INT. Main Office. JIM and DWIGHT's Desks

 

JIM is on the phone talking to a client. DWIGHT is reading a Cosmogirl! Magazine. He suddenly slams the magazine down on his desk, grabs a highlighter, bites off the cap, and aggressively highlights a passage from the magazine.

 

JIM

(hangs up phone and looks over)

Wh-at are you doing, Dwight?

 

DWIGHT

(without looking up)

Uh, learning.

 

JIM

About how to seduce middle school girls? Or….

 

DWIGHT

(interrupting)

No, Jim. I’m learning about women. Because inside of every woman, is an adolescent girl. One that is sensitive, and [beat] prone to emotional outbursts against those that would try and help them.

 

JIM

(disbelievingly)

You’re sure you didn’t buy it because of the horoscope? Or because Keira Knightley is on the cover?

 

DWIGHT

No.

(looks at camera)

Though she was excellent as Elizabeth Swann in the Pirates trilogy.

(looks back at Jim)

I am broadening my horizons. Maybe you should try it.

(goes back to reading Cosmogirl!)

JIM

(looks thoughtfully into space)

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. I have some old Highlights at home [beat] do you think that would help?

 

Before DWIGHT can respond, MICHAEL comes out of his office and towards JIM.

 

MICHAEL

Jimbo, you ready?

 

JIM

(confusedly)

For what?

 

MICHAEL

It’s Friday, we’ve got our…

(pauses and looks to his left, where the camera pans and sees TOBY standing sorting through some papers, and then back to MICHAEL)

…..Uh, the Dunder-Mifflin Scranton Leadership Meeting to go to.

 

JIM nods his head.

 

JIM TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]

Yes, the Dunder-Mifflin Scranton Leadership Meeting. Or as I like to call it, ‘Michael and I go to Hooters or Chili’s and talk about Jan [beat] or boobs [beat] or Jan’s boobs. Uh, I guess he can put it on the Corporate Card and apparently not get in trouble.

(shrugs)

 

CUT BACK TO OFFICE SCENE.

 

DWIGHT

Michael, I am qualified to go to the…

(pauses and looks over, along with the camera, at TOBY, who is still standing where he was before, then back to DWIGHT)

…“the Leadership Meeting”. I have been doing research.

(holds up Cosmogirl!)

MICHAEL

Wha-No, creepy. And, Jim is number two in the office and he…

(pauses and looks over again, along with the camera. However this time TOBY is gone, and the camera quickly pans further to see him through the doors, going back to the Annex.)

…..God! Finally! Look, Dwight, Jim is like

(pauses to think)

John Travolta in Saturday Night Live plus James Bond plus Don Juan Casanova.

(chuckles)

Okay?

 

DWIGHT

I-

 

MICHAEL

(interrupting)

No, I mean. Do you even remember how hot purse girl was?

 

KEVIN

I do. She was smokin’.

 

Camera quickly pans to KEVIN, so that it is able to catch him saying the last part, then pans back to JIM, DWIGHT, and MICHAEL.

 

JIM is becoming increasingly frustrated and awkward as MICHAEL continues to talk next to him.

 

MICHAEL

Thank you, Kevin. And he just totally picked her up in the office! And Karen! (pauses thoughtfully) I mean, I didn’t want to say anything when she was here, but she was like a delicious cup of coffee that has the perfect amount of mocha and cream.

 

ANDY

(nods)

Yes she was.

 

Camera quickly pans to ANGELA who is staring disapprovingly over at ANDY, who quickly focuses his eyes back onto his computer.

 

JIM

Michael, I don’t—

 

MICHAEL

(interrupting)

No Jim, it’s cool. (Suddenly becomes louder) And now, the best for last! Pam! Right?

(He walks over to Reception, where PAM is sitting, visibly uncomfortable at his words)

Not only has Jim nabbed her too, but he made her hotter! It’s like he has a gift. So, yeah, Dwight, you can’t come. Because the Leadership Conference is about man-talk, and you don’t even have a girlfriend, unlike Jim, who is a hot-chick magnet.

 

Camera pans back to DWIGHT and JIM at their desks.

 

DWIGHT attempts to say something but stops, sighs, and goes back to work. JIM, still upset, gets up wordlessly, puts his hands in his pockets and walks towards reception.

 

MICHAEL

Alright! Let’s go. You driving?

 

JIM

(a little tersely)

No you are.

 

MICHAEL

(sensitively)

Okay, that is [beat] cool.

 

JIM leans over reception and takes a jellybean. He smiles at PAM, and then goes to the coat rack.

 

MICHAEL goes to leave but then quickly turns back to PAM.

 

MICHAEL

(whispers, but loud enough so that JIM can hear)

If we go to Hooters do you want me to pick you up something? You know, short-shorts? Tanktop? Playing cards? For a little spice?

 

PAM looks even more mortified at Michael’s words.

 

PAM

I’m good Michael, thanks.

 

MICHAEL nods, turns, and puts his arm awkwardly around Jim’s waist as they both walk towards the door.

 

MICHAEL

So, Chilis or Hooters?

 

JIM

Definitely Chilis.

 

They are now at the door and are both awkwardly trying to fit through it as MICHAEL still has his arm around JIM.

 

MICHAEL

Awesome Blossom it is!

 

 

 

END OF COLD OPEN.

ACT I

 

INT. Michael’s Office

MICHAEL is sitting at his desk, arms crossed on it, with his phone on speakerphone. We enter during a conversation.

 

MICHAEL

I’m not sure if this is going to work.

 

PAM

(all dialogue on speakerphone)

Michael, you can do this. Just remember what I told you. Be strong and don’t back down, okay?

 

MICHAEL

(tentatively)

Okay [beat] transfer it over [beat]

(quickly)

but stay on the line okay?

 

PAM

I will Michael. You’re gonna be great.

(there is a click heard on the speakerphone)

Alright, Ryan you’re on with Michael.

 

RYAN

(all conversation on speakerphone)

Michael

 

MICHAEL

Hello, Ryan.

 

RYAN

What is this about?

 

MICHAEL

Really? That’s it? Not even a hello? You know what….

 

RYAN

(interrupting)

Hello, Michael, okay? Look, I’m very busy, what do you need?

 

MICHAEL

(still looks unsatisfied, but shakes it off)

Ah, yes. I need you to approve some, um, expenditures

 

RYAN

If you went to Chili’s or Hooters again, I’m having Toby take away your corporate card

 

MICHAEL

No, that’s not it. God, (sigh) Look, it’s about the Christmas party this year. I’m sure you remember them. Awesome time? Morale booster?

 

RYAN

I remember a waste of company resources. I remember [beat] Wait. What kind of expenditures for a party?

 

MICHAEL

A-ha! Well, this year we’re doing something different and I need more money.

 

RYAN

Absolutely not.

 

MICHAEL

Wait! Wait [beat] until you’ve heard what it is that I’m going to say to you. Because this year we are going to do…

(looks at camera excitedly)

A Kwanzaa Christmas!!

(smiles widely)

 

RYAN

(sighs audibly)

No

 

MICHAEL

(suddenly turns serious at Ryan’s refusal and tone)

Oh, so then this memo that I am holding in my hand right now

(holds up empty hand)

about Dunder-Mifflin embracing cultural diversity, is what? A lie?

 

RYAN

Are the cameras in there with you?

 

MICHAEL

(looks at the cameras and then to the phone)

I don’t [beat] maybe.

 

RYAN

(Lifelessly)

Dunder-Mifflin is an equal-opportunity employer that celebrates and embraces diversity in the workplace.

 

MICHAEL

Exactly! Celebrates! This is what we’d be doing!

 

RYAN

There is no money in your budget, or in this company’s budget for you to hold a Kwanzaa Party.

 

MICHAEL

(picks up sheet of paper from desk, and looks at brightly highlighted area)

So then the fifty thousand dollars the company spent on diversity training last year was fine? But I can’t have three hundred to follow those principles?

 

RYAN

(pauses and is audibly taken aback)

That-that’s not the same thing.

 

MICHAEL

Why do you hate black people, Ryan?

 

RYAN

(overly defensive)

That is ridiculous, I don’t

 

MICHAEL

Then let us celebrate Kwanzaa!

 

RYAN

Michael, I told you

 

MICHAEL

(interrupting)

No! I’ve already discussed this with Stanley, and unless you give me three hundred and fifty dollars he’s calling David Wallace directly about this!

 

RYAN

He’d never…wait, three hundred fifty?

