“So, what’s this interview about?

“Yeah, I remember Dunder-Mifflin.

“Oh, a reunion?  Well, I still don’t know what you want with me.  I mean, I was only there during a few of the episodes.

“Okay, whatever.

“Of course I remember Jim.  He was one of those guys who seems really, really charming for like, the first…three months, and then he turns around and dumps you for no reason.  Jerk.

“Well, yeah, he was hot.  He had this whole little-boy-next-door thing going on, y’know?  But then…(leans forward)…he was so good in bed…!

“Oh, he said that? (laughs nervously) He’s just trying to be a gentleman.  He’s into that.  Too bad he wasn’t more of a gentleman about dumping me.

“Okay, what have I been up to…well, the purse thing didn’t end up being a huge moneymaker, so I did Mary Kay for a while, but I couldn’t stand the regional director, so I ended up going with my first love…purses…but now I’m working at Neiman Marcus.

“Love life?  No great prospects, I’ll tell you that…did Jim ask you to ask that?

“Well, I mean…I’m still mad about how he broke up with me, but if he was interested in apologizing…things could happen.

“Yeah, I remember…the receptionist, right?  She was cute, I guess, in a mousy sort of way.  Who knows how she got a football stud like Roy?  That man was a catch.  Anyway, it certainly was a surprise when he proposed like that on the booze cruise.  The same day Jim broke up with me, as a matter of fact.

“So…why is this reunion special happening now, anyway?  It’s not like it’s been five years or any, like, monument like that.

“Wait, Pam’s wedding?  But I thought that was last summer?

“Another postponement, huh?  One would almost think that Roy didn’t really want to marry her.

“Jim wants to see me?  Hold on.  Okay, lipstick refreshed.  He can come in now.

“Jim!  How are you?” (She goes to hug him, and he’s a good sport about it, but obviously releases her as quickly as is polite.) 

“I’m great, Katy.  How are you?”

“Oh, I’m okay.  So, a reunion for Pam’s wedding.  How fun is that?”

“It’s…(looks a little confused)…great.  So, Katy, I just wanted to apologize to you for the way I broke up with you—in fact, I was using you pretty much the whole time we were going out, and it wasn’t fair to you.  I’m sorry.”

“Aww, aren’t you sweet.  I forgive you.”

“I just wanted to…”

“Wait, (it’s just dawned on her) what do you mean, you were using me the whole time?”

“I meant that I was in love with someone else the whole time we were going out, and I was trying to get over her.”

“Oh.  Did it work?”

“No.  That’s why I broke up with you.”

“Oh.  Who was it?”

“Pam.  Who else would it be?”

“What do you mean, who else?  She’s getting married now…finally, and you just admitted in front of the cameras that you’re in love with her?”

“Yeah…hey, maybe they didn’t explain this to you very well.”

“What do you mean?”

“Pam’s marrying me.”

“Oh.”

(Several moments of silence.) 

“Well, it was nice to see you again, Katy.  Take care!”

(She waves sweetly, then turns to the camera.) 

“Can you believe him?  He stole Pam from Roy, and he was just completely heartless to me.  What a jerk.  I never liked him that much anyway.”

“Well, it’s not as if I’m upset with them, or not happy for them.  I’m glad that they’re finally admitting what was going on all those years.  It’s just a shame that they had to hurt a good man like Roy in order to keep their cover.

“Of course they would say that.  They want to look like the good ones in this situation.

“No, it’s not the same as my former relationship with Dwight at all.  We weren’t hurting anyone else in the process. 

“No!  When Roy and I began dating, Dwight and I had been over for quite a while.

“That was one kiss.  And I slapped him afterwards.

“It’s not the same.  I don’t have to listen to this.

(Is informed that yes, her contract does obligate her to at least listen to the questions.) 

“Fine.  What is your next question?

“No, I still disapprove of pranks in the office.  Or ‘chat breaks’, or ‘jellybean breaks’, or anything besides work in the office.

“Firstly, Dwight and I never let our relationship interfere with our workload.  Secondly, Roy and I do not work in the same office, just for the same company.  We’re not there to distract each other during the day.  It’s much better that way.

“Yes, but Roy is now attending church with me, and he is trying to change his ways.  He hardly ever goes out drinking anymore, and when he does, I’m with him to make sure that he doesn’t get carried away.

“Darryl and he are no longer as close as they once were.

“People grow apart.  Or one of them grows up and the other stays the same.

(Shrugs.) 

“No.  I don’t want to go, anyway.  I couldn’t exactly bring Roy as my date, could I?

“Finally.” 

(Stalks out the door.)

“Why do you need to talk to me?  This wedding, if that’s what it is, isn’t anything to do with me.

“Yes, I received an invitation, but I will not be attending.  I’m still not sure that it’s not just an elaborate hoax designed to humiliate me once again.

“Fact: Pam was engaged to Roy.

“Fact: Pam is now claiming to be planning to marry Jim.

 “Fact: Roy is clearly the better husband and father candidate, due to his physical prowess and protection instincts.

“Fact: Pam and Jim have a history of setting up elaborate pranks to humiliate me.

“You do the math.

“I am convinced that there is nothing Jim would not do to see me humiliated.  And, Pam’s not exactly unattractive.  Yes, I do think he would marry her in order to prank me.

“Are they fooled?  Or are they accomplices?

“But that’s what they want me to do…unless!  (Has epiphany.)  Of course!  They were trying to chase me away from the wedding site, so that they could all meet to plan their next work prank together!  That’s why everyone’s involved.

