Scenario #1 (Pam’s POV):  Coffee

This was it.  She was about to ask Jim Halpert on a date.  Pam’s heart was pounding as she saw him enter the break room by himself.

Well, not exactly a date, per se.  She didn’t want to put too much pressure on him on his first day back at Dunder-Mifflin Scranton.  So she had decided that she would keep it low-key.  Ask him out for coffee tonight.  Work up her courage.  And on their coffee date, if things went well, she’d ask him out for real (or maybe he’d make it easy on her and ask her out instead).  Despite how hurt she had been that Jim had up and left her after the casino night last May, she couldn’t help but get her hopes up.  The last time they had seen each other, they shared a kiss that was so hot it prompted her to cancel her wedding to her fiancé of several years.  And now she was single and Jim was back, and they could pick up where they left off.

She walked into the break room, watching Jim punch a foreign letter-number combination into the vending machine, where he reached in and retrieved a beverage decidedly different from grape soda.

“Hey,” she smiled at him as she approached.

“Hey.”

“What happened to grape soda?”  Yes, tease him, that’s a good way to get the ball rolling, she thought to herself.

“Oh, yeah, I’m trying to move away from that.  Getting into more of a bottled water phase,” he replied with a little smile.

“Ohhhh, you’ve changed so much.”  It was true.  He did seem different.  And, if she was being honest with herself, he was acting a little cooler towards her.

“Well, I’m evolving, Pam.”

She laughed nervously.  What in the hell was she supposed to make of that comment?  Still, she barreled forward, undeterred- she’d chicken out if she didn’t ask him right away.  “So when do I get to hear everything?  Are you… still getting unpacked or… you wanna grab a coffee or something after work?”  There.  She had spit it out.  Nothing to do now but wait nervously for his reply.

“Oh, um, tonight, actually, no.  I’m um, just still getting settled, so-”

“Oh, yeah, no, you know, whenever.”  Things were unraveling by the second.  She should have taken the hint when he said that he was evolving.  Evolving away from her, he must have meant.

“Okay.”

“Oooohkay.  Sorry to interrupt, I-,” Michael broke in.  She wasn’t sure if she’d ever been so relieved to hear Michael Scott’s voice in her entire life.

“Nope.  You’re not interrupting anything…..nope I’m-,” Jim tried to explain to him.

And….there was another dagger through Pam’s heart.  Jim telling Michael there was nothing to interrupt?  She was only asking him out on a date.  Or for coffee.  Whatever.

She slumped down as Jim and Michael made awkward, one-word exchanges.  Then Jim turned to her.

“All right….I should probably get back to work.  Right, for work,” he mumbled.

“Yeah, no, me too,” she faked a smile as best she could.

“All right,” he turned and walked away, leaving her alone.  Eyes starting to brim with tears, she did her best to clamp down on them, especially since she knew the documentary cameras would likely be zoomed in directly on her.

The day just continued to suck worse and worse with each passing hour.  First she had to deal with the tenseness of the conference room as Tony got humiliated, then fired.  Then she had to see Karen and Jim and their joking around as they left the building to check on their cars.  The nail in the coffin was watching Karen put her hands all over him, her Jim (well, at least the Jim that she wanted).  They were dating; Pam was sure of it.

To top it all off, even Vance of Vance Refrigeration didn’t save the day; one of her tire sidewalls was weak and when he went to pump Pam’s tires back up it had ruptured.  She knew how to change a tire and that she had a spare, but the sun set early this time of year and the parking lot wasn’t very well lit at night, so she wasn’t looking forward to fumbling around in the dark.  She should have thought to make Michael change her tire since he had gotten her into this whole mess, or simply run down and asked Vance to stay longer.  But she’d been so tongue-tied after seeing Karen and Jim together that way that she’d slinked back to reception, shocked, and stayed there.  She continued to avoid human contact as much as possible for the rest of the day, deciding she’d rather change the tire herself than have to converse with anyone else.  

Finally, work was over and Pam made her way to her car.  She had just retrieved a flashlight and was inspecting the damage to her tire when she saw Jim approach her out of the corner of her eye.

“Hey, do you need some help?” he asked her, sounding concerned.

