Just drunk

"When did this happen?" Eve was worried about her daughter. She had never heard Pam so upset before.

"About 10 minutes ago." Pam nervously twisted the phone cord in her fingers. Her arms were crossed protectively in front of her as she looked at her feet in the darkened office.

"Did you tell him you love him back?"

"No, I didn't know what to say." Pam tried to make her voice light as she fought away the tears.

"Honey, you can't just let things go at that. Do you have feelings for him?" Eve had always suspected there was more than just friendship going on between Pam and her friend Jim. She talked about him more than she had ever talked about Roy, even when she was in high school.

"Yes, I know...Um...I don't know, Mom. He's my best friend."

"I just asked because you're always telling me what a sweet guy he is."

"Yeah, he's great."

"Pamela..." Eve only called Pam "Pamela" when she was trying to get her to calm down long enough to listen. "Are you in love with him?"

Pam’s voice was thick with suppressed tears. "Yeah, I think I am--" As she spoke, Jim slowly walked around the corner, his hands shoved in his pockets. Pam’s heart jumped and she felt butterflies beat against her stomach as she stood and swung around. "I have to go."

"Call me later."

"I will," Pam rushed and quickly put the receiver down. Her heart was racing as she turned to face Jim. God, I am so confused! "Listen, Jim--" she started, but he stepped forward and covered her excuses with his lips. Pushed them back into sweet oblivion as he gathered her in his arms. The rush of blood startled Pam. It had never been like this to kiss Roy...Roy...Roy who? she thought as she ran her hands up Jim's shoulders to his neck and hair, sinking into the earnestness of his kiss.

Roy, your fiancé, her guilty conscience demanded. Pam pulled away from Jim and looked at her feet. Her body was still tingling from where his hands slid from her back to her hips, but she forced herself to look him in the eye. He took a step back and looked at her with a mixture of relief and trepidation.

Smiling, he looked down as he took her hands in his."You have no idea...how long I've wanted to do that."

"Me, too," Pam whispered quietly. A soft chuckle escaped Jim's lips. "I think we're just drunk," she teased in an attempt to break the tension.

Jim's eyes widened in surprise and his face grew serious.“No, I’m not drunk.” He squinted as he scrutinized her face. “Are you drunk?”

“No.” Pam blinked. Jim’s lips formed a smile and bent his head to kiss her again. Oh, God, she thought, he smells so good. Roy never smells good. Roy…Roy! “Jim--” she halted and looked down at the floor and back at him. Pam opened her mouth to speak, but she couldn’t find the words.

Jim pulled his head back and looked at her. Dawning comprehension and disappointment washed over Jim’s face. “You’re really going to marry him,” he whispered. It was not a question. Pam nodded. “Okay.” Jim let her fingers slip to her sides. He turned and walked out the door without looking back.

Always going to be like this

2:00 A.M. It was useless. She couldn’t sleep. Pam had been pacing the apartment for an hour. When she got home, Roy was already passed out in their bedroom, snoring. God, she hated how he snored. It was like some strange call of the wild. She’d lost count of the number of times she’d wanted to stuff his socks in his enormous, gaping mouth and affix a piece of duct tape to it. But she figured a plea of his snoring was annoying as hell and driving me to insanity wouldn’t work to her advantage in a murder trial.

Pam kept reliving the evening. ‘I’m in love with you…I just wanted you to know…Once.’ God, it felt so good to be in his arms. She had been afraid at first because for some reason, she had always expected him to be a lousy kisser. Roy was a lousy kisser. Pam shook her head furiously to clear her thoughts. What is wrong with me? I’m engaged! Why the hell am I kissing someone else? What in God’s name did Jim think he was doing? She tried to be angry at Jim, but she kept going back to that kiss…the way his hands had been warm on her back and her hips…how his breath had been hot on her lips. God! Pam groaned inwardly. I need therapy.

‘I’m in love with you.’ It haunted and chilled her. A shiver ran through her body and she walked into the darkened living room without bothering to turn on any lights. The glow of the street lamp outside was enough to help her maneuver her way around Roy’s various piles to the couch. Pam sighed as she sank onto the cushions and wrapped a blanket around herself. She rubbed the skin on her arms.  She was still cold. Her tank top and lounge pants didn’t offer much protection from the chill she felt.

