She takes the steps.

She’s stashed away the leftover hotdogs in the kitchen refrigerator, sorted through the important phone messages that Toby left and now there is nothing left to do but head home. She avoids the elevator, not because she thinks she’ll run into someone in there (she’s the last to leave tonight) but because she’s found that with each step she takes on her red, raw and now blistering feet, she can create enough pain to keep her brain occupied.

She doesn’t want to think. She’s proud of what she did tonight…damn proud. She said what she wanted to say, uncovered things that had been hidden way too long. She did it all on a wave of adrenaline and accomplishment and didn’t stop to think about reactions, ramifications or results. She just did it. She knows that eventually she’ll have to deal with the fallout of what happened tonight. But for now, she doesn’t want to think about anything but the aloe plant that sits on her bedroom window. She avoided having to sit and contemplate her actions in the silence of the bus ride home by sitting next to Michael and asking, “So….how are you doing since the breakup?” His morbid chatter kept her from thinking of other things the whole way back.

So now she presses down on each step, relishing the sting of each blister, thankful that she can still feel. She opens the door and feels the cool night air wash over her. As she’s putting the key in the lock, she can’t help be reminded of other times in this darkened parking lot. She can never be here at night without echoes of  “more than that”, “misinterpreted” and “I can’t” resounding  in her ears. More recently, she’s been able to add “you can do what you want” and “always be friends” to the chorus she feels pounding in her head. Yeah….that always being friends thing really worked out, didn’t it?

She stopped having fantasies about the parking lot a while ago. Back when everything was raw and fresh, she’d imagine that he’d be waiting for her there, leaning up against her car. Or she’d imagine another conversation when she’d confront him and whisper only two words…”I can” before he’d take her in his arms. She hadn’t allowed herself to imagine that tonight that he’d be waiting for her…wanting to talk. But maybe deep down inside, she was hoping he would be. Even if he wanted to yell at her and accuse her of being selfish, that would be okay…it would at least be something.

So now as she walks to her car, she isn’t exactly surprised to see someone pacing next to her car, hands shoved their pockets. What is surprising to her, though, is that it isn’t Jim. It’s the last person she expected to have to deal with tonight.

“Hey, Karen….”

“Uh…..hey, uh, can I talk to you about something?”   Those words….the same ones he had….before he turned her world upside down. Pam’s heart starts beating faster and her eyes dart around looking for an escape route. She wishes Dwight were here with his pepper spray….just to buy her some time.   

 “Uh, sure.  Karen, listen,  I want to let you know that I never intended to—“

“Just wait, okay. I think you’ve said enough for a while and there are some things I need to say. Things I need to say to you.”

Pam can’t feel her burned feet anymore and she wishes she could. She doesn’t want to hear what Karen has to say…doesn’t want to have more ammunition to beat herself up with when she imagines them together…imagines them happy….imagines them in love. She figures, though, that maybe she owes this to Karen. She can listen and take it and then walk away and then get on with her life.  What Karen has to tell her will probably hurt, but hey…..tonight she’s already walked through fire.

“Go ahead, Karen…..I’m listening.”

Sometimes Pam wishes that she smoked.

If she had a cigarette clutched between her fingers, she’d have something to do with her hands when she’s confronted by a difficult situation like she is now. Back when she had Roy’s ring around her finger, she'd twist it and turn it, looking at it like it was an oracle that could always tell her what to do…or what not to do. She realizes that she doesn’t need an oracle anymore. She’s come through the fire like a phoenix and in a way, she’s been reborn.  So she shoves her hands in her pockets and looks straight ahead.

“Go ahead, Karen….I’m listening.”

Karen lets out a long sigh and takes in a breath, like she’s been rehearsing this and she just needs to start with one word and everything else will follow.

“You know, Pam….for the last few hours, I’ve been trying to figure out when my life turned into a soap opera.  Love triangles…public declarations of love….and me, the other woman who is trying to come between THE couple…the Bo and Hope, the Luke and Laura…the…the Jim and Pam”. Her voice is softer.

“Karen, that’s not what I mean—“

“I know what you meant, Pam. I know you weren’t trying to cause a scene. I know you didn’t want to hurt anyone….you never do, do you?” There’s an odd kind of almost bitterness now in Karen’s tone. “I’m not trying to blame you, I’m not…..I’m not that kind of person. I know in my head that what you said tonight was the truth….that you miss your….your friend.  You told Jim off, you called him on his bullshit and part of me wants to applaud you for standing up for yourself….for having your you-go-girl-Oprah moment. But my heart…it’s more concerned with what you didn’t say.”

For the first time since this started, Pam looks down at the ground. Karen is treading near raw earth she hoped would be left untouched tonight. Karen can yell at her for embarrassing her or for trying to win Jim back (thought that really wasn’t she was trying to do) or for making a public spectacle, but she has no right to head where she is right now.

“I don’t know what you mean. I just needed to say that I was sick of how I was being treated. I didn’t plan on saying it, it just sort of happened and I’m sorry that it involved you. I’m not sorry I said it, but I’m sorry if you were hurt or angered or….”

Karen cuts her off with the quiet question that Pam’s been so afraid to ask herself.

“Do you love him?”

“What?”

“Come on, Pam. You can’t claim you don’t understand the question this time. It’s simple. Do you love Jim?”

“I don’t see how that’s relevant. I’m not trying to break you guys up. You have a real….a real connection.” She hates herself for borrowing Jim’s cruel words about her and Roy and throwing them back at Karen, but she’s not prepared and she doesn’t have the rush of the coal-walk fueling her words now.

“Not relevant?”  Karen’s laughing now, but there’s still something sad in her eyes. “I moved here to Scranton because of Jim….just like you called off your wedding BECAUSE of him. Man, he has some sort of power over women, doesn’t he? I moved here to this nothing town for a pretty nothing job because of him. I stayed here because of him. I stayed with him even after he told me that he still had feelings for you. Did you know he did that? Didn’t hedge….didn’t lie…just told me straight out when I asked him. One killer ‘yes’ straight to my gut. But I stayed with him even after that because he promised me he’d try….and because by then it was too late. I was in love with him. Or at least I thought I was. “

Karen realizes she’s been rambling and moving away from what she had wanted to…needed to find out tonight. She stops her words, stops her breath and just stops for a second.

