It was morning in the West Wing and CJ Cregg had just finished a very tiring press conference. Once again, President Michael Scott had made a gaffe and she was sure to be spending the rest of her day covering it up. Chief of Staff Leo McGarry had called a senior staff meeting in his office and she was the first to arrive.
“’That’s what she said‘? He said that to the Queen?” Leo asked incredulously.
“Yeah, the press had a few questions about that.”
“I can imagine! What the hell was I thinking?
“Having him meet the Queen? It was a great photo-op, Leo. Good publicity.”
“No, I meant letting him out in public.”
CJ smiled. “Yeah, sometimes I wonder how we got elected.”
“Well, our opponent was Todd Packer, so we probably could’ve run your dog and won.”
“I don’t have a dog.”
“Well, let me know when you get one and we’ll draw up a platform. Is there anything else?”
“Yes. Jim Halpert should be arriving sometime today.”
“That’s great. This president is keeping us busy with one crisis after another. We need some more people in here.”
“You’re not upset that he worked for Josh Porter?”
“No, there were circumstances. It’s a long story. I don’t have time to get into it now. Where the hell is everybody else?”
“They still have a couple minutes left.”
“When I call a meeting in ten minutes, that doesn’t mean people should feel free to sit for nine minutes and then run down here!”
“You understand that I‘m the one who was on time?”
Just then, Sam Seaborn, Josh Lyman, and Toby Ziegler all arrived in Leo’s office.
“Glad you all could make it!” Leo snapped.
“We’re on time,” Josh responded.
“Shut up.”
“Yes, sir.”
Leo started the meeting, “I have a few things to go over. I’m sure you all have heard that the President insulted the Queen.”
“Yeah, we all get television,” Josh cracked.
“Josh?”
“Shutting up.”
Leo continued, “CJ, let’s try to keep the press under control for now. Chalk it up to a cultural exchange thing. Also, Jim Halpert will be arriving today to join the staff.”
“We’re really gonna go through with this?” Toby asked.
“Toby…”
“No, I mean we’re really gonna trust this guy?!” Toby asked, his anger increasing with every word of the sentence.
“Our job approval is in the toilet. We need all the help we can get. He’s coming, so get used to it.”
“He reports to me, though, right?”
“Josh…”
“Because I’m not reporting to him, Leo. He reports to me and he reports to Toby.”
“It doesn’t really matter who reports to whom, because you all report to me! Got it?” Leo said. They all mumbled in agreement. “Excellent. Now he’s bringing Kelly Kapoor with him. She’ll join the communications team. If you haven’t met her yet, then enjoy the introduction, because it will be a long one. And ANYONE who says ‘That‘s what she said‘ can clean out their desks!”
Jim Halpert walked through the West Wing offices carrying a large box. He looked completely lost, but made his way over to Donna’s desk. “Excuse me, I’m looking for my office?”
“Oh, you must be Jim Halpert. I’m Donna Moss.”
“Donna, nice to meet you,” he said, extending his hand.
She shook his hand, but was a bit distracted. She had no idea the new senior staff member would be so attractive. “Nice to meet you, too.“ Donna smiled and lost her train of thought for a moment.
“Uh, Donna?”
“Oh, right, your office! Sorry, I think it’s over this way.”
Jim let out a soft laugh while following her. “Thanks.”
“So, have you been to D.C. before?”
“Uh, yeah, you know, I was working for a Congressman and then on a Presidential campaign, so I swung by every now and then.”
“Right. Of course,” Donna said, her attempt at flirting obviously not going over very well. “Well, here’s your office.”
“Thanks. Do you know if they’ve found me an assistant?”
“Yeah, I think they reassigned someone for you. I’ll call and let them know you’re here.”
“Thanks.”
“Well, I’ll see you around,” Donna said awkwardly, and began walking back to her desk.
“Hey, Donna?”
“Yes?”
“Actually, I was so busy when I was here before, I didn’t really get to visit DC very much, so I probably could use a tour guide sometime.”
“Oh, well, good luck with that.” Donna started walking back to her desk, while Jim just stood there. After a moment, Donna turned around. “Wait, did you mean me?”
“Sure. That is if you don’t mind showing a clueless guy around town.”
Donna smiled. “I think I could manage.”
