Pam looked down at the oversized envelope in her lap for what felt like the hundredth time this afternoon. The sight of her elaborately written script of his name on the burgundy envelope made her heart palpitate slightly faster. Would it be wrong of her to give this to Jim when she knew that he was still trying to make it work with Karen? And more importantly, did she care?

She traced the edges again and thought about the words she had written inside. What little room for misinterpretation the profession of love left was more than covered by the accompanying CD. But the truth of the matter was that she was not sure that she wanted to do this. She was almost content with what she had now. After the spectacular prank that had sent Andy over the edge, she and Jim were almost back to normal. And Karen was proving to be a great friend during office hours, a refuge from Kelly’s celebrity gossip and Michael’s general insanity.

But running underneath that sense of normalcy and friendship was a strong undercurrent of want and need, as in she wanted Jim and needed Karen to disappear. When those feelings were running particularly high, she often imagined pushing Karen into the conference room in her chair and locking the door, leaving her trapped and helpless as she kissed the living daylights out of Jim and set things straight. She knew that something had to be done. And that something was sitting in her lap.

A sudden movement towards the coat rack by a certain lanky someone caught her attention, and Pam shoved the envelope farther under her desk. She noticed that they were only two of the remaining four people in the office. Karen had apparently left a little while ago. As Jim ambled over to get his overcoat, he gave her a slow and lazy smile that warmed her all over.

“Going home anytime soon, Beesly?”

“Um, yeah. I just have to fax a few more things.”

“All right. Well, have a good night.” It was now or never.

“Wait. Jim?” Her heart leapt into her throat.

“Yeah?”

“Here,” she said, holding the envelope out to him. “Happy early Valentine’s day.”

“Beesly, you shouldn’t have…” His voice was hushed and tinged with what sounded like affection to Pam’s hopeful ears.

“No, it’s nothing. Well, not nothing. But, um-” Her nerves made her stutter and stumble a little. “It’s just a little something from me to you. I hope you like it.”

“I’m sure I will.” He stood there, running his fingers over the letters slightly. He smiled again as a little blush tinged colored his cheeks. “G’night, Pam.”

She couldn’t even manage words, just gave a smile and a small wave. A wave of freedom and fright broke over her as she realized just what she had done. All she could do is wait and see. And with that realization, she closed down her computer and prayed to the benevolent gods of mixtapes for a miracle.

Jim drove straight home, fueled by anticipation of opening the envelope. He slung his coat sloppily over the back of one of his kitchen chairs and flung his keys on the table. He knew that Mark would be out with his girlfriend until at least eleven, so he had no real reason to be in such a hurry other than the fact that he was craving to know what she had wrote.

He carefully slid his finger along the glued flap, making sure that he didn’t do any damage to the envelope. Once opened, he extracted a CD with his name written in script on it and a traditional greeting card. The card was a simple white card with a pink candy heart on it that read “Be Mine.” On the inside, he saw a short paragraph in Pam’s girlish hand.

Dear Jim,

Although we’re just getting back to the friendship we knew, I have to tell you that I love you. I guess it’s safe to say that I have always loved you. I know that you’ve probably moved on and gotten over me, but just know that you didn’t misinterpret anything. I kick myself everyday for all the pain I caused you for the past three years. I can understand if you just want to be friends; if that’s all I can get, I’ll take it. But just know that I love you, wholly and completely.

Pam

PS- I also made you a mix CD. I know that some of it isn’t your usual hipster fare, but I hope you’ll enjoy it anyway.

For a minute, Jim couldn’t move; he could scarcely breathe. His wildest dreams had just come true: Pam had confessed how she felt without leaving anything for interpretation. This wildly blooming sense of joy and elation abruptly halted when his cellphone started to ring with Karen’s chosen ringtone. He paused, agonizing over whether or not he should answer. Jim was afraid that the first words out of his mouth would be the truth for once, and he knew that he didn’t want to hurt Karen. Not yet, anyways.