Pam’s mouth is set in a firm line and she’s blinking a lot…not because she wants to cry, but because she’s trying so hard to hold everything in. The motion of her eyelids, matching the rhythm of her beating heart, centers her, gives her something to focus on that isn’t Karen…that isn’t Karen’s question.

Karen decides to try again. “Maybe I really should have gone all soap opera on you…asked you into the powder room and attacked you. Michael would like a catfight.”

Pam laughs a little while wondering how far away from this scenario Karen really is.

“Just…..Pam. I know you don’t think it’s any of my business, but maybe it would help you to say it out loud. You said you were trying to be honest. This is your chance. Besides, I thought I was your friend….unless that was pretend?”

“No…..I hope we’re still friends.”

“Then please….just let me know. Do you love him?

Pam takes her hands out of her pockets and holds them palms up at her sides as if to show that there’s nothing up her sleeves. The embers of the earlier coal-walk must still be alive somewhere deep inside of her, because when she answers, Pam swears she sees a hint of steam.

“Yes.”

“Yes.”

The word seems to hang out there in the space between them and Pam can’t shake the feeling that it’s important that she said it out loud here….in the parking lot.

Karen nods slowly and chews the inside of her cheek. She shuffles her feet and says, almost to herself, “It’s settled then.” A few more seconds pass and Pam wonders if she should just leave. She’s done enough harm here…more than enough.

 Just when Pam’s about to fish her key out of her pocket and hop in her car, Karen speaks again, more clearly this time. “Can we…..can we sit down a second? There are some more things I need to tell you.”  

“Karen, really….I’m so sorry. I really am. I don’t have any claim to Jim and the only reason I said what I said is that I understand that things will never be the way they used to be. I missed my chance and he’s moved on. And honestly…..that’s fine. You are so great for him and I’m not just saying that. I just want my friend back. It sucked today to sit on the sidelines and watch you guys have fun. It just brought home how much I miss that. I understand if you don’t want me anywhere near him and Michael told me that you guys are planning on going to New York together, so it doesn’t really matter anyway, I guess but…..”

“He’s still in love with you.”

Pam’s explanation sticks in her throat.  She looks down….shakes her head and for the first time all evening starts picking at her thumbnail.

“No. He’s not. You don’t need to say that.”

“Pam….can we sit down….please?”

Pam is grateful for the chance to do something other than stand there mutely and try to figure out what exactly Karen’s agenda here is. This is the worst angry girlfriend speech she’s ever heard. Karen’s supposed to tell her to leave her man alone….to forget about him. She’s not supposed to tell her that Jim’s still in love with her.  She gestures towards the curb and she and Karen go and sit down.

Karen’s clutching her knees up by her chest, resting her chin on them. Pam kicks off her shoes and sits with her legs straight in front of her, letting the cool, evening air caress the bottoms of her feet. She supports herself by placing her hands on the ground behind her and she tilts her head back to look for the stars. There aren’t any tonight, but she looks anyway.

Someone needs to speak and Pam wants to set the record straight.

“Karen,  Jim has moved on. He’s got you….he’s  got a new life. And in case you haven’t noticed, I don’t really exist to him these days, unless it’s for some snarky comment or as an afterthought.” The scene in the break room after Roy’s attack plays over and over in her mind. She knows that Jim doesn’t love her. Not even a little.

Karen laughs a little and rocks back and forth a few times. “You don’t get it, do you?  Let me ask you….when did you get back together with Roy?”

Pam has given up on fighting this and questioning Karen’s questions. She had said she was going to be honest and it isn’t like this is a secret.  “At Phyllis’ wedding….we danced together and then we….we went back to his place.”

“Bingo. That’s when it started.”

“When what started?”

“The Pam hate. The really nasty comments about you.  He’d make them over dinner, he’d make them when we’d be out at the mall. Little things from way out in left field like ‘You can’t trust Pam’ or ‘I wouldn’t listen to Pam, she never knows what she’s talking about.’ He’d criticize your clothes, your hair, the way you kissed him…..” Karen looks over at Pam and realizes she’s said enough.

Pam’s shaking and she feels like she could throw up. Why does Karen need to do this to her? She told Karen she knew that Jim had fallen out of love with her and from the things Karen is telling her, he fell pretty far and pretty fast.

“I had thought that maybe you had argued or maybe you weren’t as good of friend as he’d led me to believe, but tonight…when you told him about calling off your wedding, I figured it out.” Karen reaches over and puts her hand on Pam’s shoulder. “You don’t hate your friend for trying to be happy. You don’t hate your friend for hooking up with the wrong guy. You feel sorry for her….you worry about her….but you don’t hate her unless……unless you are in love with her yourself.”

“That’s not what I wanted.”

“I know. It’s not what I wanted either, trust me.” Karen chuckles ruefully and Pam can’t help but smile at her. This certainly wasn’t what she expected when she woke up this morning or even after she made her speech at the beach.

“Karen. You can’t tell him what I told you here. He deserves to be happy and we’re so dysfunctional as it is.  Just go to New York, make him happy and forget about me.”

“So, after all that stuff about honesty and walking through fire, you’re just going to lie down and be a martyr, Pam? Frankly, that disappoints me.”

Pam doesn’t know what to say. She’s confused, hurt and a tiny bit hopeful. The jumble of emotions has left her dizzy and she wishes Karen would just say goodnight so she could process all of this. She wants this over, though, as quickly as possible....like her run across the coals. She turns to Karen and asks the only question that makes sense at this point.

“So…..what do we do now?”

“So….what do we do now?”

Pam tilts her head back again and notices that a few stars have started to come out. She wonders how hot they would burn if she were able to float up and touch them. She realizes she’s being silly…that of course the stars would burn her…they would consume her.  In a way, those dying coals back on the beach have consumed her as well. After her revelations and her talk with Karen tonight, she is surely not the same person she was before and she honestly, doesn’t know how to be this newer version of new Pam. She doesn’t know if she wants to be.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Karen has extended her legs now and she’s making lazy circles on the asphalt with her toe. “I’m going to break up with him.”

