INT – Reception

Natalie is typing away at her computer when the phone rings.

NATALIE
Dunder Mifflin, this is Natalie.

JOSH (on the phone):
Thirteen? Really, that’s all you think of me?

NATALIE
I’m sorry?

JOSH
I showed you a pretty good time last night, and yet I only make it to number 13 on your Myspace friends list? I would think that taking you to my nephew’s little league game, and then treating you to dinner AND a movie would automatically guarantee a number two spot, or at least a three. (Natalie laughs.)

NATALIE Talking Head:
Yes, Jim’s brother and I went on a date over the weekend. It went pretty well, considering it was my first date in... 9 months? The last guy I went out with didn’t have a car, so I would have to pick him up on our dates. I drove him to school sometimes. On our third and final date, he hit on one of my best friends and after he apologized, he tried to feel me up. And I still had to drive him home. Where he lived with his mother. Who still did his laundry. And gave him a 10:40 curfew so he could be home in time to help her record Jay Leno. But he was really cute. My friends said he kind of looked like Jude Law…. So… he had that going for him. And he had a pretty killer CD collection. I was able to burn copies of a couple of them before we broke up, so at least the relationship wasn't a complete waste of time.

INT – Reception.

Natalie is still on the phone.

JOSH
Now I know Indiana Jones was no Made of Honor, but we both agreed that if we flipped tails, I got to choose the movie.

NATALIE
Fair enough, but did it really need to be two hours long?

JOSH
Well, I’m sorry I didn’t get you home in time to watch Extreme Makeover, but I actually thought we were having a pretty good time.

NATALIE
Oh, gosh. Well when I get home, I’ll re-evaluate my friends list and we’ll see where you end up.

JOSH
Call you tonight?

NATALIE
Yeah.

JOSH
Alright, shorty. Bye.

NATALIE
Bye.

INT – The office.

Michael and Holly are talking by the copy machine.

HOLLY
So, did you have a good weekend?

MICHAEL
Yup. I did. Rented a couple of movies.

HOLLY
Oh. What did you rent?

MICHAEL
Um, I watched a couple of recent movies actually. I watched Glitter. Have you seen that?

HOLLY
No-

MICHAEL
It’s really good. Mariah Carey is in it. It’s kind of an underground film. What do they call those movies, N.D. films?

HOLLY
Oh, you mean an independent movie? Like an indie film?

MICHAEL
No, I’m pretty sure it’s N.D. I think it stands for “No Dough”. Or “No Dinero”. In espanol. Because these N.D. movies, they don’t usually make a lot of money, because not a lot of people know about them, even though they are really good. You should really watch Glitter. Oh, and I re-re-re-watched Back to the Future. That’s another really good movie. I’ve realized recently not a lot of people know about that one either. (Holly just nods.) And yesterday morning, I made pancakes. Or, I tried to. But the pancake batter didn’t cook very well on my George Foreman grill. So, I was going to eat cereal instead, but I used all the milk to make the pancakes, and I can’t eat cereal without milk, so I went to the store, but on my way there, I drove past a Dunkin Donuts and I thought, “Man, I would kill for a Dunkin Donut right about now.” So I got about two dozen of their chocolate donuts, but when I got back home, I remembered that I still didn’t have any milk, and you can’t eat chocolate donuts without chocolate milk, that’s ridiculous. Impossible. But by then, it was like… noon. Which is way too late to eat breakfast. So, I just went to Subway and got their sandwich of the day. Chicken breast. Ugh. I don’t like their chicken breast sandwiches, those are the worst kind, but it’s only 2.99. You can’t beat a deal like that.

HOLLY
Wow. Sounds like a pretty action-packed weekend.

MICHAEL
Oh, yeah. I guess it was.

In the background, Kevin is glaring at them, shaking his head menacingly.

KEVIN Talking Head:
Michael totally Holly-blocked me. The other day, I asked her out to dinner. I was going to take her to Perkins Restaurant. They serve breakfast all day, and breakfast is very good. But then Michael came out, and Holly invited him along, too. He took us to Chili’s, but Chili’s does not serve breakfast all day. I was very, very upset. (He shakes his head.) I was so going to get laid that night. I even wore my lucky underwear. They’re my fancy boxers. They have a bowtie on the front. Like a tuxedo. Although, I did get a coupon for a free appetizer because they didn't have any more chocolate cake. Hmm. Maybe they are lucky after all.

INT – Michael’s office.

Michael is sitting behind his desk, with his feet propped up, obviously not working when Natalie steps just inside the door.

NATALIE
Michael.

MICHAEL
Yup, What’s happenin’ Knick Nat?

NATALIE
Jan is on the phone for you. Line one.

MICHAEL
Oh, thank you. How’s the baby name search going?

NATALIE
Um… it’s going.

MICHAEL
Well, don’t give me any gay names, like Elton John or Ryan Seacrest or… Oscar. I need something masculine. Something that says, “I’m a man, and I like meat.”

NATALIE (nods)
Ok.

MICHAEL
Something strong that has some weight to it. Like… the name of our first president. George Washington. Or George Michael. That's a good idea, we should give him two first names, so he would be extra cool. Baby so nice we named it twice.

NATALIE
You want to name your baby George Michael?

MICHAEL
Junior. We make my name his name and junior-size it. That way, everyone would know who his real baby daddy is. Think outside the box, Natalie.

Natalie gives the camera an annoyed look and walks out, shutting the door behind her. Michael puts Jan on speakerphone.

