Booze Cruise

She’s really pretty.
She’s just the type he used to go for, before me.
She was a cheerleader. Why am I not surprised?
If my turtlenecks were so funny then why did he ask me out?
Yeah, she’s more his type, but
I am engaged to Roy.

Why does he still act like we’re in high school?
I swear he hasn’t changed a bit.
It’s always about his friends, his interests.
He never puts me first.
Is that too much to ask?
He is my fiancé.
I am engaged to Roy.

I want to go somewhere quiet.
He looks like he can’t wait to get out of here.
I put on my coat and he follows me.
I ask him “So, what’s it like dating a cheerleader?”
He smiles and says “Oh…Um…”
He licks his lips and opens his mouth but no words are spoken.
He tilts his head.
He looks at me with so much…something.
I think if he tries to kiss me, I won’t stop him.
He doesn’t.
I say, “I’m cold.” I go back inside.
He doesn’t follow me.
I am engaged to Roy.

She says, “I’d like to be engaged. How did you manage to pull that off?”
I twist my ring around my finger.
I laugh bitterly “I’ve been engaged three years and there’s no end in sight, so you don’t wanna ask my advice.”
Her smile fades and she stares blankly at me.
I get that feeling again.
I feel frozen, like nothing ever changes, like nothing ever will.
I should be happy.
I am engaged to Roy.

He says, “Enough is enough.”
He says “How about June 10th?”
I can’t believe it.
I am excited
Mostly, I am…relieved.
He finally, finally set a date.
I start to melt a little as the frozen feeling passes.
Now maybe everyone will stop asking “When…?”
I throw my arms around my fiancé.
I am engaged to Roy.

I notice she seems angry with him.
I wave to them after the boat docks.
I notice she rolls her eyes as he waves back.
I hear the door slam as she throws herself into his passenger seat and stares angrily out the window.
I notice he watches us drive away.
I see his shoulders sag as he climbs into his car.
I am engaged to Roy.

Boys and Girls

She tells me there’s this internship in graphic design.
She tells me she can work it out so that I can do it.
She listens to my excuses.
She tells me there are always a million reasons not to do something.
I start to realize that all of my excuses center around one fact.
I am engaged to Roy.

I mention the internship.
I don’t even get a chance to explain it before he says, “I think you should do it.”
I feel something stirring in me.
Something that feels like…possibility.
“It’s really cool.” I say to him.
He grins and says “That’s great.”
I remember I have someone else I need to tell.
I am engaged to Roy.

He says I already have a job.
He says there’s no guarantee that this internship will lead to anything.
He says what’s the point?
He says it will take up too much of my time.
I start to think that maybe he’s right.
After all, I have a wedding to plan.
I am engaged to Roy.

He says, “So you’re not doing it.”
He says it more like a statement than a question.
I ask him how he knows.
There’s so much…something in his eyes and his voice when he asks “Why not?”
Why does he care so much when my fiancé just…?
I’m angry and I take it out on him because he’s there.
I’m fine with my choices and it’s none of his business.
I am engaged to Roy.

They ask me about my dreams.
I tell them about the terrace.
I was twelve years old.
It was just a silly…possibility.
I’ll never have a terrace.
I am engaged to Roy.

Michael’s Birthday

We leave the office together and head for the drugstore.
I watch his hands as he drives.
He’s got one hand on the wheel and the other resting on his thigh.
He notices me watching him and my face feels hot.
What is my problem?
He is my friend.
I am engaged to Roy.

We pick out M&M’s, Cup O’ Noodles and a DVD.
We’re shopping for a friend who needs a little distraction.
I grin at him as we reach for the same card.
We get a little something for the birthday boy too.
He reaches for fabric softener and places it in the cart.
“You use fabric softener?” I ask.
I wonder if he can tell I already knew.
I shouldn’t know how he smells.
He’s just my friend from work.
I am engaged to Roy.