 

MICHAEL

(interrupting)

Pam!

 

PAM

Yes, Michael?

 

MICHAEL

Please alert Stanley that Operation: Ryan Is A Racist is a go

 

PAM

Okay, I’ll call David Wallace and connect them

 

MICHAEL

Thank you

 

RYAN

Wait! There’s... [beat]

(unsure)

no way Stanley would do that

 

MICHAEL

Really, Ryan? An awesome party celebrating his heritage or no party and being nice to the guy who hit on his daughter?

(looks at the camera slightly smugly)

Which one do you think he is going to choose?

 

RYAN

(unnerved)

Fine Michael. You can have a party.

 

MICHAEL

(quickly following)

And four hundred dollars

 

RYAN

Four hundred! No, you can have two hundred. That’s your normal budget.

 

MICHAEL

(hesitates, looks up at Reception, and wipes his forehead with his forearm)

Four hundred and fifty

 

RYAN

(loses his cool)

Why do you keep going up?!

 

MICHAEL

( suddenly re-confident at tone of Ryan’s voice)

Because you keep stalling, and I keep thinking of things I want. That time it was a confetti machine.

 

RYAN

Okay. You can have three hundred dollars for the Kwanzaa party, and I want pictures for the Company newsletter.

 

MICHAEL

Five hundred

 

RYAN

What?!

 

MICHAEL

I want a chocolate fountain.

(wistfully)

I always have.

( back to confident)

Five hundred or Stanley calls David Wallace and you’re fired.

 

RYAN

(several second pause)

Fine. But if you call me again before the New Year, I’m sending you on a seven-branch meet and greet. And you pay for the gas.

 

MICHAEL

(thinks about it)

Could I go see Karen in Utica?

 

RYAN

(sigh)

Just [beat] don’t call me.

 

MICHAEL

Alright, and hey Ryan

 

RYAN

What, Michael?

 

MICHAEL

Happy Kwanzaa Christmas!

(presses speakerphone button and turns phone off)

 

MICHAEL quickly gets up from his chair and runs around his desk and out of his office. The camera follows behind him as he runs over to Reception.

 

 

INT. Main Office, Reception, JIM’s Desk

 

 

MICHAEL

Pam Beesly!

 

PAM smiles widely as the camera swings over to JIM who is sitting looking at the scene with complete confusion, and then swings back to Reception.

 

MICHAEL

High-five it!

 

PAM reluctantly high-fives MICHAEL, who smiles and looks at the cameras, which zooms in on Pam.

 

PAM TALKING HEAD [In Conference Room]

I did [beat] help Michael a little bit.

 

Talking head becomes voiceover as a quick montage of Pam’s preparations for Michael’s conversation with Ryan are shown.

-Her highlighting a Dunder-Mifflin expenditure sheet

-Printing out the Wikipedia page on “Kwanzaa,”

-Her in Michael’s office visibly encouraging him.

 

It’s just, I mean, he’s been going through some stuff lately and I know how much the Christmas party means to him and everything, and how much he looks forward to it every year.

 

CUT BACK TO PAM

 

So, yeah [beat] plus, I figure this way we get a nice party, and uh, Ryan looks like an ass.

(smirks)

Win-win-win.

 

CUT BACK TO OFFICE

 

MICHAEL is walking back to his office, and crosses paths with JIM who is on his way to Reception. Just as they do, MICHAEL stops and begins to address the office, while JIM proceeds to lean on Pam’s desk.

 

MICHAEL

Attention, friends of the office! I have good news

 

STANLEY

You’re not going to have a Conference Room meeting today?

 

MICHAEL

That is—I don’t know, it’s too early to tell. But, you should be gratefully, because this concerns you directly.

 

STANLEY perks up slightly and pays attention.

 

MICHAEL (cont)

Every year, we have a slammin’ Christmas party, right?

(camera pans to show indifference and confusion at his word choice, before it returns to him)

But this year, we’re doing something special. We are combining Christmas with Kwanzaa!

 

JIM

I don’t think you can do that

 

MICHAEL

(turns indignantly towards JIM)

Oh really, Jim? Well, Kwanzaa is a week-long Pan-African festival primarily honoring African-American heritage. And Christmas is about [beat] uh, Jesus and Santa Claus. So, what, you can’t be black and love Jesus and Rudolph?

 

JIM looks at MICHAEL in surprise, and then quickly to PAM who is shaking her head in mock disapproval and disappointment.

 

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD [Michael’s Office]

Did I want to use Wikipedia against Jim? No, of course not, Jim is my Office BFF. And Wikipedia is like dropping an A-bomb of knowledge on someone. And [beat] you don’t do that if you don’t have to. Actually, interesting fact, there have only been two dropped in history

(leans back slightly and glances at computer screen covertly)

in 1945, uh, against the Japans. So….

(trails off)

 

CUT BACK TO OFFICE

 

MICHAEL

Anyway, party budget, which I negotiated myself, is five hundred dollars! So, Party Planning Committee

(points to Angela, and the camera swings over to see her standing up next to her desk, and then swings back)

I want you to drop it like it’s hot. Oh! and also, for this one, Stanley, as our most visible minority, you will co-chair the committee with Angela.

 

STANLEY

No

 

MICHAEL walks slowly towards STANLEY in disbelief

 

MICHAEL

What?

 

STANLEY

I said no. I’m here to sell and make money. I’m not plannin’ a party. Last party I planned was my daughter’s Sweet 16, and she had been watching some damn television show about it. Cost me seven hundred dollars.

 

KELLY

Omigod! My Sweet 16? I love that show.

 

STANLEY

Mmm-hmm

 

MICHAEL

No, that [beat] no, you’re on the committee.

 

STANLEY

No

 

MICHAEL

(passionately)

Have you seen “Roots”?

 

STANLEY

I have, and no, I am still not helping you

 

MICHAEL

(sigh)

Fine. I guess

 

ANGELA

(interrupting)

I can plan the party myself. I always do.

 

MICHAEL

(dismissively)

No, if you plan it, it’ll be lame like your Christmas party was last year and the launch party was this year

 

Camera shows ANGELA is becoming visibly annoyed and upset at MICHAEL’s comment

 

MICHAEL (cont)

Actually, yeah, Pam. Since you helped with the budget, and you threw a zoppity one last year, you are chair of the party planning committee.

(genuinely)

Congratulations.

 

PAM

(looks over at ANGELA hesitantly, who is now even more upset)

Oh, Michael. I don’t think. I think Angela is fine as Chair.

 

MICHAEL

(worriedly)

No. I need someone cool and hot to lead the committee.

(continues to look at hesitancy on Pam’s face)

Okay look, you’re co-chairman with Angela.

 

ANGELA is still visibly upset, but slightly less so.

 

PAM

(brushes off Michael’s “compliment”)

Okay, that’s fine.

 

MICHAEL

Good, then it’s settled. The best Kwanzaa Christmas Party ever! Right, so I need to see you two ladies in my office in twenty, and, you know, co-chairs, but Pam you can overrule Angela if she wants to do something boring or unfun.

 

Camera swings to, and zooms in on, ANGELA who is back to being visibly upset.

 

ANGELA TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]

How do I feel about this party? Do you mean the part where Kwanzaa is forced upon the virtue of the birth of baby Jesus? or the part where Pam makes it into a stripper-nightclub whore party?

(looks angrily and determinedly at the camera)

I am just going to have to remind people what Christmas is really about.

 

PAM TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]

Yeah, I agreed to co-chair the Committee. I figured that I did help with the money, so why not? I had a lot of fun doing it last year, and I think that Angela and I can work together.

(PAM thinks about what she just said)

Oh my God, what have I done?

 

 

 

 

CUT TO: INT. Break Room

 

Camera is outside of the Break room, zoomed in closely on JIM buying a grape soda, but then zooms out sharply so that we can see DWIGHT standing in the doorframe, looking unblinkingly at JIM, who after his purchase, notices him.

 

JIM

What?

 

DWIGHT

(whispers)

I request your assistance in a [beat] delicate matter.

 

JIM

(looks at camera to which DWIGHT remains oblivious)

Oh

DWIGHT

Good, I’m glad you agree. Sit down.

 

JIM reluctantly sits down across a table from DWIGHT. He opens his soda and begins to drink it.

 

DWIGHT (cont)

I’ve been thinking a great deal about what Michael said last week

 

JIM

(thinking)

About Salma Hayek or about his idea for peanut butter marshmallows?

