INT - Office.

Dwight is standing in front of reception talking to Natalie.

DWIGHT
On your way in, did you notice anyone following you, or a tail of any kind?

NATALIE
No.

Michael runs in.

MICHAEL
Attention everyone! Jan and I went to the vaginacologist this morning, and I have something to share with everyone. Everyone in the conference room. Come on!

Michael runs into the conference room as Dwight giddily follows.

INT – Conference room.

Michael is standing in the front as everyone files into chairs.

MICHAEL
Come on in. Have a seat.

DWIGHT (standing beside him by the door)
Let’s go. Hurry up everybody. Speed it up, Phyllis.

MICHAEL
Alright, everyone’s here. Now, I have something I want to show everyone. (He holds up an ultrasound photo as Kelly claps her hands.) This is a hologram of me and Jan’s baby.

JIM
I’m sorry, it’s a what of your baby?

MICHAEL
A hologram.

PHYLLIS
You mean a sonogram.

MICHAEL
No, I mean a hologram.

NATALIE
A hologram is like an optical illusion, that’s a sonogram.

MICHAEL
Well, whatever. Look, isn’t it beautiful. It’s amazing. A real life miracle.

MEREDITH
Is it a boy or a girl?

MICHAEL
I don’t know, Jan wants to be surprised.

DWIGHT
It’s a boy.

MICHAEL
What?

DWIGHT (points at the photograph)
There’s it’s penis. It’s right there.

MICHAEL
Shut up, Dwight. You can’t see anything. It doesn’t even look like a baby, it looks like a baby walnut. Here I’ll pass it around.

The photo gets passed around.

PHYLLIS
Do you know who the father is?

MICHAEL
Yes, he is 22 years old, he’s a senior at Penn State where he’s studying Business Management, and his favorite band is Fall Out Boy. So hopefully my child will become regional manager of Dunder Mifflin one day. You may one day find yourselves working for a Mr. Steve Martin Dangerfield Scott. Or a Mrs. Coretta Scott King.

JIM
Those are the names you’ve chosen?

ANDY
Good choice, Fall Out Boy is an awesome band. I saw them in concert last year. It rocked the hizz-ouse!.

Angela rolls her eyes.

JIM (holding the picture)
Uh oh.

MICHAEL
What? What is it?

JIM
Nothing. Just… well, your baby doesn’t have any hair.

MICHAEL
Pssh… all baby’s are born without hair, Jim. Shows how much you know about birthing a child.

JIM
You said Jan’s almost four months along, right?

MICHAEL
Yeah.

NATALIE
Michael, all babies should have grown a full head of hair by four months.

JIM
Yeah. Michael, I hate to break this to you, but your baby’s going to be permanently bald.

MICHAEL
Oh my God. Well don’t they have treatment for it when they’re a baby? Like Rogaine for babies or something?

NATALIE
No.

MICHAEL
Kevin, have you always been bald?

KEVIN
No. At least, I don't think so...


MICHAEL
Well, bald can be cool. Look at Bruce Willis. Or Michael Jordan. My baby will look just like Michael Jordan. Minus the black part. No offense, Stanley.

STANLEY
None taken.

MICHAEL Talking Head:
My baby is going to bald for life, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. This just means that now, he can make it big and become famous. Like a basketball player. Or a rapper. A future Michael Jordan Scott. Junior. (He smiles) Jan said I can't help pick out the name, but I think she'll make an exception in this case.

OPENING CREDITS.

INT – Office, by the accountants.

Kevin and Oscar’s computers ding, signaling a new e-mail.

OSCAR (looking at his computer)
Why would Dwight want us to start calling him Dwichael?

Kevin chuckles.

NATALIE Talking Head:
Dwight has a bad habit of not locking his computer when he leaves his desk. Today, whenever Dwight steps away from his computer, I’ve sent an email from Dwight to the entire office. So far, he’s given his lunch away to Creed, and asked that everyone in the office only refer to him as Dwichael. Next, I suspect that he'll be informing everyone of his desire to have a sex change.

INT – Michael’s Office.

MICHAEL
I started getting back into that one TV show that comes on Thursdays, that one with the whiny doctors and the anorexic chic? And I realized that if I were a character on that show, that I would be the McDreamy doctor. Usually, I’m more of a McSteamy, because he’s good-looking, funny, and gets all the hot nurses. But McDreamy, he’s ready to settle and he’s ready to get married and have kids and a family, and I want all of those things. Well, plus the hot sex. So maybe I’d be both of them. Sort of a… McSteamyDreamy.

PAM (her voice comes through his speakerphone)
Is this all you called me for Michael? I really have to get to class.

