Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

---

Pam was a little drunk. Not that drunk – she wasn’t like Roy, doing snorkel shots with Darryl – but she’d had a few beers and hadn’t eaten much that day, so she was feeling loose, comfortable, happy. Happy drunk. She asked Jim if he wanted to go out on deck and get some fresh air.

He looked a bit surprised, glanced over at Katy (who was cheering on Darryl with Roy) and said, “Absolutely. Sure.”

They walked out into the cold night air.

“It’s getting kind of rowdy down there.”

“Yeah. Darryl, Darryl, Darryl,” Jim mimicked Roy and they both laughed. Pam loved that she and Jim found the same things amusing. Like Katy’s cheer at the table – Pam couldn’t help but mock that just a bit. She was probably just a little jealous… okay, a lot jealous. Katy was the kind of girl that guys looked at. Really looked at. Pam was the kind of girls guys generally looked through. Katy was perky, pretty, fun. The way she had slid her hand around Jim’s arm at the table, holding onto his bicep so comfortably . . . she was confident. It made Pam a tiny bit happy that Katy had done that cheer, not even realizing that it was sort of pitiful. But, pitiful or not, she was gorgeous – Roy was even flirting with her. And Pam felt a little queasy that girls like Katy liked guys like Jim. It made her uncomfortable that he wasn’t her secret treasure . . . that anyone with eyes would realize what a catch he was. He could probably get any girl that he wanted, and . . . well . . . apparently right now he wanted Katy.

But Katy wasn’t right for Jim, and that is what tamed Pam’s jealousy from a rolling boil down to a simmer. Katy didn’t like the same movies as Jim did, she didn’t get the same jokes, and she laughed kind of vapidly too often, at things that weren’t all that funny. Pam knew that Jim would rather be mocked for making a bad joke than laughed at undeservedly. Katy didn’t see the difference, and that made Pam feel better. Jim would eventually tire of that, wouldn’t he?

Although . . . Katy was the one who got to go home with Jim tonight. She’d get to hold his hand on their way off the boat, she’d get to ride in his car, maybe with her hand on his thigh while he drove. She’d get to go back to his place and kiss him, touch him, hear him say her name.

Pam shook her head. Why was she thinking about this again? She was with Roy. She was happy with Roy, most of the time. Or maybe not happy, but content. Or comfortable. Anyway, she was with Roy. Jim was with Katy. Thinking about Jim was just some sort of weird stage she was going through. She’d snap out of it sooner or later.

She leaned against the railing of the boat and searched for something to say. Roy was still on her mind. “Sometimes I just don’t get Roy…”

Jim tilted his head, raised his eyebrows. “Well…”

She felt a little disloyal, hinting that she and Roy weren’t perfect for each other, although Jim surely knew that. It embarrassed her a bit, that Jim would see her with a guy like Roy, just like it probably embarrassed Jim to be with a girl like Katy. There was something off in both relationships, but Jim had only been dating Katy for a short time. Pam had been with Roy for years. Almost 10 years. She felt foolish that she had ignored the differences between them for so long. But it made her feel uncomfortable to admit it out loud, even in her own head.

“I mean . . . I don’t know.”

Jim was looking at her, studying her. His face was so serious. Then he smiled, just a little. But he didn’t say anything. It wasn’t like him to be so quiet, especially when there was a whole boatload of drunk Dunder Mifflinites just begging to be mocked.

Well, Pam would start the mocking, and she’d aim at the most obvious target.

“So… What’s it like dating a cheerleader?”

Jim kind of rolled his eyes and chuckled. “Oh…” But then he licked his lips and looked at her again. Just looked at her and smiled. It was disarming.

Then he almost started to say something, something . . . but he didn’t and Pam felt something flutter in her stomach. God she just so much wanted to . . .

She grabbed the front of his coat and pulled him towards her and he stumbled, catching himself on the railing on either side of her. She was trapped between his arms. She stretched up, pulled him down, until her lips were on his.

His mouth was cold, surprised. He stood for a second, not moving. Kiss me back, Pam begged silently, her head dizzy. Just kiss me back so I can get this out of my system.

Then he did. His mouth moved softly against hers, his lips warming against hers. The problem was, Pam didn’t want to stop. It felt too good, too right. She had thought maybe if she kissed him, the fantasy of perfection that she had constructed around him would crumble. He’d have bad breath, he’d slobber all over her with his tongue, he’d make weird noises.

But no. Jim’s mouth tasted like Tic Tacs, there was no unnecessary moaning and groaning, no slobber – just the gentleness of his lips on hers. No tongue at all, in fact. She tested him – she opened her mouth, slid her tongue forward, waiting. But he didn’t invade, didn’t shove his tongue into her mouth like Roy would, so excited that she was kissing him that way. Jim’s tongue barely touched hers, then slipped back into his mouth as that kiss ended and the next one started. Dammit. Dammit, dammit, dammit. What the hell was she doing? She was just making this worse.

Pam shook her head and pushed him away. “Oh my God. I’m sorry…”

She slid out under his arms, which were still holding the railing on either side of her, and she ran back inside.

*********

Jim couldn’t believe what had just happened. What the hell HAD happened? One second he was wrestling between making a joke about cheerleaders and telling Pam he was in love with her, and the next second she was kissing him. Pam was kissing him. Pam kissed him.

He turned and looked back to the cabin of the boat where Pam had disappeared. This certainly was an unexpected turn of events. Should he go after her? Yes, he probably should go after her.

He felt sort of dizzy as he headed back inside. If Roy and Katy were still doing snorkel shots, he’d probably be able to get Pam alone again and just tell her, finally tell her how he felt, especially now that he had a clue about how she felt.

He opened the door and was surprised that the music had stopped. Roy was at the microphone, holding a beer in one hand, making some sort of announcement. Pam stood just inside the door and Jim touched her arm. She glanced at him and quickly turned her attention back to Roy.

“…Pam, I think enough is enough. I think we should set a date for our wedding. How about June 10th? Come on, let's do it! Come on, Pam!”

