It's a Monday morning.  Jim Halpert walks into the office, dejected.  And bearded.  He pulls a bottle of vodka from his desk drawer and takes a swig.

~
Jim:  Yeah, so I didn't get to propose to Pam because Andy proposed to Angela at that exact second.  So of course, my chance was blown because Pam had to leave to go to art school right away.  Like literally two minutes later.  And she went to New York and must have been mad at me, because when I didn't hear from her for three weeks I drove up there to surprise her, and I found her in bed with some guy named Paolo that works as a nude model at her school.  So after that, I became an alcoholic.  (He raises a flask and toasts the camera).
~

A few minutes later Dwight walks in and lays his briefcase on his desk.

"Good morning, Jim," he says pleasantly.  "Enjoying your breakfast?"

Jim burps in return and takes another gulp before he goes back to playing solitaire.

~
Dwight:  Things are going well for me these days.  Why do you ask?
~

He glances over at Angela, who returns his gaze with a lascivious smile.  Andy approaches her desk with a bright grin and says, "Good morning, my sweet.  I trust you had a great time at your Bible study group last night and again this morning?"

Angela nods and says, "Of course, dear."

Andy hands her a piece of paper.  "Here is my expense report for the month.  I attached Phyllis's too.  Shame about that."

"Yes, a true shame."  She steals another look at Dwight, who is fighting a small smile.

~
Angela:  Phyllis?  Oh, she had, um, an accident.  She's been in a coma for weeks now.  Never knew what hit her.  Poor thing.
~

After Andy walks back to his desk, stepping over Jim, who has passed out on the floor, Dwight goes over to Angela and says, "Angela, I have a question about some... forms.  In the supply closet."  She nods with understanding, and follows him back to the newly discovered supply closet behind the conference room.  They both walk by the unaware Andy, who is singing an a cappella version of Rocket Man to himself.

Michael emerges from his office, looks at the reception desk littered with paper as the phone rings, and sighs, "I knew I should have hired a replacement for Pam."

~
Michael:  Oh, Jan?  She's great.  Feeling good.  Getting big.  Really big.  Uncomfortably big, actually.  But it's all good.  I am totally okay with it being the baby of some anonymous sperm donor.  (beat)  What?
~

Michael kicks Jim in the head.  "Wake up, Jimboree." 

"Huh?  Oh, sorry."  Jim hoists himself back into the chair. 

"Still bummed about....?"

"Pam."

"Oh yeah, Pam.  Hey, do you have any advice?"

"Advice for how to have your heart ripped out and spat upon?"

"No, about having an ex-girlfriend show up with a baby."

Jim stares at him.  Michael stares back.

"What are you talking about?"

"Oh, um, forget I said anything."  Michael heads back to his office.

~
Michael:  Oops, I guess I forgot to give Jim that memo that was accidentally sent to me about Karen's maternity leave.
~

Dwight and Angela are having sex in the supply closet.

"Oh D!"

"Oh Monkey!"

"This can't go on!  He may find out!"

"Let him!  Then the world will know of our love!"

"Shhh... someone's coming!"

Stanley opens the door to the supply closet, looks at Dwight and Angela, mumbles, "Mmm-hmmm," grabs a box of pens, and moseys back to his desk.

Dwight and Angela exchange a look. 

-----

The next morning...

~
Michael:  I can't believe Stanley's in a coma too!  Geez, they're dropping like flies around here.  Maybe I should have had the building checked for radon.
~

A guy in his late teens walks into the office.  "Hi, I'm here from the temp agency for the receptionist position," he says to Jim, who is drinking something directly out of the spout of a teal-colored teapot.  Jim hiccups and yells, "Michael, yer temp's here."

Michael hurries out and greets the temp, who is unnaturally gorgeous and is named Tiger.   He shows Tiger the reception area and tells him to make himself at home.  Tiger raises an eyebrow to the camera and says, "Oh, I will."

Meanwhile, in prison, Ryan Howard is being given back his possessions in preparation for his early release. 

~
Ryan:  If it's the last thing I do, I will make sure Jim Halpert gets what's coming to him.  (He laughs in a somewhat maniacal way but his breath hitches and he starts to cough instead).
~

Andy is talking to Jim in the kitchen.  "Dude, no offense, but you reek and you really need to shave."

Jim starts to cry.  "Why?  My life just isn't worth living anymore!"

Andy looks around uncomfortably as Jim embraces him and sobs into his shoulder.

Kelly opens the door to the kitchen and rolls her eyes.

~
Kelly:  Jim is like such a girl.  I can totally see why Pam was screwing around on him.  Whatever.
~

A dark shadowy figure appears in the parking lot.  The person's face is hidden as he or she manages to affix a note to the windshield of Jim's silver SAAB before disappearing into the shadows of the Scranton Business Park. 

The staff is leaving for the day.  Dwight offers to give Angela a ride to her Bible study group.  Andy happily accepts and waves them goodbye.  Jim staggers out wielding a bottle of red wine and goes to get into his car, but stops short when he sees the note.  He picks it up and studies it, and then a look of shock crosses his face.


Next time, on Days Of The Office...

Will Ryan follow through on his evil plans?

Will Dwight and Angela ever get caught?

Will Jim find out who left him the note?  And more importantly, will we learn what it said exactly?  Or will the mystery be dragged on and on for many more episodes?

Dwight and Angela are standing in the kitchen, not making eye contact. Angela whispers, "I'm late."