MICHAEL
No, that’s… that’s not it, Pam. Actually I need some womanly advice from the one trustworthy woman I know. Mano y mana.

PAM
Michael-

MICHAEL
Jan apparently thinks that it would be okay if her and I were allowed to see other people, even though I am letting her live in my casa, and eat all my Lucky Charms, and use my penis at will. Kind of like Michael Love On-Demand, Cinemax late night special. Jan Levinson Confessions.

PAM
…Ok.

MICHAEL
And tonight, she is going out on a date with a young gentlemen friend that she met while he was bagging her groceries at Gerrity’s.

PAM
How young is he?

MICHAEL
Pam, obviously, I need your advice. What should I do?

PAM
What do you mean?

MICHAEL
Don’t you see, Pam? I am going to be the co-owner of this child, me, Jan, and the sperm supplier. We can’t have four people running this thing, that’s… just, impossible. It never happens. Three Amigos. Three Stooges. Three Muskateers. Three Men and a Baby. Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place. Catch my drift?

PAM
Ok, Michael. Maybe you should just talk to her, and tell her you would rather she don’t see other people.

MICHAEL
Yeah… yeah, I could do that. But I was thinking, maybe… maybe I should start dating somebody else. And then there would be five of us, just like the cast of Friends.

PAM
But there were six friends on Friends-

MICHAEL
No, Ross didn’t count, come on, stay with me Pam!

PAM
Ok, well Michael I really have to get to class. Maybe you could talk to Holly. Or maybe Phyllis could help you.

MICHAEL
Yeah, when’s the last time Phyllis went on a date with anybody, 1942?

PAM
Goodbye, Michael.

MICHAEL
Wait, Pam-

We hear the dial tone.

MICHAEL
She hung up. Ugh. Just… useless. And that is why I got rid of Pam in the first place. What good is it having a receptionist who doesn’t have any helpful relationship advice to give at all? Or at the very least, won’t do you the favor of having sex with you just so I can get back at Jan?

INT – Office.

Dwight is at Phyllis’ desk.

DWIGHT
Do you have the new number for the Lackawanna School District? I need to make contact with a former client of mine.

PHYLLIS
No. Sorry, Dwichael.

DWIGHT
What? What did you call me?

PHYLLIS
I called you Dwichael. I'm sorry, did I pronounce it wrong?

DWIGHT
Why would you call me that? What is that?

PHYLLIS
Because. You asked us to.

DWIGHT
No, I did not. Why would I do such a thing?

PHYLLIS
You sent it in an email to everyone in the office.

DWIGHT
Argh! Dammit, Jim! We have been through this! Alright, attention everybody, disregard whatever email Jim sent you telling everyone to call me Dwichael. Do not listen to anything this floppy-haired pissdemon says to you.

JIM
Wow. That’s a little harsh, don’t you think?

DWIGHT
Zip your lid, Jim. Or you will be shunned.

JIM
Because that would be terrible.

OSCAR
But Dwight, the email was sent from you.

NATALIE
Yeah, and you said you would be going to the social security office tomorrow to legally change your name to Dwichael Scrute hyphen Scott.

Jim turns to Natalie and they share a look.

DWIGHT (pauses to reflect for a moment)
Fine. I’ll look into it. As you were, petty imps.

DWIGHT Talking Head:
It would appear that my computer has developed a brain of its own. This doesn’t come as a surprise. This isn’t the first time that this has happened. The computer’s probably still resentful that I regularly outsell him in paper sales every month, and is looking for revenge. Well think of me as The Terminator, and it’s up to me to stop the machines from exterminating the human race. No. I am Neo, the chosen one, and I have two things to my advantage: Telekinesis and superhuman strength. Also, the ability to fly. And guess who’s gonna win? Oop- spoiler alert, Neo does.

JIM (appears in the doorway of the conference room)
Yeah. He also dies in the end.

DWIGHT
No he doesn’t. He achieves true oneness with the matrix.

In the background just outside the window, Natalie is at Dwight’s computer typing away at his keyboard.

JIM
Well, obviously you didn’t see the movie because if you had seen the movie, you would know Neo dies.

DWIGHT
Please. I’ve watched all three matrices a gazillion billion times. Let me guess how many times you’ve seen it, uh, none times. You know nothing. I don’t have time for this, ok Jim? Some other day, I will educate you on the ways of the matrix and the battle of Zion. Right now, I am a busy man. Not only to I have to protect Natalie from drug lords and mafia family ties, but now all of our lives may be in danger. Excuse me.

INT – Office.

Dwight walks back over to his desk where his desktop wallpaper has been changed to a picture of two lions mating.

DWIGHT
Nice move computer. But this battle isn’t over until I say it’s over. Take THAT! (He changes his wallpaper to the original default of Stonehenge.) A-ha! Who's laughing now? (Shakes his head.) Stupid machines. That's why you will never rule the world.

