Ignorance- lack of awareness or knowledge.

Chapter 1: Elevator Buttons

Pam backed up slowly into the hallway trying to control what little breathing she had. Roy had come to hit Jim. Literally hit him. She knew Roy was violent but, Jesus Christ, she never thought he had enough courage to do it in front of the entire office. And he managed to do so, she watched it happen. It was slow motion and she felt like her mind had recorded it for her viewing pleasure. She just kept seeing it over and over again. Roy coming in, eyes full of anger, Jim turning slightly—Pam shuddered, the wet crunch of Roy’s fist against Jim’s jaw.

The office doors opened suddenly and she saw Dwight and Creed dragging Roy, but he wasn’t going that easy.

“Pam can we talk for a one second?” His voice was rough and angry.

“Haven’t you done enough today?” Pam sniffled, rubbing the end of her sweater across her face.

“Come on, Jim’s fine. It was just a tap.”

“He’s bleeding Roy! That’s not just a tap!”

He looked down as if he was embarrassed by what had happened. “It’s just…you were my fiancé.”

Pam looked up at him incredulously. “Were Roy. Were, as in not anymore.”

She turned on her heel heading back into the awkward silence of the office.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Karen dabbed around Jim’s chin making him grimace. “Sorry, you alright?”

He barely nodded, glancing through the conference room windows to see Pam make her way back to her desk. There were tears on her face and he looked down, scared tears might start threatening him as well.

Karen followed his gaze and sighed angrily, now pushing a little harder on his face. Jim barely felt it though; he was starting to wonder if he was numb. “She should be ashamed of herself. Having a damn crazy husband like that.”

“Ex-fiancé.” Jim heard himself whisper. He felt her push harder on his chin and he winced, but it didn’t hurt as much as he thought it would. As she pulled back the wet cloth, there was blood on it still and he felt himself wondering why it didn’t hurt more.

He managed to glance at Pam one more time before Karen really got upset with him. He then realized where all his pain was going; his heart was broken. Why would his body deal with a mere cut on his chin when pieces were falling from his heart?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pam turned the corner out of the office grateful that the damn day was finally over. She barely made the elevator and when she pushed the button for the doors to open, Jim was standing there holding an ice pack to his face.

She hesitated and almost screamed. She never hesitated with Jim. “I can…I can wait for the next one.”

Jim shook his head and moved farther to the right side as if to indicate she could enter. And when the doors closed silence filled the shaft making the inside of Pam’s ears throb. Like the silence was louder than anything she’d ever heard before and it was bouncing of the walls in the elevator, radiating back to her eardrums.

“Where’s Karen?” She squeaked.

He barely looked at her and shook his head. “She went home.” The ice pack was starting to feel warmer than he was.

Pam nodded and knew he wasn’t going to say anything to her anymore. “I’m sorry, it’s all my fault.”

Jim blinked trying to think of what to say. It was too easy to say it was all ok when it wasn’t, but it was entirely too hard to tell her the truth. So he said nothing at all, the emptiness of the conversation starting to make his ears ache.

He kept hearing her sniffle and rub her god damn face with her arm and hands. Why the hell wasn’t the elevator moving?

He looked at the buttons and realized none of them had been pushed. He pressed for floor one and the thing roared to life, pulling them down. It was ironic how much it resembled them lately. All he and Pam did was stand still until the other was brave enough to push another’s buttons. Neither of them ever moved until given direction by the other. And now Pam wasn’t moving at all, because Jim was tired of having his damn buttons pressed all the time. He let her stand in place, he was going places.

Ignorance- lack of awareness or knowledge.

Chapter 2: Warm hands and pouring rain.

“Don’t you think you should say something to her?” Karen asked again, looping her arm through Jim’s.

He rolled his eyes and grew more annoyed every time she said it. The thing that irritated him the most was that she was right. He should have said something to Pam, whether it was yelling at her or telling her it was all ok. But he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He didn’t want to look at her, let alone talk with her.

He shut the car door and maneuvered his bag around his shoulder. “I don’t think I need to—“

“Don’t you think you should? I mean Roy attacked you.”

Jim winced when she said the word attacked. It made him feel like Roy was this huge animal that went on a rampage.

“I can come with you...” Karen offered.

He knew she was just trying to be nice but she really had no idea how bad of a wound she was poking and prodding at. “No, I’ll handle it. I just mean…later today.” He smiled slightly, giving her a kiss on the head as they tried to catch the elevator.

Jim put his hand between the two doors to stop them from closing. They latched open and he paused seeing Pam in the corner.

What was it with them and damn elevators lately?

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Karen, Jim and Pam stood awkwardly in the elevator. Thank God he had remembered to push the button this time because much more of this and someone was going to have to break the silence, even if it had to be him.

Unfortunately, Karen got to it first. “So we’re still heading out tonight right?” she asked him sweetly, now holding his hand.

Jim glanced at Pam seeing her flinch and droop her head. He didn’t want to feel bad for her, because he and Karen were in a relationship. And that’s how a normal couple acted, talking about their dates in front of other people. But this was different. It was Pam. He didn’t want to do that to her, but he didn’t understand why. If he loved Karen, whom he was sure he did, he should have been able to do that.

He shook his head and whispered to her. “Can we talk about this somewhere else?”

Finally the bell dinged, signaling they could get off the elevator. Pam went first, Jim following, and an angry Karen following behind. What a perfect way to start the day.

~*~*~

Pam tried concentrating on the speech Michael was bantering in the conference room. Although every time she tried to focus she ended up staring out the window. Thank god Michael was hosting an absurd meeting; otherwise she’d be forced to stare at Jim instead of the pouring rain outside. The sky was nearly black and the clouds swooshed across it with a glimmering slowness. Pam usually loved to watch it rain outside, especially if she was in a crappy mood. It made her feel like the weather was much worse than how she was feeling.

Michael noticed she was staring out the window and rudely smacked his hand against the table, which grabbed her attention. “Are you writing all this down Pam?”

From force of habit she glanced at Jim, but as he looked up she turned her attention back to Michael and nodded. “Yeah, got it all right here.”

Michael nodded his head and barely glanced at her notes, which was good since it had ramblings and doodles covering it. He finally ended the speech trying to boost optimism but just got annoyed grumbles instead. She couldn’t even remember what he had been trying to talk about in this damn meeting until Michael told everyone to grab a “Hope and Dreams Survey.” She rolled her eyes, like her hopes and dreams really meant anything.

After two or three people grabbed their surveys, Dwight for some reason taking multiple sheets, she went to take her own. Although at that same time, Jim also reached for one. Their hands brushed slightly; Jim’s cold hand barely grasping Pam’s warm one.

She freezed, trying not to look up at him because she didn’t think he noticed that her hand is the one he touched. She finally looks at him and he pulls his hand back and shoves it into his pocket.

As he leaves without taking the paper she wonders if he felt the heat radiating from her skin within those ten seconds they were touching. It’d be impossible to miss. Especially since her cheeks flushed with crimson every time they were near.

~*~*~

Jim rubbed his hand where Pam’s warm fingers had been. He didn’t remember when things got so cold. When did things that used to make him warm turn to ice? Like Pam. All this time, all he ever knew was her and how she made him feel. He always felt warm with Karen but he never felt hot. At least not in the way Pam made him feel.

And it had nothing to do with sex, because with Pam it was always more than that. Not just empty sheets filled moans and movements of lust and abandonment. She was more. She was always more.

~*~*~

Pam took her seat back at reception and gathered her things to leave. She’d take the survey home and fill it out there, preferably with a wine bottle in close range. She couldn’t help rubbing her hands over where Jim’s cold fingers had been. She wondered when his hands had gotten so frozen, but then again that wasn’t that only thing with frigid temperatures lately. She missed feeling warm, the feeling of being with Jim.

She peered above the counter and saw Karen walk over to Jim’s desk and motioned to leave. But he shook his head and pointed to his computer which Karen didn’t seem so pleased about.

Pam shook her head and tore her eyes away. Why stare at something that’ll burn you’re eyes? She shut down her computer and went to the elevator. Why spend time trying to get that warmth back when he’s clearly given it to another?

~*~*~

Jim got out of the office an hour after he was supposed to. His damn work took twice as long with Dwight looking over his shoulder at everything he did. He knew he should have just left when he heard Dwight was staying late to work too, but he didn’t think he’d be that annoyed. In spite of that, at least he got that stupid survey done. He looked at his watch and realized he’d be late to meet Karen but he wasn’t going to kill himself trying to rush.

Trying to avoid the still pouring rain he sprinted to his car, managing to step in three puddles on the way.

“God damnit.” He grumbled quietly, lifting up his pant leg to see how much was wet.