"Late for what?"

She looks around and glares at him.

"Oh."

"He'll know. He thinks I'm..." - she looks around to make sure no one is looking - "a virgin."

Dwight smiles. "Well, maybe we should just forget the whole thing..."

"No! I have to marry him. Otherwise we'll never get that money!" She turns and storms out of the kitchen.

~
Andy: Yes, I got a gigantic inheritance after my parents were killed in that ferris wheel accident. Why do you ask?
~

Jim's beard has gotten bigger. He is frantically looking at something on the internet while drinking from a large brandy glass at his desk.

~
Jim: I can't tell you why, but I think things may not have been what they seemed when I walked in on Pam and her Latin lover. I have to do some googling to make sure.
~

Michael is sitting at his desk leafing through a Babies R Us catalog. He calls out to Jim. Jim walks into his office and shuts the door.

"What's up?"

"I am not sure what theme we should do the nursery in. I mean, I like this Noah's Ark one but is it too controversial?"

Jim stares at him blankly. "Okay then," he says as he gets up to leave.

"No wait," Michael says. Jim sits back down. "Let me take you to lunch."

"Nah, I'm okay, I just..."

"Oh, it's my treat, my friend. We can go to Hooter's, like olden times!"

Jim sighs. Suddenly there's a knock at the door and Tiger enters. "Michael, there's a call for you from corporate."

"Eh. Okay," he says and dismisses Tiger with a half wave.

Tiger leaves and looks at the camera in a sinister manner. Jim follows him out as Michael picks up his phone.

"Oh Jim," Tiger says. "This came for you while you were passed out in the breakroom earlier." He hands Jim an envelope. Jim turns away from him and anxiously opens it.

A note falls out onto his lap. Attached to it is a yogurt lid. The note says simply, "You have to help her."

Jim grabs his jacket and rushes out of the office.

Meanwhile, Dwight and Angela are in the ladies' room making out. Meredith walks in to use the bathroom but takes one look at them and turns around to leave.

Dwight sighs. "I'll take care of this one."

---

"Meredith too? Do you think it's the asbestos?" Michael is shaking his head as the ambulance pulls away. They are all standing outside in the parking lot.

"Could be," says Dwight with a smirk.

"Where is Jim, anyway? Don't tell me he's in a coma too."

Tiger speaks up. "Jim ran out of here earlier after he got a mysterious note."

"A mysterious note? Really? What did it say?" Michael asks.

Tiger growls, "If I knew that, it wouldn't be mysterious, would it?"

Michael rolls his eyes.

~
Michael: That kid bugs me. And he seems sort of familiar. Anyway, I think I'm going to call the temp agency to replace him. (he pauses) Wait, I don't remember calling the temp agency to hire him to begin with...
~

Meanwhile, Jim reaches Pam's apartment in New York. He rushes in to find her naked in bed with Paolo again.

"Sorry man, can you give us a minute?" he says, trying to catch his breath. Paolo looks indignant but Pam nods so he reluctantly leaves the bedroom.

"I know what's going on here," Jim starts, but Pam interrupts.

"Jim, let me explain..."

"No, you don't get to explain." Suddenly, he whips out a gun and points it at her.

"JIM!"

"Where is she?" Jim demands.

"Who?" Pam whimpers.

"You know who!" he hisses.

A look of recognition passes over Pam's face.

---
Back at the office, everyone (or at least everyone who is left) is back at their desks. Andy looks concerned.

~
Andy: I don't know, it just seems weird. I mean one person falls into a mysterious coma for no apparent reason - that I can understand. But then two more? Something is fah-reaky about this.
~
~
Kelly: Oh my God, if I go into a coma I will be so pissed. There's a new episode of The Hills on that I just can't miss, and my DVR is broken and the cable guy can't come out until next Tuesday. (She sighs) I knew I should have gotten Tivo instead.
~
~
Creed: I was in a coma once. For five weeks. That was some of the best sleep I've ever had. I recommend it.
~

A police officer is talking to Michael in his office.

"I don't know! I mean, we found Phyllis the day after she planned a big party, and I just thought the excitement got to her. And then Stanley, he was just drinking his coffee... and now Meredith."

"Sir, we suspect foul play. Has anyone in this office been acting suspicious lately?"

"No. Well, not really." He hesitates.

"Go on," the cop says.

"Well, Jim Halpert... he's been kind of depressed lately. Grew a big beard and drinks at his desk all day. But he's just heartbroken, that's all. His girl was schlepping some Spanish nude guy."

"Can we speak to this Jim?"

"Ah, well, he ran out of here earlier. Kind of suspiciously... actually..." He trails off.

The cop quickly talks into his radio. "We need to put out an APB..."

~
Michael: Nah, I don't think Jim did this. He's not capable of violence.
~

Paolo lies on the floor, knocked out by one magnificently timed blow to the back of the head with Jim's pistol. Pam is tied to a chair, whimpering.

"Don't do this, Jim!"

"Don't tell me what to do! I don't even know you."

"You're just messed up, with all the drinking you've been doing..." She tries to reason with him but he cuts her off by duct taping her mouth shut, then he gets to work on tying up the unconscious Paolo. When he's done, he pulls up a chair and sits down in front of Pam, looking her in the eye.

"Now, tell me where the real Pam is."

Join us next time when Jim discovers the truth, Michael discovers the registry at Babies R Us, and someone else discovers Dwight and Angela.