It’s true what they say about work. It sucks. It seems to me that it’s virtually impossible to live a life without performing some form of work. Since, I’m not going to be inheriting a huge fortune anytime soon, I figure that working at my dead end job is the only way I will be attaining money. So, day in and day out I drag myself from my bed and force myself to travel the five miles to the place I sometimes hate the most in the world. It would be the place I hate most in the world all of the time if not for her.

She is the sweet, innocent receptionist that I have grown to love. Her smile can cure any illness I have, and the sound of her voice is music to my ears. Really, though, I can’t figure what I am doing. This woman, that I have convinced myself I can’t live without, is engaged to another man. She loves someone else, and there is nothing I can do about it.

I am trapped in this weird love triangle that only I know about. There are times where I catch her looking at me when she thinks I’m not paying attention, and these secret glances help to replenish my hope that she might see what is going on between us. Nothing ever changes, though, and it doesn’t surprise me. Someone just doesn’t change the life they have built for years on a whim, and I know this. I know it, but I still continue to live the life I have been living.

The combination of my unrequited love and pathetic job eventually led me to realize something. It became clear to me that hoping for something I could never have is just wasting time. It is my time.

When I drove by the community college that I passed everyday on my way to work, I figured, why not try? If I enrolled in night classes it would only take me a couple of years to attain some sort of degree, and maybe then I could get a better job away from this place. Applying made me realize that I was about to start something new and exciting, maybe something that would change my life.

After flipping through lists of different classes, I decided to enroll in two: a business and journalism class. I had always thought of starting my own business, and the class would help. I took journalism, though, because I used to love to write. It was something I had enjoyed doing in high school, but had never really continued.

Weeks passed, and I prepared myself for the start of my classes. Nobody knew what was going on, and it felt good to know something that only belonged to me. The night of my first class, came quickly, though, and I found myself feeling nervous and overmatched. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea. My mind quickly changed when I walked in and read the front board intended to alert the class of their first assignment.

It was only a paper, a silly paper that I may have been asked to write in high school. It was one that I would have forgotten about until the last minute. I probably would have ended up throwing some words on a paper, hoping my teacher would buy into my obvious bullshit.

My life had changed since high school, and this paper took on a whole new meaning. The assignment was clear and concise with no pomp and frills. “Who are you?” the chalkboard said. There were no guidelines or length requirements. It was simply a question, and if it took you two sentences to answer, then so be it.

While my professor went over some introductions and handed out the syllabus of the class, my mind wandered. I wondered what I should write and how much I should reveal to a person I didn’t know. The overall task was exciting though, and that night I started writing it.

I didn’t really now how to start something so personal.

I tried “My name is Jim Halpert, and I am 28 years old,” but crossed it out. “My name is Jim Halpert, and I have lived in Scranton my whole life,” was also rejected quickly.

Soon, it came to me, and I had the perfect opening sentence. It was something I knew that would grasp the attention of anyone reading my essay, and as more creative juices started to flow, I continued writing.


I walked into the door of Dunder Mifflin the next morning with a smile on my face. It might have been the only time I had smiled all week.

While hanging up my coat I felt her hand on my arm, and I shivered. I really don’t know how she does it to me.

“Hey, Jim. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something.”

“What’s up?” I said as I wriggled out of her grasp. It was really much easier to talk to her that way.

“Well, I don’t mean to sound stalkerish or anything, but when I walked by your desk the other day I saw that you had up the community college website. Are you taking classes?”

“First of all, that is very stalkerish,” and I laughed at this so she knew I was joking. “And yes, I am actually taking night classes.” She gave me a look that seemed to say “explain” so I continued, “Well, you know. I was just thinking that I don’t really want to work here forever, and I might have more options at other jobs if I have a degree.”

“Yeah, right. No that’s awesome.”

“Yeah, well I am just trying something new. I mean, I don’t want to end up like Michael. I really couldn’t and don’t want to imagine that.”

“Yeah, no, that’s for sure. I think it’s really cool.”

“It is cool. I mean, usually everything I do is cool, so, this would also be cool.”

She laughed. God, did I love making her laugh.

“You are just Mr. Cool, aren’t you?”

She was smiling, but I sensed something else in her eyes. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what it was, but I am pretty sure it was fear. It didn’t match my fear, though. It wasn’t the type of fear that you feel for a friend when you’re worried about them. She wasn’t afraid that I’d fail. So what was she afraid of then? I smiled when I turned to my desk because I knew. I knew that she was afraid of me being gone. Between her crazy boss and boyfriend who had a lack of interest in their relationship, her life needed something to keep her sane. I was that something, and she needed me.

She needed me.

Though it wasn’t like how I needed her, the deep aching pain in the pit of my stomach that refused to be quenched, she needed me somehow in someway. Even though, it wasn’t everything, it was a start.

I jotted down a quick note on a post-it when I sat at my desk. It was just something to remind myself of what to write in my essay later, but I knew she saw me do it. She was wondering what I was writing, just like I wonder what she draws everyday behind her desk. I even thought she imagined that it was about her the way I imagined her sketching the contours of my face or hands.

My thoughts are fantasies a lot of times, though, and I know a lot of times dreams don’t become reality. Ideas for my paper danced in my head all that day, and I knew I had at least one dream to hold on to.

---

I don’t really know who I am, and I like it that way. It leaves me room to keep growing and adapting. If you want to know a bit about my history, I can tell you that. My name is Jim Halpert, and I am a paper salesman in a failing paper business. I was born in Scranton, Pennsylvania and I’ve lived there my whole life. My history really starts before my birth, though, with the history of my parents. My mom, an elementary school teacher, and my dad, the typical blue-collar worker, shared a love that few people ever find. It was the kind of love that books and movies are based on. Their love resulted in the creation of three children: my two older brothers and me. Growing up in our house was great, when my brothers weren’t tormenting me. I was the baby, though, and my mom went through great lengths to protect me from their taunting. After a relatively boring high school career, I decided to skip the whole college thing and start working. It wasn’t really hard finding a job because there were a lot of places I could go without a college degree. I spent about four or five years working various jobs that all offered me different aspects I liked. I could never find a job I was totally satisfied with, though, so I kept searching.

