I posted this yesterday, as a 55-word oneshot, (Don't Let Jim Halpert Near the Fruity and Delicious Drinks) but was surprised by the fact that people really seemed to like it. So in typical Hollywood fashion, I've decided to expand it a little/make some sequels.
1. Jim by dundiefromgod
2. Angela by dundiefromgod
3. Phyllis by dundiefromgod
4. Michael by dundiefromgod
5. Andy by dundiefromgod
6. Dwight by dundiefromgod
7. Creed by dundiefromgod
8. Stanley by dundiefromgod
9. Toby I by dundiefromgod
10. Toby II by dundiefromgod
11. Karen by dundiefromgod
12. Jim II by dundiefromgod
13. Jan by dundiefromgod
14. Kevin by dundiefromgod
15. Michael II by dundiefromgod
16. Darryl by dundiefromgod
17. Roy by dundiefromgod
18. Dwight II and Andy II by dundiefromgod
19. Kelly by dundiefromgod
20. Ryan by dundiefromgod
21. Meredith by dundiefromgod
22. Dwight III by dundiefromgod
23. Pam by dundiefromgod
24. Todd Packer by dundiefromgod
25. Angela II by dundiefromgod
26. Kelly II by dundiefromgod
27. Pam II by dundiefromgod
28. Karen II by dundiefromgod
29. Jan II by dundiefromgod
30. Craig from Albany by dundiefromgod
31. Roy II by dundiefromgod
32. Oscar by dundiefromgod
33. Madge by dundiefromgod
34. Pam III by dundiefromgod
35. Phyllis II by dundiefromgod
36. Kevin II by dundiefromgod
37. Andy III by dundiefromgod
38. Jim III by dundiefromgod
39. Michael III by dundiefromgod
40. Angela III by dundiefromgod
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Jim leaned over her desk, drink in hand, and looked for cameras.
There were none.
“How much have you had?” She questioned.
“Enough so that I want to rip that cardigan off you.” He replied huskily.
Her eyes widened.
“Not so much that I can’t finish what I started.”
Pam smirked. "Your mic is on."
:Oh Future Jim:
Angela’s punch tasted funny, but she didn’t care. He was here.
“How’s Accounting?” He asked.
She rubbed her neck as she took him in.
Dimples.
Legs.
Upper Legs.
Big. Strong.
“Roy?”
He looked at Pam, “well….seeya Angela.”
She nodded.
She was getting cookie from Dwight tonight, whether he wanted to or not.
She was hungry.
A little creepy? Yes. Hopefully a little funny too, though.
“You’re on my list.” She sipped her margarita.
Jim looked up. “What Phyllis?”
“Nothing……I hear we’re going to the beach.”
“Oh?”
“You going to swim?”
“In May?”
“Maybe in a Speedo?”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
She sipped again. “Karen told me she likes your sleeves rolled up.”
“Okay….” He complied.
That would get her through the day.
More drunkenness to come. I'm looking at you Pam Beesly.
He took a gulp of his Sex On The Beach.
“Are you absolutely sure?”
“Yes, Michael.”
“It’s just—I know people change.”
‘I’m not.”
“Like Jan! Ever since Carol and I….”
“Please don’t.”
“Started physical love-making….”
“Stop.”
“She’s always mad. Maybe she’s a lesbian.”
“I’m not gay.”
“You sure Ryan? Hotness is universal.”
"I'm leaving."
“Andy, what is that?”
He holds a draft and shot. “Screaming Orgasm.”
“I thought that had Baileys?”
“Not my kind.”
“Oh?”
“Nope. Mine has Jägermeister…..and India Pale Ale.”
Kelly watches as he drops the shot into the IPA, and chugs thirstily.
“Can I have one?” She asks tentatively.
He smiles.
"You can have multiple ones."
A Screaming Orgasm is, as many of you probably know, a real drink. Though IPA and Jager is the Kandy-version.
Just when you thought it couldn't get any creepier...it gets way creepier.
“Just do it already, D.”
“I’m trying to—” Damn that Goldschlager.
