One.



“So, even if I’m going to slow down, you’re saying I need to hit the clutch?”

“Yes! My God you’re a slow learner. How did you ever pass high school math?”

“Woah, Beesly. Stop right there. I don’t know if you realize that you are talking to the Honorary Student of the Year in Pre-Calculus”

“Honorary? Isn’t that just a fancy word for ‘you didn’t win, but we think you’re alright anyway?”

“Hm. Maybe. What kind of honorary awards did you win, then?”

“Superb Achievement in Stick-shift driving”

They were both laughing at the comfortable banter between them, easing both of their nerves as Jim approached his first hill driving Pam’s stick shift car. She had offered to teach him how to drive stick since he was considering buying a new car, and wanted to save money by going for the manual transmission. It had become a routine for them. On their lunch break, Pam would toss him the keys and he would pull out like a scared teen as they went to the local deli to pick up sandwiches—for him: Ham and Cheese, and for her: turkey on a roll. He made fun of her endlessly for not choosing any condiments, cheese, or even lettuce. She would always respond that she was set in her ways; she had been having turkey sandwiches every day since high school.

As he pulled into the parking spot at the Old Street Deli, she commended him on his progress, noting that she was impressed with how he knew how to downshift after the hill without her even telling him. He smiled a nervous smile, hoping that she wasn’t on to him. He reached for the emergency brake at the same moment that she did. Her delicate hand brushed on top of his, and lingered almost as if it wasn’t an accident. He felt hot, like every nerve ending in his hand was on fire at her touch. The fire flooded to his face, and he was sure that he was blushing. He was also pretty sure that she was burning a hole into his knuckle right now, and if he looked down he might throw up from the inevitable exposure of his raw flesh and bone. But he didn’t dare move before she did. He looked over to her, and she was smiling too, looking down and blushing as she slowly and deliberately moved her hand back to her lap, clenching it and rubbing it with her other hand nervously. “That’s not your hand to hold,” she told herself, “no matter how unbelievably soft it was.”

That day, she ordered a buffalo chicken panini.

“I thought you were ‘stuck in your high school ways?’” he asked her playfully.

“Yeah, but I’m beginning to realize my high school life is over. I need some changes.”

Two.



She’s drunk, he kept thinking. She didn’t mean that. He tried to make his body realize this, but he couldn’t stop trembling and yearning for more. Her kiss had only lasted half a second, but this feeling was bound to last him a lifetime. He cursed himself for not being ready for it. He didn’t want to take advantage of her of course, but he wished he had seen it coming so he could at least have wrapped his arms around her. He stuck his hands in his pockets, as deep as they would go, practically ripping through the seams of his pants, just to restrain himself from pulling her back in. He stood paralyzed, frozen by her essence as she skipped to Angela’s car humming an unrecognizable tune. Pam pulled open the car door and sat down, as he prepared to continue standing there like an idiot, just trying to comprehend the magnitude of what just happened. The car didn’t move, and about a minute later the door burst open as Pam stumbled out and threw up in the bushes. He heard a snide remark from Angela, as she sped away. Pam collapsed on the grass, clutching her knees and started to cry. He had to do something.

“Hey,” he said, squatting down next to her.

“Go, Jim. I don’t want you to see me like this,” she replied, choking on her words as stuttering as she vomited again.

His hands came out of the depths of his pockets to rub her back and pull her up.

“Don’t say that. You could never do anything to make me not want to see you.” He held her arm as he steadied her up and walked her to his car. “I’ll take you home. I won’t even care if you throw up in my car. Just please, promise me that you’re gonna be okay once you get inside?”

She shrugged. Even in her drunken state, she wasn’t sure if she would be okay. And she wasn’t thinking about the alcohol. She wasn’t sure if she was okay with Roy. Would he even be home tonight? Did she even want him to be home?

“Okay,” he said, trying to ease her. “Let’s just get you back.”

He opened his door for her and gently lowered her down, pushing her hair behind her head so it didn’t get caught in her vomit stained lips. His heart was throbbing at the prospect of everything that had happened tonight—Pam kissed me. I held her. I brushed her hair. It was everything he could have asked for…just, not in the right circumstances by any means. He was careful not to take his touching any further than friendly support, worried that she might remember the next morning. Of course, he didn’t think that she was going to remember much tomorrow morning.

