She's lying in bed, unable to fall asleep, but not really wanting to try. She can't remember ever being so content to just lie awake with her memories. Not since she was a very little girl, anyway.

Her face is occasionally covered by a grin, after which she grins even more, thinking about how silly it is to grin to yourself in the dark. She really should just go to sleep, and she knows it. But this is what she's waited for.

She spent so long not knowing if it would ever happen, sometimes hoping to forget about it all together, just so she could calm herself down. Because it was hard to live with the constant anxiety--the not knowing. It was so hard to blind herself to the evidence all around her that she was just being a silly little girl with a crush on a boy who had no interest in her whatsoever. She's never been good at handling the unexpected. And when your whole life is an unknown it's hard to keep living like that. It's stressful and tiring and most of the time you just feel like giving up.

But she didn't give up--she couldn't, somehow, even when she tried. Because he's it. He's the only one for her. It's kind of a scary thought, actually. Because what if for some reason this doesn't work out? Then what? There is no one else. It's Jim. It's always been Jim. Just Jim. And it has been for so long now that she can't remember what life was like when she wasn't completely in love with him.

So it's scary, but at the same time that's what makes it worth it. She was never this invested in her relationship with Roy, even when she kept telling herself that she really did want to marry him. But now she's with Jim. She's in a relationship with Jim, and wasting a minute to sleep when she could be thinking about that fact just isn't at all appealing at the moment.

Her smile spreads as she once again recalls Jim's appearance in the conference room. She spent the whole day being honest--well, as honest as she could be without openly admitting that she was still in love with Jim. But she had answered lots of questions that she normally would have passed on, and the crew had seemed pleased that she hadn't once come up with an excuse not to be called into the conference room for an interview.

So then she had just been sitting there answering questions, being real and honest, and for once feeling like she was just being herself, when suddenly that had finally been exactly what he was looking for. Even now, in the dark, it's hard to process the fact that this is all really about to happen. Has already begun happening, in fact.

The door opened and she'd looked over and for just a second she really thought she was dreaming, but then he spoke to her and she responded and when he left, leaving no doubt as to his intentions, the realness of the situation overwhelmed her.

She spent a few minutes composing herself in the bathroom after she finished with the camera crew. And then she returned to sit at her desk for the little bit longer that was left in the workday. She didn't really get anything done though, preferring instead to just watch him from the back, as she had for so long. But today it didn't matter anymore that he was at a different desk, that he never came over for jellybeans, or that he spent more time talking to Dwight than he did to her. None of that mattered because of what was already happening between them.

And when five o'clock came, her whole body felt like it was fluttering around in swirling circles on the inside and she couldn't be sure that she wouldn't just float away as soon as she stood up to gather her things. But then he looked over at her and smiled and even though the fluttering got worse, she knew for a fact that his pull on her would be more than enough to keep her on the ground.

In bed, remembering the way Jim looked at her then, she felt that same fluttery-but-grounded feeling again. His was a look of pure, open adoration that she had only seen a few times before, but it had been so long since he'd really looked at her at all that this particular look was like seeing an old friend again for the first time in years. And at the same time it was something totally new. For the first time since the day they met they were both free to show it all.

She knew from the way he was looking back at her that every little emotion was splayed across her face, that he could probably see straight into her heart. But she didn't care. In fact, she loved that he could see it all, that they were both finally in a place where she could be completely smitten with him and he could know that she was. This was exactly what she had been waiting for.

As much as she may have wanted to, they couldn't just keep looking at each other forever. And in a few moments--moments that seemed to be going by way too fast to enjoy them the way they deserved to be enjoyed--they were both out the door and he had agreed to meet her at her apartment in an hour or so.

She really wanted to cry on the way home. With happiness, not sadness, for once. It was just all so much, all at once, but she knew she couldn't let her eyes get all puffy and red when she was trying to make a good impression for their first real date, so instead she turned on the radio and sang along to the cheesy top 40's pop songs that had been her salvation lately when nothing had seemed to be going right.

Today she sang them as a victory anthem.

Lying in the dark she whispered his name a few times. Testing it out again on lips that had wanted to scream it for so long.

"Jim, Jim, Jim. Jim Halpert. Jim. Halpert. Halpert. Jim, I love you."