Angela sighed. “Fine, if you have to….pretend I’m Starbuck.”
“That’s not—
“Please Commander Adama, New Caprica is in trouble.” She cooed gently.
“I don’t think—
“You are Isildur's heir….”
“That’s LOTR.”
Slap! His cheek suddenly stings.
“Focus!” She hissed.
He smiled.
“Possum!”
"Monkey!"
My inspiration for this one:
"Excuse me. Goldschlager, extra flakes."-Dwight K. Schrute, "The Dundies."
"Also, on a personal note, I'm not at my best when I drink."-Dwight K. Schrute, "The Christmas Party."
"Ew, ew, ew....maybe?"-Pam Beesly, "E-Mail Surveillance."
“Creed, I require your assistance.”
He spooned his pea and vodka soup.
What was that sound? A squirrel? Didgeridoo?
“Creed!”
He looked up. It was Scharutey.
“Jim is a menace—
He understood, and stood up.
“In ’63 I killed a Hippopotamus with a blowgun.”
“Why aren’t you wearing pants?”
He was confused.
"Because it's Tuesday."
I admit, Drunk!Creed is not all that different from just Creed.
“Stanley, I heard Ryan saying something about Melissa.” Kelly whispered.
“What?”
“Like, about when cherries are ripe….”
He sat down his sangria. Where was he?
“Ryan?!” He bellowed.
They made eye contact.
“Oh God no.”
“She’s sixteen!”
“No Stanley. Kelly—
“You’re gonna have to wheelchair yourself to Corporate after I’m done.”
“I—
"Don't run boy!"
A taste of Season 4 Kelly?
Also, if you've watched the UK office, then you know the rest of what Kelly was going to say.
Toby sipped his Gran Patrón and stared at the phone.
He was going to do it.
He was going to call her.
Why shouldn’t he?
She was beautiful, friendly, kind….
And he was a good guy. Just….
Older.
Balder.
Uglier.
The call connected.
"Peridot Escort Services.”
He sighed.
"I need a date for a wedding."
:TobyNo!:
You may be wondering if Toby would really drink such good/expensive tequila (or maybe not)...but remember...he does have those alimony checks.
To avoid smiling, he sipped his Sapphire & Tonic.
“No, Toby. That is ridiculous!”
As HR Rep. he shouldn’t, but the idea was too good.
“I’m sorry Michael, but it’s Corporate mandated.”
“Bi-linguality?!”
“Yes.”
“Like Spanish?”
“Different branches got different languages.”
“What’s ours?”
“Norwegian.”
“Nor—dammit!” Michael stormed away.
“Awesome Toby.”
He and Jim high-fived.
A happy 55 words for Toby!
My theory is that Toby got moved to the annex not just for talking too much with Jim, but for being his pre-Pam, prank partner.
Karen stumbled back to the table, martini in hand, and sat down opposite of them.
The jukebox started.
Evanescence’s “My Immortal” blared throughout Coopers.
Jim looked at her.
Alanis’ “You Oughta Know” followed.
Pam looked at her.
She stared back.
Orgy’s “Blue Monday” began.
They left.
“OmigodKaren!Thatwassointense!SeriouslyIwishRyanwashere!” Kelly squealed.
She sighed.
Three dollars well spent.
I'm not tremendously into songfic or anything, but I liked this idea for Karen.
If you're unfamiliar with the songs and wonder why it would be awkward to sit across from your ex-girlfriend/your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend and listen to them, check out the lyrics.
"My Immortal": http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/evanescence/myimmortal.html
"You Oughta Know": http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/alanismorissette/yououghtaknow.html
"Blue Monday": http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/orgy/bluemonday.html
Yup, pretty awkward.
Jim tumbled into bed.
“Ow!”
Pam looked over. “Box wine? Really?”
“Once it hits your lips, its so good!” He sing-sung.
She rolled her eyes.
“Hey….” His finger trailed her jawline.
“What?”
“I want something from you.” He growled.
“Oh?” She purred.
“Yeah…” He rolled over.
“Be the big spoon?”
She held him and smiled.
I think the world needed balancing after the last chapter. Don't you?