President Scott had arrived back at the White House and was sitting at his desk in the Oval Office when Leo walked in.
“Mr. President, we have to talk,” Leo said.
“Leo! Lego my Leo, how are you doing?”
“Yeah, that one doesn‘t make any sense.”
“What did you say?”
“Nothing. Look, Mr. President, I think the Queen may have been offended by your comment.”
“Oh come on, Leo, it was just a joke!”
“A joke you’ve used a thousand times and have offended the recipient almost every time.”
“No way! People love that joke. Remember when I used it in the debate?”
“How could I forget?”
“That reminds me, Leo. We need to talk about firing the White House Counsel.”
“Not again. We had this talk, Mr. President.”
“I just can’t stand him. Every time I try to fire someone or make a new proclamation, he makes some big deal about it.”
“Yeah, your proclamations are something else.”
“Come on, Leo! Breast Enhancement Awareness Day? That would’ve been great!”
“Listen, you’ve been through four White House Counsels already. You should be lucky that Flenderson was willing to take the job. He was in Costa Rica when I called him. It took quite a bit of convincing.”
“Fine, whatever. Is there anything else I need to know about?”
“Jim Halpert and Kelly Kapoor are joining the staff today.”
“Aha! Jimbo! Well, he’s a smart guy. Not smart enough to pick the right candidate, though. It‘s okay, eventually everyone comes back to Big Daddy.”
“Please don’t call yourself Big Daddy.”
“Why not?”
“At least keep it confined to the residence.”
“Fine.”
Toby was working on a speech in his office when Sam walked in. “Just wanted to let you know that Mallory is coming by for lunch today,” Sam said.
“And?” Toby responded, clearly unhappy to be distracted.
“It’s been awkward since the thing with Laurie, but I think she’s going to give me a second chance,” Sam said with confidence.
“Sam, look at my face. Do I care about this?”
“Right.”
“One more thing, do not let that new communications person come near me today.”
“You’re a real people person, Toby.”
“I’m serious. I have too much work today. If she comes near me, I’ll kill you and then make sure the President pardons me.”
“How will you do that?”
“I’ll make him think he’s signing a permission slip for magic camp.” Realizing that this plan might actually work, Sam slipped out of Toby’s office.
In Josh’s office, all hell broke loose. Well, not so much hell as Kelly Kapoor beginning a sentence before Josh noticed she was there.
"Josh Lyman! Hi! Oh my god, it's so totally awesome to be working here. All the guys are soooooo cute, especially Sam. He kinda reminds me of that actor who got arrested for having sex with the underage girl. Or was it a hooker? I get so confused with him and that little British guy. I mean, I totally don't think he did it. Maybe he did. But whatever, because I bet Sam is amaaaaazing and he would never sleep with a hooker. Oh my god, do you know Sam? Can you talk to him for me? Please, Josh? Please, please, please, please, please, please, please?"
"Donnnnnnnnnna!"
“I’m coming!” Donna shouted from outside the office. “Hi,” she said, smiling uncomfortably.
Josh looked at Kelly and said, “Can you excuse us, please?”
“Oh, sure, I’ll be right outside.”
“Thanks,“ Josh said. He waited for her to leave before scolding Donna. “What was she doing in here?”
“I’m sorry. I was showing Jim to his office.”
“Well, you have to pay… wait, you were doing what?”
“Jim Halpert? I was showing him where his office was.”
Josh rubbed his forehead in frustration. “OK, listen, you don’t get paid to show other people to their office, especially him, and you don’t get paid to let other people wander into my office, especially her!”
“Actually, I don’t get paid very much at all, Josh. Would you like to talk about that?”
“Not really, Donna, so…”
“It’s a very, very small amount. I’m surprised I’ve managed to keep my electricity on.”
“Donna…”
“I mean, sometimes I think you could hire an illegal immigrant for what you guys pay me.”
Josh considered this. “Yeah, but we’d get hurt in the polls if anyone found out.”
“That’s funny,” Donna said, clearly meaning the opposite.
“Could you please take whatshername…”
“Kelly?”
“Yeah, sure, could you please take her over to the communications office?”
“To Toby?”
“Actually, better make it Sam. We don’t want to start the day off with a homicide.”