INT – Reception

Jim walks over to Natalie.

NATALIE
Why is Dwight talking to his computer?

JIM
Because he thinks it’s alive and trying to kill him.

NATALIE
Ah. (She grimaces at her screen.) Ooh!

JIM
What?

NATALIE
Oh, nothing. I’m just following the Red Sox, Royals game on MLB.com.

JIM
Red Sox or Royals?

NATALIE
My parents were born and raised in Boston.

JIM
Really?

NATALIE
Yup.

JIM (in a Bostonian accent)
Did you go to Ha-vad? What color is ya car? Where are you pah-ked? (Natalie laughs.)

NATALIE
Um, ova in East Square-er…

JIM
Wow. That was terrible. Seriously, that was the worst Boston accent I’ve ever heard. (Natalie laughs.)

NATALIE
Like I said, my parents are from Boston. I was raised right outside Pittsburgh.

JIM
Really? And you’re not a Pirates fan?

NATALIE
Ha! Please. Now, the Steelers on the other hand…

JIM
You’re a Steelers fan.

NATALIE
Of course.

JIM
See, that’s where you messed up.

NATALIE
What?

JIM
Nothing, just you and I can no longer be friends anymore.

NATALIE
Ohhh… Eagles fan huh?

JIM
Of course!

NATALIE
How many rings has your team won again? And how many rings have the Steelers won? Five is it?

JIM
Big talk coming from someone who couldn’t even win the wildcard from the Jaguars last year.

NATALIE
Really?

JIM
Uh huh.

NATALIE
And who finished last place in their division last year?

Angela clears her throat as she approaches Natalie’s desk.

ANGELA
Your services are needed for the party planning committee in the conference room. It’s not optional. (She walks away.)

NATALIE
Saint Angelina Martin awaits. This should be fun. In my first party planning meeting, she called me a whore.

JIM
What??

NATALIE
I know! She should know, I’m only a whore outside of work, and what I do outside of work should be left outside of the workplace, right?

JIM
Totally.

NATALIE
I’m joking by the way.

JIM (laughs)
Oh. Well that’s disappointing, I was just starting to think more highly of you.

NATALIE
Don’t you have work to do?

JIM
If by work, you mean resuming my online poker game, already in progress, than yes. I do.

NATALIE (shakes her head as she stands from her chair, holding a notebook)
How you’re one of the top salesmen of this company, I’ll never understand.

JIM
Through my infinite wit and charm.

NATALIE
And modesty.

JIM
Hmm.

NATALIE
Well, don’t pull any tricks on Dwight without me. We all know I’m the brains behind this operation, and we don't want you screwing it up.


JIM
I would never. Not without my favorite whore.

Natalie laughs and walks towards the conference room.

INT - Conference room.

Andy, Angela and Phyllis are already sitting at the table as Natalie enters.

ANDY
There you are, my little Julia Caesar salad.

Angela scowls at Natalie as she takes a seat next to Phyllis.

NATALIE
Andy, I didn't know you were on the party planning committee. I mean, I kind of had a feeling that you were...

ANGELA
Were what, Natalie? Are you looking for another word for... happy or carefree? Are you trying to say that you think Andy is flamboyantly happy?

ANDY
Ladies, ladies. Listen, I know that there might be some jealousy that comes from my decision to become Mr. Andrew Bernard. I can't say I didn't expect this to happen since we all know I was the last, best-looking single man in the office, but no fighting over me, ok? I won't have it. Not unless there's mud or jello involved. (He laughs as Angela rolls her eyes.) For now, let's show a little sisterly love, ok? Because when you think about it, you all come from the same 'hood. Sisterhood. (He grins, nodding his head.) Huh?

ANGELA
Can we just get this over with?

ANDY
Ok, now that that's settled, Angela and I have gathered you ladies together to help with preliminary wedding plans. I already have a couple ideas of what we're looking for, and it all starts with an awesome stag party.

ANGELA
No.

ANDY
What?

ANGELA
No, there will be no bachelor or bachelorette parties, just a simple bridal shower and a wedding at Saint Clares.

NATALIE
Maybe you guys should discuss this between yourselves first.

ANGELA
And maybe you should mind your own skanky little business. Phyllis, why aren't you writing any of this down?

PHYLLIS Talking Head:
I understand why Angela is being more unpleasant than usual. If I slept in the same bed as Andy AND Dwight, well I don't think I would be a very happy person either. (She smirks.)

INT - Conference room.

Angela and Andy have left.

PHYLLIS
I apologize for the way Angela's been acting lately.

NATALIE
Is she not usually like this?

