“I can’t.”

Just hearing those words broke his heart. He suddenly wished he were anywhere else. But what else could he have done? He had to let her know how he felt before it was too late.

He thought his heart could never hurt more than it did in that moment. He was proved wrong later that night, when she kissed him back only to let him go for good.

“I think we’re just drunk.”

“I’m not drunk.” Jim smiled, knowing the answer to his next question. “Are you drunk?”

Jim should have known then, hearing her make excuses, but he let himself hold out hope. He leaned in to kiss her again, but she pulled back. She rejected him again.

“Jim.”

He knew it was over. “You’re still going to marry him, aren’t you?”

Why did he even say it? He knew from her “can’t”s and pulling away. He knew because of every time she had defended Roy’s crappy treatment of her. He knew, but he wouldn’t let himself believe it. But that look on her face told him everything he needed to know.

He turned and walked away quickly. She had seen him cry enough tonight. He wouldn’t let her see the next batch of tears that was already threatening to fall.

He sat in his car for five minutes, but she never came to stop him. So this was really it. It was over. His heart shattered again because he knew. He didn’t have the strength to keep fighting for her. And giving up was what really killed him. He decided to stop by the liquor store on the way home. He needed a Pam-cure.

----------

“I can’t.”

Just saying those words to him broke her heart. She suddenly wished she were anywhere else. But what else could she say? What else was there to say?

“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t just be your friend. I can’t have sex with you and pretend it means nothing to me.”

He looked at her with pity and sighed, “I thought we were happy. You date other men. I date other women. You agreed to this, Karen. And you’re one of my best friends. What more do you want from me?”

Karen looked deep into his eyes and put a hand lightly on his chest. “I don’t wanna do that anymore. I wanna be more than that. I’m in love with you.”

He took her hand, squeezed it comfortingly, and dropped it by her side. “I can’t do that. I’m sorry, Kar.”

She nodded and blinked back tears.

“I really care about you, Karen. We’ll always be friends.”

“Don’t. Don’t do that. I can’t be just your friend anymore.” She turned and walked away quickly. There was no way she would let Marten see her cry.

She sat in her car for a few minutes, but he never came to find her. He didn’t come to tell her he was wrong and he loved her and he wanted her to be his. So this was really it. Her heart broke and she finally let the tears fall. She didn’t have the strength to go back to what they had been. And she didn’t have the patience to wait for him to change. And realizing that was what really killed her. She reached for her phone to call her girlfriends. She wanted to go to a bar and vent before going home. She needed a Marten-cure.

----------

Karen sat in a booth nursing her beer and trying to let the alcohol and her friends drown out thoughts of Marten’s skin on hers. It wasn’t working.

“Marten is just a commitment phobic ass,” said Lucy in an attempt to cheer up Karen.

“Yeah, but I knew that. I thought I could be happy being his friend and sex toy, but I fell in love with him. That makes me the idiot.” Karen blinked back tears and finished off her first beer.

“Come on Karen, we’re your friends. It is our job to say everything is his fault,” Becca chimed in.

“Well, its not working,” Karen replied, stealing a beer from Lucy. “When did I become the woman who falls apart over a man? How am I going to survive work on Monday? What if he ignores me and acts like I’m some random coworker? Or worse, if he looks at me with pity and disdain like every other bimbo who wants to marry him after a one night stand?”

“So don’t let him,” said Allie, the always sensible one, “Don’t act like you put your life on hold until he grows up and gets over his issues. Focus on your career for awhile.”

Karen rolled her eyes. “My career? That’ll be less depressing. You do remember that I sell paper, right?”

“Well, do something about it, Kar,” Allie said as if it was obvious. “You have to focus on the future and forget about the past. Focus on getting a new job or moving up in the company. You need to make a five-year plan and stick to it. And this plan better not include Marten!”

Karen nodded slowly. “A plan for the future. I like it. My life shouldn’t be all about a man.”

Karen gulped down the rest of her beer and started looking around for a waitress. Tomorrow she would start focusing on the future. She would let her career be a cure for her love life. Tonight, though, she just wanted to get drunk and sleep with the first man she found who didn’t remind her of loves past. The anti-Marten.

----------

Jim sat on his couch nursing a beer and staring at the television, trying to drown out thoughts of Pam’s lips on his. It wasn’t working.