The Assistant White House Counsel walked through the hallways on her way to see the President. As she arrived at the Oval Office, she was stopped by a Secret Service agent. “Question, what do you need to see the President for?” the agent asked.
“I have some forms for him to sign,” she replied formally.
The agent whispered, “You know I have to treat you the same as anyone else.”
“I understand.”
“Let me see your identification!” he shouted, and this clearly turned her on. After she gave him the ID, he leaned over and whispered, “Will you need … protection later on.”
“Well, I am a small woman, all alone at home, and I’ll be cooking.”
“Do you need a bulletproof vest?”
“I won’t be wearing one.” This caused the agent to smile and she returned the favor as they ogled one another.
Mrs. Landingham, who had witnessed this entire exchange, halted the proceedings before her brain fried. “Mr. President,” she said to him via the office intercom, “Angela Martin is here to see you.”
“Oh no, a Republican! Get away! Get away!!” he joked over the intercom.
Donna was showing Kelly the way to the communications office. As Kelly began talking and talking and talking, Donna’s pace quickly increased.
“Wow, there are like, so many hallways here. I mean, it seems like we’ve been walking forever. That’s okay, though, because it gives us plenty of time to talk and get to know each other, which is sooooo awesome, isn’t it? I mean, I hope I don’t get lost in all these hallways because Ryan says I don’t have any sense of direction. Of course, that was before the creep dumped me so he could run for Senate, but that doesn’t matter because I am so totally over…”
They finally arrived and Donna cut Kelly off by greeting Sam. “Hi, Sam!” she said a bit too eagerly.
“Hey, Donna,” Sam replied, a bit confused by her overly enthusiastic greeting.
“This is Kelly Kapoor. She’ll be joining the communications team.”
“Hi, Kelly. I’ve heard a lot about you.”
Donna slowly backed out of the room as Kelly began speaking. “Oh my god! I can’t believe I’m talking to you! I see you on TV all the time. You are SO cute. I mean, all of the guys are cute, except Toby of course. Why is he so mean all the time? But you are definitely the cutest. Oh my god, so you write everything the President says, don’t you? I guess not everything, because he says some pretty stupid stuff, like with the Queen, what was he thinking?”
“I see you communicate … a lot,” Sam said, causing Kelly to giggle. “Wow, I didn’t think it was that funny.”
“You are sooooooo adorable. I want to just pucker up and kiss you all over.”
“Well, I probably wouldn’t stop you,” Sam joked, but quickly realized that Kelly didn’t get that as a joke, because she ran up to him and planted a kiss on his lips.
“Ahem!”
They both broke off their kiss to see Mallory standing at the door. “Mallory!”
“Hello, Sam,” a clearly angry Mallory responded. “So who’s this? Another hooker?”
“What?!” Kelly demanded.
Josh made his way over to Jim‘s office and walked in without knocking. “Hello, Halpert.”
Jim looked up from his desk, which he had been organizing. “Josh, how’s it going man“?
“Yeah, so I just wanted to make it clear that you report to me.”
“Really, that’s not what I was told.”
“I’m the Deputy Chief of Staff.”
“Deputy to the Chief of Staff? That’s pretty impressive.”
“No, it’s Deputy Chief of Staff, and you report to me.”
“Okay,” Jim said sarcastically.
“Don’t give me that ‘okay’ thing where you’re being sarcastic and think the other person is an idiot. I hate that.”
“Okay.”
“Stop it! Oh, and another thing. My assistant works for me, not you.”
“What?”
“Donna. She works for me. You have your own assistant.”
“Oh, Donna. Yeah, she’s cute.”
This made Josh uncomfortable, although he couldn‘t explain why. “No, she’s not cute”
“She’s not?”
“She is cute. What I meant was… never mind. The important thing is, you report to me.”
“Okay.”
Later that day, Jim had another visitor at his office. This time the person knocked before walking in. "Someone said you needed an assistant," she said.
"Pam? Hi! I didn't expect to see you here."
"You didn't know I still worked here?"
"Well, last I heard, you were working for the First Lady."
"Yeah, that didn't go over so well.
"What happened?"
"She didn't seem to like that the President kept staring at me, in certain places,” she said, emphasizing that last part so she wouldn’t have to say it out loud. “I think that's what led to the..."
"Enhancement? Wow."
