From: Pbees@dundermifflin.com
To: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com
Subject: Argentina 

Help! I am dying over here. There is nothing to do, and I am bored, and if I don’t find something to do soon, Michael may find me something to do and then I’m screwed, you know? I need your help!! GAH!

What kind of Jello do you have for lunch today? There, that’s my conversation starter. I am lame, I know.

WRITE BACK NOW!!!!!

-Pam

From: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com
To: Pbees@dundermifflin.com
Subject: Norway 

Well, Beesly, you’re in luck because here, across the room from reception, is where true creativity and genius lie. You should have asked me for help sooner, I would have been happy to oblige.

First and foremost, Jello is not a conversation starter, but I have lime. It’s very good. What flavor of mixed berry yogurt do you have today?

I’ve got a game for us to play. It’s called 21 Questions. Not the kind you played when you were a kid and the object was zebra and you asked if it was gaseous, solid or liquid. These are 21 different questions you must answer fully. Besides, the game you’re thinking of was 20 questions. Anyway.

Here are the directions of the game.

1)      Person One (Halpert) will ask the first question to Person Two (Beesly). Beesly must respond to this question in her next email truthfully, detailed, and quickly.

2)      Upon reading Beesly’s response, Halpert must then accept or deny her response and present his own answer. Once receiving Halpert’s answer, Beesly may ask question two.

 Here are the rules of the game.

1)      You may not skip your turn, borrow questions from Google, or misspell a question.

2)      You must answer all questions asked, and you must do so completely truthfully.

3)      You must keep all answers to all questions confidential.

4)      The questions must get increasingly more personal.

5)      You must only play this game with THE Jim Halpert.

Do you accept these terms, rules, and the challenge of losing at this beloved game? If so, respond appropriately.

From: Pbees@dundermifflin.com
To: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com
Subject: Croatia 

Beesly accepts and awaits her first question with trepidation.

From: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com
To: Pbees@dundermifflin.com
Subject: New Zealand 

Question One: If you could be any superhero, who would you be, what would your secret powers be, and which evil villains would you defeat. Your answer must answer all of the above, as well as provide a story in which you, as your superhero, does all of the above. Bonus points if you can provide a drawing.

From: Pbees@dundermifflin.com
To: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com
Subject: Italy 

If I could be any superhero, I would be The Explode-able Narcissist Rain Woman. My secret powers are indeed my awesomeness: Not only can I explode at will, but I am in love with myself and can control the weather. My arch nemesis is The Sempai Beet, a man that looks like a boy and has beets for feet and arms, but somehow manages to perform martial arts tactics at will. Sometimes, his beet hands and beet feet fall apart, but he always manages to grow them back by drinking the juice that comes from the beets. I would defeat him, of course, as well as Batman, because who doesn’t want to defeat Batman?

It’s funny I am telling you this because it is confidential, top-secret information. You see, just last night The Explode-able Narcissist Rain Woman actually defeated both The Sempai Beet and Batman in a battle on top of Alfredo’s Pizza Café (yes, Donatello, Leonardo, Raphael and Michelangelo were there eating pizza). See, The Sempai Beet had decided to pick a fight with The Explode-able Narcissist Rain Woman because she was so beautiful and he was so… not. So anyway, The Explode-able Narcissist Rain Woman hated The Sempai Beet, so she changed the weather to a burning temperature of 298 degrees, which, if you didn’t know, causes the prize vegetables beets to melt. This caused The Sempai Beet to melt, and although his mouth tried to drink up the juice, The Explode-able Narcissist Rain Woman used the beet juice to fuel her awesome transportation vehicle—an oversized Slinky. While she was riding the Slinky downtown after defeating The Sensai Beet, she ran into Batman. He took one look at her and fell dead because she was drop dead gorgeous. Then she exploded to cover up the evidence.

Also, see attachment. It is a picture of me, Dwight (The Sempai Beet) and Batman fighting. Notice Dwight is holding his Bobblehead—it was his only weapon and it also melted in the fire.

To: Pbees@dundermifflin.com
From: JHalp@dundermifflin.com
Subject: Porn 

Wow, Beesly! I have to hand it to you, photo-shopping Dwight’s face into the beet man costume you designed is pretty dang awesome… But, am I correct when I say you were NOT photo-shopped in? Do you really own an explode-able, narcissistic poncho? NICE! Overall, I’d give your superhero a 7 out of 10. Acceptable.

I am Pooperman. Pooperman is gangsta. He’s just awesome. His outfit is green and light brown streaks with holes around every orifice. This is because Pooperman’s greatest physical strength is his ability to shoot all kinds of poop from every orifice in his body, as well as many other parts. His poop comes in all textures, states, and sizes. His greatest abilities are his range, flexibility, adaptability, and fiber intake. He shoots with 99 percent accuracy and has yet to miss a target. He blends in with surroundings, and is an expert at identifying new smells and creating concoctions for new fart stench.

Pooperman’s greatest enemy villains are without a doubt Vomitinator and Snotster. These two villains have worked together for years trying to defeat Pooperman. The first thing they did was create toilet paper, thereby declaring that there could be at least minimal defeat over Pooperman. However, Pooperman checked the stats and is aware that he affects people of all ages, every day, sometimes even four or five times, by making them poop. Why should Vomitinator and Snotster be so confident that they will win when Pooperman’s greatest strength is his stronghold over all Americans? They poop because he told them to.

One day at a Red Sox game (The Sox won),Vomitinator noticed a man having to leave the stands to go poop after eating nine hot dogs. Vomitinator was furious he couldn’t make the man vomit, so he followed the man, looking for Pooperman. He called his trusty sidekick Snotster through a message transmitting device known as a BlackBerry, and the two of them rushed around to find Pooperman. They found him rescuing small children from burning buildings and cats from trees.

Vomitinator and Snotster were mad, and Snotster sent flying pieces of phlegm and mucus. Vomitinator threw up some chunks of breakfast at Pooperman, but Pooperman couldn’t retaliate as he was holding a small, scorched child in his arms. When he set the child down, he put his hand out and shot green, runny diarrhea at Snotster’s face. The snot and the poop did not mix well, and Snotster blew up, boogers shooting out of him!

And then, there were two. Poopster and Vomitinator were at it again, fighting to the death. They were each spraying their respective weapons: diarrhea and vomit, when Poopster saw the perfect opportunity. He changed the control settings on his arm (they’re like Buzz Lightyear’s) to “Dog Turd” and blasted four dog turds right at Vomitinator’s face, crushing his nose and sending one into his throat, blocking the uptake of vomit. The vomit settled inside of him and was leaking out of his nose, causing a severe burn and pain that killed him!

Pooperman is still living, walking around your offices, homes, schools, playgrounds, and grocery stores.

 From: Pbees@dundermifflin.com
To: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com
Subject: WTF? 

EWWWWWWWW! You are so disgusting. 9 out of 10. Very nice. Pooperman. Very original and very Jim-like. VERY entertaining.

You ready for #2? I expect an answer within 24 hours. Can you stand up to the pressure?

From: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com
To: Pbees@dundermifflin.com
Subject: It’s a turd! It’s a plane! It’s Pooperman! 

Bring it on, Beesly! The Pooperman is ready.

From: Pbees@dundermifflin.com

To: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com

Subject: Fical Matter

Okay, Question Two: I need a comprehensive list of all of your nicknames. I want to know which one you think is the worst nickname, how it was given to you, why it was given to you, where it was given to you, by whom it was given to you, and pretty much anything else surrounding this nickname. It must be detailed and amusing.

From: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com

To: Pbees@dundermifflin.com

Subject: Barf

Oh wow. Tough question, Beesly. And definitely a bit more personal than the Superhero question. I’m going to have to think about this one.

My nicknames are as follows:

1.      Jim

2.      Jimmy

3.      Hal

4.      Big Tuna

5.      Jimster

6.      Jello

7.      Jimbo

8.      Halpert

9.      Fat Halpert

10.  Jim Bag

11.  Big Haircut

12.  Large Tuna

13.  Jiminy Cricket

14.  Slim Jim

15.  Jimp

16.  Halp

17.  Jimmercock

18.  JimJim

19.  Jimsaw

20.  J-bone

21.  J-cock

22.  Jimmer

23.  Jimbles

24.  Jimbroni

The winner, of course, is Jimbles. You probably don’t know what it means, but basically, it’s a code word for you know… Well, it was given to me by a teacher of mine in 9th grade. My male basketball coach… He came in the locker room while I was changing and said, “Woah! Jimbles!” and it scarred me for life. All of the guys kept calling me jimbles, thinking it was funny that my name fit in with the slang word for, well you know.

From: Pbees@dundermifflin.com

To: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com
Subject: Stars 

Well, I’m sorry to hear that, however, this is not acceptable. You never mentioned exactly what Jimbles were. You have to be explicit in this game, you know. Because of that, I demand not only the ‘jimbles’ definition, but also the answer to the same question in relationship to the nickname “J-bone.” You have 12 minutes. 

From: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com
To: Pbees@dundermifflin.com
Subject: You suck 

Beesly! That’s so not fair! You knew what I was talking about!! I gave you more than enough information. You suck. Jimbles= My genitals.  Happy?  I bet I’m all red now. Okay, so J-bone. Also from Urban Dictionary. It means someone who has sex with a lot of women. Well, my girlfriend gave it to me… God, I can’t believe I’m typing this stuff out to you. You’re going to get me fired! So, it went around school that I’d looked up with this cheerleader on the squad named Amanda while I was still dating my high school girlfriend Brittany. I’m not telling you what the truth was, but Brittany and I went out on a date one night and she… Gosh, Pam, I hate you. We were in my car fooling around and she pulled my pants off and started examining me and I guess I curve a bit so she called me a J-bone because I wasn’t exactly limp at the time…. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. 

From: Pbees@dundermifflin.com
To: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com
Subject: Limp Jimp 

There’s your next nickname, Limp Jimp. Wow, I had no idea you were such a dirty boy. I am really glad we’re doing this over email because I would never be able to talk to you when you said all of that stuff. I’m glad to know your Jimbles work… And your face is SOOO red. You must be embarrassed. J Man, I don’t even know what to do. I was just kidding about not accepting your first answer. That’s got to be a 9, as well. And now I guess you want my list, with my names. 

1.      Pam

2.      Pammy

3.      Pam-Pam

4.      Pama lama ding dong

5.      Pam, Pam, Thank you ma’am

6.      Pamburger

7.      Beesly

8.      Pamera

9.      Pam-M-S

10.  Ampay

11.  Christmas Pam

12.  Candided Pams

13.  Pamchop

14.  Pamcasso

15.  Pam job

16.  Pam pong

17.  Pamani

18.  Pamf

19.  Beese

20.  Beesl

21.  Beeshe

22.  Peanut Butter

23.  PB

24.  Pamgasm

25.  Spamster

26.  Pamties

27.  Pamcakes

Let’s go with either Pammy or Pamgasm. Pammy because Roy made it up, and I don’t like it because I’m not a parrot or a two-year old. But the real winner, of course, is Pamgasm.

Pamgasm was given to me the third time I had sex. I’d faked it, and of course, Roy hadn’t caught on. He kept calling my “orgasm” a “pamgasm” and thought it was hilarious, the play on words. Then he went around and told everyone that pamgasms were louder and better than orgasms. So, depending on how well he performed, I either had an orgasm or a pamgasm. What makes this nickname so horribly dreadful is that he was in this club called Interact in high school and they were in charge of making our Powder Puff jerseys and he put “Pamgasm” on the back of mine. My parents came to the game and nearly died.

My face is red, I just know it. And Dwight’s looking at me. GROSS!!!! Okay, please ask a more mild question. That was a stupid move on my part.

From: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com
To: Pbees@dundermifflin.com
Subject: Pamcakes! 

I love Pancakes! I was thrilled to see that one of your nicknames incorporates their awesomeness. As for Pamgasm… Roy’s an idiot. Although it is kind of funny to me that you have your own nickname for when you fake an orgasm. Man, the irony. Does your pamgasm sound like Meg Ryan’s megasm? So you tell me I have to make this next one easy on you, eh? I guess I can do that. But right now it’s 4:58, and I don’t want to send it to you just yet because then you’d have to stay late to respond seeing as it’s Friday and you’re not coming in tomorrow… I’m not that mean, am I? 

From: Pbees@dundermifflin.com
To: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com
Subject: You’re wonderful! 

Really, you are! I’m not just saying that because its one minute to five and you’re letting me go…. Okay, maybe I am, but still. 

Oh, and Meg’s is better.

See you Monday! I’m going to go try and get un-embarassed!

To: Pbees@dundermifflin.com

From: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com

Subject: Hairspray

Good morning Starshine!

Before we continue on with our game, I’d like to know how your weekend was. It’s not one of my questions, it’s just friendly banter. Mine was good. I went roller skating on Saturday through the park. Have you ever seen those chick flicks where the couple is roller skating and there’s a kid with an ice cream cone in the way or an old lady walking her dog, or a stick on the ground and the couple goes plunging into the lake? I want you to know, this never happens in real life. It was a perfectly fine day of roller skating down the path. No harm, no foul.

I went to brunch on Sunday morning, which I’m sure you think is ultra girly, but hey, what can you do? My girlfriend’s mother invited us, and so we had a rousing brunch complete with pizza, beer, bagels, and bagel bites. What other kind of brunch is there? And by my girlfriend, I mean Mark. And by his mother, I mean our dog, Sparky.

How was your weekend, Starshine?

From: Pbees@dundermifflin.com

To: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com

Subject: Sex on a beach

Thank you for the update on your weekend. I’m glad you had fun rollerblading with your hand. And your brunch sounds just splendid! Did you have it at the country club?

My weekend was relatively boring. Well, except not.

Believe it or not, I actually saw you rollerblading this weekend. I also saw you wipe out. It’s really not that hard, Jim. It’s all about gliding. And not putting your toe down. Didn’t you ever see The Cutting Edge? Toepick is no good! And yet, somehow, you managed to wipe out, and even on flat surfaces. You sure are a masculine, athletic type of a man.

I drew trees and flowers this weekend for my art class. Did I tell you that I started my art class this weekend? Our first assignment was to go to the park and draw a scene. That’s how I saw you. You crashed into my scene. Oh well. Don’t worry, you didn’t make it into my drawing, and no, you may not see it.

Other than that I saw a movie this weekend.  Crap, what was it called… Oh, yeah.. It was that new one with the talking fish. I don’t remember. I saw it with my niece, who loved it, of course. So, my weekend was good.

And oh my gosh, you won’t believe what Michael said to me today! He came in and I was sitting here, and he called me Pampon. As in, tampon. Can I change my answer to question two, please? Oh, and what’s better is, his sentence was this: Hey Pampon, need a tampon? And then he smiled that weird grin he does when he thinks he’s being funny and threw a box of tampons at me.

This is going to be a long week.

From: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com

To: Pbees@dundermifflin.com

Subject: Cow utters

You saw me rollerblading and you didn’t say ‘hi’? What kind of friend are you anyway? Geez, Bees. You could have at least come rollerblading with me and my hand! Three’s company!

I’m glad you saw the talking fish movie.

Pampons? Thank you for telling me about feminine hygiene. That’s just gross, Pam. GROSS. Hope they come in handy.

Okay, you’re ready for Question Three? Here it is: I need to know your favorite book, song, movie, quote, and color. And not just listed, tell me why. Or at least provide me some reasoning behind it.

From: Pbees@dundermifflin.com

To: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com

Subject: Rubber Ducky, you’re the one!

Man. I know it’s like, past lunch time and I am just now emailing you back, but give me a break. You asked like five questions in one. So it takes a while longer.

My favorite book is The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Steven Chbosky. It’s really good! I read it in high school and basically it’s these letters from this freshman kid Charlie to a random person. He just picks someone out of a phonebook and writes them letters and it’s the collection of letters. It’s got lots of sex and drug references, and I just love it!! It’s like a little snippet of life.

My favorite song is “Vienna” by Billy Joel. I first heard it when I was watching 13 Going On 30 and it just kinda hit me. Its all about slowing down and not moving too fast and just kinda taking life as it comes and having dreams but not daydreaming. You should google the lyrics. I just love it. I found it back when I was with He Who Will Not Be Named (Roy) and it rang true so yeah. There’s that.

My favorite movie, I don’t feel like you deserve to know that. You cut me off before I could tell everyone outside when we had the fire a few years ago. Okay, fine. My favorite movie is The Wizard of Oz. C’mon. If I only had a heart!! Plus, it’s so different from the book and I like it so much better! And it has flying monkeys. Come on, Jim.

My favorite quote? You don’t know it? That’s what she said, of course. No, it’s “suck it” and Abraham Lincoln said it right before he shot Napoleon. Yep, Michael told me. Okay, so really, my favorite quote is by Ghandi and it’s “be the change you wish to be in the world” because it’s artistic and I like it and it makes me want to be good and happy and filled with pizza. Because the world should be good and happy and filled with pizza.

My favorite color? Are you kidding? I think you know this one. How could you not? It’s yellow. Not bright yellow, and not cheese yellow, and definitely NOT smokers’ teeth yellow. A light, pale yellow that you could paint your room. Baby blanket yellow. And I like it because it makes me happy. It’s just a happy color.

So, suck on that Halpert. LAME question.

From: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com
To: Pbees@dundermifflin.com
Subject: Vienna waits for you 

First off, it’s 4:45, so by the time you read this it will be tomorrow morning. So, happy morning. Hope you had a good night. If everything goes as planned, I will have had pizza for dinner last night, some ice cream, and watched some crappy movie on TV. 

Now, as far as your answers go. I printed out your lyrics of the song that describes you, and okay, Beesly, I’ll give it to you, but only because I like The Perks Of Being A Wallflower, so that redeemed your poor choice for a song… I mean, yeah, the lyrics are wishy-washy and girly and definitely song club material, but please, Bees, grow some jimbles. 

Your book is acceptable. More than. I love that book. 

Your movie is also classic. And acceptable. Not as good as Dazed and Confused in my opinion, but still. It wasn’t in your desert island list, so that’s alright with me. 

The Ghandi quote is sap. Did you google that? I feel like Ghandi has got to be the choice of EVERYONE. I mean, didn’t he starve? 

And then the color. Yep. I knew it. But I have to test to make sure you’re being truthful. 

So, overall, acceptable answer. 

From: Pbees@dundermifflin.com
To: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com
Subject: If you only had a brain 

You are so strange. I’m glad you had fun with your hand and your pizza and your cold beer and your Lifetime movie last night. Thanks for telling me—I really want to know how pathetic your existence is. Although, I did the same thing. I have an excuse though. It’s called a vagina.  

Didn’t you forget something?

From: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com
To: Pbees@dundermifflin.com
Subject: Re: If you only had a brain 

Thank you for the lesson in human anatomy and gender differences. I forgot my answers. Sorry. 

Song: The Oscar Mayer Weiner Song. It’s so freaking catchy!!!! And cmon, we all want to be an Oscar Mayer Weiner! 

Book: The Bible. Just kidding. Making fun of Angela. Umm… Curious George Goes Shopping. 

Quote: “Where is the bathroom?” –Ghandi 

Movie: A Kid in King Arthur’s Court 

Color: Black. 

From: Pbees@dundermifflin.com
To: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com
Subject: We’re playing a game, and it’s called… 

BULLSHIT! 

From: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com
To: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com
Subject: Damn! You caught me! 

Damn, you caught me! I feel like a fourteen year old boy with his hand under a sheet when his mother walks in. 

My favorite book is I am America! (and so can you!) by Stephen Colbert. Because it’s written by Stephen Colbert. 

My favorite song (at the moment) is California Stars, by Wilco. Just cause I love Wilco and this is my favorite Wilco song, so there we go. 

Quote… Hmm. I know I teased you about being sappy, but it’s from a poem called Desiderata by Max Ehrmann and it’s “With all it’s sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it’s still a beautiful world.” It reminds me of a girl I used to like and how she broke my heart but life is still good, so I guess I like it. Maybe I wouldn’t have had I not come into it at the right time, but I did, and so I like it. 

Movie. Say Anything. Definitely. Have you seen it? It’s amazing. I think I’ll go buy it today. 

Color: Okay, so it’s really green. Not a dark green or a bright green, but a hazelish green… Like the color of your eyes. That’s my favorite color. Green! 

From: Pbees@dundermifflin.com
To: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com
Subject: California Stars! WHOO! 

Okay, so I have never heard California Stars, I have never read the Stephen Colbert book, I have never read Desiderata, I have never seen Say Anything, and I have never seen the color Green. What the hell? 

From: JHalp@dundermifflin.com
To: Pbees@dundermifflin.com
Subject: Open your eyes

Come over tonight. I’ll let you listen to California Stars and we can watch Say Anything. I’ll make you some broccoli, it’s the only green food I can make. Or you can open your eyes and see Green. 

As for the Colbert book, I haven’t read it either…

And just Google Desiderata, silly. Now, I want question four… 

But really, do come over tonight. You HAVE to see that movie!! It’s awesome. 

From: Pbees@dundermifflin.com
To: Jhalp@dundermifflin.com
Subject: Go Green! 

Okay, so I looked up broccoli under Google images and saw it, so I see your favorite color now. I also Googled Desiderata. I like your line too. 

I’ll come over tonight, but only if I can bring something. Soda? Macaroni and Cheese? That’s what you want? Okay, sounds good! Make hamburgers! Yummy! 