MICHAEL
Jan-bam, thank you ma’am. What’s crackin’? Not your egg, I hope. At least, not for another 5 months.

JAN (sighs)
Michael.

MICHAEL
Yes, your royal fatness?

JAN
When you went to the store, I specifically asked you to get me butter pecan ice cream.

MICHAEL
Yeah, but the striped one is better. It’s netropolitan. It has all of the flavors. Taste the rainbow, Jan.

JAN
No, no, Michael, that’s not what I asked you for. I wanted butter pecan ice cream, and now all I have is strawberry and vanilla because someone ate all of the chocolate.

MICHAEL
Well, it’s the only good part, so-

JAN
And I asked you for potato chips, and you bring home pizza flavored Pringles.

MICHAEL
Oh, those are the best.

JAN
They don’t even qualify as real potato chips, Michael.

MICHAEL
You’re right, they’re so much more than that. It’s like if a farmer grew a pizza potato, and then he chopped it up into tiny little pieces shaped like potato chips, it would taste just like that.

JAN
No, Michael, you don’t do anything I ask you to. And then, I wanted to make a panini, but there’s some kind of black goo all over the George Foreman grill, you don’t clean up after yourself, you know, just… just don’t come home, ok? Tell Dwight you will be staying with him for the next couple of days.

MICHAEL
Ugh, Dwight? Come on, his place makes all of my work clothes smell like animal poop. And last time, he made me eat beets. All the time. And you know what? They're disgusting! They taste like somebody soaked a sponge in dog urine, and then used it to clean up vomit. That's how bad it was.

JAN
Then you can stay down the street at that nice little Motel 6, the one by the truck stop. Just don't come back to this house, I don't want to see you here. Probably for the rest of the month.

MICHAEL
But, wait… Jan- (She hangs up.) Ugh. (He looks at the camera and smiles.) It's ok. No reason to panic. I know to you guys, she might sound like the angel of death, but being pregnant… it makes you say a lot of things you don’t mean. The other day, she told me she didn’t want to use my sperm to make a baby because my head is too square, and she didn’t want our baby to look like Spongebob Squarepants, and that’s stupid. Spongebob Squarepants is cute and cuddly. Who wouldn’t want a cute and cuddly baby?

INT – Office.

Michael emerges from his office to make an announcement.

MICHAEL
Dunder Mifflinitas, listen up. I have a Deafcon 20 situation, and I need some immediate assistance. So if the ladies of the office would please meet in the conference room in five minutes. Oh, wait. Pam’s not here. (He turns towards Natalie.) Uh… well, I guess you’ll have to do. Natalie, conference room. Bring something to write on, something to write with. Five minutes.

DWIGHT
What is it? I can help. I can be a lady, Michael.

MICHAEL
Blech, you’re hardly even a man. No, I need my chic posse for this one. I do have an idea for you, though. You’re a farmer. Kind of. Pizza potato. Write that down. I’ll give you the rest of the 411 later. Conference room, ladies. Five minutes.

INT – Conference room.

Michael is sitting at the head of the conference room table. Natalie, Phyllis, Kelly and Angela are sitting around the table. Natalie is immediately to Michael’s right, ready to take notes with a pad of paper and pen. Meredith steps into the conference room.

MICHAEL (to Meredith)
What are you doing in here?

MEREDITH
You said all of the ladies in the office.

MICHAEL
Ugh, no I didn’t say that. I’m drowning in enough estrogen here as it is. And as you can see, thanks to Phyllis, this room is filled to maximum capacity, so…

The camera pans to show several empty chairs around the room.

MEREDITH
Ok.

Meredith walks out and closes the door behind her.

MICHAEL
Yeck. That was close. Ok, so normally I don’t like to ask people for help, but Jan has left me with no choice. You know, normally, I always thought Jan was kind of insane. Like cut-your-willy-off-in-the-middle-of-the-night-type crazy. I mean, the woman’s got a few screws loose, if you know what I mean. The wheel is spinning, but the stupid old dog is dead.

PHYLLIS
You mean the hamster. The hamster is dead.

MICHAEL
No, it’s a dog that dies. I should know, people tell me that joke all the time.

Natalie gives the camera a bewildered look.

PHYLLIS
Like… not the sharpest tool in the shed.

NATALIE
A few sandwiches short of a picnic.

PHYLLIS
The lights are on, but no one’s home .

MICHAEL
Those… none of those are even remotely funny. God, this is why women should never be joke tellers. You just, you always screw it up with your unfunniness.

PHYLLIS
I think Ellen is pretty funny.

MICHAEL
Blech. No, she’s horrible. And she’s a lesbian, so it’s offensive to both guys and girls.

ANGELA
I agree.

PHYLLIS
Maybe you don’t understand her jokes.

MICHAEL
What, dancing? That’s a joke? Please. I should have my own show. You know who I would interview? Teri Hatcher.

NATALIE
Ooh, I heard a good joke. Why was the belt arrested?

PHYLLIS
Why?

NATALIE
For holding up the pants.

PHYLLIS (laughs)
That’s a good one.

NATALIE
It was on the kid’s menu at IHOP.

MICHAEL (groans loudly)
Can we just… go back to focusing on my problem, please? Seriously, leave the good jokes to me, alright? From now on, none of the women in the office are allowed to tell any jokes. You all suck.

PHYLLIS
So, you don’t need our help?

MICHAEL
No, I do. See, women may not be funny, but they are good advice dispensers. Not great, but, eh, kind of helpful. So, I need you to dispense some advice on me. I need help with Jan.