 

DWIGHT

Neither. Though they were both excellent points. No, what he said about you and women.

 

JIM

Oh, yeah, that’s not [beat] anything. Or true. [beat] Or something I know anything about.

 

DWIGHT

I don’t have time for your modesty. You are obviously good at seducing women. I, uh…

(He sighs loudly and puts his head in his hands. He appears genuinely flustered and upset. JIM notices)

am having problems reconnecting with a certain someone. And I need your help.

 

JIM

(jokingly)

A certain someone?

 

DWIGHT

(matter of factly)

Yes. Angela Martin from Accounting. Prior to this October we had a two-year clandestine romance.

 

Despite knowing this information, JIM appears very surprised at DWIGHT’s frankness.

 

DWIGHT (cont)

I know, we kept it to ourselves. I’m telling you this now because you are my last hope. Angela is not like the…

(carefully chooses his words)

type of woman that you romance, but I believe your knowledge of women is [beat] possibly superior to mine.

(takes of his glasses and rubs his eyes before he looks at JIM)

 

JIM

(genuinely moved by DWIGHT’s condition)

Wow, Dwight. I had no idea. Um, [beat] yeah, I’ll help you. I mean she shouldn’t be with Andy.

 

DWIGHT

(interrupting determinedly)

No she shouldn’t. She doesn’t love him and he does not respect her the way I do.

 

JIM

(thinks about what DWIGHT said)

Yeah [beat] that’s true. But, what do you want me to do exactly?

 

DWIGHT

I need a way to show her that I am the man for her. That I am strong and capable.

(thoughtfully)

Do you think Andy can chop firewood?

 

JIM

(squints)

Uh, I don’t know. But I thought you wanted to win her back?

 

DWIGHT

I do.

 

JIM

I don’t think you’re going to do that chopping firewood, Dwight.

 

DWIGHT

What about changing the oil in her car? I know she doesn’t know how.

 

JIM

(puts his hand up to stop DWIGHT)

No, I mean, being a man is more than just being strong. It’s, uh, you know, showing the person that you care about them, everyday.

 

DWIGHT

(pulls back slightly in disgust at JIM’s definition but then leans back in)

I’m not trying to romance Oscar, Jim.

 

JIM

(begins to get up from the table)

Okay, well I’m off.

 

DWIGHT

(gets up faster)

No! I’m sorry Jim. That-that is why I need you. You’re [beat] sensitive to women’s feelings.

JIM

(sits back down, along with DWIGHT)

Yeah [beat] Speaking of, can I share this with Pam? She might have some suggestions.

 

DWIGHT

No,

(pauses to think for a second)

unless it is for the purposes of gaining further female knowledge. But use code names.

 

JIM

Fair enough. Give me a little time to think about this and I’ll get back to you.

(looks at camera, then at DWIGHT who still looks anguished)

As soon as I can.

 

DWIGHT

Very good.

 

JIM TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]

I don’t really…

(looks down)

it’s just…

(looks back up)

I’m going to help Dwight, because

(smiles faintly)

Christmas is the time to let people know how you feel about them.

(stops and thinks for a second)

Or, well, Kwanzaa too.

 

 

END OF ACT ONE

 

 

 

ACT TWO

 

 

INT. MICHAEL’s Office

 

MICHAEL is sitting at his desk, expectantly arranging a legal pad and pen on his desk. DARRYL walks into his office and towards his desk.

 

MICHAEL

(happily to camera)

Ah! There he is. Darryl Philbin!

 

DARRYL

(looks at camera and then at MICHAEL with obvious annoyance)

Yeah, Mike you called and said there was a problem with a ship…

 

MICHAEL

(interrupting)

Is that your final answer?

(laughs at own joke)

No, what?

 

DARRYL

(hesitates before speaking)

You called about a problem with a shipment?

 

MICHAEL

(waves his hand dismissively)

Oh, yeah, but it was one of Dwight’s so [beat] Hey! While I have you here, did you know that we’re celebrating your tribal heritage this X-mas?

 

DARRYL

(confusedly)

Excuse me?

 

MICHAEL

Yeah, we’re merging Kwanzaa…

(points to DARRYL)

with Christmas

(points to himself, but then realizes his mistake and attempts to point to both DARRYL and himself at the same time with the same hand)

 

Both men stare at each other for several seconds while MICHAEL’s hand remains frozen in between them.

 

DARRYL

(turns to go and puts his hand on the door handle)

I’m busy Mike, I don’t have time for this.

 

MICHAEL

(hurriedly and panicky)

No! Wait! I need your help for the party. I, uh, gotta have new black man phrases to make sure people see my multipleculturalness.

(looks at camera)

 

DARRYL who still has his back to MICHAEL, and his hand on the door handle, turns slowly around, and the camera zooms in on a faint smile on his face.

 

 

CUT TO: Accounting, OSCAR and ANGELA’s Desks

 

ANGELA is attempting to work but is in obvious distress and is constantly looking up from her work in quiet exasperation. KEVIN has headphones on and is smiling at something he is watching on his computer. OSCAR is not at his desk. After several seconds of this, the camera quickly pans to see ANDY approaching. He sits on the edge of OSCAR’s desk, and faces ANGELA.

 

ANDY

(softly)

Why so glum, sugar plum?

 

ANGELA

(looks up at ANDY)

I-

(looks over at KEVIN, who remains preoccupied, and then back to ANDY)

This Kwanzaa Christmas party, which I now have to co-chair with Pam

(sigh)

why can’t we have a nice party, with an appropriate theme? I-

(looks down at her desk sadly)

wanted to do the Twelve Days of Christmas this year.

 

ANDY

Well you still can. I mean, everyone loves that song.

(begins to sing a little too loudly)

Five gold rings!

 

ANGELA

(hisses under her breath)

Break room!

 

At her command, they both get up and walk towards the break room without another word.

 

CUT TO: INT. Break Room

 

ANGELA and ANDY enter and silently sit down together, on opposite ends of a table. They are the only people in the room.

 

ANDY

(looks over at the vending machine and then says with some emotion)

Man, I could really use something with nougat.

 

ANGELA

(staring intently at ANDY while he looks at the vending machine)

So what are we going to do?

 

ANDY

(looks away from machine and to ANGELA)

About what?

 

ANGELA

(angrily)

About what?! About the fact that….

(obviously pauses to consider her words and when she speaks, it is deliberately)

I have no problem with African-Americans celebrating their heritage, but why do they have to do it at the same time as the birth of baby Jesus? [beat] not to mention the fact that if Pam had her way, he wouldn’t even be in a manger, but a [beat] disco club or a brothel.

(puts her head in her hands)

 

ANDY

(nods his head in agreement, but is obviously overwhelmed)

Well, uh, I still think the Twelve Days theme is Christmas-ey. You should do that.

 

Right after ANDY finishes, PAM walks in with a mug in her hand. She is several steps into the room before she realizes the situation.

 

PAM

(holds the mug closer to herself)

Oh. I, um, didn’t see you guys. Sorry.

 

ANDY

(smiling)

No, it’s cool Pam. The lady and I were discussing options for the party.

 

PAM

(nods tentatively while looking at ANGELA)

Oh, cool. We, uh, are still having the meeting today, right Angela?

 

ANGELA

(looks over towards PAM, her face is emotionless)

Yes, Pam. I sent you the memo.

 

PAM

Yes

(looks at camera)

[beat] you did.

 

 

PAM TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]

 

PAM holds up a clipped together group of papers to the camera that constitutes probably around twenty pages.

 

I did get the memo. Uh, yeah, it took me like an hour to read. There are actual

(smiles widely and casually thumbs through it)

appendices, [beat]

(looks at camera)

seriously! And maybe [beat]

(looks back at memo as she continues to thumb through it)

a flow chart or a graph. Oh! Yeah, look at this

(PAM flips to the last page and holds it up to the camera, which zooms in and shows in bold lettering PAM BEESLY and ANGELA MARTIN, with their accompanying signatures below it. She pulls it back down.)

Um, I never signed anything. Did she, like, [beat] forge or photoshop my signature?

(looks slightly worriedly at camera)

 

CUT BACK TO OFFICE

 

ANGELA

(determinedly)

Well, Pam understands, that this is a Christmas party first. Then, a Kwanzaa party.

(looks at PAM)

 

PAM

(innocently)

I thought Michael said it was a Kwanzaa Christmas?

