It's a late and lazy morning. One of those days when he considers calling in sick just because. Because it's Thursday and he was up until two last night. Because Good Morning America just isn't providing motivation enough to face the world today. But mostly because she's back with him and there is absolutely nothing he can do about it.

But calling in sick isn't really an option. It never has been. Because that would mean talking to Pam. And even if she is back with Roy, she'd still have all kinds of questions. She'd be all concerned about what he might be "coming down with" and there would be anecdotes about her neighbor's best friend's sister who had caught something the week before and how now "it's probably going around" and maybe that's what he has.

And the whole time he would have to lie to her about his symptoms because his real symptoms: insomnia, loss of appetite, and massive-headache-inducing confusion aren't any more explainable to Pam this morning than they have been to Karen all week.

Besides, missing work would only make things worse. He finds it funny in that not-at-all funny way that he's almost always preferred to be around her to witness the tragedy of her being with Roy rather than running away to pretend it isn't happening.

("Almost always" because yes, there was a point when he just couldn't take it any more, but apparently that point has passed and now he feels like he's back exactly where he was a year ago. Only now there's Karen instead of the semi-steady stream of pointless first dates to distract him from the only person he's ever really loved.)

And what a sappy thought to have at 7:35 AM as he's brushing his teeth, right? He points this out to himself with a half-grimace half-smile in the mirror. It doesn't work so well with a mouth full of toothpaste flavored spit.

Half an hour later he's walking in the door and there she is. She looks pretty in more than her usual way. Beautiful actually. He wonders if there's some special occasion she's dressing up for, and then he guesses that maybe she just likes to dress up for Roy now. Because Roy is her boyfriend and that's the sort of thing she would do for her boyfriend.

He spends a few seconds staring at her while he's hanging up his coat. Karen's car wasn't in the parking lot yet when he arrived, and Pam's on the phone, so he knows he can get away with it. And then he thinks about how stupid it is that he has to be this covert. But he does, because technically Karen knows how he feels about Pam. And for the life of him he can't figure out how she can know and still not really know. Apparently all those years of practice in hiding his feelings from the important people (or rather the important person) in his life are paying off.

So he sits down for another day. A few minutes later Karen walks in. They exchange good mornings and kisses and then there's nothing to do but pretend to work and pretend even harder that he's okay.

***

Something's up with Jim. Pam knows it, but she can't do anything about it. Partly because he's not hers to take care of anymore, not that he ever was, but... whatever, he sort of was... a little bit... a long time ago. And partly because she's not supposed to be noticing stuff like this any more.

That was one of the main reasons for getting back with Roy actually. Roy is a great distraction. He's totally into her and that's nice, but mostly he's someone to take care of. Someone she's allowed to think about whenever she wants to. And it doesn't hurt that when Roy kisses her now he does it deeply, with more passion than he's shown since they were in high school.

She wonders if this is the story she'll be telling their daughter someday. Something like "Once upon a time in high school we were in love and everything was perfect because he was so popular and I was so amazed when he noticed me, and then we grew up a bit and for a little while I got confused and I thought I loved someone else but I was wrong, I really loved your dad the whole time."

It's a cute story with a nice and tidy happy ending. And part of her really wants it to be true. And another part of her wonders if she'll tell it anyway, just because it sounds nice.

***

It's not like she can't see it. He's in one of his funks again. But he gets this way. Kind of a lot, in fact. And though Jim is great and they have a lot of fun together, Karen knows she can't let herself become responsible for keeping him happy all the time.

What he really needs is to pull himself together. She's tried to help, but there's only so much a girlfriend can do, right? As much as she might love him... if she loves him (and at this point she'd prefer not to know one way or the other because the advantages of ignorance are many and include a rational reason to ignore so many things that she just doesn't have the energy to deal with right now.) But anyway, as much as she might love him, he has to be the one to initiate this.

He can snap out of it any time he wants. She's shown him how. Now he just has to choose to do it.

She hopes he will soon.

She has to hope it. Otherwise this whole thing has just been completely pointless.

And it would really suck to suddenly find out that she's been doing something totally pointless, especially when she's been doing it for months.

***

Things are different between them now. Pam is different. She's demanding things, but she's also dressing a lot better. Roy actually likes this side of her. He's not sure he really understands what her deal is now, but he'd like to know. And underneath it all she's still the same Pam she's always been. She's still there for him. And that means a lot, you know?

He doesn't know what he'd do without her in his life.

She looks around again at the few people still here. Her feet are tired of standing for so long and she's wishing she had picked the other dress she looked at during her shopping trip last week. This one is getting itchy.

"Hey," he says, announcing himself.