Pam shrugged.  She’d had such a lousy afternoon that all hope that she’d had at the beginning of the day had pretty much disappeared in a puff of smoke.  Still, she and Jim were alone, and he was offering to help her.  That was something, she supposed.  “If you’d be willing to hold the flashlight for me while I change this, I’d appreciate it,” she said casually, gesturing to the spare she had just fetched from her trunk.

Jim smiled.  “Wow, that’s a real boost to my masculinity, Beesly,” he teased her.  “Though, sadly to say, you can probably change a tire just as fast- or faster- than I can.”

Pam laughed, but she felt tense.  She didn’t know why- there was no way in hell she was going to ask him out on a date now- but being alone in the dark with Jim unnerved her. 

Jim did an excellent job holding the flashlight right where she needed, and he also did the heaviest lifting, pumping up the jack and moving her tire into her trunk.  Together, they completed the task in just a few minutes.  Pam sighed with relief- at least there was one less thing to worry about.  She was going to have words with Michael tomorrow regarding his little team-building exercise, that was for sure. 

Jim glanced at his watch, then spoke up.  “Hey, I have plans in a little while, but I’m free for the next half hour or so, if you still want to get coffee…,” he let the invitation dangle in the air between them.

Pam had a decision to make.  Jim was seeing someone else, and she hadn’t really had time to come to grips with it yet.  Should she decline?  But when she looked at Jim more closely, at his kind eyes juxtaposed with his wry, sarcastic smile, she realized that she really, really missed him.  And not just the memory of him kissing her breathless, either.  She missed Jim Halpert as her best friend, guard up or not.

And Lord knows that Jim settled for being friends with her even though he made it quite clear on casino night that he had wanted something more.  Now it was her turn. 

“Sure,” she said, faking a bright smile.

Jim glanced at her spare tire.  “I’ll drive,” he said.

She got into his car and he drove them to the nearest Starbucks.  She hadn’t really meant coffee, literally; at this time of night she’d prefer not to have the extra caffeine.  She really just wanted someplace where they could be alone and talk.  Wanted being the operative word- because she had no clue what they would talk about now.  If Jim wanted to center their conversation around Karen Filippelli, she might scream.

Pam ordered a Chai tea latte; Jim got a black coffee.  She got out her wallet, but Jim brushed it away with a wave of his hand, and Pam’s heart broke just a little bit more.  He’s paying for me, and we’re not even dating.  The sweetness of his gesture quickly faded, though, in light of a realization that just dawned on her.  I’ll bet he agreed to take me here specifically so that he could tell me he’s with Karen now. So she was getting a pity drink.  Or a guilt drink.  And he didn’t know it, but a consolation drink.  Not that it would help- unless perhaps it had three or more shots of alcohol.  But they were at Starbucks, so no such luck.

Sure enough, after a few minutes of small talk he dropped those dreaded words.

I just feel bad, I feel like things were a little weird today, or something.  I just think- I should tell you that I’ve sort of started seeing someone, and, uh-

At least Pam was prepared for it.  She’d had time to get her defenses up.  So that instead of crying, or being too shocked to say anything, she replied that he could do whatever he wanted, that they would always be friends, that it was good to have him back.  And it was all true.

After she said it, for a while all they could do was sip their drinks in silence.

What were they going to do now?  Pam was still reeling from the events of today.  But then it occurred to her that she should do what she does best – denial.  Just try and pretend that nothing weird ever happened between them at all.  We’re friends- she’d just told him that; she needed to act like it, no matter how much her heart might not have been in it.  So she changed the subject in an attempt to loosen their conversation.  Michael’s antics at work today were an easy target, so she made a witty remark about the Integration Celebration, to which Jim chuckled authentically.  There.  Hopefully that will lighten the mood, she thought.

She began asking him questions about Stamford, what it was like there.  Jim, finally seeming to let his guard down a bit, began regaling her with tales of the more interesting things that had happened since they’d last talked; his brief stint biking to work, Josh playing Dunder-Mifflin and selling out to Staples, the R.I.P. Stamford hats that Andy Bernard had made. 

Pam talked, too, telling Jim about what he’d missed over at Scranton.  She’d seen firsthand a couple of the “future Dwight” faxes and thoroughly enjoyed watching Dwight read them.  She brought up the frenetic responses of everyone in Scranton to rumors of the branch closing- Michael and Dwight’s attempt to confront David Wallace at his house, Creed selling off Dunder-Mifflin property for quick cash, Meredith’s sex pact.