I’m off. I’m going to go home and change. I’ll see you later tonight. And I’ll email you questions in the morning (might as well as you a few of the ones I want to tonight! Hehe) 

-Pam

Okay, so I know I fell asleep on you last night. Sorry. At least I was in my jammies so it wasn’t too bad… But yeah, thanks for letting me crash at your house. Even if it did make for a hectic morning. But yeah, I loved the movie. You are right, it was pretty swell. I might take it on the island with me… But then I would have to give up Fargo, so I’m not so sure, what do you think?

Song was good. Everything was pretty acceptable, actually. I think that I could be okay with your choices. And c’mon, did my macaroni and cheese not change your favorite food choice? I mean, honestly. It’s like an orgasm in your mouth. Wow, I can’t believe I just said it. But I have a rule when I’m typing emails to you. I type what I think and I don’t delete, so there…. Wow.

Okay, I hope you had a good morning so far. Jan keeps calling. Michael told me not to answer, but I can’t do that, right? Wouldn’t I get fired?

To: Pam Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Say everything

Wow. Is it an orgasm in your mouth or a pamgasm? I’m not really sure? It definitely was good, though.

Glad my choices are acceptable.

Uh, yeah, I wouldn’t just ignore Jam’s calls… Even though Michael is your boss, she’s REALLY your boss. I’m sure that wouldn’t look so good?

Can I have my next question please? I’m so bored.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: She’s not afraid, she just likes to use a nightlight.

Okay, as much as it pains me to admit it, I think it’s a pamgasm. Or maybe a jimgasm. Who knows. It’s somethin’, though.

Okay, I will be answering phones all day… So I guess this question is the quickest one I can come up with.

Question Four: 6 Guilty Pleasures! Go!

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: O-S-C-A-R M-A-Y-E-R

Wow, that’s a tough one, Pampons. Let’s see... Wow, these will be embarrassing.

1. The Bachelor

2. Asian buffets

3. Rockapella

4. Dawson’s Creek

5. Jelly Beans

6. YouTube couple videos

Wow, I feel so pathetic now…

From: Pamela Beesly
To: Jim Halpert
Subject: Bob the builder! Yes we can!

Wow, Jim. Impressive list, but I need to know more on… 1-6. All of them are fantastic. Okay, thanks.

Not acceptable until I hear my explanation.

From: Jim Halpert
To: Pamela Beesly
Subject: I can’t

You need to know more? Jesus, Beesly. You’re trying to kill me here.

1. The Bachelor- Honestly, you’re going to make me say this? Katy used to make me watch it with her, and at first I enjoyed it because it was fun to make fun of the catty girls who fell in love with The Bachelor on their first date with 21 other girls, but then you kinda get invested into the girls, and I want them to be happy… And I want to go on dates with some of them. And I hate seeing them cry… And then they tease you with those little teasers and talk about how someone’s going home and you just have to watch it! I know you watch it!!!!

2. Asian Buffets- Wow. Who DOESN’T love a good asian buffet? Their donuts are awesome!!!

3. Rockapella- I know. Shut up. At least it’s not barbershop. But seriously, rock acapella is really cool… And they sing good songs. Happy songs, you know? And I’m seriously impressed by how awesome they are. Vocal stylingsamazing.

4. Dawson’s Creek- Please. Joey and Pacey and Dawson and Jen? Who doesn’t want to know what happens with the love triangle they each have? I’m just waiting for Jen and Joey to get it on because, hello! No, but I want Joey and Dawson to just end up together. They’re so perfect for each other, and I know the series is over and everything, but still… I don’t know!

5. Jelly Beans- They’re at your desk. I love to eat them. What else can you say about jelly beans?

6. YouTube couple videos- Do you even know what I’m talking about? Those videos people make of their favorite TV couples with clips from the episodes and the songs playing in the back? Right now, my favorites are the Luke/Lorelai ones from Gilmore Girls. They’re so good! You know you watch them too.

Can you please put me out of my misery? And remember, we can’t mention any of this stuff to anyone else… Dwight might pull out his gaydar pretty soon…

From: Pamela Beesly
To: Jim Halpert
Subject: I really hate you.

I just have one more question.

Who do you want to marry the bachelor? I am giggling like a school girl over this. You are so dorky!! It’s cute.

1. Watching Gymnastics on TV- Those girls are awesome. They can do flips and straddles and all sorts of awesome stuff with their bodies!

2. Wham!- Wake me up before you go-go? Oh, come on, is there anything better than that?

3. Asian buffets- Jim! I never knew you liked them too! Why did we not talk about this? If we get nothing out of this little game, at least we now have a common guilty pleasure and we can go out to lunch together! Yay!

4. Danielle Steel novels- I know one of your guilty pleasures is really Playboy. Well, Danielle Steel is kind of like playboy, except she writes the sex instead of having it. Oh man, it’s fantastic. (blushing now).

5. My diary- I write it in every day. So sue me.

6. Legally Blonde- Shut up.

I could go crawl under a rock now, thanks.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Okay

I want DeAnna to win. Sue me. It’s on tonight though! There are only three women left! I like them all though, so I’m not sure what I’m gonna do.

Hey, I like watching gymnastics too… I don’t think it counts as a guilty pleasure. Everybody likes that, don’t they?

Wham! Seriously, Pam? And Danielle Steel?

Legally Blonde. Hah. I heard people that like Legally Blonde are the cheerleader types and are “really nice” and have “an adorable car”.

You are awesome with the asian buffets, though. Not gonna lie.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Wham!

Wow. I can’t believe you know I said that about her…. Sorry… I just didn’t like her, you know? Roy sure did though.

Yes, everyone likes gymnastics. Not a guilty pleasure, but it is for me.

Don’t knock my Wham! Or my Danielle! A girl needs somethin’.

Question: Do you want asian buffet and The Bachelor watching company tonight? I’d like to see this DeAnna chick. You know, get to know what your “type” is. We could meet at Emerald Garden at 6:30… If you want, I mean.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: The eagle has landed!

Fact: Yes.

From: Pamela Beesly
To: Jim Halpert
Subject: Is that a picture of a pink unicorn? Oh how cute!

Well… I figured you enjoyed The Bachelor when you put it on your guilty pleasure list, but oh my god, Jim! You were so into it!!! What was with the little cheering section? And the covering your eyes during the kisses? You’re like a little girl!!!! I can’t believe you were biting your nails!! And could you have been anymore vocal when they let Sheeba go? Geez. If I come over tonight, will you do my hair and help me pick out my dress for the dance? I want to look sooooo cute!

I’ve decided that neither one of us can use Asian buffets as our guilty pleasure… My reasoning for this is that it’s on both of our lists, so we can’t really feel that guilty about it. Since I am the one that made it up, I will go ahead and tell you that my new number six is my Tooth Tunes toothbrush. I know, I know. You have no idea what it is.

They only sell them at little girls stores… Like Limited Too or Justice or the ones that have little slut clothes for nine year olds? Okay, well, basically, they’re toothbrushes that play a song when you put them in your mouth. It’s so awesome. The bristles vibrate against your teeth and send sound waves to your brain through your teeth, so you hear a song in your head while you brush! There are lots of different songs, but mine is the Hannah Montana theme song.

What are you doing tonight? Thursday night. We know that Dwight will be watching The Apprentice… Unless he somehow decides to go get drunk with his laser tag team… I’m seriously thinking we need to sabotage his team in some way… I mean, couldn’t we pretend to be on his team and cancel practice or dress up as someone else or something? I just kind of want to see him play laser tag, don’t you?

I’m going to visit my mom this weekend! I really love her!! I’m so excited.

WRITE BACK!!!!

-Spamster

From: Jim Halpert
To: Pam Beesly
Subject: You suck

I really can’t tell you the depth of my hatred for you right now. You suck. On all levels. I’m so tempted to do something to you.

Shut up. You love The Bachelor and you know it. It is quality TV. And you think he’s hot. I saw you swooning after him when he was taking his shirt off. I bet you went home and made out with your pillow after watching that.

Well, I’ve decided that since my previous answer of asian buffets was already accepted, I am not obligated to re-answer based on your whim. However, I am very proud of you for admitting your great love for Tooth Tunes… I do, however, want to know how you even know the Hannah Montana theme song… And more importantly, what were you doing in the little girls store? Were you on a shopping spree with Angela again, or are you just a white, female Michael Jackson on girls?

What am I doing tonight? I am playing laser tag with my laser tag team. Don’t you know that’s my Wednesday night ritual? By the way, Pam, it’s Wednesday. And I promise it is, I’m not trying to convince you, and I didn’t pay anyone in the office to tell you otherwise. It’s Wednesday. Which begs the question, will you be at the game tonight? I know you missed practice on Sunday, but we’ll still let you play.

Is “mom” a code word?

From: Pam Beesly
To: Jim Halpert
Subject: You are Michael on pervert pills

I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU SAID THAT ABOUT MICHAEL JACKSON! How twisted and disturbed are you? My gosh. You know I have a niece. You know everyone has a birthday! Geez, Jim. Eww. I’m shuddering. Okay, actually I’m laughing. “A white, female Michael Jackson on girls?” Touche, my friend.

Mom is not a code-word. Why, what did you think it was supposed to be?

Oh yeah, sorry. I guess I forgot to tell you that I was busy on Sunday during practice. I was taking my vitamins.

I will, however, be at the game tonight. What time does it start, again? Who are we playing? I need more information about our team….

From: Jim Halpert
To: Pam Beesly
Subject: Frisky Gellatin

Laser tag is tonight at 7 pm. You need to be at Fun Station at 6:30 for a team get-together. Please wear your complete uniform (knee-high candy cane socks, bowling shoes, khaki shorts, tank top, and various sweatbands). Check in at the front desk by telling them your number (you’re 69) and team name (Frisky Gellatin). Every team has four players, except for us. We will be down two men on account of the fact that I just registered you and I two minutes ago, and therefore, we don’t have anybody else. Tonight we are playing… Gryffindor. So, come with your game face on. And your uniform.

From: Pam Beesly
To: Jim Halpert
Subject: Frisky Gellatin

Okay, question… Um, are glasses a part of the uniform? What about wands? Snakes? I just want to make sure we’re intimidating enough that we can fully annihilate the other team. GO FRISKY GELLATIN!

From: Jim Halpert
To: Pam Beesly
Subject: Frisky Gellatin

Yes, glasses are a part of the uniform… And you’re on the team. I don’t think we have to worry about being intimidating.

(different stream of emails, the next day)

From: Jim Halpert
To: Pam Beesly
Subject: Wow.

Oh, man! I seriously am so impressed with you right now. Not only was your outfit way past any expectations I could ever have had (and honestly, the thought running through my mind is, “she actually owned all of that??!?!”) but your constant shouts of “Voldemort Rules!” and “The Dark Lord reigns!” just made you my best friend for another lifetime. Oh, and dude, where did you learn those moves? The tuck and roll? Have you been to Mommy and Me gymnastics recently or what? You were freaking AWESOME out there! I can’t believe you took down Dwight AND Mose AND the Amish minister! Honestly. You’re just too good to be true.

And now it’s time for question five… That is, if you’re ready. Actually, I’ll just give it to you. After your kick-ass performance last night, I can’t imagine you NOT being able to tackle question five.

So, without further adieu: I want to know everything about your best date.

From: Pam Beesly
To: Jim Halpert
Subject: hmm

Wow. Thanks for all of the awesome compliments about my laser tag game. Since you asked, I’ll have to let you know that it’s all God-given skill and talent. You really think that tuck and roll could be learned? I shot a man in the chest, Halpert! You can’t learn that!!! And I do have to say, I’m probably going to hell for shooting the Amish minister… How do you celebrate THAT?

Sorry it took me so long to email you back. I was having so much trouble with my date answer... Hopefully you’ll accept this one.

I hope beyond myself that my best date hasn’t happened yet… I mean, don’t get me wrong, Roy and I had some good dates. And I’ve been out on a few others before… Call me a romantic or a girl or whatever you will, but I would really, really like my best date to be with my husband. And I just don’t think being left at a high school football game or eating wings with his friends counts. I don’t know. That’s my answer.

From: Jim Halpert
To: Pam Beesly
Subject: Titanic

While I do understand your dilemma, and I do hope that you get your wish, I cannot accept your answer. I am looking for your best date to present. Please update your answer. Thank you.

From: Pam Beesly
To: Jim Halpert
Subject: Dwight K. Schrute

Okay Mr. Authority.

My best date was with Jim Mosby in the tenth grade. He was this really punkish kid, which I know, is kind of weird. But he was really sweet. He was a teddy bear. Anyway, he picked me up three days after he got his license, which was really cool for me because I didn’t have mine yet and none of my friends did either. Anyway, he brought me this red rose and totally, completely passed my Dad’s fifteen hour investigation. We went to this really nice restaurant, the type where prices aren’t on the menu, and then afterwards we walked along the lake and talked… Then we went back to his house and played pool and he didn’t let me win… And there was no chemistry between us whatsoever, but it was really fun. Hah, I remember he asked to kiss me (I’d told him at some point before I wanted to be asked before I was just kissed) and I told him I wanted to wait. I was so mad at myself for so long because I was a senior in high school before I got my first kiss.

But yeah… The only reason that was my best date was just because he treated me so well. I really felt like a princess… But there was nothing there between us. I’d take a date of sitting on the kitchen floor eating pizza with someone I really care about over anything like that.

There. Now you know how pathetic I am.

From: Jim Halpert
To: Pam Beesly
Subject: Keds

Well, I’m sorry to hear that your best date was with someone you didn’t really care about. I agree that it’s a really important part of a date. Maybe one day you’ll have your best date. I hope so, for you.

My best date has got to be April 25th, because it’s not too hot and it’s not too cold. All you need is a light jacket.

From: Pam Beesly
To: Jim Halpert
Subject: Sun Chips

You’re too sweet. Thanks for the Sun Chips and coke, and for the quoting of my guilty pleasure. :) I was feeling kinda crummy, so thanks…

I’m so close to accepting your answer because it’s amazing that it’s killing me. But I can’t accept it. I have to let it go and say, suck it up and tell me, mister.

From: Jim Halpert
To: Pam Beesly
Subject: Rootbeerfloats

I took a girl to a golf course once. We had pizza, shot putt-putt, and kissed. It was my first kiss. I don’t remember her name, honestly.

I’m hoping the same as you.

From: Pam Beesly
To: Jim Halpert
Subject: iPods

Wow. I really hope you remember more than that when you date your wife.

Beesly, where have you been? Geez. It’s been like a week since you emailed me, and I’m having a pretty hard time without your hourly emails. I mean, honestly. Do you expect me to make it through a week without your emails? You must be trying to kill me.

How was your visit with your mom? I know you went there last weekend. Does she live in Mars or something? She must.

I brought you something. It’s underneath your desk. It might smell a little rotten though… I brought it for you a few days ago.

COME BAAAAAAACK!

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Want some cheese with that whine?

Oh my gosh, Jim, you are such a baby! I’m so sorry I didn’t email you while I was on my vacation!! Do you really expect me to come into the office every morning and send you an email? It’s only Tuesday. I emailed you last on Friday afternoon. I’m really, really sorry for hurting you. It won’t happen again. Maybe. If you’re lucky.

My visit with my mom was great. I told her about our little game we’re playing, and she gave me a few good questions to ask you, so I might pull those out. She said to tell you hello.

By “something” do you mean this half-eaten fortune cookie with a fortune that says: Today you will be very successful… And then handwritten at the bottom it says “in bed”? Is that what you mean? If so, thank you so much. Please help me find the person that I’m supposed to fulfill this prophecy with.

I’M BAAAAAAAAAAACK!

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Muahaha

I am not a baby. I just missed you yesterday. You missed Michael coming in wearing an apron that said “Mom’s best helper.” I think he bought it at Spencer’s Gifts for his birthday.

I’m curious, how did I come up when you were talking to your Mom?

Yes, that was the something. And the person that’s going to help you is named Freddie and he’s located in your dresser drawer.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: I hate you

I can’t believe you tried to rename Carlos! And to Freddie! Honestly, Jim, does Freddie sound like the type of vibrator that can get that done? I can’t believe I just owned up to that.

My mom asked about you. Why?

Haha on the apron. You’re so funny. Which dining establishment will we be enjoying our midday meal at today?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: I am not a machine.

I hope you have fun with Carlos tonight :). If you’re glowing in the morning, I’ll know what’s up.

Uhh, why was your mom asking about me? How does she even know about me? You just made it sound like I was common conversation between you two.

I actually have to run a few errands today during lunch. I brought mine. The Ham and Cheese.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Hooters

What errands do you have to run, Jim?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Cheez Its

Are you seriously asking for my shopping list?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Peter Pan

Yes, I seriously am. Seriously.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Battlestar Gallactica

Okay, I have to run and pick up Fabric Softener, a birthday card for my little sister, and a Kit Kat bar. And I have to run by the pharmacy, and go pick up my new guitar.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Fabric Softener?

You use fabric softener?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Uh.

What? You don’t.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: My mistake

No, I do.

Question six: What is your most missed memory?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Hmm…

My most missed memory?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Guitar

Yes… As in, the memory you miss the most.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Second Life

I guess I have to say my most missed memory was a few years ago. My best friend and I went out to Lake Scranton one Saturday after he’d broken up with his girlfriend and we played Frisbee all day long. We went for a jog around the lake and then we went out for pizza afterwards. I don’t know why, it was just a pretty day and I had fun… I guess.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Curious…

Hmm, that’s interesting… Because I have a memory just like that one… Except I went to Lake Scranton with a coworker of mine right after I broke off my engagement, and he was really sweet. We sat on the ground and talked for a little bit. We fed the ducks our sandwiches and went hungry. We played Frisbee (and I won), and then we went for a jog around the lake, and even though he offered me his iPod, we just ran around and talked. Then we went out to Alfredo’s right afterwards and laughed some more. I really liked that day because not only was it sunny out, but it was really fun and I laughed a lot.

Doesn’t that sound like yours?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Ego equals shot

Wow. Is that all I am to you, a coworker?

And yeah, it does sound like me.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Bread

No, it’s not.

Is that really why it’s your favorite memory? Because it was sunny?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: YOU HAD SEX WITH STANLEY? OMG

No, that’s not why it’s my favorite memory. It’s my favorite memory because that’s the day you officially became my best friend.

What am I?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Ohh convicts!

Officially? Did we cut ourselves open and do the Ya-Ya or something? Sign a paper?

A very good friend. Maybe even the best.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Disgusting

Yes, we did. And now my blood runs through your veins, and your blood runs through mine.

Now, was my answer accepted?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Out of paper, out of stock

It was accepted, yes.

My answer: A friend of mine and I really just can’t stand this one guy we know… So one day, we got to work really early and moved his desk into the bathroom. We set up his computer and his phone and everything… We even gave our friend Kevin a whole box of dunkin donuts so he might have to go to the bathroom… Then when this guy got here, he freaked out and we just laughed as he spent half the day working in his office, afraid that if he moved his desk he might miss a few calls.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: ALWAYS, ALWAYS get chili on your nachos bell grande

Hey, you want to come with me on my errands? We can stop by Wendys or something and pick you up some lunch?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: I don't wanna be a chicken, don't wanna be a duck.

Yes! MANDARIN ORANGE SALAD!!!!!!!!!!!!

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: WOW!

That’s totally number eight on my guilty pleasures list.

Now?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Rosie O'Donnell!

and Then?

and Later?

Okay. Now works.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Michael

Jim… I’m pregnant. I don’t know what to do.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Croutons

I didn’t know Freddie was that type of vibrator, Beesly.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: JIM!

Are you insinuating that I can’t get someone to have sex with me?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Brown Rice

No… I’m insinuating that you’re not the type of girl to have sex with a random womanizer.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Love actually

How do you know he was random?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Iyiyi

You’re not the type of person to not tell your best friend you have a man. If you are, I’m really hurt.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Bras

I never said you were my best friend.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Oh.

Question seven: Who was the closest person to you to die?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: No

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, Jim.

I’m not answering that.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: It’s like fourth meal… or second drink.

You have to answer it, Beesly. It’s part of the game.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Pampers

Then I quit.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Bathroom

Hey… are you okay? I almost sent Angela in to rescue you from the claws of the evil Porcelain god.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Sun chips

Pam, please. I saw you open your email. I know you’re ignoring me… Please talk to me.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Slap Bet

Okay, I screwed up. I’m taking my break now. I’ll have French Onion Sun Chips and a coke and two straws in the break room for the next twenty minutes if you want to hear me grovel for forgiveness.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Lisa Frank

Please. Pam, now I’m just really worried about you. I’ll redact my question, just… are you okay? Is it about the sex thing? I know you can have sex with lots of men. Plenty of them would jump in your bed.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Water

Yes, Jim, I’m fine. And it’s not about the sex thing. It’s about the stupid question you asked. Don’t redact it, just give me a little leeway on answering it, okay? I need to get calm.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Thank You

I still have those sun chips if you want them….

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Okay

I only want them if you’ll take another break and split a coke in the break room with me. I think I just need a few laughs :)

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Hmm

Two straws, one coke, fifteen thousand laughs await you in the parlor room, milady (aka, come to the break room on my cue… my cue is when I stand up)

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Big girls don’t cry

Okay, so, your question.

