She wonders what he looks like when he sleeps. What he looks like first thing in the morning. What he eats for breakfast, and what he watches on TV while he’s getting ready for work.

She wonders why, despite her best efforts, he still can’t quite look her in the eye. She wonders how she messed things up so badly; why she let him get away the first time.

She was so scared of change, of losing what they already had. She was so scared that she didn’t deserve anything better. She knew deep down that he wasn’t just better, he was more than she could have ever hoped for.

He was more than anything she could have dreamt of deserving at the time, but she wonders why, if he believed she was good enough for him she couldn’t believe it herself. He never lied to her, not when it counted.

She wonders what it would feel like to kiss him again. What it would feel like to say something besides “I can’t”. She wonders what it would feel like to have their easy camaraderie back; how much it would mean to her to see the spark back in his eyes.

She wonders if he still loves her after everything she’s put him through. She wonders what he would do if she told him she loved him, that she wasn’t afraid anymore. She’s pretty sure he wouldn’t give her a second chance and she’s destroyed him enough already.

She needs something from him she’s afraid she’s lost forever, and she wonders if she can see him every day and survive without it. She wants to know him the way she used to, the way it was when she didn’t think, she just knew.

She wonders now if he even cares.

Finis