Looking around the living room, Pam realized she hated this apartment. She hated the trail of clothes Roy left as he entered the house. Shoes, socks, pants. God, he would go everywhere in his damn briefs if he couldn’t get arrested for it, she thought bitterly. Pam had known Roy was sloppy before she first moved in with him, but she had hoped she could help him change. Unfortunately, it seemed to have worsened as time went on. I did nothing to help things, picking up after him like his goddamned mother! He’d suffocate in all this shit if I weren’t around. She kicked over a stack of Sports Illustrated magazines he’d been ogling that afternoon. ‘C’mon, Pammy. These’ll be worth something some day!’ He’d been so engrossed in the pages he barely looked up when she walked out in her blue dress for the Casino Night. He’d grunted when she asked how she looked. What an ass! she thought savagely.

Jim had noticed, though. ‘Wow, Beesley. You clean up nice. That’s a great color. Periwinkle, right? See, I listen.’ Pam smiled. Jim always noticed things like that. ‘I’m in love with you.’ It hovered over her like a fog.

She shook her head, forcing away the rush through her veins. In the background, she could still hear Roy’s snores. I hope it hurts when he wakes up in the morning. Pam tried to tell herself she couldn’t sleep because of his snoring, but a nagging in the back of her mind wouldn’t let her be fully convinced. ‘I’m in love with you.’ Tucking a lock of hair behind her ear, she leaned forward to straighten the stack she knocked over and then paused. On the coffee table in front of her, in between two large heaps of Roy’s bills, she saw the airline packets. Pam reached out and picked them up, rage building inside her. Mexico. That bastard. Roy knew she’d always wanted to go to Hawaii. They’d been to Mexico so many times. But Hawaii…it was her dream. She thought he’d been kidding when he said, “C’mon, Pammy (God, how she hated it when he called her “Pammy”). You don’t wanna go to Hawaii.”

“It’s always going to be like this,” she said to the tickets. “He’s always going to tell me what I want—how I feel.”

‘I’m in love with you.’ Pam didn’t force away the body rush this time. She let it burn through her as she closed her eyes and slipped back in her memory to Jim’s lips…his eyes…his arms. The feel of her breasts pressed to his chest. How soft his hair had been in her fingers. The way he enveloped her in his scent. Jumping up, she knocked over several of Roy’s piles. Pam didn’t even stop to put on shoes as she ran out the door. Roy never heard the engine fire and the car peel out of the drive.

Don’t wait up

Jim lay wide awake on his bed staring at the ceiling. The black void before him seemed to match his mood—vast nothingness. Jim sighed and rubbed his hands over his face. “This is getting old,” he said flatly to the void. The ceiling did not answer. “Great…shot down and crazy.” He sat up, swung his feet to the floor and pulled on a t-shirt. ‘I…can’t.’ Her voice echoed in his ears. Straightening his boxers, he made his way to the kitchen in the dark.

When Jim got home, he had found a note from Mark. He scoffed aloud. ‘Hey, Jimmy. Gotta date with Patricia. DON’T WAIT UP.’ Mark had known Patricia for two weeks. Two weeks and he scores. Three years and I get shot down…twice, he thought as he slammed the fridge closed. Such a moron. Jim shook his head and sat down at the bar, his drink untouched, his head in his hands. ‘You have no idea what your friendship means to me…’ God!

Jim had seen Pam run through the doors leading up to the office. She had turned him down, but he couldn’t bear to see her hurting. He walked quietly up the stairs and listened. He could hear the low murmur of her voice. Who could she be talking to? He had hesitated and almost turned to leave when he heard her talking about him. ‘Yeah, I think I am.’ His body burned at the memory how it felt to kiss her, to pull her to him and feel her surrender. She’s still going to marry that asshole. Suddenly, he stood and threw his glass at the wall. It shattered and fell in pieces to the floor. Jim sank back onto the stool and buried his head in his arms. His shoulders shook with silent sobs.