It wasn't something she had meant to say just now, but it wasn't something she wanted to spend any more time denying. So she said it again, a little louder this time. Enjoying the way it sounded.

"I love you, Jim. I love you, I love you, I love you..." She smiled again and rolled over onto her side. This was exactly what she had waited for.

As she let herself into her apartment, and headed to her room to pick out some clothes to wear to dinner, the one word that kept echoing through her mind (besides his name) was finally. Finally she was here. Finally this was happening. Finally she could let herself go. Finally she could stop pretending. Finally he was hers, for real.

She spent a little longer than was strictly necessary in the shower, lathering up with a sugary scrub that she'd bought on impulse one day. It wasn't something she used every day. Usually the gritty, grainy texture was a bit harsh for her. But tonight she wanted to scrape at her skin a bit, rid herself of the grimy build-up that was the past and just start over fresh. Besides, the residual smell of sweetness that it left on her body was appealing, but not in the least bit overbearing.

In the darkness of her room she held her arm up to her face, to see if she could still smell that sweet, vanilla scent, but when she did, her mind refused to register the smell of her skin, preferring instead to remember the way his hair had smelled when she had rested her cheek against his.

Just the memory of that moment stirred her into shifting restlessly on her bed, suddenly overcome with a wave of fresh images that were all the better for the sheer number of times she had spent imagining being with him like that.

She smiled again and then sighed with happiness. Was it wrong to be this happy? It was overwhelming, she knew that much. She had spent most of the evening trying to keep herself from actually physically trembling with joy.

He arrived on her doorstep holding flowers. It amazed her that he would do that. She knew he was a gentleman, but it had never been something that she could see him doing for her. He had been her best friend, but having a fiance had made it difficult for him to find ways to do things for her without doing too much. She loved that he could do this, even something little like bringing her flowers, it was new, and it was wonderful to her that he could do it now without having to hide it. 

The whole evening had felt like that, in fact. They were still best friends, of course, but now they no longer had to keep putting up little barriers to keep from making more of something than they should. Her eyes widened in the dark as she realized for the hundredth time today that there was no longer any "should" for them. This freedom to want him was so exhillirating, she wondered if she'd ever get used to the feeling. She wondered if she wanted to get used to it.

It was all so new still. Only hours old, this hope that was now consuming her. Just this morning she had been brooding over what would happen if Jim left.

She wondered if he knew that in leaving he'd be taking a part of her with him. Did it occur to him that she'd probably never be the same again if he moved to New York? The first time he left, she had been caught off guard and she had blamed all the changes that were happening in her life--calling off her wedding, moving to a new apartment, learning to do everything on her own--for the loss of her playful side. But close to a year later, there was no denying the fact that it was really Jim who brought out that side of her.

Now, tonight, she remembered how fun it had been to toy with Dwight in Michael's absence, but she also knew that had Jim left for good, she wouldn't have been able to sustain that side of herself without him there to laugh with her. The cameramen were great and they could always be counted on catch the inherent hilarity of their office, but without Jim... Laughing to yourself isn't nearly enough when you're used to so much more.

And now she had even more than that. There were secret smiles to come and kisses to steal in the elevator and whispered conversations in the middle of meetings. Never before had she been so excited about going to work every day.

She walked with him to his car and marveled again at the way he looked in jeans. They had decided to just go somewhere casual for dinner. He had wanted to take her out to a nice restaurant, but she was so nervous about the whole situation already that she had asked if they could just keep it low-key for now.

That hadn't kept her from painstakingly curling her hair into long wavy curls, though. 

They drove in near silence, and she worried for a minute that he might think the silence was a tense one, but then he sighed and looked over at her with a smile.

"This is nice."

"Yeah. It really is," she returned.

And it had been really nice. The quiet had helped her absorb every detail and savor it in a way that made each little thing memorable. In the dark of her room, she closed her eyes for a minute to picture how his hand had looked when he had slipped it over to hold hers. How his eyes, when she had stolen a glance at them, seemed deep in thought as he drove. And how his new haircut had seemed less intimidatingly gorgeous to her now that he had ruffled it up a bit into a more familiar, flippy look.

"Are you sure this is really where you want to go?" he asked as they pulled into the parking lot of a chinese restaurant.