ANGELA
We’re not throwing Jan a party.

MICHAEL
No, not that. Although, we do need to start working on my baby shower bachelor party. I have too many ideas, and nobody to bounce them off of. It's going to blow everybody's tops off. So ladies... you might want to wear your finest undergarmets that day. But... we'll discuss that later. Save it for manana. So, I’ve seen the movie Knocked Up, ok? So I know exactly what it’s like to have a baby. I know that pregnancy makes even the prettiest women act way more annoying than usual, but Jan is just being ridiculous… I think she might be giving birth to pure evil. You know, maybe the sperm egg doesn't belong to that kid at Penn State. Maybe it’s Toby’s. He probably… mixed the chemicals in his little meth lab. Pulled a switch-a-roo on me.

ANGELA
Why would he do that?

MICHAEL
Well, to get back at me for firing him.

PHYLLIS
But Toby quit.

MICHAEL
Really. That’s what he told you? And you believed him? Toby is the devil. And I have done the world a great service by ridding this office of one of the greatest demons that ever lived. And this is how God repays me. By having Jan give birth to a fire monster.

The camera pans over to Angela who is silently shaking her head while scowling at Michael.

ANGELA Talking Head:
Angela isn’t even looking at the camera, she has her head bowed and is quietly mumbling a quick prayer.

Jesus, in Thy name, holiness and heaven…

INT – Conference room.

NATALIE
So, you need our help finding an exorcist.

MICHAEL
Probably. Maybe. After Jan and Toby’s sin baby is born. But for now, I just need to make it better. I need to make Jan happy and not mad at me all the time.

KELLY
When I’m feeling really mad, I go shopping. Like when I broke up with Ryan, I went to Steamtown Mall and I bought this really, really cute pink top with-

MICHAEL (interrupts)
So, does anyone have any ideas?

PHYLLIS
Well, you could cook for her. Or maybe give her a foot massage.

MICHAEL
Yeah, I was thinking something more along the lines of some kind of medicine. Like a pill that controls anger management. They make stuff for that, right?

PHYLLIS
You mean like Zoloft?

NATALIE
You want to drug Jan?

MICHAEL
No, not drug her, just give her something that makes women less angry and annoying. Lots of it.

KELLY
Like Midol?

NATALIE Talking Head:
After Michael insulted all of womankind for about thirty minutes, we finally started generating some really good ideas. Personally, I recommended that he cook a dinner for Jan made entirely of baby food. Because once Jan enters her final trimester, she’ll be eating a lot of baby food, and it’s best to get started early to make an even healthier baby.

INT - Conference room.

MICHAEL
And that really works?

PHYLLIS
Oh yes. Whenever I get angry with Bob Vance, I have him cut my hair. It's very theraputic. And it saves me from having to drive all the way to the beauty salon in Allentown.

MICHAEL
Well, maybe Bob should sit inside a Super Cuts for a couple of hours, because your hair... It kind of looks like a ratty old bird's nest. No offense.

NATALIE
You should surprise Jan, and cut her hair when she's sleeping. So when she wakes up, she'll see her hair, and she won't be mad at you anymore.

MICHAEL
Yeah, ok, write that one down. These are all good ideas. Thank you. Natalie, you have everything written down? You haven’t just been doodling over there have you?

NATALIE
No, I have your list.

MICHAEL
Great, we’ll go over them again before the end of the day. Filter them out for the best ones. For now, you can file them away for safe keeping in my good idea folder.

NATALIE
What's your good idea folder?

MICHAEL (sighs in annoyance)
The manila folder with lots of good ideas in it.

NATALIE (sarcastically)
Oh. That folder.

MICHAEL
Got it? Thank you, ladies. You’re not as useless as Dwight says you all are.

The women start to filter out of the conference room.

MICHAEL
Natalie, can you send Jim to my office please?

NATALIE
Oh, um, he hasn’t shown up yet.

MICHAEL
What? Did he call in sick?

NATALIE
No, I haven’t heard from him.

Dwight, obviously standing outside the door listening to this, storms into the conference room.

DWIGHT
Michael, one of your employees, a Mr. Jim Halpert, is severely tardy. I have already called his cell phone and given him a very lengthy verbal warning. With your permission, I will begin an investigation of his whereabouts.

MICHAEL
Make it happen. I need my bosom buddy here to help me get through this.

DWIGHT
Consider it done. Question. I may have to leave the office for a period of time to check his house for evidence of a kidnapping, possible homicide and/or ransom notes.

MICHAEL
Whatever you need to do, just find him.

DWIGHT
Also… can I fire him?

MICHAEL
No, just go. And when you find him, tell him that I need to talk to him, and that it’s important. He’ll know what that means.

Dwight nods and heads back out into the office.

MICHAEL
But hurry back, because I need to talk to you about my billion dollar pizza potato idea. (looks at the camera)Copyright, Michael Scott. All civil rights reserved.

INT – Reception.

Natalie is on the phone.

NATALIE
Hey Jim, it’s Natalie. I was just calling to give you a heads up and let you know that Michael has officially sent a search team after you. And by search team, I mean Dwight and his army of… well, just Dwight. But I’m pretty sure I saw him run out of the office with a Samurai sword, so your life security has officially been upgraded to threat level orange. So, please call me because now I’m starting to worry. Bye.

Michael steps out of his office.

MICHAEL
Any word from Jim?

Natalie shakes her head no.

