He was 26 sitting at home alone on a Friday night. When did his life become this? He had so many plans for himself a few years ago, but none of them ended the way he wanted. He had just broken up with his girlfriend because she found the ring. She actually thought he was going to propose. He laughed to himself thinking about how presumptuous she had been. The way her eyes were lit up when she walked out of his room and then suddenly her eyes met his and she knew he wasn’t going to propose. And all of those things that he liked about her: her sense of humor, her personality, her smile, all gone. Instead they were replaced with the words she hurled at him. Were you just using me? Why do you have this if you didn’t intend on asking me? You’re an asshole.


And that was the million dollar question. Why did he have it? But he knew why he had gotten it and the question had suddenly become “Why did he still have it?” Was he a glutton for punishment? It wasn’t like he had it hidden away in some box or locked away out of sight. It was still in the same place that he had put it at when he and Pam had moved in all of those summers ago, sitting quietly in the corner of his sock drawer staring back at him whenever he ventured too far back. Mocking him silently. Reminding him that he was a coward.


He picked up his beer taking another large gulp before finishing it off and trying to toss it into the wastebasket next to his desk. The glass made a large clinking sound and he suspected that he had just chipped some of the wood floor, but he didn’t care enough to actually go check.


His phone had been ringing for the past hour, but he assumed it was just her, calling to see if he was home. Apparently she had left one of her many sweaters somewhere in the apartment. That was a lie though. He always made sure that she never left anything behind after each visit. It was his way of keeping her from disturbing the surroundings, because deep down inside he knew that she shouldn’t have been there. It was like taking a child to the toy store and asking them not to look or touch anything because it would never be theirs. He would never be hers. He would always be Pam’s.


She was right, he was an asshole.


He thought this time could be different. That this one could make him forget Pam. But he should have known that it wouldn’t happen. The fact that she had so many of the features that he loved about Pam should have been his first warning sign. Really, dating a girl that reminded him of the only girl he ever loved? How was that even remotely healthy?


He had to start somewhere and it was a huge step that he actually let her come over to his place as often as he did. He couldn’t have sex with her here though, not without picturing Pam, and that wasn’t fair to either of them. The image of Pam in every corner of this apartment was burned into his mind.


He told her he loved her, but only after a month of her saying it without any response. He wished that he hadn’t done that. It was his fault for letting things go this far. Her calling nonstop seemed only like a small price to pay compared to the pain he had just caused her.


He reached for the phone and answered.


“I’m sorry.”


“What?” The man on the other line asked.


“Jon?”


“Yeah.”


“Oh, sorry. Thought you were someone else. Why are you calling on this phone?”


Jim cradled the phone with his shoulder while walking over to the empty bottle on the ground and taking it into the kitchen with him


“I’ve been trying your cell all night, and you haven’t picked up once.”


“Yeah, I broke up with Lisa earlier today and she’s been calling every few minutes so I just haven’t been answering. Or maybe she broke up with me. Who knows?”


“Speaking of relationships... have you talked to Pam lately?”


He reached in the fridge and grabbed another beer.


“Nah, it’s been I dunno, a few weeks, maybe a month.” He knew for a fact that it would be one month on Sunday.


“You should probably call her.”


“And say what? My brother told me to call you.”


“I think she’s engaged.”


The beer slipped from his hand covering the white tile floor with a light brown liquid.


“SHIT!”


“Shit to Pam?”


“I dropped my beer.”


Jim tiptoed out of the kitchen, peeling off his wet socks and throwing them aside. He sighed.


“Jim? Did you hear me? I think Pam’s engaged.”


“There’s beer everywhere.” He pulled a few paper towels off the roll and haphazardly threw them over the puddle.


“I saw her at the bar tonight. She had a ring on her left hand. She was with some guy, Jim.”


He kneeled down grabbing at a soaked paper towel and swirling it around the floor.


“Did she look happy?” Finally acknowledging his brother.


“I don’t know. Call her Jim. Ask her for herself. Stop her.”


He slid down the wall next to the kitchen and wrung his hands.


“I’ll call you back.”


That should have been him, that guy in the bar with her. But instead he was hearing about it from his brother. And he wondered what it felt like to slip an engagement ring on her finger. Would she be overcome with tears? Would she give him that smile that would make him speechless?


He dialed her number. He didn’t expect her to pick up. She was probably making love, and the coolness of that ring was on someone else’s back.


“Jim!”


“Pam,” he whispered.


“Calling on a Friday?”


“I didn’t wake you up did I?”


“No,” she giggled. “I just got home. What are you doing?”


“I just wanted to call and hear your voice.”


She was silent on the other end.


“I miss you, Pam.”


“Jim, I can’t do this.” The excitement that had greeted him was gone and replaced with hesitation.


“Please Pam.”


“I thought you were dating someone.”


“No, not anymore.” Was he ever really dating anyone? He could never commit himself to a relationship and it was more like one night stands that followed him around.


“Oh, so I’m just your rebound girl,” she joked.


“She was the rebound girl.”


Pam sighed loudly into the receiver. Why did he say things like that, to get a reaction out of her? Was she supposed to thank him?


“Can I come visit you?”


“That’s probably not a good idea.”


“Please Pam. I need to see you.”


“I don’t know. Let me think about it.” She couldn’t let him visit, not after last time when and he broke her heart. “Why are you doing all of this now? What changed?”


“I told you, I miss you.” He was more confident when he said that. He thought that this confidence would some how translate into ‘love me again,’ ‘want me.’


He raised himself from the floor and walked towards his bedroom not bothering to flick on the lights.


“Sometimes at night I think I can smell your hair on the pillow.” He leaned back on the bed.


“Two years later? You should probably do laundry more often.”


He didn’t laugh. “I miss running my hands over your back while I kiss that spot right under your jaw. Do you remember that?”


“Yes,” she said apathetically while every nerve ending was firing and she could almost feel his lips against her neck. Jim was her phantom limb. He was gone, but she swore that she could still feel the heat of his body next to hers or his fingers tangled up in her hair.


“What are you wearing?”


“A dress.” She knew she shouldn’t be playing along.


“I can see your leg trembling under my fingertips as I run my hand higher up your thigh.”


“Jim, I can’t do this. I can’t get you off over the phone because you broke with Laura.”


“Lisa,” he corrected.


“That’s my point, I don’t care. Lisa this month, Hannah before then. I don’t want to be your go to girl when you’re lonely. I’ll talk to you, but I can’t do this anymore.”


“Is it because you’re dating someone?”


“No, not exactly.” Finally what he had been waiting to hear.


“We used to do this all the time when you were dating that Steve guy. And you were the one calling me every night when you were seeing Peter.”


“This isn’t a cheating thing. I’ll talk you as your friend, but nothing else.”


“What’s the new guy’s name?”


“Come on Jim, don’t do this.”


“Is he there?”


“It’s none of your business,” she huffed. “How many times did you call me when Mary, or Sarah, or Muffy was over at your place?”


“I never dated anyone named Muffy.”


“That’s not the point. You threw the TWO guys that I’ve seen since we ended our relationship back in my face, and you’ve dated almost six times as many people.”


“Just one more time,” he begged. “Please.”


Something had changed in his voice. It was sad and broken, and she wasn’t sure if this was because of his breakup or something else.


“I have to go. It’s getting late. Call me tomorrow if you want to talk.”


She wanted to make him groan into the phone, to know that she could still make him whimper even from 3000 miles away. Because maybe he would say her name in a tone that would say ‘I’m still in love with you.’


She threw herself down on the couch and wondered how detrimental it would be to the progress she had made these last few months if she picked up the phone and called him right back. Played right into his game. She dialed the first five numbers before hitting end. Instead she typed a quick message to his cell phone that she immediately regretted sending.


I’m sorry for hanging up. Forgive me?


She had nothing to apologize for, but the idea of Jim being angry at her still bothered her.


He had his face down in the pillow wondering why he sometimes said the things he did. He didn’t mean any of them. It was his defense mechanism. When he was backed into a corner he would throw out things hoping to hit a nerve. Then the attention would be on them. He was free to lick his wounds while they just begun to feel the sting of their own.


He knew he had royally screwed up that phone call. He was supposed to call her and ask her about being engaged. Instead he was begging for phone sex and bringing up her ex-boyfriends. He wasn’t sure that she knew that the fact that she dated only two guys since they broke up hurt more than if she would have been on guy number sixteen. Two guys in the two years made it seem like she was really trying to find someone to move on with. To settle down and start the life that he had planned for them. And apparently that’s exactly what she was doing with this new guy.


His insides seemed to be folding in on itself, and he tried pushing the nausea away. But no matter how hard he tried he kept having this vision of Pam walking down the aisle and standing next to some faceless man.


He punched the pillow and rolled over to his back.


That first night in the apartment began to replay in his head. If he could relive that day every day he would, especially now knowing that he wouldn’t be able to do that ever again, now that she was someone else’s.


There was this little voice shoving its way to the front just to be heard through all of the other thoughts in his head. Fight for her.


And why not? What was holding him here? Not the love of his life. Certainly not his job? A job was just a job and he could get another one. There was only one love of your life and even if she turned him down he could always say that he tried.

*The italics denote a flashback.*


She never got a message back from Jim. How could he act that way and then just ignore her. She tried to forget about that conversation and Jim, but then out of nowhere she had started seeing him everywhere. This happened when she had left that summer to move back to Scranton. That time she was missing him, but now she was kind of mad at him. It didn’t make any sense that her mind would conjure up someone that she didn’t want to see, or maybe it did. She would only see him at the most inopportune times and it just annoyed the crap out of her. Like last week when she was at the grocery store and she was stuck in line and she could have sworn she saw him grabbing a cart. Obviously she wasn’t going to lose her place in line to chase a phantom through the store, and her mind knew that. She sees him more frequently when she’s running late for work, and he’s always walking into a coffee shop two blocks from her place. Some days she’s late on purpose just to catch a glimpse of him. And that’s what was really annoying. She looks forward to see a stupid illusion, even though she told herself she isn’t.


She tried distracting herself from thinking about Jim. She had been calling her friend or boyfriend, whatever you wanted to call him, over more often than usual. So sitting on her couch with her “friend,” Ben, she had actually managed to stop thinking about Jim for two full minutes. They were watching a movie, at least she was. His hand was slowly making its way further up her leg.


“This movie is really underrated. What’s not to love about two men dressing up as socialites?”


“Mmmhmm.” He moved her hair away from her neck and nipped at her.


“You’re not even listening.”