On one fateful day, I read an ad in the paper that said they were hiring salesmen at the place that sold paper a few blocks from my house. (And yes, at the time I still lived with my parents. Sad, I know.) I decided to interview for the job because it had good pay, and I knew that I was good at working with people. When I got it, I was excited. The boss and some of the people that worked there seemed strange, but I was ready for something new and exciting. Not to mention, I had instantly developed a crush on the cute receptionist who had been kind to me the second I walked in the door. I didn’t really plan on making a career out of selling paper, but who really knows what’s going to happen in life? I had developed such a comfortable routine in a short time, that I was afraid to change it by quitting. That wasn’t the only thing holding me back, though. It was her, but she appears in my present too. She is the only thing that has been constant in my life throughout the years. Though she was never mine, I often imagined she was, and it was enough to keep me going each day. I grow more impatient each day, though, and I can’t continue to be a bystander. I’ve decided to live my life.

That week at work went by fast. Each day I though what to write about in my paper, and I even typed a bit on my work computer.

It seemed as if Pam was becoming more distant, but I didn’t mind. The space allowed me to clear my head, and write my thoughts down without the fear that she was lurking over my shoulder. I was ready to pour my heart out to my professor but not to the person I was in love with. It seemed strange to me that I was able to talk to easily about her to other people. It’s as if she was a part of me, and talking about her would be like talking about my hand or my nose.

It was a Wednesday morning and I could see her laughing with Roy about something out of the corner of my eye. I opened up my essay that I had abandoned a couple of hours before due to a small case of writer’s block and typed, Why me? It was probably a question I could never answer but I still had to ask. I brought my hands to my face, performing the typical “God this sucks” expression. Dwight suddenly became interested in what I was doing.

“I’d like to let you know that you’ve been wasting a lot of company time today, and I just think…”

I interrupted him before he could finish, “Hey, Dwight. Here’s an idea. Maybe you should stop wasting company time by yelling at me for wasting company time, and then less company time would be wasted.”

He just glared at me, and I smiled, victor as usual. Pam was walking over, and my smile turned into a frown. I wasn’t in the mood to get into something with her.

“Hey Jim. I was just about to ask you something. I, um…”

I could tell it wasn’t going to be an easy question for her to ask, which meant it would be an even harder question for me to answer. Once again, being the person that I am, I stepped in for a quick change of subject. A diversion, one might say.

“Were you just about to ask me what’s a better defense for an alien attack: a life size Barbie or a bazooka?”

She looked confused for a second, but smiled when she noticed Dwight’s sudden interest in our conversation.

“Yeah, how’d you know?”

“I could just tell, you had that look in your eye. So! I was actually doing research on this the other day. I mean aliens could really strike at any moment, so.”

“That’s for sure.” Her smile was huge now. It was so contagious.

“Well, experts say the Barbie is better.”

Then it was Dwight’s turn.

“That’s ridiculous. A life size Barbie, really Jim? What could that do? Maybe block like one alien tentacle. A bazooka could probably blow up the mothership. I mean haven’t you ever seen Independence Day? Case and point. Big huge alien spaceship blowing up the White House, and then BANG! We nuke the thing! And you want to leave the fate of our world in the hands of a doll.”

“Dwight you make a good point,” he looked surprised, and I had to fight to suppress a laugh, “but recent life size Barbies have martial arts fighting abilities, and are actually said to have alien brain sucking capabilities. It’s also less bulky, and it’s disguised as a human, so the aliens would have no idea.”

“Yeah, well what kind of martial arts can they do?”

“I’m pretty sure any kind. I think they’re all certified as black belts or something…”

“You’re lying! Aren’t you?”

“Well, Dwight believe what you want, but when aliens come to attack us, I know what I will be carrying. I actually already bought mine, and they’re selling fast. I think people are getting paranoid. So, Pam, you might want to stop somewhere and get one after work today. It’s just a precaution, but it could save your life.”

I could tell by her eyes that she was holding back a laugh when she said, “Thanks, Jim. You’re a big help.”

“Really, anytime.”

I looked at Dwight, who was just staring at both of us, waiting for one of us to crack so he could prove that we were lying. Amazingly, we held our ground.

“Hey, do you want to get something in the kitchen with me really quickly?” she asked. I got up and followed her without a word because I knew the next sound coming out of my mouth was going to be a laugh.

We barely made it to the kitchen before we both exploded in laughter.

“I really don’t know how you do it, Jim. That was all on the spot.”

“Oh, no, that was all true. I was just merely reciting information I googled.”

“Yeah, well Dwight bought it.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if he came in tomorrow with that Barbie.”

“That would be priceless.”

“Could you imagine?” We both started laughing again, and it felt really good. Laughing with her was one of my favorite parts of my day.

Suddenly the mood changed, and I wanted nothing more than to return to my desk.

“Hey, so I really need to ask you something.” She said it like she was scared, scared of what the question might entail. As if it would shake the very core of the relationship we had built.

“You know you can always ask me anything.” And it was that old, lovesick Jim Halpert kicking in again. The one that would’ve never taken that class at the community college, the one who was content wasting away his life as long as he got to see her. I really was beginning to hate that Jim Halpert.

“Alright. I don’t know how to say this, so I guess I’ll just say it. I feel like you’ve been different lately, or maybe it’s me. I don’t really know. Do you just feel like things are a little different between us?”

How did she always pick up on things? It’s like we were so in sync with our twisted relationship that we both immediately knew when something was off. I was hoping she wouldn’t realize how I’d been ducking out of work early a few days or eating lunch at my desk rather then in the break room with her and Roy.
I felt like my tongue was heavy when I tried to respond. It was weighed down by the truth when all I wanted to say was lies. I had become a practiced liar, but truth had been haunting me recently. Avoiding her had been the cure to this, but now she was asking such a direct question. How could I lie to her when she was staring at me like that?

“Um, well, I guess it is me. I just have gotten so wrapped up in the whole college thing, that I've forgotten about other things, I guess.”

