“You don’t need to change a thing about you, Babe,
I’m telling you from where I sit you’re one of a kind.”
- Griffin House, “The Guy That Says Goodbye To You Is Out Of His Mind”

He could tell she’d been crying when she hurried into the office fifteen minutes late. Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes damp, and her entire demeanor frazzled as she sat down behind the desk and tried to act like nothing was wrong. He watched for a moment in concern, then noticed Dwight was nodding knowingly in his general direction, obviously trying to get his attention.

“Okay….what are you doing?” he asked, deciding he was bored enough to take the bait.

“It’s Pam’s time of the month,” Dwight answered unapologetically.

“Wow. Um, how would you know that?”

Dwight huffed in typical fashion as though Jim was the idiot in the situation. “Please, Jim. Everyone knows females who are confined to the same area for long periods of time will eventually adjust to the same cycle.”

This actually brought a little grin to Jim’s face as he considered why Dwight might have that little piece of information. “And how would you know anyone’s cycle?” he asked, raising an eyebrow in challenge.

Dwight immediately blanched and scrambled to recover, and Jim couldn’t help smiling a little in victory. Only 9:15 and he already managed one triumph over Dwight. Oh, the possibilities…. “Pam is displaying the classic signs of a woman who is-”

“Okay, um, do you realise this is not an okay topic for you to discuss?” he cut him off before it got any more graphic.

Dwight just rolled his eyes in exasperation and turned back to his computer screen, once more freeing him to return to his own favourite activity – watching Pam. She was focusing way too hard on the monitor in front of her, and every few seconds, she sniffled pitifully. No one else seemed to take much notice, but he wasn’t going to be able to focus on anything until he knew what upset her. Unlike Dwight, he didn’t know anything about her “cycle,” but he had noticed another pattern in her life. Every time he’d seen tears in her eyes, it was because of Roy. Instinct told him this time was no different.

Of course, things had been a little strange between them since their fight about the internship. He had a feeling that was really a fight about Roy and not about her missing out on this opportunity, but either way, his accusations were a little spot-on. As always, she withdrew in on herself, trying to protect herself from even more hurt. He was trying hard to let it go, but it drove him mad to think of that bastard holding her back, and he felt even more crazy over the fact that she didn’t even seem to mind. How long did someone have to put you down and stifle your dreams before you just became numb to it? Anyone could see she deserved better than Roy…anyone except Pam.

Clearly, however, he made his opinion a little more obvious than she liked. If he was going to make her see how wrong Roy was for her, he was going to have to do it a little at a time. Pam needed to move in inches, not miles, and he needed to be gentle. And first, he just needed to be her friend.

He considered walking up for some early morning jelly beans, but he didn’t want to draw anyone’s attention when she was obviously trying to act like nothing was wrong. Instead, he spent the next fifteen minutes looking at online greeting cards. Normally he wouldn’t dream of doing something so cheesy, but he knew she was a sucker for corniness like that, and if a dancing panda couldn’t cheer her up, there wasn’t much he could do for her. He debated adding a note, but ultimately decided not to overdo it. Just a quick little gesture to show he noticed and maybe encourage her to open up again. If she decided she wanted to talk to him, he could tell her himself the encouraging words she needed to hear. He pressed the send button, then waited for her to check her e-mail.

He actually made two sales calls and filled out some paperwork before looking up again. She was noticeably more cheerful now, a slight smile on her face despite her still-red eyes. Just a moment later, a window at the bottom of the screen started flashing, and a grin spread over his face.


PBeesly: Coffee. Break room. Now.
JHalpert: I’m incredibly busy right now, Beesly.
PBeesly: Not too busy to look for dancing panda bears, though.
JHalpert: But really, who ever is?
JHalpert: I do have priorities, you know.


Instead of responding, she got up and headed towards the break room, looking to him expectantly. Not about to disappoint, he got up as well and followed her to the coffee maker. “So Dwight has some interesting theories about your ‘cycle,’” he informed her, giving air quotes before she handed him a cup of coffee. “His words. Not mine.”

“Why would Dwight be talking about my cycle?” she grimaced, looking a bit nauseated at the idea.

“Seriously, Pam. It’s Dwight. Wouldn’t we all be more surprised if he didn’t?”

“You make a good point.” She sighed and held her mug in two hands, not bothering to take a sip. He resisted from pointing out she didn’t even drink coffee and thus forcing her to admit she really just needed to talk right now. He wasn’t about to jeopardise his opportunity to get inside her head a little. “Thanks for the card,” she said after a moment.

“No problem. Is everything okay?”

“No, not really,” she admitted.

“You want to tell me about it?”

She frowned a little and stared down into her cup of coffee. “Roy and I had a fight this morning,” she confessed.

Yeah, didn’t see that coming, he thought wryly. Score 1 for Halpert.

“I’ve been thinking about that internship,” she continued quietly. “And I guess there are a lot of reasons not to try it, but….I really want it,” she admitted, and it sounded as though she was just starting to come to terms with that herself. “So I tried talking to him again, but he just kept saying no, it wasn’t practical, it was too far away.”

“What did you say?”

“I tried telling him what a good opportunity it was. I looked around, and I can actually stay pretty close to Dunder Mifflin those weekends without going bankrupt, and I told him I would pay for everything myself. But he still just won’t budge.”

“Maybe you should just do it anyway,” he suggested quietly, hoping she wouldn’t think it was too bold. “If you really want it, you should do it.”

“Yeah, maybe,” she answered, not sounding too convinced. She grew silent again for a moment, and he knew there was more to their fight than just saying no. He said no all the time, and she didn’t ever look as distraught as she did this morning. “He told me being an artist was stupid,” she suddenly blurted.

“What?” he asked incredulously. “He really said that?”

She nodded, the tears springing to her eyes once more. “He said it wasn’t something I should still be indulging, that it was ‘cute’ in high school, but now I need to be realistic.”

“Pam, I-” he began before realising he couldn’t actually think of something to say in response that didn’t threaten Roy’s life and limb. Up until this point he didn’t think Roy was dumb enough to say something so hurtful, so demeaning, but wow, he really tossed out the big guns.

“I knew he thought the internship was a bad idea, but he made it about me,” she said quietly. “And I don’t know,” she shrugged. “Maybe he’s right. Maybe I should forget about being an artist, but it’s what I’ve always wanted. That was like, always the thing I dreamed about. I don’t know how to do anything else.”

“Pam,” he said softly, looking into her eyes and allowing those tears to break his heart once more. God, he really wanted to kill Roy Anderson right about now. He shook his head, amazed someone like Roy could actually be with her all this time and still not recognise how wonderful she was. “You don’t need to change anything about yourself,” he said seriously, locking his eyes on hers and trying to convey just how much he meant it. “If Roy doesn’t see that…” he swallowed hard, resisting the urge to tell her that her fiance was an idiot. “People ike who….people who don’t let go of their dreams….they’re the ones who make it. It’s what makes you special. It makes you Pam. And, you know, that’s pretty great.”

Pam just stared at him in response, and for a moment, it seemed as though it all clicked for her. The way he felt about her, the way Roy didn’t. The way he wanted her dreams to come true, the way Roy wanted her to be exactly what he asked instead. Fresh tears rushed to her eyes, and though he was grateful she understood, he hated being the cause – even indirectly – of her pain.

Before he had a chance to say anything else, however, a familiar and entirely unwelcome head popped in the door. “Dunder Mifflin employees are permitted precisely one fifteen minute break and a lunch break. You have now been drinking coffee for seventeen minutes.”

Pam started to say something, but Jim quickly silenced her with a look that clearly said he could field this one. “Dwight, what are you talking about?” he asked in feigned confusion. “Pam and I just got here. We still have ten minutes before the work day starts.”

“False. It is almost ten o’clock.”

“No, Dwight,” she shook her head, always quick to jump right in and contribute. “It’s 8:50.”

“You must have experienced some sort of time warp,” Jim managed with a completely straight face.

“My watch says 9:48.”

“Yeah, of course it does. You were wearing it during the time warp.”

Dwight looked sceptical, but he was also clearly alarmed and dashed out of the room for verification. “Ten points for use of a sci-fi term,” Pam awarded him. “But I’m going to have to go with zero points for follow-through potential. When the clock confirms the correct time-”

“He’ll be locked out,” he finished for her, reaching over and casually turning the lock on the break room door just in time for Dwight to slam into it. After recovering from the initial shock he started to pound on the glass, but they both ignored him and the rest of their co-workers followed suit.

“Nice one, Halpert,” she nodded in appreciation.

“Do the judges redact their humiliating zero points?”

“Well, technically, it still had no follow-through potential. They will, however, award eight points for spontaneous solution-making.”

“Spontaneous solution-making. Right. I always forget that one.”

“A common mistake.”

They grinned at one another, and Dwight gave up his quest and returned to his desk. The silence made them both a little uncomfortable, the room too full of unspoken emotion, so she started towards the door. He briefly considered letting her walk away, but he knew he would regret it forever if he let the moment go. “Pam,” he blurted, causing her to stop. “You know what I think about Roy,” he prefaced. “I’m not going to question your choices again, but you should know…” he trailed off, not quite sure what he could say that wouldn’t be crossing the line still very much intact between them.

“I should know what?” she asked quietly.

“From where I’m sitting, he’s a fool for not appreciating everything about you,” he answered simply, and then he grabbed his coffee mug and returned to his desk.

“There is no reason to feel bad,
But there are many seasons to feel glad, sad, mad.
It’s just a bunch of feelings that we have to hold,
But I am here to help you with the load.”
- Travis, “Flowers In The Window”

She felt ridiculous for scribbling it onto a post-it note, but she liked the words, like the way they made her feel – okay, accepted, special. At first she just wanted to preserve that feeling, but every time her eyes wandered from her computer screen down to that obscenely orange sticky note, his words reminded her if she did ever change, she wouldn’t be that person. The one Jim cared about so much. The one he bought the teapot for, the one he made grilled cheese sandwiches for, the one he always made laugh. She could change herself for Roy, become the person he wanted her to be, but she was already the person Jim wanted her to be. The thought kept her awake last night, torturing her with the realisation that she couldn’t stand to trade in the way Jim saw her for anything else in the world, including the man she was supposed to marry.

So she kept the note on her computer. “You don’t need to change a thing about yourself” became the words she lived by. She stayed true to her hopes, her dreams, her desires, and her thoughts, and she was entirely unapologetic about it. Jim seemed thrilled by her emerging attitude over the last few weeks, but Roy continued his disapproval and harsh words.