“Karen. That’s not necessary. I know I’ve said it before, but that’s not what I wanted…not what I want. You’ll destroy him and leave him even more broken than I did.”

“Listen. I’m at the point, Pam, where I don’t care what you want. I don’t mean that to sound harsh or cruel….but anything I do from here on out….I’m doing for me.” Her voice gets husky as if it will break. “…or for Jim.”

“Breaking up with him, though? You shouldn’t have to give up on what you want just because I made a mess of my life a year ago.” Pam is starting to get angry. Why can’t Karen just tell her to stay away from them?  Even if, as Karen says, Jim still loves her, he doesn’t want to be with her….he wants to be with Karen.

 When she looks over at Karen she sees her wiping her eyes with the back of her fist and her eyes are glistening in the darkness, like the stars she was contemplating moments before. When Karen finally speaks, though, there’s no hint of sadness in her voice. It’s clear and firm….resolute.

“Sometime next week, I’m going to tell him that we’re over….that we want different things. I’ll let him know that it isn’t him….it’s me. I’ll think of something.  I think he’s sensed that something isn’t quite right for a while anyway. I’m going to leave him, but I’m going to keep my dignity.”

“Why are you doing this?” Karen is either the most fool-hearty person she’s ever met…or the strongest.

Karen’s voice is back in its low, soft register. “Because no matter what, Pam, he’ll eventually choose you.”

“What?”

“In the soap-opera that is my life….Jim will ultimately choose you. It won’t matter if you’ve been married six times, lost your memory, come back from the dead or gained an evil twin. We could have some good years…maybe even a lot of them, but at some point, he’s going to wish that he had chosen you. I just figure that it will hurt a hell of a lot less now then somewhere down the road. I told you, I’m doing this for me.  And you know Jim….he won’t want to think that he’s hurt me by choosing you over me. That will eat him up too and he’s already a shell. That’s why I’m going to leave on my terms….my way.” Karen starts to get up. She brushes off her backside and fishes for her car keys in her sweatshirt pocket. “I probably won’t be in to work tomorrow…I don’t know if I’ll be back.”

Pam isn’t finished with this, though. “Karen, that’s no guarantee that we’ll get together.”

Karen sighs and moves so that she’s standing right in front of Pam. “There’s also no guarantee that you won’t.”  She turns to leave, but thinks of something and turns. “Pam, you have to promise me that you won’t tell him about this. You won’t tell him why I left him.”

Pam bites her bottom lip and pushes herself up with her arms. Her legs have kind of gone to sleep and they are tingling. She walks toward Karen.

“I promise. But you know, the one lesson I learned from soap operas is that secrets eventually have a way of coming out. Of course it’s usually at big parties or weddings or after the birth of a baby.”

Karen laughs a little and it seems like a genuine laugh….free of what’s been weighing her down most of the evening.  “That’s true. Maybe someday, then he’ll find out….just not right away, okay?”  Pam feels like this should be the point where she hugs her or shakes her hand or something, but that doesn’t seem right.  So she offers Karen the only thing she can.

“Thanks…maybe some day….”

“No offense, Pam, but I don’t think so.” And with that, Karen is in her car and gone. Her disappearing tail lights shining red in the night like the coals she walked on what seems a lifetime ago.

Before getting in her car, Pam looks up one last time at the stars. The ones that were there earlier have disappeared behind some clouds, but she’s sure that she can feel them trying to consume her all the same.

It’s the most embarrassing and awful thing she’s ever seen and it is the first thing to meet her eyes when she steps through the office doors the Monday after the day at the beach.  Stretched out across the front of her reception desk is a hideous banner featuring multiple photo-copies of her security badge photo and the phrase “Wham Bam Thank You Pam” in huge, orange letters. She thinks there are streamers….and balloons and oh god…..Michael is wearing a red, one-piece women’s bathing suit (apparently over a pair of shorts, thank God!) and the wig Oscar wore for Halloween a few years ago. Everyone else is refusing to make eye-contact with her. She should have followed Karen’s lead and not come in today.

“Michael---what?”  That’s all she can get out because seriously….she has no words.

“It’s Pam-preciation day. Today, Pam….it’s all about you.”

“You didn’t have to…..that’s not what I wanted…..Michael….what exactly …?” She gestures at Michael’s getup.

He beams with pride and hooks his thumbs under the straps of his swimming suit. “I’m Pamela Anderson…the most famous Pam of all time. I tried to get everyone to dress up like other Pams….Pamela Sue Martin, Pam Grier….that would have been perfect for Stanley….but nobody answered their phones this weekend, so it was all up to me and to Ryan.” It’s at this point that she notices that Ryan is wearing one of Kelly’s pink cardigans. She stifles a giggle as Michael continues. “We just wanted you to know, Pam, that I…..we appreciate you.” Pam is a little touched and at the same time thankful that Michael resisted the opportunity to point out how close she had been to becoming Pam Anderson herself.

“Um….thanks, but really this isn’t necessary.” In all of the craziness of her first minutes in the door, she hasn’t even had time to look for Jim, to see if he had the good sense to stay home today. He’s there, though, sitting at his desk. His back is to reception and his phone is cradled against his ear. He’s doodling on a pricelist in front of him and is totally unfazed by the commotion around him.  His avoidance skills are outstanding, but she gets it. She did a pretty bang-up job of avoiding him last year after he--- she doesn’t want to think about that….she did enough of that this weekend.

After leaving the parking lot on Friday night, she drove around for a while. She thought a lot about destiny and fate and all those other words that get thrown around a lot in the soaps that Karen kept mentioning. Back when she was with Roy, she thought that that she had a pretty good handle on where her life was going…what she was meant to be. ..who she was destined to be with. This year has changed that….changed her. She realized that she had taken the final step back at the beach. Sitting on the sidelines, cooking 800 hotdogs, she couldn’t imagine that her life would change that night. But it did in just a few minutes. She had walked across the coals and found acceptance. Acceptance not from her coworkers or from Jim. She had learned that she had to accept that her future was unknown and that sometimes it was okay to not have everything figured out.

