Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author.  The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise.  No copyright infringement is intended 

Laugh in this Life With Me

The Timeline of an Every-Day Love Story

How do we know when it begins? That moment when life suddenly changes? Is it an explosion? A simple indrawn breath? Does it steal into our lives slowly like the night? Does in pounce and roar and let itself be known? How do we know that this is the moment? Or is this just another in a series of forgettable moments that litter our lives? The answer lies unfairly at the end. And the journey is often too long. How do we know that this is the worthwhile path? How do we know to take it? To let this moment move us? To let this moment shape us? We cannot know. Not now. The only chance we have is to close our eyes. Scream as loudly as possible and leap as far as we can. Into the unknown.

Part I: Close Your Eyes

"I have measured out my life in coffee spoons." -- T.S. Elliot (The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock) 

March 14, 2002, 10:29 am

Jim Halpert was a clock-watcher. Had been since he was a boy and his father bought him his first real watch.

It fascinated him, the way time speeds up and slows down. Like when you’re waiting for something and time suddenly slams to a halt, creeping along only at an unendurable pace…the last few weeks of school before summer break… the entire month of December leading up to Christmas…

Or the way time can speed up and throw everything into hyper drive. Entire years can fly by in a matter or moments. And as everyone knows, this usually only happens during the best moments of life.

Blink… and it’s over.

Unfortunately for Jim, his days at Dunder-Mifflin were never “blink and you miss them” kind of days.

In fact, they were pretty much the slowest days of his life.

Sure, a watched pot never boils. Time only slows down when you watch the clock….

He did it anyway.

Every few minutes or so he would glance up at that tiny little screen on the bottom of his computer. Watching those eight hours tick by at an exhaustingly slow rate.

On that day he had already looked at the clock fifty-seven times.

It was 10:29 am.

Two years, four months, sixteen days, two hours and twenty-nine minutes since he first started.

An entire lifetime.

Two hours and twenty-five minutes since he had walked in that morning.

Another lifetime.

All of it slipping by and leaving him exhausted and bored.

Bored to death.

It didn’t help that the office was even more quiet than normal. Kevin was out “sick,” Dwight was back in HR with Toby and Michael was out of the office, meeting with a potential client.

Jim could feel his eyes starting to drift closed. His finger taped the mouse aimlessly and his eyelids were getting heavier…heavier…heavier…

With a loud thump his head hit the desk. There was a soft giggle behind him and he turned his head to the side.

A petite brunette was standing next to reception, her lips pursed together, her eyes sparkling with amusement, “That looked like it hurt.”

Jim eased his head off the desk and rubbed the back of his neck, “You know nothing of pain until you’ve worked here for two years.”

She nodded, “Ah. That thrilling huh?”

He frowned, “Yeah. Shocking I know, because you would think paper would be exciting.”

“Hmm. Right. That’s too bad.”

“Why’s that?”

She looked at him seriously, “I always dreamed of being a paper salesman. Even when I was a little girl. I never imagined that it would actually be boring.”

Jim smiled at the way this stranger seemed to be mocking him. “Sorry to crush your dreams.”

“Well, I might be exaggerating. But come on. What’s more exciting than office supplies? I love it all.”

“Who doesn’t?”

“Oh I know. Staplers and paper clips….”

“Don’t forget post-it notes.”

Her eyes lit up as she laughed, “Oh, I love post- it notes. There’s just something about them...” She bit her lip in embarrassment and looked around the quiet office, “Umm, I’m actually here for an interview.”

“Ah, so you are pursuing your dreams.”

She smiled, “Right. Because what little girl doesn’t dream of being a receptionist?”

“Well, it’s good to know you’ll be dedicated.”

“Oh, extremely.”

Jim unfolded himself from his chair and stepped forward with his hand outstretched, “Jim Halpert.”

She smiled and took his hand, “Pam Beesly.”

“Nice to meet you Pam. Now, I must warn you beforehand. You interview for this job at your own risk.”

“I didn’t realize it was hazardous.”

Jim raised an eyebrow, “Have you actually met Michael? Better yet, have you met Dwight?”

Pam opened her mouth to reply but was interrupted as Michael raced in through the door. “I’m late. I’m late for a very important date…Jimmy! My man! How’s it hanging? Short, shriveled and….” He stopped short as he caught sight of Pam with a slightly disturbed look on her face. He laughed, “Oh-oh. Chick alert.” He stopped and held his hand up, “Sorry. Woman. That’s what you ladies like these days right? Don’t worry. I’m about as politically correct as you can get.”

Pam just stared at him. Jim held back a smile and nodded at her with a knowing glance.

“Michael, this is Pam. She’s here to interview for the job.”

Michael coughed and stared at Jim for a second.

Jim rolled his eyes, “Mr. Scott, this is Pam. She’s here to interview for the job.”

Michael nodded, his face taking on a hint of seriousness. “Wonderful. Pam. If you’ll just give me a moment.” He held his head up and walked into his office with an air of superiority.

Pam bit her lip and looked over at Jim, “So that’s a Michael, huh?”

“That’s a Michael. And later, if you haven’t run out of here screaming yet I’ll introduce you to a Dwight.”

“Do I want to know?”

“No Pam you don’t. You really don’t. Actually, I’d run away right now if I were you. You really want to be stuck answering phones and dealing with... that?” Jim nodded his head towards Michael’s door, “Not to mention the fact that it will be your job to revive me when I die of boredom.”

Pam just smiled and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, “I think I can handle it.”

“Pam, you may enter now.”

Jim waved her into the room and crossed his fingers, “Good luck.”

She smiled at him again and disappeared into the office.

With a shake of his head Jim returned to his seat and glanced at the clock on the bottom of the computer screen.

10: 35.

Another hour and twenty-five minutes before he could go and eat his ham and cheese sandwich in the silence of the break room. He opened up a new game of Spider Solitaire and played until Dwight came back from his meeting in HR and yelled at him about productivity and customer service.

He didn’t mind so much. It was just another way to pass the time.

December 20, 2002, 9:37 p.m.

“To your left Dwight!”

Jim called out instructions and watched in half amusement as Dwight thrashed the bat aimlessly around the room, missing Michael’s head by inches.

“Dwight. Stop It. Give me the bat.”

“No. It’s my turn. Just be quiet! I have the reflexes of a cat and the instincts of a ninja. That piñata’s around here somewhere. I know it.”

“Oh. This is a bad idea.” Toby surveyed the scene with his usual expressionless face and Jim grinned at him. Michael’s idea of having a Mexican themed Christmas party was definitely his most over the top yet. Complete with enchiladas, a piñata and Michael himself arriving in a colorful poncho and sombrero.

Only Dwight seemed to be having any fun. Looking around the room at all the bored faces Jim was pretty confidant that he wasn’t the only one counting down the moments until he could leave.

He headed toward the back with a cup of punch and his cell phone for a moment of quiet.

As he neared the break room he noticed that he wasn’t the only one with the idea. Pam was sitting at a table in the far corner hunched over a piece of paper with a pencil poised in her hand. Jim watched her for a moment, noticing the way that one piece of hair kept falling into her face and the way she would bite her lip as she tucked it back.

“You’re missing all the excitement.”

Pam jumped slightly, a slow blush creeping into her cheeks. “Oh, um, sorry, I just… Well, I just didn’t want to be there.”

Jim put on an expression of mock shock, “How could you not have a good time out there? There’s a piñata and watered down punch.” He held up his cup and took a sip for good measure.

Pam scrunched up her nose, “So tempting. But it feels a little but like…”
“A middle school dance?”

She laughed, “Exactly. Now if there was booze. It might be a different story.”

Jim shook his head and sat down across from her, “No. I don’t think so. Can you imagine what it would be like out there if we were allowed to drink? Utter chaos.”

“Well, I guess it is a good thing. I make a lousy drunk.”

Jim raised his eyebrows, “Really?”

She shrugged, “I don’t know. I just get loud and laugh a lot and lose all sense of balance. Pretty much make a fool of myself.”

“I’d like to see that.”

“Never gonna happen. I can guarantee that.”

Jim smiled and looked around the room. His eyes fell on the piece of paper she was trying to cover with her hands, “What are you doing?”

The blush was back as Pam tried to shrug nonchalantly, “Oh nothing, I was just doodling.” But before she could stop him Jim had reached across the table and pulled the paper away from her. Pam’s mouth dropped open and she ducked her head in embarrassment.

“You drew this?” Jim looked down and the sketch he held in his hands. It was of a large house with vines crawling up the sides and large trees surrounding it. He looked up at Pam who gave him one simple nod.

“This is really good.”

It would have been impossible for Pam’s face to get any redder and she reached her hand out to take it back.

“It’s nothing really.”

Jim took a sip of his punch and scrutinized her face, “You like it?”

“Huh?”

“Drawing. You like it?”

She shook her head and pursed her lips, “Sure, I guess. I mean I minored in college. But, it’s really not. It’s really not practical or anything.”

“Practical?”

“Yeah. Well, Roy and I are saving for the wedding and… You just have to think about those things you know.” She was struggling and Jim could see the pain disguised in her eyes. He decided to change the subject.

“So you guys set a date yet?”

Her eyes lit up a little, “Um. Yeah. I think we’re thinking about this summer. Nothing’s really finalized yet. But I’m not in a hurry or anything. I like the idea of being engaged for a little while. Not forever. But you know.” She looked up at him and nodded toward his cell phone, “How about you and Rachel? You’ve been dating awhile.”

“Oh. Yeah. Um...”

Pam suddenly wished she hadn’t said anything, “Sorry. That’s personal. I shouldn’t.”

“No. it’s okay.” Jim shrugged and spun the phone around on the table. “Yeah. Rachel’s great. And six months is definitely some kind of record for me. But, I don’t know. I think marriage is a long way off.”

“Right.” She looked back down at her drawing, “So what about all this?”

He looked at her quizzically, “All this?

“Yeah. I know this isn’t what you want to be doing. So what would you do if you weren’t here?”

“Oh.” He looked thoughtful, “You know, I don’t know. I don’t think there’s anything else I’d rather do.”

Pam rolled her eyes, “Come on, I’m serious.”

“Sadly enough, so am I. I really don’t know.”

“What did you want to do when you were younger?”

“ Professional basketball player.”

She laughed, “Didn’t work out for you huh?”

“Not so much.” Jim settled back into his chair, “I can tell you what I don’t want to do though.” He pointed back toward the party with his thumb, “I don’t want to end up like Michael.”

Pam tilted her head, “You’re not going to end up like Michael.”

He crossed his fingers, “Here’s hoping.” He looked up at the ceiling and Pam studied him for a moment. No, he was definitely not like Michael. But she sensed some insecurity hidden under his assured demeanor. She didn’t push it though.

Jim downed the last drop of punch from his cup, “I guess I better get back out there and see if Dwight’s decapitated anyone with that bat.” He cocked his head, “You coming?”

She nodded, “In a minute.”

Jim gave her one last glance and headed out the door. Pam bit her lip and looked down at her drawing. Wondered for a brief moment if there was anyone out there who was completely happy with their decisions.

With a sigh she stood and crumpled the drawing in her hand, tossing it in the trash on her way back to the party.

February 27th 2003, 3:34 pm

“Dunder -Mifflin this is Pam.”

Jim looked up from his expense report to glance over toward reception. Pam had a slightly bored expression on her face as she transferred whoever it was on the line. She looked up at him and gave him a little roll of her eyes. He smiled and looked back down at his work.

Five minutes later he looked up again, his eyes drifting toward reception, just to catch a glimpse of her. She had her chin propped up in her hand, staring at something intently on her computer screen. He got up and headed toward her.

“Hey do you have a copy of that memo Toby sent out? I lost mine.”

Pam nodded and reached into her inbox, handing him the top paper. She didn’t look up from the computer.

He watched her for a moment as he rolled the paper in his hands, “Working hard or hardly working?” Inwardly he cringed and mentally berated himself for being such an idiot.

She looked up, slightly embarrassed, “Oh. Uh.” Her eyes darted toward Michael’s office, “It’s Freecell.”

He grinned, “Nice.”

She relaxed and turned back toward the screen, “I figure I should try to do something productive during the day.”

Jim moved to the other side of her desk and leaned over so he could see her computer screen, “My personal favorite is Spider Solitaire.”

Pam nodded, “Also a good one. But not as good as Freecell. So suck on that.”

Jim’s mouth dropped open a bit as she gave him a look that said, ‘yeah, I talked trash, what are you gonna do?’ His eyes lit up in admiration, “Wow. Pam Beesley. Little bit passionate about our computer games are we?”

She ducked her head, “You gotta find something around here to be passionate about. And it’s definitely not paper.You have messing with Dwight. I have Freecell.”

He nodded in defeat, “I’ll give you that one. But messing with Dwight is not the only thing that gets me through the day.”

“No?”

“No. There’s also… Well, the nothing. I am completely passionate about the nothing that I do. See, I figure only about half my day is spent doing actual work. The other half is spent doing nothing. And I am very passionate about that.” He pointed at the screen, “Four on five.”

Pam looked and smiled, “Thanks. I didn’t see that.” She clicked on the card and dropped it in its place. Looked up at Jim, “I wouldn’t call it nothing.”

“Well, I’m not exactly feeding starving children in Somalia.”

She grinned and glanced back at the screen, “You know this isn’t all I do. Sometime I answer the phones. And highlight things. Look at dirty web sites.”

Jim smirked, “Do you?”

“Oh yeah. You know all those obscene e-mail forwards? They’re all from me.”

“Figures.” He pointed out another move on her screen, “It’s always the quiet ones. Sitting up here talking trash and looking up porn.”

She blushed slightly, “Well it’s not all porn. Sometimes I just look up random things. I found a whole website on palm reading I plan on perusing one day while Michael’s not here.”

“Sounds interesting. But only if you promise to read mine first. I really need to know if this is a good month for me to change my hairstyle.”

Pam giggled, “I think that’s astrology.”

Jim looked disappointed, “Damn. But hey. You could look that up too right?”

“I’ll check it out for you. If I can find the time.”

“Oh right. All that stuff that needs to be…”

“Highlighted?” They smiled at each other until they heard a shout coming from the kitchen. The whole office looked up to see Angela and Dwight emerging from the women’s bathroom. She had her hands on her hips and was staring up at him menacingly.

“How many times do we have to tell you to stay out of there!”

“I happen to have top secret information. You’re obstructing a law enforcement agent from his business!”

“You’re a volunteer sheriff’s deputy! Not a law enforcement agent. And stay out of our bathroom!” Angela crossed her arms and glared at him. Dwight stared down at her for a moment and then stormed out in a huff. Everyone watched as he sat down at his desk muttering under his breath and glaring at the bobble heads assembled in front of him.

Pam turned to Jim with wide eyes, “What was that?”

He suppressed a grin and shrugged slyly, “I sent Dwight an anonymous e-mail from a concerned female employee about the illegal activities occurring in the women’s bathroom.”

Pam laughed loudly and then covered her mouth when Dwight glared in their direction, “You didn’t. What kind of illegal activities are supposed to have gone on?”

“I didn’t really elaborate. But you never know. It may be where Phyllis runs her drug ring from.”

“Phyllis is dealing drugs?”

“Oh yeah. You better keep your eyes open the next time you’re in there. As Dwight would say, ‘Be Vigilant.’”

Pam’s shoulders shook as she laughed, “Oh. Jim, thank God you’re here.”

He looked down at her with a surprised expression, trying to keep the red from spreading up his face. His tongue darted out between his lips, “Thanks.”

“I’m serious. You’re the only person here I can talk to.”

He looked thoughtful, “There’s always Angela.”

Pam giggled, “We don’t exactly have a lot in common. I’m not a big cat person.”

“Thank God.” He sighed in relief and folded his arms so they rested on the desk, “Well, I would spend more time over here. But I just have so much to do.”

“Ah, well I’ll just have to come up with an excuse to get you to come over and visit me.” She nodded toward the paper in his hands and grinned, “A real excuse.”

Jim opened his mouth, his face turning red, “You caught me.” He shifted his body, momentarily uncomfortable, “So what did you have in mind?”

She thought for a moment and then brightened, “What’s your favorite candy?”

“You’re gonna use candy? Oh, that’s low Pam. Even for a trash talker like you.”

She smirked, “I play dirty Jim.”

He raised an eyebrow, “Fine. Jellybeans.”

“Jellybeans? Your favorite candy is jellybeans?”

“What can I say? I’m easy to please.”

Pam nodded and then looked over as the door opened and Roy walked in. Jim straightened up and took a tiny step back from the desk.

“Hey babe. Halpert.” Roy and Jim nodded at each other and Jim went to sit back down at his desk. He scratched the side of his face and pretended to stare intently at his computer screen.

Throughout the rest of the day his eyes continued to drift over to her desk. It had become an involuntary action. Like breathing.

At five o’clock he waved goodbye to her and watched as the rest of the office filed out. When he was alone he closed his eyes and rubbed his face. He didn’t like where this was going. He didn’t like the fact that he had begun to need those simple glances in her direction. By all accounts he barely even knew her. She was just this woman that he spent nine to five every weekday with.

He couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment that it had happened. But somewhere in the midst of their conversation that day he had gone from having a small harmless “thing” for the cute receptionist to having a really big problem that dug at the very core of his heart. A problem that was getting bigger every time he glanced in her direction. Every time she smiled at him.

Or maybe it had happened long ago and he was only just beginning to see the way she had taken over his thoughts. The way she consumed him.

He hated it.

Needed it.

He stood up and grabbed his bag. Determined to forget. He wasn’t so far gone that he couldn’t jump out of this mess in the making. He could go home and forget about her. Convince himself that nothing would ever happen. She was engaged. She was in love with another man.

And that would have to be enough to make him turn away.

Only, it wouldn’t be. Because the next day there was a jar of jellybeans on her desk.

July 17th 2003, 7:38 p.m

Jim trudged wearily back up the stairs to the office. He had driven all the way home only to realize that he had left his cell phone and wallet in the drawer of his desk. He had been in such a hurry to leave for the weekend that he hadn’t been thinking clearly.

Dwight had been on a war path all day. Something about improper distribution of office supplies. At five o’clock everyone had pretty much run screaming out the doors to their weekends.

There was something about the office that made it almost eerie when no one was there and all the lights were off. Jim tried to avoid it as much as possible. He was surprised though when he saw the lights still on through the window. There was a sudden fear in his heart as he contemplated the idea of walking in on Michael in some sort of obscenely inappropriate behavior.

Opening the door loudly he yelled out, “Hey is someone still here? I forgot my… Pam?”

She was sitting at his desk, one of her legs tucked under her, eating a candy bar that she almost dropped when she saw him.

“Oh my God, you scared me.” She put her hand to her chest and laughed, “I wasn’t expecting anyone.”

“You weren’t? What are you doing here?” His words had a hint of amusement in them until she looked up at him and he saw that her eyes were swollen and red-rimmed. “Are you okay?.”

Pam wiped her eyes andlet out a deep breath, “Oh, it’s nothing. Roy and I. We just. We just had a fight.”

“So you came here?”

“Um.” Pam’s face went red and she eyed the candy bar, “I actually never left.”

Jim’s mouth dropped open slightly, “He left you here?”

Pam shook her head nonchalantly, “He’ll come back. He always…” She stopped suddenly and looked down at her feet.

Jim could feel something spark in his brain, “He’s done this before?”

She didn’t say anything, just continued to tear at the wrapper. Jim perched himself on the corner of the desk and looked down at her. She finally stopped and folded her arms over her chest, looked up at him defiantly.

“It’s not what it seems.”

“And how does it seem?”

She shook her head, “Look. Roy sometimes he… He does these things and…” He voice trailed off.

Jim clenched his jaw, “Has he every hit you?”

Pam looked up sharply, her eyes wide. “No!” She shook her head vehemently, “He wouldn’t. You have to believe that. He really wouldn’t. I just don’t think that he… I just don’t think that he thinks things through sometimes.”

Jim let out a short snort at the way Pam sugar coated the situation. She narrowed her eyes at him and shot out of the chair, “You’re no better than him you know.”

His mouth dropped open again, “What?”

“I’ve seen the way you look at him. Like he’s this big uneducated idiot and you could do so much better.”

“I do not.”

“Yes you do.”

“I do...” Jim shook his head and bit his tongue, “You know what? I’m not going to do this.”

“Because you’re so much better than me?” Pam raised her eyes at him.

“What!” Jim rubbed his hands over his face in disbelief, “You’re crazy.”

“That’s what you think about me?”

“Oh. My. God. Are you trying to pick a fight with me? I show concern and you act like I’ve insulted your entire life.”

Pam just continued to glare at him until he threw up his arms, “Fine. You want to hear what I think? I think the only reason you’re yelling at me right now is because you’re pissed at Roy. You’re pissed at him and you need someone to blame. I’m the one that walks through the door so it’s me. And I’m not the one that looks at Roy like I’m better than him. You are.”

Pam froze, her body stiff with rage and then without even thinking she reached back and slapped Jim across the face.

They stared at each other for a moment and Pam could see the red mark beginning to appear on his cheek. He reached his hand up and caressed it, flexing his jaw around in pain. Pam bit her lip and shook her head.

“I’m sorry.”

Jim let out a deep breath, “No. I shouldn’t have said that.”

Pam dropped back to his chair and held her head in her hands. “God. I can’t believe I just did that. I’m just… I barely even know you.”

Jim smiled and looked up at the ceiling, “Even more so why I shouldn’t have said that. I don’t know.”

“No. I know how this looks. Me sitting here crying. But Jim, you have to know. I do love Roy. He’s a good guy.”

“Yeah.” His voice was unsure.

“You have to believe me. He really. He would never do anything to hurt me.”

“Okay. And Pam? I don’t. I don’t think that about him.”

“Neither do I.”

He nodded and looked around the office, deciding to let the matter drop. Apparently she had decided the same thing because when he turned back to look at her she was smiling tentatively.

“What are you going to do about Dwight?”

He laughed and shook his head, “What makes you think that I’m going to do anything?”

“Jim. He was threatening to appoint himself supply monitor so that everyone would have to check out paper clips and staples from him. Something must be done.”

“Again, what make you think I’m going to be the one to do something?”

She eyed him pointedly and he laughed, “Alright. I just haven’t figured out what he deserves yet. There was something I was saving for a special occasion. But…” His expression suddenly brightened into a mischievous smile. He reached into his desk drawer and pulled something out. Tossed it to Pam. She caught it and read the label. Her mouth dropped open and she looked up at him trying not to laugh.

“Jim!”

He shrugged, “He’s got it coming.”

“Super glue? What exactly are you planning on gluing?”

He walked over to Dwight’s desk and picked up a few things, “I was thinking about everything.”

“You’re horrible. Where do you come up with these things?”

“I have a lot of time during the day.”

Pam nodded and looked down at the tube in her hand.

“If you’re interested I might be in need of an accomplice.”

She looked up in mock shock, “An accomplice to an infamous Jim prank? I’d be honored.”

She handed him back the glue and together they began gluing down Dwight’s bobble heads, mouse pad, pencil cups, post it notes…

“You think this is kinda mean?” Pam giggled and Jim shook his head.

“Nah. Besides, this is the cheap stuff. It’ll come off with a bit of prying.”

“Ahh, so you’ve thought this through?”

“Like I said, I’ve got a lot of time on my hands.”

Pam secured Dwight’s light to the corner of his desk and glanced at Jim quizzically, “You got any other big plans for him?”

Jim leaned back in Dwight’s chair and folded his arms over his chest, “To tell you the truth, Dwight usually presents me with the opportunities as they come. I leave it up to him to get himself in these positions.”

Pam just shook her head.

“But, I can tell you… and this is top secret.”

Pam nodded seriously and pretended to zip her lips, “Secret’s safe with me.”

Jim leaned toward her, “ I’ve thought about something involving a change in scenery for Dwight’s desk.”

Pam laughed out loud, “That would be awesome. Where would you put it? Oh, I know!” She put her hand on Jim’s arm, “The men’s bathroom.”

His eyes widened in surprise and happiness, “Nice. That would be… Wow.” He looked up at her in admiration and held his hand up for a high five. “That’s awesome Pam.”

She blushed and slapped his hand, “I’ve got two older brothers. I’ve learned how to hold my own.”

“Well, I think it’s decided then, you are my new accomplice.”

Pam giggled again.

At that moment there was the sound of a honking horn from the parking lot. They both looked up and Pam slid off Dwight’s desk.

“That’s Roy. I gotta go.” She grabbed her coat and purse off the reception desk, stopping to look back at Jim, “Hey, thanks.”

He nodded and waved her away. She smiled and walked away. Jim surveyed Dwight’s desk and then looked back toward reception. He sighed and dropped his head into his hands.

February 28th 2005, 9:46 pm

Jim held up his beer, “Here’s to the chance that Michael won’t make an ass out of himself.”

Everyone laughed and raised their glasses, “Here, here!”

As he gulped down his drink Jim looked around the table and smiled. It was the night before a documentary crew was supposed to come and start filming at the office. Apparently, the Scranton branch of Dunder- Mifflin had been deemed the most worthy of the honor. The filmmakers would be following the everyday events of the office, interviewing the employees and attempting to find some kind of story. Needless to say, Michael was the only one excited about having his life invaded in such a way.

In celebration of their last day of freedom a bunch of them had decided to go out to Poor Richards. Jim, Pam, Toby, Kelly, Meredith, Devon, Oscar, Kevin and Creed were all crowded around a table discussing what it was going to be like to have cameras following their every move and whether or not Michael would find a way to behave himself.

“I have a feeling that he’s going to be like one of those kids that turns into a maniac whenever they meet someone new. You know, like trying to get attention?”

“You never know, maybe he’ll tone it down.”

“Unlikely. Highly unlikely.”

“So, are the cameras going to like follow us into the bathroom?”

“I don’t think so Kev.”

“Oh my God, being in front of the cameras is going to be so awesome. I’ll just have to make sure that I’m dressed okay. I mean how embarrassing would that be to wear something totally heinous and have the camera catch you?”

“Yeah, the cameras are great. I used to be in a band and the cameras were always on me. Girls always wanted to have their pictures taken with me.”

“Did they even have cameras back then?”

“My friends and I are starting a Steve Miller Tribute Band.”

“Do you think the cameras will follow us home?”

“I don’t think so. They’re just going to follow office stuff.”

“Oh. Good.”

Meredith and Kelli eventually left the table in pursuit of two men at the bar and the others started drifting away leaving Pam and Jim alone at the table.

Pam tucked her hair behind her ear and pushed her beer away from her, “I can’t drink anymore. I have to drive home.”

“Where’s Roy?”

She shrugged as she flagged down the waitress to ask for a glass of water, “He couldn’t come. Or didn’t want to come. He kinda hates these things.”

Jim nodded and took another gulp from his beer. Pam eyed him and grinned, “How come you didn’t invite Mallory?”

He rolled his eyes, “Funny.”

“Oh, come on, she seems like a nice girl.”

“Pam, she insisted on going to the restaurant where her ex-boyfriend works just to make him jealous, she spent half an hour in the bathroom and then called me six times an hour after I dropped her off.”

“What’s so bad about that?”

“Six times Pam! Six times!”

She giggled loudly and he shook his head, “You are taking way too much pleasure out of my bad dates.”

“No I’m not. You’ve just been having a lot of really awful dates lately.”

He nodded and looked slightly disgusted with himself, “Yeah, I have.”

Suddenly the whole table vibrated as Jim’s cell phone began to ring. He flipped it open. “Hello?” After a beat he grinned and looked over at Pam, “Hey mom. Yeah. Yeah. I was just calling again to wish you a happy birthday.” He laughed, “I bet you did. Yeah.” Pam nudged him with her elbow, “Oh, Pam says Happy Birthday. Uh-huh. Yeah, she’s right here.” Jim blushed slightly, “No. We’re all out with a bunch of people from work. Okay. Hold on.” He handed the phone over to Pam, “She wants to talk to you.”

“Hey Mrs. Halpert. Sorry, Larissa. Happy Birthday. Yeah. No, he’s behaving himself.” Pam winked at Jim, “Okay, I’ll make sure. Did you have a good day?” She laughed, “Sounds like fun. Is the party still going on? Oh yeah. Oh no. I forgot to tape it. Yeah. Yeah. You’ll have to tell me about it tomorrow. Sure. Call me at work. Okay. Bye.” She handed the phone back to Jim who gave her an odd look.

“Okay mom, I’ll let you go. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Mom, I don’t… Okay. Happy Birthday. Love you too.” He snapped the phone shut and slid it back into his pocket.

“Aww, you’re such a good son.”

Jim just shook his head and took a drink of his beer.

“I forgot to tape Law and Order. She’s going to call and tell me about it tomorrow.” She glanced over at him and jabbed him playfully in the side, “That’s not weird for you is it?”

“Not at all. She likes you.”

“Well, I like her. She reminds me of my mom sometimes. Plus there’s that added bonus that she gets to tell me all about you as a kid.”

“No. You’re not talking to her anymore.”

“Why didn’t you tell me about your dream to be in a grunge band?”

“Oh wow. That is so not cool.”

“Do you have any pictures?”

“I’m never talking to my mom again.”

Pam laughed and bumped his shoulder with hers, “She’s just proud.”

“You’re never talking to her again either.”

“What if we promise not to talk about you?”

“Deal.” Jim took another sip of his beer and surveyed the room, a hint of a smile playing on his lips.

Pam eyed him warily, “You know who I’m worried about? Dwight. What’s he going to be like with cameras around all the time?”

Jim rolled his eyes, “I don’t even want to know what the cameras are going to bring out of him. Although…” He beckoned Pam to lean closer and they put their heads together conspiratorially. “I’m thinking I might be able to convince him that they’re not a documentary crew but spies from a competing company.”

Pam’s eyes widened, “Oh…” She fell into a fit of giggles, her hand resting on Jim’s arm, “That is so perfect. Who knows how he’ll act then.”

Jim’s grin widened and he attempted to not be too aware of the fact that her hand was still resting on his arm.

“Yeah, I figure that he’ll either work his hardest to intimidate the cameras thereby acting like a complete jackass or he’ll refrain from talking at all.” He held his hands out like a scale moving them up and down, “Either way, we all win.”

Pam shook her head, “I don’t know how it’ll last a week.”

“To tell you the truth, I don’t really know what kind of juicy office tidbits they’re going to find at Dunder- Mifflin. Not exactly the most exciting work environment.”

“They did say they wanted to follow a typical office. And while Michael and Dwight and Kevin may not be typical, I’d day that there’s nothing more basic than paper.”

“Yeah. But I just think it’s gonna be boring. What do they expect to find?”

Pam’s hand brushed Jim’s as she reached out for her water. She didn’t notice the way he pulled quickly pulled back, “That is true. It’s not exactly Young and the Restless around here.”

Jim looked around the room, “Then again…”

“What?”

“Maybe the cameras will find something that everyone else is missing.”

Pam nodded and thought about it for a moment. Suddenly she jumped to her feet and held out her hand, “I think we need some better music around here. Got any change?”

Jim dug into his pocket and pulled out a few quarters. Watched as Pam ambled over to the jukebox and studied it while chewing on her lip. He tore his gaze away. Tried again not to think about the way it felt to have her so close in the corner of the booth.

Yes, the camera would catch things that no one else did. He suddenly found himself growing self conscious, running his hands through his hair. Lately he had been feeling like those casual glances over to reception were becoming more and more obvious. He would have to make sure that the camera never caught him doing that. Never caught the way that he looked at her when she walked away. Yeah. He could do that. He could pretend for the camera. He stole another glance at her and then downed the last of his beer.

Pam scanned the titles in the jukebox, dropping a quarter in and selecting a song. She thought about what Jim had said. The cameras were going to be on them. All the time. Catching those little moments. Little moments that were not meant for everyone to see.

It hadn’t escaped her that some kind of change had occurred in her relationship with Jim. Over the course of three years he had slowly become one of her closest friends. Her best friend in the office. The one person who made it all bearable. She found herself looking forward to the times when he would come over and talk to her or just simply turn and catch her eye. It was all harmless. But she didn’t want it documented on camera.

She knew she was playing with fire in that. There was always Roy to consider. Roy to think of. She loved him. But knew that he wouldn’t respond well to the harmless flirting between her and Jim. Even though that’s what it was. Harmless. Completely harmless. It was fun. Comfortable. Jim was a good friend. She had learned to depend on him. There was nothing wrong with that. It never extended beyond friendship

Pam looked back over to the booth where Jim was sitting by himself. Waiting for her. Yes, she would have to be careful and make sure that no one got the wrong impression. Not that there was anything to hide.

She smiled to herself and tried to shake aside the worries. No. There was nothing to be concerned about. The cameras couldn’t catch something that wasn’t even there. Right?

April 27, 2005, 9:00 am

“You have 29 unheard messages.”

Pam scowled and punched hit “1” on the phone, her pen hovering over the message pad.

She hated Mondays.

As she jotted down the messages, the phone held between her ear and her shoulder, she watched as her co-workers filed into the office, the Monday morning gloom written all over their faces. Even Michael seemed to be especially down this morning, refraining from stopping at her desk with an annoying new variation on her name.

She saw Jim appear in the doorway and returned the phone to its place with ten messages still unheard.

“Hey!”

He smiled widely at her and stopped to hang up his coat, “Hey Pam. How was your weekend?”

She shrugged, “Not bad.”

“Cool.”

“How about you? Do anything exciting?”

“I uh, hung out with Katy.”

Pam started, “Oh.” She shook her head, “I didn’t know you were going to see her again.”

Jim shrugged, “Yeah, she’s fun. No matching tattoos yet. But, yeah…”

“Um, so what… what did you guys do?” She mentally kicked herself for asking a question she really didn’t want the answer to.

“No much. We went out with my roommate and his girlfriend, watched a movie, I stood outside her house holding a boom box over my head, playing Peter Gabriel songs all night. Nothing too exciting."

Pam laughed, “That sounds nice.”

“Yes it was.”

They fell silent and Jim tapped the counter before turning to walk to his desk. She watched as he made some kind of remark to Dwight and slung his bag over his chair. He seemed to be in a good mood this morning. Unlike the rest of the office. She didn’t want to think about what that meant.

Not that it really mattered of course. She was happy for him. That he had found someone who didn’t use him to get back at ex-boyfriends or call him seven times in the course of an hour. He deserved someone really… nice.

And Katy was nice. Sweet. Really, really sweet. Pam bit her lip and looked over the counter toward his desk. Somehow she had pictured Jim with someone different though. Someone a little less or a little more… not Katy. Not that she really ever pictured him with anyone. It was easier to see him as this guy who only existed in the realm of the office. The guy who came over to her desk and ate her jelly beans and made her laugh.

Outside of the office he was… well, she didn’t really know who he was outside of the office. And part of her didn’t care. Because that part of him didn’t include her.

I’m a horrible person.

Sometimes she couldn’t believe she let these thoughts go through her head. Jim didn’t belong to her. He had a life outside of the office. And he was obviously going to go on dates. Because who wouldn’t want to go on a date with him?

Pam watched him laughing with Kevin about something over in Accounting as she answered the phone. So he was never going to make People’s Sexiest Men of the Year issue. He wasn’t the kind of guy that struck you as being gorgeous at first sight. No, he had something a lot more than that.

It was something more that sneaks up on a girl. Something that has a lot more to do with personality.The dry sense of humor that could always make her laugh. The way he taunted Dwight and mocked Michael and yet never took it too far. Pam sensed that somehow Jim liked his co-workers a little more than he let on, always running into the rescue before they hit complete bottom.

And of course he was chivalrous. In the way that chivalrous used to mean something. Beyond opening doors. Beyond not engaging in degrading jokes with Todd Packer. He was always willing to put up with Kelly’s incessant babbling and he asked Meredith about her kids and bought Phyllis her favorite candy out of the vending machine.

Not that he was perfect by any means. He chewed with his mouth open and sometimes he talked too much or too little. He didn’t always trust his instincts and he had the tendency to fall into serious doubt and really fear turning into someone like Michael. Not that he would let anyone see that. Pam saw it though from her place at reception. Saw the way his face would fall into near sadness at times.

The imperfections only made him more endearing. More attractive. Made his eyes greener and his smile wider.

She watched him carefully as he sat on the phone with a customer, watching the way he always gestured with his hands when he was talking. He reached one hand up to his neck and loosened his tie a bit.

His ties. She liked to tease him about those ties. Tell him that her grandfather wore ties like that. The truth was she liked his ties, liked when he would loosen them at the end of the day and flip open the top button of his shirt. His ties for some reason created the effect of making him taller. Not that he needed to be. His lanky frame already felt so much bigger than hers when he was standing next to her.

And then there was his hair. She loved the tousled, flipped out look of his hair. Wondered if he just combed his hands through it in the morning and came in to work. Wondered what he looked like when he first woke up in the morning. Wondered what it would be like to turn and see him when the alarm went off. To see his lips whisper a good morning.

His lips. A girl could get lost in those perfect lips. Pam wondered if…

“Earth to Pam. Come in Pam.”

She shook her head and looked up into those green eyes. He smiled at her, amused.

“You alright?”

“Yeah. I’m just thinking.”

“Okay. You planning on eating lunch?”

“Huh?” she looked down at her watch, her eyes widening. It was 12:15.

“Oh, yeah. I didn’t realize it was this late.”

“Heh. Lucky you. I feel like I’ve been here for twelve hours already.”

Pam nodded and looked over to the phone, “I’m just going to board the phones. I’ll be right there.”