PHYLLIS
No, she's always like this, but it's usually not to this extreme.

NATALIE
Oh.

PHYLLIS
Can I tell you something?

NATALIE
Sure.

PHYLLIS
Angela is a baaad girl.

NATALIE
What do you mean?

PHYLLIS
Well, on the night Andy proposed to Angela, I caught Angela and Dwight here in the office. (Whispers.) They were fornicating.

NATALIE (Gasps.)
What?

PHYLLIS
But don't tell anybody, ok? This was just a little secret girl talk between you and me.

NATALIE
Yeah... Ok.

PHYLLIS (smiles)
I love girl talk.

Phyllis leaves as Natalie sits in shock.

INT – Office.

Natalie walks out of the conference room slowly, looking like she’s been traumatized. Jim turns in his chair to face her and looks at her, puzzled.

JIM
Whoa. What happened to you?

NATALIE
I can’t tell you. Code of the treacherous secrets of the corrupt Ya-Ya Sisterhood.

JIM (laughs)
What?

NATALIE (sighs)
Nothing. Just trust me, you don’t even want to know what I just heard. You’ll want to have your ears chopped off.

Michael emerges from his office.

MICHAEL
Jim, can I talk to you in my office for a second?

JIM (to Natalie)
Is it too late to sign up for ear amputation?

NATALIE
And here I thought the floppy-haired pissdemon would be able to take care of himself. (She walks towards her desk.) Good luck.

Dwight is on the floor with a screwdriver, his computer layed out in pieces around him.

INT – Michael’s office.

MICHAEL
Close the door. This is official man business. Men at the square table. Just like the Budweiser commercials.

Jim takes a seat in front of Michael’s desk.

JIM
What’s up, Michael?

MICHAEL
Nothing. Nothing is up. Everything is down. Down in the dumps with all the sewage and the… feces and the… dead animals-

JIM
What’s wrong Michael?

MICHAEL
I need a girlfriend.

JIM Talking Head:
Michael calls me into his office at least three times a day to help with such problems as creating the perfect CD mix tape. Or if telling a joke with an ethnic stereotype is racist. Or what it means when it burns when you pee.

INT – Michael’s office

JIM (sighs)
I thought things with you and Jan were good now.

MICHAEL
Just because she’s living with me, and we’re having sex, and I’m step-fathering her foster child doesn’t mean anything Jim. It’s not exclusive. (Jim shoots a look at the camera.) I just wish there was someone out there for me… Someone who wouldn’t mind throwing back a beer and an Awesome Blossom at Chili’s, or who can fill out a pair of jeans. Or has a decent sized chest. And likes to play hockey. And doesn’t have any emotional baggage. Or actual baggage, like a giant fat belly with some other person’s sperm inside. I mean, I’m not asking for too much, am I?

Holly knocks on the door and opens it.

HOLLY
Hey, Michael.

MICHAEL
Hey, Holly. Holly Berry! Both delicious to eat, and beautiful to look at. Storm. X-men. What’s crackin’?

HOLLY
I’m actually just headed out to lunch. I was just stopping by to see if you might like to join me.

MICHAEL
Oh, well thank you. I would love to.

HOLLY
Great.

MICHAEL
But I’m actually in the middle of an important man talk with my best amigo Jim here. Just shooting the testosterone back and forth. Like Gossip Girl, minus the girls. Boy gossip. Nothing you should pay attention to. Boys only. No girls allowed.

HOLLY
Wow. Do you meet in a treehouse on the weekends, or-

MICHAEL (laughs)
No, but that’s a good idea. We should totally do that.

JIM (shakes his head)
No.

HOLLY
Well maybe some other time, then. (She walks out.)

MICHAEL
Ok. Bye, Holly. (sighs) Now where were we?

JIM
What about Holly? She seems really nice.

MICHAEL
No. She’s just not that into me. I can tell. Hey, what about the new receptionist? She’s pretty hot.

JIM
Yeah, she’s 24 years old.

MICHAEL
Really?

JIM
Yeah.

MICHAEL
And still doesn’t look a day older than 16. Oh well. Too bad. Hey, you know you two are close in age. Maybe you should date her.

JIM
I’m already seeing someone.

MICHAEL
Who?

JIM
Again. Pam.

MICHAEL
Pam left. I fired her.

JIM
She left temporarily to go to school in New York. And we’re still dating.

MICHAEL
Oh. Well then why are you always at reception flirting with the new girl for?

JIM
I’m not and I don’t.

MICHAEL (sighs)
Nothing wrong with keeping your options open, Jim.

