"Are you still going to marry him?"

 Pam nodded and slowly their hands drifted apart.

  _________________________________________________________ 


Hey Office viewers. It’s God. Since I've gotten a lot of requests to intervene in this situation, I thought I'd post a little open letter here in "TV Guide" to answer you all at once, rather than individually. As THE Supreme Being in the universe, I do have things to work on besides two young kids' relationship. Not that this isn't important, but well, this is just television to all of you. It's only real and important to the two of them (and to me). 

Now I know what all of you "Jammers" (that is what you call yourselves, isn't it?) who have watched this dance between Jim and Pam unfold on a television documentary are praying about.  Of course I know...I am God. You want me to step in. You want me to shake Pam up a little ....have her reconsider her "I can't". You want me to send her back, careening into Jim's arms where you all know she belongs (and I know at least half of you would prefer that Jim is shirtless when this happens); or at the very least, you want me to convince Jim not to transfer to Stamford so that their playful flirtations can continue as before. I know that it is important to you that these two end up together (though, I might want to point out that there are probably a few more important things you could concern yourselves with) but you all have to just trust that I know what I'm doing here. I've been there since almost the beginning and I'll continue to be there as long as I'm needed. Pam knows that I've been there. I'm sure you've TiVo'd the exact moment when she acknowledged this:

 “Um, so, finally, I want to thank God. Because God gave me this Dundie. And, I feel God in this Chili's tonight. “

 Pam was half right. You all know that it was Jim that engineered that particular Dundie instead of the humiliating one Pam was expecting. She was right, though, about me being there.  I was in the Chili's that Dundie Award night and not because I love Awesome Blossoms and Chicken Crispers (though I do...I just try not to mention it or Chili's will use it in their advertising). I try to make it my habit to make my presence known at times when people can use some encouragement or inspiration or redirection. Pam's inebriated state just made her more aware of the fact that I was in the booth under the framed, yellow t-shirt. Pam and Jim both needed a little something from me that night and I was happy to help them out. Interestingly enough, they both needed the same thing...a little something to hang onto.

 Pam's relationship dynamic with Roy has been played out for you on the screen time and time again. You all know how he treated her...how he made her feel. That night, after he abandoned Pam at the Chili's, she needed to know what it was like to be free….to have a sense of giddy, unbridled liberty…to make herself happy…to let go… to just grab her best friend and plant one on him. She needed to fill up on giggly, joyous, unfettered exuberance and to tuck it away for the future. 

Jim needed something a little less abstract...just a little something to hang his hope on. A quick, happy kiss and an unasked question...to let him know that what he felt and what he hoped for wasn't all in his head and that there was a whisper of more to come.

 I was in that Chili's that night, not to bring them together or to tear Pam apart from Roy (despite what you all may have wanted). Jim and Pam both needed to make decisions for themselves. They needed to do what was right and real for them. Not what would make for good television or good, ahem, fan-fiction. They chose the path that took them to the episode you have all been praying so fervently about…to this Casino Night. 

I was there in that parking lot (the one of doom as you like to call it) on the night of the casino benefit too, though you probably thought I had abandoned the young not-quite lovers. Again, I wasn't there to intervene. Just to bestow a few more tiny morsels of insight and memory. Despite the fact that the ending was a sad one for all involved (and for you at home…I saw you with the big box of tissue), Jim and Pam didn't walk away empty handed (or empty hearted). 

Jim left with a "...I think I am" and a "...me too" and the taste of her on his lips and the feeling of her hands in his hair. He'll need those things...those memories. Trust me, they'll be important later on. 

Pam came back to work the next week with memories of an "I'm in love with you",   an "I want to be more than that" and a single tear. She had also remembered for the second time what it was like to let go...even for a second before letting reality and practicality snap her back into control and into a belief in misinterpretations. 

These memories and experiences will need to help them to hang on even longer, because trust me faithful Jammers...I know where this heads next and they'll need something to hang onto on the long, dark road that lies ahead of them.  

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a standing appointment with Angela and she needs a lot of guidance this week. 

“Question:  Am I a wicked person? I wonder that so much about myself lately because of the dirty and despicable things I’ve been doing. I can barely stand to look at myself in the mirror some days.”

“Lord, I know that we’ve talked about the, um, acts that Dwight and I engage in and I’ve learned to be  okay with my choices there. Your guidance has really helped me put that issue behind me. It’s just that now, I can’t handle how much lying I’ve had to do lately. As you know, Lord, I value honesty a great deal. It’s one of the qualities that attracted me to Dwight in the first place. It just seems that lately, all I’ve been doing is lying. I lie to protect our secret and I, um, I lie to Dwight to protect his feelings.

“Last week, Dwight gave me a green sweater for my birthday.  And Lord, as I’m sure you know, only whores wear green. I am not…a whore.”

[Angela…the green thing…that is just you, you know. I don’t have a problem with it. I kind of created green.]

“I told Dwight that I loved the sweater. I lied to him. He just looked so eager and pleased with himself. I couldn’t bear to be harsh with him.  Can’t you see how I’m agonizing about lying to him?”

I did think it was exceptionally soft, though. It felt like a newborn kitten.