I grew up in Scranton, so obviously, everybody knew everybody and everybody knew everything about everybody… We’d all grown up together. Well, my best friend from pre-school, Abby Richards, and I were pretty much inseparable. I swear, we did everything together, from playing on the playground together to skipping class to drinking in the bathroom so our parents wouldn’t find out… Our senior year, we had six classes together, and it brought us even closer together. To the point where we lived at each other’s houses all the time. Half her wardrobe was at mine and vice versa. Well, we were in this language arts class together, and Roy and this guy Brian were in it too. We were kind of like a little foursome, and before we knew it, Brian and Abby were dating and Roy and I were dating and that was just that… Well, we all went out one Friday night to a hockey game and then we got pizza afterwards. We were all going to go to Brian’s house that night for a movie. Brian and Abby were leading, and Roy and I were following, and we’re not sure what happened but somehow Brian swerved off the road and hit a tree… He and Abby both died instantly.

Okay?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Blue skies don’t bother me

Meet me in the stairwell, now.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Watercolors

Hi,

Thanks for listening to me. And for the hug. I’m sorry I freaked out on you earlier… It’s just that I haven’t really thought about Abs in a long time and then you asked that question and my chest just clammed up a little. Sometimes, I really miss her, you know?

I guess you can see why I was so hesitant to leave Roy now... I mean, we have that similar thread that ties us together. It was a sucky one, but we understood each other. I know you didn’t like him, but a lot of the reasons why you just didn’t know. We had a lot of grief in our relationship.

And Jim.. You are my best friend, it just scares me to say it out loud because I’ve only ever had one other best friend, and well, you know what happened there.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: I do

I know I said this earlier, but I really am very sorry. I wish I knew what I could say to you that might make it at least a little bit better…

I feel like I do understand you better. You know you can talk to me anytime, right?

How’s the mixed berry?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Referees

It’s your turn to answer.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: 1-2 Step

Umm…

This makes me sound like an ass.

I haven’t really lost anyone close to me.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Jackets

I’m very, very glad to hear that.

Well then, who would you cry over most?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Sunshine, don’t bother me

I don’t cry.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: mm

I bet you did last night when DeAnna got sent home on The Bachelor.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Kristi Yamaguchi

No comment.

My mom, my dad, my little sister, you, or Steve Erkel, okay?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Yay

Okay. Thanks. That cheered me up.

Sorry I freaked out earlier.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: 4:57

I have something for you tomorrow.

Have a good night tonight!

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Silly me

I forgot to print you out your playlist, and since you can’t listen at work (or can you? Check your desk drawer) I thought I’d send it to you now so you can get just a small glimpse of what it is that is on that ratty CD I made you. I’ll even throw in liner notes for you.

1. Vienna (Billy Joel)- Well, it is your favorite song.

2. Sing (Travis)- Do you remember this song at all? It’s the one we swayed to out in the parking lot the night that we read through Threat Level Midnight… I only wish we’d actually gotten the part.

3. When I Laugh (The Glands)- It just reminds me of you. I think laughing is our favorite thing to do. I’m not really sure what they’re talking about, but come on, it is pretty groovy to listen to. Yep, groovy.

4. Through Any Window (Wisely)- Okay, so everyone knows the best track on any album is track four. And this song is just amazing. Just amazing. They sound like Simon & Garfunkel, but they’re just… I don’t know, awesome. I think they are probably your perfect song. This one will knock Vienna off the charts.

5. Phone Call #27 (Admiral Twin)- Uhh.. You’re the receptionist. But seriously, has the phone ever sounded so good?

6. Those Sweet Words (Norah Jones)- Okay, so um, guilty pleasure number seven: Norah Jones. I can picture you waking up to this song… Or going back to sleep to it. :)

7. Ghost (Neutral Milk Hotel)- Okay really. How can you NOT like this song?

8. Better Days (Faith Hill)- Okay. Call me a dork, but I need you to listen to this song. And just pretend like I wrote it for you, okay? Okay.

9. Somewhere Only We Know (Keane)- I think I just like the lyrics… They’re almost haunting, in a strange way… I don’t know. So tell me when you’re gonna let me in/I’m getting tired and I need somewhere to begin. I don’t know… Shivers.

10. Chicago (Sufjan Stevens)- I just really want to go to Chicago. I just wish there was someone I was in love with that would drive there with me.

11. Something More (Sugarland)- This really should be called Pamela Beesly. And let’s be honest, you still have two years until you reach five, but I could TOTALLY picture you telling Michael you have better things to do with your life. Hah.

12. Somebody to Love (Queen)- I don’t know. I can just picture little Pam jumping on her bed and singing into hair brushes into her pajamas and rocking out to Queen… Because who else is there to rock out to?

13. Passenger Seat (Stephen Speaks)- It’s just a happy go-lucky song. I don’t really know how to describe it, but I think it will make you happy.

14. Me and Julio Down At The Schoolyard (Simon & Garfunkel)- Okay, c’mon honestly. Is there such a thing as a mix CD without a little S&G? Definitely not. If I be me, will you be Julio?

15. Her Eyes (Pat Monahan)- Seriously. I love this song. Have you heard Meet Virginia before? This is a lot like that, except it’s more real and more you I think…

16. Rebellion(Lies) (Arcade Fire)- There are some songs you just plain like.

17. Green Eyes (The Rocket Summer)- It just reminds me of you. Not the whole thing… Just Green eyes that smile mostlyBecause yours do. And I like your eye smiles.

18. Gone for Good (The Shins)- How can you not LOVE the Shins? Another automatic mix CD band. And it is so cool to like them, so shut up.

19. Angel (Jane Jensen)- I dare you to listen to this song when you draw. I can just picture you creating some perfect drawing while listening to this… And, I don’t know, this could be your theme song.

20. The Great Escape (Boys Like Girls)- It just makes me think about The Perks of Being a Wallflower and driving around town with the windows down panting out the window… Like a dog, except you’re still a human… My favorite quote in the whole book is “and in that moment, we were infinite.” I just imagine that’s what it’s got to be like when you go driving with your best friend.

21. California Stars (Wilco)- I love this song. It reminds me of this girl I know.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Awwww

Thank you, Jim. I haven’t heard half of those songs, but I’m really glad I can listen to them now. And thanks for the CD player in my desk drawer. You’re just too great You really didn’t have to do this, though, you know…

I promise I’ll listen to it soon. Dwight is making me make a list of everyone in the office’s favorite candy and type of chip. I put you down for “eye candy” and “poker chips.” I just wonder what he’ll say, hehe. I’m not sure what secret mission this is for… Part of me wonders if maybe he’s finding this information out for Angela. What do you think?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Smile for me

Hmm, I think you’re right about them. Angewight sure have been whispering in the break room lately. Something about cookies.

Well, I’m surely sorry that he’s making you do that. For the record, you are completely right. However, if he asks for the edible type of candy and chips, what in the world will you say?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Suck it, Halpert

Candy- Sour Skittles and/or Snickers. It’s a toss up between the two.

Chips- French Onion sun chips, of course.

And how was that? I think I know you pretty well.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Attitude is everything

Wow, you do know me pretty well.

Tell me, what am I doing right now?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Having sex with Stanley

Read the above line.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Oh my gosh

Wow. How did you ever guess I was into the hilarious black guy from the office?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Rum and Tequila

Woman’s intuition.

So, I have an idea.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Twirling Babies

And what is this idea?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Sleeping Lobsters

Question Eight: Tell me the circumstances of the last time you cried. I want details.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Uterii

You’re trying to castrate me.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: You castrate yourself

Now why would I want to do that? You would be no good to me.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Aladdin

Are you saying we’re only friends because of my penis?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Eat your wheaties

Use your head, Jim.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Playground sex

That’s what she said.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Cookie dough

Okay, time to answer the question, pervert.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Ricola!

Okay, fine… The last time I cried was actually last week. I’d had a really rough day, and I just needed to let some tears fall.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: I hope you cook your penis on your Foreman grill

Okay, um, totally not acceptable. I need the details, friend.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: My penis is not sausage!

Fine. You were gone all day on Monday, and I missed you. I tried to get off of work early, but I found Dwight playing darts in the hallway and the dartboard was my face, so we had to have a long talk… Then I came home and I was kind of expecting a phone call from you since you usually call me at night if you weren’t at work, but I didn’t get one. I did get one from my niece (sister’s daughter) who was sobbing because her dad is heading overseas to Iraq. He’s part of the Reserves, but she was just so upset. She kept begging me to come and see her and give her a hug and I don’t know. It broke my heart, okay?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Sausage is bigger.

Oh, tough stuff. How old is your neice?

Where did Dwight get the Halpert dartboard? I totally want one.

I’m sorry I didn’t call or email you. I didn’t realize you wanted me to.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Breakfast Penises, now in your grocery store’s frozen food aisle

She’s eight. Her name is Hannah. It’s just really tough because her dad was overseas last year in Iraq for about eleven months, and I think Hannah is scared that he’ll be over there for longer this time. She kept talking about how daddy was deserting her and was never coming back. I’m going to go visit her and my sister, Laura, at the end of the month.

You can pick them up at Target. They’re $11.95 plus tax.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Daisies are the happiest flower

Is Hannah normally a worrier? Wow, I can’t imagine the pain of having someone you love overseas like that. Are you holding up okay?

You can talk to me about it if you want.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!

Yeah, it’s just a difficult situation. I think it’s really hard for Laura because Walt is in the reserves, and they have all of these military friends who aren’t, and they aren’t being sent over there but he is. And on top of that Hannah’s so upset. Caitlin is doing okay (the older one, she’s 10), but Hannah is just having a difficult time. Laura says she keeps calling her every ten minutes at work talking about how much she misses her daddy and she won’t let Laura go anywhere without her. She’s constantly hanging on her and hugging on her… It just breaks my heart to see her this upset. And I know Laura is upset too, so it’s just hard. Last time Walt was over there, they kept saying it would just be one month, but a month certainly lasts a lot longer in Iraq than it does here. I think Laura and Caitlin have both come to grips—as much as they can—with the idea that they have to worry about the phone call when they get it, not stress themselves over it now. But my Hannah. I don’t know… She’s just not normally like this. She’s normally very bubbly and happy all the time… She was acting so strange that Laura actually asked her if something had happened at school or if someone had touched her or what. Laura called the school therapist to come in and talk to her, but they still haven’t figured out what’s wrong with her.

I kind of want to take Hannah out for a weekend or something, but I don’t know what you do with an eight year old girl, and I really am not sure if I (or her mother) would feel comfortable with her away with just a “man” for the weekend. Even if I am an uncle, I’m sure there are some things a girl needs that dorky Uncle Jim can’t give her.

Thanks for the ears (eyes?). I’ve been wanting to get it off my chest to someone (I can’t talk to my sister, really because she’s so upset already) but I didn’t know how to bring it up. Now that you know, I might update you more as things progress.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject:National Sarcasm Society

Oh man… I’m sorry about that, Jim. I can’t imagine having a husband or a father in the military. I think it would break my heart to see him leave and go risk his life. I wish I could tell you what to do to make Hannah feel better, but I’m not a miracle worker, unfortunately… I just really don’t know what else to say.

If you still want to take Hannah, I don’t know if this would be weird or not, but I could help you out. I really like kids, and maybe a fun weekend with Uncle Jim is just what she needs. Let me know…

You know, you can talk to me about anything you want. It won’t be weird if you bring something up, whether it’s personal or silly. That’s what friends are for, and remember, I am the best friend. I am entitled to these kinds of things.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Cycloptic Cupcakes

I really appreciate that, Pam. All of it, I mean. Sometimes I just need to talk, you know? And thanks for the offer on helping me with Hannah. If you really mean that, I might take you up on it. And I know I can talk to you.

Now, when was the last time you cried?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Michael just told me he was the only dinosaur still living

I really do mean that.

The last time I cried? The other night after I told you about Abby and Brian, but I’m assuming you probably wanted to know the last time before that.

Okay, I’m about to sound really lame… But it was right after I broke up with Roy… Well, not right after. I guess a few months after, about a month ago. You were with Katy, and Ryan and Kelly had just started dating, Meredith and Creed had their one night stand (and Phyllis too, apparently… but with someone else. Hopefully). Michael was dating both Carol and Jan, Oscar has always been dating Gil, Kevin and Stacey were doing well… I don’t know, I was just lonely, and I was surrounded by all of these couples, and I had no idea where I’d find someone.

Wow, this is embarrassing.

So, I went online and I was shopping for shoes because I do that when I’m upset… And I saw this add for a chat room, and I clicked on it because I have this really bad habit of clicking on the pop-ups (once, I accidentally downloaded transvestite porn. Whoops!) and before I knew it was at this singles site for the worldly traveler (my shoes were from Italy, I guess it thought I liked to travel. I swear, Google is alive!). I created this whole profile page and everything. And normally if I was going to do something like this, I would be Patricia Stevens, a Hollywood model, age 24 with DD breasts and a flat stomach, but this time, I decided I would just be me… You know? So much pretending with Roy and just in general, I just wanted to be myself.

So, I typed up my entire profile. I was Pam, 27, receptionist, Pennsylvania. I liked to watercolor and watch silly movies and laugh. I was down to earth, not very spicy, but a good person.

I would say that generally sums me up, wouldn’t you?

Well, let’s just say the only hit I got was a jerk telling me that I should be ashamed of myself for looking the way I did and that I sounded like a real drag.

I deleted my account and seriously cried myself to sleep. Not that I care what Juan said, but it’s just, like… I don’t know. It hurt, because I was out there in black and white and nobody wanted to even know more about me… It was like a personal rejection. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll never get married. What if Roy was my only chance and I just blew it, Jim? I don’t know….

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Next week on The Bachelor

Pam... First of all, you’re an amazing person and any guy would be lucky to have you. And I mean that. You’re beautiful and smart and funny and you can draw really good too. And you shouldn’t have to be Patricia Stevens for a man to want to be with you. A true man would want to be with you just the way you are. And you know guys are sleaze balls. Or at least that guy was.

Why didn’t you tell me how you felt about Katy? I would have liked to have known.

I am really, seriously impressed with your question today. Quality. Quality.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Oy, with the poodles already!

Thanks, Jim… I think I’m starting to understand that… And I don’t want to be anyone other than Pam because she’s what I’m good at being. I was always a shoddy actor, and with Roy, sometimes I felt I had to act out and be what he wanted me to be. I would rather just be me… So thanks.

Would you have broken up with her? Because it made me sad you were with her? Honestly, Jim… I want you to be happy. My sadness shouldn’t get in the way of that.

Thank you. I was impressed by your answer.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: I want to be where the people are!

Acting is not your forte, but art sure is. Can I have a piece of art for Christmas? Or Hanukkah? Or Easter? Or Presidents Day?

Yes, I would have. I knew she wasn’t right for me from the beginning. I wasn’t ever looking for anything long term with her. If I would have known it made you uncomfortable/sad/upset, I would have stopped it of course. Seeing you sad has NEVER made me happy. Silly girl.

Did you hear Bob Hope passed away? Poor guy.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Someone’s after me lucky charms!

Top of the morning to ya, Halpert.

Funny story. I don’t know if you know this about me, but my mother is Scottish-Irish. Hence the curly hair thing I have going on and the green eyes? You know? Well, my Dad is this big burly man who doesn’t care a lick about history or where we came from. It’s really quite comical because my mom thinks it’s the most important thing in the world. They had this huge fight when I was four (they fight so cute!) about how to best educate my sister and I on our family history. Nobody really won. But I swear, for a year after that, whenever we came downstairs dad would pour us a bowl of lucky charms and say, “Top ‘er the mornin’ to yer, girls!” And my mom would just laugh and roll her eyes at first, but by month seven or eight she was getting really annoyed. Then finally, one day, I came down for breakfast and my dad poured the lucky charms, opened his mouth to say “Top ‘er the mornin’ to yer, girl,” and my mom came in the kitchen and said “JESUS CHRIST BILL! SHE KNOWS SHE’S IRISH!”

It was probably the funniest thing in my childhood. Because my mom would never, ever, yell out Jesus Christ, especially not at the dinner table, and especially not in front of her five year old daughter. My dad (Bill) just looked at her for a moment, and then turned to me and said, “Someone’s after me lucky charms!”

I just remembered that today because Michael came in chanting “Hears, stars and horsehoes! Clovers and blue moons! Pots of gold and rainbows! And me red balloons!”

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Brush your teeth with Colgate

Wow, Beesly. Thanks for the trip down memory lane. I haven’t had lucky charms since I was like, seven. But, they were my cereal of choice for a good five years or so. I can’t decide if I like it better that we ate the same cereal growing up and your dad is a funny dork, or that Michael apparently eats lucky charms for breakfast. Or at least watches the commercial enough to know the whole song.

Your dad’s name is Bill. Is your mother’s name Angela?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: WILMA!!!

Lucky charms were dang good, let me tell you. I think I ate that stuff even in college. I’ll probably die pretty soon, but man was it good while it lasted!

No, my mother’s name is Janet.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Julio, down by the schoolyard.

You probably will die soon. Which will be sad.

My mother’s name is Larissa. My father’s name is Larry. We live in Lancaster, and we sell Lazy boys.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Oh man

My mother’s name is Margaret. My father’s name is Magnus. We live in Mount Joy, and we sell Mangos.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: N-O

My mother’s name is Nancy. My father’s name is Ned. We live in Naples, and we sell nothing.

My mother’s name is Olivia. My father’s name is Oliver. We live in Origami, and we sell O-town CDs.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Like stealing cake from a fat kid

My mother’s name is Phyllis. My father’s name is Packer. We live in Pennsylvania, and we sell penises.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Penis R Us

Oh my gosh.

You totally win at that game. Phyllis and Todd Packer and you are selling penises. Can you please tell me how much they cost? And how do they come? Do you pay by the inch? Or the pound? Or the mileage? Or the condition? And how much does an average penis cost?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Pancakes

We don’t sell average penises, Jim. We only sell exceptional penises. We have a 90 day guarantee. If your penis doesn’t thrust, we’ll exchange it for a new one, free of charge.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Do you sell on eBay?

Well, if I ever need to sell my penis, I’ll make sure to go to your company first.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: There must be steroids in macaroni

We wouldn’t take your penis.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Paris! Paris!

Oh, burn! But to be honest, you haven’t seen my penis. How do you know it’s average?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Where is this going?

I know it’s not average. It’s below average. It’s like a little crayon.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Coldstone Creamery

Are you telling me you draw with my penis?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Tommy Lee Jones

No, I’m more into watercolor.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Puppies

Watercolor with my….

Okay, question seven: Which of your body parts are you the most self-conscious about? Tell me why.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Rocky Road

Are these questions supposed to be this awkward to answer? I feel like I’m letting my entire soul go free into the open. It’s kind of not fun, being this transparent… But I guess I’d rather be with you than anyone else.

And I watercolor with paints.

I guess I’m going to have to say my legs. They’re short and kind of stocky, and I’ve just kind of always wanted longer ones. And I know this might be gross, or whatever, but hair grows way too fast. I swear I shave on Monday morning and by Monday night I need to shave again. It’s so annoying. And my legs are pale! And they have freckles. And I hate my thighs… It just annoys me. I wish I had long, lean, tan legs like those girls who broadcast their legs on sunscreen bottles.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Pretty Pretty Princess

Wow. I never would have guessed your legs. I’ve always really liked them.

I know they’re awkward to answer, but don’t you feel better after you do? Knowing that someone doesn’t care about all of your weird quirks and is okay with who you are. You know? I guess I feel like if you get through enough awkward conversations and questions okay, eventually you’ll be able to come up to me and just blurt out what you want and not worry about holding back. At least, that’s what I’m hoping for with you. I think everybody needs that…. Transparency is good if you trust the other person.

Your answer is accepted. My answer would have to be my penis, after our last conversation.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Flannel pajamas

You wouldn’t have guessed my legs? Tell me, then, Jim, what would you have guessed?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Old Yeller’s dead

Woah, slow down, Lassie… I wasn’t saying that to be mean or to make some sort of point that your legs are better than a certain other part. I was just saying that I don’t think you need to be self-conscious about them… I really wouldn’t have guessed anything. There’s nothing wrong with you.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Jungle Book

Oh, okay. Well, thanks…

Will you tell me your real one now, please? I can’t assure you otherwise if you stick with your “penis.”

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Wastebaskets

My real answer is my feet. They’re big and awkward and there is hair growing on my toes, which is just really weird looking. I swear, I have gorilla feet. Or something like that. They’re just huge. Did you know I wear a size thirteen? I have to order most of my shoes. Even Foot Locker doesn’t carry them. It’s horrible. And when I play basketball, I can’t sneak around people very well because I end up tripping over them with my huge feet. Grr.

I have a question for you. What is your favorite part on a man?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Ahem

You know what they say about men with big feet? Big in other areas too. Maybe my family will sell you after all.

My favorite part of a man? Smile, I think… No, I’ll be honest, butt and thighs. Oh man. Send me to a Renaissance Fair any day! Robin Hood Men In Tights, yes please!!!

What about you?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Hemingway was an alcoholic

Well, I agree with what they say. If penises had a shoe size, mine would be 13 as well.

Butts and thighs? Beesly!!!! That’s way too good to be true. I will be sure to take you to a Renaissance Fair the next time they come in town. Is that why you were in ballet for so long?

I like the smiling eyes. Green, especially.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Hot Dogs.

Butts and thighs are the new trend, Halpert. You’re lucky you’ve got a nice set.

Haha. Stop teasing me.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Green eyes that smile…

Why, thank you.