He turned off the ringer and watched as a voicemail alert popped up on the screen. He looked down at the mix CD and decided to put it on in hopes of some magical answer evolving from the music.

There was no track names listed for the CD, but Jim knew the first one by heart: it was the first song he had ever played for Pam.

I was just bony hands as cold as a winter pole
You held a warm stone out new flowing blood to hold
Oh what a contrast you were
To the brutes in the halls
My timid young fingers held a decent animal.

Over the ramparts you tossed
The scent of your skin and some foreign flowers
Tied to a brick
Sweet as a song
The years have been short but the days were long.

Jim remembered the way that Pam had nodded her head to the music in the break room that day and the sweet smile that lit up her face. He smiled recalling those days that seemed so uncomplicated by the standard of the present. Before he allowed himself to get too reminiscent, the next song came on. Jim just let the music float around him, sifting through the notes and melody to get to the heart of the song.

I'm always one step ahead of you if you don't know what you're going through.
There's laughs and fun up where the conversation flows.
And I don't mind waiting if it takes a long, long time.
I don't mind braving the coldest winter of our time.
I don't mind racing through our goodbyes.

He wasn’t sure how or why Pam chose this song, but his feelings definitely echoed the lyrics. It made his heart beat faster at the thought that Pam is one step ahead of him because she understands his situation whereas he has no clue. She’s been there in a place where you have someone you love and someone you’re with. It clicked in his brain that they had essentially just switched places.

The next song came on and interrupted his train of thought but elicited an abrupt burst of laughter from him. Jim realized that he was listening to a Kelly Clarkson song, but sobered up when he listened to the lyrics

You got what you deserved.
Hope you're happy now
'Cause every time I think of her with you,
It's killing me
Inside, and
Now I dread each day
Knowing that I can't be saved
From the loneliness
Of living without you.
And, oh
I don't know what to do
Not sure that I'll pull through.
I wish you knew.

Did she really feel this way inside? That was a stupid question because she obviously did; Pam wasn’t one to be overly dramatic. Jim’s insides felt knotted with guilt and pain for causing this situation, but what was he supposed to do about it? Jim knew what she was going through. He had sat through four years of watching her plan a life with another man that wasn’t him. It was enough to make a man bitter. But then he thought of how wonderful Pam was, and his resentment dissipated. He shook his head as if to clear it and refocused on the next tune.

And now my heart is in your hand
So baby, understand

And there was a time my heart was aching
Yes there was the day I swore it was breaking
Under a lucky star our love was born brand new

So don't cry, Angel, I
Will stay the whole night through
Forevermore, I'll be loving you

He smiled at the thought of Pam arduously thinking about the song selections and striving to make it perfect. And it was all for him. It was almost enough to make him cry. The last track came on and Jim smiled a smile of contentment.

Love and some verses you hear
say what you can't say.
Love to say this in your ear,
"I'll love you that way."
From your changing contentments,
what will you choose for to share?
Some day drawing you different,
may I be weaved in your hair?

The plaintive words echoed through the room, filing up all the space in Jim’s brain. He knew what he had to do. It wouldn’t be pretty, and it wouldn’t seem nice, for now anyway. But it was for the best.

He picked up the phone and dialed Karen’s number.

Jim felt a slight tremor run through his stomach with each ring of the phone. He almost hoped that she wouldn’t pick up. But then again-

“Hello?”

“Hey, Karen. It’s, uh, Jim.”

“Oh hey! I just called you a little while ago. What’s going on? I thought we were supposed to meet at Cooper’s at 6:30.”

“Um, actually I was wondering if you wanted to come over and talk.”

“Uh, are you serious? Talk about what?”

“Well, I kind of want to wait until you get here, but it’s kind of important.”

He heard Karen pause and knew that it was an annoyed, if not angry, pause. “Jim, is this about Pam? Because if it is, I don’t want to hear about it. Not tonight. Please.”

He swallowed once and rubbed his hand against the back of his neck. “Karen, please. I really don’t want to argue with you on the phone. Just… please. Come over.”