[There you go….that’s better…are you sure you were lying when you told him you loved it?]“

And then there was the….Phyllis…incident. “

“She’s turned out to be a good friend. She values honesty and she is capable of keeping secrets. Maybe you could see if you could do something, um, nice for her if you know what I mean”

“Anyway back to Phyllis and the beets. I told her that I didn’t like beets”

“I know that I detest the taste of beets, but that just reminded me of how I’ve lied to Dwight. Does he really believe that I have an allergy to red foods? What will I do when he presents me with a plate of golden beets? Do you see the very tangled web I’ve woven?”

“I just don’t know what to do.”

“I feel you, Lord. Maybe this doesn’t have to be so hard. Maybe I can start being more honest with the people around me.  Dwight is an amazing man, isn’t he?

“Thanks for the talk, God."

[Always a pleasure, my child]

"And....Fact: I'm going to wear the green sweater tomorrow."

I’d like to begin this letter by sharing a question I received from a viewer of the documentary that’s currently airing on television. I get a lot like this delivered to my in-box.  

“Dear God—Why did you let Jim move to Stamford?!?!?!”—Abby in St. Paul, Minnesota.

[Dear Abby (hee)—Because I felt like it. – God, in ah…heaven]

Actually, that’s not correct.  In a way I wish I could take credit for Jim’s relocation and promotion because then there would be a discernable reason behind his drastic actions…something I could explain to all of you…something that would make you all feel better.

But the way I set things up back when I started all of this..um..people stuff…the way things have always been is that everyone (including Jim, Pam and scarily enough, Michael) has free will.  I can set something up, bring someone into your life or whisper in your ear to give you some direction, but ultimately, I leave the actual decision up to you…as I left it up to Jim…and to Pam.  

To be honest, things would have been easier for me had Jim never made the choice to leave Scranton. Ever since he packed his things and left, I’ve gotten a lot of messages from northeastern Pennsylvania (…and to answer the plot-points that the show never aired, Jim never came back to work after the kiss with Pam. He came by on Sunday, packed up the few things he wanted to keep as well as a few client files and just left. He thought about writing an email or leaving a post-it note on the reception desk, but couldn’t bring himself to do so…even though I was strongly suggesting that he should.  He took 3 weeks off…had a miserable time in Australia…and started in Stamford the 2nd week in June…I am omniscient, you know).

As I said, my job would have been much easier if Jim had stayed.  Here’s just a sampling of what I’ve been hearing the last couple of months. Put yourself in my shoes…would you have wished this on yourself?

 “Ohmygod!!!!!!! Jim left?!?!?!? God, don’t let Ryan leave!!! Ever!!!!”

“Lord, I want to thank you for removing Jim Halpert from our office environment. Now that he is gone he and his flirtatious hussy, Pam, won’t be causing distractions that keep us from our work.”

“Dear Angela’s Lord and Master, Sir. I would like to formally thank you for whatever you did for Angela. She told me that her prayers had been answered and she’s smiling a lot more lately, so thank you, Sir. Thank you for that. Sincerely, Dwight K. Shrute, Assistant Regional Manager, Dunder-Mifflin Scranton Branch”.

“Goddammit, Pam! What the hell is wrong with you? Do you know what you are doing? What you are throwing away here?”

“Hey, God! GodGodGod! The Big Guy!  My Main Man in the Sky! I know I haven’t talked to you a lot since um….the Jeff thing went down….but my best friend, Jim Halpert, confided in me that he’s been unlucky in love. I don’t think you know about this (because as far as I know, Jim has ONLY confided in me) but maybe you could help him out.

“God, I hope I made the right choice.”
“God, I hope I made the right choice.”

 “God, the new guy is cute. Do you think he’s into me?”

“Jumping Jehovah!  When I go, I want to go like Ed Truck…decapitated….whohee!!!”

[Creed, I get the feeling that you are never going to die]

“Lastly, Lord, we can’t help but notice that he was by himself when he died. But of course, we all know that doesn’t mean he was alone. Because I’m sure that there were lots of other birds out there who cared for him very much. He will not be forgotten.”

“God, wouldn’t it be, like, awwwwe--some, if Pam started dressing a little more sexy now that she’s single?”

“Oh. My. God. Dwight is even crazier than I thought he was. What in the hell is wrong with that dude? Beet seeds?  Coffins?  Eff!  Mose seems nice, though.”

“Uh, hey!”
“Oh, my God!
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
“How far away did you think we were?”
“I don’t know….it felt far.”
“Yeah.”

[It isn’t that far and both of you know it. You’ve just chosen the long way…and who knows (well,  I guess I do…) you both might be better off for it.]

“God, that was awkward…but good….very good.”
“God, that was awkward…but good….very good.”

[It will get easier…I promise]

Then came a day in November when these people WOULD NOT leave me alone.

“God damn! Why do I have to be the one to tell Michael that he’s fired?  It will crush him. It will absolutely destroy him. And then he won’t want to, um, you know?”

“Thank you, Lord! This news is better than Pretzel Day!”

“Alright! Somebody up there likes us! STAM-FORD. STAM-FORD. STAM-FORD”

“Who, in heaven’s name, did I make that sex deal with?”