"Yep. I love this place," she said decisively.

Reflecting back on that moment, she wondered for a second if she had been too pushy about her choice of food. But she didn't think Jim would mind that she was finally secure enough in herself to go get the things she wanted. And if he did mind, well then that was just too bad, because it was mostly his fault that she had changed so much. Besides, after just one night she could tell that being around Jim was going to be the final little nudge she needed to complete her transformation. There was just something about him that put her at ease and made her unafraid. She trusted him, she realized. Not just to stay her friend no matter what, but she trusted him to keep her from doubting herself.

And that was just one of maybe five million things that made her love him even more now than she ever had before.

He sat across from her at the table. And he was too close and too far away at the same time. It was so intoxicating to be near him that she felt a little dazed by his presence, like she was floating underwater and she might have to get away for a little while--come up for breath.

“So, what did I miss today? I assume Dwight didn’t spend the entire time painting Michael’s office.”

“No, that was just the final touch,” she laughed.

“Really?”

“Oh yeah. He had a whole new regime planned. It was hilarious.”

“Like what?”

“Well, have you ever heard of a Schrute buck?”

“You’re kidding,” he deadpanned.

“I’m not! I swear! And then later we had an entire meeting on the properties of soil.”

Jim’s brow furrowed in confusion.“Soil? Why?”

“Because, that’s what trees grow in, and paper is made of trees, so…”

“Yikes. Please tell me you took pictures.”

She just laughed.

How could he be so perfect? He was everything. He was funny and smart and ridiculously good-looking and on top of all that he was the best friend she’d ever had.

She stifled a yawn and rolled onto her back. It was really late, but she was still too excited to sleep.

Excited and a little scared. Everything that had happened today seemed so surreal that even though she knew better, she still couldn’t avoid the glimmer of doubt in the back of her mind that this was all just a dream and that as soon as she woke up everything would go back to the way it was.

It just didn’t seem possible that after all this time they had finally found their way to each other. She didn’t want to doubt it, of course, but she just couldn’t help thinking that the morning would bring her news that he had decided to move to New York with Karen after all, or that he had changed his mind and wanted to go back to being just friends.

But then she smiled again remembering what he’d said at dinner.

“What?”

“Nothing,”

“Seriously, what?”

“I just…” she paused for a minute, but he seemed to know exactly what was wrong before she even said it.

“Pam,” he said, running his thumb along the back of her hand, “I just want you to know that I’m not going anywhere.”

“Me neither.” she returned, relieved that she hadn’t actually admitted her doubt.

Another minute or so went by as they looked at each other from across the table.

“I still can’t believe this,” he said, grinning at her.

“Yeah. I know exactly what you mean.”

Neither of them said anything for a little while after that, but as she took another sip of water she realized that the conversation was still continuing uninterrupted. Only now they were talking in expressions and glances and just the feel of each other’s palms.

She wondered what it would be like to be married to him. With Roy she had spent so much time thinking about getting married that she hadn’t really bothered to imagine being married.

She had thought about stupid things like place settings, but not about staying up late together when the baby had the flu. She had planned out whole play lists for their reception, but hadn’t even begun to think about who would be in charge of planning for retirement. She’d picked colors and flowers and stationary, but she had never really been able to imagine them sitting out on their front porch on a hot summer night when they were both old and gray.

But Jim… She laughed a little with joy and just surprise, because she could already see Jim wrestling with their kids on the living room floor and holding her hand as they watched their daughter graduate from college and passing on the secrets of all their best pranks to their grandchildren.

And instead of letting that scare her, all she could do was silently wipe a tear from the corner of her eye. She wanted this. She had wanted it for so long, and now it was here and she couldn’t imagine it as anything less than glorious. Because even when they had problems and life wasn’t perfect, he’d still be there and having him there would make even imperfection seem like paradise.

She was pretty sure her food tasted great, but it was kind of hard to tell when he kept looking at her like that.

They’d opted to just get a bunch of different things and share it all. She smiled when he held out his chopsticks to her with a piece of pineapple in them and a question on his face. Feeding each other? Really?

Okay. As it turned out she was fine with that. But she was even more fine with what happened after she finished swallowing.