He nodded and left her. She watched him leave, letting the blush creep into her face. She had just spent four hours contemplating a man who was not her fiancé.

Oh God.

Roy.

How would he feel if he knew?

Pam took a deep breath and forced all those thought out of her head. She was being ridiculous. It was fine that Jim was hanging out, or dating, or whatever with Katy. He could do what he wanted. And she could be happy for him. Because he deserved that. And because Roy deserved to not have her thinking about other men like that.

Not that it meant anything.

Because it didn’t.

Not at all.

 Part II: Scream

"The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone when you're uncool." - Almost Famous 

November 7, 2005, 8:35 am

“Just tell Michael that I’m sick.”

“Pam.”

“Tell him I have the flu. No. Tell him I lost my leg. No. I got it. Tell him I moved to Switzerland. I’m never coming back to work again.”

“Pam.”

“Please.”

“You've already used all your sick days. What’s wrong with you anyway?”

“It’s Monday.”

“Yeah, and you don’t normally act like this. You’ve been weird all weekend. Did something happen at work?”

Pam looked up at Roy as he leaned against the doorframe, “No.” She avoided his eyes.

“Good. Then let’s go.” He began to walk down the hallway. “I’ll be in the car. You have five minutes.”

She sighed and looked down at her half dressed state, her shirt unbuttoned, her hair still in disarray around her face. Reluctantly, she got her feet and started moving around the room to finish getting ready, trying to tell herself that it was just another case of the Monday blues.

It seemed to go deeper than that this morning though. Something was pulling on her. A heaviness. The thought of going to work made her want to scream.

The fact that she had left things so uncomfortable with Jim just made it worse. But that wasn’t even the half of it. She should have known that Michael was going to leave his work until the last minute. Should of know that he would find any excuse not to do work. But as she walked out of there at seven o’clock on Friday night she had had the distinct urge to smash in the windows of his car.

And he didn’t deserve that. Well, not totally.

Pam sat on the edge of her bed to tie her tennis shoes. The sound of Roy honking reverberated in her ears but she couldn’t seem to find the energy to hurry up. He could wait.

One last look in the mirror. She scowled at herself, pulling at a piece of her hair. For the millionth time she contemplated doing something different. Maybe straightening it.

But what was the point? She sighed heavily and grabbed her purse.

Roy listened to the sports highlights on the way to work so Pam leaned her head on the window and stared at the passing scenery.

It never changed either.

“Have a good day babe.” Roy kissed her quickly on the forehead and headed toward the warehouse. She stared up at the building and let her shoulders sag as she walked through the door, rode the elevator up and stopped at the second floor. The doors opened and she attempted to plaster a fake smile on her face.

Michael wasn’t there yet so she headed toward the kitchen. She needed something with caffeine.

Jim was there already pouring himself a cup of coffee when she walked in. He looked up and gave her a half smile, “Hey.”

“Hey.”

She edged around him and reached up into the cabinet to grab a tea bag. Watched him out of the corner of her eye. He took a tentative sip and turned to her.

“You have a good weekend?”

“Yup.”

He nodded, “Great.”

Pam watched as he moved to leave the room and then looked behind her to make sure the cameras weren’t there.

“Jim, wait.”

He looked up her expectantly.

“Are we?” She pursed her lips, unable to get the rest of the words out. Looked up at him with an apologetic face.

He grinned and shrugged, “Yeah. Whatever.”

They smiled at each other.

“Jim. Pam. JimPam. Jam. Heh.”

They looked up at Michael with identically stoic faces as he walked in through the door, “What?”

“Jam. Bennifer. Get it?” He looked at them, expecting some kind of laugh.

Jim nodded and looked at Pam, “Jam, huh? That’s, hilarious Michael.” He looked up at the ceiling and sighed.

“Ha! I know. Came up with that one all on my own.” He coughed, “Pam, I need you to call that guy over at the Lackawanna County Offices.”

“His secretary already called on Friday to confirm your meeting for Thursday at the Radisson.”

“Well, I need you to change it. We’re going to meet at Chili’s instead.”

“Chili’s?”

“It’s the new country club. A place of serious business. This is an important client. We get this we may not have to downsize. You guys could work here forever.”

“That’s. Great.” Pam turned to look at the status of the water she was heating so Michael couldn’t see the look of horror that crossed her face.

“Why don’t you meet at Hooters?” Jim gave a quick look to the camera that had followed Michael in.

“That would be…” Michael looked at the camera, “Ridiculous Jim. Can’t believe you would suggest such a thing. His eyes darted from Pam to the camera and then he turned and headed back to his office.

Pam shook her head and turned back to make her tea. “This branch is going to be shut down isn’t it?”

“Oh yeah. God. But then where would I work?”

She laughed. Jim gave her a shrug and walked back out to his desk. She bit her lip and leaned against the counter relieved that they could just go back to normal. Looking up she realized that the camera was focused on her face. Smiling softly she turned and headed into the bathroom where they couldn’t follow her.

So she wasn’t really sure why she got so upset in the first place. She and Jim had been flirting all day, doing palm readings and heckling Dwight. But at the dojo something had a gone a step over that fine little line that they tried never to cross. And it wasn’t entirely his fault.

In fact, that was pretty much the reason she had gotten so upset. She was mad at herself. Mad that she had let it go that far, mad that Meredith had seen and that the cameras had been on them.

As usual though she and Jim managed to bounce back from that awkward moment, falling back into their pattern of shared misery and laughter. It was something to be thankful for even though she still felt that heaviness. She headed back to her desk feeling like she had no idea how she was going to get through the day.

At ten o’clock Jim walked over to her desk, grabbed a jelly bean and leaned over the counter.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” She looked back down at the spreadsheet in front of her and highlighted something. Avoided his eyes.

“Come on.”

“What? Nothing. Why would you think something’s wrong?”

“You’ve been weird all day. I can just tell.”

Pam looked back up at him and sighed, “I just really don’t want to be here right now. If Michael comes out here and says one more word to me there is a chance that I gonna beat him to death with my phone.”

Jim stared at her for a moment and then leaned down to grab a post-it off her desk. He scribbled something on it and dropped it in front of her then headed out the main door with his hands in his pockets. She stared after him in confusion and looked down at the note. In his neat block writing it said, “Meet me on the roof in five.”

Pam smiled and bit her lip. Five minutes later she grabbed her keys and walked out the door under the pretense of having to go to her car.

When she got to the roof Jim was sitting in a lounge chair, his feet propped up on the ledge. He was hugging his sides for warmth.

“You should have brought your coat with you.”

“It’s not that cold.”

“You’re gonna get sick again. You’re just getting over that cold.”

“I’m fine.”

Pam perched herself on the ledge by his feet and stuffed her hands in the pockets of her jacket.

They sat in silence for a moment until Jim cleared his throat, “Some times I just come up here to breathe.”

She nodded, “Yeah, it’s kinda suffocating in there sometimes.”

He watched her, “I get it Pam.”

“Yeah. I know you do.” She shook her head and looked off into the horizon, “I think that’s why you’re the only person I would want to be up here with right now.”

She said the words so naturally and so innocently. Jim found himself clenching his jaw and forcing down the words that begged to be said. Instead he just watched her in silence as the breeze rustled the hair around her face.

“I just always figured that things would get better some day, you know? Like there was some point to all this.”

He laughed dryly, “At least you’re engaged. You’ve got some kind of plan.”

“The World’s Longest Engagement doesn’t exactly constitute a plan.”

“Eventually though…”

She looked up and caught his gaze, swallowed hard. “Yeah.”

“Pam. If you’re that unhappy with your life…”

“No. I’m happy. I am. I am.”

“You have options.”

“So do you.”

He looked toward the sky, the words rolling around in his head, “Sure.” There was something like defeat in the word and the complete desperation of the moment suddenly struck Pam as being incredibly funny. Jim moved his head to her see laughing behind her hand, her shoulders shaking.

“My patheticness amuses you huh?”

She shook her head, her face growing red as she gasped to get the words out, “This… is… just… so sad.” She dissolved into giggles and Jim watched her with an amused smile.

“You been sucking down second drinks again Beesley?”

“No. We’re sitting up on a roof in the middle of a work day talking about how pathetic we’ve made our lives. If that’s not funny I don’t know what is.”

Jim just continued to shake his head, listening to the way her laughter rolled through the air. It was nice to see her laugh like this. To see her whole face just… alive.

“You’re incredible Pam Beesley.” He froze and looked up, blushing at the fact that the words had slipped out. Afraid of ruining the moment. But she just smiled widely at him and continued to laugh. He rubbed the back of his neck, his eyes never leaving her face.

She finally stopped and took a deep breath. Enjoying the comfortable silence for a moment.

“That felt good.”

He smiled, “I guess sometimes you just have to laugh.”

“Yeah.”

Jim leaned forward in his chair, “Pam, you know that… You know that you’ve got a choice right?”

She looked at him and shrugged.

“Your whole life isn’t written out for you. Not yet.”

“I thought you said that the fact that I had a plan made you jealous.”

“Yeah, it makes me jealous. But it doesn’t mean it’s right.”

Pam thought about it for a moment, “It does get better though. It has to right?”

“I don’t know. I mean, life is never going to be perfect but…” He looked at her and cocked his head, “I don’t know.”

She shivered and looked down at him, “You’ve got to be freezing.”

“I’m fine.”

“I should get back to work anyway.”

Jim stood with her, “Yeah.”

She smiled and then in an impulse threw her arms around him, pulling him in for a quick hug. It was brief and she pulled away quickly, smiling up at him, her nose red from the cold and her eyes bright from laughing, “Thanks Jim.”

He nodded and watched as she climbed down the stairs, “You too Beesley.”

February 2, 2006, 3:45 pm

“Dunder- Mifflin, this is Pam.”

Out of the corner of her eye she could see him look up at her with that face. The one that displayed something like pity.

“Uh, hold please.”

Pam transferred the line and hung up the phone. Looked toward Jim’s desk. He had already turned away from her and was watching his computer screen with a certain amount of scrutiny. She let out a breath and looked at the clock. And hour and fifteen minutes left to go.

It had already been a brutal day.

The rest of the office must have been feeling the same because things were relatively quiet for the next hour. Michael stayed in his office, Pam got all her faxes out and Jim remained at his desk without once getting up to talk to her.

She watched him as she answered the phone and highlighted important memos. Watched and wondered. Tried to ignore the emptiness closing in on her heart.

At 4:45 she looked up to see Jim walking toward the copier and decided that she didn’t want to leave things unfinished before he left for the day.

She picked up a pile of papers that needed to be copied and headed toward him. He gave her a half smile as she leaned her shoulder against the wall and folded her arms over her chest, “Some day huh?”

Jim closed the copier and hit the button to print. Scratched the back of his head, “Yeah. Maybe a little bit too much like sex education day in junior high though.”

“Just a lot more uncomfortable.”

He laughed, “Yeah.”

Pam put her head down and shifted the weight on her feet, “Jim, I…”

“Pam, listen…”

They looked up at each other and laughed.

“You first.”

Jim stuffed his hands in his pockets and looked down at the copies being made, “I just wanted you to know. I didn’t mean… I didn’t mean for it to come out like that.”

“No. I know. It’s fine. I didn’t mean to yell at you.”

“Yeah.” They nodded at each other until Pam looked away toward Michael’s office.

“Um, what were you going to say?”

“Oh. Nothing. Just that.” She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and smiled. Trying to be convincing.

“Okay.” Jim grabbed his papers, tapped her on the shoulder with them and walked back to his desk. Pam let out a deep sigh of relief and moved to stand in front of the copier.

Yeah, some day.

Some week.

No, to tell the truth, the entire year had already been a rollercoaster of emotions. Up and down. Up and down. And they were only two months in.

How would she survive the next ten?

2006 sucked.

The moment on the deck of the booze cruise with Jim, Roy setting the date, Michael’s bizarre foot injury, Jim’s old crush, the realization that it wasn’t so old, the internship. All the events fuzzed together in some sort of surreal reality. Had they really happened?

Pam could hardly process what it all meant. Could hardly process what it was she even wanted anymore.

She wanted to get married. That of course she had always known. From the time she and her little sister had run around the house wearing pillowcases as veils and wearing gaudy, plastic rings. When Roy proposed she had been showered with images of flowers and wedding dresses and cake testing and everything else a wedding entailed. Three years later it had all become a hazy, unreachable dream. But now it was all becoming real.

Too real.

Roy’s drunken declaration on the booze cruise has caught her off guard. Shocked her into a complete joy she hadn’t felt in a long time.

June 10th.

Everything was falling into place.

Yes. Falling was the right word. She had that odd, butterfly like feeling in the pit of her stomach. Like those falling dreams she had every once in a while.

That’s what it felt like. A falling dream.

The complete joy had worn off. Now she was falling and afraid of where she would land.

It confused her beyond anything she had every known. After all, Roy was the man she loved. Roy was the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.

Right?

If so, then why did something feel so wrong about it?

Perhaps it had something to do with the fact that Roy wasn’t always the one she was walking down the aisle toward in her dreams.

That was definitely wrong. So, so wrong.

Still… every so often she found herself reliving that moment on the Booze Cruise. The deafening, roaring silence that felt like an eternity. The way he looked at her.

And the worst part about it was that she knew. Knew that if Jim had said what he wanted to say that night it all would have turned out differently.

If he had kissed her, she would have let him.

Pam didn’t like to think about what that meant.

The simple fact remained that he didn’t. He didn’t say anything. He never said anything. And now she was marrying Roy on June 10th.

Four months.

There wasn’t time for an internship. There wasn’t time to think about the future. She had to write up a guest list and find a place for the reception.

She had to stop wondering what it was he would have said that night.

Pam stared blankly at the copier. Her pulse quickened as she imagined the words coming from his mouth. Or maybe he would have just leaned down… closer….

Confirming everything she had ever suspected.

Michael’s inability to keep any kind of secret really hadn’t revealed anything earth shattering. The booze cruise, the crush, the looks. It all fit together like a neat little puzzle.

Jim had a crush on her. And maybe he always had.

She wondered why. Why someone as amazing as Jim would waste the time.

It was flattering. Frightening.

Somehow it opened up this whole new door of possibilities.

Not that those feelings were reciprocated. Because they weren’t. She loved Roy.

Pam repeated the words over in her head as a daily mantra.

I love Roy. I love Roy.

Jim’s words were there too.

That’s great. I think you should do it.

Maybe she could. It wasn’t too late to move back the date of the wedding. Just a little. She could take that internship and go up to New York on the weekends. She could find a way to make all her dreams work.

She swallowed hard and forced herself to breath.

Reassurance. She needed reassurance. Needed someone to tell her that she could do this.

Pam looked up at Jim’s desk. Needing his quick smile. But when her eyes reached his desk the expression fell from her face. He was already headed toward the door, his back to her. She watched him leave the room. Something in her heart was sinking.

What was the point anyway?

She punched the print button and remembered the pity that had been in his eyes. No. She didn’t need someone to pity her.

That’s what it was. He pitied her. Felt sorry for her. Felt the need to be her knight in shining armor.

Well, she didn’t need a knight in shining armor. She didn’t need pity and she didn’t need someone telling her that she could do better.

She was fine with her choices.

And she was.

They had already been made. There was no turning back.

When she finished at the copier Roy was already standing at her desk waiting for her.

“You ready?”

“Yeah.” She quickly boarded the phones and grabbed her purse and coat. Roy held the door open for her, his hand on the small of her back. There was something comforting in that.

“Hey babe, about that internship thing.”

“No, it’s fine.” Pam shrugged and stepped into the elevator, “It’s not a big deal.”

“No. I just had a really crappy morning and Michael was being a jackass. If you want to do it, I guess it’s fine.”

She looked up at him and smiled, slipped her hand into the crook of his arm. “Thanks. But, um, I was thinking about it and you’re right. It’s not the right time. Besides, we have a wedding to plan, right?” She gave him an excited grin and he laughed.

“You’re not going to turn into one of those crazy brides on me are you?”

“No. I want to plan this together. It’ll be fun.”

Roy grimaced, “Oh, come on baby. It’s not really my thing. You’re better at that kind of stuff.”

Pam bit her lip and shrugged, “Fine. You can be in charge of the music. How’s that?”

“I can handle that. I think Darryl’s brother might know a guy.”

“Oh. That sounds… nice.”

She followed him out through the lobby to the parking lot where night had already begun to fall.

March 1, 2006, 12:37 pm

Sometimes Jim didn’t even really like ham and cheese sandwiches. And who could blame him? Eating the same thing five days a week for nearly six years can wear on a person.

Consistency can be exhausting.

He wasn’t really sure when it began. One day it just hit him that he had been eating the same thing at lunch every weekday as long as he had been working at Dunder- Mifflin. A ham and cheese sandwich, carrots or Doritos and whatever drink he bought out of the vending machine.

There is comfort in consistency.

Every once in awhile he would try something different. He brought a tuna sandwich a few times but Dwight had some kind of weird aversion to the smell and kept throwing it away. So Jim went back to ham and cheese.

Sometimes it’s just easier to avoid change.

There were days though when he hated ham and cheese. Just looking at the thing made him sick. Today was one of those days. He pulled his brown paper bag out of the fridge and grimaced.

Maybe he would just have some chips.

As he walked into the break room he saw that Pam was sitting alone eating her lunch. She had her head bent over the table as she sketched something. He was glad to see it. It had been awhile since he had seen her draw anything. Wedding plans had pretty much taken up all of her time lately.

Jim stood in the doorway and watched her. Noticing the way she still bit her lip when she was trying to concentrate and paused only to sweep that piece of hair back behind her ear.

“Lurking much?” She didn’t look up but he could see her smile. He walked into the room.

“I didn’t know if you wanted to be alone.”

Pam looked up then and shrugged, “Yeah I did.” She kicked out the chair opposite her, “Sit down.”

He grinned and took the seat, emptying his lunch out onto the table.

“Glad to see you’re trying something different.” She eyed his lunch and smirked.

“You too.” Jim nodded toward her mixed berries yogurt.

She swallowed and pointed her spoon at him, “You and I are creatures of habit.”

“Yes we are.” He shook his head and took a bite of the sandwich. It really didn’t taste all that bad after all.

“So what’s up with Dwight? He’s being especially obnoxious today.”

Jim shook his head and rolled his eyes, “You give the guy one award and suddenly he’s the Schwarzenegger of paper.”

“Schwarzenegger?”

“Yeah. It was the first name that came to my mind. Didn’t really work out for me did it?”

“Not really.”

“Wow. The characters on my TV can always come up with such witty stuff on command. Why can’t I?”

“Television isn’t always real Jim.”

His mouth fell open in mock shock, “How can you say something like that? Don’t trash my beliefs.”

Pam giggled, “Well you know, Dwight just might be a robot sent here to destroy human kind.”

“Maybe. Just as long as he doesn’t run for governor. Because that… well, that would be unthinkable.”

“Can you imagine him in government office?”

“Oh Pam no. I would definitely have to leave the state. And possibly even the country.”

“Well, then you would finally have that excuse to travel that you’ve been looking for.”

“True.” He looked up at her and licked his lips, “Actually, I am thinking about taking a vacation.”

She looked up from her sketch, “Yeah?”

“Yeah. I need to get out of here. See the world beyond the trip from my house to work.”

“So where are you going to go?”

“Don’t really know. Anywhere that’s not here.”

“God. I would love to go somewhere. Even if it was just to California or something. I’ve never even seen the Pacific.”

Jim looked up at the ceiling, “You’ve got a honeymoon coming up though right? Where are you going?”

“Oh.” Pam looked down and scraped the bottom of the yogurt container, “Roy and I decided to save up our money a little bit more. We’re thinking maybe next year.”

“That’s cool.”

She nodded and he could see that she was trying to figure out whether or not to say something the way her eyebrows were creased in worry.

“Um, speaking of. I just wanted you to know that you’re um… You’re invited to the wedding.”

“Oh.”

“I’m sending out save the date cards and everything but I just wanted to… you know… invite you in person.”

Jim nodded, “Thanks.”

“Sure.”

“June 10th right?”

“Yup.”

“Cool.”

Pam checked her watched and groaned, “Why it is that the hour I get for lunch is the fastest hour of the day?”

“God’s joke on us all I guess.”

She rolled her eyes and gathered her stuff, “See you back out there.”

Jim waved her off and took another bite of his sandwich. Threw it down on the table. No. Definitely not a ham and cheese day.

He ran his hand through his hair and leaned back in the chair. Not that he was really hungry anyway.

Lately he hadn’t really had much of an appetite for anything except moping around and feeling sorry for himself. Which, he hated. He hated to be that person who sat and cried about everything they had lost. He was sick of being the one sending looks in her direction. Sick and tired of caring so much.

After the disaster in the warehouse during the Women in the Workplace seminar he realized that Pam had pretty much made up her mind. Not that she hadn’t before. Any idea that she was conflicted was pretty much all in his head anyway.

So now it was time for him to make a decision too. He could either be that guy he hated or he could attempt to move on. Make the best of an excruciating situation and just be happy that his friend was finally getting everything she thought she wanted.

And God knew he was trying. On Valentines Day he had seen that Pam was upset. All he wanted to do was swoop in and be the good guy. Give her the card he kept tucked in his pocket the entire day and eventually threw away in the parking lot trash can. Instead, he immersed himself in the debacle that was Kelly and Ryan.

It was all he could do to at least convince himself that he was moving on.

But the simple truth remained that he couldn’t move on. He couldn’t shake her and it was slowly wrecking him.

He needed to get out.

Throwing away his half eaten sandwich he made his way back to the kitchen and watched the office through the slats in the window. Roy was standing at reception talking with Pam. Something he said made her laugh.

It was at that moment that he knew. With a kicking, sinking feeling in his gut, he knew. On June 10th Pam was going to marry Roy. She was going to walk down the aisle. And Roy would be waiting for her at the end.

There would be no theatrics. No last minute indecision. He wouldn’t open his door to find Pam standing there in her wedding dress saying she couldn’t do it. He wouldn’t show up at the wedding and stand in the rafters screaming her name.

This was reality.

It was time to move on.

He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and quickly dialed a number.

It rang twice. And then… “Hello?”

“Sarah? Hey, it’s Jim, Mark’s roommate. Yeah. Sorry to call you in the middle of the day.” He laughed, took one last look over at Pam’s desk and turned in the other direction.

May 17, 2006, 3:30 pm

“I can’t believe we’re subjecting ourselves to this.”

“Shh. They’ll hear us. Dwight would have to put his ninja skills to the test."

Pam giggled silently, her hand pressed against her mouth. She leaned against Jim’s back, peering around him to look up the stair well.

Dwight and Angela had been snippy with each other throughout the entire day. To the point where even Jim was afraid of Dwight’s wrath. The two had been seen arguing quietly at the copier until Angela had given Dwight a death stare and marched out of the office with him at her heels. The whole office had been silent until Kelly had squealed, “Oh my God, they are so having sex.”

After recovering from that image Jim and Pam had seen it as their duty to find out what was going on. They had taken the elevator down to the first floor and then snuck into the stairwell where Dwight and Angela were yelling at each other on the second landing.

“This is important to me.”

“Yeah, well, my job is important to me too.”

“More important than me?”

Dwight stuttered, “I am the assistant to the regional manager. He needs me here.”

“That doesn't even mean anything! Michael doesn’t even respect you.”

“He needs me!”

Jim turned and rolled his eyes at Pam. They both struggled to keep from laughing.

“No he doesn’t! You could leave and he wouldn’t care.”

“Oh he would care. He’s my friend.”

“Michael is not a nice person. He’s a horrible manager and he tells inappropriate jokes. Why do you care what he thinks?”

“Don’t say those things about him.”

“You can take one day off of work.”

“No.”

“Fine. But you’re not getting any cookie for an entire month.”

Jim and Pam looked at each other, their faces drawn up in identical horror.

Dwight looked startled for a moment, “You can’t do that.”

“Really? Because I think I can. And I will.”

“But what if you get hungry?”

“I’m never that hungry.”

Pam snorted. A little too loudly. Her eyes went wide and she clapped her hand over her mouth. On instinct Jim spun around and pushed her back against the wall as Dwight and Angela peered over the railing.

“Who’s there?”

“Dwight! You’re so paranoid. No one’s there.” They could hear Angela stomp back up the stairs and slam the door behind her. It opened and shut again as Dwight followed her out, mumbling something about asking for the time off.

Pam let out a sigh of relief and giggled, “Thank God.” She looked up at Jim and froze as she realized the position they were in against the wall.

In pulling her out of Dwight’s sight, Jim had pushed her against the wall where she now stood looking up at him in a sort of fright. His whole body was pressed lightly against hers, his hands pressed against the wall on either side of her head. He was looking down at her with that look. The one she had seen on the booze cruise.

Suddenly she couldn’t breathe.

Every coherent thought flew from her head...rationality, reason, practicality…all she knew was him and the way he would looking down at her like he could get lost in her eyes.

Move.

She should move. But he kept looking down at her, his eyes darkening, his lips parting slightly.

Her heart began to beat faster. So fast that she wasn’t even sure it was beating anymore, just making this hard whirring sound in her ears.

Or, oh God. Maybe it was his.

He didn’t say a word and her eyes didn’t leave his but she could feel the way his hand moved to her hair, his fingers trailing through the curls. He pulled gently on one piece and watched it spring back up. Pam thought her entire stomach was going to turn inside out.

A heat was spreading from her forehead to her toes, like her entire body was blushing, inside and out.

Move.

Her eyes lowered to his tie. She loved his ties. This one was brown…and soft. Her fingers moved from the knot at his neck to the middle of his chest, the way she had seen Katy do once. But she wasn’t thinking about Katy. And he wasn’t thinking about Roy. And she was fingering his tie and tugging on it gently.

Jim groaned softly and Pam was so close that she could feel it rumble deep in his chest.

Her heart stopped.

She looked back up at him and noticed the way his eyes darted from hers to the trace of her mouth. The way his tongue darted out to wet his lips. He tipped his head down.

Closer.

The world went foggy.

Jim’s mouth was only inches from her ear. She could feel his breath on the side of her face.

Warmth.

He smelled like soap and fabric softener.

She breathed him in and his head ducked lower.

Lower.

Lips grazed her neck.

And everything exploded.

Pam moaned, her knees buckling. She tightened the grasp on his tie, her head falling back.

Needing more.

Jim’s hand moved from her hair, down her arm.

Their fingers intertwined.

She really was dying.

Slowly.

His lips moved further down her neck.

Tasting her.

He kissed her shoulder, brushed his thumb over the inside of her wrist, pressed closer when she moved against him.

Time stopped.

Leave us here.

They stood there together like that, holding each other until he moved away slightly, bringing his eyes up to hers.

All she could see was green. He blinked.

Then a rush… time, reason, practicality... all came pouring back down on them.

She moved away, her head falling down, her forehead pressing against his chest. He went rigid as the tears began to form in her eyes. She swallowed hard and looked back up at him, her eyes pleading.

“Jim.”

Say it.

“I…um.” The silence was deafening. How long had they been standing there?”

He was pulling away. The look in his eyes had changed. Now it was just sadness. Sadness and fear. He gave her a bit of a shrug and spoke for the first time.

“I’m sorry.” His voice cracked and he took a step back, “I better get back. I’m waiting on a call.”

He turned and Pam let go of his tie, his hand, letting her hands fall to her sides, her chin dropping to her chest. She didn’t watch as he jogged up the stairs.

Her body jumped at the slamming door above her and she put her hand to her mouth, trying to choke back the sobs that were threatening to consume her body.

It wasn’t supposed to come to this. They had been doing so well. Finally gotten back to the humor that defined them. It was comfortable.

Too close. Too much.

Leaning against the wall, the emotion built in her chest. She needed to scream. Her head was going to explode. With a shaky hand she touched her neck. Where his lips had been. Where they shouldn’t have been.

“Shit.” The word was quiet as she said it. As she said it over and over and over until it echoed around the stairwell.

This couldn’t happen. She couldn’t do it to Roy. To Jim… To herself.

No.

She took a deep breath and pulled herself away from the wall, wiped her eyes and let her mind go blank.

The walk back up to the office seemed like an eternity. Jim was already at his desk when she walked back in. He didn’t look up. He didn’t look up for the rest of the day. At 5:00 he walked out the door without a single word.

Pam watched him leave. Felt something slip away in that moment and knew that nothing would ever be the same.

May 17, 2006, 3:34 pm

Pam snorted and then clasped her hand over her mouth. Jim spun around and pushed her back against the wall out of Dwight and Angela’s sight. He waited to hear them disappear back up the stairs and sighed in relief. Looked down…

She was pressed against the wall and his hands were resting on either side of her head. Their bodies were pressed so close together that he could feel the rise and fall of her chest with each breath she took. The way her heart started beating faster when she looked up at him.

Or maybe that was his.

He tried to look away. Tried to push away that nagging voice in his head. Pulled his hand away from the wall, prepared to take a step back. But she was still looking up at him.

Her eyes weren’t telling him to leave.

And his hand was in her hair. Pulling gently on one little curl and watching the way it sprang back. It mesmerized him.

Until he felt her move. Knew that she was going to push him away. Yell at him like she had done before.

Then her hand was on the knot of his tie and he felt like he was choking.He swallowed. Hard. She bit her lip and stared at the pulse in his throat as if she was contemplating what to do next.

I love you.

Her hand moved down, tugging on the tie and Jim leaned forward with the sudden motion. A groan rose in his chest and he felt something like butterflies low in his stomach, the same burning he felt every time she smiled back at him. Only this time she was pressed against him and pulling on his tie and looking at him like she might die too.

His eyes darted to her lips which parted slightly at his gaze.

Oh God.

It was real.

He moved closer and her eyes began to flutter closed.

She wants this too.

Needs it.

Not yet.

He moved his head until his mouth was right next to her ear. She still didn’t move away and he was breathing like he had just run a mile.

Lower.

Praying with each movement, he moved lower until his lips just brushed the soft skin on her neck. He heard the soft noise she made and felt the way she yanked harder on his tie and he wondered how much longer his legs were going to hold. Something in the back of his head told him that he was doing something wrong but he had forgotten that there was a man out there named Roy and a place called Dunder- Mifflin and that there was existence outside the stairwell.

All that mattered was that Pam was holding onto him for dear life and making noises he hadn’t even dared to dream about and letting him, dear God, letting him kiss a trail down her neck and over her shoulder.

She tasted like summer.

He was lost.

Leave us here.

…Breathing into her, afraid to look up, lips pressed into her shoulder, her heart pounding into his, unsure of where she left off and he began…

Looking up, he sought her eyes, searching them… finding need, warmth…and something else.

He saw himself. And he saw fear.

And he hesitated…

Then she really was moving away and burying her face in his shirt.

It was over and he wasn’t even sure if he knew how to comfort her anymore.

She looked back up at him and he could see the tears pooling in her eyes. Her eyes frantically searched him, asking him a silent question. He tried to answer. Tried to give her something.

Say it.

The words never came.

“Jim. I… um…”

How much of their relationship had been defined by fragmented sentences and heavy silence?

Jim pushed himself away from the wall, away from her. She was still holding onto his tie and he was surprised to find her hand in his.

He shrugged, “I’m sorry. I better get back. I’m waiting on a call.”

She dropped the tie and he let go of her hand and turned to jog up the stairs. He walked quickly through the fire door at the top. When the door shut behind him he stopped for a moment. Needed to regain his breath.

Needed to regain some semblance of reality.

The tightness in his chest increased and he clenched his fists. How could she do this to him?

How could he do this to himself?

Why did he have to hesitate?

“Shit!”

He slammed his hand into the wall and than grimaced at the pain that shot up his arm. Tears sprang to his eyes but he shook his head and swallowed hard.

It was over.

Rubbing his arm he walked back into the office, ignoring the glare from Dwight. A few minutes later Pam walked in. He didn’t look up. He didn’t say another word the rest of the day.

At 5:00 he grabbed his bag and walked out the door. No word goodbye, no tap on her desk, no smile.

Nothing.

June 7th 2006, 10:29 pm

“Jim.”

He stopped. Stopped and waited.

Four years, two months, twenty-four days and twelve hours.

She had said his name a thousand times before and he had pictured this moment a million more, only this time it was real and she was saying his name like it might be the last time.

He usually loved the way she said this name.

This time was different.

Because the clock was running down and it really did feel like it was the last time.

The last chance.

Four years, two months, twenty-four days and twelve hours had brought them to this place. This parking lot. On this night. As if it had been fated from the moment they met each other.

Had that much time really passed?

It was all so fast. So blurred. Jim tried to find a memory somewhere in there. Something solid to hold onto. But all he could see was the stranger who had laughed at him on that first day and the stranger standing behind him now who was saying his name like it might be the last time.

He held his breath. And waited.

Knowing already what was going to happen.

Ten minutes earlier he had slipped out of his own goodbye party without telling anyone. He had every intention of getting into his car and driving off without a single look back.

Something stopped him. Made him stay in the parking lot, leaning against the hood of his car, staring into a starless night.

Waiting for her.

As if he already knew that she would get a headache from all the monotony and noise and decide to head outside for some fresh air and not turn around when she saw him standing out there too.

It was happening like he always knew it would.

And when he had heard her quiet footsteps coming toward him he hadn’t even bothered to turn his head.

“Hey.”

“Hey, what are you doing out here? You’re missing your own party.”

His mouth turned up a bit at the corners but he still didn’t look at her. He cleared his throat, “Anything interesting happening in there?”

“Meredith offered to give Michael a lap dance.”

This made him look at her, a horrified expression on his face, “Are you serious?”

“No.” She was laughing.

He shook his head, “Don’t make jokes like that Pam. That is just wrong.”

She smiled and let out a puff of air, “Seriously though, what are you doing out here?”

He shrugged, “I don’t really know.”

She moved to stand next to him, “So…are you getting excited?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I am. It’ll be nice. To get away.” He looked down, “How about you?”

“What?”

“You’ve got to be excited about the wedding. It’s only a couple days away.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

Jim inhaled sharply and clenched his jaw. Pam pretended not to notice, looking up at the window in Michael’s office. Jim followed her gaze. Wondered if anyone could see them out here. Wondered what they looked like from up above.

Probably like a couple of lost idiots.

He felt angry all of a sudden.

“I’m actually surprised that you were able to make it here tonight. With all the wedding plans and all.”

He hadn’t really meant for the words to come out so bitterly. Or maybe he did. Whatever the intention, he hated how hurt her eyes were when she looked back at him.

“I… actually, everything’s pretty much done. All that’s left to do is…”

“Get married.”

“Yeah.”

Jim tore his eyes away from hers, picturing the way she would look walking down the aisle, her hair in curls, her smile lighting up her face…

“Well, for your sake I hope Dwight and Michael behave themselves.”

Pam groaned and hid her face in her hands, “I can’t believe I had to invite them. If Roy hadn’t announced the date on the booze cruise I could have lied about when it was or…”

“Sent them to the wrong place?”

“Exactly.” Her eyes lit up, “Dammit. Why didn’t I think of that before? I could have sent them to Chuckee Cheese or something.”

Jim laughed, “And you know Michael would have fallen for it.”

They both laughed at the image of Michael showing up in a suit and tie with a wedding gift to some poor unsuspecting kids birthday party.

“Oh God, what if he tries to give a toast or something?”

“I think you have to worry more about the fact that he just may try to do some more motivational dancing.”

Pam grimaced, “My little sister is going to be there. She’s too young to witness something like that… I’m too young to witness something like that.”

“Well, keep feeding him cake and maybe he’ll behave himself. You are serving ice cream cake right?”

“Oh yeah. Mint chocolate chip.”

He laughed, “As much as I would love to see Michael try to hit on one of the bridesmaid’s with his mouth full of cake…”

“I wish you were going to be there.” She tried to swallow back the words. But there they were.

The smile slid off Jim’s face, “Yeah, well…”

It fell silent again and Jim fought back the desire to turn around and bash in the window of his Corolla.

It wasn’t fair.

The past two weeks had been torturous. Their relationship had been reduced to strained hellos and goodbyes. It was the first time they hadn’t been able to just bounce back from awkwardness.

Perhaps because the moment in the stairwell had sailed past awkward and landed somewhere out of the realm of human understanding.

Neither of them knew what to do with it.

So they did nothing.

They never talked anymore and laughed even less. Jim never looked in her direction and spent more time on the phone and Pam attempted to shrink behind her computer screen so she couldn’t see him.

She was still there though and Jim knew this and used every ounce of strength he had not to think about what the end of two weeks meant. What the end of four years, two months, twenty-four days and twelve hours meant.

And it took even more to not think about what had happened in that stairwell.

Not that he was ever successful.

The image assaulted him randomly throughout the day. Talking on the phone to a client, standing in line at the grocery store, shaving at the sink in the morning…. He would remember the way her skin had felt against his lips, the smell of her hair, the fit of her body against his.

Only the problem was, he had gone back to the moment so many times that he was beginning to wonder if it had ever been real. He remembered it now as if it hadn’t been him. He was only watching. Relegated to spectator. Nothing more.

The surreal memory came to him again in that parking lot as he leaned against his car.

Pam’s eyes were on him and he wondered if she was remembering it too.

He shuffled his feet and pushed off from the car, “I’m gonna go.”

Pam’s smiled disappeared and she pointed back toward the office, “The party…”

“I don’t think they’ll miss me. Just, tell everyone I said goodbye.” He fished his keys out of his pocket and opened up the car door.

Pam moved toward him hesitantly.