As he turned his review mirror slightly he thought he saw Pam standing near the gate. He squinted at the mirror before turning to look out the passenger window. And sure enough, there she was. She was standing under a small umbrella that seemed to be doing little good. The wind was terrible out and she was struggling to keep the thing from turning inside out on her.

He can’t help but wonder what the hell she’s doing there, since work got out over an hour ago. He glanced around the parking lot for her car but then realized that was a stupid idea because if she had her car, she’d be in it. He looked at her and then turned around and gripped the steering wheel. He tried to think of why it wasn’t a good idea to be watching her, to want to take her home. But God help him, he couldn’t think of any.

So he grabbed his umbrella and got out of the car again, running into the same puddle as he walked over to her.

“Hey.” He said over the thunder. “What are you still doing here?”

She looked at him and her eyes were red. But he can’t tell if she’s actually crying because the rain is splashing her face. “Roy took the truck. He probably forgot about how I can’t take the bus anymore.” She was rambling. “The buses changed routes and everything. So the closest stop is 45 min away from my house. Plus, it’s Thursday, he has a poker game.”

He shook his head and wondered why she always felt the need to stick up for the dumbass. “You want a ride?”

Jim couldn’t believe he honestly asked her that. After all the promises he made to himself that he wasn’t going to get sucked in again; to fall so easily for this girl. He tried convincing himself that this was different; he couldn’t leave her to wait for a ride in the pouring rain. But still, part of him wished she’d say no. And he would nod, get back in his car and go home to Karen.

But she didn’t. “Yeah, thanks.” And she walked past him to his car.

Karen was going to kill him.

When they finally reached his car and shut the doors, both of them were soaked. But for some reason, Jim wasn’t as cold as he thought he would be. He glanced over at Pam and saw she was shivering and he turned on the heat. Just because he was having temperature issues didn’t mean everyone else was.

As he sat back for a moment and waited for the car to heat up, he couldn’t help but glance at Pam. She was pulling the sleeves of her sweater over her hands, trying to warm them up. Although, that didn’t do anything since she was basically drenched from head to toe. Droplets of rain were falling off her loose curls onto her skirt, seeping into the already drenched fabric.

Jim looked over himself felt his jacket and pants. He was wet too, and feeling his skin, it was cold to the touch.

So why all of a sudden did he feel warm?

~*~*~

Pam wished the damn car would warm up already. She couldn’t stop shivering and she knew Jim kept looking at her because of it. His compassion and sympathy was something she always loved him for. But not now, not when everything with him was cold and unsure. If he didn’t stop looking at her like that, she’d have to get out of the car.

“It should warm up in a few minutes.” He said finally filling the dead silence in the car.

She just nodded. She liked the silence; if no one talked neither of them could lie.

~*~*~

He wanted to keep talking to her but he didn’t know what to say. That’s when he finally realized how off they had been. Pam was someone he could always talk to. Now it was pointless questions and empty conversations.

She interrupted him before he could talk. “Is Karen waiting for you?”

Jim looked at her dumbfounded. He hadn’t thought of Karen since she had gotten in the car. “Yeah, were going…”

Pam laughed bitterly. It was something Jim never wanted to hear come from her again. “I don’t need to know the details.”

Jim nodded and put the shift into drive. He was beginning to like the silence filling the car.

“Am I taking you to your apartment?” he asked, not caring if monotone was beginning to take over his voice.

“Yes.” She answered, looking out the window.

He wondered if she was just going to answer only yes or no questions. Was that the game plan now? Just ignore all the other questions that needed more of an explanation? It was so like Pam to run away from things that got too much for her to handle; things that mattered too much for her to be disappointed.

If anything, that was why he was with Karen. It was at those times he hated himself the most.

~*~*~

Pam realized that after Jim pulled out from the parking lot, he stopped trying to make conversation with her. She didn’t know whether she was disappointed he stopped trying or whether she was relieved that the twenty questions would cease.

She reached for the radio knob and pulled back; hoping Jim didn’t see her slip. She couldn’t do things like that anymore. She wasn’t use to that and she hoped it was something she never got comfortable with. She still wanted to be his friend, but it was hard. He had Karen and she was damn near perfect. Why would Jim need a friend like her when he had Karen?

~*~*~

Jim saw her reach for the radio and his breath caught. It happened so quickly that the air trapped in his throat seemed to burn the muscles and bone. He watched her pull her hand back and set it on her lap and he focused on the road not wanting her to know what he saw. He was glad she had a second thought because the music that would have turned on was a CD he had made a while back. It was titled, “Songs about Pam.”

Not that she would recognize the songs were about her, but it upset Jim to no end. He wondered why in the hell it was still in the car. He could have sworn he took it out and threw it somewhere when he got back from Stamford. But things like that surprised him. He didn’t want to believe that throwing things out of his reach was going to make him feel better.

Or that listening to songs about Pam when Karen was in the car didn’t mean anything.

~*~*~

Jim turned onto Pam’s street and parked the car. When they stopped she hesitated, not wanting to get out.

He glanced up from staring at the dash. “Something…wrong?” he asked quietly. It was a stupid question; everything was wrong. “You do live here right?” He made a stupid joke because that’s the only thing he knew how to do when things got rough.

“Yeah. Listen Jim,” she turned towards him now. “I don’t want things like this.”

“Like what?” He knew how to play dumb really well too. But she wasn’t amused.

“Like…this. We haven’t had a real conversation in how many days now? You honestly want to stay this way?” Her voice was thick with emotion and he couldn’t look at her because of it.

“I don’t—I. I don’t know.” It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t actually the truth either.

She held her head low and nodded. Jim could see droplets falling onto her skirt again but he knew it wasn’t rain this time. He let out a sigh and looked around in the car, not knowing what to do. If anything, everything, had been different he would have reached over and gathered her into his arms. But he shook his head and thought of Karen.

When she sniffled and tears started pouring more frequently he guessed she was feeling embarrassed because she turned to get out of the car.

“Pam wait, come on. Don’t cry ok?” he pleaded with her. She inched back into the car and didn’t wait a moment more to throw her arms around him.

He was tense for a minute, but not a second longer. She folded into his arms and rested her head on his broad chest. They had fallen back into what they were before, even if Jim wanted to deny it or not.

~*~*~

Pam felt so stupid lying there and sobbing on Jim’s chest. She was embarrassed, and upset, and instantly wanted to crawl into a hole.

Although, beyond all her screwed up emotions, she was confused too. He was stroking her hair and moving down to her back to rub in small circles, which is something he should not have been doing. She knew he was with Karen and the lines that he was crossing by doing this.

And at that moment Pam noticed something she hadn’t in days, Jim was warm again.

Chapter 4: Eye contact.

Jim walked in and hung up his coat near the reception desk. He did his best just to glance at Pam but he couldn’t help but stare at her when they made eye contact. He knew she couldn’t help do the same thing; it’s just something they’ve always done.

As he walked by she gave him a small smile, which he returned. After the car yesterday they seemed to have come to an understanding of where they stood. But God help him, he couldn’t let it go. He knew deep down he didn’t like where they stood. It was like they were on a cliff and if they took one more step they’d fall off the edge.

Jim saw Karen walk in and approach his desk and Pam looked down, breaking their eye contact.

“I had fun last night. Maybe we could do the same thing tonight…but skipping the dinner part.” She had her hands on Jim’s tie and was slightly pulling at it.

He felt like she was choking him. “Yeah, sure.”

He was surprised when she just walked away after his short answer. She couldn’t tell something was off about him? But maybe its better that way. If she can’t tell something’s wrong with them, he doesn’t have to fix it.

Before turning to get to work, he made one more look at Pam. She’s looking down now but he knew she wasn’t really working. As if reading his mind she looks up and they connect eyes again and he notices something different. The color of her eyes seems to have dulled and he wonders if she can see in black and white because of it. He can see she’s hurt too, probably is that way every time he looks at her. But he can’t stop.

~*~*~

Pam can tell Jim’s reading her expressions through her eyes and she looks down before he can get too far. She knows her eyes are like mirrors. Look into them long enough and you can see a true reflection of what she’s feeling.

She didn’t want him to know how she truly felt. It would just mess things up for him and Karen. She just wanted him to be happy and she could tell he was with her. And she wouldn’t destroy that for him. He deserved to be happy, even if it meant she wouldn’t be.

~*~*~

Jim gets up and heads into the break room to get coffee, feeling someone on his heels. He holds the door open for them and realizes that it’s Karen. Of course it is; she’s always two steps behind him.

“Did you say something to Pam yet?” she asks.

Jim looks at her and for a moment. “I made up with her yesterday.”

“Made up? When?”

She’s genuinely confused and that’s when Jim remembers he didn’t tell her he gave Pam a ride home. He wonders why he didn’t, seeing as how you’re supposed to tell the one you love everything. It was strange, he could tell Pam everything.