For a few precious minutes, at least, it felt like things were almost back to normal- or at least as normal as they could be post-casino-night.  Filling him in about Diwali and about Michael’s outrageous marriage proposal to Carol in a cheerleading outfit reminded Pam that she’d never heard back from Jim after texting him that night.  Pre-casino-night Jim would never have ignored her like that.  Still, their talking just now began to remind her her of their most recent (and amazing) phone conversation as she was telling him about her “28 Days Later” snafu. 

Until eventually they both ran out of particularly amusing stories to tell each other from the last few weeks and yet another silence came over them.

Finally, Jim broke it.  “So- do you like her?”

No need for him to elaborate on who ‘her’ was, of course.

Jim was seeking her genuine approval- he had an earnest look in his eyes.  And they were friends, always would be friends- she had just told him so.  So now Pam was stuck.  She didn’t know Karen very well, obviously, but she’d seen enough to at least get a first impression. 

I like her.  I like you.  I love you.  I’m in love with you, actually.

She spoke carefully.  “So far, I do.  She seemed really nice.”  She thought of the sweet compliment Karen had paid her at the beginning of the workday, about her favorite sweater, hand-knit from her mom.  It was providing her with some much-needed comfort at the moment, like a hug from home.  She pulled the edges of the sleeves over her hands.

Jim gave her an awkward smile.  “Good.” He said. 

Good.  Who knew that one little word could feel so crappy.  Pam faked another smile.  She was glad the day was almost over, because she’d been faking them all day, and it was exhausting.

Jim stood up from their table.  “I’m actually going to go meet Karen now.  So we should probably get going.”

Pam nodded stiffly and stood up from their table.  They threw their coffee cups in the trash and Pam felt her heart break a little more as Jim held the door open for her on the way out of Starbucks.  Though when she got to the door of his car, she was on her own.

It was a quick drive back to the office- just a few minutes.  Jim pulled up to her Yaris, now with the spare tire attached.  He didn’t put his car in park. 

“Well, I’m glad we had this little talk.  See ya tomorrow at the office, Beesly,” he said, flashing her a smile as he reached for his cell phone. 

“Yeah, me too, see ya,” she tried to sound as casual as possible, taking the hint to open the car door and begin to get out without further dialogue.  But Jim must have hit send right away, because a few moments later, before Pam was able to shut the car door, she was treated to hearing Jim say “He-ey, where you at, Filippelli?” to Karen in one of those soft Jim drawls.  The voice that he usually reserved for her.

She quickly slammed the door so that she wouldn’t have to hear anymore.  As soon as Jim pulled away, the tears started flowing and they just wouldn’t stop.

Scenario #2 (Jim’s POV):  Or something

Apparently the bottled water, the lack of grape soda, the remark that he was evolving hadn’t sent her a clear enough message.

Pam had just asked him out for coffee.

So when do I get to hear everything?  Are you… still getting unpacked or… you wanna grab a coffee or something after work?

She asked him so that he could tell her what he’s been up to.  Just two coworkers catching up after one of them had left the office for an extended period of time.  Friendly chit-chat.

He just couldn’t do it anymore.  Or he didn’t want to.  Or both.

But Jim hesitated.  Because while he was with Karen now, he currently didn’t have any idea how to tell Pam about it (or whether he even should tell Pam about it).  He didn’t want to seem like he was trying to brag about his new girlfriend; that might indicate that he was telling Pam merely to elicit a reaction, which would imply that he still cared.  But he also wondered how Pam would react if she found out another way, which she was bound to even if he didn’t say anything- Karen seemed pretty into PDA.  Realistically, given how far our friendship has fallen, Pam probably wouldn’t react at all, he thought.  Still, as someone who at least was his best friend for a long time, he’d like to think that deep down she’d be happy for him, now that he’d finally found someone that made him smile after months of being miserable.  That said, he also thought that Pam might want to hear the news directly from him.

And now she had just presented him with the perfect opportunity to tell her he had a new girlfriend, face-to-face, one-on-one, with a pretty quick out- it’s not as if getting coffee took all that long.  He could have that particular weight off his chest within the first few minutes of their catch-up.

