If Pam were an outsider, a guest at her own wedding, she would have thought it was the most beautiful ceremony. Everything went smoothly. Scrantonicity did not disappoint. Who would have guessed that pretty much everyone Pam knew was a Police fan? Dwight acted semi-normal, although Pam noticed he disappeared for awhile after they cut the cake. (Actually, Pam didn’t remember seeing Angela either…) Even Michael was on his best behavior, only causing one disruption - when he insisted that he provide the vocals during the couple’s first dance as husband and wife.

But Pam wasn’t an outsider. She was the wife, and although she tried to enjoy the day she had been planning and looking forward to for three years, she couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe she should have postponed the wedding.

Only a few weeks earlier, Jim had told her he loved her; they had kissed. But before Pam had time to analyze her feelings, distinguish her love for Roy from her love for Jim, he had left, transferred to another branch in another state. His absence had changed her life dramatically. Pam didn’t know if she could handle even more change, so she clung to Roy tighter than ever. She continued on with the wedding plans and became Mrs. Roy Anderson.

She didn’t know if it was the right thing to do. She knew it wasn’t fair to either Roy or herself. But she still loved Roy, right? He was still the man for her. She convinced herself it was cold feet, and, refusing to give in to what she told herself was simply nerves, the wedding went on as scheduled.

During the first few months after the wedding, Pam experienced emotions she didn’t even knew existed, or, rather, could coexist. She was happy and sad, excited and nervous, content and restless. And even though she told herself she was glad to be married to Roy, she was also well aware of the fact that she was constantly thinking of Jim.

One time in particular stood out in her mind. It was only days after the wedding, and she and Roy were in bed watching the morning news. Roy asked her if she wanted some breakfast. “Only cereal or instant oatmeal, though. You know I don’t do that fancy stuff.”

“Um, okay. Frosted Flakes would be nice.”

“Coming up, Mrs. Anderson,” he replied from the kitchen.

It hit her like a punch in the stomach. Obviously she knew her name had changed. She had heard other people use it and had written her new name dozens of times already. But this time, Pam realized something, something that broke her heart and brought tears to her eyes. She wasn’t “Beesly” anymore. Jim had playfully called her by her last name on countless occasions. It was a sign of affection, and Pam loved the way it sounded coming from Jim’s mouth. If she ever saw him again, things would be extremely different. This was just another reminder that she now led a new life, one that didn’t involve Jim Halpert.

Pam missed Jim, more than she thought it was possible to miss anything. Work was boring without him. Office functions were unbearable without him. Weekends were insufferable without the hope that he might call her and brighten up her day. She always knew she loved him, but now, ironically following her never-ending engagement and long-awaited wedding, she wondered if she loved him as something more than a best friend. Honestly, Pam didn’t have to wonder. She knew she did, and, not for the first time, she found herself regretting the events of Casino Night, regretting her wedding, regretting Roy…

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Had life at the office always been like this? So monotonous and dull, sometimes downright depressing? Pam had never realized how much Jim entertained her, made her happy, made work enjoyable. She found herself yearning for lunch breaks. Sometimes she would go and visit Roy in the warehouse, but most days she would eat alone in the break room, unwillingly but automatically remembering happier times spent with her best friend.

On a day that started just like any other, Pam’s life changed. Jan drove down from New York and stayed in Michael’s office for what felt like hours. After she left, a pale, wan Michael came up to Pam’s desk, proclaiming that he had an announcement.

“It’s over. We are screwed. Dunder Mifflin Scranton is being shut down.”

Pam couldn’t believe it. Panic overcame her. What would she do now? What would Roy do? After she calmed down, she began to think that maybe this wasn’t such a bad thing. Maybe they could move to another state, where she could start a new life, a life without reminders of Jim everywhere she looked.

She had finally gotten used to the idea that she would no longer be a receptionist at a place that made her miserable when Jan came back in and made an announcement even more surprising than the first. Scranton wouldn’t be closing, the Stamford branch would.

Stamford. That’s where Jim was. Would he be out of a job? Even though she hadn’t had any contact with him since before he transferred (since that night), she still worried about him. Then a thought so amazing and frightening at the same time came to her. Maybe he would come back to Scranton, come back to me.

The rest of the day was a little hazy. Pam spent the day imagining what things would be like if he returned. She didn’t know if she should want him to come back or not. She was a married woman now, and she knew she had feelings for him that she should just ignore. But he was her best friend, and she felt lost without him. If she ever wanted to be happy again, she needed him in her life.

She tried to stop thinking about it. Who said Jim had a choice to come back? Who said he would even want to come back? She wondered if he ever thought about her. She knew he didn’t still love her, but could they become friends again?

Pam obsessed over thoughts like these right up until it was time to leave. She was about to open the door to the warehouse, where she always went to leave with Roy, when Phyllis called her over.

Pam froze and lost all feeling in her body when she heard Phyllis gleefully whisper, “I heard Jim’s coming back.”

Today’s the day. Pam couldn’t think of anything else that morning. Even when she was making breakfast for Roy, there was only one person on her mind, and it wasn’t her husband.