She fell asleep within two minutes, lulled to calm by the steady vibrations of the car wheels and the pavement. He turned down the radio and looked over at her constantly. At one point, he was so fixated on the way her eyes were so lightly closed and the small cavity that her lips formed as they gently pressed together, that he had to swerve to avoid an oncoming car. As the shrill of beeping ran through his ear, all that mattered at that moment was whether or not that sound had woken her up. Wow, he thought to himself, driving with Drunk Pam is probably more dangerous than driving drunk.

He pulled up to her house, not wanting to turn off the car and especially not wanting this night to end. He leaned back in his seat for a couple minutes, just trying to take in everything that was happening. He wanted to analyze everything about the way she looked tonight, etching it into his memory to play back for the next few weeks. He started with her feet; crossed over each other with the right one pointing slightly up. Her legs, with a tear in the stockings that peeked through to a series of four freckles in the shape of a rhombus. He was just getting to her knees when he saw the lights flicker on in her house. Shit, Roy.

He got out of the car and opened her door, unbuckling her seatbelt and carefully lifting her up, trying so desperately not to wake his sleeping angel. She groggily opened her eyes, and stepped out, leaning on him for support. She tripped on the driveway, scaring him half to death as he gripped her so hard he thought he might have broken her arm. He decided it would be much easier to just carry her the rest of the way, so he pulled her up into his arms as her head fell against his shoulder and legs folded over his wrist. He couldn’t think about the fact that he was now carrying the love of the life to the door, for the sheer impossibility of the situation would shock him into dropping her. Instead, he had a mission. He had to carry her to the door safely. Think about Grandma, Jim. Or laundry. Or Michael Scott. Just don’t think about the fact that the only woman you’ve ever needed is lying helplessly in your arms, nuzzled against your shoulder, and practically pushing her breast into your chest. Don’t. Think. About. It.

He didn’t have to think about it when Roy opened the door, sending him back to his harsh reality that this was not his life, and it never would be.

“She had too much?” Roy grunted, seemingly unbothered by the fact that Jim was holding her. Jim wanted to slap him at his oblivion. No, she clearly had the perfect amount as she passed out in my arms with vomit dripping from her lips, he thought.

“Yeah. She threw up a couple of times. Just take care of her, okay? She could probably use some water.”

“Don’t tell me how to treat my fiancée, Halpert,” he said defensively. Jim soon realized that he too was drunk.

“Er, Okay..well, here you go..” he said, trying to pass Pam to Roy in the same position. He didn’t open his arms for her.

“PAM!” Roy screamed. “SNAP OUT OF IT!”

She opened her eyes, shaking her head and grabbing her forehead amidst a series of groans and whimpers. Jim bent down, lowering her feet to the floor and holding her shoulders as he straightened her out.

"Take it easy, Pam," he said, waving as he turned away and heard the door slammed shut. He hoped to God that their bedroom was on the first floor, and that Pam wouldn't have to walk upstairs tonight. He mentally punched himself for actually thinking about their bedroom, confirming that it did in fact exist, a facet of her life that he had always blissfully ignored.

He heard screaming from their house, but couldn't make out what Roy was yelling at her or what she was yelling back. He pulled away, for fear that if he stayed and they continued screaming, he would probably break down the door and do something really regrettable and possibly even illegal. He drove home alone that night, something that he was used to, but he kept hallucinating Pam sleeping in that seat next to him.

Three.



"Attention Everyone, the Fun Christmas Party will be starting at 2:45. There will be singing and dancing and laughing and DRINKS! So please ignore any other parties scheduled for today."

Jim laughed, albeit slightly uncomfortably, at how Pam and Karen were making Angela give a dirtier look than he had ever seen her give before-- and that was saying something. He watched Pam approach Karen, as he heard her say "There will be drinks?" Karen nodded. She was good at leadership stuff like this. "

Yeah. Could you run out and get some? I'm setting up the Karaoke machine with Darryl."

Pam looked at her feet, as she murmered self-consciously "Sure, but I uh..I don't have a car today. Mine's being repaired and I didn't have another ride...I uh..took the bus."