Jim’s head snapped back to look at Pam. She wouldn’t look at him. She forced a smile at Roy and nodded. He came over and scooped her up, kissing her firmly on the mouth. Jim watched in shock. What had just happened? After a 3-year engagement, Roy picked tonight, 30 seconds after Pam had just kissed Jim, to finally set a date? Jim leaned against the wall. What the hell?

Everyone was cheering. Katy looked back at Jim and grabbed his hand, pulling him forward.

“Jim. You should make a toast.”

Oh, God, no. “No, I really don't want to.”

“Jim, come on, don't be shy.” Katie stood used her best cheerleader voice to get everyone’s attention. “Everybody, everybody? There is a toast. Come on...”

“Yeah! Toast!” Leave it to Michael to egg on a horrible situation.

Then, Katie, just like she had cheered on Darryl for the snorkel shot, was cheerleading again: “Yeah, toast! Toast! Toast!”

Pam eyes were horrified, but she had a fake smile plastered on her face. No one seemed to notice but Jim.
Jim was suddenly very tired and frustrated and slightly angry at Pam and very angry at Katy. But if they wanted a toast, He’d give them a toast.

“Thanks, Katy. Um, didn't really prepare anything to say. We're all caught pretty unprepared with this whirlwind courtship.”

Everyone laughed. He was ready to make a mean-spirited joke about how now Michael wouldn’t have anyone to give the longest engagement award to at the next Dundies when he saw Pam’s face, and it deflated him. He couldn't even hurt her when he wanted to. “Um. I guess I just wanna say that Pam is the greatest. My best friend. And she's awesome. And...”

Then, thankfully, Dwight tore the microphone from his hand and Jim sank into a seat.

Roy was drunk. Big surprise. How many of those snorkel shots had he done? She’d have to drive home, and it bothered her in a way she couldn’t explain. He’d never ask her if she’d drive, just assumed she’d stay sober so he could party. She was so tired of it.

The cruise was almost over. Finally. Pam could feel Jim’s eyes on her and it was getting harder and harder not to look at him. But she couldn’t look at him yet. She had to focus.

The band was playing Aerosmith’s “Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” upon Roy’s request. Roy called it their song, even though Pam had no idea why. She hated that song. And it hadn't even come out until three years after they started dating. She had always thought their song was “It Had to be You” – their senior Prom theme. But whatever. Didn’t matter. It was just a stupid song. They swayed on the dance floor together but Roy paid more attention to the congratulations and pats on the back he was getting than he did to her. Maybe that was a good thing. If he really looked at her, really paid attention, he’d see something in her eyes . . . wouldn’t he? Wouldn’t he be able to tell something was wrong?

Pam pressed her cheek against his chest. What the hell had she just done? Why did she kiss Jim? Why did he kiss her back? And why did it have to be so good.

Katy’s green sweater caught Pam’s eye and Pam turned to see if she was with Jim. Sure enough, Katy had her arms wrapped up around Jim’s neck, her body pressing against his. Pam couldn’t help but watch . . . she almost wanted to put one hand over her eyes, fingers spread apart, like she did when she watched a scary movie with Roy. She didn’t want to look, but she couldn’t help herself. She glanced up at Jim’s face and caught him watching her. They stared at each other for a moment, then Pam looked away. That’s why she couldn’t look at him – because he’d read her perfectly, know what was going on in her head, and she’d have no more excuses.

So the next time she looked and Jim and Katy (she couldn’t help herself), she looked at his hands. They had previously been sort of limp around Katy’s waist, but were now pressed against her back, pulling her closer to him. Pam shut her eyes again.

The song ended and Roy left her to do one more shot with Darryl before last call. Pam figured maybe it was for the best. Maybe he’d be so drunk that he’d pass out when they got home and she wouldn’t have to have sex with him, wouldn’t have to pretend that she was enjoying it. She could let him sleep and sneak off into the bathroom and cry.

As they disembarked from the boat, somehow they ended up right behind Jim and Katy. Katy was holding Jim’s hand. Images of her hand on his thigh in the car, her hand on his bare back in his bedroom flashed before her and Pam shook her head to wipe them away.

“Hey, Katy,” Roy called.

Katy turned and flashed her prom queen smile. “Yeah?”

“You and Pam should go shopping together sometime – you could help her pick out some things for our honeymoon."

“Roy.” Pam’s grip tightened on his arm. He ignored her.

“Pam’s always wearing these old t-shirts and stuff to bed. She could use someone with your . . . fashion sense to help her out.”

Katy giggled. “Well, I don’t know if I have fashion sense or not—“

“I’ll bet you don’t wear old t-shirts to bed for Jimmy here, though, do you? Does she Halpert?”

Pam thought Roy was having a little too much fun picturing what Katy wore to bed. And the idea of Jim and Katy in bed together did unsettling things to her stomach.

“Roy.”

Jim just ignored him. Katy giggled and turned to Jim. “I hadn’t planned on wearing anything to bed tonight. Is that okay with you?”

“Wooo hoo!” Roy whooped. “Nice!”

Pam felt a wave of nausea hit. Oh my God. She had to make this stop.

“Damn. You’re a lucky man, Halpert!”

Jim shook his head, disbelieving. Pam felt tears in her eyes. She looked down to hide them.

“You’re the lucky one, Roy. Congratulations you two.”

Jim pulled Katy by the hand and they headed to his car. Pam watched as Jim opened the door for Katy. As he closed it, he glanced over at Pam and they made eye contact again. Pam looked away first.

---

Jim drove while Katy chattered on about how much fun she had had, how exciting it was that Roy and Pam were getting married, how she couldn’t believe that maybe she had met Roy in high school and hadn’t even known it. Jim nodded, made appropriate listening noises when required, but he didn’t hear much of what she said. He really didn’t care about one single thing she was talking about.