Mark walked into the room and plopped down on the couch. “Hey, dude. How was the casino party? Please tell me you took all of Dwight’s money.” Mark looked over at Jim and frowned, “Oh, you look like shit. What happened?”

“I can’t happened,” Jim slurred, “and using alcohol as an excuse and then I walked out and she just let me. You know, she complains about him all the time, but its all just talk. She likes being miserable. And she must be blind if she didn’t know how I…I misinterpreted? She thinks I’ll just wait around for her forever and she can have me to talk to and laugh with and still have him. She’ll never leave him. I knew that and I let myself hope that it could be…”

Jim stared into space, lost in thought. Mark sighed.

“So, this is about Pam. What did she do exactly?”

Jim closed his eyes and took a swig of beer before answering. “I told her I love her. I kissed her. And she just wants Roy.” Jim slammed his beer down and picked up a new one. “Fucking Roy.”

Mark nodded slowly and picked up a beer of his own. Dealing with sullen Jim required a buzz.

“Well, at least now you know,” reasoned Mark. “Maybe you can finally move on.”

“But I love her, man. I fucking love her so much. How am I going to survive work on Monday? I can’t move on if I have to look at her wearing his fucking ring on her fucking finger every fucking day.”

“Maybe you should start looking for another job.”

“I’ve been thinking of transferring for a while now. Oh! Where’s my phone? I have to call Jan! I have to tell her I want to take the Stamford job! I have to move there now! Now Mark.”

Mark raised an eyebrow, “You were thinking of moving and didn’t tell me?” Jim sipped his beer sheepishly. “Ok, not the point. I think you should wait and call your boss when you are less, uh, wasted. And do you really want to transfer to another branch of Dunder Mifflin? You could probably find a job at a company you don’t hate.”

Jim’s eyes widened, “No, Mark. I can’t. I can’t leave Dunder Mifflin, man. I love her. I have to leave her, but I can’t leave her leave her, you know?”

“You’re going to make a career of selling paper, which you hate, in order to stay connected in some imaginary way to a married woman you’re trying to forget? Maybe you shouldn’t make decisions when your logic is altered by alcohol.”

Jim shook his head, “You just don’t get it. You’ve never been in love with Pam.”

Mark laughed, “This is true.”

Jim grabbed paper and a pen from the table beside him and made a list:

1. Call Jan.

2. Find apartment. Pack and leave.

3. Think about selling paper. Don’t think about Pam.

4. Find the anti-Pam. Really don’t think about Pam.

Jim nodded thoughtfully. Tomorrow he would focus on his plans for the future. He would let his career be a cure for his lack of a love life. Tonight, though, he just wanted to drink and kick Mark’s ass in Halo. That was one thing he’d never done with Pam.

Karen rolled to a stop in her parking space on Monday morning and noticed Marten’s car in his regular space. Just great. She took a deep breath. Don’t think about him. Just remember your plan. If you want to be promoted within the next year, you need to impress Josh. And that means staying focused. She glanced at Marten’s car again, remembering the last time he had driven her home and how she had thanked him. She shook her head forcefully. Don’t focus on that! Focus on your damn sales.

Karen went into work and walked past reception to her desk, repeating her new mantra all the way: Sell, sell, sell. Just fucking do it.

She sat down at her desk and looked up, finally noticing the new man sitting in Alex’s old seat. He didn’t turn around to introduce himself, but then again, she had been so preoccupied she hadn’t noticed him until she was behind him anyways. She turned on her computer, deciding that meeting the new guy was low on her priority list. She needed to make an impression on Josh and David Wallace, not some random new coworker.

Karen spent the morning cold calling potential new customers but didn’t have much luck. She looked at the clock. Lunchtime. Good, she needed a break. She walked to the kitchen and started eating her sandwich. The new guy came in and smiled at her tentatively, grabbing a bag from the fridge.

“You can sit here if you want.”

“Thanks,” he said, “I’m Jim, by the way.”

She smiled a little, “Karen.”

They ate in silence for a couple minutes, until Andy came in. Karen started taking bigger bites. She did not need any of Andy’s antics after a crappy morning of making no sales whatsoever.

“Tuna!” Andy exclaimed loudly.

Karen and Jim looked up at him blankly. Karen smirked, relieved that Andy was focusing in on the new guy instead of her. Andy gestured towards the sandwich Jim was currently eating. Jim looked at it and then back at Andy.