“I’d like to thank whoever is responsible for this amazing turn of events. I am out of here! You don’t think they’d transfer a new junior sales associate to Stamford, do you? What? Stamford is the one closing? Oh, crap!”

“God, if you can do something about the new personnel arrangements, could you maybe return Jim Halpert to Scranton? Pam’s been so miserable since he’s been gone. You were so good to bring me Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration …she deserves a little happiness.”

“Dwight! God was with us today in our vigil in front of the CEO’s house. Right here! We did it my friend!”

“God, please let him come back to Scranton.”
“God, please don’t let me go back to Scranton.”

And so there you have it. That’s what I’ve been up to the last couple of months. I know you still have questions and after you see what unfolds after the merger, you will definitely have more. I’ll be here, though. I’m always here.

“Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygooooooooood!”

“Did you hear what he said? Did you? Ohmygod!”

“He said that he loved me! And he didn’t qualify it or anything. He didn’t say he loved my laugh or that he loved the way I did that one thing that I sometimes do when I’ve had a little to drink. He just said, ‘I love you, Kelly.’ Do you think he meant it? He can’t take it back, can he?”

“Oh, Lord….what did I just do?

“I’ve never done that before.  Not even to get, um, something that I wanted, if you know what I mean?”

“So…..what now?”

“Okay, now I, like, have a huge problem.”

“It’s just that, well, I know that I throw that L-word around a lot. I like, say it all the time to people. I think I’ve told both Dwight and Creed that I love them. And I say it all the time to Ryan. I even call him in the middle of the night to say it to him. I guess I’ve never thought about if I actually meant it. And now, well, Ryan….he just…he just looked so serious when he said it. Those blue eyes staring into mine…I felt it…he meant it.”

“I don’t know what to do.”

“Oh.my.god!  Oh.my.god! Wow! Just, like, wow!  I think she loves me. I think she really loves me.  Cool.”

I feel that in our chats about the drama we’ve been watching unfold, that I’ve gotten to know all of you a little better and I also know that you’re confused about what happened at the merger. If you were to analyze the available facts in a logical way, to make timelines of events and feelings and to add in what all of us know instinctively in our guts about love, what ultimately happened between Jim and Pam just doesn’t make any sense.

 Let me Shrute it out for you:

Fact:  Jim told Pam he loved her. She told him she couldn’t reciprocate because she was going to marry Roy.

Fact: Jim left Scranton. Pam called off her marriage and ended her relationship with Roy only weeks after Jim’s reconciliation.

Fact: Pam was overjoyed to hear that Jim was returning to Scranton. She tried to hide it, but, to quote a Shakira lyric misheard by Michael Scott…hugs don’t lie.

Even if we were to factor in some time for Pam to figure things out and get a sense of who she was and what she wanted to do with her new life, someone as clueless as Creed (or dare I say, Kevin) could have figured out that the next step would be for these two to at least talk things out and to figure out where to take their relationship next based on the feelings they already had. Right?

That’s not what happened, though. Pam never told Jim about her broken engagement. Jim insulated himself by “starting to see” Karen right before moving back to the Scranton branch. Jim blew off Pam’s request to get together for coffee and then, before anything could happen, just threw Karen up in Pam’s face to avoid any real dialogue about feelings or regret or mistakes. Oy vey!

To be honest, I wasn’t as surprised and confused as you all were. I’ve known Jim and Pam for a long time and I know some of the back-story here….especially as it relates to their relationship with me. Maybe If I let you in on a few more details, I could help you all understand what happened after the merger…or more specifically….after Jim came back with Karen.  Just don’t tell them that I told you this stuff, though, okay?

When Pam was 12 years old, she wanted to be a nun.  Oh, she wasn’t all into me and religion and church, though we did talk a lot.  She had just seen The Sound of Music  17 times and wanted a life like Maria’s.  She told me that she wanted a dashing man in uniform to save her from a life of solitude and unflattering clothing.  She wanted a huge church wedding and a dress with a train a block long. She wanted to fight Nazis while putting on puppet shows. She wanted to help kids learn about the beauty of art. Oh, but she didn’t want to be a singing nun…she really couldn’t carry a tune….she would be the painting nun!  She had visions of herself, sitting on an Alpine hillside surrounded by a flock of little Von Trapps, each with their own easel.

The best part of the movie, in Pam’s opinion was when the dashing Captain Von Trapp threw away his engagement to the wealthy, elegant, sophisticated and beautiful Baroness to dance around the gazebo with the simple, witty, arty nun with the bad haircut. The fact that the Captain married Maria and not the Baroness gave Pam hope for girls like her who had mousy curls, liked to laugh, play pranks and hang out in the art room after school.

In the eighth grade, Pam’s school hosted several foreign exchange students. Pam was immediately drawn to Henk, a boy with high cheekbones, dark hair and a Schwartzenegger accent. It didn’t matter to Pam that he wasn’t from Austria, or even Germany (he was Belgian) and that he smelled a bit like weird cheese. He was her Captain. When she found out that he played the guitar, she was sold, despite the fact that he preferred Jimmy Page to Edleweiss.