JIM Talking Head:
Just for the record so that we’re all on the same page, Natalie and I are just friends. I mean, she’s just really cool to talk to. And it’s nice to have someone normal to talk to in the office now that Pam’s gone. Who I am still dating, and still plan on proposing to. Of course, I would have already done that by now if Andy hadn’t hijacked my original proposal in the first place. I mean, I pretty much spent $200 for someone else’s engagement party. Don’t think I’ll be getting them a wedding gift.

INT – Office.

Jim walks out of Michael’s office to his desk.

NATALIE
Have a good guy talk?

JIM
Yeah.

NATALIE
Oh here, David Wallace called looking for you. (She hands him a piece of paper.) He said that he’ll be making a special visit to our office around 3 today, and would like for you to have your quarterly sales numbers ready for him to review when he gets here.

JIM
Oh. Ok. Thanks.

He walks back to his desk quietly as Natalie eyes him suspiciously.

INT – Office.

Jim walks in from outside.

NATALIE
Hey. While you were at lunch, David Wallace called again. He wants you to gather everything you have on Phil Maguire’s account for his meeting with you today.

JIM
Ok.

NATALIE
Hey. Are you okay?

JIM
Yeah.

NATALIE
Is David Wallace coming to visit you a bad thing? Is he going to make you bend over your desk and spank you with a ruler?

JIM
No. At least I don’t think so.

NATALIE (smiles)
Ok.

Jim walks over to his desk and sees that his desktop wallpaper has been changed to support the Pittsburgh Steelers. He looks over at Natalie who’s just smiling at him.

JIM
How dare you.

He settles in at his desk as Natalie stares at him, admiringly.

Creed walks by Dwight’s desk, eating out of a plastic container, and hands him a paper bag.

DWIGHT
What are you giving me? What is this?

CREED
Stool sample.

DWIGHT
What?

CREED
I believe you sent an electronic mail about it Should be a nice, hefty load for you to analyze in there. Had a bowl of barbequed pork beans for breakfast. Gotta eat a lot of fiber to make the stool soft.

Creed walks away.

DWIGHT
Are you eating my beet salad?

INT – Break room.

Andy is sitting at one of the tables as Jim walks in to get a bottle of water.

JIM
Andy.

ANDY
Tuna.

JIM
I know I’m going to regret this, but… you don’t seem too happy today, Andy.

ANDY
Yeah, well blame it on the funsucker. Sucking all the fun out of my rockin' nupital plans.

JIM
Who’s that?

ANDY
That would be the future Mrs. Andrew Bernard-to-be.

JIM
Ah.

ANDY
I was gonna have a Here Comes Trebel reunion. We were going to bring down the chruch, the steeple, and rock all of the people. As Angela was walking down the aisle, instead of “Here Comes the Bride”, I was going to have them sing, “She’s A Lady”. Tom Jones. And after we’re married, for the processional, a little Marvin Gaye. “Let’s Get It On”.

JIM
Wow. And she said no to that?

ANDY
I know, right? And I have so many more awesome ideas.

JIM
Well, I don’t have much experience when it comes to planning weddings. At least… not yet, anyway. But I know that the important thing is to make sure Angela’s happy. I mean, it’s a pretty important day for her. And I know Angela likes to have things a certain way, but just go with it, man. You love her, right? That’s all that matters.

ANDY
Right, right. Well maybe we can compromise, you know? Maybe she’ll at least give me one song during the ceremony.

JIM
Yeah. Compromise. Good.

ANDY
But if I only get one song, that means I have to make it count. I’m gonna have to sort through the trusty ,old records in the attic, give a couple a spin, see what I can find. Wow. Thanks, Tuna.

JIM
Good luck, Andy.

INT – Reception

Kevin is talking to Natalie.

KEVIN
So. Do you have any big plans for the weekend?

NATALIE
Um, no not really. I just moved here, so... I don't really have any friends around here.

Jim turns to listen to their conversation.

KEVIN
Oh. That must really suck.

NATALIE (smiles)
Not really. I have my dog, so.

KEVIN
That's really, really sad.

NATALIE
Wow. Thank you, Kevin. What are you doing this weekend?

KEVIN
I was thinking of asking out Holly.

NATALIE
Oh, really?

KEVIN
Yeah. I think she has a thing for me. Like this morning, she taught me how to make change for a dollar out of just dimes and nickles.

NATALIE
Wow. That's pretty cool of her.

KEVIN
Yeah.

Kevin smiles and walks back to his desk.

Jim walks behind Natalie’s desk.

JIM
Have you ever google searched your own name before?

NATALIE
Can’t say that I have, no. Unlike you, I actually get paid to work by the hour around here.

JIM
Nice, well I googled yours, and you know what I found Miss Natalie Paladino, besides a very tasteless myspace page with a God-awful Steelers background?

