Date: December 16, 2010 05:11 am Title: Chapter 1
Hi, I've been on the fence about whether or not to offer my constructive help to you, just because I don't want to make you think that I'm nitpicking or being mean. I'm enjoying the idea of these "what ifs" but there are a few things that could be tidied up with a beta. The amount of dialogue is tough to follow and would benefit some exposition mixed in with it, you want to show people facial expressions, voice inflections and things of that sort. Just a simple ..." she said, fiddling with her nail. Or something like that gives the reader something to picture in their head when they're reading. Also, there are some missing quotation marks and commas. Commas especially can make or break a sentence. I saw a funny line once somewhere on facebook - Let's eat grandma vs. Let's eat, grandma. In the first without the comma it looks like they're ready to eat grandma. I'm not an expert, don't have an English degree by any means. But I know how much effort we all put into our stories and how often we all look for reviews. I really hope you find these tips constructive and not in any way demeaning or offensive. That was not my intention. Again, the idea for these is really great and it was something I thought of doing. I have been caught up with some personal things that I could now use a huge distraction from, so please do let me know if you'd like my help with any future stories. I'd be happy to offer any assistance and opinions if you'd like them.
Author's Response: I take no offense at all. I was hoping for comments of exactly this sort. I think I mentioned in at least one of the notes that I'd never done this before. I highly doubted they were as good as they could be. As you mention grammar was never my strong suit in school. I had a bit of trouble finding the beta board, but have submitted my request there. I have very much enjoyed reading some of the stories you've already produced and look forward to seeing more of your work. Thanks again for your advice :)