I’m not teasing you. I really do like your eyes when you smile.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: I dream of Jeannie

Well, then, stop flirting…

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Times New Roman, size 12

Hey, I’m taking Hannah this weekend. Will you help me? The fair is in town. Maybe we can all go? I need help with this whole thing…

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Jean jackets

Yeah, I’d love to go with you guys and help you. Why don’t you meet me at the guilty pleasure hot spot right after work and we can brainstorm ideas. I am an ultimate girl party planner. She won’t know what hit her.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Corn dogs

You’re the best.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Where did you get that sweater, missTJ Maxx?

Thanks for all your help last night. Little Hannah will have her hands full this weekend! I know she’ll love you. It will be so cool for her to get to hang out with someone that’s not old and wrinkly, but isn’t five. I know she’ll be thrilled. Seriously, thanks for offering to come to the fair and make fun food and have a sleepover with her this weekend. I know you have better things you could do.

So, I was rereading my Harry Potter books last night. Honestly, why would you ever name a character Harry Potter? That’s such an odd name. It’s like naming your child Moonshine Horseshoe. It’s just ridiculous. Do you agree, or do you agree?

Your legs look very nice today.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Sorority clothing

Sure, anytime. I think a day or two away will be just what she needs. Junk food always makes a girl feel better.

Harry Potter is as equivalently strange as the name Jim Halpert.

And shut up.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Marmelade skies

But I’m actually serious... Your legs DO look good today.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

That’s what Carlos/Freddie said.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Snarfblasters

Maybe I won’t let you hang out with my niece this weekend…. That was just… I’m speechless.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: nail polish

Think about what’s best for Hannah, not what makes you feel awkward.

Are you ready for our tenth question? We’re almost halfway done, how scary is that? I feel like we just started being awkward.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Show me the money!

I’m always ready.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Freddie got fingered

Question Ten: What do you look for in a partner?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Solitaire

A partner… for ping-pong? Um, has to be Chinese, wear white outfits, and be able to run fast.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: 1979 Dodgeball Champion

What do you look for in a woman? To be your girlfriend, wife, etc. Also, an addition: Paint for me a picture of your perfect date with your perfect girl.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: I need mo’ allowance!

What do I look for in a woman? Well, let’s see. She has to be absolutely gorgeous. I love green eyes, and curly blondish-brownish hair. She has to have a pretty laugh… I don’t mind if her legs are a little strange, as long as the rest of her is beautiful. She has to smile more than she frowns. She has to have a pretty voice—not one of those scratchy voices that makes you want to hang up the phone. She better like jelly beans, have good taste in music, and have a great sense of humor and a knack for pulling off a prank. She needs to be spontaneous, yet still organized. She has to be able to put up with me. If she can make dirty jokes, that’s a major plus. She needs to be sensible, and sensitive to me and my feelings. And she has to be willing to be silly every now and then…

My perfect date with my perfect girl would consist of me and her going out to dinner and laughing the entire time… Maybe we’d go back to my place and watch crappy reality television, and then perhaps she’d fall asleep on my couch. She’d look so adorable sleeping I wouldn’t want to wake her up. I guess we would just have a good conversation and lots of fun together.

Does that satisfy?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Phase 10

Wow, she sounds like a real keeper. I hope you find her.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: It’s Meredith. I can’t help it. She just turns me on.

It’s your turn to answer.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Maybe you can have a three way with her and Creed

Okay. I guess I look for a man who knows how to treat a woman right. He has to be loving and caring and want to spend time with me more than he wants to spend time with his beer or his brother or anybody else. He has to be strong, but he has to use his strength to stick up for me, not to put me down. He has to be emotionally strong, but not afraid to let me in and tell me what’s bothering him. He has to feel comfortable telling me anything, and he can’t be on a power trip just because he’s the male. He needs to remember what I talk to him about and make efforts to change if I ask… And I would like for him to have an iPod, so I can listen to it.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: It’s a boys

Okay, and what does this character look like? And the date?

Good luck finding one of those.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Scooby-doo!

Oh, right, sorry. He has shaggy brown hair that falls around his face… I don’t care what color eyes, but blue is nice… I’m done with big and burly, I want him to look normal. He’s got to be tall. I want to be able to look up to him when I kiss him and put my arms around his neck. And he has to have a great butt and amazing thighs…

And our date would consist of me and him seeing a play, having grilled cheese sandwiches on the rooftop, and swaying to music because contrary to popular belief, swaying is dancing.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: You’ve got mail

See, I hate it when people think swaying isn’t dancing. It so totally is.

So, should I just call you in the morning when Hannah wakes up? I’m driving down to get her in a minute, and we’ll get back in late tonight. I don’t know, what do you want to do?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Black pants

Jim, relax. It’s going to be fine, and she’s going to love hanging out with Uncle J-bone. What girl wouldn’t? Just give me a call in the morning when you’re up and ready to go do something. If I don’t hear from you by 10:30, I’ll call you. I think I have your number around here somewhere.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Cell phones

Oh please, I know I’m your six.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Bop to the top!

You are my six. And I’m yours, aren’t I?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Here’s a quarter, call someone who cares

Yep. We gotta match.

WHAT IS DWIGHT WEARING?!?!!?!

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Pittsburgh

I don’t know, but it’s dayum funny.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Battleship

Michael and Dwight are playing battleship. Dwight called out “You missed!” and Michael said “That’s what she said.” And Dwight said, “Who’s she?” and Michael said “Your mom.” Dwight looked mortified.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: The Chinese

Sudoku. Level: Moderate. Time: 18 minutes. Suck on that, Halpert.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: After college, it’s called alcoholism

Oh my gosh, COME BAAAAAACK!

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Q-tips

Your mother called. She wants to know if you’ve been using her fabric softener. She says call her back on Dad’s phone. She flushed hers down the toilet.

I find out so much about people by being a receptionist.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: HP Laserjet 1140

The woman from the American Girl store called for Angela today to tell her that her order is in. I nearly laughed my ass off.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: 4:28

I can’t stand it anymore. I’m leaving. It’s so boring without you. See you tomorrow.

Wow. I had so much fun this weekend. Hannah is such a sweet girl. I can see how much you love her when you play with her. The fair was pretty fun. It’s always fun to watch little kids enjoy rides that really should make kids throw up their livers or something. Anyway, Jim, she’s so adorable. I love the curly blonde hair. It’s just so adorable.

Did you see her face when we were watching Pretty in Pink? I really honestly think she enjoyed it, even amidst the “oh my god”s and “gross”s. She totally loved it. However cute she was while you were there, she was extra cute when you retired to your little boy’s bedroom. We stayed up late and chatted about boys and brownies and best friends and puppies. It was really fun. And, I just think you should know that we are friends now. And she adores me. So there. Your niece is my new best friend. Whatcha gonna do, Halpert?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Pulminectories

Wow, I don’t know if it’s more pathetic that your best friend is eight or that you think I care?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: #2 Pencils

You do care.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Scrubs

You’re right, I do care. And thanks for being there for her. She really needs someone to talk and laugh with right now. I can’t tell you how much it means to me. You’re a really great friend, Beesly.

I got a phone call from her last night telling me how much she adores you. She asked for your phone number, and I hope you don’t mind, but I gave it to her… She just pleaded and prodded.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: On-call room?

I don’t mind at all, Jim. Just as long as I get to put hers in my phone, too.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Butterfly earrings

Okay, so…. Question eleven?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Argyle

Wow, I’m so glad our relationship has become one of questions and answers, and not true communication.

I’m just kidding. Lay it on me.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Bread

Question eleven: Are you free for dinner tonight?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Teletubbies

Jimothy. That is a kind of lame question. Not only is it not more personal than our latest cries, but it is also obvious because I’m a single girl. Of course I’m free for dinner tonight. I’m free or dinner every night. Can you please give me the real question now?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: High School Musical

No, Pam, I meant… are you free for dinner tonight? Can I take you out to dinner, on a date? Please tell me that’s more personal than crying… And I want you to be completely truthful with your answer, don’t say yes unless you really want to go.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Italian Food

I’ve decided that you can take me out to dinner tonight. Nothing fancy or foreign, no bars, no patios, no vegetables, and no seafood.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Aliens

Is this Pam?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: The New Testament

Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. I had to give some boundaries…

Before I truly answer, what possessed you to ask me out on a date?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Tortoises

You’re really scaring me, Pam. C’mon. I put myself out there, and you’re not even telling me what side you’re leaning toward.

I asked you out on a date because I want to be more than just best friends. And I care about you, and I want you to be happy, and I think I can make you happy if you let me. After all, you make me happy.

Besides, after I typed out my vision of the perfect girl in response to your last question, I realized you fit every one of those requirements. And, for an added bonus, you play laser tag.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Patricia Stevens

I’m just Pam, receptionist, 27, Pennsylvania. You know that, right?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Casual Fridays

Yes… and I like that.

Please answer. Why are you holding off on me? Your answer isn’t acceptable yet.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: iPods

Well, where would a guy like you take a girl like me?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Words: 792

Well, I already took you to a play, a rooftop dinner with grilled cheese, and swayed to an iPod with you, so I’m not really sure. I was thinking maybe dinner and then a walk around “Lake” Scranton.

Or maybe we can play Frisbee together…

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Topless babes

On a scale of 1-10, how nervous are you right now?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: You are so mean

I’m like a 12, okay. Now will you please answer the question? Can I take you out to dinner tonight?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Spider Solitaire

Jim, of course you can take me out to dinner.

Now, time to answer your own question. Are you free for dinner tonight?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Sleeves

No, I’m not free for dinner tonight. I have a date with a woman with awesome legs. Maybe tomorrow night, if you ask before she does.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Turabian

I’m sure she’ll beat me to the punch.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Classic Cookies

I sure hope so.

I’ll pick you up at seven?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Best friends

Okay, seven works. And it’s not a school night, so we can stay out later!!

I can’t wait to call Hannah and tell her. We’ve been talking about this.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: LIAR

You are Dwight. Your dentist’s name is not Crentist!

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Cuginos

You’re right, it’s not. He’s Dr. Barr.

And we have too.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: NO WAY!

I go to Dr. Barr too! SWEET!

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Orange

Really? What color toothbrush did he give you last time? I got the orange one with little flowers on it.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Knock-Knock

I got the Superman one. Up, Up and Away!

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Spell check

Well, good to know that if we ever pull a Disney ending neither of us will have to change dentists.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Flounder!

I would change dentists for you.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: You killed my father! Prepare to die!

Thank you?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Pink polka dots

My doctor is Dr. Bales.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Larissa Halpert

Are you telling me all of this so you can change your mother from your emergency contacts?

PS. I would change dentists for you too.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Ducks QUACK QUACK

Wow… I’m writing this from home and emailing it to myself as well because I know Monday morning I’ll want to remember how ridiculously stupid I sound seeing as I’m writing this email at one in the morning. I just can’t sleep. And it’s one of those things where it might be smarter to email someone else, but I don’t know who else I could email. My best friend is an eight year old… My other best friend (boyfriend? Man I go on amazing dates with?) is the reason I can’t seem to fall asleep. So I don’t know. I’d email my mother but she doesn’t know how to turn on her computer, and my sister would probably just shoot me for being so lightheaded. She just came out of a divorce, she’s a bit cynical now.

So here I am, at one in the morning on Saturday, just an hour and fifteen minutes after you walked me to my door. I changed out of my “date outfit” and into my pajamas and crawled in bed, but I couldn’t stop smiling so I just kind of laid there and tossed and turned for a while, and now here I am, sitting at my computer, typing you this email that I probably never should have even started.

I really had a lot of fun tonight. I know that I always have fun with you, so dinner at Cuginos and a walk around Lake Scranton really shouldn’t excite me this much, but it did. I’m sure we’ve done it before at one time or another, but it’s just different today. Getting dressed up, curling my hair, making sure my eyes smile. It’s fun to dress up if you have a reason, you know? And you looked mighty handsome. Whatever you wore really enhanced the butt and thighs aspect of your look. Giggle.

Oh my gosh, how funny was that dog today? All of the little teenagers are walking around feeding the ducks and talking smack and then that couple’s dog ran into the middle of the lake to chase the ducks! Oh man. I swear, we must have watched the dog (Riley was his name, wasn’t it?) run away from his owner for a good ten minutes. And then when the guy got in the gunk infested water and swam after the dog… Oh that was too funny! I loved it.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do to soothe myself to sleep… Maybe I’ll go take a bath.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Soothing…

I find it funny that you can’t sleep either. I had a good time tonight. Thanks for coming to dinner with me. And for watching Riley the retriever be a pain. The entire time I was watching the dog swim away and the owner swimming after it, I was picturing Michael as the dog and Dwight as the owner chasing after him. Tell me if that’s not funny.

I know I stammered it out earlier today, but you looked beautiful today. And I still don’t understand what you mean about your legs. You have great legs, silly. You just have great everything.

Maybe it excites you because it’s something new?

Remember when my ass vibrated today during dinner? It was Laura, calling to tell me that Hannah woke up happy this morning and only called her once all day (did I tell you she’s been calling Laura ten times every day while she’s at work?). She couldn’t figure out why because Han’s not really talking to her much right now, but she thinks it has something to do with me. I think it has something to do with you.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Arma-get-it-on

Aww, I had just gotten up to grab a towel and my shampoo and stuff from the other room when Tim McGraw told me I have mail. It’s this new thing with my email client. You can download a celebrity’s voice and they’ll tell you when you have mail. I have Tim McGraw. I don’t know why. Well I do. Have you ever seen a nicer pair of thighs and butt? Honestly. I guess I was hoping I could see those yummy parts through the voice. Ahem.

Why didn’t you tell me you were picturing Michael and Dwight? That’s hilarious. I was picturing Dwight as the dog and Michael chasing him, honestly… And then the girlfriend cheering on the ground was Kelly. Hehe. Wow, so funny. I think we should bring a leash into work and see if we can’t get Dwight to get down on all fours. Woof! Woof!

We are so lame. smiles

I’m so glad to know she’s doing better. So glad to hear it. I’m sad she’s still not talking to her mom or Caitlin, but at least she’s talking and smiling—that’s a start. I had so much fun with her last weekend I almost forgot what she was like when I first met her. You could see a big change in her by the end of the weekend, and I was hoping she wouldn’t go back home and clam up again. I’m glad to see she’s starting to let herself go a bit.

What do you think it has to do with me?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Kurt Cobain

WOW! I am totally down for trying to get Dwight on all fours. Please try it! And also, if we can get him to bark and wear a collar, I’ll take you to China. Seriously, that would be the funniest sight ever. We should get him a personalized collar. Put his full name and then the address for the pound under it. And we can get him a collar that’s the color of beets. Oh wow. I would pay money to see Dwight bark.

We’re cute though.

Yeah, she has changed a lot. I’m just really glad to see her happy. Has she called you at all since she asked for your number. I’m just curious?

Wow, I’m about to fall asleep. I’m going to wait up for you to reply for like ten minutes, then I’m going to hit the sack. Tomorrow I’m going to the Flea Market in the morning. Maybe we can get together and play Frisbee in the afternoon?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Firecrackers

I’m trying to type this back within ten minutes! We’ll see!

Yes, on the Frisbee tomorrow. I’ll bring my happy face Frisbee that I got from Wal-Mart if you’ll bring the dorky chemistry goggles and wear your 70s khaki shorts that end high up on your thighs with the socks that go up to your knees. Please, please be Jon Heder. I actually think it’s such a turn on… Khaki shorts. Mmm.

I kind of feel weird telling you this, but you asked, and I didn’t offer the information, so it’s not too bad. Just don’t disclose it to Hannah or Laura. Yeah, I’ve been talking to her. She called me Monday night after she got my number from you, and she’s called me a few times since then. Not every night, but two or three times this week. I’m not sure why she all of a sudden woke up happy this morning. We didn’t talk about much of significance last night. Monday and Tuesday when we talked about her dad, it was a lot more of a revelation type thing. Between you and I, the reason I think she’s not talking to anyone is because everyone she can talk to is so close to the situation, if that makes sense. Maybe she feels like she’ll make Laura or Caitlin sadder by talking about it? I’m not sure, just a thought. Last night we talked about her gymnastics. Her gym has a huge meet coming up in a few weekends. Labor day weekend, I think it was. She asked if I could come, and I told her I would try my hardest. She told me I could bring you if I felt like it ;) It was funny. Anyway, her and Caitlin are both competing and apparently it’s her first big meet. So... She got off the phone right after we talked about that, though. So I don’t think it had anything to do with me. But... will you come with me?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: It’s 2:29!

That’s what she said.

Yes, I’ll go to her meet with you. I have to admit though, I am a bit jealous she’s talking to you. I want her to talk to you and get everything out, I just miss her. And I know Laura and Caitlin miss her too. Maybe next time she calls you or you call her you can tell her to talk to them a bit… I’m not going to lie, it’s kind of strange that you’re talking to my niece. Not in a bad way, it’s just… If we told a stranger about this, they’d probably think it was nuts or a little weird. But it’s not. And I trust you with her, and Laura does because I told her to. Thanks.

Did you just tell me Jon Heder turns you on? I will wear khaki shorts for you, if you promise to grant one of my wishes later. In the blind. You have to grant it, even if you don’t like it. And don’t worry, I won’t make it something awful.

Anyway, call me tomorrow morning when you wake up. I’ll talk to you then. Now, I’m off to sleep.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Jockstraps

Hi.

So I just opened our little chain of emails from Friday night, and it was just a tiny bit embarrassing. At least you wrote me back and flirted with me too. Although, in retrospect, I probably should have just emailed my sister. Not that you aren’t great, but when you dish about a boy, you should do it to your sister, not the boy.

So anyway… Dwight is wearing a shirt that says, “Scranton Male Swimsuit Competition, 2004.” Do you think he picked it up at Goodwill? I really, honest to God hope so. Oh, and I brought the leash… You know, if you want to try it.

Can I ask you something, Jim?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Czolgosz, working man

I asked Dwight about his shirt. I got the following response:

“What do you think, Jim? The Schrute’s don’t shop at Goodwill. It has a long history of selling items that mix cotton and polyester, and the Schrute family only wears 100 percent cotton at all times. Even our underwear is 100 percent cotton. I got this shirt from participating in the Scranton Male Swimsuit Competition in 2004. I was runner-up. Mose won.”

So, there you have it. I can’t imagine what his competition was if he and Mose were the top two finishers. Would you ever want to judge the Schrute family swimsuit competition?

The leash? Sweet! I have the dog collar… How are we going to manage this one?

Sure, you can ask me something.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Vera Bradley

Wow. I never pictured Dwight as 100 percent cotton. I would think he would go with the silk long johns.

I can’t imagine what the competition was. Nor do I want to. Gross.

You’ll figure it out.

What should I call you?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: TPS Reports

Call me Jim. It is my name.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Internet explorer

That’s not what I meant, and you know it.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim HalpertSubject:
Babies are for lovers

You mean our relationship? Call it whatever you want.

Can I have question twelve please?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: The kiss will know if the lips stay still

Jim, stop it. I want to know what you’re thinking.

Question Twelve: What is your biggest regret?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Elon

I don’t know, Pam. I don’t know what you want it to be. I’ve wanted to be with you for a long time, so it’s hard for me to sit here and tell you that when I’m not sure how you’re feeling or what you want out of it.

My biggest regret…. Not telling you that you shouldn’t have been with Roy. I watched you with him for so long, and I knew he wasn’t right for you, and I wanted you to be happy so bad… But I didn’t want to hurt you. I knew he wasn’t right for you, but who was I to say anything? Maybe if I’d said something to you, you would have gotten out of it earlier and avoided more heartbreak… I don’t know.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Pooperman

Hey, it’s okay to be vulnerable with me, buddy. You don’t have to be nervous about it. You know we’re friends through thick and thin.

So, you want to be with me? Is that what I heard out of there? (Not teasing, just making sure I heard you correctly)

You could have said something, but I’m not sure it would have forced me away from him at all… I mean, there were a lot of reasons to call off my wedding, and you made me realize a ton of them, but still. If you’d come flat out and said it wasn’t right and that I shouldn’t marry him… I don’t know, I might have just to spite you. I was hurting so much, and you were a cause of that. I was confused… I wouldn’t regret not saying something. I have to make my own decisions, and sometimes, you have to be heartbroken to realize what you really want and need out of life.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: They Might Be Giants

I know it’s okay. It’s still hard for me, though.

Yes, I want to be with you. Listen to the Green Eyes song again and tell me if you really think the only part that reminds me of you is green eyes that smile. (Hint: What follows that line is "and I want you now.")

But, it doesn’t matter what I want if it’s not what you want.

I’m sorry I hurt you… I never meant to. I’m not sure how I did, but I’m assuming you’re talking about how I wasn’t a good friend to you. I don’t know, Pam… Things were just so awkward when you were with him. Not in a necessarily bad way, because you were with him the whole time, so our relationship was based on awkwardness, but still… I’m sorry you had to be heartbroken to realize what you wanted and needed out of life… I guess I just didn’t realize you were as unhappy as you were.

Will you tell me your biggest regret now?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject:Ruttabagas

I thought so. I listened to your CD the other night. It made me smile, a lot. California Stars is a great song. I’m assuming you were talking about me when you mentioned it reminded you of a girl you knew. But yeah, I figured that wasn’t the only part of Green Eyes.