For a moment he wondered if she could actually take that step. He turned quickly before she had a chance to make the decision.

“Pam, I…” He shook his head and smiled to himself. “Being happy… It shouldn’t be so hard. I mean, we make these decisions and…”

She stared at him warily, “I am happy.”

Jim shut the car door again and took a step closer to her, “Are you?”

The discussion was starting to veer into oddly familiar territory and Pam shook her head defiantely, “Yes! I’m happy! Will you quit trying to make me feel like I’m not? What makes you so miserable?”

“We’re not talking about me.”

“Yes we are. You say it shouldn’t be so hard to be happy. Then why are you running away?”

Jim rubbed the back of his neck and let out a gasp of air, “The thing is… I already know what makes me happy. But I’m not running from it…” He caught her gaze and held it determinedly. “It’s running from me and I… I can’t…I can’t do it anymore.”

Their eyes didn’t leave each other and Pam was shaking and Jim wanted nothing more than to reach out and pull her into his arms.

He didn’t.

“What makes you happy Pam?”

She folded her arms and looked down at the ground. “I don’t… I don’t know.”

He closed his eyes and exhaled, “I have to leave.”

Pam didn’t move so he turned around, opened the door again…

“Jim.”

Four years, two months, twenty-four days and twelve hours.

He froze.

Waited.

Seconds passed. Or hours.

He was waiting for her to say something. She was waiting for him to do something.

Slowly he turned to her, his hand still on the car door. His face was expressionless.

Still waiting.

She took a deep breath and opened her mouth.

“Have a good time.”

Jim gave her a quick nod and a knowing smile.

Yes, this was the way it was supposed to happen. The way he had imagined it a million times before.

As he drove out of the parking lot he glanced down at the clock on the stereo.

10:32 pm.

It was time to start over.

But God, if it didn’t hurt like hell…

June 8th 2006, 9:36pm

“Oh, look how cute you are here.”

Pam leaned down to look at the photo in her mom’s hand. She scrunched up her nose and grabbed it away, “Ew. Mom. That’s horrible.”

“I think you look nice.”

“I was in seventh grade. No one looks nice in seventh grade.”

“Let me see. Let me see.”

“No.”

“Oh come on. I want to make fun of you too.”

Emily reached out and snatched the picture away, glanced down at it and burst into laughter. “Oh my God. Are you wearing kulots?”

Pam rolled her eyes at her mom, “You suck.”

Her mom shrugged and picked up another picture, “I thought you looked nice.”

Emily giggled again and threw the photo back in Pam’s direction, “And to think, Roy still wants to marry you.”

“Shut up.”

“Girls.” Lynn Beesley shook her head, “I thought you were too old for this.”

The two sisters stuck their tongues out at each other, “Apparently not.”

“You’re just mad because I’m making you wear a dress this weekend.”

“A pink dress! You know I hate pink.”

“I like pink.”

“You’re such a girl.”

“I am a girl.”

“You’re a dork.”

Pam sat back against the couch and eyed her younger sister’s dark eyeliner and messy hair. The two really were as different as night and day. Pam was the older, quiet, responsible sister. Emily was nineteen, still loved to rebel and refused to be told what to do.

“Just promise me you’ll at least brush your hair for Saturday.”

Emily tossed her long locks, “I like my hair. My friends call it sex hair.”

Pam snorted and Lynn glared at her youngest daughter, “Emily!”

“What?” Emily shrugged and pushed aside the box of pictures she was looking through, “I’m tired.”

Lynn looked at her watch, “Hmm, yeah I guess we should probably get going.” She leaned over and cupped Pam’s chin, “You should probably get some sleep too. You look exhausted.”

Pam bit her lip and shrugged away from her mom, “Oh. You don’t have to go yet. It’s not really that late… You can stay…”

But her mom and sister were already standing up and gathering their things. She looked up at them and swallowed.

She didn’t want to be alone.

It was too quiet when she was alone.

There was too much time to think when she was alone.

“We’ve got some things to take care of anyway. But I’ll call you in the morning.” Her mom lingered in the doorway, “And seriously sweetie, get some sleep.”

Pam nodded.

“Bye Hammy.”

She smiled at her sister’s pet name for her, “Bye Em.”

The door shut with a faint click and Pam was left alone in the middle of the living room surrounded by pictures.

Emily and her mom had come over earlier in the evening for dinner and a chance to relax before wedding events really began the next day. After dinner her mom had insisted on taking the obligatory trip down memory lane.

Pam hated it and with each photo the throbbing in the back of her head intensified and the more she felt like screaming at the top of her lungs.

But like the good bride- to- be that she was, she plastered a smile on her face and pretended to be having a good time.

The smile was gone now. Replaced by an empty apartment that was much too quiet and the realization that Roy probably wouldn’t be back from his bachelor party for hours.

She really wished that his brothers hadn’t insisted on throwing the party only two nights before the wedding.

Knowing they were involved didn’t exactly bode well for Roy’s promise that he would stay sober for the weekend and she was pretty sure that he wouldn’t be home until well after midnight with cigar stench permeating his clothes and alcohol on his breath

She sighed and grabbed a photo off the top of the nearest stack. It was the one of her and Roy dressed up for her high school prom. They were both grinning widely and looking at each other like they didn’t even notice the camera.

Pam ran her finger over the glossy finish. Trying to remember what it felt like to smile like that.

Tossing the picture aside she leaned her head back on the couch and wondered briefly how long the flight was to Australia.

A loud vibrating startled her and she looked up to see her cell phone about to fall off the coffee table. She launched herself at it before it hit the ground.

Recognizing the number she smiled and flipped it open, “Hey.”

“Oh my God, you answered your phone! I thought you’d be all busy with wedding stuff right now.”

“Oh, yeah. Not tonight. Roy’s got his bachelor party and my mom and Emily just came over for dinner. They just left. Why are you screaming?”

The voice on the other line laughed, “Sorry, it’s kind of loud out here. I’m at a beach barbeque.”

“Where?”

“You’ll never believe. California! It’s crazy right? I’m in London with a bunch of friends and we run into this other group who say they’re all the way from California. Obviously we all hit it off because at least it’s not another person who’s going to make fun us for being American.”

“Obviously.”

“Anyway, so two days before we’re supposed to leave they ask us if we want to come back to So. Cal. with them. Of course we say yes, because hell, it’s California and they have a beach house and how often do a bunch of east coasters get the chance to stay in a beach house right on the Pacific Ocean? So we trade in our tickets, spend a butt load more money and now here I am!”

Pam laughed, “You are insane.”

“I know right? And guess what?”

“You met a guy?”

“How did you know?”

“Jenny, every time you start a sentence with, ‘guess what’, it always ends with ‘I met a guy.’”

Jenny laughed, “You know me too well.”

“So, what’s his name?”

“John. And Pam, you’re going to love him. I can’t wait for you to meet him. Because the greatest thing is he’s from New York too. We like live in the same neighborhood or something. How crazy is that? I’m sitting in this café in Paris and I hear this guy with a New York accent, introduce myself and it turns out that we went to the same junior high.”

“Small world.”

“I know! That’s what I said. Anyway, he’s been traveling all around Europe like me and he’s on his way home too. We’re going to be working like down the street from each other!”

“That’s amazing.”

“Yeah. Oh, God but Pam. The reason I called… since I’m in California I’m not going to be able to make the wedding.”

“Yeah, I kinda figured.”

“I am so sorry. Really, I am. I know we promised we would be at each other’s weddings. But I couldn’t pass it up. Seriously.”

“No. I understand. God, I’m jealous that I’m not there with you.”

The line went quiet for a moment and Pam thought she had lost the connection, “Hello?”

“Are you okay?”

“What?”

“You’re just sorta quiet.”

“Jenny, I think you talk enough for the both of us.”

“That’s so not true. And seriously, you’re about to get married. Shouldn’t you be all like bubbly and giggly and shit?”

Pam snorted, “Have I ever been?”

“Yeah, when you’re really excited about something. Or drunk. I don’t think you’re quite the downer you think you are.”

“Jenny….”

“You know, I’m going looking for a roommate in New York. This thing with John’s great but I don’t really think we’re in that ‘hey lets move in together’ place yet. And you know I can’t live alone.”

“Um…” Pam shook her head in confusion.

“It would be fun. Old roommates back together again. And you could get a job here. Something with art. I could ask around.”

“Jenny, you do realize that I’m getting married in two days? I don’t think Roy would be too thrilled if his wife suddenly decided to move to New York.”

“Yeah, I know… it was just an offer. Keep it in mind. Okay?”

There was something in her voice that Pam wasn’t ready to recognize.

“Okay…”

“Listen, Pam, I gotta go. My cell phone bill is going to be ginormous. But umm… what exactly do you say to someone about to get married? Happy Wedding?”

Pam giggled, “I think congratulations works.”

“Okay. Congratulations. And I want to see pictures when I get back.”

“You too.”

“Love you.”

“Love you too.”

Pam snapped the phone shut and set it down on the floor. She shook her head and smiled.

Jenny was a force of nature that she could never quite figure out.

When the two had been paired to live with each other in the freshman dorms Pam had been pretty sure that it was going to be a disaster. But somehow it worked. Their varying personalities played well off each other. And she liked the way she felt when she was with Jenny. Like it was okay to be a little crazy.

Kind like the way she felt when she was with…

She shook her head and tried to imagine being on a warm beach in California with the sand in between her toes and the sun beating down on her skin. Tried to imagine being any place but Scranton.

It was hard.

The apartment was too cold and she had long since given up the dream of ever getting too far away from this place.

When she was younger she had always talked about traveling. Going to Europe, Asia, traveling the world, blah, blah, blah…

In the end that’s all it was anyway, a bunch of talk.

Because the chance had been there. When Jenny and a couple of other friends left for Europe she was supposed to go with them. She was supposed to get on that plane and finally do something other than talk.

At the last moment though she had decided to stay with Roy. Move in with Roy. Get engaged to Roy. Live Roy’s life.

Three years ago that had been fine. But now…

Pam wrapped the blanket tighter around herself.

I’m fine with my choices

The real problem was that the dreams were coming back and suddenly she wasn’t so fine with all her choices.

She was beginning to resent the things that held her back.

Roy.

The man she loved. Loved. Loved.

Nine years isn’t something that can just be thrown away. Nine years of dates and fights and kisses and make-ups. Nine years of comfort and consistency.

He was her first in everything. He was her everything

And for a long while she had managed to convince herself that nothing else mattered.

But now the wedding was two days away and she was thinking about how much she wanted to draw or just be on a beach in California… or on a plane to Australia…

It was wrong.

She tried to convince herself that it was cold feet. Nerves before the wedding.

Only she had never heard of cold feet being accompanied by an overwhelming feeling of suffocation and pure exhaustion.

Her mom had been right when she said she needed sleep. She hadn’t a gotten a full nights in over two weeks.

At night she would stare, wide eyed, into the darkness of the room. Watching the ceiling, the alarm clock, Roy… thinking, thinking, thinking…

Something was eating at her. Tearing her into little bits and pieces. The walls she had built over the years were falling away and standing in the middle was a scared little girl who had been too afraid to grow up on her own.

Pam hated that little girl.

The silence weighed on her and she gritted her teeth as she tried to force the thoughts out of her head.

Stop it Pam.

Now.

Taking a firm, deep breath she nodded her head. Falling into the same determined resignation.

She flipped on the T.V. so it wouldn’t be so quiet and moved to gather the pictures and put them into their proper boxes. Reaching over she grabbed the pile of pictures that her mom had been looking at from the coffee table. The top one fell off into her lap.

It was one she didn’t remember seeing before and she picked it up to examine more carefully.

The young Pam in the photo was smiling widely at the camera. It was the first day of kindergarten and her mom had snapped the picture at the end of the day. She was wearing a blue and white sailor dress with brand new black Mary Janes and socks with frills at the top. Her curly hair was pulled into a side ponytail, her bangs teased out with hairspray. In her hands was a piece of art that she proudly displayed to her mother.

Pam stared at the photo for a moment, her heart racing, her mind racing, and she jumped to her feet and ran toward the bedroom.

The box of mementos she kept was under the bed and she had to get down on her hands and knees to pull it out.

Kneeling beside the bed she turned the box upside down so the contents spilled all over her lap. Remnants of her life fell everywhere. The flower Roy had given her when he proposed the first time, the playbook from the time she saw Rent, a pin she had gotten in the second grade for reading, an old valentines day card, a broken necklace, an empty tube of superglue, tattered friendship bracelets, a graduation tassel, the acceptance letter to college, a yogurt lid attached to a chain of paperclips… and one folded piece of construction paper.

She tenderly unfolded it and looked over the picture, ran her fingers over the dry crackly paint. It was the same one from the photo. A simple painting of her family: her mom, dad, two older brothers and baby sister, standing amongst a garden of trees and flowers.

The picture had hung on the family refrigerator for years, her mom always proclaiming proudly that it was Pam’s first piece of art. That someday it would be worth something.

She had forgotten.

Looking back at the photo of herself she tried to remember what that little girl seemed to believe so clearly. Tried to remember what it meant to just believe.

She took a deep breath.

And the damn broke.

The walls fell and the little girl crumbled to the ground, surrounded by the leftovers of her life.

None of it meant anything.

Pam curled herself on the floor and finally just let the tears come. Her whole body racked with sobs as she clutched the photo in one hand and the painting of her family in the other.

She cried for hours.

Letting it all flow over her. The memories of her life. The million mistakes and regrets and decisions that were never really made.

Things would have been so different if she had just gone to Europe with her friends, if she had never given up, if she had actually believed in the first place.

Things could still be different…

You gotta take a chance on something, sometime…

It wasn’t over yet.

The tears eventually subsided and she moved so that she was lying on her back, staring at the ceiling.

Her breathing calmed.

It wasn’t over. It wasn’t over. It wasn’t over.

And then it hit her.

All along… she was the one…

For years she had been waiting for the answers. For someone to save her.

But in the end the only person who could do it…

Had been too scared all along.

She had to save herself.

Pam closed her eyes and took two deep breaths. Then sat up and quickly gathered everything up to return to the box. She added the picture and closed the lid, shoving it back under the bed.

Her wedding dress was hanging on the back of the door and she stopped to run her hands over the soft fabric. She smiled.

Returning to the living room, she gathered the rest of the pictures and neatly filed them back in their boxes. Put them back in the hall closet. Moved to turn the television off and make sure that the dishes from dinner were all put away.

When everything was cleaned and vacuumed and swept and polished she settled herself on the couch, folding her legs under her and watching the door.

Her breath caught in her throat when she heard Roy’s key turn in the lock a little after one o’clock and the strong resolve wavered a bit.

“Hey babe. You still up?”

Closing her eyes, she counted to three and began…

Part III: Leap

 "How many of them really know what they want, though? I mean, a lot of them think they have to know, right? But inside they don't really know, so... I don't know but I know that I don't know."

--Say Anything

August 7, 2006, 8:05 am

The saddest part of the whole situation was that Jim was actually looking forward to going back to work. Back to that mind-numbing, monotonous life of sales calls and ham and cheese sandwiches and torturing Dwight.

Two months away had led him to appreciate the consistency that he hated.

Not that Australia was all bad.

In fact, it had been pretty incredible. Being on the other side of the world from Scranton was something that he had before only dreamed about and he made the best of his time there. He took every tour possible, befriended almost every person he met and reveled in the fact that he didn’t have to work for two months.

It couldn’t possibly have been anything other than incredible.

Just the fact that it was a laugh in the face of everyone who didn’t believe he would go was enough to make the trip worth every penny. And it didn’t hurt that just the simple act of getting on the plane helped to lift the weight that had been pressing down on him for four years. For the first time in a long time he felt… happy.

Of course, this didn’t stop him from getting drunk off his ass for the first few days in Sydney and sitting in his hotel room watching bad movies and staring at his cell phone.

He liked to think of it as a cleansing process.

It was on June 11th that he had woken up, taken a shower and gone for a walk. Decided that it was time to just let go. He needed to let go.

And he did.

The rest of the two months flew by.

Before he knew it, he was on the return flight, walking through the airport, meeting his roommate at the baggage claim, watching the familiar scenery all the way to his house.

There was nothing more comforting and at the same time depressing than driving through the streets of Scranton for the first time in two months. Or walking into his room to see it exactly the same as he left it. Like walking into a weird time warp. Jim had to convince himself that the trip had actually happened.

Until he saw the calendar that hung above his desk, still open to June, a dark black circle over the 10th day of the month.

Then he remembered.

She was married.

And that was that.

It would be a lie to say that he hadn’t thought about her for two months. The honest to God truth was that a day hadn’t gone by where he didn’t think about what her smile would look like in the Australian sun or how much fun they could have had exploring the continent together.

He was pretty sure that no matter what he did in his life she would always be there in the back of his head, smiling at him, making him wonder…

It didn’t ache so much anymore though.

She was married.

And that was that.

He had said it to himself a million times before. Only this time it was real and this time he really meant it.

She was married and surprisingly enough he wasn’t going to die.

The hole in his heart would eventually begin to fill in.

It had already begun to.

And he was actually looking forward to going back to work. He wasn’t mind-blowingly excited about the prospect of selling paper again but he didn’t dread it as much as he thought he might. Although, he was a little disturbed by this and would never admit it to anyone.

As he drove into the parking lot that Monday morning he saw that everything was pretty much the same. The same cars were there, in their same spots. Michael’s Sebring, Roy’s truck, Meredith’s van…

The lobby still had the same strange smell and the elevator still lurched when it began to move, the doors still opened to reveal the same Dunder- Mifflin logo glaring at him like a warning sign.

Some things never changed.

Before going in the office, he paused, running though the conversation in his head. The one he had had over and over with himself for two months.

Take a sure, deep breathe he walking around the corner, into the office, smiling widely, “Hey P… Umm, hi.”

He stopped short. There was an unfamiliar woman sitting in Pam’s chair. She eyed him with distaste as he stared at her.

“Can I help you?”

He opened his mouth then shut it again. Looked around and wondered for a moment if he stepped into the wrong office. No. Dwight, Phyllis, Stanley. Everyone else was there as usual.

“I’m Jim Halpert. I work here.”

“Oh right. The world traveler.” She rolled her eyes and looked back down at her computer.

Jim stood there for a moment, unsure of what to do. This he had not been expecting. He suddenly noticed that several people were watching him. He forced the grin back onto his face.

“Hey guys!”

They greeted him with false smiles and unenthusiastic questions about his trip. Most of them fell back to work with little interest in the fact that this was his first day back in two months. As if he never left.

He smiled at the cameras and sat down at his desk.

“Hey Dwight.”

Dwight looked up at him and regarded him with a beady stare, “Did you make sure to get inoculated before you came back? It’s unacceptable if I get sick with some foreign disease that you’ve brought back with you.”

“Nice to see you too Dwight. But I thought you couldn’t get sick.”

“My body is protected against common diseases found in North America. Although… I’m strong enough that I could probably fight off anything you’ve brought back with you anyway.”

“Yeah, too bad our health care plan doesn’t cover Koalaitis infection.”

Dwight narrowed his eyes, “What’s that?”

“You haven’t heard of it?”

“No.”

“Ooh, it’s bad. There’s no vaccine. It’s really really contagious. But it’s got an incubation period of like four months so I don’t even know if I have it yet. I can be a carrier though. So let me know if you start breaking out in rashes in any weird places.”

Dwight eyed Jim for a moment and then shook his head, “You’re just messing with me. Dammit Jim.” He turned back to his computer and began forcefully pounding on his mouse. Jim pursed his lips to force back a smile and looked over at reception.

“Hey, who’s the woman at reception?”

Dwight didn’t look up from his computer, “Janice Medler. 30 years old. Married five years. One kid.”

“Wow. More than I wanted to know. Where’s Pam?”

“Don’t know. Don’t care.”

Jim bit it tongue in irritation and looked toward the cameras with a shake of his head. He got up and knocked on Michael’s door.

“Come in.”

He opened the door, “Hey Michael.”

Michael’s face brightened, “Slim Jim! Back from the Down Under! How goes it matey?”

Jim tried not to laugh at Michael’s horrific Australian accent. “It was great. But uh, I just had a question.” He pointed with his thumb back to where Janice was sitting. “What happened to Pam?”

Michael suddenly looked uncomfortable and motioned for Jim to close the door and sit down. He sighed and placed his hands on his desk.

“I don’t really know how to tell you this.”

Jim stomach dropped at the look on Michael’s face.

“Wow, this is really hard. Jim, I have some bad news. Pam has… moved on to a higher place.” He wiped some sweat from his forehead.

“What does that mean Michael?”

“Pam left the Scranton office.”

Jim leaned back into his chair, overcome with emotions of relief and desire to kick Michael in the head, “She quit?”

“Not exactly. Apparently Jan Levinson was still bitter about our breakup. She gave Pam a job in the corporate office. Lured Pam away with a higher salary and better benefits. Gave her some kind of internship. I don’t know.”

Jim looked up, “She took the internship?” He nodded and smiled to himself, “Good.”

“Yeah whatever. Good for her. Look Jim.” Michael leaned forward and lowered his voice to a whisper, “Janice scares me.”

“Yeah, what’s up with that?” They both looked toward the window and watched the new receptionist for a moment as she sat behind the desk filing her nails. Their heads snapped back she saw them looking at her. Michael shuddered.

“Why don’t you just find someone new?”

“Did you not hear me? She’s… I’m not going to fire her.” He looked at Jim with a smile, “Hey, you’re good with the women. Why don’t you…”

Jim shook his head and stood up, “No. I’m not firing anyone for you. Have Dwight do it.”

Michael scowled, “Dwight’s scared of her too.”

Jim just shook his head and started to walk out the door.

“So what are you going to do about Pam?

“Nothing Michael. I’m going to go back to my work.”

“Wow. Just like that? Man, if the girl I was in love with was suddenly single again I’d be all over that.”

Jim froze.

He stared at the wood markings on the door, his body suddenly draining of all energy.

He had heard wrong.

Slowly he turned. Michael was staring at him with a completely serious look on his face.

“What?”

“Yeah. I’d be showing her some serious Michael Scott moves.”

“What about… what about Roy?”

Michael snorted, “Roy can find his own women.”

Jim clenched his jaw, “No. She’s married to Roy.”

Michael laughed, “Ohhhh, boy. You really are out of the loop. They didn’t get married. Called it off the day before.”

Jim looked at him with a blank expression. The words were there but it wasn’t registering.

She didn’t get married.

“Not really sure what happened. Said it was mutual. She quit a couple days later. Moved up to New York. And now we’re stuck with Janice out there.”

She didn’t get married.

“So, what are you going to do?”

Jim blinked. “Umm…” He looked at Michael and shrugged, “Nothing.”

Without another word he turned and walked out the door. Sat down at his desk and stared at the blank computer screen.

She didn’t get married.

Michael watched him for a moment and then turned toward the camera. He smiled and tapped his World’s Best Boss Mug.

“And that. Is how you make a difference. One employee at a time.”

August 11, 2006, 10: 23 pm

Jim stared at the ceiling, silently counting down the seconds and feeling incredibly sorry for himself.

He was a single, twenty-seven year old, it was Friday night and he was lying at home, on his bed, wearing only his faded jeans, staring at the ceiling and counting down the seconds.

Pathetic.

The sounds of his friends playing poker drifted up from the living room but he couldn’t muster up the energy to join them.

He tried to convince himself that it was jetlag. But he knew the truth.

He was tired. The kind of tired that has nothing to do with jumping across time zones and only sleeping a few hours a night.

The desire to go back to work had slowly seeped away during the week and he was left with the overwhelming need to get back on a plane and not come back this time.

But he couldn’t. Or wouldn’t. Choosing instead to wallow in his patheticness.

He had finally come to two conclusions.

One. He was in love with Pam.

It was laughable really. She was gone and it was the first time that he had been able to admit, even to himself, that he was in love with her.

Turns out she was part of the reason that he had wanted to come back. Part of the reason he had stayed for so long. And of course, the feelings hadn’t remained behind in Australia. A person doesn’t just get over something as gut wrenching as love in a matter of two months.

Nevertheless, she was gone. Her cell phone wasn’t working and he wasn’t about to go and see if Roy had her new number. She had cut all ties.

It was what she needed to do.

But he missed her. More than he thought was possible. And every time he looked up at her old desk to see a stranger, his heart broke all over again.

He couldn’t stop looking though.

Hence the need for conclusion number two.

It was time to leave. Really leave this time. Cut his own ties.

Ten minutes earlier he had posted his resume on every job search website he could think of. It was time to get out, leave Dunder Mifflin, leave Scranton.

Leave.

Only, for some unexplainable reason, conclusion number two was a lot harder to deal with.

Change did not come easy.

Jim knew that come Monday, he would show up dutifully to work, ignore the e-mails of interest regarding his resume and continue making sales calls to customers.

He had made the decision to quit a thousand times before. Had changed his mind every single time.

It was easier to stay. Even if it was slowly killing him.

It was easier to just admit that the conclusions were worthless.

He was in love with Pam but she was gone.

He needed to leave but he wouldn’t.

Instead he continued to lay, single and alone, on his bed on a Friday night.

The clock changed to 10:25 and Jim groaned. He knew that he should really pull himself out of his funk and go downstairs to beat his friends at a friendly game of poker.

But getting up took too much effort.

There was a knock on the door.

“Yeah?”

Mark popped his head in, “Are you sure you don’t want to play? Jason’s kicking our assess down there and he’s getting a little too cocky about it.”

“No thanks man. I think I’m just going to go to sleep. I’m too tired.”

“Whatever. Oh, by the way, you have a visitor.”

Jim propped himself up on his elbows and stared at his roommate curiously, “Who?”

The door opened wider and his mouth fell open.

It was Pam. Standing in his doorway, biting her lip and looking nervous as hell. He scrambled to his feet to grab a tee shirt off the floor, blushing as he yanked it over his head.

She was walking into his room, hardly seeming to notice that he was only half dressed. He stared at her in amazement.

“Pam?”

“Hey.”

Mark quietly slipped away unnoticed.

Jim shook his head, “I though you were in New York.”

“I was. I am. I just wanted to see how your trip was. I knew you got back last week so…”

He grinned, “You drove two and a half hours to ask me how my trip was?”

She shrugged, “More like four. There was an accident. Lots of traffic.” She looked up at him expectantly, “So… how was it?”

“It was… good. Great. It was great.” He watched her as she walked around the room.

“Just great? Come on, what did you do? Where did you stay? I want details.” She plopped onto his bed, one foot tucked underneath her. Jim was reminded of the night of his party. He perched himself on the edge of his desk chair and recounted the details of his trip. Pam listened attentively.

“You actually went bungee jumping?”

“Yes I did.”

“I’m impressed.”

“Thanks.”

They sat together in awkward silence for a moment.

“I’m glad you had a good time. Bet you didn’t want to come back.”

Jim swallowed hard and licked his lips, “Not really.” He shrugged, “But I had to at some point. Right?”

“I don’t know. I kinda wondered if you would. It’s not like there’s anything really keeping you here.”

Jim’s smile disappeared and he looked down, “I’m starting to figure that out.” He took a deep breath and looked up at her, a million unasked questions in his eyes. They stared at each other.

Jim shook his head, “What happened?”

Pam closed her eyes and let out a shaky breath, “Oh you know…”

He stared at her expectantly, “No I don’t.”

She bit her lip and looked down at her hands, “You were right. I wasn’t happy.”

“Pam…”

“No.” She shook her head at him, “It wasn’t working. And I should have figured it out a long time ago.”

“Oh.”

Pam stared at the opposite wall and tried to wipe her eyes discretely. “God, I feel so stupid. It was two months ago and I can’t stop crying.”

“I don’t think anyone would fault you for that.”

She blushed, “The funny thing is that Roy didn’t seem to be all that upset about it. I mean, he was… but he understood. He got it. I think a part of him was waiting for me to call it all off.”

Jim rubbed the back of his neck and leaned forward in the chair, “He loves you though.” He tried to bite back the words, unsure of why he said them.

“Yeah, I know.” Her voice lowered to a whisper, “I love him too.”

“Yeah.” Jim swallowed and continued watching her profile.

They were quiet again and he could tell that she was done talking about this particular subject.

“So you quit huh?”

Pam laughed, “Yeah. Michael wasn’t too happy about that. But I couldn’t stay. So I left. Moved in with a friend. Took that internship. Still working reception though so in some ways, nothing’s changed.”

He smiled, “A lot’s changed.”

She shrugged, “Maybe.” Suddenly her eyes lit up, “But hey, I finally saw the Pacific Ocean.”

Jim raised an eyebrow, “You went to California?”

“Yeah. I had a friend who was there. Right after we called of the wedding I just hopped on a plane.”

“I’m impressed.”

“Didn’t think I had it in me did you?”

He laughed at her in amusement, “No. I knew you did… So, did you meet anyone famous?”

“No. But Jenny dragged me up and down to every tourist trap in the state. Two weeks of non-stop souvenirs and cheesy photos. She’s kinda high on energy like that. You’ll have to meet her sometime.”

“I’d like that.”

Pam nodded, “But yeah, California was great. I guess for the first time I really understood why you left.”

“Sometimes, you just have to leave?”

“Yeah.” Pam watched the red blobs in his lava lamp move up and down and Jim stared intently at the floor. Tried to think of something to say. Anything.

“So Michael thinks that Jan stole you away from the Scranton office to get back at him.”

“For what? Denying her a little Michael Scott lovin’?”

Jim grimaced, “Yech. Pam. Never, ever say that again.”

She giggled, “So, how’s my replacement?”

He shook his head, “Oh… not good. She’s bad. Really, really bad. She spends the whole day reading magazines and filing her nails. The only good thing about it is that Michael’s scared of her and spends a lot more time in his office.”

“Hmm, so you’re spending a little less time at the reception desk.”

Jim blushed slightly, “Well, Janice doesn’t have jelly beans.”

She smiled, “Good.”

“Yeah, now I just hang out with Dwight. We play FreeCell together and make up new words, eat lunch in the back and talk about our weekends.”

“I always knew you two could get along if you just put your differences aside.”

“Yeah, he’s my new BFF.”

Pam laughed, “That’s a little frightening.”

“Tell me about it.”

The room went silent again as they each tried to think of something to say. Pam picked at a spot on his bed until Jim cleared his throat.

Ask her.

“Pam… Are you happy now?”

She continued staring at the comforter and shrugged, “I’m trying to be.” A small grin began to play on her lips, “I’m getting there. It’s not easy.”

“Yeah.”

They smiled at each other until Pam pulled her gaze away. “I’ve still got a long way to go Jim. I need… I need time.”

He nodded as he realized what she was telling him in so few words.

“I think I need to be alone for awhile. See if I can do this thing.”

“You can.”

She turned back to him, “The weird thing is that I’m starting to believe that too.”

“Good.”

Pam sighed and looked down at her watch, “I’ve got to go. I have to get up early tomorrow.”

Jim stood up as she did, “You drove two hours to talk to me for ten minutes? You could have called.”

Stupid. Stupid.

“I know. I just thought…” She looked up at him and cocked her head, then reached into her purse to grab a piece of paper. “Anyway, here’s my new number and address. Call me whenever.”

He took the paper from her and gave it a cursory glance, “I might just have to do that.”

Pam started and then leaned forward on her toes to kiss his cheek, “Please.” She lingered for a moment and then pulled away and quickly walked out the door without looking back.

Jim sat down on the edge of the bed, staring at the piece of paper. He shook his head, laughing at himself.

“Dammit Halpert. You are pathetic.”

September 1, 2006 5:36 pm.

“Dunder- Mifflin, this is Pam…. Please hold.”

Pam transferred the line and then returned to her game of FreeCell. She stared at the screen intently, sighing when she couldn’t find any moves.

Her win rate had plummeted to forty-six percent since starting the new job.

It was pathetic.

She exited the game and looked over at the door to the conference room, tapping her fingers against the keyboard impatiently. Jan was in there with a client and Pam was expected to stay until the meeting was over.

But it was Friday and she had mentally started her weekend an hour ago. It had been a long, excruciatingly boring week and all she wanted to do was curl up at home with a cup of tea and a sketch pad.

For the fifth time in an hour she glanced down at her cell phone.

No new calls. The same as usual.

It had been over two weeks since she had shown up uninvited to his house. Since she had given him her phone number and run from the room.

But he still hadn’t called. And she felt like an idiot.

Jim was right, she shouldn't have just shown up like that.

The whole thing had been a bad idea. The moment she got there she couldn’t think of anything to say and he had seemed equally embarrassed to see her. She remembered the way he had been sprawled out on his bed, his hair more disheveled than normal. And then when he had jumped up to find his shirt… Her face flushed as she remembered how dangerously low his jeans hung on his hips.

“Thinkin’ dirty thoughts Pam Beesly?”

Pam jumped and then smiled in relief, “Hey Jenny.”

“Wow, who are you thinking about that makes you blush like that?”

Pam ducked her head and tried to hide her face. Jenny laughed and leaned over the counter, “So, when do I get to meet this Jim guy anyway?”

“Never.”

“Oh, come on. I want to see if he’s really blush-worthy.”

“I’m not blushing because… never mind.” Pam turned in her chair and pretended to be busy sorting faxes.

“He still hasn’t called?”

“No.”

“You know… and this might be a little too crazy for you, so bear with me, but you could always call him.”

“No.”

“God. You do like to make things hard on yourself don’t you?”

Pam swung around, “I asked him to call me. If he doesn’t want to then he doesn’t want to. It doesn’t matter anyway.”

Jenny raised an eyebrow, “You can’t tell a guy that you want to be alone and then get mad at him because he doesn’t call. Men are confused easily. We don’t need to mess with them anymore than necessary.”

“I’m not messing with anyone.”

“Whatever.” Jenny examined her nails, “Are you ready to leave yet?”

Pam sighed, “Jan’s still in there with a client.”

As if on cue, Jan emerged from her office, laughing with an older man in a crisp business suit. She shook his hand and walked him to the elevator. When the doors closed she turned and let out a breath.

“What an ass.”

Pam grinned and opened her mouth to respond but Jan interrupted her, “You can go home now. I’ll leave the paperwork on your desk. You can come in early Monday and finish everything.” She walked past the reception area and back into her office, shutting the door behind her with her heel.

“Well, she’s warm and fuzzy, isn’t she?”

Pam boarded the phones, shut off her light and grabbed her coat, “It’s sad. But sometimes I think I would prefer my old boss. At least he made me laugh. If only on the inside.”

The two women rode down the elevator together and walked through the lobby. Jenny flung her arm up to hail a taxi and they squashed into the backseat.

“Sorry to hassle you about Jim.”

Pam shrugged, “It’s okay. It’s really not a big deal though.”

“You’re upset that he hasn’t called.”

“Yeah.” She laughed dryly, “I don’t even know why. We are just friends.”

Jenny rolled her eyes as Pam stared out the window.

It really wasn’t a big deal. He was still in Scranton. She was in New York. He couldn’t be expected to just drop everything in his life to call her. Not that she even wanted him to. All she wanted was someone...

The past two months had been nothing but one change after another and if there was one thing Pam didn’t do well, it was change. Her life had reached the level of desperation that it had for this very reason. Over the years she had just settled in, holding on as tightly as possible to everything that she knew, everything that was familiar. Even when it all felt wrong, it was just easier to leave it alone. Pray for consistency.

Looking back she even wondered if she had really meant to tell Roy that she couldn’t marry him. The words had just sort of come out involuntarily, like she was a different person for a moment. The amount of change she would actually have to go through hadn’t really registered.

But now the words were said and the changes had been made and she was in New York.

She still wasn’t happy though and she needed someone.

Jenny had been an amazing friend through the whole breakup but Pam couldn’t stop thinking about Jim. The one person in Scranton who had always seemed to just get her. In a way that she never fully understood. He could just look at her and smile or make a face and she knew exactly what he meant. Because she got him too.

Somehow she knew that he would find the right words that she needed to hear. Not that she was looking for a savior but because she was looking for that connection again. Something, anything to connect to and feel a part of again. Since leaving Scranton she just felt broken.

But it had been three weeks and he still hadn’t called.

“You planning on getting out of the cab or are we just going to ride around all night?”

Pam looked up and noticed that the taxi was stopped in front of their apartment building, the taxi driver glaring at her through the review mirror.

She blushed and opened the car door, “Sorry.”

Jenny laughed as they made their way through the lobby and up the stairs, “What’s your problem? I’ve never seen you so spacey.”

“Nothing.” She shook her head and rounded the corner. Then froze in mid-stride so suddenly that Jenny slammed into her.

“What the… oh.”

Pam’s eyes widened, “What are you doing here?”

Roy pulled himself away from the wall and took a step toward her, “I came to talk to you.”

Jenny’s eyes darted between the two as she edged around them toward the door of the apartment, “I’ll leave you guys alone.” She caught Pam’s eye to make sure that it was okay.

Pam nodded and watched until her roommate shut the door behind her. Turned back to Roy and repeated her question, “What are you doing here?”

He smiled at her, his dimples showing in his cheeks. She had always loved his dimples.

“Can we go for a walk?”

He was smiling so sincerely and there was something in his eyes like pain and Pam nodded without really thinking.

They walked back downstairs together and Roy held the door open for her, his hand on the small of her back.

Everything seemed to be falling back into place, like it was meant to be.

As they walked down the busy street Pam wrapped her arms around herself and stared intently at every crack in the sidewalk, listening to his steady breathing as he walked in stride with her.

It was five minutes before she finally stopped and placed a hand on his arm, “Roy.”

