She’d been fine all the way home.

Ok, so that wasn’t entirely true. She’d turned her music up way too loud and had concentrated on singing the words as loudly as she could so she wouldn’t hear the sound of his screaming in her head…or the shattering of glass. But that plan had failed.

So she’d thought about what she’d do when she got back to her apartment. Her apartment. She was thankful for that. Thankful she hadn’t given in to the temptation to jump right back into living with Roy. Thankful that a little voice inside her head had reminded her of what he was capable of. Thankful that the little voice had forced her to say the words ‘it’s over’ tonight instead of ‘I’ll see you later’ as she’d walked quickly out of Poor Richards.

So she’d thought about what she’d do when she got back to her apartment. She’d poor herself a glass of wine, get into a pair of her comfiest flannel pajamas and read something or paint…maybe she needed to paint. She felt free enough to have some kind of breakthrough didn’t she? Maybe? This when breakthroughs happened for people right?

Her hands shook so badly as she tried to put her key in the lock that she probably wouldn’t be able to paint anything at all. They weren’t too unsteady to uncork a bottle of wine though. She poured a glass, and left it on the kitchen counter to breathe for abit as she went off in search of those pajamas.

Everything was going according to plan before the knocking began.

Pam pursed her lips together and waited silently next to her bedroom door as Roy screamed her name. Over and Over…saying things that she prayed to God the neighbors weren’t listening to. He was going to get her kicked out of her apartment! He was going…

She sighed and curled her fingers into the door frame, wishing she’d brought her wine glass in from the kitchen. She wasn’t an idiot. She knew he was outside and that he couldn’t get in, yet she was still somewhat afraid to move those few paces into the kitchen to get that glass.

The yelling got worse then. Some name calling…horrible names. Not the kinds of names you wanted to hear a man calling you in the middle of night through the front door. She squinted in order to focus her gaze on the door just a few yards away. All the locks were locked…

Ok…ok…he’s going to leave soon. It’s going to be alright.

He swore to God and pounded some more, talking about breaking the door down…and somehow she knew that was it. The worst was over. Now was when he’d start to get pathetic. He’d start to cry and plead.

She put her head down and prayed that he would be finished soon. This particular part of the cycle had kept her with him for a long while. The sadness, the promises that this anger would never ever happen again. That he’d never embarrass her again or scare her.

Silence seemed to fall suddenly. Pam took one tentative step and then two out of her bedroom and out into the hall. Her hand wrapped shakily around the stem of her glass and just as quickly she dropped it. It seemed to shatter in slow motion on her kitchen floor. Red wine against linoleum.

The sight of it made her shiver and she moved around it. Not sure she could touch the glass just then, or the wine – her hands shook so badly.

She listened again, waiting to see if the noise had brought him back up the stairs outside, but it hadn’t. On a sigh, she moved into the living room and picked up the phone.

She dialed by memory and it seemed like an eternity before he answered.

Her voice shuddered out the words, “Hey…Jim.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jim felt his phone vibrate in his jacket pocket and thanked God above for the distraction. His mind had been off in space all night anyway, at least now he’d have a reason for not paying attention.

All the things he didn’t care about seemed to be crammed together in one room tonight.

Without even bothering to look at the display he flipped his phone open. “Mark…what’s the score?”

“Hey….Jim.”

“Hey……..” Jim said, realizing very quickly that it wasn’t Mark with basketball scores.

He tucked his bottom lip under his top and for reasons he’d never understand tried to muffle the sounds of Karen’s laughter next to him, by putting his hand over the mouthpiece.

“H- hold on one second…” Jim said talking to both Pam and Karen. He held up one finger at Karen to indicate that he needed a second. He moved out into the corridor and swept his gaze over each end, looking for a quiet spot.

Nothing quite fit the bill.

“I can’t really hear…you have to speak up. It’s a little noisy here,”

Jim tugged on his tie and told himself his sudden hot flash was due to the hoops he’d just been playing. Not because he was hearing Pam’s voice. Or the fact that loving the sound of her voice while he was on a ‘date’ with Karen made him an ass.

“Pam?” He finally said her name once out of earshot of Karen.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

Jim scratched the top of his head. She had to know where he was. Karen hadn’t made any secret of it at the office today. She’d told everybody who’d listen where they were going.

“Pam I’m at the CFO’s house…the cocktail party –

“Oh no…right, right. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to bother you.”