She was still leaning across the table, unable to pull herself away from the close-up view of his features. Had she always been this fascinated by his nose and his eyebrows, his chin, his lips?

He was starting to look a little uncomfortable with the way she was flat-out staring at him, but she couldn’t seem to stop. And then the most amazing thing happened.

It was like all of a sudden his face went from uncomfortable to radiantly happy. Seeing that look on his face almost made her swoon.

“What?” she asked.

“Nothing.”

“No, what?”

“It’s just… if you had looked at me like that yesterday I wouldn’t have been able to do anything about, but now…” and then he reached over to rest his fingertips against her cheek. “You amaze me,” he whispered gently.

Her eyes lowered to the table for an instant and then shot open again when she felt his lips brush lightly against hers. He started to pull away, but she hadn’t had nearly enough. She pulled his head back toward her and kissed him with more force this time.

Unbidden, a sigh came from deep within her throat as she moved her thumb along his jaw. Nothing had ever felt so perfect.

But they were sitting in the middle of a Chinese restaurant, so all too soon he pulled back.

Her eyes closed lazily and she realized she was starting to drift off to sleep. Maybe she should just let herself fall asleep. After all, there would be more nights like this in the days to come. And as much as she wanted to savor every emotion, she also wanted to be well rested for tomorrow when she knew she would see him again.

The drive home was peaceful and when they stopped in front of her apartment, Pam wondered for a second what would happen next. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to spend the night with him, but she felt like the first date was a little too soon. Especially considering how far they had already come today.

He walked her to her door, still holding her hand.

“So... I guess I’ll see you soon?” she began, internally wondering why she had reverted to such a stupid line. Of course she would see him soon!

“Yeah. Hey Pam, I had a really great time tonight.”

“Oh no! It must be contagious!”

“What?”

“I had a great time? I mean, that’s such a cliché, and I couldn’t stop using clichés in one of my talking heads yesterday.”

“Really?” he said sounding interested.

“It was so bad, the camera crew was cracking up.”

“Nice.”

“Yeah.”

“Seriously though, I feel like we might really have a connection,” he continued.

“Okay, stop!”

“Don’t you think we’re made for each other?” he asked. 

“As a matter of fact. I do,” she replied.

She turned to him suddenly, and with a burst of the same courage that had kept her smiling all day long she reached up and kissed him hard. He wrapped his free arm around her waist, drawing her flush against his body, while his other hand still held hers. When she ran her fingernails along his newly-bare neck and into the tiny hairs at the base of his scalp, he made a noise that was almost a moan, and then began nibbling a little on her bottom lip.

She opened her mouth to him eagerly, with a sigh of contentment. By the time he slid his tongue slowly along hers she was literally leaning against him to keep her trembling knees from giving way beneath her.

They stayed like that for a long time and she was completely enthralled by the sensation of kissing him. It felt so personal and instinctive to her. Like his lips knew her already and had just been waiting for her all along.

When they finally pulled away from each other she rested her cheek against his for a minute, unwilling to let him go just yet.

The sound in her ear was so quiet that for a minute she wondered if she’d just dreamed it.

“What?” she whispered back.

“I love you Pam,” he repeated. Her eyes finally filled with the tears of happiness that she had known were coming.

“I love you too Jim. I love you so much.” She dipped her head down onto his shoulder and he wrapped his arms around her tighter. She wondered if he was crying too.

He didn’t say anything. He just held her as her body shook, running his hand up and down her back now and then and kissing her hair every so often.

When she finally pulled back, she swatted furiously at her eyes. This wasn’t how their first date was supposed to end. She didn’t want him to think she hadn’t enjoyed it.

But he quickly grabbed her hands and just held them until she looked him in the eye and noticed the tell-tale trails of his own tears on his face, even as he smiled down at her. Then he kissed her on the cheek, released her hands and began to turn back toward his car.

“See you tomorrow, Beesly,” he said with one last smile.

“Good night, Jim.”

Her last conscious thought as she rolled over one more time was that if that had been their first official date, she couldn’t wait to see what happened on their 15th and their 50th and their 500th. This was exactly what she had been waiting for since she didn’t even know how long.

And now, for the first time in her life, in fact, she was sure that she was exactly where she was supposed to be.