He stared ahead, avoiding her eyes, “You know, the guys would never let me hear the end of it if they knew I was here.”

“Okay.” She bit her lip in confusion.

“They told me to just forget about you. They said you weren’t worth it anyway.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. But the thing is… you are worth it.” He turned to look at her, “Baby… I miss you.”

Pam pulled away from him.

Please don’t say it.

“It’s not the same without you.”

She held her breath and waited, prayed that he wouldn’t continue. But she didn’t leave. Didn’t stop him.

“I need you.”

Pam swallowed and looked down at her feet, “Roy.”

“Please Pam. Remember? Remember how good we are together?” He moved closer until he was standing right against her, “I need you Pammy.”

She continued to shake her head, trying not to be affected by the way he was wrapping his arms around her, pulling her closer.

“I love you.”

His face was only inches away from hers. Pam shuddered and looked up, only watching as he bent closer and brushed his lips against hers.

Her arms remained folded against her chest but she sank into him a bit as he kissed her. Responded by parting her lips, letting his tongue sweep against hers.

And suddenly everything felt normal again.

She moved so that she could wrap her arms around his neck, standing on her toes to meet him halfway.

He kissed her hungrily and she responded, letting herself get pulled in and comforted. She felt safe for the first time in months and she didn’t want to let that go.

“Come back with me.”

He said the words so quietly against her mouth that she almost missed them.

“Come back.”

The reality of what was happening came to her then and she gasped, pushing her hands against his chest, struggling from his embrace. He let her go and she turned down the sidewalk, covering her mouth with her hand.

“Pam!”

She shook her head and continued on, not really caring which direction she was headed. His heavy footsteps sounded behind her and suddenly he was next to her, trying to keep up. It was then that she realized she was running as fast as she could, her blood pumping hard in her veins, her breaths coming in heavy pants.

“Hey, wait.” He grabbed her arm to slow her and she tried to shrug him off and keep running.

“Wait!” The word came out as a shout and she finally stopped to look up at him, slightly scared. But he wasn’t angry. Just confused. Like she was. Pam covered her eyes and sank against the brick wall of the apartment building where they had stopped.

“Pam, what….?"

“I can’t do this Roy… I can’t.”

He pulled her hand down and cupped her chin in his hand, forcing her to look at him, “Why not? You love me don’t you?”

She shook her head, “It’s not enough.”

“How is it not enough? I need you. We need each other.”

Keeping herself against the wall she braved a glance up at him, meeting his eyes, “Maybe that’s the problem.”

Roy stepped away and flung out his arms, “What do you want from me! What do you need Pam?”

“I don’t know.”

“Then just come back. We can work all this out. Maybe it was just too soon to get married…”

Pam laughed dryly and hung her head, “I’m pretty sure that’s not it.”

He looked at her, “So that’s the problem? I waited too long? Goddamn it Pam! Maybe I wasn’t ready to get married.”

“No. That’s the problem! You and I… we love each other but that’s not enough. Something’s always been missing. We each want different things.”

“So you’ve been completely miserable this entire time?”

“No, of course not.”

“Because I haven’t. I loved you.”

“You haven’t always acted like it.”

His eyes widened, “No. Don’t blame this on me.”

“I’m not… It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault.” She chewed on her lip and looked away, watching the traffic zooming up and down the street.

Roy moved toward her again, his hands coming to rest on her waist, “Come on baby. Let’s just go back.”

“No.”

He grinned and squeezed her waist, running his fingers over her ticklish spots, “Come on Pammy.”

Instead of laugher, Pam found herself on the verge of crying. Tears prickled at her eyes and she pushed him away.

“Roy. Stop. I can’t go back with you. Please don’t ask me anymore.”

“Why?”

“Because, eventually, I’ll say yes. I’ll say yes and I’ll go back with you and everything will continue on as normal and it’ll….”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“It’ll kill me!” She screamed the words louder than she intended, startling a couple of teenagers walking past them.

Roy finally stopped. Looked down at the way her hunched figure pressed against the wall, the way the tears were pooling in her eyes. His shoulders sagged.

They stood there in silence, both breathing heavily until Roy moved to lean against the wall by her side.

Pam closed her eyes, suddenly remembering the day she first met Roy. He had been in the fifth grade, she in the third. He had come home with her brother David one day after school to play football. Not allowed to actually play, Pam had stood on the sidelines in the back yard, watching. Roy went to throw a pass but the ball had spiraled out of control, straight at Pam, smacking her in the head. For a moment she had been knocked senseless and when she came to Roy was hovering over her, looking concerned while her brother ran screaming inside for their mom.

She had stared up at him, blinking hard, “That hurt.”

Roy had looked really upset at that moment and he muttered something about being sorry. Whether from the growing bump on her head or the sight of a tough fifth grader looking like he was about to cry, Pam suddenly burst into tears. Roy had stared at her for a moment before sniffling himself and patting her lightly on the arm.

“It’s okay. It’s okay.” He continued to say these words over and over as she cried, until her mom and brother came rushing outside.

She had never told anyone that Roy had cried in that moment. She had never even talked to him about it. Wondered if he even remembered.

It was all so long ago.

In the years since, Roy had become more than her brother’s best friend who had once knocked her senseless with a football. He was her friend, her boyfriend, her lover, her fiancé...

Suddenly she hated New York and the Dunder- Mifflin corporate office and the art internship. She wondered if Michael would let her come back to work in Scranton again.

It would be easy to leave with Roy.

“It’s really isn’t the same without you.”

“Yeah.” She looked up at him and sighed. It would be so easy.

He coughed, “My mom wanted me to let you know that you could still call her if you ever needed to.”

Pam’s eyes filled with tears so she looked away, up at the flashing street sign in front of them, “Tell her thanks.”

“There are still some things of yours I found at the apartment. Do you want me to…?”

She nodded, “Yeah, you can send them to me. I’ll pay for it.”

“Alright…How’s the internship going?”

“Good. I like it. It’s interesting.”

“That’s good.”

“How’s work?

Roy shrugged and stuck his hands in his back pockets. “Fine. Michael’s still an ass. And that new receptionist is a total bitch.”

Pam smiled, “Yeah, I heard about that.”

The smile fell off Roy’s face and he looked away, “You heard about it huh?”

Pam closed her eyes and bit her tongue.

Dammit.

Roy laughed dryly, “I guess I should have seen that one coming. You and Halpert, huh?”

She grabbed his arm, “Roy.”

“No. Pam. I’m a grown up too. Remember that? I deserve the truth.” He looked down at her and Pam winced at what she saw in his eyes, “Do you love him?”

He did deserve the truth.

“No.”

He regarded her for a moment and then sighed, his shoulders sagging even further, “Could you?”

Please don’t ask me.

Pam opened her mouth, then shut it again. She didn’t answer.

Roy blew out a breath and nodded, “You know what? I don’t really want to know anyway.”

“Roy, nothing ever...”

“Don’t worry Pam, I’m not going to do anything to him.”

She cocked her head, “I know.” Grabbing his hand, she held it tightly between both of hers, “You’re a good guy Roy.”

“You’ve always known that huh?”

Pam grinned, “Yeah.”

He shrugged and pushed off from the wall, “I guess I should go.”

She nodded, dropping his hand and turning her head to smile at him. His dimples deepened in his cheeks as he gave in and smiled back, pulled his arm around her and kissed the top of her head.

“I’ll miss you Roy.”

“You too.” He took a deep breath, squeezed her one more time and turned toward his truck. She watched until he merged into traffic and disappeared down the street.

Her heart wanted to go with him.

She bit her thumbnail and walked back into the building. As she slowly trudged up the stairs she felt a vibrating in the pocket of her jacket. Pulling out her phone she saw that there was one missed call and a new voicemail.

Stopping at the door, she leaned against the wall to listen to the message. Not yet ready to face Jenny and explain Roy’s presence.

“You have one unheard message…. Hey Pam, it’s Jim. Um, sorry that it took me so long to call. I… uh, well… anyway, I’m having some friends over next Friday night. To play poker and stuff. I just wanted to invite you. You could bring your roommate if you want. It’s not going to be anything exciting… just… well, you know me. So, yeah… give me a call… End of message. To save this message press 2, to delete this message press 3…”

Pam closed her eyes and leaned her head against the wall.

Of course. He would finally call just as she was having that conversation with Roy.

The irony of the situation was a little hard to handle.

The two men in her life both trying to get back in at the same moment.

It was almost laughable.

But not quite.

She replayed the message again, “Hey Pam, it’s Jim…” When it was over she pressed the 3 on her phone and flipped it closed.

September 8, 2006, 8: 34 pm

Not only was he pathetic. He was an idiot too.

She had shown up at his door, given him her number, kissed his cheek…And what did he do?

Nothing. As per usual he stood by and said and did nothing.

Over two weeks went by and he couldn’t bring himself to pick up that damn phone.

At first it was self preservation. Better not to call the next day and freak her out with his desperation. After a week it was out of the fear that she hadn’t really meant that he should call. Not that soon anyway. After two weeks it was a matter of complete uncertainty.

Why didn’t he call her back?

Hell, if he knew…

Four years of being her friend. Four years of watching her be engaged to another man and suddenly she wasn’t and she was showing up in his room and kissing his cheek and yet… still telling him that she needed to be alone.

Jim didn’t know what to make of it. Didn’t know what to expect. Every time he picked up the phone he would imagine the awkward conversation that would ensue and decide it would be best to just wait.

It was avoidance, plain and simple.

Although, they had always done awkward and avoidance so well.

These thoughts went round in his head for two weeks until the day of the epiphany.

It was three-thirty on September the 1st when it happened. He was on the phone, talking to a customer when Michael emerged from his office with a wide grin on his face, practically bouncing with excitement.

“So, Jim, any big plans for the weekend?”

Jim pointed at the phone and mouthed that he was busy but Michael shook his head, “This is important.”

With a sigh Jim asked the customer if he could call back.

“What’s up Michael?”

“You got any big plans this weekend Big Jim?”

“Nope.”

“Sounds exciting.” Michael’s voice rose with each syllable and he began rocking back and forth on his heels. Jim shook his head and looked into the camera.

“Do you have any exciting plans this weekend?

“Ha! Funny you should ask. Because, I have a date this weekend.”

“Good for you.”

“I just got off the phone with her. She was thrilled!”

“I bet she was.”

“Yeah, she sold me my condo. I sold her on some Michael Scott moves. And now I’m back in the game!”

Jim turned his head to the right, remembered that Pam wasn’t there anymore and exhaled loudly.

“That’s great Michael.”

“That’s what sheee said!” Michael began to laugh excitedly as he walked away to share his news with the rest of the office.

“Hey, Ryan! You doing anything this weekend?”

Ryan’s face filled with apprehension but Jim didn’t notice. He had turned back toward his computer screen with a blank stare. The numbers on the spreadsheet he was working on wouldn’t focus. Something had finally clicked in his brain and once again it was all thanks to Michael.

It was time to do something.

Screw the fear. Screw four years of inaction. Screw the fact that he was too damn scared to make that phone call.

If Michael could do it…

It was now or never and he was tired of missing her smile and her laugh and everything about her. Never wasn’t really an option.

He quickly shut down his computer and turned his desk light off.

“Where are you going?” Dwight glared at him and raised his eyes in question.

“I’m sick. I’m going home.”

“What kind of sick? What…? Jim!”

But Jim had already walked out of the office, his bag slung over his shoulder, his cell phone tight in his hand. This wasn’t the kind of phone call he wanted to make with Dwight hovering nearby.

As he walked through the parking lot he thought about what he would say, what he could say. He needed her in his life. Needed her smile. Beyond that…

He was so engrossed that he didn’t notice Roy jumping into his truck and pealing out of the parking lot.

There was a phone call to make and nothing else really registered.

Of course, by the time he made it home something inside him wavered and he spent the next hour and a half staring at his cell phone, tempted to be a coward once again.

But cowardice be damned. At six o’clock he finally dialed the number, listening as it continued to ring until her voicemail switched on.

“Hey, it’s Pam. I can’t get to the phone right now. Leave me a message and I’ll get back to you.”

The soft sound of her voice made him smile.

“Hey Pam, it’s Jim. Um, sorry that it took me so long to call. I… uh, well… anyway, I’m having some friends over next Friday night. To play poker and stuff. I just wanted to invite you. You could bring your roommate if you want. It’s not going to be anything exciting… just… well, you know me. So, yeah… give me a call…”

After hanging up the phone he resisted to the urge to bang his head against the wall… then spent the next week waiting.

For absolutely nothing.

Friday rolled around once again, she had still never called and he was a pathetic idiot once again playing poker with his friends.

But at least he was winning.

“Full house.” He laid his cards down to the groans of his friends. Mark scowled and threw his cards on the table.

“How do you do that?”

“It’s a gift.” Jim smirked as he gathered his winnings, “Who’s up for another hand?”

“What’s the point man? It’s the same every time.”

“And yet you’re stupid enough to play every time.”

Mark leaned forward, “You know, you could at least let me win once in front of my girlfriend.

Tracy laughed loudly, “What’s the point in that? I already know you’re an idiot.”

Jim shrugged, “The girl’s got a point. Besides, if I’m gonna make you look good, I’m gonna expect some sort of compensation. Either way, I’m taking your money.”

Mark leaned back in his chair and frowned, “Yeah, but at least I look good.”

“Well, I’m up for some more. Someone’s got to beat this guy.” Jason beckoned for the cards, “Deal ‘em.”

It was too easy. Jim grinned and watched Tracey shuffle and deal the cards. The doorbell rang then and he looked up and laughed, “I bet that’s Brian.” He shoved his chair back to answer it.

“Tell him we don’t want him. Anyone that’s going to chose his girlfriend over us… Ow, what was that for?”

“You’d chose me over your friends right?”

“Sure. Uh-huh. Hey! Quit hitting me.”

“Quit being an ass.”

Jim ignored the squabbling couple and flung open the door, “See, I knew you’d… Pam?” His mouth fell open in surprise.

Yes. It really was her, standing there on his front porch, biting her lip and smiling tentatively.

“Hey.”

“I didn’t think you were coming.”

“Yeah, I know… I’m sorry.”

“Hey, you think we could speed the reunion along here? I gotta pee.”

Jim pulled his eyes away from Pam and noticed the tall blond bouncing in place behind her.

“You must be Jenny?”

“Yeah, uh-huh. Listen, I got her here. Now could you do me a huge favor and show me the way to your bathroom?”

Jim pointed with his thumb down the hall, “Bathroom’s to your right.”

“Thanks.” Jenny shoved past him and darted down the hall. Before she shut the door to the bathroom, she stuck her head back out, “Oh, yeah, nice to meet you too.”

Jim pursed his lips in amusement as the door slammed and looked back at Pam who was shaking her head, “That’s Jenny. She’s special…”

“She seems fun.”

“Uh-huh. Yeah.”

Jim cocked his head to the side and opened the door wider, “You know, you don’t have to stand out there all night.”

“Oh. Yeah. Actually, do you think we can talk? Outside?”

“Sure.” He looked back toward the kitchen but Pam waved him off, “Don’t worry about Jenny. By the time we get back in there she’ll know the darkest secret of each person in there and she’ll have won all their money in poker.”

Jim shrugged and stepped out into the night air, “I like her already.”

Pam nodded and turned to walk down the walkway from his door toward the driveway. He followed her curiously, noticing for the first time that she was wearing jeans and a large gray sweatshirt and instead of the normal barrette, her hair hung loosely around her face. It was then that he realized that he really only knew Pam through work or work related events. The Pam he knew was hindered by faxes and memos and barrettes and work clothes.

This person standing in front of him was almost a stranger.

Jim scratched his face and averted his eyes, waiting for her to say something. A car drove slowly down the street, headlights illuminating the night for a moment and then disappearing into the darkness around the corner. A dog barked somewhere nearby and the sound of clattering trashcans from his neighbor’s backyard startled the night’s quiet. But she still didn’t say anything. Jim leaned against the side of the house and watched as she paced up and down the driveway along the grass line. Her eyes remained focused on the ground.

Finally he cleared his throat, to fill the silence.

“Pam, I’m sorry I didn’t call you earlier. I just…”

“No, it’s okay.” She shrugged, “It was probably a good thing you didn’t.”

“Oh.”

It fell silent again. For too long. He was about to ask her if she had come over to talk or to inspect his grass when she finally spoke.

“Roy came to visit me.”

Jim swallowed but didn’t say anything.

“He asked me to come back.”

“Oh.”

She finally stopped pacing but still wouldn’t look in his direction.

“I almost said yes. Can you believe that?” She turned to face him, “After all that… I was just ready to give it all up. And how sad is that? Here I was thinking that I was being all strong and independent for the first time but then Roy shows up and…it turns out I was still looking for someone to save me. Which of course, you probably knew when I showed up here before… I had managed to convince myself that it really was to see how your trip was but obviously it wasn’t and you knew that and it was so stupid…

“Pam.”

“No. It’s true. That’s why I came here. But then you didn’t call and...”

“I’m sorry about that.”

“Will you let me finish?”

He smiled and nodded.

“You didn’t call and then Roy was there and I realized that it would be so much easier to just go back. Forget about this stupid idea of art and a new life.”

She bit her lip and paused then and Jim wondered if she was done.

“So what changed your mind?”

“He loves me. He does. Despite what anyone might think it’s something that I know is true. But the thing is… he never once offered to come to me, to New York. He wasn’t willing to give up his life. It was just kinda assumed that I would go to him. Come back to Scranton. And then I knew. I knew I had made the right decision.”

“So you’re going to stay in New York?”

“Yeah. For now. I don’t know. It’s not perfect but it’s different. And I’m beginning to not hate it.”

Jim laughed, “That’s always the first step.”

“Yeah.” She looked up at him and bit her lip, “I did a lot of thinking over the past week. About everything. And the reason I didn’t call was because…”

“Hey, it’s fine. Really. I don’t mind having you show up here out of the blue.”

“At least you were fully dressed this time, right?”

Jim blushed and looked away, “Yeah.”

Pam’s smile dropped and she looked to the ground, “I do have to explain why though. Why I didn’t call. Because, I might not hate my life right now but things still aren’t perfect. I’m starting to figure out that they never will be but there are going to be times when that’s not okay. Chances are that I’m going to want to turn it all back a million times over the next few months. And I didn’t call because I don’t want you to be the person that I run to when I feel like I need to be saved. You can’t be the one that saves me.”

He opened his mouth, then shut it again.

“It’s this thing you do and it’s… nice. But you can’t save me and I can’t expect you to. And…” Her voice cracked and she pursed her lips, trying to contain the emotion that was threatening to break free, “I don’t want to need you.”

Jim shoved his hands into his pockets and swallowed, “Okay.”

She shook her head, “And don’t take that the wrong way. It’s just that I spent so much time depending on Roy and needing him and I don’t… I can’t do that anymore. I can’t run to you whenever I have a problem.”

Pam continued pacing again and Jim took a step forward, away from the house, closer to her. There was a finality in her words and he was scared at what that meant.

“So… then why did you come?”

She stopped at the bottom of the driveway and said something quietly, her eyes downcast. Jim was far enough away that he couldn’t hear her so he moved until he was standing right in front of her, stooping down to look in her face.

Pam shrugged, “I don’t want to need you to save me. But I can’t really help the fact that I do need you as a friend.”

Jim grinned widely and let out a breath of relief, “I think that can be arranged.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

They smiled at each other and Pam tried to laugh through her tears but it just came out as a messy sob. He shook his head at her and reached out to wipe his thumbs under her eyes. She leaned her cheek into the palm of his hand and sniffed.

“I don’t even know why I’m crying anymore.”

Jim just smiled and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her in for a hug. His eyes closed with satisfaction when she relaxed into his body and buried her face against his chest.

The desire to save her would probably always be there but he didn’t doubt the fact that she was strong enough to survive on her own. And for now it was enough that he could be her friend and hold her close and at least know that she was safe.

She didn’t make any move to pull out of his arms and he rested his chin lightly on the top of her head, rubbing her back gently.

Pam inhaled the scent of his tee-shirt and closed her eyes, “When did this happen?”

“Hmm?”

She pulled away slightly so she could look up at him, “This. You and me. When did this happen?

You and me.

“I don’t really know.” Jim dropped his arms and let her step away, “But you know how paper brings people together."

“Right.” Her face was thoughtful as she fiddled with her necklace, “You know, I still remember the day of my interview.”

He laughed, “Yeah. It would be hard to forget someone asking you if you would date a man with hair plugs.”

“Oh God I almost forgot about that! I’m glad he got rid of those.” A strange looked crossed her face, “Actually, the thing I remember the most is how comfortable you made me feel. It’s actually why I took the job.” She blushed as she said this and looked away, “I don’t know… I guess I figured that with you only a few feet away, things couldn’t be so bad.”

Jim pursed his lips, “I didn’t want you to take that job.”

“See? Looking out for me from the beginning.”

He looked upwards and sighed, “Actually, I think I was looking out for myself.”

Pam nodded and looked away, “Well, somehow you ended up becoming my best friend and not just in the office but… well….

“You’re gettin' sappy on me Beesly. I hope you don’t expect me to sit around and braid friendships with you or anything like that. Besides, I already have a BFF and Dwight might get jealous.”

“Okay, I would so be a better best friend than Dwight.”

“I don’t know Pam. He does give me free self defense tips and everything. What do you have?”

“Umm.” Pam thought for a moment and then smiled, “I have jelly beans.”

Jim shook his head, “Damn. You know all my weaknesses.”

She laughed excitedly, “So, do I get to be your new BFF now?”

“Yeah, why not?... So, what do we do now? Take an oath and become blood brothers?”

“Hmmm, not a big fan of the whole blood thing. Why don’t we just shake on it?”

“Works for me.”

She held her hand out and Jim hesitated for a moment before sliding his palm against hers, curling his fingers lightly against her wrist. He met her gaze with a grin and she smiled so widely that Jim could feel its warmth spread through his body. An instant blush appeared on her cheeks as his eyes darkened and she ducked her head and looked away.

Taking a deep breath, Jim tried to relax his nerves but when Pam smiled like that he became a teenager again and there was something in that feeling that he wanted to hold onto.

As if she could read his mind, Pam’s smile dropped and a look of sadness washed over her face, “We’re probably going to have to grow up one of these days aren’t we?”

Jim thought about it and then shook his head, “I’ve been there and done that. It’s overrated.”

She sighed and let go of his hand, looking back up toward the house, “So, poker night huh?”

“Yeah. Cheap beer, idiot friends who keep insisting on losing to me… should be fun.”

“You have food?”

“That’s questionable. Mark and I haven’t been shopping in awhile and I’m pretty sure all we have is cereal and Easy Mac. We can always order pizza though. Mushroom and pepperoni right?”

“Yeah.” Pam drew the word out slowly and looked at him strangely.

“What?”

“Nothing. It’s just… you’re full of contradictions Halpert, you know that?”

“Am I?”

“You admit to using fabric softener and yet you live off Easy Mac? I didn’t realize you were such a guy.”

Jim shrugged and cocked an eyebrow, “There’s a lot you don’t know about me.”

Pam flushed, then collected herself and nodded. Her tongue darted out to wet her lips as she looked him up and down, “We’ll see about that.” And with that she moved past him and walked into the house.

The smile on Jim’s face couldn’t possibly have gotten any larger. He looked around for a minute, rubbing the back of his neck.

Life was weird.

A few months ago he had been in agony over what he was about to lose. And now…

She was at his house and telling him that she needed him in her life, letting him hold her in his arms and flirting with him.

There was promise in that and as he walked back into the house he could hear Pam’s laugh coming from the kitchen.

Nothing had ever sounded so much like home before.

November 22, 2006, 10:47 pm

Pam had never really liked talking on the phone. Even when she was a teenager she had never been one of those girls to go scrambling for the phone whenever it rang. There was just something about holding a piece of wired plastic up to her ear that was annoying. And who really likes getting phone ear anyway?

So, of course, it made perfect sense when she chose to be a receptionist and answer phones for a living.

In a moment of pure boredom at work Pam had calculated how many times she had answered the phone for Dunder-Mifflin. She had worked there for four years, seven months and eight days. Which, give or take a few days off for sick days and vacation time, was about eleven hundred and twenty days of work. Multiply by eight hours a day, it came to eight thousand and sixty hours of sitting behind that desk. On average she estimated that the phone rang about ten times an hour. So, if the math was correct it meant that she had said the words, “Dunder- Mifflin, this is Pam”, about eighty-nine thousand, six hundred times.

89,600.

The number made her a little sick.

Needless to say, by the time she got home there was absolutely no desire left to answer the phone or talk on the phone or even look at a phone.

Of course, there were exceptions to be made.

Pam was perched on the bathroom counter plucking her eyebrows when her cell phone began vibrating, the lyrics to Keane’s “Somewhere Only We Know” echoing around the tiled bathroom.

She grinned and flipped it open, “Welcome to the Party Girls Hotline. This is Candy. How may I service you tonight?” Her words came out in a throaty purr and she bit her lip at the short silence on the other end of the line.

“Candy huh? You must be new. Usually when I call I talk to Whisper.”

Pam snorted, “What kind of name is Whisper?”

“I don’t know. It’s from this movie I saw.”

“Movie. Uh-huh. Sure.”

“Well, now my secret’s out. This is what I do on a Friday night. And Saturday nights and well, any night really.”

“Sick.”

Jim laughed, “And what would you have done if that was your mother on the phone?”

“Oh, I knew it wasn’t her. She doesn’t call me late on Friday nights. See, she has a life.”

“Wow. That hurts… But hey, what are you doing then?”

“Sitting around and anxiously waiting for your phone call.”

“Obviously.”

Pam smiled into the mirror, “So anything exciting happen this week in good ol’ Scranton?”

“I wouldn’t call it exciting. But Ryan quit.”

“Really? So Michael finally pushed him over the edge huh?”

“Actually, I think it was a combination of Michael and Kelly and a visit by Todd Packer last Friday. We got here on Monday and all his stuff was gone.”

“Just like that? How’s Kelly taking it?”

“Not well. Apparently he didn’t let her in on his decision to leave and now he’s not returning her calls. So, yeah, that’s all I’ve heard about all week.” He paused, “It’s been a long week.”

“Aww, poor baby.”

“Hey, don’t feel too sorry for me. You should see how Michael’s handling it.”

“He’s pretty devastated?”

“More than that. The guys been depressed all week. Holed up in his office crying and eating chocolate and listening to Alanis. It’s pretty sad.”

“Please tell me you’re joking.”

“Maybe. But seriously, it’s been a rough week on the guy. With Ryan quitting and the documentary crew gone, I don’t really think he knows what to do with himself.”

“Poor guy. At least he has a girlfriend to comfort him now.”

“I don’t know Pam. She may not be enough to make him forget about Ryan. This thing goes pretty deep. I don’t know if he’ll ever be able to hire another temp again.”

“Wow… So, is it all weird in the office now that the cameras are gone?”

“Yeah, I had almost forgotten what it was like before. Everyone’s toned back down. Dwight’s even more relaxed. It’s weird though, in some ways it’s completely the same. I didn’t realize how use to the cameras I was. At the end I hardly even noticed them anymore.”

“I know what you mean. Kind of scary though right? Sometimes I wonder exactly what they caught on tape.”

Jim was quiet for a moment, “Actually, Greg told me that he would send me a copy of the documentary once it was all finished. I guess everyone gets a copy or something.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, I told him that it was okay. I didn’t really need to… um, you know. Relive it all.”

“Yeah.” Pam frowned into the mirror as the line went silent. In the back of her mind she had always known that the documentary would eventually be finished and shown to people but she still wasn’t thrilled about the idea. One of the roughest years of her life had been documented on camera and she wasn’t quite ready for that to go public.

Jim coughed, “So, has work gotten any better?”

“Well, if I ignore the condescending way Jan talks to me and constantly remind myself that it’s not going to last forever, then yeah, it’s not too bad.”

“You could always quit.”

“You’re one to talk.” Pam tucked the phone between her shoulder and ear and grabbed her toothbrush.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I mean, that you should take your own advice. Find something you actually want to do with your life.”

“I’m fine.”

She shook her head as she brushed her teeth, her words coming out slightly mumbled over the toothpaste, “Ha. You’re not fine. You hate selling paper, you hate Dunder -Mifflin and it’s about time that you left.”

“Is it?”

“Yeah. For your own sake. And mine. Because, frankly, I’m sick of hearing you complain.”

Jim laughed, “I don’t complain.”

“Oh sure. You don’t complain. You just get that sarcastic tone whenever you mention work. That tone that says, sure I love my job about as much as I’d love having each of my toe tails ripped out one by one every single day.”

“Okay, Ms. Expert On Careers Goals. What would you have me do?”

Pam spit out the toothpaste and rinsed her mouth out, noting that the irritation in his voice wasn’t necessarily directed at her. “First, don’t get all snotty with me. I’m just trying to be a friend. And second, I don’t know. What did you want to be when you were younger?”

“I told you. Professional basketball player.”

“I’m serious.”

“Guitarist in a grunge band.”

“Jim.”

“What? I really don’t know. It’s was all a long time ago. I wasn’t like you. There was never any one thing I wanted to do. Well, you know except for just living life to the fullest and enjoying my time here on earth.”

“You’re full of it.”

“Okay, maybe I just don’t want to talk about this. It’s Friday night Pam. And I didn’t call so you could lecture me. That’s my mom’s job.”

“Fine. But I’m not done with this.”

“Oh, I don’t doubt it.”

Pam rolled her eyes, “So why did you call?”

“I’m bored.”

“Oh, I’m honored.”

“Yeah well, what can I say? It's Friday night and I’m home alone, in my pajamas, making a peanut butter sandwich. So I think, I’ll call my good friend Pam because I haven’t talked to her in at least a week. And she’s the one that always saves me from boredom.”

“And how did you know I wouldn’t be partying it up in the city?”

“Maybe because you say things like ‘partying it up.’”

“Shut up.”

Jim laughed, “Well, there was also that message you left me, ‘Jim, it’s Pam. Call me later. I’ll be around all night and I just need to hear the sound of your voice.”

She snorted, “Hmm, I don’t remember saying that last part.”

“You were thinking it though.”

“If I didn’t know you better I’d say you were a cocky bastard.”

“Woah. Pam. Watch the language.”

“I’ve said worse.”

“Yeah, I’ve had the privilege of hearing it. Who knew you had such a dirty mouth?”

A hundred different comebacks whirled around in her brain, each one more scandalous than the previous and she had to bite her tongue to keep from saying anything. The silence on the other line said that Jim’s thoughts mirrored her own.

Pam grinned and dropped her toothbrush into the holder, flicked the light off and started down the hall toward her bedroom. She was met halfway by Jenny throwing open the door of her room and running into the hall.

“You done in there?”

“Yeah. Are you going somewhere?”

“Over to John’s. Don’t wait up.”

“Don’t worry.”

Jenny smirked at the phone, “Who are you talking to?”

“Jim.”

“Figures. Let me talk to him.

“No. Jenny… hey!” She threw up her hands as Jenny ignored her protests and pulled away the phone.

“Halpert. You owe me fifty bucks.”

Jim snorted, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Crazy.”

“No. No. No. Don’t think you can get out of it like that. I won that poker game fair and square. Pay up.”

“I still think you cheated.”

“Why? Because I’m a girl? Sexist pig.”

“No. Because I lose to you every time.”

“And you never learn your lesson do you?”

Jim laughed, “Okay, fine. What do you say we go double or nothing?”

Jenny cocked her eyebrow, “Intriguing. You’re really are a slow learner aren’t you?... You’re on. Next Friday. Eight o’clock. But this time we play on my turf.”

“I’ll be there.”

With a flick of her wrist Jenny tossed the phone at Pam. She wiggled her eyebrows, “You like that? Got him to come over for ya.” She danced down the hallway and Pam rolled her eyes as she put the phone back up to her ear.

“You there?”

“Yeah. You know that roommate of yours is crazy.”

“She did beat you. Several times. You’re just a sore loser.”

“Who’s side are you on here Pam?”

“Hers. Obviously.

“That really hurts. I thought we were friends.”

“Hmmm, well, I’ve known her longer.”

“That’s great. I guess I’ll just have to come over next week and impress you with my skills.”

“Oh, so, you weren’t playing to best of your abilities before?”

“ Nah, I let her win.”

“Fine Mr. Hotshot. You come over on Friday night and show me what you’re made of.”

“Oh, I plan on it.”

Pam bit her lip and shut the door to her room. She nestled the phone between her ear and her shoulder and began picking up clothes and art supplies that were scattered around the room.

“How’d your latest project go?”

“Good actually. I think I’m starting to get a handle on this whole computer design thing. Although, I have to admit that there’s still nothing better than an old fashioned colored pencil and paper.”

“How archaic of you.”

“I know. Don’t tell anyone in my class.”

“So, you working on anything new?”

“Hmm, just random sketches of the city.” She didn’t mention the ever growing pile of sketches of him that she kept in a box in the closet. Or the stash in her desk at work. Or the crumpled napkins in her purse.

It wasn’t always voluntary. Sometimes she would just be doodling at her desk and then… there he was. His face, his hands…

“What are you going to do when the class is over?”

“I’m not really sure. Jan said there might be a position opening at Dunder- Mifflin. So, you know, I wouldn’t have to leave our illustrious company.”

“How great for you.”

“I know… But uhh, Jenny has this friend who’s working on a children’s book. She showed her one of my drawings and now I guess she wants to meet with me. See if I would be interested in doing some illustrations for her.”

“Seriously? Pam that would be great.”

“I know. I don’t want to get my hopes up but… I’m actually kinda excited about the idea. I’m already working on some ideas. I know it wouldn’t pay a lot but as something on the side…”

“You should definitely do it.”

“Yeah, so, cross your fingers for me.”

“Will do.”

Pam smiled and flopped onto her bed so that she was facing the ceiling. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to imagine for a moment that he was lying there next to her. Unbidden thoughts crossed her mind and for a moment she let them, marveling in the heat that spread quickly through her body. Her hand drifted up to her neck and she remembered with alarming clarity the heat of his lips on the soft skin there.

It had only been a moment but she could look back on it now without guilt, without pain… and she did so often. Not that they ever talked about what happened in that stairwell. Not that the moment had ever been repeated.

After all, they were just friends.

“I thought about being a teacher for awhile.”

“What?” Pam was startled out of her thoughts and tried to pull his words out of the fog in her brain.

“I don’t know. It was just this brief idea in college.”

“Jim Halpert. Did you just express interest in a certain career?”

“Hey, you were the one that was all concerned that I was throwing my life away.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. You were saying?”

“It’s stupid. I just… in college I coached a middle school basketball team and I had a good time working with the kids so… it was just something I thought about. Briefly. Very briefly.

“You would be an awesome teacher.”

“Remember, I didn’t tell you this because it’s my life long dream. Just making sure that you knew I didn’t always want to work in paper.”

“I’m just saying. You should think about it again.”

“I’m going to regret telling you that, aren’t I?”

“Oh yeah.”

Pam flipped around so she could crawl under the covers. She snuggled into her pillow and yawned, “So, you got big plans for Thanksgiving?”

“Not really. I think it’s just going to be a quiet dinner with my mom and sister and brother in law. I’m saved from having to see the rest of the family until Christmas.”

“Does someone have unresolved family issues?”

Jim laughed, “Not exactly. The big problem is my cousin’s kids. Last year they were under the impression that I was some sort of human jungle gym. I think they have some sort of unspoken challenge between them to see who can send me over the edge of insanity.”

“Somehow I doubt that. I’ve seen you with kids. They love you.”

“Oh, normal kids maybe. These are not normal kids. These are the spawns of something evil.”

“I thought you said they were your cousin’s kids.”

“Yeah. I rest my case.”

Pam giggled, “Got it. Remind me to stay away from your extended family.”

“Not a problem. So, how about you? Is your whole family getting together?”

“Oh yeah. Another Beesly Family Thanksgiving. The whole clan gets together every year. My mom and my grandma and all my aunts cook all day while the men and kids play football in the backyard. Then we all get together around a table so long we have to stick it in the hallway and everyone has to say something they’re thankful for.”

“Sounds nice.”

“Yeah, usually it is. But this is the first time I’ve seen everyone since… And I’m not really looking forward to answering all the questions. Plus there’s that extra bonus that I will be the only single person there this year.”

“Trust me Pam, it happens to the best of us.”

“God. My little sister’s even bringing her boyfriend. Granted he’s got six piercings and three visible tattoos and makes the vein in my dad’s head bulge but at least she’s got someone. Then there’s my brother Sam who just proposed to his girlfriend so he’ll be sickeningly happy. And my brother David who’s barely spoken a word to me since the wedding was called off. So yeah, it should be fun.”

“Well, if you need backup, you can call me. Besides, my mom would probably love to say hi.”

“Hmm, that would be nice. I miss talking to your mom.” She yawned loudly again.

“Pam?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you falling asleep?

“No… Maybe a little.”

“Okay. Then why are you still talking to me? Go to sleep.”

“Fine.”

They both paused awkwardly, as they always seemed to do when it came to this point in the conversation.

“I guess I’ll talk to you later. Night Pam.”

“Night Jim.”

She flipped the phone closed and rubbed her ear.

It was getting increasingly difficult to hang up when she talked to him.

Try as she might, she could not erase that growing desire to see his face when he whispered goodnight. The desire to snuggle into his warmth and feel his arms around her.

Pam closed eyes and sighed into her pillow, finally drifting to sleep on the image of what might be. Someday.

