He heard the wedding was nice.  

The bride cried. The groom grabbed her ass during the first kiss, giving a proud thumbs up to his cat calling groomsmen. The bride cried harder. Kevin’s band was a hit. At last word, no honeymoon had been planned. 

Or so he’d heard. 

Jim hadn’t seen Pam in nearly six months. Not since that night. When he told her he loved her. When he kissed her. When she kissed him back.  

When she walked away anyway. 

It wasn’t as though he’d meant to do it. When he’d left Jan, her words rang in his ears. Have you told anyone? Maybe you should. As he slowly ambled back toward the party, his intentions were to tell Michael, tell Phyllis, tell Toby, tell the ones who mattered that he was thinking of transferring to Stamford. Maybe one of them would give him a reason to stay. 

He had his reasons outlined. He needed a change. He needed a challenge. He needed to grow up and take life seriously. 

As long as he veered the conversation away from ‘because I'm in love with Pam’, he thought he may be okay. 

But he’d stumbled across her in the parking lot, in her blue dress and her bright eyes and her playful smile. And he just loved her.  He was so in love with her, it hurt.

And he was so tired of hurting. 

He realized it was selfish of him to lay everything on her on that night, on a night when she was the happiest he’d ever seen her. But he couldn’t leave without letting her know. He couldn’t leave without her knowing how it could be if only she’d give him a chance. 

His words used to haunt him at night while he tossed and turned in bed, alone and lonely. 

Her stricken features still did. 

He didn’t know what possessed him to go back for more. Maybe it was the way her eyes widened at his admission, not so much in surprise at his feelings, but out of panic that he was finally putting it out there between them.  

Maybe it was in the soft, pained way she’d whispered I can’t, rather than I don’t. 

Or maybe he just wasn’t finished offering her his heart only to have her reluctantly crush it beneath her delicate new heels. 

Her mouth was soft against his and she tasted like raspberry. She tensed under his gentle grip for just a moment, taken by surprise by his kiss. He just squeezed his eyes shut and held on, feeling a strange sense of calm run over him when her arms slowly circled his neck and her fingers danced lightly in his hair. 

It had been the first time he let himself hope, those few seconds with her lips responding and her body pressing and their heavy breathing taking up the empty room. Then she pulled away and stared at him with an expression of curiosity and open desire – desperately masked with fear.  

Fear of what it all could mean. 

As it turned out, it hadn’t meant much. 

Because now, she was a married woman and he was in another state with a new job, new challenges, new co-workers, a new life. 

He sits in the back of the new office, near a window. He stares out the smooth, cold panes often and just thinks. Then he works, even if he has nothing to do, so he can stop thinking. Nothing would make him happier than to be able to stare blankly out of a window, to play free cell solitaire, to eat jelly beans, to breathe in and out, and not think of Pam. 

Of the way her fingers shook against his chest as she pushed him away. Of the tears in her eyes as she gazed up at him with such regret. Of the way she didn’t want to hurt him but she just…couldn’t. Of the way he just let her go because there was nothing else left to say. 

He’d put it all on the line and all he had to show for it was an email in his inbox that he couldn’t quite force himself to delete. It was dated June 12th, from Phyllis. Sweet, kind Phyllis. 

He could practically see her darting eyes and hear her soft voice, not wanting to cause him any pain, but thinking maybe he’d want to know. 

The wedding was nice. 

*** 

Her wedding had been nice. 

That was the main compliment she’d been given after her long-awaited nuptials. She would smile politely, say thank you, and then die a little more inside. 

Sunsets were nice. Getting paid on Thursdays is nice. Angela’s cats are nice.   

Weddings were supposed to be beautiful. Joyous. Magical. Unforgettable. The happiest day of her life. 

But nice…just about covered it. 

After waiting close to ten years to finally make it official, Pam had thought marrying her high school sweetheart, her first kiss, her first love, would be like a sigh of relief. That all those years hadn’t been wasted. That it had all been worth it, all the doubts, all the second guessing, all the unfulfilled, unsupported dreams, all the sleepless nights wondering if there was more out there. 

She wanted to be able to look into his eyes, hold his hands, say her vows, kiss him for the first time as his wife – and just know. 

But she couldn’t. And if she were honest with herself, just this once, she knew that she had no one to blame but herself. 

The phone rang beside her and she reached for it on autopilot, never taking her eyes off of the empty chair ten feet in front of her.  “Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. I’ll transfer you.” 

Sometimes, if she stared long enough, she could somehow conjure him up before eyes. He’d be looking blankly ahead but then he’d turn and flash his signature lopsided grin. His eyes would magically start to sparkle, a dramatic shift from the usual dead-eyed gaze of boredom he usually sported around the office. 

The images were a cruel joke her subconscious liked to pull on her at random moments. And it made her ache. In her gut, in her heart. Jim was gone and she missed him. It was all she would allow herself to feel in his absence.  

His absence. She couldn’t even admit that he was never coming back.  

After all, she was the expert in denial. 

 It wasn’t that she didn’t love her husband. She did. After all the things they’d shared together, it was probably the only thing she was sure of. In fact, she was certain that she would always love Roy. It was so ingrained in her. 

After she had left Jim that night, her denial rapidly shifted to anger. It made it so much easier to deal with the way his eyes penetrated right through her. How dare he make her doubt herself? Doubt everything she’d built her life on since she was a gawky 16 year old madly in love with the high school quarterback.  

She had gone home that night, with the feel of Jim’s mouth still burning hers, and woken Roy. His hair was rumpled, his cheeks tattooed with red lines, and his eyes bleary with sleep. Seeing him that way made her suffocate in her guilt. He looked like a confused child, so innocent. 

This was Roy. Her Roy. He represented everything she knew to be true in her life. Her safe choices. Her safe life. Her safe love. 

She had climbed into bed and kissed him in a way that took him by surprise. Her dress ended up in a crumpled heap somewhere under the covers. She closed her eyes tight and touched him, needing this for just one night.  

His chest was smooth and firm, his touch was gentle, his hair soft and long enough to wrap her fingers through. She tasted peppermint on his tongue rather than beer and morning breath. There was soft whispers of love because no matter how many times he told her, it would never be enough.  

She made herself a promise that she would never do it again. She just had to know.  

Just once.  

She didn’t sleep that night. Roy had rolled over and went back to sleep, not hearing her quiet cries.  The tears trickled out of her eyes, slowly at first. Then without abandon.

For every memory of reading palms and air high fives and unspoken conversations and fabric softener and From the Mixed up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler, there were responsibilities and obligations and years of history.  

She was going to be picking up her wedding dress with his mother that next day. Her wedding shower was that weekend. His sister was pregnant and she was going to be an aunt. Her father had already bought Roy a ticket to the season opener of the Eagles game. 

They were getting married in three weeks. She couldn’t possibly. She didn’t even know how she could. It just was what it was.  

And no amount of grilled cheese sandwiches and fireworks and swaying, no amount of yearbook pictures and teal teapots, no amount of stolen kisses in the dark that make her toes curl and her heart race and her stomach drop and her skin flush… 

No. This was her life. And she was happy. She was. 

She had a husband who loved her. Who came home every night, who made an honest living, who fixed things around their house, who would never ever leave her.

Jim was gone now. He left without saying goodbye. And as much as it hurt, he probably wasn't going to come back. 

She would just have to get used to having a hole in her heart when she looked at his empty chair. When she rode the elevator by herself. When she overheard Angela and Dwight discussing their favorite desserts with such obvious undertones it made her skin crawl. When she breathed in and out. 

Because this was her life now.  

And it was nice.

“Pam! Pam!”

She inwardly groaned but forced on a blank expression on her face. Michael always became more unbearable than normal before the holidays. He came in bursting with energy, new nicknames, and a short fuse for anyone who dared to burst his bubble of holiday spirit.

“Or…Mrs. Anderson, if you’re nasty.” Michael giggled. “Get it, Pam? Like Pam Anderson, the Babewatch babe?” He cast a knowing glance at the camera and cupped his hands over imaginary breasts. Imaginary large breasts.

“I get it, Michael.”

Michael deflated instantly at her unenthused demeanor. “I don’t think you do,” he said with a nervous laugh. “But that’s okay. You don’t have to be the smartest bulb in the office. Just the hottest. Right Kev?”

She didn’t have to look at Kevin to know he was nodding in solemn agreement. Her eyes automatically shifted to where Jim should have been so they could commiserate privately over their bosses obnoxious antics with only a shared look.

She could practically hear the cameras zooming in on her saddened features as Michael began to run in slo-mo toward his office, shaking his non-existent strands of hair behind him while laughing hysterically.

“Did you want something, Michael?”

He straightened and returned to her desk, bending over so that only she could hear what he was about to say.

“Will you let me know when my girlfriend calls?”

He said it loudly, despite his supposed intentions. Pam smiled thinly and agreed, just as she had been doing for the past six months. She knew it was just an excuse for him to announce to the office that he indeed did have a girlfriend, just so everyone would know. She didn’t fully blame him. The very thought was hard for even him to believe.

Michael returned to his office and the rest of the office went back to their work while Pam sat there, listening to the sounds that had become the background of her life. The water cooler bubbling, the air conditioner kicking on, the furious clacking of fingers on keyboards.

Going into work everyday had become an exercise in futility. Everyday the same. Not even countless conference room meetings or sudden parties to boost office morale could change that if she had no one to share it with. Or complain with. Or laugh with.

It was as though she were starting over at Dunder Mifflin from scratch. During the first weeks, she’d dealt with it by drafting email after email with things she would share with him. Just a quick message telling him of Dwight’s latest investigation or the way Jan was making Michael’s life a living hell for spurning her. Something to break the ice. A way to know that they were okay. That she hadn’t truly lost him.

She was being selfish, she knew. Wanting to hold on to his friendship even after witnessing the utter devastation he went through when she broke his heart.

It would have killed him to see her marry Roy. To start a family with him. To grow old with another man.

But she was beginning to think life without Jim would kill her first.

Her calendar was spread across her desk and she doodled carelessly in the empty date boxes until her pen ran out of ink. She scratched the tip across the paper, knowing it would soon drag and tear the paper, but she almost wanted to hear the sound of something different.

Only ten minutes had passed.

She was being slowly driven insane, she mused. Was that covered under the Dunder Mifflin health plan? Her lips started to curl slightly before she even heard his voice in her head.

I thought you said you were making up diseases? That’s spontaneous dentalhydroplosion.

She bit her lip hard between her teeth. Stop it. He left. You got married. That’s how it is. That’s what you chose.

Thinking of life any other way wasn’t fair to anyone. Not to Roy, not to Jim, not to herself. She was just going to have to find a way to make things go back to normal. Or as normal as possible.

A new normal.

It was just going to take some time to get over losing her best friend, she rationalized. He had been the one she went to when she needed to talk or vent. He had been the one she went to when she was happy or made up a new word. He was the one…

“Pam?”

The tentative voice called out to her, breaking into her thoughts. She looked up and saw Phyllis smiling at her.

“I’m expecting a fax. Would you let me know when it gets here?”

“Sure.” Pam tilted her head. “You never get faxes.”

Phyllis blushed a deep pink, leading Pam to believe her boyfriend Bob Vance (from Vance Refrigeration) was going to be sending her an illicit memo disguised as office business. She found herself brimming with jealousy.

Even though she’d be mortified with a lusty love letter from Roy, it would at least be something.

She didn’t know how many times she had told him while they were dating that she didn’t need expensive flowers or a pricey shopping spree or a romantic vacation, not that those were options anyway. All she needed was an email telling her that he loved her. A flower hand picked out of the rose bush on the ground floor of their complex. And sure, maybe a dirty fax, just to keep things spicy.

After nine years, they could use some spice.

But after nine years of getting nothing, she just stopped fighting it. It wasn’t worth it to have the same fight over and over and over again.

So instead she’d been given an engagement ring that she didn’t love but learned over time to like quite a bit. A trip to the Poconos when she didn’t even like to ski. The best sex of her life when all she wanted was a simple valentine. Or at least the best sex of her life rather than him grunting and grabbing and rolling over fifteen minutes later, when he was done.

“Just let me know when it gets here. It’s kind of important.”

“Okay. Will do.”

Pam couldn’t believe her curiosity had been effectively piqued by Phyllis’s love life.

She began to feel guilty for complaining about Roy’s less than romantic side. Mainly because while listing all the many ways he’d let her down, she couldn’t help but compare him to another man who had always come through. One who knew that she didn’t need a last minute promise of incredible sex. Sometimes all it took was a bag of her favorite chips.

Or knowing her favorite chips.

Her wedding photo glared up at her from her desktop as if to remind her that she got what she wanted. She looked happy, she thought with a critical eye. She looked at it often, just to make sure in case one day, her true emotions that day were to suddenly appear for all to see.

But as long as her smile was big and her cheek was pressed up against his, she knew her secret would be safe.

Roy looked so handsome, she remembered fondly, touching his deeply dimpled cheek through the glass.

Just like the night of their senior prom.

He’d grabbed her ass that night too. All these years later, he still thought it was funny.

All these years later, she still didn’t.

“Has my girlfriend called yet?”

“No, Michael.”

“No what?”

Pause. “No, your girlfriend hasn’t called yet.”

“Thank you.”

***

She remembered the first time she realized how much she loved to draw and that she was actually good at it. It was the summer she turned 14 and her family took a vacation to Florida to visit family. They stayed at a beautiful beach house on the shore and she fell in love with the sunsets that seemed to sink right into the water and melt away.

High school started that fall and she didn’t get much attention from the boys. She was short and gawky, with frizzy hair and wire-rimmed glasses and a mouthful of rubber bands and metal.

But she wasn’t that interested in them either. She had her sketchbook and her watercolors and she had her dreams. And that was all she needed.

When she met Roy, all of that changed. Her life became football games and parties and losing her virginity and falling in love for the first time and feeling like maybe she didn’t need dreams if she just had someone to love her. Because there was no feeling in the world like being in love for the first time and being kissed and being held. She just wanted to hold onto it as long and as hard as she could.

The closest she came to ending things with him had come during her sophomore year of college. He had already dropped out and began working at Dunder Mifflin and she went back to Florida for a family reunion.

She looked out over the water from the terrace and watched as the waves reached up as if to embrace the drifting sun. It was the first time she felt her heart break for what she’d lost.

For what she’d given up.

She had gone home and shown him the drawing that she’d made when she was 14 years old and filled with promise and dreams and asked him what he thought.

He never took his eyes off the TV as he said, “It’s nice.”

***

The day went by slower than normal, if that was possible. Her time was consumed with answering phones, attempting to learn how to play hearts on the computer, and humoring Michael.

She tried not to get lost in how things used to be, in how things could have been, in how things should have been.

Her mind kept wandering back to that night, when she could have changed everything. The taste of his kiss, the heat of his body, the feel of the backs of her thighs pressed up against the desk in the darkened room.

You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.

Me too.


The rapid beeping of the fax machine broke her out of her reverie. She unconsciously fanned her face with her hands and swiveled around to reach for the paper feeding through the machine.

It was addressed to Dunder Mifflin Paper Company, c/o Phyllis Lapin.

She hadn’t intended on reading over it first, but it didn’t have the Vance Refrigeration seal that normally accompanied his faxes into the office.

Her heart nearly stopped when she saw who it was from.

Phyllis

Here is a copy of my flight plan. My plane should get in on time tomorrow. Thanks for picking us up.

Jim

***

Pam clocked out five minutes after five, then pulled her jacket over her arms. The blustery November winds were colder than normal and the heat was out in Roy’s truck.

“Did my fax ever get in?” Phyllis asked nervously from her desk.

Pam stared at her, not even thinking. “No. No fax.”

Jim was sure he’d never been more physically uncomfortable in all his life. His long legs were oddly twisted underneath the seat in front of him and his shoulders were painfully hunched so as to not rub against the peculiar man sitting next to him.

The woman to his left turned to him with a bright smile adorning her features. “Thanks for the window seat.”

He grinned back. “How could I deny you when you’d been so deprived your whole life?”

She laughed huskily. “New York City was only 45 minutes away my whole life. I had no where else I wanted to go.” Her small body had no problem fitting into the cramped airplane seats, while he continued to shift and struggle and wince while trying to find a position where he didn’t feel so much like Gumby.

“And yet you’re thinking of moving to Scranton when the branch closes instead of Albany? I don’t know. If I were you, I wouldn’t even be taking this courtesy trip, free plane ticket or not.” His knee bumped clumsily into hers and he offered an apologetic shrug.

Her cheeks quickly filled with a delicate pink color at his touch. She cleared her throat and shifted so that she was staring straight ahead. “Yeah, well,” she said lightly. “Might as well peruse all my options before I make a decision.”

Jim eyed her carefully before nodding in agreement. “I guess that’s smart.”

“Have you decided if you’re going back?”

Her words hung in the air. Jim licked his lips and pushed aside the rush of memories inundating him.

When Josh told him that the Stamford branch was closing and would merge with the Scranton branch, Jim’s first reaction was to dig in his heels. Wasn’t there anywhere else he could transfer besides Scranton? Josh’s reaction was of surprise, but he did give Jim a way out when he admitted that there were other branches that were looking to pick up Stamford discards, though employment wasn’t a lock like it was if they went to Scranton. Since Corporate knew what a hard sell it would be to get their employees to move to Pennsylvania, they offered to pay for the plane tickets to Scranton so that prospects could visit the town and the company to decide if they wanted to transfer or not. “I don’t know yet. But its Thanksgiving so if Dunder Mifflin was going to buy my ticket home, I might as well let them, right?”

She laughed. “Is Thanksgiving a big deal for your family?”

Karen been the closest thing he could call a friend since moving to Stamford. She was pretty, he’d decided after a few weeks in. Her hair was long and shiny and straight and the color of chocolate. Her skin was exotic and smooth and probably soft to the touch. Not that he’d considered touching her, but if he did, he was sure it’d feel like silk. And she had quite possibly the most expressive eyes he’d ever seen. They reminded him of his uncle’s old basset hound that was boring and lazy and never moved, but when she would stare up at him with those rich brown eyes, he couldn’t help but reach down and pet her.

She was young and driven and determined, with a wicked sense of humor.

They would talk at work and Jim appreciated the distraction. She didn’t look like Pam, she didn’t act like Pam and she didn’t sound like Pam. She was perfect in all the ways that she was completely imperfect for him.

As the holidays neared, their aimless conversations slowly turned more personal. With her relatives scattered all across the country and unable to get together for Thanksgiving, she sat wistfully as he went on and on about his abnormally close family and the craziness that surrounded their traditional Thanksgiving dinner. He noticed her sad smile as he told his stories, so he’d extended an invitation to spend the holidays with him. After all, they were friends. And that’s what friends did for each other.

He hadn’t thought anything of it until that very moment, with her eyes shining up at him while he tried to explain in full detail why cranberry sauce was a Thanksgiving staple, even though nobody ever actually eats it.

“So, its just there for decoration?”

“Exactly.”

She smiled and it reached her eyes. “I want to thank you again for inviting me to come with you. Its one of the nicest things anyone’s ever done for me. The thought of spending Thanksgiving alone for the first time was...”

“It’s not a problem. We’ll be glad to have you.”

A sudden surge of panic seized him. Normally, Thanksgiving was his favorite holiday because it meant getting time off from work, getting to see his family and getting to overeat on his mom’s famous stuffing and yams. He more than anticipated their tradition every year.

But this year was different.

Because this year meant going back to Scranton.

Back to Pam.

Not that he planned on seeing her, but knowing they were in the same zip code seemed to be enough.

Enough to remember what he’d been driving himself crazy to forget.

When Phyllis had sweetly offered to pick them up from the airport, all that she’d asked was that he fax over the flight information so that she wouldn’t forget. He’d punched in the ten digits and faltered, already seeing the scenario play out in his head.

Pam would hear the beeps and her glazed over eyes would slowly adjust and she’d swivel in her chair and pick up the paper. Maybe she wouldn’t look to see who it was from, but Phyllis almost never got faxes so she’d definitely sneak a peek. By sending that fax, it would be his first contact with Pam in almost six months, even if it were indirectly.