You know, I want to be with you too. Don’t be afraid of being so open, sometimes the other person is just waiting for you to be. I need to know that you’re going to be open with me, Jim. Otherwise, it will never work. I can’t do another relationship where both of us are closed and reserved. I need to be able to tell you what I’m thinking, and I need to trust that you’ll do the same. Okay?

You just hurt me with the whole Katy thing, I guess… I always valued your friendship so much, and whenever you started dating, you pulled away from me a bit, and it hurt so much. I don’t know, I guess I didn’t realize that was more than just the surface talking. I’ve always been really invested in you.

I’m not sure what my biggest regret is. I don’t really have any. I think I believe that everything happens for a reason and has a purpose, and it might just be a purpose for stringing other events together or making you grow stronger, but there’s still a purpose there… I just look back on my life and there are so many things that have gone wrong but they’ve only made me stronger… You know?

I guess though, that if I had to pick one thing I would change, I wouldn’t have gone out with Abby and Brian and Roy that night… The memory of it just haunts me so much.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Fruit snacks

Don’t say that, Pam. It might have been painful for you, and you might look back on it with sadness and dread, but think about it from Abby’s shoes. She got to spend her last night out with her best friend, eating pizza and laughing and having a good time. If you had to pick what you were going to do on your last day on earth, wouldn’t you want to do something similar?

But yeah, I see what you mean about regrets and how everything works together. It amazes me how sure of it you are, with all you’ve been through. I haven’t been through nearly as much, and I’m still not sure that everything has a reason or a purpose… I guess I know that there’s a reason I’m working at Dunder-Mifflin and maybe it’s to meet you, but other than that… I don’t know.

I never meant to push you away, Pam. I guess I just didn’t realize I was doing it. There was some part of me that believed that I couldn’t be as close to you as I was while still being a good boyfriend. I kind of felt like I was cheating by being your best friend… And so maybe that’s why I pushed you away a little bit. I don’t know. I never meant to hurt you, though.

Well then, I guess in answer to your question, why don’t you just refer to me as your boyfriend? That is, if you’re okay with that.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Green bean cake

I guess you’re right. If I had to pick my last day on earth, I’d want to spend it with my best friend and my boyfriend. So maybe it was for the best. Sometimes it’s just hard to see the good of a situation through your own eyesight. I guess I needed you to let me see your rose colored glasses.

About what you said though… You’re almost there. You just have to delve deeper. There’s a reason you were born in Pennsylvania, there’s a reason you went to a certain college, met certain people, opened up the newspaper and found this job opening, applied for it, met me… It all just works together. If you’d been born to a different family, in Antarctica, do you really think you’d go to the same college, work here, meet me? It just all works together. I just wonder if maybe it’s too coincidental for it to be coincidental, you know? There’s a reason behind it all. Even if it is just to bring two stubborn people together.

Boyfriend it is.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Lime green

So, you want to spend your last day on earth with me and Hannah? How cute.

Okay, I see what you mean. I’ll think about it a bit more.

You’re talking to Dwight… What are you talking to Dwight about? Oh my gosh, did he just get down on all fours? Oh my gosh, Pam! HOW ARE YOU DOING THIS?!?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Yorkshire Terriers

It’s not that difficult, Jim. I just told Dwight that Staples was running an ad with a dog that barked out orders about buying more paper. Dwight took offense to it, and decided that a human dog was more personable and approachable. We decided he should go down to Staples soon and stand outside the store and bark for Dunder Mifflin. He was about ready to go, but I convinced him to stay and practice.

Please tell me you took a picture? Not only was he wearing a leash, AND his collar, but he was barking out orders. He even lifted his leg, pretending to pee on Toby. Tell me, does that not deserve mad props.

Oh, and that was cute when you gave him a bone.

Now, I want my trip to China.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Mesmerized

You’re the best girlfriend ever, do you know that?

I was reading a magazine article yesterday about Synesthesia. Have you ever heard of it? It’s so awesome. Okay, I’m going to be honest. I didn’t read a magazine article. Hannah left one of her books at my house last weekend and I read it. It’s called “A Mango Shaped Space.” It’s really good, and it makes me wish I had Synesthesia, which I’m sure you have no idea what it is, but it’s awesome. It would come in so handy with my art!

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: I love Ethel

Okay, well that’s all good and well, but what is your fourth-grade reading book about? I can’t really converse with you about it if you won’t tell me what it’s about.

PS. Don’t drop your cell phone in Sprite. It stops working. Go figure.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Chester A. Arthur

Oh! Sorry! Apparently a small percentage of the people in the world can experience two senses at one time… Like they can taste words or hear colors or something. I’m not really sure how to describe it. In the book, the little girl could hear numbers as colors, and it helped her when she added stuff because she could just remember colors… And some of her friends could taste words, so when they wrote papers, the bad sounding stuff literally tasted bad in their mouths It’s kind of cool. Look it up online.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Cherry-flavored condoms

Interesting… But how would that help you with your art?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Trains

Think about it, Jim. If I could play music and hear colors, maybe I could paint more vibrantly and create a piece of art that really represents a song or a movie, or a feeling or something I say out loud… I could really get inside my inspiration and really capture it, rather than just trying to do so.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Tapioca pudding

But isn’t part of the great thing about creating art the process of interpreting your inspiration on your own? If you could just hear and see the colors, you wouldn’t really have that chance.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Retirement homes

I guess that’s true. When did you become this wise?

And why did you drop your phone in Sprite?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: The Enlightenment

I took a Flinstones vitamin this morning. I hear it has a lot of B12 and C and intelligence inside it. Grape flavored.

I didn’t mean to. I just happened to on accident. I was thirsty after we got off the phone last night so I went and got a Sprite and I accidentally dropped it in there… It’s not a big deal. I just wanted you to know I’m unreachable by phone today.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Monopoly Life

You’re unreachable? Really? You don’t have a home phone I could call?

Grape is the best flavor. And Flinstones is the best kind. Duh.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Bubba Gump

I don’t actually… I figure anyone important will call my cell phone.

You will not believe what I just saw.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Daffy Duck

What did you see? Tell me!

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: blankies

Dwight, on fanfiction. net uploading the ninth chapter of his Battlestar Gallactica story. I’m not kidding.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Billy Bragg

Oh my gosh. What is his penname? I really want to go read it!

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Beets-o-rama

I have no idea. But the name of his story had something to do with keys to earth or something… I’m not really sure. But you’re honestly going to read that stuff?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Wal-Mart

What? You get addicted to it….

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Cardigans

Oh my gosh. My girlfriend reads fanfiction. Are you kidding?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: IT Guy

It all happens so fast…

Some of it isn’t written by thirteen year olds and is actually pretty steamy…

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Oh really?

Really now? So you read this before you pull out Freddie?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Go Cure Cancer

ITS CARLOS!

Well, let’s put it this way… You have to put a rating on your stories… I only read the ones that are rated M for “mature”.

Now, can I have my question please?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Jack Daniels and a coke, hold the coke

Okay, I guess that’s not as bad…

Question 13: Tell me about your first time doin’ the nasty.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Line dancing

Oh wow, that won’t be an awkward series of emails at all.

What do you want to know?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Grandma got ran over by a reindeer

Who with? How old were you? Where was it? Was it good? Anything else you feel you should tell me.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Retro toasters

Wow. Let’s see.

I was 17, it was after a party that I went to with Roy and Abby and Brian. Our friend Chris was hosting it and there was lots of beer and drugs… I only had a few drinks, Roy had more than a few and a few... other things, too. Unfortunately, I was too stupid to realize that I should have left earlier. Anyway, Roy got really frisky and we went upstairs and did it in some guest bedroom. And no, it wasn’t particularly good. It hurt. He went too fast, and he couldn’t stop because he was so drunk and horny he didn’t know what he was doing. The walls were spinning, and I felt like I could throw up… Have you ever seen Derailed, with Jennifer Aniston? It was kind of like that, except I wasn’t asking to be raped (nor was I). It was just that bad. And I ran home crying, I hated it so much.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Micro Remote Control Helicopter

I’m sorry, that really stinks. I was hoping it was a good experience for you. If I would have been there, I would have kicked his ass so hard.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Uptight Christian bitch

It’s alright. Eventually I’ll meet someone who will rock my world so much I’ll forget all about Roy’s inaptitude. ;)

And, what about yours? Or was mine not acceptable?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Darth Vader

It was acceptable for the game. Definitely not acceptable in real life.

I was sixteen. It was with my high school girlfriend, Brittany. She was a senior at the time, and I was trying to impress her by being that cool sophomore. I thought if I could land her I could get any girl by just saying I’d done a senior. It was really quick, painless (for me, and her, she wasn’t exactly a virgin) and there was no feeling or emotion attached to it. I was just too young to really understand what I was doing, I think. I don’t remember much about it, it’s kind of a blur. I don’t even remember what she looked like. I guess it was good. It must have been if I kept coming back, but not near as good as it could be.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Dwight

You said you didn’t really understand what you were doing? What do you mean by that? And what do you mean, not as good as it could be?

To: Pamela Beesly
From Jim Halpert
Subject: Twizzlers

I mean that I think sex means more when you care about the other person and do it because you’re in love with the person you’re having sex with, as opposed to just doing it because you think you should or it might be fun or it’s a way to pass the time. I think the more you care about the other person, the more it means to you and the better it is… When it becomes more than just an act.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Barrettes

I agree with you on that one. I’m glad to know it means something to you other than just a quick lay.

I painted you a picture last night. Come by my desk and see it when you get a chance. It’s the one with the purple-pink flower. I have to go to lunch with Kelly now. Sorry, I forgot to tell you… She cornered me and was asking me all of these questions about us and since we decided to keep it a secret, I didn’t know what to tell her so I just agreed to go to lunch… Believe me, this pains me far worse than it pains you.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Davy Jones

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA! You better let me know how round 1 of Kill Pam went.

When is the gymnastics meet again?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Sex to nieces, smooth

Next weekend. And I already talked to Laura and we can stay at her house for the weekend. You can still come, right? You better! Those girls need you right now, Jimbles.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Absolutely, I do

Yes, I’ll be there. Have fun at lunch today.

Dwight was telling me about the dream he had wear a black bear chased him up and down the mountain side and through the forbidden forest into the chamber of secrets. He also claims Voldemort is not gay because he saw Voldemort kissing Professor Slughorn with his own eyes. I had to remind him that Slughorn is male. He then conceded.

PS. Is your underwear 100 percent cotton? Dwight’s is!

Jim, I see one problem with us being in a relationship. And it’s a kind of huge problem.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject Storage boxes

Uh oh…

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Blondies

Oh, Jim! I didn’t mean it like that! It’s not big enough for me to want out of our relationship. I’m just saying we have a problem.

And here it is.

Now that we’re getting into the more personal questions of 21 Questions, I feel kind of weird asking you to tell me some of the stuff that, as my boyfriend, you should want to tell me anyway… Or at least think to tell me…

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Cleaning the bathroom

So, you’re saying that because I tell you because you asked, rather than because I wanted to, or even remembered to, it’s not as special or you don’t feel loved or accepted? I’m not really sure I got that right.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Marilyn Manson

Not exactly. I guess what I’m saying is that part of being in a relationship is wanting to tell the other person your stuff… Not needing someone to ask before you share. That kind of thing… I just feel like we might be cheapening that a bit… Not that I don’t trust you, but when we do this game, how am I supposed to know that you wanted to tell me rather than you just felt obligated to?

Am I making too much out of this?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Lilacs

Okay, I understand what you’re saying. But remember, at the beginning of this game we both agreed to play, which means, at some level, we both agreed that by the end of the game, we might be sharing our deepest, darkest secrets. And we were okay with that. We both agreed. So it’s not necessarily a force or an obligation to tell something, but it’s a want to. And you know if I asked you a question that you just really didn’t feel comfortable answering, I would back down.

As for wanting to tell you things… Maybe you don’t do this, but sometimes, when I want to tell you something, I’ll ask you the question I want to answer because I know that I’ll have to answer it eventually.

And, I always want to tell you everything. Did you know that?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Fire truck puzzles

Really? I had no idea.

I guess you’re right. We did agree to tell each other everything, so it really shouldn’t matter how it comes up… And I guess your idea of asking questions is right… I just feel weird because the question that pops into my mind as our fourteenth is one that I just really don’t want to have to ask.. I’d rather you just tell me.

I just… I don’t want to be that girlfriend. You know? The one that asks her boyfriend all of the deep, penetrating questions because he’s closed and won’t tell her anything… Or because she’s paranoid and nervous, or I don’t know…

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Cat costumes

Do I have to come over there and knock you silly? Listen to me. I want to tell you my crap. Okay? I want you to know everything about me. If that freaks you out, I’m sorry, but I want you to know. And you don’t have to be afraid of asking me questions. I’m not going to yell at you and go running to the nearest bar. Do you understand that?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Jolly Green Giants

But… I just don’t want to be that girlfriend… I want to be the one where the boyfriend wants to tell her stuff.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Anti-perspirant

Pam, I’m not Roy.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Expo markers

Oh my god… Jim, I’m so sorry. I didn’t even realize he’s where all that was coming from… I know you’re not Roy... I just….

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Hootie and the Blowfish

You have a really bad problem with going to the bathroom when you’re embarrassed or sad. It’s okay. You can’t help how you feel or how he hurt you and changed you. I’m just going to have to work a little harder to make you feel loved and appreciated, that’s all. And I don’t mind doing that.

You said you don’t want to have to ask the fourteenth question. Would you feel better if I just answered as many as I thought you might be wary of asking?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Toilets

There’s just something calming about the flush of a toilet… I’m sorry. I’m so dark and twisty. I hope you can handle that.

Yeah…

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: McDogs

You are not Meredith Grey… I am, however, McDreamy. You’re not too dark and twisty for me. You’re going to have to try harder than that to scare me off, Bees.

As for your answers: I don’t have any STDs. I’ve never gotten a girl pregnant. I’ve never attempted suicide or hurt myself in any way. I masturbate about 4-5 times a week (but maybe it’ll go down soon)… Um, that’s all I can really come up with right now. Did your question fit any of those?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Butterflies

If you’re McDreamy, I have to be Meredith. Who else can I be? (And how do you know all of this about Grey’s. Is this guilty pleasure number 23231313?)

I’m glad you don’t have any STDs. I’m glad you haven’t gotten a girl pregnant or tried to hurt yourself. The masturbation stat is pretty interesting to me… Geez, Jim, why don’t you find a girl that can take care of that.

None of those were my questions.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Chinese chicken go meow

I know about Grey’s from Kelly. Geez.

Does that particular stat hurt your feelings? You see, I’m at this dilemma, and the dilemma is that I have a girlfriend who could fulfill that particular need for me, but I don’t want to rush her or make her feel like that’s all I want from her because it’s not. And I don’t even really want to bring it up to her because I don’t want her to feel pressured just because I brought it up. But, if she asked me to stop, I think I could do it.

Then what was your question?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Blue belts

Oh, okay. A little less creepy now.

No, it didn’t hurt my feelings. I was just playing with you. It would hurt my feelings if it was that high and we were having sex, though... And, I’m sorry about your dilemma. I’m sure your girlfriend really appreciates you not rushing her, though. It’s a big step, and if she’s anything like me, she has certain ideas about when she should have sex and with whom, so it takes her a little while to actually go at it… Not that she doesn’t want to, it’s just a big step for her and she doesn’t want to take it lightly because when she does have sex, it means a lot to her… You’re a gentleman, not wanting to pressure her like that.

And since you told me all of that about you, I feel like I should reply and tell you I don’t have any STDs, I’ve never been pregnant either (though I did have one small scare), and my masturbation stat is almost as high as yours. I have a man that could take care of that for me, but we’re not taking that step yet.

And to add to my dark and twisty-ness: As far as the hurting myself thing goes, once in sixth grade I seriously debated taking some pills, but I think it was just a hormonal rage type thing… The phone rang and jolted me out of it before I was actually going to do anything.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Wax fingers

You don’t have to explain your reasoning for not wanting to have sex, Pam. I’m okay waiting as long as you want to, and it won’t affect our relationship if you don’t want to do it until five days after we’re married. I just want you to know that I do want you and desire you. And it means a lot to me too. But you’re exceeding all expectations of girlfriend capabilities, so it’s not taken me very long to get there.

I’m glad the phone rang. I’m not sure what I would do without you. You and your phones. Is this some kind of sick love affair you have going on? If so, I’m jealous.

Now, the question? It’s making me nervous the way you’re avoiding asking it.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Headphones

Thank you, Jim. You really are just too amazing. And I’m glad the phone rang too. And shut up. You’re not funny. Even if I am smiling like a school girl.

Okay, the question. Question Fourteen: How many partners have you had?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: T.S. Elliot

Oh, that’s the question?

Hold on, let me count them all.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Fargo

Oh my gosh… Is that really your number? That’s the third time you’ve counted to ten… Jim, that’s scaring me, I’m not going to lie.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Semicolons

Hey, settle down. I was just playing with you. Remember how I said I thought sex was special? Yeah, there aren’t thirty women in my life that are special.

I count three. Brittany, my college girlfriend Andrea, and Katy.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Coach

Three is better than thirty…

But… Katy?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Hanging by a moment

Katy… Let’s see… How do I explain this one? No, I didn’t feel about her the way I should have to elicit sex. I just. This is hard to explain, and not exactly the way I wanted to.

Do you have any idea how long I’ve loved you?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Christmas presents

I’m sorry, I just choked on my applesauce.

Did you just tell me you love me? Through an email? And did you say you have for a long time? How long?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Snow White

I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to tell you in an email. Was the phone call better? I promise, I’ll tell you for real later. In person. To your face. When I get over how idiotic I was to tell you in an email.

And yeah, it’s been for a long time. What can I say? I would say since the day I met you, but I think that would be a fabrication. I’ve definitely been interested in you that long, but it was about two years ago, I guess… And then when things started moving along with Roy, I couldn’t stand it. Which is why I dated Katy. And then when Katy was ready to have sex, it just seemed like… I don’t know, maybe the easiest way to get you off my mind and out of my head? I don’t know.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: The Fray

Jim, promise me that if you ever need to get me out of your head again, you won’t go bang another girl. I don’t think I can take it.

The phone call was better. Don’t beat yourself up over it, honey.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Underneath the covers

I promise I’ll never go "bang another girl" to get you out of my head. I’m sorry that hurt your feelings. Believe me, it hurt me too.

You called me honey.

Now, how many partners have you had?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Oceans Twelve

Wow, so you’re the first person to know this. But, 2.

Roy and I broke up for like three weeks in college. Steven, in my Spanish class. I just wanted to have a taste of something different. DO NOT SAY IT.

Yes, I called you honey.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: That’s what she said?

Wow. You never told Roy, huh?

I like honey.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Whoopee Cushions

Nope. I would have had the ass whooping of the century. Though I’m pretty sure he had sex.. I mean, it was three weeks, so that’s 21 days… So probably 20 girls.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Gymnastics

He just never knew what he had. You know that, right? You aren’t stupid for loving him or wanting him to love you back. He’s stupid for letting you slide through his fingers.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: 1-800-psychic

I’m beginning to see that.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Wheat

Want to know something? I’m really excited about our trip this weekend. It’ll be nice to have a weekend with you.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Vaca

I’m excited too. Just remember to make a good playlist for us. We have a long drive… And you know you won’t get all weekend with me. I’d like to get to know Laura and Caitlin too, you know? Seeing as I’m in a relationship with their uncle.

God, Jim, I don’t know how we’ll ever break up…

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Scars

We’re not going to. I’m not going to leave you. I’m not Roy.

It’s already done, the playlist. You can add to it if you want. Laura and Caitlin will love you.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Alerts

Just keep reminding me. Eventually, it’ll get through my thick skull, and I’ll be able to let go of those fears. Okay?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Tic-tac toe

I really don’t understand gymnastics at all. I know you enjoyed it, but really, all they do is do flips through the air and let their crotches fly out into the open. How do you let your kids do that? I just don’t understand the appeal… I mean, Caitlin and Hannah were really cute and all, but still… Did you have fun getting to know Laura?

I know you won’t get this email until Monday, and it’s Sunday now, but I kind of have to write you one to keep my mind off of the fact that you’re out with my sister and her children doing a “girls day out.” Honestly, it scares me… I really hope Laura doesn’t drive you away. And don’t get me started on Caiti. She once ran away one of my girlfriends. I’m not kidding! I just hope she didn’t do it to you…

But they don’t know we’re dating, so it’s alright… right?

Well, I’m sure I’ll tell you all of this tonight anyway (because I like telling you stuff) but all I’ve done today is eat scrambled eggs, type an email to you, watch City Slickers, and color in Hannah’s coloring books.

I’m bored, here at home. Blah. And don’t even say it. I know I chose to stay here. It sounded more appealing than going to Claire’s and Payless and getting salad and teddy bears… It still is more appealing. I just like to complain because I miss my girls.

I saw on the bookshelf yesterday that Laura has the first three seasons of The Bachelor on DVD. I’m going to go watch it. Shut up.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Mary Kay tinted moisturizer

Jim, be supportive of your nieces. Yes, maybe they were flipping through the air wearing tiny outfits, but they worked really hard, and it was cool to watch. And you better believe my children will be doing gymnastics. It’s really good for them. They build a lot of strength and it’s fun and they’re taught how to eat healthy and do all of that stuff. It’s good for them. And I hope you’ll come to my girls’ gymnastics meets when they have them.