Her eyes widen in surprise at the sound of his voice and she turns around to greet him.

"Jim! Hey! I, I didn't know you were coming."

"Uh, yeah. Well, I saw your flyer, so... Just thought I'd come check it out."

She nods. "Right. Yeah."

"This your stuff?"

"Uh huh." She winces, already anticipating his negative reaction. He's always been so supportive of her art, but this is the first time she's really shown him more than simple sketches on napkins.

"It's nice. D'ya mind if I...?"

"Yeah, definitely. Look around. That's cool. That's... great."

He stays for the last thirty minutes of the show. She loses track of him once or twice as he wanders around looking at everything. She can't believe he's here. And without Karen. It feels like something she should ask him about if only they were really friends like they've always pretended to be. She can almost see an alternate version of herself nonchalantly asking him how things are going with his girlfriend. Maybe he'd elaborate a little bit on the rough patch they're going through. And then she, in turn, would dish about Roy and how he doesn't seem to get that she's changed since they were engaged. But it's such a stupid fantasy after all that's happened between her and Jim. They were never really friends like that. They pretended to be, but neither of them were ever that good at pretending.

She smiles without meaning to when he walks back to her.

"Thanks again for coming," she says.

"You're welcome. Hey do you need help with this stuff?"

"Oh. Uh, no, that's okay. I'm sure you've gotta get going."

"Oh, right, yeah." His face falls and she feels like an idiot for pushing him away after he actually bothered to come.

"Hey, Jim?"

"Yeah?"

"Um, do you want to maybe go get something to eat? I'm kind of starving." She's actually amazed when the words come out of her mouth. Perhaps she's changed more than even she knew.

"Oh. Um, yeah. Actually that sounds good." They both smile cautiously and it feels like a beginning.

***

The silences are more awkward than ever, possibly because there are more of them than there ever were before. He thinks maybe he shouldn't have said yes when she invited him to eat with her. And then he thinks really what he shouldn't have done was go to her art show in the first place.

But a second later she looks up from her burger and milkshake and just smiles at him like "Isn't it funny that this is how things are now?" It's kind of a half embarrassed, half apologetic smile.

At least they're trying, he thinks. It might be a small step, but it's still a step.

They finish eating and part ways in the parking lot outside the fast food restaurant. She waves once as she's driving past him. He doesn't tell Karen about any of it the next day. But he wonders later if she told Roy.

***

A few weeks later he texts her to see if she wants to meet him for lunch on Sunday. Karen's out of town for the weekend and he remembers overhearing something on Friday about Roy planning a thing with Kenny for Sunday afternoon. It feels a little bit wrong, but not wrong enough to keep him from doing it. Still, he's startled when his phone vibrates with a new message.

lunch sounds great :) where do you want to go?

***

It's funny how good they are at pretending not to notice that something is happening. It's been six weeks since her art show and in that time they've gone out almost once a week. But it doesn't even occur to her until the sixth week that what they're doing is almost like cheating on Karen and Roy.

That night they meet up at a bookstore. She told Roy she was going to the mall to look for shoes. She doesn't know what he told Karen.

Together she and Jim peruse the travel section. They talk about all the places they want to go. This is always how it is now. They talk about anything as long as it isn't important.

***

He leans down to grab a book about India from the bottom shelf and in the process of standing up again he comes a little too close to the scent of her hair.

"Pam?"

"Yeah?"

"What are we doing?" He's almost whispering, but they're standing close enough that he knows she can hear him clearly.

"What?"

"This. I mean... everything. What is this?"

Her eyes get wide and he thinks he's completely blown it.

"I, I don't know what you mean," she says.

He takes a deep breath.

"I don't even know what I'm doing here, you know? This is just so... familiar. I can't do it again."

"Jim, what are you talking about?"

He's frustrated now. He's certain she knows exactly what he's talking about, but getting her to admit it seems less likely than getting the sun to stop in the middle of the sky. Besides, she's got that scared look on her face again. It's all so just exactly the same as it always, always has been. And he vowed that he'd never put himself in this place again.

"Nothing. Sorry. Never mind."

"Okay." She sighs with what sounds like relief, but he can't help but notice that there's something in her expression that looks almost like... disappointment.

"Actually, I have to go," he says.

"Oh. Um, okay. Well, I'll see you at work then?"

"Yeah. See you at work."

She watches him walk away and the battle rages on in her head. She can't let him leave like this. Whatever this is that they're doing now it isn't just friendship. Much as they might both like to pretend it is.

