Phyllis

1. She wasn’t always like this.

When she was sixteen, Phyllis was thin. And not thin, as in average or slender. She was skinny. Years of walking to school, competitive swimming, and a diabetic mother had caused her to become so thin, the doctor asked her to gain weight. After moving out of her parent’s house, she began to put it on. Slowly but surely, her hips became full, her stomach plump, and her self esteem lowered. Her mother was no longer there to buy healthy food, she no longer swam on her high school team, and she bought a car. She supposes now that loneliness was probably a factor. When men were scarce (she was Scranton, after all), or her friends moved to Philadelphia or New York to make something of themselves, she would just eat.

2. She’s always had a little crush on Jim.

He’s just so cute. So funny, so obviously intelligent, so…tall. She secretly thinks he’d be amazing in bed. Those strong arms, his long body and big hands. The first time she saw his hands she thought “you know what they say about big hands…” and immediately blushed and giggled to herself. Stanley looked up at her with his big watery eyes and she immediately got back to work. Of course, she now has Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration, to think about and dream about. But before now, Jim occupied just a few too many of her thoughts. She, at least so she likes to think, was the first to see his love for Pam. At first she was a bit disappointed, but then she thought about the fact that she was twenty years his senior, and realized that, really, who was she kidding?

3. She still wants kids.

When she was fourteen, she and her girlfriends would plan their entire lives out on a piece of thick paper (ultra white cardstock) and on it on their wall. She wanted four children, a handsome, caring husband named Doug and a large house in the suburbs. Two boys and then two girls. That way the boys could protect their little sisters, the way her brothers would when she was young. She would have a picket fence, a small garden and a blue minivan. Years later, in her thirties, she thought about adoption. But the idea of having a child that wasn’t hers just didn’t sit well. Call her old fashioned, but Phyllis wanted the joy of looking at her child and seeing herself in their features. Now, she’s much too old to even think about having children. Bob Vance had a vasectomy anyway.

4. She doesn’t hate Angela.

Phyllis tries not to use the word hate. She very strongly dislikes her. One of her favourite moments of working at Dunder Mifflin, and it’s been a long time, was catching Angela with Dwight. Not the sight of it, obviously, but because from that moment on the tables had turned. Finally she had some kind of leverage on the small, bitter blonde woman who had dominated the Party Planning Committee. Life was good.
At least until she told their secret to everyone.

5. She has never been this happy.

Not in high school, not in college, not during her twenties or thirties. After marrying Bob Vance, Phyllis has been living the life she dreamed of as a teenager. Dinner dates, movie nights, flowers at work…sex. They even had sex one time while out to lunch with Jim and Pam. Not that Pam or Jim had any clue, but secretly, Phyllis wanted Jim to know. Not in a sexual weird way, but the part of her that had had that tiny crush wanted him to know she was…satisfied. Yes, these were the days of her life. She told her friends that and they laughed. They all had mortgages they couldn’t afford, husbands they didn’t love, and houses full of teen angst. Even though she had to deal with Angela and Michael and Creed everyday, she went to bed every night happy. She had love, peace, a discount on paper and refrigerators, and the opportunity to travel and learn and grow old with Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.

Jim

1. He lost his virginity to a girl named Karen.

He was eighteen, and nervous as hell. His friends had all had sex before, with random girls at parties named Kim or Nicole (like they could remember), or with their girlfriend of two months, the sound of Boyz II Men or Pearl Jam heard softly in the background. It just never happened for him. He was the friend. The one you can count on not to make a move on you. So when he met Karen, the pretty college sophomore studying Journalism at Columbia, he told her he was twenty. It wasn’t that far off, but his boyish face and lack of muscles almost gave him away. When they went out for drinks (he got in, thank God) he acted aloof, like he didn’t give a shit about her feelings. And it worked. They had sex in her dorm room. As soon as it was over, she had to study, so he left. He tried to keep in touch with her, but he guessed later on that his skills in bed weren’t exactly honed yet. He never told Karen Filipelli about the other Karen. He didn’t want her to think that was why he was attracted to her in the first place…even though it kind of was.