A timid knock at the door made him sit up. Godammit, Mark! Jim fumed as he took long strides to the door and began fiddling with the lock. Mark couldn’t remember his damned key if it were surgically attached to his ass! Jim threw the door open. “Damnit, Mark! All you have to do is put your damn keys in your damn pock—“ he stopped and stared. Pam was standing on his doorstep, wide-eyed and twisting the ties of her lounge pants anxiously.

Artsy Fartsy

“Not Mark; just me. Can I, um, come in?” Pam stammered. She had heard something shatter as she approached the door and thought maybe he’d injured himself. Jim still stared at her silently, but he pulled the door further open and stepped back. With a sideways glance she walked inside. This is a mistake, she thought. What the hell was I thinking coming over here? Roy would KILL me! She straightened her shoulders. The hell with that; I don’t take orders from him anymore.

Jim closed the door and stood staring at it for a minute. Am I hallucinating? This could be a dream. He pinched the skin on his forearm. Ouch! Nope, not a dream. Rubbing his arm, Jim turned around and found Pam looking at him concernedly.

“Are you alright?”

“What? Oh, no…yeah…just my arm hurts.” Why the hell doesn’t she have shoes on?

Pam looked confused. “No…I heard something shatter before.”

“Oh! I...uh, I dropped a glass,” Jim finished lamely.“Oh.” She was looking at his boxers. God, I’ve never seen him like this.

“Yeah.” Wow. What a conversational wizard you are, Halpert, Jim thought derisively.

“If-if you want, we can turn on a light and I could help you clear it up,” Pam said quietly. She didn’t really want to clean up glass off Jim’s floor, but she couldn’t think of anything to say.

“Ah, that’s okay…um…why—why are you here, Pam?” He furrowed his brow. She was standing in a stream moonlight coming through the window in the door. In the shadows, Jim could see the swell of her breasts accentuated by her folded arms. He ached to wrap her in his arms…to bury his face in her hair and lose himself in her.

“Oh, um…I just wanted…um, I just came because…I thought…” Pam sighed. “I had to talk to you,” she rushed. Jim waited. “I can’t—I can’t do it anymore, Jim!” He stared at her in stunned silence.“I’ve been with Roy for almost ten years. Ten years! I was a teenager when I first got together with him for godsake!”

“Pam, I don’t really think I want to—“

Pam continued on the verge of hysterics. “Did you know he can’t even cook? When it’s his turn to cook, he drops a package of salad greens and croutons in my lap and says, ‘Knock yerself out.’ I mean, what the hell? You cooked me a hot sandwich from your findings at our office!” When Jim didn’t respond, she continued. “He called me ‘Artsy Fartsy,’ do you remember? He always told me art was a goddamned waste of time and that I needed to find something I could ‘actually’ make money at. God! He’s such an ass!” Jim opened his mouth to speak, but Pam was pacing as she talked. “He wanted to go to his family’s condo in Mexico for our honeymoon! I told him I didn’t want to go there because we’d been so many times and Hawaii would be more fun. He informed me I was wrong. Can you believe that?”

In the dark she wasn’t watching where she was going and she ran into him just as he put his hands up to stop her tirade. They both jumped back and she folded her arms across her chest self-consciously. Jim felt his face and neck turn red.

“Pam, I don’t mean to be rude, but are we really going to do this? Given the circumstances, I really don’t think it’s a good idea for us to be discussing your problems with Roy.”

Pam began a new train of thought as though she hadn’t heard him. “I’ve always had someone else I could talk to while I’ve been with Roy. I could always vent my frustrations about him—get it off my chest.”

“Pam—“ Jim protested.

“Do you know why that is?” she said, getting excited again. “Because I could never talk to him. He doesn’t want to know how I’m feeling. He wants to tell me how I’m feeling!” Pam was talking as if to herself and not Jim. “He only wants me to talk when we're having sex, and that's just to tell him how good he is—“

“Enough!” Jim shouted. “Pam, I can’t do this!” His voice broke. “I can’t talk to you about Roy anymore. You can’t come to my house at 3 in the morning and tell me things like that. God!” Jim held out his hands in pleading. “Why are you here?”

