Disclaimer:  I do not own these characters, or the Office, or the Phillies, or a Dwight Bobblehead doll (although I do want one.)  No copyright infringement intended.

Jim sat at the bar in the infamous Scranton Chili’s, nursing the last remnants of his now lukewarm beer.  He had left work a little earlier than necessary to meet Mark for drinks and some much needed friend therapy.  He stared at the TV in the corner of the bar that was showing the Phillies opening day, letting his vision alternate between focused and unfocused.  It had been an altogether unbelievable day at the office, and he was thankful he had set up this evening a week ago giving himself an easy out from the inevitable discussion Karen would be demanding.

Ever since he had kissed Pam, he wondered when the shoe would drop, when Roy would find out and come looking for him.  In fact, when he was packing to move to Stamford, he was sure Roy would come to his house.  He waited for it in a way.  But he didn’t.  When he moved, he half expected Roy to call him and harass him on the phone; but he didn’t.  Apparently the whole thing was another in a long line of events that Pam hid from Roy, and until today he had been thankful for that. 

Jim liked to think he was a brave man, but when Roy lunged for him, he was afraid.  Afraid of a million things, and getting punched was the least of his worries.  What would Karen think?  What did it all mean?  What did Pam say?  Did Roy take any of that anger out on her?  He motioned the bartender for another beer when he heard a familiar voice call to him, “Hey Man!  What’s up?”

“Not much.  It’s been too long again.”  Jim got up off the barstool and the two men shook hands.  They didn’t see each other as often as they used to since they no longer lived together.  Mark was living with his girlfriend Jane and what with Jim dating Karen there wasn’t a lot of free time. 

They ordered a few appetizers and a pitcher and settled into a nearby booth.  “So how’s Jane?”

“Eh, she’s pretty good.  Work’s crazy right now, I’m working pretty long hours.  I’m glad you called, gave me a chance to get away early.  So, uh, how are things going with you?”  Mark peered expectantly over his beer.

“Everything’s…..”  Jim pondered on how to answer without giving too much away.  He settled on the easy way out, “Everything’s cool.  Status quo.”  Jim’s eyes darted back to the baseball game on TV. 

“Yeah, know what you mean.  My biggest excitement right now is 10 cent wing night at BW3’s and the fact that baseball is back.”  Mark motioned to the baseball game with his beer and smiled. 

“Right.”  Jim nodded, relieved to be able to talk about nothing important for a change.

“Jane keeps asking about you.  I think she misses hearing all your stories about Dunder Mifflin.”  

Jim’s mind wandered thinking about the nights that he used to sit in the living room with Mark and Jane recounting whatever ridiculous thing that had happened that day in the office.  Jane loved Jim’s impressions of his co-workers and would always chime in with a ‘shut up, he did not do that’ when they talked about Michael.  Jim felt a sadness come upon him when he realized that the other person he and Jane would talk about a lot was Pam.

“You need a nipple for that beer you’re nursing?” 

“Huh?  Sorry my mind wandered.”

“So I noticed….”

“Yeah, well, I had an interesting day….”  Jim traced the rim of his beer glass, not quite making eye contact with Mark and trying to keep the whole thing nonchalant.

“Oh yeah?  What happened?”  Mark turned his attention to dissecting the last part of a spring roll.

“You remember Pam?  The receptionist?”

Mark chuckled a little that Jim would ask him that, as if there had not been hundreds of drunken discussions between his girlfriend and Jim about one Pam Beesly and the small unavoidable fact that Jim was totally in love with her.  When Jim got drunk, you could bet the next topic of conversation he would bring up would be Pam.  “I vaguely recall a Pam.  Proceed…..”

Jim smiled a moment at their little attempt to dance around this subject.  “Her Neanderthal ex-fiancé came into the office today apparently bent on beating the crap out of me.”

All amusement drained out of Mark.  He had never met Roy but Jim was not the kind of guy that really knew how to hold his own with a bully.  If he did he doubted they would even be in this situation.  “What?  In the office?  How did you get out of that?”

Jim started laughing, almost maniacally into his beer as he took a swig, “Actually, Dwight pepper sprayed him.” 

They locked eyes for a moment as they both burst out laughing.  “Seriously?  That guy is…..unexpected and……odd.” 

“Yep, but I think I owe him one.  Roy really looked beyond pissed off.”

“How did that happen you think?”

“Well apparently Pam told him that we kissed.  He did not take it well.”

“Apparently not.  Did you talk to Pam?”

“Well yes and no.  She apologized all over herself, but she didn’t really explain.  Course I suspect that’s a hard thing to do with my girlfriend staring her down and all.”

Mark flinched for dramatic effect, “Ouch, yeah I forgot about Karen, bet she didn’t like any of that.”

Jim laughed again as he set the beer down and slipped back in his seat, slouching in the booth.  “You could say that.  Although, I tried to avoid her as much as possible this afternoon.”

“Pam or Karen?”

“Both actually.”

For a moment, there was nothing but silence between the two as Mark refilled their glasses.  “So what’s your plan?”

Jim responded quickly with his stock answer, “No plan.  I’ll beg Karen’s forgiveness.  We’ll discuss the whole thing forever and a day and then it’ll be over.  Everything will settle back down.”

Mark pondered his beer for a moment, checking the score of the game out of the corner of his eye.  He didn’t understand his old friend these days.  Even though he liked Karen, she was smart and incredibly hot, Jim seemed to be a completely different person when he was with her.  Mark had known Jim a long time, and he knew a rebound gone wrong when he saw it.

“Do you really want it to settle back down?”

“What?  Oh yeah of course I do.”  Jim sounded a little too distant to be believed.  “Do you think I like being the target of angry ex’s?”

“No, but I think that if Pam broke up with that guy and he came after you, there’s more to the story.  I’m just surprised you aren’t interested in what that is.”

“Pam and I…..well, I’m with Karen now.”

“Yep, you are, and you seem very happy about it.”  Mark couldn’t help the sarcasm that dripped from every word.  Jim hadn’t acted truly happy in months. 

“What the hell does that mean?”  Jim snapped harshly.

“Listen,…nothing.  Never mind.  Just surprised you’re not even tempted to see what’s going on with Pam.”

“Pam’s not interested. I don’t know why she told him, but I’m sure it doesn’t have anything to do with me.”

“You don’t know that, unless you talk to her.”

“You know what Mark, I do know that Pam rejected me twice and never made a move toward me after that as anything other than friends.  She didn’t even care when I came back from Stamford with Karen.”

“Ah, using the new girlfriend to get back at Pam were you?”

“Well, no.  Yes.  I don’t know.  But she didn’t seem to care, she went right back to the ‘we’re friends’ default position.” 

The two sat in silence staring into nothingness; Jim wasn’t sure how much he really wanted to say.  Speaking feelings aloud made them real.  Maybe if he just kept quiet, he could pretend a little longer than he really was the new man he had pretended to be for so long.  Besides he hated owning up to the idea that he loved bringing Karen back and telling Pam about it.  He loved showing her that he had moved on. 

“Hey Man, I’m sure you know best.  I’m just saying it wouldn’t be unheard of for someone in that office to hide their true feelings.  Maybe you pulled out the Karen preemptive strike too soon.”  Mark took another swig of beer.

“Mark, don’t be ridiculous.  It wasn’t like that.”  Jim put his hands up in a sign of frustration, “If she cared she could have said something, anything….”

“Like maybe invite you to coffee or something.”

Jim pursed his lips; he knew he should never have told Jane about that.  But he was so confused when he got back to Scranton, he needed to talk to someone and Jane seemed like the most compassionate ear.  He should have known she would tell Mark. 

It didn’t matter, even if Mark was right.  Karen was his girlfriend now, part of his new evolved life.  Things were coming together.  Could he really take a chance on Pam again and risk losing all that he had?  His response was sharp to hide his confusion,

“Mark I’m sure you mean well but I don’t see why you’re bringing this up now unless you’re just trying to be an asshole.  Pam Beesly is ancient history.  Really, I’m over her.” 

Jim wished he could cover the fact that his voice cracked on that last part, which did not make him sound very convincing.

Mark took a heavy breath and a long draw on his beer, slamming the glass down, more than a little affected by both the alcohol and his friend’s attitude.  There’s nothing more frustrating than watching your friend make the same mistake over and over.    

“Ok cut the crap Jim, you aren’t even acting like yourself anymore.  I don’t understand what you are so afraid of.”

Mark paused for a moment trying to decide if he should say the rest of what he was thinking.  He continued on, “Look Karen is pretty and smart and together, really she’s great.  But I think you’re still in love with Pam and you’re mad as hell at yourself for it.”

Jim stared into his beer, completely unable to look Mark in the eye, but Mark continued undeterred.   He took a deep breath and said much softer,

“Man, you can do whatever you want.  I’ll back you whatever you do.  But you’ll never know what you want if you keep hiding behind Karen.  I think you owe it to yourself to find out what’s going with Pam.  You can’t really move on without it.”

Jim’s body relaxed a little sensing that the sermon was over.  As much as he hated to admit it, he knew that Mark was right.  Jim sighed, finally giving up a little of the tension he had been holding in all day and letting out the shock of having someone actually call him out about the way he’d been acting. 

“I think we need more beer….and probably cheese fries.”  Jim cracked a little smile to let Mark know that he wasn’t upset.

Mark smiled back warmly, “Oh yeah, that’s for sure.”  Mark signaled for the waitress.  “Are we gonna talk about the Phillies new line up or what?”  It was definitely time for a change of topic.

Saturday morning came way too early and with a vengeance.  Jim tried to pry his eyes open while he blindly reached for the alarm clock.  He and Mark had stayed out late drinking beer and he was paying for it now.  Jane had joined them after she left work, and once she got wind of the fight with Roy there was no deterring her questions about Jim’s messed up love life.  He winced a little remembering that he may have said more about his feelings than he generally liked to admit in public, much less to himself.  At least Mark was every bit as plastered as he was and may not remember it all.  In fact, Jim barely remembered anything.  He slowly hauled himself out of bed and turned on the shower to steaming hot. 

He looked in the mirror and groaned.  He looked like he may have been hit by a small truck over night, hair sticking out in every direction, crease marks on his face, serious stubble.  He peeled his tongue off the roof of his mouth and realized that it was possible that something had died in his mouth over night, probably of dehydration since his mouth had never seemed so dry.  He took a huge drink of water right out of the tap and then reached for the Advil. 

After a very long shower and two cups of coffee, he was finally convinced that he may live after all.  His cell phone split the silence, and his headache throbbed in response.

 “Hello?”  His voice was gruff and gravely.

“Morning honey, it’s Jane.  I take it you feel as bad as my idiot boyfriend does?”

Jane’s voice was way too bright for his ears this morning, so he adjusted the volume on his phone and sat down on his bed for a minute. 

“Yeah, it’s pretty ugly.  But you know he was the one that wanted to do car bombs.  This is not my fault.”

“Yeah yeah whatever.  So you’re gonna talk to her right?”

“Huh?  Talk to who?”  Jim was legitimately confused, thought he feared he knew exactly who Jane was talking about.

“Oh don’t tell me you don’t remember?  Hello?  Pam.  Somewhere between the second pitcher and the first car bomb you decided that you were going to talk to her, find out about what happened with Roy.”

Jim flopped back on the bed.   He was relieved if this was all he said to Jane, usually he said a lot more.  “Did I?  Well we’ll see.”  Jim paused for a moment rubbing his knuckles into his eyes to try to erase the last 24 hours.  “Jane?  I didn’t say anything else right?”

He felt like he could feel the smirk coming through the phone.  “Nah.”  He let out a relieved breath.  “Unless you count the pathetic rambling about how you love her and want to marry her, want her to bear your children, the usual.” 

Jim shot straight up horrified.  “No….. I didn’t…. Did I?”

Jane giggled, “Yep, you sure did lover-boy.  That was after the second car bomb when I drove you home.  Mark was unintelligible in the back seat singing Freebird, ring a bell?”

“I don’t suppose I was talking about Karen.”

She paused.  “What do you think?”

Jim flopped back on the bed.  “Fuck it.  I need to move to Guam.”

“No you need to talk to her.  So grow a pair and get to it.”

Jim laughed picturing Mark’s diminutive southern girlfriend using the phrase ‘grow a pair’.  “Jane, who talks like that?”

“You know I’m right upstairs during those poker games right?

“Right.”

“So you’re gonna try right?” 

“Yeah, I’m gonna try.”

“Monday, you’ll try Monday.”

Jim felt his stomach knot up at the idea of approaching Pam about the fact that Roy had tried to kill him.  Actually he was nervous at the prospect of actually discussing anything of substance with Pam.  He hadn’t really done that in weeks, not since Phyllis’s wedding, and he wasn’t entirely sure he was ready for it.  But knowing that Jane was used to getting her way, he reluctantly agreed,

“I’ll try on Monday.”

Jim pushed his way through the front door of his apartment with his shoulder, grocery bags in one hand, dry cleaning in the other, and mail in his teeth.  As soon as the door shut behind him, he dropped all of the packages around him on the floor as if his arms had given out.  The mail swirled around him like a snowstorm on its way to the floor.  He shrugged out of his coat and thought for a moment about piling it on top of the mountain of personal items now strewn in the front hall; but, hearing his mother’s voice in his ears, he hung it up in the closet.  He also picked up the dry cleaning; he did just pay about a million dollars to get his suits out of hock, it would be nice to at least make it a week before doing it all over again.  He reached for the grocery bags and went into the kitchen. 

The day had not gone at all like he had planned.  Everyone was still talking about Roy, asking about the fight.  Things were weird with Dwight, not to mention the blinding image of Dwight and Angela making out.  He wanted to tell Karen, giggle about it all over dinner, but he knew even if he did she wouldn’t really get it.  She’d give him that ‘and your point is?’ look that he hates so much.  So when he left work, he told her that he had to take care of some errors and slinked home.

Of course, the thing that had really ruined his day was his discussion with Pam, which had not gone at all the way he intended.   He had honestly planned to ask her if she was alright, to try to talk to her like they used to.  In fact on the drive in he had planned out the whole thing.

 "Hey Beesly, did you have a good weekend?”

“Well, actually it kind of sucked, you know with Roy.”

“Yeah, I wanted to ask you about that, are you doing ok?  What was that all about?”

“I’m alright, we’re through and I think that’s best.”

“Why was he so mad at me?”

“Because I told him that I love you.

He shrugged his head angrily realizing that every time he imagined talking to her, he imagined that she would end the conversation declaring her love for him.  Of course, when he actually got to work and saw how withdrawn she was, how sad she was over this last round with Roy, he just got very angry with her.  He was mad she was so weak, frustrated by her inability to get out of her perpetual rut. When he finally did talk to her, he didn’t hide his disdain very well.  He realized on the way home, that whatever was left of their friendship was gone now. 

He put a frozen pizza in the oven and cracked open a beer.  Flipping on Sportscenter, he kicked off his shoes and sprawled across the couch.  He was startled by the sound of his cell phone ringing.  He knew it would be Jane calling for an update about how things went with Pam.  He didn’t want to answer, but if he ignored her, she would just call again, and again.  Mark had once said that she could out-stubborn a mule, and Jim knew her well enough to know that was true.