“I know, I’m sorry.” He kissed her on the neck again before sitting back against the couch. “Alright, let’s talk. What were you talking about?”


“I was talking about this movie,” she said trying to sound annoyed.


“Ugh, I hate this movie.”


“You’re the one who left it on this channel.”


“I know. I was hoping that you’d hate it too and you’d be more interested in other things.” He squeezed her thigh.


“Right, smooth.”


“No, clearly not. Whatever. How was work?”


“You want to hear about work?”


“Yeah, if you talk about your job I won’t feel guilty when I talk about my new case for two hours. ‘Cause you know it’s going to happen.”


“Work was okay. There’s this new artist that we’re working with and she’s a nut! Apparently her husband is going to buy the gallery. So I may or may not have to find a new job.”


“Exciting!”


“Oh yeah, nothing like starting all over.”


This is what they do. They talk about work. They distract each other from work for awhile and then they spend all night discussing work. Sometimes they end up in her bed, but it’s more likely that Ben will get tired and go home before that happens. It’s a nice little arrangement that keeps them from getting too lonely a few times a week. That’s it though. There are no strings and no declarations of love, because she’s still in love with Jim and Ben knows that.


She wanted to tell him that Jim called last month and she can’t stop thinking about him. She knows that he’ll listen because he always does. Telling him about Jim doesn’t really help either of them, so she didn’t say anything. Instead she yawned and said that she was tired and he gets the hint and stands up.


“Yeah, it’s getting late, and I have an early meeting.”


“You can sleep here.”


“No, it’s fine. I’d just have to get up early to go home.”


She wasn’t really tired, and she knew that he wouldn’t want to stay, and that as soon as he was out the door she was going to call Jim. She hugged him goodbye and tried not to feel too guilty. She knows that Ben sometimes makes out with girls at the bar, and that’s fine. So she shouldn’t feel bad about this. You can’t cheat on a friend with your ex. And really, is phone sex cheating?


She headed to her room and she closed the door and locked it, because getting caught by her roommate doing something so completely sinful while on the phone was not on the top of her list of things to do this week, or ever. It was bad enough that Angela would strategically place angel statues around Pam’s room when she knew that she would be bringing Ben home after a night out. Screaming “Oh God” in this apartment always had the possibility of being ironic. Looking up to find a statue of Jesus on her headboard had never felt so wrong. Maybe that’s why Angela did it, something about taking the lord’s name in vain.


She clicked on her lamp and pulled back the covers. She was sitting on the edge of the bed trying to kicking off her pants. Why was she doing this? She reached for her phone and scrolled through her phonebook. Her thumb lingered over his name and she hit the call button before she had time to really think this out.


“Hey,” he answered almost suspiciously.


“Hi, how are you?”


“Okay, I—surprised that you called me.” He thought if anyone was going to have to reach out to the other person it would have to be him.


“Why?”


“Because I was a total ass last time.”


“Ass or not, you’re still my friend.”


He was silent.


“Remember that first time I... that I...”


“That you what?” He asked with a laugh.


“That time in your room when we first started dating.”


“The time when you found my porn?”


“No,” she groaned.


“I really don’t know what you’re talking about.” But he did, because he was running through his apartment towards his room.


“The first time I gave you a hand job,” she whispered.


He thought it was cute and endearing that at 25 she was still shy about that. “Yeah, pretty sure I remember that.”


“Unzip your pants,” she said. “Don’t touch yourself yet.”


He wasn’t sure what got into her suddenly. Why was she willing to do this now and not a month ago? He didn’t ask though. He remembered that night when he snuck into his own bed with her. He was just kissing her. Okay, maybe he wasn’t just kissing her, but he was trying his hardest to keep everything above the waist. But when her hand that was just below the elastic of his shorts slid around to his hip and into his underwear he convulsed forward. His arm that was holding him above her buckled and his full weight was resting on top of her. She wasn’t deterred though. She shimmied to the side to give her hand more room to move and she wrapped her hand around him.


That was a good night, the way she covered his mouth with hers to muffle the groan he was letting out. Now though, Pam was recounting every detail to him and there was no need to stifle his groan and he couldn’t even if he wanted to. Just the noises alone that Pam was making would have gotten him off.


This conversation was different from the others. Normally he was the one that had to initiate it, even if she was the one that wanted to do it. He normally did all of the talking and all of the instructing. And this was the first time they had done it while talking about something that they had previously done. Sometimes he would mention something he had done to her, but it was just to get them started. So clearly she was thinking about the past and their relationship, and thank God for that, because he was sitting in his apartment two blocks away trying to figure out how to tell her that he quit his job. That he moved back to Philadelphia for her.


“Pam?” He asked over her heavy breathing.


“Yeah, still here. Sorry. Where are you at? Did you make it to your bedroom?”


“I am in my bed. So to answer your question, yes.”


“Sorry for just throwing that on you without a warning.”


“No complaints here. Why tonight though? Just needed to release some tension?” That sounded stupid. Why couldn’t he just ask the question he wanted to ask?


“Something like that.”


He was going to ask. He had to.


“Do you ever think about me?”


“Thinking about you right now,” she laughed.


“You know what I mean.”


She did know what he meant, but she wasn’t about to tell him that she had been thinking about him pretty much nonstop for the past few weeks. She wasn’t going to give that to him.


“Yeah, I think about you sometimes.” She shifted under her comforter.


“I think about you all the time. I still love you.”


Her breathing couldn’t be heard anymore.


Why did he say that?


“Shit,” she whispered.


“I mean it. I’m in love with you still, never stopped.”


“You can’t say those kinds of things to me anymore.”


“Why not?”


“Because, we’re not... I can’t. I can’t do this. I have to go.” She closed the phone and dropped it off the side of the bed.


It wasn’t fair for him do that to her. Say I love you when he was that far away. She rolled over to her side. She hated this bed. Jim slept in this bed, right there next to where she was laying. She should have bought a new one after that day he left. She laid it all on the line for him and he didn’t do anything, just kept going on like she never did anything.


She rolled over to look at the wall. She couldn’t look at that stupid side of the bed. Jim’s side. It had been two years since he had laid in this bed.


He was lying on his side and the alarm woke him up, but she had been watching him for an hour now. She missed this, waking up next to him every morning. This was where she wanted to be. She felt safe next to him... comfortable.


It was dumb and completely not thought out. He was supposed to be on a plane in four hours, but she couldn’t let him go.


“Good morning,” he said leaning over to kiss her on the forehead.


“Morning,” she said as she rolled on top of him and began kissing him down his chest.


“Wow, Beesly. How long have you been waiting for me to wake up to jump me?”


“Like two hours and thirty nine minutes. I almost woke you up, but I told myself that Jim doesn’t get this pretty without his beauty sleep,” she said looking up from his stomach.


“I’m glad you could contain yourself for that long.”


He pulled her back up wrapping his arms around her tightly so he could flip her back over and give her the same good morning kisses. He started with her lips though and he didn’t make it past that because she wasn’t responding. She was staring straight into his eyes.


“Stay here.”


“I can’t. I used up all of my vacation already.”


“No, I mean don’t go back. Or I’ll go with you. Just—I need us to be together.”


“We are,” he said reassuringly as he kissed her once more on the lips.


“No, Jim. We see each other every 2 months. That’s not together. I need more than that.”


“Pam, I can’t leave right now. I’m a project leader.”


“I’ll move then.”


He sat up pulling her up with him. “You can’t leave your dad, Pam. Scranton’s only two hours from here.”


“He told me to do what I need to do, and this is what I want to do.”


“This is working though. I know it’s hard not to see each other all the time. Think of it like an extended Rome visit.”


“No, this is nothing like that. You couldn’t go with me then, and I came back after a semester. We can be together now. I don’t understand why you don’t want that too.”


“I do. I just don’t want to take you away from where you’re needed.”


Why was it so hard for him to realize that he was worth the sacrifice?


She asked him again a month later and he sort of brushed it off, so she told him she couldn’t do this anymore. That it hurt too much to be with him but not really with him, and that maybe they should take a break. He thought she was stressed and that she’d take it back. But the break turned into dating other people, and suddenly the idea of them being meant for each other was lost along the way. They just spent the next year trying to figure out how to ignore the pain of not being together.

Things were perfect. He had just started his job, and he felt like he was really contributing to projects, not just running around to get people coffee all day. Waking up next to Pam everyday may have also done something to his overall outlook on the world. He loved coming home and seeing her painting. He loved that she was comfortable enough to show him something that was unfinished.


Things were perfect, until that day. It was a noon on a Sunday, and they had barely made their way out of bed less than twenty minutes ago. He was scrambling some eggs because, really, it was the only thing he could confidently make for breakfast.


“How many slices of toast do you want?”


“Enough to mask the taste of your eggs,” she said with a laugh from the doorway.


“Keep it up and you won’t get any toast.”


“Keep it up and you won’t get any.”


“Wow. We’ve been living together for less than a month and you’re already holding sex over my head. I thought you were different.”


He walked over to her and kissed her on the forehead once before returning to his eggs that smelled like they were good and burnt.


“I forgot to tell you, I got a call back from that bookstore down the street. They want me to start next week.”


“That’s great. I’m really going to miss my apartment looking so spotless. You were an amazing housewife.”


“Except I never cleaned anything and I’m not your wife.”


“Yet!” He added.


“Jim Halpert, are you asking me to marry you?”


“Maybe...” Why not now?


“Wait, hold that thought, my phone’s ringing. It’s my dad,” she said holding up the phone as she walked away into their bedroom. “Do you need to ask him for my hand in marriage?” She laughed.


Do people still do that? Should he do that? He just flashed her a smile before he turned back to his pan. He poured the eggs onto a plate, thinking that it would be better for both of them if he just tossed these and started over. Maybe he should just do it today.


“Hey daddy. I think Jim has something to ask you?” He heard her say loudly from the bedroom. “What? No. What?”


“Pam?” He asked as her voice sort of turned into a cry by the end. He heard something hit the floor, and he dropped his spoon and ran to the room.


She was sitting on the floor and the phone was lying next to her on the ground. She wasn’t crying loudly just sort of rocking back and forth. He watched for a second as tears poured out of her eyes and slowly rolled down her face. He wasn’t sure what to do.


“What happened? What’s wrong?”


She just shook her head and continued to cry. “My mom,” she let slip out.


He picked up the phone as he took her in his arms. “Mr. Beesly?”


He heard him sniff. “Jim... uh... Pam’s mom—Pat, she died this morning.” His voice broke, and Jim could tell that he was now crying. “She had a heart attack this morning, and one last night too, I guess. She said she was feeling weird, but she just thought it was indigestion, and this morning she had another one. I should have just taken her to the hospital.”


