From the Diary of Pam Beesly

I've decided to start keeping a journal. I've been feeling really bored and unsatisfied with my life lately and I remembered my counselor in high school telling us that we should write down our feelings to help us work things out. I figure it can't hurt. Maybe by writing things down, I'll be able to read stuff through and realize that my life isn't as dull and pointless as I sometimes feel it is.

So...I'm not really sure where to start. My name is Pam Beesly. I am a receptionist at a paper company called Dunder Mifflin. I am engaged to my high school sweetheart Roy Anderson who works in the warehouse at Dunder Mifflin. We've been engaged for almost three years now. Um...some of the people I work with are a little strange. My boss, Michael Scott, is incompetent. He's really not a good manager and he's more concerned with making everybody like him than us actually getting our work done. One of the salesmen, Dwight Schrute...well, there are not words descriptive enough to give a clear picture of who he is. You have to see it to believe it.

There is one person though, who makes life at Dunder Mifflin bearable. Jim Halpert. He's a salesman. He could be a lot higher up in the company if he put forth a little more effort, but I'm not complaining. I don't know how I would get through the day here without him. He is one of my closest friends.

Something strange happened at work yesterday. Apparently, someone is doing a documentary about working in an office and they've picked our small workspace. So now, every day a few cameras follow us around and sometimes they pull us to the side and ask us questions.

Michael introduced me to the cameras. It was uncomfortable. I found out his true feelings for me...that he found me attractive a few years ago. I guess I've lost some of that attractiveness however. Of course, it's not like I try to look nice at work. I mean, why dress up? If I just pull my hair back and wear my button up shirt I am more comfortable, I get to sleep in an extra fifteen minutes, and I don't have to field inappropriate looks from Michael all day. Not to mention, there's no one to dress up for. Roy doesn't even notice if I put in a little extra effort into my looks.

Anyway, Jim pulled a prank on Dwight today. It's the third time he's pulled this particular one and Dwight's reaction was priceless. He was going to brag about some weird ninja thing he has and when he went to get the pictures out he found his stapler in a mold of green jell-o. I don't know how Jim kept a straight face...I burst out laughing.

Jim invited me to go get a drink with him and some of the other guys after work. I really wanted to go, which is actually a little strange, because I usually watch the clock all afternoon waiting to get out of there. But Roy said we have stuff to do so I just went home with him. Guess what we've been doing all night...we made microwave dinners and watched the Phillies game. I guess it's not really a big deal.

Oh yeah, Michael decided to fire me as a joke. I think that's all that needs to be said about that...except that, as much as I really don't like this job and as much as I would love to be a famous artist somewhere, I really was upset by the idea that I wouldn't work here anymore.

I guess that's it for today. Roy is starting to snore right now and if I don't fall asleep before it gets really bad, I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight.

Okay, so I read last week's entry to my mom and she told me that I need to write my real feelings. She said that if I try to be polite then I'm not going to be working through any of my problems. Her exact words were "If you can read this to me without feeling embarassed or uncomfortable, you're not being honest enough." I don't know about that, but I guess I'll try to be more honest.

I was really tired today. Roy and I got into a fight about when we are going to get married (again) last night. So I spent half the night fighting and the other half crying and slept maybe four hours.

Today was diversity day in the office. Honestly, it was ridiculous. Nobody in the office says inappropriate things or acts inappropriately except for Michael. Mr. Brown's presentation, while a good presentation, was completely unnecessary. Michael's presentation ("Diversity Day...Take 2") on the other hand was stupid. I was so excited because I was on pace to break my record of most FreeCell games played in an 8 to 5 work day, but Michael crushed that dream. Oh well, there's always tomorrow.

We played possibly the most offensive game ever. We put cards with different "races" on our forehead and then had to guess what ours was and give clues to someone else. So basically we had to say things based on untrue stereotypes. I was "Jewish." There was also "Jamaican", "Italian", and Michael was "Martin Luther King, Jr."