MICHAEL
This isn’t good… This is not good. My best man is probably lying dead in a gutter right now, and now my situation has reached Defcon 80, and I have no one to talk to about my problem!

Andy immediately stands and runs over to Michael.

ANDY
Andrew Bernard, second-in-command as best man of Michael Gary Scott, here to service all of your needs. What can I do for you, my friend?

MICHAEL
Ugh. What do you know about women? You’re marrying a lesbian.

ANDY
Au contraire, little Mike. I hold quite the rap sheet with the ladies. I dated a couple back at Cornell, where I went to college. Whenever one of my lady friends broke free from one of their little boy toys, I was always the first one they called for a long, passionate 3 minutes of guilt-free, no holds barred man love. They called me the love doctor.

MICHAEL
Yuck. You’re such a man whore.

ANDY
If that’s what the crazy kids are calling it these days, then I was the best man whore there ever was.

NATALIE
I thought we already helped you with your problem, Michael.

MICHAEL
You did. This is something totally different.

NATALIE
Well, what is it? Maybe we can help you.

MICHAEL
Not unless you happen to swing both ways. Do you know how to pleasure a woman in bed?

Natalie just looks at the camera.

MICHAEL
Didn’t think so. This is where I need a man’s point of view. Specifically Jim’s point of view. Jim has to be a raging ball of fire in bed. How else would he be able to date both Karen AND Pam, two of the only attractive women this office has seen in years? Except for Holly. He was probably sleeping with both of them. Probably at the same time. On the same night. In the same bed. If you catch my drift.

NATALIE
Yeah, we get it.

MICHAEL
In some countries, it is called a ménage a trois.

KEVIN (from the accounting area)
In America, we call it a threesome. (He chuckles as Angela rolls her eyes.)

ANGELA Talking Head:
I think it’s obvious that everybody in this office will burn eternally in hell. Especially Kelly.

INT - Office

ANDY (to Michael)
Why don’t we conversate in your office over a couple of Cola drinks and cheese nips? I’ll hit up the vending machines.

MICHAEL
Lunch bell’s ringing, gotta go.

ANDY
Ok, then I’ll take you out. I know a cool little place right up the-

Michael walks into his office and slams the door in Andy’s face.

ANDY
Fine. His loss. Anyone want to hit up Hooters?

KEVIN (enthusiastically)
YES!!!

ANDY (to Angela)
You coming, pixie dust?

Angela scowls at Andy.

EXT – Jim’s house.

Over Dwight’s talking head, we watch as Dwight seals off Jim’s house with caution tape. He then dusts Jim’s doorknob for fingerprints, peeks into the windows, and gets down on his hands and knees to sniff the driveway and the front lawn.

DWIGHT
So far, no sign of Jim. I have, however, collected several pieces of evidence to aid in my search. Exhibit A. Chinese menu. Could have been placed on the door several hours ago. Or days. Months. Who knows?

As he says this, the camera pans to show a Chinese guy walking around the neighborhood, holding a stack of what we can assume to be Chinese menus as he walks up the pathway to another house.

DWIGHT
That’s all I’ve found so far, but there’s no need to give up hope just yet. Do you think they just allow anyone to be a volunteer sheriff's deputy? They chose me because I have the nose of a bloodhound, ears of a bat, the eyes of a tiger with perfect 20/20 vision, and the legs of the fastest cheetah on the planet. So.

Dwight bends down in the grass where he finds a small pile of dog poop. He immediately picks up the dog poop and stores it in a plastic bag for safe keeping.

DWIGHT
Exhibit B. (He hold up the specimen in the bag.) Looks like it belongs to a Great Dane. Or a... very large poodle.

The Chinese guy walks past Dwight over to a minivan.

DWIGHT
Excuse me, tiny man of Chinese ethnicity.

CHINESE MAN
No no, no Chinese. I am Japanese.

DWIGHT
Oh. Konnichiwa. Watakushi-wa Dwight, desu-

CHINESE JAPANESE MAN
I speak English.

DWIGHT
Ah. Well then. Why didn't you say so? I'm looking for a white adult male, about my height only taller. 28 years of age, scraggly hair, rather pale, large chin, even larger nose, no muscle mass whatsoever. Kind of looks like a stick figure with hair.

JAPANESE MAN
No, I don't see anyone that look like that.

Dwight notices the Chinese menus in his hand.

DWIGHT
Really? Are you sure about that?

JAPANESE MAN
Yes.

DWIGHT
Number one, you say you are Japanese. Fact. This is a Chinese menu for a Chinese restaurant. Fact. You are Chinese and you are lying.

JAPANESE MAN
No, I don't lie.

DWIGHT
Ok. That's strike three. You're coming down to the police station with me for questioning.

JAPANESE MAN
But I have work. I own restaurant, open in two hour.

DWIGHT
Don't worry. If everything goes well, you'll be back to serving egg rolls in no time.

JAPANESE MAN
But I called animal control. They said they got rid of rats-

DWIGHT
Let's go, Luigi. If that is in fact your real name.

Dwight motions for the man to get in his car.

INT – Kitchen of the office.

Angela, Andy are Kevin are sitting at the small table in the kitchen. Obviously, Angela has disapproved of their trip to Hooters as they’re all eating Subway. Andy is looking at Angela with a scowl on his face as he eats his sandwich. Natalie walks in and opens the refridgerator.

NATALIE
Ok. This is the second time someone has taken my lunch. Leftovers from Applebees? It had my name on it?

Everyone at the table shakes their head as Creed walks in.