He dares me.
I love it when he dares me.
I can’t resist when know it will make him smile.
His voice is soft and he shakes his head slowly when he says “Such a dork.”
He says it with so much…something.
It sounds like it means something else.
I can’t help but grin as I walk away and say, “I hate you.”
He lets me choose the radio station on the way back to the office.
His hand brushes mine as he hands me the bags.
I hold his gaze a little longer than I should.
I am engaged to Roy.

He skates next to me and I feel safe.
He is tall and much better at this than me.
He stays close and if I start to fall I know he will catch me.
There are presents and cake and the tests were negative.
It’s late and the rink is closed but they ask me to talk.
I smile and say: “It was a good day.”
They turn the camera off and it’s time to go.
I really should be getting home.
It’s my job to cook dinner.
I am engaged to Roy.

Casino Night

I feel great tonight.
All of the wedding plans are on track.
I am getting along well with all of my friends and family.
Tonight should be really fun.
He came with me tonight.
He usually hates these things, especially when we have to pay for our drinks.
He came with me tonight, because he’s my fiancé.
I am engaged to Roy.

He is very handsome.
It’s weird to see him in something other than work clothes and old man ties.
He is such a great friend, my best friend.
It’s easy to flirt with him.
I know it’s harmless and it won’t lead to anything.
I am engaged to Roy.

He says he’s tired and he’s leaving.
I walk him to his truck and tell him it’s okay.
I’m having fun and I’m not ready to go.
I tell him I’ll see him at home.
I laugh when he says “Keep an eye on her.”
He’s a good guy.
I am engaged to Roy.

He says “Will do.” as the truck moves past him.
I walk towards him and the soft rustle of my dress seems loud here in the parking lot.
I love this dress.
I know I look good in this dress.
I feel good in this dress.
I’ve always liked getting dressed up.
I fixed my hair the way I might wear it for the wedding.
Everything is falling into place.
I feel happy and safe.
I know where my life is headed.
I am engaged to Roy.

He says “Hey, can I talk to you about something?”
I tease him about beating him at poker.
I am so happy that I don’t notice how serious he is.
He looks at me with so much…something.
He says “I’m in love with you.”
My stomach drops to my feet.
My heart races and I feel like I might be falling.
My breath catches in my chest but I manage one word.
“What?”
I am engaged to Roy.

He is still talking.
He’s saying something about it being weird and not good timing.
I can’t hear him because there’s this sound like water my head.
I say, “What are you doing?” “What do you expect me to say to that?”
He tilts his head.
He says, “I just needed you to know…once.”
I can’t breathe and I can’t think and I can’t move so I say, “I can’t.”
His eyes begin to shine as he simply says “Yeah.”
Why is he doing this?
Our friendship was safe.
Our friendship made sense.
This isn’t safe.
This doesn’t make sense.
I am engaged to Roy.

I say, “I’m sorry you misinterpreted things.”
I try to take the blame for his feelings.
I watch as a tear slowly makes its way down his cheek.
He absently brushes it away as he pushes past me and says, “I’m sorry I misinterpreted uh…our friendship.”
He walks away and I stand rooted to the ground.
I twist my ring and my finger burns.
I am engaged to Roy.

I run upstairs to call her.
She always knows just what to say.
I use his phone.
She asks me questions I’m not sure I know the answers to.
I hear the door close softly.
I tell her I’ll call her later and I hang up the phone.
I see him walking towards me with his hands in his pockets.
I turn to him and say “Listen Jim…”
He doesn’t stop walking and his mouth reaches me before the rest of him.
He wraps his long arms all the way around me and pulls me close.
I bring my hands up to push him away but…I can’t.
My hands are in his hair and it’s so…
My hands slide down to his chest.
I can feel his heart beating quickly as I push gently against him.
He steals one last kiss and I let him.
I have to stop this.
I am engaged to Roy.

June 10th

I knock softly on the door.
He says, “You look beautiful.”
I hate myself for the look on his face when I say, “I can’t.”

I drive aimlessly for hours.
I ring the doorbell.
His hair is a mess and he looks like hell.
He looks at me with so much…something.
I think I know what that something is now.
I say, “Can I come in?”
He grins and says “I don’t know can you?”
I grab his hand as I cross the threshold and this time I say, “I can.”
I was engaged to Roy.