 

ANGELA

(angrily)

Well, Michael is not a chair of the Party Planning Committee. I am, and I think it would be best to have Christian-themed decorations this year.

 

ANDY

(excitedly)

You know what?

(slaps table)

I’ve got it! What about if you had black baby Jesus decorations?

 

There is a pause as PAM smirks slightly and looks expectantly at ANGELA, who is staring intensely at ANDY.

 

ANDY (cont.)

(looking at PAM and oblivious to ANGELA)

Do you think they sell those at Target? Or like…hmmm.

(looks into space thoughtfully, and still does not notice ANGELA)

 

ANGELA

(gets up suddenly from the table)

I-I’m going back to my desk.

 

ANGELA leaves the break room quickly, leaving PAM and ANDY. The camera zooms in on ANDY, who is smiling and looking at PAM and then at the camera.

 

ANDY TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]

 

I think black baby Jesus is a great idea for the office party. It’s like the Neapolitan of baby Jesuses. Cause he’s usually [beat] vanilla [beat]

(pauses to reconsider, but regains momentum by changing the subject)

I think Angela liked the idea, she seemed anxious to get back to her desk and start planning.

(smiles)

 

PAM TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]

 

(shakes her head sadly)

I don’t think he ever saw it coming.

(thinks for a second)

Or saw it going.

 

 

CUT TO: INT. MICHAEL’s Office

MICHAEL is still sitting at his desk, this time with a scribbled-filled legal pad, and the pen in his hand. DARRYL leans back in his chair, thoughtfully.

 

MICHAEL

I like ‘check yourself before you wreck yourself.’

 

DARRYL

(nods and smiles)

Yeah, me and the other Negros say that all the time.

 

MICHAEL

(nods in sync with DARRYL)

So it’s on the street, then?

 

DARRYL

Oh, no, it’s too new. Hasn’t even got there yet.

(looks at camera and smiles)

 

MICHAEL

Right. It’s on the down low. The DL. Got it. Any more?

 

DARRYL

(thoughtfully)

Uh [beat] have you heard ‘all that and a bag of chips?’

 

MICHAEL

(excitedly)

Yeah! That one I’ve heard. Oh wait.

(dejectedly)

Does that mean it’s a white man phrase now?

 

DARRYL

No, no. It’s back to being black. It’s, uh..

(tries not to laugh)

blacktro.

 

MICHAEL

Blacktro?

 

DARRYL

Black retro.

 

MICHAEL

(scribbles down on legal pad)

Can I use that too?

 

DARRYL

(shrugs)

Sure

 

MICHAEL

I promise I’ll only use it in case of racial emergencies.

 

DARRYL

(nods)

Okay.

 

MICHAEL

Great, and…

 

DARRYL

(interrupting)

Mike, I really should be getting back to the warehouse. We’re backed up because of the holidays.

 

MICHAEL

Okay, yeah, sure. You are coming to the party on Friday though?

 

DARRYL

(stands up)

Yeah, I’ll be there.

 

MICHAEL

Fresh! Oh wait. Let’s do it for old times’ sake.

 

DARRYL looks at MICHAEL confusedly, as he gets up and stretches out his hand. He then realizes what he’s doing and steps forward and does the ‘black man handshake’ with him.

 

DARRYL

(backs away towards the door)

Okay, see you at the party.

 

MICHAEL

Yeah. I’ll see you at the party.

 

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD [Michael’s Office]

 

Darryl is a great guy. He’s my black connection to the rest of the world. [beat] Not that I don’t have other African-American friends, um, Stanley obviously. But, actually, you know what? That’s wrong. It’s wrong.

(pauses and then resumes seriously)

Because, I was watching the Discovery Channel on my futon the other night, and they said that we’re all descended from like, one man and woman, who lived in this region of Africa.

(gazes thoughtfully off to the side)

Uh, Mumbutu? [beat] I don’t remember.

(looks back at camera)

So then, aren’t we all African-Americans?

(looks at camera convincingly, but then hesitates)

Though, that means Jan and I are related and doing it. Uh…

(expression changes to worry)

 

 

CUT TO: Main Office, JIM and DWIGHT’s Desks

 

DWIGHT is tapping his bobbleheads despondently, and has his chin in his hand. JIM is on the phone, and looking at his computer screen. The camera pans over a little to see ANDY and PAM walking back into the office. They separate at Stanley’s desk, and the camera follows PAM as she walks towards DWIGHT’s desk, with her eyes on JIM the entire time.

 

JIM

(on the phone)

Yes, Mr. Breckenridge, we are running a sale on the…

 

Camera pans from JIM to PAM who is now standing in the middle of the office, staring at JIM and trying to get his attention, before it pans back to a oblivious JIM.

 

JIM (cont.)

…right, yeah, the cardstock. Yes, sir. Mmm-hmm.

 

Camera pans again to PAM, who self-consciously looks at the camera, and starts walking towards her desk, still looking at JIM. DWIGHT looks up from his bobbleheads and takes notice.

 

JIM (cont.)

Well, I know how important it is to be stocked for the New Year.

 

DWIGHT

(quietly interrupting, and said without emotion)

Jim, I think Pam is in heat.

 

JIM

(continues to hold the phone, but stops paying attention to it, and looks at DWIGHT)

Uh, wha-what?

 

Camera quickly pans to Reception where Pam is now sitting. She is looking at her computer screen, obviously typing, and does not hear DWIGHT’s comment.

 

DWIGHT

(still without emotion)

It happens with all animals. The female of the species wishes to propagate.

(sighs the words)

It’s a biological imperative.

 

JIM

(realizes he has been ignoring his client)

I’m sorry, Mr. Breckenridge, I’m going to have to call you back.

(hangs up phone and looks at DWIGHT pissed off)

Dwight, what the—

 

DWIGHT

(interrupting)

She was staring at you openly just now. [beat] I think she might have licked her lips too.

 

JIM

(quizzical look, but changes his tone)

Uh, I [beat] okay

(gets up and walks quickly over towards reception)

 

PAM is still concentrating on her typing, as JIM leans on her desk.

 

JIM

Uh, Pam.

 

PAM

(looks up and is surprised)

Oh!

(JIM smiles at her reaction)

Hey

(she smiles back)

 

JIM

So, quick question for you.

(strings out the first couple words)

Were you [beat] staring at me a second ago?

 

PAM

(looks at camera embarrassed, and then at JIM)

Uh, yeah I was. We need to talk, like, now.

 

JIM

(squints one side of his face a little)

Uh, okay. Did I [beat] do something wrong?

(slight worry on his face suddenly)

or not do something right?

 

PAM

(rolls her eyes a little)

No, it’s about

(pauses and looks over to the partition between her and Accounting)

uh, why don’t we…

(grabs some papers from her desk and speaks louder then is normal)

Yes, I can write that down, do you want to go to the Conference Room?

 

JIM

(looks confused and speaks under his breath)

Do I?

 

PAM

(nods)

Yes.

 

JIM

(He turns back towards the office where nobody is paying attention to them)

Yes, Pam. Let’s go [beat] dictate that memo in the Conference Room.

 

PAM gets up from her desk while JIM waits for her and they walk towards the Conference Room together, as they do, JIM continues to speak.

 

JIM (cont.)

( purposefully a little too loudly and stilted)

Important memo. Gotta get it done, get it sent off.

(PAM is giggling)

Official. Memorandum.

 

They are now both at the Conference Room and enter.

 

 

INT. Conference Room

 

PAM is still giggling and JIM is smiling as they sit down next to each other at the table. Their backs are to the door.

 

JIM

Okay, what is going on?

 

PAM

(looks at camera, but is undeterred)

You are not going to believe what happened in the break room. It was [beat]

(does ‘Pam hands’, i.e. holds her hands out in front of her and bends her fingers slightly)

Wow.

 

JIM

How bad could it have been? Dwight was at his desk.

 

PAM

No, no. Okay, so I walked in on Andy and Angela.

 

JIM

(interrupting)

I don’t want to hear this!

 

PAM

What? Oh! Gross, no, Jim. No, they were talking.

 

JIM looks at the camera and silently mouths ‘talking’ while doing air quotes.

 

PAM (cont.)

Do you want me to tell you or not?

(pauses and waits as JIM stops and pays attention)

Thank you. No, they were talking about the party, and apparently Angela wants Christian themed decorations, because [beat] I dunno she’s Angela, but then Andy suggested

(she smiles widely)

black baby Jesus decorations.

 

JIM doesn’t smile but suddenly looks thoughtful.