“No…it’s fine,” Jim said, realizing for the first time that her voice sounded a little funny. He kept looking for a completely secluded spot, smiling sheepishly at a woman he almost knocked over in his haste to get outside. “What’s up?”

“Oh nothing…I just…listen, I think I did – I think I did the wrong thing or…No, it was the right thing, but I’m not sure what he’s going to do. He’s so angry. When Roy gets this way I don’t…”

Her voice trailed off and a slight sense of déjà vu enveloped Jim. He remembered having gotten the same prickly feeling in the past, but it always left as quickly as it had come.  Moments here and there over the years when Pam’s voice had been extremely small after an argument with Roy or she’d return to the office with her arms folded across her chest and her head bowed. Like something really bad had just gone down.

Jim had never seen any bruises, so he’d never intervened. He’d always told himself that if it ever went beyond the yelling she’d leave. He prayed in these few seconds that he hadn’t been wrong about that.

“Pam what’s going on?” Jim asked soberly.

“I’m not…Maybe nothing. I just needed you to know that I broke up with him. I didn’t…I didn’t think he was going to react the way that he did. I don’t know what I thought really…but not this...”

Jim sat down on the planter that flanked the porch. He rubbed his forehead. “Pam…just – just tell me what happened.”

“I told Roy about us…about last May…you and me.”

It was a good thing he was sitting. The silence stretched on until she said, “Jim?”

“No, I…I heard you……….What exactly did you say to him?”

“I just…I told him I kissed you. I told him that…you know…I don’t know. I just felt like I needed to tell him the truth if we were going to move on…but he didn’t take it…well. At all –

Her voice cracked and Jim sighed. He leaned over the phone and lowered his voice even though no one else was outside. “Pam, are you ok?”

“No, yeah I’m fine…I just…he started throwing things…we were at Poor Richards and he just…. I’ll like never step foot in that place again,” she said with a touch of hysteria in her laugh. But she quickly put a stopper on that. “He just…lost it. And then…he was here. I don’t know if he followed me or…I just…”

“Is he still there? Pam - ”

“No, no,” Pam said quickly, trying to reassure him or herself, Jim wondered. “I’m…No, he left. I wouldn’t let him in. I won’t…ever.”

These days the only time his instincts worked was when he was making a sale. With clients he could move completely on instinct and it worked every time. With Pam…

He didn’t trust a single thought in his head.

There was a girl inside waiting for him. A girl who was not the least bit confusing – unless she was trying to tell a joke. He knew exactly how Karen felt about him. For that reason, he needed to end this phone call.

Broken up with Roy or not broken up…it didn’t matter. On top of all that, Pam had been handling Roy for years. Why should tonight be any different? She’d chosen. She’d chosen damn it.

“Ok, well thanks for telling me that he knows,” Jim said infusing his voice with a casual calm that he didn’t feel. “But I’m miles away right now so I don’t think I have to worry about him tracking me down. And I’m at a party with Karen, so….”

“Oh no, right…of course,” Pam said. “I just…I just thought…...I don’t know what I thought really. I’ll…talk to you soon.”

The click of the phone made him shut his eyes and sigh. He knew he’d hurt her feelings by being so blasé. He also knew that he felt anything but blasé. He slipped his phone into his jacket pocket and looked at his hands. White knuckled and shaking.