Pam had kissed him. Pam had kissed him. In all the times he’d envisioned their first real kiss (not counting the one she had given him at the Dundies), he’d always pictured him making the first move. But tonight Pam had definitely made the move. She had grabbed his coat so suddenly and so forcefully that she almost pulled him on top of her. And the kiss hadn’t been a peck, like the Dundies kiss. She had opened her mouth. She had invited in his tongue. Just thinking about it made him…

“Jim!” Katy was staring at him, annoyed.

Jim startled, sure she knew what he was thinking about. “I’m sorry. What?”

“Forget it. You are in another world tonight.”

“Yeah. I guess.” He rubbed his face and added “sorry” as an afterthought.

“Pam was kind of the same way. I tried to talk to her and she just kept going off somewhere in her own head. No wonder you guys are friends.”

Jim nodded.

“So… can I stay at your place tonight? I brought my toothbrush.” Her voice was low, sexy.

Jim sat for a second, thinking. Pam had kissed him. That meant something, right? She must have feelings for him if she kissed him. But then, seconds – literally, seconds – after she did it, she had set the date for her wedding, slow danced with her fiancee, and wouldn’t even look at him.

There was something about the kiss that Jim couldn’t quite put his finger on. She had been sort of insistent, almost … demanding. It was almost like she had been … testing him. Oh my God. Had she been testing him? Seeing if he would pull away or kiss back? Seeing what his reaction would be? Seeing what her reaction would be? Had he failed somehow?

The thought angered him. She must have known how he felt – it had probably been written all over his face out on the deck of that boat – and she had fucking tested him. Or tested herself.

“Jim!”

“What? Oh, yeah. Sure. Whatever.”

Katy smiled and chattered on and Jim couldn’t wait to get home and kiss her so that she would be quiet for just a few minutes.

*****

He thought that sleeping with Katy might help. He didn’t usually engage in typical retaliatory guy behavior, but he pictured Pam going home with Roy, Roy all drunk and happy and proud of himself, feeling like a man. Like fucking boyfriend of the year. And he pictured them going to the room they shared, the bed they shared, and oafish, selfish Roy having oafish, selfish sex with Pam. He tried not to think about how many times this had happened. How many times Jim and Pam had spent time together with Roy somewhere nearby, not particularly concerned about Pam and her non-threatening eunuch friend Jim, and then Roy would come and gather Pam up, like a belonging he had almost accidentally left behind. And Jim would watch them leave, hand in hand, going home to sleep together. Jim would be left, forgotten about, discarded. Humiliated. Emasculated. But tonight – tonight he had Katy. Katy, a girl that Roy was obviously attracted to in a way that pleased Jim but also pissed him off, not because he was particularly protective of Katy but because he was protective of Pam. For once, Jim had something that Roy wanted. And for once Jim wanted to go home after a night out with Pam and not be alone. To not have to turn to his own hand for release.

But it kind of backfired on him. Katy was receptive, enthusiastic, beautiful. But she tasted like tequila and the cigarette she had snuck when she thought Jim wasn’t looking. Katy knew she was pretty and everything she did in bed began with that assumption. She left a small light on, presumably so Jim could see her as she undressed for him. She flipped her hair around unnecessarily. She said things and did things that seemed almost rehearsed and everything about the experience made him realize why he loved Pam.

Then why was she fucking toying with him? The Pam he knew, the Pam he thought he knew, would not tease, would not act. The Pam he knew might deny, might backpedal, might second guess, but she sure as hell wouldn’t play with him like that.

After Katy had finished her performance, after they both had been physically satisfied, Jim still felt entirely unsatisfied. Katy lay on his chest, snoring slightly in a way that annoyed him a bit. He looked down at her. Why did hot purse girl Katy want him when plain, sweet receptionist Pam didn’t? What kind of fucked up universe did they live in where he could have sex with a sexy ex-cheerleader at will but couldn’t even get his best friend to look at him? And why couldn’t he just love someone who might actually love him back?

---

Roy was drunk, but not too drunk to want to “celebrate” their re-engagement. As soon as they walked in the door, he grabbed Pam around the waist and yanked her against him.

“Mmm, Pammy. I am horn-y.”

“Roy—“

He leaned down to kiss her. He tasted like booze and cigarettes, smothering her mouth with his, thrusting in his tongue and making her nearly gag. She turned her face away.

“Roy—“

“C’mon, Pammy. We set the date. That’s gotta’ earn me some points.”

“What?”

He kissed her neck, probably because she had told him one time that she liked it, but he licked and sucked at her like she was a fricking popsicle and it ended up having the opposite effect. She was repulsed.

“I set the date. In front of all of your work friends, even.”

He started unbuttoning her shirt.

“Roy, I’m just tired. Can we celebrate tomorrow night?”

“Tomorrow night? Tonight is the fucking night you’ve been waiting for and you’re not happy? This is what you said you wanted!”

His voice rose in a way that Pam hated. Whenever he felt injustice was being doled out – if he didn’t get a big enough raise at work, if a bartender didn’t make his drink strong enough – his voice rose in that combative way. It had happened on his birthday when Pam had been sick for a week with strep throat and he wanted his “birthday sex”. Pam tried to postpone, just until she felt better and Roy had used that tone and she had given in. Sometimes it was just easier.

“Jesus Pam. Nothing puts you in the mood any more.”

“No I just. . . It’s just. . .” Pam’s heart was in her throat. She felt overwhelmed, cornered.

Roy had finally gotten her into the bedroom and was stripping down to his underwear. She should just let him do what he needed to do. If she didn’t, he would mope around for days, giving her the silent treatment until she finally felt forced to do something drastic to snap him out of his funk. Usually a blow job worked quite well. It wasn’t so much that she missed him while he was moping around – the fact that he left her alone at bedtime for those few nights was kind of a relief – or that she was particularly keen on blow jobs. She didn’t like him to be mad at her. She didn’t like feeling like a bad girlfriend, like a bad fiancee.

So she let him do what he needed to do and she squeezed her eyes shut and moaned a few times, more from discomfort than pleasure, and that seemed to satisfy him. And when he fell asleep, about seven seconds after he came, she snuck off to the bathroom and shut the door and turned on the water in the sink so her crying wouldn’t wake him up.

