INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – AFTERNOON – DAY 1

MICHAEL, JIM, PAM, ANDY, DWIGHT, ANGELA, DARRYL, KELLY, KEVIN, CREED, PHYLLIS, MEREDITH, HOLLY, STANLEY and OSCAR are sitting in CHAIRS facing the front of the room. The lights have been DIMMED. The TV STAND is in the front of the room. The DVD trivia game FRIENDS “SCENE IT” is PLAYING.

ANDY
(yelling)
Chanandler Bong!

Andy looks around the room, nodding his head and looking content with himself. Everyone else rolls their eyes.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD – MICHAEL’S OFFICE

MICHAEL
(smiling proudly)
Friends “Scene It.” Do I know how to have a good time or do I know how to have a good time?

PAM TALKING HEAD – OUTSIDE CONFERENCE ROOM DOORWAY

PAM
Michael said everyone has looked stressed lately. So he decided to have Board Game Fridays.

Pam points to above the doorway. PAN UP to view a SIGN that reads, “Board Game Fridays. Board games. Not bored games.”

PAM (CONT’D)
He came up with the slogan and had me design it.

PAN DOWN to Pam.

PAM (CONT’D)
Probably not going to add it to my portfolio.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – MOMENTS LATER – D1

KEVIN
(smirking)
We are so kicking your butts.

KELLY
(loudly and sarcastically)
Yeah, thanks, Creed.

PAN OVER to Creed, who is popping SUNFLOWER SEEDS into his mouth from a PACKET. PAN OVER to Angela, who has set her jaw and is shaking her head in disgust.

CREED
(with mouth full)
What?

DARRYL TALKING HEAD – OUTSIDE CONFERENCE ROOM DOORWAY

DARRYL
All he had to do was finish the following line.
(poorly attempts to impersonate Ross from Friends)
“We were onnnn...” He answered, “LSD.”

Darryl looks directly into the camera.

JIM TALKING HEAD – OUTSIDE CONFERENCE ROOM DOORWAY

JIM
On Monday, Michael asked me for an idea for Board Game Friday. I suggested “Scattergories.” He said that was a terrible idea and that he wanted to play “Scene It,” the Hey Dude edition. I told him I was prihh-tee sure they don’t make that. His second choice was “Scene It,” Ghostwriter.

Beat.

JIM (CONT’D)
Two of my favorite shows growing up. Aaand two of Michael’s favorite shows at age thirty. I’m ninety-five-percent sure his next choice would’ve been “Scene It,” Clarissa Explains It All.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD – MICHAEL’S OFFICE

Michael is sitting at his desk. Dwight is behind him and to his right, leaning against the far wall.

MICHAEL
After I found out Target doesn’t have “Scene It” for any of the TV shows I picked, Jim suggested we play “Scene It,” Seinfeld, because, and I quote, everyone loves Seinfeld. Well, I got news for ya, Jim. Not everyone–
(using air quotes)
–“loves Seinfeld.” The jokes aren’t even funny. Baking clothes in a pizza oven? C’mon!

DWIGHT
Tried it. Doesn’t work. Suffered first-degree burns over most of my torso.
(sarcastically)
So ... thanks, Seinfeld.

INT. MICHAEL’S OFFICE – EARLY MORNING – DAY 2

Michael is sitting at his desk with many PAPERS strewn about. He looks tired, but still somewhat upbeat.

MICHAEL
Exciting day. Exciting, exciting, exciting. We are hiring a brand-new Dunder Mifflinite and today is the day the first candidate is coming to interview. Holly gets to do most of the interviewing, but after she’s done they get to step into my lair for the real fun.

Beat, as he thinks about what he just said.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
No. Wait. That sou– That sounded kind of creepy. No, I just mean I get to interview each person to see how they’d fit in with what I like to call the Dunder Mifflin Culture. First thing I’ll teach them: Be thankful Toby didn’t just interview you. Because Toby is el laaah-maaay. That’s what they say in Costa Rica. Second thing: Don’t ever sleep with your boss. Tried it. Didn’t work.

He shakes his head quickly, as if to shake off the memory of Jan.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Unless we hire a hot girl. Gotta keep your options open.
(laughing nervously)
Just kidding.

Long beat.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
No, but you know what? I’m going to look them all up on MySpace. I’ve personally never used it, but Creed keeps talking about it. A good manager always does his research.

INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION AREA – D2

Pam is walking around the reception area, tidying things up. Jim is casually leaning against the other side of the counter, popping JELLYBEANS into his mouth.

JIM
(chewing)
Umm, I think you missed something.

PAM
(frantically)
What?

JIM
The sign that’s supposed to go right here.

He points to the top of the counter.

JIM (CONT’D)
You know, the one that says–
(moving his open hand in the air)
–“Stop. Turn around. Save yourself. You don’t want to work here.”

Pam smiles and rolls her eyes affectionately.

PAM
It’s not that bad.