“You forgot about me?” She looked hurt. What was I doing?

“No, Pam. It’s not like that. Listen I don’t really want to get into this here. It’s not the right time, and it’s definitely not the right place.”

“I just…fine then. Tonight. Roy has poker night with the guys tonight, and he won’t even notice if I leave. We can go to Cugino’s or Cooper’s and have dinner.”

“I don’t know Pam, I think I have some stuff to do tonight.”

“Now you’re lying.” She looked mad, and I felt guilty. I guess she didn’t realize that dinner almost meant a date, and that almost made me really happy.

“Okay, okay. How about around six? I’ll meet you at Cooper's.”

“That sounds good.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

She walked out. I leaned on the counter and let my mind wander. What was really going on? There was something she wanted to know that she felt scared to ask. I could feel it.

Why did this always end up happening to us? What made us deny the things we had? She’d be dumb to realize that there wasn’t something between us. I knew she knew too. The way she looked at me at times, and the way she playfully touched my arm when she knew Roy wasn’t around, they were all signs. Usually I just ignored them because I felt like if she was going to take a chance she would’ve done it already.

“Jimbo!” What a way to come back to reality.

“Hey, Michael. What’s going on?”

“Not much, not much. Just burning the midnight oil, you know?”

“Yeah, I guess I was just on cruise control for a second. Taking the slow road.”

“Roads? Where we’re going we don’t need roads. Michael J. Fox, Doc Hollywood. So what are you doing tonight? Got some big plans?”

“Um, not really. It’s a Wednesday, so I’ll probably just catch some sports on TV.”

“Ooh, downer. I’m free tonight. We could go get some beers. Sports are much more fun to watch when you’re plastered.”

“Yeah. Well, as much fun as that sounds, I just got really drunk this weekend. My one friend I haven’t seen in a while came to town, and I am still kind of hungover. So I probably wouldn’t be much fun.”

“You know what’s a great cure for hangovers? Suck in some milk with your nose through a straw. I tried it once, and it hurt my nose so bad I totally forgot about my headache.”

“Oh, really? Maybe I will try that laterish. Alright, I’m heading back to my desk.”

“Ah yes, back to the grind!”

“See you, Michael.”

When I got back to my desk I noticed it was 4:45 already, and I started to pack up for the day. I felt like I had a big night ahead of me, but I had no idea what was going to happen. I emailed myself the progress I had made on my essay and shut down my computer.

Mental exhaustion was eating away at me, and I wanted nothing more than to lay down with a bottle of Jack Daniel’s and forget what was going on. Michael’s idea was starting to sound more favorable then what I actually had planned for the night.

My legs carried me to the front door before I even realized what I was doing. I turned instinctively to say bye to Pam, but she wasn’t at her desk. Normally, I would’ve sought her out to tell her have a good night, but I figured I’d be seeing her anyway.

The ride home was short, too short. I felt like time was just slipping my fingers like sand. No matter how much I tried to grab it and keep it from falling, the task was impossible. Why shouldn’t I be looking forward to a night with Pam?

I was scared. I was so afraid I might admit something, and that something might bring me more pain then I was already feeling. Fears are funny. They hold you back, and stop you from pursuing your dreams. Isn’t it true, too, that most people’s fears are irrational? They’re merely there to keep people from doing the things they really want to. But maybe fear is necessary. Without it maybe everyone would be successful, and if everyone was successful then no one would really be successful. I had begun to think that real success in life was measured by a person’s ability to overcome fear, and in that case I was a huge failure.

Pulling up to my house offered no relief. Mark was probably inside with his girlfriend having the fun that I could never see to find. Maybe tonight was going to change something. Whether it was good or bad I had to accept it because I needed to change. Once again my paper flashed through my mind. Change is good.

It’s hard to feel after years of telling yourself not to, but the upcoming night was making my emotions go haywire. I couldn’t settle down. Mark kept looking at me strangely, but I ignored the looks until he finally left for the night with his girlfriend. I was alone.

The clock was glaring at me. 5:45, I should be leaving. It soon took on a face of its own, and I imagined it walking up to me and slapping me in the face. “Get up,” it was saying. Somehow I was immobile.

“I can’t do it.” Now I was talking to the clock and it responded.

“This is it, Jim. This is the night you’ve been waiting for.”

Of course the clock wasn’t talking, but my imagination made it seem that way. It gave me the push I needed, too. Though I was sure my muscles were made of lead, I pulled myself up and rubbed my face. It was time to go.

I had spent a good part of the hour getting myself ready for the night. After finally walking through the door at 5:15, I had rushed to get a shower. It had taken me ten minutes to finally decide on what to wear, as if Pam cared.

Everything outside looked different when I walked out: my car, my house, and my front yard. I pretended how it would feel to never see any of it again, and the image left me empty and hollow. My thoughts wandered as I drove to the restaurant. I imagined myself entering the restaurant and seeing her. She looked beautiful. Her curls were tamed and fell around her shoulders. She was in a breathtakingly beautiful pearl white dress, and she was glowing. Suddenly, she was running to me, and I picked her up and spun her into the most romantic kiss I had ever had.

She looked at me and said, “You’re the one I love.”

“I love you too, Pam.” And the rest was history.

As soon as that daydream faded, a new one started. She was wearing her work clothes this time, with her hair pulled back the way she always wore it. Her expression was grim, and she was wringing her hands. She made no sudden movements when I walked in, but rather only glanced at me like I was just another person walking in the door. It seemed to pain her greatly to get up, as if I wasn’t the worth the energy.

“Jim,” she quietly murmured. Her voice was filled with grief. Something was troubling her.

“Pam.” I hugged her, but it was stiff and meant nothing. It was almost as if I was hugging a cold pole or a lifeless doll.

She started talking about someone, Roy maybe, and how she needed to go soon, but I wasn’t listening to any of it.

“I love you,” I blurted out, and she stopped midsentence.

Her eyes remained emotionless.

“I can’t,” she said, and walked out.

I shook my head, relieving myself of such painful thoughts. Guaranteed I was imagining two extremes, but I felt the fear creeping in again. It was slowly eating away at me, and soon there would be nothing left.