Why are you here, Pam?

Pam stared at Jim startled. She fought back the sting of tears. “Jim, you always ask me what I think. You’ve always taken an interest in my art…” Jim didn’t seem to be following what she was saying. “Look at the floor!” Jim looked down. “No socks! No shoes!” Pam took a step forward and pointed at his boxers. “You’re not wearing briefs!”

Jim raised his eyebrows at her in shock. “Pam, what are you—“

“Those aren’t even the reasons I’m here,” she said shaking her head. She wasn’t explaining this right.

Jim moved closer, looking her over. “Why are you here, Pam?”

“I’m here because…” Her eyes were swimming with tears. Pam reached out and took his hand. The electricity of her touch went coursing through Jim’s veins. He began to feel a glimmer of hope.

“Because?” he challenged.

Pam dropped his hand and stepped back looking down. She met his eyes. “I don’t love Roy. I don’t want to be with him,” she rushed. They stood looking at each other in silence She couldn’t bear it. “I want to be with you. I love you.” Jim continued to stare. Maybe it’s too late. Pam began to turn toward the door when he grabbed her arm and pulled her to him, gathering her up in his arms. She could feel his excitement against her and she moaned softly into his mouth. He gripped her tighter, moving his hands across her back. His kiss was demanding and she was ready to comply.

“I love you,” she breathed into him, her fingers in his hair. He was backing her down the hall careful to move around the broken glass on the floor. His hands snaked under her top and he placed his palms on the smooth surfaces of her skin. Oh, God. He had wanted this, wanted her for so long.

“I love you,” she sighed into the folds of his shirt as she pulled it up and over his broad shoulders. “I love you,” she confessed as she buried her face in his chest. His fingers were skimming the band of her pants. He backed her through his bedroom door and stopped at the edge of his bed. His heart was racing.

“I love you,” Pam said as she kissed his neck and collarbone. He sucked in air through his teeth and gripped her shirt tightly. In one fluid motion he removed her top and pressed her to him. She tugged down on his boxers and began teasing him. Jim kissed her more fiercely. He pulled back and began to kiss the soft roundness of her breasts, his tongue snaking out every so often to tease her. Pam bent her head down. “I love you,” she whispered and then nibbled the tip of his ear. He grabbed her and flung her back on the bed. Grabbing the band of her pants and panties, he yanked them off. She sighed loudly. Jim knelt up onto the bed over her. She quickly sat up and placed her palms on the flat of his back, her mouth over him, tormenting him with pleasure. “Oh, God, Pam!” he groaned in the darkness.

He laid her back and slowly moved his mouth from one breast to the other. She arched her back, and he chuckled softly. “Pam,” he whispered to her skin. She placed her hands in his hair and guided his mouth to hers. She could feel him between her thighs. God, he feels so good! He tilted his pelvis a little and stopped, making her impatient for more. She sighed into his shoulder. He repeated the motion and she moaned, “Jim!” Her legs entwined with his and he tilted forward into her. “Oh, God, Jim!” she breathed into his mouth. “I love you.” Her words encircled them, swirled around them, blanketed them as their bodies rose and fell in rhythm.

Pam threw her head back moaning his name and then buried her face in his shoulder, breathless with the intensity of the rush. She tightened herself around him, continuing their rhythm as he breathed into her, and she felt him pulsing within her. She tightened again and heard, “Oh, God! Oh, my God, Pam!” falling in whispers to her ear. She sucked in her breath sharply and writhed beneath him as he gingerly ran his fingers along the outlines of her body, tracing every curve. They lay wrapped in each other whispering and confessing, sharing kisses and caresses and “I love you’s.” The soft light of dawn broke through the shades.

“I love you,” Pam whispered again to Jim’s neck. Her eyes fluttered closed and she felt a calm sleep beginning to wash over her. “I love you,” he confessed into her hair. As sleep took hold of her, Pam knew she’d found her voice...had found her place with the one she loved—with Jim.