Plus, a small part of him really did want to brag about Karen.

“Oh, um, tonight?”

“Oh, yeah, no, you know, whenever.”

No definitive reaction whatsoever.  So wishy-washy, so Pam.  In that moment he was glad that Karen was decisive.  “Okay.  I’m um, still getting settled, but I could go for a quick cup before I go home.”

“Okay,” Pam nodded, studying her feet. 

A slightly uncomfortable silence lingered for a moment before Jim spoke up again.  “All right….I should probably get back to work.  Right, for work.”

“Yeah, no, me too.  See you in the parking lot at 5:15?”

“All right, see you then,” he said, walking away, leaving her in the break room. 

The rest of the day went- awkwardly.  Witnessing Michael’s failed efforts to try to bring the Stamford and Scranton branches together.  Hearing A Night at the Roxbury sung a cappella, watching Michael and Dwight’s embarrassing attempt to lift Tony up onto the table, dealing with the tire-slashing chaos.  Jim was relieved when the day was over. 

Except that now he would have to face an awkward conversation with Pam.  Truth be told, Jim had been debating with himself all afternoon about whether he wanted to bring up the real elephant in the room on their little coffee outing.  How he just couldn’t return to the way things were after what happened.  And how pissed off he was that at least today, Pam seemed to expect him to.  How he’d rather not be close at all than just have casual, friendly banter.  Maybe if he explained some of this to Pam, if he just laid enough of his cards out on the table and told her at least part of the truth (avoiding the parts where he seemed the most pathetic, of course), they could avoid more painful confrontations down the road. 

Though if he did decide to tell her all of this now, the next half hour was going to absolutely suck.

Jim’s cell phone rang as he was walking to his car.  He smiled when he saw the number, relieved at the distraction.  “He-ey, where you at, Filippelli?”

“I’m at the grocery store, buying a corkscrew to give myself a lobotomy.”

Jim laughed.  “What’s wrong, you didn’t have a good first day?”  He could wholly relate to Karen’s frazzled tone, recalling his own first day at Dunder-Mifflin.  Though by this point in his first day he had already been positively smitten with a certain receptionist.  Man, that felt like so long ago.

“Oh, my, God.  Hey, you want to meet at Cooper’s in an hour?  I need a drink.” 

Jim didn’t hesitate.  Cooper’s was close, and he could go there in his work clothes.  Plus, he knew he would need something to look forward to following what was likely going to be a pretty crappy conversation.  “Yeah, sure, sounds good.  I-,” Just then, he noticed Pam striding across the parking lot towards him.  Speak of the devil.  He needed to get off the phone, to get this over with as soon as possible.  He turned his attention back to Karen.  “Hey, you know what, I should go, can I just see you there?”

“Yeah,” Karen sounded a little surprised, and disappointed, but she didn’t question him.

“Okay. Thanks,” he told her, grateful.

“Okay.”

Jim hung up the phone, got out of his car, and met Pam a few steps away as he moved towards her. “Hey,” he greeted her.

“Hey,” she replied.  She didn’t say anything else, didn’t mention the coffee at all.

They stood there awkwardly for a few moments.  Then they both spoke up at once.

“So, you ready to go?” he asked her at the same time she said, “We don’t have to do this.”

His question was by far the least significant, so he answered hers immediately.

“Do what?”

Pam let out a big sigh.  “Do this.  Go get coffee.”

Jim was puzzled.  “Why not?”  This was weird.  While part of him was relieved, a bigger part of him wondered why Pam was suddenly backtracking.

Pam sighed again, and looked downward, averting his eyes.  “No reason.  You said you’re just still getting settled, that’s all.”

Jim could see right through her- she had a reason; she just didn’t feel like articulating it.  And he wanted to know what it was.  He gave her a knowing look and sighed, trying to hide his exasperation.  “Pam, I’m right here, ready.  Why don’t you want to go anymore?”  Not that he particularly wanted to go.  But he wanted to know why she didn’t want to go more than he didn’t want to go himself.

Pam finally conceded, rolling her eyes.  “Look, I saw Karen put her arm around you in the parking lot earlier,” she said softly.  She hesitated, before adding, “You’re obviously seeing her.  So we can spare that little conversation.”