“Dammit, Jim! No. I don’t want to come over so you can talk about Pam. I’m not a stupid person; I can see how you act when you’re around each other! I’ve had all I can take.”

“Karen, listen-”

“No, Jim. Just. Stop. I know that you’ve told me a thousand times that it was just a silly crush, but it’s obviously not. I’m just tired of you lying to me and me lying to myself. Look, I’ll even make it easy on you. I don’t want to see your face anymore. Ever.” Jim grimaced. Karen was a nice girl, the kind that any man could fall in love with. Just not him.

“Karen, I’m sorry that it had to end like this. You deserve so much better.” He heard Karen let out a small breath, and when she spoke again, her tone was softer and almost kind.

“You’re right Jim. I do. Look, you’re a nice guy, and Pam’s a nice girl. Go be whatever together.”

“Thanks, I guess. Karen. And I’m really sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it. I guess I kind of knew that something like this was going to happen soon.”

“I guess it’s going to be weird around you from now on, huh?”

“Nope. I was going to tell you at dinner, but I got a job working at Corporate in New York.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” She sounded dejected, almost as if this wasn’t her choice.

“Listen, Karen. If you don’t want to leave Scranton, you don’t have to.”

“But I do. For more reasons than just you. It’s okay, Halpert. I’m a big girl.”

“Well, when do you leave?”

“This Friday. That’s my last day of work at Dunder Mifflin Scranton anyway.”

“That’s soon.”

“Yeah, I sort of asked for an expedited transfer.”

Jim chuckled despite himself. “Yeah. I know all about those.” He cleared his throat again. “Well, I guess this is goodbye.”

“Yeah. It’s been …educational.”

“Yeah. Bye Karen.”

“Bye Jim.”

    Pam had reverted to her old habit of dealing with nerves: cleaning everything in sight.  She imagined how Jim had reacted with every surface she dusted, every cushion she straightened.  Each time she saw it differently.   One time, he was elated and called her up right away to declare his love.  The next, he was furious with her for trying to come between him and Karen.  She guessed that she would just have to wait until tomorrow to see just what he thought.  She hoped against hope for a forward step in the right direction or just something to let her know that it would all be okay.

            She was in the midst of swiffering her kitchen when she heard a knock at the door.  She nervously set down the handle against the table and walked to the door.  Jim stood there quietly as she opened the door. Before she could say anything, he walked in and took a seat on her sofa.

            “Jim?”  She followed him into the living room and just stared at him leaning against the cushions, arms crossed in an angry fashion.

            “Are you serious about what you wrote?”

            “Um.”  Pam wasn’t sure if this was a trick question or not.  For once, she couldn’t read his expression, and it sort of scared her.  “Yes.  Completely serious.”

            “So, you really love me back?”

            “Yeah.  Jim, are you okay?”

            “Pam, you don’t get to ask questions yet.  It’s my turn.”  He stared at her intently.  “So, you loved me since you met me?”

            “Uh, yeah.  I guess you could say that.”  His rapid-fire questions and steely facial expression made her think that this was a horrible mistake.  She should have never given him that card.  She hung her head, unable to look at him anymore, and she felt her eyes start to well up with tears.

            “Pam,” Jim said.  “Kelly Clarkson?  Really?”

            At this, he smiled and stood up, reaching out to pull her in for a hug.

            “Oh my- Jim!  You’re such a jerk.”  She pressed herself tightly to his lanky frame, wanting to know that this was for real.

            “But you love this jerk.  Or so you say…”

            “I do.  Really really.”

            “Good.”

            Then Jim’s eyes twinkled brightly, and he brushed a stray curl out of Pam’s face.

            “God, you’re so beautiful.”

            “Even though I’m dusty and scruffy?”

            “Especially because you’re dusty and scruffy.”  And with that, Jim cupped her face in his hands and tenderly kissed her lips.  “Happy early Valentine’s day, Beesly.”

            She just kissed him again and thought that she should have tried this whole mixtape business a long time ago.