I seriously considered going back home when I pulled up to Cooper’s, but I noticed Roy’s truck in the parking lot. I couldn’t leave her.

The door was heavy, and I felt like an idiot as I fumbled with it. Then I saw her. She was sitting on the bench, and you could tell she was waiting for something. Maybe she was waiting for something I didn’t have, something she thought I was but could never be. I felt like she was looking for a friend, a person to be by her side through no matter what.

She saw me, and I smiled because how couldn’t I? She was so beautiful. She was dressed casually, but it was a change from her typical work clothes.

“Jim!” She has a big smile on her face as she walked over to me. We embraced, and she wasn’t dead or lifeless. The hug was warm and comforting, and I felt myself relax a little.

“Hey.” I said, unable to come up with anything else. She seemed to have everything under control, though.

“Hey, I got our table already. I was just waiting for you. Let’s go sit, I’m starving.”

I followed her as she led me to the table, and I noticed how she let her arms and hips swing freely. She was happy, and it made me happy.

“So I hope you don’t mind, but I ordered some alcohol.”

“Well, that all depends on what kind it is.”

“Jack Daniel’s.” It was as if she read my mind.

“I didn’t know you were a whiskey fan.”

“Well, once and a while. I wanted to loosen up a little. I kind of got in a fight with Roy on the way home today, and I just…I don’t know.” My smile faltered, and I looked at my watch. It had been approximately one minute and she’d already brought up Roy, what a start to the night. She noticed my change in expression.

“Hey, are you alright?”

“Oh, yeah. I’m great. So where is this alcohol?”

She called the waiter over, and he poured two glasses. I sipped it cautiously. Alcohol tended to make me a little loose-lipped. That was something I definitely didn’t want.

“So, what happened with Roy?”

“It’s just something stupid. I was supposed to head to the Pocono’s this weekend with him, but I don’t really want to go. Honestly, I never really wanted to go. I was asking him in the car if he wanted to skip going and stay home for the weekend, and he got a little angry. He just loves going there because him and Kenny hang out and do whatever they do. Truth is, I always feel kind of lonely up there with his family. I’m sure he’s drunk right now with his friends, and he’s forgotten all about it.”

“That’s rough.” I took another swig of whiskey, and looked at her. She was genuinely upset, and the old Jim Halpert started to kick in. “I think that you shouldn’t let him boss you around, though. If you don’t want to go you shouldn’t have to. And if he decides to go anyway, you could hang out with me. I mean we could go to the mall or find a way to mess with Dwight. His number might be listed in the phonebook.”

“Dwight’s number in the phonebook? Jim, come on, you should know better. It’d be way too easy for a revenge seeking ninja to look him up and try to kill him.”

“You’re right. He won’t even put his number on the employee list at work. I always thought it was because he didn’t have a phone, though…”

She was laughing, and we were falling into our old routine again. It was easy to cover up the bad with the good. Joking around was just us putting off the more important, harder to talk about things.

“Jim, if he comes in tomorrow with a life size Barbie, I am going to have to buy you something. That, today, was priceless.”

“Yeah, well I figure I’ve become a professional jokester.”

“If not professional close to it.”

There was an awkward silence, but the waiter who was demanding our orders saved us. She requested a burger, and I got a chicken sandwich. I wanted something light that wasn’t going to weigh me down.

“Chicken, eh?” she was laughing at me.

“Yeah, well I am sorry we aren’t all fat kids ordering the second biggest burger on the menu.”

“I told you I was hungry!”

“Apparently.”

She lightly slapped me from across the table. She was beaming, and it was good to know that I could always make her laugh.

“So, how are your classes going?”

I choked a little on my drink, not expecting such a quick change in subject.

“They’re good. It’s really weird going to school. I thought I’d be one of the oldest people in the class, but I’m almost the youngest. I forgot what it was like to have homework, you know?” She raised her eyebrows at me. “Well, you know, homework that didn’t involve googling ways to annoy your fellow coworkers.”

There she went laughing again. Maybe she was feeling a little giddy after the alcohol, or maybe she was just in a really good mood. I was hoping for the latter.

“That’s great. I really always wanted to take art classes, but I don’t know, it’s hard to find the time. Roy’s not too hip about it either.”

I just nodded and swallowed some more Jack Daniel’s. It was starting to have an affect on me, and I considered stopping. At that second she called the waiter over and requested more drinks. I hadn’t even noticed that she was drinking, but I then saw her empty glass. I guess we both needed something to make us a bit braver.

“What are you taking?”

“Uh, business and journalism”

“Journalism, really? I didn’t know you liked to write.”

“Yeah, I kind of have since high school. I stopped writing when I started working here, but it’s always been a dream of mine to write for a sports column or something like that.”

“That’s really cool.”

“I guess it is.”

I downed my second glass as the waiter came and brought us our food. Our conversation was light and happy, and we spent the better part of the night laughing.

Halfway through her burger, she stopped eating and looked at me.

“Jim, I’m really having fun tonight.”

“Well, I am the most fun guy around.”

“Yeah, you really know how to have a good time.”

“Really? Because I was being sarcastic. People tend to find me boring.”

“That’s doubtful.”

“Well, thanks, Beesly.”

“Yeah, no problem.”

“You’re not bad company either.”

“How’s the chicken sandwich?”

“Delicious, and the burger?”

“Very tasty.” We finished our meals in silence, but it wasn’t awkward. It was a silence that we both needed in order to think about what to say to each other. Our conversations were always about choosing our words carefully. It was imperative that we never reveal too much, but just enough to keep each other coming back. At least, that’s what she did to me.

“Jim.” Her tone was more serious, and I became scared again.

“Pam?” It came out as a question, and I was pleading with her.

“What’s happening?”

“What do you mean?”

“To us.”

“Pam, I don’t understand.” And I could feel myself begging her not to go on. To leave things as they were, because everything was easier that way. It was always easier to forget about the hard things and ride on the easy ones.

“It’s just, this week…I don’t know. Something was different between us, and I didn’t like it.”

“Really? I…” She was interrupting me, her voice a decibel higher.