“Should we... do you need me to call anyone?” It was hard hearing someone so strong breakdown.


“No, just... umm... just get Pam home, please. Call me back and let me know which flight you guys can get on and I’ll call the airline to get the tickets.”


“Okay.” He didn’t know what else to say. Sorry?


“Take care of Pam,” he said with more composure now.


“I will.”


He hung up the phone, and wrapped his other arm around Pam, trying to pull her closer. He smoothed down her hair, and she just clutched onto him tighter. He held her until she stopped shaking. He pulled back and wiped some of the tears that were still sitting on her cheeks.


“I’m so sorry Pam.”


Her face crumbled, and she pulled herself into him again. He really didn’t know what to say. He had only been to one funeral in his whole life, his grandpa’s. He was twelve and he didn’t really remember it, the feelings he had, not the actual funeral. He remembered seeing his grandma cry and even his dad crying for the briefest of moments. But they all knew he was going to die. It wasn’t unexpected. It wasn’t a woman in her mid 40s. It wasn’t his girlfriend’s mom. He wished he could just pause this moment and consult with someone on what to say, like his dad. His dad always knew what to say. In the end he opted just to hold her and keep quiet. He figured silence was a better option than speaking and making things worse.


“Can you pack me some clothes?” She asked through her labored breaths.


“I can do that.”


He stood up and she remained sitting on the floor. He reached out his hand to help her up.


He held her hand until she sat on the bed, shoulders heaving in tune with her tears. He wasn’t really sure what to pack, but he figured he would put anything he could fit in her suitcase. He wasn’t sure what she left at home, and how long she would stay. Then he realized that she may not want to come back at all. That this would be it, the last few hours in his apartment with her living here, and she’d spend it crying, and he’d spend it trying to console her.



All of that seemed so long ago. It was the event that changed their life forever, and now he was moving back to try and fix all of the things that he had with her. It all happened really fast, the decision making process. Friday night he decided to put in for a transfer to Philadelphia on Monday. By Wednesday morning he was told that nothing would be available for another 6 months. He gave his two week notice instead. He called his old friend Mark and asked him if he knew if any architecture firms were hiring. He got calls pretty quickly after he sent out his resume. Most places not really needing anyone, just interested in why he would be leaving one of the best firms in the country.


His parents were more than ecstatic to hear that he would be coming home. Now visits wouldn’t be limited to Christmas and Thanksgiving. He didn’t tell him the real reason for wanting to come back, but he was sure that they knew when they would casually ask if he had told Pam yet.


He wanted to call, just pick up the phone and say, “Hey, I’m coming home. Don’t marry that guy.” He didn’t though, and he suddenly found himself abandoning his life in San Francisco, driving across the country without any real plan on how he would tell Pam that breaking up was the biggest mistake of his life, their life.


He stayed at home for a week before looking at places to live. It was sad and pathetic, but he purposefully stuck close to where Pam’s apartment was hoping that she would walk around the corner. She would be overwhelmed with joy and she would forget that loser fiancé. But after she called him that night he knew he couldn’t wait around for some romantic movie moment, and really, waiting to run into her was pretty cowardly. He had been calling her almost everyday without any answer. Maybe she was really over him and she just wanted one last goodbye phone call, and he ruined it all with his declarations of love. Jon had seen Pam at the bar again; same guy, same ring, same night. Pam was a creature of habit and they hoped that it was still true. After all of his calls went unreturned he just wanted to see if she was happy. If she was happy he’d just let her be. He’d tell her that he got fired or something, and that’s why he was back home.


Jim and Jon had been at the bar for a few hours, sitting quietly in a corner hoping for Pam to show up. Well, Jim was hoping for Pam to show up, Jon was just trying to get the waitress’ number.


It was well after 8 when Pam got there and she joined a group of guys that had been at the bar since 6. He was taken aback by how different she looked. She wasn’t just the curly haired girl in a pair of flip flops and shorts. She was wearing heels and a skirt. She looked so effortlessly amazing.


She didn’t kiss anyone before sitting. He watched trying to figure out who was the one. Which one did she let her hand linger on their arm longer than the others?


There was one guy that kept walking away, but was always coming back to check on her and order her another drink. He was dressed way too nicely for this bar, and really any bar. Jim hated the way he had loosened his tie to make himself look more casual. Why not just take off the tie? Was he hoping that Pam would grab a hold of it later tonight as she pulled him to her bed? His black hair was neatly done. Nothing about this guy reminded Jim of himself. If he would have walked in and seen a clone of himself he would have found comfort in that. Comfort in knowing that she was still hung up on him.


The way his hand sat on her bare shoulder so comfortably almost sent Jim stomping across the bar. He would lean down and whisper something in her ear that would make her laugh. He would back away, never breaking eye contact until he got back to his other group of friends. Jim had never had the urge to vomit from just seeing someone touch another person, but now, now he questioned how strong his stomach was. That was the guy, had to be.


“Is that him?”


“Maybe.”


Jim raised an eyebrow at Jon.


“They all look the same in their suits.”


“You’ve seen him twice and now all of sudden you don’t remember.”


“The last two times he was the only one in a suit, and I was sitting closer. Hadn’t had as much to drink.” He held up one of the five or maybe six drinks he had ordered to just get the waitress back over to their table. “Just go talk to her.”


“Right, because me sitting here, in a bar, in Philadelphia doesn’t seem remotely stalkerish.”


“I didn’t say that. I think all of this is very stalker-like. But how is she supposed to choose you over someone else if she doesn’t even know you’re here? And why come to the bar at all if you never planned on talking to her?”


He shrugged his shoulders before downing his drink and Jon happily flagged the waitress down for another one. He drank more and more as he watched her get more relaxed with each of the drinks she finished. Leaving her hand on the guys back longer and longer until eventually it seemed like it was glued there. He finally caught a glimpse of the ring as the light from the bar shone down, and when the ring sparkled back at him he felt his world crumble around him and the blood rushed to his face.


He stood up from the table knocking it and sending some of his beer crashing over the edge of his glass before Jon placed his hand on top of it to stop the rocking.


“You’re going to go now?!?”


“Now or never,” he stammered.


Jim stumbled across the room bumping into people and halfheartedly apologizing. She was laughing again at something that guy had just said. He stopped behind her and reached his hand out touching her elbow. She spun around smiling definitely expecting to see someone else. When her eyes met his she lightly shook her head like she was trying to shake away his image. Before she had time to say something he wrapped his arm around her back pulling her into a kiss.


This was right were he should be or wanted to be, but wants and needs were the same thing when they came to Pam anyways.


Her hands rested on his shoulder for a millisecond before she slid them down to his stomach. He could have sworn that her fingers tips grasped at his shirt before she gently pushed back against him. Her lips though, there was no denying that her lips danced against his.


Just as quickly as he pulled her into the kiss he was pulled back and a fist met his jaw. He swung back hitting the guy in the face. Unfazed by Jim’s drunken attempt he swung again hitting Jim, and sending him falling back to towards the ground.


“What the hell, man?”


Jim looked up from the floor at the guy leering over him. Jon ran across the room shoving the guy back hard.


She was in shock. She knew she should step in or say something, but she couldn’t. She hadn’t seen Jim in nearly a year and a half, hadn’t kissed him since well before then. Adding to that, her sort of boyfriend, Ben had just punched Jim. He was sitting on the floor and she just stared down at him. Blood was beginning to drip from his lip. She just stared at him; didn’t offer a hand to help him up, didn’t yell at him for kissing her, didn’t know what the hell just happened.


“Pam?” Jim asked as he tried to pull himself up.


“You know these guys?” Ben asked.


She nodded.


Jon didn’t move as Jim struggled to get to his feet.


“What are you doing here?”


Finally on his feet Jim reached for Pam’s hand but he was shoved by another guy that stood protectively in front of her.


His shoulders slumped over and he wondered how he had just become the biggest asshole in this bar; the guy he laughed at for drinking too much and getting into bar fights. That was him, Jim Halpert.


The bouncer pushed his way through the small crowd that had started to form. He grabbed Jim by the back of the neck and grabbed Ben by the arm. She watched as a few of their friends followed them outside, but she just leaned back on her barstool.


“You okay?” The bartender asked.


“Two shots of tequila and can you close my tab?”


He poured her the two shots and set her receipt in front of her. She scribbled her name on the line. She felt like that scribble. It wasn’t legible, but it was still her. That undeniable swoop she made in between the M and the B, Jim was that swoop. Instead of letting things end where they were suppose to he just kept coming back in the most inopportune times. That’s how she knew she was drunk, drunken metaphors.


She took both shots in a row and stood in the middle of the last one, wobbling on her feet.


“You gonna be okay?”


She scrunched her face together and shrugged her mouth at him. She probably wasn’t going to be okay, but at least she would be good and drunk.


She pushed through the door and Ben was still standing there waiting for her. Jim was leaning against the wall glaring at Ben. She stood in between them not sure who to talk to first. Ben approached her right away and she was glad that there was one less decision to make.


“Who is that guy?”


He was calm, and she hated that. Why did he have to be so nice all the time?


“Jim.”


“Oh,” he whispered taking a step back like he was the one now touching somebody else’s girlfriend. “Did you know that he was going to be here?”


She shook her head at him.


“You kissed him back, I saw that.”


Was he angry?


“I’m sorry.”


“Why are you apologizing?”


“I don’t know. Aren’t you mad?”


“No.”


“Then why did you bring it up?” There was a hint of annoyance in her voice.


“Cool it, Pam. I just wanted to know what you’re doing over here if he’s standing over there.”


“Did you see him tonight? He’s drunk.” She looked back at Jim who was staring daggers at the both of them.


“So are you. Go talk to him. I’ll wait over there.”


“You don’t have to wait.”


“Nope, I always walk you home. I’m not going to stop because you started kissing other guys.”


“Really, you don’t have to.”


“Is this your weird way of telling me that you’re going to take drunk Jim home? What will Angela say?” He feigned disappointment.


“Shut up,” she said as she pushed him back.


“Seriously, call me if you do need me to walk you home. I’m just going to be across the street getting food with the guys. Nothing like a bar fight to make you hungry.” He leaned down and kissed her on the cheek and looked at Jim. “Just wanted to see if I could cause another fight. Call me though, tomorrow.”


“I will.”


She stood there trying to collect herself before going over to Jim. Why was he here? Why hadn’t he told her he was going to be in town? Was she really going to make it out of this without kissing Jim tonight?