2. He refuses to watch football.

Sometimes Pam, always a creature of habit, will turn on an Eagles game for him while they cook dinner. She used to have to switch off her show while she cooked for Roy, so that he wouldn’t miss one precious second of the game. Now she does it every night. She never came out and told Jim why, but he can tell. Because of this, the entire sport is ruined for him. He can just picture Roy sitting on the couch, a beer in both hands, yelling to Pam for more meatloaf while he stares at the screen. Jim knows that’s probably not what actually happened, but maybe something like it. Occasionally, on Thanksgiving or at a Halpert Family Reunion he’ll play with his brothers, but he can’t help but feel like he’s betraying Pam. Like he’s turning into a thoughtless boyfriend who ignores his beautiful girlfriend. Like someone from her past. He was always more into basketball anyway.

3. He already has all of his kid’s names picked.

Olivia, Isabelle, Ben, Patrick. Not necessarily in that order. Jim had always wanted kids. Even when he was a teenager, and pretended that he wanted to be a bachelor forever, like Hugh Hefner, he knew he was lying. But, come to think of it, who can actually say that Hugh Hefner hasn’t fathered more kids? If you look at the numbers…
He’s always wanted his daughters to have Pam’s hair, eyes, smile, nose, ears, eyelashes, and personality. And everything else about her too. But then later he realized that he’d have to buy a shotgun or something for all the horny little tween boys who would obviously fall in love with them. He thought that Ben and Patrick were names of nice boys. The kind that were in Boy Scouts and baseball, who loved their mother. The kind of men who opened doors for women, and became Pediatricians or owned bookstores. Not that he had expectations. When he told his ideas to Pam, she said he was adorable. Great.

4. He actually loves Scranton.

People seem to see Scranton as industrial, boring, lame. Not to Jim. Growing up in Scranton was amazing. You were just a few hours away from New York City, Philadephia, beaches, lakes, amazing camping spots. His parents took him and his brothers for a road trip to Canada once when he was eight. They all fought constantly, and the trip was more than stressful for his parents, but that was when he realized how much he loved his home. Not that there was anything wrong with Montreal and Quebec City (in fact, they were awesome), but he realized how close Scranton was to the rest of the world. It always had been and would be Jim's home. While they were in New York for the interview, Karen had asked him why he stayed in Scranton, when he could so easily move somewhere better. He just looked at her. Why would you not stay in Scranton? Sure, two years ago he was bored with his job, depressed with his love life, eager for anything new. So he moved. He hated Stamford, and not just for the obvious reason. His favourite diners, restaurants, parks, rec centers, stores, libraries, all were in Scranton. Pam was in Scranton.

5. He loves Pam more.

Ok, so this isn’t exactly a secret or a quirk. Jim is pretty sure that his feelings for Pam are constantly tatooed across his face, because when people see them together, they give him a look that says “I think I’m going to vomit if you don’t stop staring at her”. Like he cares. Pam is easily the most important person in his entire world. Well, she is his world. His friends ask him how they manage being around each other day and night. He tells them that she’s his best friend, that he would rather be around her all day, goofing off and pranking Dwight while doing a job he hates, then be anywhere else. They just suit each other. When he couldn’t figure out what to do with Dwight’s car when he left his keys on his desk, it was her idea to park the car in the warehouse. They laughed their entire lunch break watching Dwight run around the block, chasing the so-called “perps”. That was until he body checked an old woman walking her poodle, and sent her to the hospital. According to Dwight, it was the perfect crime. Who would suspect her?
…Whoops.

Creed

1. He was a nudist for forty years.

Ever since the sixties, Creed Bratton was a nudist. They were simpler times. No one cared what you wore, how you wore it… if you wore it. It was free living all the way. That was, until some nosy old woman came in and got all up in your business. By the seventies, he and his brethren Nudist’s were forced to live their lives in more liberal places, like San Francisco or Burma. By the eighties it was nude beaches, hedonist resorts, and the privacy of your own home. The nineties were a tough couple of years. He was forced to expose only parts of himself. But really, what’s the problem with hanging a little brain? By 2002, Creed Bratton was forced to stay clothed in public, according to some law. Like that stops him.