JIM
(looking directly into Pam’s eyes and smiling)
I know.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD – CONFERENCE ROOM

DWIGHT
Do we need another employee at this branch? No. We need fewer employees. If we got rid of half the employees here, this branch would be far more profitable. When Mose and I opened our B and B, we hired three employees. They all quit within the first two days. Best thing that ever happened to Schrute Farms. We only had to pay one employee. Me. Our profits skyrocketed.

He pauses momentarily and listens, as if the cameraman is asking a question.

DWIGHT (CONT’D)
No, one employee. Mose doesn’t understand the concept of salary, so I don’t pay him. I run Schrute Farms ruthlessly.

INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION AREA – MOMENTS LATER – D2

Pam is sitting at her desk. Jim is standing on the other side, talking to her. He is leaning over the counter, resting his elbows on it. Kevin and Andy have walked up next to Jim to join the conversation.

KAITLIN, a classy, nonthreatening brunette, walks in as if seeking confirmation she’s in the right place. She is about 24 years old (click to see image) and is carrying a LEATHER PORTFOLIO. Kevin and Andy glance at each other fleetingly, as if to confirm her attractiveness.

PAM
Hey, you must be Kaitlin. I’m Pam.

KAITLIN
(nervous, but smiling sweetly)
Yeah, hey, I’m Kaitlin Casey. I’m here to interview with Holly Flax for the community outreach position. Nice to meet you.

PAM
Okay, no problem. One minute. Her phone isn’t working so I’ll go back and let her know you’re here.

She gets up and walks back to the annex.

KEVIN
(awkwardly)
Hey. I’m Kevin.

ANDY
(weirdly)
Drew Bernard.

He shakes Kaitlin’s hand.

ANDY (CONT’D)
Pleasure.

JIM
(quietly, to Andy)
So you’re back to that, huh?

ANDY TALKING HEAD – 3RD FLOOR HALLWAY

ANDY
The last few months have been rough.
(starts counting off on his fingers)
Angela called off the engagement. My dad’s yacht got repossessed by the SEC. Angela started dating Dwight. Um, PS, how random is that? So I’m thinking: Going back to Drew can only help. Plus, look at all the awesome people named Drew.

Long beat, as he is in thought.

ANDY (CONT’D)
Drew Carey. Drew ...
(voice trails off)

INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION AREA – CONTINUOUS – D2

KAITLIN
(semi-jokingly)
So, anything I should know before I go in there?

KEVIN
(awkwardly)
Ummm.

Andy starts to say something but is cut off by Jim.

JIM
Wow. So this is awkward. Kaitlin, by the way, I’m Jim.

He shakes Kaitlin’s hand.

JIM (CONT’D)
Okay, this is very important: You don’t need to know anything but I need to know two things first. One: Do you have a sense of humor?

KAITLIN
(laughing)
Yeah, I think so.

JIM
Okay, two: Can you resist the urge to jump off tall buildings?

KAITLIN
(nervously laughing)
Uh, yeah? I mean, I don’t really see myself doing that.

JIM
Perfect. You are now officially qualified to work at Dunder Mifflin. Congratulations.

KAITLIN
(laughing)
Easiest interview ever.

DWIGHT (O.S.)
That was a terrible interview.

PAN OVER to Dwight, who is sitting at his desk. He obviously has been eavesdropping on the conversation.

DWIGHT
You would be the worst human resources representative of all time.

JIM
Good thing I’m a salesman, then.

Dwight scoffs.

DWIGHT
Yeah, if you can even call yourself that.

JIM
You’re right. I guess Dwight’s Boss would be a more appropriate title.

KEVIN
Ohh, snap.

PAN OVER to Kaitlin. She looks uncomfortable.

JIM
(quietly, to Kaitlin)
That’s just Dwight. The reason I want to jump off a tall building. Every. Single. Day.

Before Kaitlin can respond, Pam returns.

PAM
Hey, Kaitlin. Holly’s almost ready. She asked me to have you to wait in the conference room for like one minute.

KAITLIN
Okay, well, wish me luck, guys.

KEVIN & ANDY
Good luck.

Jim smiles politely.

JIM
Good luck.

Pam leads Kaitlin into the conference room.

ANDY
(confidently)
Totally wants me.

JIM
Yeah, that Drew charm is irresistible.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – MOMENTS LATER – D2

KAITLIN
So that guy Jim is pretty cool.
(gossipy)
He’s cute, too.

PAM
Oh, yeah–

Just then, Holly enters.

HOLLY
Hi, Kaitlin. I’m Holly Flax.

She shakes Kaitlin’s hand.

HOLLY (CONT’D)
Sorry to keep you waiting.

KAITLIN
Oh, no. No problem.

HOLLY
Okay, great. Let’s get started.
(to Pam, who is standing in the doorway)
Thanks, Pam.

Pam looks hesitant to leave. She obviously wants to explain her and Jim’s engagement to Kaitlin.

PAM
All right.

She smiles halfheartedly and closes the door behind her.

INT. OFFICE – JIM AND DWIGHT’S DESKS – LATER – D2

Jim is at his desk, working intently. Dwight is at his desk, talking on the phone. Michael opens his office door and takes a few steps into the main office.

MICHAEL
Jim, Dwight, can I see you in my office for a minute?

Jim and Dwight look at each other quizzically, then at Michael quizzically.

JIM
Uh, yeah. Sure. No problem.

He gets up and walks into Michael’s office.

DWIGHT
(into the phone)
I’m gonna have to call you back.

He hangs up the phone before he even is finished speaking, gets up and follows Jim into Michael’s office.

MICHAEL
Shut the door, Dwight.

Dwight shuts the door behind him and sits down next to Jim. The look on his face is one of grave concern.

MICHAEL
I have been going crazy thinking about this problem I have.

DWIGHT
What is it, Michael?

MICHAEL
I set up a MySpace account to find out stuff about the people we’re interviewing. But then I discovered you can also meet women on it.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD – MICHAEL’S OFFICE

MICHAEL
I’ve watched those commercials for LoveLine or whatever it’s called.
(attempting a sultry voice)
“Call 1-800-LoveLine today. Hot, sexy women are standing by, waiting to talk to you.” I mean, how can you not watch them? They come on right before Blind Date.

He shakes his head quickly.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
But that’s not what I’m looking for. You don’t see those commercials saying stuff like–
(again attempting a sultry voice)
–”Call 1-800-Find-a-Long-Term-Girlfriend-And-Possibly-Wife today. Classy, intelligent, hilarious women who want to have three kids and live in a spacious, split-level ranch with a tree house and a nice, in-ground pool are waiting to talk to you.” Or above-ground pool. Whatever. I’m not picky.

Beat.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
The point is, you can’t find women like that with those 1-800 numbers. But on MySpace -- on MySpace, anything’s possible.

INT. MICHAEL’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS – D2

MICHAEL
I need your help setting up my profile.

Dwight becomes visibly giddy. Jim’s face displays a look of mischievous possibility mixed with “oh-no.”

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Jim, you’re a good-looking guy. I bet you meet tons of women on MySpace.

JIM & PAM TALKING HEAD – OFFICE – RECEPTION AREA

Jim holds up Pam’s left hand for the camera. He points to the ENGAGEMENT RING on her finger and makes a face as if to say, “Seriously, Michael?”

INT. MICHAEL’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS – D2

DWIGHT
I can help you, Michael. Let me do some research and get back to you ASAP.

MICHAEL
Okay. Thank you, Dwight. Jim, are you going to help, too?

JIM
Yeah. I think Dwight’s got this one pretty much covered.

DWIGHT
Question. Can you write down a list of your ideal women’s characteristics? Breast size, intelligence level, physical strength. Things like that.

MICHAEL
What? Dwight. No.

DWIGHT
So I can properly tailor my research.

MICHAEL
(sheepishly)
Fine. Cute face. Small waist. Big behind.

Beat.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
(to the camera)
Mike Jones.

Jim looks directly into the camera with wide eyes. He tries, but fails, to hold back an astonished smile.

ANDY TALKING HEAD – 3RD FLOOR HALLWAY

ANDY
Drew ... Lachey.

Beat.

ANDY (CONT’D)
Niice. Forgot about Drew Lachey.

INT. MICHAEL’S OFFICE – D2

Michael is sitting at his desk. DWIGHT is behind him and to his right, leaning against the far wall.

MICHAEL
I ... am all finished. Had to make a few rough drafts first, but...

The camera COMES AROUND the side of Michael’s desk to view his computer screen. Dwight leans forward and DRUMROLLS his fingers on the top of the desk.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Ta-daaa. Babes of Scranton, may I present to you ... Michael Scott.

He turns the volume knob on the computer speakers. Paper Planes by M.I.A. begins to PLAY.

M.I.A. (V.O.)
(from speakers)
I fly like paper, get high like planes / If you catch me at the border, I got visas in my name.

MICHAEL
Exhibit one. Song choice is crucial. I heard this on the trailer for that movie with the guy from Knocked Up and that other guy from that movie with Tyrese.

DWIGHT
Annapolis.

MICHAEL
Whatever. Paper Planes. Paper. Planes. Is that a perfect song about a manager of a paper company or what? A manager of a paper company who also just so happens to be very a very worldly guy. Fly. Like. Planes. Perfect.

DWIGHT
Nice.

MICHAEL
Step two: You have to have the right interests.

ZOOM IN on the “Interests” section of the page (click to see the image). It reads: “General: Having fun, hangin with my crew, being pretty much the World’s Best Boss, shooting hoops, magic (but I’m good at it -- the opposite of Jobe from Arrested Development haha), being sensitive to women, Sandals, playing Texas Hold Em / Music: Too much to name. Except NO COUNTRY! / Movies: Die Hard 1 to Whenever They Stop Making Die Hard Movies, Harold and Kumar / Television: Don’t watch a whole lot of TV. / Books: Anything by Suze Orman / Heroes: Bob Hope, Abraham Lincoln, Bono, God, the dad from Friday Night Lights (the TV show, not the movie)”

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
It’s all about being truthful. But also exaggerating, too. Kind of like on your résumé. Like, okay, favorite TV shows. I put, “Don’t watch a whole lot of TV.” Women love that sort of thing. But also, Jan threw a Dundie through my awesome plasma. So now I only can watch TV in my bedroom.

DWIGHT
You should probably get that fixed, though. It’s been almost a year.

Michael shoots him a look that says, “Let’s stick to the important things here.”

MICHAEL
I don’t know anyone on MySpace yet, but give it a day or two and the friendships are gonna start pouring in. If they’re lucky, they’ll get in my top eight.
(attempting to impersonate Charles Barkley)
Are you in my top eight? Kuncklehead.

He laughs at his own subpar impersonation. The camera ZOOMS IN on the “Top 8 Friends” section of the page. He does have one friend. It’s Tom.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Oh, yup. Wait. I do have one friend. Someone named Tom. Hmm. Guess word’s already getting around.

Dwight nods his head up and down confidently.

INT. BREAK ROOM – D2

SPY SHOT: Jim is sitting alone at one of the tables, drinking a GRAPE SODA. Pam enters.

PAM
Hey.

JIM
Hey yourself.

Pam gets a CANDY BAR out of the vending machine.

PAM
(sitting down next to Jim)
So, listen. It’s not a big deal at all, but I just wanted to say something before it got weird or anything.

JIM
Hah. We could’ve used that logic, like, two years ago.

Pam smiles lovingly.

PAM
No, but you know Kaitlin? The girl who’s interviewing today? I think she sort of has a crush on you.

JIM
(deadpan, with his mouth full)
Can you blame her?

Pam sarcastically punches Jim in the arm.

PAM
I’m just saying, she told me she thought you were cute and she was kind of talking about you and before I had a chance to explain, Holly walked in. So I couldn’t tell her. Sooo, can you just slip it into conversation casually if she, you know, gets hired?

JIM
(fake begrudgingly)
I guess.

Pam quickly kisses Jim on the lips. He smiles. She exits.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD – MICHAEL’S OFFICE

MICHAEL
After I set up my profile, I decided to check out some of our new-hire candidates. Kaitlin? Wow. Impressive. A: Went to the Bahamas one year for spring break. Probably Sandals. So, great taste there. B: Favorite music. She put, “All Along the Watchtower comma Bob Dylan.” Two excellent choices. Although I have say–
(pretending each hand is part of a scale)
–Dave Matthews, up here. Bob Dylan, sort of more down here.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – D2

SPY SHOT: Holly and Kaitlin are sitting alone on opposite sides of the CONFERENCE TABLE. Several PAPERS are strewn about in front of Holly. Kaitlin’s PORTFOLIO is open. She is holding a PEN. They are in mid-conversation.

HOLLY
(laughing)
... I know. I know. That’s just what happens sometimes. All right, so here’s another question: We’re creating this position because we need to tap into potential client markets that we might have overlooked in the past or that we might not have had access to. So, if you were hired, how would you go about establishing yourself in your first few weeks on the job?

Long beat, as Kaitlin thinks.

KAITLIN
Well, I think there are a few important steps you have to take in a situation like this. The first thing I’d do–

Just then, Michael bursts through the door like a little kid who just got home from a half-day at school. The camera FOLLOWS him into the conference room.

MICHAEL
(exaggerated, gossipy)
Soo, how’s it going? What’s the dish? What’s the latest dish on the 411?

HOLLY
(to Kaitlin)
I guess now’s as good a time as any to introduce you to our regional manager, Michael Scott. Who apparently is in high school.

MICHAEL
You know what? That is exactly what the girl at Costco said to me last weekend.
(to Kaitlin)
Funny story: So I walk up to the checkout and I put my Mike’s and Sour Patch Kids down on the counter–

KAITLIN
Wait, sorry. Mike’s?

MICHAEL
Mike’s Hard Lemonade.

Kaitlin nods. The looks on her face says, “That’s not particularly surprising.”

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
So anyway, I put my stuff down and the checkout girl goes, “You must be in high school, huh?” And I was like, “Wow! I am so flattered you said that. But no, I’m actually a successful corporate professional.” And she said, “No way.” She couldn’t believe it.

He laughs. Kaitlin smiles politely.

KAITLIN
Well, it’s very nice to meet you, Mr. Scott.

She shakes Michael’s hand.

MICHAEL
(turned to the camera)
Even more charming in person.

KAITLIN
What do you mean?

MICHAEL
(catching his slip-up)
Uh, charming. You’re a very charming person.

He flashes an extraordinarily awkward half-smile.

HOLLY
Okay, well, thank you, Michael. Good to see you.

Michael has no idea what to say. He exits the conference room under an awkward silence.

INT. BREAK ROOM – D2

Kevin and Andy are sitting at one table, talking. Meredith, Phyllis, Oscar and Kelly are sitting at the other table, eating LUNCH. Meredith is sipping loudly from a SLURPEE CUP.

OSCAR
... maybe, and this might just be a crazy thought on my part, she isn’t interested in either of you.

Kevin and Andy shake their heads dismissively.

KEVIN
She is obviously interested in one of us. Why do you think she was talking to us for, like, ten minutes?

OSCAR
It was more like five minutes.

PHYLLIS
Four and a half.

MEREDITH
(to Kevin and Andy)
You are both [BLEEP]s.

Everyone looks at one another, startled.

MEREDITH (CONT’D)
Just flip a coin and whoever wins, go up to her and tell her you want to
[BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP] in your car. Trust me. It works every time.

Long beat. No one has any clue whatsoever about what to say.

KELLY
(just so someone will break the silence)
I liked her outfit. Ohmygod, guys, it was so cute. Right?

ANDY
Bow-chick-a-bow-wow.

Kevin smiles and nods along immaturely.

KELLY TALKING HEAD – ANNEX – KELLY’S DESK

KELLY
No. I would never do that.

Beat.

KELLY (CONT’D)
Maybe.

INT. OFFICE – OUTSIDE CONFERENCE ROOM – D2

Michael is peeking through the window of the conference room. PUSH PAST him to see Holly and Kaitlin standing up. Michael jumps away from the window so they won’t realize he’s been peeking in. The door opens and Holly and Kaitlin exit.

MICHAEL
(to the entire office)
Attention everybody. Attention. I have a very special announcement to make.

Everyone but Dwight looks at one another with a mix of uncertainty and “this ought to be good.” Dwight’s stare remains fixed rigidly on Michael.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Kaitlin. Young Mrs. Kaitlin...

He turns to Kaitlin.

KAITLIN
(quietly)
Casey.

MICHAEL
Right, right. Of course.
(echoing like a loudspeaker)
Mrs. Kaitlin Casey, Casey, Casey, Casey is the newest member, member, member, member of the Scranton branch, branch, branch, branch of Dunder Mifflin, Mifflin, Mifflin, Mifflin.

Everyone except Dwight and Holly smiles and offers phrases of congratulations.

ANDY
(loudly)
Congratulations, m’lady.

HOLLY
(to Kaitlin, trying to mask her surprise)
Congratulations, Kaitlin.
(to Michael)
Michael, can I talk to you for a sec?

Michael smiles nervously at the camera.

INT. MICHAEL’S OFFICE – D2

HOLLY
Michael, you know you can’t just do that. We didn’t even interview anyone else. You didn’t even interview her.

Michael glances knowingly at the camera.

MICHAEL
But I did, in a way.

HOLLY
What?

Just then, Dwight bursts through the door.

MICHAEL
This is a meeting, Dwight. An important meeting. You can’t just come in here–

DWIGHT
That’s what she said.

HOLLY
(smiling)
Nice.

DWIGHT
I have important information. According to the Dunder Mifflin internal human resources Web site–

HOLLY
Woah, woah, woah, wait. Wait. How did you get on that site?

DWIGHT
(derisively)
Um, it’s part of my job.

MICHAEL
No, it’s not, Dwight. It’s really not.

DWIGHT
(ignoring Michael)
According to the internal H.R. site, it is against this company’s bylaws to hire a new employee without interviewing at least one other candidate.

HOLLY
I know, Dwight. I’m aware of that.

MICHAEL
I ... was not aware of that.

HOLLY
It’s pretty standard. Mainly, it’s a safeguard against abuse of authority and nepotism.

Michael looks at the camera, then at Holly, as if to say, “Stop making up words.” He giggles.

DWIGHT
Michael, this is not a laughing matter.

MICHAEL
Nepotism. What? Is that even a real word? C’mon, guys.

Beat.

HOLLY
Fortunately, I can overrule that requirement under extraordinary circumstances. So I guess that’s what I’m going to have to do here.

HOLLY TALKING HEAD – CONFERENCE ROOM

She is holding a PACKET OF PAPER.

HOLLY
(sarcastic)
According to the bylaws that Dwight so graciously brought to our attention, a regional H.R. manager or above is allowed to overrule the multiple-interview provision under, quote–
(reading from the packet)
–circumstances that could pose a high risk of financial and/or legal trouble for Dunder Mifflin Paper Company, Incorporated.
(looking up)
In other words, if we’re going to get sued.

Beat.

HOLLY (CONT’D)
I don’t know Kaitlin very well, but if someone hired me in front of a dozen people and then told me, “Oh, wait, you’re not actually hired” thirty minutes later, I would be on the phone with Mazzoni, Kelley & Thompson, like, immediately.

She tries -- and fails -- to stifle a laugh.

HOLLY (CONT’D)
He keeps it interesting, though. Ya gotta admit.

ACT THREE

INT. OFFICE – OUTSIDE MICHAEL’S OFFICE – D2

Michael is standing outside his office door, holding a PIECE OF PAPER. Kelly now is in the office, too, standing in front of the copier.

MICHAEL
(weirdly but excitedly)
Okay, loyal Dunder Mifflinites. It is time to partake one of my personal favorite activities–

JIM
Scene It, “Ghostwriter.”

MICHAEL
You found it?!

KEVIN
We’re going to Hooters?

PAM
We’re doing the People magazine crossword together?

JIM
We’re going to ... sit in the massage chairs at Brookstone.

PAM
No, Jim. We’re actually going to the Orange Julius stand.

JIM
(with admiration)
Nice.

MICHAEL
Shuuuut it. No. We are going to do a wilderness survival team-building exercise to welcome Kaitlin into our little family.

Dwight thrusts his fist into the air excitedly.

DWIGHT
Yes!

MICHAEL
No, Dwight. Right here in the office. I found it online. Two teams. One scenario. Your plane has crashed in the middle of winter in the woods and you have only–
(looking at the piece of paper)
–a ball of steel wool, a small ax–

DWIGHT
Oh, yeah.

MICHAEL
–a loaded 45-caliber pistol–

JIM
Yikes. Let’s keep that away from Dwight.

MICHAEL
–a can of Crisco shortening, one newspaper per person, a cigarette lighter without fluid, an extra shirt and pair of pants per person, a twenty by twenty-foot piece of heavy-duty canvas, a sectional air map made of plastic, one quart of 100-proof whiskey–

PAN OVER to Meredith, who suddenly perks up.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
–a compass and one family-size chocolate bar per person.

JIM
Question. Can I have a 100 Grand?

MICHAEL
Uh, I don’t think so. If you had a hundred grand, I don’t think you’d have a plane that would crash in the middle of some forest.

Jim smirks at the camera.

ANDY
(trying to impress Michael)
Wow, Michael, you really make me snicker. Right? Right?

Michael looks at Andy blankly. Andy’s face falls.

MICHAEL
(reading from the paper)
Each team’s task is to list the above twelve items in order of importance for survival as well as the uses for each item. It is mid-January in Canada–

PAM
Real Canada? Near the Eskimos? Or, like, Toronto?

MICHAEL
Does it look like I have a map, Pam?

PAM
Yes. You just said we have a sectional air map made of plastic.

MICHAEL
I don’t– No, that’s in the game, Pam. Try to keep up. Okay, you are all dressed for a business meeting. And the daily temperature is forty below zero.

Beat.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Wow. That’s crazy. ... So, time to pick teams.

KEVIN
Sweet.

KEVIN TALKING HEAD – CONFERENCE ROOM

KEVIN
I love drafts. I dominated our fantasy draft this year.

He breaks into a big smile.

INT. OFFICE – OUTSIDE MICHAEL’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS – D2

MICHAEL
That’s right. We’re having a draft. So no dodging. That means you, Creed.
(quietly, to Jim)
Speaking of which, when’s our fantasy football draft? I haven’t heard anything about it yet.

JIM
(quickly)
Um, I’ll let you know.

MICHAEL
All right. First thing’s first. Captains. Uhhhhhh, um-um-um-um-um, Jim and ... Dwight. Rock, paper, scissors for first pick. Best two out of three.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD – CONFERENCE ROOM

DWIGHT
I am a rock, paper, scissors machine. If Deep Blue could play rock, paper, scissors ... I would be Deep Blue’s archnemesis. Dwight Kasparov.

INT. OFFICE – JIM AND DWIGHT’S DESKS – CONTINUOUS – D2

Jim and Dwight are standing face-to-face. On the first round, Dwight shoots rock. Jim shoots thumbs-up.

DWIGHT
(upset)
What is that? That’s not rock, paper or scissors.

Jim looks around like, “What? Was that wrong?” They shoot again. Dwight again shoots rock. Jim shoots the number three.

DWIGHT
Fine, Jim. If you refuse to take this seriously, I will take first pick.

Beat.

DWIGHT (CONT’D)
Pam.

PAM
(loudly, with a hint of sarcasm)
Yesss!

She gets up and begins to walk toward Dwight.

JIM
Oooh. Sure about that?
(to Pam)
You’re going down, Ki-Jana.

Kevin laughs.

PAM TALKING HEAD – OFFICE – RECEPTION AREA

Pam is sitting at her computer.

PAM
After several minutes of intense Google searching, I think I figured out the reference.
(quickly reading from the screen)
Ki-Jana Carter is a former star running back for the Penn State Nittany Lions. He was selected with the number-one overall pick in the 1995 NFL Draft but tore his anterior cruciate ligament on the third carry of his first preseason game and never fully recovered. He is widely considered one of the biggest draft busts in league history.

Beat.

PAM (CONT’D)
(jokingly)
Oh, we’ll see, Jim. We’ll see.

INT. OFFICE – JIM AND DWIGHT’S DESKS – CONTINUOUS – D2

JIM
Kev.

DWIGHT
Angela.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD – CONFERENCE ROOM

DWIGHT
Why did I pick Pam before Angela? Simple. Strategy. Remove the player my opponent otherwise would have picked first and thereby severely cripple his chances to defeat me. In times like these, personal feelings must be set completely aside.

INT. OFFICE – JIM AND DWIGHT’S DESKS – CONTINUOUS – D2

JIM
Phyllis.

DWIGHT
Holly.

JIM
Okay. Andy.
(quickly)
Uh, Drew.

DWIGHT
Stanley.

JIM
Creed.

CREED TALKING HEAD – CONFERENCE ROOM

CREED
Oh, I’ve been in this exact situation plenty of times. Plane crash in the woods. Got to survive in the wild.

He nods his head confidently.

CREED (CONT’D)
Plenty of times.

INT. OFFICE – JIM AND DWIGHT’S DESKS – CONTINUOUS – D2

DWIGHT
Meredith.

JIM
Kelly.

DWIGHT
Oscar.

MICHAEL
Annnd Kaitlin, you’re on Jim’s team. Okay, everybody. Take your places.

PHYLLIS
Our places?

MICHAEL
Just split up into your teams. We’ll reconvene in an hour and see what you came up with.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – LATER – D2

Jim, Kevin, Phyllis, Andy, Creed, Kelly and Kaitlin are sitting around the conference table. Creed is blatantly staring at Kaitlin, who is flanked by Andy and Kevin.

KAITLIN
I just think that the newspapers might be important. I mean, we could, like, burn them, use them for fuel for the fire.

ANDY
Excellent idea, Kaitlin. Excellent.

KAITLIN
I mean, I don’t know, I think that might be a good idea. What do you guys think?

ANDY
I think it’s an excellent idea.

Kaitlin smiles politely. Just then, Michael bursts through the door.

MICHAEL
(in a high-pitched voice)
Hey, hey, hey! What is going on here?
(to camera)
Zack Morris, Saved By the Bell.

PAN OVER to Jim, who shakes his head slowly in mock disappointment and mouths “Mister Belding.”

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
So, whaddya got so far?

Kevin picks up a PIECE OF PAPER sitting on the table in front of him.

KEVIN
(reading from the paper)
Kelly wants to keep the newspapers to read, but only if they have Page Six.

JIM
They don’t.

KEVIN
(still reading)
Creed wants to throw away the lighter because it has no lighter fluid, so it’s definitely worthless. Jim wants to keep the lighter because it can make sparks, even without lighter fluid. Kaitlin wants to burn the newspapers in the fire. We’re all over the place here, Michael.

MICHAEL
You know what? I’m adding another item. A CD. And a CD Walkman.

JIM
Discman.

MICHAEL
Discman. Whatever.

JIM
Waaas our plane actually a time machine to 1997?

MICHAEL
(shaking off Jim)
What? No?

Beat.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
(looking at Kaitlin)
I definitely would have a Dave Matthews CD in my Discman. Probably, like, All Along the Watchtower. I don’t– I don’t know, though. Maybe.

Kaitlin looks confused and sort of creeped out.

INT. BREAK ROOM – D2

Dwight, Pam, Angela, Holly, Stanley, Meredith and Oscar are sitting around two tables, which have been pushed together.

DWIGHT
No. Ridiculous. Does anyone have a serious suggestion? Because Holly obviously does not.

HOLLY TALKING HEAD – ANNEX – HOLLY’S DESK

HOLLY
We played this exact same game at the last place I worked.

CUT TO CLOSE IN of a SHEET OF PAPER on which Dwight has written two categories: “Essential Items” and “Non-Essential Items.”

HOLLY (CONT’D) (V.O.)
When we found out the answers, the cigarette lighter was the most important, then the steel wool, then the extra clothes, then the Crisco.

CUT TO CLOSE IN of the “Non-Essential Items” category. Dwight writes “Cig Lighter, Crisco, Steel Wool, Newspapers.”

HOLLY (CONT’D) (V.O.)
By far the least important were the whiskey, the compass and the map.

CUT TO CLOSE IN of the “Essential Items” category. Dwight writes “Pistol, Ax, Map, Compass.”

OSCAR TALKING HEAD – 3RD FLOOR HALLWAY

OSCAR
Dwight always talks a big game about being this mountain man, outdoors-savvy, know-it-all-type guy.

Beat.

OSCAR (CONT’D)
I’m not really sure why.

STANLEY TALKING HEAD – 3RD FLOOR HALLWAY

STANLEY
If I am ever in a plane crash with Dwight Schrute in the middle of nowhere and we both survive, let me tell you: There are only two items that I will care about. The liquor and the gun.

INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION AREA – D2

Michael is standing alone, holding a SHARPIE and a PIECE OF PAPER and looking at his WRISTWATCH. A large FLIP CHART has been set up on the counter. At the top is written the headline “The 1st Annual Welcome to Dunder Mifflin, Kaitlin, Wilderness Survival Challenge.” The chart has been divided into two columns: “Jim’s Team” and “Dwight’s Team.” A line that reads “Total Score:” has been written in each column.

MICHAEL
(yelling)
Ohhhhhhhhhh...kay! Time’s up! Everybody come on in. Gather around, gather around.

Everybody files into the main office from their respective rooms. The members of each team gather together. In general, everyone looks a bit annoyed with one another.

PHYLLIS
So what happens now, Michael?

DWIGHT
(smugly)
Total domination.

MICHAEL
No, Dwight. That is not the spirit of the game. We’re trying to bring everyone together here. It doesn’t matter who beats who.

STANLEY
Whom.

MICHAEL
Sorry. It doesn’t matter whom beats who.

JIM
Thennn ... why does each column say “Total Score”?

MICHAEL
It’s– Well, it’s to see who wins.

Jim looks at the camera.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
(to Jim)
Team One, please read off your answers in order of most important to least important.

Long beat, as Jim stares at Michael, expressionless.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Jim, Team One. Read your answers.

JIM
Oh. Sorry. You said Team One.
(pointing at the flip chart)
I thought we were called Jim’s Team.

Kaitlin laughs quietly. Pam shoots Jim a questioning look. Jim gives a helpless shrug back.

JIM (CONT’D)
Okay. We said the lighter was most important. Then the extra clothes, then the canvas, then the steel wool, then the Crisco, then the candy bars, then the ax, then the gun, then the newspapers, then the whiskey, then the compass, then the map.

Michael writes it all down in order.

MICHAEL
Okay, good. Berry, berry good. Team two? What did you have?

DWIGHT
(very seriously)
One: The 45. To fend off bear attacks. Two: Compass. To determine direction. Three: Map. To find nearest Eskimo village to get help. Four: Ax. To fend off bear attacks when bullets run out. Five: Chocolate bars. To lure bears into open, where they can be neutralized.

Jim WHISTLES.

JIM
Wow. Lots of bears around.

DWIGHT
Six: Whiskey. To fuel fire. Seven: The canvas. To fuel fire. Eight: Extra clothes. To fuel fire. Nine: Newspapers. To fuel fire. Ten: Crisco. Eleven: Ball of steel wool. Twelve: Cigarette lighter.

Michael writes it all down in order.

PHYLLIS
How are you going to start the fire?

DWIGHT
That is none of your concern.

OSCAR
No, Dwight -- how are we going to start the fire?

DWIGHT
None of your concern, either.

Oscar looks amused.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD – CONFERENCE ROOM

DWIGHT
Why would I reveal my method for starting a fire to my fellow survivors? So they can off me and have more supplies for themselves? Please.

INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION AREA – MOMENTS LATER – D2

Michael is looking back and forth from the paper in his hand to the flip chart.

MICHAEL
Okay. The results are in annnnnd ... Jim’s team wins in a landslide. You got the most important thing right as well as the three least important things. And everything else you put was close to being in the right order.

The members of Jim’s team half-sarcastically smile at one another.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Dwight: You and all your team is dead. You got the order almost exactly right. Unfortunately you also got it almost exactly backwards.

PAN OVER to Dwight, who looks incredulous.

JIM
(to Pam)
Yeeeeesh. You almost gotta try to lose that badly.

Just then, Kaitlin comes up behind Jim. She grabs Jim’s arm and he turns around. She smiles flirtatiously. Kevin and Andy look on, forlornly.

KAITLIN
(joking)
Good job, fearless leader. Thank you for saving my life.

Jim gives an awkward half-laugh. PAN OVER to Pam, who flashes the camera a wide-eyed look.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD – MICHAEL’S OFFICE

MICHAEL
Was today a success? Well, let’s see. We hired a new employee, who absolutely loves Dunder Mifflin. I am about to meet dozens of gorgeous, available women on the Internet. And we played an awesome team-building game that really brought everybody in the office even closer together. So, yeah. Definitely. A big success.

END OF ACT THREE

TAG

INT. OFFICE – JIM AND DWIGHT’S DESKS – DAY 3

Dwight and Jim are sitting at their respective desks, working on their computers. Jim subtly nods to the camera. ZOOM IN on Dwight’s computer screen, where a NEW E-MAIL NOTIFICATION pops up. The e-mail is from “Welcome to MySpace” and the subject line reads, “MySpace Account Confirmation.” Dwight clicks on it. PAN OVER to Jim, who can barely contain his laughter.

DWIGHT
Dammit!

He pounds his fist on his desk.

DWIGHT (CONT’D)
Jiiiiiim!

JIM TALKING HEAD – CONFERENCE ROOM

JIM
It’s scary how much personal info I know about Dwight Kurt Schrute -- and how much of it I blantantly falsified to make that account.