“Don’t pretend like you didn’t feel it too.”

What could I do? I was defeated, she knew.

“Yeah I guess it was.”

“Today, when I came up to your desk, I wanted to ask you what’s going on, why everything is changing. I feel like I can’t even control it.”

“It’s just hard, Pam, for me. I am stuck in this job, and I hate it, you know that. I can’t do this my whole life. I need to do something for me, and that’s what the college classes are about. It’s about doing something for myself. I always try to please everyone else, but I forget about me. And I think I got sick of that.” I was trying to disguise my words so she didn’t know it was all because of her, but I feel like deep down inside she knew the real reason for my despair.

“I didn’t know you hated your job.” She looked hurt.

“I don’t hate all of it. It just…I don’t know how to say what I want to say.”

“I think I get it. There are some things that keep you working there. Now, the ones that are pushing you away are getting stronger, aren’t they?”

“I don’t think I could’ve said it better myself.”

“What’s keeping you there?” She was trying to get me to confess, but I couldn’t, not here not now, maybe not ever.

“Pam,” I tried, but she just shook her head, and dismissed my answer. She wasn’t ready to hear it either.

“I think we should get the check.”

“Alright.” I called over the waiter and offered to pay, but she adamantly refused insisting that she pay her half.

We walked out the door, and I couldn’t help my mouth from running. It was definitely the alcohol.

“Come back to my house. Mark’s staying over his girlfriend’s and I’m home alone tonight..” The request was ridiculous, but I could see her turning the idea over in her head.

“Alright, I’ll follow you there.”

My smile was impossible to hide as I got into my car. I had just jumped the cliff, and there was no turning back at this point. I wondered when she would jump, or if she ever would. Maybe it was enough for her to see me falling.

My hand was shaking as I opened the door, but she didn’t seem to notice. It’s not like she hadn’t been to my apartment before because my barbecue had only been a few weeks before. The look of wonder on her face was clearly evident despite the fact that what lay beyond the entrance was no surprise to her.

The broad oak door opened into my dimly lit living room, and I rushed to turn the lights fully on. Something about a semi-dark room screamed romance to me, and anything that made this night less awkward was a start.

“The place hasn’t changed.” Her sudden declaration startled me.

“Well, you were only here a few weeks ago. Guys don’t up and change their houses every other week.”

“This is true. I don’t know, I just expected something to be different.”

She got me thinking that something was different. Maybe, in a daze, I had rearranged some things and now I couldn’t remember it. Maybe the paint on the walls was a bit more faded, or the TV was in a different position. As I scanned over my apartment, I imagined all these changes being there. They weren’t of course, but it seemed so real. Who knew that rearranged furniture would be a perfect metaphor for our relationship?

She flashed a dazzling smile at me, and I could only hope that I had done something to cause it.

“I love your place. I don’t know if I told you that before. It’s really great.”

“I like when my house is up to people’s standards.”

“Well, you’ve done a good job.”

“Thanks.” There she went, smiling at me again, and I froze for a second absorbing the image of her. Silently, I shook my head, and realized that I should be playing hostess. “So, would you like a drink?”

“You know, I could really go for a cold beer.”

“Jeez, Beesly. You can really hold your liquor, but you’re lucky because I know for a fact Mark just picked up a six pack last night.”

“Wonderful.”

After a quick trip to the refrigerator, I handed her the ice-cold beer, and our fingers brushed for just a second. The electric shock caused me to jump back. She seemed unfazed.

“So, Jim, what are the plans for tonight? You managed to get me here, now what are you going to do with me?” Maybe it was because of the liquor or maybe it was instinct, but I was immediately licking my lips in anticipation. Was she really trying to kill me?

“Well, Pam, I was hoping that maybe a movie would suffice. Perhaps, a classic,” I said as I held out the rectangular box.

“The Princess Bride! I didn’t know you had that.” The truth is, I had gone out and bought all of her desert island movies after the fire.

“It is one of the greatest movies of all time.”

“That’s for sure.”

“OK. So, you should get yourself settled, and I will pop this into the DVD player. I’m not sure if you’re a popcorn junkie like I am, but…”

“I was just going to ask you if you had some!”

“Perfect. Well, I will get that going, and you relax.”

Entering the kitchen, I let myself release the breath I had been holding. She was in my living room and we were alone. That was enough to cause my heart to race and my breath to quicken. It was hard, really, to know how to act. Work is one thing. When you’re surrounded by other people it’s hard to come off as flirty at all, but tonight was a different story.

I glanced around the corner and caught her staring at the ceiling. What was she thinking? What had her intentions been when she had agreed to come here tonight? It’s like I had a million of unanswered questions, and they were building an invisible barrier around me. I couldn’t act without knowing the answers because there was one fact that still remained. She was engaged, and I was her friend. Nothing could change that, at least not tonight.

I needed to know what she wanted from me. What purpose did I serve in her life?

“Jim!” She was calling me. What was I supposed to do? I was on the verge of tears when she entered the kitchen, and there was that smile again. It was so damn relentless. “Hey you can only watch the DVD menu so many times before you get anxious. What’s going on?”

“Oh, I was just, um, making the popcorn. Remember? You need it to feed your addiction.”

“That’s right. I’m at four bags a day.”

“Horrible, Pam, just horrible.” She was laughing, but I wasn’t. I didn’t know where my ability to make a joke out of everything came from, but it was starting to get me angry. Anytime anything was on the verge of being something, I landed some stupid joke, and we always ended up in the same place we started: nowhere.

She stopped laughing when she noticed I wasn’t, and a look of concern came over her face.

“Is something wrong?” To be honest or not to be honest, that was the question. It was always the question.

“No, I’m totally fine. Just dozed off for a second.” Once again my fear was stepping in and preventing me from saying the three words I should be saying. I wanted to let the night play out, though. She was here for a reason, even if she didn’t want to admit it.

“Alright, Pam, looks like the popcorn is done. Let’s get this party started.” And just like that, the little bit of uneasiness was gone, and we both walked back to my living room. Moments like that were just wrinkles in time, and they were easily forgotten. It’s like I was on a never-ending train ride, and it was just moments before I asked the conductor to please crash into the nearest wall.

She was saying something, but I couldn’t make out the words. All I could notice was the way she was playing with her engagement ring, the way it spun around her ring finger. The ring itself was pretty lame. Obviously Roy didn’t put much thought into it, but who would think that he would. It was that ring though, that small circle of gold, that prevented me from grabbing her right in that moment. It prevented me from shaking her and telling her to open her eyes. She needed to open her eyes and stop pretending to be the blind innocent girl she so liked to act that she was.

I remembered one time when I was a young boy and I asked my mother what her wedding ring meant. She told me that it was a symbol of her and my dad’s love. Her statement always confused me because I didn’t know how something so insignificant could mean something so extraordinary. Love cannot be defined by a wedding ring. As I grew older, though, I realized that a ring represented something more than just a bond between husband and wife. The ring, in the shape of circle, shows that there are no limits in a relationship. The simple geometry of it proves that when you truly love someone, there is no beginning or end. It’s as if you have always loved them and will always love them. A ring can’t symbolize love, but rather willingness to feel it.

Maybe she thought her ring proved her love for Roy and his love for her. Maybe she agreed with my mom and thought that the ring was a symbol of their everlasting bond, but I didn’t buy into it. I wondered if she willingly loved Roy, or if the simple gold ring was enough to tell her that she did.

And she was smiling again, for the third time, if I recall correctly, and she was radiant.

I gave one last glance at the ring, and thought that maybe she knew. Maybe she knew that it was more than just a symbol, but I think she kept it for a reason. She didn’t want to admit that she wasn’t ready for Roy or their wedding, but false appearances were her specialty, so she went around pretending. She pretended that the ring meant more to her then just any other piece of jewelry she owned. She probably hoped that one day it would mean as much as she told people it did, but I think she knew deep down that it would never happen. Because in reality rings don’t symbolize love, they represent your willingness to feel it, and she was not willing.

“Hey, Jim, have you been listening to anything that I am saying?”

“Uh, no. You know, I am having this problem with paying attention at the moment, and I’m not sure why…” But boy did I know why.

“Alright, well I was just saying how the beginning of this movie is my favorite part. I mean, just the whole chase, and the way he tricks him with the poison and the wine. It really is inconceivable.”

“Ah, you know, I am more of a fan of the whole part with him being “almost dead” and the fight scenes in the castle.”

“Yeah, this whole movie is just brilliant. Roy doesn’t get it. Every time I ask him to watch it with me, he pretends like he has something really important that he has to do right that second. Then I catch him ten minutes later watching football, or something.”

“Well, how about this? Whenever you feel like watching this, you can just come over here and watch it together. I mean I could watch this movie everyday for the rest of my life, and it would never get old.”

“I totally agree with you!”

“I’m glad I found someone who does. Mark hates this too.”

“So, are we going to watch this or not? You still haven’t hit play yet!”

“Well, you were talking remember?”

“And you weren’t listening.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot about that.”

“It just sucks for you because I was talking about something really good, and know you’ll never know what I said.”

“I think I can make it without knowing.”

“Yeah, whatever you say, Jim. I can see your curiosity already getting to you.”

“No way, Beesly, I am not wavering in the slightest.”

We were both laughing hysterically because somehow it was really funny. I am pretty sure that was due to the alcohol brewing in my system. I couldn’t even find my voice to say anything, but she did.

“I am pretty sure the alcohol from an hour ago is really kicking in now. How is that possible?”

“Who knows? Maybe it’s due to the three beers you just downed.”

“That could be it. I haven’t gotten drunk in the longest time. Roy and I don’t really go out, together, a lot so…I think the Dundies may have been the last time…”

“Pam that was, like, over a year ago!”

“I’m sorry I’m not an alcoholic.”

“You know I’m joking with you.”

“Yeah, you know I’m joking with you.”

“Wait, question!”

“Uh yes, the pretty little redhead.”

“We just had three beers each, and you said Mark got six. Does this mean we’re out?”

“Congratulations on being able to do math, but the truth is we’re not out because I didn’t know Mark had bought beers, so I bought a case of my own.”

“Yay! More beer!”

“Beesly, how are you going to drive home drunk?”

“Maybe I’ll just crash here if you don’t mind.” I was sure that was the alcohol talking, but the comment still hit me even in my slightly buzzed state. I didn’t know if I should take her seriously.

“Uh, yeah, sure, if you want. I mean, Mark isn’t coming home tonight, so it’d be cool with me.”

“Great. So let’s forget our problems and get absolutely wasted.”

“Woah there! Calm down. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you like this.”

We were both smiling again, because anybody would think that this was fun. We were having fun. Together.

“Maybe I’m not the angel you thought me to be.”

“I guess not.”

I retrieved two more beers from the fridge, one for me and one for her. I popped the caps and took a big swig of mine. I was going to have to be absolutely drunk first, just so I could blame anything that happened on my inability to function. Not that I was planning on anything happening, but everyone knows what alcohol does to you.

I came back into the living room and handed her the beer.

“Cheers,” she said.

“What are we toasting to?”

“To the best night I had in a long time.” And I couldn’t contain my smile when I sipped my beer.

“So I was thinking.”

“I thought I smelled something burning.”

“Very funny, Jim. No, but really. I was thinking that we should get this movie rolling.”

“Alright, Beesly. And now, your feature presentation.”

It was almost comical, the two of us sitting there in absolute silence watching the movie. It was an unusual silence, not one that was awkward or avoided, but one that proved contentment.

I’d been watching her more than I had been watching the movie. I wasn’t oblivious to the fact that she had started at the opposite end of the couch as me, but now was in the middle. Her hand lay just inches away from mine.

I watched as the color from the television danced on her face. She looked worried and preoccupied. I suspected that her mind was somewhere else. It was as if the movie was just a clever cover up that gave us both time to think. We needed time to think about what we were doing here and where we were going.

“Hey, Jim.” She was quiet. Maybe she was tired or lost in thought.

“Uh, yeah?”