For a while she was content to do as she pleased and just ignored Roy’s hurtful words, not sure she was ready to tip over the rocking boat just yet. The day she got the e-mail, however, everything changed.

Her heart froze in her chest, and at first she was afraid to believe it. She read every word three times before it really started to sink in. She looked up and saw Jim stand and stretch before heading to the breakroom, so she she jumped out of her chair to follow him. “I have something to tell you,” she blurted out as she practically skipped in behind him and grabbed a bag of tea from the cupboard.

“Wow, someone’s excited,” he smiled. “Seriously, Beesly, I think your cheeks are about to crack.”

“I am excited,” she admitted. “I’m really excited.”

“Okay, so tell me.”

“Nope,” she shook her head, filling her mug with water and sticking it in the microwave.

“Um, you just said you had something to tell me.”

“Yeah, but I have to let the suspense build a little,” she smiled innocently. “This is great news and I want you to experience the full effect.”

“Should I lock the door?” he quipped. “Because I guarantee Dwight is timing us right now.”

“Don’t trust yourself to distract him so easily this time?”

“We can only convince Dwight he’s been victim of some science fiction phenomenon so many times, Pam. Now quit stalling and give me the good news,” he insisted.

“Okay,” she caved. “Wait for it,” she said slowly, laughing as he just shook his head helplessly. “Wait for it….I got the internship!”

“You got the….what?!” he cried in disbelief. “Oh my God, Pam! The one Jan told you about? When did you even decide to apply? I thought you weren’t going to!”

“I don’t know,” she lied, knowing precisely the moment she decided to go for it. “I guess I just kept thinking about what you said and I just….did it,” she shrugged. “I didn’t want to say anything until I knew for sure one way or the other. I mean, I don’t really know anything about graphic design and I really wasn’t sure they were going to take me. I just got the e-mail a few minutes ago.”

“That is…amazing. I am so happy for you, Pam,” he said, and she could tell he meant it. “Did you um…did you tell Roy you were applying?” he asked cautiously.

“No,” she shook her head. “He doesn’t know yet.”

“Oh. So what are you going to….” The mood suddenly felt a lot less cheerful, and the microwave chimed to signal her water was ready. She busied her trembling hands grabbing the mug and opening the tea, acutely aware of his eyes studying her every move.

“I um…I’m going to tell him it’s over,” she whispered.

He looked completely surprised by the quiet announcement, but honestly, she wondered if he hadn’t seen it coming. As usual, however, everyone in the office had terrible timing, and Ryan walked in to refill his cofee. He looked awkwardly between the two of them as if sensing he was intruding, and then Kelly bounced in and ruined any and all chances for a peaceful conversation. Pam gave him a tight smile and then slipped away back to her computer to start typing the inveitable e-mail.

She was about a paragraph in to her lengthy explanation when her inbox started flashing.

From: jhalpert@dunder-mifflin.com
Subject: Really?

Two surprises in about five minutes, Beesly. I’m impressed. Are you sure that’s what you want to do?
- Jim


She glanced up and saw him looking at her, concerned and yet undeniably hopeful. She deleted everything she’d just written and started a new e-mail.

From: pbeesly@dunder-mifflin.com
Subject: Re: Really?

Jim,
Roy wanted me to be someone else. I could have done it, but somebody told me not to change. And I realised his opinion is the only one I really care about.

- Pam


She stared at the screen for almost a full minute, debating whether or not she should send it. Maybe it was too bold. Maybe it was too forward. Maybe he didn’t really feel the way his words made it sound. She started to doubt hrself and was about to delete everything, and the post-it note still stared at her, daring her to be brave just this once. She clicked the ‘send’ button and began to wait.

Unable to meet his eyes, she tried to look busy and distract herself. Unfortunately, no one was calling today and Michael had locked himself in his office and drawn the shades. Five games of Free Cell later, her inbox still wasn’t flashing and there was still no work needing to be done. Still, she refused to look up from the monitor, terrified he would look up at the same time. Instead she got out a notebook and spent the next ten minutes making a rough still-life of the items on her desk. When it was finished, however, her inbox remained empty and her stomach began twisting into painful knots.

Finally, she couldn’t take it anymore and got up to get some more tea, thinking it might calm her neves a little.

“Hey,” a familiar voice greeted. “Two cups in half an hour. Is that healthy?”

“Better than the coffee you’re always drinking,” she managed, surprised her voice didn’t tremble.

A long awkward silence passed between them, and Pam suddenly wanted nothing more than to slip back to her desk and play about a million more games of Free Cell to try to forget any of this was happening. But it was happening, and dammit, she needed it to happen, needed to break out of this rut of a life she was living, needed to take a chance on something – on someone.

“I was trying to think of the right thing to say,” he finally said.

“About the tea?” she asked in confusion.

“No,” he laughed shortly. “Not about the tea.”

“Oh,” she answered, tugging her sleeves over her hands as she always did when she felt particularly shy or unsure. And she was definitely feeling a bit uncertain right now.

“I need you to help me out here, Pam,” he murmured, his voice lower than usual, thick with emotion. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to say or do right now. And I know what I hope that e-mail meant, but I’m really not sure.”

She swallowed hard and dared to finally meet his eyes once more, surprised by the intensity of his gaze. “I….I’m going to break up with him tonight,” she said, her voice wavering just a little but still managing to sound determined. “It’s the right thing, and it’s what I want, but the truth is…I didn’t realise how wrong he was for me until I met you.”

He nodded slowly, then reached over and placed his hand on top of hers. It was so large, so comforting, able to cover her and protect her from the world and her own heartbreaking decision. She knew she was doing the right thing, but she wasn’t looking forward to the pain of ending a decade of her life, and his hand on hers made her feel like she might be okay anyway. No matter how much the breakup tonight would hurt, it would all be worth it to have these little moments without fear or guilt.

“Do you need me to do anything?” he asked softly. “I know I can’t…is there anything that would…can I make it easier?” he asked uncertainly.

“I don’t think anything can make it easier,” she answered honestly, a lump of emotion forming in her throat as she contemplated telling Roy, seeing his reaction, packing her stuff and leaving him in the ruins of a life that was never meant to be. “Do you think I can stay on your couch tonight?” she asked meekly. “I’ll go to my mom’s for the weekend and then start looking for places, but just tonight…”

“Of course,” he nodded immediately. “Yeah, as long as you need.”

“Thanks,” she said gratefully, hoping he understood that she didn’t just mean about the couch. “I guess we should get back to work then.”

He nodded and released her, and she realised she’d forgotten all about her tea.

***********************************************


When Roy stopped by later that afternoon, he informed her he was going out drinking with his friends and she could take the truck home. It took all her courage to look him in the eye and tell him they needed to talk, and she couldn’t bring herself to look at Jim for a full hour after Roy stormed out. In fact, she and Jim barely looked at each other the rest of the day. There was too much hanging between them now, too much they both wanted to say but couldn’t yet, not until all of this was over. He said a quick goodbye as he darted out the door, but there were no instant messages, no pranks, no shared smiled over the desk.

Roy wasn’t all that happy to be going home instead of out with the guys, so they didn’t speak at all on the short drive home. She quickly changed out of her work clothes into jeans and a t-shirt and then threw a few of the essentials into an overnight bag, making sure everything was ready so she wouldn’t have time to second guess herself. Tomorrow she would come back and pack for the weekend, but right now, she just needed to get through it and get out.

Two hours later, she was standing on Jim’s doorstep with tears streaming down her face. The breakup hadn’t been fast, filled with pleading borne of desperation and promises she knew he would break. By the time she made it out of the apartment, she no longer cared how she looked for Jim, and she had a feeling he wouldn’t care, either. “Oh Pam,” he breathed as soon as he opened the door, enfolding her in a hug as she practically fell into his apartment. He stood there and let her cry for a few minutes, then guided her over to the couch and helped her sit down. “Let me get you some water,” he offered.

She nodded, desperate for anything to keep her mind off the last two hours of absolute misery. She drank it slowly when he returned, trying to ignore the feeling of his eyes on her and the concern practically oozing out of him. She could tell he was nervous and didn’t know what to do, but that made two of them. It would be so easy to just fall into his arms and beg him to erase her memory of this awful night, but she would never forgive herself if she didn’t at least take the time to grieve the life she thought she was going to share with Roy. She owed it to him, and honestly, she owed it to Jim as well.

“Do you…want to talk about it?” he asked when the silence became too much to handle. “You don’t have to. We could always watch The Princess Bride or think up new pranks to play on Dwight. I have a list I’ve been wanting to bounce off of you for a while.”

“You make a list?” she asked, wiping at a few stray tears.

“Well, yeah, of course,” he answered as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Are you telling me you don’t?”

She laughed, but her heart wasn’t in it – it had already been too pulverised by the night’s events. The silence returned, and they both stared down at the carpet in a vain attempt to eliminate the tension and the awkwardness.

“He cried, Jim,” she whispered, still staring at a spot on the carept. “He actually….he cried.

“We don’t have to do this now, Pam,” he shook his head. “You don’t have to talk about it right now.”

“But I need to.”

“Okay,” he nodded, though she could almost swear she saw his eyes widen a little with fear.

“I guess….I don’t know. I thought maybe he wouldn’t be that upset. That maybe he would even be a little relieved. I mean, he finally decided to set a date, but three years of waiting…that means something. I guess I just thought maybe he would have seen this coming, but I was wrong. I was so wrong. I think he really believed he would never lose me.”

“I know it’s hard, Pam, but-”

She couldn’t listen to him, not right now, not until she said everything she needed to say. So she just kept talking, effectively cutting him off. “And even when I was sitting there, I couldn’t help thinking that I’d never made him cry. The only time I’ve ever even seen him shed a tear was at his grandmother’s funeral when we were teenagers. And that just made me think about the fact that I was there for that.” Another lump of emotion rose to her throat, and she involuntarily thought about his tears that day and his tears today, all the years blurring together in a crushing wave of emotions she couldn’t yet name. She ached for all the times he hurt her, the times he put her down and discouraged her and took her for granted, but she also thought about the times he did something thoughtful, the way he looked at her sometimes, the way they group up together and became adults together. Their memories were intertwined, and another part of her ached already with missing the part of her she left in that apartment tonight. “I was there for that. He asked me to be there. He needed me to be there,” she continued. “I was his family, Jim, and he was mine. For ten years we were each other’s family. So much of my life…” she trailed off and dropped her head into her hands, trying to imagine when and if she would ever get over the despair she felt right now.