“It was pouring down rain. I gave Pam a ride home.” It wasn’t a big deal was it? He can’t understand why he didn’t tell her. She had asked him when he got to the restaurant last night why he was late.

Karen puts a hand on his forearm and he can’t help but wonder if thats some speical way to get his attention. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t know.” He shakes his head. He honestly doesn’t know why he didn’t tell her. The answer that kept repeating in his head was that he didn’t want to. He wanted to keep the real answer to himself. After all if he didn’t need to tell Karen, he wouldn’t have to feel bad about it later.

~*~*~
Pam’s head jerked up when Karen slammed the break room door closed. She hoped to God that it had nothing to do with her. But her hope died when Karen glared at her on her way out of the office.

She shook her head and headed back to the break room to find Jim leaning on the sink, his head was so low that it was basically in his cup of coffee.

“What happened?” she asked him. They could talk about stuff like that now right?

He just shook his head and never looked up at her. Maybe they couldn’t talk about this. They could talk about anything else but this. She was about to turn and leave when he finally said they had a fight.

She wasn’t surprised. Jim and Karen were always fighting about something. It reminded Pam of the way Roy and her had been. But she wouldn’t dare mention that to Jim. “What were you fighting about?”

He stood up and turned to look at her. Was he that tall before? “I didn’t tell Karen that I took you home last night. And I don’t know why.”

She nodded and couldn’t help but think that he was damn sure of what the answer was. And Pam was almost furious at him for it. He was always telling her that she was the one that had to take chances on things when he couldn’t even tell Karen the truth of why he was late for their date.

“You sure about that?” she asked and when she saw his expression she wished she hadn’t.

“I’m not lying. I really don’t know why I didn’t tell her.”

She could tell she was upsetting him and she decided she’d leave before she screwed up the damage control that happened yesterday. “Well you should go after her, try and talk it out.”

He shook his head. “She’s pretty pissed at me.”

Pam shrugged her shoulders. “You love her don’t you?” She didn’t know if she was asking more for herself or to actually help Jim.

He barely nodded at first but then became more confident in passing seconds.

“You don’t throw things like that away Jim. Might be hard to find later.”

She turned and left before he made eye contact with her. She knew if he would have, he’d be able to see right through her.

~*~*~

“You love her don’t you?” He heard her ask.

Jim found himself really asking himself that. Did he really love Karen? He thought he did. At times he felt like he loved her more than Pam. Or was that just something he tried to convince himself was happening.

But regardless of what the hell he felt, he found himself nodding slowly. Using words would just tip off the fact that he was lying.

“You don’t throw things like that away Jim. Might be hard to find later.” Was she accusing him of something?

He almost laughed when he’d heard that. Where the hell was she coming from? She couldn’t have been referring to Karen; she was talking about herself. She had to be, because it was too much of a coincidence if she wasn’t. Jim was angry when Pam said that because it made him feel like he had just thrown her to the side. Did she really think he could do that? Just pick someone else up and forget about her?

He was about to ask her those same questions when he realized that that’s what he basically had done. But he had just moved on, which is something you’re not supposed to feel guilty about.

Jim tried looking into her eyes before she left but she turned just in time to avoid him. He was kind of relived that she turned when she did because if he saw one suspicion that she was talking about herself, he would have called her out on it.

“Karen hey...” Jim tried to approach her with caution. Luckily she was sitting on one of the steps in the staircase so she couldn’t throw anything at him. She looked up at him and had tear tracks down her face, which he instantly felt like an ass for. What was it with him and making women cry? First Pam and now her; he swore he had a hidden talent or something.

“Hi.” She said. Great one syllable, he was making progress.

He sat next to her. “Look, I’m sorry. You were right; I should have told you about dropping Pam off.”

She nodded and wiped under her eyes with her fingertips. “So why didn’t you?”

Damnit, they were going to get into this all over again weren’t they? “I just, I didn’t want to fight with you.” He surprised himself with how quickly he could come up with a lie.

“Ok, but you see telling me now just got us into this fight? Just tell me the truth next time.” And how quickly she could buy into it.

Jim nodded but said nothing. He was confused with her wording, or maybe he just wanted to muddle with the facts. Her rules had been simple: just tell the truth next time. So did that mean tell the truth, or were some white lies considered to be more honest? After all, aren’t white lies better to hear if the truth is more painful?

“I will.” He said to reassure her, although he had no idea what he meant by promising that.

Karen turned and put her arms around him and he pulled her closer. Her hair covered some of his face and he drew in her scent with a small smile. She smelled like some type of berries, which made him feel very secure and serene. She smelled like something he knew, but he couldn’t grasp what it was.

~*~*~

Jim sat down in the break room and opened his brown bag. He was taking his lunch break now, no matter what anybody else said. It was only; he looked at his watch, a half an hour ahead of schedule. Would anyone really care that much? Besides, while everyone was still working he could have some time to himself.

He glanced through the windows at Karen and thought back to their previous conversation. He was still trying to work through what she had said, although he was pretty sure what the bottom line was. Maybe he could talk with Pam about it; she seemed to have pretty good advice on what his problems were. But maybe talking with Pam about his problems was the problem.

Jim wonders what would have happened if he would have told Karen it took Pam to knock some sense into him to come and talk with her. He’s glad he didn’t, it’d be another fight he’d have to fix.

When he looked up he saw Pam sitting across from him. He’d been so deep in his thoughts he didn’t even see her come in. Seeing the expectant look on her face he guessed she had asked him something.

“What?” he asked.

She put another chip into her mouth and swallowed. “I said did you make up with Karen?”

“Oh, yeah I did.” Whatever the hell that meant. He was so damned confused anymore on what he intended when he spoke. “You’re taking your lunch early?”

She shrugged. “You look sad and lonely.”

He smiled and took a chip from her. “Wow thanks Beesely.”

“What did she say?”

He kept feeling like Pam had a teleprompter feeding her these constant questions to ask. “She told me to tell the truth and we hugged. We’re alright now…I guess.”

She smiled picking up his grape soda can. “You guess?”

He watched as she took a sip from it and put it back in front of him. He wondered how in the hell she did it so calmly when he felt like he was going to implode. “Yeah, I guess. You know that thing you do when you’re not really sure of something? That’s called guessing.”

She made an “O” shape with her mouth and lightly kicked at his shin under the table. “Wow, thanks Dwight.”

He smiled again and was about to ask her about the other part of the whole truth thing, but then decided against it. It wouldn’t be hard to figure out what to do. He already knew that there were two types of lies.

There was a white lie, which he found to be very easy to use. Maybe too easy, since it becomes a habit after so many uses. He used a white lie when he had arrived late for dinner with Karen and he had told her it was traffic instead of Pam.

But then there was another type of lie, the red ones. The red ones are more serious and hurt all the more. The red ones were the kind you only kept to yourself; the ones you hide away in cages far deep inside you because you don’t know how to deal with them. Everyone had their red lies. But the problem with Jim was he was having trouble deciphering what was red, white, or the truth anymore.

“Did you want to say something?”

“What?” He had to remember to stay focused when he was talking to someone. Otherwise his other thoughts made him form questions and Pam always knew when he wanted to say something.

She shrugged. “You looked like you wanted to say something.”

Jim smiled and picked up his soda can, which was in front of Pam again, and took a sip out of it. “Other than keep you’re hands off my grape soda, I’ve got nothing.”

One small lie at a time.
~*~*~


Jim followed Pam into the conference room for one of Michael’s deranged meetings. He didn’t understand why they really needed to go in the conference room for these things anyway, it’s not like anyone was really paying attention except for Dwight.

He was about to sit down next to Pam when he saw Karen walk in and sit on the opposite side of the room. When she made eye contact with him he knew he was screwed.

He turned to Pam. “Hey, I better go sit next to Karen. I don’t want to get into another fight with her.”

She nodded like she understood. “Yeah of course, go ahead.”

Even though she was smiling he could sense she was hurt. No, he wasn’t going to do this. He wasn’t just going to hurt Pam just so he wouldn’t piss off Karen. “You know what? Why don’t you sit on the other side of me?”

As soon as the words left his mouth he knew he should have smacked himself in the forehead. When they sat down he could practically feel the angry waves off of Karen and when he glanced at Pam he could tell she felt awkward. It was like a twisted game of monkey-in-the-middle, but no one was happy to be playing games. Although after the meeting started, he decided he really didn’t care. He was tired of keeping the two people he cared about most in separate categories.

As the presentation droned on, Jim suddenly felt a weight on his arm. He looked to his right and Pam was leaning her forearm against it. It reminded him of the time that she once fell asleep on his shoulder during that diversity presentation. Butterflies filled his stomach at the memory and he wished his feelings were as simple as they were then.

The only thing that was ever on his mind then was Pam. It was simple and easy and he missed that. He missed knowing who he woke up in the morning for or knowing why in the hell he came to work. He was tired of being confused and having his feelings shift every time he saw Karen or Pam.