---

Jim was already at his desk on Friday morning when Pam came in. He hadn’t been able to sleep and had gotten up early, leaving Katy sleeping in his bed. He knew he needed to end that relationship as soon as possible, but his head was swimming and he couldn’t bring himself to wake her up just to break up with her. Um, yeah, Katy? Thanks for last night – for letting me fuck you so I could feel better about myself and my ridiculous life. It was great, really. Buuut, well. I don’t think we should see each other anymore. So sorry. God, he was a pig.

When he heard the office door open, he knew it was Pam. She always arrived at exactly 7:50. He watched as she approached her desk and waited to see if she’d look at him. Surprisingly she did. As she hung her coat on the rack, she glanced up, seemed surprised that he was there and that he was watching her, and she gave him a brief and somewhat forced smile.

He forced a smile back. “Hey Pam.”

And then they proceeded to ignore each other for the rest of the morning. By late morning Jim was starting to lose it. How could she kiss him like that and then just act like it never happened? What was wrong with her that she didn’t think it meant anything? Finally he stood up and strode over to her desk. She looked up but didn’t smile this time.

Jim cleared his throat. “Hey. I was wondering . . . do you maybe want to get lunch today?”

“Um. Roy and I were supposed to…” she gestured vaguely to the door, which led to the warehouse, which led to Roy.

“Right.” He sighed. “Okay then.” He turned to go back to his desk.

“But I could – take a break? In like, 5 minutes?”

That surprised him. “Sure. Okay.”

He went back to his desk and tried to act busy for five minutes.



Neither of them said a word until they were outside the building, around the back where no one from the office would see them.

“So. Congratulations, I guess.”

“Jim—"

“No, really. A summer wedding. That’s . . . great.”

“Jim—"

He paused for her to finish what she wanted to say but she just looked down at her feet.

“What was that last night?”

She avoided his eyes. “What was what?” She was terrible at playing dumb. A bright pink rose in her cheeks.

“Pam.”

She shrugged, shoved her hands deep into her coat pockets. “I don’t know. I had a few drinks and—“

“Don’t do that.”

She looked up at the tone of his voice. He had no patience for the “I was drunk” excuse and she must have sensed it. She sighed and leaned her head against the wall of the building. She stared up at the sky, her eyes brimming with tears that she wouldn’t let fall. Jim softened somewhat, seeing her confusion, her turmoil. She looked tired – exhausted really. There were faint bluish circles under her eyes. Her skin was so pale, so smooth. God, he loved her.

“You know how I feel about you.” He was sure she did – he didn’t even phrase it as a question.

At that her head popped up. “What?”

The looked into each other’s eyes for a long moment. Finally Pam spoke.

“I don’t--” but she trailed off again. She couldn’t seem to get an entire sentence out.

Jim swallowed. Now or never. “I’m in love with you.”

She shook her head. “Jim.”

“I think you knew that already. I should have said it a long time ago but I just… anyway, now you know. For sure.”

Jim watched Pam’s hands. She was twisting that damn cheap engagement ring again. But he did notice her fingers were trembling slightly.

“But I don’t . . . I don’t know how you feel about me.”

“I don’t…” Again Pam started but didn’t finish.

“That’s why I need to know. What was that last night?”

Still Pam didn’t answer.

“Fine. I’ll tell you what it felt like to me. It felt like you were playing a game.”

Her head jerked up.

“It felt like you were testing me. Or testing yourself. To see what I’d do. To see . . . I don’t know. To see if you liked it.”

She shook her head. “That’s not -- Jim. That’s not what I was doing.”

“Then tell me.”

Pam took a shaky breath. It took her a moment to start, but Jim waited.

“It’s just that I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately.”

Jim’s heart rate sped up at just that one thought. She had been thinking about him.

“And…I don’t know. I just did it. I don’t know why.”

God, it was so hard for her to just tell him the truth. Whether she wanted him and wanted to kiss him, whether she was just having second thoughts about Roy, whether she just wanted to see what it was like to kiss someone else besides Roy. She just wouldn’t say it. He could see her struggling to be honest, even with herself.

Jim stepped closer to her and he heard her breath catch. He slid his hands to her neck, tilting her face up to his. Then he kissed her. Not the tentative kiss of the night before, where he had been so shocked that he had barely had time to think before the kiss was over. This kiss was completely intentional. His mouth molded to hers, searching for the answer that she wouldn’t give him. He felt her hands on his stomach, beneath his open coat, grabbing his shirt. And she kissed him back. God, she kissed him back.


*******

Every nerve ending in Pam’s body seemed to tingle as Jim kissed her. When Roy kissed her lately she wanted to sneeze, to cough, to do something that would stop him. But Jim . . . God. When Jim kissed her she never wanted it to end.

He loved her. He told her he was in love with her. Was that possible? Could someone like Jim really love someone like her? She’d had a hard enough time wrapping her brain around it when Roy liked her back in high school. But back then she had been impressed by things that no longer impressed her: his popularity, his machismo, his trying-too-hard sexiness, his street smarts. Back in high school, girls like her felt flattered and lucky when guys like Roy looked their way. But her tastes had grown up. While Roy had appealed to the 17-year-old Pam, Jim was everything that the 27-year-old Pam found attractive. He was smart, funny, handsome in a non-threatening way, thoughtful, sexy without trying at all. And a guy like Jim, who she probably wouldn’t have given a second look back in high school, now was someone who attracted even the ex-cheerleaders. Girls like Katy. And she felt exactly like she had in high school with Roy – disbelieving. Not her. He couldn’t love her. Plain old artsy-fartsy Pam in her cardigans and sensible shoes.

But he did. He had said it.

Why did it have to happen like this? Why did it take so long for her to figure out what she really wanted? All these years she thought that Roy would be enough, that he was the best she would ever find, that even if they weren’t perfect together, they were good enough. And now that she had found Jim, who was right for her in every way she could think of, it was too late. She was with Roy. And they had set a date. There was no turning back now – this is what she had told him she wanted. She had told everybody that this was what she wanted, what she had been waiting for.