He wondered if she ever thought of him, of that night, in any way other than pity. He wondered if she ever asked herself ‘what if’ or if she missed him.

Though he doubted it would make a difference if she did.

The way they left things was so final. She made her decision and they both knew that there was no going back. There was only moving on.

***

Pam watched as the plane landed and gradually rolled to a stop on the tarmac. Her fingers twisted together nervously as she anticipated seeing Jim again. Would his hair still be long and soft and adorably unruly? Did his daily lunch menu still consist of ham and cheese and carrots with a grape soda? Would he still look at her in that way? That way that used to make her blush and ask if she had something in her teeth because why else would he be staring so attentively at her, as if she were the only woman in the world for him, when they were just friends?

She took for granted what it felt like to be the only woman in the world for Jim. It was unfair of her to want it back, but she missed it. She missed him.

The butterflies there were congregating in her belly were beating their wings furiously. She feared she might throw up all over the luggage area.

Relax, she chastised herself. It’s just Jim. No matter what happened between them, he was still Jim. With his kind eyes and his quick wit and his hilarious impersonations. They were going to see each other and everything would be okay. It just had to be. She couldn’t stand the thought of going another day without the sound of his voice or the familiar doodle-oop of her instant messenger, announcing another notice of Jim Halpert’s death by boredom.

If she kept telling herself that, she was sure eventually she’d come to believe it. She was an expert at blocking out the truth that was so fond of smacking her in the face in favor of her own reality.

Block out the utter devastation on his face when she’d taken herself out of his arms and walked away. Block out his empty chair on that Monday morning that signified that he was really gone. Block out the perpetual numbness that had covered her from head to toe until the instant she saw his name on that fax and was suddenly hit with a bolt of pain and unrelenting memories.

Block out that she was a happily married newlywed that just lied to her husband that she was going shopping when she was really picking up another man from the airport that neither asked nor wanted her there. Roy had actually been disappointed, she recalled with a pang of guilt. He had been looking forward to having a Saturday just to themselves and she had bailed.

Passengers began slowly filtering out of the terminal. She stood up on her tip-toes to try and catch a glimpse of his face above the crowd.

She hadn’t realized how tense she was until she finally spotted him weaving carefully through the crowd and her entire body relaxed, her shoulders sagging in relief. He looked good. He looked like her Jim.

His hair was shorter, but still curled slightly over his ears and the nape of his neck. He looked casual in khaki slacks and a dark green sweater that hugged his lean form. And he was smiling in a way that crinkles his nose and formed creases by his eyes.

She swallowed hard, taken by surprise by her visceral reaction to him. It took all her willpower not to fight her way through the exiting passengers to throw her arms around him and squeeze his neck and tell him how glad she was to see him. The feel of his arms wrapping around her would make it all worth it.

He was talking to someone, she noticed, her eyes narrowing with curiosity. His lips were moving and his hands were gesturing and his laugh was loud. When the crowd parted around her, she froze when she saw him smiling easily – almost fondly – at a petite brunette by his side. The girl poked him in the side and he grabbed her hand to ward off her light blows.

Pam felt her insides clench, like someone had just punched her in the gut. She suddenly felt the urge to run or to hide or to melt into the floor. Anything to make her disappear as quickly as humanly possible, but she stood rooted in place, unable to move. Her chest tightened and a familiar sensation began to burn behind her eyelids.

Jim was so focused on the girl walking in time with him that he didn’t even see her standing there, mortified, until he was practically running over her.

He stopped abruptly in his tracks, the laughter dying on his lips and his face falling instantly into a mask of shock.

“Pam.” Her name shot off his lips in a voice she’d never heard before. It was almost guttural, from a place he never expected to go again. It took him a few moments to compose himself, but she could tell he was struggling with seeing her again. Their eyes locked as the rest of the airport din faded away.

Her mouth opened as she stared up at him. She had so much she wanted to tell him but by the time she thought of something remotely coherent, his face became guarded and wary and he looked away.

She blinked rapidly, his rejection stinging.

“Hi. Uh…” Pam cleared her throat, her eyes darting between him and the girl at his side. The way the woman was staring up at him with such adoration, albeit confusion, unsettled her in a way she didn’t want to analyze quite yet. She blurted out the first thing she could think of. A lie, naturally. “Phyllis couldn’t make it.”

Jim exhaled loudly, turning his attention suddenly to the tops of his shoes. She didn’t know if she imagined the small shake of his head or the corners of his lips turning up, but her cheeks flushed bright pink. He knew she was lying through her teeth. It made her feel exposed to have him see through her so completely.

“Ah,” was all he allowed.

Silence.

Pam shifted uncomfortably. In all the ways she imagined their reunion going, this was not one of the ways that she has considered to be an option.

The brunette lifted her chin in the air and nudged Jim in the ribs, staring up at him with questioning eyes.

“Oh, right. Sorry.” His mouth twitched into a forced smile and he put his hand on the small of her back. “Karen, this is Pam Beesley. We used to work together.”

Pam tried not to flinch at the formal introduction that rolled seamlessly off his tongue.

Used to work together. That was a far cry from what they were, she smarted indignantly, curling her fingers into closed fists in an attempt to control her conflicting emotions. They were more than that. They were friends. They were closer than any two people had a right to be.

“Nice to meet you,” Pam heard herself saying, extending her hand to Karen, determined to keep her fingers steady.

“Hi,” Karen replied warmly. Her dark brown eyes flickered up to Jim’s for reassurance. Their private moment seared itself into Pam’s brain without invitation.

Pam wanted to burst into tears when she realized that Karen was looking at Jim the way Jim used to look at her. That was their look. The one of genuine love meeting utter denial.

“So. You’re a fellow Dunder Mifflinite?” Karen asked, her brow knitted at the awkward tension.

“A what? Oh. Yes. Yes.” Pam felt the tears begin to form but she pushed them away by sheer force of will. She wanted nothing more than to get the hell out of there. “Do you guys need any help with your bags?”

Karen chuckled. “Probably. Jim seems to think I over packed.”

“And why wouldn’t you?” Jim asked as though it were perfectly natural. His tone had a hint of perfectly serious mocking. “Apparently Scranton exists in some vortex of the universe with no heaters or blankets, so you had to fill that void for entire North east region.”

“Shut up!” Karen protested. She turned to Pam as though they were already best friends. “He told me that his mom hates to turn on the heater until it reaches at least twenty below, so I wanted to be sure I didn’t freeze to death in the igloo that is otherwise known as the Halpert residence. His words, not mine.”

Jim snorted. “Do you carry a tape recorder around with you whenever I’m around? That quote was…uncanny.”

She blinked, deadpan. “What, that’s not normal?”

“No, that…is scary.”

Pam squeezed her eyes shut as they bantered back and forth. She was staying at his house. She was meeting his mother. She was home for the holidays. With him.

“…Isn’t that right, Pam?”

She heard her name and jolted back to reality. “I’m sorry, what?”

“I was trying to explain to Jim that all girls over pack when they go on vacation. Its like, in our genes. Back me up here, Pam.”

Jim opened his mouth, but then clamped it shut instantly. Instead he waited with Karen for Pam’s female solidarity consensus.

“Um. I’m not the best person to ask,” Pam mumbled softly, keeping her head down while they waited for their luggage to come around the conveyor belt. Where was the damn luggage? “What does your bag look like?”

“All of mine are red. Jim’s are black, which is coincidentally just like half the country’s, so I made him tie a pink ribbon around the handle so we could find it.” Karen smirked, proud of herself.

Pam had to look away, feeling a persistent ache growing inside her. She didn’t know why she was so crushed. Aside from the few times Jim had actually looked her way, he seemed to be doing well. He was smiling and laughing and joking around. That’s all she wanted for him, to be happy.

She just didn’t know why it had to hurt so badly.

***

Jim opened the passenger side door and let Karen slide in the front seat while he took the back. Pam turned on the heater and waited a few moments for her fingers to thaw before starting to drive.

“So what are you plans for Thanksgiving?” Karen wanted to know.

Pam resisted the urge to groan. Chatting up Jim’s ‘friend’ wasn’t high on her list of priorities.

“My parents are coming in town,” she answered simply. She rubbed her nose trying to warm herself up but she was cold down to her core.

“Oh wow!” Karen breathed. “What a pretty ring. Are you married?”

There was a strained pause. She resisted the urge to look in the rearview mirror and catch Jim’s eye, but she had a feeling he was staring blankly out the window, watching his old life pass him by.

“…Yes.”

“Awww. How long has it been? You look so young!”

Pam couldn’t believe this was happening. She wanted to fix things with Jim, not remind him over and over again that she had broken his heart by marrying Roy.

“Not…too long ago. I don’t really want-“

“I love weddings. I bet yours was beautiful.”

“It was nice.”

***

Pam opened the door to her apartment and silently stepped inside. Roy was napping on the couch, a football game muted on the television. She turned it off and went to their bedroom, her legs feeling like lead.

The bed was unmade and Roy’s laundry was scattered across the floor, but she barely even noticed. She picked up the photo on their nightstand and stared at it hard. It was taken years ago, at a carnival that had come through town. Cotton candy was dissolving in her mouth as she ‘cheesed’ for the camera and the feel of Roy’s stubble was against her cheek as the picture was taken. She remembered it like it was yesterday.

She remembered being so happy and content. He wasn’t always perfect, he wasn’t always romantic, he wasn’t always sensitive, but she had loved him with her whole heart. She knew who he was when she accepted his proposal and promised to spend the rest of her life with him. Sure, there were bad times, but she never focused on his faults before. He was just Roy and that was enough for her.

Tears spilled from her eyes and she carefully took the photo out of the frame and held it to her chest as she cried, alone in her bedroom.

When did he stop being enough?

Jim stood under the scalding hot water in the shower until his mother called through the bathroom door, issuing a loving reminder that while she was glad to have him home, if he didn’t get out now, he would be eating Kibble for Thanksgiving dinner.

Reluctantly he stepped out and slowly toweled off. His hair was sticking out and his face was flushed red from the steam. He closed his eyes and sighed.

He still couldn’t believe she had come. Seeing her standing there, looking so small with her panicked eyes and wounded expression was just about the last thing he expected. A parade of people chanting his name as women threw panties in his direction, sure.

But not Pam.

It hurt him to see her. It frustrated him. It made him angry at all the ways she was playing with his head, purposefully or not.

Getting over her was hard enough. Seeing the spark of thinly veiled jealousy radiating off of her as she introduced herself to Karen had made him all the more resentful. He could barely even look at her without wanting to pull her aside and demand to know why she was doing this to him.

She chose to marry Roy and end any possible future they could have had together. So why was she there, acting like him being with another woman was some sort of a betrayal? What right did she have to be upset? She was the one with a ring on her finger and the ‘nice’ wedding to tell her grandchildren about.

After Pam had dropped them off and he unpacked his things into his old bedroom, he’d finally received the harried voicemail from Phyllis. She was near tears and apologizing profusely, claiming that his fax just never came in. But not to worry, because Pam didn’t know a thing about his impending arrival.

It would have been almost comical if it weren’t so maddening.

He knew he had been cold to her at the airport, but what other option did he have? It was pure self-preservation.

As far as he was concerned, letting her back in would be the worst mistake he could make.

***

Karen had an apron wrapped around her waist and her fingers were covered with sticky dough. His mother was pointing her pinky finger to a picture hanging on the refrigerator while Karen laughed loudly.

“What…is going on here?” Jim asked warily, a slight smile playing on his lips. He came over to see what incriminating photograph was at the center of attention and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that he was of age and fully clothed. He was just getting a noogie from his older brother and while it was slightly embarrassing, not to mention emasculating, at least he wouldn’t have to hear how cute ‘it’ was.

“Your mom is teaching me how to cook her world famous white chocolate and macadamia nut cookies. And showing me what a dork you were in high school.” Karen’s tone was playful and affectionate and it resonated deep in his stomach.

She had a speck of cookie batter on her cheek and a dab on her nose. Jim couldn’t help but find her undeniably cute.

“She’s a quick study,” his mom chimed in with a wink.

“Yes, I can see how mixing and stirring would be hard to pick up on. Good thing we have such master bakers on the case,” he teased, swiping at Karen’s nose with his finger.

He began to feel guilty as her face lit up at his touch. Her feelings for him were blatantly obvious and he was doing absolutely nothing to deter her. While a part of him couldn’t help but feel good at the attention and the way Karen just seemed to fit right into place, the more battle scarred part of him didn’t want to lead her on.

But there she was, at home with him for the holidays, baking homemade cookies with his mother, wearing his grandmother’s hand-me-down apron, talking about a baby story she’d just heard about him and his favorite blanket. She was clearly in her element at Casa de la Halpert.

He genuinely loved what the picture in front of him represented. He was finally getting some insight into what it would be like to be have a family of his own and have a person to share such innocent, carefree, familiar moments with him. Moments they could sit by the fire thirty years from now and reminisce on with a glass of wine.

They would love his mom. They would flip through baby pictures. They would chide his brother for being so mean to him as a kid.

He could definitely see the image in his head playing out in front of him.

It was just the wrong person.

The person he’d imagined in those happy holiday pictures had a new last name, was probably planning her own family dinner, was making her own new memories and planning her own family.

Jim inwardly winced at the thought of Pam starting a family with Roy. It made him sick to his stomach.

He handed Karen a napkin to clean up the rest of her face and then went to make plans for the night. He needed to get out of that house and away from the images that would never come into focus for him.

***

Jim arrived at Poor Richards, one of his favorite Scranton hangouts, and greeted his old roommate with a manly slap on the back, coupled with a broad grin.

“Hey, man! How are you?”

“Can’t complain,” Mark replied easily. “Good to see ya, man. Connecticut been good to ya?”

Jim shrugged. “Not too bad. It’s not Scranton, so it’s got that going for it.”

Mark laughed. “I know what you mean.”

They ordered a round of beers at the bar and found a place to sit nearby. Jim took a long swig of his drink, savoring the cold liquid as it drained down his throat, welcoming the inevitable numbness it would soon bring.

“How’s Chelsea? Is that still going on?”

“She’s good, yeah. Getting a little wedding crazy, ya know? Too many of our friends are getting married, man. Every time we get another invitation, she’ll give me that look, ya know? It makes me nervous.”

Jim chuckled, but couldn’t offer any concurrence. He drank faster.

“So how ‘bout you? Seeing anyone?”

“Ahh…” Jim trailed off, setting his empty glass down hard on the tabletop. “Sort of? I kind of brought someone home for Thanksgiving. But we’re just friends.”

Mark gave him the same patented sympathetic look that had been perfected in the three years they’d known each other. “Story of your life, huh?”

 Jim raised his hand to signal for another. “Story of my life.”

Mark’s cell rang and he disappeared outside for a moment. Jim sighed into his last beer of the night and was encouraged by how nice it had been to get out on the town, catch up with old friends, and not think about Pam at all. Well, except for now, when he was alone and tipsy and nostalgic.

Beyond that, he was actually enjoying himself, like his life could actually be okay without her in it.

“Hey. Hey! Halpert, is that you?”

Jim could feel his entire body tense at the boisterous voice booming from somewhere behind him.

“You have got to be kidding me.”

“It is you!” Roy was grinning as he stumbled over to the bar and threw his arms around Jim as though they were old buddies.

Clearly, Pam never divulged what had occurred between them on Casino night or Roy would have instead thrown his ham-sized fist into his face. Jim almost would have preferred being hit. Then they wouldn’t have to go through this pretense of male bonding.

“Roy. How’s it going?” Jim’s unenthusiastic greeting was lost on Roy.

“Oh, it’s not bad, not bad. We missed you at the wedding. How was Jamaica?”

“Australia. It was good.” He never went, but didn’t see the need to divulge that information.

“Right. So how have you been, man? When did you get back in town? Man, Pam’s gonna be glad to see you.”

Jim glanced sharply at him as Roy ordered another beer from the bar. Did he not know that Pam had picked him up from the airport yesterday?

Again, he couldn’t help but wonder what Pam was doing. Did she even know herself?

“Oh yeah?” was all he could muster.

“Oh yeah. She’s around here somewhere. She’s been in the bathroom, like, all night. Probably the chicken wings.” He nudged Jim, who could only tighten his jaw and shake his head.

“So how long you in town for?”

“Uh. Just the holidays.”

“Oh really? Well I know Pammy’s gonna be happy to have you back.”

Jim hated that nickname. “Why is that?”

“I think she missed you, man. It’s a good thing I’m not the jealous type, cause the way she moped around after you left was unreal. I just wanted to tell her, snap out of it! Ya know?” He laughed to himself.

A small smile tugged at the corners of his lips, despite Jim’s best efforts to remain stoic and unmoved.

“It’s too bad you’re not back for good,” Roy continued, obviously a chatty drunk. Or maybe it was just Jim’s karma for kissing the man’s fiancé that made him the perfect target to vent all spousal frustrations to. “You were my Pam buffer.”

Dimples popped out of Roy’s cheeks and Jim could vaguely see how he could have been considered charming, maybe in high school, when overgrown buffoons were considered all the rage. But it never ceased to take him by surprise to know it was a guy like him that Pam had ended up with.

“What is a Pam buffer?” Jim asked, looking around the bar, trying to figure out a way to escape.

“The person she talks to before she gets to me. Now she comes home and wants to talk. All the time. And its blah blah Michael and blah blah Dwight and blah blah sexual harassment.”

“Sorry I messed that up for you,” Jim commented wryly, a deep hatred burning within him.

Hate at Roy for not understanding what he had. Hate at himself for still giving a damn. Hate at Pam for choosing this for her life.

“Jim.”

Her small voice caught him off guard. He turned to face her and saw her licking her lips nervously. Her eyes were wide and red and puffy and he fought off the urge to be concerned at her obvious misery.

“Pammy!” Roy exclaimed happily, extending his arm. “Look who I found!”

Pam winced when Jim fixed a pointed gaze onto her. His eye was twitching and his jaw was clenched. He was pissed, she realized, as opposed to Roy, who looked so proud as to have reunited her with her old friend.

She was at a complete loss.

“I see that. Hi, Jim.”

He gave her a curt nod in reply and she coiled back, stung. She didn’t think she would ever get used to him looking right through her.

“I was just telling Jimmy here that we missed him at the wedding.”

Pam hated that nickname. She stiffened as Roy wrapped an arm around her hunched shoulders and hugged her close. She met Jim’s eyes briefly before breaking into a hoarse cough.

“Yeah…” she said dully.

“Hey you two, I’ll be right back,” Roy groaned. “This stuff is going right through me.”

“Actually, I was hoping-“ Pam cut herself off when he disappeared. She bit her lip and looked down.

Jim closed his eyes, taking a deep, controlled breath. He hated being near her and not knowing what to say. That had always been their charm, even if it meant discussing nothing but Angela’s cat parties.

It was what made them…them.

“You look good.”

His shoulders sagged forward at the sound of her timid compliment. He wasn’t sure if his reaction was in relief or of defeat. It was the first time they had been alone since he’d returned and his defenses were weak when it came to the vulnerability showcased in her sad eyes.

She stared into him and searched for a way to have that be enough to make them okay again. But his gaze fell to her ring and he didn’t want it to be okay. He wasn’t okay.

The hurt he felt wasn’t akin to the utter devastation that paralyzed him in those first few months, but it wasn’t the unaffected indifference he so desperately needed either.

Maybe for now that was good enough though.

Maybe it was a start.

“You too.”

She smiled. “Thank you.”

He knew what she meant.

“I didn’t think you liked Poor Richards.”

“I don’t, really,” Pam admitted. “The smoke in here is killing me.” She eyed him casually, trying to keep her tone light. “Where’s…Karen?”

Jim shrugged “She didn’t want to come. She's, uh, baking with my mom.”