He looked at Karen and saw she was staring at Pam leaning against his arm. In all honesty, his arm was starting to fall asleep and the pins and needles poking at him wanted her to get off. But feeling those butterflies in stomach, with their powerful aphrodisiacs, made sure he’d never tell her to move.

Jim would never tell Karen this and he made sure to think of a good explanation later, but he’d rather have his arm fall off then have Pam move to a different position.

Pam looked up from her desk for what had to be the one hundredth time in the last five minutes. She didn’t know why she kept looking up to check on Jim. He’d been doing the same thing for twenty minutes now; eating a Hershey bar and staring at his computer. He occasionally hit the mouse a few times, five times to be exact, and that’s when Pam knew she was taking a drastic step into stalking. Maybe she kept looking at him thinking the scenery would change. Like one time she would look up and Karen wouldn’t be sitting a few feet away from him.

When Karen got up and she saw her head into the bathroom, Pam got up quickly and headed to Jim’s desk.

“Hey.” She said coolly.

He turned in his chair and popped another Hershey piece into his mouth. “Hi. What’s up?”

“I was wondering if you wanted to…” she glanced at his mouth for a moment. Damn. How in the hell did he look so hot just by suckling on chocolate. Another thought popped into her head and her eyes went wide for a moment.

Jim must have seen it because he smiled. “Pam, I know I cause every woman I meet to become wide eyed but is there something you wanted?”

Maybe if she could focus on anything but his mouth she’d be ok in forming sentences, but it wasn’t likely. “Yeah, do you want to get some coffee after work?”

Jim looked like he was about to protest and she added quickly. “If you have nothing else and if it’s ok with Karen?” She was glad she put that in there, after all Karen seemed to be a mother figure lately.

He smiled and handed her a piece of chocolate and nodded. “Yeah, sure. I’m guessing you’re talking about The Coffee Bean?”

Pam nodded and avoided saying anything else by popping the chocolate in her mouth. She headed back to her desk and swirled her tongue around the sugary chocolate. She couldn’t help but wonder if Jim tasted just as sweet…and nearly fell off her chair by thinking so.
~*~*~

Jim couldn’t help but smile as he watched Pam return to her desk. He hoped he’d be able to go to get coffee with her and tried to remember if he had anything with Karen that’d interfere with doing so. He headed into the break room and was met with Karen coming out of the bathroom.

“Hey, do we have anything planned tonight?”

She shook her head. “I don’t think so. Why, what did you want to do?”

The chocolate in Jim’s mouth suddenly turned bitter and he swallowed thickly. “Um, actually Mark invited me for a game of cards. I was wondering if it’s ok if I go.”

Karen seemed wary for a moment but then nodded and kissed Jim on the cheek. “Sure, I’ll see you later then?”

Jim nodded not looking at her. He rubbed his hand over his face and touched his cheek where Karen had just left him a kiss. His skin felt like it was on fire and he wondered if she had left a scar on his face.

What the hell was he doing? If Karen found out he had been lying, let alone lying to go somewhere with Pam, they’d be done. But it wasn’t like he was going out with Pam, right? It was just a friendly cup of coffee and at worst sharing a piece of The Coffee Bean’s famous chocolate cake. There was no harm in that, right?

He watched as Karen sat down and looked up at him to give a smile. And at that exact same moment Pam popped her head up, and gave him the same toothy grin. His eyes darted between the two and finally he just smiled. But as he turned around he couldn’t bet on his life on who he was really smiling at.
~*~*~

Jim held open the door open for Pam as they entered The Coffee Bean. They got in line and Pam looked up at the board full of caffeinated beverages.

“What are you going to get?” Jim asked her.

Pam shrugged. “I don’t know yet, what about you?”

“Probably a Caramel Latte.” He suddenly cocked his head to the side to look at her. “And you always know what you’re getting here. You get the same thing every time.”

“I do not.” Pam said a little insulted. How in the hell did he know what she always got, or never got for that matter.

He sighed. “Regular coffee with one shot of espresso and two shots of vanilla.” He shrugged when he saw she was a bit miffed at his answer. “You never try anything new.”

Pam suddenly let out a sour laugh. “Right, I forgot about you Halpert. You always need to switch between things. Can’t stay with one thing for too long, might get boring.”

He looked taken back and for a moment she was afraid she went too far. “I’m going to get a table.”

Pam nodded as he left, maybe she had said too much.
~*~*~

Jim watched as Pam ordered the coffee and placed his coat over the back of his chair. He was surprised she had the nerve to say that much to him. But maybe over time that’s just what happens. You can hear only so much bullshit until you build a backbone to say something about it.

But he figured since she’d been with Roy she’d have four damn backbones by now. So why was she so afraid of making her own choices half the time?

She placed a coffee cup in front of him and placed her own jacket on the chair. She blew on her coffee and he took a sip of his own. “Careful, it’s hot.”

She blew on her own and gestured to the coaster surrounding the hot cup. “It says Caution: Hot Contents, Halpert. I think I can read.”

He kept wondering when her voice attained so much snark. Although she did smile after she said it so maybe they were back where they were supposed to be. That’s how it was always fixed between them. One smile or a bag of sour cream and onion chips was all it ever took to fix them. It was a relief really, since Karen’s idea of fixing things was late night talks and relationship seminars.

“Right…so…” And the awkwardness, where did that come from? “Christmas is almost here.”

She nodded and let out a little giggle. “Yeah, three months away Halpert.”

He smiled and wondered why she kept calling him by his last name. She never did it so much before. It was different then when he called her Beesely, but he couldn’t figure out why.

“Why did you want to start Christmas shopping? We could beat the three month rush.”

Great, she was mocking him now. He just raised his eyebrows and took a drink of his coffee. “We could buy Angela a heart and Dwight a clue.”

Pam laughed and it sounded anything but bitter. He missed making her laugh that way. He missed the way it lit him up inside when she did.

“What’s in the bag?” He asked, just realizing there was a small white bag next to her.

“Oh, chocolate coffee cake. I figured I’d take it home but if you want to share it…?”

He nodded and watched as she took it out of the bag and placed it on a napkin which had been underneath her coffee cup. She handed him a fork that was in the bag and he looked up at her confused.

“You don’t want a fork?”

“I can use my hands, its just cake.”

He lightly threw the fork at her and smiled as they both took a bit of it and popped it into their mouths.

“So what did you end up getting to drink?” he asked hoping not to bring up the same fight all over again.

She scrunched her nose and Jim smiled. “I think it was coffee with a shot of espresso. But I put a caramel and cinnamon shot in there too.”

He raised one of his eyebrows. “Very daring Beesley.”

She shrugged and admitted in a small voice, “Change isn’t always bad, right? Do you want to taste it?”

He gave a small nod and she pushed her cup towards him. As he took a sip, he hardly recognized the cinnamon or the caramel filling his mouth. All he could taste was Pam’s lip-gloss on the rim of the cup. It had a sickly watermelon taste to it and it felt like it was lighting his lips on fire. He tried to remember what it had been like when he had kissed her that Casino night. Had it been the same fiery experience? He was pretty sure that he couldn’t forget something that felt that way.

“What do you think?” she asked.

“It’s ok, for something new. Taste mine.” He pushed her cup back and gave her his. Like she didn’t know what the hell coffee or caramel tasted like. Honestly, he just wanted her watermelon flavored lips on his cup. That way when he drank from his cup he’d taste her again. It was almost like kissing really, seeing as how it’d be the closest he’d ever get again.
~*~*~

Pam took his cup from him and took a hearty sip. It was really sweet and filled with caramel foam. Although beyond all that, her taste buds could sense something else, and she could have sworn it was chocolate. Maybe that’s what his lips really tasted like and she just never noticed it before. After all, she’d only kissed his lips once and it had been too long ago.

“Well?” he asked.

She drew her lips into her mouth for a moment and tasted the last of it. “It’s good. Kind of tastes like chocolate.”

He gave her a typical Jim face and smirked. “Odd, since there’s only caramel in the cup. Maybe it’s from the cake.”

She nodded but didn’t believe one word of it. She wanted to believe he really did taste that way since she’d never get that chance again.

“I think mine’s better.” She smiled taking a bit more of the cake.

“Really? Well I think you’re a mess.”

She looked at him confused until Jim got up and went to her side of the table. He slowly took his finger and wiped right under her chin where chocolate icing had apparently been.

She smiled and maroon began filling her cheeks. “Thanks.” She barely squeaked out.

And before she knew what she was doing she left a small kiss on his lips. Jim backed up slowly as he began to kiss her back.

“I’m-I’m sorry.” She said and grabbed her coat.

She left before she could hear him say it was ok. And wadda ya know, Jim did taste like chocolate.