Jim pushes her aside to control the mouse on her computer.

NATALIE
Oh my gosh, you are such a stalker. Seriously, you need help.

JIM
The Wreck. This week’s sports in review by Natalie Paladino.

NATALIE
Oh. My God. (Jim just flashes her a winning smile.) How did you find that?

JIM
Well you know, most people who don’t want to be found on the internet use a fake name. Like some kind of alias.

NATALIE
Like Peppercorn Genoa Salami? Oh my God, I can’t believe you found that.

JIM
You know, it’s actually pretty cool. I read some of what you wrote-

NATALIE
You read it?!

JIM
I’m sorry, do you have a public online blog for people NOT to read?

NATALIE (laughs)
No, it’s just… oh my gosh, I’m so embarrassed.

JIM
Why? “Avery Johnson plans to take the year off to become a self-promoter of his own work. Check for Aspire Higher in bookstores, which won’t help your team win the NBA finals, but will at least tell you how to get there and 'aspire higher' to do better next time?” That's pretty funny. Seriously, you're really good.

NATALIE
Ok well, don’t look at it anymore.

JIM
Well, it's too late for that, I already saved it to my favorites. (Natalie looks at him with her mouth open in shock.) Oh yeah.

NATALIE
Oh gosh, ok well… I majored in journalism, and I’m still not quite sure what path I want to take with my degree.

JIM
Yeah? I majored in communications, too.

NATALIE
Really? That’s working out well for you.

JIM
Yeah.

NATALIE
I guess I can’t say anything. I mean, I got my bachelor’s degree to earn more money, and here I am as a receptionist making a little over ten dollars an hour.

JIM
Well, why aren’t you working somewhere else?

NATALIE
I don’t know where I want to go! I mean, I always wanted to get into sports journalism, but-

JIM
But what?

NATALIE
I don’t know. I mean, I see the women sports broadcasters on, like TNT? They’re so annoying! I was watching the Spurs/Hornets game the other night, and Cheryl Miller is in the stands asking Eva Longoria for Desperate Housewives scoop. During the game!

JIM
Oh my God.

NATALIE
I know, it’s like this isn’t Gossip Filler with Miller hour. If I wanted to learn more about Eva Longoria, I’d watch Entertainment Tonight.

JIM
Well, you should look into it. Seriously, you’re very talented. And I’m not just pulling your leg here. You shouldn't have to settle here as a receptionist.

NATALIE
Yeah, well, it's just for the summer, so... Ugh. What, is Dwight paying you to spy on me? It must be much more lucrative than what you’re making on salary here because I don’t think I’ve seen you make one sales call today. (Jim just smiles at her.) Go back to work. Or go back to not working and finish your poker game.

JIM
It’s solitare, actually.

NATALIE
Whatever. (She smiles, shaking her head as Jim returns to his desk.)

INT – Conference Room.

David Wallace is sitting at the table as Michael pesters him.

MICHAEL
… And the doctor told her, “Every day after you shower, rub your chest and say Scoobie doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies…” So she-

David is looking at Michael in disgust as Jim walks in.

DAVID
Jim! Good to see you, have a seat. If you could just excuse the two of us for a moment, Michael. I’d appreciate it.

MICHAEL
Are you sure? Not like I have anything else better to do, I was just playing some online pool, but if you need me to sit in-

DAVID
Michael-

MICHAEL (to Jim)
I can stay here. Help you answer the tough questions. Tell you what the head honchos are looking for.

DAVID
We’re good, Michael. Thank you.

MICHAEL
Ok. Just say yes to everything they say. They love that.

DAVID
Goodbye Michael.

MICHAEL
Yup. Oh, make sure you come by my office for the punch line. It’s… (laughs) It’s hilarious. Alright, good luck, kiddo. Jim’s always been like a little brother to me, so make sure you treat him with the utmost respect. Treat him like you would treat your mother, or a very, very wrinkled-old lady who can't remember her own name. Alright! I'll be in my office working on my 9-ball game if you need me.

Michael leaves and Jim raises his eyebrows as David laughs.

DAVID
Okay! (sighs) Ok, well Jim, you probably know why I’ve come down here to see you. By now, I’m sure you’ve heard what happened with Ryan Howard. In effect, we have, of course, released him of his duties here at Dunder Mifflin, which means that there is a vacant corporate manager position that we are looking to fill immediately.

JIM
Ok.

DAVID
Jim, I’ve been very fond of you every since I met you. You were a hit in your interview last year, your numbers look great, they’re very consistent, always in the top tier.

JIM
Wow, thank you.

DAVID
The Phil Maguire account was also a huge acquisition for us, and from what I heard about Mr. Maguire, we know he’s not easy to attain, so magnificent job you've done bringing him over from PPC.