In all the time he’d known Karen, which granted, wasn’t that long, she never seemed the Susie Homemaker type. But to his surprise, she had seemed to fit in seamlessly into the Halpert kitchen, though he sincerely doubted that she’d ever so much as turned on an oven, let alone baked homemade cookies from scratch. He didn’t know if it bothered him that she was trying so hard to fit in with his family, or if it impressed him that she would go to such great lengths to show him how good they could be together. He decided the latter. It was healthier.

Pam swallowed hard and nodded. “Your mom…she likes her?”

“Yeah, I guess so. She let her into her kitchen, so there’s that.”

Her laugh sounded hollow, even to her own ears. “Good. How, uh, how long have you two been…you know?”

“Oh. Um.” He shrugged again, non-committal. “We’re just…She needed a place to go for Thanksgiving, so…”

“Oh.” She nodded a few times too many, trying to disguise the fact that she was relieved. “Oh. Well. She seems nice.”

“She is. She really is. So how’s married life?” His words blended together as he rushed to spit them out.

“Good. You know. Really pretty good.”

“Good.”

“Yeah, I, um…we miss you around the office.” Her lashes lowered.

“You’re not going to believe this,” Jim laughed suddenly. “But I actually miss Dwight.”

Pam gaped at him. “No way.”

“I do, I do. There’s this guy I work with now, right? And I put his calculator in Jell-O-“

“Naturally.”

“-And he starts asking who did it. At first, he’s a little agitated, but calm, right? But then he starts kicking trash cans across the room and screaming. It was…terrifying.”

Pam sat down next to him at the table without thinking. “Come on, he can’t be more bizarre than Dwight,” she argued, as though it were a competition and her team needed to win.

“I don’t know,” Jim replied. “With Dwight, you always knew what you were getting. He’s demented, but at least he was up front about it. I mean, he brought a potato gun into work in his gym bag. This guy just seemed so normal.”

“Those are the ones you have to watch for,” Pam replied matter of factly. “Case in point: Creed. Remember those…sprouts of his, or whatever he kept in his desk that smelled-“

“-Like death, yeah, I know, I know. I gotta say, that? I don’t miss.” He laughed softly to himself before clearing his throat and taking another gulp of his drink.

An awkward pause settled in over them. Pam jumped in to fill it, desperate to hold onto their moment of ease and familiarity.

“Dwight and Angela are doing it.”

Jim started to choke, spitting his beer back into his glass. She bit back a grin and handed him some napkins, waiting for him to compose himself.

“What? What?” Jim exclaimed, his eyes wide and eager - and a little disgusted. “They’re…what?”

“You heard me. They are totally-“

“Stop it! No, I can’t listen to…How long? How is that…How?”

“I think since your party last year, but maybe even before that.”

His shook his head, in denial. “No, you told me that you were wrong about them. That you were making something out of nothing.”

Pam splayed her palms out and shrugged, smiling smugly.

“Oh, what is that?” Jim cried, mocking her expression. “You were sitting on the biggest secret that the office has ever seen and all you have to say is…” He again mimicked her movements, much to her delight.

“It was so not the biggest secret,” she protested.

“Name one that could rival Dwight and Angela doing…that.”

She leaned in conspiratorially, touching his hand lightly. “Oscar...is gay.”

“What?!”

“See? That’s bigger, right?”

“Bigger than Dwight…Dwight having a sex life – I mean, and its Angela! I can’t even…Oscar is gay? Really?”

Pam grinned. “They are at least equal in the realm of big secrets, don’t you think?”

“I’ll give you a draw, but there is no excuse for holding out on me for so long, Beesley. None.” He shook his head in mock disappointment.

“Oh, suck it Halpert. You’re just jealous that I have the detective skills to uncover such–“

“Detective skills,” Jim snorted. “How did you find out Oscar was gay? Tail him in your Impala?”

Pam rolled her eyes heavenward and smiled. “Um…Michael outted him and then kissed him in the conference room.”

Jim’s mouth formed a small ‘o’ of shock, and then he started to laugh. “Nice undercover detective skills you had to use there. Oh man, poor Oscar.”

“He got a six month vacation and new company car out of the settlement,” Pam confided. “I think I overheard his talking head about how this proves to kids that it pays to be gay.”

There heads bent forward in joined laughter but Pam instantly pulled away when a man approached from over Jim’s shoulder.

“Jim, hey…”

Jim spun around. “Mark. Hey. Was that Chelsea?”

“Yeah, she’s on her way. I’ll probably get a ride home with her…” he peered at Pam. “You’re…Pam, right?”

Her eyebrows rose. “Yes. I’m Pam.” She narrowed her eyes until realization dawned on her. “Mark, right?” She glanced at Jim to be sure. “From the party?”

“Yeah. Hey, how’s that Dwight guy? Still weird?”

“Always.” Pam started to smile, feeling a natural rapport between them, which shouldn’t have surprised her, considering he was one of Jim’s best friends.

Mark sat down across from them and gave Jim a look that demanded details but Jim shook his head ever so slightly and the look was gone.

“I gotta tell ya, Pam,” Mark confided with mock seriousness. “I thought Jim was making him up. I mean, I really did. Does he really live on a beet farm?”

“He’s even got his own crossbow range,” Pam concurred apologetically.

“Told you. I told him,” Jim shook his head. “Pam, do you realize how much money we could make off of Dwight? Just set up a little booth, sell some tickets and just let him go."

“What kind of booths should we have?"

"We'd have to give the people their money's worth, so...”

“We’d definitely have to have a dojo match in there.”

“Against 10 year old girls.”

Pam giggled, throwing her head back. “And we have to get him to raise and lower his cholesterol at will.”

Mark had to cut in. “Why would he want to raise his cholesterol?”

“So he can lower it,” Pam and Jim both replied in unison.

Pam watched with a growing sense of dread as the laughter on Jim’s face suddenly dissolved and his expression turned blank.

She stood up when she too saw Roy threading his way back over to their table. A heavy weight re-settled on her shoulders.

She and Jim exchanged small glances as Roy and Mark met and shook hands.

“What were you guys talking about?” Roy asked, putting his hands on Pam’s shoulders and squeezing gently.

“Just work stuff.”

“Michael, right?” Roy guessed, already nodding. “What a douche.”

Pam smiled weakly while Mark and Jim shifted uncomfortably in their chairs.

“Hey, you guys interested in a game of darts?” Roy asked, rubbing his hands together.

Pam opened her mouth to object but before she could, Jim declined.

“No thanks. I’m probably gonna head out.”

“What time does your brother get in?” Mark asked, signaling their waiter for another drink.

“An hour ago,” Jim admitted sheepishly.

Mark laughed, nudging him in the ribs. “Yeah, you should probably get back home. Doesn’t your brother have a thing for stealing your girls?”

Jim made a face. “One time.”

“That I had to hear about for years,” Mark reminded.

Jim found himself smiling. “She already looked at my baby pictures. How could she resist me after that?”

“It bodes well for you that baby pictures turn her on. At least she won’t be disappointed.”

“That’s not what your mom said. If I remember correctly, I believe the phrase was “Oh…my God. Please don’t hurt me.”

“Have I ever told you about my mom’s fear of small things? It’s called microphobia, and while it’s not very well known, it’s a very serious condition that causes one to scream out in terror.”

“Well, she didn’t act like she was scared of it when she was going-“

“Stop! You win!” Mark waved his hands wildly and shook his body violently to clear the images. “You win. I have officially reached my limit of talking about my mother having sex. You are the champion.”

Jim took a mock bow. “I want to thank my best friend Mark. He was a fine competitor. I gotta say, you almost tripped me up by actually knowing the scientific term for fear of small things, but I powered through.””

Mark shook his head in mock disgust. “I just didn’t have it in me today.”

“That’s what she said.”

Everyone’s head turned towards Pam, whose voice was small but her smile was proud and knowing.

Mark gaped at her while Jim hooted in appreciation. “Nicely played, Beesley.”

Pam felt warm all over, meeting Jim’s eyes brazenly for a few moments, until Roy broke the spell.

“That’s what who said?”

She turned to him, her smile fading. “Nobody. Its…I was…its nothing.”

Jim mood started to sour as he watched her visibly deflate. “Anyway, I’m outta here,” he told Mark shortly. “You sure you don’t need a ride home?”

“Nah, Chelsea will be here soon. And I kick ass at darts,” he said pointedly.

Roy puffed up. “Oooh, it is on my, man.”

“Actually,” Pam interjected. “I was hoping we could head home.”

Roy was clearly perplexed. “Why?”

“Um…” she scratched her temple and stepped in closer to try and keep their inevitable argument as quiet as possible.

“The smoke in here is getting to me. And I’m tired.”

“Yeah, but Pam…it’s still early.”

“Its past ten,” Pam argued. “I thought you wanted us to hang out tonight?”

“I thought we were? Come on, baby, just one more game? This guy thinks he can beat me. You can be my personal cheering section. It’ll be fun!”

“Yeah, for you,” she responded sourly.

Roy sighed, then perked back up. “Halpert? You’re taking off right?”

Jim pressed his lips together tightly. “Yeah.”

“Would you mind taking the little lady home? She’s not feeling well.”

He held his tongue. “Sure. Will do.” He grabbed his wallet and paid his tab.

“You don’t have to,” Pam told him. “Your brother just got in town.”

Jim just stared at her sadly. “It’s alright. Come on. I’ll take you home.”

The night air was cool as they left the bar, side by side, crunching the slushy snow beneath their shoes in beat with the other. Pam’s legs felt heavy as they trudged through the crowded parking lot. Her feelings were hurt, but the chance to be alone with Jim was quickly making her care less and less.

It had felt so much like old times as they had sat in the bar, laughing and coming up with new schemes to use Dwight’s own weirdness against him for their own gain.

Jim turned to her, opening his mouth to say something, but then proceeded to gracefully stumble over his own feet before he could utter a word. Only Pam’s quick grab of his coat jacket spared him an embarrassing fall onto the snow covered gravel.

Pam burst into loud, infectious giggles at his expense, the laughter bubbling from deep within her belly and vibrating in her throat, leaving him feeling emasculated nonetheless. He turned around to see what tripped him, trying to play off his own clumsiness, which only added to her uncontrollable cackles.

She managed to stifle her amusement for a moment to solemnly hold out her hand. He stared at her bare palm for a moment before glancing up with a quizzical expression.

His first instinct was to slowly reach out and touch her skin, to lace his large fingers through her slim ones. To gently squeeze and feel her heartbeat through her palm as it slid against his. To bring her frigid fingers to his mouth and let his hot breath warm her up.

She caught the intensity in his eyes and she nearly melted from the heat of his gaze.

“Car keys,” she finally said.

“What?”

“Give me your keys, Halpert. I’m driving.” A teasing smile played on her lips.

He made a face before handing over his keys, the metal jingling as the transfer was made. “A guy has one bad moment and all the sudden, he’s a sloppy drunk.”

“I just don’t want to take any chances. You have precious cargo.” She gave him a smile that physically made him ache.

Jim didn’t feel drunk in the least. If the brisk wind outside wasn’t enough to sober him, the thought of being alone in a confined space with Pam would have done the trick just fine. He knew deep down he shouldn’t have agreed to do this. He should have declined and gone home to his family, to see his brother, to be with Karen.

But there he was, handing over his car keys just because she’d smiled at him.

***

The ride was mostly quiet. Jim seemed to have something on his mind but the soft music of the radio station lulled them into a comfortable silence.

Pam sighed deeply, gripping the steering wheel tightly in her grasp. She was frustrated with Roy but she couldn’t help but blame herself as well. At least Roy had been making an effort lately, as opposed to her. He’d been the one who wanted to stay in bed the other morning and even run a bubble bath, but Pam had been too fixated on getting to the airport in time for Jim’s flight to get in to bother with his romantic gesture.

He had cooked her dinner last night – not her favorite meal, but it was good. He’d even planned an evening out tonight for just the two of them.

His execution had been sorely lacking, but he was trying. She had to give him credit for that. At least when his mind wandered, it was on sports or cars – not another woman. Her cheeks burned once again as she thought of earlier, listening to Mark joke about Jim’s prowess in bed. Her eyes had lowered and her breath had caught until she felt like her heart was about to explode out of her chest.

Her guilt was eating her alive, gnawing painfully on her insides. Those feelings, those emotions, those flashes that just wouldn’t go away, no matter how hard she tried. Or maybe it was the fact that she hadn’t tried. She clung to those memories more often than she liked to admit and she knew it was ruining her marriage.

She knew she had to find a way to make peace with her decision. She knew she had to find closure with Jim.

She knew she had to let him go.

***

Jim was lost in thought, the corners of his mouth still turned upward as he replayed those last scenes at the bar again through his mind. He thought of her sitting right next to him, her barstool hugging his close, their hands touching as they conspired, their heads nearly bumping together as they threw their bodies into laughter. He heard her sharp tongue as she teased Mark, her eyes glittering with sparks of life, her lips curling into a devilish smirk. He felt their connection all over again, as if she were born to finish his thoughts and act out his most daring schemes as though they were her own. It had been so perfect, the way she knew him without even trying. The way she could answer questions never verbalized. The way they could sit and just be

His heart turned over in his chest as he wondered…shouldn’t that mean something?

Shouldn’t it mean everything?

His eyes shut and he wished he could just…He didn’t even know what he would do if he could just…

Everything about Pam was complicated and uncertain. She was a perfectly maddening blend of free spirit and Stepford wife. She wanted so much more out of life, but then let it all pass her by without a fight. She was wonderfully loyal, but didn’t know when to just cut her losses.

Sometimes he truly believed that the grief she brought on him wasn’t worth the wacky plans and stolen glances and inside jokes and the ring on her finger.

Yet he had a feeling if tomorrow, she woke up in his arms, he wouldn’t regret a day of all it took to get her there.

As long as she was there.

But he knew she never would be.

She would always be someone else’s to love.

He had to let her go

Her question broke through the silence that had enveloped the heating car. Pam had been playing with it on the tip of her tongue, trying to find the right time, because there might not be another time and Jim was pressing his cheek to the cool window, watching as his breath came out tangible against the glass.

“Are you coming back?”

His insides stilled to the point where he forgot to breathe. The fog on the window evaporated, reminding him it was time. He sat up straighter but kept his eyes focused ahead, unwilling to look her way. “Coming back?”

“To Scranton. Michael told us that the branches were merging. That you might come back.” Pam tried to keep her voice light, like it didn’t matter either way. Like it didn’t mean everything.

“Oh.” He watched the scenery float by outside like a movie reel, lost for words. He didn’t know what to say. He thought of jellybeans and palm reading and stolen kisses. He thought of the light reflected off her wedding band and her pregnant belly and their one year anniversary. “I don’t know yet.”

“When do you have to decide?”

“By the new year.”

She slowly pulled to a stop up to a stop light and turned to face him, trying to mask the desperation in her voice.

“A lot of people would love if you did. Come back, I mean. Ryan, for one. He has your old desk and he doesn’t seem to have the same tolerance for Dwight clipping his toenails every other Thursday like you do.”

Jim let out a small chuckle, then eyed her openly. “I just don’t think I can.” It wasn’t the hesitation in his voice that stung her. It was the scratch in his throat, the wince in his features, the slight trembling of his mouth. It was the way he framed it like a question that only she had the right answer for.

“Don’t you miss it here? Your family is here. Your friends. The Sixers.”

He threw her a warning glance but couldn’t resist the small smile that tugged at his lips. “Pam-“

“I mean, yeah, they haven’t won a championship since ‘83. But they play hard and they win…occasionally. They haven’t done anything to deserve this.”

Even though her persuasive appeal was met with a genuine laugh, she hated herself for not being able to tell him the truth. The truth…was such a tricky concept for her these days.

The truth was, she needed him back. And there was a time when she would have told him, even though it meant baring her soul and risking her heart. She had to search a long way back, but there was a time when maybe, she would have had the courage.

Jim welcomed the silence that followed. He closed his eyes and prayed for it to stretch until it was time to say goodbye, because he had to save up all the strength he had to be able to do that, and if she kept stealing his thoughts and his words and his breath from him, all he might be left with is lingering hugs he can’t pull away from and tears he can’t force back and the three words he can't seem to banish from his lexicon.

The car stopped and the engine stilled. The silence turned into quick breaths and beating hearts.

He opened his eyes and stared at the red brick building with gold lettering emblazoned on the walls proclaiming it Prescott Elementary. He turned to look at Pam, who was eyeing him with a small smile.

“Where are we?”

“Come on. I want to show you something.”

She got out of the car and waited nervously for him to join her. It was presumptuous, she realized this. But she didn’t want to go home just yet. She didn’t want to say goodbye. She didn’t want to let this opportunity slip through her fingers. She just wanted a little more time.

The car door slowly opened and a wary Jim stepped out. “If this is a kidnapping, I’ll have you know that my dad is a cop and he will find me.”

Pam smiled up at him. “Your dad sells insurance.”

“But he owns a gun.”

“Yes, he does,” Pam agreed. “But its unloaded, locked in a glass case, and he doesn’t know where the key is.”

Jim laughed shortly. “How do you remember that?”

“I remember everything.”

His lips tightened and the tension crackled. Pam pulled her jacket tighter and cocked her head. “It’s this way.”

He followed her, keeping a safe distance behind. Any closer and he might feel the natural urge to take her hand in his and lightly swing in time to their steps. “Where are you taking me?”

Pam turned around and continued to walk backwards. The lights of the building illuminated her rosy cheeks and the light wind lifted her tendrils around her face. “This is my old elementary school. I think it’s my favorite place in the whole world.”

They came to a stop by the playground and Jim watched as Pam sat down on a swing and gently pushed back and forth.

She looked so small, her fingers wrapped around the chains and her toes dragging in the grass. He took the swing next to her and held on tight.

“Well, it could definitely give Disneyland a run for its money.”

Pam laughed. “I don’t know. I just love coming here. It’s so peaceful.”

“You think this is peaceful…You should come back Monday at recess.”

She made a face but her lips quirked up. “Forget it. I don’t know why I brought you here.”

Jim swiveled in his swing until his knees brushed up against hers. “No, tell me. Why did you bring me?”

Pam stared at their legs, feeling her body warm from his contact. “I don’t know. I’ve never brought anyone here before. I just wanted you to see. I wanted to show you.”

“Pam Beesley, circa 1987?”

“Yeah. I think you would have liked me back then.”

Jim smiled and looked down, almost shyly. “Oh yeah? Did you have the first Thundercats lunchbox on the block?”

“No,” Pam retorted. “Mine was Transformers.”

He eyed her carefully. “Optimus Prime or Megatron?”

“Optimus Prime, naturally.”

“Alright then. I think you would have met my impossibly high standards for friends back then. Question: Did you steal lunch money from gangly boys with big ears?”

She felt her heart thump audibly in her chest and was sure that he could hear. “No,” she answered, though she could barely think to process a response at all.

“Good. Then I definitely would have liked you.” Their eyes met through the metal links.

“What were you like?”

“Gangly, with big ears and no lunch money,” Jim quipped, breaking into a toothy grin. “Teachers hated me. I was always pulling pranks and trying to be funny.”

“Then I think I definitely would have liked you too.”

Jim cleared his throat, shifting away from her and pressing his long legs into the earth to push off. “I don’t really have a bad memory of it all though. Everything was…easier back then.”

Pam glanced around wistfully. “Yeah, I know what you mean. I have some really great memories of this place, too.”

“Like what?”

“See that slide over there?” His eyes followed her fingertip. “I fell off of that my first day of school and broke my arm.”

Jim glanced at her with a wry grin. “Ahh…the memories.”

“And I was on this very swing when I was asked to go steady for the first time by Gerald Whitmore. I told him I’d rather eat paste than be his yucky girlfriend.”

“Harsh, Beesley.”