“I probably should get going. Roy might be worried.” She knew he wasn’t, but it worked as an excuse.

“Yeah, he’s probably wondering where you are. What time is it? Oh, shit, it’s 2 o’clock.”

“I guess we lost track of time?”

“Just a little bit.”

I looked at our hands again and noticed there were almost touching. We were always so close, yet somehow so far.

“Alright, well I’ll walk you to your car. You didn’t bring anything did you? Wouldn’t want you to forget anything.”

“Nope, I just brought myself.”

“Great, let’s get going.”

There was a biting chill in the air when we stepped outside my house. Her car looked like a long lost memory, and it almost was. If only it could’ve stayed that way.

“Jim, this was great, really. I needed some unwinding. This helped.”

“I’m glad. I’m always here if you need me.”

“I know.”

She reached up to hug me, and it was unexpected. Her hold on me was enough to tell me a story. She needed someone else, but she didn’t know how to ask for help.

“Thanks again.”

And of course I couldn’t help myself. She was looking so deeply into my eyes it was as if my heart was fluttering behind them, telling her my secrets.

I kissed her. It wasn’t long, it wasn’t passionate, but it was electrifying. I immediately forgot the chilly weather, and dove into the warmth of her lips. And she was kissing me back. It surprised me enough to pull away.

“Jim…”

“I wish I could blame that on the amount of alcohol in my system, but we both know that would be a lie. I think I would be accurate in saying that you know what’s going on, but we can’t get into it here or now. You need to do what you need to do, and that’s something I can’t control. So, go, and maybe tomorrow things will be different.”

She didn’t say anything, just looked at me for a second longer before getting into her car and driving away. It was OK really. I didn’t expect her to know what to say or do, because frankly, I had absolutely no idea what I was doing.

“And that’s that.”

And it was. Hopefully tomorrow the sun would rise and bring some new beginning with it.

It’s always been easy for me to pretend to be something I’m not. I think someone told me once that the best way to cover up what you’re really feeling is with a smile or a laugh. I’ve become an expert at that. My whole life really revolves around one person. She’s the one person I wake up for in the morning, the only person I ever really think about. Her smile, her hair, her laugh, her voice, her sarcasm, her sense of humor, are just some of the traits that pull me towards her. It really sounds cliché, but it is the truth. The worst part of the whole situation is that she is engaged. We’re friends, best friends as she so often likes to put it, and that kills me. Always, though, I come in to work looking happy, I live life looking happy, and no one knows. No one ever asks, “Is something wrong, Jim?”, “Are you OK, Jim?” I’m sure if they did ask, I would just tell them I was fine. It would just be nice to know that someone cares.

I don’t know how to tell her I love her. How do you willingly hurt yourself like that? I usually think about it as suicide. One day I will tell her, I know I will. Until that day I sit in silence, looking for a chance to pounce upon. That chance my never come, but she makes up everything that is my life right now. She is my present, and one day I hope to make her my future.

Hangovers really are the sweetest things. They’re just reminders of the how much you messed up the night before, and boy did I mess things up with Pam. I am really unsure of what I was thinking, but the whole night culminated to one slightly drunken kiss that I’ve come to regret.

She had gone home to Roy. I wasn’t going to ask her to stay. That would’ve been pointless and irrelevant to the point I had been trying to prove to her. I’m not really sure if by going home, she had picked Roy or if it was just something that she had to do. Maybe it was her way of keeping with her routine: Pam and her damn habits.

Creatures of habit, like Pam, reminded me of Isaac Newton’s theories. Pam was like an object in motion that stayed in motion until acted on by an outside force. Her problem, though, was that she’d never found an outside force strong enough to stop her motion.

I tried and tried, really, for years to subtly hint to Pam that I might be her friction, that I could stop her continuous movement, but she never picked up on anything. She kept on rolling with no real goal in mind, just a hope that there would be no obstacles in her path.

And it got me to thinking. Maybe I was an obstacle, and Pam chose to ignore me. Rather then stopping, she kept diverting her path in order to avoid me and what I brought to her life. It kind of makes me feel better to think that way, though. It’s good to know that she’s aware that I am there, rather than being totally oblivious to me because sooner or later, I am going to present her with a barrier that’s too difficult to ignore. Maybe I will become a moat, or a canyon, and there will be no way around me. One day she will have to acknowledge the fact that I am there and she can’t keep constantly moving.

Laying on my couch thinking this made my head hurt worse. Why did I always go into this philosophical bullshit with Pam? Maybe I thought our relationship was too complex to put into words, or maybe it was just too complex because we made it that way.

I searched in my cabinet for some relief from the pounding in my temples, but the medicine cabinet was bare. Just great. I was already late for work, so what was the problem with stopping at the CVS on the way in?

I dressed in a hurry, forgetting to shower and shave, because honestly I could go for a rugged look this morning. I’m pretty sure I broke all traffic laws on my way to the CVS, but luckily there were no cops on patrol. Oh just how lucky I truly am.

I downed three Tylenol on my way to my car, and was final able to relax as I backed my car out of the parking space and headed to Dunder Mifflin.

I didn’t really know what to say to Pam when I entered the office, and I spent the better part of the ride over thinking of something that would sound anything other than idiotic.

I could always try a simple “Hey Pam” or “How are you, Pam?”, but that would be me trying to ignore what happened, and I was sick of that bullshit. Maybe a “We should really talk about last night,” would suffice. She might think of something to say first, saving me the trouble. Really, I had to get things out the in the open. It was long over due.

I had just about settled for “Pam, about last night…” when I opened the Dunder Mifflin door. There was one major problem, though, Pam wasn’t at her desk.

I wasn’t early, obviously, so there wasn’t really an explanation as to why she wasn’t sitting at reception like every other awful morning I walk through those doors.

Nonchalantly, I walked over to my desk, hoping no one noticed my semi-surprised face due to her absence. Michael walked by and I beckoned for him.

“Hey, Michael. Is Pam here today?”

“Ah, no, Jimbo. She actually called in sick today, the flu or something. Dwight was suspicious, but I know we can trust Pam.”

“Yeah, definitely. OK.”