She told Roy to go in to work without her. She said she needed to stop and pick up some things for Michael’s special “Integration Celebration” he was hosting for the new employees. The truth was, she had bought everything she needed the night before. The truth was, she wanted to make herself look special for the day. For him.

As she dried her hair and swept it into thick, loose curls, Pam’s stomach churned. A mixture of excitement, anxiety, fear, and guilt overcame her. She put on light makeup and generously sprayed her favorite perfume on her wrists, her neck, even in her hair. She tried to convince herself that she was doing all this just for an old friend, and nothing more. She tried, but failed.

Pam sat at her desk the entire morning, greeting the unfamiliar faces from Stamford. She watched as an eccentric man zealously introduced himself to Michael as Andy Bernard. Shortly afterwards, a beautiful dark-haired woman walked through the doors and up to reception. Her name was Karen, and as the two women shook hands, Pam couldn’t shake the unsettling thought that crept into her mind: If all the women in Stamford look like Karen, there’s no way Jim still has feelings for me.

And then he was there. Pam couldn’t stop the grin from spreading across her face. Her legs slightly shook as she stood up and walked, almost skipped, toward him. Before she realized what she was doing, her arms were wrapped around Jim’s neck in a tight embrace. Pam painfully noticed that he only half-heartedly hugged her back, and when they slowly broke away, she glanced up at his face to see his eyes closed and his lips in a slight smile.

They stared at each other for a few seconds before Pam had the courage to speak.

“Hey, Jim.” She was aware of how lame it must’ve sounded, but she was afraid her voice would break if she said any more.

For the first time in years, Pam was unable to read his expression. Then, his face broke out in a genuine smile as he replied, “Hey, Pam.”

He looked down at her hands, his eyes resting on a certain finger, glittering with a white-gold ring on it. His smile faltered for only a moment, and he looked her square in the eyes for the first time since his return.

“I, um, believe congratulations are in order.” Pam was both disappointed and relieved to see that he was still smiling and to hear that his voice sounded normal.

She didn’t have the chance to respond, which was a good thing. His statement had caught her completely off-guard, and for some reason she couldn’t put her finger on, it had made her heart beat faster. Michael had finished showing the rest of the transferees to their desks and couldn’t hide his enthusiasm at seeing Jim again.

“Jim!” It was somewhere between a scream and a squeal. “Hey, Michael.” Jim smiled and held out his hand. Michael seemed almost offended by the gesture. He pulled Jim close to him and hugged him even tighter than Pam had.

Pam laughed as Jim made one of his signature “this-is-awkward” faces, and at that moment, Pam felt extremely grateful that he was back. Maybe things could be like before. What was she worried about? She felt happier than she had in months.

A little while after everyone had settled in, Michael called all the employees, new and old, into the conference room. Pam sat down next to Dwight, making sure there was an empty seat on the other side of her for Jim. She unconsciously smiled when he walked in the room and waited for him to come over.

But he didn’t. He flashed a subdued smile at her when he entered, but walked right past her and the empty seat. Pam immediately looked down at her feet, hoping that Jim couldn’t sense her disappointment. Finally she had the courage to look up at him. He was sitting next to the gorgeous Karen.

Pam felt sick to her stomach as she watched them whisper and silently giggle. Pam recalled the days when it was she who would make Jim giggle like that. When it was she who would entertain him during the unbearable office meetings.

Pam was insanely jealous, but more prominent than the jealousy was her sadness. They were no longer best friends. Karen had taken her place as Jim’s best friend. Maybe they were even more than that. Pam knew she had no right to be jealous. After all, she was married! Still, she felt tears build up and could hardly pay attention to anything that Michael said.

She didn’t know how long the meeting lasted. After what felt like hours, she noticed people filing out, and she almost jumped out of her seat, determined to leave before Jim saw her face.

It was past five. The work day was over, and one by one the office was emptying. Pam was putting on her jacket when she noticed Jim was at his desk, looking at her. She gave a faint smile and turned to leave when his voice stopped her. “Pam? If you can wait a minute, I’ll walk out with you.”

Pam’s stomach lurched as she nodded a little too vehemently. Jim packed up his things, pulled on his messenger bag and grabbed his jacket. Pam headed toward the elevator, but Jim jerked his head towards the entrance doors. “Let’s take the stairs instead.” Pam smiled and followed him. Anything that would give them more time together was fine by her.

“So, how was your first day back?” Pam figured this was a safe question to start their conversation with, although she couldn’t stop thinking about the camaraderie she witnessed between Jim and Karen. How could it have been a bad day for him?

“Pretty good, actually. You have no idea how different the Stamford branch was. All up-tight and serious. All though I must say I got a lot more work done there without all the distractions.”

Pam’s smile faded. Was that all I was? A distraction? Jim seemed to sense her reaction, and he quickly added, “You know, Michael’s interruptions and Dwight being…well, Dwight. But I’m happy to be back. As surprising as it is, I missed Michael and Dwight a little. And I missed you.”