Pam woke up with a throbbing headache. She guessed it had something to do with half a wine bottle she downed after she got home from The Coffee Bean but maybe that was just her. She couldn’t believe she kissed Jim. Granted she just pecked him on the lips but it was still something you weren’t supposed to do, especially since he had a girlfriend. Oh god, she really didn’t want to face Karen today. Maybe she could just lie back in bed and forget all that happened yesterday. But something told her the problem wouldn’t just go away if she went back to sleep.

As she got up and glanced at the calendar she nearly tangled herself in the sheets and tripped. May 17th. Was today May 17th? Great, beyond her pulsating headache today was her birthday. She wouldn’t have minded it so much but she worked for Michael Scott so today was going to be a circus.

Her doorbell rang and she shuffled to the door. Before looking through the peep hole and realizing what a mess she was, seeing as how she just woke up, she threw open the door.

“Morning-- whoa. You look, not ok.”

Pam blinked a few times. “Jim? What’re you…?”

“Brought coffee.” She didn’t even see that he was holding up coffee cups in both of his hands. She just kept staring at his face, what the hell was he doing here?

Pam was about to ask him again when she leaned her head against the doorframe and groaned slightly. She closed her eyes as her lovely headache took a violent shove into overdrive.

“Are you…hung-over?” Jim asked pushing past her. She could literally hear the smile in his voice.

She shut the door and sat on a chair near where Jim had put the coffee down. She watched as he searched through her kitchen cabinets before pulling out a pill bottle. He shook the bottle and two pills fell out on the table and he handed her one of the coffees.

“Here take these.” He said putting the bottle back.

“Jim. What are you doing here?” She put the pills in her mouth and took a huge gulp of coffee.

“Right,” he said sarcastically. “like you could really hide this from me forever.”

Right, like everything was going to be different now? The only thing that changed was that Jim knew how she felt now. He couldn’t just hide from that forever. But something didn’t feel right. Although she was happy to see that he wasn’t mad at her, she thought he’d be at least a little upset.

“Pam, it’s you’re birthday. And I don’t care what you say; you are going into work today. You know how hard Michael and Dwight work to embarrass you, plus I even told them where you wanted your birthday celebration.”

She shook her head. “I hate you.”

Jim nodded and smiled. “I’m affectionate towards you too. Now get in the shower, the birthday festivities need to begin.”

Pam got up and trudged to her bathroom. She let out a sigh and went to turn the water on and felt the tap. Guess he couldn’t be upset with her if he just ignored what had happened.
~*~*~

When the bathroom door shut Jim let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. What the hell was he doing here? He kept hoping that he was drunk and he was just hallucinating about all this. Although the ringing headache in his ears told him he wasn’t. He was drunk enough last night to know the difference.

He was happy to know that Pam and him were on the same page about getting plastered after The Coffee Bean incident. He winced at his choice of words. Was that what it was now? Just a big mistake that should be ignored? Didn’t feel like any old accident when her lips had been on his. That had been the starting of his drinking spur last night; he could still taste her. He was hoping with enough alcohol the taste would just go away; that she would go away. But he had no such luck; it was proved by the fact that he could hear the shower running.

His cell phone chirped noisily in his pocket and before he answered he took a look at the caller ID. Karen blinked on the small screen as it rang and all he could do was look at it. The sickening pit in his stomach confirmed that he really shouldn’t have been there. Before he had left to get the coffees he left a note on her vanity mirror that said he just ran out for bagels and that he’d meet her at work.

He put the phone back in his pocket as it was on it’s final ring and tried to remember if he had even put I love you at the end of the note. He honestly couldn’t remember but the terrible sourness of his stomach told him a lot of things.
~*~*~*~


Pam walked into the office with Jim straying behind. She figured he hadn’t told Karen where he had been this morning. Hell, he probably didn’t even mention where he was after work yesterday. She sat down and watched Jim approach Karen’s desk and handed her a bagel.

She took it from him and looked almost surprised. Pam smiled; Jim was good at covering up his messes.

“Sorry I left early this morning.” She heard Jim say but she couldn’t hear the rest on the account of Dwight shredding papers behind her. She guessed it was something good because Karen was smiling after Jim left to sit back down at his desk. Suddenly the sickening of her stomach was not the half a bottle of red wine she had last night.

“Good morning Pam!” Michael came in and smacked his hands rudely on the counter.

“Hi Michael.” Why couldn’t her birthday be on a leap year?

“I hear its someone’s birthday! Do you know where were taking you today?”

She begged for him to tell her it was someplace with a working bar.

“Chuck E. Cheeses!” he replied using one of his obnoxious voices.

“Yes!” Dwight suddenly exclaimed in back of her.

Michael left to go into his office with Dwight behind him and yelled out. “We leave in twenty minutes!”

Everyone in the office groaned and Jim got up and approached the counter.

He took a few jelly beans from the dispenser. “Huh, I wonder who could have planned that.” He said nonchalantly and then smiled.

Pam smiled and shook her head. “I hate you.”

He nodded. “That may be true, but the big purplish rat named Chuck loves you. Who could ask for more?”
~*~*~*


When everyone piled into the designated birthday room at Chuck E. Cheeses, Jim tried to stay as near to Karen as humanly possible. All he would need was for her to get mad at him for another reason and it ruin Pam’s birthday. He watched as Dwight went up to the counter and ask for laser tag team uniforms and Pam rolled her eyes. Not that the people here couldn’t ruin her birthday already.

Michael stood up on a chair and started to announce something. “Alright, listen up! It is now 10:05, you have two hours to play games or play laser tag with Dwight—“

Dwight suddenly screamed red and blue team names and Michael rolled his eyes like everyone else.

“Not that anyone wants to play with Dwight. Anyways, two hours and then everyone report back here for the birthday cake! It’s mint chocolate chip, I expect everyone to be back here!”

“Up for a few rounds of laser tag with Dwight and his imaginary friends?” Karen asked smiling and taking his hand.

Jim couldn’t help but glance at Pam. She was now sitting near the ball pit and was watching all the kids jumping around in it. “Um… yeah, maybe in a few minutes? Why don’t you go set us up with Commander Dwight over there?”

She nodded and headed over to Dwight who was eagerly waiting for people to approach him.

Jim went over and sat next to Pam. “Who brings their kids to Chuck E. Cheeses at 10 in the morning?”

“The same people who drag there employees to Chuck E. Cheeses.” She replied.

“Mentally unstable people?” Jim asked cracking a smile.

She nodded letting out a giggle. Her smile faded for a moment and she turned to look at him. “Jim, when are we going to talk about it?”

“About what?” he asked. Shouldn’t have said that; he knew exactly what she was talking about.

“You know what I’m talking about.”

He almost smiled that she could read his mind like that. “Yeah I know, I just…I don’t know how I—” He shook his head and a question formed in his mouth. It slipped off his tongue before he could stop it. “Why did you do it?”

Pam’s eyes went wide for a moment. “Um, I thought the reason was pretty clear.”

“I mean everything was fine between us and you had to—” he let out a frustrated sigh. “Complicate it.”

“Jim look at us, since when has this ever been anything but complicated?”

Jim looked down and shrugged. “I…don’t know. Can we just—talk about this later?”

Pam nodded hastily and stood. “Sure, it’s not like it was a big deal or anything right? It was just a kiss.”

It wasn’t just a kiss to him and he figured she knew that. “You know that’s not true.”

Why was he doing this now? On her birthday of all days. She should have been happy on her birthday and he was just giving her a reason not to be.

“I don’t even think you know what’s true anymore Jim. It all sounds the same half the time.”

She shook her head and Jim watched her walk away. He suddenly wanted to play laser tag; he needed something to aim at.
~*~*~


Pam scrubbed underneath her eyes and put her hands under the warm water of the bathroom sink. She splashed the water on her face and took a paper towel; it felt like sandpaper on her hands. She wanted to go home and read the back of the wine bottle she’d downed last night. Was the extra side affects of alcohol to have sudden bursts of courage like that?

She swore she’d never said that much about her feelings like that before. Was this fancy new Beesley she’d been trying to create finally coming around? She shook her head and swallowed the last bit of courage she thought she had.

It wouldn’t do her any good.

As she came out of the bathroom she clipped her shoulder with Jim. They stood there for a moment and just looked at one another. This is what their friendship had boiled down to; blank stares and lies to cover up what was already known.

“Look Jim—” she stopped realizing she had cut him off. “Oh, go head.”

He shook his head. “No, you first.”

She nodded. “Look I’m sorry about what I said before. About…everything, I just don’t like being in a fight with you.”

He shook his head and let out a slight laugh. “Yeah, it wasn’t my favorite part either.”

“Where’s Karen?”

“She left and I’m just gonna meet her for dinner later. She’s not one for laser tag or overgrown rats named Chuck.”