June 2, 2007 7:48 pm

Pam had always dreamed of a big wedding. Lots of guests and flowers and music and dancing and food… the whole nine yards of wedding extravaganza. She dreamed about a long white wedding dress and a huge bouquet of lilies and walking toward her future husband with tears in her eyes. And everything would be absolutely perfect.

This was of course until she began to plan an actual wedding. When suddenly there wasn’t enough money for the perfect dress and the wedding photographer was a family friend named Stan who was known for taking blurry pictures and the bridesmaids all hated their dresses and her future husband seemed to care more about the bachelor party than picking out a wedding band.

When all was said and done, the whole thing was just a royal pain in the ass. Especially when there was no wedding in the end anyway.

Pam thought about this as she stood in the midst of the reception hall at her older brother’s wedding, surrounded by giggling bridesmaids who were strung out on champagne and loneliness and the possibility of going home with one of the eligible groomsmen.

She wondered what she ever saw in the big production of a wedding, telling herself that if she ever did decide to get married she’ll just elope. Run off with her fiancé and get married barefoot on a beach somewhere.

The idea appealed to her. Made her smile enough that her eyes crinkled and when she caught sight of her date across the room she wondered about his opinion of the subject.

He caught her eye and grinned and they nodded to each other in silent understanding.

“Oh my God, Pam. He’s adorable. Absolutely adorable. If you’re not going to go for him, you mind if I…”

“Oh shut up Jessica, it’s obvious that she’s in love with him. Besides you have a boyfriend.”

“And I’d gladly drop him for a test drive on that.”

“You want me to let Jason know?”

“If you do, I’ll…”

“Will you two shut up? So… Pam, what does Roy think about you bringing this Jim guy to the wedding?”

Pam downed the rest of her champagne and looked upward for some relief. Any act of God to get her out of the damn reception hall and away from her former classmates.

“I actually haven’t talked to Roy in awhile.”

“Really?” Shannon shook her head sadly, “I saw him a couple weeks ago. I heard he’s dating some bartender chick.” She looked around at the other girls knowingly.

“Great for him.”

“God, it must be so hard for you to hear something like that. I mean, you did almost marry the guy. I bet you’re starting to regret it huh? Roy was one of the cutest guys in high school.”

Pam clenched her jaw, “Good thing we’re not still in high school then.”

Shannon smirked and opened her mouth to reply but was interrupted as Emily pranced into the middle of the group with an overly excited look on her face.

“Oh my God! Girl talk time and no one invited me? Guys, I’m really hurt… So, what are we talking about? Boys? Clothes? Nail polish? Oh my God. I’m so excited. They came out with a new color of red. It’s called Totally Heinous Bitch. Actually, Shannon, I bet it would look fantastic on you.”

Pam bit back her laughter at the look that crossed over Shannon’s face. She grabbed her sister’s arm, “Hey, Em, why don’t you come with me to get a refill. I’ll talk to you guys later.” She dragged Emily away and let out a breath of relief.

“Thank you.”

“No problem. Shannon Smithers always was a bitch.”

“I think she used to have a thing for Roy.”

“Used to?”

Pam looked back at the group with a concerned look on her face, “You don’t think Roy would go for someone like her do you?”

Emily rolled her eyes as she asked the bartender for two more glasses of champagne, “What, are you jealous?”

“No. But… I mean, Roy could do a lot better than Shannon Smithers.”

“Well, if it means anything, I would have to say that not even Roy’s dumb enough to hook up with any of those girls.

Pam smiled and Emily watched her out of the corner of her eye, “So, have you talked to him lately?”

“Not since he came to New York that one time.” She looked around at the clustered groups of her family and old friends, “Leslie and Sam could have invited him. I wouldn’t have minded…”

“Okay, sure. I’m sure that’s just the kind of awkwardness that they wanted at their wedding. Besides, if Roy had come, he and Jim probably would have exchanged words and then they would have dueled and your pretty boy date’s face would have been ruined.”

“Jim is not a pretty boy.”

Emily surveyed him from across the room, “Maybe you’re right…. Yeah, he’s really not all that attractive.”

Pam’s smile dropped a little, “What?” She shook her head, “Umm, you don’t think he’s…”

“I don’t know.” Emily took a sip of her champagne, “He’s got that whole tall thing going for him but… meh.”

“Meh? Are you kidding me? He’s… Jim’s… I mean maybe it’s not something you see right away but sometimes he just smiles at you and it’s like everything gets a little warmer and…” Pam stopped short at the smirk on Emily’s face. “I hate you.”

“Wow. You are so far gone.”

“I am not.”

“Everything gets a little warmer? I never heard you talk about Roy like that.”

Pam bit her tongue.

“I do have to admit. Jim’s got a lot on your former fiancé. I don’t know him very well but he’s got a certain quality…”

Pam allowed a smile to cross her face, “What certain quality?”

“Hmm, long fingers.” Emily wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

Pam choked over her champagne and stared at her sister, “Excuse me?”

“Oh come on. Like you haven’t thought about it.”

A deep red spread over Pam’s face and Emily laughed loudly, “I knew it!”

“Shh…” Several people turned to them curiously and Pam ducked her head, “Will you stop? Jim and I are just friends and I’m tired of people implying otherwise.”

“Just friends.” Emily snorted, “Sure. And that’s why you guys couldn’t take your eyes off each other during the entire ceremony.”

Pam shook her head, “Alright, I’m leaving now.”

“Fine.” Her sister’s face suddenly dropped a little and she cocked her head to the right, “Why don’t you go talk to David?”

Pam looked and saw their brother leaning against the wall near the DJ. She felt her heart constrict a little. David had been Roy’s best friend ever since fifth grade and he hadn’t responded well when the wedding had been called off. In fact, the two siblings hadn’t spoken so much as three words to each other since the past June. He hadn’t shown up to Thanksgiving and at Christmas they had avoided even looking at each other. The whole family was feeling the effect and Pam knew that someone would have to give at some point.

“He doesn’t want to talk to me.”

Emily sighed in frustration, “The two of you are acting like five year olds. Just get over it.”

“I’m not the one…” She stopped when Emily held up her hand.

“I don’t want to hear it. Now get yourself over there and be a grown up.”

“You sound like mom.”

“Thanks. Now go.”

Pam turned and took a deep breath. She began walking toward her brother but stopped at the last moment and veered off to the bathroom. It could wait a few more minutes.

Not that he would have ever even considered turning her down.

Because God help him, over the past year he had fallen even more in love with her.

He wondered sometimes if there was a limit to how much it was possible to love a person. If there ever came a point where it just became too full, too much… But then she would smile and wink at him and he would know with complete certainty that love was actually bottomless and that if he lived his entire life with this woman he would never get enough of her.

Not that she was ready to return that sentiment. Not that he would ever dream of pushing her.

But it didn’t help that she had slipped ever deeper into his life, filling into all the little cracks and leaving traces of herself in everything she touched.

At night after hanging up the phone he would still hear her laugher in his ear and it was hard to sleep because he liked to imagine that she was there, in his arms, her head on his pillow.

Sometimes when she came to visit and it got too late she would sleep on his couch and in the morning he would hear her in the bathroom and something about that seemed perfect to him. It happened often enough that sometimes he would find her shirts in his laundry and it made them both smile when he gave them back because when she wore them she would smell like him.

He tried not to leave too many things at her apartment because she had a tendency not to give them back but one time he had seen her wearing his old Scranton St. Patrick’s Day shirt so he didn’t really complain.

It was times like that when he had a difficult time not telling her everything he felt.

Because he knew that she felt the same.

He could see it in her eyes but there was also hesitancy there so he didn’t say anything. The silence continued and he waited…

Coming to her brother’s wedding was still a bad idea. And not just because her other brother had been shooting him daggers all day.

No, it had more to do with the fact that Pam was on bridesmaid duty and he had barely gotten a chance to talk to her since the ceremony. Occasionally he would look up from a conversation and she would catch his gaze and roll her eyes a little and he couldn’t wait to take her aside and maybe ask her to dance.

He had always found her to be beautiful, had always loved her hair and the fact that she didn’t spend so much time on her makeup. Her smile was enough to light up a room and make his palms sweat. But today she was incredible. As a bridesmaid she was wearing a pale pink, spaghetti strap dress that showed her slim shoulders. Her hair was in loose curls around her face and she was wearing a light shade of shimmering pink lip-gloss.

Her words before the ceremony came back to him then:

“Emily made me put some of her lip gloss on. Does it look ridiculous?”

He shook his head, “No. You look… nice.”

Pam smiled and her tongue darted out to touch her lips, “It’s vanilla flavored.” She giggled, “Part of me just wants to lick it off.”

Jim wondered if Pam was aware of the effect her words had on him. It was a little hard to hear those flirtatious words coming from her mouth and not pick her up and kiss her senseless. Sometimes though, he liked to think that she knew exactly what she was doing.

“How are you enjoying yourself?”

He looked up as Pam’s mom walked over to him with a smile on her face.

“Great. Thanks. It was a nice wedding.”

Lynn smiled, “I thought so too. Leslie’s parents did a pretty good job. Although, I have to admit that I was thankful to be the mother of the groom this time.” She stopped herself, “Well… you know what I mean.”

Jim nodded and accepted a glass of champagne from a passing waiter.

“How’s work going?”

“It’s fine. Thanks.”

“Hmm. Did Pam ever mention the fact that I’ve been teaching for the past twenty-five years?”

Jim froze with the glass halfway to his lips.

Of course. A knowing smile crossed his face and he shook his head, “She has actually.”

Lynn smiled, “After my children, it’s been the most rewarding experience of my life.”

“I bet it has.”

“If you ever wanted to hear any stories, talk about it, anything… I’m always available.”

Jim laughed, “That daughter of yours isn’t anything if not persistent.”

Lynn tilted her glass toward him, “Don’t forget stubborn.”

“Don’t I know it.” Jim glanced around the hall again with a smile. Pam had been bugging him for months about teaching. E-mailing him articles, slipping little comments into their conversation, leaving brochures for credentialing programs in his bedroom… It would have been annoying, aggravating really, if it weren’t for the fact that he had actually begun to read the articles and glance through the brochures and listen to the comments. Not that he was ready to tell that to Pam.

“She cares about you.”

Jim nodded but decided not to say anything. Lynn smiled and eyed him out of the corner of her eye, “I don’t pretend to know everything that goes on in my children’s lives. They do things that I’ll never understand sometimes. But I’ve learned to live with it, stay out of it. Much less messy that way. And Pam…” she paused and took a deep breath, watched with a smile as her youngest daughter led the kids around the dance floor in a conga line. She turned to face him.

“She’s happier now with her new job and the move, than she’s been in a long time. And whatever part you played in that I just want to say thank you.”

Jim shook his head and stared into his glass, “She didn’t need me to do it.”

“No of course not. But I’m thanking you anyways. And I advise you to just accept the thanks. I can be just as stubborn as my daughter.”

“Alright. Will do.”

“Good… Now, tell me. What grade are you interested in teaching?”

“Hey.”

She turned and leaned against the wall next to her brother. He stiffened and continued looking out toward the dance floor.

“How’ve you been?”

“Fine. You?”

“Good.”

Pam paused as David purposely directed his gaze away from her, locking his eyes on a patch of floor by his feet.

“That was a great toast you gave. I…”

“Pam?” He looked up at her with a shake of his head, “Don’t.”

Her shoulders sagged. “What?”

“Don’t pretend like everything’s normal between us.”

“Why not?”

David pulled himself off the wall and took a step away. “Because, it’s not.”

Pam wasn’t going to let him get away just like that. She knew that the words needed to be spoken, “You can’t hate me for this.”

His eyes darkened and he scanned the room, his eyes landing on where his mom and Jim stood talking together at the edge of the dance floor. He pointed his thumb, “Everyone seems to love your new boyfriend.”

“He’s not my… You know what? I don’t have to justify him to you. I don’t have to justify myself.”

“Right.” He gave a curt laugh, “No need to justify cheating.”

Pam’s eyes widened, “Cheating? Is that what Roy told you?”

“He said there was something going on between you and some guy from work.” David shook his head, “I didn’t think you had it in you.”

Her eyes filled with tears and she pursed her lips in frustration, “You’re my brother. How could you think those things about me?”

His face softened slightly when he saw the tears in her eyes and he sighed in resignation, “I don’t really know what to think.” He rested his hand on her shoulder, “Come on Pam. The guy loves you. He misses you.”

Pam closed her eyes, “I miss him too.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“It’s not that simple David.” She took a step away and tried to clear her thoughts. Tried to think of a way to make her brother understand, “It’s got to be about more than missing each other. I wasn’t… I wasn’t always happy when I was with Roy. When I was in Scranton. I needed something more…”

“Jim?”

“No, not necessarily. I needed… I don’t know… something…” Her voice trailed off and she stared down at her feet, scuffing the floor with the heel of her shoe. David continued to watch her, folding his arms over his chest.

“Are you still in love with Roy?”

Pam closed her eyes. Tried to picture him in her mind. All she could come up with was the image of him at ten years old, looking down at her with tears in his eyes.

“No.”

“Are you in love with this other guy?”

“I don’t… I don’t know…” she said in a whisper.

“Well, maybe you should make up your mind.”

Pam looked up at the sharpness in his voice, “What?”

“You know, before you step all over someone else’s feelings.”

Her mouth dropped open as he stared coldly at her. She shook her head, clenching her jaw and breathing hard through her teeth.

“Fuck you.”

David looked slightly started but Pam didn’t wait to hear what he had to say. She had had enough and with that she turned around and walked as fast as she could to the back door of the hall, slamming it as she went out.

He watched as she walked across the hall, exiting through the same door Pam had moments earlier. He could see David skulking in the corner and had to fight the desire to go and punch him in the face.

“She’ll live.”

He turned around to see Emily with her hands on her hips, a knowing smirk on her face.

“My sister’s not going to break. She’s stronger than anyone gives her credit for.”

Jim nodded with a smile, “I know.”

“And David? He’s always been a little shit. Eventually, he’ll get over it.”

“Good.”

Emily sighed and grabbed his hand, “Come dance with me.”

“Umm….”

She rolled her eyes, “Don’t worry, I’m not going to try and seduce you. I wouldn’t do that to Pam… Besides you’re totally not my type.”

He smiled, “Okay then.”

They joined the other couples on the dance floor swaying in time to the music.

“So, what exactly are your intentions with my sister?”

“Huh?”

“Don’t play dumb. You’re in love with my sister. And I want to know what your intentions are in that.” Emily looked up at him expectantly and Jim scratched his face. It was better to just pretend that he didn’t know what she was talking about but she continued to eye him and he had the uncomfortable sense that his face was betraying his feelings.

She rolled her eyes, “Have you ever actually told her how you feel?”

He had to admire her directness. With a shake of his head he admitted defeat. “She knows.”

“Okay… and obviously you don’t know my sister as well as you think you do if you think that’s enough.”

Jim looked over the top of Emily’s head, in thought. Maybe that was true. He thought about the Booze Cruise for a moment. It had to have been blatantly obvious what he had wanted to say. But that hadn’t been enough. In the parking lot on the night of his going away party he had practically told her that he was leaving because she was getting married.

Maybe it wasn’t enough.

“What you really need to do is just lay one on her.”

He quirked an eyebrow, “You think so?”

“Oh yeah. She’s obviously in this horrific state of constant indecision so she’s not going to do anything. So… it’s up to you.”

Jim nodded. The chances that he would actually take Emily’s advice was slim. He really didn’t think he would have ever the balls to just… kiss her.

But the thought was appealing.

“She wasn’t going to marry Roy, you know.”

“Huh?”

“They were never really going to get married. I knew that from the beginning. Of course, I was a little worried when we were two days away from it and neither of them had called them off… but I knew it would never happen.”

“How did you know that?”

“She’s smarter than that… And if it had actually gotten to the point where she was going to walk down the aisle, Sam, Leslie and I were going to grab her, throw her in the trunk of her car and drive her to Canada until she came to her senses.”

Jim held back a laugh, “If you all felt that way, then why…”

“Beesly Stubbornness. You should know by now that you can’t tell that woman to do anything.”

­­­­­­­­­­­

“Yeah… I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine.”

Pam shook her head and leaned back against the railing of the steps leading to the parking lot, “Your son is a jackass.”

Lynn tilted her head to the side, “Don’t worry about David. He’ll come around. This hasn’t been easy on him.”

“Oh, and it’s a piece of cake for me to start my life over?”

“Of course not. I think the two of you just need to try and understand each other.”

Pam shook her head, feeling the anger welling up inside her chest, “Well, I don’t want to understand him.”

“He’s your brother.”

“He thinks I cheated on Roy! What am I supposed to do with that?”

“I think he knows you better than that. It’s just going to take some time. Have some patience.”

“I don’t… Dammit.” Pam dropped down to sit on the top step, resting her head in her hands. Sometimes her mother’s unfailing rationality was infuriating.

Lynn moved to sit, draping one arm around her daughter’s shoulders. “Don’t worry about it right now.”

“How can I not?” She bit her lip, Sometimes I feel like I ruined everything… I feel like…” She rubbed her temples, “I’m so fucked up.”

Her mom’s eyebrows went up and Pam sighed, “Sorry. I just… everything was so much easier a year ago.”

“That may be true. But would you want to go back?”

Pam turned her head and regarded her mom with a thoughtful stare. Would she go back? Would she really give it all up to be back in a time where she at least knew the direction her life was going? The previous year had been a blur of tears and frustration and heartache. But in the midst of all that…

When the internship was over she had quit her job at Dunder- Mifflin to take an equally low paying job at a publishing house. Still a receptionist but she was taking art classes and collaborating with Jenny’s friend Rebecca on a new children’s book and for the first time she felt like she really had the chance to move up.

Jenny had moved in with John a few months earlier and Pam had found herself, for the first time in her life, living alone. Of course, she was in a one bedroom, cramped apartment run by a landlord who didn’t seem to care when her hot water wasn’t working. But she was on her own and there was something so liberating about coming in at night and snuggling up on the couch to watch whatever she wanted.

Then of course, there was Jim.

If there was ever any doubt that they could have a relationship that extended beyond the office, it had been wiped away. In the past few months he had quickly solidified the title of her best friend and though they joked about being BFF’s Pam knew that there was no one in the world she felt as close to as him. No one in the world that she felt so… comfortable with.

At first she had been scared to let him take up such a large part of her life. But the closer they got, the more completely right it felt.

With Roy it had been different. With Roy she had felt like she needed him to survive. He was her support. Her lifeline. Her everything. And when he was gone all she could do was fall…

Jim was supportive too of course. He always had been. The difference was though that he gave her strength. He let her stand on her own.

There was something so essentially exhilarating about being independent and still being able to love someone so completely.

Not that she loved Jim…

Although there really was no denying the way a simple touch or smile from him could turn her stomach all warm and wobbly.

Despite every painful thing from the past year she couldn’t give up those feelings.

“I guess not.”

Lynn smiled encouragingly, “Jim’s a nice guy.”

“Yeah, he’s great.”

“You’ve been seeing a lot of him lately.”

“Mom.”

“I’m just saying...” She reached over and cupped Pam’s chin in her hand, “I like seeing you smile again.”

Pam managed a half grin and rolled her eyes, “Nothing’s going on between us.”

“Hmm.”

“What? I’m serious.”

“I know you are… I just want to make sure that you’re not being too cautious here.”

Pam threw up her hands, “What do you want me to do? Steal him off to some remote corner somewhere and declare my undying love?”

“No. I want you to figure out what makes you happy and just… grab onto it. Sometimes it’s that simple.” She gave her daughter a smile, “It doesn’t always have to end like it did with Roy.”

Pam swallowed, “I thought I loved Roy. What if… what if Jim and I do get together and it doesn’t work out? What then? All I’ll have is another broken heart and I’ll lose my best friend.”

“Stop thinking so hard. When I met your father there were a millions reasons why I should have stayed away from him. There were a million reasons why it could have ended disastrously. But I realized that I had to let those fears go and just… love him. And I think that it all worked out pretty well, don’t you?”

Pam smiled as she thought about her parents’ marriage, the way they played off each other in everything they did. When she was younger she had liked to think of them as two pieces of a puzzle that just fit together perfectly. She had always wanted someone that she just fit with. Not someone to complete her or match her because she knew now that the idea was absurd. But someone to fit her. Like her parents fit together.

Lynn placed a kiss on her daughter’s head and stood up, “Don’t be afraid to take a chance on something sometime sweetie.”

The words were familiar and Pam shook her head, “Thanks mom.”

“Mmm Hmm… And Pam?”

She looked up at her mom expectantly.

“You’re not fucked up.”

Jim choked as the champagne caught in his throat. He coughed and sputtered, “No sir.”

Luke Beesley nodded sharply and Jim wondered briefly if it was possible to run screaming out the door without causing too much embarrassment for Pam.

“Then you have no idea where I’m coming from. You don’t know what it’s like to be a father and see your child in pain. My daughters… and my sons are very important to me. I don’t want to ever see them hurt.”

“Of course not.”

Luke regarded him for a moment, “Good.” And with that he turned and walked away.

Jim stood there for a moment, his face frozen in a mix of confusion and slight terror.

“The fish was not that bad.” Pam sidled up to him with an amused look on her face.

He laughed, “Oh, uh… no, it’s not that.” He looked down at her and smiled, “The fish was great.”

“Not soft shell crab but…”

“Still good.”

“Right.” Pam grinned and peered around him to see her dad and her uncle laughing about something. “I saw you talking to my dad.”

“Yeah…”

She noticed the look that crossed his face, “What did he say to you?”

“Nothing.”

“Jim… did he say something? Because, I told him….”

Jim shook his head, “No. He uh, he told me that I should ask one of the bridesmaids to dance.”

Pam held back a smile and arched an eyebrow, “Yeah? Which one were you thinking about?”

“Hmm.” He searched the crowd, “I was kinda thinking about that shorter, blond one with her hair up in that barrette thing. What’s her name?”

“Katie.”

He looked down at her, “Seriously?”

Pam watched her brother and new sister- in -law circling the dance floor together, “It’s an ironic world isn’t it?”

Jim followed her gaze, “Seems like they’re happy.”

“Yeah, well… I always knew they would get married. And they’ve been together forever so it’s about time.” She got a faraway look in her eyes, “They’ll be happy though.” She shook her head and looked up at him, “So… who did you decide to dance with?”

“Well, I would ask you but I’ve got this sneaking suspicion that you’ve got two left feet.”

Pam’s mouth dropped open in mock shock, “So not true. Besides… I didn’t step on your feet the last time we danced did I?”

Jim looked at her curiously, “We never danced.”

“Hmm, I don’t know. Swaying is kinda like dancing isn’t it?”

A large smile spread across Jim’s face, “That’s what I’ve been saying.”

Without another word she reached down and slipped her hand into his, leading him amongst the other couples. When they got to the middle of the dance floor she turned, keeping one hand in his, the other resting tentatively on his chest.

His heart was pounding.

She smiled up at him and stepped closer.

He tightened the grasp on her hand and circled his arm around her waist, pulling her closer so their bodies were flush against each other.

Her breath hitched.

They fit.

He grinned back down at her as they began moving in slow circles and she could feel a familiar heat begin to spread from her stomach to her toes. Her fervent prayer was that it didn’t reach her face. For god sake, she was twenty-six years old. She didn’t need to be blushing at his closeness.

The song changed then and they both looked up to see what would play. As if somehow it would matter.

When the opening bars of Cindy Lauper’s “Time After Time” came straining through the speakers Jim pursed his lips and cocked his head to the side, “Huh, great song.”

Pam giggled and ducked her head against the lapel of his suit, “This is horrible.” She could feel him shaking with laughter and stole a look back up at him. He just shook his head and rolled his eyes upward.

“This is why I’m not having a DJ at my wedding.”

“ Really? And what kind of music will you have?”

“Kevin’s Steve Miller Tribute Band.” He nodded at her seriously when she made a face at him. “Actually, I guess it’s a Police cover band now. They call themselves Scrantonicity. And I’m completely serious. I’ve heard them. They’re not bad.”

“Okay. Good luck with that.”

“Oh, like you could do better.”

“Better than Scrantonicity? Probably. But… I’ve actually decided to got forego the whole wedding thing. Elope. Get married on a beach somewhere. So much simpler.”

Jim grinned, “I like that idea.”

Pam caught his eye and swallowed at the unspoken words that passed between them in that moment. She pictured him barefoot on the sand and something in the image made her want to cry. It caught for a moment in her throat and she settled her head on his chest so he couldn’t see the tears that were threatening to spill from her eyes.

It wasn’t sadness. Just a deep welling of feeling. For a long time she had forgotten that it was even possible to feel like that. To feel so deep and real.

She closed her eyes and smiled when she felt his lips brush over the top of her head. Didn’t have to look up to know that he was smiling too.

July 19, 2007, 7:45 am

Five years, four months and five days.

An entire lifetime.

He looked up at the window of Michael’s office and remembered his first day, five years, four months and five days ago.

It wasn’t supposed to be like it was. It wasn’t supposed to be forever. It wasn’t supposed to be a lifetime. His lifetime. His everything.

And now it wasn’t.

After today he wouldn’t be back. He would never again take that ten minute drive from his house to the stark gray Scranton Business Park parking lot.

That lifetime was over.

As he grabbed his bag and trekked through the parking lot he tried to wrap his mind around what that meant. What it meant not to come back. To be done with it.

There was a weight, pressing and lifting. Pressing and lifting and he struggled to relax.

Five years, four months and five days of wanting, needing desperately to be done with it, to leave, to move on and up and now he felt almost… sad.

Was that even the right emotion? Sad?

Melancholy? Bittersweet? Nostalgic?

He shook his head as he trudged up the stairs, each step echoing the pulsing in his head.

After five years of sitting at the same desk and staring at the same people and calling the same customers he had finally decided that enough was enough. It was time to take the plunge.

Jump.

A better job offer. A new city. A new apartment.

A smile crossed his face he as thought of the place he had found only a few blocks away from Pam. Over the past weekend she had come over to help paint the walls and unpack the first few boxes. It should have been pretty simple but it wasn’t until ten o’clock Sunday night that they had collapsed in the middle of his living room, both covered in paint. The boxes remained unpacked as they talked and laughed into the night until Jim had to leave to take the drive back to Scranton one last time.

The image of Pam, her hair streaked with blue paint, laughing excitedly in his living room about how she was going to help him decorate was the one he was going to hold onto that day.

It was something he did often: picked an image of her and conjured it up in his mind during the day. He would close his eyes and see her smiling, see her laughing and there was so much comfort in that. Especially now, especially when they seemed so close… to something…

He thought of her excited little squeal of excitement when he told her the plan. The way she had wrapped her arms around his neck and told him he could do anything. And the way she said it made him almost believe it that it was true.

She made it easier to jump.

He had never before realized exactly how scared he had been. All those times when he told her to take a chance on something, to go out and find what made her happy, he had been lying to himself.

Hypocrite.

Over the years, Dunder-Mifflin had become like a drug. He was dependant on the consistency, numbed by it’s toxicity, stunted by it’s deadly dullness. In the end it was slowly killing him and like a drug the first step was admitting it to himself.

And after that it got easier.

He got the first job he applied for at a computer software company located in New York. It wasn’t perfect. He would still be a sales rep and he would be making less to start. But it was different and that was enough. For now.

For now it was just enough to be leaving Scranton.

When he got upstairs to the office he suddenly realized that he was early. That he hadn’t been early in five years, four months and four days and that he had no clue how he was going to spend the next eight hours. What does one do on the last day of work?

Lizzy was already sitting at the receptionist desk taking down the messages. She grinned at Jim when he walked in and he gave her a little wave as he sat down at his desk.

In the past year Dunder-Mifflin’s Scranton branch had gone through five receptionists. Janice had quit soon after the cameras left much to the relief of Michael and well, every single other person in the office. Then there was Cindy who had lasted three weeks, Melissa who had lasted two and Christine who didn’t even make it through her first day. After lunch she just… hadn’t come back.

Lizzy was a recent college graduate and had a spunkiness about her that reminded Jim of Katy. She even had the red hair to match. So far she had lasted about a month and if only for the fact that she somehow managed to keep Michael under control and ignore his uncanny ability to make an ass of himself.

She hung up the phone and turned to him, “So, last day huh?”

“Yup.”

“Excited?”

He shrugged, “Not really.”

She snorted, “Sure. Like, you’re not going to be doing some kind of happy dance when you leave here tonight.”

“Lizzy. I think you underestimate how much I love this job. No. When I get home I’m going to cry my eyes out.”

“Uh-huh. Whatever.” She looked back toward the door, “And just to warn you, Michael’s got the party planning committee putting together a surprise going away party for you.” She lifted an eyebrow, “I think he’s got a speech planned.”

Jim grimaced, “I kinda figured he would do something like that. You think I can sneak out of here and just call it quits now?”

Lizzy opened her mouth to reply but then shut it quickly and looked back at her computer screen when Michael walked in the door.

“Lizzy!”

“Hey Michael.”

“How’s my favorite little red--.” He turned to see Jim and his shoulders dropped.”

“Jimbo.”

“Michael.”

“Well, I guess this is it. You’re leaving us today. For the big city. The big Apple.” His voice was getting increasingly higher pitched as he went on and Jim had to purse his lips to keep from grinning too much.

“I heard a statistic on the radio today. Apparently more people will be mugged in New York this year than will be struck by lightning.”

Jim leaned back in his chair and nodded, “That makes sense.”

Michael thought about it for a second and shook his head, “No, that wasn’t it… More people will be struck by lightning than mugged in New York… No… I…” A pained expression crossed his face as he continued shaking his head, “Never mind…”

Jim swiveled in his chair to watch him march into his office and slam the door in frustration.

Lizzy snorted, “He’s really going to miss you.”

“Yeah, and I’m not really sure why…”

Jim noticed then that the message light on his phone was blinking. He picked up the receiver and punched in his code.

“You have three unheard messages… beep… Hey Jim, it’s Pam. Just wishing you good luck on your last day. Try to keep your excitement at a minimum. And whatever you do, don’t let Michael talk you into staying… beep… Hey, it’s me. So, get this. I’m walking to work and this guy stops me on the street and tells me I look like this girl from a show on NBC. How weird is that?... beep… Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam. Please hold… Sorry, I just thought you might like to hear that on your last day. For old time sake. Anyway, um… I’ll be thinking about you today…”

Jim let a huge smile cross his face as he saved the messages and hung up the phone.

I’ll be thinking about you today.

Yes. They were definitely close to something.

He looked up then and pursed his lips in amusement.

“Hey Dwight.”

Dwight stood tentatively by the reception area and glanced suspiciously from his desk to Jim’s smile.

“Something wrong buddy?”

“You’re here early.”

Jim checked his watch, “Huh, yeah, I guess I am.”

“Why are you here so early?”

“Just excited to get the day started.”

Dwight’s eyes narrowed and darted back and forth as he approached his desk and scanned the area as if something was going to jump out and attack him.

“What did you do?”

“Nothing. Why?”

“I don’t trust you.”

“Dwight. I told you. I’m not going to do anything to you this week. Kind of as a parting gift.”

“Right Jim. Like I’m just going to believe you. I’ve been trained to detect a liar and you are lying.” He leaned forward and stared at him, “Your eyes tell me everything.”

Jim leaned toward him, “You have pretty eyes too Dwight.”

“I… you… Damn it Jim! Tell me what you have planned!”

“Don’t yell at him today… not today Dwight.” Michael emerged from his office again, his face tight with emotion.

“I want to file a complaint against Jim.”

“I didn’t do anything.”

“Yet…”

“You can’t file a complaint against him when he hasn’t even done anything yet. Besides, it doesn’t matter anyway… Jim’s leaving us today. Forever.”

“Good.”

Michael scowled, “Will you have a little respect here Dwight? This is an emotional day for us all. So just… have a little respect.”

Jim looked upward and shook his head, a small smile playing at his lips. For some reason Michael had taken it really hard when Jim had handed him his two weeks notice. At first he had played it off as a joke but when he realized that Jim was completely serious his face had fallen and for a moment he looked as if he was actually going to cry.

Jim knew that Michael was lonely. Knew that he held on tightly to whatever thread of a relationship was offered his way because maybe that was all he had. When Ryan had left he had been inconsolable. When Packer was fired a few months later he was crushed that his BFF would no longer be coming around the premises. The simultaneous breakup with his girlfriend Carol and Jan’s promotion up the Dunder-Mifflin corporate ranks had left him single and subject to a new humorless boss who was even more unwilling to put up with his crap than Jan had ever been.

The past year had been rough on Scranton’s regional manager and Jim had felt bad about giving his two weeks notice to top it all off.

“You still have me Michael.” Dwight smiled happily but Michael closed his eyes and sighed heavily.

“That’s not… helping.” He clenched his fists and looked around, “Lizzy are there any messages?”

“Barbara wants you to call her,” she replied, speaking of the new corporate manager.

“Oh god.” Michael threw his head back and groaned, “That’s great. Just great.” He disappeared into his office again and Jim turned back to look at Dwight who was turning over everything on his desk examine the bottom.

“What are you doing?”

Dwight smiled, “Thwarting your plans. Nothing gets by me today.”

Jim rolled his eyes and picked up the phone, “We’ll see.”

10:24 am

“I thought you were coming over tonight.”

“We already had this discussion. I’m not coming over. Not tonight and not tomorrow night. Not until you’re ready to ask me that question.”

Dwight glanced around the room and turned back to Angela, “What question?”

“You know what question,” she answered with a hiss.

Jim stopped outside the doorway, unsure of whether or not to interrupt the argument. Dwight and Angela were still working under the assumption that no one had any idea about their bizarre relationship despite the fact that everyone knew. Everyone that is except Michael who remained ever clueless about the goings on around his office and Creed who was just… clueless.

“What if I’m not ready?”

“Then I’m not coming over anymore.”

“Can’t we talk about this?”

Angela squared her jaw and folded her arms over her chest, “Fine. Tonight. But only to talk.”

She gave one last sharp look then turned on her heel and marched out of the break room past Jim. Dwight stared forlornly at the Three Musketeers bar she had shoved in his hand when she left.

“Lover’s quarrel?”

“No. It’s none of your business.”

“Okay.” Jim scanned the soda machine, selected the grape favored and dropped in his quarters.

“Question.”

“What’s up Dwight?”

“Exactly how would one go about asking someone to marry them?”

The clang of the soda can falling echoed through the break room. Jim straightened and turned around, pursing his lips in amusement.

“I’m flattered. But don’t you think this is a little rushed? I mean, I haven’t even met your parents yet.”

Dwight narrowed his eyes, “Not you.”

“Oh.” Jim popped the top on his soda, “Thought you were proposing.”

“I’m talking about my girlfriend.”

“Okaaay. Sure. It that’s what you want me to believe…”

“You know what? Never mind. I don’t need you.” Dwight stormed out of the room and Jim frowned.

He didn’t like the feeling of guilt that was rising in his stomach. It was unsettling.

Guilt?

Five years of pranks came to his mind. Putting nickels in his phone, moving his desk into the bathroom, putting the contents of his desk into the vending machine, locking him in the conference room, super gluing everything to his desk, convincing him it was Friday instead of Thursday, the alliance, the dojo fight, the jello… the list went on and on…

Guilt?

Maybe a little.

But he deserved it. One hundred percent deserved the ridiculous things that had happened to him. Didn’t he?

Jim suddenly found himself wondering if he should have spent more time actually getting to know Dwight, trying to figure out what made him the way he was.

Then he cringed, remembering that Dwight was still Dwight.

Things were better off the way they were.

There was no point in regretting it all now.

12:10 pm

Kelly sighed, “Jim, it is so romantic that you’re going all the way to New York for Pam. It’s like on Felicity when she decided not to go to Medical school and followed Ben all the way across the country. I mean, it’s not like you’ll be going all the way across the country. New York’s only a couple hours a way. But if a guy did that for me I would totally fall in love with him. Not that Pam’s not already in love with you. Because she totally is.” She sighed again, “Isn’t it romantic Lizzy?”

The receptionist nodded her head in agreement, “I’d marry my boyfriend if he ever decided to move his ass out here. So yeah, it’s romantic. Completely swoonworthy.”

Jim took a bit of a chip and shook his head, “I’m not moving to New York to be with Pam… And swoonworthy?”

Kelly and Lizzy shared a look, “Oh yeah.”

Creed walked in at that moment and opened the fridge. He started taking out various items, sniffing them and putting them back. He peered at them over the top of the refrigerator door, “The redhead just told be that we were having a going a way party for that Tim guy.”

Kelly’s mouth dropped open, “You’re not supposed to tell him!”

Creed shrugged nonchalantly, “Don’t worry. I’m great at keeping secrets.”

Jim coughed on a chip and Lizzy clapped him on the back, giving Creed a curious look, “It’s not Tim. It’s Jim.”

“Huh. Thought his name was Tim.” He shut the fridge door and began to walk out, “Gonna really miss that kid.”

When he left Lizzy and Kelly exploded into giggles and Jim nodded, a quizzical look on his face, “Sometimes I think those stories he tells about being in a band in the sixties might actually be true.”

“He does have an unhealthy knowledge about herbal remedies.”

Kelly gasped, “Remember that joint Dwight found last year? You think it could have been Creed’s?”

“I wouldn’t really be all that surprised.”

Lizzy laughed, “Dwight found a joint? I bet that was a nightmare.”

“Yeah, it was about as horrible as you would expect.”

