He told me he was in love with me on a Thursday evening
When we were alone in the parking lot
Our gazes reflecting the moonlight

But I couldn’t do this, it wasn’t right, I can’t
I was engaged, a ring on my finger
It was final, June 10th was the date

I knew I hurt him from the tear that slid down his cheek
There was nothing more painful in the world
Than the look on his face as I said I can’t

He nodded once, apologized for misinterpreting
Misinterpreting what he thought was mutual
And it was, but how could I admit that?

I walked inside our office building
And tried to figure out just what to do
Then I saw the phone and knew immediately

I called my mother, who always knew what to do
From the tone of my voice, she knew
I loved him, too, and always had

He walked in as I admitted this to my mother
In surprise, I hung up the phone quickly
Before turning to look at him

I opened my mouth to speak
Only to have his mouth cover mine
And I said nothing, couldn’t if I tried

He tasted of spearmint Lifesavers
And smelled of something uniquely male
The most intoxicating mixture of senses

With his lips on mine, there was no I can’t
I was lying to my best friend, to him
And most of all, I was lying to myself

So I kissed him back with everything I had in me
And he deepened the kiss, his hands on my back
We fit together like the final piece of a large jigsaw puzzle

Then the guilt set in and I pushed him away gently
“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted
To do that,” he spoke lovingly, not meeting my gaze.

“Me too,” I admitted, but wanted to say so much more.
He leaned in to kiss me again, but I stopped him
Knowing this just wasn’t right, so wrong

“You’re really going to marry him.”
It wasn’t a curious inquiry.
He just knew; he was my best friend.

I nodded, said nothing, didn’t know what to say
“Okay,” he nodded once, our hands slowly
Slipping away, I watched him slip away

He quit the next day, requested a transfer
I didn’t see him the week after
He’d left without saying goodbye.

But I didn’t deserve goodbye, though my fiancé did
I ended the engagement on June 8th
And never looked back in regret

I needed time, I needed to branch out
To do things for myself for once
See what I could discover about myself

I took art classes, I found my own apartment
I became my own person, not defined
By any one solitary man as in previous years.

I prepared myself for the future
If I ever got to see him again, I’d say
“Jim, I can. I will. I love you, too.”