“Hi Jane.  Are you stalking me now or something?”

“You wish Jim!”

“Seriously, I don’t talk to your boyfriend this much and I knew him first.”

“Uh-huh.  Quit stalling, how’d it go?  Did you talk to her?”

“Um, yeah I did.”  It wasn’t a complete lie, he did talk to her.

“And…….what did she say?”

“She said she was sorry.”  Still the truth.

There was a pause as she waited for him to continue.  Finally she prompted, “And what else?  Did she tell you what happened with Roy?”

“She said they broke up.”

Jane paused, “Okay this all sounds promising.”

“Yeah right.”  He couldn’t suppress a bitter chuckle at how un-promising this whole situation had become.

 “Why do you sound like someone just ran over your cat?”

“I don’t have a cat.”

“Jim!  You know what I mean!  What aren’t you telling me?”

“Nothing.  Look it was fine I talked to her, it’s over.  Enough said.”  He sounded angry, hardly hiding that there was so much more to this story.

“Don’t make me come over there and ply you with alcohol to get the truth.”

“I’m about a foot taller than you. I don’t see you plying me with anything.”

“Whatever I’m scrappy.  Spill it.”

Jim let out a long sigh and started almost mumbling, “I sort of….wasn’t very nice to her. To Pam.”

“Okay,” she drew out the word as if she didn’t understand what he was saying, “I need details.”

“I had planned to talk to her like we discussed, but she started talking to me about Roy.  I just didn’t want to hear it anymore.  Why even try to put myself out there if she’s just gonna keep going back to him?  And what’s worse, it was like she wanted me to make her feel better about the whole thing.  Seriously, I’m the one he tried to kill.  I pretty much let her know that I just didn’t care about her and Roy, well about her really.”

Jane was silent on the other end and it made Jim nervous.  He felt like he was five waiting for his mother to dole out a punishment for throwing the football in the house.  What was it going to be, no TV?  No dessert?

“Why on earth would you act like that?”

Jim felt himself getting defensive.  “I don’t know.  I mean she almost got me beaten up, and she keeps going back to that asshole, and……

“She keeps not choosing you?”

“Jane, that’s not it.”

“Yeah it really is Jim.”  Her voice was serious and certain.

“Well I have a right to be pissed off I think.  I mean all those years….she broke my heart Jane!”

“Forgive me if I don’t feel really sorry for you here, I mean you have me to talk to, and Mark, and your parents. You have Karen to do….whatever it is you do with Karen.  Who does Pam have?”

There was her punishment, the emotional sucker-punch.  Jim sank back in his couch not really wanting to continue this line of thought.

“What do you mean?”  Jim said very quietly, as if he were afraid to ask.

“I mean that you were her best friend.  Now you’re avoiding her because she didn’t give you what you wanted when you wanted it.  She doesn’t have Roy, probably also because of you.  I bet she lost of a lot of friends because of leaving Roy.  I just suspect she hasn’t had anyone to talk to.  Sounds to me like she’s feeling pretty down and wanted to talk to you.”

She paused letting her words sink in, then she added rather curtly, “You’re being a real jerk, you know that?”

“I’m beginning to see that.”

“You have to decide if you love her enough to try to be her friend.  I know that’s not what you want, but I think you have to decide how much you want to be a part of her life.  And then, see what happens.”

“I can’t be her shoulder to cry on about Roy Jane.  I can’t do it, I’m not strong enough any more.”

“Here’s the thing Jim, sometimes being in love means doing things you don’t want to do for the other person.  For me, it means dealing with Southpark and carting my drunk-ass boyfriend around when he and his paper salesman friend get hammered on car bombs.  For you, right now, it means just being her friend.  And I think you’re selling yourself short, you are strong enough to do this.”

“Maybe.  Maybe I don’t even want to try anymore.” 

“Well you can give up if you want, no one would blame you.  But you should know, if you do, you really will lose her forever.”

“I don’t want that to happen.”  He felt drained by the very idea of not having Pam in his life.

“I know.”

“I’ll think about being her friend again.”  He said the word friend as if he hated it, spitting it out harshly.

“Ok, and Jim?”

“Yeah?”

“We’re here if you need us.”

“Thanks.”  He paused, the warmth in his voice returning telling her that he really was grateful for her concern.   “Tell Mark maybe we could watch the game on Thursday, it’s the Mets.”

“I’ll pass it along.  Take it easy ok?”

“Yeah.  Goodnight.”

Jim put his cell phone down next to him and stretched his arms over head.   He was tired of this whole Pam drama; and part of him really did want to hurt her as badly as she had hurt him, over and over.  When she went back to Roy, Jim thought that the pain might kill him.  But, his heart started to thaw immediately as he pictured his darling friend again and again crying alone with no one to comfort her.  What kind of an ass leaves his best friend in the world, the woman he loves, alone when she’s going through the worst time of her life.

The kitchen timer brought him out of the sea of thoughts he was lost in.  As he got up he started thinking about whether he really could just be Pam’s friend. And if he could, how would he get her to forgive him. 

Disclaimer:  I don't own the Office or the characters depicted herein and I don't intend to profit from this work.  I also don't own Hooters (thankfully), AA (does anyone?), Weight Watchers (I probably should), or Starbucks (I wish).

It was on a Friday when Jim came into the kitchen to find Pam sitting at the break room table, once again trying her best to ignore him.  As he fed his change into the vending machine, he caught her looking at him in the glass.  For a moment, they looked at each other, both a little frightened and unsure.  But it was just for a moment.  As Jim turned to talk to her, she got up and walked out, replaced instead by Kelly and her People magazine.  Unfortunately, the “hey” was out of his mouth before he saw who he was actually greeting.

“Hey Jim.  How are you?  Are you ok since Roy tried to kill you?  Wasn’t that just unbelievable?” 

Jim stared at her blankly, as usual with Kelly he had no idea which question to answer or whether she expected an answer at all.  “I’m dealing thanks,” was all Jim could get out as he started to make for the door.

Kelly looked down at her magazine and said, “I can’t believe he did that, he was so nice to Pam all summer, you know after the drunk driving thing.”

Jim froze in the doorway with his back to Kelly, a wide smile breaking across his face.  This was perfect, Kelly had no ability to keep a secret and she was here while he was gone.  Hearing more about Pam would at least make him feel closer to her.  Besides he felt like he owed it to her to know what she went through.   He knew Kelly would tell him what he needed to know.

He backed up as if he was on slow rewind and then looked down at Kelly with a grin.  “Would you like a soda Kelly?”

“Why?”

“No reason, we just haven’t really caught up in a long time.  I’m way out of the loop on office gossip and I thought maybe we could take a few minutes to catch up.”  Jim pulled up a chair and sat down next to her.  She smiled widely.

“Diet Coke.” 

The fifteen minute break stretched into thirty as Jim heard all about Ryan and Kelly’s ‘summer of love’ and how hot Ryan looked in a bathing suit, Oscar being fabulously gay, Dwight and his antics to train Ryan, Michael ruining Kelly’s big party by proposing to Carol (although Kelly did admit she thought it was very romantic), something about a bird funeral, and many other incomprehensible topics.  Although he desperately wanted to steer the conversation to Pam, he didn’t want to be too obvious.  Finally she got there on her own.

“Let’s see, Pam and Roy broke up, but I guess you know that.  Poor Pam, she was totally sad of course, I can’t image if Ryan and I broke up.”  She paused.  Jim figured she was lost in thought about Ryan so he cleared his throat.

“She seems to be doing ok now.”

“Well yeah, but you weren’t here Jim, it was pretty bad.  Did you know that she had to eat the food from her reception everyday for lunch for 5 weeks!  Can you imagine?  I would totally become bulimic.  Roy was so adorable and would come up here everyday and be all like ‘chicken or fish’?  Course he was totally gross when they were together, but then after she dumped him he like joined Weight Watchers or AA or something and lost weight and was totally attentive and would try to get back together with Pam all the time.  I don’t know why she didn’t actually, I totally would have gotten back with him, Ryan would never pursue me like that.  Well, he kinda would but you know…..you know right Jim?”

“Huh? Oh yeah.  Wonder why she didn’t, go back to him?”  Jim tried to keep a completely disinterested tone in his voice, while his heart was anything but disinterested. 

“Who knows with Pam?  She’s hard to figure out you know?  I mean I set her up with this amazingly cute guy and she said they just didn’t click, but he was an artist of course they clicked.  And she bought all these awesome new sexy clothes and she doesn’t even wear them.  If I had her body I would totally wear cuter clothes.  She’s just like that girl in that Freddie Prinze, Jr. movie, the one where they make the dorky girl over and she’s totally hot?  Oooh she was an artist too, how funny.  Aaaannnnywaaay,  it’s hard for me to spend a lot of time with her what with Ryan and all.”

Jim tried to keep up with her, but his mind felt like it was on tape delay.  He struggled to know how he should respond.  “Yeah, who does she hang out with these days?”

“Since you guys aren’t really friends now?”  Jim hated to think that the whole office knew that they weren’t getting along.  But then again, he knew that the difference in their relationship was noticeable.  “I don’t know.  Ryan says she used to stare at him all day, which would make me really mad, but Pam wouldn’t try to take my Ryan.  Maybe she just thought he was cute, which he is.  She hangs out with Angela sometimes.  I’m not sure she’s talking to Phyllis since she like stole her wedding.”

“Stole her wedding?”  Jim laughed a little at the thought of someone stealing a wedding.

“Oh yeah like the whole thing was Pam’s wedding.  The flowers, the band, the dress, the invitations.  Carbon copy.  She was telling me about it at the reception.  I have no idea how she didn’t just freak out.  That had to be rough you know?”

“Interesting.”  Jim furrowed his brow trying to work out in his mind that Pam had had to attend her own called-off wedding.

“Well I would have freaked. Course she did go home with Roy, but I would have done the same.  I mean, if I didn’t have Ryan, I would have gone home with anyone, like Toby even, to avoid being alone after a day like that.”

“Yeah, I bet that was really hard.”  Jim hoped that she didn’t notice his voice fail him.

“Yeah, oh my gosh, I have to get back to my desk.  I wonder if Ryan missed me?  We should totally double date some time wouldn’t that be fun!”

“Sure.”

Jim walked back to his desk looking at Pam the whole time.  He was embarrassed to admit that he never really thought about how things had been for Pam.  Of course it was hard, but he kept thinking that it couldn’t be worse than what he had been going through.  As it turns out, it was clearly worse.  He also had to admit to himself that maybe he didn’t know everything about her after all.    

He decided that he was going to take Jane’s advice and try to really be her friend; he wouldn’t let his frustration destroy their entire relationship.  Instead of sitting down at his desk, he walked straight for the reception desk where he leaned expectantly waiting for her to look up.

“No messages.”  Was all she said, without looking up at him.

“Pam?”

“Candy’s in the dish.”  Her voice trembled but she continued to stare at her monitor.

He leaned in to her and touched her shoulder, “Pam?”

She turned to him, eyes fearful, clearly afraid of what he would say next.  The idea that Pam would ever be afraid of him, afraid he would hurt her again, shattered Jim.   He took a deep breath and tried to keep his next few words light.  He put his hand back on the counter to give her space.

“Do you wanna get a drink or something after work today?”

She looked confused.  He smiled warmly at her and said “Seriously Beesly, I’ve had the worst week, I just thought maybe you’d like to get a beer or something.”

She blinked hard as if she was trying to see right into his brain to figure out what he was thinking, “Um, you’ve had a bad week?”  The sarcasm in her voice surprised Jim.

He decided he would keep trying, and he leaned back in so no one could hear the next part, “Yeah, I was the biggest ass to my best friend this week.  I was hoping you could help me work out what to do to make up for that.”

She still looked frozen for a moment, but said very seriously, “Mean to Kevin were you?”

Hearing the edge to her voice, he knew she was mad at him.  Really mad.  “Come on Beesly, help me out here.  I’m really sorry, let me buy you a big margarita or a new car or something.”

She scrunched up her nose a little as if she were pondering what she would ask for, “Won’t Karen be expecting you to go out with her?”

His face fell a moment realizing that he hadn’t even thought about that, but then he remembered she was going out of town tonight. “She’s going up to New York this weekend – visiting friends I think. So how about it?”

“We couldn’t possibly.” 

His face fell.  He was getting a little desperate thinking maybe he really had ruined everything with her.  “Pam.”  His voice was more pleading that he had intended.

She held his gaze for a moment like she was trying to decide what to do.  She flashed a tentative but sad smile at him saying, “I mean I was already banned from Chili’s and I’m pretty sure I’m not welcome at Poor Richards now.  I’m not sure we can physically go into a bar to get a drink.” 

He knew he could fix this if she was willing to open the door just a little to him.  “Hmmmmmm, there’s always Hooters.”

“Jim. Don’t even kid about that.”  Slowly they were finding their rhythm again.

“Ok, so how about Starbucks? Let’s see if we can get you banned from there.”

Pam didn’t answer him and he tried to calm his nerves in anticipation that she may just say no.  “Okay that sounds good.”

“Great.”

Jim’s heart was racing as he walked back to his desk.  The very idea of being alone with her seemed so exciting.  He knew he was in trouble, he could never really be just her friend.  But he would try, if that’s what she wanted.  And besides it was better to have her in his life as a friend than to lose her forever.

Chapter 5 - Coffee Tea or Me?

Jim ran home and ditched his work clothes for khakis and a blue button up with a grey fleece vest. Even with his stop, he still got to Starbucks embarrassingly early.  He was nervous and tried to take a few moments in his car to calm down.  He sat there scrolling through his playlist looking for something inspirational, when he was startled by a taping on his window.  He looked up to see Pam smiling down at him tentatively, apparently she was also early.

He unplugged the ipod and got out of the car, noting that she had also changed before she came.  He had never seen her look like this, her hair was loose around her shoulders and she was wearing jeans and a light blue sweater.  She looked absolutely beautiful. 

He let her walk in front of him slightly as they approached the coffee shop taking in her image completely.  He hated to admit that he was comparing the two women in his life, but there was something about Pam that was so different than Karen, a softness that just allowed Jim to let go and be himself no matter what.  He never had that with Karen.  He felt himself relax leaving behind the suits, the paper, the tuna, the bottled water, the whole new Jim Halpert image. He smiled as he held the door open for Pam.  He hated the tension that was between them and for a split second he panicked thinking that maybe they wouldn’t be able to do this, to be just friends again.  Maybe he wasn’t strong enough to do this after all.

Pam looked back at him and suddenly said breaking his train of thought, “Doesn’t it make you laugh that we have a Starbucks in Scranton?  It just feels like it is way too hip for this town.” 

“Yeah I feel a little unworthy to walk in the door actually.”  Jim smirked at her with a sidelong glance, relieved that underneath it all, their relationship, whatever it was, was still there.  “Of course if we weren’t banned from all other reputable establishments……”

“Shut it, Halpert.”

He looked at his shoes to hide the enormous grin that erupted on his face.  They looked at each other for a moment as if taking stock that this was them, this was real.  He held out his hand in front of him suggesting that she step up to the counter first, “Ladies first, Beesly.”