2. He has kids.

At least, he thinks he does. There’s really no way to be sure. Looking at the number of women he’s had protected sex with, the number of women he’s had unprotected sex with, and the number of… others he’s had sex with…. There’s probably quite a few little Creed Bratton II’s running around. The unfortunate thing is, their mothers probably couldn’t have found him, had they needed anything. Whether he was visiting his family in Thailand or going under another identity, finding Creed Bratton can be quite the task.

3. He went to war.

Creed Bratton is a lover, not a fighter. When the news of a draft first surfaced, he thought about moving away. He’d always loved Canada. Apparently the weed in British Columbia is excellent. Then one night, he saw the actual footage of the war on his friend’s television. Vietnam was filled with palm trees and cute little huts. What a wonderful place to go! So he signed up, figuring he’d do his part, then find some nice land and start a rice paddy. It was a bit different. Lot’s of fighting, guns, blood, dirt. Everything was grey. A few weeks later he got shot in the foot by…someone, and went home. That was the end of that.

4. He was in love once.

Back in 1962. Her name was Layla. She had long blonde hair, big blue eyes, the body of a supermodel. They met at a gay bar in New Orleans. He was feeling experimental one night, and went to Manhole with some of his buddies from the farm. There she was serving up apple martinis and cosmopolitans; an angel. He went over and asked for a beer, the next thing he knew they were going on a road trip to Miami with six of her hot friends. That’s when he had his first orgy.

5. He thinks the receptionist is smokin’

Of all the women in the office, she is by far the hottest. Of course, now she’s off limits since she got engaged to the tall guy. Sometimes at lunch, he and Kevin will discuss how she looked that day, making up codes for her breasts. Then, the little blonde one will walk in and ruin all the fun. Now that she’s a salesman, he has an even better view of her desk. It’s perfect, because he could not look at the redhead anymore. He thinks she should wear her hair up more often. She would look like the librarian that moonlights as a stripper. Yes…that Paula could totally be a stripper.

Andy

1. He made up the name Nard Dog.

It happened by accident. He and his bud got totally WASTED one night when he was at Cornell, and thought of nicknames for each other. His bud thought of “Dawg”, like Stanley would say it, but then Andy totally added the Nard. He’s been using it ever since, hoping it would catch on, and his co-workers would use it as a verb. “You totally Nard-Dogged the s*** out of that sale, Nard Dog!”. They haven’t used it yet, but 10 years is a rather short time for a new word to become used in regular conversation…. Right?

2. He dropped out of Cornell.

Just for a month, and he totally got back in once his father explained the situation (and possibly donated a library). His buddies from Here comes Treble had decided to go on tour across the great state of Pennsylvania singing at nursing homes and petting zoos. It was a great gig. After a while he kind of got sick of old people and goats, so he decided that he should go back to school. Plus, he missed all the babes. Chicks just aren’t as babe-a-licious once they pass 70, or are surrounded by kids and goats. Once he got back to Cornell he met Joan, the sexiest law student he’s ever hit on (and there have been a few). He said to her, “Would milady like to beer me a snog?” in his best British accent. He almost got to first base that night.

3. He is a hopeless romantic.

When he was five years old, he met his first girlfriend. Well, that’s using the term girlfriend a tad loosely. She threw wood chips at him when he told her he loved her. His first real girlfriend, Liza, broke up with him because he came over every night with some of his buds and sang “I will always love you” by Whitney Houston. 10 years and 4 girlfriends later, he began to back off. Women just weren’t responding to his homemade singing-cards and surprise acapella performances at work. One night, he brought his blind date to the movies, and ran into his parents, who happened to be there. She thought it was “weird”. Oh well. Andy Bernard is a total catch. He has beautiful periwinkle eyes, almost-washboard abs, an eco-friendly car (hellooooo Cameron Diaz), and is the fourth best salesman in the office. Oh, and he graduated from Cornell, one of the best ivy league schools on the Eastern Seaboard. Ever heard of it?