“Oh, I’m sure of it.

“Michael’s not part of it, of course not.  But there’s no one else in this office I’d trust.

“Excuse me, I have to make some preparations.”

“Well, I like to think I helped bring them together. 

“In actual fact, I know I did.

“Well, I did my job.  Which is to be there for my family, my employees.  Jim confessed that he had left Scranton because of Pam, and since Pam was free—well, I had to get them together, right?

“I arranged a ‘work-related’ meeting.  ‘Cooperation between branches’, my ass! 

“Well, they wouldn’t even speak to each other at first.  You have to understand, Pam had  been terrible to Jim, and he’d tried to move on.  He just couldn’t deny it, though, he still loved our little Spamster.  And who could blame him?  She does have quite nice br—brains.  Poor Karen just didn’t have a chance.

“No…no, the first meeting didn’t do it, so I arranged a few more.

“How?  Well, I encouraged my employees, my family, to work harder.  And they worked so well that we absorbed Stamford.  Then Jim and Pam couldn’t help but meet, could they?  I also had them work on several ‘special’ projects together.

“Oh, like organizing the supply closet, and finding Italian-import peaches…I don’t think they ever did find those.

“Yeah, they couldn’t resist too long.  The Michael Scott Matchmaking Service works every time!

“Well, myself and Carol, of course.

“There was also Dwight and Angela, though that didn’t work out in the end.

“Oh, yuck. No, I had nothing to do with Roy and Angela.

“So, yeah…I’m a great matchmaker.”

Jim and Pam were allowed to watch this segment and react to it.

“Yeah, I guess Michael really did have something to do with our getting together.”

“Well, after you got back to Scranton, maybe.  From what you tell me, Call of Duty probably had a bit more to do with the Stamford branch closing!”

(Laughing.) Yeah, probably.  Well, whatever it was (taking her hand), I’m grateful.”

(Teasingly; they’ve obviously been over this before.) “You don’t think you’d be better off with Karen?”

“Nah, I could never love a girl who could beat me in video games.”

“What about all the times I beat you in Mario Kart?”

“Real video games.”

“Because you’re such a Call of Duty expert.  I’ve seen the footage.”

“Shut up, Beesly.”  (They gaze at each other adoringly.)

(Turns red.)  “Yeah, once I thought about it.

“Of course I knew Jim had a crush on her—everyone knew that—but Jim was gone, and he definitely knew about the wedding with Roy being called off.  He hadn’t made any moves that I knew of.  I had no idea how serious he was—what had happened on Casino Night.

“Oh, yes, I’m definitely happy for them.  Jim’s always been a friend, and a great babysitter; Sasha loves him. 

“Pam deserves someone better for her than Roy.

“Well, I…she wouldn’t have.

“Now, thinking more clearly?  She would have been nice to me, but…I’m not fun enough for her, you know?  That’s why she and Jim get along so well…they’re always laughing.  Well, since they got together, anyway.

“Actually, yeah.  I’ve been seeing someone—and she doesn’t seem to mind that I’m not fun like Jim. (Smiles, his eyes light up.) Sasha likes her, too.

“No, no hard feelings here.”

“That kiss on Casino Night?  Niiiice.

“Well, they really like each other, too, so that’s good, since they’re getting married.  I’m just saying…it was hot.

“Yeah, everyone knew that they flirted all the time, but I totally thought that they were just playing around.  I mean, Jim could get girls like that purse girl, you know?  Pam’s nice and all, but compared to Purse Girl…

“And Karen from Stamford.  I mean, she’s really hot.  Really hot.

“But, hey, if that’s what he wants.  And Stacey’s excited about having an excuse to dress up.

“Oh, yeah, they’re letting us play a set before the DJ takes over.  We’re really excited.  I mean, we never did get to do Pam’s other wedding, so…yeah, it could mean a lot for us.  Like maybe one of their friends will want us to do another wedding. 

“Two paying gigs?  Yeah, that would be awesome.”

“Oh, my gosh, is it not like the cutest thing ever?  And I totally think that the makeover I gave her helped.

“Well, yeah, he loved her before, but this way she was, like, irresistible!  Don’t you think so?”

(Camera pans to Ryan, sitting next to her, looking stoically mortified.) 

“Um, I’m just relieved.

“Yeah, when I was sitting at Jim’s desk, before he came back, Pam kept…looking at me.  And then he came back, and I was moved to Dwight’s other side, which was horrific in its own way, and I kept seeing both of them give each other these tortured looks.

“Well, Pam usually did it when Karen would come over to visit him.  Jim would do it when Karen didn’t get one of his jokes, or before Roy gave up on her and he’d come beg her to take him back.”

“Oh, I know!  Karen’s nice enough, and she’s totally gorgeous, but Jim just wasn’t as happy with her as he was with Pam—even when Pam was engaged.

“And now they are so cute!  I never thought that Roy and Pam were that cute—I was just being polite that one time.  I’m so glad that she chose Jim because it’s way more romantic this way.  But I’m totally not saying that Roy isn’t hot, because he really is, especially since Pam dumped him.”

“So…you think DUIs are hot?”

“Well, after the DUI, obviously.  And the beard.  Definitely the beard.  It’s like, all tragical and stuff.  Seriously hot.”

(Ryan contemplates bolting before the next request comes.) 

“Ryan!  You should totally grow a beard!”

(Too late.)