 She knows now that what will happen….will happen.  Whether or not Karen follows through on her determination to break up with Jim….and if Jim ever speaks to her again….she can handle it. She had put it all out there. She had done her part. There were no balls in her court. She was free and in a way….this party really was a celebration of sorts.

Two hours later, after a Michael Scott Joint that basically featured shots of her answering the phone and a reading from Pamela Des Barres’ book about being a rock groupie (Dwight had chosen to interpret the Jeff Beck chapter with the whips and…..ugh) she’s in the conference room sipping a Pam-tini. It tastes like spiked strawberry lemonade and it’s actually pretty good.

She’s leaning up against the table thinking that she should thank Angela for throwing this together on such short notice when Phyllis approaches her.

“Pam, honey….I just wanted to say that I’m sorry…..”

“Phyllis, it’s okay….really. You’ve always been a friend and really.”

Phyllis throws her arms around Pam and crushes her in a hug. “I was so proud of you…what you said. Bob Vance got sick of me telling him about it this weekend, but you were amazing.”

“Thanks.” Before Phyllis breaks her hug she leans in and whispers in her ear. “This was Jim’s idea you know?”

“What? I thought Michael…”

“Oh….not this hideous party, but when we got back from the trip to the beach and everyone was in the parking lot….I think you were still upstairs dealing with the hot dogs….Jim just suggested that we all chip in to buy you some flowers or something to show that we appreciate you and the things you do for us in here in the office. I thought it was very sweet….especially after you reamed him out. Michael decided that a party would be soooo much better than some flowers.” Pam thinks she’s starting to blush. She wonders for a second if Karen had heard Jim’s suggestion and whether or not it fueled the conversation they had had. She doesn’t care.

Phyllis wanders off and Pam drinks down the last of her Pam-tini. As she leaves the conference room, she looks up and makes eye-contact with Jim for the first time that day. He has the same look on his face as he did back at the fire. She smiles slightly as she passes his desk on the way back to reception. “Hey….um…thanks for this. Phyllis told me it was your idea.”

“Oh….no problem.”  He breaks the eye-contact and picks up the phone to make another call. Pam begins to think that maybe the only positive outcome of her speech will be Jim winning the award for top salesman.

The party begins to wind down, though Michael has promised a big surprise for a late lunch and takes off for the warehouse. One-by-one her coworkers seek her out to offer her a word of praise or appreciation. Angela tells her that her public spectacle was embarrassing, but she squeezes Pam’s arm and looks a little jealous. She notices Creed telling Meredith she’s an asset to the office while giving her a creepy hug. Things just might be beginning to approach normal again. Things are going back to the way they were.

To underscore that notion, Pam spends the rest of the morning looking at the back of Jim’s neck. He’s been hunched over for the last half hour, scribbling something, then crossing it out….then scribbling again. When she gives up trying to figure out what he’s up to, she opens up her Solitaire program and loses herself in the game….until she hears his throat clear.

He’s leaning against her desk like he used to….before…..

“So, ah….Michael’s lunch? That he’s making right now in the warehouse?”

“What about it?” She looks up at him. There’s a very slight smile at the corners of his mouth and for the first time in a long time, there’s some spark in his eyes.

“SPAM Pam-ini sandwiches.”

“Oh, that sounds awful!”

“I didn’t tell you the best part. He’s using the George Foreman.”

She groans and he hands her a yellow sticky note and walks back to his desk. She looks down at it and smiles. It’s been a while since she’s gotten a note in his cramped, boyish handwriting and this one is perfect.

            “Friends don’t let friends eat feet”

She puts the sticky note on her computer screen and smiles. This has been a weird couple of days. Michael is in the warehouse grilling up Spam while wearing a wig, Creed and Meredith are making out in the kitchen, Phyllis is tipsy and Jim…..Jim….well, maybe he’s had to walk through his own fire too.

Pam puts the phone on automatic voice-mail and gathers up her purse and jacket.  Everyone else is already gone, except for Dwight and Angela. They had all agreed that they’d leave work early today, what with Michael, Jim and Karen in New York for their interviews. The rest of the staff had originally decided they’d leave work early at four and head over to Poor Richard’s for drinks, but as the morning went on, and as Dwight became more and more of a power-mad tyrant, that time had inched closer and closer to noon.

It’s only 1:30 and Pam’s glad to be leaving the office. She doesn’t know how much longer she'd be capable of sitting and staring at Jim’s empty desk, waiting for news to come about who would be leaving…and more importantly to her….who would be staying.  While she’s riding the elevator down, she thinks to check her cell….just in case. There’s one text message there that she hasn’t seen. It’s from a number she vaguely recognizes and it came in last night at 12:15.

“It’s done. Good luck.”

Pam lets out her breath and for some reason, thinks about volcanoes….pent up energy lying dormant for years and waiting for the moment that they can erupt with a curtain of steam and fire.  She has no idea what to do with the information glowing green and cool on her phone.

Karen hadn’t been back to work since the day at the beach. She claimed she was taking some time back in Stamford to properly prepare and shop for her interview. Pam hopes Karen gets the job and not just for selfish reasons…especially if Karen really has called it quits with Jim.  It just makes the most sense. Karen can move to New York, where she can have a great and fabulous career. Michael would stay at Scranton and maybe Jim could de-evolve back into someone she recognized…back into someone she actually liked.

She and Jim are trying, but things between them are still strained. The sticky note had been a good start. There have been a few moments of friendship the last few days. He offered her a carrot from his lunch. She started stocking her candy jar with his favorite gourmet jelly beans again; and last night, they had walked out together and she wished him good luck on his interview today….told him to say hi to Karen for her.  He had smiled and said thanks. So….baby steps, right? She can do this. They can do this.