Jim didn't get a card. He left the meeting when his phone rang before Michael handed out the cards. Normally, I would say that he got lucky, but I know he was having a really bad day. Today was supposed to be his biggest sale of the year. Dwight kept him from being able to make the sale earlier today and then the diversity day presentations kept him from making it later on. Very rarely have I ever seen Jim that stressed out or upset.

He seemed to be in a pretty good mood at the end of the day, even though Dwight stole his sale. I guess I fell asleep on his shoulder during the meeting. He was really sweet about it. He just nudged me awake and smiled at me. I was a little embarassed, to be truthful. He didn't say anything about it, but still...I guess I shouldn't be embarassed.

Anyway, after work I went home and took a nap. I was in a much better mood when I got up and Roy brought me dinner. We still didn't talk about the wedding. I didn't want to fight again. Instead, we ate dinner and then went out to watch our high school's homecoming game.

It was weird being back in that stadium. Roy and I go to the homecoming game every year, and every year I feel more and more ridiculous sitting there surrounded by students. It's the same though...in high school I only went to the games for Roy, to watch him play. Now, I only go to the games for Roy because he still likes it. I guess that's what a relationship is really about, give and take. Right?

Anyway, our high school beat Bishop O'Hara, so Roy is in good spirits. This weekend should be fun. Tomorrow we're driving to Roy's parents' house to have dinner with them and I'm going to try and talk Roy into driving by my parents' house on our way back. It's a little bit out of the way but it's been a while since I've seen my mom.

Chapter Three: Ice Cream Sandwiches

I am really upset. No, more than really upset. I am pissed off. Michael let Dwight pick a terrible...no, worse than that, an atrocious health care plan. He cut vision, dental and there's a $1200 deductable. 1200 DOLLARS! Jim and I tried to talk some sense into him, but of course it was in vain.

Jim actually got a little upset with Dwight when we went to confront him in the conference room. I had to...refocus...him. He was arguing with Dwight about antibodies and immune systems and while it would have been hilarious under different circumstances, I was too irritated to laugh.

We managed to get a bit of revenge later on, however. Dwight decided it would be a good idea to let us write down the diseases we each suffer from annonymously. While Jim circled everything and added "ebola" and "mad cow disease," I went a more creative route. I made up diseases. My best idea was government nano-robots that had invaded my body. HAHA! Jim helped me with one of the better ones too. "Dentohydroplosion" I have no idea how he came up with that name, he's amazing.

Anyway, our made up diseases apparently irritated Dwight a bit and he had to interrogate all of us to decide who to blame. Jim didn't like that too much and promptly locked Dwight in the conference room. It was amazing. Dwight was so angry.

He actually called Jim from the conference room and Jim pulled one of the best feigned innocence acts I've ever seen. I got in on the action too and interupted that conversation to tell Jim about my fake plans to go to the mall this weekend. If I hadn't been so mad at Dwight, I might have felt bad for him...maybe not. He completely deserved this though.

Michael tried to stay in his office all day but couldn't manage. He promised us a surprise when we finally cornered him. Now, I don't think anyone believed that Michael actually had a surprise for us...I know I didn't. I thought that he might possibly pull something off just because he was squirming all day, but he didn't. Well...I guess the ice cream sandwiches were a small surprise. It still didn't make up for the crappy health care plan though.

I guess this means that I can't get sick...or get bad eye sight...or get a cavity...

Roy and I went to Chili's for dinner. He knew how upset I was about the health care plan so he bought me one of those brownie volcano things. Of course, he ate more of it than I did, but it's the thought that counts. He was really nice about it and at least let me rant. He got that glassy look in his eyes and I'm fairly certain he was staring at the tv behind my head, but at least I got it off of my chest.

I'm feeling a little better now. I dunno, maybe if they cut benefits enough the company will save enough money to prevent downsizing. That would make it worth it, although they could give us benefits and fire Dwight and that would accomplish the same thing. That was mean, I shouldn't have said that.

Today was...weird. Parts of it were amazing. Jim pulled the greatest prank EVER on Dwight. But, other parts weren't so great...like Roy nearly killing Jim.