She continued without hearing him. “My favorite teacher was Mrs. Rupert…she had this assignment one day for us. We had to draw a self-portrait, how we saw ourselves. I went straight home that day and I worked so hard on it. It was my favorite assignment because it wasn’t work, you know? It was…art. When it was time to turn them in, we all had to get up in front of the class and show the picture. I saw all my friends with these drawings of themselves and I get this really sick sense of dread because mine looked nothing like them. It’s my turn to get up there and I show my self portrait. And everyone laughs because I had drawn a butterfly. That’s how I saw myself. Free and beautiful and unique. And Mrs. Rupert, she stood up and she took my picture and she put it up on the board and she gave it a big A plus in red marker in front of everyone. And she told me that I was the only one who understood the assignment. And that if I saw myself as a butterfly, then I was a butterfly.” She finished in a whisper, her lashes moistened by unshed tears.

Jim stared at her profile. “What happened to the butterfly?”

She turned to face him, her cheeks pink from the cold and emotion. “I don’t know. I think she…it got lost somewhere along the way.” She drew a ragged breath and stared down at her shoes as they traced an imaginary shape in the grass below.

“Do you think you’ll ever find it again?”

Pam gazed up at the night sky, watching the stars blink. “I hope so. I haven’t looked in so long, I almost forgot...”

“Why are you telling me this?” His voice was thick and raspy, choking on the meaning behind the words even though he knew he was bound to misinterpret them again.

“I don’t know.”

But she did. She wanted to share a part of herself that Roy had never touched. It was her past and her dreams and her promising future and it was limitless.

This place represented a time in her life when she knew what she wanted and she went for it without a care in the world. She could break her arm and still want to get on the slide again the next week, with her arm in a bright purple cast scrawled with black signatures. She could do an assignment and face rejection because she truly believed in herself. She could face down her fears and stand up for herself and be happy because the weight of the world hadn’t yet forced itself upon her small shoulders.

She wanted to feel like that girl again. And she wanted Jim to see that part of her and know there was hope for her yet.

“Pam…”

He almost let himself be swayed by her sad eyes and her pale skin and her trembling lips for just a moment. They were rocking so close to each other, if he would just lean a little bit, if she would just lean a little bit…Instead he shifted once more and stared into the night. It was a long while before she spoke again.

“I don’t know why I came to the airport.”

“I didn’t ask.”

“Yes you did.” Her words hit him across the face. “I guess I wanted to see you.”

“You guess?”

Her chin quivered imperceptively as she turned to him, searching his face, drowning into his eyes. “I wanted to see you.”

“Why?”

Pam heard so many emotions laced in that one question. Desperation. Longing. Bitterness. Exhaustion.

“I missed you. I miss you.”

It was only a whisper but it cut through him like a knife blade, severing his sanity. She was like an unrelenting army of one set out to destroy him and he was powerless to do anything to stop her. But he had to put up some sort of fight. Any sort of barrier to defend himself against the destruction she was going to bring him if he let her in again.

Jim slowly got to his feet and took a few measured steps before turning back to face her. “Pam. I don’t think we should do this.”

“Do what?” She sounded so fragile, like he was one word away from shattering her completely. She didn’t even move, just continued to stare at his empty, swinging chair.

“This. Talking.”

“We can’t talk?” She was being deliberately obtuse, but she didn’t care. She turned to him with shining eyes and a wounded expression.

“No. I don’t…think.” He shook his head and finally looked at her, looked into her eyes, so that maybe she would understand. “I don’t think we should see each other again while I’m back.”

She let out a shaky breath and stood up on wobbly legs, forcing him to take another step backwards to maintain their calculated distance. “What are you saying? You don’t want to see me?”

Jim’s insides tightened. “No. I don’t want to see you.”

“Why?”

Jim heard so many emotions dripping out of that one question. Hurt. Anger. Regret. Knowing.

“I just…I can’t do this anymore. Not again.”

“I thought we…I thought things were okay?”

“Things were okay. They are okay.” He took a breath. “But I deserve better than okay.” His tone was hard but his eyes were soft and sad. “I deserve to be happy too.”

“I want that for you.”

He shook his head, allowing the bitterness that was seeping into him take hold. “Then why are you doing this? Why are you showing up at the airport out of nowhere? Lying to your fian- your husband, Pam? Why did you bring me here? Why can’t you just let me go?”

Hot tears trickled down her cheeks, but she remained silent.

“I have a new life. I started over. I’m moving on. But then I come here and you’re waiting for me. And it’s not fair. You’re married, Pam. That was your choice. That was what you wanted.”

“I didn’t want to lose you. I never wanted that.”

“You can’t lose what was never yours.” His face was impenetrable and his eyes were dark with anger and frustration and an unrequited love that was about to finally wear him down to dust if he didn’t break free from the chains that bound him to her. “You don’t get to miss me, Pam. I’m not yours to miss.”

Her face clouded over at his harsh words. “Yeah? Well I wasn’t yours to love. It didn’t stop you from turning my life upside down, did it?” Pam swiped at her eyes furiously and angrily brushed past him, stalking away from him and his rejection. He called after her but she ignored him. She shut out everything except the blistering cold.

She welcomed the numbness like an old friend.

It was her laugh, mostly, that drew him to her. Karen laughed and it sounded like a woman who would give all of herself to him because she could. Because she had all of herself to give.

There was no furrow in her brow, no pain etched in her expression, no wounds lurking behind the depths of her eyes. She had no ties, no obligations, no years of history for him to compete with.

Her laugh sounded like freedom. Availability. Desire. Expectation. Being more than just friends.

Her laugh sounded like hope.

It was Thanksgiving day and he started to allow himself to enjoy the little things about her. The way she smiled in surprise when his fingers lingered a little bit longer on her shoulders than necessary when he was helping her into her coat. The way she elbowed him lightly when his grandmother set the cranberry sauce on the table where it would remain – untouched – for the duration of the meal. The way his mother would cast his brother knowing glances over the rim of her wine glass when he and Karen would whisper to each other between forkfuls of turkey and dressing.

“Jim, Karen tells us that you may be moving back to Scranton?”

His stomach knotted and the smile holding while he watched his baby niece rummage around in her food with her fingers fell off his lips.

Karen started nodding beside him, wiping her mouth demurely with her napkin before speaking. “Yeah, our branch manager Josh took another job with Staples. So they’re transferring some of us to Scranton and giving the rest a severance package for their years of service.”

“Service?” Jim’s brother Jonathon snorted.

“It’s the nice way of saying ‘you’re fired’ but no hard feelings,” Jim supplied uneasily.

His mother looked at him expectantly. All eyes turned to him and for the first time, Karen’s laughter started to sound like a truck horn blasting as it railroaded towards him at full speed.

“Jim seems to think I should go to the Albany branch instead, but I don’t know. From what I’ve seen of Scranton, I could see myself moving here and giving it a shot.” Her words were dripping with a question he didn’t quite know the answer to.

He forced a smile. “Karen’s a city girl at heart.”

“So what are you planning to do, Jim?”

“Larissa, let the boy eat,” his father admonished lightly, sensing his son’s hesitation.

“I don’t know, actually,” Jim cut in, scratching the side of his face, longing to feel the roughness of his scruff that he had shaved off this morning.

“Well you left because you were promoted, right? Surely that promotion would stick if you came back? I’m sure they don’t expect you to uproot your life again for less than what you making before, right?”

Jonathon cast Jim a pointed look that he chose to ignore. “I haven’t talked to anyone about the particulars.”

“Well, we’d love to have you back home. We miss you around here honey.” His mother’s warm tone cloaked him like an embrace.

“I miss you guys too. I just…it’s a lot to consider.”

Karen put her arm on his back and rubbed it lovingly. “When we go back, we’re going to set up a meeting with Jan to discuss all the options and determine pay and everything. But from what I’ve heard around the office is that they’re planning on giving Jim another promotion, to Assistant Regional Manager, if he comes to Scranton.”

Jim’s brows quirked together. “When did you hear that?”

“I kind of overheard Josh and Jan discussing how things had to be re-arranged since Josh was leaving. Your name came up quite a bit. Jan is very fond of you.” Her eyes shone with admiration and pride. “I’m sure they’ll meet whatever demands you have for moving back.”

“That’s excellent honey!” His mother brightened considerably. “It sounds like you’ve made quite the impression in Connecticut.”

Karen beamed. “He certainly has.”

Jim started to feel suffocated by the pressure of her hand intensifying on his back. He smiled weakly and excused himself from the table. Behind him, he heard his mother murmuring something about being ‘shy’.

***

He joined Jonathon on the couch after dessert, while Karen and his mother cleaned the kitchen. Though he had half heartedly offered to help, Karen told him that the ‘girls’ had it under control. Jim could tell his mother liked her. Any help in the kitchen was a blessing for a mother of two boys. 

“So.” Jonathon said, his eyebrows wagging in expectation.

“So?” Jim repeated, flipping to the football game. Detroit was losing, which wasn’t a surprise.

“I like Karen.”

It was a small declaration, one meant to broach a conversation Jim didn’t want to have.

“I do too,” Jim allowed, his eyes still trained on the television.

“Is it serious?”

“Uh…I don’t know.” He cast Jonathon a glance, coupled with a shrug. “It could be.”

“It could be?”

“Yeah. We’re just friends right now.”

Jonathon was quiet for a while and Jim assumed he was watching the game play out on the television when he spoke again. “You know, I haven’t seen you in months. Last time we talked, you were drunk and rambling on and on about you know who. Now you come home with a new girl that you’re just ‘friends’ with and you think it could be serious, but you haven’t made a move yet?” He shook his head. “What are you waiting for?” His voice lowered. “Pam? Pam is married, Jim. Its not gonna happen.”

Jim’s expression darkened. “I know that, Jon. But the reminder is a nice touch, thanks.”

“I’m serious. What are you waiting for? She’s hot. She’s obviously into you. She’s available. She’s perfect for you.”

“Is she?” Jim countered. He had been thinking the same thing all week. That she was perfect for him on paper. She inspired him to focus on work and it seemed to have gotten him a promotion. She interacted with his family and they loved her. She had a sense of humor that he could appreciate and she always seemed to get his jokes. But there was something missing, something organic that couldn’t be manufactured, no matter how hard she tried. And she was trying hard enough for the both of them.

Jonathon rolled his eyes. “Even if she’s not, you need to get back out there. Date around. Have some fun. You remember fun, right? It doesn’t include mooning over Pam.”

“I’m not mooning over Pam,” Jim retorted.

“No? Remind me again why you were in such a stellar mood when you got home the other night?”

Jim swallowed his reply when he realized he would be going down without a fight. He had made the mistake of admitting to Jonathon who he was with that night, when his bruised heart had shown transparently on his sleeve.

“Exactly. I don’t know what it is about her, Jim, but you turn into such a brooding sack of shit anytime you come into contact with her.”

“Eloquent.”

“Joke all you want. But I’m your brother. And I have to love you, so I want you to be happy. Go for it with Karen. Because a girl like that won’t be waiting around for you to get your shit together.”

Jonathon gave him a light punch to the shoulder and stood up, retreating upstairs for a post-Thanksgiving nap, leaving Jim to sit alone with his thoughts.

It had been almost four days since Pam had walked away from him that night at the school. He had longed to chase after her, to tell her that he was sorry, that he was wrong, that he would rather be her friend than be nothing. But then he knew he’d be stuck lapping up any extra bit of attention she would give him and he knew that it would have to be enough. He was tired of settling for scraps. He wanted more. And Pam couldn’t give it to him, so why shouldn’t he find someone who could? He wouldn’t have to look very far. Jonathon was right. Karen was beautiful and attainable and she very much wanted him. There was no misinterpreting that.

Karen was laughing at the story of Jim shooting Jonathon with a lawn dart when Jim came into the kitchen with a look on his face she had never seen before. It was the look she had been waiting for.

“Hey. You wanna get out of here?”

Pam numbly watched as Roy sliced the turkey, stopping briefly to grin over at her. The grin that used to make her heart drop into her toes, but now only made her feel trapped by her own choices.

They had a good week, she thought. No fighting. No arguments. Of course, when there was no real communication, it was easy to avoid the messiness that came with it. It wasn’t for lack of trying on Roy’s end. He really was trying to make it work. He started texting her in the middle of the day just to say he loved her. He brought home a bouquet of roses that she didn’t water and watched as they withered and died. He even offered to take her out to her favorite restaurant in Dunmore. It was as if he could sense her slipping away and was pulling out all the stops in order to pull her back to him.

And normally it would have worked. Normally, even the extra bit of care and attention bestowed upon her would have helped her snap out of her daydreams about a life unfulfilled. But now, it only seemed to draw her further into her cocoon of uncertainty.

She just felt empty inside.

It was the holidays. Her first as a married woman. The first where the subject of babies started to arise from her parents as they wistfully hoped that if it’s a girl, she was to have Pam’s talent and Roy’s charm.  The first where his family started hinting that they’d love it if their son was named after Roy’s great grandfather Walter, because he was sure to have the Anderson work ethic. The first where Roy turned to her with that look in his eye, that look that meant that ‘why shouldn’t we'? It was the next step, after all.

She felt like her life was slowly passing her by, minute by minute, without her.

All she could think was that it wasn’t right. This wasn’t right. This wasn’t what she wanted anymore. Maybe it was never what she wanted, though she knew that was a lie. There was a time when being married to Roy and the prospect of carrying his children was the only thing she dreamed about. Picking out engagement rings took the place of picking out the right kind of watercolors for her new project. Picking out the right house took the place of picking out the right college to go to. Wanting to make him happy took the place of wanting to make herself happy.

And it wasn’t on Roy. That was the disheartening part of it all. He never demanded she give up her dreams. He never forced her to put aside her aspirations or cajoled her into staying close to home for college instead of seeing the world. She did those things on her own, because she wanted so much to be with him, she lost sight of herself.

And now she was married. Married. And all she wanted to do was run away. It sickened her all the way down to her toes that those were always her only options: to stick in her heels or to hide from reality. Why couldn’t she just face that there was more she wanted out of life and go after it?

After dinner, she excused herself and went for a walk, heading nowhere. She didn’t know how long she walked or what she was walking towards, but she kept walking. Bitterly, she realized that was a metaphor for the state of her life. She had been with Roy so long…she didn’t know who she was without him. Even when another option came up to shake her shoulders and offer her another path, she stubbornly just…kept walking toward a future that wasn’t even hers any longer.

She spotted a couple leisurely strolling through the center of the park and she watched them. They were obviously in the beginning stages of dating, when there was the promise of permanent butterflies, kisses that never ended and the joy of unwrapping every new memory together. The shy glances from the beautiful woman, so sure of herself in every other way but the one as she leaned into the man, hoping for more. The delicate, almost cautious way the man slid his fingers over to take her hand within his, as if he were doing it for the first time and still wasn’t sure if he was doing it correctly. He stopped, his shaggy hair ruffling in the light breeze and leaned down to her for quite possibly their first kiss and Pam felt her heart splinter into a million pieces.

The kind of pieces that are jagged and sharp and are formed from taking someone’s heart in their hand and tenderly holding it before slamming it down on the concrete just to watch it break. Even the pieces splintered off, never to be found, never to be made whole.

The man looked up and let out a small laugh before his eyes found Pam and the laughter died. Along with so many other things. His hand tightened around the woman’s and they turned to walk away, leaving Pam there alone once more.

When she finally returned to her house, Thanksgiving was over and their families were long gone. She walked inside to find Roy watching television with the remote control in one hand and a beer in the other. His face lit up when he saw her.

“You’re home.”

Pam only nodded, watching as he turned off the tv and walked over to her. He squeezed her shoulder with his hand before continuing on to the kitchen. “Your mom told me to tell you to call her. And my dad wanted to apologize for leaving while you were gone, but they had to get back. And I…saved you this.”

He proudly produced a single piece of pumpkin pie, slathered in whipped crème.

“I know its your favorite and with the way everyone attacked your peach cobbler, I knew if I didn’t save you some, it would be gone. So.”

He rummaged around to find her a fork and she sat down to eat. It really was her favorite.

She cut a small bite and brought it to her lips. “I’m moving out.”

Pam ate her pie in silence.

***

She was sitting cross legged on the couch, watching him pace across their living room. The brown carpet was old and worn and hadn’t been steam cleaned in years. She really hated that carpet.

“You want a divorce?”

The shock in his voice almost pained her.

“Not a divorce,” she returned, pausing. “Not...yet. I don’t…I don’t know what I want yet, Roy. Just not this.”

Roy gaped at her. “Not this? What does that mean, not this?” He gestured wildly around the room, at the television that cost more than the art classes she wanted to take, at the painting on the wall that Roy bought thinking any art was good art, at the kitchen table that he had made by hand. Pieces of their life. “Of course you want this, Pammy. This was our plan. This is what you were waiting for.”

Pam was hit with a sudden jolt of self-pity. This? This was what she had been waiting for? All those years she waited for his ring, all those years she waited to set a date, all those years wasted wanting this.

“Are you pregnant?” Roy asked, his voice lowering. His eyes widened and his features slackened. “Is that what this is? Are you afraid I’m not ready for a kid? Pam, I’m ready. I am ready.”

“I’m not ready.” Her voice came out clear and loud, cutting any hope he had right off at the core. “All of this happened so fast.”

Anger started to seep out of him. “Fast? Pam, do you realize how stupid that sounds? We’ve been together for years. Years!” His voice thundered, but his face was still lined with confusion and hurt. At heart, he was still a little boy, wondering what he did wrong.

“Not…us. What I’m feeling. I don’t know when I started feeling like this.”

“Like what?”

Pam gazed at him sadly. “Like this isn’t enough for me anymore.”

His eyes began to water. “I’m not enough?”

Her head bowed. How could she answer that? Roy had been more than enough for so long. He had been everything. She wanted to sink to her knees in front of him and wrap her arms around him and comfort him. Make the pain go away.

But who would take away her pain?

“I’m not enough,” Pam whispered. “I don’t like who I am anymore.” Her voice cracked and her chin trembled violently. “I’ve been your girl for so long…I lost this big part of myself. I don’t draw anymore. I don’t have girl friends anymore. I don’t know where I went. But I want to find out. I need that.”

“I never asked you to stop any of those things,” Roy protested, allowing a fat tear to roll down his cheek before brushing it away with the back of his hand.

“I know. It just happened. I let it happen because all of those things that I loved became secondary to the things that you loved. And that…that’s on me. Not you.”

Roy shook his head, coming to sit beside her on the couch, careful not to touch her, afraid he might break her. “I don’t understand, Pam. I didn’t do anything wrong, but you’re still leaving me.”

“Are you happy, Roy?”

His face hardened. “Happy? Hell yes, I’m happy. I love you. Is this hard? Yes. I never expected it to be easy, but I expected it to be forever.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I just have to do this.”

“But…Okay. Okay. You do this. You…find yourself. But…You’re gonna come back, right? You’ll come back to me.”

He waited a long time for her to answer, but the only sound he heard after was the quiet shutting of the door.

Larissa hugged her son tight, pulling his lean frame close and pressing him against her with everything she had. “It was so good to have you home.”

The crowded airport was noisy from chatter and the rush of holiday travel. Jim waited patiently until his mother unwrapped herself from him to give her his patented lopsided grin. “I’ll be home in three weeks for Christmas, Mom.”

“I know that,” she swatted him across the chest lovingly. “It’s just hard to see you go. I like knowing you’re only a phone call away.”

Jim smirked. “I’m still a phone call away. I’m not launching into space.”

“Always the jokester,” she said wryly to Karen, who was watching the two with amusement. “I don’t know where he gets it.”

“From you!” Jim exclaimed, indignant. “Or was I imagining you trying to convince Jonathon that he was adopted?” He turned to Karen in his defense. “She created the papers and everything. It was wonderfully evil. I was so proud.”

“You were five,” Larissa retorted. “And it wasn’t that evil. He had it coming.”

“He was seven! The only thing he had coming was naptime!”

“What time is your flight again?”

Jim laughed. “Did you see that, Karen? We went from hugs and her baby boy to shooing me back to Connecticut.”

His mother’s expression changed for a moment before she shook her head at him. “Karen, would you mind running and getting me coffee for the drive back? This early morning chauffeur business is taking it out of me.” She fished out some bills from her wallet, but Karen waved her off.