She had another Long Island, and sunned herself.
He wasn’t so bad.
A little careful.
A little quick.
A little Labradoodle-ish without his shirt on.
But….
He cared.
He listened.
He held her.
She wanted to tell him that, but it always came out as….
“Again, Michael.”
“Jan, I-I’m tired.”
"Fine I'll be on top."
Such is the train-wreck/tragedy that is Jan Levinson.
“Kev?”
“Yeah Jim?”
“How much you had, buddy?”
“Ummmmm….some.”
“Yeah…I don’t think this will work.”
“No, it’s gonna be awesome.”
He poured the M&Ms and Baileys into the blender, and started it.
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
“The cover!” Jim yelled, a second too late.
It exploded everywhere.
Andy walked in.
"Whoa! Augustus-Tuna, you fall in the chocolate river?"
:Poor Tuna:
“Pam!!”
“Michael?”
“Jim?”
“Yeah?”
“Wha-Oh….nice! No! Put Pam on!”
“Michael?”
“Pam! Finally!”
“Where are you?”
“I locked myself in the bathroom.”
“Why?”
“Jan! I think she slipped Viagra into my wine.”
“Wow.”
“And….I need your receptionist skills.”
“…………………….okay?”
“Wiki T-Square.”
“What is that?”
“I dunno, but Jan wants it.”
“I’m-No.”
“Pam!”
Knock!Knock!
“Ohgod. Gotta go!”
“Man, tell her to step off.”
“Yeah, step off.”
“Or check yourself before you wreck yourself.”
“Mmmm…check yo’self b’fo you wreck yo’self. Got it.”
Darryl finished his beer, and looked over at Michael.
“Any other black man phrases? She’s super-jealous of Carol.”
He smiled. It was too easy.
“Yeah….try homey don’t play that.”
Michael nodded.
:Zoppity:
“Hey Halpert.”
“Roy.”
He drank his beer. “Lame party.”
“Yeah.”
“You still seeing purse girl?”
“Katy?”
“Yeah. She was hot.”
“Yeah…off and on.”
“Hot and cold, huh? Know how that is…
“Oh?”
“Yeah. Pam’s a firecracker some days…cold fish the next…. ”
“I-I’m…”
“After that basketball game, I had to fake it.”
“Is there more beer?”
I think we all know what was really going on after that basketball game....
Some notes before this one.
Dwight and Andy are playing a video game called Guitar Hero II. A lot of you are probably familiar with it. If you aren't, basically you are given a mini-guitar and you have to strum and push different colored buttons in accordance to the rhythm of the song which you are playing. Also, a Gibson is a type of guitar which you can select your character to use. So, that is what they're talking about in the beginning.
Also, because this is two members of Dunder-Mifflin being drunk, the chapter is 110 words long. Is that cheating?....Yeah, kinda, but I needed all 110. Also, imagine that this is in a future where Andy and Dwight have turned back against each other.
Lastly, I have over 100 reviews for this story. Um, wow!...did not expect that. So thanks to all of those who have read/reviewed.
“Gibson?…..you would.” Dwight hissed.
“I did.” Andy retorted.
“Song?”
“Sweet Child O’ Mine. Difficulty Hard.”
“I do that in my sleep.”
“Yeah…..well…..you’re awake now.”
Behind them, Angela and Kelly glared at each other.
The song started, and both men shifted into a power-stance.
“She’s got a smile….” Andy sang.
“No singing allowed. Distraction!”
“Can too!”
“Cannot!”
A pause fell as both men re-focused on the game.
“Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place…” Andy winked at Kelly.
She squealed in response.
“No singing!” Dwight tried to push Andy, but stumbled, and tripped over the Fosters cans around him. He landed with a metallic crash.
“Sweet chi-il-il-il-il-ild of mi-in-in-in-e”
“Add the tequila….”
“Kelly, I don’t really drink.” Pam squirmed uncomfortably.
“Margarita Madness!!”
“Yeah, but-”
“God if I were you, I’d drink all the time.”
“Wha-”
“I mean, Karen is totally hot and with Jim….”