I guess I'll start with the good stuff first.

We goofed around a lot at work. Michael decided we needed a morale booster and threw a surprise party for Meredith even though her birthday isn't until next month. We got ice cream cake and put up some streamers. Angela was being particularly nasty today. She called my choice of green streamers "whoreish." How are green streamers whoreish? That makes absolutely no sense. Anyway, it doesn't really matter.

Jim. What can I even say about Jim? He is amazing! He is an evil genius. Dwight wanted to form an alliance with Jim to protect them if downsizing happens. I guess he thinks we're in some sort of weird office survivor thing. Anyway, Jim, realizing that this is a perfect opportunity to mess with Dwight, joined forces with him. I pretended that I had a lot of information on a secret meeting one of the other "alliances" was holding in the warehouse. I'm not sure how, but Jim managed to convince Dwight that he needed to get taped into a box on the warehouse floor so that he could overhear their conversation.

Obviously there is no other alliance. It was my job to go down to the warehouse and pretend to be on the phone with someone else. I was having a hard time keeping it together as it was, but when that box tipped over, I lost it. I went running out of that warehouse so fast. I could barely tell Jim what had happened I was laughing so hard.

I don't know how he does it, but Jim took it even further. He somehow managed to convince Dwight that he needed to spy...yes, spy...on the Stamford branch...in disguise. Wow! How does he do it? So, before Roy and I left work today we saw Dwight walk out of the office with blonde hair. It would have been funnier if Roy and I hadn't been arguing, but I'm laughing now...so...

I guess that leads us to the bad stuff.

In spite of the fact that Michael is ridiculous and his party didn't help at all, things have been a little down around the office lately. There have been a lot of rumors about downsizing and as much as this job drives me crazy, I would be upset if I was fired.

Anyway, I wish that being worried about my job security was the biggest reason that today wasn't perfect, but it's not. When Jim was telling me about Dwight wanting to spy on Stamford, I guess...it's so ridiculous...I guess Jim and I got really close because we were laughing and he was talking softly and I guess it looked a little suggestive. Anyway, Roy walked in and flipped out. He charged Jim and for a few seconds there I thought he was actually going to hit him.

I can understand why Roy was mad. I imagine it didn't look too good, but Roy and I have been dating for almost nine years. He should trust me by now. I know he gets tired of hearing me talk about what Jim and I do at work, but he shouldn't be jealous. He knows that Jim and I are just friends.

We argued all the way home and all the way through dinner. We've been fighting a lot lately. I'm tired of it though and I told Roy that we weren't going to bed until we'd talked this one out. He told me I was nagging and reading too much into it at first, but we actually managed to fix this one. He told me the reason he freaked out was because he loves me so much that he couldn't stand the idea of another man being that close to me. Isn't that sweet? I mean, he still didn't have to attack Jim, but it was a sweet gesture...kind of.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything. Seriously...nothing.

Chapter Five: Basketball

Roy and I have been getting along really well ever since we talked about what happened with Jim last week. It's been really nice. It has felt a little more like when we first started dating. I guess I feel more appreciated, or something. It's nice.

The office team took on the warehouse in basketball today at lunch. Roy played really well and so we came home and had a really...um, relaxing evening. We just stayed in and...well, you know.

Anyway...the work day didn't start out too well. Our toaster oven broke this morning and I had to call the company and try to get them to give me a new one. The warantee had expired though, so, no new toaster oven. I guess I'll go buy a new one this weekend. Speaking of the weekend, Roy and I are going to the lake with Kenny and the wave runners, so I'm excited about that. I usually don't get to ride the wave runners for very long because Roy and Kenny like to race and play chicken, but maybe I'll try and get a tan.

Jim was really excited to play basketball today. He kept bragging about being on Varsity in high school. He actually was really good. I mean, I've always known Roy was good at basketball, but it was fun watching Jim play. I found myself cheering for him. I mean, I should cheer for him, he's my best friend, but I actually got more excited when Jim was doing well than when Roy was.