Jim’s hands left her neck and trailed down her body to wrap around her waist. He pulled her closer to him, against the leanness of his body. One kiss melted into another. Her heart felt like it was beating outside of her chest. She felt an uncomfortable ache inside – a restlessness that was getting worse by the second. God, what was she doing? It was too late.

She flattened her hands against the hardness of his stomach and pushed him away.

“Jim, I can’t. I just…”

Jim let his hands drop and took a step backward. Her body missed his immediately. She felt cold. Alone.

He looked down at the ground and took a shaky breath. He nodded once. “Okay.” He took another step away from her. “Sorry.”

He turned and walked back around the building. Pam leaned against the concrete wall, shaking, feeling sick to her stomach. It was too late.

---

Jim left immediately on a sales call and didn’t return to Dunder Mifflin afterward. It was Friday and after the couple of days he’d had, he just wanted to go home and sleep. To forget.

Forget how it had felt to finally hold Pam, to kiss her, to be this, close to getting through to her. Forget that he might never get through to her and that it really wasn’t up to him at all any more. He had told her how he felt, he had shown her. Now it was up to her.

Unfortunately, he knew Pam well enough to know that she might rather marry Roy and spend her life in wedded mediocrity than disappoint anyone. And if she had to disappoint someone, it was probably a lot easier to let down Jim than it would be to let down the many people connected to her and Roy for the past 10 years.

He’d have to learn to go through the motions of life even if he didn’t feel like it. There was no other alternative. So he went home and went for a run. He showered, made some pasta for dinner and ate a few bites before pushing the plate away. He watched a basketball game on TV without ever really registering who was playing. His roommate Mark was spending a lot of time at his girlfriend’s and Jim had the house to himself. He didn’t have to make chit chat with anyone. He could just focus all of his energy on pretending to be normal. He needed to get his act down pat by Monday.

If Pam wanted to move forward with marrying Roy, that was her choice. If she didn’t love Jim, well . . . she really couldn’t be blamed for that. He might not end up staying at Dunder Mifflin much longer, but while he was there he would try to act as normal as possible. Life couldn’t stop just because he’d gotten his heart broken.

Saturday was pretty much the same. He went to the Y and shot baskets with some friends. They grabbed lunch afterward and Jim made his typical jokes. It really wasn’t hard – he’d gotten pretty good at hiding his true feelings over the past few years. On Saturday night he cleaned the house, changed his sheets, and broke up with Katy. She had been a little miffed with him but, surprisingly, she wasn’t much of a crier. Jim doubted that she really had strong feelings for him anyway. He got the impression that she was shopping around for husband material and he was her attempt at dating a goofy nice guy instead of whatever kind of guy she normally dated. Well, he’d proven her wrong there – he was goofy, sure, but as it turned out, not all that nice. One thing that worked in Jim’s favor was that the night of Booze Cruise wasn’t the first time they had slept together, so Jim didn’t seem to her like quite as much of an ass as he seemed to himself. Sleeping with her once and then summarily dumping her was bad. He wasn’t sure that sleeping with her to get his mind of Pam was any better, but….

Katy would resent him for wasting a few precious months of her prime dating years, of tarnishing her ego a bit. Band geek Jim breaks up with hot cheerleader – something about that would sting for awhile. But it was over and Jim was relieved.

Sunday was similar. He had brunch with a buddy, another date with college basketball in the afternoon. He felt a constant ache in his chest – or maybe not an ache but a void. A hunger. It felt like an empty stomach, grumbling where his heart was supposed to be. But on the outside he thought he appeared normal. He showered, got dressed. By Monday he figured he’d be able to pass for functioning normally. He could act his ass off when it came to Pam. He’d been doing it for years.

Sunday night he ordered pizza for dinner and when the doorbell rang, he grabbed his wallet and pasted a smile on his face to test it out. He could do this.

********

When Jim opened the door the first thing Pam noticed was his feet. She had been looking down and there they were, peeking out from the bottom of his jeans: bare, slightly pale, a slight sprinkling of hair on his toes. They were nice feet for a guy and Pam felt a clenching in her belly. She’d never seen his bare feet before and it seemed sort of intimate. Hell, this was probably only the third or fourth time she’d seen him in jeans.

She raised her head to take in the rest of him. Those seldom seen jeans were faded and soft looking, frayed at the bottom, hanging just low enough on his hips that she knew if he hadn’t been wearing a shirt she’d see those things guys had on their sides – those muscles. Well, lean guys like Jim anyway. Roy didn’t have them any more. (On ramps – that’s what one of Pam’s friends in college had called them.) But Pam was sure that Jim had them, and the thought caused another fluttering clench inside of her.

Then there was his t-shirt. It was just a Georgetown Hoyas t-shirt – gray, probably pretty old. But it came down just over the waistband of his jeans so that when he lifted his hand to run it through his hair, she got a glimpse of his stomach – the flat, hard stomach she had felt through his shirt on Friday when he was kissing her. She saw the on ramps, the trail of dark hair that disappeared beneath the button of his jeans, and she literally felt a little dizzy.

By the time she looked at his face, she was sure she was blushing. He hadn’t shaved and he looked sort of rugged, older, with two days of stubble. He was killing her and he didn’t even know it.

“Hey!” He was obviously surprised to see her. He held a $20 bill in one hand.

Pam cleared her throat. Whatever she had planned on saying when he opened the door escaped her when she saw him in his weekend attire. “Is that for me?” she asked, nodding to the money. That was the thing that popped out. Idiotic.

Jim glanced down at his hand. “Only if you brought me pizza.”

Pam held out her hands, palms up. “Sorry…”

“Ah. Well.”

They stood looking at each other for a moment, almost forgetting what had happened two days earlier. But Pam couldn’t keep her gaze from his mouth, remembering what it felt like, what it tasted like. She felt the blush creeping up again and she looked down.

“Do you … wanna’ come in?” Jim opened the door wider and Pam nodded. She didn’t trust herself to speak.