 

PAM (cont.)

I mean, Angela’s not racist or anything, but you should have seen the look [beat] on [beat]

(looks at JIM who is not paying attention to what she is saying, but is smiling a little)

What? Why are you smiling?

 

JIM

(smirks at PAM a little)

You are co-chair on the committee, right?

 

PAM

(nods)

Yeah. Oh god, it’s going to be awful

(shakes her head)

 

JIM

Yeah [beat] do you think you could do me a favor?

 

PAM

(looking at JIM quizzically)

Of course [beat] but what?

 

JIM smiles at PAM who continues to look confused.

 

 

 

END OF ACT TWO

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ACT THREE

INT. Conference Room

 

The Conference Room is filled with the Party Planning Committee. ANGELA sits at the head of the table, with a notepad in front of her. In clockwise rotation around the table (from the camera’s perspective at the other end) sits PAM with a notepad as well, MEREDITH, KELLY, OSCAR, and PHYLLIS. The door to the room is open.

 

ANGELA

Okay, are we all finally here?

(she glares over at Kelly)

 

KELLY

(looks at ANGELA, but is ignorant of her tone)

Sorry, I’m late. But [beat]

(said quickly and in a high pitch)

Darryl just invited me to a bed and breakfast this weekend!

 

Everyone at the table, except ANGELA, reluctantly murmurs their approval and happiness at the news.

 

KELLY (cont.)

(smiling)

I know! It’s gonna be so magical. Plus, his brat daughter isn’t coming! Isn’t that great?

 

Now, everyone sits silently and stares uncomfortably at the table or the wall, except PAM, who quickly looks at the camera. The silence goes on for several seconds.

 

ANGELA

(clears her throat nosily)

Michael had several requests for the Christmas Kwanzaa Party, because of the expanded budget.

(looks over at PAM)

 

PAM is not paying attention, but is nervously looking past OSCAR, who is on the opposite side of the table, and through the open door at JIM who is leaned up against ANDY’s desk. As the camera pans over we see that he is looking back at her.

 

ANGELA (cont.)

(impatiently)

Pam?

 

PAM looks over at ANGELA and then smiles embarrassedly.

 

PAM

Um, yeah, sorry.

(looks down at notepad)

Michael wants, uh, chocolate fondue to dip marshmallows in. A [beat] keg of Colt .45, uh, Mallomars…..

(turns notepad over)

Yeah, you know what? I think we can just skip [beat] all of that.

 

MEREDITH

(concernedly)

Uh, what about the Colt?

 

ANGELA

(glaring at her)

What about your liver?

(MEREDITH breaks eye-contact and stares at the table, while everyone sits uncomfortably)

Pam is right, Michael’s ideas are horrible.

 

Everyone at the table is still visibly uncomfortable, but a few nod their approval.

 

PAM

Yeah, so, let’s come up with some new ideas.

(kindly)

You know, ones that would be fun, and combine Christmas and Kwanzaa.

(smiles at other committee members)

 

PHYLLIS

(worriedly)

Well, I don’t meant to offend anyone…

(looks around table)

but I don’t know very much about Kwanzaa.

 

ANGELA

None of us do, Phyllis. None of us do. Which is why…

(looks down at her notepad)

we should just concentrate on the Christmas side of the party, and forget about Kwanzaa.

 

OSCAR

Well, I don’t see why we can’t do both. I don’t know very much about it either, but I’m sure we can look it up. There’s no reason to be ignorant.

(looks at ANGELA)

 

ANGELA

(looking directly at OSCAR)

I don’t think we should be ignorant.

(looks away and at the table in general)

In fact, for the Christmas part, I think we should have Christian decorations instead of Santa.

 

KELLY

(unsure)

Uh, I dunno. Santa is like, cute and cuddly, and Jesus is all like [beat] blah, you know? He’s kinda gross, with all that blood and stuff.

 

ANGELA

(visibly upset)

Your lord and savior is gross?

 

KELLY

(looks confused)

I’m Hindu.

 

ANGELA

(loud sigh)

I forgot, you believe in sex positions. My mistake.

 

KELLY looks offended and is about to say something back when PAM intervenes.

 

PAM

Um, alright, we don’t [beat] let’s just get some decorations from both holidays and combine them.

 

ANGELA

I think we should put up Christian decorations. Christmas is about the birth of baby Jesus.

 

The camera zooms in on PAM as she looks through the open door again at JIM, and then swings over to see him shaking his head no.

 

PAM

(sighs)

Uh, Angela, I think it would be best if we had [beat] no Christian decorations within the office. It could offend people, and, um, yeah, offend people.

 

ANGELA

Well, I am chairman of the committee, Pam.

 

PAM

(interrupting with a little edge)

No, you’re co-chair, with me.

 

ANGELA

I—

(pauses for a second, and then says in an eerily calm tone while turned towards PAM)

Fine Pam. If you want Christmas to be about African-Americans celebrating the fact that they got a [beat] new album from Santa, then let’s just do what you say.

 

PAM

(cheerfully to the table)

Okay, good, so does everyone agree that we should do that?

 

Everyone nods, except ANGELA.

 

PAM (cont.)

So let’s figure out what we want for decorations.

(flips open her notepad.)

 

 

 

CUT TO: Main Office, JIM and DWIGHT’s Desks

The camera watches JIM work for several seconds and DWIGHT sit staring into space. The camera then pans over to see the members of the Party Planning Committee walk out of the Conference Room. Everyone should be in relatively high spirits, KELLY especially, but not ANGELA. The camera follows PAM as she walks over to JIM.

 

JIM

(turns in his seat and half-smiles up at PAM)

How’d it go?

 

PAM

(looks over her shoulder at MICHAEL’s office door and then quickly hands JIM something that the camera doesn’t catch the detail of)

You owe me. [beat]

(more softly)

I hope this works.

 

JIM

(swivels in his chair to look at an even more despondent DWIGHT)

Yeah, I think it’s going to have to.

 

PAM

(looks over at DWIGHT and frowns)

Are you going now?

 

JIM

Yeah, we might as well, party is tomorrow, right?

 

PAM

Yeah, but, um, can you pick me up…

(looks over at camera quickly)

 

JIM

(interrupting)

Sun Chips?

 

PAM

(smiles)

Yeah! How’d you know?

 

JIM

(looks over at camera and then says quietly)

You ate the rest of them while we were watching Pushing Daisies last night.

 

PAM

(embarrassed)

Right. Yeah, okay, thanks.

(she walks over to her desk, but the camera stays on JIM)

 

JIM

(smiles, but then returns to a frown as he looks over at DWIGHT)

Uh, Dwight?

 

DWIGHT

(looks over lazily at JIM)

What?

 

JIM

I have an update on the situation…

(DWIGHT shows no recognition of what JIM is alluding to)

[beat] that we talked about in the Break Room.

 

DWIGHT

(thinks for a second but then remembers)

Yes, Jim, of course I remember.

(suddenly concerned)

Wait. Did you discuss the situation with Pam?

 

JIM

(cautiously)

Uh, yes? But I used codenames.

 

DWIGHT

(seriously)

What were they?

 

JIM

(surprised)

Oh [beat] they were [beat] Emily and Christine.

 

DWIGHT

(under his breath, but intensely)

You made me a lesbian?

 

JIM

(looks at camera)

Wha—No, um, I thought it would disguise it better.

 

DWIGHT

(shakes head)

Jim, lesbian relationships are entirely different.

 

JIM

(questioningly)

How could you possibly know that?

 

DWIGHT

I told you, I’ve studied women. I subscribe to numerous lesbeonic magazines.

 

JIM

(looks at camera, with eyebrows raised)

Uh, okay, well [beat] we’re going on a sales call, so grab your jacket.

 

ANDY

(from out of frame)

Sales call, Tuna?

 

The camera swings over to show ANDY turned in his chair looking at JIM expectantly.

 

ANDY (cont.)

You should take me. In Stamford they called me ‘The Closer’, because I was always [beat] uh…

 

JIM

(interrupting)

Closing the deal?

 

ANDY

(nods)

Exactly! See, it’s unspoken between us.

 

JIM

Yeah, [beat] you do know I worked with you in Stamford, right? So I know nobody called you that.

 

ANDY

(flustered and scrambling to defend himself)

Karen called me that sometimes.

 

JIM

(crossing his arms and taking some delight in the argument)

Yeah, no she didn’t.

 

ANDY

(a little childishly)

How would you know?