“How’s your lip?” She asked from what she considered to be a safe distance from him.


“It’s seen better days.”


She laughed nervously glancing up at him before returning her gaze to his shoes.


“Why didn’t you just come up and say hi when you saw me in there?”


“I saw you with that guy.” That was a tiny lie.


“So friends can’t say hi to each other when they’re with other people? You didn’t have any problem kissing me in front of everyone.”


“I’ve been calling you for a week Pam, a week! You didn’t pick up once.”


“What are you even doing here?”


“Getting a drink.”


She looked up at him again and frowned. Her eyes were sort of drooping and he wasn’t sure if it was from all of the alcohol he watched her consume or if she was just tired of all of this.


“I mean here, in Philadelphia.”


“I uh... I’m.” Should he lie? “I just needed to see you,” he said earnestly even through his inebriation.


“You can’t just grab people like that.”


“But you’re not just someone.” He took a step closer to her and grabbed her hand. He ran his thumb over the back of her hand. He dropped her hand as soon as he felt the ring.


“Where’s your brother at?”


Jim looked around and he wasn’t sure why he expected to see Jon standing next to him. He hadn’t seen Jon since he was thrown out of the bar.


“How are you going to get back to your brother’s?”


He swayed on his feet. “I... I’m not going back there.”


“Don’t be stubborn.”


“You’re being stubborn.” Denying feelings and engaged to some other guy.


She rolled her eyes at him. “Which way are we going?”


“4th and Market.”


“Good, I’m on 5th and Market.”


“I know,” he whispered.


The walk to his place seemed to drag on with his thoughts because he knew when they got there he should probably tell her that it was his place they were at. He was kicking himself for not telling her right away. He knew Pam, she was not going to take this well, but maybe drunk Pam would. From the bar to the house he watched her get progressively drunker, as she began leaning to one side. He wanted to put an arm around her, help her, but he just hung back.


“You okay?” He mumbled from behind her.


She nodded her head and kept walking.


When they reached his block he stopped. “Uh, I should probably tell you before we get any closer...”


“Tell me what?”


“I live here.”


“What?”


“I moved back.”


“When?” She yelled at him.


“A couple of weeks ago,” he said quietly.


“You were here when I called you last week? Did it slip your mind or are you just a jerk?” She began backing up down the block.


“I didn’t know how to tell you, and don’t act like I’m the only who forgot to tell the other person something important.”


“What did I forget to tell?” She asked sarcastically.


He reached for her left hand and pointed at her ring.


She shook her head at him, unsure of what he meant.


“The ring, Pam! Did you not think getting engaged was important? Or did you just not want to mention it because you didn’t think I could handle it? Because I’m going to be honest, I can’t. Don’t marry him. Please.”


She lifted her hand in front of his face and slipped the ring off before shoving it into his hand.


“It’s my mom’s.” Tears began to well up in her eyes.


He spun the ring in between his fingers. She wasn’t lying. He remembered the ring now; when her dad gave it to her the day she came back home. She didn’t put it on though, just clutched it tightly in her hand. The way she passed it to him in her bed that night, and she told him the story about how her mom only had one ring, no engagement ring, because her dad didn’t really propose. He just bought a ring one day and asked her to go down to city hall with him. Jim had kissed her on the temple before pulling her into to his arms.


Pam snatched the ring back from him before she went running down the street.


He began walking after her. He wasn’t sure if he could run even if he wanted to. He had done a lot of walking away and letting things go and this is where it left him, not with Pam, but still in love with her.

She tried to open the door as quietly as possible when she got home. She had slipped her shoes off when she reached the top of the stairs and she lazily let them hang from two of her fingers as she slowly closed the door behind her. But as soon as she turned around Angela was waiting, arms crossed against her chest in her night gown, and the shoes fell to the ground with a loud thump.


“Jesus Christ, Angela!” Angela raised an eyebrow in disapproval. “Sorry, JC, Ang,” she laughed.


“I didn’t mean that, but thank you for realizing that you were wrong. What I meant was why are you crying and why do you smell like a bar? What did Ben do? I will call Dwight right now if you don’t tell me, and Dwight will show no restraint in getting to the bottom of this.”


Pam smiled at the thought of Dwight trying to defend her honor. Angela’s scowl softened when she saw her roommate smiling through her tears.


“Pam?” She said impatiently with just a hint of worry.


“I saw Jim tonight. He was at the bar and he kissed me, and then Ben punched him,” she laughed again because really the whole situation sounded ridiculous and completely made up.


“Did you know that he was going to be visiting?”


“That’s the thing, Ang, he isn’t visiting. He moved back almost a month ago.”


“And he didn’t tell you,” Angela finished.


There was a knock at the door and Angela pushed past Pam to get it. She didn’t even wait for Jim to say anything before she spoke sternly at him.


“Jim Halpert! It is one in the morning! How dare you wake us up. I’m going to suggest that you leave now and call before you decide to drop by again.”


He never expected hugs from her and at one in the morning this response seemed nicer than he would have imagined and he was willing to press his luck and see if the nicer Angela would continue to stick around.


“I need to talk to Pam.”


“She’s not up for visitors at the moment. She went to bed and you’re not exactly sober.”


Angela pushed him back a little preparing to shut the door but he only swayed on his feet and leaned against the doorframe.


“I can see her right behind you.”


“Well she doesn’t want to see you and I was just trying to be nice. So now that’s out in the open you should probably leave.”


“Come on, Angela. Pam...”


“You guys are intoxicated and I think you should wait until the morning before you try to explain yourself.”


“Well, I’m not leaving.”


Angela let out a huff of air and began to shut the door, but Pam’s fingers caught the door. This isn’t what she wanted to be doing right now. She wanted to be sleeping so she would be well rested for her morning jog. This night had the potential of never ending. Normally Pam was a drama free roommate; maybe she should rethink this living situation.


“I’m not doing this with you again,” Pam said from behind Angela’s shoulder.


“Not doing what?”


Angela stiffened in front of Pam, taken aback by the tone he actually used.


“I’m not in college anymore. I’m not going to listen to you sit in front of my door all night knocking because you fucked up again.”


“I fucked up?! You broke up with me, remember?”


That’s not what he meant to say, but it just came out. She always did this to him; put him in defensive mode when he just wanted to apologize, or maybe he did this to himself.


Angela turned around suddenly with her jaw clenched and pointed towards Pam’s room and just let out a simple ‘now’ to which Pam went to her room and slammed the door.


“You need to come back when you aren’t drunk and when she isn’t so upset.”


“Tell her I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. This is just—this isn’t how things should be right now. We were supposed to be married and-“


“I don’t have any sympathy for you. You didn’t try, you just gave up.”


“I just wanted to let her be where she was needed.”


“Call next time before you stop by.”


Angela quietly shut the door in his face, and he wasn’t in any better position than he had been a month ago, maybe even in a worse position. He slid down on the wall wishing that they had an elevator right about now because the stairs were kind of daunting and his mind was too busy trying to relive this night with a much better ending to think about putting one foot in front of the other.


He should have just told her that he was coming back, but like most times fear got the better of him and he hoped that fate would take care of it all for him. Oh, how sadly he was mistaken.


She wasn’t sure why she threw out the thing about him knocking on her door all day. It was a low blow, but he wasn’t being fair. He moved and expected everything to go back to the way it was with just a kiss in a bar. That wasn’t the worst thing though. He admitted it to her; he only came back because he thought she was marrying someone else. It took the possibility of him losing her to someone else to make him do what she had been wishing he’d do since the day she told him that they needed a break. That should be enough for her, but it just wasn’t.


Angela walked into Pam's room but didn't see her. She looked behind her thinking for a second that Pam was hiding behind her door.


"Pam?"


A hand shot up from the other side of the bed.


"Get up," Angela demanded when Pam came into view. Angela softened her tone when she saw that Pam was still crying. "Please get up."


Pam pulled herself onto the bed not really trying too hard to get comfortable.


"Scoot over," Angela said.



She pulled the covers over the side of the bed and threw them over Pam, and then began to walk towards the door.


"Go to sleep, you're drunk."


"Angela... you looked pretty cool yelling at Jim," Pam smiled to herself.


"I didn't do it to look cool. Goodnight."


"Don't leave."


"What?"


"Sit with me."


"You're 25, I will not baby-sit you."


"Please Angela," she begged.


"Fine."


Angela awkwardly sat next to Pam on the bed.


"This is dumb, I'm going to bed."


"Kelly would sit with me."


"Kelly's an idiot."


"She'd still sit with me."


"Whatever. What are we supposed to do?"


"Talk?"


"They're having a sale at Talbots."


"Do you shop at Talbots?"


"No, but I saw an advertisement for it in last week's newspaper," she answered nervously.


“You do, don’t you! We can go tomorrow if you want!”


Pam watched Angela go rigid and shake her head furiously at Pam.


“The vet thinks Sprinkles’ hair loss is because of a food allergy.”


"You're really bad at girl talk."


"I'm not going to sit here if you continue to insult me."


"Sorry, sorry, sorry..."


Angela rolled her eyes and reached for the lamp cord.


"What should I do?" Pam whispered.


"Sleep it off."


"About Jim."


"Oh, I don't know."


"You really suck at this."


Angela rolled her eyes again and got off the bed.


"Goodnight."


"No, Angela! Come back. I was joking."


She chased Angela through the living room stopping dead in her tracks when she saw the shadow blocking part of the light coming in from under the door. He was there, he said he wasn't going to leave and so far he stayed true to his word. There was something comforting about him sitting there. It was like he wasn't just going to give up this time. Pam grabbed Angela by the arm and pointed towards the shadow. Angela shook her head and sulked off into her bedroom because she couldn't play referee anymore tonight.


Alone, Pam plopped herself down in front of the door waiting too see how this would play out. After an hour her butt hurt and she hadn't seen the shadow move in quite awhile. She wondered if he had passed out and wondered if it was even her that was keeping him there.


"Jim?"


"Pam," he said louder than he intended.


"I just wanted to make sure you were still alive."


"I'm hanging in there," he laughed.


There was a long pause and he thought maybe she had gotten up and went back to her room or maybe she just wasn't up for his little comments.


"Why didn't you tell me that you were moving back?"


"I thought you were getting married. I was afraid that you wouldn't give me a chance, and afterwards I thought it would be better for you to think that the move was just a coincidence. That way you wouldn't feel guilty and I wouldn't look like an ass when you told me no."


"And you didn't think that calling me and telling me you were coming back from me would have helped?"