Jim took a step back and pressed his body against the open door. Pam slipped past him and noticed that he smelled good even on the weekends when he was home by himself. God, she hoped he was alone. What if Katy….

She walked hesitantly into his living room. The TV was on, a basketball game filling the house with steady background noise. She looked around. Katy was nowhere in sight and Pam sighed with relief. She felt Jim behind her, not close but close enough that she knew he was there. She felt his warmth like the sun on her back. Against her better judgement she turned back to face him again. She concentrated better when she wasn’t looking at him, but she realized she couldn’t say what she needed to say without looking at him.

He stood before her, his hands tucked into his pockets, which pushed his jeans down a bit further. She knew if he lifted his arm now she’d probably get a glimpse of the waistband of whatever kind of underwear he wore. In her mind she’d always pictured boxer briefs, but . . . well.

“So…” he said. “You came for another tour, didn’t you?”

Pam laughed. How could he still make her laugh when for the past two days all she’d done was cry?

“Yep. Cuz last time you didn’t let us touch anything.” She was referring to the BBQ when Jim had given a tour of his house, but she realized how it sounded.

Jim just grinned. “You see something you want to touch, be my guest.” He said it simply, with no obvious double meaning, but it still seemed so sexy to Pam.

“That’s what she said.” It slipped out. Pam immediately covered her mouth with her hand. Jim laughed.

They stood awkwardly and Pam cleared her throat again. “Really, um… I came by to talk to you.”

Jim nodded. “Okay… Is this gonna’ be a long talk or a short one?”

The question surprised her. “Umm….”

“Cuz I don’t know if I should offer to take your coat.”

“Oh! Um. Sure.” She slipped off her coat and handed it to Jim. He hung it on the back of a chair and then gestured to the couch. Pam sat down, perched awkwardly on the edge. Jim sat on a chair a few feet from her. He seemed much more relaxed than she did. He stretched his long legs out so that his bare feet were just inches from hers. He crossed his arms over his chest and waited.

Pam looked down at her hands. She had spent the past two days alternating between hope and resignation. Jim loves me, she would think, and she’d feel a bubble of hope rise in her chest. For a brief moment, she’d be able to imagine something different for herself – a house with a terrace, a husband who really listened to her, a life with laughter. But then she’d hear Roy in the other room, yelling at the ref on the TV, calling “Babe, if you’re by the fridge, could you grab me a beer?” And she’d realize that this was the life she had chosen. She had made a commitment. She was not someone to break her word. And the hope bubble would pop and the tears would come again.

Finally, exhausted from the emotional roller coaster, she called her mom on Sunday morning while Roy was out. She spilled out the story of the last few days in a torrent of tears. Her mom had listened and when Pam was done she simply said, “Honey, you need to make a choice you can live with.”

But how had she thought she could do this? At home she had felt confident. Jim had been able to put it on the line, tell her how he felt. He had been honest with her and she owed it to him to be honest back. So she had dressed carefully yet casually in jeans, a pink sweater, boots. She put her hair in a pony tail and slapped on some lip gloss and told Roy she was running out to the store. He grunted, barely looking up from the game.

The whole way over she had tried to anticipate how Jim would react to her. Would he be mad? Cold? Indifferent? She had certainly not expected him to be nice. Normal. Friendly, even. It was throwing her off.

Maybe she had over-dramatized everything in her head. He had told her he loved her, right?

She looked up at him and he gave her a small smile.

God, I love him.

The thought came into her head uninvited and surprised her. She knew she was attracted to him, that he was her best friend. But love? That was too much to think about right now.

“I talked to my mom,” she said, anxious to end the silence.

Jim raised his eyebrows, clearly not sure where she was going with this. “Oh?”

Pam nodded. “I told her about the Booze Cruise. And about Friday.”

Jim nodded. “Hm.”

“And I think you were right.”

Jim’s head tilted to the side a bit. “About…?”

“About me…testing you.”

“Oh.” He looked disappointed.

“Or I guess, really . . . testing myself.”

“Okay.”

“See, I think I . . . I mean, I don’t know. I think I did want to see what it would be like. If it would be weird.”

Jim raised his eyebrows at that.

“Because we’ve been friends for so long and even though I . . . well, I just didn’t know…”

She was rambling, stumbling, clumsy with her words. This wasn’t at all how she had planned on saying it. Jim just sat, watching her. His face was impossible to read, which threw her off. He was usually an open book.

“So. Was it weird?”

Pam had lost her train of thought. “Hmmm?” she asked.

“Kissing me. Was it weird?”

Pam felt the heat in her cheeks immediately, just from him saying the word ‘kissing.’

“Oh! Um… it was – no. Not weird. No….”

Jim just stared at her with a half smile on his face. He seemed to be enjoying watching her fumble around.

“Well, I guess it was a little weird. Just because I haven’t . . . well, I mean I haven’t . . . with anyone except . . . in . . .” Her mouth was hesitant to say the word “kiss”. And “Roy”. And to admit that she hadn’t kissed anyone but Roy in 10 years. So her sentence was filled with blanks.

“But not weird in a bad way. Weird in a good way.” She tried to clarify.

“Good way. Got it.” Jim nodded.

“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?”

Jim smiled. “I’m just letting you talk.”

Pam took a deep breath. Enough with the awkward babbling. She could do this.

“I liked it.”

“I’m sorry… you liked what?”

Pam rolled her eyes. He was being difficult on purpose. “Kissing you. I liked . . . kissing you.”

Now it looked like Jim was blushing and Pam felt a sense of triumph. But he recovered more quickly than she did.

“I liked it too.” God his voice was so sexy. Throaty.

Pam nodded, smiling. This was the happiest she had felt in a long time. She wondered if Jim would kiss her again. But he stayed put.

“So what did your mom say?”

“Oh! Um. She just told me I had to make decisions that I can live with.”

Jim uncrossed his arms and leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees, his hands folded, waiting.

“And I’m not sure I can live with marrying Roy.”