Henk was also an artist (or as much of one as you can be in the 8th grade), though his medium was clay. Pam had class with him three times a week and she loved talking with him as she painted, watching his European hands mold and form the clay. They talked about all sorts of things…memories…hopes….dreams….waffles (he was from Belgium!)  They became friends. Good friends. Or at least that’s what she thought. Pam could totally envision herself leaving her self-imagined abbey and running off into the hills (wait…Belgium was one of the low countries, wasn’t it?)…and running off past the dykes of Belgium together. When Pam talked to me (and she did that a lot then) her hopes were high for a life of meaning and love.

That was until the Baroness came along. Oh, she wasn’t real royalty. She was middle school royalty…a cheerleader.  Her name was Andi and she was flawless. Her parents were both attorneys and she spent summers in the Hamptons. Of course, Henk took a shine to her. All of the boys did. Pam knew, though, how this would play out. Henk would chase after Andi for a while, but then he would realize that the perfect person for him was not the cool sophisticate, but the earthy, kind, funny friend. She didn’t have to pray to me for this to happen. She knew this would happen. After all, Maria Von Trapp was a real life person. I should have warned her.

One day, when Henk hadn’t shown up to the art room for the third day in a row, Pam went to find him. He was in the gym, watching the cheerleaders practice. Pam stood in the doorway, watching for quite some time wondering if this was going to be HER moment…wondering if this would be when Henk would carry her off through the tulip fields of his homeland (wait…that was Holland….did Belgium have tulips too?) and leave Andi behind.  That wasn’t to be, though. After the practice was over, Henk and Andi walked out the gym hand in hand…right past Pam. She must have made a small noise in her throat because Henk turned around and gave her a curious look.

“Vat are you doing here, Pam?”

“I was, um…waiting for you.”

“Vell, I’m with Andi. She is my girlfriend now, ja?”

Pam couldn’t help it. Didn’t he realize that he wasn’t doing what he was supposed to do?

“But, um, you’re supposed to be with me.”

“With you? Please, Pam…you are nothing…you are just a plain girl. Andi is a cheerleader! And she’s beautiful and wealthy. Why would I want to be with you?” (8th grade boys…even European one…have no tact, do they?).

And then everyone….Henk, Andi, the rest of the cheerleading squad…was laughing at her as she ran off, out of the school, down the street,  into downtown Scranton….a billion miles away from the Alps and her dreams.  That was the day she stopped talking to me on a regular basis.

When Jim Halpert was a senior in high school, he joined a cult.

Now before you start freaking out, let me explain. This wasn’t a head-shaving, bed-sheet wearing, self-castrating kind of a cult (yeah, I know which of you are breathing a sigh of relief at that!). This was one of those groups of young people led by an older, charismatic guy who sits backwards on folding chairs, lets you call him by his first name and who uses young people and religion to feed his ego and delusions of grandeur or to meet high school girls.  I’m sure there’s been an episode of Law and Order about a similar “holy man” and I thoroughly disapprove of scams like this. They always end up bad and people get mad at me…as if I had something to do with it.

Jim started attending meetings at “Chip”’s house because of a girl. Her name was Riley and she was beautiful…not in a Playboy model sort of way but she had one of those inner, wholesome glows. Maybe that should have screamed, “Danger, Jim…Cult” but it didn’t.

Jim wasn’t exactly a loner in high school. He had friends and had the basketball team, but there were times when he just wanted to be alone…to think and to talk things over with me. We had a good, casual relationship.  One day when he was sitting on the steps waiting for his mom to come and pick him up from practice, Riley sat down next to him and put her hand on his shoulder in a very intimate way.

“Hey, Jim…right?”

“Yeah….you’re Riley. Cool name!”

“Thanks. What are you doing?”

“Just waiting for my mom to come and get me.”

“Oh, that’s cool. Do you have a good relationship with your mom?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

Jim didn’t understand why Riley cared about his parents, but she was cool and pretty, so he didn’t mind the slightly odd direction that the conversation was heading.

“I sometimes feel like my parents don’t get who I am inside, you know, Jim?”

“Um…yeah…totally.”

“Really, you understand? Listen, there’s this really cool guy that I know and well, some of us hang out at his house and we eat pizza and talk and he really gets what it’s like to be young and unsure. Would you like to come to his house with me some time?”

“Um…sure….sounds cool.”

So, Jim started accompanying Riley to Chip’s house where they would rap about problems and issues like drug use and teen sex. Jim caught on pretty early that there was something “off” with Chip, but he liked spending time with Riley and felt like they had a really good connection. He didn’t mind thinking about some of the spiritual topics brought up at these meetings. Jim and I had some good talks at that time even though he had never really been religious before. It caused him to open up his mind and think outside of his life in Scranton.  He also felt like he was falling in love with Riley. She had a way of making him feel special.

One night, though, after most of the kids had left, Jim went  for a walk to chat with me after some particularly deep conversation about free will and fate. Riley had said she was going to help pick up the pizza mess. You can see where this is going, can’t you? Unfortunately, naïve and trusting Jim didn’t.

Sure enough, when Jim returned from his walk, he barged right in on Riley and Chip in an, um delicate position on top of the pizza boxes and Coke bottles still on the kitchen table. He stormed back to the living room, grabbed his letter jacket and was half-way out the door when Riley caught up with him.

“Jim, does this mean you are quitting the group? That you aren’t going to officially join?”