Jim wasn’t sure exactly how to react to that.  So Pam did find out another way, and it saved him the effort in telling her directly.  Again, part of him was relieved.  Yet he just couldn’t make sense of the expression on her face.  For a second he thought that Pam actually looked upset.

Jim felt himself quickly getting defensive, angry.  What right did she have to feel negatively about this?  Pam didn’t even know Karen; it seemed ridiculous for her to judge her so harshly after meeting her for the first time.  “Yeah?  I am seeing her.  So?” he challenged her, raising his voice.

Pam glanced up to look at him only briefly before casting her eyes on the ground again.  She kicked a pebble, and then another one.  “So- we don’t need to go for coffee,” she muttered again, as if that clarified anything.

“Why not?” he pressed her.  “What does me dating Karen have to do with us not getting coffee?”  He felt that they were having the same conversation on repeat; he was just as confused, except that he was significantly more pissed off this time.  He didn’t care; he wasn’t going to offer up anything else until she at least attempted to explain.

“Because…” Pam began, before trailing off, shrugging her shoulders.  Jim waited for her to finish.

He waited, and waited.  Ten seconds later, she still hadn’t said anything, she was just still shuffling rocks with her feet and staring at the concrete, and he’d about had it.  She probably thought that he’d just drop it, that he wouldn’t push her for a response.  But he was sick of her beating around the bush with him. “Because why?” he finally questioned, practically yelling at her.

“Because you don’t care!”  He was almost floored when he heard Pam shouting back.  She met his eyes this time, her eyes sparkling with tears, her face flushed, her tone agitated and accusing.

He didn’t know what in the world she was talking about.  Because he didn’t particularly want to meet up with her to discuss frivolous work gossip?  Her response only made him angrier.  “Because I don’t care about what?  Filling you in on all the minor insignificant details of the Dunder-Mifflin Stamford branch?  Because I don’t care about putting on this front and pretending that nothing ever happened between us?  I guess you’re right, I don’t really care about either of those things.  Excuse me.” He was so furious he was shaking, and began pacing back and forth in front of her, trying to distract himself.

“Because you don’t care about how I feel about you!” she yelled, her tears spilling over now, one first running down her left cheek, then her right.  As soon as she said it, she slapped a hand over her mouth in surprise.

Jim stilled, completely frozen to his spot.  What?  He went to speak before realizing the words weren’t physically able to escape.  He coughed, cleared his throat.  His heartbeat was pounding so loudly that he couldn’t even think straight.  He didn’t understand- he couldn’t.  She couldn’t be talking about the kind of feelings that he had hoped she had for so long.

But he had to know.  He was a masochist that way, he supposed.  He coughed again, tried to formulate the words.  The question came out in a strangled whisper.  “How do you feel about me?”

Pam looked down, then up again, then down, then up again.  She took a deep breath, and then another one, appearing to think about exactly how to say what she wanted to say.  “I’m – I, um, I love you,” she finally admitted plainly, resigned.

Jim still couldn’t move- he felt paralyzed, or like his feet were tarred to the surface of the parking lot.  His heart was thumping to the point where he almost didn’t hear her.  Except that he did.  I love you.  What in the hell did this mean?

He was still reeling emotionally when Pam walked the couple of steps towards him, stood on her tiptoes, and pressed her lips roughly to his.

This was no tender, I love you but I don’t want to push you too hard type of kiss.  This was a passionate I’ll show you what you’ll be missing if you choose her over me type of kiss.  Maybe it was the type of kiss that he should have given Pam that casino night, because this one literally took his breath away. 

He didn’t want to kiss her back.  He wanted to pull away and scream at her that it was too late, that he had found someone else.  He wanted to tell her that she had hurt him so much, too much, and that he wasn’t sure if he could ever forgive her.  For a second, painful words and images swirled in his head.  Her letting go of his hands.  Nodding when he asked, ‘you’re still going to marry him?’ Saying, ‘I’m sorry if you misinterpreted things’.  Rejecting him when he went to kiss her a second time.  He was still so angry.

