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Dear Pamela Beesly,

Apparently this first pen pal letter is just for introductions… so I’ll be introducing myself now. My name’s Jim Halpert. I’m a senior at West Scranton High School. To be totally honest with you, it’s not that interesting… but it’s not too bad. I’m not dying of boredom every five seconds, so no worries. As for my family, I have two brothers. Their names are Pete and Tom. I have a few choice words in mind to describe them, but alas, this is a school paper. I don’t think it would go over well.

Lets see, what else can I tell you? I’m actually a pretty boring person. Not much interesting going on in my life, I have a feeling that once we get to know each other we’ll have more to talk about.

So… what about you? Any siblings? Hobbies? Let me know about this kind of stuff, Pamela. Oh, wait. Can I call you Pam? Writing Pamela – the whole name – is just so arduous. Just so you know, I also wouldn’t mind calling you Beesly. It’s your choice, but remember: the ela is just too much work. It might be a little hard for me.

Uh oh. The bell just rang. See, Pam(ela)? Typing out your long name is just too time consuming. You might want to consider changing it legally.

Anyway, looking forward to hearing back from you!

-Jim Halpert

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Dear Jim,

Pam here. (And yes, you can call me Pam!) I guess I’m not really that much of an interesting person either. I hope these letters aren’t as boring as we are. That would sort of suck.

Lets see. All about me… I go to Dunmore High, but I’m only a junior. (No clue why I’m writing a grown-up senior like you!) Also, I like art. A lot. I’m in the art club at school, and sometimes my work gets displayed on the bulletin board outside. (That's a big deal at Dunmore) My teacher says that I have a good “artistic eye” (I think that sounds good, right?) As for family, I’m an only child. It gets a little boring at times, but it’s okay. I hear that siblings can be kind of obnoxious at times. You just proved that point in your last letter, didn’t you?

I really hope that we’ll have more to talk about in later letters, because I have no clue what to talk about now, which you can probably tell, because of how short this letter is.

Ooh! I have an idea. My teacher just told me that if we’re stuck, we should ask you a question. Here’s mine: are you planning to go to college? If so, what do you want to major in?

So, I guess that’s all I’ve got. I’m looking forward to hearing back from you soon!

Sincerely,
Pam(ela)

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Dear Pam,

So, my pen pal is an artist. I have to say that’s kinda cool, because, to be totally honest with you, my stick figures can’t hold up to those of a fifth grader. I’m sure you’re a great artist – not just anyone’s sketches get hung up on the bulletin board, right? – but I’d like some proof. And I know that sounds pretty harsh, but I really want to see your sketches! (Plus I’ve been bragging to almost everyone I know about how awesome you are, and I kinda want to know if I’m right.)

Ah, college. You sort of sounded like my mom in that question. Now don’t get me wrong, she’s a cool mom, but the topic of college can put a lot of pressure on certain people. (One of those people being me.) I don’t actually know if I want to go to college. I mean, I don’t have a passion or anything. I sort of like to write, and if I go I’d probably major in journalism. (My English grade rocks. Thank you Mr. Smith.) I might want to be a middle school teacher. I’ve been a part of this peer tutoring program with the neighboring middle school, and I love the kids. So…yeah. I’ve applied to a few colleges. I don’t know if I’m going to get accepted (the letters come next month).

And that’s pretty much my entire plan for the future. If I don’t go to college… well then I have no idea what I’ll do. I just picked up some dead end job, and I guess I’ll stick to that if the whole college thing doesn’t happen.

As a closing statement to the whole college thing: keep up your grades! I know, cheesy, but if you want to go to college, they look at grades from junior year. I did not know that first semester, which is probably why the college thing isn’t set in stone for me.

I just thought of something to write. Something really funny happened to me the other day. It was kind of weird, but I thought you might get a laugh out of it. I was just riding my bike, like any other normal day, because my cheap, old car decided not to work. (It hates me.) So, while I was biking, I wasn’t really paying attention… so I biked right into a ditch. I know, I know, it’s pathetic, but it’s not like I could help it! I was just biking along and then BAM. Ditch. Out of nowhere. I don’t think that I will be biking to school anymore…

Okay. As for my closing statement for this whole letter: Can’t wait to see your amazing art, Beesly!