“Yeah, I think it does, Riley.”

“But, the only reason I got to be with Chip was that I recruited you. You were number five!”

“What…..you ‘recruited me’? Are you saying you used me?”

“Well, Jim…I love you….as a creature of the universe loves another, but the whole goal here is to be with Chip…to achieve enlightenment. We can still be friends…we’ll always be friends.”

Jim felt like a schmuck as he slammed the door behind him.

Then there was a lot of cursing and a lot of taking my name in vain. I understood, though. Jim swore that he would never let himself be used again…never let himself be vulnerable enough to be taken advantage of. And to some extent, he kept that personal vow.  He used people, women especially…not in a malicious way, but for self-preservation. They were a  wall against getting hurt.  You all saw him doing it…with Katy, with Brenda…. You all also saw what happened when he took that wall down and allowed himself to be totally exposed with the one person who mattered most of all to him. He told himself time and time again that he should have known better. So, when the merger came through, and he knew he’d have to spend time with Pam again, he latched on to Karen as a buffer to use against the onslaught of feelings that were sure to come up again. It wasn’t fair to Karen…he knew that, but he couldn’t help himself.

I know it is trite to suggest that we are all only a reflection of the bad experiences we had in our youth. That’s not exactly true. We learn and grow. We add battle scars and calluses to our hearts and minds as we go through life (well, you all do….not me). But sometimes, we latch on to former hurts and let them define us…or at least our actions. Both Jim and Pam started talking to me again periodically after these incidents, but it was never really the same until they met each other in that office in Scranton. It’s hard for you humans to let go…maybe it’s a design flaw on my part. I should have made you more adaptable. Whatever the case, these old hurts and wounds rose up to the surface when Jim and Pam met once more in that parking lot the evening of the merger.

 “I just think I should tell you that I sort of started seeing someone.”

“Um, okay…good”

“We’re friends…we’ll always be friends”

“Right”

“Good to have you back”

“Yeah…good to be back”

After that night, I didn’t hear from either of them for a long time.

The only time that Kevin talks to me is when he’s had too much to eat and his indigestion keeps him awake. I hear his voice whining my way at 2:30 in the morning as he shuffles back and forth between his bedroom and the bathroom, one leg of his sweatpants hiked up to his knee and the hair he still has forming crazy peaks on the sides of his head.

“Oh God, I had way too many M&M’s….and chicken wings…and Cool Ranch Doritos….and deep fried dill pickles…..uhhhhhhhhh.”

“I need to stop this. This isn’t good for me.”

“And it isn’t good for my heart, and my liver and my, ummmm my other inside stuff.”

We have these late-night conversations and nothing seems to change. I’ve thought of sending Kevin a little warning heart-attack or something to shake him up a little, but I doubt what kind of impact it would have. I usually direct Kevin back to bed for a few hours and send disturbing dreams to trouble his sleep. In the past, I’ve tried snakes with feet, chocolate covered candies that shriek with pain when bitten into and one dream where Stacey left him for Kelly (I realized too late that he liked that one a little too much). Tonight, though,  I decide to just annoy him and send him a repetitive dream about an appliance delivery service that keeps ringing his doorbell and dropping off large boxes. They keep coming and coming until Kevin discovers the deliveries should have been made next door and that there are 69 accidental refrigerators filling his garage and swimming pool.

This dream just makes Kevin turn slightly and grumble in his sleep. I decide to hit him where it hurts and send him a one where he, dressed as the cowardly lion, is brought before a giant, green, disembodied head. Except this isn’t OZ, it’s Sting.  Sting chides Kevin for playing his songs while dangerously out of shape and tries to inspire him to achieve a tantric and buff body and then Sting makes fun of Kevin’s hat.

This at least wakes Kevin up, covered in a cold sweat. He shuffles back into the bathroom, turns on the light and slaps some water on his face.  He looks at himself in the mirror. He doesn't really like what he sees there. He knows he doesn’t deserve Stacey. He knows that he’s not as smart and witty as the people he works with. He knows that much of his life has passed him by and he’s turned into a flabbier replica of his flabby father.  He also knows, though, that most of the time, he’s pretty happy. He has a fiancé that loves him in spite of his physical flaws. He amuses himself at a boring job and he’s in a band, playing music that makes him smile. It’s only in the middle of the night when his stomach is churning that he thinks about making changes.

“Hey, God….or Sting….or whoever?”

“I’m doing the best I can, you know?”

The next morning Kevin packs a baggie with six carrot sticks in his lunch bag…next to his Doritos and Twinkies.  Baby steps…..baby steps. Maybe if he's good,  I’ll send him that Stacey / Kelly dream again.

Christmas is the time for a lot of things…..

I usually make it a practice to take the day off on the usual religious holidays…doesn’t matter what religion; I just like to kick back and enjoy my creation without having to worry about everything.

Now don’t worry. I don’t leave you all alone on occasions like this…I have backup plans. One of my main stand-ins is the practice of gift-giving. It was my idea to have people give each other things so that they could be reminded of my love and presence even when I’m lounging by the pool.

Case in point…the Dunder Mifflin Christmas party this year. Even though I wasn’t technically THERE, in a way I was. I was there in the small items and kindnesses the employees bestowed on one another.

Let me explain.