“Please, let me. After taking me in for the week, it’s the very least I could do.”

Karen gave Jim a warm smile before walking away.

“Subtle enough,” Jim said suspiciously. “I suspect a mother-son chat is coming.”

“Do you think she knew I was trying to get rid of her?” Larissa fretted. “I didn’t mean it to be that obvious.”

“It wasn’t,” Jim assured, wrapping an arm around her shoulders as he guided her to a bench. “I just know you.”

She pushed a scraggly lock of hair off his forehead and sighed. “Yes you do. And you know that I’m trying really hard not to say what you know I want to say right now.”

“I’m not sure I followed that,” Jim teased before clasping his hands together in his lap. “I know you want me to come back.”

“I do. You know I do. You’re my baby. It was always different with Jonathon, you know. He never needed me for much of anything. He was always on his way out the door. You…You talked to me. I always had a finger on what was going on with you. But ever since you took that transfer last May, you’ve been a closed book.”

“Not closed,” Jim countered. “Just…not open.”

“When you left, you told me that you needed to find a way to be happy. I accepted that.”

Jim snorted. “You did not. You called me for a week straight telling me that I could always quit and come back and live at home. If I recall your exact words, you said ‘there’s no shame in quitting’, which I think is a direct contradiction to what dad said when I quit cross country in the 9th grade.”

“That is neither here nor there,” Larissa dismissed breezily. She peered at him closely. “Did you find it, Jim? Are you happy in Connecticut?”

“I don’t know, Mom,” Jim looked at his hands, slightly embarrassed. “I just know it was something I had to do.”

“Okay. I’ll stop pushing. It just came as a surprise to me, you know. One day, you were here, and the next week, you were gone. If you’re going to New York, I’d just like a little warning first. That’s all.”

“It may not be New York. There was talk of opening up a Dunder Mifflin branch in London.”

Larissa was horrified. “London? Jim -“

“I’m kidding. I’m kidding. Come on, you know me. I can’t move to another continent. They call their French fries chips. It’d be chaos.”

She began to breathe steadier. “Not funny.”

“Yeah, well. Consider that payback for telling me that I was actually born a hermaphrodite, but the doctor made you and dad ‘choose’.”

“That’s reaching back.”

“I was traumatized!”

They shared a small laugh.

“This Karen girl. Do you like her? I saw you too all cuddly this morning. She did sleep in the guest bedroom, didn’t she? Jim?”

The stern expression on her face made Jim smile. “Yes, mother. We aren’t…I don’t know what we are, but we aren’t that.”

“Yet.”

“Wow.” Jim felt his ears start to heat up.

“I like her.”

“Yeah. I can tell.”

“She’s trying really hard to impress you. She must have picked up on the fact that I’m your favorite, because she skipped over your dad completely in sucking up.”

Jim let out a chuckle. “You noticed that too, huh?”

“After one taste of her cookies, I knew she wasn’t what she appeared to be. But she was trying. For you.”

He nodded. “I know.

“Just promise me one thing.”

“Anything.”

“Be happy, Jim. It’ll make your total abandonment of me much easier to deal with.”

“You’re so good at that.”

“At what?”

“Emotional manipulation. You’re a pro. What can I even say to that?”

She grinned. “Say I love you too, Mom.”

“I love you too, Mom.”

“Good.” She kissed him on the forehead and then rubbed her lipstick off his skin. “Now go. Call me when you get there.”

“I will. And I’ll call you as soon as I decide where I’m going, okay?”

“You better. Or else I’ll give you back to that couple that left you on our doorstep.”

***

They were waiting for their luggage in Stamford when Jim’s cell phone began to ring, softly at first, then louder and louder until Karen poked at his pocket. His eyes widened at her brazen gesture.

“What?”

“Your phone. It’s going off. You don’t hear that?”

Jim took the I-pod bud out of his ear and shrugged with a smile. “Guess not. Thanks.”

He walked away to take the call, leaving Karen to watch the colorful luggage as it rounded terminal.

“Hello?”

“Jim? It’s Jan. From corporate.”

“Hi Jan. What’s up? How were your holidays?”

“Holidays? Oh yes. Thanksgiving. It was... I really wanted to call and give you an update on the situation with the branch closing and everything.”

Jim adjusted his messenger bag and waited. “I’m listening.”

“We’d like to offer you the position of Assistant Regional Manager in Scranton. You’ll be, of course, getting a pay raise for the promotion and a living allowance for the first few months while you get situated. You’ll be Michael’s number two in the office, so when he’s out on sales calls or on business, you’ll become acting regional manager of the branch. We’ve spoken to him about it and he’s on board. All we have to have is your okay to get the paper work started…Jim?”

“I’m here. Yeah, um…Hypothetically, if I were to look elsewhere. What else would be available to me?”

Jan sighed deeply, frustrated but trying to remain professional. “Uh, let’s see. The Albany branch is hiring in sales, which would be a step down for you. And the Camden branch is opening up to allow for some transfers, but it’s the same situation. No other branch can offer you what Scranton is, Jim. Salary increase, higher position, benefits and an extra bonus to start out and get you on your feet. I mean, it’s really a no brainer here. But its still up to you. We’d appreciate if we could get your decision by the end of the week so we could start the paperwork get you settled somewhere before Christmas. Can you do that?”

“Yeah. I can let you know by the end of the week.”

“Or sooner?”

“Yep. As soon as I decide.”

They said terse goodbyes and Jim snapped his phone shut. He turned back towards Karen, who was waiting with eyebrows raised. Her luggage was stacked neatly by her feet, ready to go.

“Ready to get out of here?” Jim asked, ignoring her questioning eyes as he picked up most of her luggage and started for the doors.

“Sure.” She waited a few seconds before clearing her throat. “Was that Jan?”

“Yeah. She offered me the Assistant Regional Manager job in Scranton.”

“That’s great! Do you think you’ll take it?”

“I don’t know yet. Still kind of up in the air. What about you?”

Karen bit her lip as they walked to Jim’s car, nestled in the center of the parking garage. “It kind of depends.”

Jim didn’t have to ask on what.

“You could really see yourself living in Scranton?” He asked suddenly.

“Yeah. I could. If I had to.”

“Yeah, but I mean…you don’t have to.” Jim opened the trunk and started piling her bags inside. “Jan told me earlier that Albany is accepting transfers for sales. Wouldn’t you be happier in New York?”

Karen stood her ground. “I could be happy in Scranton. Happiness doesn’t come from a job. A job is something you do. Happiness is what you make of everything else.”

“You could sew that on a decorative pillow and make millions,” Jim joked.

Karen boldly reached up and stroked his cheek. His body froze under her touch and his heart nearly stopped. Her eyes searched his for meaning and he hoped he was showing her what she wanted because he was too exhausted to conjure up answers he didn’t have.

“I like you, Jim. I think I could make you happy, if you let me.”

Jim swallowed hard. Her bluntness both scared him and exhilarated him. There was no way to misinterpret honesty and directness. There was no way to read her wrong when she was telling him what she wanted. The least he owed her was the truth in return.

“I don’t know what I can offer you right now, Karen.”

She smiled sweetly at him, her fingers drifting across his brow and into his hair, stroking his head gently. “All I’m asking is for a chance.”

“You’d follow me to Scranton for nothing more than a chance?”

“If I think you’re worth it, why not?”

Jim licked his lips. “There was someone else.”

She nodded. “I figured that. Is she still in the picture?”

He shook his head slowly.

Her lips turned up and her eyes closed, waiting for him, taking a chance that he would choose her. He leaned down and kissed her softly once, twice. Her eyes opened and she smiled.

Jim smiled too.

Pam was toweling off her hair when there was a light rapping on her door. She waded through the boxes and discarded clothes that littered her new apartment and opened the door to find her mother standing there, smiling brightly. In her arms she juggled a large cardboard box, a bag of what smelled like doughnuts and two cups of Starbucks coffee.

“Good morning!”

Pam groaned affectionately. “You are way too chipper for six am.” She reached over and took the box out of her hands before she dropped everything.

Debra Beesley wandered inside slowly, her sharp eyes surveying the inside of her daughter’s new living establishment. She didn’t speak until she hit the kitchen counter to drop off her loot and turned around with an approving nod. “I like it, Pam.”

“Yeah?” A slow smile spread over Pam’s face. “It’s small. But I’m trying to make it home.”

“Home, huh? Sounds pretty…permanent.”

Pam licked her lips nervously. She and her mom hadn’t really talked since Pam’s teary phone call that annoucned she was leaving Roy. Her mom had offered some stunned support and threw out words like ‘whatever makes you happy’ and ‘your dad and I love you’, but Pam wasn’t sure how her mom really felt.

“At least until I figure some things out…yeah. I’d like it to be as permanent as I need.”

Debra moved over some towels on the couch so she could sit down. “You know, when I told you father that you two were separating, he wasn’t very happy. And I don’t tell you that to make you feel guilty,” she warned as Pam’s features went slack and her eyes began to water. “So dry those eyes right now.”

Pam sat down beside her and tried to mentally stop her chin from quaking. “So why are you telling me?”

“I’m telling you because you’re father…is an idiot. And I say that with love. But he doesn’t see things. Like how miserable you were on Thanksgiving. You know, every time someone mentioned babies, your face…well, let me put it this way. It was not the face of a woman who was in love with her husband and wanted to start a family with him.”

“I love Roy,” Pam immediately protested.

“Yes, I know that. You love him, Pam. You probably always will.” She reached out and brushed some hair off her daughter’s face, a move that so reminded her of when Pam was a child and her cheeks were stained with tears and the only cure was the touch of a loving mother. And maybe some chocolate chip cookies. But there was no cure for what ailed her daughter right now. “But you’re not in love with him anymore. Are you?”

Pam looked away. “He didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I didn’t say he did. Sometimes people change. Or they grow apart. Or they want so badly for everything to be the way they planned that they lose sight of what they really want.”

“What I really want…” Pam repeated wistfully. Her mind drifted to thoughts she hadn’t truly entertained in years. Traveling the world. Painting on a terrace overlooking the Seine. Going back to school.

“I see your wheels turning,” her mom observed, slightly thrilled at seeing her daughter’s eyes light up, if even for a moment. “Roy wasn’t in any of those thoughts, was he?”

Pam sighed, rubbing her temples. “He’s such a good man, Mom. He’s hardworking. He’s loyal. He really really loves me.” Her nose burned as tears collected behind her eyes, moistening her lashes.

“What you feel for him right now, Pam? That’s guilt and pity. Its not love. And it’s not fair to Roy to stay with him because it’ll break his heart to leave him.”

“God.” Pam buried her head into her hands. “How did I let it get this far?”

“Honestly? I don’t know. I thought for sure I would have to be one of those mother’s who mailed out those ‘sorry, those crazy kids called it off’ letters to everyone I know. It would have been a hassle, sure. But I was ready to do it.”

“What? When did you think that?”

“I was there in those weeks before the wedding, Pam. I was there when you tried on your dress. I’d never seen a more depressed looking bride-to-be. I was there when we made the party favors. You ate more of the chocolate than you put into the bags. I was there at your showers. Honey, when they asked you to tell everyone why you loved Roy, you told them that he fixes things around the house.”

Pam let out a small laugh, one brought on by near hysteria.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

Debra gave her a look. “Would it have made a difference?”

“It might have.”

“If Jim couldn’t make a difference, nothing I would have said would have either.”

Debra watched as Pam’s head jerked up at his name, her eyes growing wide with alarm. “Jim...?”

“I remember getting a phone call from you last May…”

Pam felt her chest tighten and had to force herself to exhale. Inhale. Exhale. She had forgotten that phone call. She always kept that night buried deep, in the private parts of her soul, a secret just between them.

“And that wasn’t the first time I suspected something going on between you two.”

“Nothing was –“

“Oh, I don’t mean in the conventional sense. I know you weren’t having an affair, Pam. Not physically. But you got something from him that Roy didn’t give you. Maybe something Roy couldn't give you. Something you didn't even know you needed until it was gone. Do you know how often his name would come up in our conversations? You called me one night at midnight just to tell me that you had put some poor man’s desk in the bathroom. It had taken you two all night long. It was always Jim this and Jim that. Why did you think I wanted to meet him last year when I came to visit? He was such an important part of your life, I thought I deserved an introduction. Even though I’m not quite sure how making a man take his business calls by a urinal is all that appropriate.”

“Dwight deserved it,” Pam offered meekly.

“You said that, too. You know what else you said?”

Pam didn’t answer. She didn't have to.

“You said he was your best friend. You said you could tell him anything. You said he wanted you to take some graphic design internship you were so interested in. The one you told me you weren’t going to take after all because it wasn’t practical, which I’m guessing weren’t your words. And you told me that he said he was in love with you.”

They had never talked about that night or that late night phone call. After Pam hung up, Debra waited by the phone for hours, but it never came. The next time she spoke to her daughter, it was to get directions to the bridal shop where her dress was waiting to be picked up. For the wedding. That was still going to happen, through hell or high water or untimely declarations of love.

Pam stood up, waving her arms. “Stop it. I don’t – I can’t talk about…just. I have to go to work.”

Debra stood up with a heavy sigh. “Okay. I made a two hour drive just so I could be kicked out. I understand.”

“Mom…”

“I know. Call me later. Eat those doughnuts. You're too thin. And I love you.”

“I love you too.”

***

Pam pulled into work and frowned when she saw that Roy’s truck was still on, with smoke billowing out of the exhaust as he waited. She licked her lips and trudged across the parking lot, waiting to hear the expected slam of the door and crunch of gravel as he scurried after her. It had been the same routine for a week straight, ever since she’d moved out.

“Pam. Pammy, wait up.”

She bit back a sigh and turned around. “Hey.” Her eyes squinted into the sun until his burly form filled her eyesight.

“Hey. Hey are you?”

She was already nodding, anticipating the same question as every morning. “I’m good. Mom came over this morning to drop some stuff by.”

“What kind of stuff?”

“I don’t know, I haven’t checked yet. Some box. I think she just wanted an excuse to drive down and talk to me in person.”

Roy’s smile had a smidgen of smugness to it as he nodded knowingly.  “Yeah, I figured.”

Pam stopped in her tracks. “You figured what? That she’d come by?”

“Well, yeah. I mean, she’s your mom. I knew she’d have something to say about all of this”

“And…you figured she would try to talk some sense into me, is that it?”

Roy looked confused by the thinly veiled anger lacing her voice. “I didn’t mean it like that, but…come on, Pam. We haven’t been married six months and you move out on me. Your mom had to have had something to say about that.”

“She did. She told me…” Pam cut herself off, feeling her indignation fade as she stared into his eyes, the ones that held out so much hope that maybe, maybe today she’d come home. “She just told me she was there if I needed someone to talk to.”

They walked in silence into the building. Roy pushed the elevator button and the doors shifted open. Pam felt the walls closing in on her as Roy clenched his hands into fists, a sure sign he was working up the nerve to say something to her. Usually they appeared when he was working up the courage to ask permission to break their plans so he could go out with his friends. Yeah, she knew those fists well.

“Hey, listen. I know you’re taking this time to figure things out and whatever. But I was hoping we could meet later tonight for some dinner. Just to, you know, catch up.” His voice softened. “I miss you.”

The doors opened and Pam quickly stepped out, with Roy hot on her heels. He walked her into the office and waited expectantly behind the counter at reception while she situated herself.

“I mean, it’s been a week, since…you know.”

“I know. I just think it’s probably best if we don’t…right now. Like you said, it’s only been a week. I just need time, you know. Please.”

Roy nods, feigning understanding but she knew the darkness behind his blue eyes told another story. One of impatience and embarrassment and hurt. He gave her a silent parting wave and left the office, leaving her to finally exhale.

“Paaaaaaaaam!”

She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, feeling a headache forming in her temples. “Good morning, Michael.”

“It is a good morning! I take it you’ve heard the great news? Its stupendous news, really. Its out of this world. Its-”

Dwight made a snorting sound from across the room. “I would hardly classify the news as great. It’s a disgrace to this company to allow such a deviant back within our midst.”

Pam tilted her head to the side. “What? What news? What…deviant?”

The door crashed open and Jan flew inside at a brisk pace, her hair streaking behind her. “Michael. Can we get this over with please? I don’t want to be here all day.”

Michael extended his arm towards his office. “My humble abode awaits.” He snickered as a mental 'that's what she said' formed in his thoughts.

Jan rolled her eyes and walked stiffly by him, muttering a tired “Oh, God” as she disappeared within the confines of his office.

“Michael, wait,” Pam tried to interrupt, but he had already shut his door and ceremoniously closed the blinds.

She shook her head and tried to squelch her curiosity. Roy’s offer of dinner still swam in her thoughts and the longer she thought about it, the guiltier she felt for turning him down. It wasn’t as though she had any other plans for the evening. Ever since the separation, she just sat at home with a carton of take out and watched television.

Pam’s mouth twisted into a grimace as she suddenly turned on herself. She had left Roy, abandoned her husband and her marriage, to find herself. Find herself. The corny cliché mocked her incessantly until she felt like she was going to scream.

She had made the decision to make the most out of her life. To do something. To be something. All she was making the most out of was Chinese take-out and sappy chick flicks on TBS.

With a determined click of her fingers, Pam looked up the website to the city civic center and perused their list of community outreach programs. She peered closely at their selection until she found one that made her scowl turn upwards into a hesitant smile. Watercolor classes were given at the center every Tuesday and Thursday night and Charcoal classes were every Monday and Wednesday.

She signed up for both.

Baby steps, she knew, with a surge of satisfaction rising inside her. But it was a start.

***

Despite her desire for the contrary, Jan was holed up in Michael’s office for the rest of the afternoon completing some sort of paperwork. At ten til five, Pam turned off her computer and reached for her jacket, finally hearing the door open and a harried Jan step out.

“Long day?” she asked with a knowing grin.

Jan just shot her a withering look, refusing to state the obvious.

“What’s going on anyways?” Pam tried to sound nonchalant but she watched Jan carefully out of her peripherals. “Michael seemed excited.”

“He is very excited,” Jan concurred with an exasperated rub of her forehead. “And a very excited Michael makes a very distracted Michael, and this paperwork needed to be at Corporate by three in order to make the transfers go as smoothly as possible. Now I’m going to be there all night making sure everyone can still start on Monday like planned without any complications, which makes it very difficult considering my boss is leaving in one hour and it takes me two hours to get back to New York, and that’s not including traffic.”

“How many transfers are coming?” Pam felt the need to ask, though she knew there was only one name she wanted to hear, and he was one who had made it clear he would be staying as far away from her as possible.

“Four, including Jim. Which, I have to say, is the only bright spot to this disaster. I thought we had everything under control and then Josh threw a wrench into everything and we had to re-format the direction of the company and bring people here when that was not what we wanted at all. But maybe, you know, maybe Jim will be able to reign in Michael more now. I don’t know, we’ll see. But its going to be a disaster, I just know it. How can it not be?” Jan laughed maniacally as she walked out of the door and practically punched the down arrow for the next elevator.

Pam followed her out, nodding her head methodically with a fixed expression on her face, but she didn’t hear anything Jan had said after Jim.

Jim was coming back.

Jim knotted his tie and adjusted his collar around the looped material. It was his favorite one and he felt he needed a little bit of luck today. It was Monday and he was back in Scranton, getting ready for his first day back at Dunder Mifflin  He felt nervous, like it was the first day of school and he was seeing his friends for the first time since spring. Would he still be the cool kid on campus? Would his friends still treat him the same? Would the pretty girl he had a crush on notice he was alive?

Jim snapped out of his pathetic reverie. It wasn’t high school. He wasn’t a kid and this wasn’t a reunion. It was work and he was going to treat it like such, for the first time in his life. No more trips to reception for a handful of candy beans, no more conference room amusements, no more break room games of jinx. He was going to take his job seriously because that’s what he came back for. Not for anything or anyone, but for the money, the position, the advancement in her career. He was going to make something of himself, even if it killed him.