“Wow. Are you sure you’re not going to miss this place?”

Jim took a swig of his water and looked at the ceiling, “Maybe more than I thought.”

“Aw, he’s getting all emotional.”

“Oh my God Jim, are you going to cry?” Kelly’s eyes widened and she regarded him with a sympathetic look.

“I think I’ll be okay.”

“This totally reminds me of the last episode of Mary Tyler Moore that I watched on Nick at Night and how everyone was actually really sad to leave and then at the very end they turn the light off and close the door. You should totally do that.”

Lizzy snorted, “Yeah, except he’s the only one leaving. And the maintenance crew is usually the one that turns off the lights.”

Jim nodded, “Besides, that’s not how I would do it.”

“Yeah? You’d go out in a different fashion?”

“Oh yeah. I’m thinking somewhere along the lines of St. Elsewhere. Maybe I’ll just wake up tomorrow and Dunder-Mifflin will just be a fake building in a snow globe by my bed.”

“That would be weird.”

“And why the hell would anyone have a snow globe of Dunder-Mifflin?”

Jim laughed, “I guess I figured that something had to account for the absurdity of this place.”

“Yeah, but if you’re responsible for thinking up Dwight and Creed then you need some serious psychological help.”

Kelly’s eyes lit up, “What if this was all a television show? How cool would that be? I mean we came pretty close with the documentary but that was just a couple hour thing on the local cable station. What if there was actually a show on television about Dunder-Mifflin? Oh my god, who would you want to play you? I would totally choose that actress from ER. Last year when her husband got killed off on the show I totally bawled my eyes out. It was so sad.”

Lizzy nodded, “Kristen Bell from Veronica Mars. She’s such a good actress. She could play me.”

Kelly nodded, “Totally.”

They both looked at Jim, “What about you?”

He regarded them warily, “Umm, I don’t know. Tough question. But I think the better question is: who would actually watch that show?”

Lizzy laughed, “Not me.”

Kelly thought about it for a moment, “Yeah, I guess I wouldn’t either. But it would still be totally cool.”

12:45 pm

Jim walked around the corner, bracing himself for what he knew was coming.

“Surprise!”

His eyes widened and he put his hands up in mock disbelief, “Guys, what is this?”

Michael clapped his hands, “This is your goodbye party, my friend.” He waved his hands towards the other employees, “We just wanted to show you how much we care.”

Jim smiled, “Thanks guys.” He took in the party hats and crepe paper and bored faces, “This is great.”

Michael came forward and threw his arms awkwardly around Jim’s shoulders, “Before you leave I just have a few words to say.”

Oh no.

“James my boy, what have you worked here ten years now?”

“Five.”

“Five wonderful years! And I’m sure you’ll look back one day and think, ‘those years at Dunder Mifflin – those were the best years of my life.’”

Jim pursed his lips and looked at the ceiling.

Anything but that.

“And in those years you have learned so much. And you have been lucky enough to call me your mentor.” Michael clapped him on the back, “When it’s time to name the Godfather of your children, you don’t have to look any further than back here at good ol’ Scranton.”

Jim nodded, “Yeah, David, the security guard already agreed to it.”

“No. Not him…” Michael shook his head and laughed, “Ha! A joke! See… he has learned from me. His boss of comedy!”

Boss of comedy?

“So Jim. As you leave here, you leave with the teachings of your fellow co-workers and friends to guide you along your paths. Use them well.”

“Thanks Michael.”

“Any last words?”

Jim looked around at all the familiar people. Dwight was leaning back in his chair scowling. Kelly and Lizzy were perched on his desk together, their feet propped up on his chair. Angela was leaning against the wall by the copier with her arms folded. Stanley was sitting at his desk, his head bent over a crossword puzzle. Kevin, Oscar, Creed…

He laughed to himself, a vague memory filtering through his mind of that day he had organized an “Office Olympics.”

“Um… I guess I just have to say… I’m gonna miss you guys.”

And somehow he knew that he actually meant it.

3:30 pm

“Seriously, what are you planning for him? It’s almost four o’clock. You’re running out of time.”

Jim laughed, “I’m telling you. Nothing.” He cocked his head to the side, “I figured it’s the worst thing I could possibly do to him.”

“He’s going insane. He keeps looking at you like you’re about to light his desk on fire or something.”

He held up his hands in a show of innocence and Kevin nodded, “Niiice.”

Oscar laughed, “I think he might actually be disappointed.”

“Um. I don’t think so.”

“I don’t know man, it’s almost like he wants you to play one last prank. I think the guy’s going to miss you.”

Jim shook his head, “Not possible.”

“How would you know what he thinks?”

The three men turned their heads to look over at Angela who was regarding Jim with a steely gaze.

“What?”

“You barely even know him. How do you know what he’s thinking?”

“You want me to play one last prank on him?” Jim asked with a puzzled look on his face.

“No. I don’t condone ‘pranks.’ They’re inappropriate. Especially in the workplace…. I just think there’s more to Dwight than you might think.” She looked up then and caught the shared smirk that Oscar and Kevin shared, “Not that I know.”

“Right.”

Angela sighed stood up with a roll of her eyes, muttering under her breath as she walked away.

Kevin grinned slowly, “I bet Dwight knows Angela better than the rest of us do.” He raised his eyes suggestively and let out a high laugh, “If you know what I mean.”

Jim grimaced and moved to leave, “That it just… wrong.”

4:45 pm

He knocked on the door and pushed it open to see Michael turned in his chair and staring mournfully out the window.

“Hey, Michael, can I talk to you for a minute?”

“Oh. Hey Jim. Yeah, come on in.” Michael spun around and folded his arms over the desk, “What’s uh… what’s going on?”

Jim shut the door behind him and sat down, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees, “I just want to thank you for the party. It was great.”

“Yeah. The party planning committee did… I mean, it was mostly my suggestions. It was my idea to have to party.”

“I kinda figured.”

“Listen Jim.” Michael rested his hands on the desk and leaned forward, “What do you want?”

“Not sure what you mean.”

“What do you want? What can I do to get you to stay?”

“Oh.” Jim opened his mouth and shook his head, “Michael…”

“I’ll fire Dwight.”

“No. Don’t do …”

“You can be Assistant Regional Manager.”

“Umm…”

“Better pay.”

“Michael…”

“You can have the conference room as an office…. You can have my office!”

Jim cocked his head to the side and scratched the side of his face, “That’s sounds… great. But I’ve already got this other job lined up and they’re expecting me… so… thanks though.”

Michael nodded, his face registering his disappointment, “Yeah… gotta go after the woman huh?”

“The woman…? Michael, I’m not… I mean, that’s not why…”

“Sure. How is the Pamster?”

Jim smiled and looked down at his hands. “She’s great.”

“Yeah.” Michael looked wistful, as if he was remembering all his lost loves and past regrets and Jim remembered the time that he hadn’t invited him to his party. Something in that made him feel really guilty.

And he was tired of feeling guilty.

“I just wanted to thank you Michael. For everything you’ve… taught me. It’s been great working here these past five years.”

Michael grinned, “We had some good times didn’t we?”

“Yeah. We did actually.” Jim stood up and extended his hand, “You’ve been a good… friend.”

“Thank you.” Michael hung his head bashfully, “It’s not going to be the same without you here.”

They shook hands and Jim nodded, thankful that Michael was able to handle it like an adult for a moment. He turned and headed back out the door. But before he left he added, “Hey, Michael. If you’re ever in New York. Give me a call.”

Michale smiled widely but Jim shut the door before he could say anything else.

He shook his head. That was something he was going to regret.

5:15 pm

Jim saw Angela sling her purse over her shoulder and head for the door. When she passed by his desk she gave him a curt little nod, “Good luck in New York Jim.”

“Thanks Angela.”

He gave her a little wave and noticed the way she looked subtlety at Dwight, raised her eyebrows a little and waited for him to nod in return before walking out the door.

Jim looked over at Dwight, “You leaving too?”

“Yes. I have rehearsal.”

“Yeah? Rehearsal for what?”

“Umm… it’s practice… a meeting.”

“Wow. You are a really bad liar.”

Dwight raised his eyebrows, “Or maybe I’m a really good one. The point is that you don’t know.” He stood up, threw a couple papers in his briefcase and snapped it closed.

Jim leaned back in his chair and folded his arms over his chest, “Are you going to miss me Dwight?”

“No.”

“Good to know.”

“Michael has given me the responsibility of helping to hire your replacement. As part of my duties as Assistant Regional Manager. Rest assured that the next person will be much more qualified.”

Jim nodded, “Maybe… but you won’t have as much fun with him.”

Dwight stopped, reopened his briefcase, scanned the contents suspiciously and glared over at Jim, “What did you do?”

“Nothing. I told you before.”

“You’re telling the truth?”

“Do you want to look in my eyes again?”

Dwight shook his head and re-closed the briefcase, “I can tell by the tone of your voice.”

“That volunteer sheriffs training has really served you well Dwight.”

“Yes it has.”

Dwight stood awkwardly between their desks for a moment.

“Jim.”

“Dwight.”

They nodded to each other but Dwight still didn’t move to leave. Jim shook his head, “I didn’t do anything to your car either.”

“Oh… good.” His back straightened and he walked out the door without another look back.

Jim watched him leave, surprised at the feeling in his chest. Surprised at the look on Dwight’s face as he left.

Was it? Could it have really been… disappointment?

He stood up and grabbed his keys out of the top drawer. Maybe there was one last thing he could do.

5:35 pm

Lizzy looked up when Jim walked back into the office.

“Where were you?”

“I had to run to the store. Listen, do you think you could do me a really big favor?”

She looked at him quizzically as he placed a small packing box on the counter. “Yeah, sure. What’s up?”

“All you have to do…” He opened the box and titled it down so she could look inside, “Is follow the instructions.”

Lizzy’s eyes lit up, “Are you serious? Is that actually going to work?”

He grinned and went back to his desk to sling his bag over his shoulder, “It’ll work.”

She pulled the box off the counter and tucked it under the desk, “I used to think that you were the only other sane person in this office. Now I’m not so sure.”

“Yeah, this place definitely gets to you after a certain amount of time. Take my advice and don’t stick around too long.”

“I’ll remember that. Any other pearls of wisdom?”

“Umm, don’t ever leave a tuna sandwich in the fridge. Dwight will throw it away or Creed will eat it. Never, ever forget Michael’s birthday. Don’t accept a challenge from Kevin to see how many M&M’s you can fit in your mouth. You will lose. And uh, try not to fall in love with the devilishly handsome sales rep that takes my job.”

Lizzy laughed, “I don’t think that’s going to happen.”

“Hey, we sales reps are known for our irresistibility.”

“Sure.”

Jim looked around the office one last time before grabbing the box of odds and ends of his desk and tucking it under his arm.

“Well, I’m off.”

“Well, I’d say see you around but I’m guessing I probably won’t.”

“Yeah.” Jim looked down, “Probably not.”

“Good luck in the city.”

“Good luck with Michael.”

He began walking out but stopped when she called out his name, “Hey Jim?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re gonna marry this girl aren’t you?”

Jim just smiled and waved, “Bye Lizzy.”

“Bye Jim.”

He turned and walked down the hallway, passing the elevator to push through the door leading to the stairwell. He had to go down there one last time.

“Jim… I… um…”

That moment echoed in his mind and he remembered how close he had gotten. How close and how far all at the same time. The hesitation they had both felt. The fear…

The memory faded as he reached the bottom floor and walked out into the lobby. In his mind Pam was wearing blue paint streaks and a laughing smile.

He took a deep breath, pushing through the double doors and into the glaring sunlight outside.

Sunset.

How fitting.

He wanted the laugh at himself. At the way he was trying to find meaning in every moment, significance in every event from the day. Like trying to draw the last possible drop from the bottom of a drink glass. Trying to slow it all down, memorize this place and these people and this moment. After all those years of desperation and boredom he was leaving it like he was leaving something behind.

As he threw his box in the back seat of his car he could feel everything falling away behind him into the vastness of time and memory. The pain, the boredom, the sheer meaninglessness of it all. Someday he would look back on those five years and think that maybe it had never really been that bad and maybe Michael had actually been a little bit funny and maybe the only thing that mattered was that it brought him to Pam.

“Halpert.”

Jim stilled.

It wasn’t all past him yet.

Almost a year and they had managed to avoid this. Managed to stay in their separate corners.

But somehow he knew that it had to happen. He had pictured the scene, oddly enough in the same parking lot where he has once come so close to admitting to Pam everything that he felt about her.

Jim turned around and squinted into the setting sun, “Hey Roy.”

“Hey.”

A silence fell between them and Jim watched in growing apprehension as Roy swung his arms back and forth awkwardly.

It occurred to him then that he had never really been a in a fight before. He was tall but he wasn’t big and he didn’t really like his odds in this setup. He wondered what his new boss would say if he showed up on Monday with a black eye.

“I heard you were leaving.”

“Yup… yeah… it’s my last day.”

“Cool man.” Roy stopped swinging his arms and stuffed his hands in his pockets, “You going to New York?”

“Umm.” Jim rubbed the back of his neck, “Yeah. That’s where the new job is.”

“Sounds great.”

“Yeah.”

Roy looked off to the side, “How is she?”

“Oh. Uh… she’s… I mean, I not…” Jim looked up and let out a breath, “She’s really good.”

It was silent for a moment and then, “Good.”

Roy looked back over to catch his eye. A silent moment of understanding passed between them.

“Just…um… make sure she’s happy. Okay?”

Jim nodded, “Yeah… will do.”

Roy nodded in response and turned to walk away without another word. Jim watched him retreat back toward the warehouse, relief and understanding filling his body.

His phone vibrated in his pocket and he pulled it out, smiled at the caller ID and flipped it open, “God, can’t you live just one day without hearing the sound of my voice?” A smile spread across his face, “Hey… watch that tone… uh-huh, sure.” He slipped into the driver’s seat and started the engine. “Actually, it wasn’t that bad… No, I didn’t cry… Yeah, he did.”

He rested the phone between his ear and his shoulder as he backed out of his parking space. And when turned left out of the parking lot he didn’t look back to see the building disappear from his review mirror.

The Next Day

June 20th 2006, 7:57 am

Dwight was early to work as Dwight always was… except for that one time. But it wasn’t his fault so it didn’t matter.

He took the stairs because he was feeling energized and the truth was that he always took the stairs. Kept him healthy.

As per usual, Lizzy was the only one there when he reached the office and she gave him a little smile as she checked the messages from the night before.

He saw it then even before he reached his desk, even before he had passed Jim’s empty one.

“Dammit Jim!”

Dwight dropped his briefcase onto his chair and glared angrily at his desk. He looked up at Lizzy, “Do you know anything about this?”

She shrugged and held her hands up then turned back to the phone so Dwight couldn’t see the smile that was playing at her lips.

“I knew it. I knew you were up to something.”

He stared suspiciously around the room as if every pencil, stapler and coffee mug could be rigged for attack.

Then he stopped. Stopped and stared and for the first time something like a smile crept across his face.

Sitting on his desk was a jiggling, yellow jello mold and floating inside, staring up at him with identical beady eyes, was his bobble head replica.

But this wasn’t what made him smile.

Propped up next to the jello mold was an index card with two words written in dark black sharpie.

ASK HER

August 25, 2007 9:17 pm

Pam closed her eyes for a moment and absentmindedly twirled a piece of hair around her finger. The scene was perfect in her mind. A playground in the middle of the park filled with tall green trees and drooping willows. A young girl is on the swings. She has long blond – no, wild curly hair. She is laughing as she pumps her little legs and the swing gets higher and higher. There is a boy with unruly brown hair on the slide and his mischievous smile confirms that he is up to something.

Her pencil moved quickly over the page, sketching the little details as they visualized in her mind. There are two adults sitting in the background, two adults who bare a strong resemblance to the children. Her hair is curly, his unruly. They watch the children while talking to each other.

Pam’s hand stilled as she realized what she had done. She bit her lip and regarded the sketch with a smile, taking a moment to focus on his features, the way he is leaning back, his long legs stretched in front of him and crossed at the ankles, the way his arm is slung over the back of the bench, his hand resting on the woman’s shoulder. Her shoulder.

With a shake of her head she flipped the page to a blank one, reminding herself that she actually had work to do, there was a deadline to meet and she couldn’t keep drawing these images of how she imagined the future. Or maybe not the future. But… something.

The blank page stretched out before her, empty and white and waiting to be filled with the pictures and images of her mind.

Only… it was Saturday night and as much as she loved art and sketching and bringing those said pictures and images to life, there were other things that she would rather be doing.

Although, she had to admit, this moment was nice. More than nice.

Perfect.

In the way that perfection can actually be achieved in those rare little splinters of time when everything just… fits.

This was one of those moments and she wanted to drink it in and savor the taste on her tongue and never ever get tired of that flavor.

Stretching her legs out along the sofa she dropped the sketchbook a little so she could glance over the top and peer around the room.

It was stupid really how gleefully proud she was of her little apartment. Of the little details that made it her own. The flowers on the kitchen table, the artwork on the walls, her keys in the bowl on the table by the door. At first it had been daunting to live by herself in an apartment in the middle of a city she was still just getting to know. But she surprised herself once again.

Turns out she could be by herself. She could be alone. And it was freeing. It really was.

Independence had given her a feeling of empowerment that she had never felt before.

Although…

Maybe it negated all the feelings of independence she felt, but her absolute favorite thing about the apartment, about her new life, was how much apart of it he was.

Sometimes, even after he left, she would still feel him there, his scent, his presence… it was comforting on those nights when she really didn’t feel like crawling into bed by herself.

So it was his sweatshirt that she wrapped herself in so that maybe she wasn’t really alone.

And it was his Shins CD currently playing softly through the speakers of the stereo and his shoes laying next to the coffee table where he had kicked them off earlier and his keys that were sitting with her keys in the little bowl on the table by the kitchen door.

She had noticed it when she let him in, the way he threw them in there like they belonged there, like he belonged here in her apartment.

The thought made her stomach flutter and she mentally chastised herself for getting all worked up about the co-mingling of their keys.

So stupid.

She shifted slightly so that she could glance down at where he was currently sitting on her living room floor, leaning back against the sofa, his legs stretched under the coffee table, engrossed in the book he held in his lap.

It was one of those things that she had learned about him that year. He liked to read. She liked that he read. That he loved reading and plowed through books at amazingly fast pace, passing them along to her at a rate she couldn’t keep up with. Beside her bed there was a pile of books that he had recommended but she hadn’t gotten through yet.

And she liked the fact that he recommended books. And that she knew that he liked reading. That she knew that he also played guitar, not well, but he could strum out some slightly recognizable tunes.

He was also allergic to strawberries, his favorite food was soft shell crab, he had broken his arm and chipped his tooth falling out of a tree when he was seven and at nineteen he had cried when his dog died while he was away at college.

She liked these things about him.

She liked that she knew these things about him and that he knew the same meaningless, yet important, stuff about her too.

Ignoring her sketch, she watched his profile for a moment, noticing the way his jaw twitched slightly when he was thinking hard and how his tongue darted out every once in while to wet his lips, the way his gray tee-shirt was just tight enough on his arms and chest to display the toned muscles when he moved and how very tall he looked with his legs stretched out in front of him like that.

He looked up at her then and arched his eyebrow, “Did you need something?”

She shrugged, “I’m bored.”

“Not really a lot I can do for you then.” Jim turned back to his book with a smile.

“Jim!” She pushed her foot against his shoulder and added a hint of whininess to her voice, “You’re supposed to entertain me.”

“Hey. You’re the one that invited me over and then proceeded to work all night. Not my fault.”

“I have to get this done.”

“Then don’t whine to me that you’re bored.”

“Let’s go do something.”

He looked back up at her with a smile, “You just said that you have to get that done.”

“I’ll do it tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow’s Jenny’s wedding shower.”

Pam dropped her head back, “Oh God. How could I forget?”

“Not really sure. That’s all she ever talks about anymore.”

“Seriously Jim, I love Jenny but she’s turned into a neurotic bride. Please tell me I wasn’t like that.”

Jim pretended to think about it for a moment, “No comment.”

“Hey!”

“Kidding.” He smiled up at her and shook his head so that a piece of hair fell into his eyes. “You were not neurotic.”

“Thanks and you seriously need to get a hair cut.”

“I like it.”

“It’s way too wingy.”

“Wingy?”

“Um, yeah. Farrah Fawcett wingy. Not a good look.”

“Hey… don’t go there. I’m trying to grow it out.”

She scrunched up her nose, “Please don’t.”

Jim just made a face at her and looked back down at his book. She chewed thoughtfully on her bottom lip, her fingers itching to touch his hair, run her hands though it and tug on the ends. Yes, his hair definitely had a tuggable quality about it.

She balled her hand into a fist and looked away, tapping her pencil on the blank sheet of paper.

Damn his hair.

“How many sketches do you have left?” He kept his eyes toward the book but she could tell he wasn’t reading anymore.

“Three. Danielle just wanted some rough sketches to look at on Monday. Just a concept really.”

He nodded, “Feeling a little unproductive?”

“Yeah.” She nodded toward the sketchbook, “This is not what I want to be doing on a Saturday night.”

He shook his head, “You love it.”

Pam bit at the side of her thumb nail and smiled back at him.

She did love it. And sometimes it was all too surreal that it was her job to do the thing that she loved. To make money with her art.

It was definitely a far cry away from, “Dunder- Mifflin this is Pam.”

“I can leave if you want…”

“No.” The word came out a little stronger than she intended and she ducked her head in embarrassment, “No… it won’t take that much longer. Maybe then… I don’t know. We could go for a walk or something.”

Jim grinned widely back at her and pushed himself up off the ground to sit on the edge of the couch by her feet, “Sounds nice.”

“Yeah…” She looked down at her paper and coughed, “Besides, you could use the exercise.”

His mouth dropped open, “Whoa. What are you implying?”

“I’m just saying. You weren’t exactly on your game during the pick-up--.”

Jim interrupted and held up his hand, “I was getting over the flu.”

“Excuses, excuses. I’m starting to think that you’ve been lying to me all these years about those basketball skills.”

“Hey, what about that game against the warehouse? I outscored all those guys.”

Pam made a face, “Yeah, you outscored Michael. Big achievement.”

Jim shook his head in disbelief, “I can’t believe I’m hearing this. I thought you said I was pretty good.”

She shrugged, “Pretty good. But I’ve seen better.”

“Yeah?” He cocked his head to the side and met her eyes in challenge.

Pam could feel his gaze all the way to the tips of her toes. She threw up her hands, “Fine, I admit it… you’re better than pretty good… even with the flu.”

He smiled, “Thank you.”

“But you still need to exercise.”

Jim shook his head, “Fine. But first you need to finish that.”

She grimaced and looked back down at the paper, feeling the way his gaze remained on her, feeling the way it warmed her and she hoped he couldn’t see the blush in her face.

He rested his hand on her ankle and she looked up in mock disturbance, “I’m trying to work here.”

“Fine. Work away. Mind if I grab something to eat from your kitchen?”

“Go ahead. There’s leftover Chinese in the fridge.”

“Thanks.” He stood up, stretching his arms over his head, “You want anything?”

“I’m good.”

Pam watched him head into the kitchen then turned back to her sketch, trying to concentrate.

When she heard the freezer door open instead of the fridge she threw down the sketchpad and leapt up from the couch.

“Don’t even think about it!” She yelled the words as she slid into the kitchen, her socks sliding on the slick tile. Jim caught her arm before she could go flying into the table.

“Whoa there. I thought you weren’t hungry?” he said with a laugh.

She righted herself and pointed at the pint of Cookies N’ Cream he held in his hand.

“That’s not Chinese.”

“Very good.” He nodded toward the bowl of apples on the counter, “And what are those?”

Pam glared at him and grabbed the ice cream, “This is mine.”

“Wow. Didn’t anyone teach you how to share? I’m going to call your mom.”

“Fine. But she’ll support me on this one. You don’t steal a woman’s ice cream. Besides, I offered to by you some at the store and you didn’t want any.”

“I wasn’t hungry then.”

“I told you there was leftover Chinese.”

Jim stuck out his lower lip and widened his eyes a little, “Fine. I guess I’m not that hungry after all.”

“Oh don’t pull that puppy dog eyes shit with me Halpert.”

A smile tugged at his lips but he managed to make his face drop even further. Pam regarded him narrowly but she couldn’t help the way those hazel eyes affected her. She let out a sigh and turned around to grab two spoons out of the drawer.

“I hate you.”

Jim laughed as she handed him a spoon. “No you don’t.”

She rolled her eyes and pulled the lid off the carton, “The cookie chunks are mine.”

“Fine.”

They leaned against the counter together in silence, taking turns digging their spoons into the ice cream. Jim was careful to pull out all the little cookie chunks and leave them for her. She smiled as he did this and unconsciously edged a little closer so their arms brushed against each other, bare skin against bare skin.

It still made her heart beat a little faster, to be this close to him, to be so familiar with him. Their relationship had always been based upon some heightened level of physicality but in the beginning it had been just simply finding a way to touch his hand or sit close to him in the conference room.

Now it had become something more of a fierce competition to see how close they could get before one of them snapped. The hugs that lasted a split second longer than normal, the casual manner in which she would brush her hand against his leg when they watched a movie together, the innocent way his fingers would trace against the back of her neck when he draped his arm over chair during dinner with friends.

Sometimes it was all too much to handle.

But she reveled in being close to him, in feeling his enveloping presence and there was something about standing next to him that made her feel completely and utterly safe.

He smiled down at her and licked the back of his spoon.

“Michael called me today.”

She scrunched up her nose and giggled, “That’s your own fault.”

“Yeah. Thanks for reminding me of that.”

“What did he want?”

“Well, apparently Dwight and Angela are engaged. He announced it to everyone at work yesterday.”

“Oh, and I bet everyone was shocked.”

“Oh yeah.” Jim rolled his eyes, “I guess no one really seemed to care all that much and Dwight kind of freaked out.”

“What did Michael have to say about it?”

“Considering the fact that he had no idea about the whole thing? He was disturbed. As we all were… are…”

“How does he stay so… I don’t know… oblivious?”

“I don’t know Pam. It’s something I think only Michael can do.”

“So… is Dwight going to ask you to be his best man?”

Jim let out a short laugh, “Um, I’m willing to bet he’s not going to let me within ten feet of that wedding.” He glanced down at Pam, “And I’m sure Angela’s going to call you any day now and ask you to be her maid of honor.”

“Oh. Yeah. Definitely.”

“I wonder if they’ll have it on the beet farm.”

Pam laughed, “Too bad he’s not still a volunteer sheriff. He could have worn the uniform.”

“Come on Pam.” Jim pursed his lips in laughter, “Let’s not make fun. You know you’re jealous.”

She scowled, “Of Angela? Um… no.”

“So, you never had a thing for Dwight?”

“I’m not going to even pretend to joke around about that one… Please Jim, just don’t put those images in my head. Just… don’t.”

He laughed and nodded in defeat.

Pam poked her spoon into the ice cream and dug around a little bit until she uncovered a large Oreo piece. She pushed it toward him and he grinned.

“Can you imagine what their children would be like?”

“And I’m the one bringing up disturbing images? Come on.” He tilted his head and regarded her with a pleading face.

She laughed, “Fine. Fine.”

They fell into a comfortable silence again, slowly eating away at the ice cream until Pam scrapped the last bite out of the bottom. She licked her spoon and leaned her head down to rest against his arm, “Hmmm, that was good.”

He nodded and she could practically feel the smile that was spreading through his body. She leaned deeper into him and looked down at her feet.

“Maybe we should forget about the walk. I’ve done enough running around today.”

“You’re the one that insisted on running around to every party planning store in the city.”

“No. That was Jenny. She and her mom dragged me around town all day. My feet are killing me.”

“Huh.” And before she realized what he was doing, Jim’s hands were on her hips, lifting her up easily and setting her down on the counter in front of him. Pam’s mouth dropped open.

“Better?”

Much better.

His hands were still on her hips and her shirt had ridden up enough that his fingers were grazing the soft skin there. She tried to nod, tried to make some kind of sound in her throat but her mouth had gone dry and all she could do was look up into his eyes.

The moment seemed to have caught him off guard and when their eyes met his breath started coming in shorter little gasps. He swallowed hard and moved his hands then, sliding them down to rest on the counter on either side of her.

Everything was starting to go foggy again.

“Oh… um…”

The words were the same and the memory came to her in a flash. The way he had looked at her, made her weak in the knees, made her forget everything she had ever known. But he had been unable to say the words that were in his eyes that night and they had stood there for how many seconds of excruciating silence.

“Oh… um…”

Almost everything had changed since then.

Except that nervous flutter under her skin was the same. The tightening low in her stomach was the same.

It was still Jim.

It was always Jim.

He was looking down now at some spot on her jeans and that piece of hair was falling into this eyes so that she wanted to reach out and brush it away. Wanted to run her hands up to his hair, over the back of his neck…

She laughed then and ducked her face into her shoulder.

“Listen… Jim…”

When his eyes caught hers she opened her mouth to--

But of course it was at that moment that the phone rang. Because when else would it ring than at the most pinnacle of moments?

Whoever was on the other line could wait. Pam started to shake her head but Jim dropped his shoulders, reached out for the phone and handed it to her.

“Hello?” She kept her eyes on him as he paced the kitchen.

“Pam? Oh my God. I’m freaking out.”

“Jenny? Listen, can I call you back? I’m kinda--.”

“My sister’s got the flu and she’s not sure if she’s going to make it tomorrow and…”

“Jenny, relax. Your mom and I took care of everything today and I’m sure if Lisa’s feeling better she’ll try to make an appearance tomorrow and…”

“John wore socks to bed last night.”

Pam looked upward and swore under her breath. Jim glanced at her in the middle of his pacing and she bit her lip, apologizing silently. He smiled softly, shook his head and waved her out of the kitchen.

Her fingers curled tightly against the phone as she walked to the bedroom, listening to Jenny babble incessantly in her ear. This was definitely not what she wanted to be doing and she found herself once again watching helplessly as another moment of perfection slipped from her grasp.

It was enough to make her scream.

Or cry.

An hour later when Jenny was convinced that John’s socks weren’t going to spell doom for their marriage Pam was finally able to hang up the phone. She rubbed her ear and bit her tongue in annoyance.

Someday she was going to make Jenny pay for that one. No. That wouldn’t be enough. Her children were going to have to pay for that one.

Pam clutched the phone to her chest and moved back out to the living room, ready to apologize to Jim for the interruption. She stopped short though when she saw that he was sprawled out on the sofa sound asleep.

A momentary wave of mixed disappointment and relief spread through her body.

It was the relief that worried her because she knew that if she didn’t make some sort of decision, some sort of movement soon, then maybe all of it would slip from her grasp.

Moving into the kitchen she noticed that he had washed both their spoons and propped them up to dry in the drain board by the sink. The sight brought tears to her eyes and she clutched hard at the counter.

So so stupid.

The whole thing. It was stupid and juvenile and she was tired of letting everything pass her by. Sure, she had learned to take more risks, learned to not be so scared. So, why was this one so hard? Why was it so hard to just grab onto this moment, this person and let those emotions pour over her?

She flipped off the light in the kitchen and pulled out a blanket from the hall closet. Jim was lying on his back, his arm thrown over his eyes, his mouth hanging open slightly. Pam covered him up and sat back on the table.

Jim Halpert.

Her best friend.

Five years ago he had just been this friendly face. The first person to greet her at Dunder- Mifflin. The first person to make her laugh. The first person to make her feel comfortable.

There really was no defining moment of epiphany when all that changed. When he became more. It just sort of happened.

And now…

When she closed her eyes and pictured the future she really did see him and he was more than her best friend and more than a friendly face and more than the person who made her feel comfortable.

She thought of the little boy and girl from her sketch.

Yeah, it was something.

Jim murmured something in his sleep, tossing his head a little and smacking his lips together lightly. That piece of hair dropped into his eyes and she smiled.

He really did need a haircut.

Tentatively she reached out to brush the hair from his forehead. It was soft under her fingertips. She trailed her hand down the side of his face, surprised when a picture of Roy popped into her head.

“Do you love him?”

Somewhere, at sometime, the answer had changed.

Or maybe she was just starting to wake up to it all. Maybe now it was just starting to make sense in her head and maybe, just maybe it didn’t have to be so complicated.

She flipped the living room light off and headed toward her own bedroom, her head awhirl with thoughts of tomorrow.

Part IV: The Unknown

"Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler." -- Albert Einstein 

 August 26, 2007 9:30 am

“Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.”

He stared at the tall man seated at the reception desk, “Abraham Lincoln didn’t say that. It was JFK.”

Abraham Lincoln laughed loudly, “Haha, so it was…. Oh, I’ve got a phone call. I love this part of the job.” He picked up the phone, “Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam.”

“Wait… this is wrong.” Jim looked around in confusion.

He was back at Dunder-Mifflin. Back in Scranton. Everything was just the way he remembered it except that the lights were off and the whole office was lit by the eerie blue glow of computer screens.

“Why am I here?”

“Hey Jim! Remember this?”

He looked around to see Dwight sitting calmly at his desk.

“Remember what Dwight?”

Kevin started the fire.”

That was wrong.

“No he didn’t. Ryan started the fire.”

Dwight looked up from his computer, “Who’s Ryan?”

“He’s the…” Jim looked over at where Ryan’s desk used to be but that entire side of the office had disappeared and he suddenly found himself staring into an audience of faceless people. He turned back to Dwight, “Have they always been there?”

“Who?”

“Those people. Can’t you see those people?”

Dwight shrugged, “They’re waiting for you.”

“To do what?”

“Haven’t I taught you anything James?”

Jim looked away from Dwight to see Michael standing at the kitchen over a George Forman grill.

“What are you making?”

Michael held up his foot to show him the grill lines running across the bottom, “Bacon.”

“That doesn’t look like bacon.”

“It’s bacon!” Michael was getting whinier and whinier and Jim rubbed his forehead, “Michael, what’s going on here? I thought I quit.”

“Quit! Of course not. We promoted you. You’re the new regional manager of the Dunder Mifflin Scranton branch.”

Jim’s heart filled with panic, “I don’t want to be the manager. I don’t even work here anymore.”

“Not my problem Jimboroonie.”

“But I…”

“Jim.”

He looked up. Pam was leaning against his desk, dressed in the same pink shirt she was wearing on the day they met.

She smiled, “Why are you still here?”

He walked toward her but she didn’t get any closer, “I forget.” It seemed the harder he tried to walk toward her the further away she got.

She held out her hand, “I’m Pam Beesely. What’s your name?”

He was confused. They already did this. This already happened. But he was sitting at his desk again and she was up at reception with the phone pressed to her ear.

“That’s not what you’re supposed to say.”

The audience laughed uproariously.

“What?”

“You’re getting it all wrong.”

It smelled like bacon.

Jim’s eyes flew open and he glanced around the room, his heart still pounding heavily in his chest.

Pam’s apartment. He was in Pam’s apartment.

The events from the night before came back to him then and he groaned softly.

Dammit.

He had fallen asleep. She had probably come back out there to talk and say God knows what, and he could only hope, but he was sound asleep on her couch like the kind of idiot who would fall asleep before a life changing conversation.

Not that the conversation was going to be life-changing – maybe it was – maybe it wasn’t.

Oh God but if it was…

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

He tried to move his head then and grimaced at the stiffness in his neck and low back.

It was definitely stupid to fall asleep on her couch which was much to short for his long frame. His legs were dangling awkwardly off the side and his feet were numb from lack of blood flow. He circled his ankles and groaned softly at the tingling sensation that ran up his legs.

There was a sudden clang from the kitchen and he lifted his head slightly to see that Pam was already up and moving around, apparently fixing something for breakfast.

At least that explained the bacon smell.

From his vantage point on the couch he could see that she was still wearing her pajamas, a tank top and flannel pants with hearts all over them and her hair was pulled into a messy knot on the top of her head. The radio was playing softly to the oldies station and she was singing silently to herself as she worked.

Jim smiled and closed his eyes as he laid his head back down. There was something so familiar in waking up in her apartment, seeing her in her pajamas. He just wanted to soak that in for a moment.

His mind wandered back to the exact events of the night before. Just being with her there in the quiet, listening to the scratch of her pencil against the paper, looking up from his book every once in awhile to see the tiny smile that played on her lips as she drew… that was enough.

Almost.

Sometimes her leg would brush up against his shoulder, almost as if she felt the need to touch him for just a moment and the simple contact would send a jolt of electricity through his body and he wasn’t really even sure of what book he had been reading.

Then there was the moment in the kitchen.

It was an impulse to pick her up like that, to rest his hands on her hips and lift her up like she weighed nothing and the look of shock on her face was enough.

Almost.

Touching her like he had was almost unbearable and maybe only because he was afraid sometimes that it would never move past those simple touches and her skin was so so soft against his hands and he wanted to know more… he wanted to know everything… and maybe he never would.

Pam walked out of the kitchen then with a mug in one hand.

“Hey, you’re up.”

He smiled and moved himself into a sitting position, rubbing his fist over his eyes and trying to smooth down his rumpled hair.

“I had that dream about Dunder-Mifflin again.”

She handed him the mug and perched herself on the coffee table in front of him so that their knees are touching, “Aww, poor baby. What was Michael doing this time?”

“I think he was cooking his foot… And Abraham Lincoln was answering phones again.”

Pam snorted, “You really need therapy. I think your days at Dunder-Mifflin affected you more than you know.”