Laura’s sweet. You guys were so funny together. You must have had so much fun torturing your mother when you were little. I can just picture you guys purposely bringing in as much mud as you could after mom cleaned the kitchen. You know?

As for our girls day out… I made a pact with them that we wouldn’t talk to you about the discussions/activities that went on. I’m sorry, but we did. But, just to put your mind at rest, I will tell you again (even though I told you nine times in the car) that it was perfectly fine. Laura and I chatted and laughed and can easily be friends, and Caitlin tried to scare me away, but she’s not very good at it. And Hannah, of course, was just my little friend. And as far as them knowing we’re dating, I might have let it slip… I did let it slip. But they’re happy about it.

Your girls? How cute, Jim.

Now, before I castrate you more, let me change the subject. So, I was watching Sunday Night Football last night and I noticed the Colts were winning…

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Marriage

Ha. Ha. You know I don’t watch Football. I watch baseball! Ask me about the Phillies!!!

I’m glad you liked my family. And shut up about me calling them my girls. They are. They’re all girls. And you’re one of them too. And my mom. And my old dog, Ginger. Shush. Dogs are people, too.

I can’t believe you let it slip. You can’t even last three weeks! It’s been 15 days, and you’re already telling my family! Get your own family to tell!

Blaaaaah. Why is it so boring today?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Turkey sandwiches

Jim? Can you read? You said, and I quote, “Dogs are people, too.” Are they? Are they really, Jim?

Oh shut up. You don’t know how good girls are at sensing these things. And Caitlin came right out and asked me about it.

It’s boring because SOMEBODY left our rubix cube at home. Jerk.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Courthouse

Dogs are people. Exhibit A: Dwight Kurt Schrute. Apparently located at 1313 Eastside Street. AKA. The Pound.

She asked if we were dating? Really? Caitlin? I find that hard to believe.

Woah, woah, woah. First of all, “we” don’t own a rubix cube. Jim owns a rubix cube. Jim left his rubix cube at home. There is no we in that.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Dangling participles

Okay, I concede.

Yes, Caitlin asked. Well, she really asked if we kissed. Actually, she more stated it…. Yeah, she definitely stated it. We were talking about some movie she’d seen and she said, “When you and Uncle Jim kiss, do you kiss like THAT?!” Her mom scolded her, my face went red, and Hannah giggled.

Oh. I thought when you became a couple everything became a “we”.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Snowflakes

You mean the way your all-you-can-eat pancakes became “ours” this morning? Yeah, let’s talk about that, why don’t we?

What did you tell her?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Rollodex

Jim, that’s completely different. A rubix cube is a rubix cube. All-you-can-eat pancakes are all-you-can-eat pancakes! You can’t share those! Let me rephrase the statement, “everything the boy owns becomes an ours, while the girl’s things remains strictly the girl’s.” Better? I think so! Now, hand me our University of Michigan sweater, please!

I told her we kiss more civilized.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Pictures

Well, that hardly seems fair! No, “we” have to share all if I have to share all.

Oh god. She’s not even supposed to know about that stuff yet! She’s only ten…. Isn’t Ariel still supposed to fall in love with Eric and hardly ever kiss? No….

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Swampstock River Festival

Okay, Jim. My tampons are now officially “our” tampons. Which means we are out, and you need to run to the store and get some for us.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Damn

I walked into that one. What kind of pampons do you need?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Jetplanes

Regular. Playtex, please. Please pick up the extra big box. More bang for your buck. That’s what she said.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Gross

I was kidding. I’m not going to the store to buy tampons… Pam….

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Dishwasher safe

Jim, WE need them. Now go. Man up.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Arithmetic

The operative word there is MAN. M-a-n. As in, has a penis. As in, does not have an inverted penis, also known as a vagina. As in, has no use for tampons.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Men

I need them soon, Jim. Please stop being so selfish.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Pouty face

Okay, I ordered them off the internet.eBay, actually.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Doctors

Aww, thanks for running out and getting some, Jim. (I know you can’t buy them off the internet, retard). Also, just so you know. WE are not out. YOU are out. I have an entire pack at my house.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: I hate you.

By the way, Dwight knows your ovulation. He has little red P’s on his calendar at work.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Wrestling

What? I thought the P’s stand for paper?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Sharpies

Well, then what do K, MP, PL, and M stand for? In paper business?

To: Jim Halpert

From: Pam Beesly

Subject: Toes

Better question: If K is Kelly, PL is Phyllis… MP is Meredith, I’m assuming… Who is M? And where is Angela?

To: Pam Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Cookies

I have no idea who M is… Michael, maybe? I hear he ovulates regularly… And maybe he hasn’t figured out Angela’s yet.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pam Beesly
Subject: Surveillance

Right, he doesn’t know his own girlfriend’s time of the month. Even you know that.

To: Pam Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: The Today Show

I do?

Whose turn is it?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Brownies

You haven’t noticed I’ve been Pam with a side order of bitchy today? Or that I was out of tampons?

I think its yours.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: The Diner

Correction: I was out of tampons. Not you. Not we. Not us. Not them. I. Me.

And no, I haven’t noticed your extra order today.

Okay, question fifteen: What is your deepest, darkest secret?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Teddy bears

Is that a red J I see on Dwight’s calendar? Oh, I think it is…

My deepest, darkest secret? This is horrible Jim. Don’t break up with me.

When I was a teenager, I did a lot of babysitting, especially for my next door neighbor’s son. The father was never home and the mother went out with her friends a lot, so it was a lot of babysitting, but they were the type of parents that would let their kid stay home at night without a babysitter once he turned six or so… And I really wanted the money. I’m a bedroom snoop, and when he was asleep I’d go into their bedroom and go through their drawers. I found a packet of condoms… I put a pin through the middle of them and effectively assured myself another 5 years of babysitting…

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Naughty list

Oh my gosh, Beesly!!!! You are a little devil. I can’t believe you did that. I am so impressed and scared and oh my… Speechless. So acceptable.

You better not ever do that to me.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: American flags

Oh please. I know you thought it was hilarious. Even Kelly could hear you laughing down the hall with her iPod speakers blasting the 13 Going on 30 soundtrack.

It would be stupid to do it to you. Since it would be a pin through my own condoms. Maybe… Probably.

Okay, your turn. Deepest, darkest secret.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Nakey Nakey, eggs and bakey

Oh, is that so? You really think the condoms in my nightstand drawer will be for you? Good to know. Also means you should go pick up some condoms because WE are out of them… Wait. That didn’t work. Damn.

My deepest, darkest secret is that when I had sex with Katy, I always imagined you.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Blue stars

Well, I can guarantee you that you’re not getting anything without a pack of tampons (Playtex, regular. It’s a pink box. You spell regular r-e-g-u-l-a-r) and condoms at your house. So, I think that means YOU are out of supplies, not US.

And that secret is unacceptable. For one, I already knew it. Or, at least I hoped it.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: 27 cents

I’ll be making a run to CVS this evening after work, then. Regular, Playtex. Got it

I can’t decide between these two:

I’ve always wanted to rob a bank.

When I was sixteen, I trashed my parents’ house when they were out of town to make it look like I had a party while they were gone, just so my parents would think I had a lot of friends.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Nalgene bottles

You are so ready for me to be ready. It’s quite endearing.

Oh, Jim. That’s a sad secret. The second one, I mean… Did you really not have any friends in high school?

I’ve always wanted to rob a bank too. Shh. I think everyone has that fantasy.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Brown sugar

I’m sorry… Am I pressuring you? I don’t mean to be. I just want you, and you’re the only person I talk to about that kind of stuff… It seems weird not to.

We can rob one together! Except not. We can wish we did together, though.

I didn’t have very many. I was really geeky. You’ve seen my picture. I ran track and was a big nerd. The only thing cool about me was that I dated one of the coolest girls in school… But then again, a lot of guys dated her. It was okay. I had a few friends, just not a lot. And no good ones.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: October

You’re okay, honey. I know you’re not trying to get in my pants before I’m ready.

If you ever need help trashing your house, for any reason, call me. I’ll help you.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Lightning

Thanks, baby.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Pop tarts

Yay! I’m baby!

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Kelly

Shush.

Your momma’s so big she could eat the internet, baby.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Fingers

Well, your momma’s so big Dora can’t even explore her, honey.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Faith Hill

Your momma’s so fat when she went outside she got stuck, baby.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Power outlets

Your momma’s so fat when she put on Guess jeans, the answer popped out, honey.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Sprinkles

Your momma is so old, she was a waitress at the Last Supper, baby.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Lemonade

That was really a lame one, honey.

I was planning on making some pasta tonight if you want to come over after your CVS run. Maybe we can watch a movie or something? I don’t know. I’m a bad date-planner.

I’ve been listening to the CD you made me nonstop.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Page 10

Yeah, see you later.

PS. Your momma is so dumb, she sold her car for gas money.

Okay, that was lame too.

Jim, I’m so sorry.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Goodnight, and Goodluck

I just… I can’t believe it.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: The Spotted Pig

I know, sweetie… I really am sorry.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Secret for Women

I just can’t believe it. I mean, honestly. What an ass! I would never, ever do that to you!

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Fried Wontons

I know you wouldn’t date 25 girls at once, get down to me and one other girl, send the other girl home, and then send me home too. I understand you’re not a jerk. Don’t worry.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Certificates

I just feel like I’ve wasted all of my time.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Double Dog Dare

Jim, it’s Reality TV. It’s The Bachelor, honey. It’s not real… Even if it is Reality TV, it’s not real. Okay?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Strings

I know… It’s just that now I have no closure.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Dinosaurs

Okay, pretty boy, snap out of it.

I’ll make it up to you tonight. I want you to show up at my house at 7 pm. Dressed as nicely as you can manage (I know, it’s hard for you. Hehe). And for the rest of the day, I don’t want to hear anything more about how much you hate Brad Womack.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Tuxedos

Wow, sounds like you have something planned, Beesly. Stepping up and being a man in the relationship?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Judy Blume

Well, somebody has to be.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Speakers

Ouch!

Tell me a funny story.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: USB cords

Well, last night around midnight I had this huge hankering for chocolate milk. So I went into my pantry, and there was an unopened box of cocoa mix. So I tried to peel back the little paperish cover thing… You know what I’m talking about? But it wouldn’t budge! So I decided to try and punch a hole through the top, and when I did, all of the cocoa mix exploded all over me. I was covered in it, everywhere. And my floor is a mess, which really stinks because my sister is coming into town this weekend and I’d just cleaned it yesterday!

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Purple People Eaters

I was wondering why you looked tanner all of a sudden.

And your sister? Really? When were you planning on telling me this?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Cocoa

Oh shut up…

My sister, yes. And I did tell you. Why are you acting like I didn’t? Does that ruin your big plans for the weekend or something?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Chill mat

Well, I was just kind of hoping to spend some time with you this weekend.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Balooga

You are such a baby. You can still spend time with me. Just because Diana’s here doesn’t mean you have to go AWOL on me. You’re going to have to meet her eventually, you know?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Who is The Mole?

I know that. I’m sure she’s amazing. So amazing, maybe I’ll leave you for her?

Are you ready for question sixteen?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: France

I can’t believe you just said that.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Emily Giffin

What? I was just kidding.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Post Secret

Well, don’t kid about that kind of stuff. You know I’m insecure about it.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Floral dresses

I’m sorry, Pam. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. You’re the only Beesly for me. And definitely the only girl for me…

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Center stage

… Men on the other hand, are a different ball game?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: IMs

Shut it, Beesly.

Question sixteen: What was your biggest heartbreak? Who did it, why did it break, and how did you get over it?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Blue scrunchie

You’re just fishing for compliments, aren’t you Halpert?

No, I’m kidding.

Obviously, my biggest heartbreak was Roy. I’m not sure how to really describe it, but I’ll try. I guess it wasn’t really Roy that broke my heart, so much as the idea of Roy. I mean, I dated him for ten years. That’s a really, really long time. And from the time I was seventeen until twenty-seven, which are pretty important years. You’re supposed to grow up a lot during those years, I think, and I’m not sure if I really had the chance to because I was always being the Pam Roy wanted me to be, not the Pam I wanted to be. And I had all of these naïve ideas about love, and this notion that love meant sacrificing for the other person—which is true, but only if you don’t give up who you are in the process. And so I heard all of these stories about high school sweethearts who get married and have kids and grow old together and are happy, like Allie and Noah in The Notebook or something. And I started thinking that was Roy. That he would be the husband who would propose after an allotted amount of time, we’d get married quickly because we were so in love, have babies together, grow old together. He’d come home every night early because he couldn’t stand to be away from me, and before he went to work we’d make love and stare into each other’s eyes… And I realize that every bit of that is completely naïve and childish, but I didn’t at the time. So when the fogginess of being in love started to fade away and I started seeing him as he really was, it was hard for me because he wasn’t that person I thought he was. He had all of these flaws, and he never intended to be that Prince Charming that I wanted. And I had invested years in the relationship by that time, too many, I thought, to just let it go. And I’m stubborn, so that was an added bonus… And so, I stayed with him, hoping maybe I could learn to love him the way he is and learn to love his flaws too. But I didn’t. They just glared me in the face and the things I was so attracted to at the beginning—his manliness, his gruff voice, his outgoing spirit—they all seemed so repulsive by the end that I just couldn’t do it. So I guess, all that to say that my heart was broken because I had this horrible idea and image of what love and marriage is, and then when Roy didn’t fit that, it broke my heart? Does that make sense?

I got all deep on you there. And yet, I haven’t completely answered the question.

It broke because I was expecting something that wasn’t there… And it’s not healed yet, I’ll be honest. It’s still wide open and hurting, but it gets better every day. I’ve learned to look at people, for the most part, and see the beauty that rests inside of their flaws, not the flaws within their beauty. And that’s important, I think. And I’ve learned to trust myself, and to let go of the childish fantasies of what love could be and let real life take them and destroy them. Love isn’t anything worthwhile if there’s nothing to work through. My mother always tells me that the reason for every fight, argument and disagreement is to grow a little. I’m learning to appreciate that kind of thing. And you’re helping. By being as perfectly flawed as you are. I’ve been able to see your flaws through the course of our friendship, and now relationship, and I think it’s helped me to see a more rounded picture of what love and marriage should be and could be. I don’t know. You’ve helped, but mostly it’s just me redefining what I believe and what my expectations are.

If that’s not acceptable, I don’t know what else is.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Lassie Come Home

Wow, Beesly. Interesting thoughts. Are you becoming a philosopher on me?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Angela

What do you mean? Are you making fun of me for answering honestly? That’s how I really feel, Jim.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Tofu Stirfry

Damn the internet and it’s lack of facial cues. No, I wasn’t making fun of you. I was simply stating that your response was really deep and thoughtful, and I liked it. It gives me a lot to think about.

I would never make fun of you for telling me what’s on your mind.

I guess you want my answer now, huh?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: TCBY

I’m sorry, I guess I just assumed you were making fun or not taking me seriously. 10 years of habits are hard to break. I’m so broken and weird with you. I’m sorry… Please don’t think that because I take things the wrong way I’m thinking you’re anything like Roy, okay? Please don’t… Roy’s absolute best days are nothing compared to your worst days. Okay?

I want to hear your answer, yes.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: AUX connectors

So, you want TCBY huh? I’ll take you out for some tonight.

I understand that.

Okay, my worst heartbreak. Kind of embarrassing, and to be honest, nobody else knows this full story, so you’re kind of my secret-keeper. Hope you’re up to the challenge.

In college, I dated this girl named Andrea. I mentioned her in our sex discussion. She was beautiful and was in one of my business classes my junior year. We started talking about economics and eventually found ourselves out on dates. We dated for a good year or so, right up until the last semester of senior year. We had gotten really serious—the kind of serious that leads to I love you’s and talks of marriage and sex and that kind of thing. Well, it was April and since we were finishing college we were both trying to decide what we wanted to do with our lives and whether we fit in with each other and everything. We had this series of really long talks about getting married and kids and family and values, and it seemed like we were on the same page. So I went out and I bought a ring and I orchestrated this whole proposal for her. We went on one of the trains in Pennsylvania and took a tour through the woods, and then when we got out at the Poconos, I got down on my knee and proposed to her. And she just stared at me. It was the scariest moment of my life, and I knew right when I finished speaking that her answer was going to be no, even though she’d told me differently night after night after night for the past few months. And she just stared at me. Her mouth dropped open and her eyes had a few tears in them, but not the kind of tears you should have when you break someone else’s heart. And she told me she’d got accepted to law school in Stanford and she’d told them she would go. I told her that wasn’t a problem; I could go with her; we could make it work, but she wouldn’t have it. I asked her why, and she told me she’d never really loved me, she just felt like it was the right thing to say. She’d said it first because she felt like I wanted to hear it, not because she really felt it. And she didn’t see us together and basically it all boiled down to our whole relationship being a lie.

And that’s when I came to Dunder Mifflin. My heart broken because I’d just been in a year long relationship with a girl I was in love with, wanted to raise a family with and grow old with, who had just straight up lied to me to protect herself and she’d told me what she thought I wanted to hear, not what she was really feeling. And I hope you never have to go through that, Pam, because it sucks. It’s one of the worst hurts in the world. So, my heart broke and I moved to a midsize regional paper company, and… How did I get over it?

I guess at first I was really angry and unwilling to accept anything having to do with the female species. I mean, you remember my first few months here. I was cruel and ugly to you, and I’m really sorry for that. But you kept reaching out to me and trying to be my friend, and eventually, I guess you taught me that not all women are bitches who are just out to rip your heart apart. And we became friends, and honestly, I think you’ve really helped me heal and trust other people.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Blue

Oh, Jim… I’m so sorry. That really sounds like it sucks. I know that’s probably an insensitive thing to say, but that’s all I can really think of.

Is that why you’re so worried about pressuring me into stuff? I would never, ever do that to you. I think it is completely and utterly wrong to tell someone you love them, or you want to marry them and grow old with them, unless you absolutely are positive you do. And that’s why it’s such a big deal to me to say I love you, or to have sex because it is a promise. Contrary to popular belief. In my eyes, it is. And even though there might be feelings of love or desire, I’m not going to tell you about them or act on them until I’m positive that they are more than feelings and more than just a random “oh, he did the dishwasher. I love that man” type of mentality that certain fashonistas named Kelly might have.

I’ll always be your friend.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: M&M Cookies

Thanks, Pam. I would rather you just be honest about your feelings anyway. I don’t mind hearing you’re not in love with me, as long as it’s the truth.

Question: Laura just emailed me and said you talked to Hannah last night? Will you tell me what’s up?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: #5 pens

I really don’t want to breach Hannah’s confidence, but… Hannah called me last night around 7:30 and when I answered, she told me it was Hannah (which I knew) but then she didn’t say anything more, she just sat there, sniffling. I asked her what was wrong and she wouldn’t say a word or talk to me at all, so finally I raised my voice at her and said, “Are you just going to shut me out?” And without skipping a beat she asked what that meant and I asked her if she was going to not talk to me. And she was silent for thirty seconds or so and then she just started talking and didn’t stop.

Basically, it all boils down to this: She doesn’t know why she’s so upset. She doesn’t know what starts it; she just knows it starts when she’s thinking about her dad, and the only way she knows to stop it is to call her mom and just whine and try and hug on her all the time. She feels awkward bringing up how she feels, and she doesn’t want to bring it up to Caitlin or her mom because she’s afraid it might make them sad. We talked about what she could do to feel better, and she said she’s tried screaming into pillows and crying in the shower, so I suggested that she either sketch or write when she’s upset because that’s what helps me. She also told me that yesterday the guidance counselor she normally talks to wasn’t at school, and she tried to find Caitlin, but Caitlin was already outside playing, so she had nobody to talk to.

I asked her if she’s told her mom anything about how she’s feeling, and she told me she hadn’t. I asked her why not and she just got silent and said she didn’t really know. I told her if she ever needed to talk but didn’t want to talk to her mom that she should call me, that I don’t care what time she calls or anything. She said okay and then she went to bed.

I called Laura this morning and filled her in on a bit—as much as I could without betraying Hannah. I don’t want her mom to worry, and I want to tell Laura what’s going on, but at the same time, if I’m the only one Hannah’s talking to besides the counselor, I want to keep that door open. So, shh.

Does that make you feel better?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Science

Yeah it does, thanks… We’ve all been so worried about her, as you know… I’m glad she has you to talk to, and if she happens to call again when you’re with me, please, please, please take the call and leave me to my own devices.

Laura seemed to really like you. She emailed me and just couldn’t stop talking about how impressed she was by you. You won’t believe what she asked me.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Text Sex

She likes me? Good, I’m so glad. I really like her too. Sometimes when I talk to her, I feel more comfortable than I do with my own sisters. I know, it’s crazy. We just get along well. I really do love your family. Or at least, the part of your family that I’ve met.

What did she say, honey?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Smiles

She adores you. She seriously rambled on for a really long time. Here, I’ll give you a little excerpt from her email. Including the question she asked me:

Jim, I’m seriously really impressed with your girlfriend. She is leagues above any of the other girls you’ve dated, and honestly, she’s leagues above you too! She’s so much fun to be around, and I love that Hannah just adores her and will talk to her about things. Granted, I wish she’d talk to me and open up to me, but at least she’s talking to someone. It’s hard to explain it, but I’ve only known Pam for a few weeks and already I trust her completely with my girls. If you let her get away, you’re an idiot. You know that, right? Seriously, will you just marry the girl and make her stick around?