“So how was your night, any good stories? Get totally wasted and do something you probably shouldn’t have?” If only he knew.

“I actually have a lot of work to do, so, uh, maybe we can tell drunken stories later.”

“I’m going to hold you to that!”

“Alright, Michael.” His total naivete never ceased to amaze me.

Really, though, where was Pam? Was she chickening out on me? I had shown up, and I had done the most of either of us. I should be the one not showing up, and she should be the one sitting here wondering where I was and what I was doing.

I checked my computer screen, 9:29, how was I going to last some seven odd hours here without her?

I took a quick glance at Dwight, and he was glaring at me.

“You were 27 minutes late today, Jim. I am adding that to your total time of latenesses, and let me tell you, this will not go unpunished.”

“Hey, Dwight, how about this? I am going to walk out right now, and then you can put me down for 8 hours of absence. Let me now how that goes.”

“Jim! Michael! Jim’s leaving.”

“What? Jim, where are you going?” Michael looked kind of concerned. It was almost heartwarming.

“Uh, Michael, there’s actually a few things I have to do.”

Michael looked unfazed, so I continued,

“They relate to my drunken episode last night.”

He smiled at that one. “Alright, Jimpants, but you’re going to have to tell me about this one later.”

“No problem.” And out the door I went. I was stopping at my house, and then I didn’t even know where I was going. Maybe I would make some grand entrance into her apartment. Roy wouldn’t be there, so there wouldn’t be any danger. It didn’t really matter where I was headed because my feet were not planning on stopping until I reached her.

Our little game was officially ending.

My mind was spinning. I wasn’t really sure what I was doing because, well, I can’t ever really remember being this bold. I mean if you looked up bold in the dictionary my picture definitely would not be there.

The car seemed to be driving by itself as I thought of things to say to her. I knew it was time to let it all out, no more holding back.

Then, as if by some coincidence, one of my favorite songs came on, and I raised the volume because, well, frankly it was the way I wanted things to turn out.

I got a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It’s brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don’t care
I’m yours, and suddenly you’re mine
Suddenly you’re mine
And it’s brighter than sunshine

I smiled because I knew it was my time. After years of hoping and crossing my fingers, I was about to so something I never thought I would. I was going to tell her everything, and I hoped, with ever fiber of my being, that she would take me for what I was.


The driveway to my house was bare and sullen as I pulled my Corolla in. A quick change of clothes was all I needed, and I hoped the familiar surroundings would do a bit for my confidence.

As I fumbled with my keys, due to my shaking hands, I realized I wasn’t even nervous. It wasn’t nerves; it was excitement. I was anxious to see her and tell her everything. The bottle of feelings I had kept from her was starting to burst.

When I finally got the front door opened, I threw my keys to the counter, and sprinted up the stairs skipping every other step. I couldn’t contain the smile on my face because this was really happening.

Then, I was stopped dead in my tracks. I must’ve gone crazy because I could have sworn that her standing there was some sort of mirage. Of course she wasn’t there, the mix of emotions was just getting to me. And then she spoke.

“Jim,” she was crying.

“Pam, what are you doing here?” I noticed my open computer on my desk. She had been looking at something.

She followed my gaze and quickly responded. “I didn’t mean to snoop, but you left it open. And Jim. Those things you said.”

“What are you talking about?”

The question prompted her to walk over to the computer, and she started reading. It somehow all sounded very familiar, and it was, because I wrote it.

“If I could plan my life out right now, I would spend everyday with her. We’d wake up and I’d make her breakfast. I’d take her on long walks and hold her hand. I’d joke with her and hug her. I’d kiss her forehead every chance I got. She would never ever forget how much she was loved, how much I cared for her. My future right now is pretty bleak. I am working at a dead end job, and I don’t care for anyone else like a care for her. She is my only ray of light. If one day, I am lucky enough to have her, I know I will be the happiest man on the earth. And people say that all of the time, but none of them ever really mean it like I do. She is everything to me. She is my best friend, my fellow jokester, my companion, my source of fun at work, my jelly bean provider, my life. If it’s meant to be, one day we will find each other, and I hope I can make her mine forever.”

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t have anything left to say. It was all right there laid out for her in black and white.

“Is this real, Jim? You mean every word?”

“Of course I do, Pam. You know that. You’ve always known it.”

“I guess it was just easier for me not to see it.” I wanted to reach out and wipe away her tears, but I didn’t know how to act. Right now, it was her call.

“And it was easier for me not to tell you. But now? Now, Pam, I can’t stop thinking about it. It eats me alive at night. This game we’ve been playing, this game, I can’t do it anymore. I’m exhausted.”

“Me too.”

I couldn’t come up with an intelligible answer, so I just looked at her. I know she could read my mind through my eyes.

“I just, you know what? I’ve been with Roy for about ten years now, and he never said anything like that to me. Never. His idea of making me feel special is buying me a sweater from Target. This is unbelievable, Jim. I can’t breathe, and all I can think about is you. Where do we go from here?”

“I don’t really know.”

“How could I stay with Roy? I don’t love him. I have been lying to myself for the longest time, and I just need to end it.”

“I could wait, Pam.”

“I know this isn’t going to be easy, for me or you, but I feel like it’s something we need to do. We owe it to ourselves to finally be happy. Because I’m not happy, and do you know why?”

I couldn’t believe this was happening. I managed to breathe out a small “Why” and prepared myself for her answer.

“Because I love you, not anyone else. And I know that now. You, Jim Halpert, are the reason I wake up in the morning. You are my best friend, my companion, my amusement, my energy, my everything, and hopefully, you can just be mine.”

Who was it that said objects our attracted to each other due to gravity, because they were definitely right. It was just gravity, something so natural, that pulled me towards Pam.

Our lips locked and this time the kiss wasn’t filled with hope and longing, rather with dreams and thoughts of the future.

Two people could really be soulmates and not know it. They could be totally unaware until destiny stepped in and told them that it had planned for them to be together all along. Because, really? Pam and I were meant to be together, and nothing could ever change that.

She looked into my eyes, and I knew that rough times would be coming, but it would definitely be worth it in the end.