The doorbell rang and Jim acted as if he hadn’t heard it. He just looked at her. It rang again.

He snapped out of his daze and stood up.

“I just have to . . . the pizza.”

He turned and walked toward the front door. Pam watched him and took a deep breath. She was doing it! She was being honest. Finally.

When he came back with the pizza in hand, Pam was standing near his kitchen. He put the pizza box on the counter and stared at her.

“Could you just . . . repeat what you said before the pizza guy interrupted?”

Pam smiled. “Sure. I said I don’t think I can marry Roy.”

Jim nodded and sat down on a stool. He looked a little shocked. She stepped closer to him. She had told herself that she wasn’t going to kiss him again. She didn’t want to betray Roy again even if she knew it was over with him. But Jim was so . . . he looked so . . . God, she just wanted him. She couldn’t remember the last time that she had felt this need, this flat out desire.

Jim was still sitting on the stool, his legs splayed apart. She stepped closer, so that she was standing between his legs, the front of her thighs touching the inside of his. She reached out and let her hand brush his shirt lightly.

Then she leaned her forehead against his shoulder, her hands lightly pressed against his ribcage. She inhaled him. He smelled like Tide. Like sunshine. Jim’s hands stayed glued on his legs. He seemed hesitant to touch her. She wasn’t sure she blamed him.

They remained like that for a minute, their breath quickening. Finally Jim wrapped one arm around Pam’s waist and pulled her against him in a gentle hug. Pam lifted her head and his jaw rubbed against her cheek.

“What’re you going to do?” Jim asked quietly.

“I’m not going to kiss you,” Pam replied without thinking. She hadn’t meant to say the mantra she had been repeating in her head out loud. She was immediately embarrassed.

“Wow. Didn’t ask you to, but—“ There was a smile in his voice.

She laughed. “Oh, right. Sorry.”

“I meant about Roy.”

When he spoke his stubble rubbed against her cheek and she closed her eyes, enjoying the sensation. If she turned her head their mouths would be…

“I’m going to break up with him.”

Jim nodded. Pam swore she could feel him smiling.

“And then what?” Jim asked.

“Then I’m going to kiss you.”


*******


Jim was amazed at the turn of events. Just when he had resigned himself to the fact that he and Pam were an impossibility, she shows up at his door, cheeks flushed, stammering about liking kissing him and leaving Roy.

And now she was in his arms, her hands pressing against his body, her breath soft in his ear.

“I’m going to take this week off and I’m going to find some place to live and I’m going to move out.”

She pulled back and Jim loosened his arm from around her.

“And then I can . . . do this without feeling so terrible inside.”

Jim nodded. “Are you okay?”

Pam took a deep breath. “I’m a wreck. But I just… I don’t love Roy anymore. I just couldn’t admit it to myself.” Then Pam gasped, making Jim jump. “Oh my God. Katy! I didn’t even think—“

Jim smiled and took her hand in his. “Katy is no longer in the picture.”

“She’s not?”

Jim shook his head.

“Really?” A slow smile spread across her face. “Maybe I could give Ray her number. Soften the blow.”

Jim smiled. “Great idea.”

Pam took a step back and Jim let go of her hand. “I should probably go.”

“You don’t want any pizza?” Jim gestured to the box on the counter.

She smiled. “I told Roy I was just running to the store.” She glanced around the room. “I wish I could stay…”

Jim gave her another small smile before standing up. “Well. Come back any time.”

Their bodies were so close. He was tempted to just pull her and her soft pink sweater into his arms. But he didn’t.

Then Pam said softly, “I’m sorry.”

Jim was confused. “For what?”

Pam shrugged. “I don’t know. I just feel like . . . I’ve been so blind or something. Like, in denial.” For the first time since she arrived, she looked close to tears. Jim bent down so he could look in her eyes.

“Hey. It’s not like I was completely up front with you.”

Pam shrugged and wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her sweater.

“Are you going to be okay? With Roy?”

She nodded. “Yeah. I’ll be fine.”

Jim felt bad that he felt so completely happy at the thought of Roy’s unhappiness. The guy was okay, but Jim thought back to all the subtle humiliation he had felt in front of Roy. All the times Roy had taken Pam for granted, the times he had belittled her. And Jim was okay with the fact that he’d be hurting pretty soon.

“Just give me a week.”

“Pam.”

She looked up at him.

“Whenever.” He was ready to wait forever, if that's what it took. Now that he knew . . .

She took a deep breath, stood up on her toes and pressed a kiss to his cheek. And she left.

---

It had been a long, exhausting week, but Pam felt stronger than she had in years. Breaking up with Roy had been the hardest thing she had ever done. They both had cried and she had almost caved in to his pleas to try again. But then she thought of Jim – Jim who had given her the perfect green teapot full of private jokes, Jim who knew her favorite yogurt flavor without her even having to tell him, Jim whose kisses tasted like hope – and she plowed forward. No looking back.

She had a cousin who rented the upper floor apartment of her house and Pam’s mom called to tell Pam that it was vacant. It was partially furnished and close to work, so Pam packed a couple of suitcases and had been able to move in by herself. Her mom came up during the week and helped her settle in, reminding Pam over and over again to trust herself. That was the one thing Pam had never been good at – trusting herself. But she trusted Jim and maybe that would be good enough for now.

She felt bad that she was so anxious to see Jim after ending things with Roy. She imagined how she would feel if Roy had dumped her and then wanted to kiss someone else so soon. But . . . no looking back.

So the next Saturday she found herself on Jim’s front steps. Her stomach was churning, her palms sweaty. What if he had changed his mind? What if….

She rang his doorbell before she could second guess any more. She waited, shifting back and forth on her feet.

And then the door opened and there he was – same jeans, different but equally sexy t-shirt, bare feet and all. His smile grew as he looked at her and the storm in her stomach calmed.

She took two steps and was against him, her hands in his hair, kissing him with a boldness that she didn’t recognize in herself. She felt his arms wrap around her, pressing her close. He took a few steps backward, pulling her with him, and he pushed the door shut.