-Jim

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Dear Jim,

Biking into a ditch? Really? That's pretty lame. I mean, I’m pretty clumsy and all – I walk into things all the time – but I have never biked into a ditch. I hope that you wore a helmet! I read this story about a guy who was biking without a helmet and then he got hit by a truck and died. Now that I think about it, he probably still would have died with a helmet on, but it would probably have been less bloody…

Anyways. Talk about putting pressure on me! I THINK I’m a decent artist, but you’re just going to have to judge for yourself. I attached a sketch I did last night to the back of this letter. Take a look at it when you get the chance, but don’t laugh at me if you think it’s horrible. I drew my cat, Archie. He’s the most adorable thing. He has huge green eyes and whenever he mews he always swipes his paw in the cutest way. (And now you probably think I’m a crazy cat lady. I just love my Archie!) I especially love sketching him when he sleeps, and that’s exactly what I did.

Oh, if only my English grade rocks. I’m only good at reading off-beat plays and books and writing crappy reports about them. I wish I could write well. Journalism sounds like a really cool career! Have you been practicing? Writing any articles? If so, I think it would only be fair if you sent me something you’ve written, since I sent you a sketch. I don’t care what you wrote, but I would love to read it. Plus, I bet you rock. All of your letters to me have been well-written and funny, which is always a perk when you’re reading. I love funny.

You sound so calm about your college applications. I would be tearing my hair out if I sent out applications and haven’t gotten them back yet. But I don’t do well with waiting. I’m probably the most impatient person you’ll ever meet… so finish reading this, then hurry up and write me back!

Thanks for the heads up about junior year. They told me, but I didn’t really pay any attention. I will definitely work on that B-minus in bio, because I actually want to go to college. Unlike you, you slacker.

We just had school pictures, and my teacher told me to include mine in this letter, because apparently we’re very “close” pen pals. So… here is my mortifying junior year picture. (I put my e-mail on the back so that we can keep in touch.) I hope I’ll get to see your picture, too!

And wow. No one’s ever called me by my last name before. I sort of like it. So… I’ll talk to you soon, Halpert!

Your friend,
Beesly, a.k.a. Pam(ela), a.k.a. the crazy cat lady

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Dear Pam,

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! I hope you dressed up. I definitely did. I was… Tylenol! You know, like from Osmosis Jones? Yeah, it was genius.

Wow. Nice picture! I love the curly hair/red turtleneck ensemble. And the glasses are pretty cool, too. I’m just excited because now I get to match a dorky face to a dorky personality. And yes, I just called you a dork.

I gotta say “wow” one more time. You are a FANTASTIC artist, Pam! Archie is adorable. I love the way he scrunches up his nose when he’s sleeping. I’ve never seen him, but it looks to me like you captured him perfectly. I’m bragging like crazy to everyone, just so you know. They all think I’m crazy for taking this project so seriously… but what can I say? I have a really cool pen pal.

I’m not that calm, to be totally honest with you. I’m not going crazy (or ripping my hair out), but I’m a little nervous. Because honestly, I don’t want to stay at the same dead end job my whole life. Really, who would want that? I have about a week more of waiting to do for my first letter to come back. The school I’m gonna hear back from is pretty versatile – I can major in education or journalism.

And I don’t NOT want to go to college. I’m just… not sure yet. It’s a lot of choices right now! There are a lot of pluses to staying here, and there are a lot of pluses to go to New York. I’ve been to New York before and it’s a really nice place, but I don’t know if I would want to live there for four years you know?

So… you’re definitely sure you want to go to college? Gonna major in art?

Oh boy. Okay. I’ll send over a portfolio piece I wrote at the beginning of this month, but be warned, it’s not that great. I have a friend, Max, who said it was funny, and you like funny, right? So… be honest with me. Tell me what you think of it in the next letter, okay?

And you’re not getting my high school picture. You’ll never talk to me again if you see how completely dorky I am!

Alright. I have to go finish my midterm project… I couldn’t wait to write you back, so I took a break. I do have to go and get it done, though. See you later!

Your friend,
The bottle of Tylenol

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Dear Jim,

Tylenol? How did you manage that?! I was a teddy bear… but I made it interesting! I had a moustache. The cool French kind, with the swirls.

I read your article. I LOVE IT! You had me cracking up! I think you should send that story to some sort of magazine or newspaper or op ed column or SOMETHING. If you used that piece to apply for college then I think you definitely have a chance of getting in. And speaking of college, you probably got your letters by now! What’s the verdict?

And I almost definitely want to go to college. I might major in art, but it’s not a very promising career, you know? I may be living in a box on a street corner if I want to pursue art as a career. I might do art, but something safe, like graphic design. I’m taking a graphic design elective and it’s really fun.

From one dork to another: I’m sure your picture is adorable. I mean, adorkable!