"I don't know. I talk to you once every month, two times a month if I’m lucky. I wasn't even sure if you still liked me." He was being more open than he had originally planned and the more the words spilled out the greater his chance of never recovering from her rejection seemed likely.


"You didn't know if I still liked you?" She asked in disbelief.


"You seriously dated 2 guys since we broke up."


"Jim..."


He wasn't sure if that was pity in her voice or if she was trying to tell him that he was way off base with his assumption. Please let it be the second.


"I lied."


"What?" He turned to face the door like he could see her through it.


"I lied," she repeated. She didn't know why she wanted to tell him this. "I haven't had an actual relationship since we broke up."


"What?"


"You were dating all of these girls and I thought there must be something wrong with me because I couldn't move on. So I lied and told you I was dating Steve, and then when I thought enough time passed I said we broke up. He was just a guy I met at work and it was kind of just a casual thing."


"Why would you think you would have to lie to me?"


"Because I broke up with you, but I was the one still sitting around waiting for you to come back," she cringed at herself. When did she become that girl? "Say something."


"I asked to come and visit and you said no."


"I couldn't be with you again if I knew you were just going to be here for a couple of days. You should have told me you were moving back. You should have told me when I talked to you last week."


"Open the door."


"I don't think that's a good idea. I'm still drunk-ish and so are you."


"Please open the door."


The door clicked open and he panicked, he didn't really have a plan for saying all of this to her face. But she gave him a small smile and motioned for him to come in.


"So..." She leaned against the door trying to focus on a little spot above his shoulder because all she really wanted to do was kiss him like nothing had ever changed. Just kiss him and let him know that of course she still liked him. It was the liquor though, that was making her so free with her words and thoughts.


"Yeah..."


"Maybe we should do this tomorrow, we could do lunch."


"We're both here now."


"Do you want some coffee or tea?"


"Water's fine."


"So you asked for a transfer?" Work, she couldn't think about naked Jim and architecture models at the same time.


"I did, but there wasn’t an opening so I got a new job. I start Monday."


Part of her felt bad that he gave up a job that he loved to move across country for her and listening to him tonight he clearly wasn't even sure that it would work out in his favor. The other part of her was glad that he was still in love with her and that finally he was taking a chance.


And now she really needed to kiss him. "Maybe-"


He strode up to her and his mouth was covering hers before she even had the chance to think that they shouldn't be doing this. As soon as he had his arms around her she remembered how much she missed this, missed him.


This wasn't exactly what he was planning on, but she was standing there and he knew that look she was giving him. He had seen it countless times.


"Jim," she said pulling back slightly, "We should wait till tomorrow."


"Yeah, okay," he managed to get out before she pressed her lips to his again.


She was pushing him back through the living room towards her room, slipping a hand under the back of his shirt. She could taste the beer on his tongue and lips, and if this would have been before she would have made a joke about him tasting like an alcoholic. She wasn't sure if they could still joke. Not more than an hour ago they were arguing but now she was just trying to keep herself from pulling his shirt off. She felt her legs hit the bed and she knew where this was heading and she really wanted it. But that was okay, right? He had apologized and things were better between them... hadn't he apologized?


They fell back on the bed and Jim found his place right above her. He felt her hand go limp against his skin, but she was still kissing him. What did he do? Was the hand he put on her thigh too much? Should he pull back? Was she just not into this?


He hadn't apologized; he had only said that three years later he finally tried. She finally broke the kiss but her arms were securely wrapped around him, because she knew she was about to ask all the questions she had always been afraid to ask and she needed to see his eyes and make sure that he wasn’t going to turn away.


"Why now and not when I first asked you to stay?"


"What do you mean?"


"Why did you have to wait so long?"


"The timing was just never right," Jim said almost annoyed that she really just asked that.


"I want to hear you say it out loud, I want you to realize that it was stupid."


"Come on, that's not fair."


She looked at him pleadingly, and he shifted uncomfortably above her.


"You had just lost your mom and I wasn't going to take you away from your dad."


"You took yourself away from me though."


"Pam, I know you still drive Scranton every Sunday to make sure he’s okay. He needed you and he still does."


"You never asked," She turned her head to side, away from him.


"Asked you stay?"


"I saw the ring and you never asked. You joked about asking, but you never asked."


He was speechless.


"So, you didn't want me to move and you weren’t willing to move either, but you had that ring and I know you had since after graduation. Were you ever going to ask? Why did you even buy it?"


"I didn't know that you had seen it. I was going to ask but then your mom died and you left and it just never seemed like the right time."


"I waited and waited..." She whispered.


He slid off her and moved onto his side, looking at her, wishing that he could just go back and fix everything.


“We did everything wrong,” she threw out.


He put a hand on her stomach and moved it to her hip, bringing her to her side to face him. She frowned at him and then let it turn into a fading smile.


“I still love you. I never stopped. There just wasn’t—I didn’t know what to do, and I’m sorry I ever let things get this far, but I’m trying now as best as I know how.”


She gave him a little nod and inched closer to his chest, eventually just falling asleep for the first time in years and not having to wonder what Jim was doing.

He woke up first, confused for a second about where he was. He let his eyes adjust to the light and her face on the pillow next to his came into view. He scooted closer until her body was next to his. He had missed this every morning when he woke up. He brushed his lips against her forehead and her eyes fluttered open.


"Jim," she mumbled.


"Yeah?" He asked expectantly.


"I... Can you give me some more of the blanket?"


He really thought she was going to tell him in her sleep daze that she loved him.


He pulled more covers over her. She snuggled closer and slipped her toes under his legs and he shivered.


"Feet are cold."


"They're freezing," he said, "You're freezing."


She nodded and closed her eyes. She tried to squeeze her hands between their bodies, but he wrapped his hands around them instead and warmed them.


"Hey, Pam?"


"Hmm?"


"What is this? What are we?"


She opened her eyes again.


"Like right now, can I kiss you or do I have to act like this is completely platonic?"


He didn't wait for her to answer, just pressed his lips to hers. He pulled back a moment later and his eyes swept over her face and along the line of her neck.


It killed her when he looked at her like that. She knew she looked like shit right now. She was still in her work clothes and she hadn't taken off any of her makeup. If she looked at her pillow there would be black mascara lines on her pillowcase, but he was still looking at her like that.


She licked her lips, waiting for him to continue.


"Is this okay?"


She couldn't believe that he still did that, asked before taking things to the next level. It was a very Jim thing to do, and it only reminded her of how many things about them were still the same. Most of those things were why she loved him.


She licked her lips again, and waited.


"You're not going to answer?" He laughed.


"Nope."


"What if I rephrased the question?"


"Okay?"


"Can I warm you up?"


She bit her lip and let out a little laugh.


"You're not going to answer that either?"


"Nope."


He rolled his eyes and leaned in to her, stopping just short of her lips.


"Do you have an extra toothbrush?" He whispered.


"Funny, Jim."


"I'm serious. If I'm going to kiss you again I need to brush my teeth, get cleaned up, buy you breakfast. You know, just the standard thank you for letting me sleep in your bed after acting like an ass."


"You weren't that bad last night," she lied.


"I meant for the past couple of years."


"Jim," she sighed.


"No, I'm sorry, and the fact that you even let me get past the front door is still unbelievable. I can't even comprehend that you let me sleep in your bed."


"Did you just call me easy?"


"Yeah, I think I did. What are you going to do about it?"


She pulled him by the collar of his shirt and closed the small gap between them. Jim pressed his body harder against hers and her skin was like ice.


"Why is it so cold in here?" He asked as he traveled down her neck.


"Dwight."


"What?"


"Dwight turns the heat off when he comes over. He said that we don't need the heat on while we’re asleep because we won’t know the difference if we’re cold."


"Dwight is here?"


She wondered if she should be worried by the way Jim's eyes lit up.


"He's sleeping. He works the graveyard shift at the hospital."


"The hospital?"


"Dwight is a security guard at the hospital."


"What!"


"I know."


"That is bizarre."


"Jim, cold girl lying next to you, begging to be warm."


"Begging, huh?"


She shook her head and slipped her cold fingers into the waistband of his jeans stopping right there. He continued to kiss her neck, resting his body on top of hers. He slid a hand just under her dress and ran his hand up and down on her thigh, feeling her skin getting warmer under his hand.


“You need thicker blankets,” he said against her chest. “Or maybe just more blankets. Or maybe...” He pulled at one of her straps on her dress, “I could go turn the heat up.”


She shivered every time he spoke between the kisses, essentially just blowing cold air on her wet skin.


“Yes,” she moaned as his hand had made its way into her underwear.


“To turning up the heat?” He started to sit back up.


“Jim!” She clutched at his arm to keep him from moving away. “Oh, God!”


She let his arm go and lifted herself up and reached for the tie on the back of her dress. They weren’t going too fast, were they? It’s not like they just met. And they were still in love. Well she knew that he was in love with her still, but she wasn’t quite ready to let those words slip out just yet. She pulled at the bottom of her dress, trying to get it off without making Jim stop.


As soon as she got it off Jim moved back to her mouth, pulling his shirt off in the process.


“This is still okay?” He mumbled into her ear.


She nodded furiously against his rough cheek and she swiftly unbuttoned his jeans. He kicked them off the rest of the way and settled between her legs.


‘What a morning.’ She thought as she reached for the drawer on her nightstand and knocked off the bottle of water that she was sure that she should probably drink soon before she felt like how she looked. She pulled the drawer out too far, and it hit the floor and spilled the contents all over.


He glanced over at her hand wildly reaching around on the floor for a condom, taking notice of how many were missing from the box.


“Wait, wait,” she tried to level out the tone of her voice while her right hand tried suppressing her moan by pressing her fingers into his back.


He quickened his movement against her until he felt her clenching around his fingers. She cried out once.


She lay motionless for a few seconds until her hand came to rest on a condom. She held it between her fingers and his hand covered hers and slipped into his hand.


"Still cold?"


She smiled widely at him but her body went rigid when she heard a loud bang coming from behind them.


"DON'T MOVE!" Dwight yelled when he kicked Pam's door open. "GET OFF OF HER."


"Which is it, Dwight, don't move or get off her?" Jim turned his head back to see Dwight wielding a sword and standing in his boxers and a t-shirt.


"Jim? What are you doing here?"


Jim smirked down at Pam.


"Just, you know, hanging out with Pam."


Pam slapped his arm.


"Dwight, get out. Remember what we said about knocking before entering?"


"Yours and Angela's logic makes no sense. I heard several loud noises coming from your room and a scream. If Jim had been an actual intruder knocking would have made him aware of my presence and then you'd be dead."