“I’m not. Jim and I-”
“Oh! Get drunk and make out with him! Guilt-free.”
“I’d never-”
“The Dundies?”
Pam blushed.
Kelly is full of good advice about drinking.
"There's no way it's fine. I'm sorry. If I was you, I would just like freak out and get really drunk and then tell someone I was pregnant." -Phyllis' Wedding
His mind swum with…….
Lust.
Alcohol.
And fear.
“Ryan, what took you so long!?”
Oh god.
He could still taste her strawberry lip-gloss.
“Um….”
“That was so magical….”
Oh god.
“And on February 13th! It’s totally fate.”
Oh god.
Kelly leaned in again, eyes half closed.
He flagged down the bartender.
“Another beer?”
“No. Shots.”
From "Valentine's Day"
Kelly: And it was so funny 'cause we were at this bar with his friends and I was sitting next to him the whole night and he wasn't making a move, so in my head I was like "Ryan, what's taking you so long?" And then he kissed me. And I didn't know what to say.
Jim: Wow.
Kelly: So I said, "Ryan, what took you so long?" And I just said that to him, can you believe that?
:Poor Kelly.....but at least she'll have a sweet rebound with Andy:
“Whh-at are you doing Meredith?”
She finished another Greyhound, and licked her lips.
“Admiring the view Jim.”
“Uh….”
“You know, if you want a real woman, with experience…”
“Um…”
“Who knows things.”
“Yeah….Pam…”
“Pam doesn’t need to know….”
“I’m gonna—
“Let’s just say I can suck a bowling ball through a garden hose.”
“Wow. Okay….”
This chapter was partially inspired by the reactions I read in the thousand and twenty comments left in the Treehouse thread in the MTT forum, two minutes after the new Office promo aired. (I'm just kidding....sort of.)
This one is a little different. Contrary to my description for this series, it doesn't actually involve drunkeness. Simply, someone consuming alcohol. Either way, I hope you like it.
Dwight grabbed his Coke from the refrigerator, and gulped it thirstily.
Seconds later, he spewed it all over the carpet.
Jim sat down for his talking head.
“Did I do something to Dwight’s Coke? What….like, pinpricking the bottom of the can…draining the Coke out….and filling it with Bacardi 151?”
“Because no, I wouldn’t do that.”
The 151 in the 'Bacardi 151' is its proof number. Which means its around 75% alcohol. So....strong stuff....especially when you're expecting Coke.
It took 23 chapters, but in honor of tomorrow's premiere, here is the first Pam chapter. As is obvious by my penname, I love Drunk!Pam, she's the best character on the show. Ever.
“Oh Pam…..the Charlie Brown dance?” He laughed.
She titled her head side-to-side, arms straight down, hair whipping around.
“This is going out to the best boyfriend ever! Jimmy-Jim-James Halpert! Whoo-oo!”
"On the floor of Tokyo-yo-yo...."
Jim smiled and climbed onstage.
“I’m dancing with myself….” she continued.
He kissed her quickly and whispered,
“never again, Pam.”
The song Pam is karaoke-ing, is "Dancing With Myself" by Billy Idol. Youtube it, and then crank it to 11.
Also, this story has over 125 reviews, and 20,000 reads....so...wow, and thank you to everyone who reads and reviews. I really appreciate it.
”Queer-bait! My car!”
Dunder-Mifflin employees congregated around the scene.
Jim didn’t answer.
Packer threw his beer can.
“Is this because I said you take the carpool lane on the Hershey Highway?”
“I didn’t do this.”
“Someone scratched ‘tiny penis’ on my car!”
Jim wrapped his arm around a smiling Pam, and kissed her temple.
I figure, if Pam can click on celebrity sex video offers at work....she can probably take care of Packer. I look forward to a possible Season 4 confrontation.
This chapter/55 words was pretty much begging to be written after the premiere. Also, it should be noted that I borrow/steal the phrase "gentleman-lover" from Anchorman. Who knew Angela was a fan?
Spoilers for "Fun Run."
“Thanks for bringing the…fruit juice, Pam.”