"Yeah,” she said with a nervous laugh. “Hey, is this gonna be weird, me being your assistant?"
"No, that's great. We're friends, right?"
"Yep. Friends."
"Sounds great."
"I'm not getting you coffee."
"Wow. No, that's cool. I'm not even a big coffee drinker, so..."
"And don't think you can boss me around like Josh does to his assistant."
"You mean Donna?"
"Oh, you met her?" Pam said, trying to hide any jealousy, because why she should be jealous. They were just friends.
"Yeah, she seems pretty cool."
"Definitely."
"Pam?"
"What?"
"It's really great to see you again."
Pam smiled. "I'm still not getting you coffee."
"How about grape soda?"
"Maybe."
Mrs. Landingham walked in to the Oval Office to deliver a message to the President. “Mr. President, the first lady is on her way.”
The President was clearly not excited by this news. “No, no, no. Tell her I’m in the situation room! No, tell her I’m on Air Force one. No, tell her I’m leading the troops into battle!”
“Mr. President, she knows you’re here. She’s already coming.”
“That’s what she said!”
Mrs. Landingham sighed, “Yes, Mr. President, it is.”
It was a Saturday night and Jim Halpert walked Donna Moss back to her apartment. He’d only been in town for one day and she had agreed to be his tour guide, although they both knew it was code for a date.
“So, I had a good time,” Jim said as they arrived at her front door.
“Me too,” she replied with a smile.
He leaned in to kiss her, and she appeared ready to accept the kiss until a cell phone ring interrupted them. “It’s Josh,” Donna said, with great disappointment.
“On a Saturday night?”
“I’m actually surprised it took this long. I have to go.”
“Are you sure? You could just blow him off. Pretend you didn’t get it.”
“I can’t do that,” she said regretfully.
“Yeah,” a disappointed but understanding Jim replied.
“But I can do this.” She put her arms around his neck and kissed him before walking away. “Hello, Josh. Yeah, I’ll be right there.”
It was Monday morning in the Oval Office, and Secret Service agent Dwight Schrute approached President Scott. “Mr. President, I need to speak to you.”
“What is it?” the President responded with great annoyance.
“We must revisit your protection procedures.”
“No, we must not.”
“Mr. President, working the rope line is ill-advised. I must request you stop that practice.”
“I am a man of the people, Schrute,” the President said. “Got to keep my homies pleased.” The President tried to get back to work, or at least what he considered work.
“There are so many things that could happen.”
“Like what?”
“Shooting, punching, grabbing,
“Okay, that was more rhetorical…”
“…anthrax, bird flu…”
The President got tired of this nonsense pretty quickly. “Stap it! Yap it!”
This silenced Schrute for a few moments, but it did not deter him. “Someone could have a knife and stab you.
“Don’t you do a security sweep?”
He thought about this for a moment before continuing, “Hidden knife. Maybe they swallow it and then spit it out when you appear.”
“That’s disgusting,” said an increasingly annoyed President. “Just stop. I‘m not changing my procedure.”
“Well, it’s your funeral,” Dwight said, but he was soon distracted by a visitor to the Oval Office. “Halt! Who goes there?”
“You know who I am.”
“That’s not an answer.”
“I’m Leo McGarry. White House Chief of Staff!”
“How do I know you’re not an impostor?”
“Because I know the Secretary of Treasury and can have him reassign you to the First Lady’s detail in a heartbeat.”
Nobody wanted to work for the First Lady, not even Dwight Schrute. “Proceed.”
“Mr. President, we need to talk,” Leo said.
“I’m busy, Leo,” the President said as he looked down at something in his lap.
“No you’re not. You’re reading Maxim.”
“No I wasn’t,” the President said as he unsuccessfully attempted to put the magazine away without Leo noticing.
“Look, Mr. President, we have to talk about gay marriage.”
“Yuck! Why do we have to talk about that, Leo?”
“Because the Republicans are putting the Amendment on the table.”
“Can’t we just ignore it?”
“Well, if they put forward the Amendment and we ignore it, then we’ll get attacked from both the religious right and from the progressive
caucus.”
“Ugh, this is so stupid Leo. Why does anyone care?” the President asked as CJ, Toby, and Sam entered the Oval Office for the morning senior staff meeting. “I mean, if Sam and Toby just started going at it right now, why would that affect me?”