“That’s too bad.” Pam mused. She knew she shouldn’t be feeling this way. She shouldn’t be happy that Karen left or that she basically had Jim all to herself, but she was. And she realized that if she was still like this after so much time, it wouldn’t change.
~*~*~

Jim walked through Chuck E. Cheeses with Pam, basically just observing everyone else. This is what he loved most about being with her; that they could just be in total silence and it wouldn’t be awkward. He knew they had to talk about what happened eventually but for now they were just walking around and enjoying time and Jim was all for avoiding that conversation again.

The game rooms were pretty crowded with parents and children running around every which way. Every so often Pam would hit into him because she was trying to avoid charging children running to a new game. At one point when she shifted to the side she tripped over the carpet and had to grab his hand for support. It was the longest thirty-seven seconds of his life. It felt eternities longer than the Booze Cruise silence and he hoped she was holding on longer than she had too.

“You ok?” he asked trying to make his voice sound normal and casual.

“Oh yeah, sorry.” And with that she dropped his hand.

He wished he would have just kept his mouth shut, maybe if he would have Pam would have kept holding his hand. It was unlikely but those thirty-seven seconds were way too long for anything to be meaningless.

“Hey how many tokens do you have left?” Jim asked her suddenly.

He waited until she fished them out of her pocket and handed them over to him.

Jim scoffed. “I’m disappointed in you Beesley. How do you still have all your tokens left?”

She gasped, “I was waiting in line to get a picture with Chuck E. Cheese that I totally forgot I had games to play!”

Jim grinned and indicated the air hockey table with his head. “Wanna play a few rounds?”

Now it was Pam’s turn to grin. “Sure, as long as you’re ok with losing.”

“You’re on.”
~*~*~*

Pam took her side of the hockey table and waited for Jim to put the coins in to start the game. She’d hadn’t played air hockey since she was twelve years old but she wasn’t about to tell Jim that. After all, she was hell bent on winning.

“If I win you have to buy me a bear with your tickets.”

Jim nodded. “Fine but if I win you’re going swimming in the ball pit.”

She grinned as she put the puck on the table. She gave it a firm push which seemed to surprise him and she scored. “If you let me win Halpert I’m pushing you in the ball pit.”

Jim leaned over the table and kept pushing the puck away from scoring again in the slot. “Yeah, right. Like you could ever get enough leverage to push me anywhere. And I’d never let you win.”

He gave a little head tilt which made her smile with distraction. He hurriedly pushed it into her own slot.

She made a face at him. “Stop distracting me! That’s cheating.” Although with Jim, it was always hard to concentrate.

Jim laughed. “I am not a distraction. Just admit you’re not as talented as I am and--”

As Jim was talking Pam made a shot at his slot and scored for the second time. Jim looked down confused and scoffed when he realized she’d just done it again.

He flipped the puck back on the table and shook his head.

“Not so cocky now are you Halpert?” Pam grinned.

“You’re only one point ahead of me, give it time. You’ll be swimming in that ball pit before you know it.”

But after ten minutes of playing Pam was up to 20 points and Jim had only made it to 10.

“Ok, I suck.” Jim admitted, grabbing the tickets and joining Pam to walk back to the party room.

“Yeah, by a whole ten points.” She smiled. “You owe me a bear!”

Before she realized what she was doing she grabbed his forearm and held it, dragging him to the prize counter. She kept wondering if it had any effect on him but she guessed it didn’t. Maybe he was immune to it by now; after all he was with Karen.

~*~*~
When she grabbed his arm all Jim could do was look at her pulling him. He didn’t know why there was so much electricity when she touched him. She wasn’t even directly touching his skin. But he could feel her blood pulsate through her body through his shirt and all the way to his bone when she touched him. The feeling was oddly amazing and it heated him to his core.

“I’ll take the blue one.” She said suddenly and it shook him out of his thoughts.

He handed the person who worked there the tickets and they handed him the bear. Before he could give it to her Dwight appeared before them and told them that it was now two hours past and they needed to report to the party room for cake.

Pam rolled her eyes and let go of his arm. “Come on, let’s get this over with.”

She completely forgot about her bear.

~*~*~

“Happy birthday dear Pamalaaaaa, happy birthday to you!” Michael sang. Well Pam wasn’t exactly sure if that was singing or not but at least he didn’t try to sing opera this time.

After the cake Pam got an assortment of gifts, although she could have done fine without the inappropriate Victoria Secrets gift card from Michael. She thanked Angela for the bath oils and Toby for the cute birthday drawing from his daughter.

As everyone got ready to leave, Pam headed out to her car and Jim caught her before she got in.

“Hey, don’t forget you’re bear.” He said handing it to her.

“Oh, right can’t forget about my victory bear.”

He rolled his eyes. “Just take the bear Pam before a rematch is stated.”

Pam took it from him and clutched it close to her chest. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

He smiled. “Yes you will, happy birthday.”

As he turned to leave Pam’s heart fell. She thought out of everyone she would have received a present from Jim. But she guessed after everything, they weren’t exactly where they had been before.

When she turned to get in her car she saw something sparkle on the back of the bear. She scrunched her eyebrows in confusion and pulled the bear away from her chest. There was a silver chain around its neck leading down to a heart pendant. She carefully pulled the necklace off the bear and played with it between her fingers.

Pam smiled as she turned the heart over to see an inscription.

“Sometimes it takes a while for the heart to realize what it’s wanted all along.”

It started out like any other day. Wake up, get a shower, detangle hangers to get clothes out of the closet, look in the mirror, think about Jim, put on makeup, put on a necklace—

Pam stopped in mid reach for her necklace and glanced at the bear sitting on her dresser. Everyday was the same routine for her. This meant everyday she wore the necklace Roy had gotten her when they first got engaged. She used to wear it because it symbolized them and their love and commitment. But after a while, she just wore it because it was a habit; something to twist around in her fingers when she dazed off.

But as she looked at the bear, which at the moment symbolized Jim, she wondered if wearing a new necklace would break her routine. She picked up the necklace and placed it around her neck and glanced at herself in the mirror. The chain was cold around her neck and the pedant hung loosely just below her collar bone.

She placed her hand over the heart and ran her fingers over the engraving. Heart to realize…wanted all along. What did that even mean anyways? That Jim knew he was in love with her all that time and couldn’t say anything? That being with Karen meant nothing?

Pam shook her head while taking off the necklace. She put it on the bear and grabbed her coat to head out the door. If Jim’s heart wanted to tell her something, he’d have to do it himself. He couldn’t just hide behind an engraving forever.
~*~*~

Jim turned side to side in his chair against his desk. He saw Karen smile at him and he couldn’t help but pretend he was just fooling around to look at her. But really he kept wondering where the hell Pam was. She wasn’t too late, but as he looked at his watch ten minutes was turning into twenty. He turned to the left and stopped short when he realized Karen was out of her seat and sitting on his desk.

“Hey Karen.” He said surprised. Should have toned it down a bit though, it sounded like he hadn’t realized she was on the same planet let alone the same room.

“Listen Jim I don’t know what exactly is going on between us but we need to talk.”

She sounded serious and surprise, angry. Jim shook his head; he thought everything had been alright through dinner last night. But I guess some things are just unpredictable.

“Ok, what’s wrong?” he asked.

“You don’t know what today is do you?”

He ran through possibilities in his head. He came up with Wednesday, May 18th and the day after Pam’s birthday. But none of them sounded good enough to tell Karen. “I don’t know.” When she gave an angry sigh his mouth squeaked out Wednesday.

“Wednesday?” she asked incredulously. “Jim, it’s our seven month anniversary! I mean I was giving you all morning to say something but you forgot didn’t you?”

He rubbed his temples with his hands and let out a sigh. He had forgotten about that; about them. All he could think of was Pam and if she liked her gift or not. He glanced at reception; and when the hell she was coming into work. But honestly, that’s all he wanted to care about. He felt like he was back on the Booze Cruise breaking up with Katy, that’s how much he didn’t care about the situation. But as he looked up at Karen and saw her lip quivering, he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

The words he had told Katy had vanished from his tongue. “Karen I’m sorry.” He was honest about that too, which kind of surprised him.

She took off in the other direction. “Just leave me alone Jim.”

He tried convincing himself that that conversation didn’t mean anything; but the throbbing headache told him differently.
~*~*~*

Pam came in and set her bag down and hung up her coat. As soon as she turned on her computer and opened a few files she went over to talk with Jim. She approached him and realized he didn’t look too good. His elbows were perched on his desk and he had his head in his hands and was rubbing his temples.

“Hey Jim.” She said softly. “Are you ok?”

He glanced up at her and nodded. “Yeah, it’s just a headache.”

She wanted to ask if it was Karen induced but steered clear of anything that would ruin what she was about to say. “I really loved my necklace.”