4. He plays the ukulele.

He started in fourth grade, and fell in love. His teacher told him to keep it, hoping it would instil a love of music in him. It totally did. It was great for finding a pitch during a performance with Here Comes Treble, as well as the occasional accompaniment for songs like “Over the Rainbow” and “Every Rose has it’s Thorn” by Whitesnake. He finds that the ukulele makes a great conversation starter, especially with the ladies. When his frat house had a party (and let him come to it), he would pick out a woman that he could tell appreciated a good ukulele player. Usually he was wrong; they didn’t like it. Once in a while though…

5. He auditioned for American Idol.

It was stupid, really. He sang “I am Beautiful”, by Christina Aguilera. Randy said he was “Righteous, dawg”, as though that was a bad thing. Paula was obviously hiding her admiration in a humoured smile when she told him he was cute. Simon said he was horrible, in that stupid British accent. Why would someone fake an accent that horribly? That was when it happened. Rage blackout. He threw the water he was given on the camera, and was escorted out by security. As he was leaving he called Ryan Seacrest an “un-educated loser who totally didn’t go to Cornell”, and followed it with a loud (and pitchy) “Roo-doo-doot-doo-doo!”. He never saw himself on the gag reel.

Dwight

1. He had a pet bear as a child.

Really, how else would he know so much about their habits? When he was just a junge, Mother allowed him to go to the forest, to prove his worth as a man (as all men ought to do). While spending the night in a cave, he came upon a small cub. He named it Adolfo, and brought him home the next week. Adolfo was his best friend. They ran in the east field, wrestled next to the pond, and he even would go outside to eat his meals with his hairy friend. When he was twelve, he bleached Adolfo’s tail, and his own long hair blonde, as a sign of solidarity. Eventually, Adolfo grew too large, the playful wrestling turned into painful fights, running became chasing, and Dwight feared that he would become the meal. At the orders of the village, he released his best friend into the wild, and quickly began to study the lives and ways of the greatest beast.

2. He isn’t religious.

Statistically, it doesn’t add up. Who could possibly hear the calls of 6 billion people simultaneously calling to them? Besides Jack Bauer of course….
The idea of “God” answering prayers and creating miracles is laughable. What about the time he asked for a Battlestar Galactica theme for his birthday, and instead he got a beet party? People have clearly invented religion for themselves to feel safe during floods and earthquakes, and this so-called “Holocaust”. Whatever. Dwight Schrute does not need religion to feel safe.
He pretended for Angela though.

3. He got into Harvard.

Harvard Law, specifically. He only applied in order to bring the idiots who kept stealing his father’s hemp to justice. After a while, he realized just how much was wrong with the world, and the things he could do with a law degree. Who else would sue Erin Brokovich for being annoying? He got in, and was planning to go to Massachusetts when he realized the one thing that he could not bring with him: his beets. Where in the Boston suburbs is there room for a beet farm? And later, God willing, a quaint B&B? After hours of careful deliberation, he decided to decline his acceptance. It was hard, but he had to do what was right. Years later he realized that he could never be a lawyer; he needs to live for himself, off the land his grandfather had cared for. He was so glad he picked paper sales and agro-tourism.

4. He loves Frasier.

It is the only sitcom on television that he will watch. Seinfeld, Friends, Sex and the City? Only idiots watch those shows. He bets Jim watches each one every night.
Dwight doesn’t tell people about his love of the spin-off, however. Sitcoms, even the best ones, are for weaklings who can’t handle the real-life intensity of Mantracker. Frasier is smart, funny and always seems to get himself into the most hilarious situations. His favourite character is Daphne, Martin’s caregiver (even though she’s more then a bit stupid). Dwight likes to think of himself as a caregiver, always providing safety and food and warmth. The one person he’s ever really cared for has always seemed to appreciate that. If Dwight wasn’t such a good farmer, he could see himself in Seattle, perhaps hosting a radio show. The trees, the rain, the proximity to Canada. He thinks Adolfo may have gone to Canada. He may or may not have heard of a bear (with a peculiar blonde tail), that was so comfortable around humans that it had killed several people in downtown Vancouver...