“That’ll teach me to be early for a senior staff meeting,” said a pained Toby.
“What do you think, Sam?” the President asked.
“Mr. President, let me just say, I’m flattered that you think I’m worthy of Toby, but I think the correct answer is that it would be inappropriate in the Oval Office.”
“I don’t know about that. You should’ve seen what Jan and I did over there on the Presidential seal.”
“Mr. President!” Leo shouted with disgust.
“Okay, just send someone up to the Hill to meet with both sides and tell them to leave me alone.”
“Well if we’re going to do that, then CJ, I’ll need you to hold off the press for a little bit. I don’t want any questions about this until after these meetings take place.”
“That’s gonna be pretty har… difficult,” CJ said, catching herself before she ran into the President’s favorite saying.
“I don’t care,” Leo said. “Just figure out a way to get it done.”
“You really know how to inspire confidence, Leo,” CJ cracked.
“Donna!” Josh bellowed from his office.
“What is it, Josh?”
“Where is my budget report?”
“Keep your pants on, Josh, here it is,” she replied as she walked in and handed it to him.
“Where were you last night?” Josh asked.
“I was here.”
“No, I mean when I called you. It sounded like you were outside.”
“I was just out,” Donna said, not wanting to discuss the subject.
“Were you on a date?”
“Why? Would that bother you?”
“No, of course not,” Josh replied, not very convincingly. “I just, you know, we’re really busy and I wouldn’t want you to be distracted from work.”
“We could all use a distraction from work every now and then, Josh. Especially you.”
“What does that mean?”
“Well, it’s going to be interesting to see how you react to this.”
“What is it?”
“Well, you know when Jim Halpert joined the staff Friday, he didn’t bring an assistant with him, so they had to reassign someone.”
“So? Why should I care about that?” Josh asked. Donna just stared at him for a moment. “Wait. You’re not telling me…”
“Yeah.”
“Pam?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, I’m fine. It’s no big deal.”
“It’s not?”
“Of course not. Why would it be a big deal? You know, she just works here, and I knew that, and I was bound to run into her again eventually. I’m sure she’ll do a great job.”
“Josh, you just walked in a complete circle.”
“I know that. I meant to do that. Just stretching my legs.”
“You should go talk to her.”
“Look, Donna, nothing happened. Why should I talk to her?”
“Because you wish something had happened, and you’re bugging me.”
CJ, Toby, and Sam walked into the communications office, trying to come up with a strategy for the press briefing.
“Leo is sending Josh and Jim up to the Hill to try and put a stop to this thing,” Toby reported.
“Josh and Jim? Should be some fireworks there,” CJ said.
“They’ll be fine,” Sam said confidently. “What we need to do is figure out a way to dodge questions while they’re working on it.”
“I got nothing,” CJ said.
At that moment, Kelly Kapoor walked into the communications office. “Good morning! Oh my god, everybody looks so…” but she was interrupted by the sound of Toby loudly clearing his throat. Kelly continued in a slow and stilted manner, “Everybody. Looks. So. Great. How. Are. You. Guys. Today?”
“Why is she talking like that?” CJ asked.
“Toby says I’m only allowed to say twelve words before letting someone else speak.”
“That was fourteen,” Toby said.
“Sorry.”
A light bulb went off in CJ’s head. “Hey, I think I just figured it out.”
Josh walked up to Pam’s desk. “So, when were you going to come by and say hello?”
“Hi,” Pam said sheepishly. “I’m sorry, I should’ve told you Friday.”
“No, it’s okay. There was no need to tell me, because nothing happened, right?”
“Well, we kissed.”
“Right, and then you told me it was a huge mistake.”
“It wasn’t a bad kiss,” Pam said with a bit of guilt. “I was just…”
“…in love with someone else. Yeah, I remember,” Josh said, trying to hide the disappointment. “How did that go?”
“It’s still pending. I think.”
“I see.”
“Josh, that wasn’t the only problem. You were in love with someone else, too.”
“What? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Think about it.”
“Michael!” a voice bellowed from outside the Oval Office.
“Oh no,” Michael muttered to himself.
“Halt! Who goes there?” Agent Schrute shouted. All Michael could hear was a loud thump, and then the First Lady was in the Oval Office.