He looked at her in a way that made her feel nervous, then he seemed to snap out of it. His voice was completely unflinching when he spoke next. “How was the wedding, anyway? How’s Roy?”

She took a deep breath and let out an accidentally audible sigh. She really didn’t want to talk about her wedding or her husband. Not now, not with Jim. They reached the end of the stairwell, and Pam was just about to answer his question when Roy opened the door from the parking lot.

“Hey, babe, where were you? I was waiting by your car for you for, like, ten minutes.” At that moment, he noticed Jim. “Hey, Halpert. How are you, man? Pam mentioned you’d be coming back.” Pam watched as they shook hands. At that moment she felt so conflicted. All her emotions ran together. It scared her when, in that one moment, she realized she didn’t know which man she loved more.

Roy returned his attention toward her. “Good thing we took separate cars today. Me and Daryl are gonna go to Poor Richards for a drink. I’ll be home later.” He kissed her on the cheek, said goodbye to Jim, and left for his car.

Pam and Jim stood in silence. It was obvious neither of them knew what to say. Then an idea came to Pam. “Hey, since Roy’s going out, why don’t you and I go get a cup of coffee or something? We can catch up.”

Jim looked like he was in physical pain. “Actually, I already have plans with Karen. That’s what I wanted to tell you. We kinda started dating…”

“Oh, yeah. That’s fine. Good for you. That’s great.” Pam knew she sounded flustered, but at this point she didn’t care. She just wanted to go home and be alone. “Okay, well I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then.” She walked to her car, turned around and said one last thing.

“It’s good to have you back.”

Jim walked to his car and, without looking at her, mumbled, “Yeah. It’s good to be back.”

What was he thinking? He had only been back in Scranton for one day and he already regretted it.

Jim had worried about his first day back ever since he was asked to transfer and be Assistant Regional Manager for the Scranton branch. He didn’t know what to do. For awhile he thought it would be better if he just got a new job, started a new life somewhere else.

But then images of her flooded his mind. Sure, she was married now, and he knew it would be difficult to be around her, knowing he would never have her. But he also knew the past three months living without her had been the most agonizing time of his life. He decided it would be better to have her as a friend than as nothing at all.

He thought he would be able to face Pam. He thought his feelings for her would fade away with the knowledge that she was a married woman. He thought they would be best friends again, but this time without the weird tension his love for her had created. Maybe he even thought his relationship with Karen would be enough to block her out altogether.

He thought wrong.

The moment he walked through the doors and saw her sitting at the familiar reception desk, he knew he had made a mistake. It was like nothing had changed. He was still madly in love with her. But things were different now. He was no longer a man in love with an engaged woman. He was a man with a girlfriend, in love with a married woman.

Jim went to dinner with Karen that night as they planned, but he told her he wasn’t feeling well, and shortly after they finished eating, he was on his way home to his new apartment. He found it impossible to fall asleep, though. How could he, when he was obsessing over everything that Pam had done that day?

He thought he was going to explode when she hugged him. All the pain and love that he had spent months suppressing came rushing to the surface, and it physically hurt him to breathe. He was so incredibly happy to see her. Until he saw the wedding ring. He knew she was married, but somehow seeing the ring, the evidence - it was all too much. He tried to steady his voice as he congratulated her, and luckily Michael came to greet him before anything else was said.

And then there was the meeting. He had walked in the conference room, and as much as he wanted to sit next to Pam, who he knew would be saving a seat for him, he sat with Karen instead. He needed to be closer to Karen emotionally, so why not start by being close to her physically?

He forced himself to laugh and joke with her, and he was all too aware that he was replacing Pam with Karen. Part of him even hoped that Pam would see them together, would maybe even be a little jealous. But he knew she wouldn’t. She loved Roy, not him.

But the most haunting part of the day was what happened in the parking lot. He looked into her eyes, admitted that he missed her, and, for one fleeting second, he was hit with the powerful urge to kiss her. He snapped out of it and asked her about the wedding instead.

Then Roy showed up. The familiar pang of jealousy, disgust, and sadness overwhelmed him as he saw them together. After he left, Pam asked him out for coffee. Another day, in another lifetime, this offer would have elated him, filled him with hope. Now, it was just depressing. He almost felt glad he had a date with Karen.

Karen. He had almost forgotten that he told Pam they were dating. What was her response? He racked his brain, trying to remember every detail of that moment. She seemed shocked, that’s for sure. Was she upset? He felt so uncomfortable having witnessed the married version of Pam and Roy that he wasn’t even paying attention to her reaction. Oh well, maybe it was for the best. He didn’t need to fill his mind with false hope again.

It was 4:00 in the morning when he finally stopped analyzing the day’s events. He still wasn’t tired. There was no use trying to sleep; he would have to wake up in a few hours anyway.

As he laid in his bed, he once again found his thoughts drifting to Pam. His Pam. No, Roy’s Pam. He had Karen. Roy had Pam. And that’s how it had to be.

Things will be different this time, he told himself. He needed her in his life, that he knew. But he wouldn’t get as close to her. He wouldn’t let her tempt him this time.