Once they had ordered, they settled into a booth at the far end of the store.  A heavy silence settled in between them, and they both found it hard to look the other in the eye.  Jim watched her as she wound a curl around her finger.  He wondered if that was a nervous habit of hers that he had just never seen in the office before.  Of course they really only spent 40 hours a week together; there were bound to be things that he didn’t know about her.  Yet, he had always assumed he knew everything there was to know about Pam Beesly.

He finally decided to just dive into the deep end, “Pam, I’m not really sure where to start.  I feel like we have a lot to catch up on.”

“Yeah.  I was just thinking that I had no idea you owned a fleece vest.”

“Um, is that bad?”

“No, it’s just funny, no big deal.”  She smirked like there was more to the story.  She obviously tried to contain her smile as she said, “So, you were saying you were mean to your friend this week?”

He made a mental note to find out what the big deal about the fleece was and continued, “Yep, I was a serious jerk to Dwight.”

Pam’s face took on a very serious aspect, “Dwight’s your best friend?”

“Of course, isn’t he everyone’s best friend?”

They held their laughter for a split second before they both couldn’t hold back any more and burst out laughing.  The laughter felt good, it felt normal and it relieved some of the tension in the air. 

“Seriously Pam, I’m sorry for being such a jerk about Roy.”

He said it fast, while they were both still trying to stop laughing about Dwight.  Pam’s laughter started to fade as she intently looked into Jim’s eyes.  His breath caught in his throat for a moment and he ended up breaking eye contact with her for fear that the emotion would suffocate him.

“I suppose you had your reasons.”  She started to shred her napkin nervously and looked away from their table to the window, avoiding his eyes. Taking a deep breath she started again, “I just don’t know when my life turned into such a mess.”

Pam looked fragile and frightened and he was afraid if he breathed too hard she would shatter in front of him.  He wasn’t sure what he wanted to say next, how much he wanted to say. 

“Your life is not a mess.”

“Sure feels like it.” 

Jim was always amazed how she looked like such a little girl in her more vulnerable moments.  For a moment he thought that if he had a daughter, he hoped that she would have Pam’s mannerisms, her innocent face, her eyes.  Then of course his mind slipped into thinking about how he could get children that looked like Pam.  He shook his head realizing that thoughts like that would not help him stay friends with Pam.  He repeated it in his head, ‘just friends’ ‘just friends’ ‘Karen’s your girlfriend, Karen’.  He cleared his throat but his voice still broke a little as he spoke again.

“Why do you think that?  That your life is a mess?”  He didn’t want to push her, but they had to get past this, avoiding saying what needed to be said is what got them in trouble in the first place.

“Well let’s see. I’m a receptionist in failing paper company with a completely deranged boss.  I’m the worst art student in my class, and the terrible part is that I’m not even sure that I care any more.  Everything’s just really so much harder than I thought it would be.”

He hated when she gave up on herself and cringed at her hopeless attitude.  He always thought she would stop doing this once Roy was out of the picture, but apparently this was part of her personality.  “Pam it’s hard to chase a dream, it takes hard work, just look at Kevin and ‘Scrantonicity’.  You have to keep trying.”

She rolled her eyes at him and looked away again; Jim was totally confused.  He really had never seen a side of Pam that doubted his advice.  Before they would fight and disagree, but he could always tell by the look on her face that she was considering what he had said.  Now she had this look that told him he just didn’t understand. She looked down and shook her head, laughing sadly to herself.

“Beesly, what?”

“Nothing ………just it’s really easy for you to say.  You’re not …..chasing your dreams.”

He didn’t really expect her to lay him bare like that, in one fell swoop.  He stared into his coffee wishing it were something stronger.  Looking at her again, her sadness was written all over her face.  She said softly, “I’m sorry.  I guess I’m having a hard time figuring out how to act with you.”

“Me too.” 

“I feel like we’ve been so mad at each other, for so long.” 

“Pam, I just….. I think that we haven’t been friends, real friends in a long time.  Maybe ever.  But, ….. that’s my fault.” He looked away from her afraid to see the effect of his confession, he added almost under his breath, “I’ve missed you.”

The way she stiffened and continued to wring what was left of the napkin suggested that that she was uncomfortable with his answer.  He tried to read her face, but he couldn’t tell if she looked relieved or sad or physically ill.  He held his breath waiting for her response.

“I’ve missed you too.”

Jim exhaled and felt like he could do a happy dance.  His excitement was lessened by the tears in her eyes and he handed her his napkin since hers was now a pile of paper strips. 

“Ok so let’s just talk.  Like…before.”  He said the word carefully.

Her brow furrowed, and she looked down almost looking disappointed.  Jim assumed that the memories of what had passed between them were painful for her.  She exhaled and said, “Ok, I’ll try.”

“By the way, it may be hard, and I don’t know what it feels like to go through what you have, but you’ve been so brave.  I’m really proud of you.”

She laughed again under her breath like he didn’t know what he was saying. 

“Pam?”  His voice was encouraging, he didn’t want her to feel like she needed to hide anything from him, he wanted to know it all, he wanted to help her deal with all this.

“Courage and honesty are not my strong points.”  She said it mechanically like she was mimicking someone.

“Ok, I’m not following you.  Breaking off your relationship with Roy was incredibly brave.  Taking that art class that’s awesome; trying to do something you’ve always wanted to do, that’s scary and you’re doing it.  And most of all, brave is sitting through a wedding that was a carbon copy of your own.”  He crooked an eyebrow at her on the last one, knowing that would get her attention.

She wiped a tear that ran down her cheek and laughed a little.  “Who told you about that?”

“Oh you know Kelly, can’t keep her mouth shut.”  He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, desperately wanting to change sides of the booth and put his arms around her until she stopped crying.  He was actually fighting the urge to take her into his arms and kiss her tears away, but he knew that was his own selfish desire again.  He hated himself that no matter what he couldn’t get past loving her, wanting her.  But he had to try to focus on what she wanted. 

“Yeah that was…..,”  Pam paused as if she couldn’t find the right word, “something.”

“I bet.”

“What a disaster that night was.”  She said as he buried her head in her hands.  “I went home with Roy, I don’t even, …..I don’t know why.  I guess was just so ….lonely. I screwed up his life, again.”  She said the last part with a deep breath like the very idea of what happened with Roy wore her out.  Jim could tell by her breathing that she was really crying now.  He couldn’t believe that he had left her alone to deal with all this.

He got up and went to her side of the booth.  “Scoot over.”

She looked up at him, her eyes shining with tears unshed, her cheeks wet with the tears that she couldn’t hold in anymore.  She slid over and stared straight ahead.  Jim sat down and put his arm on her shoulders.  “I’m sorry, Pam.  I…,  I should have been here.  But we can still be friends right?  I want…..I want to help.”

He thought he saw her face take on a pained expression as he talked, that had to be about Roy.  But it all seemed oddly familiar to him, like the million disappointed looks he would give her when she called him her friend.  She exhaled and crumbled into his arms, crying as if she had been holding in all the pain from the last year and was finally letting it burst forth like opening a dam.  She clutched his fleece in her hands and sobbed silently into his chest, the pain too intense to produce any noise.  Jim held her tightly as he closed his eyes imaging all his love and strength pouring into her body. 

Feeling her crying slack off slightly, he dipped his head to try to get her to look at him.  “Better?”  His heart was simultaneously racing at her proximity and breaking at her not being his, but he summoned all his courage to not let it show.

She bit her lip and slowly nodded her head. 

“Course you know now you can’t come in here now either - you’re the crying chick.   You know this right?”

She started laughing very quietly.  “Wow, yeah, hadn’t thought of that.”  She sniffled and straightened up, wiping her fingers across her cheeks to dry the tears. 

“Honestly Beesly, I can’t take you anywhere.”  Jim’s mind reeled at the fact that where he wanted to take her was a much more private location.

“Sorry I ruined your evening.”

“Not at all, crying girls are my best thing.”  He wanted to say ‘Ask Karen’, but he decided not to.  “Hey, feel like a movie or something?”

“Um, I don’t know.  Don’t you need to be somewhere?”

“I’m thinking I need to be right here,” he smiled, “but I refuse to see a chick flick.”

Pam exhaled heavily like she had never felt so relieved, “That sounds really nice.”

Jim kept his arm around her shoulders as they walked out of the coffee shop; Pam leaned into him as if he were literally holding her up.  Jim made a mental note to call Jane, she would be very proud of him.  And he frankly was going to need advice about what to do now that he had clearly let Pam back into his heart.

Disclaimer:  I don't own these characters or the Office and I do not intend to profit from this posting.  no copyright infringement intended. 

Chapter 6

I Just Had the Most Amazing Non-Date

If the earth was still under Jim Halpert’s feet, he certainly couldn’t feel it as he walked into his apartment Friday night.  Tonight, he went on quite possibly the best date in his life, and once again it was with Pam Beesly.  And once again, it wasn’t actually a date. He still felt butterflies in his stomach and he had this nervous energy that he hadn’t felt in months.  Actually, he knew exactly the last time he felt this way - Oscar’s Party, and then it was only for a moment.

He threw his keys on the little table by the door and headed into the living room grabbing a beer on the way there.  He sat on the couch and let his head rest on the back cushions as he replayed the night in his head. 

He and Pam had discussed it and decided to drive to the movie theater together.  On the ride over, she stole his ipod and scrolled through the songs. He silently thanked God that he had deleted the Pam playlist when he started seeing Karen.  He was certain that Pam would be embarrassed to know that he collected angsty love songs just because of her.  He couldn't help but smile at the way her face lit up when she got to an older playlist and recognized a few familiar songs.

They had seen Blades of Glory because it looked funny and Pam said she liked Will Ferrell. He honestly couldn’t remember anything about the plot or if it was even good.  He only remembered the sound of her laughter and the feel of her fingers on his when they both reached into the popcorn at the same time.  He felt like he was in high school, secretly hoping throughout the movie that she would put her head on his shoulder.  Of course she didn’t, this night was about being friends, but he still had the foolish hope that she would.  His mind wandered several times during the movie, wondering what she would do if he just leaned over and kissed her.  Even more simple, if he held her hand would she pull away? 

He was startled out of his thoughts by his cell phone; the screen broke the news that it was Karen. He instantly felt a little guilty about his non-date with Pam and sat straight up on the couch as if at full attention.

“Hi.”  He tried to sound casual. 

“Hi there, what’s going on?”

“Oh nothing, I just got in, I went to see a movie….” He hesitated trying to decide whether he should tell her it was with Pam.  If he said it, he’d probably have to endure more relationship talks with Karen, but if he didn’t then he was clearly deceiving her, and he sincerely hoped he wasn’t turning into that kind of guy. “…I went with Pam; she was really having a bad night.  We just hung out for a while.”

He literally flinched a little, waiting for the sigh, or the coldness in Karen’s voice telling him she was hurt or angry.  But oddly it didn’t come.  He sat still for a moment, brow furrowed, thinking his cell phone must have dropped the call like on those commercials.  “Oh that’s cool.  Was the movie good?”

“Yeah, it …..was.”  He was confused, had she even heard him?  It didn’t sound like she was really listening to him.  Karen was never this understanding when it came to Pam.

“Great, look I’ll be back on Sunday, let’s have brunch okay?”

“Sure, ….that will be great.”

“I have a lot to tell you about my trip up here.”  She seemed to be hiding something from him, but he had no idea what it could be.  He could hear talking in the background, like she was in a loud place, and she seemed to be cutting in and out like she was putting her hand over the phone.

“Well, ok, so call me when you get back and we’ll hang out.”  He instinctively said it louder as if demanding her attention.

She laughed, but he didn’t quite know why.  He really couldn’t even tell if she was laughing at him or someone else, “Ok, sounds good.  Good night.”

“Night, Karen.”

Jim let his hand fall down next to his body, again losing himself in his thoughts.  Something was definitely not right with Karen, he knew her better than to think that she’d let this whole non date with Pam thing go so easily.  

He had to decide what his intentions were with Karen, and with Pam.  He never really intended for his relationship with Karen to be a long term thing.  But, it was so much easier going with the flow, staying with her; and she did have a lot of good qualities.   Karen had been there for him over the last year, and she seemed to want to be with him, seemed to want a future with him.  She was smart, and beautiful, and the last few months he had really started to be happy with her. But did any of that really matter if he knew for a fact that he was still in love with Pam. 

He stretched out on his couch again, head propped on his arm.  Tonight had been so amazing, but he knew he couldn’t just hang out with Pam without desperately wanting more.  And if she didn’t want more, wasn’t he just setting himself up for more disappointment?  Did he even care if it meant being near her again?  And what if Pam really did love him?  What if Jane was right?  What if he hadn’t misinterpreted anything?

He moved to turn on the tv when his cell phone rang again.  He smiled at the display screen this time, “Hi Jane.”

“Hey, sorry I missed the baseball game last night, Mark said you had fun. Good game?”

“Yeah the Phillies might not be so bad this year after all.”

“And thanks for returning my boyfriend without alcohol poisoning for a change.”

“Not a problem.  So what can I do for you?”  He knew exactly what she wanted since Mark had mentioned she was continually prodding for information about whether Jim had started talking to Pam again.

“Well, obviously, Mark is useless at getting any good information out of you.  I asked him about how things were with you and he gave me the ERA of last night’s pitcher and informed me that Stella was the import special last night.”

“Yep that’s about it, it was a good night.”

“Jim, so help me, I’m dying over here, what’s happening with Pam?”

He shifted back to an upright position and started to peel the label off his beer.  He loved stringing Jane along like this, it was all too easy to rile her up.  She reminded him a little of Pam and he couldn’t help but think that the two of them would be fast friends if they ever met.  “Oh you know, the usual.”

“Seriously, if you don’t tell me something of value here in the next 5 seconds, I’m calling her and asking.”

“Whatever, you couldn’t possibly.”

“Dunder Mifflin this is Pam…..Pam, Hi my name is Jane and I just wanted let you to know that Jim still loves you.  And when he drinks he talks about it, so take him to a bar and ask why don’t you?  And by the way he has this freaky fantasy about the reception desk and jelly beans….”

Jim cut her off, “Alright, alright.  I’ll tell you.”

“Knew you would.”  Her snugness at winning as usual came right through the phone.

“I took her out for coffee and we talked.  Then we went to the movies since we didn’t have anywhere else to be.  I’m trying to be friends with her like you said.  And truthfully I had a nice time with her.”

“That is so half the story.” 

“It’s the whole story. It was great to talk to her again.”  He paused on the word great a little too long to be nonchalant.

“Like on a scale of 1 to 10?”

“It was really great.”

“Jim?!?”

He mumbled as if he didn’t want anyone to hear, “Like a 100, ok?  On a scale of 1 to 10, it was a 100.”

“Awesome.  So, where to from here?”

“Well, I’m still with Karen, and Pam and I are apparently just friends, so……..”

“So what if Pam wants more?”  Her voice trailed up to a high pitch.

He sighed, “She doesn’t.  She’s broken up about Roy not me.  She cried on ME about HIM.”

“We’ll see.  Give her a chance.”

Jim shook his head, Jane the eternal optimist.  “What are you getting me into?  Do you want me to pine away for her forever?”