She tried to ignore the fact that he seemed really distracted. She saw him glance through the break room door at the bathrooms and realized Karen wasn’t at her desk.

Her heart rose and fell all at the same time. “Jim is everything ok?”

“I got into another fight with Karen. I didn’t remember this was our seventh month anniversary.” He said quietly.

Pam felt a sickening pang in her stomach and placed a hand on the edge of his desk. This isn’t what she wanted to talk about but looking down at him she couldn’t resist when she realized he was pretty upset.

She sighed. “And let me guess, you feel like an ass because you forgot and you’re trying to figure out why you didn’t remember. And you’re trying to convince yourself that forgetting about it didn’t mean anything. Although, you’re pretty sure it does.”

Jim stood suddenly and Pam realized he was close enough that she could feel the heat of his skin and the shakiness of his breathing. “How do you always do that?”

“Do what?” she asked. She dug her hand into the side of his desk at risk of falling over.

“Say what I’m feeling before I even know I’m feeling it.”

Really? She could do that? The last part wasn’t even directed to him, she was just rambling and what she felt came out in the end.

“Maybe you do know but you’re just confused.” Damn and so was she. Was she talking about being confused how he felt about Karen or herself?

He couldn’t just say it could he? Those three little words he said so easily before obviously came with an expiration date.

“Do you…love her?” she asked again. Her heartbeat was erratic and she felt like she was tail spinning out of control.
~*~*~*

Jim had only been sure of one thing. Ever since he met Pam he was confused. It was like when she came near him all his brain cells died and he couldn’t make sense of anything anymore. So when she said he was ‘maybe confused’ he almost burst out laughing and told her that’s all he’d ever been.

But when she asked him again if he loved Karen he thought his heart stopped. He couldn’t bring himself to say anything. Was this what a heart attack felt like?

“I’m in love…with—” Jim broke off and stared at her expectant face. He blamed Pam; he realized always did. After he said he loved her once before, two bigger words always flashed in his head before he could say anything.

Jim grabbed her wrist and guided her outside near the stairs entrance. When he got there he felt the sudden urge to pace and tried to ignore it.

“Here’s the thing, I was in love with you for so long that I didn’t know how to do anything else.”

Jim realized instead of pacing he was now backing her into a corner. But he felt good about it, maybe if she ended up against a wall she couldn’t back out from feeling what she should and cowering away from it.

“And then you said you couldn’t and I left thinking I’d never get over that. But the thing is I did. I met Karen and I got over you. So when I came back I thought I was ready but I wasn’t. And I don’t know what the hell it is that you do, but every time I see you I fall right back in love with you.”

He was close enough to touch her now and he did. He was already skin deep in words; touching her wouldn’t be much of a difference. He moved his hand along the side of her face and his other hand stroked the ends of her hair.

“And suddenly I’m right back where I was.” He shook his head. “I’m in love with you.”
~*~*~*

When Jim touched her she felt like she was melting and freezing all at the same time. It was just like her to have conflicting emotions, so it came naturally that her body would be confused about what it felt too. When he grazed along the side of Pam’s face his hand felt like ice but it was odd how her skin kept boiling.

“I’m in love with you.” Was the next thing that registered in his head and it took all her energy from just kissing him. She felt her hands jerk the end of his tie and then before she knew it he had lifted her up into his arms and was pushing her through the stairs doorway.

After that she couldn’t contain herself and she pushed herself into him as he backed her against a wall. Their lips connected and she felt his hands going through her hair since her weight was suspended between him and the wall. All the passion that had been left unfelt was suddenly pouring out them and she felt herself being unable to breathe between kisses. But that didn’t stop her, after all this time it felt good to just be with him. She snaked her own hand around his neck and pulled his face closer to turn the kisses deeper and harsher.

And suddenly everything stopped. Because when Pam opened her eyes she saw Jim starting to put her down and back away.
~*~*~

“Pam…” he said softly. What could he say to her? That he hadn’t really meant all of what he had just said? Or that touching her hadn’t been the thing that he’s wanted for so long? “I um…lets just back up for a minute.”

“You’re walking away again aren’t you?” she asked quietly, her eyes falling to the floor.

He wanted to know how in the hell she did that. How did she know what the hell he was feeling all the time?

“I just feel like this isn’t right. I’m taking advantage of what you’re feeling.” Great, now he no longer knew what he was talking about.

Her voice was thick with tears. “Maybe I should decide what I’m feeling before you go conclusion jumping.” He knew she was angry he seemed to assume things all the time.

“I just think I need to fix things for this to work.”

He watched as she nodded and as tears began to pool down from her eyes. Why was she crying? Wasn’t it good that he would fix things and they could be together? Maybe he was saying everything wrong.

“Look at me.” He said.

When she looked up, Jim walked towards her and pressed her gently against the wall again. He took her head in his hands and kissed her passionately once more. As he felt her lips move along with his he tasted the sweet saltiness of her tears leaking through their lips and onto his tongue.

But just as quickly as he had kissed her, he pulled away and left the stairwell. As he leaned against the door he could still feel Pam on the other side. How many doors needed to be between them before things were set straight?

Jim wasn’t confused anymore; things hadn’t been this clear in a long time. He knew what he needed to do, but he didn’t know how he should handle it. One thing was certain; he couldn’t just ignore this anymore. Ignoring bliss tended to come with dire consequences.

“I’ll see you at my place?” Jim could hear Karen ask him a question. And he knew the answer was somewhere close, but he couldn’t seem to reach it.

When she touched his hand he snapped his head to look at her. “What?”

“I said after work are you coming to my place?”

Is this really what they did all the time? Just ignore the minor shifting of emotions and going to one another’s for dinner?

“I’m making chicken with a side of carrots…” She was trailing off, which was okay since he wasn’t even listening completely. Who was kidding? He wished he could pretend that he hadn’t been listening. Because if he didn’t hear her, her voice wouldn’t penetrate his skin and leave grief in its wake.

“Carrots?” Jim said softly. He was loosing his footing with his words. He couldn’t concentrate anymore on what he had to do. He’d never really broken up with anyone before except Katy. But he never really felt anything for her; she had always been just a rebound.

“Which don’t get me wrong is a real great distraction. But when its over you’re left thinking about the girl you really love…the one that broke your heart…”

But then again so was Karen. He realized that from the moment those words had left his mouth; that’s all anyone ever was.

“Yeah, I know you liked those sweet carrots I made the last time. And I’ll make salad too.”

Like carrots would fix anything. She was grasping at straws and he could feel her helplessness.

He nodded. “Yeah, I do like those carrots.” He tried giving her a smile but it felt twisted.

He needed to go over her house for the dinner because she deserved his respect even though he didn’t deserve hers. After all, all he’d done was basically hide behind her because he was too scared to face Pam head on. So he’d head to her house and maybe help her prepare the salad and wait as long as he could before ruining what she thought was ok.

This for some reason, felt all too familiar.

~*~*~

Jim arrived at Karen’s an hour before he was supposed to and hesitated at the door. Maybe he could just turn around and forget about this whole entire thing; after all he was supposed to head to Pam’s after this. But his escape route went to no avail when Karen suddenly opened the door.

“Jim, you’re here early. I was just grabbing my mail.” She looked beautiful and he couldn’t deny that. Her eyes were shining, her lips were red with glossy lipstick and her hair was up in a clip leaving her bangs to frame her face. It just made what he had to do a whole lot harder.

“At seven at night?” Jim asked. He wasn’t snapping was he? He was so twisted around and turned about that he had no idea what his tone of voice was anymore.

“Yeah, I usually forget to get it in the mornings. Come on in.” She held the door open for him and he shut it behind him. He remembered how he used to grab the mail every morning he’d woken up there, and how he’d never end up doing it again.

Karen always liked to be organized when she did things and as Jim looked around her apartment, that’s exactly how things were. There was not a plate out of place. And that’s when Jim’s stomach started to churn and he didn’t think he’d be able to fake it through dinner. She’d lit candles and the mood around her dining room had been set to romantic. He wondered if he could somehow turn it back to casual without her noticing.

He walked into the kitchen and watched her move vegetables about in preparation of making the salad. He tried looking around for any type of box that resembled a present; an anniversary present. His eyes didn’t lock down on anything and he couldn’t tell whether he was more relieved or sickened by that fact. He wondered if she noticed he had walked in empty handed, hell he hadn’t even remembered to bring her flowers.

“You want to help?” she gestured to the carrots. He hesitated but made his way over to the kitchen island and sat down on one of the stools. He grabbed the potato peeler and started grazing it against the carrots until smaller shards fell into the salad bowl. He felt like that motion was what he doing to Karen; just slowly peeling away at her until the pieces fell.

“So do you still wanna talk?” One shard fell into the bowl.

She shook her head. “No, not so much anymore.”

Two shards of carrot fell. “Aren’t we having cooked carrots too?”