Truth be told he was far more fearful of Pam than he would ever be of Roy.

~~~~~~~~

He’d sat outside for a good ten minutes, willing himself to walk back inside. Willing himself not to call Pam back.

“More b-ball with the CFO?” Karen said beaming up at Jim as he made his way back inside the party. Her eyes were only a tad bit loopy from all the champagne.

Karen wrapped her arms around one of his and leaned in. It struck him as odd that he was suddenly thinking about how many glasses of champagne she’d had and managed to still be relatively sober. How many had she had at Phyllis’ wedding? It didn’t matter, it wasn’t like she had a problem. It just stuck him as odd that was all…Pam could only have like two or three drinks before laughter was bubbling out of her like a fountain and she was halfway to the floor.

He was officially ridiculous. He officially had a problem that he needed to seek psychiatric help for.

“Earth to Jim,” Karen said tugging on his arm.

“Oh sorry…yeah,” he said forcing a smile.

“Outside with the CFO again?” She asked and he understood that she must’ve asked him already. “Does he want to loan you the corporate jet yet?”

See look! She’s good for you! She wants to see you make connections…So what? So does Pam! The war in his brain waged on. Remember that time she wanted you to take the job that you were goofing on Dwight about? Remember that? Yeah I remember she wanted me to leave the state…That wasn’t what she meant and you know it, Halpert.

“Oh…um, no…” he heard himself say. Damn it. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t stand here and make idle chit-chat with Karen or anybody else when Pam was going through God only knew what kind of pain.

He didn’t care who was here. He didn’t care who he needed to get in good with. He never had.

Jim  cleared his throat. “Oh um…actually that was Pam…on the phone I mean. She’s having a bad night…I think maybe I should go hang out with her.”

Karen made a face and then smiled. He realized before she said anything that she thought he was kidding.

“Nice one Halpert…getting back at me for telling you I dated every guy here? Very good. You almost got me…but not. Even you are not that good.”

Jim smiled awkwardly. “No, I…I’m actually serious,” he added apologetically, earnestly…“I just…she didn’t sound good. Sounds like she got in some big fight with Roy and…it was pretty ugly I guess.”

Karen made a face and it held this time. She knew he was serious now, but said the words anyway, “You’re kidding. Jim…I’m not leaving this party so you can go hold Pam’s hand.” She forced a smile at the end, as if smiling at him might persuade him to see how crazy he was being.

Jim licked his lips, glanced to the side for a moment and then looked back at her. “I’m not asking you to.”

Her eyebrows lifted, all traces of a smile gone. “Are you suggesting leaving me here?”

He frowned. “Of course not. I’m just saying that a good friend of mine is having a rough time and I’d like to be there…that’s all. Karen we’ve been at this party for hours already. It’s not like we’re going to miss anything.”

“Ok, so let me get this straight….this good friend of yours that’s having a rough time – is Pam. The girl you used to have feelings for and now I’m supposed to let you just run after her and what? Kiss it and make it better?”

Jim lowered his voice but it still came out as a hiss. “Well I wasn’t really asking your permission, so…you don’t have to let me, no.”

Karen literally took a step back.

He took a deep breath, realizing he’d gone too far. He was asking a lot. He was. “Karen, just…can you just be ok with this? I just need to see that she’s alright.”

“Then what?” Karen spat.

“Then…nothing. I just wanna go by and see her. That’s all.”

“I’m supposed to be ok with leaving a party that I want to be at. A party with more connections than I’ve ever had in my life…a party where you were just playing basketball with the CFO…and I’m supposed to go with you to play nursemaid to your ex-crush.”

He was wise enough not to say ‘I wasn’t asking you to go with me and do anything.’

“I understand if it’s asking too much,” he said instead.

Karen sighed in relief. “Thank you. Thank you for seeing reason.”

“Oh no…I – I’m still going.”

The world halted again and Karen looked to her side, glanced up at Jim. “This is unbelievable…….Jim, If you leave me at this party…we’re over.”

“Karen –

“Jim, I am not going to Pam’s house. So we either stay here, or you leave…and that’s the end of us.”

Jim shoved his hands in his pockets, nodded slowly, and said “Ok,” before turning and walking out of the house.

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What did it say about her that she cried more over a man who she’d never ever had a romantic relationship with only an hour after ending a relationship with a man she’d been with for over 10 years?

Pam leaned over, laying her head against her knees. What it said was that there was more romance in four years of office flirting than there had been in 10 whole years of being her high school sweetheart’s girlfriend.