Since you can’t hear me right now, I’m going to have to tell you that I just sighed. I have a huge headache, so I won’t be able to write a lot more, but I’m managing. I got hit in the head in gym the other day while we were playing dodge ball. Whoever invented that stupid game was an idiot.

My teacher just told me that we only have two more pen pal letters left, and then the project is over. And we barely even talked about anything cool! Talk about something cool in the next letter because the bell just rang and I have to wrap this up.

I will be awaiting your next letter (and adorkable yearbook picture!)

Your friend,
Pam

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Dear Pam,

I hope that your head feels better! Wow. I can’t believe that happened to you! I mean, people get hit during dodge ball all the time, but it’s never anything too serious. Right? I hope your headache has gone away by now. If it hasn’t, you should put some ice on it or something. Use the RICE system. We just learned about it in health. Rest, ice, compression, elevation. Now that I think about it, though, it might not work for head injuries. (Elevate your head? Yeah, not so much.) Oh! I’ve got it! You could just take a Tylenol (ha ha ha, I’m funny).

Just because this project is over does not mean that we need to stop writing to each other. I saved your e-mail address, so you’ll definitely be hearing from me in the future. Can’t get rid of me that easily, Beesly!

Here’s an interesting tidbit of information for ya: I was forced by Max to go on a blind date last night. Let me just tell you, never go on a blind date. The girl just wouldn’t stop talking. It was almost as if I was having dinner in the fiery pits of hell. Except instead of fire there were… I don’t know. Excerpts from Vogue magazine or something. And get this: she had a boyfriend. It was scary because in the middle of dinner he came up to our table. I thought he was going to beat me up, too. Nothing happened, I’m still in one piece… but it was a little freaky. I mean, I’m on the basketball team and everything, but I’m not that strong. And this guy was macho.

Seriously, Pam. MACHO.

Okay, moving on. Hey, guess what? I got into NYU! (I know, right?) I was really excited when I got the letter back. I honestly didn’t think that I would be able to make it. I also got an acceptance letter from Lackawanna University. It’s like ten minutes away form my house. I liked it there a lot when I took the tour, but my parents think that I should go to New York. You know, for the experience. The thing is, NYU accepted me for journalism and the college in Scranton accepted me for just plain ol’ education. And I don’t know how much I really want to be a journalist you know? I could still do journalism at Lackawanna… but I’d have other options, too.

By the way, I got a 98 on my midterm. Yeah, that’s right, go Jim. You can’t see me, but I’m doing a victory dance.

And I can’t believe that it’s already March! We started this project in late September… It went by really, really fast. Apparently, the next letters that we’re writing are going to be the last ones. That sucks.

My teacher just told us we’re supposed to write an essay about our pen pal after we get the final letters. I’ve been brainstorming about what to write about you, and I came up with a few facts. Here’s what I’ve got so far:

- You’re an amazing artist
- You were a teddy bear with a cool, French moustache for Halloween
- You’re a crazy cat lady
- You’re an only child

I think that in the next letter you need to write more about you so that I can write more about you! Here are some questions that I need to be answered for the sake of my amazing English grade:

- Why did the chicken cross the road?
- What is your favorite color?
- When will I be able to meet you in person?
- Do you have a boyfriend?

And… just list random facts about yourself, I guess. I figured that I could write a page long essay from that information, but some other stuff might help. About the third question I asked: I definitely think that we should see each other out of school. You’re pretty much my friend now, and I still have no idea what you look like (except your school picture, but that doesn’t count). My car is kind of old, and drives a little slowly, but I’m sure that we could meet in a coffee shop or an alleyway or something. Maybe over spring break?

Oh, bah humbug. My teacher is forcing me to send my picture to you… so don’t laugh, okay? Don’t stop talking to me because I’m so nerdy? Don’t make fun of my hair? I’m a sensitive guy, Pam. I WILL take offense.

Well, I gotta wrap this up… but just remember that the next letter you write will be the last one you’re writing for the assignment. Make it a good one, Beesly!

-Jim

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Dear Jim,

I am very glad that guy didn’t beat you up. That wouldn’t have been very nice of him. And I actually have not been on a blind date. And now I never will, thanks to you.

Jim, I absolutely love your picture! You are such a dork (in a good way)! But that’s okay, we’re dorks together. Judging by your picture, I’m sure that you’ll get a girlfriend before you know it.