Andy gave Michael the gift of lunch out of the office.

I know what you are thinking:  this gift wasn’t given selflessly. It was given to suck up to the boss. But that doesn’t matter. Andy’s self-serving plan got Michael out of his office (and bathrobe) and out of the pit of despair he had created. It let him forget (even momentarily) that he was alone…again.

Andy gave Michael the gift of Forgetfulness.

Pam gave Jim the gift of a red folder full of Dwight’s secrets and the promise of more fun and games.

As with many intangible gifts, this one was full of so much more than what was actually in that folder. Each piece of paper had a message for Jim and said so much more than, “…my boss was at magic camp.”. They said….

     I miss you.

     Each time I send Dwight one of these,  I think of you.

     I hope you’ll be back someday to see these.

     I know you’ll be back.

     I want you to know that I remember how things used to be before I ruined them.

     I want that again.

Pam gave Jim the gift of Remembrance.

Pam gave Karen the gift of the Committee to Plan Parties

 She didn’t have to. By all rights, she shouldn’t have. Karen wouldn’t even have Jim if it weren’t for her, right? But despite all of that, Pam couldn’t just let Karen feel ostracized by Angela’s weird control issues (I need to speak to Angela again about what exactly ‘doing my will’ means).  Pam extended her hand (and brightly colored flyer and vodka bottle) in camaraderie to Karen and ended up getting something back for herself…a friend in the office.

Pam gave Karen the gift of Acceptance

Roy gave Pam the gift of some art supplies.

He had never been really good at giving gifts. A sweater, an air pressure gauge, really good sex…these were the things that he typically gave her (unless he had his mother or sister do the shopping for him). He had gotten this for her himself, though. He wanted to give her something that mattered, something that showed her that he understood who she was and what was important to her. He wanted to show her that he could be someone different and that she had cast him aside too soon. He wanted her to know that there could be a future with him…with the new and improved him. He wanted her to know that he still loved her.

Roy gave Pam the gift of Potential

Pam and Karen gave Angela the gift of a Nutcracker Christmas

They hadn’t created their alternate party to be cruel, but only as a way to let Angela know that if you don’t listen to others’ opinions and compromise, that you’ll lose control of the very situation you want to be in charge of. Angela liked being in charge so much despite the fact that nobody ever thanked her and that nobody ever realized how much hard work went into planning the numerous parties and events that their branch manager insisted they had.  What I know, and what Karen and Pam didn’t, was that Angela worked so hard because she wanted someone to be proud of her, someone to realize how much effort she put into things. That’s part of her attraction to Dwight. He could see the contribution she made to the office. He knew she was invaluable. All she had wanted was for people to enjoy her baked goods and listen to the music she had loved as a child and Karen and Pam gave that back to her (even though they were the ones that had taken it in the first place!) When the former Committee to Plan Parties saw Angela belting out “Little Drummer Boy” with Dwight on his knees before her, they knew they had made the right decision.

Pam and Karen gave Angela the gift of Recognition.

Jim gave Michael the gift of a shoulder to lean on.

Jim really did feel sorry for Michael despite the fact that he knew that Michael was responsible for all of his own problems. His boss had no filter to know when he had been too creepy, too inappropriate…too Michael.  But rather than dwell on that and turn this into a lesson in how not to totally freak-out a girlfriend, Jim decided to help Michael move on by talking to him like a guy. That’s all Michael wanted…a little male bonding. Remember when Michael starting drinking grape soda and shagging out his hair after Jim shared his secret with him? Jim knew that Michael was lacking in buddies. So he talked with Michael…about girls and relationships and whatever else Michael wanted to bond over.

Jim gave Michael the gift of Friendship.

Michael gave Jim a gift without even knowing it.

He had just been trying to lean on Jim….Man to Man. Bro to Bro. Dude to Dude.  And without knowing it, he helped Jim wrap his head around an important idea.

“A rebound…can be a really fun distraction, but, when it’s over, you’re left thinking about the girl you really like, the one that broke your heart.”

Karen was a rebound. She was a replacement for Pam. Despite everything that Jim had told himself about moving on and Karen being awesome because she wasn’t afraid to show her feelings…Pam was still the girl that he really liked even if she had broken his heart. He needed to deal with these feelings. He either needed to REALLY get over them, or do something about them. I could help him with that if he’d just ask and that night…..he did. We had a nice, long talk (even though I was supposed to be on vacation).

Michael gave Jim the gift of Realization.

Jim gave Pam the gift of a mutual prank.

He could tell how disappointed she was that “new Jim” couldn’t even get a little excited about Project Shrute. He knew how much work she had put into it. He had tried to not revert to his old ways and reinvent himself as “Assistant Regional Manager”  and “Karen’s boyfriend” but Pam…she was supposed to be his friend…his best friend. He knew he had been keeping his distance with her….punishing her for rejecting him six months ago. He didn’t want to be that guy. He didn’t want to hurt her any more. So, he suggested a rendezvous at Quantico, complete with a helicopter. When she laughed, Jim knew he had received everything he wanted for Christmas.

Jim gave Pam the gift of Forgiveness.

Jan gave Michael the gift of…..

Well, you all know what she gave him and that’s all I’ll say about that.