To his credit, Jim didn’t say anything for the next few minutes, somehow just knowing that as much as she needed him, she also needed to be alone in her own head. He wrapped his arm around her, showing he was there with her, and just let her cry. When the tears dried up, she didn’t make a move, terrified they would start all over again if he took away the safety she felt here. “Hey,” he murmured. “I don’t….I don’t really know what to say here,” he admitted.

“It’s okay,” she choked out, her voice muffled by her hands.

“You just…you have to think about if you want your future to be like your past. It won’t make it hurt less, but at least you know…” he trailed off, and she felt him shift a little in discomfort, still keeping his arm firmly around her. “At least you know you did the right thing. For yourself,” he finished.

“Yeah,” she nodded slowly. “Yeah, I did. It just…really sucks.”

“Eloquently put, Beesly.”

“Suck it, Halpert. I’m sad. You don’t get to tease me right now. You’re going to make me laugh, and I really want to be miserable.”

“Well, if that makes you happy…”

She couldn’t help laughing a little, but a few stray tears still found her way down her cheeks as she slowly forced herself to sit up. As soon as their eyes met all jesting disappeared, and he reached over to gently brush her wild hair away from her damp cheeks. “It should have ended a long time ago,” she murmured. “Sometimes I think he asked me to marry him because he thought it was the only way to fix things between us. Neither of us were really happy anymore, but we still loved each other, so why not get married, right?” she laughed in self-deprecation. “It seems so stupid now.”

“It’s not stupid,” he shook his head. “Don’t say that.”

“I haven’t even told my mom yet,” she sighed. “I wanted to wait until it was done. She would just be worrying. And there are so many people to call and plans to cancel…”

“So call your mom in the morning. Everything else can wait.”

“Caterers and florists and all of the families,” she continued, feeling more and more overwhelmed as she imagined calling these people, sending out those terrible cards with their regrets and no real explanations.

“Hey,” he said quietly, reaching over to place a hand on her knee to still her. “This sucks, Pam,” he said, repeating her own words back to her. “But I’m here. I’m here to help you. With everything.”

It was the first thing all night that made any sense to her. “I know,” she nodded. And she did. She really did.

“C’mon. You should get some sleep,” he said, gently taking her hand and helping her up off the couch. She followed him as she showed her to the bathroom and made sure she remembered where everything was. He didn’t hug her or offer any more words of comfort before leaving her, but she was grateful for that, not certain she could handle anything else right now. She quickly washed her face, brushed her teeth, and changed into sweatpants and a t-shirt, then shuffled back to the couch. As she laid down and drifted into exhausted sleep, she realised she would have to put up a new post-it note tomorrow.

“There’s only one way I know how to get through this,
Stay here, and help me live through this.”
- Joshua Radin, “The One You Knew”

She still got jealous sometimes when women called for him. It was ridiculous, and she knew it, but she couldn’t seem to shake the memories of bright, perky, beautiful Katy calling and asking for him. She couldn’t admit it to herself then, but looking back, she knew that twisty, sick, bubbling feeling in her gut was jealousy. Everything about Katy was just so not her, and she hated it. She felt inadequate, felt less, felt plain. Those feelings were long gone now, replaced by his assurances both spoken and implied, that she was the only one he wanted. But there was just something about a happy female voice asking for Jim Halpert that brought all those memories back, and she preferred to leave the Katy’s of the world to the past.

She made the mistake once of admitting her jealousy to him. They were resting lazily on the couch, watching some absurd reality show on TV and talking casually about their days, and he mentioned a sale that had gone particularly well. She recognised the client’s name, of course, and she remembered how attractive she sounded even over the phone. When she confessed it to Jim, he laughed for almost ten minutes.

“So you think this is funny?” she asked, feeling a little hurt that he found this amusing.

“Pam, Adrienne is like, 45 and has three kids or something.”

“Is she pretty?” she challenged, a small smile threatening to spread over her face as she realised she really didn’t have anything to worry about.

“For a 45 year old?”

“In general, Jim. Answer the question.”

“She’s attractive,” he admitted. “Is now when I’m supposed to tell you she’s nothing compared to you?”

“Yes, that’s the line I was going for.”

“You’re insane,” he laughed, kissing her lightly on the forehead.

“I can’t help it,” she defended herself. “I’m haunted by memories of Katy. It’s really unfair that I have to take all these phone calls from potentially gorgeous women and then just pass them off to you.”

“Wow. There is just….so much,” he shook his head, not sure where to start. “Okay, first of all, Katy and I broke up. Like, a while ago. I broke up with her because of a certain someone else.”

“Do I know her?” she asked innocently.

“Yeah, I think you’re acquainted,” he answered playfully. “And second, you do realise I make a living by taking phone calls, right?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. “Mind you, most of them are horribly ugly.”

“Well, I think from now on I’m going to screen your calls for you. Make sure you only speak to ugly women.”

“And how exactly are you going to do that over the phone?”

“Please, Jim,” she waved her hand dismissively. “I’m a receptionist. I’m an expert at this.”

It had become a bit of a joke between them now. If a woman called for him and she sounded at all attractive, Pam would hold up her fingers to display a ranking from 1-10 to indicate how hot she thought the woman was. In response, Jim would give his own ranking, though he had yet to give anyone more than a three.

It was a boring Thursday afternoon when the call came. They had just finished lunch and returned to their desks for another mind-numbing four hours, and she grinned a little at the chance to joke around with him. “Jim, it’s for you,” she said innocently, holding up nine fingers and laughing to herself as he rolled his eyes and picked up his phone. She waited expectantly for his response, and that was when she realised something was wrong. No fingers, no smile. He clutched the phone a little tighter, and his voice suddenly seemed a lot louder than usual.

“Larissa? Wait, slow down,” he insisted.

She recognised the name immediately and started out of her chair. She hadn’t met anyone in his family yet but he talked about them often, and she knew a call from his older sister in the middle of the work day meant bad news.

“Larissa, please,” he begged her. “You’re not making sense. You’re going too fast. Calm down and tell me what’s going on.”

Holding her breath, she hurried over to his side and placed a steadying hand on his arm. Everyone in the office was staring at them, but she shot daggers with her eyes, trying to make it clear they should just get back to work and leave them alone. She didn’t pick up any of the words that followed, but she was almost certain they didn’t make sense anyway. She felt the way he stiffened in panic, saw the expression on his face. She could feel the utter devastation oozing off of him, and she instinctively wrapped her arms around him as though she could protect him from this.

The phone call lasted no more than three minutes in total, but she felt their worlds changing in those three minutes. He scribbled a few things on a piece of scratch paper, and her heart broke at the way his hand trembled the entire time. “Jim,” she whispered when he hung up the phone.

His hand frantically sought hers, and she grasped his fingers and squeezed tightly. “Pam,” he breathed.

“Come on,” she murmured, slowly standing and pulling him away from his desk to protect him from Michael and Dwight and Kelly and anyone else who thought this might have anything to do with them. “Sit down,” she instructed, as they stepped into the break room. She closed the door behind them and gently forced him down into a chair before kneeling down in front of him and taking both of his hands in hers. She felt like her own heart was being ripped out of her chest as she watched him break, his head dropping to his chest as the tears began to fall. For a terrifying moment, she was afraid she wasn’t strong enough for this, wasn’t strong enough for him. So often over the last few months she turned to him for his support, his guidance, his shoulder to cry on. When the shattered pieces of her past seemed too hard to deal with, he was there for her. He let her cry about Roy, about ten years gone, about all the frightening new things she had to do. She wasn’t the strong one in this relationship, and she wasn’t sure she could be everything he needed her to be right now.

But then she thought about the notes. They no longer adorned the corner of her computer screen, but she still kept them nearby. Shortly after the started officially dating, she bought a tiny antique box at a yard sale they perused on a sunny Saturday afternoon. She tucked the notes in the box, now kept in the top drawer of her desk, along with a hot sauce packet, a yearbook photo, a mixed tape, and a yogurt lid label. Her “Jim box,” as she liked to think of it, reminded her of why she had to be brave. This was Jim - her Jim – and he needed her.

“Hey,” she murmured after a moment. “Talk to me, Jim,” she encouraged.

“I don’t….I can’t…” he stammered, shaking his head as though he could make everything go away.

“Okay, it’s okay,” she murmured soothingly, grasping his hands a little tighter.

“Pam,” he choked again.

“Shh. It’s okay. Just take your time,” she encouraged. He nodded slowly and continued to cry silently, and she forced herself to be patient. It was killing her to wait, but she would sit here with him as long as he needed. She rubbed her thumbs in slow circles over his hands, remembering the way he’d done that for her once and how safe and loved it made her feel.

“My dad,” he whispered after several solid minutes of silence.

“Hmm?” she asked softly.

“My dad is dead.”

The world seemed to stop for approximately ten seconds as she struggled to wrap her mind around the words. “Oh my God, Jim,” she breathed, abandoning her place on the floor in favour of throwing her arms around him. He pressed his face into her shirt and allowed the tears to soak through, reaching up to clutch her side as though she could save him from this sudden feeling of hopelessness and despair. “I’m so sorry,” she murmured into his hair.

“I don’t know what to….what am I supposed to….?”

She suddenly felt crushed by the expectations, by the sudden responsibility of taking care of him in the worst moments of his life, but she knew there was no place she could be except for right here. “I’m here,” she promised him. “I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

“Hey Pam! I need you to-” Michael suddenly began, barging into the breakroom without warning. His eyes grew wide as he took in the scene before him, but apparently he didn’t pick up on the fact that he should just turn around and walk right back out that door.

“Not now, Michael,” Pam said firmly, giving Jim and apologetic look and squeezing his hands once more.

“Whoa, what is going on here?” Michael asked, an oblivious grin spreading across his face. He had his door closed when the call came in, and there was no way he could know what happened, but Pam wished that once, just once, he wouldn’t need it spelled out for him. “Are you two-”

“Michael,” she silenced him with a look. “Jim and I need to go. He’s had a family emergency,” she explained as calmly as possible, knowing any details she gave would only make the situation that much worse for Jim. “I’ll call you later and let you know when we’ll be back.” She made sure her tone left no room for questioning, and she could almost swear she saw Michael’s brain beginning to implode. It wasn’t often she stood up to him, knowing they’d get a lot more done if she just indulged him, but this wasn’t something for his good idea folder (also known as her waste basket) or a ridiculous “team-building” exercise. It was real, raw, painful life, and Jim needed as little Michael as possible.