Karen seemed unfazed, clearly not noticing how much strength it took for Pam to admit in front of the whole office that she couldn't find anyone to take her into work today. "Oh, okay. Jim can take you, right sweetie? We need Malibu, Absolut, Wine, um... oh and some eggs for the eggnogg."

Jim's eyes widened as if he had just seen Michael Scott whip out an acceptance letter to Harvard.

"Would that be O.K Jim?" Pam asked meekly.

"Yeah, of course." he said, standing up. "Let's go."

They walked down to the parking lot, making awkward conversation as he opened his car door for her like the gentleman that he was. The ride to the Gerrity's was only five minutes, but he found himself pacing in his head trying to think of things to talk about on the ride, trying to prove to himself that nothing had changed and they were still the same people. He needed to believe that.

She sat down and buckled up, knowing just as well as he did that this ride was going to be awkward if none of them did anything about it. "Hey, remember the last time we went to Gerrity's? And we bought Kevin 69 Cups o' Noodles?"

He laughed, glad to see that she was easing the situation and more than happy to escape to a less complicated time int heir relationship. "That was great. And don't forget American Pie 2"

She laughed too, "How could I forget? He watched that on his computer for weeks afterwards."

They quoted lines of the movie back and forth, and soon it was like nothing had ever happened between them. They were still just Jim and Pam. Jim and Pam, best friends. Jim and Pam, Jim who was still pining for Pam to love him. Pam, who was pining for Jim but could never tell him.

They shopped around, getting the items that Karen had requested and also buying some snacks and a couple of knick knacks that they would enjoy. Jim pulled off gourmet cat food from the shelf. "Well, Angela's had a rough day. We should probably get her something nice." and threw it into the shopping cart.

Pam laughed and replied "Okay, but now we have to find a bib. We wouldn't want any of that to dribble over her lovely Christmas sweater."

"Oh Beesly, you're horrible!" he said, thinking that she was anything but horrible and in fact was quite wonderful.

They paid for the groceries, Jim picking up the bill even though Pam had bought dish detergent and teabags for her house. He refused to let her ring up solo, and she was quick to appease him since her finances were slim these days. He popped the trunk of his car as they loaded the groceries in, and once again he opened the passenger door for her. As he started the engine, they reflected on their purchases and their expectations of the Fun Party. Conversation flowed easily, until it came to a halt with only two minutes left on the trip. It wasn't really an awkward silence though, just kind of both of them enjoying the moment and thinking about what every little action of today meant. She sighed deeply, and it looked like she was going to say something. He wasn't ready for her to say anything. Not now.

"Hey, let's listen to the radio," he said quickly. Before she had a chance to say anything, he reached for the button and the first station that came up was 101.4HITZ as Avril Lavigne's nasally voice permeated any sense of romance that was left between them. "Oh, God, " he winced, "What is this crap?!" He motioned to the tuning button, trying to change the station, as she grabbed his wrists to stop him.

"No, wait! I love this song," she exclaimed as she bobbed her head and sang along. "Hey Hey You You I don't like Girlfriend, no way no way, think you need a new one"

He slammed on the breaks as they pulled in the parking lot, not knowing if she just genuinely liked the song or if she succeeded in saying what she had tried to before.

Four.



He did the right thing. Right? He did what he had to. He had to do it. He had no choice. He couldn’t fake through his life anymore. There was only one thing that was real to him, and he had to chase that. He had waited so long for that, and he wasn’t going to let anything stand in the way. He shouldn’t feel guilty about giving himself a chance to fall in love.

Okay, well maybe he should feel guilty for leaving Karen stranded at a water fountain in New York City without a ride back to Scranton.

But that didn’t matter. She’d figure out a way back, she was a smart woman.

He was still trying to justify himself as he rang her doorbell, hoping that she would give him a reason to let him know it was all worth it. All the waiting, all the heartbreak, all the nothingness of his life up to this moment would all be worth it. As she opened the door smiling, radiating actually, he knew it was all worth it.