"Dwight!"


"Maybe we should think of a code word."


"Dwight!"


"A secret knock?"


"Fine," Pam yelled.


“You still have the pepper spray under your bed?”


“There’s no pepper spray under my bed.”


“Yeah, I put it under your bed last month when the break-ins in the neighborhood went up three percent. It’s right here,” he said taking a few long strides into the room.


“Dwight, take another step towards us and this bed and I’ll erase all of your Dark Shadows tapes.”


“I know you’re upset right now and you don’t mean that.”


Dwight closed the broken door behind him and Jim rolled onto his back next to Pam.


"How many times has that happened before?"


"More times than it should have."


Why did he ask that? He could have easily just asked 'Hey Pam, how many times has Dwight walked in on you having sex' and the answer still would have hurt as much.


"So breakfast..."


"Yeah, that sounds good." She stood up and walked over to the door and tried to close it more. "I'm really sorry. We can still-" She wrung her hands in front of her, "if you want."


"Do you want to?"


"A little," she said quietly.


"Maybe we should get cleaned up, eat breakfast and then see how you feel about it. I would love nothing more than to finish that, but not with the image of Dwight standing in his underwear.”


“Hmm... maybe I’ve been desensitized because Dwight in his underwear does nothing to me. It’s just like an old picture on the wall that I don’t notice.”


“That should never ever be a picture on the wall.”


She walked back to the bed and watched his eyes sweep over her whole body this time.


“See, that right there.”


“What?” He laughed.


“Nothing,” she sighed. “I’m going to shower.” She grabbed a towel and wrapped it around herself, glancing back at Jim lying in her bed. “Is this weird?” She asked.


“It’s kind of surreal.”


“I feel like it’s too easy.”


“I didn’t think it was easy.”


“We were fighting last night and then this morning things were... we were us again. You don’t think that was too easy?”


“I’m not complaining.”


“You’re right, I’m just over analyzing.”


Leave it alone, Pam. Things are good, not perfect, but good. Don’t make this harder than it has to be.


She marched past Dwight sitting on Angela’s bed and shook her head at him in disappointment. Giving Dwight a hard time was one of the few things that made her feel closer to Jim while she was in Philadelphia and he was in San Francisco.


He was here, he dropped his life for her, but she didn’t care what he said. This was too easy. It was almost like they picked up from the last day they were together here. That couldn’t be right or maybe it was completely right. Who knew.


Jim walked around her room, tinkering with things. Laughing to himself when he would find something exactly where he knew it would be. But then he came to the drawer lying on the floor, looking at the almost empty box of condoms that had spilled. He shouldn’t be jealous, but he was. She had lain in this bed with someone else, and it was mostly his own fault. He bent down and began throwing them back into the box, and he put the drawer back into the nightstand. He looked down at the rest of the mess that was in front of him. Receipts, movie stubs, small pieces of paper with drawings on them. He slumped down to the floor and began rifling through the drawings. Separating them into two piles, Jim and miscellaneous.


He wondered how many of these were from before, how many of this had been done recently. Why was he such an idiot? Why couldn’t he have done this sooner? Why did he wait to the last minute? Thank God it wasn’t really the last minute though. He would have been crushed, damaged goods if she would have turned him down.


There was a soft knock on the door and didn’t even cross his mind that he should probably not be sitting around in his boxers.


“Pam?” Angela asked quietly.


“Uh, no,” Jim said nervously.


The door flew open and suddenly he was a little afraid of a girl half his size. Her jaw was tightly clenched, and her little hands were balled up.


“Not what it looks like at all.” Which was a stupid thing to say. What else would it be? He was almost naked and in Pam’s room and her dress was hanging from her headboard.


She quickly turned on her heel, her back now faced him.


“This is not a men’s locker room. If you’re going to be in this apartment you need to put something else on.”


“Sorry, and I swear, this isn’t what you think.”


She closed the door and he could hear Angela say good morning to Pam. Of course she would catch Pam coming out of the shower. Someone up there just wasn’t keen on the idea of letting Angela not look like she wanted to kill him.


“Cleaning?” Pam asked as she threw her weight against the door and he could hear the wood scrapping against the frame when it was finally shut completely since Dwight ninja kicked it open.


“Yeah, figured it was kind of my fault anyways. You told me to wait.”


He watched her leave a trail of wet footprints from the door to her dresser and then her towel dropped.


“Are you trying to torture me?” He said from the floor.


“Oh, I’m sorry. Was I supposed to pull the ‘I don’t want you to see me naked it, so watch me look like an idiot as I try and get dressed behind this towel?’ Was I the only one that did that in front of their roommate?”


“Oh...”


“Ok, and now you’re making me a little self-conscious.”


"No it's just, uh, wow."


She leaned back down and pulled the towel back up.


"Turn around."


"You're kidding, right?"


She shook her head no.


"I've seen you naked thousand of times."


He stood up and walked towards her.


"That's not turning around."


"You've really filled out."


"Calling me fat and easy, all in one morning. How did I get so lucky?”


"Definitely not fat. But the curves," He pulled at her towel, "I like the curves."


She shifted in front of him nervously.


He placed his hand on her side and let his hand run down from her breast to her hip.


"Did you need to go back to your place?" She said a little out of breath.


He pushed her back against the closet door and lifted her up and her legs wrapped around his waist. She threw her head back and hit it the wall when his mouth covered her nipple. There was a rhythmic knock coming from just next to the closet door. Jim pounded his fist against the wall in return.


“Does that mean you’re okay or you need help? It was a little forceful. Do you need help, Pam? Are you sure that’s really Jim? Jim, what was my 8AM class spring semester of freshman year?”


“I’m gonna kill Dwight,” she gasped.


“Pam, I’m going to enter the room again!”


“NO!” They yelled in unison.


“I’m coming in now.”


“Differential Equations,” Jim yelled.


They stayed frozen waiting for Dwight to kick the door in again.


“Was that all he needed?” She whispered.


“I think so.”


He put her back down and stepped back.


“I think that was our cue to leave before he tries it again.”


She dressed quickly, ignoring the looks he was giving her. She pulled her wet hair back into a ponytail and grabbed a sweater. He was at the door before she said anything. He took her hand and she gave Angela a quick wave.


They walked the short distance to his apartment, stopping at the door.


“I think I’ll wait here.”


“You don’t want to see the amazing interior decorating of Jim Halpert?”


“No.” His face dropped. “No, I mean, I do! But I just think if I go up there breakfast will become an afterthought. You know?”


“I’ll be right back then.”


He casually walked up the stairs even though his head was telling him to hurry. She wasn’t going anywhere, but he still was trying to process everything. He walked into the apartment and looked at his phone for the first time since he left the bar last night.


10 missed calls.


He’d call Jon back later, maybe give Jon his ex’s number since they both didn’t understand that calling someone 10 times in a row wasn’t acceptable.


She leaned back against the cold brick and wondered how many times they had just missed each other when she walked to work in the morning. Then she wondered how many times her Phantom Jim was really just Real Jim.


He walked out ten minutes later, looking showered and gorgeous. She needed to get her hormones in check around him because wanting to have sex with him all the time wasn’t healthy, especially when they were just starting out again.


“There’s this little place on 2nd, pretty good omelettes.”


“Yeah, that sounds good.”


She trailed after him fighting with herself.


“You okay?” He asked.


“Yeah, just waking up still.”


He held the door open for her and she shyly folded her hands in her lap when they were seated.


“Did something happen in those ten minutes I left you alone?”


“Why did you move two blocks away?”


“I was hoping that we would run into each other.” He looked down at the table feeling embarrassed and he began swiping at invisible crumbs on the table.


She took a sip of her water and bit back a smile.


“I, uh-“


“So where are you working at now?”


“MD Architects.”


“And you said you start Monday?”


“Yeah. Glad you remember some of last night’s conversation.”


“Me? You! You got into a bar fight last night.”


“You got me there.”


He could see her turning something over in her head again, staring blankly at the salt and pepper shakers.


“You know what’s weird?” He said pulling her from her trance. “We used to talk like once a month, but I feel like I don’t know anything about you now. I know how you take your tea. You still take it the same way, right?” She nodded. “But I don’t know what you do on the weekends or what that last movie you saw was.”


“Yeah,” she sighed, “I feel the same way.”


The waitress placed their plates in front of them, neither reaching for the food after she left.


“Maybe we should start over,” he suggested.


She laughed.


“Hi, I’m Jim Halpert,” he said extending his hand.


She gave him a confused look.


“And you are...”


She laughed again. “Pam.” She shook his hand


“Nice to meet you, Pam. You’ve lived in Philadelphia for awhile?”


“Not too long. Just a few years now. You?”


“Born and raised.”


She grinned down at her food. Starting over, definitely the best idea either of them had in a long time.

There were a few people ahead of him already entering the building. He had only been there twice, once for an interview and then again to speak to Mr. Mifflin about his position. He would be basically starting over at the bottom as an architect. He knew it was bullshit, but no one was willing to hire him at his old salary and position, at least he wasn’t an intern.


He hit the button for the elevator, rocking back and forth on his feet. Everyone else had either taken the stairs or squeezed onto the same elevator, far exceeding the capacity of it. Jim could see out of the corner of eye someone mirroring his movements, even going as far as shoving his hands in his pockets when Jim did. When the doors finally opened he stepped ahead of a short skinny guy and they both reached for the same button at the same time.


“You work at Mifflin?” He asked.


“Just starting today.”


“Me too!” The guy hopped with excitement.


“Cool,” Jim said indifferently.


“My mom got married to Phil last June. Kind of worked out for me because I just graduated and I wasn’t sure what I was going to do.”


“Phil? Phillip Mifflin?”


“Yeah, ironic. Huh?”


“What did you say your job title was?”


“Didn’t. I’m a Senior Manager.”


Jim bit the inside of his cheek and smiled. Of course the kid that just graduated was higher up than him. Of course. Probably had no idea what his job title meant.


They both stepped off the elevator at the same time and Jim walked over to the empty workspace that he knew was his. He placed his bag under the desk and was immediately greeted by a dark haired guy in his thirties.


“Jim, welcome aboard. Tom Keller, I’m a Senior Architect. If you have any questions my door is always open."


"Thank you."


"So I hear you were the Project Manager at Klein Reynolds in San Francisco. I graduated with Matt Klein. Good guy. He had a lot of good things to say about you."


"You worked at Klein Reynolds?" The short guy exclaimed.


"Yeah," Jim smiled and Tom gave Jim an apologetic look.