“Oh. Okay,” he responded slowly. “But who’s going to-”

“Just ask Ryan, Michael,” she answered impatiently. He blinked a few times and stared at her in confusion, but the murderous rage in her eyes finally sank in, and he was out the door in seconds. “I’m so sorry, Jim,” she said quietly.

“No,” he shook his head. “That was….impressive. I’ve never seen Michael move so fast.”

“How about when he was saving himself from the fire Ryan started?”

“I think he’s more afraid of you now than he is of fire.” He actually managed a tiny smile at this, but it disappeared almost instantly as reality crashed back in. “Pam…”

“I know,” she nodded. “I know, Jim. I’m so sorry.”

“I need to go. I need to be there. My mom and Larissa and…oh God, Jonathan,” he said miserably.

“Just tell me where you need to go.”

“You don’t have to…”

“I want to.”

***********************************************************************

The next few hours were a jumble of phone calls and comforting tones and hysteria and tears. They managed to make it out of the office without incident, but she could tell he was barely holding it together as she drove him to the hospital. His brother was the first to call, followed almost immediately after by an aunt and a cousin and someone else she’d never even heard of. With every new phone call the tears started all over again, and it was all she could do to keep her eyes on the road and reach over to take his hand in her free one.

It struck her as she walked him into the hospital, her arm wrapped securely around his, that the first time she would meet anyone in his family was like this. Their first impressions of Pam Beesly would be formed here, in a hospital, after a horrible sudden death. They probably wouldn’t know – or care – who she was right now, and she hated that she had to meet the people he loved in such a traumatic situation. They’d been talking for weeks now about getting together with their respective families, but they were still taking things slowly, and there was always time for that later. Maybe next weekend, or on his mom’s birthday, or during that long weekend coming up. Not here. Not now. Not after his world had just been shattered.

For the rest of the day, she met people she would never be able to keep straight and who barely seemed to notice she was there. Mostly she went on a lot of coffee and food runs, though the coffee always grew cold and the food remained uneaten. Every once in a while after a long hug and another round of crying, Jim would glance over and seek her out, needing find her, needing to know she was still there. Every time she would smile gently and step to his side, intertwining her fingers with his or rubbing her hand over his back. For a few seconds he would turn and press lips against her hair and whisper his thanks, and then he was back to his mom or his brother or his sister.

A lifetime later, she drove him to his apartment to pack a bag. Larissa and Jon and their families were all headed to their parents’ house for the weekend, and she knew he would want to be with them as well as they started the long process of grieving and making all the arrangements for the funeral. They were silent for the twenty minute drive back to his place, and she wondered if she was supposed to offer to come with him or if he would be uncomfortable with her there. His brother and sister were both married, and it made sense for their families to come. She, on the other hand, was just the girlfriend. No one seemed to mind her presence at the hospital, but they were mostly too busy to even register who she was. She didn’t want to intrude on his time with his family, didn’t want to overstep her bounds, but she did want to be there for him. So she followed him into his apartment and sat on the edge of his bed, watching without a word as he slowly and deliberately packed his duffel bag with more clothes than he would ever need for one weekend.

“Do you want….anything to eat?” she asked, cursing herself for own stupidity as soon as the words escaped her lips. That was not at all the question she intended to ask, but she chickened out at the last second and sounded like a moron instead.

He blinked a few times, as surprised by the question as she was, and then shook his head. “No. I’m not hungry.”

“Right,” she nodded as she felt her cheeks burn a little. “I didn’t…stupid question.”

“It’s okay.”

The awkward silence of months ago suddenly returned with a vengeance, and for the first time since panda e-cards and a night of crying on his couch, she found herself averting her eyes from his and tugging her sleeves over her thumbs. She needed to say something smart right now, to look supportive and seem like she had this all figured out, but she really didn’t have a clue about the proper protocol.

“Pam?” he asked her quietly.

“Yeah?”

“You’re coming with me, aren’t you?”

And just like that, she had her answer. He sounded so lost and so vulnerable and she knew no matter who she was to his family, she was going to be there for every painful second. “Yeah, of course,” she nodded. “I should get some stuff from home, though. Is that okay?”

She couldn’t even describe the look of relief on his face as he nodded. “Yeah. No problem.”

She rose and kissed him lightly on the cheek, then took his hand and walked back out to the car. An hour later, she was pulling up to the driveway of a small but charming house on a pretty little cul-de-sac. There was a well-used basketball goal hanging over the garage, and she could just imagine a younger version of Jim out here playing with his dad and brother. As she parked the car, she noticed he was looking at the same goal, lost in a memory. “Hey,” she whispered.

“I just….I can’t believe he’s gone,” he shook his head. “I keep thinking I’m going to wake up and this won’t be happening, you know?”

She didn’t really – she’d never experienced a death like this before – but she
nodded anyway. This morning they woke up at his apartment, drank tea and coffee, showered, and dressed for the day. They chatted casually about plans for the weekend even though it was only Thursday, and then they went to the office and sent instant messages and avoided doing anything that resembled work. It was a perfectly normal Thursday morning, and prior to the phone call, there was no indication something like this might happen. His dad had been healthy and happy, recently retired and looking forward to having some free time with his wife to visit their children and grandchildren. He had been pestering Jim just a few days before, telling him they really wanted to meet Pam and that one of these days he was going to have to bring her over for dinner so they could share humiliating stories of his youth. She couldn’t even imagine how difficult it must be for him to wrap his mind around the idea that his dad would never call again, that they would never shoot hoops in the driveway again, that the big dinner was never going to happen.

“I don’t know if I’m ready to face this,” he admitted.

She turned off the car and shifted slightly in her seat, reaching over to run a hand through his hair. “I don’t know if anyone ever can be, Jim,” she pointed out softly. “I’m just so sorry. I wish there was more I could do for you. I don’t even know….I really don’t know what I’m supposed to say.”

“Just…don’t go anywhere, okay?” he asked meekly.

“I’m not going to,” she vowed seriously. “You want to go in? Or do you need a few more minutes out here?”

“I guess we should go on in,” he sighed heavily, though it was obvious he wanted to be as far from here as he could get right now.


She grasped his hand in hers as they walked to the door, and she didn’t let go of it for the next few hours. Everyone was a little more calm now, hysterics replaced by the ache of missing him, and they took a little more time to acknowledge her presence and include her in their quiet conversations. If anyone found it weird for her to be here, they didn’t show it at all. So she sat with Jim and tried to be his pillar as they tearfully reminisced and spoke in quiet tones about plans, and then she joined Jon’s wife in the kitchen to throw together a dinner no one would end up touching.

Later that night she found herself staring at the navy blue walls of his old room contemplating how much life had changed. With four bedrooms and two bathrooms, the house was going to be a little cramped for the weekend, but she was glad his siblings decided each of them would sleep in their own rooms instead of dividing up boys and girls. Larissa was great, and Jon’s wife was really sweet as well, but she couldn’t really imagine sharing a room with them for a few days. Still, it felt strange to be laying beside him in the bedroom where he grew up. A few months ago she couldn’t imagine even being next to him like this, her head on his chest and his arm around her waist. Now she was here in his childhood home, amidst his trophies and pictures and posters, listening to his heartbeat under her ear. Stranger still was the sense that she belonged here with these things and with these people and with him. There was something so very real about being her now, sharing in his pain and helping him cope. He wouldn’t want just anyone here, and if she was just his girlfriend, he probably would have left her at her apartment with a promise to call her when things settled down a little. But he didn’t do that. He included her – needed her, even. She suddenly felt very grown up, a feeling she’d never had with Roy. She’d never felt this kind of permanence with him, this kind of security that said this is for real, this is it. She always felt like she was playing house with Roy, always pretending to be two mature adults in a real relationship but never really feeling it. She couldn’t explain it and couldn’t put it into words, but the future didn’t seem so scary now. What she had here with Jim, these things they felt for one another, these things that they shared, weren’t the giddy highs of a new relationship or the thrill of mere infatuation. He was still staring up at the ceiling, absentmindedly tracing circles on her back as his mind drifted to the past, but she’d never felt so much in love before.

“He really wanted to meet you,” he said suddenly, his voice breaking the silence of the last hour or so.

“I wanted to meet him, too,” she answered honestly. “I wish we had gotten the chance.”

“We did have the chance,” he responded, and she could feel the regret bleeding from his words.

“Don’t do that, Jim,” she murmured, lifting her head from his chest so she could look him in the eye. “I know everyone says you should live every day like it’s your last or whatever, but all you can do is live your life with the knowledge you have at the time.”

“I know,” he nodded. “But it still just…I wanted him to meet you, Pam,” he said seriously, his voice trembling a little with the grief beneath it. “He was my dad and you’re….Pam,” he said, breathing her name like it was some sort of sacred secret. “I just can’t believe my dad’s not going to be there for…everything.” He was venturing into that unspoken territory now, the future ahead neither of them was brave enough to talk about yet, but he didn’t have to say the words out loud for her to understand. A dad was supposed to be there for advice when the time came to pop the question. A dad was supposed to be there the day his youngest son got married. He’d been there every step of the way for Jonathan and Larissa, but he would miss everything with Jim. The thought brought a lump of emotion to her throat, and she cuddled a little closer and prayed for the right words to say.

“Just because he won’t be there doesn’t mean he won’t be with you,” she said quietly. “And I know that’s pretty much the most cliché thing I could say, but it’s true, Jim. I know he would be proud of you and you have to just carry that with you.”

“He would be proud,” he agreed. “But that’s part of the problem.”

“What do you mean?” she asked curiously.

“It’s just…I’m the youngest. I was always the jokester, the clown.”

“I would have never guessed.”

“Yeah, times have really changed, right?” he laughed shortly. “When I told him and my mom about you….before we were together…they were just so happy I was getting serious about something in my life. But I could just…God, I’m saying way too much,” he shook his head in embarrassment.

“No, you’re not. Don’t worry about what I’m going to think. Just say what you need to say,” she encouraged him.