High praise from Laura. And Laura’s not the type to give high praise.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Mixed berry

I just choked on my pineapple. That was beautiful what she wrote about me, but there is no way I’m leagues above her little brother.

So the question was if we were going to get married soon? Wow. I would expect that from Hannah or Caitlin, but from your sister? No way. What was your answer, anyway?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Chinese characters

Well, thanks. But I tend to agree with her.

I told her that you weren’t an axe murderer or a rapist or anything else glaringly bad, so there was always that possibility. And I told her I like you better than the other girls too.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Ring! Ring

Well, that’s sweet.

I just got an email saying Dwight updated his fan fiction story. Did I tell you I found it?!? Guess what his username is?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Hair

PamBeeslyisHot? Oh wait, that’s mine.

What’s his? Tell me, tell me, tell me.

And are you seriously on his alert list?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: 77

Yes I’m on his alert list. And I love your penname, but I can’t find it anywhere!

His penname is AssistantRegionalManager. I am NOT kidding.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Sleep

TO THE!! TO THE!!

Talk about bringing your work home with you.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Moon

Like you can talk, you try and bring part of your work home with you every day. Doesn’t mean I always oblige, though. ;)

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Fishing

I’ve got you hook, line, and sinker, Beesly. Will you oblige tonight?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subejct: Fishing

Only if we don’t talk fishing, we eat Asian food, and you promise me a kiss goodnight.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Lips

That was unnecessary. That was obviously the plan of action.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Underwear

Hi?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Fluffy Pillows

Hey.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Cookies

Um… how are you?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Teeth

I’m fine, how are you?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Mystery at Hogwarts game

I’m sorry.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Words

Yeah, let’s talk about what happened… Where were you last night? I cooked dinner for us and cleaned my apartment for you. At first, I was sure you were just running late. Then maybe I thought I missed your call saying you couldn’t make it… Then I thought maybe you were out with your other boyfriend. Then I was really worried about you.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Tennis shoes

I know. I should have called… And I’m not trying to make excuses, but I did think your phone was still Spriting up… And I know I’m dumb and horrible, and I’m really sorry, but don’t you dare accuse me of having another boyfriend. Even if it’s playful. That’s just WRONG, Jim. I would never in a million years do that to you.

Do you really want to know what happened? Are you done with the little anger bout you’re in?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Mosaics

Pam, I don’t know what to say. It really hurt my feelings when you didn’t show up last night, not to mention all of the worry you caused me. When your girlfriend goes missing for the night and doesn’t call or anything saying she has plans, you wouldn’t believe the thoughts that go through your head. I was a wreck, Pam. If anything ever happened to you…

And I know you’re not cheating on me. It was just a joke. Why are you taking it so seriously?

And it’s NOT an anger “bout”. I want to know where you were. And I need you to know that you can’t do that to me again because it honestly scares the crap out of me.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Color fill

I didn’t realize you worried about me, Jim. I’m really sorry. Next time, I promise I’ll call. It just didn’t occur to me at 11:15 to call you. Not that you’re HIM, but he never cared… It didn’t even cross my mind that someone else might. And I’m sorry I took it so personal about the cheating question… I thought it was a real question, and even if it wasn’t, Roy always accused me of cheating on him (with you, matter of fact), and I always felt like he might be cheating on me… So it’s just kind of raw.

It’s embarrassing, really. I was taking a bath to get ready for our date. I was really excited, Jim. So excited I even bathed! Anyway, I was in there, and the lavender smells were making me sleepy… And I was up most of the night last night worrying about your adorable niece, so I was already tired. And I woke up at 11:15 last night.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Golden Brown

So, you expect me to believe that you fell asleep in the bathtub and that’s why you stood me up for your date?

I will always care about where you are, what you’re doing, and how you feel, Pam. I have for so long I don’t know how NOT to. It broke my heart when you talked about how Roy didn’t listen to you when you were together. And by the way, I know you well enough to know you wouldn’t cheat on me, or anybody. You’re not that kind of girl. And you don’t have to worry about me. I’ve been a one-woman man for as long as I can remember, and since I’ve met you, nobody else has even held half an interest.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Stomach

I do expect you to believe me. And laugh at me. And I still am really, really sorry.

Next question: What is your biggest desire?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Toothpaste

It’s okay, Pam. I forgive you. We’ll just have to have a date tonight… At your house, just in case you fall asleep in the bathtub. I can wake you up. Modestly, of course.

My biggest desire? Is that supposed to be sexually or what?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: 12K runs

A date at my house tonight? Okay, but it’s a bit messy…

Any way, really… Just, whatever you want most in the world.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Coffee mugs

I don’t care about clean if you don’t care about clean.

Okay, here we go with the castrating of me again.

I want a family. I know I’m young and hip now, but sometime soon, I want a family. I’m not saying I want to go out and find a wife today and then get her pregnant tomorrow and have four kids in four years… But, I guess sometime in the next few years I’d like to get married, in the next ten years I’d like to have a few kids. 2 or 3, maybe. Live in a nice house, help Luke find his tennis shoes and Leia find her barrettes. Kiss their mother every morning when she wakes up and right before she falls asleep. That kind of thing.

That’s apart from wanting you, of course.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Yahoo!

Wait, are you saying you want all of that apart from me? As in, you don’t want it with me? Because if that’s the case and you’re thinking like that, we need to duck out of this thing now. I refuse to get my heart broken again, mister.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Coffee

No! No! No! I’m sorry, that’s not how I meant that AT ALL. I never want to break your heart.

I meant, that I want all of that… But at the same time, I still want you. You know? Sex? The sex just isn’t my number one desire.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: 6:52 AM

Oh. I really did think you meant you wanted all of the marriage and happy endings stuff, but not with me. Not that at this point in our relationship you should be ready to propose and whisk me off into the sunset, but I would like to think if you’re dating me and things are going as well as they are (they’re going well, right?) then you would still be entertaining the thought that I might be the one you want to fall in love with and marry and have kids. Otherwise, it’s just a waste of time.

Oh, sex.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Illinois

Things are going very well, with us. And don’t you worry about me entertaining the thought of us getting married and having children. Who else would let me name her children Luke and Leia?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Shelby Woo

I don’t know... But I’m kind of partial to Allie and Noah.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Star Wars

What about Scully and Mulder?

To: Jim Haleprt
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Call them Dana and Fox?

What about Admiral William Adama and President Laura Roslin?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Invisibility

Who are they?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Meg Ryan

I imdb’d Battlestar Gallactica, and they’re who came up.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Flubber

You are too cute.

Your turn to answer your own question.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Lavendar

I really want a mountain bike.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Gears

That’s your number one desire? You would die happy if you had a mountain bike?

In that case, what color?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Capital One-No Hassle!

A red mountain bike.

No, I wouldn’t. It’s not my number one desire, it’s my number two.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Binky

Well, what is your number one desire?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Team Jim

Sorry, I know you’ve been sitting on hinges for three days. I came down with the flu. Which you knew about, of course. You‘ve been so sweet, bringing me chicken noodle soup and your DVD sets of The Bachelor. And, I think my favorite little boyfriend thing you did was print out the newest chapters of Dwight’s story. You’re just too good to me. Thanks for staying with me and making sure I was okay. You’ll probably come down with the sickness soon, unfortunately.

My number one desire is to fall in love with my best friend and make all of his dreams come true.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Cough Cough

You look a lot better today. Not that you looked anything other than stunning before, but I’m glad to see your sparkles and colors back today.

Do you think that desire is attainable?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Green buckets

Oh, I absolutely do. It gets more and more attainable every day.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Crazy Eights

I imagine your best friend is pretty excited about that.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Telephones

I sure hope so. I’m not sure I could just let go right now. I’m a little too involved.

Tonight. You. Me. Real date? Since I’ve ruined all of our other attempts.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: AIM

You could never ruin a date, silly. And yes, we’ll go out tonight.

I have some twizzlers at my desk if you want some. The peel n pull ones.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Herbal Essences commercials

Twizzlers! The candy that’s a pamgasm in your mouth!

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Neck pillows

Not to be the girlfriend that puts you on the spot, but do you notice anything different about me today?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Cartoons

Your hair. You curled it. And you have on new nail polish. And I’ve never seen those shoes before. You also have an adorable little cut on the top right corner of your forehead. It’s probably less than the size of your fingernail.

I promise I’m not gay.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Ear hairs

Wow, you noticed all of that? I didn’t even notice half of that.

There’s a scar on my forehead? pout

I know you’re not gay. You keep me well informed of that. You must really like this shirt…

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Casinos

So, what were you referring to? The curled hair?

Your scar, like I said, is hardly noticeable and yet also adorable.

It’s not the shirt… Sorry, am I staring too much?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: iTunes

Yeah, the curled hair… What do you think?

No, you’re okay. You stare better than Michael.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Dwight

I think you’re gorgeous no matter what your hair looks like, but I really do like the curls.

Want me to deck him for you?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Jared

Oh, thanks honey. That’s commendable but…. Let’s be honest, you couldn’t deck Michael, baby…

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Blue busted gods

Thanks for the faith in me, darling.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Irritable Bowls Syndrome

I have faith in you, pumpkin. Just not faith in your fighting abilities. And to be honest, I’m not sure I want to have faith in them.

To: Pamela Beesly

From: Jim Halpert

Subject: Samosas

Okay sugar pie. Next time someone comes up and tries to attack you, I’ll make sure to step back and let the fighter of the relationship take control.

Are you ready for the next question?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Luaus

Bring it on.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Kwanzaa

Now, you have to think about this one, okay?

Question 18: Will you go to Chicago with me?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Overcoats

My mind is going back to the cute little explanation you put on the playlist you gave me… And yeah, in a little while, I wouldn’t mind driving to Chicago with you. As long as you’ll lay under California Stars with me.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Cream and Sugar

I’d lay under any stars with you.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Funyuns

Where is this going?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: YooHoo

That’s up to you.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Pantaloons

Let me rephrase the question. Where do you want this to go?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Rockstar

I want it all, Pam.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Strippers

What exactly is ‘all’?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Mellow Yello

Okay, I’ll be blunt then. And please don’t do that trick you do where you make me wait for years before you acknowledge what I said and tell me what your answer is.

I want to be the one that holds your hand when your arthritis is bad. I don’t know... I’m really bad at this sharing my feelings stuff.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Lipstick

The arthritis bit was really adorable, Jim… But really, can you let me in a little bit more? I didn’t make this one of my questions because I don’t want you to feel obligated, but I would like to know.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Blind dogs

Okay, Pam. I want to marry you. I want to live in a house with a terrace with you, I want you to be the one that helps me find Luke’s tennis shoes and Leia’s barrettes. I want to kiss you every morning when you wake up and right before you fall asleep. I want us to be that couple that people see in fifty years and say “oh they’re so cute.”

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Short romeo

Wow, thank you. That’s really sweet.

And what if you change your mind, or I do something totally unforgiveable?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Zac Efron

I’ll still be here.

I’ve decided something; do you want to hear it?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Avocado green

What is it?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Toilet paper

I will never be the one to let go of this relationship. I’m in it forever.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Erasers

Oh my god, Jim…

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Bob Vance

Uh… what?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Queen Victoria

That was the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said to me.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: You’re beautiful

Well, it’s how I feel… What about you…?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: You’re adorkable

I want the same things you do.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Fields of Gold

Then, let’s plan on it.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Uncle Al

Okay.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Skidmarks

Okay.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Letter grades

You’re grinning like an idiot right now, baby.

Oh, and I have an update on Hannah. When you’re ready.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Art shows

You’re grinning like an idiot too.

An update on Hannah? From her mouth or Laura’s?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Head coverings

I just can’t help it…

From her mouth. She called me yesterday and told me that she’s feeling better. She talked to her mom about everything and she feels happy now. She called me when she got home from school to tell me how she was feeling (I know, I’m such a mom… to your niece) and she just sounded so happy. Oh, and she keeps asking about how we’re doing. Me and you.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Yale

Oh, I’m really glad to hear she’s feeling better. Does she really call you every day when she gets home from school?

What did you tell her? About us.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Animal control

Yes, she really does call me every day.

I told her we were doing really well. She asked if I thought we’d ever get married. I told her I thought that might be possible.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Staplers

Might be possible?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Trenchcoats

Baby, she’s eight… I can’t tell her anything other than that. I don’t want to make her promises I can’t keep. Even if we did already agree, I just don’t feel right about it. Okay?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Homeless

Okay, works for me.

Are we moving too fast for you, Beesly?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Freckes

Oh! Absolutely not. I’ve known you were right for a while, Jim. Now it’s just official steps. And I trust you.

Speaking of that… My parents are coming into town this weekend. We were planning on going out to dinner and maybe to a movie Friday night… Will you come with? I’d love for them to meet you.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Alpha males

Well, that’s good to know. I’m glad.

Yes. I’d love to come! Just let me know.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: My eye is sweating!

I had a tickle match with my cat this morning. I now have cat hairs on my back and scratches all over my back. The sad thing is, my cat won… My cat has paws. How does something with paws win the tickling game over someone with fingers? You have five minutes to offer an explanation.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Red Rover, Red Rover, send Kevin right over!

I need more information. Was this Vitamin or Whisker? What parts was the cat tickling, and where were you attempting to tickle? How was the match judged?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Gym key

This is cutting into your five minutes you know? It was Vitamin, this morning at 07:21. We were on my bed, in my room. I was wearing my red robe; Vitamin was naked like most cats are. Vitamin was tickling my sides; I was tickling her stomach. The match was judged by loudest laughter.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Page 7 of 7 is printing

So you’re telling me that you lost a tickling match to Vitamin? Vitamin is your weaker cat, according to Dwight. And, can cats even laugh?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Minerals

Yes, I lost a tickling match to Vitamin! Why is that so hard for you to believe? And how does Dwight know which cat of mine is the weakest?

They meow…

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: home stereo

You lost a tickling match to Vitamin because she can meow louder than you can?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Queue

So, dinner with the family tonight is at La Fiesta at 7 PM. Then we’re doing a late movie around 9. I’m really excited you’re going to be there!

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Wee World

Oh, about that… I can’t come. Mark just told me today that we’re having a party at our house tonight. I didn’t have any say in planning it or anything, but I’m kind of required to go. Stupid roommates.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: cousins

What? Why does he expect he can just plan a party without telling you and expect you to be there on a minute’s notice?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Nannying

It’s just a get together for a few friends of ours. I’m sure he just thought I would be free, and if we wanted to do something, I could just invite you over.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Nutmeg

So let me get this straight. You’re standing me up for dinner with my parents to go to a small party that your roommate has put on last minute for your friends?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Emails

Pam, it’s important I make sure they don’t wreck my house, haha.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Eyelashes

Wow. You really have no idea how pissed off or hurt I am right now, do you?

I can’t talk to you right now. If you change your mind, we’ll be at Cugino’s at 6:30. I really hope you think about what you’re doing. And please know that it’s going to take a lot for me to want to talk to you again.

Laura wanted you to know your new name is Assface Halpert. I tend to agree.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Babysitting

I understand you’re upset, I just don’t understand why you’re so upset? It’s just dinner and a movie.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Brown dogs

I’m upset because you promised me we would go out tonight with my parents, and then your roommate plans a party, and you feel that his party is more important than me. Even though you already said you would go out with us a week and a half ago. You really can’t understand why that would upset me?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Wild n Crazy Kids

I guess I didn’t realize how big of a deal it was to you. I’m sorry.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Life

Sorry doesn’t cut it, mister. And it being a big deal to me is not the issue at all. It’s not the dinner that’s the issue. The issue is that you chose something else over me after you told me you’d be there. THAT is the issue. I told my parents you were coming, and do you have any idea how crappy it will be to have to tell them you’re not? After all they’ve heard about you. And, how do you think it makes me feel knowing that the one person I trust more than anyone else, and the person I’m thinking of marrying and spending my life with, would rather have a small get together at his house two hours after his roommate arranges it than go out to dinner with my family. Is that really where I rank on your list, Jim?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Red font

Pam, of course you rank higher than Mark or parties on my list. I love you… And I’m sure your mom and dad would understand. We can still all get together for the rest of the weekend.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Cross stitching

Well, I’m not seeing the actions of your love or priorities. And I’ve learned to believe actions over words, so you better step it up really soon.

The issue, once again, isn’t whether or not they’ll understand. And don’t you dare try and strike a deal with me. I’m through with the deals, Jim. If I did the same thing to you, you would be pissed. You made a commitment to me. You can’t just go back on that because in your mind something better comes along. Not only is it rude, but it’s hurtful.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Flip Flops

I’m sorry, Pam… I didn’t realize that this dinner meant so much to you, and I didn’t realize that I was sending you that message… You do mean more to me than anything, and I know I was being insensitive and crappy, and I’m sorry. I really just thought that you wanted me to spend time with your family at some point this weekend, I didn’t realize it was a tonight thing. I thought you’d actually have fun if it was just the three of you. I’m sorry.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Van Gogh

How many times are you going to say I’m sorry? Jesus, Jim.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: John Cusack

As many as it takes?

What movie are we seeing?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Karma

My parents and I are seeing the new Julia Roberts movie.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Ho HoHo

I hate that you’re so mad at me.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Sketch

Well, I hate that you hurt my feelings. I’m going to lunch alone today. I need to sketch. Maybe when I come back I won’t be mad at you any longer.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Twirling

You’re at lunch, sketching… but I wanted to let you know, if you get back before I do, that I’m not going to the party. Because I love you, and I want to be with you.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Monkeys

So, you planning on just sitting at home watching TV all night? I heard the Phillies are playing.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Mute

Well, I’m planning on going to eat at La Fiesta tonight at 7… I’m probably eating solo, I guess. Then afterwards I was going to see that new Julia Roberts movie.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Task menu

Any reason why you’re doing all of that solo?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: 2nd Gear

I really screwed up, Pam. My girlfriend’s parents are coming into town this weekend and she asked me a while ago if I’d be free for dinner and a movie with them, and I said I’d go, and then Mark called me and asked me to this party, and I said yes, without thinking. I was so insensitive to her feelings and she’s really upset, and she should be… So, I’m going solo because my plans were to go to dinner and a movie tonight, and I’m not going to break them. I guess I’ll just sit at the opposite side of the restaurant and watch from afar.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Bananas

Did you tell your girlfriend all of that? I mean, I’m sure you threw out the I’m sorry’s like they were spoiled milk, but there’s a difference in saying “I’m sorry” and really apologizing and understanding the other person… Try that.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Edison High School

So, you think if I tell her that I understand I hurt her because I chose something else over her and that I did it without really thinking about it, but I love her and want to be with her over everyone else that she’ll understand and let me come to dinner with her? It really hurts knowing that I hurt her. I never want to do that.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Gemini Capricorn

Well, if your girlfriend doesn’t accept that and doesn’t let you sit at her table, you can come sit at mine. I’ll be there with my family.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Daggers

Hey, you didn’t run off to the bathroom to see the toilet water swirl.

Can I see you in the break room please?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Peacocks

Thank you, Jim. I guess I really just needed to hear you say you loved me and chose me. You know how insecure I can get.

Question Nineteen: Why do you love me?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Magnets

Why do I love you?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Polka dots

Yes. Why do you love me? What about me makes you love me?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Hex

You’re asking me to explain my love to you?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Kung Fu

You sure are fighting it a lot.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: The Sixth Sense

I’m just not sure I can explain love… That’s all. I’ll try, for you, though.

I love the way your curls bounce when you laugh. I love how your eyes shine. I love your smile. I love that you can make me smile by just looking at me, or make me laugh by just talking. You have a great sense of humor. I love that you are a deep thinker and that you really consider the sides of every story. I love that you reflect back on your life, but still seem happier to be here than there. I love the way you laugh. I love the way you touch me when you laugh, the way you look at me. I love that you can tell if I’m being serious or joking by simply studying my face. I love that you sketch and draw at work and every other time you possibly can. I love that you are freaking amazing at laser tag. I love that you get in tickle fights with your cats. I love that you help people even when they hurt you. I love how accepting you are of everyone, no matter what they do. I love that I don’t scare you off. I love that every night before I go to bed I get a text message from you, and I love that there is always one there before I wake up in the morning too. I love that you can’t ever be the first one to hang up. I love that you can be such a little kid, yet such an adult too. I love that you are there for everyone, all the time, no matter what. And I love your heart. I love that you can take on everyone else’s pain and think of them first. You aren’t satisfied being happy unless everyone else is. I love that about you. And there are a billion other things I love about you that I can’t even start to describe because I don’t even know how to explain them myself.

And don’t ask me why I love you. I just love you because you’re you and I can’t help it. It’s just always been there. That’s like asking the sun why it shines.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Lime

I hate you. Please bring me a Kleenex. Um, a few Kleenex… The whole box of Kleenex.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Kelly

I didn’t mean to make you cry…

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Racquetball

Well, you’re doing a really good job of it today, honey.

I guess it’s my turn, huh?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Blonde hair

I wasn’t really expecting you to answer the question.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Purple pants

Why not?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Chalkboards

You haven’t told me you loved me.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Jellybeans

Come to my desk.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Rod Stewart

How can I do anything but smile after that? Add that to the list of things I love about you: I love how beautiful your voice is when you tell me you love me. I love that you kiss me and don’t care who sees it.

Though I’m pretty sure everyone knows we’re dating now.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Clifford the big red dog

We almost got away with it! We would have if Dwight hadn’t barked at us in front of everyone!!