“No, I want you live happily ever after.  And I’m not pushing you anywhere that you don’t want to be Jim Halpert.  Just giving you permission to want her again.”

“Mission accomplished.  So, how are you about advice on other women?”

“Meaning?”

“What should I do about Karen?”

“Jim, you don’t need any advice on that, you know what to do.”

“You’re such a help.”

“I am in fact.  Ask my boyfriend.”

“Goodnight Jane.”

“You better keep me posted.  I will call Pam……”

“Goodnight.”  He said more forcefully.

“Night Jim.”

Disclaimer: I do not own the Office or the characters mentioned herein. I do not intend to profit from the submission and no copyright infringement is intended. Of course, if Greg wants to loan me his characters I know exactly how next Thursday will go...

Jim had spent most of the weekend trying to unravel the tangle of emotions in his mind. He knew, now more than ever, that he loved Pam, but he also knew that he was right back where he started with her all those years ago. Except one thing was different; she wasn’t with Roy anymore. He still didn’t know if that meant that he had any chance with her, but Jane seemed more than confident that he did. Of course, Jane had been known to leave her debit card in the ATM machine, so maybe she wasn’t the most reliable source.

When Sunday finally rolled around he was excited to see Karen. She represented something normal in his life. He always knew where he stood with her and things were much easier with her these days. She had called early and asked him to meet her at a diner for brunch. He had gotten there first and was seated in a booth with a cup of coffee when she arrived. She always looked very put together, even on the weekends. Her casual black pants and white top looked very business like and were in sharp contrast to Jim’s jeans and a t-shirt.

“Hey, you look nice this morning.” Jim got up and gave her a hug, but she seemed to stiffen in his arms. He thought that something was clearly not right with her, but he assumed she was mad about his night out with Pam. He would apologize over their food.

“I just got back. You know I always try to look nice when I’m traveling, just in case.”

‘In case of what?’ was all Jim could think, but then again, he was clearly the slouch in this relationship. “Oh …yeah, did you have a good trip?”

“Uh-huh. New York is so amazing, I keep forgetting that.” She had a faraway look on her face, like she was remembering something or someone special. She turned from him to order coffee.

“Want to order food?” Jim handed her a menu.

“Not really,” she paused, “We…, well, we need to talk about something.”

If there ever were a more clichéd phrase than “we need to talk” Jim couldn’t think of it, unless it was “we’ll always be friends”. Jim put down the menu suspecting that in about five seconds he wasn’t going to have much of an appetite. He started to open his mouth to ask what she wanted to talk about, but she beat him to the punch.

“I was in New York interviewing for a new job.” Karen had a way of cutting right to the point. Jim wondered if he was supposed to know that she was interviewing. Did she tell him and he forgot?

“Ok-ay.” Jim said it slow hoping this would make more sense to him in a minute.

“A friend of mine works with this publishing company, and he set up an interview for me in their public relations department. It’s a major step up.” She said all of this quickly, like ripping off a band-aid.

“I,…uh…” he let out a quick breath that sounded almost like laughter, except it was purely out of frustration, “I didn’t know you were looking for a new job. I thought you were happy with Dunder-Mifflin.” Jim knew that was a ridiculous thought before he even said it, but he was stunned. He had not seen this coming at all. He had expected to be the one dumping her at some point, although he had not worked up the courage to do so yet.

“Jim, there’s just…no future here for me. You know that.” She said it mechanically like she had practiced this speech.

She had already made up her mind. He couldn’t help but feel a little angry at this sudden shift, though in a more rational moment he would feel relieved. His voice had a sharp edge to it, “Ok, so you’re taking it.”

“Yes, I am.”

“So…wow Karen. I mean… what does that mean for …us?” He couldn’t quite get the whole sentence out. He had no idea what he was feeling in this moment, in fact he was experiencing so many emotions that they all just short circuited leaving him feeling numb.

She sighed and looked down into her coffee. “Is there really an ‘us’ to be worried about?”

“Well, …yes” He wasn’t sure why he said it when he was contemplating breaking up with her just yesterday. But somehow he wasn’t ready to admit that all this had been a mistake. He wasn’t ready to be alone again. She made him feel needed and loved, and when she looked at him he could forget the mistakes he had made with Pam. Besides, fighting to stay with Karen had become sort of second nature to him. He didn’t know how to walk away after trying so hard to stay.

“Jim, tell me you want to leave Dunder Mifflin, that you want to move up the corporate ladder. Tell me you have a single goal for next week other than pranking Dwight…..”

He lowered his eyes like he was being scolded by his second grade teacher. He couldn’t believe this, he was getting dumped in a diner. He would have least dumped her in a private place.

She cleared her throat, “Jim, I did move here to be with you, and I do…care…about you. But I’ve realized, this just can’t be my life, I…” She searched for the words, “I don’t want to sell paper in a dead end job in a nowhere town. I don’t want to feel like I’m the only one in this relationship that wants to succeed. And I don’t want to have to constantly feel like..” She stopped short as if she were holding back tears, “I don’t want to feel like I’m struggling to keep your affection anymore.” She took a heavy breath and sniffled into her napkin. The façade had started to crumble, but as usual she pulled herself together quickly. “I deserve…I want…” she struggled again to find the right words, “I want more than that.”

Jim narrowed his eyes, hearing his own words being thrown back at him. He was ashamed to say that he felt tears pricking at his own eyes. He didn’t know if they were tears of sadness or anger or humiliation or relief, but his answer for Karen was obvious. He smiled sadly at the irony as he carefully said, “I can’t.”

She looked up at him with a strange calm settling over her features, “I know.”

They sat in silence for a while, drinking coffee and trying to figure out how to leave the table, and their relationship, behind. Karen didn’t say anything else about New York and Jim didn’t ask. Jim picked up the check; somehow it seemed the right thing to do after everything they had been through.

They got up and walked out together, so close but already miles apart emotionally. Jim was amazed at the emptiness he felt standing in the parking lot with Karen, as opposed to the excitement he felt last night with Pam. He felt like such a jerk; he had done everything wrong with Karen, and with Pam.

He drove home in a daze. He desperately wanted to call Pam, to ask her to pick up the pieces of his life, but he didn’t want to selfishly unload everything on her when she seemed to be so upset about Roy. Besides, thinking back on it, he had never really talked to Pam about things like this, even before. There had always been topics that were mentioned in vague terms, that you never confronted head on. He didn’t tell her exactly what he thought about Roy; she didn’t ask about Katy; they only talked once about Karen, and that was an awkward conversation. There were rules about how much they shared, and he had always followed them, except for that one time. Pam had shared so much more on Friday than ever before, but that didn’t mean he was ready to do the same.

Jim slinked home and went for a long run hoping to clear his mind. When that didn’t work he gave up and shut the blinds, spending the rest of his Sunday on the couch, eating left over Chinese, drinking beer and watching ESPN.

Disclaimer: I do not own the office or these characters, and I do not intend to profit from this posting. No copyright infringement intended.

Chapter 8

Jim was tired, hung over and extremely disagreeable by the time he got into the office on Monday. On top of his hangover and thoroughly screwed up love life , he was facing the grim prospect of five straight days of trying to sell paper while dealing with Michael and Dwight. He thought that he would feel better when he got there and settled into his routine, but when he walked in and saw Pam and Karen, he felt so vulnerable that he almost walked right back out the door.

“Suck it up, Halpert,” he said under his breath as he headed to his desk.

“Morning, Jim.” He looked at her like a deer caught in headlights, terrified that she knew about Karen, that she knew how pathetic he felt. “Did you have a good weekend?” Pam’s voice was warm and immediately calmed the panic inside him.

“Hey, it was fine.” He gave her a small smile and kept walking. He thought he played that off well, but he could was sure that she noticed the bags under his eyes. He wanted to tell her that he and Karen were over, but he just wasn’t ready.

He felt like everyone was looking at him, like everyone knew that Karen had dumped him and that he was still in love with Pam even though she didn’t love him back. In reality, it didn’t look like anyone knew that Karen was quitting; the office seemed very normal for a Monday. He decided coffee would help; at least it was a good excuse to hide in the kitchen.

As he walked by, he noticed that Karen had a box by her feet under her desk; apparently she was planning to make a quick exit from Dunder Mifflin. He forced a smile in her direction, trying to maintain an air of normalcy, and she smiled back, a little sadly but genuinely. Jim knew she had to be happy to be getting out of this nuthouse. He wondered when she was going to talk to Toby or to Michael, but he decided to stay out of it.

His cell phone vibrated in his pocket as he poured his coffee, startling him enough to spill some of the hot liquid on his hand. “Perfect. Nice work Jim,” he grumbled as he reached for a towel and his phone.

“Jane, you just scalded me with hot coffee.”

“How did I do that?”

“The phone was in my pocket and it vibrated…”

“Ok, enough information, I don’t want to know anything about vibrations in your pocket.”

Jim tried to keep him sullen demeanor, but he couldn’t help but laugh at her joke. All he could think was ‘that’s what she said.’ He leaned against the counter, sipping his coffee.

“You didn’t call me! What happened with Karen?”

“I thought you only cared about what happened with Pam.” He said her name under his breath so that no one would hear.

“Well, true, but I also care about you stupid. Are you ok? Did you break up with her? Was she mad?”

“Actually, no, no and…no.”

“What?” He put down the coffee and ducked into the men’s room, not wanting the rest of this conversation to be quite so public. He started in a hushed tone.

“No, I’m not ok; no, I didn’t break up with her, she broke up with me; and no, she didn’t seem mad about it.” His voice was just a whisper, but he said every word harshly with all the frustration he had kept inside over the last few hours seeping through each syllable. Jane had a way of making Jim face feelings that he would rather tuck away in the back corner of his mind. He was not ready to deal with his break up with Karen and what that meant, especially what that meant for him and Pam.

There was a long pause, as if Jane had to write it all down to figure out what he just said.

“She… broke up…with you.”

“Yep.”

“That bitch.” Jane sounded like a protective older sister.

“What?”

“Seriously who dumps Jim Halpert?!?”

“Well …I probably deserved it.”

“Hmm, maybe. I’m sorry sweetie. But look at it this way, she saved you the trouble.”

“It doesn’t really feel that way. Feels like I’m the biggest idiot in the world.”

“Did you tell Pam?”

“Jane, enough.” He was getting so tired of her goading; he needed to figure out what to do next and he planned to take his time. “I just got dumped by my girlfriend. What am I supposed to do, go ask Pam to save me from my misery, to get me over Karen? That will go over well. ‘Hi, I’ve been a jerk, but I just got dumped; maybe you’d like to feel like my second choice even though you’re really my first choice.’”

“Breathe for a minute. I wasn’t saying that you should jump into bed with Pam, though that probably would make you feel better.” She giggled at her own joke, “I’m saying make sure she knows you guys broke up and see what she does.”

“Why? What’s the point?”

“Because if she knows you’re available, twenty bucks she’ll prove to you that she still cares.”

“I can’t tell her. I just …can’t.” The truth was that Jim felt like a moron about the whole situation. His heart couldn’t risk telling her and having her not care; he couldn’t stand to look so pathetic in front of her, again. “Maybe I could later, …but not now.”

“You are so frustrating, it’s like you can’t stand to give yourself the chance to be happy.”

“Thanks, kick me while I’m down.”

There was a pause. Jim knew that Jane was hatching a plan.

“Let me make it up to you. I’ll come take you to lunch.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I want to.”

The idea of getting out of the office was especially appealing today, and it was a bonus that it wasn’t with any of his coworkers. Perhaps he could really get away from it all for an hour.

“Fine, how about 12:30?”

“Great.”

Jim hung up and went back to his desk still nursing the now lukewarm coffee. He tried to avoid making eye contact with anyone and he stuck to his sales calls. He felt like Dwight kept eyeing him suspiciously, probably because Jim didn’t usually work this hard. Well, there was some consolation if his misery made Dwight uncomfortable. The morning passed very slowly, but finally, mercifully, it was almost lunch.

“Jim?” Pam’s voice seemed timid like she was trying not to startle him as she walked from behind to hand him a message.

“Huh, oh thanks.” He stared at the message and felt his cheeks burn hot; he was going to kill Jane. She had apparently called in to let Jim know that she couldn’t make lunch. The message that was scrawled in Pam’s handwriting said, “Something came up and I can’t make lunch. Sorry about your break up with Karen. Hope you feel better.” He flushed with embarrassment and his heart raced. Jane had just stripped every bit of pretense from between him and Pam. How were they supposed to act without that barrier? He waited for her to say something, anything.

He was terrified to look up at Pam, afraid of what he would see on her face. Pity, sadness, apathy? He finally met her gaze and saw a tenderness in her eyes that sent him reeling. She waited a beat and then turned as if she was going to leave, but then she stopped again and turned back to him like she had forgotten something. “Um, Jim?”

“Yeah?”

“Maybe we could go to lunch? I mean, if you wanted to.”

She stood still waiting for his response, but before he could answer she started to babble nervously, “I mean, it would be good to get out of the office, and if you…wanted to, um, talk about anything, I’m …here.”

Pam twisted the corner of her cardigan in her fingers, another nervous habit that Jim had apparently never noticed. In fact, Jim didn’t remember Pam ever being nervous around him before, but now she certainly seemed to be unsure of herself. His heart turned over in his chest; she wanted to help him through this.

He looked down at the note once again. Jane was always pushy when she thought she was right. Normally, Jim would be hatching his revenge plan , but all he could think was Jane just scored him lunch with Pam. And if Pam cared enough to help him through his break up with Karen, that had to be a start of some kind.

“I’d like that. But I’m sure you don’t want to hear about my, um, issues.”

She looked at him making sure to look him in the eyes, “I’d love to hear about your issues, remember, that’s what friends do.”

He smiled shyly away, unsure if that word made him feel better or worse, “That’s true, I guess.”

“Ok, well, I’ll just get my bag if you’re hungry.”

“Yeah, ok, …great. That sounds great.”

Pam offered to drive to the restaurant, which Jim happily accepted because he was feeling kind of exhausted from the emotional roller coaster of the weekend. He felt almost giddy because he had never been in Pam’s car before. He had never actually been in a place that was just hers before. She’d been in his car and his room, but he had never had the pleasure and he secretly delighted in learning the little things that you learn by looking at someone’s personal items.

She had a hairbrush with a ponytail holder wrapped around the handle in her console. He wondered if she put her hair up on the way home at night. Her car was really clean and it still smelled new. He noticed that she had a gym bag in the back; he wondered if she had started working out at night, or maybe it was so she could change before her art class. She also had several dvds from blockbuster on the back seat and a book from the public library. It was all so perfectly Pam. He thought about her watching movies on her couch or reading in bed at night before she went to sleep. As they pulled into the parking lot, he bristled, realizing that he not only had no idea what her apartment looked like, he didn’t even know where it was. How can you love a person without knowing these kinds of things? He felt a twinge of guilt realizing how much he didn’t know about Pam now. He had missed so much over the last year; so much time wasted.