She walks into the bar and sees everyone sitting around the cluster of tables in the corner. Toby’s telling a particularly funny story about his time in Amsterdam while Creed nods knowingly. Kelly hands her a beer and she takes a swig. For some reason the coolness of the drink feels odd coursing down her throat. She thinks she’d prefer something warmer like whisky or rum, but she doesn’t plan on staying long, so she takes another sip and leans up against the wall.

The place isn’t packed at all…it is the middle of the afternoon, so they’ve got the place pretty much to themselves. Stanley and Oscar are shooting darts and despite the unsettling events of the last week, Pam feels pretty content. Things would be perfect if Jim was here, but she realizes she needs to start getting used to times like this…without him. His distance the last couple of months has been good practice.

She’s been at the bar about twenty-minutes when Kevin returns from the men’s room with this shit-eating grin on his face.

“Heeeey Guys…..guess what?”

“Kevin, you didn’t….we didn’t bring the candle.” Everything is funnier when Stanley says it in his low no-nonsense voice, and Pam chuckles a little thinking back to the Dundie Awards 2 years ago.

“No….not that.” Kevin’s already pretty tipsy. “It’s Jim…he’s back in that booth by the kitchen and he looks waaaaaaasted.”

Phyllis puts her arm around Kevin. “He’s in New York, Kevin. Are you sure you haven’t had too much to drink.”  Before he can answer, though, and before the slow turning of awkward eyes can make their way in her direction, and before hushed whispers start to say her name, Pam is off, walking purposely toward the back corner of the bar.

He’s there. Of course he’s there.

Old Pam would have hung back, biting her lip and trying to figure out what to say, but she’s learned that she’s best…she’s more honest….when she just opens her mouth and starts talking.

“Hey. You’re not supposed to drink alone.”

When he looks up at her, she can tell he’s been at this for a while. He’s wearing an old, faded baseball jersey and the cap he wore to the beach is perched backwards on his head. He’s got two-days growth of stubble on his chin and upper lip and his skin is pasty and damp. She can tell he’s having a hard time focusing with his bloodshot eyes that are half-hidden under droopy lids. Most ridiculously, his eyebrows are a mass of confusion, the hairs going every direction but the ones that they are supposed to. She imagines he’s spent a lot of time today rubbing his large hands over his face.  When he finally speaks, his words are heavy and thick, but only slightly slurred. She realizes that she’s never seen him drunk before.

“Then join me.”  He gestures at his booth like it’s a kingdom.

Pam starts to slide into the seat opposite him, but finds that it’s already full. Jim’s messenger bag, a garment bag, a small suitcase and a long, black coat look like they’ve just been stuffed there. So she sits down next to him. He slides over until he’s pressed against the wall.

“You didn’t go to New York.” She says it softly and it isn’t a question. She knows.

“Nope.”  He takes another gulp of beer. She notices then that he has a pitcher. Who in the hell has kept serving him in this condition?  “And…to further state the obvious. I. Am. Drunk.”

“Really, Jim? I couldn’t tell.” She pauses. “ Wanna tell me why?” Again, she already knows and she feels guilty for already being privy to his heartbreak.

“She dumped me. Out of the blue. Apparently there’s this guy back in Stamford. Apparently, she used to have a thing for him, but she thought he didn’t like her. So, apparently when she was there visiting with her parents she and this guy had a ‘long talk’” He clumsily makes air quotes with his hands…one of which is still holding a mug of beer. “And apparently, she’s leaving me for him. Oh….apparently, his name is Rob.”

“You like to say ‘apparently’, huh?”

“Apparently, I do, Pam.” She thinks that it’s good that they aren’t sitting across from each other; that she doesn’t have to face him at this moment. She doesn’t want to have to see his eyes.

Karen is good. She left him, her dignity intact, just like she said she would, but in doing so, she had had a little revenge. She had concocted a situation that closely resembled the one she was bailing on.

“Soooooo…..no Karen, no need for New York.  It’s something we were going to try….together.”

He grabs another glass off of the tray (all pitchers at Poor Richard’s come with four) and pours her a glass of beer and tops off his.

“Jim, I shouldn’t. Someone is going to have to drive you home.” He pushes the glass at her.

“Please……Pam?”

His voice sounds just like it did back on the night he told her loved her. The timbre of it reaches into her belly and makes everything there do somersaults for a second. She realizes then that he’s not just asking her to drink the beer. He’s asking for a lot more. She knows that part of her should be angry that the only time he can sound like the Jim she sent away is when he’s drunk and pining for Karen, but she’s supposed to be his friend too.

“Just one, okay? Then we’re leaving.”

“ ‘kay.”

They sit there for a few minutes staring in front of them. Their glass mugs clang occasionally when they hit the hard wooden table.  She can hear him….feel him breathe next to her and even though he smells like a guy who’s been on a bender, she’s glad to be this close to him again. She can feel the warmth of his body radiate into hers….like the little sparks that shoot off of coals.  She thinks back to the night when Karen revealed her plans  and remembers the stars and how she felt like they could burn her right up. Jim’s warmth, though, has to the power to consume her and to keep her whole all at the same time. She bangs her heels back against the underside of the bench and hears him sigh.

“I was trying to forget.”

“I know. Jim…you aren’t the first guy to get shit-faced when your girl dumps you. It’s perfectly understandable.” It still hurts her to think about Jim and Karen together….to know that this break-up has affected him like this.  

He puts his empty mug down and lowers his head to his hands. He sighs again and rubs his hands up through his hair, displacing his cap.  He takes it and throws it Frisbee style into the pile of his stuff on the seat across from him.

“I meant….I was trying to forget you. Going to Stamford, dating Karen, throwing myself into work. Being a tool. All of it was to forget you and how much it hurt not to be with you.”

Pam’s always imagined moments like this with him and thought that she’d be rendered breathless and dizzy. She thought her knees would buckle and everything would shimmer. She doesn’t. It doesn’t. She’s surprisingly clear headed and calm….as if she always knew this moment would come. When she was with Roy, she had gotten into the habit of deflecting comments like that from Jim. She’d blush, make a joke, turn away or quickly check around to see who had heard.  When Jim was with Karen…well, there weren’t any comments like that to deal with. But now that he’s said it….now that he’s put it out there. She embraces it and takes it in as if it’s the most natural thing in the world.