“Sure Angela…I’m sorry about Sprinkles….and….Dwight.”
“Do you think he was jealous of her?”
“Why?”
“Because she was my best friend, and he is my gentleman-lover.”
“Umm…”
“But…. he knows only hussies have male best friends.”
“Jim—
“And I’m not a hussy!”
She sighed.
“I’m never eating French fries again.”
Dare I say that Angela is trapped in a glass case of emotion? I dare.
Minor spoilers for "Launch Party"
“Pam, what date did you have sex with Jim?”
Kelly drained her Appletini.
“Wow….I—
“ If you like someone….it doesn’t make you a slut to not wait…right?”
“Um…”
“Never on the first date…obviously…you lose the power….”
“Right…”
“But second date?”
“With whom?”
“Darryl”
“When was the first date?”
“Um…he brought me up paper yesterday…. remember?”
It's good to be back. Thanks for reading!
“Stupid submarine!” Pam threw the piece at Jim.
“Whoa! It’s already sunk, don’t throw it too.”
“I wanted to play Boggle! Why can’t we play that?!”
“I can’t get you drunk and naked playing that.”
“You don’t need Battleship for that.” She growled and then winked.
He rolled his eyes. “Yeah…quit stalling. Shot or bra?”
Karen sat alone in her apartment, and tried to forget all over again with a Long Island Iced Tea.
Vodka for his smile.
Gin for his eyes.
Tequila for the way he used to touch her.
Rum for that bitch Pam.
And no ice for the broken industrial copier she’d have to deal with tomorrow.
Jan sat down her third scotch when she heard the door open.
"Michael?"
"Yeah."
"Hey."
He stopped when he saw the table.
"I made your favorites. Smiley fries, chimichangas, and ramen noodles. I got chocolate pudding for dessert too."
He walked over and hugged her tightly.
"They're not, but thank you anyway."
I'm not sure how others felt about it, but I liked the Jan/Michael discussion at the end of "Money." So this was a little moment of a less crazy and more supportive Jan. Also, eating thrifty is no fun (I should know.)
Somebody had to get to the bottom of what happened to Craiggers.
Craig lined up the empty whisky-wetted shot glasses on his desk, and looked at the clock.
10:34
Eh…almost noon.
He stumbled out of his office.
“Attention ladies of Albany!…The Craig-Train is now boarding.”
He hiccupped. “Though there is a cup requirement....to ride.”
“What’s this?!”
Craig turned. “Who are you?”
“Your boss, Ryan Howard.”
“Hmmm….no dudes allowed.”
If you're wondering who Craig is, he was introduced as the Branch Manager of the Albany branch in the Season 2 episode, "Valentine's Day". However, in "Survivor Man" Toby mentions that another guy is running it. So this is my guess at what happened to the guy who had been kicked out of every strip-club in Albany.
Takes place sometime during Season 2.
“I dunno, Roy.”
He finished his beer.
He was going to get her to do it tonight.
“C’mon Pammy. The magazine said it spices things up.”
“Yeah…but role-playing?”
“It’ll be fun. You be a cheerleader.”
Pam winced.
“And I’ll be a…”
“Businessman…who wears a suit and tie?” Pam interrupted nervously.
“Alright.”
She smiled.
“Sounds fun.”
:Every night is role-playing night for Season 2 Pam:
“Hey…can I buy you a drink?”
“Oh…okay…sure.”
He sat his sixth Mojito and self down next to her at the bar.
“I’m Oscar.”
“Tiffany.”
“Oh, like the singer?”
“Who?”
“Um…nobody.”
He tried to blink her into focus. “So….I like….your hair.”
“Really? It’s so frizzy and I tried newproductbutit’ssohumiditdoesn’tworkandI….”
He sighed and sipped.
Guys were easier.
"I think I might try girls for a while. Angela thinks I can cross over. We'll see." -Oscar, "Beach Games."
Madge awoke on her Indonesian Day Bed, and looked at the clock.
7:58
Her mind still swum with last night’s glasses of Château Margaux, and her copy of The Guermantes Way lay open on her chest.