They picked a neutral territory, a new restaurant, and they decided to eat outside because it was a beautiful day. Spring had finally settled over Scranton and the patio attached to the restaurant was surrounded by flowering trees. Each table had its own large red square umbrella and a small vase of cut flowers, giving the whole restaurant a sort of Mediterranean vibe. They were seated at a round table in the corner away from most of the other diners. The table would have easily accommodated four people, but Pam had taken the seat next to Jim, instead of across from him, making it feel oddly intimate.

They had exchanged a few pleasantries since they left the office, but Jim had to admit it was awkward and that was mainly his fault. He didn’t know what to say, or how to say it. This used to be easier before. He was relieved when Pam broke the silence.

“Thanks for Friday, it was so …nice.”

“Like you said, that’s what friends do.”

“Yep. I’m sorry I cried on you.”

“No worries, it’s understandable, I mean you and Roy…”

“Yeah…” she cut him off but then she froze, picking at her salad. She put the fork down and looked up at him with a surprising air of confidence, “So…your turn.”

He smiled to hide his discomfort, “What do you mean?”

“Well, we always talk about Roy. We always talk about my stuff. Your turn.” She said the last part firmly. It wasn’t really an offer as much as a demand.

“That’s not true, you helped me with Karen before.”

“Ok so that was one time as opposed to the million times I complained to you about my life. And it always feels like we’re …not really talking…”

Jim was terrified to open up to Pam: over the last year, it had become unfamiliar and frightening. He had always held back with her, always afraid to show her what he really felt. For a long time, it was obvious why he didn’t; she was with Roy and he was in love with her. But even when he was with Karen, he held back from her, tucked inside his shell. He didn’t want her to know that he still loved her, didn’t want her to see how badly he had used Karen.

But, Jim knew Pam was right. They needed to really talk, and if she wanted to push everything aside and try to start fresh, he would try to do the same.

“Well, ok. Karen broke up with me.”

He exhaled relieved to just say it. Saying it made it real, and not hiding it made it hurt less somehow.

“Yeah. Are you ok?”

“Yeah… yeah, it was a long time coming I think.”

Pam was very quiet. Jim felt they were in new territory, and he didn’t know what to say.

“I’m sorry, I know that sucks.”

“It’s ok.”

Pam took a deep breath and again leveled her stare on him, like she was attempting to will him to explain further. Jim was more than a little uncomfortable being under such scrutiny. He decided to stop thinking and start talking.

“You know what’s funny? I didn’t see it coming, I really didn’t. I knew we had problems, and I knew it would…end, sooner or later. But I don’t know, …I don’t know what I thought.” He hung his head, weary from having analyzed this situation too many times without finding an answer.

“Yeah, it was like that with …Roy. I mean, I knew it wasn’t right, that he wasn’t …right for me, but I still…went…back.” She said the last two words slowly, like she was still trying to figure out why she did that. “I think it was just so…easy…so…”

“Comfortable?”

“Yeah.” She sounded amazed that he knew just how she felt.

“Yeah.” He said it under his breath, moved by the realization that it wouldn’t be so difficult to let her in.

“Alright, so we both suck at relationships huh?”

“It appears that way Beesly.”

They smiled at each other; Pam’s smile was so warm and genuine that Jim wanted to reach over and kiss her. But he fought the urge knowing that was too much, too soon. Instead, he finished the last of his ham and cheese sandwich feeling more complete and normal than he had in a year.

As he got back in Pam’s car, he boldly reached back in her back seat for the movies he spotted earlier.

“Ok let’s see what we have here,” he said, flipping through the three blue and yellow packets. Casino Royale?”

“The new Bond is supposed to be hot, and I’ve heard it’s good.”

Jim raised an eyebrow and smirked, “Okay, Talladega Nights?”

“I think we’ve covered that I love Will Ferrell.”

“Pan’s Labyrinth?”

“A friend of mine from art class said I had to see it. It does look like the effects are amazing.”

“So…” he dragged this part out, he didn’t want to ask her out exactly, as least not yet. But just spending time with her the last few days had been so wonderful. Before, she wasn’t single, they couldn’t just hang out, but now…now they could. “So, have you watched these?”

“That’s my Friday night.” He thought she was blushing but he couldn’t be sure because of the afternoon sunlight hitting her side of the car.

“Wow, looks pretty thrilling.” Should he invite himself over? He had no idea. What would Jane do? She would leave a message for Pam saying ‘Jim wants to hang out, how about Friday’?

“Or pathetic.” She paused and then added very casually, “Wanna be pathetic with me on Friday?”

He forced himself to count to five so that he wouldn’t seem too eager. “Sure, there’s safety in numbers for pathetic people. I can bring the popcorn.”

“And ice cream.”

He smiled at the way her face lit up, “Okay, and ice cream. Although you’re totally pushing it Beesly.”

She smiled and they both ended up laughing over nothing at all. The tension had left them along with all the pretense their old relationship had been built on. He didn’t know if Friday would be two friends watching movies or if it could possibly be an almost date. For the sake of his sanity, he decided not to analyze it and not try so hard to label their relationship. Were they friends; were they more? He didn’t know, but he did know that he loved sitting near her, talking to her, hearing her voice and her laughter. For now, that was enough.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Office or the characters depicted herein (except for Jane). I do not intend to profit from this posting. No copyright infringement is intended.

Jim could not believe how slow time seemed to be crawling, even more than usual for a Friday afternoon. He had tried to ignore his movie night with Pam in order to get through the week, but it was no use. He couldn’t get it out of his mind. He was nervous and he still wasn’t sure whether this was just a friend thing or whether it could be a date. He didn’t want to once again misinterpret her intentions, but all week they had been very friendly with each other. They had eaten lunch together everyday catching up on each other’s lives over the last year. He had tried to not hide anything from her, to be open and honest at all cost, and she seemed to be doing the same. They talked about Roy; they talked about Karen; she heard all about Stamford; he heard all about art class and her new apartment.

Wednesday night they lingered for an hour in the parking lot, neither one wanting to stop talking now that they had reconnected. He finally allowed himself to apologize for leaving her without an explanation. He hadn’t meant to broach such a heavy topic in the parking lot, but it felt oddly appropriate. Much like before, he hadn’t planned it, and she looked shocked that he had said it. It felt like a thousand pound weight being lifted from his chest when she looked at him, with such vulnerability, and explained that she also felt badly and wished she had done a few things differently. He had pulled her into a chaste hug, holding her tightly against his chest. There was no more pain or regret between them, just two people and endless possibility.

And now it was Friday and Jim was anxiously waiting to spend the evening alone with Pam. He had originally intended to get an invitation to her apartment, but as they discussed it in the break room Thursday, Pam suggested that she bring the movies to his place, since he was the assistant regional manager with the big TV. He reluctantly agreed, although he was disappointed that he wouldn’t be able to finally see her in her own surroundings. He had imagined her apartment so many times; he was looking forward to finding out what it really looked like, but that would have to wait.

Of course, he was probably setting himself up for disappointment by getting so excited about this evening; but it had to be a good sign that she intended for them to get through all three movies, no matter how long that took. She had pronounced that it was a universal rule that a movie night meant a movie marathon. This meant she would be in his apartment for at least 6 hours, maybe overnight. Could it get any better?

As the clock finally gave up its fight to prolong the work day and clicked over to five, Jim practically bolted out his chair and headed for the door. Dwight noticed his hasty departure and simply shook his head, continuing to look down at his pile of call sheets. Jim had spent the last few hours trying to decide what he should say to Pam on the way out, unsure of whether he should let her see his excitement or not.

He grabbed his messenger bag and put it across his body, draping his jacket over his arm. He casually leaned over the reception desk and waited for Pam to hang up the phone. He tried to distract her from what had to be the last call of the day by making silly faces to make her laugh. She smirked, trying hard to contain her laughter, and tapped her pencil on the desk impatiently. When she finally hung up, she stood up and smacked Jim hard on the upper arm. “Dork! That was someone from corporate and you’re over here trying to make me look like an idiot.” Jim could tell she wasn’t really mad, but he also knew she would probably return the favor one day. He should stay on his toes.

“So Beesly, big plans for the weekend?” He smiled at her, and she smiled back at him before noticing that Angela seemed to be close paying attention to their conversation.

She bit her lip to contain her smile, “Just watching some movies with a friend, you?”

Taking her lead, Jim responded just loudly enough for Angela to hear, “Just hanging out at home. Ready to walk out?”

“Not quite, I need to send a few faxes that Michael apparently forgot about, but you go on. Have a nice weekend!” She smiled at him and mouthed “I’ll see you later.”

He tapped on her counter and backed away toward the door, “Ok, well have a good one.”

Jim took the stairs needing to burn off a little of his nervous energy. He assumed that Pam just wanted to make everything look very normal to the prying eyes of the office, but he had hoped to establish what the plan was for the night on the way out to the car. Now, he wasn’t sure if he should make dinner, or order in, or buy lots of beer? And her playful tone had his hopes up again. Friends don’t flirt like that right? Had he never said anything to her, had he never been accused of misinterpreting, he would be certain that tonight he had a date with Pam. But now, his Pam compass was off and he couldn’t tell. Still, he felt drunk with the possibilities.

The evening was warm and sunny and even the Scranton Business Park smelled faintly sweet with blooming flowers. Jim took a moment to soak in the beautiful weather, relishing the feeling that he could not wait for his weekend to start. He hated to admit it, but it had been a while, a really long while, since he had left work excited about his weekend plans. There were good nights with Karen, and Katy, but this feeling? This felt like Sarah Wells. Sarah was Jim’s high school crush and this felt just like the night that he took her to Homecoming. He got in his car, throwing the messenger bag clumsily into the passenger side and he looked through his pockets for his cell phone.

He flipped open the phone, dialed, and waited for Jane to pick up.

“Hey, stranger, what’s going on?”

“Hey Jane, not much. How are you?”

“Good. Anything exciting happening?”

“Oh I don’t know if it’s exciting.”

“What’s going on with Pam? How was your lunch?”

“It was good, the restaurant was really good. You and Mark should go.”

“JIM!”

“What?” He feigned innocence, like he didn’t know that she was desperate for information.

“Alright, you’re teasing me to get me back for calling her. I can see it. Come over tonight and watch baseball with me and Mark. I’ll get the low down eventually.”

“Oh I’d love to but I have plans…”

“Really?” Jane drew out the word like Jim had heard Kelly do a million times.

“Yep.”

“With who? Anyone I know?”

“Well I don’t think you’ve met.”

“Jim…”

“Yeah…”

“Say it.”

“It’s Pam.”

“Shut. Up.” He thought that she might come through the phone she sounded so excited.

“Well it’s not a date. Well maybe it is. I don’t know.”

“How do you not know?”

“Well, we’re just hanging out, like friends; we’re watching movies at my house.”

“So it’s not a date?”

“But we have been hanging out a lot, and really …talking…for a change… and”

“So it could be a date?”

“I hope so.”

“Why don’t you go get something yummy for dinner, buy a bottle of wine, and surprise her?”

“Because if she thinks this isn’t a date….. that would be so…awful.”

“You think you’ll die of embarrassment or something?”

“Maybe.”

“Not possible, I’ve never died and I’ve had to sit next to Mark at countless family reunions where he tells the pig joke.”

“Ouch.” Jim smiled into the phone thankful that Jane knew just how to lighten a mood when necessary.

“Look, it doesn’t matter whether it is or isn’t a date, just enjoy it. Stop being so afraid. After all, it is a night to spend with the woman you wuv.”

“Wuv?”

“Yep.”

“Ok I’m hanging up now.”

“Call me tomorrow and tell me if it was a date.”

“What if I still don’t know?”

“Then you did it wrong.”

“Ha, ha, very funny.”

“Jim, seriously, have a great night.”

“Thanks, you too.”

He hung up and started to turn the key in the ignition when he heard a tapping at his window. He visibly jumped, having not expected to see Pam standing there. He got out of the car while she giggled, “Sorry I didn’t mean to scare you. What are you still doing here?”

“Sorry, a friend of mine called and I was just hanging up. You were fast.”

“I’m a pro with the fax machine. Besides, I just didn’t want to endure the looks from Angela all next week if we left together. I mean she’s suspicious enough from all the lunches.”

“Right,” Jim looked at his shoes. He didn’t really care what Angela thought, but he didn’t want to put Pam in a weird spot. “So do I need to provide food for this movie marathon in my living room?”

“How do you feel about Chinese? I could pick it up on my way over.”

“Sounds good. Um, do I need to do anything?” Jim felt at a total loss, he had never felt so incapable of figuring out how to act with a woman. There were rules. First, you knew if it was a date. Second, you picked the girl up and you bought her dinner. Third, you took her home and kissed her on her doorstep. Kissing Pam. The memory of the feel of her lips had haunted him for a year. Just then, he noticed that Pam was looking at him like he had a second head, “What?”

“I said that you are responsible for drinks, popcorn and ice cream. And then you just stood there like a statue, are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he almost swallowed the word because he wasn’t sure he was. “Yeah, you did mention ice cream before. So is this a wine kind of night or a beer sort of night?”

“Hmmmm,” she looked like she was weighing the question carefully, “What’s the difference?”

“Well,” he leaned back against his car and decided to just ask the question that had been bothering him all day, “Beer is better for the ‘hey my friend and I are hanging out in my semi messy apartment watching movies since we have nothing better to do’ kind of night. Wine is more like…I don’t know…a date.” His voice cracked on the word date, but he fought the urge to dive into his car out of humiliation. He probably shouldn’t have asked; it wasn’t time yet. He begged her with his eyes to just answer the question and put him out of his misery. “You know, maybe I shouldn’t have asked that, I’m sorry.”

“Well,” her voice was quiet but calm, then she cleared her throat and raising her eyes to his she said, “I like white wine.” She gave him an uneasy smile that he knew he would never forget.

He smiled back and felt his fingers itch to touch her, but he knew that she probably didn’t want him to kiss her in this parking lot while people filed out of the warehouse and the office. Besides, there was time for that later. “Okay, I can take care of that.”

“Okay.” She said as if it were a breath not a word.

“Okay.” His head was spinning at the implication of her answer; he had no idea what to do now, “So you have the directions?”

“Yep.”

“So I’ll see you in an hour?” He reached out for her hand and gently squeezed her fingers. He was relieved when she threaded her fingers with his.

“Yeah, looking forward to it.”

“Me too.”

Jim drove home definitely pushing most traffic safety laws. First, he stopped at the grocery store for a pint of mint chip, a pint of chocolate chip cookie dough, and a package of microwave popcorn. Next, he stopped to get wine and spent almost thirty minutes trying to pick something she would like. Sweet, dry? She didn’t say. He ended up buying a Chardonnay and a Pinot Grigio, figuring it was better to be prepared. By the time he was on his way to his apartment, she was supposed to be there in ten minutes.

He literally burst into his apartment, put the wine in the fridge and the ice cream in the freezer, and started putting the dirty dishes from his sink into the dishwasher. He was in the midst of cleaning up his living room when he heard the knock on his door.

“Damn.” He had no idea why it didn’t seem like a good idea to clean up last night, but somehow a beer and an episode of the Daily Show seemed like a better plan at the time. He picked up all the rest of the dress shirts and ties that still lay discarded on his table, plus the junk mail he kept meaning to throw away, and threw them in the back of his hall closet on the way to open the door for Pam.