CREED
Why are you guys eating sandwiches? Didn’t you hear? Applebees catered our lunch today. Had the pasta alfredo bowl. Absolutely scrumptious. There’s still a little left.

Creed pulls the Appleebee’s bag out of the trash can as Natalie stares at him in disbelief.

INT – Michael’s office.

Michael is talking on the phone, but because it’s not on speakerphone we can’t hear the other end of the conversation.

MICHAEL
…And now my best friend is missing, and no one in this office is willing to help me work through all this stupid baby mama drama. I’m thinking I should announce one of those Amber Alert things for Jim. Get those guys on the case. They can plaster his face all over the back of milk cartons, or on those boards that I see at Wal-mart, inside the swinging doors… (beat) Yes, I read the Sex for Dummies book you gave me, but most of it was too difficult to understand. (beat) Yes, I know they have illustrations. (beat) I did! I tried doing that, and Jan just kicked me in between the legs. It didn’t hurt at first, but after like a ten second delay, it felt like someone had taken my balls through a paper shredder, and then I just wasn’t in the mood anymore, but she made me do it anyway, and I didn’t even enjoy it that much. (beat) How do you know about that? (beat) Mom, I told you not to chat with my receptionists on the phone. What else did Natalie tell you? (beat) Mom, I gotta go, I have a call on the other line.

Michael hangs the phone up and switches it over to speakerphone.

MICHAEL
This is Michael Scott.

DAVID WALLACE
Michael, David Wallace.

MICHAEL
Oh, hello Saint David, all hail the almighty Dunder Mifflin God. How’s the weather over in New Yawk, New Yawk? (He smiles at the camera.)

DAVID WALLACE
Listen, as soon as you get a chance, I need you to have Natalie fax over the sales numbers from your branch dating back to the last 12 months. We’re still working to get this whole mess with Ryan cleared up.

MICHAEL
Oh, ok. Is there anything else I can do for you?

DAVID WALLACE
Oh, and have Natalie fax Andrew Bernard’s file over for me if you could, please.

MICHAEL
Oh. Why do you need Andy’s employee file? Is he in trouble or-

DAVID WALLACE
I believe he’s coming in on Wednesday to interview for the corporate manager position.

MICHAEL
Oh.

DAVID WALLACE
I offered the position to Jim, but he called this morning. Turned it down.

MICHAEL
Did he happen to say where he was, like did he say he was stranded on a desert island in… Texas, or somewhere? Kidnapped by online sexual predators?

DAVID WALLACE
No… why?

MICHAEL
Nothing. No reason. I’ll have Natalie get right on that after lunch.

DAVID WALLACE
Thank you Michael.

MICHAEL
Thank you.

EXT – Parking lot.

Natalie is walking towards her car, headed out for lunch. The camera shows two "MISSING" signs taped to the front of the office doors with a tiny picture of Jim, taken from his I.D. badge next to a drawing of a stick figure with shaggy hair. Written underneath is "IF YOU SEE THIS MAN, PLEASE CALL THE POLICE." Natalie slows her walk when she notices Jim’s car at the far end of the parking lot. She walks over and sees that he’s hunched over the steering wheel with his head down. She knocks on the window.

NATALIE
Jim?

----

INT – Kitchen.

Kevin is seated at the small kitchen table across from Phyllis.

KEVIN
So, I’m pretty much thinking that I should make some kind of big, romantic gesture. Like... I could give Holly her own jar of M&Ms. Or let her use my foot bath.

PHYLLIS
Well Kevin, if you really want Holly to notice you, the gesture should be a little bigger than that. Maybe you could buy her flowers or a box of chocolate.

KEVIN
Mmm. If someone gave me a box of chocolates, I would definitely want to nail them. Of course, unless they were given to me by a man. But why would a man give me a box of chocolates? Unless maybe he was gay… (Smiles mischievously and giggles.) Like Oscar.

At that moment, Oscar steps inside the kitchen door.

OSCAR
What are you guys talking about?

KEVIN
Chocolate.

OSCAR
Oh. I thought I heard my name.

KEVIN
We were also talking about gay people.

OSCAR
Ok.

KEVIN
Don’t ever buy me a box of chocolates, Oscar. Even if you really, really want to.

OSCAR
Why would I?

KEVIN
Just don’t do it.

OSCAR
I won’t.

KEVIN
Even if I beg you for it.

PHYLLIS
That’s what she said.

KEVIN (nods approvingly and Oscar smiles.)
Nice…

OSCAR
Yeah. Well, Michael wants us in the conference room right now.

PHYLLIS
But it’s our lunch time. He can’t annoy us on our lunch time, too.

OSCAR
I already asked Holly. Technically he can.

Michael peeks inside the door.

MICHAEL
Why are you still sitting here? I know you two don’t exercise, ever, but you can get some right now by running, or speed walking, whatever you can manage, to the conference room. Let's go, this is serious. This is our most important meeting in the history of all meetings!

Michael dashes out as Phyllis and Kevin throw away the remainder of their lunches.

PHYLLIS
He says that every time.

KEVIN
I don’t know. I kind of want to believe him this time.

INT – Conference room.

Everyone is seated at the table facing Michael, who is standing at the front of the room. Kevin and Phyllis straggle in and take their seats.

MICHAEL
Really? That’s as fast as the two of you can go? Seriously?

STANLEY
What is so damn important that you had to throw my chicken pot pie in the garbage? I didn’t even get to take a bite, it had just finished cooling down.