Strauss’ “The Blue Danube” floated melodiously through the room.
As she buttoned her work-shirt she muttered to herself,
“Philistines.”
“Jim! I love you sooooooooooooooooo much.”
“I love you too Pam.”
She slurped her margarita.
“Nononono! You don’t even know….” Her hands waved wildly.
“You and I? It’s like God is saying, ‘Hey….Pam, here’s the perfect guy for you’ and I’m like…..
Jim waited as she sipped.
…Oh….okay….thanks God.”
“Wow. That was…. poetic?”
Pam nodded wide-eyed.
:I love everything Drunk!Pam chooses to be:
It had been so long.
Too long.
It was one of the reasons she started taking Prozac…and why tonight she chased it with Don Julio.
She angled her head to expose more of her neck to him, as he trailed soft kisses down to her clavicle.
She wanted something simple…uncomplicated.
“Just tonight.”
“10-4 Phylly-mama.”
“Mmmm…..Creed.”
I'm like 92% sure this happened. Here's my evidence:
"All relationships? Eh, even a one-night stand?"-Phyllis, "Sexual Harassment"
In "Health Care" you can see her looking at pill cases and on her form (if I remember correctly) she has depression circled.
Both Phyllis and Creed are the longest tenured employees at the Branch (again, if I remember correctly).
Creed would do it, and not remember, and Phyllis wouldn't say anything.
I rest my case.
“Ohmygod! Kevin!”
He turned his head.
“Whhhhhaaaaa……heeeeeyyyyy Angela.”
“Were you….peeing in that potted plant?!”
He looked back down and saw a beer in one hand, and himself in the other.
“Mmmm….I dunno.”
“We work here! Wha-I’m getting D—I mean….I’m getting Toby!”
He zipped up quickly.
He had to leave before she saw the photocopies.
:In Kev's defense, at least he didn't try to pee in the can and cut a chunk out of his penis. Good thinking, there:
“My-my-my-my-my-my-my-my-my Angela-ona!”
After rocking karaoke, Andy moonwalked sensually over to her.
“Whaddya think?”
“It was horrible.”
“In a good way?”
“No.”
"Like so uncool……it’s totally cool way?"
“No….please drive me home.”
He showed her his Nagasake and shrugged.
“Angie-bear, did you try Twisted Tea?”
“Is it alcoholic?”
“Um…..no?”
“Fine then.”
He smiled.
Next stop?…..second base.
:And thus, Angela became fun for everyone:
I give you Drunk!Holiday!BadJudgement!Jim.
Pam laid in bed alone….tipsy with holiday cheer…
THUD!
At the sound, she rushed to the door.
He was collapsed on the hallway-floor, in boxers, spread-eagled.
“Quick, get in here before….”
But it was too late.
“Wha-What’s…Oh….Oh my!”
Mrs. Beesly stood at the end of the hall, wide-eyed.
He looked up. “I-I fell, Pam.”
“I know Jim.”
:Poor Jim, he loses his balance a lot when he drinks:
I know that the 55-word story has kind of come and gone here on MTT, but I hope there is still enough interest for people to read and possibly enjoy the continuing drunken adventures of the employees of Dunder-Mifflin. Thanks for reading!
Chapter takes place after "Dinner Party"
“Pam?”
“Um…yeah?”
Michael sipped his Nutrisweeted Chocolatini.
“What do you like in a man?”
“We’re not…”
“No! Not…not us, I wouldn’t do that to Jim.”
Pam looked at the camera.
“I mean…in generality what do women like?”
“Um….it depends on the woman.”
“What about the kind that will let me put babies in them?”
“Oh.”
:littlekidlover, indeed:
This is the fortieth chapter for this story, and thanks so much to everyone for their support (reading/reviewing)
Angela woke up hazy-minded.
She’d felt that way since the party last night.
Her iced tea had tasted funny…..but Meredith said it was from Long Island.
No wonder….it was flavored with sin.
Her eyes opened to find a chest attached to her cheek.
Oh God. Had Andy been in her Holy of Holies?
“Morning, Monkey.”
:Angela....the office mattress?: