Chapter 1 

Jim lay in the back of Karen’s SUV reeking of sweat and alcohol.  He had tried to make conversation with her for the first few minutes of the drive, tried to play off exactly how drunk he really was, but as it turned out he really needed to concentrate on not throwing up in the back of her car.  So he lay on his back, his legs folded up uncomfortably against the door, hoping against hope that they would get to his apartment soon.  Or that the slight swaying in the back of her car would help him pass out and maybe he could sleep an entire night through without waking up to nightmares of her.

He had to give it to Andy.  After all the years with Michael Scott, this was officially the first time he had ever left the office completely hammered.  He had to admit that he was glad for the company for a change.  Even if it was Yaeger, and Andy, and the Indigo Girls, for once he wasn’t drinking alone.  And then there was Karen. 

Karen.  He turned her name over in his head trying to get used to two syllables and to a different set of vowels and consonants.  She smiled at him in such a sweet but careful way that sometimes he found himself wondering more about her.  What she was like outside of the office?  What she would look like in normal clothes instead of suits?  Did she ever wear her hair up?  Would she stay in a dead end relationship with a man that never truly loved her?  It never lasted.  His thoughts were always inevitably drawn back to Scranton and Pam.  But he was grateful whenever his mind would allow him to think of Karen, to think of possibility instead of pain.  Even if he was just distracting himself, and he knew it, he could pretend for a minute that his heart wasn’t broken.

“Halpert.”  Her voice was insistent and broke through his drunken haze.  “Halpert…are you passed out in my car?”  She was giggling at him and he tried to make a note to give her a hard time about making fun of the dying.

“Not exactly passed out, just resting my eyes.”  He pinched the bridge of his nose trying to sober up enough to walk up three flights of stairs. 

“Okay.  We’re here.  Do you need help up the stairs?”

“Nope,”  he sat up and started to realize that he hadn’t peaked yet on drunkenness and he really did need to get upstairs before he further humiliated himself.  “I got it.”

He practically fell out of the car and shut the door unsteadily.  Leaning up against her door he ducked his head so he could see her better, “Thanks for the ride.  I would never have made it.”

“No kidding.” 

“Would you mind if I just got my bike tomorrow?”

“No problem.  Anyway, I’d hate for you to get a crazy idea in the middle of the night and drunk peddle to the waffle house or something.”  She laughed and he felt a little better seeing that she could joke with him.  Maybe she could be fun outside of the office.  “Are you sure that you’re ok?”

“Yeah,” he tried to lose himself in her smile for a moment, but all he could really think about were curls and cardigans.  He wished she were here to see that other women liked him so that she would know that she had missed out.  “I’m just gonna go…Night.” 

Karen watched him walk around the back of the car, “Call me if you need anything Halpert.”

He waved at her back window, facing his stairs and pondering on sleeping in the bushes.  He figured that he didn’t want the reputation with his neighbors that he regularly passed out outside so he grabbed the railing and started to climb.  It felt like hours until he managed to open the door and stumble to his couch, falling face first into the cushions.  He just wanted to sleep but his mind wouldn’t let up.  Even pickled in alcohol, he wondered where she was.  He thought about how much he wished that she were with him, that she had been the one to pick him up at work and bring him home.  That she was putting water and aspirin in front of him, telling him to drink. 

He got up and threw a pillow across the room.  He hated being this guy.  He hated crying into his beer.  He hated isolating himself because the heartbreak was too close to the surface, too easy to see, too humiliating.  Any normal guy would have asked Karen out a while ago and then he wouldn’t have to be alone.  He knew easily ten guys that had been dumped in the last year, full on dumped by women they were actually dating, and none of them were sulking like this.  They went out.  They met women – vapid shallow women, but women nonetheless. 

He shuffled into the kitchen and got water, searching the counter for the aspirin he knew he had yesterday.  Finally finding the pill bottle conveniently located next to a water glass from yesterday, he poured out three and filled up the old glass with water, tearing off his tie and putting it on the breakfast bar with all his other ties.    That was the beauty of living alone, no one cared if he left his stuff all over the house, left dishes unwashed in the sink, if the trash were approaching overflow levels.  It just didn’t matter.  The only person who lived here was him, if you could call it really living.

Pulling off his shirt, which he threw over an arm chair, he headed to bed, grateful that tomorrow was Friday.  He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and he checked the clock.  11pm.  He figured it was either his mom wondering if he had made it through another day or it was Mark asking if he had gotten over Pam yet.  Either way, he really didn’t want to deal.  He reluctantly fished his phone out of his pocket and he flipped it open to see a text message from Karen:

He shook his head, smiling as he ran his hand through his hair.  She really was a nice person.  If he had met her three years ago, he probably wouldn’t be in this mess.  Maybe he would take her to lunch tomorrow to thank her for the lift. 

He started to shut the phone as his eyes caught an unexpected name on the text message list: Pam.  He blinked hard and shook his head thinking that the alcohol was making him imagine it.  Or maybe it was an old message, from before.  He sat down on the bed unsteadily and scrolled to her name, hitting select. 

He read it over and over.  He ignored the part about Michael, he would have to deal with that image tomorrow.  Tonight, he only wanted to know about why she wished he were there.  To laugh together about Michael?  To pal around with?  Because she missed him? 

He flopped back on the bed as the room spun around him.  They hadn’t talked since he accidentally called her the other day.  She didn’t call him back and he refused to be so desperate as to keep calling to chat.  At some point he had to save some little part of his dignity.  But it was so nice talking to her and she seemed to really enjoy talking to him too. 

His mind raced wondering if her texting him meant something.  In his impaired state, he decided that while calling was desperate, texting wouldn’t be too pathetic.  But he refused to make small talk: ask about Michael or the office or the weather.  He just wanted to know one thing and thankfully it was short enough that he could text it even as drunk as he was. 

His fingers clumsily typed out one word and hit send before his mind could catch up to his hands. 

 Why?

Chapter 2

Pam had fallen asleep with her phone on the pillow next to her head, anxious to see if Jim would return her text.  It had been hours and so far nothing.  She was trying very hard to ignore the fact that he may have gotten it and decided not to text her back. 

All night, she had wanted to call him, nearly desperate to hear his voice again. Their conversation a few weeks ago had been magical for her, like he was lost to her and then in a minute they had found each other again.  It had ended too soon and she had been biding her time about calling him herself.  After all, he didn’t even give her his number in Stamford.  She hadn’t anticipated that he would leave her and sever all ties when he did it.  It was startling to be so without him and she was anxious to reconnect with him if she could, whatever he would give her.

The failed marriage proposal seemed so perfect a reason to call that she decided maybe it was divine intervention.  Jim would find the whole thing so hysterical. The entire evening, she couldn’t stop thinking about how much more fun she would have had with him.  That was why she texted him that she wished he were there.  After all, maybe Diwali was as good a night as any to tell him that she missed him.

She rolled over to her stomach, staring at the cell, silently praying it would ring.  Finally, she decided she would go crazy if she sat still much longer so she got up to get a drink of water.  She was halfway to the kitchen when she heard the familiar jingle that signaled she had a new text message.  She flew back through her apartment, her socked feet sliding on the hardwood.

Flopping back on the bed, she flung open the phone.  One new message from Jim.  She bit her lip nervously, her legs kicking the side of the bed as she hit select.

Why? 

Her heart turned over in her chest.  What did he mean why?  Why what?  Her brow furrowed as she thought over what she sent him.  Was he asking why Carol said no?  Why Michael was dumb enough to ask her in front of everyone?  Why….she wished he were there? 

She threw the phone to the side and went for that glass of water.  She ran her fingers along the wall, memorizing the coolness beneath her fingers as she walked languidly down the hall to the kitchen.   Lost in thought, she dug through the refrigerator for a bottle of water. 

She wasn’t sure how to answer his question, assuming she even knew what he was asking.  She just missed him.  There was no one reason for it, rather a million little things that weighed on her so much at times she couldn’t breathe.  She missed his companionship and the way he just got her.  She missed the way he made work a better place to be.  She missed the way her pulse would beat ever so slightly faster when he leaned over her counter.  She missed him more and more as she began to realize so many things about their relationship.  Now, that she had left Roy and grown into her own space.  As she found more and more of herself, she missed him all the more. 

It was kind of crazy.  She didn’t know a lot about Jim outside of the office, but she knew enough to love him.  She hadn’t talked to him in months, but in her mind, he was her constant companion.  It was pathetic how lonely she was. She would talk to him, like he was in her apartment.  Like she was showing him her latest sketch or laughing with him about something that happened at work.  It made her feel less alone; it made her miss him less.

How do you explain all that to someone in a text message?

She glanced over her shoulder at the clock on the stove, 11:15.  She tried to remember the universal rule about calling people.  She seemed to remember that you shouldn’t call people after 10, but who were these people and were they really asleep at 10?  Jim was obviously awake enough to text her 15 minutes ago, maybe she could just call him and talk.  Talk like normal people who didn’t break each other’s hearts.

She walked purposefully back to her phone, still lying where she left it on her bed.  She leaned up against the headboard, scrolled to his name. Taking a silent breath and wishing for good things, she pressed send.

The phone rang a few times, almost five times in fact, and she started to panic.  He either didn’t want to talk to her or he was already asleep.  Either way, maybe she shouldn’t be calling after all.  At this point, she would probably get his voicemail and, even though it was cowardly of her, she felt relieved that she could just left a mysterious message instead of facing him.  She was thinking over in her head what she would say when there was a sudden stirring on the line.  It sounded like he had maybe dropped the phone and then he was there, with her in her room.  “Hello?”

His voice was rugged and maybe a little slurred, so different from the voice she was used to, “Hi.  It’s, …it’s Pam.”

There was a silence on the other end of the phone as Jim shut his eyes tight, not sure what was happening exactly.   He had drifted off to an alcohol soaked sleep as thoughts of Karen and Pam swirled in his head in incomprehensible ways.  He had woken to a noise that he was sure was his alarm clock.  Realizing quickly it was his cell, he picked it up, not checking who it was, trying to make the horrendous noise go away.  The sound of her voice was disarming and he wasn’t sure that it was even real.  Well, what’s the harm in talking to your drunken fantasies?

He rolled over and tried to scrub the sleep from his eyes. “Hi.”

“Yeah, it’s me.”  She wasn’t sure why she felt the need to say such a stupid thing, but she realized that she didn’t know where to start.  “Sorry, is it too late?”

“Too late for what?”  Jim struggled to sit up in bed, hoping against hope that she was actually asking about their relationship.

“To call.  It’s just I got your text.  Did I wake you?”

He let out a heavy breath, deflating in every possible way, “No, I’m kind of awake, no worries.” 

Pam studied his voice on the line and the slurring could not be ignored, “Um, have you been drinking?”

“Huh?  Oh yeah, I had a few drinks with people from work.”

“Oh.  Are the people there cool?” 

“They’re okay.  Mostly normal.  Except Andy.  He almost makes me miss Dwight.”  He stopped to chuckle a bit at the concept that he kinda did miss Dwight.  “There is this nice girl, Karen, she brought me home.” 

Some part of him knew it was mean, but he didn’t really care at that moment.  Maybe he could hurt her a little, maybe she could feel like he felt.  Course she’d have to care for it to hurt and he honestly wasn’t sure that she ever cared like he thought she did.

“Well, that sounds fun.”  The words came out with more sarcasm than she wanted.  Karen?  Pam was suddenly swallowed whole by a wave of jealousy.  Who was this Karen person and why was she taking Jim home?

“It was an okay night.  You know how it is…nothing but a barrel of laughs here.”

Pam realized after things ended with Roy that she had secretly been memorizing things about Jim for years.  Like how much taller he was than her exactly, the way he drummed his pencil on his desk, the way he rotated the same few ties in the same order every week, what he smelled like, and most of all the sound of his voice.  Pam sat back against the headboard thinking that the guy she was talking to didn’t sound like Jim.  It was the right voice but the words were all wrong.

“So what’s new Beesly.”  He drug out her name and got a little hung up on the s. 

“Like I said, I got your text…I just wanted to talk a little, I mean…”  she started to panic, she had so much to tell him, but it all sort of cancelled itself out in her head. 

Jim heaved a heavy sigh, “Pam, it’s really late and I’m not really focusing here…”

“I just miss you.”

“Hmmmm?”  Her words had sounded jumbled in his head.

“Jim, I miss you.”

“Well…”  He felt himself draw further inward, away from her, scared of how she had been able to hurt him before and surely could again.  “I’m sure you can pal around with someone else in the office.”

She fumbled over her words, not expecting him to be so cold.  “No, I don’t want that.”

“Okay, what do you want?”  His brain was so soaked in alcohol that even if he wanted to hide his feelings, he couldn’t stop his mouth.  A part of him, the part that would remember bits and pieces tomorrow, was thrilled that for once he said something, that maybe she could give him some answer, something that would calm his mind.

Pam panicked at such a direct question, she wasn’t ready to tell him everything she wanted and certainly she didn’t want to bring this all up when he was so drunk.  It’d be one thing to get up the nerve, it would be another to do it just to have him forget it all the next day.  She got up and started to pace her bedroom. 

“Well, I just…” she faltered, “I just wanted to tell you…that I…,”  she paused so unsure of how to get out of this mess, “I miss you that’s all.”

He had frozen, trying to focus on her words, trying to will her to say something to let him know what she really felt.  Her non-admission didn’t tell him anything and the frustration was too much to bear.  “Well, okay then, sorry ‘bout that.”

“What?”

“Just, sorry you miss me.  But you know I think Toby’s always had a soft spot for you, you could just hang out with him.” 

“Jim.”  She was shocked.  She didn’t expect him to brush her off this way.  So cold.

“I can’t believe you’re this mad at me…”

“Why would I be mad Pam?”  Jim stood up unsteadily, trying to play off a disinterested tone that came off far angrier than he had hoped.  He knew he was being really rude, but maybe this would all turn out to be a bad dream anyway.  In his current state, everything seemed a bit surreal and it felt like reality, fantasy and nightmare were all blending into one.

“Well…you just seem like you’re mad at me.”  She trailed off.  She knew he had reasons to hate her, but she couldn’t believe that he actually did. 

“Hmmm, I dunno know Pam.  Hey, it’s late, so if you don’t have anything meaningful to say…” 

Pam realized that talking like friends who didn’t break each other’s hearts was out of the question.   Her brain struggled to keep up with him, to come up with something equally hurtful to say.  “Seems like you have something to say, Jim”  she said his name coolly, emphasizing every letter icily, “…why don’t you just say it?”

“Like what?”

She felt like screaming.  She was tired of this game they’d been playing.  “Never mind, I don’t want to do this anymore.” 

“Right.  That’s sounds about like good ole Pam Beesly. Duck and cover.”

“What?”

“Its just you aren’t so much for facing up to things.”  He had no ability to stop himself from saying it.  Everything was bleeding together; his sadness, his anger, his desire…he just wanted to scream at her until she felt worse and he felt better.

Something broke inside Pam and everything she had held inside all summer begged to be let out.  “Oh you’re one to talk Jim, did you pack up your desk that night or sneak in over the weekend?” 

“There wasn’t any reason for me to stay – you made that very clear.”

“You didn’t give me a chance.”  She screamed it into the phone, her throat stinging from the strain. 

His voice cracked as he screamed back, his fingers wrapped tightly around his cell phone.  “You had about a million chances.”

“Oh really, like real chances or just ones you made up.”

“What does that mean?”  Jim’s head was starting to hurt and he had to sit before he fell down.

“I mean you always played it down.  Told Michael it was over, told me it was nothing.”  Pam felt tears starting to run down her cheeks.  “I’ve been talking myself out of you for a year, and then you turn my world upside down and leave.  So excuse me for still missing you.  Some of us can’t move on so quickly.”

Jim felt sick and knew that he should just hang up before he did anymore damage.  “Move on?  Seriously?”  His words slurred more and more into one long sentence as the drunkenness started to over take him, “You ripped my heart out and stomped on it.  I wish I could move on.  I wish I could forget that you exist.”  The last word sounded more like a hiss.

She felt her own heart break as his words found her in the dark of her room.  She felt hot tears start to pour down her face and her stomach twisted as she leaned against the wall for support.  She couldn’t even get a good breath.  She thought that maybe this was what dying felt like. 

“Jim…I…don’t want that.”  Her voice cracked as she tried to stop the tears, she didn’t want him to hear her cry.

“No…” He tried to walk off the anger that swelled inside him but it seemed like the floor was tilted.  “You can’t call me all wounded, make me wonder if you still care.  I hear your voice in my head all day like I’m freaking insane.  Keep hearing that ‘I can’t’ over and over.”

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know what to do.”  Pam couldn’t hold back the sobs.  She tried to choke them back but that made her throat and chest tighten up in bitter pain.  She reached for the Kleenex by her bed and tried to muffle the sound. 

“Well,”  he flopped back on the bed, taking a deep mournful breath, “you destroyed me.”

“I didn’t mean to.”

Not once, in all the years she'd known him, had she ever heard Jim say so much about what he felt.  She knew he wouldn’t be saying this now if it weren’t for the alcohol.  He seemed to have spent what little energy he had because he become more and more garbled on the phone.    She could hear the sheets rustle and he seemed to be farther and farther away.  She could barely make out the last words he said before passing out. “I miss you too.”

Chapter 3 

The alarm went off at 7am, but Pam was already awake.  Actually that wasn’t quite true; she hadn’t slept at all trying to push her late night conversation with Jim out of her mind.   She simply couldn’t shake the sound of his voice, so alone and so broken.  She hit the alarm clock a little more forcefully then necessary and went to get in the shower. 

As the warm water poured over her, she started to cry again.  Her chest was actually sore from all the crying last night, but she couldn’t help it.  It hadn’t really occurred to her that Jim would be hurting so badly.  He had disappeared, literally vanished from her life. She had assumed that he was mad and moving on, but she really didn’t think that anyone would love her so much that they would still be hurting all these months later.  Especially Jim.  She knew he could have a million girls; it was absolutely jarring to think she had caused him so much pain.

But more than that, she knew as soon as she said “I can’t” that she loved him.  She knew it perhaps all along, but didn’t allow herself to consider it.  Since he had left, he had become this almost mythical person for her, her fairy tale knight in shining armor, but hearing him last night made her realize that he was very real and hurting.  It was almost like she was seeing him for the first time without all the games they used to play to hide from each other.  She just wanted to wrap him up in her arms and piece him back together.  And never let him go.

***

Jim woke up on his bathroom floor, his cheek pressed against the cool tile, the blanket from his bed over his legs.  He sat up and quickly realized that slow and easy was the best plan as he eased himself back against the wall.  When the room stopped spinning, he got up and splashed his face with cool water.  His neck and ears burned with sudden nausea and a pounding dizzying headache.  He choked down advil and water and stumbled back to bed, relieved that it was barely dawn and he could get a few more hours of sleep before needing to get to work.  Normally he would call in, but being new, he felt awkward about doing so, especially since the whole office would know he was hung over.

As he rolled to his stomach to try to get more comfortable, his eyes fell on the cell phone on the floor.  He reached out to grab it, to turn the ringer down just in case.  He flipped the phone open and scrolled through the menu to settings, set it to silent, and began to flip it shut.  He decided at the last minute to text Karen to tell her he may be a few minutes late.  Scrolling through the texts to find hers from the night before, his eyes caught Pam’s name.  He shut his eyes tight, his brain trying to tell him something about Pam and the night before, but it was mostly a blur.  He shook his head to clear the cobwebs and focus on texting Karen.  Surely, if something important happened last night, he would remember when he woke up.

***

Pam got into the office early, fixed tea in the break room, and settled into her desk.  She kept replaying the conversation in her mind.  This time it was his voice that echoed over and over in her head, so angry, so broken.  She clicked to exit her Sudoko puzzle and wandered to the ladies room. 

Relieved that she was alone, she leaned on the counter and looked up at the mirror on the wall.  Her features seemed drawn, furrowed, anxious.  Frankly, she looked five years older than she did yesterday.  Was this what true love did to you?  Why didn’t anyone ever sing about that?  Losing the love of your life and looking like your 60 year old Aunt Lila in the process?

She turned away and leaned against the wall feeling suddenly claustrophobic under the florescent lights.  He was right.  About all of it.  Her inclination was to run from everything, from him.  She looked at herself again.  Was this who she wanted to be?  A receptionist who literally hid from the world in the bathroom?  She squinted at her reflection, sizing herself up, looking for what Jim saw in her.  A sudden wave of nervousness spread through her as she realized that she could not let this chance pass her by.  She straightened up, pulled her hair into and ponytail and headed back out to her desk, resolved that she would not let him have the last word.  For once, she was going to fight for what she wanted.

Pam waited until ten to call the Stamford office.  “Dunder Mifflin, this is Donna.”

“Hi, Donna, this is Pam at Dunder Mifflin Scranton, may I speak to Jim Halpert please?”

“You can try, but he’s a little out of it today.”

Pam giggled a bit at the idea of him hungover at his desk.  She heard a familiar click as she was put on hold and apparently transferred.  She drummed her pencil on her desk waiting for Jim to pick up, rehearsing what she planned to say.  She heard another click and then a familiar voice.  This one wasn’t mired in alcohol and the sound was soothing instead of jarring, “Jim Halpert, how may I help you?”

“Jim?”  She took a breath, “It’s Pam.”

The pause on the other end seemed to last forever, “Yeah, hi.”

“I wanted to be sure you weren’t in a coma or something.”

Jim massaged his forehead to soothe his pounding headache, “I should be so lucky.”

“That bad?”

“Not good Beesly.  Not good.”  He laughed.  It was short and half hearted, but Pam decided it was still a laugh and that was a start. 

“Okay, I know you’re at work, and you’re hung over, but we need to talk about last night.”  Pam was surprised at herself, actually getting all that out and whispering it quietly enough that she felt sure no one heard her clearly, except for Jim.

“Um, yeah, I can’t really do that here.”

“I know.  I just figured you might not hang up on me at work.”

“Devious plan.”

“Is it working?”

Jim smirked, “Well, I don’t seem to be hanging up.”

Pam dipped her head down below her counter to hide the smile that began to spread across her face.  “Good. So will you call me tonight sometime?”

“Pam….”  Jim’s voice wavered with uncertainty.  He wasn’t sure that he really wanted to have an emotional talk with her after all these months.  The last one nearly killed him.  If the next one went badly, he would never recover. 

“Please?”

He turned to gaze out over the water, unsure of what to say.  Ultimately, the chance that she may love him back was worth the risk. 

“Okay.”

Disclaimer:  I do not own the Office, or these characters.  I do not intend to profit from this posting.  No copyright infringement intended. 

Chapter 4

Jim left work a few minutes early, his head still pounding around the edges from the hangover.  He went for a run as soon as he got home, hoping to clear his mind.  He wasn’t sure what she wanted to talk about tonight, but he couldn’t help but hope that this meant something.  The trouble was that he couldn’t remember anything about the night before.  Nothing.  Just a sea of mixed up words, and dizziness, and nausea, and blackness.  As he ran, he tried to unjumble the words, but he couldn’t find the thread to start untangling the mess in his memory.  He got in the shower as confused as ever, letting the warm water soothe his tired muscles.

After getting dressed in his comfiest sweatpants and his favorite Death Cab t-shirt, Jim started to pace his apartment, trying to work up the nerve to call Pam.  It was nearly nine and he knew he had to call her soon.  He was slowly beginning to remember that they fought last night, and although he had a pretty good idea what it was about, he couldn’t be sure.  He was worried about what he did say to her, what he admitted.  Considering how drunk he was, he really couldn’t be held accountable for what he said.  After all, he woke up this morning on the bathroom floor.  Frankly, he was thankful he didn’t puke on the carpet in his bedroom.

He played with his cell phone watching as the minutes ticked past, his heart rate increasing with each minute, echoes of tears and screaming ringing in his ears.  At nine thirty, he dialed her number without thinking and nervously listened to it ring, willing himself not to hang up before she could answer.

“Hello?”

“Hey, its Jim.”

“I was beginning to think you were going to stand me up.”

“No, no just had some things to do tonight.”  He flinched, he hated lying to her.  But he was good at it, he had lots of practice.

“Oh, well, I just wanted to try talking when you weren’t incoherent.”

“Yeah, speaking of that, I don’t really know what happened last night.  But I think that I should probably apologize.”

“What for?”

“Did I yell at you?”

She smiled at the sound of his voice, tender and concerned, “There was yelling.” 

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to…do that.”

“I think we needed to do that.”  She emphasized the words, like she couldn’t bear to mention their fight in more concrete terms. 

 “I’ve never fought with you before.”

Pam reached for the pillow on her couch, pulling it tightly in a bear hug, “Yes you have.”

Jim settled into his couch, propping his feet on the coffee table in front of him, “When?”

“Remember?  You were mad about the internship?”

He nodded and then cleared his throat, which had suddenly become congested, “I was mad about Roy.”  Jim felt relief wash over him as he realized there truly was nothing left to hide.   

“No kidding.”  She said it sarcastically. 

He smiled at the familiar tone in her voice; he had missed talking with her like this.  “Well, yeah.  What can I say, my secret’s out.”  He had to roll his eyes at his own double meaning.

“Yep.”  She fidgeted with the hem of her tank top feeling suddenly self-conscious.  “So…”

She could hear him shifting on the other side of the phone and wished that he would say something, anything.  She cleared her throat, “I guess I don’t know where to start.”

“Well…”  He ran his fingers through his hair, searching for something to say that sounded right.  When nothing came, he grabbed for the first thought in his mind, “What did you call about last night?”

For no apparent reason, Pam felt like laughing at his statement, like all the drama of the last day had melted away into one big do over.  She let out a little giggle.

“What’s so funny?  Short term memory loss is no laughing matter Beesly.”

“I’m sorry, but I’ve been thinking about what you said last night all day and it’s somehow very funny that you don’t remember it.”

He picked up a water bottle that he had finished before calling and began to tear the label, “Funny ha ha or funny sad and deeply disturbing.”

She paused to consider, realizing how without noticing they had almost broken through the awkwardness, “It’s a toss up.”  She pulled a blanket over her feet.  “I called to tell you that I missed you.  And to tell you that Michael proposed to Carol.”  It was a deflection and she knew it, but she’d let him pick what he wanted to start with.

Out of habit Jim went for the easiest topic, “Did she totally freak?”

“You could say that…I think they broke up.”

“Poor Michael.  I can’t believe he did that.”  He shook his head sadly, wishing that Michael was a little less, Michael. 

“He was pretty pathetic, especially when he tried to kiss me.”

Jim snapped to attention, “What?  You totally skipped that part.”

“I’m trying to block it out.”

“Yikes.  I can see why.  That’s horrifying.”

“Tell me about it.  Anyway, I think he just needed someone and I was sitting there.”

“Oh yeah, I’m sure if you were Stanley he would have done the exact same thing.”  Pam laughed out loud, feeling for a moment like she had him back, just the way they used to be.  Jim relaxed back on the couch, enjoying their usual banter, so comforting, so familiar.  Sadly, he knew it couldn’t stay this way, so he took a deep breath and pushed them back into unfamiliar territory.  “So, you miss me?”

A shy smile spread across her face, now they were getting somewhere.  “Yes, Halpert, I miss having you around, especially on nights like last night.”

He pinched the bridge of his nose, “I think I asked you why that was.”

“Do you really have to ask?”

Something in the way she said it made him angry, almost like she was toying with him.  He steadied his voice, not wanting to fight with her again.  “Yeah, I do.”

“You’re my…”

“…best friend, I know.”  He sighed, right back to same place they started months ago.  He halfheartedly threw the empty plastic bottle across the room.

The silence began to spread out between them until it almost had a voice of its own.  Pam stood up to look out the sliding glass window that over looked a small courtyard below.  She could feel him slipping away again; she had to give him more. 

“Um, you know how you said, okay actually you don’t remember it, but anyway…”  she got flustered for a moment and stopped, taking a moment to study her own reflection hoping she could give herself courage.  “You said that you hear me in your head all day saying that I can’t.”

Jim leaned forward to study the floor feeling so vulnerable to her that he couldn’t breathe, “Did I?”  He paused, but started again in a whisper, “I guess, yeah sometimes.”

She winced at the distance in his voice, “I wish I could say I was haunted by one moment, but it’s not like that for me.  When you… left,” Pam paused, still feeling the pain from the day that Jim didn’t come back to the office, “I started thinking over everything.”

“Okay…”  Jim stayed still, afraid to startle her with any actual words, afraid she would stop talking. 

“Well anyway, I realized that I should have known.  I should have seen it in your eyes.  Maybe deep down I did.  I think about that a lot, why I didn’t realize it sooner.” 

Jim opened his mouth to say something but he was shocked.  He had wished so many times that he could just ask her about it, that she would tell him how they got to this point.  Now, she was talking and he couldn’t think of a thing to say.

“Anyway, I called last night to tell you that I miss you.    To explain that I hate that we don’t talk and that I can’t see you everyday.”

“Because we’re best friends.”

Pam shook her head sternly to her own reflection, silently preparing herself for a confession of her own. 