“Hi…uh Pam?” It came out as a question, because he had never seen Pam look as beautiful as she did standing on his doorstep holding dinner. She had on dark jeans that fit her perfectly and a pink sheer sweater that tied on the side with a v-neck that showed off a white camisole underneath. Her hair was in the soft curls that he remembered so fondly and she smelled faintly of some kind of perfume. He had to remind himself to breathe. “C-Come in.”

“Thank you. Um, dressing up are we?” She nodded toward him, “You’re still in your work clothes.”

“Oh…um, I was running behind.” He took the bag of take-out from her and sat it on the counter.

“If you tell me where your plates and stuff are, I can work on this if you want to… change.” She smiled as she sat her keys on the counter.

He smiled back at her as the tension in his chest eased a little. After all, the beautiful woman in front of him was still Pam, his best friend. Over the last week she slowly, but surely, had been showing him that he could trust her again, and it seemed that he was also re-earning her trust. “Well, the plates are in that cabinet and the utensils are in this drawer. And I would love to change, so …I’ll be right back.” He watched her over his shoulder making herself at home in his kitchen. His heart swelled with the realization that this was a date. She said she wanted wine and she dressed in that sexy shirt. This was a date. With Pam.

He had played this scene in his head a million times, but now that it was here he felt like he had never been on a date before in his life. He felt for certain that his brain was not working any longer, and he just stared into his closet as if he had no idea what he was supposed to do with the clothes hanging there. He was stirred out of his stupor by Pam’s voice coming from the kitchen, “Is it ok if we eat on the coffee table?”

“Yeah, that’s cool, good view of the TV that way.” He grabbed his jeans and a blue striped polo shirt. He decided to go with socks but no shoes, since they were in his house and this was supposed to be a casual night.

He padded around the corner to find Pam arranging dinner on the coffee table. There were several cartons spread out with two place settings next to each other. She had put pillows on the floor to mark out where they were supposed to sit leaning against the couch. “Wow, that looks so good.”

“Yeah I may have gone a little crazy, but I was hungry when I called.”

“No, that’s good, I’m starved …and we do have three movies.” He rounded the corner into the kitchen to get the wine and took a deep breath once he was out of her sight. He bounced a little on his toes while he took out the two bottles of wine and sat them on the counter. “I didn’t know what kind of wine you liked,” he said loudly as he dug through the drawer looking for the wine opener, “so I got two kinds.”

“So I see.” Pam said softly, startling him for the second time in one day.

“Wow, I’m gonna have to get you a bell or something.”

“Looking for something?” Pam smiled as she dangled the wine opener in front of him.

“Thinking ahead huh?” As he reached out for the opener, their fingers touched and lingered. He felt his body respond to her touch immediately and he swallowed hard trying to will the dryness from his mouth. Touching Pam felt like the most amazing miracle, especially after the last few months. He noticed that she seemed to be blushing, and Jim found himself wanting to forget all about the movie night. He reluctantly decided that it was best not to push things too fast, and he turned his attention back to the wine.

He heard her take a deep breath as he released her hand; he wondered if that heavy breath meant that she was as overwhelmed as he was. For years he had wondered what it would be like if Pam really loved him, if she were as attracted to him as he was to her. Now that it seemed she actually might return his feelings, it was almost more than he could handle. “So… which kind…of wine?”

“Oh, um, the Pinot Grigio sounds good.”

“Let’s see if I can remember how to open a wine bottle.” Jim tried to concentrate on the bottle, but once again his mind didn’t seem to want to focus on anything but her. She giggled watching him struggle; he couldn’t help but laugh himself.

“Problems?”

He smirked at her, trying to hide his embarrassment, “Yes, apparently.”

When he finally got the bottle open, she applauded and grabbed the two glasses she had taken out of his cabinet earlier, “Ready for the first movie?”

Jim picked up the bottle and followed her out to the living room, “Of course, my dear Beesly, which one first?”

“How about Talladega Nights?” He put the wine bottle down on the table and offered Pam his hand to help her down to the picnic on his living room floor. He had touched her more in the last five minutes than he had in a year. To his great delight, she didn’t seem to mind.

“Sounds good.” He settled in next to her, and he couldn’t control the goofy grin on his face as she scooted over closer to him.

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters (except Jane) or the Office. No copyright infringement intended. This is just little old me saying, thanks Greg, I love your show.

Chapter 10 - Finally

The first time Jim woke up, he stirred out of a deep sleep to a numb feeling in his arm and the faint sound of a movie in the background. He had clearly been out for a while because he struggled to make sense of where he was, when he was. Did he have to go to work in the morning? Was it Friday or Saturday? In his hazy state, he could not figure out why his mattress was so hard and why his sheets seemed scratchy. Like carpet…..like his living room carpet. And what was lying on his arm?

Struggling to shake off the last bit of sleep, Jim realized that he really was lying on his living room carpet and Pam was cuddled up next to him, also sound asleep. He craned his neck to look around his living room surreally bathed in blue white light from the television. It felt like a dream, like another of the million dreams that caused Jim to toss and turn in the night and blush in the morning. Focusing on Pam again it all become real; he tried to pick up his hand from its perch on her back and wiggle the fingers, silently praying that it would be enough movement to circulate the blood to his arm without actually having to wake her up.

He took in the sight of her peacefully asleep on his shoulder, clutching his shirt in her hand, like she was afraid he would disappear with the morning light. He had never held her so close for a prolonged period of time; the moment would always end before it even began. Roy would walk in; someone in the office would notice they were too close; she would back away; he would run to Karen. But not this time; no one was backing away anymore.

Jim swept a stray curl away from her face, running his fingers along her hairline very gently, cherishing this moment when he could truly look at her without fear of who would see and without wondering if his face would betray too many emotions. Sadly, the stinging in his fingers screamed at him that he had to move and, cursing the need for circulation, he shifted her ever so slightly from him to free his arm.

He looked at the dvr and realized that it was almost one in the morning; one in the morning on the night of his first date with Pam. Honestly, this was not how he imagined his first date with Pam ending. In his fantasies he did wake up next to her - after a night of making love to her, not after falling asleep during the lastest James Bond and waking up with a spent carton of fried rice by his head. Jim yawned while he sat up and put the stray carton back on the coffee table.

He wasn’t entirely sure what to do at this point. Should he wake Pam up? Should he take her to bed? His heart raced at little at the very idea of carrying her to his bedroom. Did he change his sheets? Should he go to bed and put her on the couch? Or take her to bed and he could sleep on the couch? He watched her sleep; he wasn’t exactly eager to see her leave. Jim loved the feeling of having Pam next to him after years of lying awake at night wondering where she was and what she was doing. He finally could hold her, knowing that she was safe with him. Jim couldn’t believe he was debating whether to wake her up or not. Deep down, he knew there was no question he was going to let her stay the night.

He gently pulled the blanket off the couch and placed it over her. Reaching blindly for the remote, he turned off the television and pulled her close to his side as he settled in for the night. He had to laugh at the picture they painted: lying on his living room floor sharing one small blanket with the pillows from his couch strewn around them. He did have a really comfortable bed one room over with a down comforter and fluffy pillows, but he knew there was no way he was moving; there was no place he would rather be.

Jim closed his eyes again, surrounded by the smell of her, carefully placing his hand on her hip. He wanted to kiss her; it had been far too long between kisses. Their evening had never progressed to kissing; somehow the moment never seemed right. He knew that she was interested, and he knew what he wanted, but he just wasn’t sure how fast they were supposed to go at this point. They held each other’s gazes, and they held each other’s hands. She put her head on his shoulder and he traced circles on her knee. But every time he tried to push it further, he felt like he was thirteen trying to figure out how to kiss the prettiest girl in his class. It would turn awkward and tense. Smiling at her sleeping figure in his arms, he placed a tender kiss on her forehead and drifted off to sleep.

The second time Jim woke up, sunlight was shining into the living room through his sliding glass doors and the room was barely illuminated. Jim could tell it was early. Pam was spooned against him and he was holding her close again; Jim smiled thinking that he could definitely get used to waking up like this. He loved feeling her breathe against him, feeling her hair against his cheek. He felt her stir slightly, and, feeling suddenly panicked at the intimacy of their position, he rolled onto to his back to give her a little space. Old habits die hard Jim thought, realizing that he probably didn’t have to pretend that he hadn’t spent all night holding her. But the reality of the moment still frightened him. There had been so much build up, so much tension, how would they find their way to being normal around each other? What would that even be like?

Pam started to regain herself and propped herself up on her elbow, peering behind her at Jim. For a moment he felt like he should pretend to still be asleep, avoid such a vulnerable moment. But he pushed that urge away knowing that they had to stop hiding, at some point they had to really face each other to see what would happen. Of course, he had hoped to do this sometime when he didn’t have morning breath.

“Morning.” She said softly, shyly.

“Hey…, good morning.”

“So James Bond put us both out huh?”

“Looks like it, …but don’t blame him, it’s pretty hard to keep me up after midnight these days.”

Pam smiled a wide contagious smile, “Really? That’s interesting.”

Realizing what he had said, Jim couldn’t contain his laughter, but secretly he loved that she was so openly flirtatious. This was a new side to Pam that he was really going to enjoy. “Wow Beesly, you’re spunky first thing in the morning.”

Pam rolled over so she was facing him, “Not really, especially not during the week. But I couldn’t resist that one.”

“Oh, I’d be disappointed in you if you had let that go.”

They looked at each other for what seemed like an eternity without speaking. Jim tried to work out in his mind his next move. Should he touch her, hold her? That would definitely lead to kissing, and seriously he had to get rid of the left over Chinese food breath.

“So…”

‘Yeah, so…” His voice faded into quiet, overwhelmed by his feelings of awkwardness and excitement. They both seemed to be unable look at each other, each searching for something to look at that was safe, only daring to steal little glances at the other. This felt just like moments he had shared with her before, but overcoming the actual inertia of the past to move forward seemed impossible. He couldn’t just do it now…now in the middle of the floor, now was so completely unperfect. Even Lake Wallenpaupack was better than this.

Pam started to fidget a little, “I’m gonna freshen up a little, I think.” She got up and he watched her walk down the hall to the bathroom.

“Nice one Halpert,” he said under his breath, “way to choke”. Shaking his head angrily, all he could think was that he screwed up again. Why couldn’t he ever just say it like a normal person, why did his timing suck? Once again when he had an opportunity to open up to her, he was paralyzed. Jim got up and wondered into the kitchen silently berating himself as he threw a few things away from the night before, muttering words like “stupid” and “idiot”. He leaned into the refrigerator taking stock of what could pass for breakfast foods, “Idiot. Say something.”

“Do you always talk to your refrigerator?”

“What?” Jim raised up so quickly that he hit his head on the freezer door. “Shit.”

“Are you ok?”

“Perfect. You have got to stop sneaking up on me though…” Jim rubbed the top of his head amazed at how bad he had gotten at this. He always thought he was ok with women, semi-charming at times, but now all his skills had left him.

“Sorry bout that. Who’s an idiot?”

“Wait…what?”

“Oh nothing, maybe I misheard you.”

Jim took a steadying breath, “No, um…you see…It’s a long story.” Jim took out a carton of orange juice and sat it on the counter. “Hey, see if there’s anything in there that you want, I’ll be right back.”

Jim headed back to his bathroom to try to regroup before he made Pam wonder why she ever liked him to start with. Safe behind the closed door, he took a moment to check out his reflection, laughing at his disheveled appearance. He splashed water on his face and brushed his teeth. After finishing up his morning ritual, he changed his shirt, which was beyond hopelessly rumpled, and turned to rest his forehead against his closet door, taking in one last deep breath.

He thought about calling Jane to tell her that he was going to have to turn in his man card because he had turned into a total wuss. Straightening up he tried to bolster his own courage; at some point, he had to do this himself. After all, he had dated other women without the constant advice of Jane Williams. Time to cut the cord, time to figure this out for himself.

He turned around to lean against the door and his eyes fell on his desk. Sitting there was a old picture of Pam from the Dundies a few years ago. He had taken it out the other day and there it was as if remind him of who was waiting on him in his kitchen. This was Pam. And while that was terrifying, she had given him another chance. They had found each other again. Wasn’t this supposed to be the easy part?

He headed out towards the kitchen with purpose although he wasn’t entirely sure what he would do when he got there. Pam was peering into the toaster when he came around the corner. “Lose something …in the toaster?”

“Nope, just watching it brown.”

“Pop Tart?”

“Yeah want one? I made two.”

“Conveniently, they come in packs of two.”

“Dork.”

She swatted at his arm, and in one quick movement he reached for her hand and gently interlaced their fingers, pulling her closer to him. She looked up at him, her eyes full of a myriad of emotions, but nothing in her demeanor told Jim to back away.

“So Beesly…I was just thinking that I have no idea how to act right now.”

“I know, it’s …weird, huh?”

“Yeah.”

Pam seemed to squirm at little at standing so close together, but Jim melted when she bit her lip awkwardly and looked up at him, “So, how do you …want to act? I mean, what do you …, I don’t know, never mind.”

Pam took her hand and pressed it against her forehead to hide her embarrassment.

He tilted his head to the side in order to force her to look at him. “There is something I’ve been wanting to do,” Jim squinted slightly, afraid to be as bold as he was about to be, “but I wasn’t sure if I should, …if it was too soon.”

Jim held her gaze and her face lit up as if she already knew what he wanted. “Uh-huh.” She took a deep breath and nodding in the direction of the refrigerator she said, “Was this what you were talking to the fridge about?”

Jim tried to contain a nervous smile and let out of breathy laugh, “Yeah, it didn’t really tell me what to do though.”

“Stupid refrigerator.” Jim could tell that she was trying to keep their familiar tone, their banter. He completely understood the need to find familiar ground, but the fact that they were joking about his refrigerator spoke volumes about how unfamiliar this territory really was.

“Right, …ok…we’re talking about my kitchen appliances.”

“Yeah, what is that about?” They stood there silently apparently waiting for the other to move, to back away, to say anything to break the tension.

“I think we’re nervous.” It was an obvious statement, but Jim couldn’t think of any way to cover what he was feeling; he was tired of hiding.

“Yeah, I definitely am. Why are you nervous?”

He looked at her, willing her to understand without him having to say it aloud. “Because,” he paused, trying to find the words to explain what he was feeling. He smiled realizing it was really pretty simple, “ Because it’s you.” He shifted uncomfortably, finally feeling the full implications of how close they were at this moment, physically and emotionally. “What about you? Why are you nervous?”

She looked away, as if she were frantically trying to find her answer, but she replied firmly, stepping slightly closer, “Because it’s you.”

Jim decided that this had to be his moment, “Well …I’ve really been wanting to do this.” Jim leaned into her, kissing her tentatively at first as if asking permission in a whole new language. Pam answered him by deepening the kiss and running her fingers through his hair. Jim stepped forward pushing her against the countertop, her breath catching slightly driving Jim to utter distraction.

Pam pushed against his chest to get his attention, and he reluctantly pulled back from her. “I think something’s burning.”

“Beesly, that is really cheesy. Seriously.” He leaned in to kiss her again but she stopped him, giggling at the situation they were in.

“No, um, I really think something is burning.”

Jim looked behind her to see that the Pop-Tarts were definitely burnt to a crisp and starting to smoke slightly. “Oh shit,… hold that thought.” He locked eyes with her so that she fully understand that he intended to finish what he started. Pushing her aside slightly, he popped up the blackened pastry, grabbing both pieces and throwing them into the sink.

As he ran water to douse the smoldering breakfast, he muttered over his shoulder, “Ok, I swear I am not usually this bad a date.”

“Who said you were a bad date?” her voice was small but sincere, as she wasn’t sure if he was kidding, but she wanted to be sure he understood that she didn’t agree.

“Well, I finally got to kiss you and we almost set the house on fire.”

Pam giggled, her face flushing a little, “I’d say.”

“Beesly!” He let his mouth hang open feigning shock, pulling her close again. “I had no idea that you could be this way.”

“Yep, just trying to lighten it up a little.”

Jim kissed her again, each holding tightly to the other slowly increasing the pace of their kisses. He felt like his heart might explode in his chest it was beating so rapidly and if he was being truthful he would admit that most of that blood flow was going to decidedly private areas of his body.

He remembered every time he had ever kissed Pam Beesly. The drunk kiss that tasted of margaritas; the terrifying kiss when the excitement of touching her mixed with the nausea of knowing her inevitable answer might be no. Now, he took his time to memorize this kiss: the taste of her tongue; the feel of her hands on his neck. He didn’t kiss her frantically, he kissed her gently, trying to get her to understand everything he felt behind every kiss. He was just starting to completely lose himself in the moment when he heard an unmistakable sound behind him. He felt Pam become distracted and he pulled away to look her in the eyes, a smile tugging at his slightly swollen lips.

He reached behind him and picked up his cell phone, whose ringing had interrupted them. “Nice timing, Jane.” he said under his breath, reading the caller id. He clicked ignore, and turned back to Pam.

“Who’s Jane?”

“Mark’s girlfriend…it’s a long story.” He leaned into her again, but she gave him a confused look, “She’s a friend, and let me tell you, she’s dying to meet you.”

“Why?”

He paused for a moment, taking her in and smiling at her. “Because …it’s you.” He silenced her with another kiss and he felt her relax against him.

Chapter 11 - Table for Four

Jim reached across the gear shift of his car to pick up Pam’s hand and gently rested their clasped hands on her leg. Despite the fact that they had been together for a little over three months, he was still amazed by the fact that he had permission to touch her whenever he wanted. He could hold her hand in the car. He could nuzzle her on the couch during a movie. He could hold her while she slept.

He watched her smile at him warmly and he felt it all the way to his toes. She shifted and moved her hand to begin to play with the slightly curled ends of his hair at the nape of his neck. He loved that she did that when they drove places together; it always made him want to kiss her. He briefly scanned the side of the road and, seeing a small gas station on the right, he pulled in.

“Jim, is there something wrong?”

He just chuckled in response because it wasn’t that there was anything wrong. In fact everything was more right than it had ever been in his life. He shifted the car into park, “Nothing’s wrong, just…,” he reached across for her and kissed her gently, with a hint of all the passion that he felt for her just under the surface. Pulling away slightly to take in the sight of her flushed and surprised, he said in a whisper, “I just really wanted to do that.”

Pam just smiled back at him, her cheeks pink and her lip gloss a little worse for wear. Jim’s cell phone started to ring and they both smiled and looked away from each other to compose themselves. In one fluid movement, Jim flipped open his phone as he settled back in the driver’s seat. “Hey, Mark. Are you guys already there?”

“Yes, Jane’s out of control. She’s so excited to meet Pam that she was ready a full ten minutes early.”

“Whoa, really? I thought she was born late.”

“Seriously, man, get here soon because I can’t take too much more of this.”

Jim could see Pam squirm a little in the seat next to him and he reached over to lace his fingers with hers. He knew she was nervous, although he had no idea why. She had already met Mark, and Jane was going to love her no matter what.

“Mark, I promise, we’re five minutes away.”

“Okay. And Jim?”

“Yeah?”

“You totally owe me. You know that she’s been insufferable this whole time.”

“I can only imagine, buddy.”

Jim clicked his phone shut and turned to Pam, “Are you okay? You seem…squirmy?”

Pam giggled, “Squirmy, is that a word?”

He rolled his eyes, “Okay, how about fidgety?”

Pam took a deep breath and looked out her window, “I’m nervous I guess. I never make much of a first impression.”

Jim couldn’t believe that she still didn’t know how beautiful and amazing she was. He had spent the better part of five years trying to get her to see it, but every now and then her insecurities would still get the best of her. “That’s so not true. I believe that I know someone that you bowled over pretty much from the first moment.”

Turning back to him, Pam sighed, smiling shyly, “Thanks. I just hate these meet the friends things. I never know what to say.”

Jim gestured with his thumb behind them, “So you wanna turn around? Because I can think of a million other things we could do.”

“No,” she said apprehensively. “This is important to you.” Her evident unease bothered Jim; he hated feeling like he was making her do anything she didn’t want to do. Roy did enough of that for a lifetime.

Jim traced circles on her knuckles as he focused on her hands, so small in his. He found himself mesmerized for a moment with her ring finger, bare, no longer showing any indentation to suggest that she once wore a ring there. He used to feel such sadness at the sight of that finger bearing Roy’s ring instead of his, but now it was one of his favorite things to run his fingers down the nakedness of it. One day he knew she would wear a different ring there; one that would mean forgiveness granted, second chances, and dreams realized.

“Pam,” he cleared his throat, which felt slightly constricted and scratchy, “You have nothing to worry about.” He reached up to brush her hair slightly out of her face. He smiled widely trying to make her believe his words, “Jane will love you because she knows that I love you. And since she talks a mile a minute, you won’t have time to say anything anyway, so no worries. It’s gonna be a lot of fun, I promise.”

“More fun than rooftop grilled cheese?”

Jim squinted, pretending to think hard about her question. “Yep, way more fun…since I will be taking you home after this dinner is over.”

Pam leaned into him and kissed him, placing her hand on his cheek and keeping her face close to his as the kiss ended. “I just want everything to be…perfect.”

“You understand that Jane lives with Mark right? Seriously Beesly, if you don’t drink out of the milk carton, she’ll think you’re the queen.”

She kissed him again, more urgently, while he wrapped a curl around his finger. She pulled away slowly. “Let’s go meet your friend.”

“Well, …we could stay here. Kissing is nice. Forget Jane; she’ll understand.” He moved toward her again, half jokingly, half serious.

“Jim.” Pam giggled, moving back toward the passenger side door to avoid his advances.

He breathed deeply and put the car back in gear, “Alright, dinner at Coopers, forward march.”

*****

Jim carefully guided Pam through the crowded restaurant to a section in the back where there were a few tables set up in a room with lots of windows. He craned his neck trying to locate Mark and Jane and finally saw them huddled together in the corner; Mark was nursing a tall beer and scanning the menu while Jane sipped some white wine and drummed her fingers impatiently on the table. He had to stifle laughter as Mark picked up her hand suddenly to stop the tapping, but then, as always, couldn’t resist kissing her fingers before intertwining their hands.

“There they are.” Jim turned Pam by her shoulders toward the table, “C’mon, you’re gonna be terrific.”

Pam smiled as Jim walked her to toward the table; ever the gentleman, he walked slightly behind her with his hand resting at her lower back. Mark noticeably perked up as they approached, “Hey, guys, glad you could make it. Pam, it’s great to see you again.” He reached for her hand and shook it as he smiled widely, “This is my girlfriend, Jane.”

Jane stood up and walked around the table, “Hi Pam, it’s amazing to finally meet you.” Jane reached to hug Pam and while Pam was visibly startled at the familiarity, she smiled in Jim’s direction as if to tell him that she was okay.

“Don’t suffocate her Jane,” Mark said softly, Jim laughed but tried to cover it with a cough.

“It’s okay,” Pam said smiling brightly, “It’s really nice to meet you too, Jim’s told me a lot about you.”

“Oh, really?” Jane shot Jim a little look as if to say you better have been nice. “Well, only the good stuff was true.” Jane gave Pam a little wink and went over to Jim to give him a big hug. “Hey, stranger.”

“Hey,” Jim leaned in the hug and whispered, “Thanks for everything.”

Jane pulled back and smiled at him, “It was all selfish, I needed someone to keep me company on poker night.”

Generally speaking, Jim was always grateful to have Jane as a friend; she was like the sister he never had. But, tonight, seeing Pam introduced into this part of his life, Jim felt in awe of how far he had come, how far they had come, and he knew that Jane had a lot to do with it. He gave her shoulder another squeeze and motioned for them all to sit.

After the drinks had been served and appetizers had been passed around, Mark and Jim started the inevitable discussion of sports.

“So, Halpert, Phillies this week? My place? You bring the beer.”

“Don’t I always? Seriously man, just once you could ante up a six-pack.”

“I gave you shelter - a roof over your head, food to eat, and this is how you thank me.” Mark choked back a fake sob as he bit his fist. “Ungrateful.” Jim laughed as Mark took a long draw on his beer.

“It’s okay, I can’t stand the crap you buy anyway.” Jim had a playful glint in his eye, the same as whenever he pranked Dwight or egged on Michael. Pam smiled at Jim and he could hardly drag his eyes away from her to answer, “Sure …okay, baseball sounds great.”

Jane put down her glass and interrupted, “Pam, if you want to come over too, you’re welcome. I create a little sanctuary upstairs while they drink, grunt and scratch downstairs.”

Mark feigned offense, “Seriously, I’ve told you, we do not grunt.”

“But you do scratch.” Jane said pointedly.

Jim and Mark looked at each other a moment and said in unison, “Guilty.”

Jim tried to manage a serious tone, although he was barely holding back laughter, “But honestly, I just sort of scratch out of manly duty, Mark is really offensive and he enjoys it.”

Mark just shook his head, smiling, “Dude, whatever, all men enjoy the scratching.”

Pam giggled and took another drink of her wine. “I’m not sure I believe that there isn’t grunting.” Everyone turned to face Pam, surprised that she had chimed in.

“Pam, would I do such a thing? I’m a gentleman after all.” He spoke in an innocent voice and tried to look hurt, barely suppressing a grin.

“Uh-huh, not sure I believe that either.” She bit her lip flirtatiously and Jim felt warmth begin to creep up his neck. He met her gaze squarely and raised his eyebrows as if to say “well done.” He had to look down at his napkin so that he could come back to earth. He took a deep breath and looked back up at her, shaking his head ever so slightly, in awe of how lucky he was.

“Good girl.” Jane said proudly, shooting Jim and Mark quite a feisty look. “So how about it, Pam? Do you have plans?”

Pam looked almost surprised that Jane was serious about the invitation. She shrugged her shoulders, “Um, sure, …I don’t want to intrude on man night or anything.”

Mark responded immediately, “Nah, you’d be doing me a favor really. You can keep Jane out of trouble. It would be a real pleasure to have you over, besides my housekeeping has improved since I lived with this guy.”

“Please, does anyone believe that?” Jim asked with a challenging tone.

“Yeah that’s a load of crap.” Jane smiled in agreement casting a flirtatious look at Mark.

“Okay,” Mark said shooting teasing glares to Jim and Jane, “I’ll remember this later…”

“Honey, you know we love you.” Jane said hardly suppressing a giant smile.

“Yeah honey, you know I’m lost without you,” Jim said with a good natured mocking tone.

“Don’t you forget it, Mother Halpert.”

“Mother Halpert?” Pam asked, her voice rising teasingly at the end of the question. Jim shot a pleading look to Jane to keep this particular embarrassing story under wraps. Jane appeared to ponder it and nodded.

“Anyway,” Jane turned to Pam with a conspiratorial look in her eye. “So, Pam, do you like baseball?”

Jim relaxed in his chair and kicked Mark under the table. Mark mouthed back, “What?”

“Um, well, I’m not the biggest sports fan, but I can watch it I guess.”

Jane leaned in closer to Pam, “How do you feel about chick flicks?“

Pam seemed to noticeably relax as the conversation turned to something she was more comfortable with “Well... they’re guilty pleasures, I guess.”

“Good, because I generally don’t watch sports in the man free zone upstairs, unless it involves Payton Manning or Kirk Herbstreit.” Jane smiled and whispered the next part, “Although, I always tell Mark that I’m watching the Discovery Channel. What’s your position on Jane Austen?”

Smiling widely Pam asked, “Movies or books?”

“Both, although I was thinking movies.”

“I love the books of course, and the movies, …yeah I totally adore the movies.”

“Favorite one?”

“Pride and Prejudice.”

“Firth or MacFadyen?”

“Firth of course.”

“Of course.” Jane nodded seriously.

Pam leaned in closer to Jane so that Jim couldn’t hear her next comment, “Wouldn’t you kill for longing glances like that?”

“Okay Pam… look up.”

“What?” Pam said, unsure of where Jane was going with this.

“Look at your boyfriend.”

Pam looked up to find Jim mesmerized by their conversation, a small smile on his lips.

“Seriously, Pam, I’d say that’s a longing glance.”

“I guess so, huh.” Pam touched her lips as they turned up into a slight smile.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.” Pam’s cheeks flushed pink as she studied her napkin, she looked up at Jane, “I’m really lucky.”

“Yes you are,” Jane took a sip of wine while she watched Jim and Mark having a discussion about the merits of the designated hitter for the millionth time and she seemed lost in her thoughts for a moment, “We both are.”

Jim leaned back from the table and watched Jane and Pam talk across from him. He couldn’t be sure what they were talking about; it was all in hushed tones and laughter. He always knew that they would get along and he was ecstatic to see their friendship growing before his eyes. Of course, he loved being Pam’s best friend, but now he was so much more than that to her, and she was more to him.

Pam rarely talked about having friends outside the office. He wondered if Roy had something to do with that. One thing he wanted to be sure of is that she never felt like he was holding her back from living her own life, having her own friends. And if they happened to share the same one - all the better as far as he was concerned.

Mark nudged Jim, “Hey, what are they talking about?”

“I don’t know, I think I heard MacFadyen…is there a MacFadyen on the Phillies roster?”

“No, but there is a McFadden that plays football for Arkansas, and I think I heard Jane say something about Payton Manning. Do you think they’re talking football?”

“Hmmm….maybe? Although I kind of doubt it, they keep looking at us.”

“Yeah, I think maybe they’re talking about us; dude, you realize we are in so much trouble here.”

“Yes, yes we are.” Jim knew he was in over his head with Pam, and now with Jane in her corner he knew he was done for. He smiled, he couldn’t have been happier about it all.

*****

Driving back to Pam’s apartment, the glow of the dash had an almost romantic feel about it. Jim stole a sidelong glance at Pam who seemed lost in thought as she stared out the window at the sleepy Scranton neighborhoods they were driving through.

“Hey, penny for your thoughts.”

Pam turned to face him, angling her body more toward Jim and reaching for his hand. “I was just thinking about the whole night. You were right, it was fun.”

“I’m glad, and you know, I think you made a good first impression.”

“Thanks.” Pam looked at him sideways and smiled, scrunching up her nose a bit, “Jane’s a riot.”