It was a great realization to have, now that Jim care about her anymore.  She’d always had less than stellar timing.

Jim had moved on. Really – moved on. Not just towards Karen, but away from her. He was happy with Karen. He was happy with the way things stood between he and Pam and the head’s up about Roy had been just that – a head’s up. Nothing more, nothing less.

It made her ache beyond measure. The phone made her jump.

Startled, Pam stared at the phone on the end table until the third ring. She stood up then and stared at it some more until the answering machine made the choice for her. If it was Roy she didn’t want to talk to him. She couldn’t hear anymore of the screaming tonight…or the crying.

After the sound of the beep, however it wasn’t Roy’s voice that she heard.

“Hey…Pam?…I’m in your parking lot and I see your car out here so I’m hoping your home. If you’re not home then that’s…well that stresses me out a little after your message…So if you’re home pick -”

Pam yanked the phone off of its cradle, so fast she nearly dropped it. “Hey!...Jim…hey, it’s me. I’m here!”

“Oh…hey, you ok? I thought maybe you weren’t home or  -

“Yeah, no I’m good! I’m good….I just wasn’t expecting you – that’s all.”

“Right…Well obviously. It’s not like I called to say I was coming or anything…”

Pam held her breath during his pause.

“Do you mind if I come up?”

Her mouth hung open wide as she shook her head. She realized after two seconds that he couldn’t see her. “Oh…no, yeah of course…come on up.”

“Ok, see you in a sec.”

Pam dropped the phone on the couch and looked around the living room. She knew that wine was still splattered on the floor. The glass still broken…

A knock on the door told her there was no time to clean it up. She’d just have to keep him out of the kitchen. Damn, he was fast! She ran to the door, flinging it open.

It wasn’t Jim.

“Pam…I need you. Can’t you see that I’m…we need each other,” Roy said, stumbling into her, past her.  

“Roy you have to leave.” Her voice came out weak even to her own ears. “How did you…you left. You were gone…” 

“Pam, don’t tell me to leave…I can’t leave,” he said barreling towards her  loveseat. He sat down, and tried toeing his shoes off, but in his past drunken state he couldn’t quite manage it. “Babe…can you help me with my shoes?” 

“No! No I can’t help you with your shoes!” She shouted the words and instantly felt better. It felt better just to raise her voice. She was so, so sick of being polite. So sick of doing the best thing for everyone! “Roy get out of my apartment or I’ll call the police…I swear I will.” 

Roy let his head drop against the back of the loveseat. “I’m just gonna take a nap Pam, and then when I wake up…you and me…we’re gonna have this thing out just like we have every other time. I was wrong to tell you it was over…I was wrong to yell at you…ok? Can we just be ok now?...Kenny paid Poor Richard…” Roy said with his eyes closing. He was going to pass out on her loveseat. “I already forgive you for fucking around with Halpert.”  

Pam plunged her fingers into her hair and ran back towards the front door at the sound of Jim coming up the stairs.  He saw the panic on her face, a newly formed sheen of tears in already puffy eyes. 

“Hey, what’s the mat - 

She put her hands on his chest and kept him at bay, not letting him cross the threshold into the apartment. “Roy’s inside. You can’t come in.” 

“What? I thought you said he was gone. Pam what’s - ”

“He was just…waiting on my porch,” Pam said at a loss then. “I – I opened the door thinking it was you and…Jim, you have to go. He’s not thinking clearly…” 

Jim continued up the stairs towards the apartment. “Well that’s good…I’m not either, so…”  

Pam once again put her hands on his chest. “Jim. You can’t be here right now. Maybe we could just…go somewhere or –  

“Is that little Jimmy Halpert I hear out there?”  

“Oh God…see, just go…Jim…he’s pretty drunk, and just…” 

Jim stopped on the landing, and his fingers found hers on his chest. He looked down at her, actually smiled a little. “Hey…calm down ok? I’m not leaving.”  

Roy came stumbling towards the front door and Pam turned instantly, pushing him back towards the apartment. If Jim wasn’t going to listen maybe she could just get Roy back into the seat. She’d rather have him pass out in her apartment than whatever was about to happen. But he was like an elephant that hadn’t quite had enough tranquilizers to knock him out fully. 

“Pam, it’s ok,” Jim was saying as he stepped dangerously close to Roy. “If Roy wants to talk about this…we can talk. I don’t – 

Pam turned to glare at Jim. A glare that read ‘you clearly don’t understand’.  “Jim. Don’t.” she demanded.  

Roy grinned and slurred. “Yeah…Jim ‘don’t’…Man, this is hilarious. I wish Daryl were here…Halpert thinks he’s the shit now,” He laughed so hard he doubled over. “Halpert…listen, I am seriously going to kill you as soon as I can…feel my fist,” he said and laughed again at his own joke. “And I’ve thought about it…I have,” Roy said. 