“Oh, yeah. It is tuna, actually. I’m Ji—“

“Big Tuna! Whats up Big Tuna? How’s your first day, Big Tuna? If you have any questions, just ask me. I went to Cornell, and I’ve been working here for years. I’ve seen it all.”

“Ok. But actually I’m not new to this. I transferred here from the Scranton branch. My name is—“

“Andy Bernard! My name is Andy. Mind if I sit here with you, Big Tuna, sir?”

Andy dropped into the seat next to the new guy without waiting for a reply. Karen stood quickly, giving the new guy a sympathetic glance before rushing back to her desk. Behind her, she could here Andy bragging about his a capella abilities. Karen grinned to herself, glad Andy had a new coworker to annoy. She stopped in her tracks when she saw who was at her desk. The grin faded quickly from her face, and she felt panic creeping into her chest.

“Marten. Can I help you with something?” Karen impressed herself with her ability to sound calm and cold.

“Karen, I think we need to talk.”

She looked around for an escape, but he was sitting on her desk, and she really needed to get back to work if she wanted to really get started on her five-year plan. She stood there awkwardly, staring at her computer, waiting for him to speak.

“Karen, c’mon. You’re not gonna give me the cold shoulder forever, are you? I was thinking we could go get a drink after work? Maybe things can still be like they were.”

Now she was getting mad. Did he not hear what she’d said on Friday? How could he think things could still be the same? And if he didn’t stop talking to her soon, she was going to yell at him. That would not be good for her new professional façade.

“Now isn’t the time, Marten,” she hissed at him. He looked at her with wide eyes. She had never turned down a chance to drink with him before. Then again, she’d never told him she loved him before Friday night. Things change.

Luckily, she felt someone tapping her arm for attention. She jumped and turned around. It was the new guy. What had he said his name was? Big tu—no, wait, that was just Andy being Andy.

“Karen, right? I was hoping you could help me with something,” he said. John? Or Jim maybe? Possibly Jack.

“Uh, sure.” She looked pointedly at Marten, who just sighed and slunked off back to his corner of the office. “So, what can I help you with, new guy?” She said teasingly, hoping to cover the fact that she had no clue what his name was.

He grinned. “I just wanted to say thank you so much for abandoning me in there with Andy. I’m so glad to have a nice normal friend like him at work.”

Karen rolled her eyes and smirked at him, “It’s not my fault you didn’t eat fast enough. So did you actually need help with something or what?”

“Not really. It just seemed like you were having an argument and…” he trailed off as Karen narrowed her eyes and stared carefully at her desk, “Um, sorry if I overstepped my boundaries, but you were standing right over my desk,” he said charmingly, like it was some kind of joke. She could tell he was trying to make her feel better for being caught in an awkward situation at work, but her life was not a joke, damn it. And she didn’t need saving.

Karen shook her head. “Thanks for trying to help. But mind your own business.” She sat at her desk abruptly and got back to her work. She let herself sneak a peak at the new guy once he had turned around. He was actually pretty cute, despite those huge ears. And she couldn’t deny that he was charming. Maybe he could be her rebound. Help her forget Marten. Or even make Marten jealous. She mentally chided herself. No, no, no. No more work relationships. And don’t let yourself get charmed and sidetracked by some new man. That’s how you got into this mess in the first place. Just do some paperwork, make a few more sales calls, and go home. Alone.

Karen didn’t look up from her work for the rest of the afternoon. And she didn’t think about new guy or Marten once. Well, maybe just once. But she let it slide when she finally made a sale.

----------

Karen was worried. There was a camera crew coming to film their office starting next week. And her transformation at work was being overshadowed by the success of the new guy. Jarred? Tim? He was such a suck up. He always offered to lead every sale and every project Josh brought up in meetings. He always came in early and worked late. Did the man have no life outside Dunder Mifflin? She was working extra hard lately to avoid Marten, who had almost given up trying to talk to her after work every day. She was no match for new guy, though. Maybe he is using work as an escape, too. Maybe he is hurting, and selling paper is all he can bear to think about right now. She thought about all the time she had spent at home, unable to sleep because of the dreams about Marten that plagued her. She had started taking paperwork home from the office just to have something to obsess about late at night other than the memory of his rejection. Nah, no way is new guy as pathetic as I am.