He thought of his father’s heart attack three years ago from job related stress and runs to the fast food joint in between meetings and worried that it might actually do just that.

Jim got into his new car, paid for by Dunder Mifflin as a thank you for agreeing to return to Scranton to take on a job described behind closed doors as ‘unsavory’ and pulled out of his drive. He had rented a small house on the edge of town until something more permanent made itself available. Mark had moved in with his girlfriend and he refused to live at home with his parents, so Jim was once again living alone. And surprisingly, he enjoyed it. He liked the quaint yard that came with a bird feeder in back and porch swing that was left behind by the last tenant. It was quiet and comfy and felt like a new beginning.

They had decided to meet that morning at the Denny’s near the highway for a quick breakfast and a much needed run-down on all the employees she was set to meet at Dunder Mifflin that day. Jim found that to be an agreeable task and found himself to be smiling when he walked inside the diner and found her grinning at him inside a booth in the corner.

“Good morning,” Jim greeted, sliding into the other side of the booth.

“Good morning to you too,” she beamed. “You look great. I like that tie. Its vintage looking.”

Jim frowned, holding up the end of his brown tie. “Vintage? Its only two years old.”

Karen laughed. “It looks like a hand-me-down from your grandfather. Look, its fraying on the ends.”

“I wear it a lot,” Jim defended, half serious. “It’s my lucky tie.”

Karen’s brows raised. “Ooh. I didn’t know you needed luck.”

“I don’t. I’m wearing it for you. You’ve never met Michael Scott.”

Karen sat up straighter. “No, I haven’t. Which is why you’re here. Now give me the run down. How crazy is he? Cause I’ve heard stories but there is just no way…no way that he can be that bad.”

“Oh but he can,” Jim replied ruefully. “Tell me what you’ve heard and I’ll let you know if its fact or fiction.”

“Okay. Is it true that he tried to form a union with the warehouse workers?”

“That is fact. Yeah, that was actually an interesting day. Jan had insisted on having a meeting with just the women of the office to talk about their hopes and dreams-“

“Oh yeah, we had that,” Karen interrupted. “She just asked us what we wanted to do with our lives. I was thinking…uh, what do you think, lady?” She laughed. “Why would I be working in sales if I didn’t want to do sales?”

Jim cocked his head to the side, blinking rapidly. “Yeah. I know, right?” His words sounded hollow. “Anyways, Michael took great offense to this and started his own meeting with just the guys. He took us down to the warehouse for some male bonding. Issues of pay came up and one of the foreman started talking about a union, and so to fit in, Michael agreed to bring it up to Jan, who firmly shot it down like that.” Jim snapped his fingers.

“Wow. Okay. What about…the blow up doll. Tell me that’s not true.”

“Oh that’s very much fact. It was part of a sexual harassment awareness thing Toby was forced to do that Michael took over.”

“Did he really cause someone to drown during a motivational seminar?”

“That is fiction,” Jim said. “Yeah, a man jumped off the ship because Michael said it was sinking. But he didn’t drown. He came down with hypothermia, I believe. But he didn’t drown.”

Karen shook her head. “I used to hear those stories and tell people that they couldn’t pay me to work here. And now look at me.” She smiled over at him, her eyes shining.

Jim shifted uncomfortably. “Now you’re part of the madhouse.”

“We'll see about that. Okay, who else is there?”

Over the next thirty minutes, Jim gave her the brief rundown on nearly everyone in the office, from the bizarre (Creed) to the sickeningly sweet (Phyllis) to the downright crazy (Kelly). When he was finished, Karen looked a cross between curious and overwhelmed.

“And there you have it. Dunder Mifflin Scranton.” Jim splayed his hands out on the table and gave her a lopsided shrug.

“You forgot the most important person!” Karen reminded him.

“Who's that?”

“The person who holds the key to every office. The receptionist. Please tell me she’s normal. We had one back in Stamford before you got there that thought she was a witch. I’m not kidding. She wore this vial of blood around her neck, like she was Angelina Jolie or something.”

“Oh. Right.” Jim suddenly found his nails fascinating. “You already met her. At the airport. Pam?”

Karen’s expression turns dour. “The girl at the airport? That’s her? I know you said she worked with you, but I figured she worked in like…accounting or something.” Her tone dripped with disdain.

“No. Nope. That was her.”

She leaned forward with a dubious look on her face. “I meant to ask you about all that. That was weird, right? Her showing up like that instead of the woman you told me about? And the way she kept looking at me, like I had three heads or something?”

Jim cleared his throat, uneasy. “No, Pam, she just…Phyllis couldn’t make it and Pam wasn’t sure…Um, no Pam is pretty cool. She is practically the only other sane person around that place. We, uh, we were pretty good friends.”

“Were friends?” Karen pounced, oblivious to his discomfort.

“We still are,” Jim corrected hastily, his eyes darting around before finally settling again on Karen’s face. “We just didn’t really keep in touch while I was gone, so it was kind of awkward seeing her like that.”

“Well.” Karen sat back with her arms folded. “If I didn’t know she was married, I’d think she had a crush on you.” She smirked teasingly while she reached over and rubbed his hand.

Jim felt the knife twist just a little deeper.

“You ready?”

Jim nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He left a wad of bills on the table and walked behind Karen out the doors. He felt his anxiety spread with each step he took, as though he were walking the Dead Man’s Walk.

At this point, being put out of his misery sounded like sweet release.

***

Pam curled the last strand of hair and placed it delicately over her shoulder. It was finally Monday. She didn’t think it would ever get here.

She had taken extra care in her appearance that morning, even going through great lengths to wake up earlier than normal, straighten her hair to erase the uncontrollable curls and then re-curl fat waves back in. It was a tedious process, but with every passing minute, she knew it would bring her closer to seeing Jim again.

It was as though she’d erased the last memory she had of him, deciding instead to conjure up a moment where they’d parted on good terms instead of her stalking off into the night after being rejected of the friendship she had so taken for granted. If she thought about that night, if she thought about the expression of pure pain that covered his features when she told him she missed him, she would have no choice but to crawl into a hole and die.

Being positive and firmly in denial was much more productive.

She didn’t know why he had decided to come back to Scranton, but that didn’t matter to her now. All that mattered was that through some sort of miracle, he was back. She had anther chance to make things right.

Pam got to work a little early that morning. As part of the Party Planning Committee, she offered to be the one to set up the tables and chairs for the Integration Celebration Michael had orchestrated for that afternoon. She pulled into the Dunder Mifflin parking lot and audibly groaned at the sight of Roy’s truck already there, lights on, exhaust puffing.

She got out of the car and counted the seconds until she heard his voice calling out for her.

“Pam. Pammy, wait up!”

She turned around and watched his face register in surprise.

“Wow, Pam. You look…Did you do something different to your hair?”

“I just had a little extra time on my hands this morning, so I thought I’d play with it.” She fingered her curls self-consciously.

“Well it looks…wow.”

“Thank you.” She kept her tone formal and polite, not wanting to give him any reason to jump to conclusions.

“I wanted to talk to you about Christmas. Are we still planning on going to my folks? Or are your parents coming back? I know they said they might go to your brother’s in Jersey, but either way, let them know they are welcome at Mom and Dad’s.”

Pam swallowed hard. “Christmas? Roy…I…”

His face fell. “What? We’re still having Christmas together, right?”

Her head shook slightly, almost imperceptively. “I don’t-“

“Pam, come on. You can’t do this to me.”

“I’m not trying to hurt you, Roy. But surely you’re parents understand we’re going through a separation right now. I doubt that they’d even want me there.”

“Of course they want you there,” Roy protested, his voice growing more heated. “You’re family.”

Pam blinked. “Roy. Do they know? Have you told them that I moved out? That we’re separated?”

Roy clenched his jaw and stared at the ground. Pam let out a deep breath.

“Roy.”

“I can’t tell them, Pammy. I just can’t. They’ve been married for thirty years. How can I tell them that I failed?”

Pam’s heart ached with shame. “You didn’t fail.”

“Yes I did. You left me. Whatever we have isn’t enough.” He leveled her words back to her in accusation.

She buried her face in her hands, exhaling loudly. “I’ve made such a mess out of things,” she murmured. “If I would have just…done this sooner.”

“Sooner?” Roy’s voice cracked. “How would that have helped? Our marriage would still be…wait.”

Pam’s heart stopped and she felt a hot flush rush down her body. She dared to look up at his face, which was slowly hardening in realization.

“Wait a minute. Wait a god damn minute, Pam. What the hell are you saying? You had these kind of thoughts before the wedding?”

“I had cold feet,” Pam tried to explain, her voice reaching a higher pitch of panic. “I thought it was just nerves. But they never went away.”

The sounds of two car door slamming cut off his reply. Roy turned to see who was coming up the walk and he moved closer to Pam.

“Halpert. Welcome back.”

Pam closed her eyes and wanted to sink to the ground. Roy put his arm around her shoulders and stuck out his hand in way of greeting. When Pam opened her eyes, she saw Jim approaching, his expression guarded, with Karen at his side.

Jim reluctantly shook Roy’s hand, glancing briefly in Pam’s direction. She tried to read his eyes but his wall was built high.

“Hi. I’m Karen.” She pumped Roy’s hand professionally three times, a questioning look adorning her face.

“Roy Anderson. I’m Pam’s husband.” The emphasis was not lost on Pam nor Jim, both assuming the significance placed was for themselves.

Karen turned her smile to Pam. “Pam. Nice to see you again.”

Roy was confused. “Again?"

Pam’s breath was strangled in her throat.

“Yeah. Pam picked Jim and me up from the airport over Thanksgiving.”

Jim watched as Pam squirmed under Roy’s baffled stare. “When was that?”

“We’re gonna head inside,” Jim spoke up, nudging Karen with his elbow. “Good to, uh, see you again Roy. Pam.”

Pam nodded, keeping her eyes straight ahead as they walked by. She tried to wait until they were gone but when she turned around to face Roy, she caught the metal doors of the elevator sliding closed and Karen’s small hand comfortably enclosed within Jim’s larger one. Blood rushed to her ears. In all the way she imagined this day going, that was not on her list. So much for optimism and denial.

Roy was talking and Pam felt herself bubbling up with annoyance.

“When was that?” he had repeated.

“Phyllis couldn’t make it to pick them up,” she stated plainly as though it cleared up everything. “I have to go, Roy.”

“Wait. When are we going to finish talking? Don’t you think we hit on some pretty important stuff before?"

Pam shook her head, her mind filled with slim fingers and squeezing hands and sweaty palms. “Not today. Later, though. Okay?” She was being so unfair and so needlessly cruel. What was the matter with her? He just wanted some answers. He deserved that.

“Pam. Please.”

“I’ll call you.” She hurried through the lobby and pressed the arrow hard, over and over and over again until it opened. The weak smile she offered to Roy as he watched her go wasn’t enough to push the dazed expression off his face.

***

Pam shook another strangers hand, the same tight smile fixed to her lips. “Pam Beesley. I’m the receptionist. Nice to meet you.”

“Andrew Bernard. I’m the salesman. Nice to meet you.”

He kept talking and her eyes began to wander. They found Jim as he was talking to Kevin and Oscar. He was laughing, a strained laugh that was all too familiar. She saw him politely excuse himself and stride quickly into the break room. This was her chance.

“It was nice to meet you,” she repeated and cut him off in mid-ramble. Something about the cornet or getting in trouble. She really didn’t care. Her feet moved as if of their own volition and she soon found herself only mere feet away from him. He heard someone behind him and didn’t have to turn around to know who it was.

“Do you realize who you were talking to back there?”

Pam faltered. She hadn’t been expecting direct communication. “Who? Andrew?”

Jim turned with a half smirk. “That’s the one I told you about.”

She felt the weight start to lift ever so slightly off her shoulders. “The one who kicks trash cans?”

He nodded, holding his bottle of water so tightly, his knuckles were turning white. “The one and only.”

“Thanks for the heads up.”

“No problem.” He threw her a quick smile and started to shuffle past her when she spoke up.

“Jim?”

He hesitated and she heard the breath catch in his throat. He didn’t reply but he was listening and that was all she needed.

“I was wondering…if you wanted to get coffee later. With me. Please.”

Her last word warbled ever so slightly and was filled with enough fear that Jim knew her asking took more guts than he figured she was capable of.

"Okay."

Jim knocked lightly on Room 224 of the Clarion Inn and waited for Karen to let him in.

“Hey stranger.” Her voice was husky and filled with innuendo. She had quickly changed from her work power suit and into small shorts and a tank top, despite the light flurries that were slowly drifting to the ground outside.

“Hey.”

She reached up to grab his tie and pulled him into her suite. He felt the material close in on his throat and what was supposed to be a sexy maneuver soon began to choke him, in more ways than the one.

“What took you so long?” She breathed, stepping up on her tip toes to pull him into a lingering kiss.

Jim kissed her back because it was what was expected of him, but he was rapidly becoming confused by her overly aggressive behavior. They’d been officially seeing each other every since the parking garage at the airport when she’d decided to move to Scranton (because of him, which was never implicitly stated nor overtly denied) but he was enjoying the rather slow pace of their relationship. He should have known a woman like Karen wouldn't want to wait long, nor would she be shy about her intentions.

“Traffic,” Jim broke off their embrace to say, disengaging herself from her arms. He loosened his tie around his neck and surveyed the room. “Nice place they hooked you up with here, Filappelli.”

Karen was breathless and disappointed. “Yeah. It’s not bad. I can’t wait til I can start looking for an actual place. I’m actually not a big fan of hotels.”

Jim peered at her closely. “Is this movie related or childhood related?”

She laughed, reaching for him. He was so adorable with remnants of her lipstick smeared across his lips. She kissed his jaw and ran her arms up his chest. “Childhood related, though The Shining did petrify me.”

“Oh, that’s right,” Jim snapped his fingers in mock realization. “You’re dad was a GI, so I bet you guys moved around a lot, huh?”

Karen pulled back and glared at him. “That’s not funny. You told me he was crazy, not racist.”

Jim’s brow crinkled in confusion. “Racist? I don’t think Michael’s racist, I just think he’s…stupid.”

“Stupidity is one thing. Asking me if my father was a GI because I look ‘exotic’?”

“He doesn’t know any better,” Jim defended, surprising himself. “Look, Michael is a lot of things. But purposefully hurtful is not one of them. If he knew he hurt your feelings, he would have taken you to Hooters to make it up to you.”

Karen blanched. “Hooters? How would that-“

“It doesn’t matter. It’s just his way.”

She waved him off. “You know what, forget it. I really didn’t want to spend my evening discussing Michael.” She replaced her long around his neck and pulled him in for a kiss. “I had much more interesting plans for the night.”

Jim kissed her back until her hand started to gently unbutton the top button of his shirt. “Oh did you now?” He joked lightly, easing her prying fingers away.

“I did. And you happen to figure prominently into those plans.”

“Me? I was kind of getting the feeling you wanted me to leave.”

Karen laughed. “Oh no.” Her eyes were half-lidded. “I most definitely want you to stay.”

“Well, I’m going to have to take a rain check,” Jim apologetically told her, watching in perverse interest as her face fell. It was bizarre having such immediate control over another person’s happiness.

“What? Why?”

“I, um…I told Pam that I’d go grab a cup of coffee with her?”

Even as he said it, he was kicking himself. Here he had this beautiful, desirable, available woman practically tearing his clothes off for a chance to be with him and he was leaving her for a married woman who had taken his heart and made ground beef with it. He didn’t know what possessed him to agree to her coffee request. For all he knew, Roy would be joining them. The thought made him nauseous.

Pam was a drug to him, Jim decided wearily. And he had to kick her eventually. He just needed one more quick fix. The way they left things last time…he couldn’t have that be the end of them. They deserved better than harsh words, bitter tears and a cold goodbye.

Karen shrugged. “Okay. I could go for some coffee. Is her husband coming? He was kind of cute, in a big, burly sort of way. They look adorable together.”

Jim bit his tongue. “Um. No, I don’t think Roy will be there. Actually, I kind of think Pam wanted us to catch up on old times?”

He didn’t know why he kept phrasing everything as a question, like he was asking her permission, asking if it was okay. Maybe because he was.

“Oh.” Karen blinked, hurt. “Okay. Well…have fun. You want to come over and catch a movie on HBO later? Maybe order some pizza?”

“Probably not tonight. I’ll probably just head home. But I can pick you up tomorrow morning for work, if you’d like. Then we can grab some dinner, make a night out of it? Sound good?”

Her lips turned up, but the sparkle was gone from her eyes. “Yeah, that sounds good. I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

He bent down to kiss her, cupping her cheek with his hand. He knew she loved that. It made her feel special, possessed.

It made him feel like an asshole.

***

Jim walked into the coffee shop and glanced around, hoping she was still there. He knew he was late. He kind of did it on purpose.

He finally spotted her by the window, her chin propped up by her fist as she looked outside. Her expression was sad, resigned. She checked her watch and closed her eyes when the hands told her what she didn’t want to know. He wasn’t coming.

Pam gathered her purse in her hands and stood up, straightening her gray skirt with her fingertips. Jim smiled for no reason other than she looked beautiful and delicate and soft. He started to walk towards her and watched as her eyes shifted up to see him, hating himself for loving the way she lit up from the inside.

“You came.”

Her words came out in a breath of relief and hope. Her shoulders sagged and her lips stretched into a broad smile.

“I came.”

“I’m glad. I was worried you changed your mind.”

Jim let Pam sit back down first, resisting the urge to guide her into the booth with his hand. He took the seat opposite of her and tapped his fingers lightly on the Formica.

“No. I didn’t change my mind.” There was an awkward, expectant pause between them. Her eyes never left his face and it jarred him into rambling onward. “I, uh…I didn’t like how we left things last time.”

“Me either.” She was quick to agree. Her expression was serious and her cheeks were rosy and it was hard to look away. He focused instead on the way her small fingers were shredding a paper napkin into tiny bits of snow.

“I know you’re probably wondering why I came back when I told you I wasn’t going to.”

She licked her lips and shifted in her seat to sit up straighter. “I don’t care.”

“Wow,” Jim had to laugh. “Okay.”

Her lips parted in an embarrassed smile, her teeth showing through white against the dark green scarf still wrapped around her neck. “I mean…Just. I’m glad you’re back, whatever the reason.”

Jim nodded. “About before...I'm really-”

“I moved out.”

The words were out of her mouth before she could think enough to stop them. Her lashes fluttered onto her cheek as she cursed herself, but as she peered up into his stunned expression, part of her was glad to have gotten it over with. He needed to know. It might make a difference. It might make all the difference in the world.

Jim felt the blood pouring into his ears, blocking out noise and colors and shapes. The image of Pam blurred in front of him as he tried to process her words.

“What?”

Pam swallowed. “I left Roy.” She watched him carefully, boldly. He started to grow hot under her heated gaze.

“Um…Sorry, you just…caught me off guard.” His eyes lifted to her face, his features hard. “Why?”

“I wasn’t happy. I haven’t been for a long time.”

Jim let the breath he was holding rush out of his mouth as he ran his hand through his mop of hair. “What did Roy say?”

Pam rolled her lips inward for a moment, wincing involuntarily at the mention of her husband. “He doesn’t understand.”

Jim’s face could easily be read as ‘of course not’, so Pam surged ahead in his defense. “I don’t blame him. I’m kind of a mess right now.”

His eyes darkened and Pam was almost certain his cheeks might crack with the way he was clenching his jaw. He looked shocked and angry and wary, even a little impressed. But mostly he just looked tired.

He waged an inward battle on himself, feeling that old familiar tug in his chest. The walls he’d so vigilantly constructed around his heart were supposed to be unbendable, having earned enough battle scars from past wars to know how to defend itself. But here she was, tearing down brick after brick, trying desperately to open the old wounds again. Wounds that still bled in the wake of a long dormant memory, that still ached at the sight of a random cardigan sweater, that still scabbed over just enough so that the reminder was always there, tender and raw around the edges. It wasn’t fair.

“Why are you telling me this, Pam?”