He practically dropped the flowers as he gave her the once-over. He handed them to her, hands shaking, as her fragile arms and freshly manicured hands reached out to accept them. She welcomed him inside as she fixed a vase for the beautiful assortment that he had agonized for hours to choose. He went for the most expensive bouquet they offered—roses, daisies, tulips, and tiger lilies. His roommate told him he was coming on too strong, but he didn’t care.

“Jim, these are beautiful!” she said happily, in pure joy that this moment had finally come for them.

“You’re beautiful,” he said so quickly that he didn’t have time to question whether or not it was corny. But seriously. He looked at her again, auburn curls falling softly at her shoulder, pinned back by a rhinestone beret to reveal the diamond stud earrings that sat on her soft lobes. Her face, accentuated by the shimmering highlights of her eye shadow, as he cheeks glowed and complemented the pale red matte of her lips. She wore a sleeveless black dress, falling just above her knees and the neckline plunging to where the crevice of her cleavage just began. It cinched at her waist, emphasizes her small frame, but hung modestly over her hips. As she reached up to her cabinet to grab a vase, he noticed how perfectly the dress clung to the swells of her ass, and he thought for a second that he was going to pounce on her and they wouldn’t even make it to dinner. She walked with the vase and flowers in hand to the sink, as he got to see the full outfit in his glory. Red heels. Wow.

“Beesly..are you trying to kill me? I mean, really. How can you wear that and expect me to make it out to dinner?”

She laughed the nervous first date laugh. “I can change if you want.”

“No. I don’t want. You look…amazing. Ravishing. Stunning. Perfect.”

She walked over to him and stood on the tips of her heels to plant a light kiss on his cheeks. He felt lightheaded from the touch, and held on to the edge of the counter for support.

“You can look at me later. Come on, we have reservations,” she said, winking at him suggestively. “Where are you taking me by the way, anyway?”

“That is one secret I’ll never tell.”

“Well if that’s your only secret, then I feel pretty bad for you because I’m about to find out in probably ten minutes.”

He laughed.

“No, I have more secrets. I’ll tell you them all tonight,” he told her as he opened the door to the car and lowered her in.

He stepped around to his side, and pulled out of her driveway heading in a familiar direction as she blurted out names of restaurants that she thought he might be taking her.

“Il Tradito? La Famiglia? The Kitchen? Mario’s? Kotobuki? Meson Ole? Can you at least give me the type of food? It would narrow down the guessing.”

“Hmm… let’s see..the type of food….well, I would have to say that the type of food…”

He rambled on, not really saying anything, just keeping her gaze locked on his so she wouldn’t notice that they had actually pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant. She looked up at he saw a familiar smile grow across her face.

“Cugino’s! How could I not have guessed Cugino’s!”

He turned off the car and looked at her happiness with a satisfaction, glad to see that he was the one who made her smile now. “Do you remember Cugino’s”

“Of course I remember Cugino’s.”

“You know, some would call Cugino’s our first date.”

“Well, it is now.”

“So you’re saying that the last time we went to Cugino’s was nothing?”

“Oh stop. Of course it was something. But now it’s even more, it’s our first real date.”

“What was it back then?”

She paused before she opened her lips to say something that was momentous for both of them. “The day that I realized that Roy might not be The One for me.”

Jim felt the words inside him, he literally felt them flowing through his bloodstream. And his blood was flowing, too, out of his head and straight to his lips and possibly other places. He lifted his hand to her chin and tilted her towards him as he leaned in to meet her lips. She moved her lips at his lead, wanting more, wanting more of his tongue and more of him, but he pulled away. He could see the look of disappointment in her eyes, and decided to show her the only reason he pulled away.

“So I figured as long as you were going to tell that secret, I might as well tell one of my own.”

Her disappointment faded to intrigue. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. So you remember all the times we would practice driving stick shift?”

“Obviously! How could I forget?! That was like, a whole year of my life!”

“Yeah. I’ve been driving stick shift since high school.”

She put her hand over her mouth and could feel her eyes watering up as she consciously blinked back the tears, not wanting to ruin her eye makeup but more importantly not wanting to ruin this moment. He pulled her hand away from her mouth and kissed her again, this time not pulling away, not ever wanting to pull away.

They were two hours late for their dinner reservation.