Because in some ways it would be so much easier to still just keep on thinking of themselves as best friends. Then she wouldn't have to break Roy's heart... again. And he wouldn't have to deal with Karen. They might even be able to pull it off given enough time and a lot more energy than either of them seem to have at this point.

So even though in some ways it would be easier, she knows that in all the most important ways it wouldn't be easy at all, and in fact at the moment it's sort of killing them both.

"Jim!" She barely registers that she's breathing heavily and it takes her a minute to realize it's because she's pretty much sprinted out of the store to reach him before he drives away and leaves her in the travel section.

"Jim, wait!" He hasn't said anything yet, but he has stopped walking toward his car.
He turns to her with a blank look on his face and she jogs lightly to catch up to him. The evening is cold and the sky holds only the last pale wash of twilight. She stops about a foot away from him and it's only then that it occurs to her that she has no idea what to say.

She just sort of looks at him for a minute, shaking her head once or twice in frustration. This has never been easy for them, but it seems almost cruelly difficult right now.

"Pam, what is it?" He asks finally.

"I just... I don't want it to be the same thing all over again either." The look on his face is still blank, though his eyes are wider.

"Okay." He nods.

"Jim, I... I don't know what this is, or what we're doing, but I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?" he asks, confused. "For what?"

"I don't know! Everything. This all just so screwed up, you know?"

"Yeah. I know."

She swallows hard, trying to get her throat to stop swelling up. The last thing she wants to do right now is cry.

"So, what do we do now?"

"I don't know. I guess that depends."

"On what?"

"Just... okay, look, I just... I have to know, okay?"

She isn't sure where he's going with this, but more than that she isn't sure she wants to know.

"Pam, do you... How do you feel about me? Or us, I guess."

Her eyes widen again and she's pretty sure that if she isn't actually shaking with fear she'll start doing so soon.

"I..." It's all she can manage.

"Please?" he whispers.

The look on his face is heartbreaking, yet it's one she's seen hundreds of times before. Every time she left work with Roy. Every time she asked him about one of his dates. Every time they laughed together. It's always been there, hidden beneath his smile.

In certain small ways he's been asking this question for years. And he deserves an answer. But what if it's too late now? After all, she reminds herself, he is definitely still with Karen.

"Jim, I..." She knows what she has to do. Without giving herself enough time to think twice about it she closes the distance between them, stands on tiptoes, and reaches up into his curls to pull him down to her. She kisses him lightly at first, but it isn't enough, and soon her lips are parting to draw him in even more. His hands are around her hips, his long fingers spanning the small of her back. Neither seems willing to stop kissing, but after a few minutes Jim shifts backwards and moves his hands to her shoulders. They're both breathing heavily now.

She still isn't sure what he's thinking. His normally expressive face is just as blank as it was a few minutes ago. She tries a small smile.

He smiles back and then they're both sort of laughing with amazement, and perhaps some pent up fear.

"You know that wasn't really an answer to my question, right?" he asks teasingly once their laughter has subsided.

"Yeah. About that. See, the thing is... I think I'm in love with you." Somehow what had seemed impossible moments before isn't nearly as difficult once she actually just says it. Still, she keeps her head down, not knowing how he'll react.

When she finally looks up at him, he's not looking at her, he's looking off into the distance, but he has this smile on his face that's unlike anything she's ever seen before.

And that's when she really can't help it anymore and the tears just start falling. She reaches up to swipe at them and the motion draws his attention back to her. He turns toward her then and just pulls her into him. Wrapping his arms around her tightly, he whispers soothing things like "It's okay," and "Don't cry." But it's too much to take in.

They stand there for a long time while the sky blackens more and more with each passing minute. It's freezing cold, but she barely notices.

Eventually Jim lifts her face up to his and kisses her again. With her eyes closed and her lips against his she thinks about everything that's still in their way. But at least now all of those things are external. At least they've stopped trying to pretend for each other. Because no matter how good or bad they've always been at fooling the rest of the world, she knows now that not one of their imaginary scenarios has ever really been believable to the people they were trying the hardest to pretend for: each other.

Deep down she's always known how he felt, and she imagines that deep down he's always known her feelings too.

***

Three months later she feels like everything has finally calmed down. She never expected to be that girl. The one with all the drama in her life. She never expected to be the girl who kisses one man while she's dating or engaged to another. And she knows that when she and Jim have kids (well, if they have kids, but she's pretty sure they will eventually) there are parts of the story that she'll leave out when they ask her to tell them how Mommy and Daddy fell in love.

But more importantly she knows that she'll never have to pretend to like the happy ending. She just will. For all its messiness, for all the drama and denial-filled years they spent getting here, this is exactly the kind of happy ending she's always dreamed of.