Roy accidentally hit him in the face. I mean, I know it was an accident now, but for a second I was really afraid that Roy had done it on purpose because of what had happened last week. Jim didn't make a big deal about it though. He played a little more aggressively after that (which proceeded to make Roy angry) but he didn't retaliate or anything.

Michael was ridiculous. He also kept bragging about how good he is at basketball, but unlike Jim, he had no skills at all. He kept going for these really long shots that weren't even close to the net and missing easy lay-ups. I was even embarassed for him.

The office team really turned it on after Jim told Michael that he was going to cover Roy. Um...okay, I know this sounds really bad, and I'm not sure exactly what happened...but there was one point in the game after Jim made a really good shot, and as he was running back to the other end he smiled at me and the next thing I knew...I'm sure it doesn't mean anything...but I think I was kind of checking Jim out. I mean, not in like a "ooohh, Jim's hot" kind of way, but just noticing that he is...you know...good looking. I mean, obviously I think Roy is very attractive but it was just like as Jim was running by I was just thinking about how Jim is good looking, too.

Anyway...Michael made an idiot out of himself by acting like he was fouled and ending the game after he found out that the office team was ahead. He didn't make the warehouse workers come in on Saturday (yay, we're going to the lake) and Jim text messaged me later saying that he didn't have to work either.

All in all, it was a pretty good day. Any time that we get an extended break from work is good.

Roy is asleep now and I should probably join him because we have to get up early tomorrow morning. Hopefully he's not too sore from the basketball game to enjoy being on the wave runner all day tomorrow.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Don't sue me NBC.com.

Chapter Six: Stupid Boys and Purses

Today was...not such a great day. It started out with Michael being a chauvinist pig and changing the company rules because he liked the way Katy (the purse girl) looked. He said gross things like "cock in the hen house" and kicked Toby and HR out of the conference room. Oh yeah, he also called her a hotter version of me...and then Kevin told me she was prettier than me.

I don't have anything personal against her though. She seemed nice enough and it's not her fault that the disgusting males in this office couldn't stop drooling over her. Kevin almost lost the ability to speak when she was around. Dwight...oh gosh, Dwight. I'll write more about that later. Jim did a good job of keeping his eyes in his head, but he ended up asking her out...more about that later, too.

Right now, I need to vent about Roy. We "made up" after he refused to acknowledge that he'd done anything wrong, by tickling me on Jim's desk, but I don't think I've really forgiven him. No, I did what I usually do...ignore it until I forget it happened.

The thing is though, I expect guys like Michael, Dwight, and Kevin to be jerks and check out other girls. But Roy and I are engaged. I'm not saying he can't observe the fact that she's pretty. He'd have to be blind not to know that...but seriously. This is what he said, verbatim, "I would be all over that if I wasn't DATING Pam." We are NOT dating...I repeat...we are not dating. We are engaged. We have been for three years. And it's times like these that I start thinking we might spend our whole lives engaged and never actually get married.

Anyway...the whole conversation came about at lunch. Roy and I were eating with Jim, and Roy started asking Jim what he thought of Katy and asking about his type. Jim was funny and said something about liking moms...soccer moms, Nascar moms (which I sincerely hope isn't true, haha)...when she walked in. Roy practically started drooling after she left.

Needless to say, I got really upset. I nearly knocked over my refill jar of jelly beans under my desk.

It's a good thing that Jim was in top form today then. His little joke on Dwight totally cheered me up. I guess Dwight thought that Katy met all of his "expectations" and decided he needed to make a move. Of course, the best way to make a move would be to buy himself a man-purse! How would he know this? At the suggestion of Jim of course.

Jim and I had some fun at Dwight's expense dubbing our voices over his while he was buying a purse from Katy. I guess Dwight's definition of flirting is stepping in and out of a purse and then banging it against the table.

Ahh, that was funny! I'm laughing again just writing it down.