 

JIM

(cocks his head a little)

Really?

 

ANDY

(dramatically)

Fine! But, I still want to go on your sales call with you.

 

JIM

No, it’s Dwight and I. We’re, uh…

(sighs)

a team.

 

Without another word, DWIGHT gets up while staring at ANDY, followed by JIM, and they both walk over to the coat rack next to Reception. DWIGHT picks up his jacket and turns to JIM.

 

DWIGHT

I’m ready. Let’s rock this sale!

(turns and walks away towards the door.)

 

PAM

(looking at JIM)

Does he know you’re not actually going on a sales call?

 

JIM

(looks over at DWIGHT and then back to PAM)

Uh, I thought he did.

 

PAM

(smirks)

Good luck.

 

JIM

Yeah, thanks.

 

 

CUT TO: Ext. Parking Lot

DWIGHT and JIM are walking out of the building and into the parking lot. DWIGHT should be wearing the same outfit that he wore in the ‘Michael’s Birthday’ episode.

 

DWIGHT

We should take the Trans-Am it’ll be faster.

 

JIM

You don’t know where we’re going.

 

DWIGHT

(pauses to consider JIM’s words)

It’ll still be faster.

 

JIM

No, we’re not [beat] we’ll take my car. We need the storage.

 

DWIGHT

(confused)

I thought we were going on a sales call?

 

JIM

No, that was code, Dwight.

 

DWIGHT

Dammit, Jim! You are terrible with codes.

 

They are now both walking towards JIM’s car. DWIGHT gets in the back seat, while JIM shakes his head and begins to get in the driver’s side.

 

JIM

Yeah.

(closes car door)

 

 

 

 

CUT TO: INT. Accounting, ANGELA and OSCAR’s Desks

ANGELA is back at her desk, but is angrily moving around papers on her desk, and casting dirty looks at OSCAR. OSCAR is purposefully ignoring her, and is concentrating on his computer monitor. KEVIN is sitting doing nothing. Once again, the camera turns to see ANDY walking towards ANGELA’s desk.

 

ANDY

So?

 

ANGELA

(looks up, obviously in distress)

What Andy?

 

ANDY

How’d the meeting go? Did you bring up black baby Jesus?

 

At this OSCAR and KEVIN both stop and look at ANGELA, she quickly looks at them and then even more agitatedly at ANDY.

 

ANGELA

(through her teeth)

No. I did not. Apparently this year Christmas is going to be about Santa and heathenism.

 

ANDY

(pauses to consider her words)

I thought you wanted to do a Twelve Days of Christmas theme?

 

ANGELA

(taken aback slightly)

I—[beat] Do you know who Pam assigned to the Kwanzaa part of the party? Do you?!

 

 

 

CUT TO: The Annex, KELLY’s Desk

KELLY is at her desk, which has papers strewn all over it, among various fashion magazine. Of which Cosmogirl! is prominently positioned. She looks up at the camera.

 

KELLY TALKING HEAD [The Annex]

(sitting at her desk)

I have sooo much work to do. Pam put me in charge of fashion, decoration, and coordination of the Kwanzaa half of the party. I mean, I totally volunteered, because of Darryl [beat] my boyfriend.

[smiles]

I can’t wait to take him to Diwali next year. He is going to look so good.

 

PAM TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]

Yes, Kelly is in charge of the Kwanzaa decorations. Well [beat] I mean she really wanted to be, uh, for Darryl, I guess. So we took a vote on it. It, uh, [beat] was not unanimous.

(looks at the ground)

 

ANGELA TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]

(angrily)

What is the point of democracy if stupid people can overrule you? [beat] My vote should not count the same as Kelly’s. I am Chairwoman of the Party Planning Committee and she is [beat] a slut.

(mockingly)

So I guess it’s no surprise Pam put her in charge.

 

 

 

CUT TO: EXT. Lowe’s Home Improvement Store

The camera shows, at a distance, JIM and DWIGHT walking in through the front doors, and then pans up to see the ‘Lowe’s’ sign.

 

 

CUT TO: INT. Lowe’s Home Improvement Store

Seen from inside the store, JIM and DWIGHT are in the front of the store, and walk slowly towards the camera. As they walk together, they talk.

 

DWIGHT

(turns to JIM)

How is this going to help with Angela?

 

JIM

Well, I was thinking…

 

DWIGHT

(interrupting excitedly)

We build a tree condo for her cats? That’s perfect.

 

JIM

(looks confusedly at DWIGHT)

No…

 

DWIGHT

(interrupting)

You’re right. [beat]

(excitedly)

We build a pyre to my love for her on her front lawn, in the shape of a cat, and then…

 

JIM

(interrupting)

No, we’re not [beat] no. Look, Dwight, if you want to win Angela back you’ve got to show that you care about her. That you, you know, support her.

 

DWIGHT

I can do that. She’s very petite.

 

JIM

(looks at camera)

That’s not [beat] exactly what I mean.

 

JIM TALKING HEAD [Aisle of Lowe’s Home Improvement Store]

 

Well, I brought Dwight here because I thought that maybe we could find some decorations for the party that Angela would like.

 

Camera cuts away from JIM and to quick cuts of their time together in the store.

 

-DWIGHT picking up a chainsaw (not on) and showing it to the camera, and smiling manically before he turns to JIM and runs after him, who runs away.

 

-JIM and DWIGHT sitting uncomfortably close together on a bench drinking sodas.

 

-DWIGHT with the same soda, pouring some of it on a carpet, and then kneeling down to examine the stain. JIM looks up at the camera and then backs away.

 

-DWIGHT with half his body in a commercial chest freezer and then standing back up and saying something to JIM, who looks wide-eyed in response and shakes his head.

 

JIM (voice over during quick cuts)

You know, um, because Pam was telling me that she wanted some Christian ones, and not like Santa, or whatever. But [beat] I think [beat] well, have you ever seen Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? You know the part where they enter that room with the chocolate waterfall thing? Yeah…

(sigh)

it’s pretty much been like that.

 

The camera cuts back to JIM

 

JIM TALKING HEAD (cont.)

So…

 

There is a loud bang heard and the camera pans over to see DWIGHT hitting the metal shelving with a length of PVC pipe. It then zooms out slightly so that we can see JIM looking over as well. After another strike, DWIGHT looks over.

 

DWIGHT

(to the camera)

I need a new spud gun.

 

The camera pans back to JIM and zooms in.

 

JIM TALKING HEAD (cont.)

(looking away from DWIGHT and back to the camera)

Maybe we should have gone to Wal-Mart.

 

There is another bang heard, identical to the previous ones.

 

JIM smiles at the camera.

 

END OF ACT THREE

 

 

 

 

 

 

ACT FOUR

INT. The Annex

TOBY is hunched over typing at his computer. Off-camera the sound of a door opening is heard, and the camera swings over to see PAM has entered. TOBY turns around in his chair and smiles when he sees her.

 

TOBY

(happily)

Hey, Pam. What’s up?

 

PAM

(distractedly)

Hey Toby [beat] uh…

 

During and after her dialogue, PAM is looking around the Annex for something. As she does TOBY begins to look around too.

 

TOBY

(while mimicking PAM and still said happily)

Did you lose something?

 

PAM

(stops looking and smiles at TOBY)

Yeah, I did. [beat] Oh, I bet….

 

PAM turns and walks around the divider that separates TOBY and KELLY’s desks. As she does, the camera follows behind her. Once she enters the cubicle of the empty desk and KELLY’s (which she is absent from) PAM squats down. The camera looks over her shoulder to reveal JIM asleep on the floor. He is covered by a NASA blanket (looks like silver foil) and is laying his head on his jacket, which he has made into a pillow. PAM turns and looks up at the camera.

 

PAM (cont.)

(whispering)

He said he was going to take a nap two hours ago.

(looks back down at him as he snores a little, then back to the camera with a smile)

I feel a little bad about waking him up [beat] but not that badly.

 

She reaches out and pats his arm.

 

PAM (cont.)

(in a sing-song voice)

Jim…Jim.

 

JIM opens his eyes and looks at PAM confusedly for a second, but then moans and covers his face with his hand.

 

JIM

(groggily)

What?

 

PAM

C’mon, you’ve got to get up.

 

JIM

(pulls the NASA blanket over his shoulders and turns away from the camera)

Do you know what time I got here this morning?

 

PAM

(sigh)

Yes.

 

JIM

Alright then.

 

PAM

Jim, the party is starting.