“I’m here now.”

His hand comes down and covers hers on the top of the table. It’s warm and surprisingly rough. She’s always thought that his hands would feel soft on her skin. It’s not unpleasant and it’s comfortable. They sit like that for maybe seconds…maybe minutes until Ryan walks past them on his way to the restroom.

From the way he looks at her and mouths, “Everything okay?” Pam is sure that Kelly sent him to check on them and report back…and not necessarily in that order.  Pam nods.

“We’re fine. Thanks. We’re probably going to get going. Can you make sure someone grabs all of this stuff for him?” She points at the remnants of the failed interview in New York. Ryan nods. She looks over at Jim and realizes that his eyes have closed.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“Let’s get you home, Jim.”

She keeps her hand in his and stands up and pulls him slightly toward her. As he gets to his feet, it’s obvious he hasn’t stood in quite a while and his drunken legs are wobbly. He lurches into her and before she knows what’s happening, his lips are on hers and she’s kissing him back and her hand is in his very matted hair.

Her first thought is that he tastes like Roy, but she knows that‘s just the beer.  This kiss is different from their last one because he’s not trying to prove anything to her. He’s not trying to convince her of anything. He’s just……Jim. A very drunk Jim, but his mouth is warm and his hands are around her waist. His stubble scratches at her face, but she pulls him closer.   She knows she should stop this because they aren’t ready and because he’s wasted,  but then he’s pulling away.  He’s grinning at her with a smile the likes of which she hasn’t seen in ages.

“Now we’re even. One drunk kiss for another.” He reaches down and grabs his cap and slaps it on his head.  She’s not the only one who has been remembering the Dundies today. “Beesley….I’m going to need some help getting out of here.” When she looks at him, she can see in his eyes that he knows they aren’t ready either…but that this time, she won’t push him away and he won’t go running somewhere else.

She laughs and puts her arm around his back. “Come on, you idiot.”

As they are walking out of the bar, his lanky frame leaning on her small one, she thinks about how strong she’s gotten the last few weeks. She knows that for now, she can be strong enough for the both of them. 

 There’s an old pirate sword that hangs over the exit door and as she and Jim make their way outside (after parading past Creed’s wolf whistle and Phyllis’ wink and Kelly’s shriek of joy) she thinks about how she’s kind of like that sword. She used to be malleable and indecisive but now that she’s come out of the fire, she’s been tempered and strengthened. She’s steel.  

She opens the passenger door to her car and gently sets him in….butt first. His legs are still outside of the door and she realizes she’ll have to help him scoot in. Before she does, though, she bends down and looks him straight in the eye.

“Jim….there’s something else I’ve wanted to do for a while now.”

“What is that , Beesley?” His words are more slurred now. The last few glasses are starting to hit him.

She licks both of her thumbs and reaches out and smoothes out the wayward hairs of his eyebrows. When she has them under control, she laughs. “That’s much better.”

By the time she gets him settled and gets herself behind the wheel, he’s asleep. There’s one more thing that she has to do. She reaches into her purse and pulls out her phone. She knows that she doesn’t have to do this…that it will probably be deleted almost immediately, but she scrolls to her last message and sends a one-word reply anyway.

Pam's been dreaming about fire a lot lately.

One of the dreams that seems to be stuck on repeat in her head revolves around the coal walk. In it, she’s back at the beach and she’s just taken off her shoes. She looks down at the expanse of smoldering embers and feels a wave of fearful exhilaration. She knows, though, that she can do this. She tells herself that. Then, Karen is there….dressed in a cocktail dress and looking amazing. She leans over and whispers into Pam’s ear.

"You have to go to him."

When Pam looks toward the far side of the coal walk, she sees Jim standing there. He’s wearing an expensive corporate suit and his baseball cap and he’s still got that stunned and empty look on his face. His hands are shoved in his pockets. She starts to lose her nerve. Just as she’s about to back down, though, Karen pushes her and her feet are forced onto the hot coals.  She starts running, but she can never seem to get to the end of the coal bed. It stretches on and on in front of her and Jim looks like a tiny speck in the distance. She can hear Karen yelling behind her.

"You have to jump!"

So she jumps, but she doesn't quite make it to the end. Her feet are still in the fire, but instead of coals, it's now lava and her feet and legs are being consumed. It's like that scene in the subway tunnel in Volcano or like she's a wet wicked witch. She's dissolving. She reaches out to Jim hoping he can pull her out of the pit of fire. Instead, though, he just turns and walks away while mumbling.

"You have to save yourself, Pam."

It's usually then that she wakes up.

 *************
She has this dream again the night after she drove Jim home from Poor Richard's and it leaves her unsettled, edgy and unable to get back to sleep. She thinks about the way she left things with him earlier in the evening and she’s not sure that they’ve made any progress at all.

She had walked him to his door, helped him with his keys and then said goodnight. She turned, about to walk back to her car when he grabbed her shoulder and spun her back around towards him. She could tell that he was trying to say something to her...trying to make her understand something that was important to him, but even though his lips were moving, no words were being formed. Whether it was the the fact that he was drunk, or scared or nervous, he was rendered mute. He had looked at her then...or maybe more accurately...through her. In his eyes, she could see shadows of a winter night on Lake Wallenpaupack, the glint off of the embossing on wedding invitations, the shimmer of a periwinkle dress and the embers of one hundred other disappointments. He was asking her to rescue him and to restore his faith and his trust in big ideas like love and friendship.

She didn't feel qualified to shoulder that responsibility for him. How could she? She was looking to him for the same things.

Back on his doorstep, there was too much lying heavy in the air between them. She knew then, just like she does now, that if she had followed him inside, she could have answered so many of the questions raised in her fantasies. She would have learned what he looked like without clothing, what his hands felt like on the secret expanses of her skin and what he sounded like when he found release. Had that happened, though, she knows she wouldn't have the answers she really needed to the questions that were still forming in her head. She needed to know who they were to each other. She needed to know what his head and heart were telling him about Karen. She needed to know how they could come back from the places they had both exiled themselves to. Being friends again was a good step, but she didn't want to go further while he was drunk, desperate and upset about Karen.