“Is Mark here?” she managed to ask, slightly out of breath.

He shook his head and kissed her again. God, his mouth. “Out of town,” he answered against hers. Then he pulled away and looked at her. “Are you okay? Is everything okay?”

She nodded and slid her hands under his shirt, feeling his hot, smooth skin. He leaned against the wall and stared at her, surprised.

“God, you feel so…” she marveled, trailing off.

“Wow. Pam.”

“Oops. Did I say that out loud?” What had gotten into her? She was out of control.

Jim nodded, amused.

“I just . . .” But she felt so hot, so hungry she couldn’t finish the thought. She pulled him down to kiss her again. Even in the passion of their kisses, he was still so gentle, so thoughtful. He leaned against the wall so he wasn’t so tall. And when he stretched his legs out a bit she found her leg kind of straddling his, her hip pressing against the front of his jeans. She could feel him hard against her and it made her bolder.

She ran her hands up his stomach, his ribs, his chest. This is crazy, she thought. What had gotten into her? But she felt a melting warmth inside of her that egged her on.

His breath caught when her fingers brushed his nipples. She smiled against his mouth. Jim slid his hands under her shirt, up her back, grabbing her shoulders in a possessive way. She loved it. She wanted him everywhere.

Jim pulled away again and she nearly ached from his absence.

“Pam.”

She looked at him. She felt drunk, light headed.

“Is this . . . what you want?”

She nearly laughed. She couldn’t stop staring at his lips. “I just . . . need you.”

Jim smiled and kissed her gently one more time before taking her hand and leading her to his room.


When he pulled off her shirt he kissed her collarbone, her neck, behind her ear. His hands danced on her skin so gently, as if memorizing every inch. She wanted to be more shy – she had thought she would be – but she just . . . trusted him. It was surreal that this was Jim with his hands tangled in her hair, turning her head gently this way and that to get better access to her neck. And yet . . . it felt more comfortable, more right, than it had ever felt with Roy.

Pam couldn’t stop touching him, especially his chest, his back, his stomach, those muscles up his sides. His body was so unexpected. She had always thought of him as sort of skinny but she now realized how much his clothes hid. He was lean, tight, developed but not bulky. She marveled at the tautness of everything on him. Roy had always been fairly muscular but in recent years he had put on weight and it was harder to feel the muscles beneath his skin. Jim was like a stone wrapped in silk. And every inch of him smelled like heaven.

He lay on top of her and she yanked his shirt up and pulled it over his head. She ran her hands down to the edge of his jeans, over his ass, which was so firm under the soft cotton. Their legs were layered so that one of his was between hers, one of hers between his. When he shifted and his leg pressed against her she gasped. Just the pressure of his thigh between her legs eased the ache in her a bit. She could feel him against her leg – hard, straining against his jeans.

They tugged each other’s pants off and it wasn’t until Pam was in her underwear that she got nervous. Her mind started working overtime, no longer trusting her body. She had never been with anyone but Roy. No man but Roy had ever seen her naked. Jim had been single as long as she had known him, dating girls like Katy, surely sleeping with some of them. That’s probably how he knew how to touch her so that she felt like she was liquefying under his hands.

But she only knew what Roy liked. What Jim liked was a complete mystery to her and she felt overwhelmed, unsure.

Jim must have sensed a change in her because he stilled, his breathing warm and fast against her neck.

Pam felt a tightness in her throat. Oh God, she was going to cry. She didn’t want to cry.

“Pam?” His voice was quiet, questioning.

She swallowed the lump in her throat but didn’t trust herself to speak.

“We can stop. If it’s too soon…”

God, she didn’t want to stop. Her body didn’t want to stop. But her mind was going a mile a minute. What if…

Jim rolled off of her and she missed the weight of him, the hardness of him against her.

“Pam.”

She looked at him, into those green eyes. She shook her head. “I’m just nervous.”

Jim laughed and his reaction surprised her. “You don’t think I’m nervous?”

“Really?”

He nodded, his hand was on her stomach, his thumb softly circling her belly button. “I’ve been waiting, what . . . three years? That’s a lot of build up.”

She laughed. “But I’ve only ever been with…” She trailed off. They both knew the only guy she’d been with.

Jim’s hand snaked up from her stomach to cup her jaw. God, she felt so safe with him. He kissed her mouth softly, kissed her cheekbone, her eyelid, her forehead.

“Whatever you want…” he said, his voice not quite a whisper. It got that rough, throaty quality to it that just undid her.

Pam had never felt so loved. She shut off the voice in her head. “This is what I want.”

And then they were naked, their bodies hot and electric against each other. She couldn’t tell whose breath was whose, whose moans, whose gasps were whose.

When he finally slid into her, she was so ready, so wet for him it almost embarrassed her. He filled her so completely that he felt like a part of her. A part that she hadn’t even known was missing until he was there, moving in her, over her.

Then she was so close, so close to something that she hadn’t felt in so long. Something she had sort of made peace with living without. But she felt the pressure building in her core, Jim moving in just the right way and there she was gasping, gripping his shoulders, wishing it would never end. Jim pushed deep and hard and as she descended, floating back to the bed, registering what had happened, Jim joined her, quietly gasping in her ear.

She smiled to herself, her hands running down his back, slippery now and still so sexy. She kissed his temple, feeling the damp hair on his forehead against her face. He exhaled quietly, almost like a laugh.

“You’d better not be laughing at me,” Pam warned.

Jim shook his head and propped himself up with his elbows on either side of her head, pushing her hair back with his hands. “I just . . . when I said you could touch anything you wanted . . . you took me seriously.”

She swatted his back and felt herself blushing. “Oh, and you really kept your hands to yourself.”

Jim shrugged and kissed her softly. “You started it.”

“You finished it.”

Jim looked at her shocked, smiling, his eyebrows raised. “Oh. My. God. Who are you and what have you done with Beesly?”

Upon hearing her nickname come from his mouth again, Pam laughed and sighed and felt herself tear up all at the same time.