“It’s just that I had feelings for you for a really long time,” he admitted. “Like, a really long time before I even said anything. And they knew that. They knew I just couldn’t get the guts to talk to you and tell you the truth. So I wanted him to see this, to see us. I wanted him to see me being serious about something. He would be proud, but I was just being stupid and scared. I didn’t want to freak you out. And now you’re thrown into the middle of planning a funeral with these people you’ve never met before, so I think I pretty much failed at not freaking you out anyway.”

“Jim,” she said, her voice holding a gentle warning. “You’re not freaking me out. Nothing about your family or you could ever freak me out, okay?”

“I just didn’t want to do anything to mess this up, you know?” he asked, and she wondered when exactly this stopped being so much about his dad and more about them.

“Yeah, well, what I’m saying is you couldn’t do that, so it’s a moot point. You don’t need to be worrying about me right now. It’s my turn to take care of you, so just let me do that,” she implored.

He nodded slowly and bent his head to kiss her on the forehead, allowing his lips to linger there. “I think what you meant was a ‘moo’ point, Pam,” he said after a few minutes.

“What?” she asked in confusion.

“You said ‘moot.’ The word is ‘moo.’ Like a cow’s opinion. It doesn’t matter because it’s moo.”

She gave a rather unladylike snort as she laughed, and she could feel his chest rumble a little with laughter as well. Yes, this was still her Jim, and silly as it was, it was comforting to know they were going to get through this. “Wow, a ‘Friends’ reference, Halpert? I wasn’t expecting that one at all. How very 90s of you.”

“Please, Pam. I’ve seen your apartment and your scary collection of DVD box sets.”

“I didn’t know you had them memorised.”

“What can I say? You still have some things to learn about me, Beesly.”

“I hope so,” she answered, tilting her head so she could kiss him lightly. Reality returnd as soon as they parted, and she felt him sigh heavily beneath her in exhaustion. “You should sleep,” she suggested softly.

“Yeah,” he agreed quietly. “Hey Pam?”

“Hmm?”

“Stay with me, okay?” he asked in a small voice. “I need you,” he admitted. “I don’t know how to get through this without you.”

She felt tears rushing to her eyes and pressed her lips against his once more so he wouldn’t see her cry. “I promise,” she whispered against his warm skin. They stayed locked in an embrace for a few minutes, but slowly she felt him relaxing, his fatigue finally winning the battle over fear and uncertainty. He was asleep in minutes, but she stayed awake and watched him, wishing she could have met the man who made him into this person she simply couldn’t live without.

“You own me,
There’s nothing you can do.
You own me,
You own me,
Lucky you.”
- “Lucky You,” The National

Sometimes he felt like there were three people in this relationship: him, Pam, and the ghost of Roy. He couldn’t blame her, exactly. She spent a decade with one man, and he left scars and bruises that were always going to hurt. He knew before it even started that Roy would never be completely gone, no matter how much he wished him away. It didn’t interfere with their lives so much as it just hurt. From the day they met, he’d always felt connected to her, and her pain was his pain, period. So when he did something sweet for her and it left her in tears, he felt a knife twisting in hus gut. When he complimented her and she seemed amazed, he wanted to erase a decade. When he remembered milestones and anniversaries, she would tell him about how many things Roy forgot until he was almost murderous. He hated it, hated that she had these painful memories, hated that she was surprised by being treated right.

At the beginning, however, Roy himself wasn’t really a problem. An annoyance, maybe, but never really a problem. They dealt with bad moments from the past and moved on. But at the beginning, Roy didn’t know about them. They kept their relationship quiet for a lot of reasons, especially Michael’s tendency to humiliate people with personal information. But Roy was a big part of it as well. Jim was honestly a little afraid of him, and though he would gladly take a punch or twelve for Pam, he’d just assume avoid the confrontation if at all possible. He had a feeling Roy was the kind of guy who wouldn’t take that particular news well. And there was really no need to rub it in his face anyway. Yeah, there was a part of Jim that wanted Roy to suffer for all the times he hurt Pam, but he knew it wouldn’t really be that satisfying. They were deliriously happy together, and that was really all he could ever ask for. Roy didn’t need to know anything about it.

Things changed after his dad’s death. Everyone knew they were close, but when Pam took time off to be with him during his bereavement leave, it became obvious to everyone they were more than just best friends. When they came back to work, they quit trying to hide that they were a couple. And it didn’t take long for news of their relationship to trickle down to the warehouse. Hours later, Jim was nursing a black eye, a split lip, and a painfully bruised right side.

“So I’ll pick you up at your place in an hour,” Jim said as she unlocked her car. Work had been harder for him to handle since his dad died, and they were going out for a nice quiet dinner to unwind after a chaotic week. Pam insisted on going home to change first, so they unfortunately had to part in the parking lot.

“I can’t wait,” she smiled happily.

“You don’t have to, you know. Everyone knows now. We don’t have to keep up the pretense anymore. We could-”

“Halpert!” an angry voice yelled from across the parking lot, interrupting their playful flirtation.

“Oh my God, Roy,” she breathed in horror.

“Go,” Jim demanded urgently, wanting her far away from this. “Pam, get in the car!” he insisted as Roy came closer and she remained frozen.

But Pam wouldn’t hear it. “Roy,” she said firmly, holding up her hands in an effort to calm him down. “Don’t do this. You don’t need to do this.”

“The hell I don’t!” he shouted furiously, and Jim realised he would not be escaping this unscathed. And he was okay with that, as long as Pam didn’t get hurt in the process. “What the hell, Halpert?”

“Roy, let’s talk about this,” he suggested, moving away from Pam and making sure Roy did the same. “I know you’re mad, but don’t do something you’re going to regret.” He was proud of himself for sounding so rational and in-control when it was obvious this guy could tear him apart, but apparently, Roy didn’t share the sentiment. Before Jim could even react, he was stumbling backward from a blow to the face, and Roy took advantage of the opportunity to punch him again in the ribs.

“Roy!” Pam screamed in terror. “Stop it!”

“Pam,” Jim tried again, holding his side awkwardly and pleading with her with his eyes. He knew Roy didn’t want to hurt her, but if she got caught in the middle of this, he had no doubt she would anyway.

“So how long was she cheating on me?” Roy demanded before Jim could finish his plea.

“She never cheated on you, man,” he managed as he blocked an oncoming blow. “Nothing happened until after-”

Roy quickly and effectively silenced him with a second shot to the face, and Jim crazily wondered if he would still be taking Pam out to dinner tonight.

“Roy, stop it,” Pam begged, the tears in her voice obvious. Roy turned to face her, and though he knew this wasn’t a fight he could win, Jim was determined to spare just a little dignity and got in one good punch to Roy’s stomach. The other man grunted in pain and retaliated with another blow to the ribs. Pam was full-on crying now, but before Jim could do anything about it, Roy was suddenly on the ground screaming in pain. Something in the air made Jim choke, and when he managed to look up, he realised Dwight was the one who ended the fight with a hefty spary of Mace.

“Ah, Jesus,” Roy cursed, and Jim staggered away so he could breathe again. A few of the warehouse guys hurried close behind to gather Roy, and Jim crouched down on his knee to attempt to recover. Everything hurt, and he tasted blood, but at least he was still alive.

“Dwight, what the…where did you get Mace?”

“It’s a standard safety precaution. I keep a variety of weapons strategically placed in case of an emergency.”

“Wow. Okay. I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to keep weapons in the office, but…thanks.”

Dwight just rolled his eyes and huffed at this. “I was doing what any good citizen would do to stop an assault.”

Jim really didn’t know the appropriate response to this, so he just nodded and watched Dwight walk away like nothing happened. As soon as they were alone again, Pam rushed to his side and dropped down before him. “Oh my God,” she breathed, mournfully inspecting the rather pitiful condition of his face.

“I’m alright,” he assured her, though his head hurt and his ribs were screaming.

“No, you’re not,” she cried quietly. “Oh Jim, I’m so-”

“Don’t,” he shook his head sternly. “Don’t apologise for him. Its not your fault.”

Pam ended up driving him home that evening and didn’t stop fretting for the rest of the night. They ordered a pizza, but she barely touched it, too busy keeping ice on his eye so it didn’t swell anymore and constantly checking his bruised ribs. Despite his insistence that it was nothing, she tried to convince him to go to the hospital and refused to let him move from his spot on the couch. Though it was nice to be pampered, he would gladly give it up to wipe the look of guilt and misery off her face. He was in a considerable amount of paint, but he had a feeling it was nothing compared to the punishment she was inflicting on herself. She ahd no reason to feel responsible for Roy’s actions, but it was her ex-boyfriend who gave him this nice variety of bruises. There was nothing he could say or do to convince her to just let it go, so he let her fuss and worry and tried to act like he wasn’t hurting.

When they went back to work on Monday, they had the unpleasant task of writing up a report for Toby. An assault of a fellow employee on company property Roy no longer had a job, so there was an overwhelming amount of paperwork to fill out. It wasn’t until that morning that it even crossed Jim’s mind to be angry at her for absolutely anything about this situation. But when he glanced over and saw her looking positively sick about signing the papers, he was suddenly and irrationally furious. Roy attacked him for no good reason, and she should be more than happy to play a part in his firing. Why should she feel guilty for making him accountable for his behaviour? That day in the break room, they had their first serious fight as a couple.

A few days later, Roy showed up with his parole office to apologise to Jim. He really didn’t want to hear it, and he doubted Roy was all that sincere about his remorse, but for Pam’s sake, he tried to at least be polite about it. He was trying to understand how it felt for her to someone someone she had cared about in such a downward spiral, and despite a few bruises, Jim’s life was going conisderably better. He got the girl Roy lost, and truthfully, that would probably make him insane as well. So he shook hands with Roy, wished him good luck, and hoped it was the last time either of them would ever have to deal with him.

Roy apparently didn’t know how to quit while he was ahead. He should have walked out the door and never looked back, but instead, he had the nerve to stop by reception and ask Pam to get a cup of coffee with him. Jim expected her to flat out reject him, but instead, she quietly agreed.

They didn’t speak for the rest of the day.

“Jim, try to understand,” she pleaded with him as they sat down with the Chinese takeout she brought over as a peace offering.

“I do understand. That’s the problem,” he retorted angrily. She was here now, trying to reconcile, and that should mean something to him, but he couldn’t get the image of her leaving with Roy out of his head. “Do you understand, Pam?” he asked her. “Do you know how humiliating…and hurtful that was to me? For everyone to see you leaving with him?”