In the midst of the hilarity, Jim gently nudged Pam towards the apartment. She reluctantly moved to stand in the doorway. Still pleading with those eyes, that he just turn around and go back down the stairs.

Not a chance. How long had he wanted to do this? Win or lose he’d still get a couple of good hits in and that was all he wanted. Besides the guy was drunk off his ass, how good could his aim be? 

“Yeah Roy?” Jim said moving down a step. If he kept moving down maybe he could get Roy down the steps and back into the parking lot. Fighting atop a flight of cement steps wasn’t ideal. “What was that?…You had a thought of some kind?” 

“Yeah – yeah…I had a thought that maybe it’s not all your fault. It is definitely partly Pam’s.” 

“Roy, leave him alone,” Pam said from behind. 

“For the love of God, Pam…” Jim sighed. He’d almost had him coming down the stairs. 

Roy turned on her. “Shut the hell up Pam! I’m talking to Halpert! Ok…that alright with you, Beeswax?” 

Jim pursed his lips and nodded. “Roy come on…turn around and talk to me.” 

“God…I’m so gonna kick your ass,” Roy said, following Jim down the stairs again.  

Jim nodded. “Great…let’s just get down to the parking lot and you can kick it there. We wouldn’t want this to be any less cliché than absolutely necessary.”  

“God you can’t even trash talk the right way,” Roy said laughing again. “Are you sure you made it with this guy Pam? He’s so gay.” 

Pam wrung her hands together as she watched Jim continuously move down the steps. Once they got down to the parking lot, he was toast. She spun around and grabbed the phone just inside the living room and dialed 911. It was busy.    

Groaning, she ran back outside, they were more than halfway down the stairs now, Roy getting closer and closer to Jim. Just then Roy must’ve been tired of moving because he took a swing at Jim. Jim ducked and the momentum of Roy’s fist cut through the air so quickly that it took the rest of his body along for the ride. He landed in a heap at the bottom of the stairs.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 “Thanks…thank you,” Pam said taking the steaming cup of hot chocolate out of Jim’s hand.

He sat down next to her and trained his eyes on the small television in the far corner of the emergency room waiting room. Jerry Springer. Wow. Somehow that seemed a fitting program for tonight. Loud public arguments, falling down a flight of stairs…Jerry would have eaten up.

Jim brought his own cup to his lips and sipped in spite of the heat. A little scalding of the tongue would at least make him feel something besides anxious.  

He glanced at Pam, who was much more cautious than he. She just stared at her hot chocolate.  

“He’s ok then?” 

“Yeah…fine,” she said and trained her eyes on Jerry.  

Jim tried to do the same.  

He failed. “So…did you call his mom, or – 

“No,” Pam said looking down at her cup. He watched as she fiddled with the recycled brown sleeve that enveloped it. “He made me promise that I’d only call his mother if he was dying.” 

Jim nodded. “Fair enough…Good thing he’s not…dying I mean.” He realized as soon as the words left his mouth that it sounded like he was being a jerk. Like he was joking about her boyfriend’s – exboyfriend’s? – possible death.  

At least his words had finally got her to look at him for God’s sake. What did she think? That he’d intentionally caused Roy to fall down the steps. It wasn’t his fault that his natural instinct was to duck when he saw a fist the size of a small dog coming towards his face.

 “I’m kidding,” Jim said quickly. “You know that…I don’t wish he were dead or anything. That’s…” 

“No…yeah. Of course. I wasn’t thinking that you did,” she said and he watched her smile awkwardly. Her hands still moving against that recycled sleeve. Moving up and down the cup. “I was just…I’m still his emergency contact, did you know that?” She said, finishing with yet another smile that Jim didn’t quite know how to read. 

How could he possibly know that? Why would he even want to know that? 

“He told me last week,” Pam went on. “Like it was some big romantic gesture…‘Hey babe, you know you’re still the one I want around if I break my head open, right? Just don’t let them pull the plug ok? Don’t ever let them pull the plug’.” 

Jim stayed silent. She didn’t seem finished yet. And it didn’t seem right to laugh at what an idiot he’d been.  

“He’s fine. He’s got a broken ankle, a sprained wrist, and a lot of bruises. He’ll be up and around in no time flat.” 

Jim nodded silently at the finality in her voice. What did that tone mean? What was going on in her head?  She had broken up with Roy tonight right? Hours ago now when Jim had still been at cocktail party, he thought he remembered her saying those words over the phone. That was what had caused all the drama between she and Roy in the first place. That and the fact that they had kissed each other last May. Let’s not forget that.  