Her first inclination had been to say "We can't, Jim." She knew, though, how charged those words were...how a simple contraction had so much history with them. Her next thought was to blurt out that he had just broken up with Karen and probably needed time to process that. She didn't want the idea of Karen to be conjured there between them, though so she simply reached up and touched his cheek. It was warm and her fingers tingled just to be touching him there. She was hoping to convey everything she couldn't tell him just yet with the tips of her fingers and the pressure of her palm.. She could feel his jaw clench and unclench. She reluctantly pulled her hand away and simply said, "Goodnight, Jim. I'll see you at work."

********
So now she sits in her bedroom and imagines her regrets and worries as flickering sparks lighting up her darkened walls. Karen had described her life as a soap opera and Pam gets now where she was coming from. Everything is so difficult with Jim. Nothing seems to be easy and it should be so natural. It's that damn history that keeps holding them back....licking at their heels and threatening to consume them like the lava in her dream.

Her dream....it's funny how it seems that the answers she's been craving were embedded in her subconscious. Karen is behind them, she's pushed Pam towards Jim and now there's only one thing left to do.

"We have to save ourselves," she says out loud to the darkness and the sparks of worry and regret disappear.

**********

The next morning when she arrives at work, Jim isn't there.

When Pam was six years old, she stumbled across a very still rabbit in her backyard.  It looked like it was asleep, but when Pam put her ear down to its chest, she couldn’t detect any breath sounds and though it was very fuzzy, it was cold and stiff to the touch. Her tears had started almost immediately for the poor little bunny that was lying dead under her bedroom window.

She had gone to find her mother, to see if maybe there was something she could do for it…some piece of mom magic or a special recipe that could bring the little creature back to life. At the very least, if it was a lost cause, maybe they could plan a funeral for it so that it wouldn’t have to lie there unprotected and alone. After she told her mother about her discovery, her mom told her to change her clothing and wash her hands and she’d see what she could do to help out. By the time that Pam had freshened up and gone back outside to check on Peter (that’s what she had decided to call him) the rabbit was gone. New tears had started to fall from the corners of her eyes.

“Mom…where did he go?” She was disappointed that she hadn’t gotten a chance to say goodbye.

“Well, honey. Your brother and I brought him back to life and he was just so excited to wake up that he couldn’t wait to start living again and he hopped right off. I’m sure he’s very grateful.”

That made sense, and as kids do, Pam had forgotten all about that rabbit until her mother reminded her about it years later and confessed that she had had Pam’s brother bury the poor thing in the back garden to spare Pam from the realities of death and to protect her from icky dead animal germs.

Pam thinks about that now as she bounds up the stairs at work today. She’s like that rabbit. She’s so excited to be back to life…to have Jim back in her life that she can’t wait to start living again.

When she gets into work, she’s disappointed that Jim isn’t there. She starts her morning rituals anyway. She boots up her computer, takes the phone off of automatic voicemail, updates Michael’s calendar and starts a pot of tea brewing. As her co-workers start to file in, she remembers that the last thing that anyone knew, she was escorting a very drunk Jim out of Poor Richard’s last night. She wonders how long it will be before someone approaches her and asks for details.

The answer to that question is 12 seconds.

“So, Pam. Jim isn’t here today. Karen isn’t here either. Isn’t that weird? Why wasn’t Jim in New York? Ryan says he saw you guys kissing. What happened last night? Did you go back to Jim’s place? Did you guys hook up?”

Pam can’t deal with this right now.

“Kevin, please. It’s none of your business, but Jim and I are just friends. Nothing happened okay?”

“But….”

“Just…shoo, okay?”

She looks up and sees Phyllis giving her a big smile and a double thumbs up. It seems like a little bit of office intrigue brings out the Kelly in everyone. Pam eyes Jim’s empty desk and decides to do something about it.

New Pam doesn’t have time for BS like that. She simply picks up the phone and punches in his home number.

It rings. Once. Twice. Three times. He picks up on the fourth ring.

“…’lo?” Despite her newfound bravery, a small wave of relief that he’s at home washes over her.

“Jim? It’s Pam. I was just calling to see if you’re okay.” She’s perfectly within her rights to be doing this. This is what friends do for each other.

‘Uh….no, actually.” Her stomach starts to turn somersaults until he continues and puts her at ease. “I guess I overslept. Last night was brutal. Damn, I feel like crap. Can you tell Michael that I won’t be in today?”

“Yeah. You were pretty drunk last night.” She wonders if he remembers their conversation…..if he remembers the kiss. It’s like he can read her mind.

“I was, but I’m pretty sure I can remember most of what happened.” She can hear his smile. This is good.

“Are you okay? I mean about Karen and….”

“Honestly?  I don’t think I’ve had a chance to process anything while sober yet. Listen, I think…I think we need to talk. Maybe later…after I’ve had some sleep and a shower?”

She cringes at his choice of words. The last thing they need to do is ‘talk’ … that’s their problem.

“I’d like to see you. Yeah.”

“I’ll call you later, okay?”

“I’ll tell Michael for you.”

“Thanks.”

When he hangs up, she holds the phone to her ear for a few seconds closes her eyes and breathes. She’s going to need every ounce of strength she can muster to deal with him and the talk he wants to have.

She passes the time during the incredibly long day by avoiding her co-workers’ sideways glances. She throws herself into her work, offers to do some extra filing for Michael and organizes items on the supply shelf.

When 4:30 rolls around, Jim still hasn’t called and she’s starting to get concerned. Maybe he forgot. Most likely, he just fell back asleep, but she was hoping to deal with some things today…she was ready to start living again. Just when she’s about to give up hope, he walks into the office. He’s dressed like he was yesterday…faded jeans, t-shirt and ball cap, but he’s shaved and his eyes are clear and alert. He walks, almost shyly, up to the reception desk.

“Hey.”

“Hey, you look better.”

“I feel better.”