I guess as nice as it was for Jim not to be staring at Katy all day, it was a little impractical for me to think that he wasn't attracted to her. I mean, he's only human...and he's single. And he's a great guy so Katy would have been stupid not to go out with him...so yeah, I hope it works out. Jim could really use someone in his life romantically.

It was the last straw for me though. I never really dress up for work...I don't see the point, but watching Roy, Dwight, Michael and Kevin ogle at her all day...I guess once I realized that Jim was into her too it made me want to spruce up my look as well. It wasn't because of Jim asking Katy out. No...that was just the straw that broke the camel's back. I get tired of being overlooked, I guess.

I also realized how far removed my relationship with Roy is from that "New Relationship" feeling. Jim and I were talking about weekend plans and he said he was going out with Katy. He was talking about going out for dinner, drinks, a movie (matching tattoos, but he was joking) and all I had to say was that we're helping Roy's cousin move...because we have a truck. I felt lame.

I bet Jim would be a good date. I mean, not for me, obviously, but for Katy...or whoever. I saw him walking her out to his car and he opened the door for her and carried her bag of purses. Also, he's so funny and easy to talk to, I bet there wouldn't be any of those first date awkward silences. I dunno, I've only ever had one "first date" and I can barely remember what it felt like to go out with someone I hadn't been with at least five years.

Well, I guess I should get some sleep. Roy and I are driving up to Pittsburgh tomorrow. Thankfully I'll get to sleep in the car on the way there.

Disclaimer: I own nothing...if I did, I wouldn't be writing fan fiction.

Chapter 7: Whitest Sneakers

I...am...an idiot...

I got really, really drunk at the Dundies. I can't hold my liquor, I never have been able to. I think I had 4 or 5...maybe 6 drinks last night. Parts of the night are really, really blurry...but some aren't. Let's just say, before I go into too much detail, that I need to get a lock for this diary or else I might be single again and Jim would probably get a broken jaw.

I...um...well, I guess there's no other way to say it, I kissed Jim. Again, I was really, really drunk and I was overexcited about winning a Dundie that wasn't "Longest Engagement." I dunno, Roy and I had a fight in the parking lot (which is why I came inside and got drunk in the first place)...I guess I was just happy that Jim was there and we did have a good time together. Anyway, he was so excited for me getting that award and I just wanted to give him a hug (because I have a sneaky suspicion that he's part of the reason I didn't win "Longest Engagement" again) and I dunno...for just those few seconds when his arms were around me and I was so close to his face...I dunno, it just felt...right.

So, lesson learned...never mix anger, alcohol, best friends and Dundies together or you will end up kissing your best friend and possibly ruining an engagement and a friendship. I guess it's lucky for me that my fiancee wasn't there and that I have an amazing best friend who hasn't said anything about it since.

Anyway, on to the rest of the night...I don't remember too much of the speech I gave, but I guess there will always be next year when I have to watch all of the old footage again (I really hope the kiss was out of frame). I have a huge and very painful bruise on my thigh that I have no recollection of getting. Jim has informed me however that I got it when I fell off of a bar stool, very smooth on my part.

I do remember leaving though.

It was another alcohol induced moment. I asked Jim if I could ask him a question. I have no idea what I was going to ask, but I know it was something. What I do remember though, is looking at him, getting ready to ask and then completely forgetting what I was going to say.

I don't know what happened. It was like the second I looked into his eyes all I could think about was how green they looked at night. He had this expectant look on his face...it was a look he's given me a hundred times but for whatever reason, that night, in that parking lot, it made me feel like I had butterflies in my stomach.

Angela drove me home, her lips pursed together the entire ride. She had classical music on and by the time we got back to my house I was a little more coherent. I didn't have much trouble getting up the stairs. Roy still wasn't back from Poor Richard's and when he did finally get home, he was even more drunk than me. We had it out too. It was probably one of the worst fights we've ever had.

By about 1 AM neither of us had made any headway and we were both growing hoarse. So we just went to bed. I didn't want to be anywhere near him so I slept on the couch. I didn't make Roy breakfast the next morning and drove myself to work. We talked it through a little at dinner tonight, but I'm still pretty upset.