Michael pressed the intercom switch, “Mrs. Landingham, please have someone check on Schrute.”
“How stupid are you?”
“Jan…”
“No, How stupid are you? Answer me Michael!”
“Well, that depends on what you’ve found out.”
“Does it bother you that your husband has a subscription to Maxim? Does it bother you that your husband was rumored to have an affair with a real estate entrepreneur? Does it bother you that your husband constantly makes sexist jokes? These are the questions I have to deal with every day! I’m scheduled to meet the Queen in two weeks. What am I supposed to say to her?”
“Tell her Helen Mirren was hot in that movie.”
“Michael, sometimes I just don’t know what to say to you.”
“I don’t know what to say either, except I love you, Jan!”
She looked slightly disgusted. “Whatever, let’s get to the residence. I told Mrs. Landingham to send over some vodka.” Michael just sat there for a moment before she snapped, “Come on, Michael! I have a flight to catch in two hours. I have to go to Africa to talk about starving kids like I’m some third-rate Sally Struthers.” With that, Jan exited the office and Michael slowly followed.
In the press briefing room, Kelly Kapoor walked up to the microphone. “Hello everybody. My name is Kelly Kapoor, and I’ll be filling in for CJ Cregg today.”
Danny Concannon and the rest of the press corps looked confused. Danny was about to ask something, but with Kelly speaking, he found no opportunity to get a question in.
“Oh my god! I’m doing the press briefing. Isn’t that awesome? So, okay, let’s see what we’ve got today. The president announces this new amaaazing initiative to increase private sector jobs…”
In a congressional office, Jim and Josh met up with Congressman Oscar Martinez.
“Hey Oscar,” Jim brightly said. “How’s it going, man?”
“Jim. Nice to see you again. Surprised to see you working for Scott.”
“Well, you know, it was either that or flipping burgers. Took me a couple weeks to decide.” This made Oscar laugh.
“It’s not Scott,” Josh said.
“Excuse me?” Oscar asked.
“We don’t call him Scott. He’s Mr. President.”
“Oscar, I’m sure you know Josh.”
“Let’s get down to it,” Josh said. “What do you want?”
“What Josh means to say is hello and how can we help you today?”
“Yeah, that too.”
“Well, I’m sure you guys know that the Republicans are planning on introducing the Federal Marriage Amendment.”
“It’s not going to go anywhere,” Josh said.
“You don’t know that.”
“It’s not going to go anywhere!” Josh shouted.
“Look, you guys can keep hiding behind that excuse, but we’re not going to accept that forever. The President needs to make a statement against this bill or the progressives are ready to…”
“Ready to do what? Stop supporting the President?”
“Well, that’s…”
“You’re not gonna do that,” Josh said defiantly.
“Excuse me?”
“You’re not gonna do that. You want to help the Republicans keep control of Congress? Help a Republican President get elected. Of course not. And the President isn’t gonna stand by and let himself be held hostage by members of his own party!”
Oscar stood up and started packing up his briefcase. “I guess this was a waste of time.”
“Wait, Oscar,” Jim said in a more friendly tone than Josh had been using. “Don’t worry about him. Josh gets worked up sometimes. Look, I sympathize with your cause, you know that, and I promise the President, in his own way, sympathizes as well. The reason we can’t make a statement is it will only make things worse. If we make a statement, I can assure you they will put the bill to a vote. They’ll see it as a way to embarrass the President. Give us some time, and we’ll make sure the legislation doesn’t get introduced.”
“Okay, I’ll take that to the others, but it will probably only hold them off for the rest of the day, so make sure you get it done.”
“Thank you, Oscar.”
In the press briefing room, Kelly was continuing with the briefing. “And the First Lady is going to Rwanda to promote a new UN program for starving kids. That is sooooooo cool. It reminds me of Angelina and Brad, who are also awesome, but not as awesome as the First Lady.”
CJ’s assistant Carol walked up to Kelly and whispered something in her ear. “Oh my god, I guess we’ve run out of time. Wasn’t this fun? I’ll see you guys later!” Danny sat there with a dejected look, realizing he wasn’t going to get an answer to his question just yet.
Moving on to another Congressional office, Jim and Josh met up with congressman Andy Bernard.