“How did you get here?”

“Mark had to go into work and so the only way I’d be able to get my car today is if I rode over with him so, ummm…here I am.” She can feel everyone’s eyes turned toward her desk….even Stanley has a curious look plastered on his usually neutral face.

“Oh, for Pete’s sake, everyone,” her voice is raised. “It’s just Jim!”

Jim turns and faces everyone and waves slightly….like he’s the queen. “I realize the appearance of casual clothing in this office is quite rare, and I know that I look really hot in these jeans, but c’mon everyone.”

Chastised, everyone gets back to work. He turns toward her, his voice soft and low. “I’d hate to scandalize everyone here even more, but I was wondering if we could head up to the roof….to talk.”

“Let me get my coat.”

************************

From the vantage point on the roof, she can see Scranton spread out below her. The setting sun is casting fire-like shadows over the century-old brick. Everything is orange and crimson and though the temperature is actually kind of cool, the colors warm her and remind her of what it is she needs to do.

He’s standing close beside her. Though they aren’t touching, she can sense a synaptic connection between her shoulder and his arm. He’s staring out at the skyline too…probably remembering the “date” they once had up here. Probably remembering how she put him in his place when he even suggested that it was a date. There’s that history….licking at their heels again.

“Pam….” His voice is raw and tinged with the drama he must suspect he needs to accompany his words. “I think we should talk about….well, you know.”

She closes her eyes….takes a breath and says what she means.

“I think that’s a horrible idea, Jim.”

He turns toward her, a wounded look in his eyes, his mouth open. Pam thinks…this is what surprise looks like.

“What? I thought, I mean…..” He’s turned now, leaning against the brick railing and the orange shadows have reached his hair. It’s like he has a halo.

“Just, listen…okay? This is going to sound pretty hokey, but…..Jim, when I did the coal walk last week, something in me changed. Or maybe it didn’t change; maybe it just brought things into focus. It was like I was purified….like all of the mistakes and regrets of the last few years were burnt away. It’s how I was able to say those things to you….to be honest with you for the first time in a very long time.”

He’s looking at her like she’s crazy. It’s hard to explain spiritual, life-changing forces to people who haven’t gone through them as well.

“Anyway, one thing I realized is that I don’t want to dwell in the past. We both made mistakes, Jim, but what’s important now is what lies ahead. Behind us there’s only pain and hurt and regret and I don’t want that anymore. I want to move forward….I want to start living again…..with you.”

“But how will we…..” He’s trying to make sense of this, she can tell. He’s probably had this notion in his head for a long time that what they need to do is talk things out and make sense of their past choices. She wants to fast forward right through that.

“Just, Jim…..the key here is that we know each other. I know you so well. Yeah, there are things I don’t know yet….things I’ll discover…that we’ll discover together. But when I push aside my hurt and think about what I know about you, I understand every choice you’ve made in the past year. And I would hope that if you thought about what you know about me and put aside how I made you feel….you’d understand my choices as well.”

She takes his hand and looks up into his eyes.

“Casino night, Jim. Think about it. Do you know why I told you I couldn’t? Why I was still going to marry Roy? I’ll give you a hint…it wasn’t because I didn’t feel the same way about you.”

He closes his eyes and when he opens them, there’s a clarity there.

“Yeah,  I guess I do understand….it was because you needed time to—“

“We don’t need to hash it out, Jim. We just know. I know why you left after that. Do you understand why I didn’t call you to tell you I called off my wedding?”

He understands now.

“Yes, I do.”

“And I understand why you didn’t call me. I know why you didn’t return my text message. I know why you came back to Scranton with Karen. Do you understand why I went back to Roy? Why I could have done that after everything that happened?”

This one seems the most painful for him to acknowledge, but he squeezes her hand tighter.

“Yes, I do.” And she can see in his eyes that now that he’s stopped worrying about his own pain, he can see the loneliness, fear and jealousy that propelled her back into Roy’s arms.

“And I think we both understand why we’re here now. See, we don’t need to talk about it. We don’t need to wallow in the pain of the past….we know each other so we can move on. And that’s what I’d like to do. It’s not denial….it’s…it’s acceptance.”

Before she’s even finished speaking, he’s gathered her up in his arms, holding her close to his chest. His lips are buried in her hair and she can feel the muscles in his back relax under her palms. When he steps back to look at her, there are tears in his eyes.

“How did you get to be so wise, Pam?”

“It just took a walk through fire.”

The sky has gone black now, the setting sun just a memory, but she can still feel the warmth of the oranges and reds. He’s let her go now and he’s sprinting towards the hatch.

“I’ll be right back….stay here.”

She has no idea what he’s up to, but she trusts him. She looks back out at the twinkling lights in the buildings below her. Each of them is a star…each of them is a wish, but she doesn’t need to wish tonight. She knows now what her future holds.

Suddenly, he’s back, carrying all of the votive candles from the office ladies’ room. He’s got the men’s room candle as well. He’s on his knees, clearing places in the roof gravel to insert the glass holders until he’s made a trail of candles, their tops flush with the height of the stones. He hands her the lighter and tells her to light them. As she bends to do so, he leans up against the railing to remove his shoes and socks. She knows then what he intends to do.

“Jim…you don’t have to….you’ll only hurt yourself.”

“Doesn’t matter, Pam. You did it and I think it worked out pretty well. You burnt off the past, it’s my turn to do that too….even if it’s not quite the same. Your coal walk may have been hotter, but mine, Pam….mine will….smell like cookies. I’m not going to leave you the chance to one day rub it in my face…I’m the one who walked through fire, Jim….. I want to renew this relationship on even footing…no pun intended.”

He stands in front of the trail he’s made, shakes out his hands and takes a deep breath. He walks across the tops of the candles slowly, because he’s right…they aren’t as hot as coals, but they are still warm. His footing is unsure in the loose gravel, but eventually, he makes it to the end of the walk and collapse in her arms.

“Now….we’re even.” She laughs and agrees.

When he kisses her this time, there is no pain and no regret, only hope and promise and the purity created by vanilla scented fire. They can start living again….together.