Kissed each other, she had said. That’s how she’d put it to Roy. Did that mean anything?   

Jeez, he couldn’t think anymore. It was nearing 3 a.m. and his brain was absolutely fried. 

Pam took the first sip of her hot chocolate. Did it make her a horrible person that she was disappointed that Roy’s injuries hadn’t been more substantial? She didn’t want him to die anymore than Jim did, but what about a…a broken arm?…collar bone maybe?…Something that would have at least put him out of commission for awhile. Keep him away…give her time to think.  

She took another sip and then looked down at the cup. “Where did you get this?” Jim lifted his eyebrows.

“The cafeteria…well, I mean I put some milk in it. I bought some to put in mine so…Hot chocolate’s not really hot chocolate unless you use milk,” he said finishing with a slight smile. “Water does not cut it.” 

Pam felt her throat close up and turned immediately back to Jerry Springer. “It’s really good…thank you.” 

“You’re welcome.” 

They were silent for a long moment before Pam’s voice broke the tension, only to cause more.  

“I’m like them you know.” 

Jim frowned, then smiled at her.  “Like…who?” 

She gestured with her shoulder towards the television. Towards the Springer show. Back when she was in high school the kids had watched it for entertainment value. She’d never found it funny. Now she realized exactly why she hadn’t. She knew…even then she must’ve known on some level. 

“Those women…I’m like all those women on talk shows that just come off as idiots because they stay with a guy who has fights on their porch.” 

Jim made a face at the TV. “Actually those are women who are standing by their men throughout their sex change operations…so not entirely the same. Unless there’s something I don’t know about Roy…” 

Pam turned towards him. “I know it’s what you think. It’s what everybody at Poor Richard’s must’ve thought…you don’t have to let me off the hook. I get it now.” 

“Pam…I…It’s not my place to judge your decisions…neither is it anyone else’s.” 

She nodded slowly. Chuckled a bit bitterly. “Thank you so much…Jim Halpert…always so wise. It’s nice to know I’m not being judged.”

Anger burned in the pit of her stomach. How dare he choose now to let up. To live and let live. To give each their own. Did he know how infuriating it was to finally be freed of shackles but have absolutely no one to share that with? 

Couldn’t he tell how angry she was? With herself?   Because God help her…It wasn’t his fault. She knew he was over all the drama. And quite honestly it wasn’t Roy’s fault either. He was just a guy who had found the perfect girl to make him feel good about himself.   

Jim looked down at his hands. “Pam…whatever you want to do with Roy is completely up to you.” 

“Right…th-thank you,” she said right before her face crumpled She couldn’t help it. She tried. She’d been trying her damndest not to cry in front of Jim for so long. For more than just tonight. It had been building for so long that she couldn’t hold it in a minute longer.  

He didn’t care anymore. She could do ‘whatever she wanted’ with Roy. It was the most hurtful thing he’d ever said to her, and he didn’t even know it. He thought he was doing what was best for the both of them.  

Afterall she didn’t love him. Afterall he loved Karen. 

She felt Jim pull the hot chocolate out of her trembling hands and lay it on the floor next to his feet, she felt him pull her towards his chest. She felt him put his chin atop of her head. She lay there for a moment, just feeling the warmth of his chest. The heat radiated through the delicate fabric of a shirt that had been laundered with softener, from a man who put milk in his hot chocolate.  

How had she let it all slip right through her fingertips? 

She thought back to those brief few seconds when she’d been happy tonight. When he’d called to say he was in her parking lot. Before all hell had broken loose. For those few brief seconds she’d thought to herself – well maybe…Maybe he still loves me. Maybe he couldn’t bear the thought of me alone tonight thinking of all that’s gone wrong.  

What he hadn’t been able to bear was the thought of her being terrorized by Roy. Nothing more.  

“Hey…hey…I’m sorry,” Jim said, whispering. He combed his fingers through her hair. “I know tonight’s been…crazy. The longest night in the history of all nights, and I probably didn’t help matters any…I know it, but I couldn’t help myself……Which has always been my problem, huh?” 

Always, and even now. God even now when she was clearly distraught and had been through hell all he could really think about was how good it felt to get to hold her like this. How much better it would feel to kiss her. Taste the salt of those tears…Kiss them away. 

Because for all intents and purposes Karen had been right. He did indeed want to kiss it and make it better. 