Now, to answer your questions:

- The chicken crossed the road because the farmer let him roam free – out of the barn – and he had to cross his road to freedom. (I know, it’s deep.)
- My favorite color is probably going to have to be green.
- One day we will be able to meet in person. I’m going away over spring break, though. I want to do it… I just don’t know when.
- I actually do have a boyfriend. His name is Roy, and he’s on the basketball team.

Let’s see, what else? Here’s a random fact: I’m not exactly that great with children. I love kids, I really do, but I’m just not too good with them. They make me nervous. That’s why I make about zero money babysitting. Um, what else, what else? Here’s one: I can type really fast. That’s something to be proud of, right? My friend Amanda always says that I’m terrible with technology, though, so I don’t really know where typing will help me in life. It’s not like I’m ever gonna work with computers or anything if I’m a technology bum.

I just thought of something! Maybe we’ll see each other at a basketball game! I go to most of the home games. And now that I have your picture – which is hilarious – I can stalk you when we both are there. (Hopefully I’ll recognize you!) But it would be cool if we went for lunch or something one day, or we went to an alley. Maybe we could have a picnic. I could bring a lamp so that we have light. My other friend Sarah said that I should become a lamp decorator, because I made her a lamp cover once. Maybe I could decorate you a lamp and we can use it in our alleyway picnic.

Okay, why am I talking about lamps? I need to know more about you to write a page! I know that you play basketball, you’re a funny guy as well as an amazing writer, you’re a complete dork, such as myself, you’re physically weak, you have two brothers, you have a friend named Max who likes to set you up on lots of blind dates, and you got into NYU and Lackawanna University. (Talk about a run on sentence!) I also know that you were Tylenol for Halloween, which I still do not understand. But I did watch Osmosis Jones after you said that and all I can say is wow, Jim. You seriously based your Halloween costume off of THAT?

I hope that I gave you enough information to write a page about me! If not… too bad, because this is the last letter you’re gonna get out of me!

Speaking of NYU and Lackawanna University, it’s amazing that you got into both! I think that you should go to whichever college that you want to go to. Don’t listen to the man (or your parents).

I guess the rest of the letters that we’re sending will just be straight to each other’s houses. Or e-mail, maybe. It’ll go faster either way. We’ll be able to talk more, y’know? Now our teachers have to mail all the students’ letters to the other teacher and then they have to hand it out and sometimes they forget… yeah. It’ll be faster now. I’ll miss your school letters… but I can’t wait for the more personal ones!

So, to conclude my final letter: it’s been a great project, Halpert. I’ll talk to you soon!

Your friend,
Pam(ela)

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Dear Pam,

Wow, talk about putting pressure on me. I mean, I have to write the last letter of this entire project. It’s like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I’m sure that if you just make up some interesting stuff about me you’ll get an A. I’m afraid that if you use the truth you will fail, and that’s because I’m not a very interesting person. But of course, you already knew that.

And I am NOT weak. Just because I did not want to stand up to a macho guy does not make me weak. It makes me brave, thank you very much. The fact that I have twiggy arms and chicken legs has nothing to do with it.

I’m sure that you’re secretly great with kids, and you just don’t know it yet. I’m actually pretty good with kids. I’m always watching my younger cousins and they love me. It’s a different story with my brothers, though… they don’t seem to love me too much. I bet they’re just jealous of my awesomeness.

After this, we’ll just continue on the way we’ve been doing things, but we’ll send letters to each other’s houses directly. So you’ll send the letter to my house and then I’ll send it back to you. Right? Oy, so confusing. Maybe we can just use e-mail and make life a LOT easier. (Personally, I prefer the latter, but if you want to go the confusing way, that’s cool too.)

I showed Max your picture. He wanted to know who I had been babbling on and on about for the past few months. I hope that you don’t mind that I showed him your picture. He’s a good friend of mine, so he won’t do you any harm. I mean, he’s a little short, but I guess I just think so because I’m freakishly tall.

I don’t really know what else there is for me to say, except that I’m awesome. But that’s it. I have a few more weeks to decide on the college I’m gonna go to, so you can’t write about where I’m going… you can make up whatever you want to make up, though. I know making stuff up will raise your grade. Tell them I’m a bodybuilder or something. I know you’ll make up something cool.

Granted, I will probably make up some stuff about you. I am planning on telling them that you were going to marry your cat, Archie, but then your boyfriend, Roy came along and told you not to because that would be odd, so you gave up on the wedding. I am also telling them that you plan to cut off a chunk of your ear so your artwork gets shown.

Can’t wait to hear from you, Pam. Talk to you soon!

-Jim Halpert (formality!)

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