“I’m sorry I hurt you,” she answered evenly. “But I’m not going to live my life worrying about what everyone else thinks, and you shouldn’t, either.”

“That’s not what it’s about. You should have considered me, Pam.”

“I’m sorry, I was under the impression I was dating Jim now, not Roy. I didn’t realise I was supposed to consult you about everything I do.”

For the first time in their relationship – and probably ever – he could barely stand the sight of her. “I’m not doing this tonight,” he shook his head gravely. “I have never tried to control you, and I thought you might be a little more sensitive to how it makes me feel to see you leave with him. Do you have any idea how many times I had to do that?” he asked rhetorically. He shook his head again to clear away the dark memories and then pushed his plate away, no longer hungry. “I think you should just go. I’m not really in the mood for dinner now.”

Her fac fell as she realised hust how far she pushed him. They hadn’t fought often, and when they did, it was so trivial it was laughable. This recent series of fights about Roy were the only times yelling had been involved, and this was the first time he ever wanted her to leave. “Jim,” she whispered. “I’m sorry.”

“Doesn’t seem like it.”

“I am,” she insisted. “I shouldn’t have….that was uncalled for. You know I don’t think you’re anything like him.”

“You still left with him, Pam. After he beat me up. He attacked me, if you’ve forgotten that. How could you go anywhere with him?” he asked miserably, not trying to hide his hurt and frustration. He would never have been okay with her seeing Roy, but he might have been able to tolerate it before the incident in the parking lot. Now it was just insulting, like she didn’t care what happened. Even though he knew that wasn’t true, a part of him just needed to hear her say she could never forgive Roy for hurting him.

“I think you’re getting the wrong idea about this,” she said quietly. “I could kill him for what he did to you. He deserved everything that’s happened, and I don’t feel bad about it, but it’s hard for me to be in the middle. The only reason I agreed to have cofee with him is because I need this finished.”

“I thought it was finished when you started dating me,” he retorted.

“Jim,” she sighed, obviously trying hard to remain patient.

“Explain it to me, Pam. Explain to me why you needed to be alone with him and didn’t even bother to ask me how I felt about it.”

“There were things I needed to say to him that I couldn’t say in front of the whole office!” she exclaimed. “And I’m sorry if you thought I was forgiving him or trying to…I don’t know…but I wasn’t. I told him it was done and he couldn’t expect me to be sympathetic after he beat you up. That’s it, Jim,” she said seriously. “I told him I’m happy and he needs to leave me alone. I just….I thought after ten years we needed a little
closure.”

He felt himself softening a little bit with her reasoning, but he still felt the sting of her wounded pride. “And that’s it?” he asked quietly.

“Of course that’s it,” she nodded. “I love you and I want this to work,” she said with unwonted earnesty. “I want to know he won’t try anything again.”

“I just…I’m never going to be okay with him,” he admitted, feeling the last of his anger ebb away, replaced by weariness and heavy memories.

“I know,” she acknowledged, reaching across the table to take his hand. “I would never ask you to be. I’m sorry I didn’t make it clear why I agreed to talk to him.”

“I’m sorry I overreacted,” he brought himself to apologise.

“Are we okay now?” she asked itmidly.

“Yeah,” he nodded slowly. “We’re okay.”

And they had been. For a long time, everything was wonderful again. They spent the rest of the evening making up, and after that, things returned to normal. For a while it seemed like Roy and all the unpleasant memories that came with him were in the past. Closure did Pam some good, and she was really starting to put that phase of her life behind her. The internship was coming to a close, and she really loved doing graphic design. So much, in fact, that she decided to take some classes when the internship was up. He couldn’t be more proud of her, and his pride encouraged her growth. She was no longer meek little Pammy, and the bold new Beesly turned out to be even more amazing than he imagined.

They had just moved in together when Roy came crashing back into their lives. They had heard through the grapevine that his luck hadn’t improved, but they made it a point to stay away from the gossip whenever they could. Still, it was impossible not to hear about it, so they knew more than they wanted about his inability to hold down a job. His drinking had gotten out of control in Pam’s asence, and it was taking a toll on his life. His mother called once, begging Pam to talk to him, but she calmly explained that she really couldn’t be a part of that anymore.

Everything changed a week ago. The strict no-contact policy ended when Roy was arrested. He hit another car while driving drunk, and though he was lucky no one was seriously hurt in the accident, he was in a lot of trouble. He called Pam that night from jail, sobbing and begging for help and claiming there was no one else to call. Even Jim had to admit the other man’s descent was terrible to watch, so he forced himself to be the bigger man and volunteered to drive her down to the jail to talk to him. He didn’t mind her helping out in a crisis, and he had absolutely no reason not to trust her, but he did want Roy to see that she moved on, that they were happy together, that he needed to pick himself up and try to figure out a life without her. Pam appreciated the gesture, and she very calmly and very explicitly spelled out how much they were willing to help.

All of that was fine and good. Jim called a lawyer he knew, and Pam agreed to call Roy’s mom to explain what happened. When they left that night, Pam sighed heavily and laid her head against his arm. She cuddled closer than usual that night, and her whispered “I love you” begged for his comfort. He gladly gave it, and they fell into an exhausted sleep all wrapped up in another.

Then the phone calls started. Roy was desperate and begging for her help. It was sad and pitiful and messy, and Jim could tell she was torn between compassion and frustration. So the first time she agreed to meet up with him, he didn’t protest. The second time, he was a little annoyed. Roy needed a friend, that much was certain, but why did it need to be Pam? She had a happy and full life that no longer included her ex-fiancé, and Roy needed to realise that and let go. Still, he was trying to be unfailingly supportive and prove that he wasn’t insecure about anything anymore, so he didn’t say anything. When she left an hour ago, however, climbing out of their bed at 2 AM to go to Roy’s aide, he lost his carefully constructed grasp on control. He thought he’d been very mature and understanding about the whole situation thus far, but there was only so much a guy could handle of his girlfriend’s ex. He told her as much, but the words hadn’t come out quite so nice. In fact, some of them were downright cruel. Now he wasn’t sure where she was and if she was returning tonight, and he was miserable.

He laid awake staring at the ceiling for another hour, playing back the fight in his head and hoping to hear her key in the door. He knew there would be more yelling and harsh words when they faced each other again, but even that would be better than laying here wondering where she was and if she was coming home. It struck him how incredibly jealous he was acting when he’d always been the cool, laid-back guy, but that’s what she did to him. The thought of losing her, no matter how unlikely, made him crazy. And if this was another friend who just so happened to be a guy, he probably wouldn’t have an issue with it at all. But this was Roy. This was the guy Jim hated for years. This was the guy he had to watch her with while he sat on the sidelines and prayed she would come to her senses. Sometimes he just lost all sense of reality when it came to Roy Anderson simply because he’d been jealous of him since the day he found out she was engaged.

It was just after 3:30 when she quietly slipped in the front door. He braced himself, ready for the screaming, but instead he heard the soft buzz of the television, followed by the unmistakable sound of crying. Great, now he was going to have to forget about his own issues for a few minutes and worry about her instead. He really wanted to be an asshole right now and make her feel bad for torturing him like this, but he was helpless in the face of Pam Beesly’s tears. “Pam?” he asked as he shuffled out to the living room and found her clutching a pillow to her chest.

“Hey,” she sniffled, surprised at being caught. “I thought you’d be asleep.”

“And miss Round Two of Beesly vs. Halpert?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. He really shouldn’t be making jokes right now, but God help him, she was crying and he needed her to stop. “The first round was really exciting. And I hear he came up with some really witty remarks while she was gone.”

“Yeah, and I hear she has a few of her own cutting comparisons to Roy for him.”

“Ouch, really? She’s going to go for the extra point? Bold,” he nodded in feigned appreciation.

“Yeah, it’s supposed to be a really entertaining show.”

“Now how could I miss that?”

She wiped at her eyes, trying to clear away the tears, and he decided it was time to drop the joke. He grabbed a box of tissues off the end table and silently sank down onto the couch next to her. “Are you going to talk to me or are you just going to yell at me some more?” she asked as she accepted a few tissues and wiped again at her tear-streaked face. Her eyes were bloodshot and her cheeks splotchy, so he knew she started crying long before making it back to their apartment.

“I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “I guess I haven’t quite decided yet.”

“Where the hell did that come from, Jim? I’ve never heard you that angry with me before,” she shook her head.

“Where did it come from?” he asked incredulously. “Pam, it was two in the morning. Your ex-fiancé called you in the middle of the night, and you had no qualms leaving to go comfort him. How would you feel if one of my ex-girlfriends called me in the wee hours of the morning?”

“Pretty awful,” she admitted. “But he wasn’t just a boyfriend, Jim. I was with him for ten years. I’ve known him-”

“Exactly,” he said meaningfully. “He’s not just an ex-boyfriend. It was a lot more serious than that, and it’s hard enough trying to forget about him without him calling you every other day now.”

“Okay, I can see why it bothers you,” she conceded. “But I guess I’m confused because you’ve been so supportive about this. I would understand if you had gotten upset the first time he called, but you were…amazing. I thought you were over it and everything was fine, or I never would have gone to meet him in the first place. It was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde tonight.”

“I thought I was getting points for being mature about it,” he admitted, just a little embarrassed to confess his ulterior motives for being so understanding about the first two times Roy called. “You have to know it bothers me, Pam.”

“How?” she asked incredulously. “How can I know that if you act like everything is fine?”

She had a point. “Because,” he answered lamely, wanting to smack himself in the face as soon as the word slipped out.

“That’s helpful, Jim,” she said wryly.

“Come on, you know how I feel about him.”

“Of course I do, but I thought you were getting over it. I know you’ll never like him, but I thought you were done being jealous of him since there’s absolutely nothing to be jealous of. Do you really think any of this is going to change anything between you and me?”

“No,” he confessed, staring down at the floor and wondering when exactly she got the upper hand here. “I just…I thought we would help him out and then things would go back to normal. I didn’t expect him to keep calling…or for you to just go in the middle of the night.”

Pam sighed in exhaustion and frustration and dropped her head back against the couch. She clenched her eyes shut, but a few tears still managed to leak out from beneath her closed lids. “I don’t know, Jim,” she shook her head after a moment. “I don’t know how to deal with this anymore.”

His stomach did a painful flip-flop as his heart rate picked up just a little. “What?”
he asked nervously. “What do you mean? You mean…us?”