And yet- he didn’t want her any less now than he ever had.  In fact, he wanted her more.  Because he’d never heard her say before that she loved him; he never even knew that she wanted him, at least not with the certainty he did now.  There was no way she could kiss him like that if she didn’t.

So he kissed her back anyway, with an intensity that surprised even him.  It was as though he was channeling all of his anger directly onto his lips and tongue and into his arms, which pulled her possessively towards him.  If it bothered Pam, she didn’t show it, because she responded by moaning into his mouth and curling her hands into his hair, scratching his scalp with her fingernails.

Jim felt like he was toppling over as Pam pressed herself even more tightly against him.  He staggered backwards, slowly, one step at a time, until eventually he felt the side of his car against his back, helping to support him.  Their torsos smashed and then seemed to melt together as she pressed into him, literally pinning him against his vehicle.  It was so hot and he was still so mad that he had half a mind to turn them around, push Pam up against the car instead, lift her skirt.  Maybe he could just take what he wanted from her in that moment, fuck her senseless.

But before he could let his imagination run away from him for too long Pam had already pulled back.  “Jim,” she said, her eyes searching his.  When she saw the hurt that he just couldn’t let go of yet, the hurt that inevitably was readable on his face, her eyes filled with tears again.  “I’ve missed you so much.”

He nodded, feeling detached.  Of course he missed her too, but she already knew how he felt, and she’d rejected him.  What was the point in putting himself in such a vulnerable position again?

“I told you how I felt because I want to be with you, not because I just wanted…” she gestured between the two of them, to whatever the hell it was that they were doing, “this.”  She reached up to softly brush a hair out of his face.  “I broke it off with Roy a couple of weeks after you left.  I’ve been hoping you’d come back ever since.”

Jim let out a shaky sigh.  This was all hard to believe.  If she wanted to be with him so badly, why hadn’t she called him, even once?  A text on Diwali just wasn’t good enough. 

“I was scared,” she said, answering his unspoken question.  “I thought you hated me- you just left.  I’m still scared.  But- I’ve missed you too much to care anymore.”  With that, she leaned in to kiss him again, only this time the kiss couldn’t have been more different.

It was tender, soft, sweet, just a light pressing of her lips to his as she explored his face with her fingertips.  His eyebrows, his jaw line. He felt a dampness on his cheek when she was done.  He couldn’t tell if they were from her tears or his, because hearing her admit the heartbreakingly honest truth caused his throat to close up and his eyes to begin to water behind his closed lids.

“I love you,” she said again, whispering it into his ear just before pulling away.  She took a few steps backward, giving him more space.  “Just think about it, okay?” before Jim could react, before he could say anything, she had turned and started to walk away.

“Pam!” he called after her.  He might not have been ready to reciprocate everything that she’d said; right now he was entirely too shocked, too emotional.  But he didn’t want to let her walk away without saying something.

She turned around to look at him quizzically.

“I do care,” was all he could think to say.  She just nodded and turned back around.

Jim just stood there at his car for a while after she left, dumbfounded, allowing the words to finally sink in.  I’ve missed you so much.  I love you.  I want to be with you. 

Jim looked at his watch.  5:40 pm.  He needed to get to Cooper’s to meet Karen.  He numbly got into his car. 

He glanced at the cell phone in the passenger’s seat.  He debated calling Karen and telling her he was going to be late.  He thought about going for a drive, to the lake perhaps, and being alone with his thoughts, trying to figure out exactly what it was that he wanted.

But he hadn’t even left the Dunder-Mifflin parking lot when he realized that he already knew.  He headed straight for Cooper’s, determined.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­Jim supposed that Karen was now the one with whom he needed to have the uncomfortable conversation. 

Scenario #2 (Pam’s POV):  Coffee…or something

Pam paced so vigorously in her living room that she was afraid she would wear her fluffy new carpet down into flat little nubbins.  Two hours later, and her heart still hadn’t returned to its normal rate.

In a way, she was really proud of herself.  I said what I ultimately wanted to say when I asked him out in the first place….even more than I thought I could at my bravest.  I told him I loved him; even said that I wanted to be with him!  I could never have done that a year ago.  It took losing him to figure out what I really wanted, I guess.