5. He was in love.

Dwight Schrute has never admitted that. Except to one person. Love isn’t something that happens in the Schrute family very much. More often then not, marriages were based on land, rivalries, or beets. Dwight had always thought that he would marry some nice distant cousin and he would be content. How wrong he was. He knew he was in love the moment he saw her the morning after they had first consummated their union. He was in the kitchen with Mose, making her a big breakfast (if she was to bear his children, her hips should be at least two inches wider), when she walked in. She was so nervous, so shy. Blushing when she realized how messy and unkempt her bright blonde hair was. She looked just like one of her figurines of the Virgin Mary. Well, except for the virgin part. He asked if she wanted to stay for the day. She quietly said, “I would love that,” in her beautiful voice. He almost had Mose wed them right then and there.

Note: Well, my Dwight chapter got no reviews. Was it not good, or did people just review other chapters instead? I would LOVE some reviews for this one :)



Pam


1. She tried to date.

After Jim left for Stamford, things got pretty lonely. She quickly realized just how much she relied on Jim to entertain her. The few girlfriends she had from high school and college just didn’t get her the way he did. So she went on a few blind dates, some Kelly had set up, one from Phyllis, and she may or may not have stood up Meredith’s choice. The dates were fine. She made a joke about Dwight and machine guns that someone else would have gotten, but Bill or John or whatever his name was didn’t. She met one guy on her own. She went for after-work drinks with Toby and Kelly, and he came up to her, asking if he knew her from somewhere. Pam, being inexperienced with men, didn’t realise it was a line and politely said no. Ten minutes later the waitress brought over a beer (which Meredith stole) and his name and number on a napkin. His name was Jim Anderson.

2. She had a best friend.

They met in kindergarten. Her name was Jessica Oliver. She had long red hair and freckles, and had absolutely no discomfort with meeting new people. They bonded over the fact that Susan McDonald got caught pulling Pam’s hair, and now had to have a time out during Craft Time. They became best friends. Throughout the years, Jessica was always “the popular one”, and Pam forever felt like her sidekick. In high school, she was head cheerleader and valedictorian, leaving Pam to hold her purse as she made her speech about dreams and values and never giving up. Being friends with her had its perks, however. Pam was always dragged along to parties and homecoming games, and was always introduced to cute football players and college guys. That’s how she met Roy. After high school, Jessica went to Northwestern while Pam went to Marywood, and slowly but surely they lost contact. After Diwali she almost called her, but every time Pam tried to dial the numbers she lost her nerve. It would have been nice to have a best friend that year.

3. She wants it to be a boy.

Don’t get her wrong, she really just wants the baby to be happy and healthy. In a perfect world though, she would have a boy, and then later a girl. When she was little and was picked on when her hair was too poofy, she would have loved an older brother to look out for her. When she was in middle school, a brother would have been handy to let all the older guys know that she was off limits. When she was in high school, she wished she had an older brother to weed out the jerks from the good guys, and to protect her from a boy who wouldn’t appreciate her. That might have saved her a lot of time. Now, she wants that for her future daughter. Not that Jim won’t be chasing away every young boy who knocks on their door with a baseball bat anyway.

4. She really did love Roy.

You don’t stay with someone for ten years without a reason. When she was seventeen and had never had a real boyfriend before, she fell in love. She fell in love with him when he ran up into the bleachers and kissed her after he won the football game. She fell in love with him when he told her about his dreams to become a firefighter, and how much he loved his grandma. She fell in love with him while they went on road trips to Boston or Philadelphia, albeit usually because he had tickets to a football game, where they would spend hours just talking or singing along to music from “the good old days”. The passion and the laughter and the romance slowly faded through the years however, and instead of happiness and commitment, they were left with boredom and the realization of how little they actually had in common. But when she was seventeen and relatively naïve, and he was cocky and felt as though the world was his, they loved each other.

5. She loves Jim more.

She isn’t exactly sure when it happened. Probably somewhere around that time he came up to her desk and made her laugh. What she does know, is that she could never love anyone else the way she loves him. On Thursday nights when it’s her turn to pick the movie, she always picks a romance. It’s not because she feels romance deprived or is sick of watching Die Hard (because as much as she‘ll never admit it, Die Hard never gets old). She picks them because the couples remind her of them. Jack and Rose, Romeo and Juliet, Scarlett and Rhett… Jim and Pam. They might not constantly declare their adoration, and they might not have sweaty and passionate sex in the back of a vintage car (…or do they?), but the love is most definitely there. It’s there when he kisses her forehead or calls her “Beesly”, or when he tells her she’s beautiful and she tells him he’s pretty too. Roy and Karen and Katy and every other person that’s stood in their way can suck it.