I’ll see you all at the pool.

“Michael. Sit down. We need to talk. This um….won’t be easy, but if this realat—if this thing we have is going to work, I need to come clean about a few things with you. I haven’t been totally truthful. Dr. Perry says that I need to be completely honest.”

[That’s a good start, but maybe you should start by telling him about Dr. Perry]

“Let’s start with something easy. My favorite color is…. It isn’t black, it isn’t navy blue. I appreciate that you tried to find me roses in those colors, but well…that didn’t exactly work out, did it? So, I’ll make it easier for you. I like pink. I’m like that Julia Roberts character in that stupid movie where they eat the bloody armadillo cake.  Blush, Bashful, Dusty Rose, Babies Bottom….all shades of pink.

[What about the shade your cheeks are now? Liking a feminine color doesn’t make you weak.]

I don’t use lightning bolts anymore. At least not very often.

It used to be that when I wanted to make a point or to get someone’s attention, I would send a bolt of fire from up here down at them….or I’d at least set a bush or something on fire. That used to be enough.

I’ve found, though, that these days, subtlety works much better than a big production. You guys are so used to flashy and fiery….think Superbowl halftime show or a weekend with Britney Spears….that small quiet moments are the best way to reach you. I prefer it that way….less singeing.

I think you saw that last night.

I’m not going to take credit for anything other than the timing (do you think it was an accident that Jim got to hear a “Dunder Mifflin, this is….” or that he found Pam’s note just when David Wallace asked him about his long-term plans?).  This reminder….this touchstone was all Pam. She knew that a soap-opera style declaration of love or a standoff with Karen wasn’t what was needed. Jim didn’t need an email confession or for Pam to stop on his way out the door for a big, wet sloppy one.  All he needed was to remember…..and to come back. Pam knew exactly what to do.

 A Yogurt lid. It’s nothing more than a throw-away piece of cheap aluminum. How many of them are filling up your landfills or stuck to the bottom of the garbage can? It means nothing….unless it does.

It means…..I remember.

It means….I support you.

It means….I think you are special.

It means…I only want for you to be happy.

It means…I’ve loved you for a long time.

It means…I wish you would.

Jim got it. Though it hit him like a lightning bolt, it didn’t incinerate him….it just warmed him up inside…let the frozen parts thaw, so to speak. You know in that Christmas special? The one with the Winter Warlock? When he saw that note….realized what it meant, he melted, just like when Kris Kringle gave old WW the choo choo. It was that simple. That beautiful. It was perfect.

Had Jim not figured it out, I would have had to take drastic….more electric measures.

So, now Jim has come back and you’ve had some of your questions answered. I know you have a lot more, but let’s let them have a little space. The television cameras will go away for a while and they can start to work this out.

It won’t be easy, but they’ll be just fine. I’m so proud of them. I’m proud of Pam for coming into her own….for forever discarded descriptors like doormat and mousy. I’m proud of her for finding her voice and for sticking by her words. I’m proud of Jim for putting aside the hurt and the anger…and for telling the truth. I’m proud of him for knowing just what Pam needed to hear. “Thennnn it’s a date”. No more games. No more beating around the bush. I’m proud.

I might be around this summer to talk to you about Michael and Jan and Ryan and Kelly and whoever else you want to talk about. I like these chats we have. Thinking about love and friendship and loyalty helps me relieve some of my job stress.

Just remember…..I was right about this.

Love never fails

P.S.  Despite the large volume of requests I’ve received, I will not be sending a lightning bolt Karen’s way.

Hey everyone, it’s God here.  I know you’ve all had some pretty good summers. I’ve been watching you. You’ve relaxed and spent time with family, taken trips, fixed up things around the house and I know that you’ve also spent some time wondering and worrying about your favorite documentary subjects. It’s okay…nothing to be ashamed about. I have to admit that I use my powers to check in on them more than is necessary.  As the documentary crew prepares to unleash another season upon us (they’ve been cutting and editing and doing all of that other arty stuff) I thought we could take some time to talk and share and catch up.

Things ended pretty well last season and I know that I chatted with you briefly about that. I did, though, want to clear something up. I’ve heard from a lot of you…read it in a couple of media publications even…that Jim asking Pam out on a date was the answer to a lot of prayers...from Pam and Jim and well, from all you out there rooting for them. What I wanted to clear up, though, was that this wasn’t the first time I’ve done that for them. Through the course of what you’ve seen on television so far, I’ve been there all along, dealing with prayer requests. Sometimes, though, those requests don’t turn out like people want them to. I guess that what I’m saying is that sometimes I answer a prayer by not answering it at all. Didn’t Garth Brooks sing about that once? I’m not much of a country fan, so I’d have to check. I just want you to know that sometimes the best gift I can give you is to pretend that I didn’t hear you.

Back after the Booze Cruise, Jim prayed long and hard for Pam to have a happy marriage and for Roy to treat her the way she deserved to be treated. I couldn’t do that for him. Does that make me a bad guy?

Pam prayed a lot too…for acceptance and to get over the things she felt…things she called nerves and cold feet. Pam wanted so much to be a good wife to Roy and like many women, felt that if she worked hard enough and overlooked some of the cracks in their relationship that everything would fall into place.   I couldn’t give her that peace of mind, though…and I’m not sorry.