"They just got the Springfeld account!"


"Jim, this is Derek Peterson. He's the new..." Tom rolled his eyes up, “employee."


"Senior Manager," Derek corrected.


"Jim, you'll be working with me today. I'll get you up to speed on the project you and I will be working on for the next quarter."


Derek stood at Jim's desk staring at them as they walked off.


"Should we..." Jim motioned back to him.


"No. He doesn't have any actual responsibilities, just a nice office and the salary to match."


Jim walked into a larger workspace and glanced back at Derek still standing where they left him. He didn't understand how he could feel bad for someone and despise them at the same time.


At lunch he took his meal outside and braved the cold to make a phone call. It rang five times before she picked up.


"Hey you," Pam whispered.


"Not a good time?"


"No. Angela and I are at lunch. I told her I had to go to the bathroom. She hates when people pick up the phone at the table. How's your first day?"


"Good. I was actually calling to see if you wanted to meet me but never mind. I guess just call me later then."


"Yeah, definitely. Have a good rest of the day."


"You too. Bye Pam."


"Bye Jim."


He wasn't sure about all of this being easy. He felt like he was stumbling through it all and any minute he'd push her too far too fast. Saturday they ate and walked around before it started to snow. She got a call from Angela and told him he should come along but he wanted to give her some time to process last night’s and the morning’s events because he definitely needed time to.


He got back up with his lunch and saw that skinny blonde guy sitting on a bench throwing most of his lunch to some birds.


Keep walking Jim, keep walking.


But he didn't. He veered off the sidewalk towards Derek.


"You didn't go to lunch with everyone else?" Derek asked while never breaking eye contact with the bird.


"No, I thought I was going to meet up with someone, but ended up not working out."


"Why didn't you go?"


"Wasn't invited."


"It's cold out here. Did you want to go back up with me?"


He nodded and gathered what was left of his lunch.


"No offense but why are you working here and not at Klein Reynolds?"


"Long story, but Mifflin is still a good firm."


"Klein Reynolds! Did you get fired?"


"No," Jim laughed as he held the door.


"You hated San Francisco?"


"No."


"Why would you leave?"


"A girl." Jim waited for the elevator.


"Must be a really hot girl."


Jim smiled.


"She is, isn't she?"


"Yeah."


"How hot?"


"She's quit your job, move across the country, gorgeous."


"How long have you been dating?"


"Actually we aren't right now."


"You quit your job for a girl that you weren't even dating?"


"We dated for three years."


"That's awesome, man. I dated this girl for, like, a month in college but it didn't work out."


They stepped out off the elevator and walked towards the break room. Derek wasn't too bad he decided. He'd probably be a really nice kid if he wasn't his boss. He felt a little bad for him when everyone returned from lunch and again Derek was left standing by himself.

---

He was walking home from work when he realized he needed to do more than try and kiss her. He needed to show her how much he still loved her. So unofficial date one take two is what he decided on. He probably should have called first, but in all of his running around it slipped his mind. So he was standing in front of her door hoping that she was even home.


He knocked and could hear rustling. Than a small ‘shit’ was murmured before she opened the door.


"Hey, I didn't think you were coming over tonight."


"Sorry, I should have called."


"Come in."


She waited until he walked past her and then she pulled at the rubber band in her hair and took off her glasses.


"So what do you have there?"


"Pizza," he chuckled as he held up the pizza box.


"What I meant was are you going to share it?" She was already lifting the lid and grabbing a slice.


"Wow, Bees. Hungry?"


"Nope," she said with a full mouth.


"So this is okay? I'm not intruding on anything?"


"No, you just caught me sitting around in my pajamas at 6; it’s kind of embarrassing, but okay." She put her glasses down on the table and lowered herself down in front of the couch. "Angela gets mad when I eat on the couch."


"I was actually going to suggest the floor."


She looked at him suspiciously. If he thought pizza was going to lead to sex on her living room rug he was sorely mistaken. Okay, he was probably mistaken.


"How was work, were you nervous?" She teased.


"HAHA. It was good. I thought I'd spend all day getting people coffee, but I actually got to start on a new project."


She grabbed another slice and took a small bite and placed it on the napkin sitting next to her.


"Do you regret quitting?"


He shook his head no and reached back for the remote.


"You sure?"


"Pam."


"Jim..."


He swiveled on the floor to face her. "I'm sure."


He reached over her and snagged the pepperonis she had discarded. She looked at his hand and then the pepperonis and then to the channel he had put it on. She had lived this before, been here in another life.


"You planned this!"


He was pulling two sodas from his bag.


"Starting over, right? That day when we watched the Simpsons was the first time I really got to talk to you. I know we don't think of that as our first date, and I'm not entirely sure what you think was our first date, but I'm calling it that for right now. There was dinner, drinks, entertainment, and conversation."


"So Ryan, Andy and Dwight were all on our first date?"


"Yeah."


She leaned back on the couch, quietly inching her fingers towards his.


“Thanks,” she said quietly, “for remembering stuff like this.”


He let his fingers grip hers and he finally felt like he wasn’t going to fast or pushing her too far.


“In honor of that first non-date, tell me about yourself.”


“What?”


“Fill me in on the things I don’t know.”


“I’m in a book club?”


She glanced up from the pizza she was picking apart and locked eyes with him and remembered how hard of a time she used to have looking him in the eye without turning beet red.


“We meet once a week. We dress up sometimes.”


“Dress up?” He laughed with his eyes.


“Depending on the book we read we try to wear something that ties us to the book or do something like eating some food. Like, last week we read Wild Swans so I wore a qipao.”


“What’s that?”


She held a finger and pushed herself up off the floor. She came back a moment later holding a traditional Chinese dress.


“So you just had that lying around in your closet?”


“No, I bought it.”


“What else do you have in there?” He stood and she instinctively blocked the door. “I promise I won’t laugh. I just need to see these ‘costumes’ with my own eyes to fully understand this book club.”


“My closet is really messy,” she protested.


“You can’t pull that line on me,” he said as he got through her barricade of arms.


As soon as he had his hand on her closet door and he swung it open he immediately regretted it. Not because of what he saw or even because of the sadness of the idea of it. No, it was her desperate whisper of ‘wait.’


But it was done and he was standing in front of a bevy of discarded sculptures and paintings and she was already pushing the door closed before he had a chance to get a good look at anything.


He knew that she was never really confident when it came to the art she did, but her piling them up in her closet, hidden away from everyone was something new. He wondered what happened between the time when they broke up and she would freely paint out in the open to now, to this.


“Told you it was messy,” she joked.


“Pam...” He begged with his eyes.


“Pizza is probably getting cold.”


They sat in silence staring at the T.V. but not really taking any of the images in. He should have listened to her telling him no. If he wouldn’t have been so caught up in having fun and trying to force them to be them again he would have heard that tone. He knew it, but this time he didn’t even think twice about it.


“So tell me more about your job. I mean, I know you work in a gallery, but what do you specifically do?”


“I buy, sell, and exhibit art for artists.”


“So you’re like an agent for artist.”


“Kind of, sort of.”


“A drug dealer for art?” He joked.


“Well, I am an Art Dealer, but I swear there is rarely any drug activity involved.”


She laughed and nudged his shoulder with hers as he feigned shock.


“Sorry about before,” he said when her laughter died down.


“It’s just stupid stuff that I didn’t know what to do with. It’s embarrassing that’s all.”


“I started painting after you left,” he confessed.


“No, you didn’t.”


“I did. You left some of your stuff behind and I didn’t want to send it back because it made the apartment feel like you were still there. Like, I’d come home and find you in front of your easel.”


“Did you keep the paintings?”


“Yeah. Next time you come over you’ll see them and pretend to like them.”


She pushed back against his shoulder and found his hand again. She’d tell him later, show him why she had pushed all of her art into a closet.

She switched the phone in between her shoulders and plopped down on the couch. They had both been busy at work the past week, but she was making an effort to get to know him again because she wanted this to work. She didn't want either of them to be able to say that it didn't work because one of them didn't try. So in lieu of dates they were trying to call each other once a day.


"What are you watching again?" She propped up a few pillows and leaned back on them.


"Big Brother," Jim said under his breath.


"What was that?"


"Big Brother," he said louder.


"Jim, don't be ashamed of your T.V. shows."


"Well don't laugh at me when I tell you what I'm watching."


"I distinctly remember not laughing when you said you recorded it."


"I know what I heard." He muted the T.V.


“I get it Jim. You’re worried about your presentation tomorrow and you’re deflecting that worry and turning it into anger towards me. You can tell me, first showing of the model wasn’t so great?”


“Zip it, Beesly.”


“We can talk about this if you want.”


“Are you trying to get me to hang up?”


“No, I just want you to talk through your issues.”


He smiled and shook his head.


“Did you want to meet for lunch tomorrow?”


“Actually I have a lunch meeting with a potential buyer tomorrow. But things are kind of slow if you want to stop by after I get back, and you can eat your lunch while I open the gallery.”


“I hate you so much right now.”


“Why?”


“You’re not opening the gallery until after noon. I have to be at work at 9 and you’re rubbing it in my face.”


“What can I say, I totally was. No one wants to buy art at 9 am.”


He let out a sigh, turned off the T.V. and walked towards his room.


"So you talked to your dad today?”


“Yeah.”


He quietly waited for her to continue, but she never did.


“How is he?” He finally asked.


“He’s doing pretty good. He’s building a shed. I’m not sure he knows how to build anything, but he’s trying.”


“If he needs help I know a thing or two about building structures, and yes, I was totally rubbing that in your face.”


“A true gentleman. I think he might need help. Last time I was there it was a lot of banging and sawing but he never made any progress. I’m sure he would love to see you again.”


“Yeah, just let me know.”


“Thanks.”


He pulled back the covers and slid into bed. He longed for the day when she’d be there next to him and they wouldn’t have to talk on the phone after a long day at work.


“What are you doing?”


“I’m getting ready for bed.”


“Oh! What are you wearing?” She teased.


“I’m not wearing anything.”


She laughed.


“Free balling it. Awesome. Alright, Naked Boy, call me tomorrow if you want to eat and finally see the gallery.”


“Wait. I didn’t say that I was going to sleep, just getting ready.”


She folded her legs under herself trying to get comfortable.


"What did you do after dinner yesterday?"


"Angela and I went shopping. Bought some lingerie."


"What," he choked.


"Yeah right. I can't even get Angela to buy regular underwear with me at the store. I'm 84 percent sure that she buys her underwear online so no one can put the face with the panties. That technically wasn't a lie though. I was trying to get her to buy something nice for her anniversary, so we were in Victoria’s Secret."


