“You can’t marry Roy,” Jim said.

Pam choked on her cola, and just when she was sure she was going to die of asphyxiation, Jim started patting her on the back.

“What?” she squeaked out when she resumed breathing. Surely he hadn’t said what she thought he had said.

His eyebrows quirked a bit at her reaction, but he didn’t get into the reasons. “Whoa, there, Beesly. Are you all right?”

She nodded impatiently. “I’m fine. What did you say?”

His face was grave, and she sincerely hoped that not only were they not having this conversation at all, but if they were going to have it, it wasn’t going to take place in the kitchen at work.

“You really haven’t realized, have you?” he said.

Oh God, realized… Don’t even think about it, Jim, she thought. “Realized what?” she said, frowning and trying to play it off.

“Roy’s last name is Anderson,” Jim said matter-of-factly.

“Ooh, really? Probably should have gotten his last name a few years ago. My mistake,” she said sarcastically. Inwardly, she was shaking with relief at this conversation’s innocuous turn.

“Yeah. And your first name is Pamela.”

She chewed absently on another potato chip and nodded, playing along. “Another astute observation by Jim Halpert, ladies and gentlemen,” she said seriously, even though there was no one else in the room.

“So if you marry him, your name is going to be Pamela Anderson.” He grinned widely behind his soda can, even though there was no chance of hiding it.

Pam groaned.

“Oh, come on, this couldn’t not have occurred to you before,” he said, laughing.

She sighed. “Maybe once, a few years ago. I guess I’ve been waiting so long to get married that I had stopped considering it.”

“I’m telling you, Pam, you walk in this office with that name, and Michael’s going to ask you how your implants are every single day. And he’s also going to tell you he’s seen the tape.”

“Tape?” Realization dawned on her. “Oh, crap.”

“Indeed,” he deadpanned. “He’ll also torture you with the fun facts that he loves Baywatch. Barb Wire is his favorite comic book movie. VIP was highly underrated. Stripperella died too soon…”

“I can just keep my maiden name, then. Also, your particular knowledge of Pamela Anderson disturbs me.”

He ignored her last comment. “Oh, no you won’t. You’re an old fashioned kind of girl.”

She just rolled her eyes at him.

“So, see? You can’t marry Roy. You can’t walk around as Pamela Anderson for the rest of your life. Michael won’t be the only one you’ll ever have to worry about taunting you.”

She laughed because it was ridiculous, and to cover how his protests against her marriage made her feel. “Then what do you suggest I do?”

He shrugged and balled up his napkin, throwing it in the trash can at the end of the room. “Whatever you want. I’m just saying there have to be alternative options to that.”

She shook her head as she cleared the remnants of her own lunch. More and more often these days she almost wished that what he said was true.

Finis