Five. He felt unbelievably guilty for letting her sit on that bench alone. They hadn’t been in a fight or anything like that, in fact they never really had a serious argument. He didn’t know fathers were supposed to bring the car around. If he had known, he would have done it. But the thought didn’t even occur to him, and even if it had for a fleeting moment, he probably would have brushed it off because he didn’t want to leave her—them, in the hospital without him.

He ran to the car, sprinting and sweating reminiscent of the suicides he would run on the basketball court in high school. He was pretty sure that he was running faster than he ever had before, even during his two-on-one breakaway in the championship game. It was as if he was trying to outrun a hungry lion, his strides covering more and more ground each time that his foot slammed on the pavement. He had already made one mistake, and he had to fix it as damn well as he could. He was a bad father already, screwing up before they had even left the hospital. He ran even faster, trying to escape his thoughts of being a bad father.

He knew there were more constricted speed limit rules in a parking lot, but it didn’t matter. If he got a ticket, so what? He needed to get to Pam and Cecilia. What if something happened to them? What if there was a baby stealer and Pam was too weak to defend it? What if there was a rabid squirrel that jumped out of nowhere? Or worse, what if Dwight had found them and was proceeding to mark the baby in some inhumane manner?

As he pulled up to his wife and child, he slammed on the breaks and hopped out of the car, only to get back in it three seconds later to put it in park. There they were, sitting peacefully on the bench. He checked for signs of baby stealers, squirrels, and Dwight, and was relieved when there were none. Pam’s smile was contagious, as she proudly told him that CeCe was finally taking her. He sat down next to her, putting his arm around the two of them, marveling at the miracle of life, the miracle of motherhood, and the miracle of true love.

Neither of them cared that the car was illegally parked, or was wasting gas, or that a security guard was rapidly approaching. They sat there blissfully, admiring CeCe’s small hands and small feet, and beautifully green eyes as she squirmed in her mother’s lap. Pam was afraid to move, worried that CeCe might not take in any other position. Jim was happy to just sit there and watch.

CeCe pulled away and snuggled her little head up into the crook of her mother’s shoulder, and soon her squirming stopped as her eyelids gently fell over her and began to sleep. Pam was ton between looking down at their child and looking up at Jim, and started to cry in amazement.

“We did it,” she said to him, “We really did it.”

“Well, you did most of it,” he said with a little bit of a laugh in his voice, not wanting her to miss out where credit was due. “But I got the car.”

He opened the door to the car and took Cecelia from Pam’s hands as he fastened her into the car seat, handling her like precious glass or the Queen’s china, not wanting to cause a scratch or a stray mark for the life of him. He shut the door gently, purposefully not making the slightest of sounds that might startle CeCe. He opened the passenger door for Pam, but she hesitate before she said anything.

“Don’t you think I should sit back there with her? I mean, what if she wakes up and she can’t find me?”

He almost laughed at the question, but he saw the worry in Pam’s eyes and knew at that moment that she was going to be the best mother the world had ever seen. He wanted to let her sit back there, but he couldn’t.

“She’ll be fine. I want you next to me.”

Pam nodded as she stepped into the car and leaned back against the seat in exhaustion and closed her eyes. Jim remembered one time that he had seen her like this before, and had to stop for a second just to revel in how far he had come.

“Hey, Pam?”

“Yeah,” she said, with eyes still closed.

“I love you so much.”

“Love you too,” she replied. It wasn’t much longer before she was completely asleep, and Jim laughed at how both her head and CeCe’s fell heavily to their left sides.

He drove home slowly, careful not to make any sudden movements that might irritate his sleeping beauties. He kept his left hand on the wheel as he held Pam’s hand with his right, feeling her exhaustion flood into him with the collision of their skin. As he pulled into their house, he quietly opened CeCe’s door first and brought her upstairs, introducing her to her new home and laying her down into the bassinet they had set up next to the bed. He tiptoed down the stairs, wincing at every creak, as he went back out to the car and lifted Pam out of her seat and into his arms. He carried her up their walkway, pausing in the doorway to again revel in the nostalgia and the perfection of this moment. He took a deep breath, bringing him back to reality, as he held her closely all the way to their bedroom, where he tucked her in and collapsed next to her, looked around, and said a quick prayer to thank God for how perfect his life was.