Not that she had admitted what she did entirely of her own free will.  Jim had all but pried the information out of her.  She thought she’d be able to keep the truth well-hidden.  She’d had lots of practice at it, after all, and the last thing Pam ever wanted was a confrontation like they’d just had in the Dunder-Mifflin parking lot.  But Jim just kept pressing her, wouldn’t take no for an answer.  And like any interrogation, it finally reached a point where it became easier for her to tell the truth than to lie.  So eventually she snapped, confessed.  And she had to admit, part of her felt good at the release.

And that kiss, oh God, I can’t believe I just kissed him like that, the way I’d fantasized about ever since casino night.  I just wish I’d had that kind of courage last May. 

A bigger part of her, however, was terrified.  She’d put it all out there, and got little encouraging feedback in return.  She grasped onto the one statement Jim had made that at least gave her pause, a reason to think that she stood a chance against a beautiful, successful woman like Karen.  I do care.  She clung to it like she was drowning and it was the only thing that could keep her afloat.

I do care.

Those three words were still drifting around in Pam’s mind when she heard a loud knock at her doorway.

Could it be?

Pam’s heartbeat, which had only now slowed to at least a somewhat reasonable rate, practically thudded out of her chest.  She jumped nearly a foot in the air, making her way towards the peephole at her door.

Sure enough, it was Jim.  She’d recognize his long, lean, physique anywhere.

Pam took a quick minute to smooth her hair away from her face, straighten her sweater and blouse, lick her lips, though the lip gloss she had put on this morning for Jim’s return had long since faded away.  She hardly ever wore much make-up, but she’d gone into today feeling so optimistic, wanting to look her best for when she saw him again.  She didn’t know whether she should reapply it, or wipe off any little that remained, just for good measure.

She didn’t do either.  Instead, she just opened the door with a swing, taking in Jim standing there in her doorway.

He’d been drinking, she could tell at a glance; he didn’t seem quite steady on his feet.  His eyes were a little glassy and his hair was even more unkempt than usual.  When he spoke, she could hear the slur in his three-letter greeting.

“H-ey.”

“Hey,” she replied, a little breathlessly.   She still couldn’t believe that Jim was standing in her doorframe.   She dared herself to hope that this was a really good thing, even if he was a bit tipsy.  After all that she told him, it had to be, right?

He didn’t say anything for a few seconds, so she nervously filled the silence.  “How did you know where I live?” she inquired, puzzled.  She hadn’t told Jim her new address.

Jim gave her a wry smile.  “I called Toby.  Something told me he might know it offhand, being such a diligent HR rep and all,” he said sardonically.

There was something about the way that Jim said it that made Pam wonder what she was missing, raise a bunch more questions.  Why would Toby have her address memorized?  And why would he give it to Jim?  But asking him seemed to be getting away from the point of why Jim was there, which Pam didn’t want to do.  So she just nodded.

“Did- did you drive here?” she asked instead.  She hated to think about him out on the road.

“I just came from Cooper’s,” he mumbled. 

At least it was close by.  “You went there for happy hour?” It was all Pam could think to say, given his inebriation.  She doubted he was there for the seafood.

He shook his head.  “I just ended it with Karen,” he replied.  She should have been thrilled to hear him say that, but she wasn’t; she was apprehensive.  The words were right; it was Jim’s tone that was so off.  He sounded pissed, angry.

Pam was startled by the hostility of his voice, but she wanted to find out more about what might have happened to make him that way.  Perhaps Karen freaked out or something.  She tried to probe gently. “You did?”

“Yeah,” he confirmed, a little sourly.

Well, that was no help.  Pam had no idea how to reply.  Was she sorry?  She didn’t know.  But she decided to say it anyway.  “I’m sorry,” she said.

As soon as the words escaped her lips, she wished she could take them back.  Jim obviously didn’t believe her.  He snorted, rolling his eyes, brushing past her into her apartment.  His voice was sarcastic.  “Sure you are.”

“I am!” she exclaimed, somewhat defensively, to his back; he was now several steps past her.  “I want to you to be happy,” she said, sincere.

Jim turned around, and she could see him turn his mouth up into a twisted smile before he laughed bitterly.  “Oh, you do, huh?  Is that what you were thinking when you told me I had misinterpreted things?” he said, the words biting.