MICHAEL
Well, whose fault is that, Stanley? Maybe if you didn’t do everything so slowly, we wouldn’t be having this conversation, would we?

STANLEY
Excuse me?

MICHAEL
Nothing, just- listen up everybody! My best friend is missing. You all know and love him as your co-worker, Jim Halpert, but to me, he is so much more than that. I… love that man. That man means more to me than any of you worthless people. And we don’t know where he is. We need to find him.

ANGELA
Maybe he’s sick.

MICHAEL
He would’ve called.

ANGELA
Maybe he’s hung over.

MICHAEL
If there was a party, he would have told me about it. I would have been there as his wingman.

PHYLLIS
Well, I doubt it’s anything serious. Did you try his cell phone?

MICHAEL
Called it over 90 times. Straight to voicemail. This isn't what we need. We need to formulate a plan to find him. For all we know, Jim could be anywhere. Pirates could have kidnapped him from his bed. Just like Peter Pan. He could be on a pirate ship right now, being held captive by Captain Hook.

Everyone starts mumbling a chorus of, “That’s ridiculous” and “That doesn’t make sense.”

ANDY
What would a pirate want from one of us?

MICHAEL
I don’t know Andy, let’s think about it. Maybe their paper shipment didn’t come in on time. Maybe, he went to Long John Silvers and said bad things about their food. Who knows?

Dwight comes running in, out of breath, followed by “Luigi”, the Japanese man from earlier.

DWIGHT
Listen up everybody. I found Jim.

MICHAEL
Where is he? Was he kidnapped? (points to “Luigi”) Is this the guy? Yeah, you look like a serial killer. Where did you take him? I swear if you touched a single brown hair on my best friend’s head-

DWIGHT (still trying to catch his breath)
I saw him, I saw him at the bakery down the street. He was with Natalie.

MICHAEL
With who?

PHYLLIS
Your receptionist.

MICHAEL (in his “crying” voice)
-my God. They kidnapped Pam and Jim!

DWIGHT
No, Jim was with Natalie, I saw them pull into the bakery. They got out of the car, he opened the door for her, and they went inside. I presume to eat lunch.

MICHAEL
Well, what did he say when you saw him? Did you tell him I need to talk to him and that it’s urgent?

DWIGHT
I didn’t talk to him. When I saw them, I drove straight here to come tell you.

MICHAEL (angrily)
Go. Get him, Dwight! God, you’re such an idiot. And who is this guy? Is this his replacement? He doesn’t even look like Jim.

ANDY
He looks like a Super Mario Brother.

DWIGHT
I know. I call him Luigi.

JAPANESE MAN
My name is Sam.

MICHAEL
Just bring Jim back to us, Dwight.

STANLEY (sarcastically)
Yes, please. We miss him so much.

DWIGHT
Michael, if Jim is your best friend, then that would make me your greatest friend, right?

ANDY
Whoa-ho. Get in line, chap. I’m his numero uno friend.

DWIGHT
Michael would never be friends with you. Not in a gazillion billion years. Right Michael?

MICHAEL
You know what Dwight, right now you are not my friend. I asked you to go find Jim, and instead you brought back some imposter with a wig and a fake moustache. Now I want you to bring Jim back here. Can you do that? Can you do that without screwing up? Or are you going to bring back his brother, Yoshi?

ANDY, PHYLLIS, and KEVIN
Mario.

DWIGHT
I will not let you down, Michael.

MICHAEL
Well, you better not or you are fired.

DWIGHT
I love you Michael.

MICHAEL
Yuck. Quit being so gay, Dwight. Just... get out of my face.

Michael walks out of the conference room into his office. Dwight runs out of the conference room and leaves the office, leaving “Luigi” at the front of the room as everyone stares at him, as if they're expecting him to say something.

KEVIN
Are you looking for the Princess?

"Luigi" just looks at him confused.

KEVIN
Because she is not here.

INT - A small booth at a bakery.

Natalie is sitting across from Jim as she pokes at a salad. Jim is sipping a cup of coffee.

NATALIE
So you turned down the job at corporate?

JIM (sighs)
Yeah.

NATALIE
Let me guess. You didn’t accept the promotion because you’re secretly in love with Dwight, and if you left you would miss out on your chance to tell him how you want to have his seven-foot tall, agricultural-loving babies with freakishly large heads?

JIM
Who all wear the same pair of glasses that my father made popular in 1986.

NATALIE (laughs)
Your babies would have some huge foreheads. Dwight’s forehead is definitely a five.

JIM
What? Is this some kind of five-star forehead rating system you’ve come up with it?

NATALIE
No, you take your hand and place it on your forehead. However many fingers cover your forehead, starting with the top of your eyebrows, ending at your hairline. If your bangs weren’t covering yours, you’d probably be leaning close to a five yourself, which means your children would be like a… twelve. (They laugh.) Ok but, seriously, what happened? Tell me what was going through this jacked up thought process of yours when you turned down the job.

JIM
Honestly? I just couldn’t see myself working at a paper company for the rest of my life.

NATALIE
It’s just a step up. Who said it had to be forever?

JIM
I don’t know. This wasn’t supposed to become my career, you know? I drove to work today and… I just couldn’t get myself to physically move and walk into that building. I was just sitting in my car and I realized… how much I absolutely hate that place.

NATALIE
Hate is a pretty strong word, Jim.

JIM
I know, I don’t… hate it. But why am I still there? I got everything I needed out of this job years ago.