Pam was used to being confronted on her uncertainty, but this time she came prepared. “You asked me once if I was fine with my choices. It took me a long time to realize that I wasn’t.” Her eyes penetrated through his soul with their intensity.

Jim had to look away. “Well, um. I-I’m…I don’t know what I’m supposed to say here, Pam.” He shook his head. “I mean…When?”

“On Thanksgiving.”

“Thanksgiving Day?” He was incredulous. “You really know how to spread holiday cheer.”

It wasn’t funny – not really. But she laughed. She laughed so hard, it hurt. It felt good. The tension eased around them and Pam felt lighter than she had in weeks “I don’t know. It’s hard to explain.”

“Try.”

Pam was silent for a long time. Jim waited. He would wait as long as she needed. Finally, she cleared her throat and tried to piece together her jumbled thoughts.

“Do you remember living at home? With your parents?”

“Yeah.”

“When you were a kid, it was home because you felt safe there. You were dependant on your parents to protect you and support you. But when you started to get older, you realized you had to do things on your own. And your home became this place you needed to leave in order to truly grow up. I never left home, Jim. I went from my parent’s house to Roy’s house. I’ve never been on my own.” She frowned unhappily. “This isn’t coming out right. I’m not making any sense.”

“No, you are. I get what you’re saying.”

Pam felt warmth spread to her toes. She believed him.

“I know it sounds really selfish of me to do this now, but I’m just afraid if I never do it, I’ll never know. And I might regret it for the rest of my life. I have to know if there’s more for me out there.”

“More than Dunder Mifflin? I don’t know. Those are some lofty expectations.” His teasing smile made her feel like she could float on thin air if he simply believed she could.

“I signed up for art classes.”

“Yeah? What kind?”

“Watercolor and charcoal. The classes start the week after Christmas, so... I’m really excited.”

“Good. That’s…really good, Pam.”

“Yeah. I’m hoping to learn a lot. They have a few art shows a year. I’m hoping some of mine will be selected. Maybe you could come?”

“Maybe I will.” Jim smiled. “I’m happy for you Pam. It sounds like you know what you want.”

She nodded, her expression turning somber. “I’m starting to.”

The electricity crackled over the tabletop. Jim opened his mouth, spurned on by her words of hope and her newfound honesty. “Listen. I was –“

His cell phone beeped loudly in his pocket. His head ducked down instantly to silence the intruding noise and he pulled it out to check the message.

He sighed.

“Karen?” Pam guessed, trying to hide the disappointment in her voice though it was evident.

“Yeah.”

Pam nodded vigorously, perhaps a little too many times. “She’s nice,” she offered weakly. “I like her.”

“Yeah. She’s great.”

His voice was dull and lifeless, feeling drained from the inside out.

“I guess I’m going to head home. I’m still unpacking my things. My apartment is a mess. It’s driving me crazy.”

“Alright. Thanks for the coffee.”

She tilted her head to the side. “You staying?”

“Yeah. For just a minute.” He was lost in his thoughts and he needed to find a way out of them to find his way home. He just wished he knew which way to turn, what path to choose, how long he had to travel until he could finally find some fucking peace.

Pam started to leave, then turned back around. She stared at his dark, unruly hair and the slight curls that formed at the nape of his neck. She could hear his sharp inhale of breath as he sensed her presence and waited for her to say whatever it was that she was about to say.

When she was long gone, he could still hear her soft whisper as hot liquid pooled behind his eyes.

“Welcome home, Jim.”

Damn her.

“Jim Halpert.”

“I’m so horny.”

Jim sat up straight in his chair before turning to stare at Andy, who was facing the opposite direction with the phone pressed to his ear, as though he hadn’t just said something completely disturbing.

“Okay…I can’t help you…with that.”

“Oh, I think you can, Big Tuna.” Andy then swiveled around to face Jim, his eyebrows raised in anticipation. “Tell me about that Indian chick. Kelly? She seems pretty slutty, good for a romp in the sack.”

“She is dating Ryan, I think.”

“Oh. And. I. Care. Why?”

“She’s high maintenance.”

“Neeext. How ‘bout…”

Jim followed Andy’s line of vision as he watched Meredith stroll by. “Listen, Andy. I’m really swamped over here so-“

“How about…” His voice disappeared and Jim looked over once more to see him mouthing the name ‘Angela’. “Blondes are more fun. Come on, trust me on that.”

“Yeah. Trust me. That would be fun for no one.”

“Okay fine.”

“Okay.” Jim started to put the phone down when he heard Andy say her name.

“Pam. What about Pam, the receptionist?”

Jim cleared his throat, his brain starting to slowly activate with ideas and schemes. He fought back the smirk forming on his lips and forced himself to be an adult, for once. “Uh, she’s married.”

Andy snorted. “Says who? There is no ring on that finger, my friend. Trust me, I checked.”

Jim blinked. She took off her ring?

“So what do you think, man? Do you think I should go for it?”

Jim spun slowly around in his chair, catching Pam’s eye. She shot him a small smile, almost private, one meant just for him. He grinned in return, then turned back to his conversation with Andy.

“Absolutely I do.”

***

It had been close to a week since they had last spoken, really spoken, but Pam couldn’t complain. That afternoon in the coffee shop had been enough to tide her over for awhile. She could survive on the little moments in between, like his warm ‘Good morning, Beesly’ every day when he arrived or sharing a bemused look when Michael offended another newcomer. Even the simple way he smiled at her just now was enough to last her through til the weekend.

But she still missed him. She missed eating lunch with him and the gentle way he helped her into her coat or all the times he’d held the elevator for her so they could ride down together at the end of the afternoon. She knew it had to be different. He wasn’t hers any longer. He never really was, she supposed, trying to ignore the feelings of regret that came over her.

A shadow came over her desk and she glanced up, allowing herself the luxury of taking in long fingers, rolled up sleeves, his granddad’s old tie and a lopsided grin that made her knees weak. “Hey.”

 “Hey yourself.”

Pam wanted to stare into his eyes and know exactly what he wanted, whether it be to conspire for a prank, to snag a jellybean, or to simply waste the time. It was an old game she played, to try and see how well she still knew him. Sometimes the wall was firmly in place and she couldn’t figure out anything behind his words, but sometimes…he was an open book, ready to let her back in. Today was one of those days. His expression was devious, the one he sported as he went in for the kill against Dwight. She wondered what he was planning and allowed herself to enjoy the ripple of delight that snaked through her system.

“What’s up?”

Jim didn’t answer. His eyes drifted lower and lower until they came to a stop on her hand. Her bare hand.

Pam looked down with confusion until she saw it. “Oh! You’re not supposed to see that yet!”

Jim swallowed audibly. “I wasn’t?”

Pam kept her hands busy as she rustled a red folder into her purse, but then gave up. “Of course not,” she exclaimed. “It was your Christmas present. It’s supposed to be a surprise.”

She watched as his cheeks filled in a delicate shade of pink. He was so adorable when he was flustered. She loved to fluster him.

“I don’t…I don’t understand. Wh-Why?”

Pam laughed. “Why? Because it’s Christmas.” Her face fell unexpectedly and he missed the glow of her happiness instantly. “Should I not have?”

He licked his lips. “Um…It’s just…”

“Look, it’s not a big deal. If you don’t want me to-“

“No, that’s not it. I just don’t understand what it means.”

Pam’s heart began to beat a little faster. “It doesn’t have to mean anything.”

Jim’s eyes once again were drawn to her hand and that finger that was always weighted down by another man getting there first. That man wasn’t there anymore. Pam kept talking and he gazed into her face, the face of a truly single woman, and wondered that if it was all for him, surely that had to mean something.  

“How could it not?” He found himself saying, surprising them both at the emotion in his voice. “I mean…you took off your ring, Pam. That’s…”

Her mouth formed a small ‘o’ of revelation and her lashes fluttered as she stared down at her hand.

Pam was at a loss. She began to review their conversation through Jim’s ears and felt herself blushing madly at her insinuations that she’d taken off her wedding ring as a gift for him. The look on his face, the questions in his eyes, the words that were on the tip of his tongue, if only she’d give him a sign. Or perhaps she just inadvertently did. The thought made her break into a cold sweat of nerves.

“Oh. No. That…I think we were talking about…I got you something else.”

Jim blinked away his dismay as Pam nervously reached down for the red folder he thought was a diversion.

“I-I, um…It’s a-“

“Wow,” Jim forced himself to laugh, replacing his heart from out on his sleeve and back into its protective shell. “This could have been awkward. I’m glad we dodged that bullet.”

Her eyes were still wide with alarm. Jim cursed himself for almost falling down that rabbit hole once more, reading into signs that spelled friendship and opening his mouth only to be hesitantly rejected. When was he ever going to learn? It was never what Pam said, it was always the unsaid that was his undoing.

“Hey, put that away,” he told her, trying to keep his tone light. “It’s not Christmas yet. I want to be surprised.”

Pam felt relief flood over her. “Really?”

Jim nodded.

She looked like she wanted to say something, but finally just bowed her head with a small laugh. “Okay.”

“I’ll take a hint though.”

Pam broke into a broad grin, the tension dissipating. “Nope.”

“What? You expect me to wait another week for something that small? Don’t you know my extravagant tastes at all, Beesly?”

“Oh, it’s extravagant,” Pam assured him. “Trust me. You will not be disappointed.”

“I don’t know…”

“Well, you will just have to wait and –” She cut herself off when the office door opened and Roy entered, his hands filled with envelopes of varying size and shapes.

Jim noticed her mood turn dour and he straightened. He jerked his head to the side. “I’m going to get back to work.”

She nodded, already bracing herself as Roy cautiously approached.

“What’s that?” She cut to the chase, not bothering with pleasantries.

“It’s all your mail. From the house.” He handed her the stack of letters and bills and credit card offers. “I thought you might want it.”

She flipped through them quickly, not seeing anything of importance. “Thanks.”

“I was hoping you’d be coming home to get it, but it had been two weeks, so-“

“Two weeks?”

Pam felt her stomach seize in anxiety. She couldn’t see who had overheard, but she knew that incredulous voice anywhere.

“Pam, you haven’t been home in two weeks?” Kelly couldn’t believe it. “Did you move out or something?”

Roy glanced warily between the two women, then focused on Pam with interest, wondering what she would say.

“Kelly, keep your voice down,” Pam urged, tucking invisible strands of hair behind her ears nervously. Ryan was already staring at her and Karen’s head popped up behind her computer. Jim was no where to be found and she didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. She could have used a sympathetic face.

“You did, didn’t you? Are you two getting a divorce?”

“Kelly-“

“Divorce?” Michael repeated, suddenly entering the room from his haven.

Pam sighed loudly. “Thanks, Kelly.”

Kelly’s face was serious. “If you need to talk, I’m here. That’s what girlfriends are for. And setting you up on blind dates with really really hot friends of mine.”

Roy’s face twisted in anger. “I’m right here.”

“You’re getting a divorce?” Michael continued to pester, becoming upset. “Already? Its been, what? Six months?”

“July, August, September, October, November – Not even six months,” Kelly counted off on her fingers. “Don’t feel bad though. Britney’s lasted only 55 hours.”

Michael circled the desk and leaned down to whisper, “What happened? Did he cheat? Did he hit you?”

“Hey! No I did not hit her.”

Michael appraised him knowingly. “So it was the cheating.”

Roy’s fist clenched at his side. “I didn’t cheat either.”

“So was it your decision, Pam?” Michael wanted to know, bending back down. “Do you need to talk about it?”

“You know, I really don’t,” Pam replied, feeling her patience reach its limit. “I’d really like to keep my personal life private, if that’s okay with everyone here.” Her voice carried.

“We’ll talk later,” Kelly nodded.

“Okay. But if you need a divorce lawyer, let me know. My girlfriend Carol went through one and apparently he’s really good, cause they’re divorced.”

“Thanks, Michael.” Pam wearily rubbed her forehead. When her airspace was once again hers and hers alone, she looked up to see Roy’s face still. “Sorry about that. You can probably tell why I haven’t…what? What’s wrong?”

“Your ring.” His voice was monotone and lifeless. “You took off your ring.”

He was gone before she had a chance to respond, the weight of her guilt crushing her words.

***

“Frisbee based competitions,” Jim began, feigning amazement as Andy prattled on about starting up a Frisbee golf club during his years at Cornell. He knew Pam understood what ‘frolfing’ was, but figured Andy could remind her anyways.

“Why did Michael bring us to the park? Is there any specific reason?” 

“Is there ever a reason with Michael?” Jim laughed. 

Pam sighed. “I could pretend to be outraged at the waste of company money on frivolous employee outings.” 

“But then you realized you’re not Angela?” 

“And then I realized I’m not Angela,” Pam repeated, her eyes wide. “How did you know I was going to say that?” 

Jim smiled, feeling his chest puff out. “Because I know you, Beesly.” 

“It’s creepy.” 

“Quick. What am I thinking right now?” Jim asked, keeping his expression blank. 

Pam peered into his face studiously. “You are thinking…”

Jim’s features began to change gradually as he stared at her staring at him. The way her nose crinkled up in thought and her eyes searched every inch of his face for a clue. She was adorable. She was… 

“Owww!” Pam shrieked, dropping to her knees. 

Jim jolted out of his stupor and crouched down beside her. “What? What happened? Are you okay?” 

Pam raised her fist and the bright pink Frisbee that was clenched between her fingers. “This!” She shook it violently. “This hit me in the head. What the hell is this?” 

“It’s a Frisbee, Pam,” Jim replied slowly, his lips twitching in amusement. “I’ve never seen you this mad before.” 

Well who throws a Frisbee at people’s heads?” She cried, rubbing the back of her head.  “I think the wind must have caught it."

"Don't defend it!"

"Look, there’s a hole, right over there. They must be playing Frisbee Golf.” 

“Frisbee Golf?” Pam repeated. “What is Frisbee Golf?” 

“It’s-“

“You know what?” she interrupted. “I don’t care.” Her nose lifted snootily. “But I hate it.” 

Jim laughed loudly and helped her back up to her feet. Pam watched as he jogged over to two teenagers who were looking for their disc, apologizing profusely for hitting her. She smiled and shrugged, assuring them it was okay. Jim returned to her and gazed into her eyes. “How’s your head?” He reached behind her and massaged gently, feeling for a bump. “I don’t feel anything. You gonna make it?” 

Pam felt herself melting. “I think I’ll live.”

***  

“Got it. What else?” Andy wanted to know, tapping his pen annoyingly on his notepad where he was diligently taking notes.

“Let’s see…” Jim tapped his chin in thought. “Hunting. She loves to hunt. Ducks, especially.”

“Is that an old school Nintendo set, Halpert?” Pam reached inside his tv stand and unearthed the small gray console of a dated Nintendo.  

“It is,” Jim concurred, the giddy smile still adorning his lips because Pam was still in his bedroom.

“Do you remember these things?” 

“Remember?” Pam gasped, her excitement bubbling up. “I love old school Nintendo. Super Mario Brothers and Tetris and…Oh my God! Is this Donkey Kong?” 

“Oh yes,” Jim replied in grave seriousness. “That is Donkey Kong. You don’t want to play, do you?” 

Pam’s eyes widened. “Does it still work? Of course I want to play.” 

“I never pegged you for a gamer, Beesly.” 

“I’m not, really. I hate all the new systems they have out. Roy made me play NBA Jams a lot on his Sega and now he and his friends play Madden all the time. But Nintendo? I love.” 

“Let’s see what else we have here,” Jim said as he perused his games. “What about Duck Hunt? Let me see if I can find the guns.” 

Pam put her hand on his forearm. “No. I hated Duck Hunt.” 

“How could you hate Duck Hunt?” Jim asked in amazement, trying to memorize the feeling of her fingertips on his skin.  

“The question is, how could you like Duck Hunt, Jim.” 

“And the answer is, because its awesome.”  

Pam shook her head. “I’m deeply disappointed in you, Halpert.” 

Jim laughed. “Okay, so no Duck Hunt. But why don’t you like it? It’s a Nintendo staple.” 

“It’s horrible!” Pam informed him. “Do you see the way the ducks fall down to the ground after you kill them?” She shuddered. “I hate hunting. Especially those poor ducks.” 

“You do realize its not real, right?” Jim teased.  

Pam made a face. “I’m gonna ask you the same question when you’re crying after I kick your ass at Donkey Kong.” 

“I’ll look forward to that.” 

***  

“Also…Do you speak Pig Latin?”

Andy nodded, his expression determined. “I asked my advisor if Cornell had a course, but they didn’t. So I studied up on my own. I am really good.”

“Excellent. She loves when guys ask her out in Pig Latin.”

 “I just think she’s too young,” Pam confessed, worry knitting her brow. “I mean, she’s my baby niece.” 

“She’s fourteen, Pam,” Jim admonished. “That’s old enough.” Pam shook her head. “No, its not. You don’t understand.”

“No, I get it. I’m an uncle too. The thought of Shelly dating is horrifying.” 

“Right?” Pam sighed in relief. “But Shelly is only three. You have a longer time to wait. Bethany’s already in high school. I can’t believe it. And now she wants to start dating. And of course, she’s gonna come to me for advice, because she can’t go to her parents.” She covered her face with her hands.  

Jim laughed and rubbed her back affectionately. “It’ll be okay.” 

“How old were you?” 

“You’re going to have to be  more specific.” 

“When you started dating.” 

“I was sixteen when I asked my first girl out. But going to movies with groups of friends and stuff? I was fourteen. My older brother had a car and I got to tag along with him most times.” 

“I was fourteen, too. I was asked out the year before though.” Pam shook her head and smiled wryly at the memory. 

“What? What was that face for?” Jim leaned forward on his elbows. 

“Ugh. I had the biggest crush on this kid back in junior high. Bobby Stewart. And I overheard him telling his friends that he was going to ask me out to a movie and I was all excited. Then he did…” 

“What?” Jim asked, already laughing. “What did he do?” 

Pam laughed at Jim’s anticipation. “He asked me out in Pig Latin.” 

“No.” Jim bent over. “No he did not.” 

“He did!” Pam cried, tears sneaking  out of her eyes. “Who does that?” 

“Thirteen year olds.” 

“Did you ever?” 

Jim pondered for a moment. “No. But I did pull a girl’s hair once.” 

“That I would have swooned for,” Pam said. “But Pig Latin? Never.” 

“Good to know.” 

***

“I think I have all I need,” Andy boasted with confidence. “Its amazing how alike we are. This is going to be a piece of cake. Thanks, Tuna.”

“No, thank you.” Jim laced his hands behind his head and watched Andy swagger out of the break room where they’d been holed up for the past twenty minutes. He gave himself a few moments of self-congratulatory praise before heading out himself.

It was going to be a fun show. He didn’t want to miss it.

“Pamalama-ding-dong.”

Pam looked up from her game of free cell and offered Andy a polite smile, watching as he leaned up against the counter at reception.

“Listen. You’re cute. There’s no getting around it.”

Her smile started to slowly fall. Was he hitting on her?

“So…I don’t know if you like country music?” Pam started to shake her head ‘no’, but he continued on despite her not answering. “But I was thinking maybe one of these days we could drive out to a field, crank up some tunes, smoke a few macanudos... maybe even toss a disc around.”

Pam didn’t even blink, thinking if she did, he might take it as a sign of acceptance. Her mouth gaped open every so slightly, hoping he was finished. What was she supposed to say to that?

“Atwhay oday ouyay inkthay, Ampay?”

Her mouth formed a small ‘o’ of amazement. “Wow. I…”

“Shh!” Andy hurried to quiet her, holding one finger in her face. “Think about it,” he whispered. “I’ll hit you back.”

She sat perfectly still as he walked away, nudging Jim ever so slightly on the arm as he passed him. Jim…

Pam felt as though someone had just set off fireworks in her belly. Out of everyone in the office, Jim was pranking her. Not Karen, not Dwight, not Michael. Her. He’d never done that before. It had always been the two of them against the world. The thought of challenging Jim and showing him what she was made of made her tingle with excitement. The wheels began to spin and she ducked her head to avoid meeting Jim’s eyes as he spun slowly in his chair to see her reaction.