“Because you were right.”

Jim stood up and started to walk aimlessly around his apartment, “Right about what?”

“It was wrong of me to say you misinterpreted things.  But you scared me and honestly I didn’t know what to do.  And then you left.”

“I had to leave.  I had to.”  He paused, desperate to lighten the moment, “Have we had this conversation before?” 

He was relieved to hear her giggle, “Yes.  We have.”

He flopped back on the bed, “Felt like it.”  Like a pinprick to the back of his mind he remembered something she had said the night before.  “What did you mean when you said you talked yourself out of me?”

“I thought you didn’t remember anything.”

“I remember pieces.”

“I realized a long time ago that I had feelings for you.  A really long time ago.”  She paused to let the words sink in, thinking of stolen glances and pregnant pauses.

“Really?”  

“Yeah.”  She felt tremendous relief with each word, like she was slowly shedding a burden she’d carried for too long.  She wondered if this was what it felt like for him when he’d confessed.  “There were times when I wanted you to make a move, especially before Roy set the date.  But then you didn’t…and he did….”

Jim sat in silence, just listening to her ramble thinking of all the nights he wanted to kiss her, to tell her about his feelings, to hold her close. 

“Anyway, I was confused, but then you said you didn’t have a crush on me anymore…you know, that day when Michael outed you?”

He sighed, feeling the same fear as the day that they had that very discussion, “Yeah, I panicked that day.”

“Well, after that, I convinced myself that I had made it all up, that it was cold feet with Roy.  But you have no idea how much that hurt.  I felt like a silly girl with a silly crush.”

“I wish I had known.”

“Anyway, I knew you didn’t misinterpret things, I’m sorry I said that you did.  I didn’t mean to hurt you, you have to believe that.”  She took a few heavy breaths, trying to pull herself back together.  The last few moments had taken more strength that she thought it would and she felt exhausted.  “So…”

“So…where to from here?”

“I guess that depends.”  She settled back on her couch, tapping her finger on the pillow next to her.  “Where do you want to go from here?”

 “What are my options?”

She smiled into the phone.  They were so good at this dance, back and forth, closer together and farther apart, a dizzying and tentative waltz in circles.  With each loop they got closer and closer to each other.  She didn’t know whether he was ready to stop dancing, but she was more than ready.  “Is it too late for us?  To be more than friends?”  She added wanting to be sure he understood her.

He let the words sink in, feeling their meaning in his soul, “No, …not too late.”  He let himself enjoy the moment before reality settled in, the smile slowly fading from his face, “But, I don’t think it’s quite that easy.”

She fidgeted with the edges of her afghan.  “I know.”

They sat in silence again, this time in mutual understanding, neither one wanting to break the spell with details like the fact that they don’t live in the same state, or the fact that they had hurt each other so badly. 

“I mean, we have a lot to figure out I think.”  Jim was scrambling for words, needing her to understand, “but I really want to…figure it out…if we can.”  He unconsciously held his breath waiting for her answer.

“Yeah.  I know it’s complicated at this point.”  Pam let out a heavy sigh, “But I just wanted you to know that you weren’t wrong about us.”

He thought that “us” was perhaps the best word he had ever heard.  He smiled and melted into the bed, completely spent, “That’s good to hear.  I really didn’t want to be wrong about us.”  He yawned, feeling exhaustion overwhelm him, “Maybe I could call you tomorrow, I mean, if you aren’t busy.”

His tone was playful, and Pam tried to process the idea that he was actually flirting with her.  She felt butterflies begin to tickle her stomach, the excitement pressing and overwhelming.  “I’d really like that.”

“Me too.  And Pam?”

His voice was low, quiet, and she snuggled closer to the phone.  “Yeah?”

“I’m really happy you called.” 

“Me too.  Night, Jim.”

“Night.”

As he put his phone down, he shook his head in wonder.  He had not expected her call from today to turn into this.  Her voice still ringing in his ears, Jim wandered through his apartment, turning off lights, realizing that he really needed to clean up at some point tomorrow.   He had certainly let things go the last few months, he had let himself go.  He wrote himself a note to pick up kitchen cleaner and trash bags from the store tomorrow.   

As pulled his shirt off and settled into bed, he felt an incredible sense of peace deep in his chest.  He set his alarm clock, eager to get up in the morning and face a new day.