"That is an image I never need in my head. I can't believe that you've lived with her for this long."


"She's not that bad. A little abrasive, but I don't know, she's my best friend."


She could hear his sheets ruffling and a yawn.


"Tired?"


"Kind of."


"Jim Halpert tired at 11, what is the world coming to?"


"I don't know."


"Call me tomorrow, okay."


"You're going to let me go?"


"You're falling asleep."


"What are you going to do?"


"Probably read."


"Come over," he said before he could even realize what he was saying.


"Right now?" She looked around scared that Angela would hear.


"If you want."


"Umm, yeah. Give me, like, 10 minutes."


Crap, crap, crap!


“Want me to meet you half way?”


“No, I should be fine.”


“Well at least stay on the phone until you get here.”


“Should I—should I bring pajamas?”


“Do you want to stay over?”


“Is that not... Sorry. Just—Nevermind.”


“I really want you to stay over.”


She tried to make idle conversation while she packed a quick bag and changed. When she closed the door behind her she could already see Angela's scowl tomorrow morning.


She hung up when she reached his building and he was already there waiting for her in the front.


"Those are cute," she said, motioning down to his flannel pajama bottoms, “But I was told you were going to be naked."


"I always knew you were just using me for my body."


"Caught me."


"C'mere." He grabbed her hand and wrapped it around his back. "That was way too long."


She pushed herself up on her toes to kiss him. She wasn't sure if he'd make a move without her making one first.


He kept his hands high on her back, and other than her chest pressing against his the kiss was chaste. Jim's neighbor clearly didn't agree as she pushed past them on her way out and grumbled something about hormonal teenage whores.


"I think she just called you a whore," Pam whispered with a smile.


"So does that make you the hormonal teenager?"


She nodded and pushed up again to kiss him.


"You are such a teenager, making out on the front steps," he said when he pulled away.


"You haven't invited me in yet and I've wanted to kiss you all week so I'll kiss you wherever I see fit."


His eyes went big. "Wow."


He took her bag, and she followed him up the stairs. His door was open and she could already see that most of his furniture was exactly the same from the last time she was in his old apartment, but his new apartment was so much bigger that it almost looked empty.


"Not much to look at but it's a place to sleep."


"Are you kidding, this puts my apartment shame. It's huge," she said throwing her hands in the air to demonstrate its size.


"And now you’re exaggerating." She smiled and shook her head at him. "Are you thirsty or hungry?"


"I'm good. Did you want to lay down now or should—I'm making this sound dirty or I don’t know – kind of wrong."


"Whatever you want to do is fine with me."


She hated when they talked in circles.


"I'm kind of tired."


"Sleep it is."


She meekly followed him into the room trying to force herself to tell him out loud that she wasn't really tired and she just said that because she knew he was before when they were on the phone. She removed her coat and threw it next to his closet door.


"You can hang that in the closet." He laughed.


She shrugged her mouth at him and moved towards the still made side of the bed waiting for him to make the first move and lay down.


He watched her eyes move between him and the bed and she looked increasingly more uncomfortable. He shouldn't have invited her over; it was too soon for her. He thought about telling her that he'd walk her home, but she was holding the corner of the blank and she was putting her knees down on the mattress. She inched herself over to him and pulled him by the shirt down to her.


"I thought you were tired," he whispered as she kissed his neck.


"No."


He was now kneeling on the bed and he lifted her chin up with his finger so her mouth was lined up with his. He began moving them down to the bed and she climbed on top of him.


Pam lost her shirt first and retaliated by taking his off. Her hips had been moving against his every few seconds for the past half an hour, and if she didn't want to take this further than someone should have told her hips.


He let out a moan and his head fell back and she was left kissing his chin. He felt her hand slip between them and sneak under his waistband and he breathed in sharply.


"Pam," he moaned.


Her eyes were black and she seemed to be out of breath. But she was taking in his every moan and whimper. She loved the way he tried to sit up to kiss her again but his arm would buckle before he could reach her.


He finished and he sat up, pulling her back onto her knees and he slid her pajama bottoms and panties down. She glanced over at the clock and thought about telling him that it was already midnight, but she'd spare the $4 in the morning for the coffee.


She kicked her pants off the rest of the way and followed his lead as he rolled them back down to the bed. They continued to kiss until he was ready and straining against his pants.


"Hold on," he said hoarsely.


He climbed off the bed and walked over to the light switch and turned it off, which only made her feel self conscious. She could hear him moving in the dark around the room, bumping into things.


"What are you doing?"


The lamp on his drafting table flicked on.


"Mood lighting," he smiled sheepishly at her in its glow.


He strolled back over to the bed stopping to take his remaining clothes off and she grinned at him. He tried to gently climb on top of her but his knees knocked hard against hers and she winced.


“Sorry, sorry, sorry.”


“We used to be good at this.”


“We’re a little rusty. I bet you by morning we’ll be pros again.”


“Right.” She rolled her eyes.


He lowered his face closer to hers and kissed her brow and then her temple. Pam closed her eyes as he traced his index finger down the bridge of her nose to her lips.


“I’ve missed you so much.”


“It was a long week.”


“Not what I meant.”


“I know. Just trying to keep the conversation light.”


Her foot ran up his calf and he knew she was trying to tell him that she was done talking. He watched her sly smile twist as he slowly entered her. He couldn’t help comparing how this was different from all of the other times. It was clear that they had been with other people. He’d have to learn what she liked now, because he was pulling out every trick he knew and he wasn’t getting half the response he remembered getting. Pam on the other hand, it was like everything she did she did with the intention of making him moan louder and she was damn good at it. He was about to give up and just ask her what he needed to do when she started to laugh and he could feel himself quickly deflating and he rolled off her.


“Hey,” she said stroking his side.


“Sorry.”


“What are you sorry for?”


“You were laughing. I know you’ve been with other guys but I always thought I’d know how to get you off.”


“I wasn’t laughing at you. I was laughing at this.” She motioned between them. “I’m not even sure you were enjoying that.”


“I was enjoying that.”


“No, you should have seen your face. You looked confused and frustrated. You weren’t even looking at me. You were looking at the headboard. I actually looked up to see what you were looking at.” She knocked on the black wood behind them.


“So you weren’t enjoying that?”


“No. I mean, yes. It felt good,” she lowered her voice. “But I want to have sex with you,” she poked him in the chest, “Jim, not a porn star.”


“Well, same goes for you. You gotta give me something, Pam. I feel like I’m walking through a maze blindfolded. I felt like everything I was doing was falling flat.”


She frowned and moved closer to him until she was straddling him.


“I want you,” she repositioned herself on him, “to do something for me.”


“OK.”


“Remember that it’s just you and me here. Forget about everyone else, please.”


“It’s not that easy.”


“It is. I promise you it is.”


“Every single move you make I think about how somebody else you were with taught you that. And I’m not trying to be a jerk, just telling you how I feel.”


“I don’t think you’re a jerk, far from it. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t immediately think about some tall blonde when you got up on your knees and lifted my ass in the air with you. That was very Jim Halpert-like,” she laughed towards the end.


“I get it... too much.”


“It was nice, just unexpected. Very unexpected. Maybe warn me before you try something new. A quick ‘hey Pam, I’m going to lift your leg above your head’ will suffice.”


“Hey Pam, I’m gonna try this again.” He smirked.


He lifted her hips up and positioned her right above him before guiding her down. Maybe it was the talk about calming down his “moves” or maybe it was that she admitted to him that she thought about the other girls and it bothered her, but whatever it was it was different this time. She pulled his shoulders up and she clung onto him when he was finally sitting.


He was lightly sucking and nipping at her neck and she began to shake on his lap. She inhaled deeply and then sharply let out the breath next to his ear over and over until she stopped her movement all together and let her forehead rest against his shoulder.


“Keep going,” she said in voice that sounded worn and like someone else’s.


He thrust up his hips up and her shaking returned accompanied by a small moan that soon wasn’t so small. He couldn’t hold it any longer with her noises and he put his hands behind him on the bed to help him continue to move.


She let out a string of Jims before she covered his mouth with hers. She waited till his hips violently jerked up one last time before she said it, she could have picked a better time, a quieter time, but honestly, the words still scared her. It was the fact that she meant it as much as the day she first said it back that scared her. So why not say it when he might not catch it?


“I love you,” she whispered as they fell back to the bed.


He didn’t say anything back right away so she assumed he didn’t hear it, but he was grinning up at her and possessively holding her hips. It was probably just the sex though because still he didn’t say anything. He kissed her once more before he let her hips go and threw his arms out to the side of him, spanning the whole bed with his reach.


“Bathroom was on the right?” Pam asked.


He nodded and his eyes followed her as she raised herself off of him and got off the bed. She snagged his shirt off the desk and made her way out into the hallway. When she came back he was still lying in the same place. She found her underwear sitting on the edge of the bed and she quickly slipped them on under the t-shirt.


“Can you toss me mine?”


“You need your panties too?”


“Yes smartass.” He sat up and leaned over the edge and found his pajama pants. She took advantage of the space he left open and sprawled out in it. "I'm going to get some water. Do you want anything?"


"I'll just drink your water."


Jim walked through the dark apartment, briefly stopping in the door way on his way back in to watch her lying in his bed. He heard those three quiet words that were barely over a whisper, but he couldn’t be sure if she really meant to say it or if she just said it out of habit while having sex with him.


He held the glass out and she halfheartedly sat up and took a large drink before handing it back. He took one more sip before putting it on the floor beside the bed.


“You still do that?” She laughed.


“Do what?” He climbed back in the bed.


“Put your glass on the floor instead of the night stand?”


“It’s easier to drink that way. I just have to lean over the side to take a sip at night.”


“I know, I know. I just thought you would have eventually gotten tired of wiping up puddles of water in the morning.”


“Never.”


He tangled his legs with hers and she brought her hands up to his chest and let them rest there.


“I’m glad you came over.”


“Me too.”


“What are you doing tomorrow night?”


“Just working until 7.”


“Let’s go out tomorrow. Have dinner.”


“OK,” she said calmly while trying to keep a huge smile at bay.


“Tomorrow at 8 then.”


He nuzzled his face into the pillow and closed his eyes, peeking a few seconds later to catch her grinning.


“Goodnight, Pam.”


“Night, Jim.”


He watched her smile slowly fade as she drifted off to sleep. He took one of her hands off his chest and brought it up to his mouth and kissed her finger tips.


“Love you.”


He put her hand back and closed his eyes.