Karen was worried that the cameras that were coming to film them would catch her glancing at Marten. Or maybe they’d see him waiting to pounce on her at the elevators on Friday afternoons. This was less frequent lately, but he still seemed to hold some hope that they could go back to being as close as they had once been. And she couldn’t stop staring at him during the day sometimes. Usually when Andy was being especially annoying, and she would remember how Marten used to help her deal with him by playing minor jokes on Andy. She laughed as she remembered the last time she’d had to stay late with Andy. Andy had become drunk while working, and Marten had snuck back into the office and stared throwing things at Andy and singing to him from across the room, making him think he was hallucinating. All because Karen had sent him a simple text saying ‘Andy overload!’ Karen stopped laughing when she realized the new guy had turned around to give her a questioning smile. She grimaced. Had she really been laughing out loud? She looked across the room at Marten. He was so cute when he had that intense look on his face as he stared at his computer. Stop it. This is not helping, she scolded herself. If the camera crew had been here today, she would have looked like a crazy person. Then again, they probably didn’t care about the personal lives of the employees. It wasn’t a documentary about interoffice romances. She wouldn’t have anything to worry about. Probably.

----------

It turned out she really didn’t have anything to worry about. The camera crew had followed new guy (Jim! That was his name!) here from the Scranton branch and all they seemed to care about was him. She didn’t know who would watch a documentary about some boring office worker who was always sucking up and being an overachiever, but the camera crew only asked her questions about Jim when they took her aside for an interview. That was perfectly fine with Karen. She preferred to be out of the spotlight. Though with Jim sitting right in front of her, she was only barely out of the spotlight. The camera’s were constantly pointed at him, which meant they were constantly pointed towards her. But that was okay too. The cameras just gave her extra motivation to focus on her work. Avoid being interesting to avoid being watched.

Karen’s new work ethic was finally beginning to have an effect on her sales record, and she was proud of what she was accomplishing at Dunder Mifflin. Even if it was just a paper company. If everything went according to her plan, which was working so far, she would be working at corporate in a year. Sixteen months tops. She successfully ignored Marten, and everyone else in her life for that matter, for weeks. She was starting to feel burned out, though. She brought work home every night and did nothing but work for weeks. It was exhausting. So when Allie invited her out for beers after work one day, she didn’t even think about the fact that this was the bar Marten went to every Friday after work. She was just grateful to get out and have a little fun with her friend.

Karen and Allie drank and played pool and talked about everything that had been happening in their lives. Though Allie did most of the talking. After all, she loved her teaching job, and she had just moved in with Jason, her long-term boyfriend. Karen felt that she didn’t have a lot going on in her life lately. She had been running on auto-pilot. She had become a boring paper saleswoman. That realization depressed her, and she lost count of how many drinks she had somewhere during their third game. As Allie talked about the perils of living with a man, Karen just nodded along dumbly and tried to line up her next shot.

“So then I just bought a new bookcase because Jason is obviously not as handy as he thinks he is,” Allie laughed to herself, oblivious to Karen’s lack of enthusiasm at her story. “Hey Kar, I’m gonna go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back. Don’t cheat.”

Karen nodded and set down her pool cue, tired of sticks and balls, and needing to sit down. She walked to the bar and sat on a stool, waiting for Allie to return so she could ask for a ride home. Karen had had enough “fun” for one night.

“Hey beautiful,” an all too familiar voice whispered behind her, “can I buy you a drink?”

Karen grinned and closed her eyes, leaning back onto his shoulder. He turned her head gently and kissed her mouth passionately. She threw her arms around him and momentarily forgot that he didn’t love her the way she loved him. She forgot that she had promised herself she wouldn’t do this anymore with him. All she knew was how good it felt, how right and familiar it felt to return to this. He lifted her up of the bar seat and intensified the kiss. She pulled back slowly and smiled at him.

“Mmm,” he moaned, “I’ve missed you so much, Kar.”

Karen smiled as she told herself he wouldn’t have come up to her if he hadn’t changed his mind about their relationship. She thought that he wouldn’t have done this if he wasn’t ready for a commitment. She thought this could be the start of something real and something great.

“I’ve missed you, Marten.”

“Wanna get out of here?” Marten winked at her seductively, and she couldn’t say no to him. She loved him so much. And she forgot about all the reasons why they had stopped seeing each other. And she forgot that Allie would be back any minute. She forgot every part of her that was strong as she let him lead her out of the bar and back to his apartment.