Pam pulled slightly away from him. “You think this is about a night?” He stared blankly at her. What? What were they talking about now? “God this…I can take this,” she said then, pulling completely out of his arms. “This is not about…”she cut herself off. “This isn’t the first time Roy’s gone ballistic, Jim. It’s not the first time he’s flipped out on my porch. The first time it happened, it was my 21st birthday – 

He didn’t want to hear this. “Pam – 

“No, let me finish….It was my 21st birthday and I had this friend…Lisa. Lisa’s birthday was two days before mine so we would always have our party together, you know – 

Jim nodded, feeling a bit like a spectator looking on before the accident actually occurred, but knowing – knowing that it would. Somebody needed to intervene and intervene quickly. Only he couldn’t because he was frozen still. He was about become a victim of the same crash.  

“Anyway…Lisa had this cousin…Dave. Dave had this crush on me…and Roy thought that maybe something was going on…I was so angry at him. He was completely out of line…he wound up having to be escorted out of the party…He showed up at my apartment that night…screaming…wanting to know what kind of whore I was…he actually carved a few of his ideas on that topic into my door with his key……some things never change. Sometimes people don’t change…sometimes they do.” 

Jim didn’t ask why she’d stayed. Why even then at 21, with the world at her feet, why she’d stayed with him. He knew the answer wouldn’t satisfy him. Would in fact probably piss him off.  

“Pam I…I’m sorry that this happened, Hell I’m even sorry that that happened and I didn’t even know you then…but I don’t know what you want me to say…You know what I think. You know I think you deserve so much more than anything he’s ever given you. You know I - 

“Then why did you leave!” 

Her voice shattered him. His mouth fell open and he sat back. And then leaned forward, shaking his head… 

She ran him over again before he could even grasp a thought and hold on. “For the last 8 months I have waited for the perfect opening or moment……Roy is nothing compared to that…tonight doesn’t even matter…” Pam covered her face again.  

“Pam what are you saying?…I had to leave. How can you ask me why? Do you even understand how into you I was? I was wrecked.” 

“Was…” Pam nodded. “Yeah.” 

Jim tilted his head towards her, biting back an expletive, he said, “Seriously, Pam?…Come on. Neither one of us is dumb enough to believe that I showed up on your doorstep tonight because I ‘used’ to have a thing for you. You know that I…” he shook his head. “Damn it! The problem is, it doesn’t matter. The problem is…all of this,” he said gesturing between them. “Doesn’t seem to be enough!” 

Pam blinked back tears, finding his eyes. “You’re with Karen.” She’d the name like it’d made her throat burn to say it. 

He shook his head. “No…I’m not.” 

At her look of confusion, he explained. “I’m not with Karen, Pam…Not after tonight. I couldn’t just not know what was going on. After your phone call…I…” he shrugged. “I needed to know you were ok….” 

“And she – 

“Well let’s just say she wasn’t ok with that….she’s never really been ok with you.” 

“I – I’m sorry.”

Jim sighed and came dangerously close to getting up and throwing his chair through the glass window across from them. Then what were all the tears for? Why was she so angry with him for leaving! “You are?” 

She looked down at where her hands rested on her knees. “No.” 

Jim shut his eyes. Please God… 

When he opened them, she was staring back at him. “I’m not sorry that she’s out of your life…I’m not.” 

Jim pursed his lips. “I’m not sorry Roy’s here in the hospital......actually I’m pretty pissed he fell down because I really wanted to hit him…and it just seemed wrong to do it once he was already lying there…” 

In spite of everything, she smiled. She actually managed to smile. Pam reached up and dashed quickly at the tears under her eyes. “I kind of wanted you to…hit him I mean.” 

Jim let a long breath out of his mouth on a whoosh. “Where the hell does that leave us, Pam? I mean I’m afraid to really guess what this conversation even means…does it mean I get select membership in the same club with Dave? ” 

Pam sniffled. “No you can’t be in the same club because…Because I didn’t have a crush back…on Dave.” 

Jim swallowed. “You have a crush on me…back?” 

She shook her head and he nearly choked her, before she said. “I love you. I am in love with you.” 

Just then that all familiar chanting began on the television. “Jerry – Jerry – Jerry…”

Jim smiled and Pam smiled back.  “Well,” Jim began, inching towards her. His fingers trailing along her jawline. “With that said…they are chanting so…” 

“They’re chanting, ‘Jerry,’” Pam said through a giggle. “Not exactly the epitome of romance, Jim.” 

It was the first of her giggles in what seemed like forever. It was music to his ears. All the music he needed to drown out the television and any thoughts of what they still faced in terms of Roy. Music enough to drown out everything but her eyes…her mouth… 

“Mmm…true Pam…I prefer to think the crowd is chanting…Kiss – kiss – kiss…”  

“Better…”