NATALIE
And that’s usually a sign that you’re ready to move up… possibly to a corporate position… take on more responsibility…

JIM
I know. I just don’t see how taking that job would make me happy. Living in a big city, working in upper management? That’s not me. That isn’t what I wanted to do with my life.

NATALIE
Well. What do you want to do?

JIM
I don’t know.

NATALIE
Well. You obviously can’t stay here, because David Wallace is ovbiously never going to offer you any kind of promotion ever again.

JIM (laughs)
Yeah.

NATALIE
So unless you want to sell paper and work under Michael Scott for the rest of your life… We need to figure this out.

JIM
Oh, you're going to help me?

NATALIE
Well, before I was a world-renowned secretary of the arts, and before I become the super successful sports blogger sitting before you today… I wanted to be a veterinarian.

JIM
Really?

NATALIE
But then I worked for an animal shelter, and after I was subjected to shoveling poop for an entire summer, I was kind of turned off by the idea, so…

JIM
You decided blogging about animals would be a safer bet.

NATALIE (laughs)
No. I always liked to write, I just wasn’t convinced that I could do it well. But then I took a yearbook class in high school. It was the one class where I didn’t have to do any work, I could just slack off the entire class period, eating Doritos and surfing the internet. And I’ve been in love with journalism ever since. (Jim smiles.) Come on, you had to have some idea of what you wanted to be when you were little.

JIM
Well, when I was a kid, I wanted to be a fighter pilot.

NATALIE
Because of Top Gun?

JIM
Obviously. I made my mom buy me a leather jacket. Sew patches all over the sleeves.

NATALIE
Well at least your mom was there to support your career aspirations. What happened with that? (Jim shrugs.) Crashed and burned, huh Maverick? You know, it’s never too late to give up on your dream. I’m sure Dwight would be more than happy to sign you up for flight classes in his crop duster.

JIM (laughs)
That was a long time ago... When I was in college, I wanted to be a high school English teacher. Maybe… moonlight as the varsity basketball coach on the side... You know.

NATALIE
Well, what’s stopping you?

JIM
It’s not about me. I stayed at this job because of Pam. And… she’s in New York. Achieving her dreams. She’s creating a good thing for herself, and I don’t want to get in the middle of that.

NATALIE
So, you would rather sit on the sidelines as a paper salesman, while Pam follows her heart?

Jim just stares down into his coffee.

NATALIE
Your brother told me you’re planning to propose.

JIM
Yeah… just… haven’t quite gotten the timing right.

NATALIE
Well… I haven’t met Pam, but I’m sure she’s very understanding. And I know that more than anything she wants you to be happy. Part of a being in a relationship is being able to grow together. You shouldn’t keep yourself from going after your own career goals because you’re afraid it will hold her back or get in the way of what she’s accomplishing for herself. You work through these things together, you know?

JIM
Yeah… Speaking of my brother… How was your date?

Natalie tries to keep herself from showing any feelings about it, but she can’t stop grinning from ear to ear.

NATALIE
Um… it was alright.

JIM
Really? Just alright?

NATALIE
Well he didn’t flirt with any thirteen-year-old girls at your nephew’s little league game, and he owns his own car so I can’t complain.

Jim laughs.

JIM
Hey… thanks-

NATALIE
Oh, yeah. Don’t worry about it.

JIM
We might find ourselves having a couple more lunches together, since you’re probably going to become my sister-in-law soon.

NATALIE (shakes her head)
Shut up.

EXT – Parking lot of the bakery

Jim is opening the passenger door for Natalie as he calls the office from his cell phone. We hear “Luigi’s” voice on the line.

“LUIGI”
Uh… yes, this is Sam. May I help you?

Jim pulls his cell phone away from his ear and stares at it in wonderment before bringing it back to his ear.

JIM
Michael?

INT – Annex of the office.

Holly walks up to her desk and notices a Crunch bar sitting on top of her paperwork. She picks up a sticky note that was sitting beside it that reads, “From your secret admirerer.” (Yes, spelled that way.) Holly softly smiles.

HOLLY
That’s so sweet.

She picks up the candy bar, but finds that there isn’t a candy bar inside. Someone has obviously eaten it, and simply put the foil and the wrapper back as if it were never touched. The camera pans over to the break room where Kevin is munching on a piece of chocolate with a look of satisfaction on his face.

EXT – Jim’s car.

Jim is driving with Natalie in the passenger seat as the “lipstick” camera focuses in on the two from the front of the car.

NATALIE
Were you able to get ahold of Michael?

JIM
No. When I called the office, an Asian guy answered the phone and offered me Hot and Sour soup.

NATALIE (laughs)
What? Oh my gosh… Well, Michael was very worried about you. For all we know, the office could be turned into the set of CSI: Scranton when we get back. He wanted me to call 911 and ask if they could send their best police dogs to track your scent.

JIM
Well what did you do?

NATALIE
He stood in front of my desk to make sure I called, so I dialed 411 and asked if they had any German Shepards available. The operator just gave me the number for the closest pet store, but I managed to fake a two minute conversation with a deputy sheriff. I told Michael they would send the dogs out as soon as they finished their morning shift at Wilkes-Barre airport and had a quick lunch.

JIM
I’m absolutely certain that everything Michael knows about detective work comes from watching Kindergarten Cop. And Die Hard.

NATALIE
Speaking of detectives, don’t look now but there’s a ratty old red TransAm trying to pull you over.

Jim looks into his rearview mirror. Dwight has planted a red flashing light on top of his car and is following Jim closely.