“No,” she assured him quickly. “No, not us, just….us and him.”

“I don’t understand.”

She slowly raised her head again and turned to face him. “I feel responsible, Jim,” she confessed. “I feel responsible, and it sucks.”

“Responsible? For what?” he asked in confusion, reaching over to take her hand. “For him?”

“Well, I am in a way, aren’t I? I mean, it’s my life and I know I shouldn’t feel guilty for doing what makes me happy, but it’s just so hard to sit back and watch him destroying his life without feeling like it’s my fault. I did this to him. And I know he’s responsible for his own choices, and I know I didn’t make him do any of these stupid things he’s done, but it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t broken up with him.”

“Pam,” he breathed, a wave of sadness washing over him as he realised just how terrible this all made her feel.

“It’s stupid, I guess,” she shook her head. “I want to move on as much as you do, but it’s almost like I feel bad for being so happy while his life is falling apart.”

He squeezed her hand and took a deep breath as he carefully considered the right words to say to her. He was slowly beginning to understand how conflicted she was, how conflicted she must feel trying to do the right thing and live her own life at the same time, and it made his own personal issues with Roy seem a little more petty. “I’m sorry,” he found himself apologising.

“For what?” she asked in surprise.

“For…lots of yelling.”

“I get it, Jim,” she sighed wearily. “I just wasn’t expecting it.”

“Me either. I’ve never been like this before. This jealous. And it’s not that I don’t trust you…you know I do,” he said seriously. “But sometimes I can’t think straight when it comes to you. The thought of not having this…having you…I lose it,” he shrugged. “You own me, Pam. You own me, completely. And there’s nothing you can do about it, so lucky you, huh?” he laughed shortly.

But she didn’t laugh. Instead, she slipped her arm around his and laid her head on his shoulder. “Yeah,” she agreed, though there was no irony in her tone. “Lucky me.”

They sat like that for a few minutes, feeling each other, allowing their emotions to calm and relax, letting the tension flood away. “He drove you away, Pam,” he finally spoke up again. “Maybe you were never right for each other, but there was something there once or you wouldn’t have been with him. He let it happen. He didn’t just wake up one day and you were gone. I’m not saying that because I think it’s wrong for you to want to help him, but you shouldn’t feel like the bad guy. Roy let it slip away.”

“I don’t want to talk about Roy anymore,” she shook her head, sliding her hand up his arm and forcing him to turn to face her again. There were still tears glimmering in her eyes, but there was also love and a need he could never ignore.

“We probably need to talk about it sometime,” he answered, though it sounded weak even to his own ears.

“Yeah,” she agreed, rising from the couch and taking his hand. “But not tonight.”

“I don’t see what anyone can see
In anyone else but you.”
- “Anyone Else But You”, The Moldy Peaches

Jim’s heart beat rapidly in his chest, and his palms were sweating profusely. Dwight kept giving him suspicious stares, and Pam had already sent two instant messages asking if he was okay. He said yes, of course, but truthfully, he was about as far as he could be from okay. This felt serveral hundred times worse than the first date jitters and worlds away from the nervous energy the first exhilarating time they undressed one another. No one ever told him he was going to feel like throwing up and passing out at the same time, and he wondered how so many millions of men could survive this experience. His brother had done it, Michael had done it once (albeit unsuccessfully), and hell, even Roy had done it! So why did he feel so shaky and lightheaded?

He really needed to calm down. He didn’t want it to be like this. He just built this moment up so much in his mind, thought about it and planned for so long, and he was terrified he was going to blow it. If he didn’t get his act together soon, however, he really was going to ruin everything. She would be onto him soon if he couldn’t compose himself. Thinking fast, he jumped out of his chair and escaped to the bathroom for some cold water on his face and a few deep breaths. Man up, he told his haggard reflection. He took one more deep breath, then emerged from the bathroom and headed over to reception to try to counter the damage he’d done earlier with his worrisome behaviour. He popped a jelly bean in his mouth and leaned against reception, hoping he looked a little better than he did a few minutes ago.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” she asked him worriedly. “You were looking pretty sick.”

“Michael’s last e-mail,” he rolled his eyes. “They sometimes have that effect. Shouldn’t have eaten so much right before sexual harassment day.” If she remembered that he barely choked down a piece of toast this morning, she let it slide.

“It’s probably wise not to eat anything right before any kind of seminar Michael is having,” she agreed.

“So how bad you think this one’s going to be?”

“Well, the blow-up doll wasn’t in its normal place this morning, so on a scale of one to ten, somewhere around a twelve,” she answered wryly.

“I’m going with thirteen.”

“Good call.”

“So I have something really important I need to ask you. It’s kind of serious, so if you need to think for a minute, I understand,” he said, trying hard to keep a straight face.

“Oh. Okay. Um, break room?”

“No,” he shook his head. “Just think before you answer, okay?”

“Yeah, sure,” she nodded, her eyes growing a little wide.

“There’s no good way to ask this, so I’m just going to say it. Will you still need me? Will you still feed me when I’m 64?” he managed to ask without laughing. “Just tell me the truth.”

A smile played on the edge of her lips, but she resisted, always up for a challenge. “That depends. Will you rent me a cottage on the Isle of Wight?”

“If it’s not too dear,” he shrugged.

“I hate you.”

“No, you really don’t,” he smiled happily, his nerves mostly forgotten now.

“Are you ever going to let me live that down? It is on your iPod, so I can hardly be judged for listening to it,” she pointed out.

“It’s not that you were listening to it. It’s that you were listening to it very loudly….and singing along,” he reminded her, loving the way her cheeks immediately flushed the colour of her sweater. “It was one of the cutest things I’ve ever seen.”

“Just one of them?” she teased.

“I’ll get back to you on the rest. I better get back to work. Lunch in an hour?”

“Sounds good,” she smiled, and he resisted the urge to lean over and kiss her on the cheek before heading back to his desk. Thankfully, their playful banter had rid him of the urge to throw up, and he was no longer sweating. All he needed to do now was think of the perfect thing to say, and his plan could be underway.

Honestly, he didn’t mean to snoop through her desk. This whole thing had been a rather serendipitous mistake. Three weeks ago she woke up with a fever, a cough, and a pounding headache. She used up her sick days taking time off during his bereavement leave, so the first two days of her illness, she dragged herself into work. By day three, he couldn’t sit at his desk and watch her misery any longer. Her fever hadn’t relented at all, and she alternated between freezing cold and burning up, so she had barely slept the night before. He turned off the alarm so as not to wake her, then called Michael and informed him she was staying home today. He retrieved a large glass of orange juice and left it on the nightstand with a note explaining she was under his direct orders to stay in bed all day. After checking to make sure there was plenty of soup in the fridge, he reluctantly kissed her warm forehead and left to spend a boring day at the office.

Despite the fact that Jim promised to give up some of his own sick days for Pam, Michael still insisted on making a huge show of her absence. Ryan filled in and answered the phone most of the day, but unfortunately, he was also supposed to go out on a sales call with Stanley around three o’clock. To spare everyone the inevitable theatrics, Jim rescheduled his own sales call and volunteered to cover the desk for her.

Ten minutes in, he discovered why Pam had time for so many sketches. He didn’t realise anything could be more boring than his own job, but clearly, he was wrong. Five games of Free Cell later, the phone rang for the first time in hours. The call was for Stanley, so Jim opened the top drawer of her desk for some of those little memo pads she wrote message on. He smiled just a little, thinking of how they had been used for their entertainment, sometimes with commentaries on Michael’s behaviour, some with ideas for pranks, and a few that made them blush. More than once, her infamous message pad had been used to request his assistance in the supply closet or on the roof. He located the pad, wrote down the message, and then went to put it back in the drawer. And that was when he saw the box.

At first, he didn’t think much of it. He remembered her buying it and being inordinately thrilled with the purchase, but it was another twenty minutes or so before he started to wonder why she would bring it to the office. Most of her supplies – pens and staples and paperclips – were sorted in neat little plastic trays. The boxed seemed a strange addition to the top drawer of her desk, and eventually, curiosity got the best of him. He felt just a little guilty, but she shared everything with him anyway. He recognised her neat handwriting on the bright orange notes, but at first, he had no idea why she had written them. As he racked his brain, however, he realised why all the words were familiar – these were his words. He recalled these moments between them, the whispered confessions, the solemn declarations. A slow smile spread over his face, and his heart did a little flutter in his chest. He suddenly wished he could just be at home beside her, repeating these words back to her and reminding her how much he meant all of them. It was such a sweet sentimental thing to do, such a testament to her affection. After all, he had his own Pam box once, filled with even more ridiculous items like hot sauce packets and a yearbook photo.

When he went home that night, he didn’t say a word about his little discovery. Though he would love to tease her about it, the plan was beginning to form in his mind. He needed more time to think and prepare, but he knew her little box was going to be exactly what he needed. He warmed up her soup, fluffed her pillows, and recounted the more humourous highlights of the day, leaving out the little tidbit that he’d been at her desk for two hours.

Over the next few weeks, the plan grew and developed and began to take shape. Their one year anniversary was last Monday, and initially, he thought he would do it then. After the box discovery, however, he decided it needed to be a little less predictable. So he bought flowers and made reservations at a fancy restaurant, then surprised her with a pair of tiny diamond earrings. She was excited, of course, and presented him with an amazing watercolour that was promptly given a place of honour in the living room, but he knew there was another piece of jewellery she was hoping for that night. At some point all the “ifs” becoames “whens,” and their future together was a certainty instead of a possibility or even a probability. He almost felt bad for disappointing her, but he reminded himself she wouldn’t have to wait much longer. He wasn’t about to let this drag on, all-too aware of her incredibly long courtship with Roy followed by years of engagement with no wedding. Jim Halpert was not going to take her for granted, but he wanted her to have the big moment. Roy casually asked her in bed one night, and he didn’t have anything to prove, but she deserved the surprise, the big gesture, the story she would repeat over and over again. So he picked Tuesday, just a week after their one-year anniversary. Michael had already announced plans for another update on sexual harassment policy, and he knew it would be the perfect time to surprise her.

He picked out the ring several months earlier while visiting his brother in Philadelphia. Jon, of course, told him to go for it right away. His family adored Pam, and they were anxious for him to make it official, but he needed a few months to save first. He put down a deposit to hold it until the time was right, and then over the weekend, he drove back to Philadelphia to pick it up. It was a long drive for a ring, but it was more than worth it.