“Yeah, they’re in the microwave.”

There was just too many carrots in the world all of a sudden. “Don’t you think it’s a little much to have carrots as a side and in the salad?”

She took the potato peeler away from him. “If you don’t want to help just say so.” She said upset then added quietly. “Besides its only pieces.”

Pieces of her or pieces of carrot? “I think we should talk.”

“There’s nothing to say, we fixed everything. Ergo; you being here for our anniversary dinner.” She just kept cutting away at the cucumbers and now took Jim’s job of the carrots.

Even though she wasn’t looking at him he stared at her with sympathy. He kept trying to tell himself that all those things with Pam hadn’t really happened. That they were just twisted daydreams at his desk like he had every other day. Daydreams weren’t real and if he told Karen what he really wanted to say he wouldn’t be able to take it back, not this time. Maybe he just needed to shut up before he caused problems for himself.

Although her denying inevitable things did not make them true. “Karen, you know we didn’t fix everything. It kind of just smoothed over, like it always does.”

She stopped chopping then and sighed shakily. “Right like it always does, which means we’re fine.”

“We never talked about it. We never talk about any of the fights we have.” He almost sounded like he was accusing her. Like maybe if they had talked about it everything would’ve been alright.

“What about it? You forgot our anniversary and now you’re here. That’s all we need to focus on.” She started in on the salad again and Jim gently grabbed her hand.

“Karen, stop. Just look at me.”

When she did she pulled her hand away from his and rubbed underneath her eyes. “Jim just—what’re you doing?”

That’s the thing, he wasn’t doing anything. After she asked him he couldn’t bring himself to say it. How much longer did he need before he could just tell her? After all putting it off was worse for her than for him.

He got up from the stool and that’s when he heard her say it. “What did you say?” he asked. Please tell him it was anything then what he thought it was.

She raised her head and flipped the bangs out of her face. “I said I love you.”

If Jim could have looked anymore surprised he would have. He realized that that was her last straw; it was her last attempt of trying to get through to him.

“Um I…can’t?” He couldn’t believe he just told her that in a question. As the words hung in the air it felt all too familiar; like those words had broken his heart once before just like he was breaking hers.

He could barely say he was sorry after she started crying. He tried to come around the counter to at least hug her but Karen wouldn’t let him get within three inches of her. She told him to get out she almost threw the head of lettuce at his head. Her tears poured from her face and fell into the bowl; the salad was ruined.

~*~*~

Pam heard three quick knocks at her door. She was watching TV with a bag of popcorn and she honestly didn’t want to get up. Jim was an hour later than he said he was going to be but maybe it was just traffic. Although the deep pang in her stomach told her it wasn’t. Maybe something had happened with Karen and he hadn’t broken it off like he said he was going too.

As she got up to answer the door she felt horrible for thinking that. She regretted being so incentive about Karen and the whole situation. She knew what it felt like to lose a relationship before it ever really started.

A fourth knock came, louder than the others. “Ok, ok I’m coming.”

Opening the door a drunken Jim staggered in, instantly gathering Pam into his arms. He squeezed her tightly and Pam was forced to inhale a combination of stale beer and cigarette smoke.

“Jim? Are you ok?” she was kind of worried. She’d never really seen him this upset before. He was nuzzling into her neck and he wrapped his arms around her tighter as Pam lightly brought her arms to hang around his waist.

“I’m so glad you’re here.” He slurred.

Pam smiled. “Ok Jim, did you make friends with a bar tender again? They gave you drinks even though they knew you were fully wasted didn’t they?”

He pulled away and smiled goofily. “I have a lot of Halpert charm.”

She couldn’t help but smirk and she tapped his nose with her finger. “Yes you do, come on let’s get you to the couch.”

He kept mumbling things as she shut the door and guided him to the couch. She sat next to his slouching form and when she did he brought his legs up on the couch and laid his head down on her lap.

She smiled. “Here let me get a pillow.”

She lifted his head and placed a pillow on her lap. Jim shifted a few times then laid back down and rubbed his face against the pillow.

“I think you’re as softy as a pillow.”

Pam giggled. “Well spoken Halpert, get some rest we can talk in the morning.”

“I just had one or two drinks…and that’s only because I felt like such an ass after I left Karen’s. Not that I regretted it…I just—you should have seen her face Pam.” She could tell he was upset when his voice went lower at the end of his sentence.

Pam stroked his hair and let it slide between her fingers. “Shhh, get some sleep. We can talk about it tomorrow.”

“I did it for you.” He said sleepily. “It’s always for you.”

She kept stroking his hair until he fell asleep and leaned her head back on the couch. As she looked at the ceiling and occasionally ran her hand along Jim’s face, she realized every little thing she did was always for him too.

Pam watched as Jim started to stir on the couch and sat in the loveseat across from him. She set her coffee on the glass table in front of her and waited. Although she didn’t honestly know what to expect. Jim just broke up with Karen so would he want to start slow? Take a break? Or maybe picked up where they left off? And she was including the wonderful stairs make out session. With Jim, everything like that was wonderful, all he had to do was touch her and she felt like she knew bliss personally. Like the word was some special friend of hers and it only showed itself when Jim was near. She liked bliss; it was something that reminded her of how important Jim was.

Jim sat up groggily and shook his head. Pam smiled bringing him over a cup of coffee. She set it on the counter and sat on the arm of the couch. “Morning.”

Jim groaned and rubbed his head. “Can you turn off the lights?” And then he buried his head in the couch.

Pam smiled. “First of all, it’s ten AM which means the thing you cleverly call lights is the sunlight coming through the window.”

“Can we turn off the sun then?” It took him a moment to sit up all the way and she handed him the cup. He took a long sip. “Did you say ten AM? Where does the day go?”

“Second of all, I guess it’s a little hard to keep track of time when you’re busy sleeping off a bender…Meredith.” She accused.

“Easy, I had two drinks.”

Pam rolled her eyes. “So you keep saying.”

“Can I get some aspirin by chance?” He asked rubbing his temples.

“I’m tempted to let you suffer.” She smirked when he raised his eyebrows at her.

He put down the coffee cup when she did and slowly inched towards her. “Oh you are, are you?”

She nodded slowly until suddenly he grabbed her by the waist and pulled her down onto the couch with him. She squealed when she landed on his soft body and blushed when she realized they were face to face. He softly brushed his lips with hers and leaned in to kiss her on the mouth. She felt bliss making a visit again.

When she was too heated to go on, because they’d never have that talk if they did, she sat up a little. “Are we still going to talk?”

He smiled and pulled her back down on him and kissed her again. “As you know, I like to lead from example.”

She sat up. “Come on, I’m serious. What happened with Karen last night? You seemed pretty upset.”

He sat up too and let out a long sigh. She still could see that what happened upset him. “Yeah, I mean, I really hurt her Pam. You should have seen the look on her face when I talked to her. It’s like—” He shook his head and looked down.

“The night when I had told you I couldn’t.” She whispered finishing his thought exactly.
~*~*~

Jim nodded solemnly. He thought that was the only time in his life when he’d ever feel so upset, so lost and angry. He never wanted to bring that on someone else. He could literally hear Karen’s heart break last night because he knew what to listen for. He knew what one sounded like because Pam had broken his once upon a time.

“Yeah and I just—I mean you know I wanted to do it right? I- I wanted to be with you.” He tried reassuring her because when he looked up at her again she looked like she was about to cry.

She nodded. “I just feel horrible that I put you through—”

Jim grabbed her hand gently and ran his thumbs over her knuckles. “I think we both know it was worth it.”

Pam sighed and rubbed his hands in return. He let one of his arms drift around her shoulders and pull her close to him. “You’re not happy I did this?”

That was really all he would need. For the girl he loved, he always loved, to say to him that this isn’t what she wanted. If she said that he’d be done; forever and always. No matter where the road took him or who he came into contact with.

Pam shook her head repeatedly and rested her head in-between his shoulder and the crook of his arm. “No, it’s just are you sure you made the right decision?”

He wondered if she was actually serious she asked that. He almost felt like making a joke at her expense. He shook his head and brought his lips close to her forehead. “I’m yours Pam Beesley, always.”

~*~*~

Always? Didn’t that usually mean forever? They we’re human, they didn’t have forever. Pam brought her lips to meet Jim and kissed him as long as she could without breathing. The problem was the difference from her passing out from lack of oxygen and passing out for Jim in general was hard to decipher. But she didn’t care, she’d kiss him even if that meant going into a coma for it.

She felt him raise her onto his lap and she continued to assault him with her lips. His hands traveled everywhere within a matter of seconds, forever wasn’t too far away.

Bliss took a permanent seat on the couch next to them. She could feel its closeness filling her veins. It was like a drug, and Jim was something you defiantly didn’t want to stop taking.

Bliss- complete and perfect happiness