JIM
Yup. That would be Dwight.

NATALIE
Are you going to pull over?

JIM
Nope. I’d rather continue to lead him on a 45 mile-per-hour slow speed chase. If that’s alright with you, since you’re likely to be considered as an accessory now.

Natalie laughs as we see Dwight stick his head out of his driver’s side window, talking into a megaphone.

DWIGHT
Driver of the silver car. This is your volunteer sheriff deputy telling you to pull over.

Jim continues driving.

DWIGHT
Dammit, Jim. I know you can hear me. Pull over.

INT – Reception.

”Luigi” is sitting in Natalie’s chair when the phone rings. He answers it.

LUIGI
Uh… yes, this is Sam. May I help you? (beat) You need paper, yes we have paper. You come pick up paper? (beat) Delivery? Yes, we deliver, you want daily special? (beat) Uh, sweet and sour pork, shrimp fried rice, and over twenty dollar you pay, we give you a 2 liter coke.

INT – Office, Phyllis’s desk.

Phyllis’s phone rings and she answers it.

PHYLLIS
Hello? (beat) Oh, hi Pam. How is school going? (beat) No, that’s not Michael doing a bad impersonation. There really is a Chinese man answering the phone. (beat) No, Jim hasn’t come in all day. Dwight went out to find him, he said he saw him at a restaurant with Natalie. Should I tell him you called? (beat) Oh. Alright then. Bye Pam.

EXT – Jim’s car.

Jim’s cell phone rings and he glances down to see who’s calling.

JIM
It’s Pam.

NATALIE
Aren’t you going to answer it?

JIM
No… I don’t want to rehash the whole conversation we just had right now. She’ll probably be upset I didn’t take the job.

NATALIE
I’m sure she’ll understand.

JIM
Yeah… I’ll call her later tonight. I just have to figure out the best way to tell her everything.

NATALIE
Coward.

An exterior camera zooms back and we see Jim pulling up to a drive-thru window. Dwight is behind him at the menu board, talking into the speaker to the person taking his order.

DWIGHT
The man ahead of me is a criminal. Do not serve him.

VOICE OVER SPEAKER
I’m sorry, we don’t have that. Would you like to try one of our new chicken wraps?

INT - Michael's Office.

Michael is sitting at his desk, using the computer. The camera moves around the computer to focus on Michael's screen. He's just staring at a picture of Jim taken at a random office Christmas party that has been set as his screensaver. Holly knocks on the door and walks in.

HOLLY
Hey Michael.

MICHAEL
Oh. Hey Holly. What's up?

HOLLY
I just wanted to thank you. For the gift. It was very sweet of you.

MICHAEL
Oh. You got my CD mix tape. It took me a couple of days to finish it, you know U2 just has way too many songs to choose from.

HOLLY
I really liked your CD mix. The first song my favorite. I think it was... "With or Without You."

MICHAEL
Yeah. Well. The first song on a mix tape should always set the theme for the whole CD. So.

HOLLY
Well thank you. And thank you for the chocolate. (Michael looks confused.)From your secret admirer? I figured it was from you. But I think Creed ate it before I could get to it.

MICHAEL
Oh.

HOLLY
You know, tonight I was going to rent a couple of Jodie Foster movies... pop some popcorn... you should come over.

MICHAEL
Are you kidding me? Jodie Foster only makes the best movies. Ever. (Holly smiles.) Yeah. Yeah, that sounds great. I-

He's interrupted by Jan walking into his office.

JAN
Michael. Can I talk to you for a second? (She turns to Holly.) You must be the new HR rep. Michael talks very fondly of you. Uh, Holly, is it? I'm Jan, Michael's girlfriend.

Jan holds out her hand, and Holly just looks at Jan, looks at her baby bump, and over to Michael who looks just as confused as Holly does.

EXT – Office parking lot. Jim and Natalie climb out of Jim’s car as Dwight parks beside them and walks over to them.

DWIGHT
Dammit Jim, when you see an unmarked police car flashing its lights behind you, you are to pull over immediately. You do not proceed to lead them through a car wash and a Wendy’s drive-thru.

JIM
Actually, I called a 911 operator. They couldn’t verify that you were an official police officer, and told me to drive to the nearest and safest public area because it was possible you were a rapist.

DWIGHT
Like I would ever want to rape you. You are not that lucky, and I am not that desperate.

JIM
Well, the real police disagree with you. I gave them your license plate and vehicle description, they should be here in about five minutes.

DWIGHT
Damn you.

DWIGHT Talking Head:
I turned in my volunteer sheriff’s deputy uniform two years ago, but that doesn’t mean that I do not still have the authority of a volunteer sheriff’s deputy. If Batman were to turn in his uniform, would he stop fighting crime for the citizens of Gotham City? No. He would just create another bat suit. Or they would replace him with another actor. If I were Batman, I would be way better than George Clooney. Pssh. Please.

INT – Reception at the office.

"Luigi" is sitting at the receptionist desk and Kevin is leaning over the counter, staring him down.

KEVIN
Can you say, (in bad, high-pitched Italian accent) “I’m-a Luigi!”

“LUIGI”
I am Luigi.

KEVIN
No, like, “I’m-a Luigi!” Like that.

“LUIGI” (in his normal voice)
I’m-a Luigi.

KEVIN
I'm-a Luigi!

"LUIGI" (finally hits the high pitch Kevin is looking for)
I'm-a Luigi.

KEVIN
...Nice.