JIM
Thanks. Yeah, I risked having him run me over in his $80,000 car, but it was worth it. So-

DAVID (laughs)
Yes, well very good work. I appreciate that you literally put your life on the line for our clients. (They share a laugh.) Anyway, getting to the point here. Jim, we would still love to bring you in to our corporate offices in New York, and the corporate manager position is yours if you are willing to accept it. I know last year you turned us down because you felt like you weren’t ready at the time, which was disheartening to hear because otherwise, I’m certain I would have hired you on the spot. So… 12 months later… what do you say?

JIM
Wow. Thank you, David. I appreciate the offer and thank you for all the nice things you said, I, um… to be honest, I feel like I should have some time to think about it. I should probably talk this over with Pam-

DAVID
Oh, hey, how is Pam? I heard she’s enrolled into Pratt?

JIM
She’s doing really well. She loves it there, she calls me everyday and she’s always so excited and she goes on and on... I’m just really glad she was given the opportunity. She deserves it.

DAVID
That’s great. Well, I understand that you need to think things over, but we are looking to fill the position as soon as we possibly can, so within the next 24-48 hours, get in touch with us and let us know what you decide, alright?

JIM
Alright. Thank you David.

DAVID
Thank you. I look forward to hearing from you.

INT – Office.

Jim's sitting at his desk, and the camera shows that he has Natalie's website pulled up on his screen. He smiles to himself.

INT - Reception

Jim walks over to Natalie’s desk.

JIM
Hey.

NATALIE
Hey.

JIM
Hey, a couple of my friends are going to Poor Richard’s after work to catch the Phillies/Astros game. I know you only bleed Red Sox colors, but you should feel free to come along.

NATALIE
Oh. (She smiles happily.)

JIM
I mean, I know you’re new to the area and you don’t have a lot of friends… (Natalie looks at him quizzically.) It’s just… I overheard your conversation with Kevin earlier.

NATALIE
You should seriously look into this stalking issue of yours.

JIM (laughs)
Actually, my brother Josh is going to be there, and I really think you should meet him. My girlfriend, Pam, thinks you two might really hit it off.

NATALIE
Oh. (A look of disappointment crosses her face, and Jim notices.)

JIM
Pam actually was our receptionist before you got here. Well, technically she still is I guess, she’s going to an art school in New York for the summer so she won’t be there tonight, but she does really want to meet you someday. I mean, anybody who can hold their own against Dwight-

NATALIE
Yeah… um, actually, I sort of thought that I would, um…

JIM
Oh.

NATALIE
I kind of already had my evening planned out already. Walking my dog, going to the gym, catching up on my correspondence… updating my blog. (Jim laughs.) Yeah... you know.

JIM
Sounds action-packed.

NATALIE
Yeah. Thank you for the invite, though.

JIM
Oh yeah, no. Maybe some other time. (He smiles and returns to his desk as Natalie watches him leave in disappointment.)

INT – Michael’s office.

Michael is looking out the window as Natalie walks in.

MICHAEL
What is Dwight doing?

NATALIE
He thinks his computer is alive and trying to kill him.

MICHAEL (sighs)
Idiot.

NATALIE
Here’s Jim’s paperwork.

MICHAEL
Oh thank you.

Natalie turns to leave.

MICHAEL
Hey. Is everything ok?

NATALIE
I’m sorry?

MICHAEL
You look like you might be sad or sick or something. Do you need Pepto Bismol? Gas-X? Imodium AD? Rolaids? Altoids? The whole she-bang? Just don't take them all at once. Rookie mistake.

NATALIE
No, thank you. I’m ok.

MICHAEL
Ok. Well, good job today. Actually, you know what. Go ahead and take the rest of the day off. Get home, enjoy your weekend.

NATALIE
Oh. Thanks.

NATALIE Talking Head:
Today was ok. A little crazy… so… thank goodness Michael let me go home early… because those last fifteen minutes seemed like they were going to be pretty brutal.

EXT – Parking lot.

Natalie exits the building and walks to her car, noticing she has a flat tire.

NATALIE
Aw… dammit.

She puts her stuff inside the car and opens her trunk as a young man walks by.

MAN
Hey, do you need some help?

NATALIE
Oh, no, I got it. I’ve changed plenty of flat tires in my day, but… thank you.

MAN
No way, here let me help you.

He takes the spare tire from her and walks around to survey the damage to the flat.

MAN
Wow, good job. Did you go driving across a bed of nails? You messed this tire up pretty bad.

NATALIE
Are you trying to say that I’m intentionally destructive or are you stereotyping me as a bad driver?

MAN
Intentionally destructive. I mean, you do look the type. I usually have to watch after myself around people your size. Remember Gollum? Lord of the Rings?