Note: I’m not really feeling this chapter. I don’t really know why. You know what I was feeling? NIAGARA. My mom came home to find me weeping, listening to Chris Brown on repeat.

Oscar

1. He always knew he was gay.
Ever since he can remember, Oscar Martinez knew he was different. Of course, growing up in a Catholic household, learning of Saints and Martyrs and God, he didn’t originally assume he was gay. He was just different. When he was six years old, his best friend Andrés told him about the girl he had a crush on, Lupe. As his friend continued to chatter on about how they were going to get married the next day under the tree by the swing set, all Oscar could think of was who he should marry. Immediately he thought of Manuel, the boy who sat next to him in school. That really freaked him out. Over the years, he realized what his feeling were, and that talking about it with his friends and family would not be a smart idea. Once he left for college in California, he began to tell more and more people about his sexuality. He had his first boyfriend that year, his name was Miguel. Miguel...like Michael...

2. He likes Angela.
Sure, she’s angry and uptight and completely prejudiced against him, but he can’t help but feel sorry for her. It’s not her fault how she was raised, the ways that her family taught her to treat people who are different. Against his better judgement, he really thinks she is a good person, just buried in loneliness and Bibles. Yes, his family is religious, and yes, he went to Church and Sunday School and everything else growing up, but he can’t help but think that she really had it forced upon her. Like her father was a Reverend and her mother was the Virgin Mary Re-incarnate. He once invited her out to lunch after an accountants meeting at Corporate. She said no. The next day however, she brought him a copy of “The Bible For Dummies”... so there’s that.

3. He wants to get married.
They say that every little girl dreams of their perfect wedding. All stereotypes aside, when he was a young boy, Oscar imagined his. It was supposed to be in the summer, in the Catholic Church he went to every Sunday, with it’s cream colored walls and beautiful stained glass. Never did he think that he would end up somewhere that not only refuses to recognize homosexual marriages performed in Pennsylvania, but all gay marriages performed anywhere in the world. When he was younger, and each new boyfriend felt like “the one”, he thought about moving to Massachusetts or Canada. Now, he’s 42 years old, single, and probably never going to get married. It’s a shame, because he always wanted to be a father. What adoption agency in the continental U.S. is going to give a single, middle-class, Mexican homosexual a baby? Maybe he can have one of Angela’s cats or something.
...Nevermind.

4. He wishes he were more impulsive.
That’s the one thing about himself that he is really unsure of. He has always been the good, stable accountant. He always pays his bills right away, never goes on vacation anywhere that doesn’t have clean water, always lays out his clothes for work the night before. For once he’d like to just go crazy. Maybe wait a few days before paying his bills. Maybe picking out his clothes in the morning. Maybe he could go somewhere without fresh water. It would still have to have access to bottled water (he’s not an animal). He used to find solace in the fact that Pam and Toby, the people he most got along with in the office, were just the same as him; scared. Then Pam gets her act together and calls off her wedding for another man, and Toby moves to Costa Rica. Not only is he being impulsive, but he decided to go somewhere with barely any clean water. Muy, muy tonto.

5. He has a straight-crush on Salma Hayek.
Because, really, she’s just hot. She’s voluptuous and beautiful and completely sexy. Once, while he and Gil were watching Entertainment Tonight he wondered whether his crush on her made him straight, or at least bisexual. Then, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt came on. It was at the sight of them that he realized that that just wasn’t possible. He looked at Brad Pitt, and felt a Salma Hayek-like excitement, and then looked at Angelina, and felt nothing. That was the moment he knew, no hesitation, that he was gay. No straight man in their right mind would look at the most beautiful woman in Hollywood, and feel so...bored.

End note: Muy, muy tonto, means “very, very stupid”, for anyone who’s curious.