“Don’t laugh. It’s true. One more year there and I would have been reduced to nothing more than a lifeless mass, spewing forth Michael-isms periodically. It would have been sad.”

“Well it’s a good thing we got you out of there then. Before it was too late.”

Jim took a sip of the coffee she had handed him, watching her over the rim of the mug. There was something almost glowing about her today.

“I made breakfast.”

“Hmm, smells good.”

She smiled radiantly and he thought for a second that he had never seen her smile like that before and it was so beautiful that its warmth was spreading through his body. But he didn’t have time to dwell on it because the smile had dropped from her face and she was regarding him seriously for a moment before leaning forward… her hand on his knee… moving closer… so close…her lips on his… his lips…her lips…

Five years, five months, twelve days, and twenty-three hours.

Everything was moving up and away and past them and Jim had to squeeze his eyes shut to keep his balance and he all could hear was the whooshing in his ears as everything rushed by and her lips pressed gently against him.

She was warm and soft and it was everything… everything… everything… with her hands on his shoulders and in his hair and he couldn’t remember how to breath… until she ran her hand down and settled it where she could feel his heart pounding in his chest… and he remembered…everything.

He cupped the back of her head to bring her closer… closer… closer… and he wanted to laugh because he was pretty sure he could feel her lips turning up into a smile and it’s the most ridiculous thought he’s ever had but their smiles are pressed against each other and nothing has ever felt so right.

She pulled away with a little laugh and he stared at her in half amazement and wonder because it’s like she’s been waking him up with coffee and kisses her entire life, his entire life and he wondered how he had gotten this far without that, without her.

Pam kissed him.

The thought reverberated around his mind and he tried to think of something to say but she was still sitting there, smiling shyly at him, one hand still pressed against his chest.

“Pam…” Her name came out in a scratchy fog and he hardly recognized his own voice. He cleared his throat again but before he could get the words out her eyes widened and she jumped up and ran toward the kitchen.

“I forgot about--” Her words were cut off by a tiny little shriek followed by a loud thud. Jim ran after her and stopped short when he saw her lying on her back, in the middle of the floor.

“Shit that hurt.”

He pursed his lips in amusement, “I thought I told you not to run on the tile in your socks.”

Pam looked up at him and made a face, “Ha. Ha.”

“You okay?”

She grimaced, “Yeah, I think I’ll live… how’s breakfast?”

Jim glanced into the almost unrecognizably burnt remains of scrambled eggs and bacon, “Umm… well… if you were going for the blackened look then yeah, it’s great.”

Pam groaned and dropped her head back against the tile, “Sorry.”

Jim laughed, flipped off the stove and crouched down next to her, “It’s cool. I’m not all that hungry for bacon anyway.”

“Hmm, maybe you should stop dreaming about Michael and his feet.”

Jim rolled his eyes, “Like I would actually chose to have a dream about Michael. Or his feet.”

“He’s ruining my breakfast plans.”

“I don’t think that’s what ruined breakfast this morning.” He smiled down at her, “And seriously, I’m not that hungry.”

Pam let out a sigh and looked up at him, tilting her head to the side and biting her lip in anxiety or nervousness, maybe a little bit of both.

“I kissed you.”

Jim let out a shaky laugh, “Yeah, you did.”

He tried to control the feeling in his chest, the feeling that was coursing through his veins and threatening to explode out his finger and toes.

Five years. Five months. Twelve days and twenty-three hours of loving her, wanting her, needing her sometimes so much that it almost killed him and she had just kissed him.

Like it was that simple.

“Yeah you did.” He shook his head, “Why did you...?” He’s not really sure if he should be asking the question, if it even matters.

Pam shrugged and rested her hand on her forehead, “I don’t know… because… because…” She closed her eyes and began taking large, even breaths. Jim watched her for a moment, resisting the urge to move his hand against her cheek.

“Pam…”

Her eyes fluttered open and she smiled at him, that same smile like before and her eyes were bright like she had just figured out the answer to some complicated riddle.

“I kissed you because… because you’re Jim.”

And he knows exactly what she means because that’s why he loves her. It’s not because she’s beautiful and smart and funny and warm. And it’s not because being close to her makes him feel like his life makes sense and it’s not because she’s the only person he’s been able to talk to in half sentences and still completely get.

It’s because she’s Pam.

And that’s everything…

He couldn’t really control the smile that spread across his face and he wasn’t sure what to say anymore but her hands were in his hair again and his lips were pressed to hers and he was really really kissing her and five years of… something took over in that moment of everything…

She pulled him down on top of her and wrapped her arms around his neck as they sank into each other. Her mouth opened against his and she ran her tongue along his lower lip before meeting him for kiss after kiss…

Jim groaned as she pushed up his shirt and ran her nails gently along the skin there. His mouth was moving over her face, her eyelids, her forehead, the tip of her nose… trailing down to her jaw line and he had kissed her there before but this was all new… and she was responding to him and pulling against him and making the most incredible sounds low in her throat… and she wanted him too.

The want and the need were humming in his head as he lifted himself up of her a bit and brushed the curls away from her face. Her lips were red and swollen with his kisses, her eyes were wide and bright and she grinned back at him and tried to catch her breath.

Jim bent his head slightly and kissed the spot under her earlobe.

“You’re beautiful.”

He whispered the words next to her ear and continued moving his lips down her throat, nipping at the soft skin lightly with his teeth.

Pam shivered and moaned softy, her hands dragging through his hair, pulling him closer… closer… closer…

His fingers danced lightly over her skin and pushed the strap of her tank top to the side so he could press a kiss to her collarbone and he knew then that he would never stop being amazed at the way she arched against him, brought her body to his, whispered his name so softly like that.

Perfection.

He rolled them over to the side and ran his hands down her his hips. Pam giggled softly and he looked up at her with a smirk, “Ticklish Beesly?”

She shook her head adamantly, “No.” She shrieked with laughter though when he moved his fingers again. “Stop.” Her words were punctuated with giggles as she tried to wiggle away from him.

Jim finally moved his hands away from her and she tried to take a calming breath. He wasn’t tickling her anymore but when she met his eyes she burst into laughter. Loud, rolling laughter that shook her entire body and brought glistening tears to her eyes. Jim stared at her with his mouth open.

“Wow. I always knew my kisses could knock a woman senseless but…”

This only made Pam laugh harder. She wiped under her eyes, “I’m… I’m… ki…” The words only got so far before she fell to another laughing attack.

Jim could only pull himself back up to a sitting position and watch with amusement as she seemingly lost her mind right in front of him.

“You alright there Beesley?”

She was finally able to choke back her laughter and she looked up at him with a dazed expression, “I’m making out with you on my kitchen floor…. I’m making out with Jim… on my kitchen floor.”

He raised an eyebrow, “Yeah, I can see why you would find that so hilarious.”

“No.” Pam sobered and sat up quickly. She settled her hands on his chest and stared at a spot on his shirt, “It’s just… it should be weird. Right?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never had anyone go all hysterical like that… That was weird.” He was smiling as he said it though and pressing his hand against the small of her back so that she moved closer to him.

She shook her head, “No… I mean, we’ve been friends for so long and suddenly we’re making out in the middle of my kitchen and that should be weird. Except it’s not and I…” Pam rolled her eyes then and slapped his arm playfully, “Well, why the hell haven’t we done this before?”

Why… why…

Jim laughed, “I forget.”

“You’ve been holding out on me.”

“How will you ever forgive me?”

“I think I’ll find a way.” She cupped his face in her hands and pulled him closer so that he could feel her breath against his lips. He tried to move in but she held him still. looking him firmly in the eyes.

Her next words came out in a whisper, “I’m in love with you Jim Halpert.”

Because you’re Pam.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” She pulled away and cocked her head to the side, “You got a problem with that?”

“I don’t think so.”

Their foreheads touched and they rested there, breathing softly together and the feeling that welled up inside him was almost too much because she loved him and it was perfect and it didn’t seem right to be sitting there amongst utter perfection.

But he could get lost in that, in her.

Pam groaned after a long moment and pulled away, craned her neck to look at the clock on the microwave, “I’ve got to get ready. Jenny…”

“Oh… yeah…”

Jim pulled her back to her feet, “I’m surprised she hasn’t called you yet this morning.”

Pam looked slightly sheepish and shrugged, “I took the phone off the hook before you woke up.”

“Did you? Beesey, I’m impressed. You planned on ravishing me this morning didn’t you?”

She snorted as she dumped the frying pan into the sink, “Ravished? Please.” Looking back at him she raised her eyes suggestively, “Not that I wouldn’t be capable of such a thing.”

“You think you could seduce me huh?”

“Please. It would be a piece of cake.”

He spun her around then and pressed her up against the counter and her mouth fell open only long enough for him to capture her lips in a soul- searing kiss.

Pam gasped when he pulled away from her, bending his head to trail his lips down her neck just ever so gently, just barely, breathing warm against the skin. She clutched at his shoulders and let out a breathless little laugh as he continued moving up and down her throat with feather light kisses and his hands inched up her shirt, touching the pale skin of her stomach.

“Jim… Jim…please…”

Leave us here.

He finally pulled away and looked into her eyes which were darkened with need. She swallowed hard, “Maybe I don’t have to go to the wedding shower. Jenny won’t miss me.”

He shook his head and stepped away.

She eyed him narrowly, “You tease.”

Jim laughed, “Why don’t you go get ready? I’ll have breakfast ready when you get out.”

Pam took a deep breath, “Fine. I’ll go take a cold shower.” She moved to the doorway and then looked back at him with a grin, “But you’re the one that has to think about me while I’m in the shower.”

He shook his head and attempted to clear his mind of that image, “Any chance you’ll be taking that shower fully clothed?”

“Nope.” She giggled and practically skipped out of the room.

Jim turned back to the sink with a smile on his face. He thought of something though and turned around quickly, “Hey, Pam?”

She stuck her head back around the hall corner, “Yeah?”

“I love you too.”

“Uh… duh…?” She disappeared back around the corner and he could hear her laughter coming from the bedroom.

It was magical.

He looked around at the mess in the kitchen, clutching at the counter for support.

She loved him. Loved him. Loved him. Loved him.

What could he even feel in that moment? Lightness? Lightness and peace and love and joy and happiness and security and just sublime everythingness…

He understood why Pam laughed. Why she had to laugh. Why it was the only thing she could do. All this emotion had to go somewhere.

And the really crazy thing was that he should feel weird. He should feel like his entire life had just turned upside down, like everything had changed, like he couldn’t see straight or think straight… but it all felt so normal.

To kiss her in the middle of her kitchen, to get breakfast ready while listening to the sounds of her in the shower.

Had he been doing this forever?

Maybe nothing had changed…

It was Pam.

Pam.

Half an hour later she walked back out to the kitchen, wearing jeans and a simple black v-neck sweater and scrunching her damp hair with one hand.

“You look nice.”

She grinned and leaned against the counter, “Thanks. I’m sure Jenny’s going to find someway to whine about my appearance but she’s just going to have to deal with it today.” She peered around him, “So… what did you make me?”

“Glad you asked… you actually have a choice.” He grabbed two boxes off the counter, “Plain or honey nut?”

Pam made a face, “You really are a culinary genius aren’t you? Honey nut.”

“Hey, I’ll have you know, not everyone call pull off this kind of breakfast.”

“Jim, I hate to break it to you but I think a five-year old could pull this off.”

He stopped pouring the cereal, “Are you scoffing at my breakfast? Cause you don’t have to have any.”

She laughed and grabbed his hand, “No… it’s nice. Thank you.”

Jim smiled and handed her the bowl, “Your breakfast is served M’lady.”

“Thanks Jeeves.” She stood on her tippy- toes and gave him a quick kiss before grabbing the two spoons that were still in the drain board and heading for the couch, “It looks wonderful.”

He grabbed his own bowl and followed her.

Pam propped her legs up on the table and grabbed the remote, “Sunday morning cartoons?”

“Sounds perfect.”

January 1, 2008 8:27 p.m.

Jim snored.

It was really only in the morning and it was more of a loud sighing whistle but sometimes if it was early enough and Pam hadn’t gotten enough sleep the night before that loud sighing whistle was enough to make her want to give him a swift kick over the edge of the bed.

That morning was no exception.

Pam lifted her head off the pillow and stared at the clock through blurry eyes.

8:27

She groaned. It was much too early to be awake. Especially on New Year’s Day.

Not that they had really done anything or gone anywhere the night before. They had turned down all other invitations for New Year’s Eve parties and get-togethers in favor of hanging out at Pam’s apartment alone, watching movies and eating junk food all night.

By nine o’clock they had both been sound asleep on the couch, curled up in each other, The Princess Bride playing quietly unwatched on the television.

Hours after the New Year began Jim had scooped Pam off the couch, carried her into the bedroom and kissed her forehead as she snuggled her face into her pillow.

Okay, so she had gotten almost twelve hours of sleep. Maybe it wasn’t too early to be awake.

Pam turned herself over, settled her head back onto the pillow and watched him for a moment.

Jim was lying on his back, his mouth hanging open slightly, one arm thrown over the edge of the bed and he was still snoring.

It really was annoying.

Roy hadn’t snored.

Roy also hadn’t liked it when she slept close to him, pillowing her head on his chest or arm. He always said that he needed space when he slept.

As annoying as it was, Pam was willing to put up with the snoring.

Besides, when she had finally gotten up the nerve to tell Jim that he was driving her crazy in the mornings, he had blushed, apologized and told her that he didn’t snore when he slept on his side.

She reached up then and pulling his arm, managed to turn him over, amazed again that he didn’t wake up. He never woke up. The man slept like the dead.

Snuggling back down against him she draped his arm around her waist and in his sleep he pulled her closer. Pam’s eyes fluttered closed when he curled into her, murmuring softly and nuzzling his nose against the back of her neck. She laced her fingers with his and let herself drift back to sleep.

They hadn’t really even had their first date yet either.

It was only three days after Jenny’s wedding shower, three days after the “incident in the kitchen” as Pam liked to refer to it and they really hadn’t even gotten a chance to talk.

When Jim had shown up after work with a box of pizza in one hand and a six-pack in the other they really had planned on eating and watching some television and possibly, maybe, having that conversation.

Somehow though, and they would argue for years about whose fault it was, the pizza box ended up unopened on the living room floor as they stumbled and laughed their way into the bedroom, leaving a trail of clothes behind them.

He pushed her back against the wall, his lips tracing her jaw line, his fingers slipping beneath the material of her skirt,

…touching… pushing… tasting…

Her skin hummed under his touch and she lifted herself up against him, hooking one leg around him, her nails scraping down his shoulders…

…more…

She kissed the spot on his bare chest where she could feel his heart pulsing against her lips and she had to close her eyes to calm the dizziness.

..more...more…

“Pam.”

He braced his hands against the wall and titled her head to look into her eyes, read her like he had always done and it scared her, scared her that someone could look that deeply and find something… something worth it all and Roy had always just skimmed and skipped ahead to the good parts so she didn’t really know if it was possible…

Until Jim. Jim, who read her and always found something… parts of herself that she didn’t know existed, that made her feel beautiful.

Loved.

And she wanted to know what he found then because he closed his eyes and held his breath and she didn’t want him to pull away from her ever, ever again.

“Jim.”

Her breath caught in her throat to see the tears in his eyes, the little half smile he gave her.

“I never thought… I never…”

She cupped his face in her hands and kissed him with an intensity that surprised them both.

“I know Jim. I know… I know… I know…

9:47

There was no way she would ever be able to go back to sleep and as she turned in his arms she wondered if he had had another sleepless night.

It was another one of those things that she was learning about him. That sometimes at night he didn’t sleep, sometimes he would stare at the ceiling for hours and when she asked him about it he just shrugged and said it was out of “habit.”

The heater in her apartment was spotty and the room was cold that morning so Pam pulled the comforter tighter over both of them, tucking her feet against his legs to warm them up a bit.

She ran her hand up his chest and into his hair and remembered the way she used to sit behind her desk and think about his hair and how tall he was when he would stretch out his legs and clasp his hands behind his head and how small her body felt when he stood next to her.

These thoughts had always made her feel guilty, wrong somehow, but now as she squirmed her way down the bed so that their feet touched and she was eye level with his chest she felt a sense of possession about him. Like his tallness was hers because of the way she felt in his arms and maybe he was tall because of her. It didn’t really make a lot of sense but it felt right and for Pam that was enough.

She moved lower still until she pressed a kiss to his hip and he shifted, made a noise in the back of his throat like he was trying not to laugh and rolled himself onto his back, taking her with him.

His eyes remained closed but she smiled, kissed his stomach, his chest, moving higher and higher, inching slowly up his body, resting her mouth on the ridge of his collarbone, his shoulder, his neck, jaw line, his ear, his nose, his eyelids, his forehead…

She braced herself above him, her curls falling against his face, ticking the skin on his cheeks so that his jaw twitched slightly.

“Hey.”

One eye opened tentatively and his face fell into a scowl, “Way too early.”

Pam giggled and pressed a kiss to his lips, “Baby.”

“You’re depriving me of my much needed beauty sleep.”

“Well, I’m not going to argue with that.” She made like she was going to move off of him but his arms moved up to hold her firmly to his chest, one hand pressed against the small of her back. He finally relaxed his face into a grin, “Hey.”

“Mmm, I’m afraid it’s too late for that. You’ve insulted me already and-”

“You were the one trying to take advantage of me.”

She snorted, “Like it’s hard. You are sooo easy.”

In one swift move Jim rolled them both over, pinning Pam to the bed, her hands securely pressed to her sides so she couldn’t move. She cocked her head at him and wiggled her eyebrows, “See?”

“You got me… Wow, am I that easily seduced?”

“Afraid so. Especially when I know all your weaknesses.”

“Hmm, well then…” He laughed and bent to kiss her forehead, her eyelids, her nose, “It’s a good thing for me that I know your weaknesses too.”

He continued his path down to her jaw line, her neck, her shoulders, her collarbone…

Pam sighed, “Yes, a very good thing.”

He looked up just as she walked into the office with a smile on her face. His feet dropped to the ground and he swiveled in his chair, “I’ll be sure to get right on that. Yup. Will do… Have a good day.” He hung up the phone and rested his forearms against the desk, “And to what do I owe this unexpected visit?”

Pam shrugged and leaned back in the visitor’s chair, “I was just in the area and I though I’d stop by and see if my boyfriend wanted to have lunch with me.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. But- ” She pointed toward the office across the hall, “Bill was busy so I thought I’d come in here and ask you. You know, as a last resort.”

“Cute.”

She smiled widely, “You should be honored that I’d ask you. I happen to be a wonderful lunch companion.”

“Really? Well I don’t know about that. If I ate lunch with you then I’d have to give up some scintillating conversation with Dave “you want to hear about the chick I banged last night?” Johnson and I’m not sure it’s something I’m willing to sacrifice.”

“Huh. Too bad. But you know, there’s something I can offer you that Dave Johnson just can’t.”

Jim grinned, “Oh really? What’s that?”

“The chance to buy me a bag of chips.”

“Wow. French onion?”

“Is there any other flavor?”

“Yeah… that’s enticing but Dave actually lets me buy him a bag of chips every day. So… what else can you offer me?”

Pam rolled her eyes and held up the brown paper bag in her lap, “On the off chance that you would actually want to eat with me I did bring a Tuna sandwich, which I know you like better than the ham and cheese you insist on making every day aaannnd homemade cookies.”

Jim cocked an eyebrow, “Cookies huh? Is that really appropriate for the workplace Pam?”

Her mouth dropped open and she scrunched up her nose, “Eww, Jim. I hadn’t even thought of it like that. Please never ever say that again…”

“Hey, you brought it up.” He stood up and adjusted his tie, his hand at the small of her back as he led her out of the office. “You’re the one with the inappropriate lunch suggestions. But I’ve got an image to uphold around here and lunchtime hijinks with my girl friend wouldn’t be good for that.”

She turned around and tugged on his tie, “Hijinks huh? Well, I’ve got to admit, the idea of ravishing you on your desk had occurred to me.”

Jim looked down at her, “Screw my image. I’ll risk the being fired.”

Pam looked slightly interested for a moment and then shook her head, “Naah, I’m not in the mood.” She turned and sauntered down the hallway.

“Beesely.” His voice was low. When she looked back he had braced his hand against the top of the doorframe and he was giving her that look and it really did take all her will power to remind herself of where they were exactly.

“Are you gonna eat lunch with me or not Halpert?”

Jim bit his tongue as he shut the door to his office and followed her toward the lunch room, “You’re killing me.”

She giggled, “You love me, admit it.”

“Let’s just see how good those cookies are and then we’ll see.”

Pam slapped his arm, “Such a guy.”

He was an expressive person, his face saying so much that words sometimes couldn’t and she often found herself looking into his eyes as if there were answers there that she hadn’t even thought to ask the questions to yet.

But his hands… he talked with his hands, moving them around in wide gestures to make his point, to tell a story… and it wasn’t annoying the way it could be with some people. He was graceful and in their first years of friendship she had almost blushed when she asked him if he ever played piano.

Maybe it had been a bad idea to do little things like palm readings and maybe it crossed that dangerous line of flirting that they continually danced over but sometimes she needed to touch him, needed him to touch her. And once while they were all headed into the conference room he had put his hand on her back, the way Roy did sometimes and it had seemed so natural that she didn’t even notice at first. But then his hand was large and strong and she had wanted to lean into him and even when he moved away and sat on the opposite side of the room she could still feel the heat from where he had touched her, little pin picks of feeling that spread quickly through her body.

Sometimes while she was at her desk, and wasn’t until years later that she realized exactly how Jim-centric her thoughts were at that desk, she would watch him, watch the way he twirled his pencil through his fingers, they way he typed… and she would imagine what else his fingers could do, what else they could touch… but that was about as far as the thought could go… as far as she would ever let it and she wasn’t sure she could handle it going further than that.

So when Jim did touch her, when he ran his hands down her stomach and lower… lower… she really did feel like it was too much… too much… much… much… too much…

But his hands fit her so so perfectly and she loved his hands and sometimes when they were out she would kiss his palm and tell him so and he’d get that goofy embarrassed grin and it was suddenly impossibly hard to keep from touching him with her own hands.

Something warm and soft touched her neck and she wiggled closer to it, making an agreeable noise in the back of her throat.

No. She didn’t ever. Ever want to move.

The warmth spread from her neck to her back as his arm wrapped around her, pulled her close, tucked her head under his chin.

With a sigh of contentment she squirmed against him a little, her hand sliding up to pull at his shirt, to pull him closer… when she felt his lips on the top of her head she allowed herself to drift off again, feeling it all drop away…

… he was sliding out of bed, out from under her and a light illuminated the room for a moment and then dimmed again…

… the sound of the shower finally roused her and she stretched her arms and legs out, lying diagonally across the bed, clutching the pillow to her chest. Forcing one eye open she glanced at the bedside clock.

7:15

“rrrhhhmmmmm.”

Her head fell back to the pillow until she heard the water turn off and the shower door sliding open. A few minutes later the bathroom door opened, filling the bedroom with light. Pam groaned and flipped over onto her back, blinking rapidly at the ceiling.

“Hey, you’re awake.”

“Hmmmm.”

He laughed, “I’ve got to swing by my apartment before work. Sorry if I woke you up.”

“Mmmm mmm.” She cleared her throat and struggled to sit up, tucking her legs up to her chin and watching as he buttoned down his shirt in the doorway. “Busy day?”

“Umm, yeah, some of the corporate managers are coming in today for a seminar on some of our new prices.”

“That sounds… thrilling.”

“Oh yeah, it will be. I can’t wait.” He disappeared into the bathroom again, tucking his shirt into his pants, “How about you?”

Pam tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and yawned, “Same old.”

“When do you hear about this new book?”

“Some time next week I think.”

Jim flipped the light off in the bathroom and sat on the edge of the bed to put on his shoes and socks, “You think it’ll work out?”

“Yeah. Becca heard back from the editor last week. It sounded good so we’ll see.”

“Good…Oh hey, just to warn you, I think Stephanie might call sometime today and ask you to baby-sit.”

“Okay. I don’t mind. Caleb’s a good kid. We’re good buddies.”

“I don’t want my sister taking advantage of you.”

“She’s not.” Pam moved to wrap her arms around him, resting her chin on his shoulder, “I like your family.”

He couldn’t help but smile, “They like you too.”

“Well… obviously.”

Jim laughed and turned around to kiss her, reluctantly standing up and grabbing his bag off the floor, “I’ll call you later.”

“You better. Have a good day.”

“Love you.”

“Love you too.”

“Hmm.” Jim kissed her knee, resting his lips there long enough to think about it. He looked up at her, “I need to lose twenty-pounds.”

Pam rolled her eyes, “Yeah. Okkaayyy.”

“I’m serious Pam. This year I’m really going to do it.”

“Oh shut it. You do not need to lose twenty pounds.”

“What are you implying?”

“I’m just sayin’. You’re looking a little thin--”

“So first I need to lose weight and now I need to gain weight. There’s just no pleasing you is there?”

“I’m a fickle, fickle woman. I just can’t help it.” She rested her hand against her forehead and batted her eyelashes.

Jim cocked an eyebrow and ran a finger along the underside of her foot so that she shrieked and tried to yank it away. He held her ankle firm and tickled her again.

“Jim.”

“Pam.”

She sighed dramatically, “Oh Jim. You know I love you just the way you are. Never, ever change.” She finished with a high falsetto and a little laugh as he pulled her down the bed toward him.

“Hey.”

“Hey yourself.”

Jim moved to sit next to her, resting his elbows on his knees, running his hands through his hair, avoiding her eyes.

“Why do we do this?”

“What?”

“Make everything so complicated. Why does everything have to be so fucking complicated?”

He thought about it for a moment, “I don’t think it has to be. Sometimes I think we like doing it to ourselves. We like the pain. But maybe it doesn’t have to be that way. Maybe everything’s just… simple.”

She smiled, “Very profound.”

“Thank you.”

They were quiet for a moment.

“Roy and I never really used to fight a lot.”

He looked at her then because in almost two years it was a subject that they rarely ever touched – skirted around – avoided – never touched.

“He… I… I don’t know.” She hung her head, “I mean, not in the beginning. He would do something to piss me off and I would just ignore it and I would do something and he would… Maybe that’s why it all fell apart in the end.”

Jim swallowed. He hated that. Hated that Roy and Pam just fell apart. That he couldn’t be a bigger part of that. But he knew… knew that they didn’t really matter anymore. The reasons, the why, the how… she was next to him now, a part of his life now…

“We’re not going to fall apart.”

“No. I know.” There was a look in her eyes that made him reach for her hand, lace their fingers together, lean back so that their shoulders touched.

“So… our first fight huh?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t like… I don’t…”

“Me neither.”

Pam rested her head against him, “Can’t we just be simple together then?”

He closed his eyes, “I think we can try.”

After thinking about it for a moment she looked up at him, “We’re going to fail at it aren’t we?”

“Umm, yeah. Miserably.”

Pam laughed, “But we’ll have fun doing it right?”

“Oh yeah.”

Pam rummaged through the fridge and pulled out two cartons of Chinese from the night before, “I’ve been out of town for two weeks. What do you except?”

“I expect my girlfriend to cook a nice meal for me, especially when I haven’t eaten all day.”

Pam’s eyes widened and she threw something tin-foiled at his bare chest, “Watch it.”

He laughed as he caught it, “Kidding. What is this?”

“No clue.”

Jim sniffed at it, grimaced and threw it across the room into the trashcan.

“Nice shot.”

“Thanks… here, move aside. I can put a meal together out of practically anything.”

Pam moved back and leaned against the counter, “You should have your own cooking show.”

“I’m thinking about it. Quit my job. Join the Food Network. Have a show where I can make a meal out of ketchup and a bag of Roman Noodles.”

“Okay, that sounds disgusting and I’m not eating it.”

Jim straightened and glanced at her with a smile, “Not a problem.” He held up a loaf of bread and a package of cheese slices.

Pam grinned, “My favorite.”

“So he’s standing next to my desk and he’s got this cup full of urine and he’s looking at it like it’s the holy grail and I can’t say anything because--”

“I jinxed him.”

“Yeah, I’m stuck there at my desk and it’s the worst day ever not to be able to talk and she’s taking some kind of sick pleasure in it--”

Pam giggled, “But somehow he’s managed to carry on an entire conversation with the office gossip without saying an entire word--”

“It really wasn’t that hard..’

“And he even pulls out the fake crying--”

“Okay, that was all your fault.”

“How was it my--?”

“Wasn’t it enough that you jinxed me?” Jim turned back to the group, “She just had to torture me all day long.”

Pam shrugged, “It was fun.”

They grinned at each other.

“Wow. How long have you guys been together?”

“Oh um… three months?”

“You’re kidding me.”

“Well, we’ve been friends for awhile.”

“We used to work together and--”

“Aww, an office romance?”

Pam took a sip of her champagne, “Errr, sort of, I guess.”

“So did you guys know right away?”

Pam and Jim looked at each other.

“Ummm, no.”

“It just sorta happened.”

“She fell for my dashing good looks.”

“Uh-huh. Sure. Just finish with your story Casanova.”

“Uh-huh.”

She turned to look at him. He was propped up against the headboard, engrossed in a book, his fingers trailing lazily up and down her calf. She watched him for a moment then turned back to the movie with a smile on her face.

Four months. In four months she had become a part of him, a part of his life and he was a part of hers and it felt weird to be so far away.

Five years of not being with her and he had almost forgotten what that felt like. Almost.

Sometimes that aching pain came back, that moment in the morning before he was fully awake, before he reached out and touched the softness of her shoulder and knew that she was real. It was real.

“My crazy cousins got in today.”

“How was it?”

“Bad. Pam, I was reduced to locking myself in the hall closet for ten minutes just so I could have some peace and quiet.”

“How’s your mom handling it?”

“Better than I would. These kids are ripping apart her house and she just keeps smiling.”

“Probably to keep herself from killing one of them.”

“Probably… how’re the festivities at your house?”

“Quiet actually. My grandparents got snowed in so it looks like it’s just me and David and my parents.”

“How’s that?”

“Not bad actually. David actually asked about you.”

“Hey, progress.”

“Yeah… I miss you though.”

Jim smiled, “I miss you too.”

“It feels weird to be here. It’s always been home but now… I don’t know.”

He knew what she meant.

“Hey, I know we already exchanged presents but--”

“Jim.”

“No. It’s nothing really. Check the front pocket of your suitcase.”

He could hear the rustling of covers as she crawled out of bed. Closing his eyes he imagined her flannel pajamas, the way she would sit in front of her suitcase with an eager smile on her face.

She laughed, “Jim. What is this?”

“It’s… listen, don’t read it right now…I just…I meant to give it to you awhile ago and I just never got the chance.”

Pam fell silent.

“I don’t need to read it Jim.”

“…No… I just…I wanted you to know.”

“Yeah.” She waited a beat, then, “Where have you been keeping this thing? It looks like it went through the washing machine.”

Jim laughed and settled back down against his pillow, “Actually, I think it did. It was in the back pocket of my pants and…”

“Thank you.”

“Yeah. Merry Christmas Beesley.”

Jim glanced up, a slow grin spreading across his face, “I wore you out huh?”

She rolled her eyes, “Sure.”

“Hey… you’re wearing my shirt.”

Pam giggled and joined him back in bed, sitting next to him on her knees.

“I just ironed that.”

She looked down at the yellow dress shirt she was wearing, “It looks better on me.”

“Now that I would actually have to agree with.” He turned the television off, threw the remote control off the side of the bed and pulled her closer, onto his lap, “I have a confession to make.”

She settled her hands on his shoulders and regarded him thoughtfully, “What’s that?”

“I used to think about it… what you would look like dressed just like that... sometimes during work…” A dark red stole into his cheeks as Pam’s mouth dropped open in mock shock.

“Jim Halpert. You were having impure thoughts about me during work hours?”

He shrugged, “Hey, you were there. You know what it was like. I was bored. A lot.”

Pam shook her head, “So I was just a distraction for you huh?” She bent her head to kiss his chin.

“Yep. Pretty much.”

“A way to pass the time?”

“Hmmm. It’s a good thing my life’s so boring.”

“Because, otherwise what would you need me for?”

“Exactly.”

She pulled away from him and gave him a look, “You know, I’m feeling completely underappreciated. I think I’ll just leave.”

As she attempted to move away from him Jim grabbed her around her waist, attempting to flip her over onto her back. They got tangled up in each other in the process and before they knew it they were both on the floor laughing.

“Smooth move Halpert.”

“Hey. I told you I had moves. I didn’t say they were smooth.”

Pam giggled, “Maybe it is a good thing you keep me around. Not many other girls would put up with this kind of crap.”

“True. I guess even when my life does get exciting I’ll have to still keep you nearby.”

“Sure, I’ll always be up for a booty call.”

Jim laughed loudly as he pulled the comforter off the bed and draped it over them, “Booty call? Really?”

“Hey. Don’t laugh. I am all about the booty calls.” She snuggled next to him on her side, tangling her legs with his. “Did you ever used to build forts when you were younger? You know, drape sheets and blankets over all the chairs in the living room and then sit underneath like it was this whole new world? Did you ever do that?”

He tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear and looked at her in a bit of wonder. “Yeah.”

“That’s kinda what this feels like.”

“A whole new world?”

She couldn’t help but laugh at herself, “Yeah.”

“Are you gonna sing now?”

Pam opened her mouth and began with a short, off-tune, “A whole new world…” but Jim silenced her with his mouth. She laughed against him, “Well now I’m insulted.”

“You should be.” He kissed her again, “Incredibly insulted.”

They smiled at each other, her head resting on his arm, his thumb brushing over her ribcage.

Leave us here.

Leave us here.

Jim continued to watch her, his face growing serious. She reached out and ran a finger down his cheek, “What?”

They were breathing together, so close that their noses touched, so close that she almost breathed in his next words…

“Will you marry me?”

Pam looked up and bit her lip, “Oh… uh… nothing.” She shook her head, “It’s stupid.”

“Come on.” Jim bent down to where she was sitting cross legged by the side of the bed.

“It’s just…” She peered into the box and then pulled off the top with a sigh, “It’s just a bunch of stuff… umm, memories I guess.”

His lips curled up with a smile as he glanced through the contents of the box, “I didn’t realize you were so sentimental Beesley.”

“Yeah well…”

“Is this?” He pulled out the paper clip chain and held it up with his index finger.

She laughed, “Yeah. God, do you remember that day?”

Jim shook his head, “I was really bored.”

“It was cute… I thought…”

He glanced up at her and she shrugged again, “It was nice to see you excited about something.”

“Wow. My life must have been incredibly sad.”

“Shut up. It was not.”

Jim just smiled and continued looking through the box, “What’s this?”

“Oh…” She blushed as he unfolded the piece of construction paper, “It’s my first piece of artwork.”

He looked up at her, then back down at the painting, running his fingers over the cracked painting. Something in her stomach flipped in that touch, in the way that he seemed to know that it meant something.

“Well, you can’t just keep this in a box under your bed.”

“Oh? And what I’m I supposed to do with it?”

Jim grinned at her and jumped to his feet, taking the painting with him as he walked out of the room.

“Wait Jim… What…?” She threw the rest of the contents into the box, added the worn Christmas card to the top and shoved the whole thing back under her bed.

Pam ran out of the bedroom, “Where are you--?”

Her mouth dropped open and she stopped short in the doorway of the kitchen.

The painting was hanging on the fridge as Jim surveyed it proudly. He turned to look at her, “It’s your first piece of art. Someday it’s gonna be worth something and I think that deserves a place of honor don’t you?”

Worth something.

Yes.

Pam bit her lip, trying desperately not to cry, her heart pounding. The smile dropped off Jim’s face as he looked from her to the painting.

“What?”

She shook her head and took a deep breath, counted to three…

“Nothing… I… you…”

You fit me.

“Nevermind.” With a small bounce in her step she turned from the kitchen, ““What do you say we get this New Years Eve party started?”

Jim stared at her, still confused, but he followed her to the living room, “Okay, but I vote that we watch the Fugitive first.”

Pam made a face, “Seriously?”

“Hey, it’s a good movie. It’s a really, really, really, really good movie.”

“Wow. Ebert and Roeper should totally ask you to join their show.”

He nodded seriously and pointed his thumbs in the air, “Hey, what has two thumbs and loves the Fugitive? This guy!”

“You’re such a dork.”

But he wasn’t going to take them back. She looked into his eyes, saw that he meant it, saw that he wanted it, that he had always wanted it and words weren’t really needed to express that. Everything he needed to say was in his eyes. In the touch of his fingertips as they trailed up and down her back.

It had always been there. Between them. Between the words and the glances and the touches.

They fit.

It was the thing she was most sure of when she opened her mouth to answer him.

“Okay.”

July 18, 2008 2:30 pm

“I don’t get many things right the first time

In fact I am told that a lot

Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls

Brought me here.”

Looking back Jim would say that it wasn’t the perfect moments that defined their relationship. It wasn’t about the moments where everything would align and make sense and fit and work perfectly. How could it be when they were such imperfect people?

Yes, they fit together. They fit together in a way that no one really could understand. It wasn’t like they made each other whole but in being together – they made something else whole, complete, perfect. Something cosmic, eternal and it would be easy to say that it was fate that brought them together, that by an act of destiny they were able to overcome everything that kept them apart. And someone said something one time along those lines to them but Pam and Jim just laughed, looked at each other and knew that it was a lot more than that.