When Jim was in Stamford, he asked to forget. He wanted help moving on. He wanted the pain in his heart to go away. Though it may seem cruel, sometimes I show that I care by letting heartache linger and by not letting you forget.

Pam’s done her fair share of praying in the last year or so too for Jim to be happy with Karen and well, if I wouldn’t make her happy for Jim, I certainly couldn’t turn around and make him happy for her, right? I am an equal opportunity God.

Every time Jim asked for strength to make it work with Karen, or when Pam asked me to help her find her own “Karen” (and yes, I know very well she isn’t gay) I turned away.  Even when both of these two were praying for basically the same thing (Jim to get the New York job and Pam asking me to get Jim the job if that’s what he wanted) I pretended I couldn’t hear.

And before you get all smug and think that of course it was all for the best considering how things turned out, just think about the position it put me in. One of the hardest things I have to do is not give people what they so desperately want. Do you think I liked seeing Pam’s tears, knowing I could make them go away? Do you think I wanted Karen to get hurt while Jim flailed about so urgently trying to make it work with her? That’s hard…especially because there are no guarantees. Remember, we’ve talked about free will, and if Jim and Pam didn’t make these choices and follow the paths they did, there’s no assurance that the pain would be worth it. I usually help prod people in the right directions…I’m not a sadist, but sometimes I don’t win out.

So, when you guys are talking about how I’ve answered all of Jim and Pam’s prayers, remember that no…I didn’t.

I guess that’s all I have for now. If you faithful readers have any questions for me…if you want to know why someone did something or why any of these Office-ites behave the way they do, drop me a line in the comments here and I’ll see what I can do before the show starts up again. I’d also be happy to talk about any of these folks’ relationships with me. I just can’t tell you everything.

Stay good.

God

Wow.

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? The last time I checked in with you was back before that Fun Run Michael organized for the office.  So much has happened since then.

There’s a reason for my absence from popping in to chat with you all about our favorite documentary pair.

I’ve been busy.

There have been wars and recessions and natural disasters and swine flu and all sorts of other things keeping my plate pretty full. 

I guess if I were being completely honest (and I kind of have to be…it is one of my rules)I’d admit that there’s another reason for my absence. 

You’ve stopped needing me.

Ever since Jim and Pam got together, you’ve stopped the weekly prayers on their behalf. I don’t get the same pleading and asking that I used to get back when the two of them were still finding their way to one another.  You’ve stopped worrying about them …stopped needing me to step in and fix what you felt needed fixing.

Sure, there have been blips in my inbox…little spurts when fans of this show remembered that I existed. You were worried when Pam went to New York, you asked for vengeance against that Alex kid and some of you want the best for the new little life Pam is carrying around and asked for my help (I’m on that, believe me).

But the volume of requests? That’s been way down. The stuff I just mentioned? None of it generated the response that something like Jim’s confession at the casino thing or Pam’s tears in the stairwell brought me.

In a way, I’m glad. I’m glad that you can see what I can see…that for these two, everything’s going to work out the way it should be…the way it was always supposed to.  I told you all a long time ago to trust me and I’m holding back an “I told you so” now.

That reminds me. There’s something else I want you all to trust me on.

In the last few days, I’ve gotten a few prayers from the lucky couple themselves. Now don’t get all worried. They aren’t having doubts and the baby is fine. It’s just been little things.

“God, please don’t let my parents fight in front of everyone. I hope they can be civil over the weekend”

“Please, don’t let the out of town relatives notice that Pam’s pregnant. She’s been stressing about Aunt Bessie calling her a harlot.”

“God, please don’t let Michael do anything embarrassing.”

There’s something I want to let you all in on. Pam’s parents will probably fight. Aunt Bessie will probably find out about the baby, but she’ll get over it.

And Michael?

Well, he’s kind of my wedding present.

What do I mean? Let me explain.

I know that some of you have heard of  and believe in“guardian angels”. You believe that there’s always someone assigned to look out for us…to keep us safe…to point us in the right directions.

Guardian angels exist. They do. Just probably not in the way you think.  My regular angels are much too busy helping me with the big problems to worry about helping you find your keys or avoid hitting a cement pillar in a parking garage.  I don’t leave you alone, though. Not for a second.

One thing I’m proud of is the fact that I work very hard to place people in your lives who are always there for you. They love you unconditionally and they help you be better people. They lift your spirits when you are down and celebrate your successes as if they were your own. Think about it. Don’t you have someone in your life that that? Yeah? I did that.

So whenever Jim or Pam have needed someone, I’ve made sure that their “guardian angel” has been there….

                To remind him to never, ever give up.

                To come to her art show.

                To soar with the eagles’ nest.

Is Michael perfect? Hell no! He messes up a lot, but I think that at this wedding he’ll surprise Jim and Pam in a really good way. He’ll horrify them too, don’t get me wrong, but if anyone understands what they’ve been through, it’s Michael.

Will I be watching? Sure.

Will I cry? I’ll leave that up to you.

I’m going to take off now and I’m  betting  that I won’t hear from you for a very long time. Happily Ever Afters have a way of making people stop talking to me.

And in this case? I’m totally okay with that.

---G.