 

JIM doesn’t move or say anything in response.

 

PAM (cont.)

(teasingly, but with some conviction)

You know, the one your girlfriend helped to plan. The same one who did you a favor.

 

JIM

(turns underneath the blanket, which is up to his nose, and looks up at PAM)

Fine.

(sits up so that he is eye-level with PAM, pushes the blanket off himself, and runs a hand through his sleep-shaped hair)

[beat] but only because I promised I’d give Dwight back his NASA blanket by four.

(smiles challengingly at PAM)

 

 

CUT TO: INT.Conference Room

The Conference Room is decorated for the Kwanzaa Christmas party. Colored Christmas lights line the wall, along with various cutouts of reindeer, Santa Claus, and streamers the colors of Kwanzaa (red, green, and black). The table had various dishes, bowls, and plates of food on it. In the middle is a set of seven candles in a holder. KELLY’s back is to the camera, as she arranges things. MICHAEL is standing behind her, and looking over her shoulder. He turns around and looks at the camera.

 

MICHAEL

(grandly)

Hello, and welcome to Kwazmas! It’s the most diversified time of the year. So…

(turns back to KELLY and the table)

our own Kelly Kapoor…

(KELLY turns around to face the camera)

is stirring the melting pot here. And, um, why don’t you give them the tour?

KELLY

(a little surprised)

Oh, okay. Well…

(turns back towards the table, and the camera moves towards the table and next to her)

Angela made brownies, and um, Phyllis made sugar cookies.

 

MICHAEL

(interrupting)

No, Kelly, what about the traditional Kwanzzian African-American cuisine?

 

KELLY

(nods her head)

Oh yeah! Okay, so I brought in chicken wings, and ranch dip. Also, there are some cheesy-curls, and roast beef for sandwiches.

(turns to camera and smiles)

 

MICHAEL

(confused)

Kelly [beat] when I researched this it didn’t say anything about chicken wings.

 

KELLY

Oh.

 

KELLY TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]

 

I asked Darryl like twenty times what black people ate to celebrate their heritage. But, he was all like, ‘stop asking me that, I don’t know’ or whatever. So I just brought stuff that I know he eats.

(nervously)

I hope that he likes it.

 

MICHAEL

Alright, well, what about this mn-men-aura here?

(points to the seven candles in the holder)

 

KELLY

Um, that’s a symbol of Kwanzaa. [beat] Each candle is like, a different black virtue.

 

MICHAEL

(nodding)

Alright, okay. So, what are the

(turns to camera)

African-American virtues?

 

KELLY

Oh [beat] I’m not sure.

 

MICHAEL lowers his head disappointedly.

 

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD [Michael’s Office]

 

Okay, I am not going to say something mean about Kelly. [beat] That would be a hate crime. But why must people in this office be so white [beat] or Hindu? You know? I am trying to bring a little color, uh, no pun intended, into their lives, and what do they do? They bring in cheesy-curls!

(sighs dramatically)

It’s times like this I wish I could still do my Chris Rock impression. Really enlighten these people.

(looks at camera despondently)

 

 

CUT TO: INT. Main Office

 

The Main Office is also decorated for the Kwanzaa Christmas party. There are red, green, and black streamers (same as the Conference Room), a Christmas tree (decorated with large colored outside lights, popcorn-strings, and silver garland) and electric taped to the Conference Room window are white tube socks with each employees name written on strips of the same electric tape in silver Sharpie. It should be obvious that each sock has something in it (with PAM’s being especially noticeable). Next to Reception is a table that has a bowl of punch, other bottles of alcohol, and cups. Though it is somewhat indistinct, Kanye West music can also be heard.

 

After taking in the scene from multiple angles, the camera settles on the Christmas tree, where CREED and OSCAR are standing next to each other, each with a cup in hand.

 

CREED

(looking down into his cup and then up to OSCAR)

What is this?

 

OSCAR

(leans forward and looks into the cup)

Punch?

 

While OSCAR is examining the contents of the cup and talking, CREED rips a couple pieces of popcorn off of their strings on the Christmas tree and eats them. OSCAR looks back up in time to see him munching on it, and looks at the string, and then to the camera.

 

 

CREED TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]

I celebrate Kwanzaa every year [beat] it’s my way of sticking it to Whitey. He controls everything, music, auto repair, soup, Mexico [beat] everything. So that’s why every Kwanzaa I make love to a beautiful African goddess named Lisa.

(lowers his voice conspiratorially to camera)

She costs three unemployment checks, but it’s worth it.

 

OSCAR TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]

(shockingly to camera)

Did he just eat popcorn off the Christmas tree?!

 

 

CUT TO: INT. Conference Room

The room is the same as it was before, except the people have changed. KEVIN is at the table loading up a plate with food, KELLY is happily picking at the various plates and dishes, and ANGELA is unhappily glaring at the table.

 

KEVIN

(turns to ANGELA)

Happy Kwanzaa, Angela. They’ve got chicken wings.

(holds up chicken wing to ANGELA, who frowns)

 

ANGELA

Yes, I see that Kevin. African-Americans must be very proud. And Merry Christmas to you.

 

KEVIN pushes past her, plate fully loaded with food, and out the door. Meanwhile, ANGELA moves closer to KELLY so that they are side by side at the table.

 

ANGELA (cont.)

Well, I hope you’re happy with yourself.

 

KELLY

(looking over at ANGELA)

Huh?

 

ANGELA

You have ruined Christmas. For the sacred birth of our Lord and Savior you have brought roast beef, cheesy-curls, and chicken.

 

KELLY

(unfazed and slightly defensively)

Um, yeah. That’s way better than what those three guys brought, right? Like, what is myrrh? I don’t even know.

 

ANGELA

(hissed)

One of them brought gold.

 

KELLY

Oh my God, really? I wished I had gotten gold when I was born. That would have been awesome. Like a necklace or something [beat]

 

ANGELA glares at KELLY openly

 

KELLY (cont.)

Maybe a tiny bracelet? Oh! When I have babies, I’m totally getting them a gold medical bracelet, so they don’t have to wear one of those that the hospital gives them.

 

ANGELA begins to say something, but then makes a sound of anger and turns on her heel and leaves the room quickly. KELLY shrugs and turns back to the table.

 

 

CUT TO: INT. Main Office

 

The camera is in front of the Conference Room window (the blinds are closed), where the socks are taped to the glass. PAM and JIM are standing next to each other and examining them.

 

PAM

(excitedly)

I wonder what’s in your sock?

 

JIM

(attempts to mat down his bed head, again)

Hmmm. I asked Santa for a Wii

(pats sock and looks at PAM)

I don’t know. Maybe.

 

PAM

(laughs)

Well, I asked for a new sketchpad.

 

JIM

(interrupting)

Really?

 

PAM

Yes, really. I mentioned it to Santa quite a few times, actually.

 

JIM makes a mock-worried face at PAM.

 

JIM

Yikes, I hope he got the message. He is pretty busy this time of year.

 

PAM

(genuinely)

Yeah, well [beat] I’m sure whatever he got me, I’ll love it.

 

JIM

(looks at PAM’s sock and then rips it off the wall)

Well, we don’t have to wait!

 

PAM

(interrupting)

Jim!

(looks at camera quickly)

 

She attempts to reach for the sock, but JIM holds it above her head where she can’t get it.

 

JIM

No, no, Pam. I hope Santa fit a sketchpad in there. Let’s see.

(reaches into the sock and retrieves a cut-out of paper, a three-pack of crayons, and a DVD of Titanic. He holds them in front of PAM)

 

PAM

(hesitantly, but smiling)

What [beat] are those?

 

JIM

(assuredly)

Oh, well. This…

(hands her crayons)

is a three-pack of crayons that you get with a Children’s menu. So, you know, art is covered….

(hands her Titanic DVD)

this is Titanic [beat] and I’m not sure…

 

PAM

(interrupting)

Oh, that scene with the sketching.

 

JIM looks at her confusedly.

 

PAM (cont.)

You know, with Kate Winslet topless.

 

JIM

(nods)

Oh right. Yeah.

 

PAM shakes her head in mock disapproval.

 

JIM (cont.)

Anyway, and this is…

(looks down at cut out of paper)

an article from Cosmo titled “10 Ways to Get Him Into Bed”

 

PAM immediately looks at the camera and blushes. JIM notices.

 

JIM (cont.)

Though this is from Michael, so it should probably be “10 Ways To Get Him Onto His Futon.”