“Rit-a-dit-dit-doo. Look at what we have here. Big Tuna and Big Burnt Burger.”
“Burnt burger?” Jim asked. “I‘m jealous. Yours is longer.”
“Yeah, the nickname thing never gets old.”
“What can I do for you?” Andy asked.
“We saw you were about to introduce the Federal Marriage Amendment,” Jim noted.
“Yup! And you care why?”
“We need you to… not do that.”
“And why am I supposed to care what you say? Your candidate lost,” he said to Jim. “In your face!”
“Well I work for the President now, so…”
“Looooo-ser!”
“Okay.”
“Look, Bernard, cut it out!” Josh shouted.
“Excuse me?”
“You’re not going to submit this bigoted piece of crap,” Josh declared. If you do, I promise you’ll pay the price.””
“Says who? Your butt?”
“Look, you’ve made a lot of noise about being a fiscal conservative who won’t waste money. That’s been your bread and butter. However, I was looking at a copy of the latest budget. $25 million for an acapella museum in your district. Now, we all enjoy the acapella, but
I’m sure the voters in your district might want to know why twelve domestic abuse shelters had to close down due to lack of funding but your little museum is thriving. So here’s what we’re going to do. You’re not going to submit the bill. In return, we won’t let anyone know about this funding issue.”
“You don’t scare me,” Andy confidently protested. “I was elected with 61% in my district. They love me!”
“Yeah, we’ll see how much they love you after they learn about this. And I don’t mean we’re gonna have CJ do a little press release. I mean we’re gonna find some youthful local attorney or philanthropist in your district who has an attractive wife and two adorable kids. Then we’re gonna send the President to your district to announce this guy’s candidacy. We’ll hold an event at every single one of these closed shelters, making that the top issue in your opponent’s campaign.
And when your political career is over, I want you to remember this very day. Then I want you to call me and say ‘Josh, you were right’. Here’s my number.” Josh passed him a business card.
Andy looked over to Jim, who simply smiled. Realizing he was defeated, Andy let out a shriek and pounded his fists on the table.
“I guess that means we’re done here,” Josh said as he and Jim began to leave.
That afternoon, Danny walked up to CJ in her office. “That was a clever move you did back there.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Using the new girl to stifle questions.
“Well, we like to give new people a shot,” she said, trying not to smile.
“So I guess there’s no point asking you about the President’s position on the marriage bill.”
“As far as I know, the progressive caucus is very pleased with the job the President is doing and I haven’t heard about any marriage bill being introduced.”
“Yeah, Josh and Jim are pretty good.”
“We just hired them for the eye candy.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, but they’re not my type.”
“Young, smart, and handsome not your type? I guess I have a shot then.”
“Good night, Danny.”
“You know, one day I’m gonna figure out how to ask her a question. Then I’m gonna figure out how to get you to go on a date with me.”
“Sounds like you have your priorities in order,” she said sarcastically.
“Well, I can just skip the first part if you want.”
“Good night, Danny,” CJ said warmly.
Leo entered the Oval Office to deliver the good news. “Mr. President, I just wanted to let you know that we were able to get the bill off the table.”
“What bill?”
Leo tried his best to conceal his increasing anger. “The one we’ve been talking…”
“Relax, Leo. I was just kidding.”
“Right.”
“Hahahaha. Got you there.”
“You sure did, Mr. President. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow,” Leo said as he began walking to the door.
“Leo, you did great today.”
Leo turned around and humbly said, “Well, it was your idea.”
“I can say whatever I want, but you make it happen. You always have my back, and I mean that in a non-stabbing way. Thank you, Leo.”
“Thank you, Mr. President.”
“It was a good day,” the President said. “Let’s have more days like this.”
“Yes, sir.”
Josh and Jim returned to the White House with a bounce in their step.
“Who da men?!” Josh proclaimed.
“Who da men? Is that what we do here?” Jim asked with amusement.
“Some of us,” Josh replied.
“Hey, you did a pretty good job back there. The business card thing was a nice touch.”
“Yeah, about that. The business card was one of yours.”
“What?”
“Yeah, I don’t want that crackpot calling me.”
Nearing Josh’s office, they spotted Donna and Pam, who seemed deep in conversation until they noticed Jim and Josh walking up to them. There was staring all around.
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
“Hi.”