She typed furiously at her computer, a wicked grin forming on her lips. Two could play at that game.

***

“Hey,” Karen sighed, leaning to rest on Jim’s desk, her arms folded over her chest. “You busy?”

“Not at all,” Jim answered, sitting back in his chair and gazing up at her. She really was beautiful. Her short bangs framed her thin face and her olive complexion made her dark eyes all the more mysterious. He smiled up at her and enjoyed the way she couldn’t help but beam back at him. It really was that easy to make her happy, he realized.

“I’ve been swamped all day,” Karen said wearily. “I can’t believe you haven’t been busy.”

Jim bit back the truth that was waiting on his tongue. He actually did have work to do, he just hadn’t been busy doing it. He was too pre-occupied with other things, like pranks and Pam and ringless fingers and red folders. Guilt began to creep into his gut.

“You sound like you could use a break. Want to grab a drink in the break room?”

“It can’t be too long. I’m waiting on a sales call. But…sure. You buy.”

“Of course. I am the man, after all.” Jim grinned good-naturedly, knowing how fiercely independent Karen was.

She made a face and socked him lightly in the arm. “I’ll just follow behind you, my big strong man.” She waved her hands daintily in front of her face and affected a strong Southern accent.

Jim laughed loudly, turning with an expression of admiration. “You do that a little too well, Filappelli.”

“Gone With the Wind was my favorite movie,” Karen explained, loving that he stopped to allow her to step in stride beside him. “I can Scarlett O’Hara with the best of them.”

“Interesting. I never knew that about you.”

Karen looped her arm through his, feeling him tense in surprise. “There’s a lot you don’t know about me, Halpert.”

“Is that so?” He stopped short when they walked into the break room, seeing that it wasn’t empty. Karen let go of his arm and smiled warmly over at Pam, who was casually eating her cup of yogurt, a folded newspaper in front of her.

“Hey Pam. Taking a break too?”

Pam looked up, her eyes widening for a split second when she saw the two of them. “Yeah. Just doing a little Sudoku.”

“I could never get into that,” Karen told her, pulling up a chair. “So how are you doing after Michael’s announcement this morning?”

Pam started to cough, piquing Jim’s interest. “What announcement?”

Karen stared at him. “You didn’t hear? Earlier, Michael told the office pretty much how Pam and her husband are separated. It was horrible.” She turned to Pam and shook her head sympathetically. “I don’t know how you didn’t deck him.”

Pam swallowed thickly. “Oh, um. It’s Michael. I’m used to it.”

“Still,” Karen continued. “Someone needs to let him know when he crosses the line.”

“Maybe next time,” Pam offered weakly, looking at Jim briefly.

Karen’s head tilted at an odd angle. “Is that my extension?” She paused. “Dammit. I’ll be right back.” She hurried through the door and back into the office.

Jim took her seat and gave Pam a knowing look. “So.”

Pam just smiled sadly. “It was bad. Roy was dropping off my mail and Kelly overheard him saying he wants me back home and Michael overheard Kelly and now the office knows everything.”

He winced. “Wow. How are you handling it?”

“Well,” Pam started, fiddling with the pencil in her hand. “Angela has called me a statistic in the growing percentage of failed marriages in America. Creed asked me if he heard about Peg getting a divorce. And Kelly has already offered to hook me up with three of her friends, who are all totally amazingly awesome. I think that just about covers it.”

Jim let out a low whistle. “Kelly might have to take a number for her gentleman callers.”

Pam narrowed her eyes. “Why’s that?”

He leaned in. “Andy seems to have developed quite the crush on you, Miss Beesly.”

“The new guy?” She started to blush. “You think? I mean, he came by earlier and kind of asked me out, but I didn’t know he was seriously interested.”

Pam made a contemplative noise in the back of her throat and wet her lips with her tongue. She knew Jim thought he was being so clever. He was just waiting for her to bust him for telling Andy the exact wrong advice when it came to winning Pam over. She wasn’t going to let him off the hook that easily.

Jim frowned as Pam went back to her puzzle. “What was that?” he couldn’t stop himself from asking.

“What was what?” Pam asked innocently.

“That noise you just made. You’re not actually considering…” He shook his head as if to help her answer along.

Pam shrugged. “I don’t know.”

Jim felt his bones liquefy. “You’re kidding me?”

“He’s cute,” Pam decided. “In a preppy way. And if he’s interested, why not see what he has to offer, right? I mean, I’m single now.”

His mouth opened, then closed. Opened, then closed again. She could hear the breath hissing out from between his clenched teeth.

“Tuna! There you are. I’ve been looking for ya, my aquatic amigo.”

Jim barely registered his arrival. He sat like a stone, frozen to the spot.

“I made some plans for tonight that I wanted to run by you.”

“Plans?” He echoed

“First, I thought we’d hit this Bar-B-Q joint Pam told me about. Chopped, chipped or sliced, they have it all.”

Jim started to shake his head, but Andy pressed on.

“Then there’s a semi-professional tennis match being played at the high school. I scored some tickets a few weeks ago. Its gonna be awes. Then to finish out the night, there’s this hip-hop club downtown that has some killer tunes. It’ll be off the hi-zook!”

“Wait. What?” Jim didn’t make any attempt to disguise his confusion.

“What time do you want to get this party started? Hey, maybe we could invite Michael? I didn’t know how close you two were ‘til Pam here told me. I have some pretty good tips on how to get in good with him.”

“Pam told you…” Jim cast her a questioning look. When he saw the grin on her face, he knew he’d been had.

“Its okay, Tuna. I know you had your heart set on us working out, but…We talked it out and we’re just gonna be friends. But me and you? We are picking up some chicks tonight! You can be my wingman. Andy and the Tuna. Ah-Ah-Ah-Andy and the Tuna. Pick you up at seven?” He slapped Jim on the back soundly before sauntering back into the office, leaving Jim and Pam alone.

His head slowly started to bob up and down. “Nicely done.” He performed an impromptu slow clap, unable to stop the chuckles that escaped his throat.

Pam took a mock bow. “Thank you very much.”

Jim’s face turned a distinct shade of red and his mouth couldn’t stop from grinning. “Just friends, huh?”

“It was a hard sell, but luckily I had someone to throw under the bus and take the hit for me.”

“I thought you were going to see what he had to offer,” Jim repeated her words, still in disbelief that she played him so perfectly. “I thought he was, like, so cute.”

“Come on,” Pam protested, giggling. “You have to know me better than that.”

“Oh, I think I proved that already,” Jim countered.

Pam bit her bottom lip and shook in silent laughter. “Yeah, the Pig Latin was a nice touch. How do you remember that?”

Karen watched from outside the door as they rolled in laughter together, their hands millimeters apart. At one point, Pam even grabbed his hand and rolled her fingers over his palm, sending a flash of jealousy searing down Karen’s spine.

She didn’t know what was coming over her. This was not an appropriate reaction, this surge of envy because her boyfriend had a close female friend at work. She was a woman that didn’t need a man’s undivided attention because he almost certainly never had all of hers either. She was driven through work, she was independent socially and she was loyal through and through. Men loved that about her. Karen Filappelli wasn’t clingy. She wasn’t naggy. She wasn’t jealous. And she had never ever been wrecked over a man. They came and they went and she kept moving. That was just her way.

But Jim was different. She had fallen into a self-made trap with him. She knew he was damaged and needed time. She knew he had wounds she couldn’t see. But it was supposed to be her that he turned to when he was ready. When he finally let loose and let down the wall he kept so impossibly guarded, it was supposed to be her on the other side of the glass with him.

She refused to stand there and watch them any longer. Nothing if not proactive, Karen found the will to push her hand flat against the door and open it quietly.

“Am I interrupting something?”

Her clear voice broke through their obvious enjoyment of each other’s company, shattering their private sanctuary. Jim reared back instantly and hopped up, offering her the seat he’d taken. “Not at all.”

She chose to stand, feeling decidedly more in control that way. Jim’s face was flushed scarlet and Pam had to force the disappointment off her face when she saw Karen in the room.

“It was nothing,” Pam said, trying for a breezy tone of voice. “I was just getting Jim back for playing a prank on me today.”

“Prank? What kind of prank?” She directed her focus on Jim, watching him squirm.

“I, uh, tried to set her up with Andy.”

Karen didn’t understand the humor. In fact, given Pam’s recent marital troubles, it seemed downright cruel, but she didn’t say anything.

“Andy? As in, Andy Bernand Andy?”

“It was just a prank,” Jim relayed stiffly. “One that Pam saw through quite easily.”

Pam snickered. “It wasn’t that hard to see through when the poor guy is up there asking me out in Pig Latin.”

Karen felt a lump form in her throat. “I-I don’t get it.”

“I mentioned to Jim last year that I hated Pig Latin. So it was pretty obvious he had given Andy ‘advice’ on how to ask me out.”

“Oh.” Karen was flustered. She turned to Jim, anger sparking her eyes. Anger at being left out, anger at him for knowing such a trivial detail about another woman, anger at herself for being one of those women.

Pam cleared her throat. “I’m going to finish this puzzle back at my desk.” She quietly exited, leaving Karen standing with her hands on her hips and her lips in a tight line.

“Hey,” Jim took a step closer, running his hand up her arm. He was intuitive to notice that she wasn’t happy but she still wanted to shrug him off and tell him not to do that, that he can’t fix things that easily. But she welcomed his touch. She started to melt under his warmth. God, she really didn’t want to be this woman. “It was just a joke. We took it a little far.”

“You’re different here.”

Her voice was small. Jim pulled away and she missed him.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re different here than you were in Stamford.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

Karen bit her lip.

“No. Not really.” She couldn’t find the words to explain it. The overwhelming sense of dread that suddenly came over her. “Just different. You were so serious back in Connecticut. You were driven. You had…goals.”

“Come on, Karen.” Jim licked his lips. “We played around in Stamford too. We spent an entire day hunting down your potato chips. We messed with Andy. We played video games. It wasn’t all work, all the time.”

She found herself weakening. “You’re right.” She sighed unhappily. “I guess…I was just a part of it back in Stamford. Its weird being on the outside looking in.”

“I didn’t mean to leave you out. I just didn’t think.” He cringed, hoping she wouldn’t take that the wrong way, the way he intended. I just didn’t think about you. 

Karen tried another tactic to discuss what was really going on with her. “You and Pam are pretty close, it looks like. You must know her well to be able to give Andy the exact wrong advice.” Her lips quirked into a half smile, but her watchful eyes told more to the story. “You never mentioned her.”

Jim didn’t say anything. He didn’t trust himself to speak. Not about Pam.

“Did she tell you about separating with her husband?”

She watched as Jim grew fidgety, giving her an answer before the words came out of his mouth. “She mentioned it over coffee, I guess.”

You guess, Karen smarted inwardly, her paranoia growing like wildfire in her belly. “That’s just really strange to me. No one else in the office seemed to know. But she told you.”

Jim’s head dropped, like a child being scolded. “Look. When they were dating, when they had problems, Pam would come to me sometimes, to talk. We were friends. We’re friends. That’s it. That’s all.”

“Okay.” Karen reached her hand out and rested her palm on his heart, feeling the thundering beneath her fingertips. “This is me letting it go.”

“Thank you.”

He wanted to look into her eyes and see that she believed him. She couldn’t give him what he wanted, which was only fair. He couldn’t give her what she wanted either.

Jim answered the door, his mouth stretched into a yawn. He mumbled something incoherent into his brother’s face and was greeted with a punch to the arm.

“Sorry. Didn’t quite catch that.”

Jim shook his head vigorously in order to wake up. “I said, Morning.”

“Ah.” Jonathon grinned. “It sounded like aaaaorrrrrgh.”

“And you couldn’t get ‘morning’ out of that? Weak.”

Jonathon plopped down on Jim’s couch and ran a hand through his own unruly mop of hair. “Thanks for letting me borrow your car while mine is in the shop.”

Jim tossed him the keys. “No problem. Karen said she was more than happy to be my chauffeur for the next few days.” He glanced around. “By the way, who brought you here?”

Jonathon smirked. “Mom. She wanted to come in, but she had to be across town by seven.”

“She showing a house?”

“Yeah.”

Jim shuffled to the couch and lounged beside his older brother letting his eyelids slowly droop. It was too early for moving and talking and thinking about anything else but sleep.

“Late night last night?”

One eye opened. “Sort of.”

“You and Karen?”

“We were up talking until three this morning.”

Jonathon chortled in appreciation. “Talking, eh?”

Jim nodded, his expression of apparent unhappiness signaling that it was indeed only talking going on last night. “For the past four or so nights. It’s all she wants to do. Order in and talk. It’s like she’s trying to know everything about me in a certain time frame so she’s trying to cram all of it in. It’s literally exhausting.”

“Have you guys done it yet?”

Jim frowned. “We’ve haven’t even been dating a month, Jon.”

Jonathon’s face didn’t register. “So that’s a…no, then?”

“No we haven’t done ‘it’,” Jim used finger quotations to emphasis his point.

“So you guys just…talk.” Jonathon nodded once in confirmation. “Yikes.”

“I mean, I’m pretty sure she wants to,” Jim confessed, rubbing the back of his head. “But-“

“Wait, so you’re the hold up?” Jonathon exclaimed. “When did you become a woman?”

Jim sat up straight, indignant. “I’m not being a woman. I’m trying not to rush things.”

“Apparently she wants to be rushed. Wow, man…” Jonathon clasped his hands together and regarded Jim with newfound interest. “How long has it been for you?”

Jim shrugged, yawning. “Since Katy? February, maybe?”

“Last February? So, almost a year?”

“I don’t know the exact date, but that sounds about right,” Jim replied tersely, beginning to get defensive. “It’s not that big of a deal.”

Jonathon let it go momentarily. “What are you getting Karen for Christmas?”

Jim rubbed his eyes. “Uh. A movie.”

“You are never gonna get laid, brother.”

Jim actually laughed. “Its more of an inside joke.”

“Romantic. Girls love to get inside joke gifts instead of meaningful gifts. Which one is it?”

Jim gestured to the coffee table, where three small gifts were wrapped and ready to go. “It’s the middle one. The one shaped like a DVD.”

“Smart ass,” Jonathon shot back. “I meant which movie.” He leaned over anyway and rifled through the colorful presents. “Wait, this one’s to Pam? The Pam?”

Jim clicked his tongue against his teeth and tried to hold back a small smile. “Yeah.”

Jonathon shook his head. “Why?”

“I don’t know. I saw it and thought she’d like it. It’s Christmas, Jonathon. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“It always means something when it’s involving Pam.” Jonathon turned serious.

“All it means is that we’re friends.

“Jim, I was there three weeks ago when you got home from seeing her. You were wrecked, man. You told me you couldn’t be her friend again and now you’ve moved back to town and you’re right back where you were last year. What are you doing?”

“It’s not the same as before,” Jim argued.

“What changed? It couldn’t have been that much, because you’re not with her. And you told me anything less you couldn’t handle. So…I don’t get it. What changed so much in three weeks?”

Jim pressed his lips together. “She left her husband.”

Jonathon digested that information. “She told you that?”

“Yeah. She did.”

“When?”

“My first day back.”

“No,” Jonathon waved him off impatiently. “When did she leave him?”

“On Thanksgiving.”

Jonathon scrunched his eyebrows, deep in thought. “So, right after you guys talked.”

Jim began to nod his head in something akin to enthusiasm. “Yes. Yes. That’s…I mean, okay.” He paused to collect his thoughts. “I’ve been thinking about all this. And I keep coming back to that night. The things she said and the way she looked at me and…I mean, she left him. So…that’s gotta mean something, right?”

“It means she doesn’t want to be with her husband any more.”

“Yeah, but she did it after that night,” Jim stressed. “She told me she missed me. And she kept - she looked at me in this… I don’t – I don’t know, Jon. I just…” Jim sighed. “I just don’t know. I don’t know where I stand with her.”

Jonathon watched him closely. “Since you’ve been back, has she told you – flat out told you to your face so you can’t misunderstand – that she wants to be with you?”

Jim rolled his eyes. “No, but she’s-“

“Then I think you know exactly where you stand. You’re in your usual spot, baby brother. She wants her friend back. I think the fact that she left her husband is making you think there’s a chance, but it sounds to me like she doesn’t want him, but she doesn’t want you either.”

Jim blinked, his shoulders sagging.

“Doesn’t that…for lack of a better word…suck?” Jonathon asked quietly. “How is that any better than what you had going before?”

“Of course it sucks,” Jim responded, finding his voice. “But at least she’s not wasting her life with someone who isn’t good enough for her.”

“Jim,” Jonathon admonished. “It doesn’t matter who she dates or who she marries. They’re never going to be good enough for you. You’re just going to end up right where you started. Watching her move on with someone else while you’re still pining away for her. As her friend.”

Jim shook his head but didn’t say anything.

“Look, it’s not my business.” He ignored Jim’s snort. “I just...” Jonathon sighed. “I don’t know. I gotta run though. Thanks for the car. Tell Karen I said hello.”

Jim followed to shut the door behind him once he was gone. He turned and rested his back against the thick wood and held his fingertips to his lips, deep in thought.

There was nothing Jonathon said that wasn’t the truth, he realized. He’d been so buoyed by the fact that Pam actually walked away from Roy that he never once thought that it was still a rejection of him. All Pam wanted was her friendship with Jim intact while she made the biggest change of her life. She wanted a confidant, someone to support her, someone to listen to her. She didn’t want him in her arms, in her bed, in her life – she just wanted one thing in her life back to normal before she threw everything into chaos. Jim felt his chest close in, squeezing the breath out of him as he realized he’d misinterpreted everything again.

Karen was a great girl and she truly wanted him. He knew exactly why Karen had spent the past few nights wanting to know everything there was to know about him. She saw the way he was with Pam and she wanted that with him as well. She felt him slipping away already and she was fighting to rein him back in, back to her.

What the hell was so backwards about him that he couldn’t just let her?

When Jim left for work, Pam’s present never made it into his messenger bag.

***

“Psst. Jim.”

Jim turned and noticed Pam’s head twitching sporadically, indicating she wanted him to come over to her. He felt Karen’s eyes on him as he stood up and casually stepped up to reception.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” She looked around and when it was all clear, she began to whisper. “I need to give you your Christmas present now because, um…well, I just wanted to.” Her smile was infectious. “Do you have a few minutes.”

Jim nodded, allowing his curiosity to get the better of him. “Do I finally get to see the contents of the mysterious red folder?”

“You do. But first I have to explain.”

She was whispering so quietly, he had to lean further in, bending his lanky frame and resting his elbows on the counter.

“I’ve been sending Dwight letters from the CIA.” She slid the folder across the counter and watched as his face went slack.

“Are you serious?”

“They’re considering him for a top secret mission,” Pam continued as he opened the folder and flipped through the pages she had been so careful to document. “That’s his application. Oh, and this is where I made him list every secret he promised he’d never ever tell.” She was practically bouncing in her chair.

Jim flipped through the pages carefully, in disbelief that she could have concocted such an absolutely perfect gift. “Last year, my boss Michael Scott took the day off because he said he had pneumonia, but really he was leaving early to go to magic camp. Wow…”

Pam laughed softly. “So here’s the gift.” She stared up into his eyes and felt her heart flip over in her chest at the way he was holding the folder, like it was made of precious material that might crumble in his hands. “You get to decide what his top secret mission is. Sorry I didn’t wrap it.”

“Actually. I really don’t think I should be doing this stuff anymore though.”

Pam’s face drained of color. The light went out of her eyes and her heart slowed to a heavy, painful thud in her chest.

“Oh.”

“No, just ‘cause…the promotion.”

“Yeah. No, I…”

“It just feels a little bit like, uh…”

“I get it. Yeah.” Her stricken expression was valiantly masked by a forced smile that nearly shattered her cheeks. “Of course. Okay.”

Jim handed the folder back to her trembling hands and twitched his lips into an unconvincing smile before turning and walking away.