 

PAM

(laughs)

Oh, gross, no.

(smiles)

Let’s do yours!

 

Just as PAM is about to reach for JIM’s sock, ANGELA storms out of the Conference Room, and they both watch her as she briskly walks past them and towards the break room.

 

PAM (cont.)

(sighs)

Is it four-thirty yet?

 

JIM

(looks down at his watch)

Uh, yeah, close enough.

(smiles)

Good luck.

 

PAM

You owe me.

 

JIM

Well, it isn’t Christmas yet, so if you want that sketchpad….

 

PAM

(walking away towards the Break Room)

Yeah, yeah.

 

 

CUT TO: INT. Break Room

 

 

ANGELA is sitting alone in the room, at the corner table. We can see that she is holding a handkerchief and sobbing gently into it. The door opens, and PAM walks in with a glance at the camera, which is stationed behind the window and blinds. When she sees the condition that ANGELA is in, she takes a fortifying breath and stops in the middle of the room.

 

PAM

Uh, hey Angela.

 

ANGELA

(lifts the handkerchief away from her face)

Hey.

 

PAM walks the remaining distance from the middle of the room to the table where ANGELA is, and sits down opposite from her.

 

PAM

(softly)

What’s wrong?

 

ANGELA

(after a second)

Christmas is ruined. I-

(sniffles into her handkerchief)

I just wanted a nice Christmas, and people [beat] nobody understands.

 

PAM

What about Andy?

 

ANGELA

Ugh. His idea of Christmas is black baby Jesus and acapella. You know he wants me to go caroling with him? Do you know how dangerous that is?

 

PAM

Um, no.

 

ANGELA

Just going to stranger’s homes! Knocking on the door! We’ll be murdered for sure.

 

PAM

(wide-eyed look at the camera, and then back to ANGELA)

Okay, well [beat] I came in here because I need your help.

 

ANGELA

(scoffs)

What now?

 

PAM

Um, I was up on the roof a couple minutes ago [beat] and I heard a cat meowing, but I couldn’t find it. It’s really cold [beat] I’m afraid it’s going to freeze.

 

ANGELA

(immediately serious)

How did it sound?

 

PAM

(unsure)

Like it was going to freeze.

 

ANGELA

(gets up quickly from the table)

How would a cat get up on the roof?

 

PAM

(gets up as well)

The ventilation system?

 

ANGELA

(worriedly)

God, poor thing. Come on.

 

ANGELA and PAM both dash out of the Break Room.

 

 

CUT TO: INT. Main Office

 

The camera shows PAM and ANGELA walking very briskly from the back of the office, towards the front door. While they walk fast, both look around to see if they are arousing any suspicion. They don’t, except for JIM who smiles when PAM passes him. They both grab their coats from the coat rack and leave the office.

 

 

CUT TO: INT. Stair Well

ANGELA and PAM are both in their coats and in the building’s stair well. As they climb, they talk, and the camera follows behind them frantically.

 

ANGELA

How did the meowing sound?

 

PAM

Um, it [beat] distressed? That’s why I need your help, you know so much about cats, I don’t.

 

ANGELA

Yes, I do. [beat] Ash is doing very well by the way.

 

PAM

Oh that’s [beat] good. I’m glad.

 

ANGELA

Mmm-hmm.

 

They ascend another floor in silence.

 

ANGELA (cont.)

Why were you on the roof?

 

PAM

Uh [beat] I was smoking.

 

ANGELA sighs. Neither woman says anything more until they get to the top floor and the roof door.

 

ANGELA

(seriously)

Let me handle this Pam. Cats can be very fragile. They need somebody to speak to them with love, but also authority, and [beat] that’ s not you. So…

 

PAM

(interrupting impatiently)

Yeah, okay. Just open the door, Angela.

 

ANGELA glares for a second, but then opens the door and walks through. Behind her, PAM waits until ANGELA is through the door and then closes it shut.

 

PAM (cont.)

(looks at camera)

It’s okay, Dwight has the key.

 

 

 

CUT TO: EXT. Office Roof

 

The Office Roof is seen through a zoom from the closest building. It is decorated with a life-sized Nativity Scene or Crèche, illuminated softly by the lights of a replica Star of Bethlehem which is situated on a pole a dozen or so feet above the scene itself. Additional lighting comes from the orange streetlights that surround the building. DWIGHT stands next to the baby Jesus, while ANGELA remains next to the door.

 

DWIGHT

Merry Christmas Angela.

 

ANGELA

Mer-Merry Christmas Dwight. [beat] Is there a cat up here?

 

DWIGHT

No, I—that was a lie.

 

ANGELA

(crosses her arms)

I see.

 

DWIGHT

I’m sorry.

 

ANGELA

Aren’t you always?

 

DWIGHT

Please, Monkey, I—

(looks around at the decorations)

I did this all for you. I wanted you to have a real Christmas.

 

ANGELA

Yes, well, you [beat] didn’t need to.

 

DWIGHT takes several steps towards ANGELA.

DWIGHT

(seriously)

Andy told me.

 

ANGELA

(apprehensively)

Told you what?

 

DWIGHT

About what you said [beat] about what you say when he kisses your neck.

 

ANGELA

(very flustered)

I don’t [beat] he wouldn’t discuss…

 

DWIGHT

(interrupting)

He told me you say ‘D’.

 

ANGELA is obviously surprised at his, and reaches back into her pocket for her handkerchief.

 

DWIGHT (cont.)

(looking at her handkerchief and said softly)

You still have my handkerchief?

 

ANGELA

(pulling it away from her face)

You must have left it at my place.

 

DWIGHT

(nods)

Monkey, I miss you, and…

(pauses to think for a moment, and takes a breath)

I support you. In everything. In Christmas, with your cats..

 

ANGELA

(quietly interrupts)

You hate them. I know you do.

 

DWIGHT

(emotionally)

I’m sorry about Sprinkles. What I did was wrong. I’m just [beat] please forgive me. I love you, and I don’t want to spend Christmas without you [beat] and with Mose.

 

ANGELA

(crying)

I just—I don’ t know

(sobs)

Andy.

 

DWIGHT

I am better than Andy.

(determinedly)

I am stronger, faster,

(thinks for a second and softens a little)

I support you more. He doesn’t care about what you want, not like I do.

 

ANGELA and DWIGHT stand a couple feet apart for five or six seconds looking at each other in the glow of the Star of Bethlehem, and then suddenly, ANGELA runs the distance between them and hugs him.

 

DWIGHT

I love you Monkey.

 

As they embrace, DWIGHT lifts ANGELA off the ground so that he is hugging her and supporting her at the same time.

 

 

CUT TO: INT. Main Office

PAM and JIM are leaned up on opposite sides of the doorframe that leads to the kitchen. They are both watching the party.

 

JIM

So, how do you think they’re doing?

 

PAM

(thoughtfully)

Mmm, Angela isn’t going to be easy to crack.

 

JIM

(nods)

Well, I can’t carry another Nativity Scene up that many flights of stairs at five in the morning again. [beat] Plus, I gave Dwight some pretty good lines.

 

PAM

(looks over at JIM suspiciously)

So you’re saying you could pick up Angela if you wanted to?

 

JIM

(smiles and opens up his arms to PAM, who shuffles over slightly and leans into his embrace, and says with some joviality)

No, I’ve got everything I want right here.

 

PAM

(leans back into him a little)

Mmm-hmm. Yeah, well, I’ve got everything I want too [beat] except a sketchpad.

 

JIM

(laughs)

You seemed very worried about this sketchpad.

 

PAM

I am…

 

JIM

(interrupting)

And a lot less worried about what’s going to hold it up.

 

PAM turns around in his embrace, and smiles widely.

 

PAM

(excitedly)

You didn’t!

 

JIM

(innocently)

What? Get you an easel with your name engraved on it? Oh, uh, yeah, I did.

 

PAM reaches up and kisses JIM and then hugs him.

 

PAM

(softly)

Merry Christmas.

 

JIM

(smiles and puts his head down on top of hers)

Merry Christmas.

 

END OF ACT FOUR

TAG

 

INT. Main Office

 

Everyone else has left the office, except for TOBY, who is standing in front of the Conference Room window, where only his tube sock remains. Before he reaches for it he looks around and doesn’t notice the camera. He pulls it off the wall and dumps the contents into his hand, two charcoal briquettes.

 

TOBY

(despondently)

It’s not even real coal.

END OF EPISODE