And now all that was left were the right words. The velvet box was sitting in the top drawer of his desk, just waiting for him to put the rest of the plan into motion. But he’d spent the whole morning trying to think up the right words and still had nothing. Of course he’d been spontaneously romantic at least four times before, but when he actually tried to think of something, all he could think of was lame movie quotes. Somehow, he didn’t think anything from a Meg Ryan movie was going to do the trick. He’d gone so far as to write out ideas on a piece of legal paper, then promptly ripped it up and disposed of it.

In the end, his inspiration came from an unlikely source. He looked up and saw Kelly kiss an embarrassed Ryan on the cheek, then wondered for the hundredth time what it was exactly either of them saw in the other. They were such an unlikey couple, and Kelly clearly grated on his nerves. There had to be something worth sticking around for, but Jim really couldn’t figure it out. Then again, he couldn’t imagine seeing anything in someone who wasn’t Pam.

And that was it. He had it. He grabbed a post-it note, scribbled out the question with trembling hands, and retrieved the ring from its box in the drawer. It didn’t take long for Michael to summon her into his office with an urgent request, and he jumped at the small window of opportunity. He had only a few seconds to plant the ring and the note without her noticing, but he managed to pull it off and then grabbed a cup of water so he would have an excuse to be up. He smiled sweetly at Pam as she walked by, then headed back to his desk.

Right at noon, he grabbed her jacket for her and informed her they were going out for lunch. She looked a little surprised, but he wanted to make sure they had a few uninterrupted moments alone. “So are you excited for Michael’s sexual harassment seminar today?”

“Are you sure we can’t just sneak out for the rest of the day?”

“Oh, come on, you love sexual harassment day.”

“As my boyfriend, I am fully expecting you to spare me from humilation today,” she warned him.

“Not in my job description, Beesly,” he shook his head.

“Jiiiim,” she whined. “You’ve been at these. You know what he’s going to do.”

“Speaking of humiliation,” he changed the subject. “Did you happent to notice Kelly practically molesting Ryan at his desk today?”

“I go out of my way not to notice. It was almost amusing in the beginning, but now I’m just starting to get a little disgusted.”

“Yeah, I really don’t understand that relationship,” he shook his head, starting to
feel his palms sweating once more.

“I know Kelly can be annoying, but-”

“Wait, can be?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Okay, is,” she corrected herself. “But he’s just using her now. That’s never justified,” she said seriously.

“There’s got to be something he sees in her, or I really hope he would just break up with her.”

“I don’t know,” she shook her head. “I just think it’s really cruel of him.”

“It is,” he agreed, taking a bite of his sandwich and timing himself so he made sure he got this just right. “I don’t see what anyone sees in anyone but you, so maybe I’m not a good judge.”

She immediately stopped eating and looked up, the expression on his face telling him he hit the nail on the head.

“What?” he asked, feigning self-consciousness and inwardly crowing with pride.

“Nothing,” she tried to play it off even as a deliriously happy smile spread across her face. She turned back to her food, and he watched her for just a moment in pure satisfaction and near-giddiness. Not much longer now, he was certain.

They slipped back into the office and parted with a chaste kiss on the lips. He tried to pretend like he was focusing and not wondering when she was going to jot his words down on a post-it note, but unfortunately, as soon as she sat down, the phone rang. And then rang again. Jan was not surprisingly pissed off with Michael about something he’d done or hadn’t done, and as usual, Pam was the one who had to try to run interference. He shot her a sympathetic look, but his heart once more began its rapid flutter. Michael would insist on holding their meeting soon, and he really didn’t know if he’d be able to survive that with his ring sitting in a box at Pam’s desk. He might actually lose his mind if she didn’t find it before the seminar.

“What’s wrong with you?” Dwight asked after a few minutes.

“What are you talking about, Dwight?”

“You look nervous. Uncomfortable. What have you done?”

“Why do you assume I’ve done something?” he asked, not lifting his eyes from the paper he was pretending to study. Really, he didn’t even know what it was.

“Your eyes are wandering. You’re sweating. You’re tapping your foot repeatedly,” Dwight listed off. “Classic signs that you’re nervous about something, which probably means that you’ve done something and you’re afraid of being caught.”

“No, it’s just….” he trailed off and looked around the office for dramatic effect. “Okay, you can’t say anything.”

“I wont’,” Dwight swore quickly, leaning over in anticipation of the secret.

“It’s just…Pam and I heard something on the news on the way back from lunch today,” he whispered.

“What? What did you hear?”

Why did he have to make this so incredibly easy? “The CIA has gotten some reports suggesting terrorists might be attempting to infiltrate midsize companies in the upper Northeast.”

“That’s ridic-”

“Paper companies, especially,” he continued.

“Why would they do that?”

“Think about it, Dwight. It’s subtle, it’s unexpected. No one would ever think to investigate a company like Dunder-Mifflin for terrorist activity. They destroy us from the inside, and they do this with hundreds or thousands of companies until the economy eventually crumbles. Pam and I realised….we just don’t know who we can trust here, you know?” he asked, feinging real, actual concern about this.

“You think it could be Kelly?” Dwight asked conspiratorially.

“No,” he shook his head. “Too obvious. Probably someone like Phyllis. Maybe Angela,” he added thoughtfully. That effectively shut Dwight up, and he was once more able to return to his paperwork.

Just when Pam finally returned to her desk, looking frustrated and annoyed, Michael emerged from his office and summoned everyone into the conference room. Of course. Just when he finally had his chance, Michael calls them into their meeting. He had never, ever hated his boss as much as he did right at this very moment. He rose reluctantly and looked over to Pam, but she waved him on. “I have a few faxes Jan wants me to send,” she rolled her eyes. “Save me a seat,” she requested.

Jim nodded and forced a smile, fighting the urge to just ram his head against a wall. He followed his other co-workers into the conference room and found two empty seats in the corner of the room where he could just sit and sulk for the next hour or so of this ridiculous meeting. At this rate, Pam might not have a chance to open the box at all today, and if she didn’t do it today, would she have forgotten about it by tomorrow? He would have to come up with something all over again. He would have to sweat and shake and fret once more, and he was beginning to wish he’d just asked her last week at their anniversary dinner. At least he would have gotten to ask her the question.

Michael was just finishing his second inappropriate joke in two minutes when the door to the conference room suddenly burst open. Everyone turned to look at Pam, and immediately, Jim jumped up out of his seat. She was beaming radiantly even as tears streamed wildly down her cheeks, and something was glittering in her left hand. “Um, excuse me, Pam,” Michael said, annoyed that everyone’s attention was no longer directed towards him. “We are in the middle of a very important meeting, which you have just very rudely interrupted.”

But Pam didn’t seem to even notice that Michael had said anything. She was too busy staring at Jim, and he was staring right back at her, waiting for the magic word. The room had suddenly grown completely silent, and all Jim could hear was his own heart pounding in his ears. Come on, Pam. Say something. Please, I can’t take this, he thought desperately.

“Pam,” he began. “I…”

Before he could finish, she was half-running and half-skipping across the conference room. She threw her arms around him and began to cry as they embraced. “Yes,” she managed through the tears.

“Really?” he asked, almost afraid this was’nt really happening.

She laughed deliriously and stepped back just far enough to kiss him passionately on the lips, obviously not worried about their audience.

“Oay, see, this is exactly the kind of thing we’re talking abut here,” Michael said,
attempting to draw the eyes back to him. “Get a room, you two! We’re trying to have a meeting here!”

“Michael, shut up!” Kelly squealed. “Oh my God, you guys are totally getting married, aren’t you?”

The room erupted with a chorus of “awws,” but Jim and Pam were in their own private world. “Do you like the ring?” he whispered, picking up her hand and admiring the way it looked on her finger. He immediately decided he’d made the perfect choice, and after so many years of staring at a ring on her hand and hating everything it meant for him, he couldn’t believe she was finally his.

“I love it,” she answered, still crying softly.

“Show us, Pam!” Kelly urged her excitedly. “Please please please can we see it?”

Jim wrapped a protective arm around her waist as she finally turned to acknowledg the roomful of people staring at them. She held out her hand to show Kelly, and soon all the women of the office were inspecting it and voicing their approval. The other responses were typical, with Stanley looking bored as ever, Ryan looking at Kelly in complete terror, and Toby looking like a lost puppy.

“Michael, you should totally let them go home,” Kelly advised him. “They need to celebrate, and ooh! Start planning a wedding! Oh Pam, can I be a bridesmaid? Please?”

Pam looked to Jim to save her, and he quickly swept in for the rescue. “Well, we still need to pick a date and everything. We’ll have a lot to think about. We might just have a really small wedding,” he informed her, knowing Pam would want an intimate affair instead of the huge event she and Roy were going to have.

In the end, Michael did let them go home, though they paid the price in inappropriate comments about what they were going to do when they made it back to the apartment. There was no way he would ever get everyone to focus for the sexual harassment seminar, so really, Jim had done a service to the whole office by proposing today.

“This is so gorgeous,” Pam sighed happily a few hours later as she lay tangled up in the sheets beside him and once more admired the ring on her finger. “When did you get it?”

“I picked it out months ago,” he admitted. “It was in Philly. That’s why I really drove up there over the weekend.”

“But how did you know about the box?” she asked curiously. “When were you snooping in my desk?”

“I wasn’t snooping in your desk,” he defended himself. “It was when you were sick. I covered the desk for a few hours while Ryan was out. I opened the drawer to get a message pad and found it. Do you care?” he asked nervously. “I just saw it and couldn’t figure out why you would have it at work. I couldn’t help myself.”

“I don’t mind,” she shook her head, planting a light kiss on his cheek and sidling up a little closer. “I’m a little embarrassed you found it, but since you used it to ask me to marry you, I don’t think I can be too upset.”

“I hope not,” he smiled in pure bliss, reaching over to cup her face and kiss her again.

“So does this mean you’re done saying romantic things to me? Or are you just going to always have an ulterior motive from now on?” she asked playfully.

“Oh, I’ve always had an ulterior motive,” he answered casually.

“Oh really?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. “And what’s that?”

“Making you fall in love with me, of course. I think it worked rather well.”

She giggled a little and looked up at him with a smile he wanted to remember for the rest of his life. “You do, do you?”

“Oh yeah,” he nodded, kissing her bare shoulder, then her neck, then her lips. “Absolutely I do.”