I love you. Is it as good in type?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Female

Oh my! Beesly, that was awesome! Dwight barking!? Where have we heard that one before?

It’s just as good. I’ll take it anyway you want to say it.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Fingers

Written on the side of a dumpster?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Apples

That would be wonderful.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Crucifix

On a roller coaster right before the big drop?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Cameras

That would put butterflies in my stomach.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Scranton

In a text message in the middle of the day?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Refried Beans

Didn’t I look like I just enjoyed that one?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Champagne

Written across a ‘Color of Pam’s Eyes Green’ t-shirt with silver writing that I wear on a date?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Red Sweaters

That would be easy on the eyes.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject You Tube

What about written out in an email that starts like this:

I don’t think I could ever pick out the single things that I love about you because I love you. Every piece that makes up who you are, I love. I love your sense of humor and that you find such fun in making Dwight look even more idiotic. I love that when you kiss me I can feel how much you love me and want me. I love that you listen to me, I mean, really listen to me. I love that you can sense that something’s wrong before I even know it is. I love that you know me so well. I love that you don’t care how many times I screw up. I love the way you grin that goofy grin. The way your face is always lopsided (it’s so adorable, Jim!). I love that you get nervous telling me how you feel about me, and I love that you are obsessed with your nieces. I love that you walk into all of my jokes. I love that I’m not nervous at all about my parents meeting you. I love that the promises you make with your mouth are really promises that you intend to keep. I love that you want to marry me and have babies with me. I love that you always have to tell me what you had for dinner because you think I care. I love the way you mock offense. I love that you are caring, and sweet, and that you make sure I know how much you love me. I love that you never leave me. But most of all, I love that you stink at laser tag.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Dinner

Oh, yeah, that one definitely works.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Fuzzies

What about tonight… after the movie, under the covers… whispered in your ear like a secret?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Aviators

Oh yes…. Under the covers? Tell me more about that.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Toenails

Well, I was thinking…

Maybe you could come over after we drop off my parents at the hotel tonight…

I just think I might have a little bit of trouble getting out of my outfit.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Oreos

Oh? Tell me more…

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Blushing

Well, I was thinking perhaps after you help me out of mine, I can help you out of yours… We can do a little bit of kissing and… ahem, other things, and crawl under the covers wrapped up in each other.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Yummy

That sounds like great fun.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Tampons

I only have one requirement.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Monsters

Oh, what’s that?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Halo 2

The clothes I help you take off better not even graze your body until at least tomorrow morning, if not later. Or never.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Newspaper

An ‘I love you’ and a promise of sex, all in the same day? God, baby, sign me up!

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Brake fluid

You are so excited right now! I love what I can do to you!

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Lightning

Right now, what you’re doing to me hurts a bit…

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Orange

Poor baby… Can I kiss it and make it better?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Fifth Amendment

That's so cruel…

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Emo

Man, you haven’t gotten up in a while…. Will you go get me a grape soda, honey?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Gates

I hate you….

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Khaki pants

But… I love you.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Brown buttons

I love you, too.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Canaries

Good morning, beautiful. How was your night?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Steve Holy?

My night was wonderful with you by my side.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Smiley Faces

Happy birthday, by the way.

Are you glad you waited?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Vanilla soy milk

Thank you.

Yeah, I am.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Macbeth, in the foyer, with the dagger

Have too much O.J. this morning, baby? Second time you’ve been to the bathroom in ten minutes.

You are? Tell me more… Was that a pamgasm? If it was, I’m horrible.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Really, Really, Ridiculously good looking

These flowers on my desk better be from you. How did you know I liked these? They’re so beautiful, Jim.

Oh, baby, that was definitely not a pamgasm. I can’t even begin to describe to you how much that wasn’t a pamgasm.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Cobra Starship

I’m glad you like them. Dwight picked them out especially for you. Do you know what next Thursday is?

Oh, is that so? What kind of gasm was that then?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Suzie from Planned Parenthood

They’re from Dwight? Halpert… be serious… What is next Thursday?

Which one?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Taming the one-eyed snake

No, they’re from me… And next Thursday is my anniversary with my girlfriend. It’s been nine months since our first date.

Oh that’s right… You had a few. I pick the third one.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Purple petals

Wow, that’s funny. Your girlfriend told me you two have only been dating for four months, two weeks, and three days. And 21 hours.

Oh, that third gasm? That’s the kind of gasm that makes you orgasm just thinking about it. Mmm. (You are so good. Did I tell you that?)

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: God gave us oil!

Well, she’s wrong. Our first date was actually four and a half months before we started dating. You see, she might not remember it, but we saw a really amazing show, had Grilled Cheese sandwiches on the roof with fireworks, and then we danced. Swayed. But swaying is dancing.

We might need to stop talking about this. I heard you whimper all the way over here… Don’t worry, we can have an encore tonight. (Only because you are.)

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Tommy Corn

Ooh encore tonight… I can’t wait.

Oh right… That sounds like a date to me. I bet she just didn’t think you counted that, since you weren’t official or anything.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Count Olaf

Oh… Well I count it. It was our first date, we just didn’t get our act together until four and a half months later.

You never told me why you’re glad we waited. I would like to know.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Discovery Zone

Okay, so in your mind, you and your girlfriend have been together nine months.

I don’t want to upset you.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Gogurt

Nine months... Exactly. That's a baby!

And no. You won’t upset me.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Bewitched

Okay, well I guess I’m glad we waited because I wasn’t really ready emotionally. I mean, my body tensed up and I wanted you so badly… I know I never told you that, but even before I left Roy, I wanted you so badly. And the more we started dating and the more you knew about me and still loved me, the more I wanted you… But I needed to know that was there. That unconditional love. I’ve never had anyone praise my body before. With Roy it was always criticism about how I gained weight or I had a mole here, or too big of a freckle there, or I was too pale here. And I don’t think he meant to hurt me, but he did. And it gave me this self-consciousness about my body and almost a fear to show it off. And with you… I don’t know, I didn’t want to disappoint you, and I couldn’t begin to fathom the pain that would come if you looked at me the same way he did. Not that you would, it was an irrational fear, I know that… But I needed to know you loved me no matter what before I shared my body with you and let you see the most intimate parts of me.

I wanted to see how long you would wait for me, too… Roy was never willing to wait. He was always a go-getter… Even when I said I wasn’t ready, I’d cave into his desires. And I wanted to see what you were like. It was almost my way of testing you to see if you wanted me for me or for my body because if you wanted me for my body, you were going to be sorely disappointed. It’s not like I went into it consciously thinking that you wanted me for sex, but it was a fear that just ate at me for a while…

I just needed to know you wouldn’t leave when you saw my body, and that it wasn’t the only reason you were in this. You weren’t just sweet talking me to get into my pants. And in the process of really examining you, I found out a lot about myself and our relationship. I realized what I was afraid of, and I was able to look at those fears and figure them out and pinpoint why they were there, to some degree. And a lot of them were there because I let Roy control me. Not physically, but with his mind games I let him control how I thought of myself and everything, and that’s not healthy. So, since we’ve started dating (the four and a half month dating), I’ve been trying to break down those thoughts and look at myself and see myself for as I really am and not some faulty, used car part that Roy thought I was… And I needed to do that and work through those things before I let you in. I didn’t want to subject you to all of that. I didn’t want to be scared when we finally did have sex because it’s such a big step, and I wanted it with you for so long, and I wanted it to be so perfect…

It was amazing, Jim. Toe curling amazing. And you were just phenomenal… I just don’t think it would have been as amazing if we’d done it earlier.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: XXX

Fair enough. Thank you for telling me all of that. I could tell there was something going on in your head last night. When I was looking in your eyes last night, there was some fear there. I hope it’s at least somewhat gone away.

I love you, Pam. Apart from your body, I love you so much. And I will always wait for you to be ready. No matter what it is, I’ll wait for you. I wouldn’t ever want to pressure you or push you into something else. And, so you know, I love your body. I think you are absolutely beautiful. I love every freckle, every mole, every piece of pale skin you have. And honestly, I wouldn’t care if you looked like Phyllis, I’m attracted to who you are, not what you look like.

Is there any way I can help you work through it all?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Limpid pools of desire

I love you… Oh my god, when you looked into my eyes, I nearly died. My heart races just thinking about that.

Everything you do helps me work through it. Thank you.

Are you saying Phyllis is or is not attractive?

Do you have plans for lunch today?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Boston Market

I’m saying Phyllis is not a sexy person, but if you were to don Phyllis’s appearance, all of a sudden, I would really, really enjoy her body.

I do. I am taking my girlfriend out to lunch for her birthday. Then we are swinging by my place so she can see her present.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Elastigirl

I’m going to ignore that you said you could ever possibly enjoy Phyllis’s body. But thank you. You make me feel so beautiful.

Oh really? Where are you taking her?

What did you get me? Did you get me The Incredibles DVD? What is it, Jim? Tell me! Tell me!

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Babysitting

You are beautiful.

I’ll have to ask her where she wants to go.

Baby, where do you want to go for lunch?

You are so adorable. I’m not telling you what I got you. But check your pants pocket.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Wheat

I bet she’ll want to go to Alfredo’s Pizza Café.

Alfredo’s Pizza Café. You don’t have to take me out to lunch though, baby.

When did you slip a love letter into my pocket?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Lucky Charms

Alfredo’s Pizza Café it is. What kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t take you out to lunch for your birthday?

Well, contrary to pamular belief, smiley face pancakes with sprinkles and whipped cream don’t make themselves. And if you’re going to make them for your girlfriend to wake up to in the morning, you have to get up early. You’d already set your clothes out for the day, I just put it in your pants pocket before you got up.

We’ll leave in three emails.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: When you need me call me

A really crappy one.

Those were good pancakes. And that was an amazing letter. Thank you.

This has been the best birthday of my life!

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: No matter where you are, no matter how far

Am I a really crappy boyfriend? I try not to be.

The day’s barely even started yet, Beesly!

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Twister

You are the complete opposite of a really crappy boyfriend.

I’m hungry! Let’s go!

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Cuginos

Lunch was amazing, thank you honey.

I have a funny story to tell you.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Monkey bones

Oh? Do tell.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Waffle house

I don’t actually know how to ride a bike. My dad tried to teach me when I was six, and somehow I tricked him into thinking I could right before we had this huge blizzard. And when the blizzard was over, he forgot all about teaching me…So I have no idea how to ride one.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Binders

That would have been nice to know before I got you your red mountain bike you so desired for your birthday.

What if I teach you?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Green stripes

I’m sorry… I didn’t realize you’d actually get me a mountain bike…

I feel stupid not knowing how to ride one. Why would you want to teach me? I’ll just feel even stupider.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Radio

More stupid.

Don’t feel stupid about it. Feel silly. And just think of it this way. I need practice teaching someone before I get on the road with Luke and Leia.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Computers

Okay… Sex and bike riding lessons tonight, it is.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Marilyn Manson

Among other things.

Question Twenty: Will you accept this rose?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

What? I thought I already accepted the rose, dear Bachelor.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Side dishes

I meant the rose of exclusivity.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Cup of No

Uhh. Is that your way of trying to get me to think you’re dating other women? If so, I don’t buy it.

Ask a new question. That one was crap, baby.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Clowns

Okay fine. Question 20: What is your biggest fear?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Orange hoops

I have two. One is that I’ll never be able to have children, and the other is that you’ll leave me.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Birch

I will never leave you.

I will do my very hardest to make sure you get your children.

Would you ever consider adopting a child?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Pylons

I would love to adopt, yes… I’d also like kids of our own, though.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Reeses

Our own? Was that a slip or intentional?

I agree with you about the kids. How many do you want?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Celtics

That was a slip. Whoops! I meant my. But now everything is ours and we, so…

Well, I really like the name Audrey. So I guess that brings the number up to three.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Printers

How does the name Audrey equal three children?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Wildcats

Luke, Leia and Audrey, duh.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Brown paper packages tied up with string

My thoughts exactly!

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: You are a few of my favorite things

Answer the question, Halpert.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Sharpies

My biggest fear is that I won’t make you happy.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Childproof Locks

Baby, you make me so happy. And yeah, in the future we’ll have some not so rosy times, but we’ll work through them. You make me happy. I know that’s all you want, for me to be happy, and that in and of itself makes me happy.

I have no doubts we’ll be happy together, Jim.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Victoria’s Secret

Who are you laughing with on the phone?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Ronald

Why? Jealous?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Relient K

Yes. Now who is it?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Dr. Funk

Hold on... Jesus.

It’s Hannah.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Puppies

Hi Hannah!

Tell me what’s up… When you’re done I mean.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Pennies

She said hi back.

Sorry, long conversation.

You won’t believe who was sitting in the living room when she got home from school today.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: I love you

Barney? A flying baby?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: You love me

No. Staff Sergeant Daddy.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: We’re a happy family

Really?! Good!! I’m so glad! I thought he wasn’t due back for another month or so at least. He was deployed for six months. That was after we were dating.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you

Apparently, they sent him home early. And he’s perfectly fine. She walked in the door and flipped out apparently. She’s feeling a lot better now, I think. Happy, go lucky… The child you described to me before I met her.

Isn’t that such a load of your chest? It is off mine.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Won’t you say you love me too?

Big load off. I’m so happy for them. You’ll really like Walt when you meet him. He’s a great guy. And he’s REALLY great with the girls.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: I love you too

Great like you? Or great like Barney?

I’m ready to go learn how to ride a bike! I can conquer it! I know I can!

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Make sure you carboload

All you have to do is just believe in yourself, Beesly. You can conquer many things. Do great things.

I heard something the other day that made me think of you. I was watching a movie and you were talking to your sister on the phone. It’s from The Emperor’s Club, with Kevin Kline? Anyways, it’s, “The measure of a life is not measured by a single failure or a solitary success.”

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Birthdays

The measure of my life is not determined by whether or not I fall off of my new red mountain bike. Good to know. Good to know.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Thriller

How is the potty training going?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Quick Styles

…?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Pink rugs

Hi seemed overrated.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Bubbles

My girlfriend is insane!

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Jasmine

So is mine.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Blue petals

Seriously! Have you lost your mind?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Dimes

I think I lost it under one of the couch cushions.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Grub

Rubba dub dub, what’s for dinner?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Blue

Um, that doesn’t rhyme? And hot pockets. And corn.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Interpol

Wow. That doesn’t make us sound like high schoolers at all.

You will not believe what I found last night.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Trojan Man!

A used condom?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Figure Skating

Umm… No. I tend to throw those away.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Headphones

What did you find?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Stalking

You remember a few years ago at Christmas when I gave you the teapot with all of our inside jokes in it? Well, I also had a Christmas card in it, but I took it out while you were looking through the pot.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Graduations

I thought I was missing a card! I’d seen it earlier and when I went to look for it, it was gone! What did it say?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Scribble Scrabble

It said:

Pam,

Christmas is the time where you tell people how you feel. I know we’ve been really good friends for a while, and maybe I’m doing a horrible thing by telling you this, but I can’t help it. I’m not expecting anything to come of it (and it’s fine if nothing does), but I just need you to know. I’m in love with you. I have been for a long time, and even though I’ve tried to do the honorable thing and move on, I can’t. At least not until you know how I feel. I’m pretty sure you do know. I can’t imagine you not. If you didn’t already, look back at our relationship, and maybe you’ll be able to see what apparently everyone else can already. The only thing I ask of you is that you be brutally honest with me. I need to know how you feel, so I can move on, and let go. I love you, and I don’t want anything to happen to our friendship, but I can’t keep going like this. Please, just let me know.

Jim.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Jesus

Can I have a copy of that?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Emily had her baby!!

Sure. It belongs to you.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Zola Warrior Princess

Who’s Emily?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: You mean Xena

Emily? Oh, just some woman that had a baby. I don’t even know her. I just made her up. Her daughter’s name is Kevin.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Thanksgiving

What am I going to do with you?

Mom wants to know how many I’m bringing for Thanksgiving dinner?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Banana

That you will never know!

That’s funny, my mom just asked how many I’m bringing for Christmas.

Your answer: There will be 2 of you.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Oranges!

2 for Thanksgiving, check!

2 for Christmas.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Norton Anti-Virus

Wow, alternating holidays already. We’re hitting the big time, Halpert.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: 1:35 AM

We sure are, Beesly.

You know what I’m ready for?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: The Bible

Me to pop the question?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Stencils

Don’t you dare! That’s my job.

Question 21.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Rings

Oh, right… Well, get on that, Halpert. Wink. I’m just kidding. Kind of.

About that…

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Coffee

What do you mean, about that?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Chuck E Cheese

I don’t think I want to ask Question 21… Ever.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Californication

Explain yourself.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Red hair

Oh, come on, Jim. Can you honestly say you want the game to end? I mean, so much has happened since we started it. It’s been like a little piece of magic, and I’ve loved being able to ask you things and know I’m going to get an answer, whether it was “my question” or not… It was just nice. And we’ve gotten to be really close through it, I think… I mean, you know a lot about me. More than anyone else does. And I just don’t want to see that change, and I’m scared it might if we cut this game… Which is why I don’t want to end it by asking the last question.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Swampstock Festivals

That’s sweet, but…

Suck it up, Beesly. It’s part of the rules of the game.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Fuche family reunion

No, it’s not. There is no rule that says my next question has to come within a timely manner. Or at all, for that matter.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Potpourri

I want you to ask the question. Otherwise, there’s no point to this game. Haven’t you ever seen Jumanji?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Hey Jude

Jim, the questions aren’t going to come alive and stampede through Scranton.

No point to the game? You really can’t see all of the “point” this game had?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: General Robert Patton

They might!!

Why would you ever think that just because we were in this game when we started talking more openly that would stop if the game ended? That’s ludicrous.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Watermelon

Well, then, don’t stand behind Kevin.

I don’t think it’s all that ludicrous. This game forces honest and open communication. Would you honestly have told me all of your feelings about me without this game? Maybe. But I probably wouldn’t have told you. And I like telling you things. Sometimes I’m just too scared. And my feelings are not ludicrous, Jim.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Yertle the Turtle

Good one.

I think I would have been honest with you. In time. And you’re right, your feelings aren’t ludicrous. But I really don’t see what you’re so afraid of. I have no intention of not telling you things just because we’re not playing a game, Pam.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Beach sex

Fine. You tell me why you’re so hurt I would even suggest not putting out the 21st question.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Popcorn

Because. It’s the rules of the game. You ask 21 Questions. Otherwise, it would be called 20 Questions.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Wireless Networking

Okay, then why don’t you just refer to it as 20 Questions. I’m not budging on this, Dwight.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Watches

Fine. But I’m not happy about it.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Easter bunny

You don’t have to be. What changed your mind?

And I’ll make it up to you, don’t worry.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Run Forrest Run!

The Dwight comment.

How are you going to make it up to me?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: STDs

A lifetime of sex.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Boobs

You should have led with that…

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: NBC

Next time, I will... Lesson learned.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject Buffalo chicken sandwich

I have a funny something… Would you believe that every time someone asks me to do something, I mentally go through your schedule to make sure it’s not one of the days we can be together?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Arizona State

That’s kind of sad… I do the same thing though… I feel bad knowing that you do it, though. You do it because you want to spend time with me, right? Not because you feel obligated to check with me before you do something?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Attics

Oh, yeah, that’s definitely it. I just can’t stand the thought of being apart from you. Ever.

Have you checked your purse recently?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Airport security

Aww, that was sweet. In a creepy stalker kind of way.

I have “checked my purse” but I didn’t find anything of significance.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Jenna Fischer is so hot

Did you check your key ring?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Who is that?

Oh, no... Not yet.

One more key than normal. What’s this key to? Your heart?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Triple Chocolate Chip cookies

You already have that one, silly. It’s the key to a house.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: camera phones

Which house might that be, Mr. Halpert?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Come here Staples! Here boy!

Dwight’s.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Planners

Oh my gosh. How do you… What…. Oh my gosh.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Done

Well, he had one house key on his key chain. Angela had two, so I took the one that matched off of hers (how like her to not give him one). Now we both have a copy of Dwight’s house key. I searched the public records and found his address. What should we do?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Secrets

You want to actually DO something?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Mommy and Me gymnastics

Well, yeah. Why else would we have his keys?

Do you think he has a bank in his house?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Stonewall

No, I don’t think he has a bank in his house, Jim. I also don’t think we’ll look a tad suspicious buying ski masks and toy guns at the local CVS.

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Mugs

I already bought those... We should at least go to his house during our lunch break and move something? Turn the TV set backwards so all you can see is the cables? How can he watch The Apprentice that way?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Suzie Lee

Rename all of his Harry Potter books?

Voldemort and the Sorcerer’s Stone
Voldemort and the Chamber of Secrets
Voldemort and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Voldemort and the Goblet of Fire
Voldemort and the Order of the Phoenix
Voldemort and the Half Blood Prince
Voldemort and the Deathly Hallows

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject Flonkerton

Switch the items in his bedroom dresser with the ones in the kitchen cabinet?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Tennis shoes

Cut a hole in the crotch of his laser tag uniform?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Nickel Creek

Switch all of his Monopoly money with Schrute bucks?

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Key

Move his bed to the bathroom?

To: Pamela Beesly
From: Jim Halpert
Subject: Capture the flag

Okay, I’ll meet you at the car in three minutes.

To: Jim Halpert
From: Pamela Beesly
Subject: Free Rice