“Yes, that she is.” Jim pulled into Pam’s parking lot, “I always though you two would get along.”

“Maybe… it is a plus that she didn’t quote People or anything. Or try to overhaul my wardrobe.”

“Well, not on the first meeting anyway.”

They got out the car and walked slowly up the walk to Pam’s apartment. Jim reached for Pam’s hand and tugged slightly as if ask her to stop walking, “Want to sit outside for a little?”

“On the front stoop?”

“Yeah, it’s a nice night out, don’t you think?” Jim looked up at the stars and the nearly full moon, “Unless you’re cold, are you cold?”

She sat down and pulled him down close to her, “Nope, not any more.”

He put his arm around her and brought her even closer, her head resting on his shoulder. Jim couldn’t have imagined this night a few months ago, but now it was second nature, like it had always been this way, at least, it always should have been this way.

“Pam,” it was more of a whisper, “I love you …you’re just …everything …you know?”

Pam looked deeply in his eyes and he felt her gaze, warm, over the surface of his skin, “I love you too.” She leaned in to kiss him and his arms enveloped her.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Jane Williams had always loved weddings. They made her cry, they made her laugh; she loved the flowers, she loved the cake. When she was seven, she was the flower girl in her favorite aunt’s wedding. For a child, a wedding is magical. She danced on her father’s feet; she tasted champagne from her mother’s glass. When she graduated from college, she felt like every summer she went to a million weddings, but to her they still felt magical. She collected bridesmaid dresses and dodged the bouquet toss.

When she married Mark a few months ago, she didn’t cry when she said her vows – she giggled with excitement. She will point out that he cried, but he maintains he was mourning the loss of his bachelorhood. She knows better. She cried when she danced with her father, resting her feet on his like she did all those years ago. Jane didn’t want that night to end.

Standing in front of Pam, who was dressed in the most beautiful white gown she’d ever seen, she had to fight back tears. “Seriously Jane, again?” Pam asked with a smile on her face as she handed her a tissue, “You have to stop.”

“I know, I know, it’s just…so great that you and Jim are getting married after all this time.” Jane brought Pam in for a warm hug.

“We only dated a year.”

“Yes I know, but it seems a lot longer doesn’t it?” Jane tipped her head toward Pam knowingly.

“You’re right, it totally does.” Pam giggled and sat down on the stool in the church office where she and Jane had gotten dressed, “Thanks for helping with the planning Jane, especially since all my ideas were sort of old and, well, stolen by Phyllis.”

“Well, I would not have made it through my wedding without you, so fair is fair. I mean who knew Mark’s mother was a crazy person?” Jane pulled up a chair next to Pam.

“Speaking of crazy people, where is my mom?”

“She said she needed more Kleenex and wanted to talk to Jim’s mom for a minute.”

“She has like a box shoved in her purse!” Pam paused to think, “They’re planning a toast aren’t they?”

“Well….” Jane looked away, desperate for escape from the question. She was never good at lying, and she knew Pam would know the truth as soon as she looked at her face.

“Jane….”

Jane turned to her and tried for her best smile. “Just a teensy one.”

“Urgh, they promised.”

“They’re mothers….they are not sane today. Just go with it, smile at Jim, picture the honeymoon suite …after the wedding…” Jane crocked an eyebrow at Pam suggestively.

“Jane!”

“What? Everyone had to toast me and Mark: his mom, my mom, his dad, my dad, his first grade teacher… I had to distract myself.”

They both snickered and Jane patted Pam’s hand.

“Don’t worry, just enjoy your big day. Besides, this is going to be the most beautiful wedding ever. I think there’s something to planning weddings in twos don’t you think?”

“Well it’s very Pride and Prejudice.” Pam nodded seriously, a smile slightly tugging at the corners of her lips.

“It is.” Jane smiled widely remembering that they had watched Pride and Prejudice together so many times that they had it memorized.

“And we did get a deal ordering two wedding cakes at once.”

“True, that was awesome. Remember tasting all the kinds of cake and filling that day – I’ve never been so sick.” Jane stuck out her tongue, “We should have stopped after the vanilla, chocolate and strawberry.”

“Yet, it was totally worth it.” Pam smirked, smoothing her skirt as if she were trying to calm her nerves. “I know it is really cliché to be all mooney here, but I’m really glad you’re here. I’m glad we’re friends.”

“Me too. You know, I feel like I’ve known you forever, I mean Jim talked about you for years. And he’s loved you for so long… you guys are perfect for each other. You know?” Jane tried to stifle a sniffle, “I’m so happy for you both. And getting to be such close friends with you, that’s something I didn’t expect and I’m so thankful.”

“I, just…okay now I’m gonna cry.” Pam dabbed at her eyes.

“Join the club.” Jane grabbed a handful of Kleenexes. “I’m like a freaking Lifetime movie over here.”

Pam cleared her throat, “Alright, before we float down the aisle, what do you say you go make sure that Mark got Jim here in one piece?” Jane rolled her eyes and they both burst out laughing.

“Be back in a flash, don’t go all runaway bride on me while I’m gone.”

“No worries there, I can’t wait to marry him.”

Jane stopped at the door and turned back giving Pam a grin, “I know, I know.”

Pam playfully threw a wadded up Kleenex toward Jane as she shut the door.

Jane wandered through the sanctuary taking in the simple floral arrangements that Pam had chosen. The church was old and beautiful and needed no elaborate decoration. Pam had chosen lots of votive candles and loads of pink, yellow and white roses. Jane could not contain her excitement - in less than an hour the church would be full of family and friends and Jim and Pam would be married. She went to the back and down the stairs to the choir room where Mark and Jim were waiting for the ceremony to begin. She knocked gently and peeked her head in, eyes squeezed shut.

“Everyone decent?”

“Of course, Jane, get in here.” Mark’s voice boomed and she opened her eyes to find the two men seated on a plush couch.

“You have couches down here? No fair.”

“You don’t?”

“No.” She spun around taking in the room and stopped to looks at her boys, as she liked to call them, dressed in elegant black tuxedos with black vests. “You two look nice.”

They both smiled widely. It felt a little like déjà vu seeing them both in tuxes again, it had been much the same scene at her wedding, except this time Jim wore the slightly nervous smile and fidgety fingers, while Mark sat back listening to the afternoon game, relaxing before the festivities began.

“Jane, you look beautiful” Jim said softly as he got up to walk toward her.

“Thanks.” Jane twirled in the black strapless dress that Pam let her pick out. They had agreed when they both got engaged so close together to allow the other to pick out their own bridesmaid dress. She nudged him with a soft punch to the shoulder, “You don’t look so bad either.”

Mark playfully called out, "Hey Halpert, get your own girl."

Jane turned to Mark with a smile, "Shush you - he already did."

Jim smirked down at her, his voice a little unsteady as he asked, “So everything okay up there?”

“Actually Jim, that’s why I’m here,” she took a deep breath, “Pam’s having second thoughts.”

“What!” Jim almost choked on the word as he glanced at the door, seemingly planning his route up to where Pam was. He looked at her sincerely, “Really?”

Jane felt a little guilty playing such a joke on him, but after all the years she couldn’t resist it. She tried to hold a serious expression, but couldn’t hold in the laughter, “No, of course not. In fact, the last thing she said to me before I left her was that she couldn’t wait to marry you.”

Jim took a deep breath and then looked at Jane very seriously, “You are so paying for that.”

“Big talk, big guy.”

“Small words, short girl.” Jim crocked a eyebrow at Jane and they both smiled.

Jane stood on her tip toes to give Jim a little kiss on the cheek and he pulled her into a hug. “Seriously, have a good time today.”

“Oh, I intend to.” Jim rocked on his toes and blinked a bit.

“Please don’t cry. If you cry, I will cry. …How I am the girl in this friendship?” Jane shook her head. Mark stood up and cleared his throat as he piped in.

“Seriously, Jane, we all know Halpert’s a woman, he’s gonna cry.”

Jane leaned in to whisper, “Are you really a woman?”

“Yeah, don’t tell anyone.” They both snickered.

“Just the same, here are tissues, don’t snot on the bride.”

“That would be bad, I can see that.” Jim nodding knowingly.

Jane turned with a wave of her hand to go back upstairs, “See you later fellas.”

“See ya, honey; meet you at the end of the aisle.” Mark called after her.

“Yeah yeah, that’s what they all say.” Jane playfully called back.

“Hey Jane?” Jim followed her out to the hall, “I just wanted to say thanks. I think I owe you for a lot of this.”

“No you don’t. You did it yourself.”

“You pushed.”

“James Halpert, I never pushed.” She looked at him feigning offense before breaking down in laughter at her obvious lie, “Okay, I totally pushed, but I’m southern, we push for sport. Ask my mother.”

“You’re southern? I thought that accent was French?”

They both smiled, and Jane could feel eyes start to sting again. Jim was like her brother and she loved him dearly. She could not have been happier to see this all work out for him; his happiness seemed to mix with hers and she felt like they couldn’t be more fortunate.

“Listen stretch,” Jane started, watching Jim chuckle at the nickname, “You know that I love you right?”

“Yeah, me too Jane.” She patted down his tie.

“Alright,” she wiped at her eyes, “Jim, it’s about time for you marry Pam.” She leaned in a whispered her name like it was a secret.

“I know, what about that? His eyes gleamed back at her, partially from unshed tears but mostly from excitement.

She turned again to take the stairs up to the sanctuary, “I think it’s pretty awesome.”

“Me too.” Jim whispered.

Jane tucked her head back down the stairwell, “Hey by the way, your parents are heading your way. I think they’re gonna give you the birds and the bees discussion, should I bring down a flip chart?”

“Oh, shut it.”

Jane sat at a table in the small ballroom of the Woodlands Inn watching Jim and Pam cut the cake, silently praying the Jim might take the high road and refrain from smashing the cake on his new wife’s face. Jim smirked as he obviously pondered what to do in this situation, but his smirk turned into a warm smile as he carefully fed Pam the small bite of cake. Pam absolutely beamed up at him and then stood up on her tiptoes to gently press her sugary lips to his.

Looking at them laughing and smiling, Jane thought back over the ceremony as she drank her champagne. Pam was the most beautiful bride as she walked down the aisle on her father’s arm toward Jim, who stood at the front of the church eagerly awaiting her arrival by his side. Their vows were traditional, and they both fought back tears. Their first kiss was sweet, chaste almost, but not quite. It clearly reflected a strong and passionate love that everyone hoped would last a lifetime.

“Earth to Jane, calling Jane…” Mark whispered in her ear.

“Hmmmm?” She turned to face him as he sat down and offered her piece of cake, “Sorry, I was just thinking.”

“Well, pay attention because Dwight, from Jim’s office, appears to be getting up to make a toast. This should be good.”

Jane straightened up and noticed that while her mind had wandered the mothers had given a toast and, as they headed to their seats, Dwight and Jim’s boss Michael were heading towards the DJ to grab the microphone.

“Oh…Pam is not going to like this.” Jane searched for Pam and could see the look of horror even from across the room.

“Attention, Attention. Michael and I would like to say something.” Dwight’s voice bellowed seriously over the room.

“Give me that, you have no idea how to charm a crowd,” Michael smiled widely and it seemed to Jane like he had started to channel his inner used car salesman. “Jim and Pam, Jimbo and Pamalama Ding Dong, like Bennifer and Brangelina, JAM if you will, or PB & J….”

Jane stifled a giggle as she kept her eyes on the happy couple: Pam was clearly frightened as to what embarrassing statement would come out of Michael’s mouth next and Jim had his fist over his mouth trying to hide his amusement.

“These two…have been,” Michael dramatically tried to control a sob, “these two are an inspiration to lovers everywhere, or at least to lovers in our office, of which we’ve had quite a few, despite our deputy downer HR representative over there, Toby Flenderson. Anyway, I always knew that these two were meant to be together, MFEO as they say, and I was happy to help them get together…really you guys it was my pleasure.” Michael put his hand to his chest dramatically and again chocked back tears.

“People cry a lot in that office don’t they?” Mark whispered into Jane’s ear and she snickered.

“Wouldn’t you cry if you worked there?”

“Absolutely.”

Dwight took the mike solemnly from Michael as he cried, “I think what Michael is trying to say is that office flirtations are dangerous, because they distract people from performing the very important duties that we have at Dunder Mifflin. Furthermore, we are all hopeful that now that this wedding is over, Jim’s sales figures will increase from their pathetic level, although they will never be as high as mine because he lacks a certain necessary killer instinct. On a personal note, Pam, you’ve always been good to me, except when you and your now betrothed are wasting precious company time engaged in juvenile antics unbecoming the name Dunder Mifflin. But, I think you are a marginally decent person, and I wish you fertile loins and masculine children.” Dwight’s voice dropped as he muttered, “Just please don’t let them grow up to be like Jim.” Dwight paused to speak more forcefully as he continued, shifting his weight, subtly communicating his frustration, “Jim, really, it’s all about respect, something every Jedi must learn from his master…”

The DJ finally took the opportunity to wrestle the microphone from Dwight, although Dwight did put up a good fight. Finally defeated, he led a tearful Michael off the dance floor back to their table in the back. Angela looked on proudly as Dwight returned and gently touched his arm to show her approval.

“That was….” Jane burst out laughing, “by far the worst set of toasts ever heard at a wedding.”

“I don’t know, I still think my first grade teacher explaining how I used to wet my pants when little girls talked to me was way worse.” Mark tried to keep a straight face, but ended up blushing with embarrassment.

“Yeah, that was not good.” Jane reached for his hand and kissed his cheek gently. “Is it safe to dance with you or are you gonna pee on me?”

“Well that’s a risk you take lady.” Mark led Jane out to the crowd on the dance floor.

Mark pulled Jane close into his arms for the next slow dance. Jane melted into his embrace, stealing glances over his shoulder at Jim and Pam dancing in the corner, the candlelight casting a warm yellow color over them both and causing Pam’s diamond ring and wedding band to sparkle.

“So, after this is over, what next?” Mark spoke in her ear and she relished the tingling feeling that ran down her spine.

Pulling back to look him solidly in the eyes, “What do you mean?”

“I mean Jim and Pam are married…what will you do with all your meddling time?”

“Why do you make me sound like Velma on Scooby Doo?”

Mark’s voice took on a low serious tone, “Oh honey, now if you’re anyone you are definitely Daphne.”

Jane smiled as she rested her forehead on his shoulder, “You say that to all the girls.”

Mark spun her around with the music. “What do you say, we head out of here, go home and plot your next big match. That Dwight guy clearly needs help.”

Jane shuddered at the thought, “Yeah, I’m not a miracle worker.” Jane scanned the room enjoying the flowers and candlelight and the sight of her two best friends nuzzled close together swaying to the music. She pulled Mark close, “I love you.”

“Love you too, Dear Abby.”

“You know though, now that you mention it, did you meet that guy Toby? Because he seemed really nice. I was thinking that maybe your sister would like –“

Mark moved in to silence Jane with a long sweet kiss and she responded by pulling him close and running her fingers through his short hair. When they pulled apart he said softly, “You were saying?”

Jane smiled and pulled him back into her, “Never mind.”