From the beginning – and it was ironic because he couldn’t even really remember the beginning. Nothing about that moment when Pam first walked into the office told him to remember it. There hadn’t been a clap of thunder, an opening of the heavens, even a feeling under his skin that at that moment… He remembered that she was wearing a pink shirt, that he appreciated the new face, that Michael said something stupid. He remembers…

“It will be your job to revive me when I die of boredom.”

… not a lot. And the moment slipped him by and million more after and she was just this woman he worked with, got along with, could make laugh in this really beautiful way that made the whole room warm. That was it really – and when did it happen? When did that change? Again, it should have been this huge earth shattering moment but he just woke up one day and he could see her smile when he closed her eyes and he could hear her laugh and he couldn’t even remember when that hadn’t been true.

“So what would you do if you weren’t here?”

He always thought he could leave. He thought he could get away from Dunder- Mifflin. After all, he had always promised himself that he wouldn’t stay there past five years. And that was easy to think about whenever the phone rang and it was a dissatisfied customer or whenever he could hear that faint tell tale click when Michael’s door was about to open – then it was easy to think that he could stand up one day, walk out and never come back. But something about her smile…

She made it easier to stay, to live through it all and even more than that… she made it easier to think that he wouldn’t need much more than this his whole life. And what was a career really? Just a way to make money and why should that be so important? Maybe in the beginning it wasn’t even about her so much. It could have been anyone really. He didn’t want to live for paper and sales calls and the nine to five. He wanted to live for that feeling he got in his stomach when she smiled at him. But it could have been anybody.

“Well I’ll just have to come up with an excuse to get you to come over and visit me.”

It’s easier to remember when that changed, when it was her, only her… when he stopped thinking about the anybody.

One day she just… she seemed to need him too. Need his smile, need his laughter, his touch and she’d walk over to his desk like a kid with something mischievous up her sleeve and she’d talk to him like she just needed to hear the sound of his voice. He convinced himself that this wasn’t true, that she didn’t need him, that it was all in his head but somewhere, somehow he knew…

“Maybe the cameras will find something that everyone else is missing.”

They fell into this pattern, this way of life that was comfortable and easy and so very Jim and Pam of them in a way that only they knew what that meant and she talked to him in a way that he didn’t think she talked to anyone else, including Roy and there were times – little snippets of moments when maybe, maybe…

“I just wanted to say thanks.”

He didn’t know why he was thinking about all this now. Why he was thinking about it while pacing up and down a beach while the clouds were moving in except that he’s trying to create a catalog in his head of all those moments. Those little moments that seemed meaningless, those moments that he barely remembers, the imperfect moments that define them, make them Jim and Pam because it wasn’t about fate or destiny bringing together two soul mates. They had each worked so fucking hard for it, to get to this place, this moment, this incredibly perfect imperfect moment. And that was enough.

She had said it before, life was never going to be perfect. Life was never going to just even out and flatten and just be perfect and right and even just thinking about it like that – he doesn’t want it and she doesn’t either – not anymore.

Life is fucked up and strange and sublimely complex and he wouldn’t give that up. Not for all the perfect moments in the world.

In the beginning it was hard. From that moment when he knew it was her, when he gave up on the anybody, when he stopped looking further – nothing was more painful. Nothing was more painful than seeing her walk out the door every night with another man. Nothing was more painful than when he would see those little snippets of the maybe, the possibility for more…

“I think that’s why you’re the only person I would want to be up here with right now.”

There were times when he would sit in bed and hate that, hate his life, the person he had become, sitting behind a desk and only watching the possibilities, the maybes slipping through his fingers. Years later – and fucking hindsight for always becoming clear too late – he knew that he couldn’t give that up, trade it in, go back and do it over. Those moments of pain and anguish and complete desperation… those were the moments that made them. Those were the moments that defined them.

“Your whole life isn’t written out for you. Not yet.”

The sky was becoming steadily darker and he checked his watch and shook his head because it was just so typical. She had almost broken her tailbone seconds after their first kiss and he had gotten food poisoning after their first date and so why wouldn’t it rain?

Someone asked him if he was nervous, if he was ready but the question barely registered and he shook his head in distraction. He thought about how he was never really nervous around her exactly. She didn’t reduce him to jitters and sweaty palms… although… well, she never really made him nervous. There were times though – the times where he really did wish he could take things back – times in the beginning when he hadn’t known what to say. Or he had known only he couldn’t say it and words would come out of his mouth that were just so stupid and hurtful and why did he say that?

“You’re right. We didn’t dance. It was more like swaying. But still romantic.”

So wasn’t really nerves that caused him to pace up and down the beach and wasn’t a fear of what to say and wasn’t even the fear that for some reason she was going to run out on the whole thing. Because he knows…

No. It’s more that he’s trying to put his finger on something, maybe on what he’s done to deserve her because despite everything he knows that he doesn’t. She’s so much better… she’s beautiful and warm and funny and when she’s sleeping she tucks her hand under her chin and she scrunches up her nose when she’s confused and she loves him and no, he doesn’t deserve her but that doesn’t really matter anymore either. It wasn’t easy but he managed to get to this place where he wasn’t so scared she was going to leave him and when he was with her those insecurities – well, they would always be there. They just didn’t matter as much anymore.

“That feels about right.”

He wanted to give her everything and he would have given her a wedding with all the flowers she wanted and a dress they couldn’t afford and a church with stain-glass windows. Before the longest engagement Dundee, before the postponements and the disappointments and the second drunken proposal, he had heard her talking with Phyllis about the perfect wedding. About how she had pictured in her head for so long how perfect everything would be and that’s what he wanted to give her, something more than a VA hall and a local band and a fiancé who didn’t need to be bothered with her thoughts and feelings.

When he said something to her she had just laughed. Those plans, those dreams, they weren’t so important anymore and they were just something to hold on to, a way to convince herself that maybe life could be perfect.

“I figured, you know, you went to a lot of trouble and it means a lot.”

Part of him has always wanted the same thing- that ultimate dream in the sky, the unattainable. He’s a romantic, a dreamer… of course he is, how could he not be? How could he save a hot sauce packet for two years and not be a bit of a sentimental schmuck? She teased him about this sometimes. When she’s making tea and they both remember… remember… remember and he gets this look in his eyes like he’s in another place. She teased him for all those things that she loves about him and he knows this and sometimes he can’t remember why he didn’t tell her the things he should have earlier. How did he let so many years so by? Silence and awkwardness, silence and awkwardness and all the romantic notions in the world couldn’t make him say something.

“I figured you should hear it from me. Rather than – I mean, you know Michael.”

Or maybe it was exactly that. That was what kept him quiet for so long. That was what kept him loving her from a distance. Part of him was afraid of fucking the whole thing up. And he still feared this. That maybe all their imperfections would be too much, too overwhelming and all the love and hard work in the world wouldn’t keep them together.

It could have been the stupidest thing in the world to propose to her on the bedroom floor. To just let those words, those feelings finally just escape. For once! He finally said something. Finally, finally just said what was on his mind. And it could have ended everything. It really could have. But she had looked at him like… like she knew why he said it and then she was saying yes and laughing and kissing him like she wanted to for the rest of her life.

“You can tell me anything.”

Now he was standing barefoot on the beach, his hair tousled by the wind, his skin sticky with salty sea air and their whole relationship up till that point was in front of him, spread out in a mosaic of words and images and it wasn’t always beautiful and it wasn’t always perfect and sometimes it hurt more than anything but it was everything… everything. All the choices and the stumbles and the tears… he could have just stood still, he could have just let it all go by, could have just let life happen to him, trying as hard as possible not to get hurt along the way.

“Being happy… It shouldn’t be so hard. I mean, we make these decisions and…”

At some point though she had grabbed his hand and pulled him along with her and he just let go of it all, let go of the idea that there was some way to control the pain – it was ironic but that’s when he really felt it for the first time – that lightness, that happiness, the fluttering falling feeling – that life didn’t have to be perfect, they didn’t have to be perfect. But –

Someone made a noise and it broke him from the rambling thoughts in his mind. He looked down the beach he saw her, the white knee length dress fluttering in the wind, her hair blowing around her face, the smile…

She winked at him and even from the distance he could tell she was laughing and he had to take a deep breath to calm the welling in his chest. Love, pride, complete and utter adoration for this woman who was walking toward him and laughing into the wind like nothing else in the world mattered but that moment. This moment.

“This. You and me. When did this happen?”

Their families were there. Just family. When she said she wanted to keep it simple she meant it and she didn’t have a bridesmaid or seating arrangements or a bad D.J. because she didn’t want this day to be about any of that. And he loved her because he knew she really meant it. So it was just their families, scattered around them, smiling, whispering about how beautiful she looked and whether or not it really would rain.

Jim didn’t see any of this, didn’t see the family, didn’t hear the waves crashing on the shore or the seagulls flying overhead. It was just her, her smile, the flowers that were woven into her hair and the way she laughed as she walked toward him, took his hand…

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

They smiled at each other and he rubbed his thumb over her knuckles and felt the way she was almost shaking with anticipation.

“You cold?”

She shook her head and never stopped smiling.

“I kissed you because… because you’re Jim.”

And maybe life couldn’t be perfect and maybe even a moment couldn’t be perfect but everything was just so full in this place, in her smile and he felt again like together they completed something, something bigger than themselves…

“I, James Ryan Halpert take you…"

They had talked about writing their own vows, making it even more casual and informal but after a week of agonizing over what he would say he finally told her that there really wasn’t anything to say or, if he was going to really say it all then they were going to be there for way too long and who wants to stand on the beach in the sand for hours on end?

“I, Pamela Jane Beesley take you…”

She had sighed in relief and hugged him hard because thank God, she couldn’t figure out the words either and neither of them had ever been good at words anyway. He had suggested that they stand around in awkward silence for a few minutes because that was more like them and Pam had rolled her eyes but laughed because it was true.

“… to have and to hold. To love and to cherish. For all the days of my life...”

Thunder sounded in the distance and he could feel a drop of rain hit his cheek. Pam made a face at him and he shrugged.

It really was typical.

“But maybe it doesn’t have to be that way. Maybe everything’s just… simple.”

The one thing that surprised him most was just how simple it had been. How simple to just one day wake up and be more than just her best friend. After all that time and worry and fear it really had been the easiest thing. To wake up with her in his arms, skin against skin, that first morning was just so normal, so typical, so everyday in a monumental kind of way. Never ever – he never, ever wanted to lose that.

Their eyes locked and he knew that no matter what…

“I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride.”

She bounced a little on her feet and threw her arms around his neck and he laughed into her hair as he enveloped her into his arms, as she pressed kisses to his neck.

“I think I’m the one that’s supposed to kiss you.”

Pam moved back a little. There was a brightness in her eyes and the rain was coming down even harder, plastering her hair to the sides of her face and she had to blink away raindrops as she looked at him.

“Do you think this is a bad sign?”

“Rain on our wedding day?”

She laughed, “Yeah.”

He looked up into the sky, then back down at her, pulled pieces of flower out of her hair and smiled, “Does it matter?”

“No.”

And with that he lifted her up off her feet a little and kissed her.

“And where was I before the day

That I first saw your lovely face

Now I see it every day

And I know

That I am

I am

I am

The luckiest.”

-- Ben Folds

March 28, 2011, 4:19 pm

“I wanted a perfect ending… Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity.”

--Gilda Radner

Her first piece of artwork was still hanging on their refrigerator. Their – and Pam had to laugh at herself sometimes because little things like the word their still made her smile, made her skin flush and warm. It was ridiculous really. After three years of marriage it should have been like second nature. Yes, it was their refrigerator, in their kitchen, in their apartment. Get over it. It was just a normal, everyday kitchen appliance. Lots of people have refrigerators.

She couldn’t help those little things though. Like the feeling she got whenever she came home at night and he was already there making dinner, moving around the kitchen in bare feet and he would kiss her and ask her how her day was. Or the fact that he could still make her blush when he touched her, looked at her in that way. And three years- after three years she should be over that, right? Or maybe that would never stop. Maybe his smile would always send a little thrill down her spine and she liked that idea, liked that as well as they knew each other, as much as they could second guess each other and complete each other’s sentences and look across a room at each other and – despite all that, certain things would always be new and thrilling.

From the beginning – and sometimes it didn’t seem fair talk about the beginning of their relationship or whatever it was at the beginning. She wasn’t really sure when it began – when they became Jim and Pam. For so long she had been Pam and Roy so it doesn’t really seem fair to discount that. It wasn’t from the first moment. When she first walked into that office he was just the first friendly face, sometimes the only friendly face – at least the only sane face – and it was because of that that she was able to deal with Michael and “Dunder Mifflin this is Pam” and the dirty looks from Dwight and Angela. Maybe she knew that he felt the same suffocating, sinking feeling each time he walked into the office too.

When did they become Jim and Pam? She asked herself that question and found herself backtracking through years of memories and words and looks and smiles, through a whole landscape of moments that had begun to blur together through time - And it’s weird, strange really, the way memory works. The way memories change and stories change. Those stories that have been told over and over – those memories that have been relived a thousand times – they change as life changes. They become more than memory. Those times that she promised herself she would never forget, every little detail locked tight in her mind and then one day… There are only the feelings, brought on by a simple smell, a smile, a word. She couldn’t remember all those moments – all those moments that made them Jim and Pam - sometimes all she had left was feeling.

There was one moment though – and the details were foggy because she couldn’t remember what she and Roy fought about or why she had sat at Jim’s desk. But he had walked in on her crying, had said something about Roy and she had slapped him for saying the things that ran through her mind almost every day. That moment was just – it wasn’t because he cared about her and made her laugh- it was because – okay, it sounds so stupid to think about. Stupid and childish but who didn’t pretend when they were younger? Pretend and imagine and dream? And really, it was all her mom’s fault for reading The Secret Garden to her in the first place, filling her head with magical ideas and fantasies. She and her friends would run around in the back yard and find those spaces under low hanging tree branches and pretend and dream and imagine. A whole new world. A secret place. Somewhere no one could find her – and yeah it was stupid. Especially because at twenty-six she was still looking for it, that place where no one could find her, where she could exist beyond reality, beyond rationality and responsibility. And Jim… when she was with Jim…

That moment in the office, late at night had been the first time she had felt it, felt the way she could get lost with him, in him. Because they did create a little world for themselves, a world were there was no deadline to get expense reports done and no fear of downsizing and no monotony – she hated, hated, hated “Dunder Mifflin this is Pam.” But when she was with Jim…

Of course they couldn’t keep the world at bay. They couldn’t keep it all away from them – as hard as they tried to believe they could exist inside each other and just forget about everything else. Just because they loved each other didn’t mean that there was an automatic happy ending. Just because they had fought so hard and worked so hard and – suppose Romeo and Juliet had lived. Suppose that in the end they had found a way to be together. Would they have been happy? Maybe they would have gotten divorced after two years because Romeo left the toilet seat up and Juliet hogged the covers and in real life shit like that happens. In real life the story doesn’t end at happily ever after, there are no end credits – well, maybe at the end. The actual end.

Pam leaned her head back against the bed. Her hands were shaking and she tucked them in against her knees, took a deep breath, tried not to think. She didn’t want to think those thoughts. Not at that moment. This moment.

He was sitting next to her, completely still, staring straight ahead and she wanted to ask him what he was thinking. She didn’t though – she already had a pretty good idea.

Those thoughts about a fucking happily ever after kept invading her mind. She thought about their wedding day on the beach, how it had rained, how neither of them had cared. How it seemed at that moment that nothing could ever really go wrong and even if it did – what did it even matter?

Sure, her idea of a happily ever after had changed over the years. Like Emily said at the reception dinner – if she got what she had wanted when she was seven she would have married Mark Paul Gosselaar and worn a hoop dress with puffed sleeves. Things change. And somehow, somewhere her fairy-tale, her happily ever after began to look something more like a rain soaked beach and the back room of a restaurant where she danced her first dance with Jim dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt. And the way he looked at her – the way her family laughed and talked around them – nothing had ever felt so right.

He had taken her to Europe for their honeymoon. They had traveled all over the continent for four weeks with no real plan, no set destination and there was something about being lost with Jim on a completely different continent that made her wonder if that other part of her life had ever really existed. Together – they were lost in this world they had created for themselves – this place that no one else could touch.

It’s a funny thing about reality though… Pam looked up at a picture on their dresser. Jim had his arms wrapped around her and they were both smiling widely at the camera. She couldn’t even remember exactly when it had been taken. Sometime before…

Three months after they had gotten back from their honeymoon her dad had gotten sick. The doctors said –

It was fast. There really wasn’t anything to do but just wait for it to happen and sometimes (most times) the feel of Jim’s fingers against hers as she cried in some stark hospital waiting room wasn’t enough. How could it be enough? How can anything…?

The only thing she was able to think about at the funeral was that time he taught her to drive stick and how she had gotten frustrated and yelled at him and…

She doesn’t want to think these things. She doesn’t want to remember… remember… remember…

Jim had been laid off the next January and if it hadn’t been so – well, unfunny, it would have been almost funny. All those years at Dunder- Mifflin under that same threat and one day he walked into his office and “They appreciated his service for the company but…”

It had been two months before he was able to find another job – something low paying, starting level, degrading as all hell and she knew he hated it, knew that he hated the fact that they had had to move into a smaller apartment, knew that he hated that she had keep her receptionist job at the publication company and give up the free time she spent on art.

Not that everything was all bad. She couldn’t look back on those days and hate them and regret them. Yes, she missed her father so much that there were times she couldn’t breath and sometimes they had to eat cereal for dinner because there just wasn’t enough money and they were both working jobs they hated again. But in between fighting with the landlord over rent checks and searching the want ads and driving back to her childhood home and crying with her mom – and when she thinks about all that maybe it is too much – but they always found this way to curl up in bed together and laugh at themselves and true, they fought and bickered over things like who forgot to buy toilet paper and who left the refrigerator door open but they were always able to fall into each other… find each other.

His hand wrapped around hers and she closed her eyes. This moment wasn’t supposed to be like this. This moment wasn’t supposed to be about… everything that it was and she couldn’t help it, couldn’t help going back to that place, to those memories…

Jim wanted a girl. Pam wanted a boy. They talked about names and room colors and finally moving out of the city. On her birthday Jim had come home with a custom made baby tee-shirt that said, “Dunder-Mifflin this is…” and she had hit him with the box it came in until he laughed and cried for mercy.

At night his hands would find their way to her stomach and she would swat him away playfully and tell him it was too early to feel anything even though he swore that he could.

And then…

She could feel his hand warm and tight around hers and it was almost too tight but she didn’t say anything. He was thinking about the same thing – she could tell by the way his eyes were squeezed shut – by the way his breath was coming in short little gasps through his nose.

It was too much to think about and she wanted to remember that day at the beach and what he looked like in the rain or some time – any time in Europe when he had introduced her as his wife and they had grinned at each other like a couple of idiots. Anything but…

There was a crack in the ceiling above their bed. Just a small crack really that wormed its way down a couple of inches, splintering the white paint into little flakes.

She wondered why she had never noticed that before, wondered if there were any other cracks around the apartment that she hadn’t seen. Part of her wanted to get up and check, walk around and examine all the walls and corners. She would report it to the super. Maybe he would reduce their rent.

Her body felt so heavy though when she tried to move from the bed and it was odd – odd when she felt so empty, so…

Was there even a feeling to describe that?

The blinds were drawn and the room was getting darker. Not completely dark. There was just enough light that she could still see her surroundings. Dark enough that she couldn’t quite make out the pictures on the dresser. She figured that maybe that would be a good way to describe that feeling. This room. She felt like this room in the semi darkness.

There’s a song about that isn’t there?

The door opened and she almost expected the light from the other room to come spilling in but it was dark in there too and Jim shut the door again and it only got darker.

He sat on the edge of the bed with his elbows on his knees and his head bowed and she stared at his back.

“I umm…” His voice cracked and he had to stop and she thought that maybe the sound of his voice breaking could describe how she was feeling.

It was a moment before he continued, “I called my mom and your mom. They said… they’ll call everyone else.”

Pam nodded and let her eyes flutter shut. She thought about that scene in One-Hundred and One Dalmatians where all the dogs spread the message throughout the city about the missing puppies. She wanted to laugh because it was just so ridiculous to think about something like that.

“Fuck.”

The word hit her and everything inside tensed.

“Fuck… Pam… I don’t…”

She didn’t either… she didn’t…

He turned around then and stretched out next to her without quite touching and they watched the ceiling together.

“There’s a crack… I just noticed it…”

She pointed and let her hand drop down to the bed. She wondered if he even saw it because he was looking at her and there were tears sliding down his face.

“Yeah… I’ll talk to the super about that tomorrow.”

If she turned around a little she would see that the crack was still there. But she kept looking straight ahead and it wasn’t until Jim turned to look at her, his face changing, softening, that she realized that there were tears slipping silently down her cheeks.

And it wasn’t supposed to be like this. It wasn’t supposed to hurt so much and yeah, they had both decided a long time ago that it would never be perfect, it would never all just work out but – why did it have to hurt so much?

After she lost the baby she had retreated into a place inside, that place she had always existed in before – and maybe she just needed to for awhile and maybe he understood that because he didn’t try to reach her – at first.

Maybe their marriage could have fallen apart and maybe the whole idea of any kind of fairy tale could have been blown to bits. But that just – somehow she always knew they would get through it, that there was something more at the end that was worth it. Maybe.

Yes it hurt, yes it hurt so fucking bad that sometimes she couldn’t – sometimes he couldn’t see straight. Each day though the hurt was a little less, the pain was a little less and he kept trying to reach her until one day - the touch of his hand sometimes was enough.

They celebrated their second anniversary in their pajamas with Chinese takeout and three games of Scrabble – which she always tried to cheat at, much to his annoyance. And that – sometimes those little moments, those little imperfect moments told her that no matter what…

The timer rang and her eyes flew open. Jim looked at her and she shook her head furiously.

“I can’t…”

He nodded and gave her hand a squeeze before getting up and walking into the bathroom.

Life… oh God… life could be a bitch sometimes. Those happily-ever-afters, they’re so rare and so few between and maybe the real problem is that for so long she believed it was possible. She believed that all those dreams and imaginations and childhood games of pretend could be real.

But Jim wasn’t prince charming and this apartment wasn’t a castle and every happy, wonderful moment would eventually end and something else… anything else could happen and if the past three years had proven anything it was that…

He walked out of the bathroom with the little white stick in his hand and he was doing that thing where he was trying not to smile and he didn’t even have to say anything before she dropped her head into her hands and burst into tears.

“Hey… hey…”

His arms were around her and his lips were on her forehead and she couldn’t look at him. Absolutely could not look at him.

“I can’t… I can’t…”

“Shh.”

Her body was racked with sobs and she wondered briefly if she had even cried like this when... and she wasn’t even sure how long she cried, how long he held her in his arms and cried with her but when she finally looked back up at him the room was already beginning to get dark.

Jim wiped at the tears on cheeks and she tried to smile at him through swollen eyes, her face red and splotchy, her breath still coming in uneven little hiccups.

“You look beautiful.”

Pam rolled her eyes, “Oh shut up.”

He laughed and she wondered if maybe the sound of his laughter could describe the way she felt.

“I don’t know if I can do this again.”

“Yeah.” He looked down at her hands and whispered, “I think you can.”

“What if… I mean, I want… but…”

Jim nodded, “One day at a time. We take it one day at a time.”

She sighed, let the air fill her lungs, her body, let that little glimmer of excitement grow inside her again.

One day at a time. One day at a time.

March 14, 2012 3:13 am

He didn’t really dream anymore. There just didn’t seem to be any time anymore for something frivolous like dreaming.

Or sleep.

Wonderful, wonderful sleep.

When he was younger he had hated going to sleep. Hated the idea of missing out on that much… life. Not that anything ever really happened in the middle of the night but what if…? What if something important did happen in those late hours? What if there was something more important to be done? To be thought? To be planned?

Many nights had been spent staring at the ceiling and thinking, thinking, thinking… until he finally, unwillingly drifted off to sleep.

Now though, sleep was like a precious commodity, something he could only really dream about – but again, if only there was time to dream.

A sharp cry from the other room broke the quiet that night, and Jim groaned inwardly, forcing one eye open.

The alarm clock glared back at him in angry, red numbers.

3:13

It was ungodly.

The crying continued and continued and he knew he should get up, knew he should try to move from the comfort and softness of his pillows and blankets but his head was pounding and his body ached and – wasn’t it only a few minutes ago that he had finally fallen asleep? Wasn’t it only a few minutes ago that he had fallen into bed and let the golden bliss of sleep over take his body?

His eyes squeezed shut again when he felt Pam stirring, felt her turn around, felt the look of death she was giving him. But he just continued breathing steadily – in and out – in and out – keeping his eyes firmly closed.

She finally sighed heavily, muttered something under her breath and slipped out of bed.

The door opened in the next room and he could hear her talking in soft whispers until the crying quieted.

Jim rolled over onto his back and stared at the ceiling.

Jackass.

Yes, he felt guilty and yes, he had always promised himself he wouldn’t be that guy that pretended to be asleep while his wife stayed up all night with the baby. But dammit, he was tired. He was completely and utterly worn out and exhausted and he wasn’t even sure he had the energy to even make it to the next room.

It wasn’t a good excuse. Okay, it wasn’t much of an excuse at all because he knew that she was tired too and he could see it under her eyes when he came home at night and she put the baby into his arms and wandered off to the bedroom so she could get an hour of sleep before dinner.

He could see it when she fell asleep at her drawing board (whenever she actually got a chance to draw), when she fell asleep at the breakfast table, when she fell asleep against his arm in the elevator on the way down to the lobby of their apartment building.

They were both completely tired and yes, he was a jackass for pretending to be asleep.

He threw his legs over the side of the bed and somehow managed to pull himself up and shuffle toward the door, yawning widely and scratching his head.

It had been just a little less than a year ago that they had been sitting and waiting, waiting, waiting to see if there was a pink line or a blue line on a little white stick.

He really hadn’t known then what he was waiting for, what he was hoping for because after the first time…

And they don’t really talk about the first time much. The first time when she had come bounding out of the bathroom and thrown herself at him and told him that he was going to be a daddy. The first time when he went out and bought a little yellow stuffed elephant that’s still sitting on the top shelf of his closet. The first time when he got that phone call at work and -

No. They don’t talk about that much. And it wasn’t until the second time – until she sobbed in his arms on the bedroom floor that he had really realized how much she had lost. How much she had gone through and that maybe he couldn’t completely understand.

She had been scared. Scared the first time they went to the doctor’s office to confirm the pregnancy. Scared the second time and third… and the fear didn’t really stop.

They waited to tell people until she was further along, after the first ultrasound, after the doctor said that magical little word: “healthy.” At that point Pam was already starting to outgrow most of her clothes and she had never been so beautiful to him before.

At night she would stand in front of the dresser mirror and pull up her shirt and just look at her reflection and they would talk about things like baby names and nursery colors. Somewhere along the way it started to feel safe again. It started to feel real again.

Especially when morning sickness kicked in and she spent the better part of her day feel nauseous.

Especially after the first time she had really yelled at him for no apparent reason and had begun crying and laughing and hiccupping all at the same time and all he could do was stare at her in amazement.

Especially when those hormones translated to something else and she had touched his thigh in the car and whispered something in his ear so entirely – unmentionable – that he had almost run off the road into a tree.

Those were the moments that made it real.

When she was sixth months pregnant he got a new job – at a paper supply company in Stamford, Conneticut. He would be working for a direct competitor of Dunder-Mifflin and the irony of the situation sent them both into bouts of laughter when he told her about it over dinner.

The move took them out of the city, which they both wanted and Pam was able to quit her job and begin working out of the house, illustrating for a children’s book series that had finally been bought by a publisher.

They were still in an apartment but he put flowers out on the small balcony and told her that one day it would be more.

She told him it was enough.

He stepped into the apartment and shut the door behind him with his foot as he flipped through the mail and shrugged out of his jacket.

“Hey, Pam? You here?”

“In the bedroom.”

Jim dropped his keys on the hall table, kicked his shoes off in the living room and loosened his tie as he walked toward the back of the apartment.

“What’d you think about - ?” He stopped short and laughed, “What are you doing?”

Pam, clad only in a bra and underwear, was lying on the bedroom floor directly in front the air conditioner. Her hair, curlier with the pregnancy, was blowing wildly around her face and she looked up at him with a weary expression.

“It’s fucking hot in here.”

Jim leaned against the door frame and watched his wife in amusement.

“You know, that kind of language probably isn’t good for the baby.”

“What do you know?” She propped herself up on her elbows and wiped a piece of hair from her face, “Are you the pregnant one? Are you the one growing a human person inside your uterus? Are you the one with the back cramps and the swollen ankles? Hmmm? Cause when you are, then you can tell me to watch my fucking language all you want. Okay?” She dropped her head back to the ground and groaned.

“Okay, okay. You win. But, only until that day when I finally do get pregnant.”

Pam scowled, “I hate you.”

“Yes. I know.” He slid down to the floor next to her and settled her feet in his lap. “Long day?”

“Mmmhmmm.” She groaned again when he began working his fingers over her ankle and calf. “The garbage disposal started spewing some kind of weird black liquid this afternoon.”

“Did you tell the landlord?”

A smile worked at her lips and she opened one eye to gaze at him sheepishly, “Yeah.”

“You freaked him out again, didn’t you?”

“Maybe a little. He doesn’t seem to like me very much.”

Jim laughed, “I’ll go talk to him later.”

“K…”

His hands continued to move over her feet, pressing his fingers into all the tender spots. She watched his face until he looked down at her, met her gaze, smiled. Their eyes locked and they were silent for a moment until Pam bit her lip and moved her hand down to her swollen stomach.

“Hannah.”

“Huh?”

“Hannah. I like the name Hannah.”

Jim ran the name over in his mind and then nodded, “Hannah. I like it. Of course it’s not -.”

She slapped at his arm and rolled her eyes, “For the last time, we are not naming our daughter Dwight.”

Enough.

Maybe it would be enough for her to never quite reach that dream. But not for him – he still thought about that documentary footage that had been shot all those years ago. The way she had looked at the camera and talked like those dreams meant nothing, the way her face had crumbled, the way everything had come so close to never happening. And he was never going to just let her give up on all that.

Enough was not enough. Not for her. Not for them.

And that was what he wanted. That was what he wanted to do with his life.

When he was six, his teacher, Mrs. Gibson, has asked each student what they wanted to do when they grew up. Being that they were in second grade and had already figured out everything they wanted out of life each boy and girl had stood up in front of the class with an air of decisiveness and determination and answered. A teacher. A doctor. A lawyer. A policeman.

When it was Jim’s turn he had stood in front of the classroom, his hands in his pockets, a wide smile on his face and said, “When I grow up, I want to be a northeastern Pennsylvania-based mid-sized paper company regional salesman.”

Alright. Not really.

What six year old even considers a life in paper or computer software or any other meaningless product that needs to be processed, sold or bought?

He can’t even really remember what he answered that day in front of the class. He wonders what those other kids are doing now. He wonders how many of them became teachers or doctors or lawyers or policemen. How many of them became receptionists or human resources personnel or northeastern Pennsylvania-based mid-sized paper company regional salesman. He wonders how many of them actually remember what they used to want out of life.

Not that there’s anything wrong with forgetting. It’s just something that happens. Something gradual over time that wears away at the most fundamental wishes of a child. He just forgot.

For so long he had been afraid that paper – selling paper would be his life. Selling something would be his life and he was determined to not let that happen. To try and grasp onto anything else that came his direction.

It had been a long time though since he had thought about that fleeting idea of becoming a teacher. And it had never really been a dream. Just something to strive for – something better to reach toward. He didn’t really need it anymore.

Because his life wasn’t paper and it wasn’t selling something and it had absolutely nothing to do with his chosen career.

It was them.

He had woken up to the sound of a crashing noise. It was four o’clock in the morning and her side of the bed was empty. A faint light showed through the crack in the door and he wandered toward the living room in confusion.

“Pam?”

She was sitting cross- legged in front of the hall closet surrounded by boxes and odds and ends and an enormous pile of socks that had lost their match.

“Hey.” Her voice was all too cheerful and she grinned up at him and held up an undistinguishable black object for him to look at. “Do you know what this is? God, half this stuff, I don’t even know what it is.” She bit her lip and looked at the pile of junk with a shake of her head.

Jim gave her a blank stare, blinking rapidly to clear the fog in his head. “What are you doing?”

“Cleaning. I suddenly realized that we’ve never cleaned this closet. We just keep adding to it and…”

“It’s four-o’clock in the morning.”

“I couldn’t sleep.”

He shook his head at her and turned back toward the bedroom, “Pregnant women are crazy.”

Pam threw the unnamed black object back into a bag and looked up at him with her hands on her hips, “Hey, if it’s not too crazy of me ask-” She paused and gave him a dirty look, “You think you’ll be able to drag yourself out of bed in a few hours to drive me to the hospital?”

He spun around, his heart suddenly racing, “What? What’s wrong?”

She waved her hands at him and sighed, “Nothing. Everything’s fine. I was just thinking that I’d rather not have the baby right here in the middle of the hallway.”

Jim’s mouth dropped open, “Now? Right now? Why didn’t you tell me? You should have woken me up. We’ve got to go to the hospital and call your mom and…”

Pam snorted and began rummaging through another box, “Chill out. I’ve got time. Go back to sleep. I’ll let you know when I have to go.”

“Sleep? You want to me sleep?”

She raised an eyebrow, “Are you going to be like this the whole time?”

“I don’t know Pam. Are you going to be this calm?”

“Most likely not. In a few hours I’ll probably hate you and wish that we had never met. You should enjoy this while you can. In fact, this is probably going to be the last peaceful moment we’ll have for awhile.”

Jim stared at her for a moment, a slow smile spreading across his face, “Pam…”

She smiled up at him, “Yeah… I know. Now-” She pushed the pile of socks toward him, “Why don’t you sort through these. There’s got to be at least one pair of socks in there.”

Seventeen hours and twenty-seven minutes and – thank God for epidurals.

Hannah Kathleen Halpert was finally born on December 18, 2011, weighing in at 7lbs, 6oz. She had her father’s eyes and her mother’s smile and Jim had fallen in love with her the moment she wrapped her tiny hand around his finger.

And they were his life. Pam and Hannah. Loving them was all he wanted, needed to do with his life.

Enough.

The light was dimmed in the nursery, shedding a soft yellow glow over the rocking chair where Pam sat with Hannah nestled against her chest.

Whatever his life was before…

She looked up at him with heavy eyes and sighed, “Guilty conscious got the better of you huh?”

He shrugged, “I was up anyway, thought I might be of some assistance.”

“How noble of you.”

Jim gently lifted Hannah out of Pam’s arms. “I do my best.”

“Hmm, leave it to a man to come in at the easy part.”

He smiled as he settled his daughter back into the crib, resting his palm on her tiny stomach when she stirred a little in her sleep. The gentle weight of his hand calmed her and he could feel her steady heartbeat against his fingertips.

“It wasn’t that bad tonight. She actually went back to sleep pretty quickly.”

“That’s good news.”

“Tell me about it.” Pam yawned and rested her head back against the chair, “I’m starting to think she’ll never sleep through the night.

Jim turned around at the slight desperation in her voice, “It’ll happen.” He offered his hand and pulled her out of the rocking chair, kissing her forehead when she stood next to him. “It’ll happen.”

He felt the way she shifted against him, pulled him closer as she wrapped her arms around him, moved her hands up his back between his shoulder blades. It still amazed him, the way she fit against him as he cupped the back of her neck and kissed her forehead again.

She murmured something against his chest and he glanced down as she sank deeper into him.

“Are you falling asleep on me?”

“Uh-huh.”

Jim laughed quietly, “Come on. Let’s go to bed.”

“Bed? What’s that? I’ve forgotten.”

“Smart ass.”

Pam placed a kiss on Hannah’s forehead and followed Jim out of the room, smacking him on the arm as he shut the door quietly.

“I told you to watch the language around her.”

She walked ahead of him into the bedroom and he shook his head at her with an amused smile.

“You’re full of contradictions. You know that?”

“Suck it Halpert.”

They collapsed back into bed together, Pam curling up next to him and settling her head on his pillow.

“Hey.”

“Hmm.”

“Ten years.”

He opened his eyes and smiled at her, “Ten years.”

Pam ran her fingers across his jaw line and up into his hair, “Do you remember what you were doing exactly ten years ago?”

“Sleeping most likely.”

“Sleeping. Huh. What’s that like?”

His eyes began to flutter shut and he yawned widely, “Hard to say.”

It was quiet again before he forced his eyes open to look at her, “Ten years is a long time.”

“Sick of me already?”

“Completely.”

“Good to know.” Her eyes closed and it only took a moment before she was breathing steadily, her face buried in his pillow, her hand pressed against his chest.

Ten years.

Jim brushed a kiss over the tip over her nose, settled his hand on her hip and finally fell back to sleep.

Enough.

How do we survive all this? All this life? The pain, the heartache? The chances we take that lead to bottomless nothingness? It’s simple. We give ourselves up to it. We give ourselves up to the pain, the hurt, the failure. We throw ourselves into the world with wild abandon. Loving and laughing. Oh God, yes laughing. Because sometimes that’s the only thing we can do. Sometimes it’s the only thing left. How will this moment count? Take it. Live it. Love. Leap. Know that it doesn’t matter if we ever land. The point is to find someone’s hand to hold on the way down. 

 No story ever really ends. As long as it has a beginning.