NATALIE (laughs)
Oh…

MAN
I’m kidding, I’m kidding.

NATALIE
Picking on the vertically challenged. I don’t know you yet, but that’s pretty low for someone your size.

He gets on his knees to start unscrewing the bolts on her tire.

MAN
Is it? I’m sorry. I have a fairly low self-esteem, so my therapist told me to just pick on those shorter than me to make myself feel better. (Natalie laughs.) I’m Josh, by the way. (He holds out his hand to shake hers.)

NATALIE
Oh, you’re Jim’s brother.

JOSH
I am.

NATALIE
I can see the freakishly tall resemblance.

JOSH
Were you not listening with the whole low self-esteem thing? Gee, thanks for the overwhelming vote of confidence. I appreciate it. Way to make me feel good about myself, excuse me while I go slit my wrists.

NATALIE
Well, can you wait until after you change my tire because I’d hate to dirty up my work outfit. (He looks up at her in shock while she smiles mischievously.)

JOSH
Natalie.

NATALIE
That is my name, yes.

JOSH
My brother was right about you.

NATALIE
In what aspect, exactly?

JOSH
You’re very wittywordy.

NATALIE
What does that mean?

JOSH
You’re very witty, but you talk too much. (Natalie gaps in shocks.) I’m kidding. No, I mean you’re very witty with your words. You’re very funny is all.

NATALIE
So I should go after my true calling in stand-up? Because I always wanted to be the next Roseanne or Ellen, you know, do stand-up comedy for a couple of years, then have my own sitcom named after me. I mean, I know it's very 1992, but I think I could be on the cusp of a huge comeback.

JOSH
What, like "The Natalie Show"? I can see that, it has a nice ring to it.

NATALIE
You look like you're having some trouble, here let me-

JOSH
Oh, you're going to tell the freakishly tall man who worked at an auto repair shop for two summers how to change a flat tire?

NATALIE
Well, you just looked like you were struggling-

JOSH
I change the tire like a sissy little girl, essentially is what you're saying. (Natalie laughs and just smiles at him.) What?

NATALIE
Nothing, it's just... you remind me a lot of your brother.

JOSH
Yeah, well. I'm taller. (Natalie laughs.)

INT – Break room of the office

Jim is sitting at one of the tables on his cell phone.

PAM (on the phone)
So Michael called me today.

JIM
Yeah?

PAM
I remember the words sex.

JIM
Yikes.

PAM
And penis.

JIM (makes a face of disgust)
Ugh!

PAM
I don’t remember very much of our conversation, actually. I’m sure it was highly intellectual and thought-provoking, but I kind of tuned out when he started comparing his and Jan’s sex life to a late night Skinemax special.

JIM
Wow.

PAM
Yeah. I had to change Michael’s name in my phone book to “The Terror”. So that I know not to answer when he calls.

JIM
At least you get a three-month reprieve from having him call you into his office to use as his own personal Dr. Ruth.

PAM
I guess I have to choose my battles. (They laugh.) So how was your meeting with Wallace?

JIM
Good… good.

PAM
Yeah?

JIM
Yeah… He, uh… he offered me Ryan’s old job in New York.

PAM
What did you say?

JIM
I told him I had to think about it. Talk about it with you first.

PAM
Oh… Well, what do you think about it? (Jim sighs.)

JIM TALKING HEAD
Well. Jan’s living with Michael. And Ryan is in jail, where he probably lives with a cellmate who weighs about 900 pounds and prefers to be called Daisy. So I think we all know that no good can happen to anyone in a corporate manager position. Besides, I promised myself that this was just a small, trivial out-of-college job, and that this would not become my career. Seven years ago.

INT – Office.

Holly is walking towards the front of the office, apparently on her way out. Kevin hesitates by his desk for a moment and hurries over towards reception to catch Holly before she leaves.

KEVIN
Hi.

HOLLY
Oh, hi Kevin. Are you going home now?

KEVIN
Yup.

HOLLY
Do you need help working the elevator?

KEVIN
No. I think I can do it. I use it pretty much everyday.

HOLLY
Ok, well just remember to press the down button to go downstairs, and when you walk into the elevator, hit the button that has the number 1 on it. That will take you down to the first floor. Can you remember that?

KEVIN
Yeah. Thanks.

HOLLY
You’re welcome, Kevin.

KEVIN
Hey, Holly-

Kevin is interrupted by Dwight, who takes a mace (basically a club with spikes) and literally slams the motherboard of his computer with it repeatedly while screaming. He finally calms down moments later, the motherboard in pieces at his feet.

DWIGHT (looks at Kevin and Holly who stare at him in shock)
You're welcome.