What?!  Pam couldn’t believe the harshness of his tone.  Or maybe she could.  They had barely spoken since that night; he’d had months to deal with the rejection, but perhaps he never really did.  Just like she had never really dealt with the feelings she had for him until weeks after they were actually kissing.  They were too alike sometimes. 

She knew she’d affected him with the words she’d said last May, but at the time she was just acting out of self-preservation, saying what she needed to say to keep everything in her life from being completely turned upside down.  It wasn’t until Jim’s words really sunk in that she realized that her life being turned upside down was the greatest thing that could have ever happened to her.

She whispered to the floor.  “You didn’t misinterpret things.”

“You’re damn right I didn’t,” Jim crossed the few steps between them with just a couple of strides of his long legs.  He leaned in and pulled her towards him, kissing her.

She could taste the alcohol on Jim’s breath- it was liquor, whatever it was.  It was so unlike the first time Jim ever kissed her, which was unbelievably romantic and tender, that she felt like she was kissing someone else entirely.  It was a bit like the way he returned the kiss she laid on him in the parking lot- desperate and frenzied, a little angry- but this kiss was much- harsher.  Jim’s arms snaked around her, his touch aggressive.  It was hot for maybe a second or two, until she realized that this actually reminded her a bit of kissing Roy after a night out drinking with Kenny.  It made Pam almost want to cry- because this was so wrong.  This wasn’t her Jim- she didn’t even know this guy.  She didn’t want to know him.

Pam tried to pull away, tears in her eyes.  “Stop it,” she said.  But Jim didn’t release her from his grasp.

She couldn’t believe she was turning down a kiss from Jim Halpert, but she had to, if it was going to be like this.  When Jim still didn’t take the hint that she was trying to extricate herself from his arms, she gave him a forceful shove.  “Get….OFF…of…me!” she exclaimed.  It was the DoJo all over again, times a bunch; Jim was intoxicated, his reflexes delayed.

Her push sent Jim stumbling drunkenly backward- until the back of his knee hit the edge of her coffee table and he bit it.  Trying to brace his fall, he sent his long arms out searching- and one knocked the small glass of wildflowers resting on her coffee table, sending it careening across the living room.  The little glass collided with the wall, shattering, and drops of water and little stems went flying everywhere.

Lying on the carpet, looking over at the broken glass for at least a minute, it was as though he was finally pulled from his drunken stupor, his haze of rage.  “Oh, God, Pam, I’m so sorry,” he finally said.

“S’okay,” she replied shakily, shrugging, though she wasn’t sure if it was okay at all.  “It was just a little glass.  I’ll clean it up.”  She needed to move away from him.  She took a step towards the kitchen, towards the broom and dustpan that she kept in the corner.

But before she could, Jim had grabbed her wrist, fingers encircling it tightly.  When she looked down at him with a startled gasp, he quickly loosened them with an apologetic look in his eyes.

“No,” he said, his voice softening.  “I mean,” he began to clarify, “I’m sorry for being such a jerk.”

She stared down at him, nodding in acknowledgement.  She continued to watch as Jim’s eyes slowly began to fill with tears.  “It’s just-, it’s just-,” his voice cracked as he eventually spoke, “Pam, you hurt me so much.  You broke my heart.”  He broke down altogether, letting go of her wrist and burying his face in his hands as he cried.

A wave of guilt and remorse washed over Pam.  About how she lied to him that casino night.  And how she’d wanted to reach out to him after she ended things with Roy, so many times, but never did.  “I know.  And I’m so sorry.  I’ll never do it again.”  She sunk down to her knees next to him, putting her hand gently on his back.

But then she thought about how she felt when she showed up at Dunder-Mifflin that Monday after Jim left, having had no idea he had transferred.  She found her voice to speak up again.  “But you broke mine too, when you left me without saying goodbye.”  She teared up at the memory; she wasn’t the only one capable of inflicting searing pain.  “And it broke again today, when I saw her put her hands all over you.” 

Jim shook his head vehemently.  “Karen never meant that much to me.  Look, I had to leave- I couldn’t watch you marry him with the way I felt, after what happened- I just couldn’t.  I needed to try and move on with my life, and Karen showed interest in me.  She’s an amazing person- I wanted to feel the same way about her.  But my heart was never in it.  I never- I never loved her.”

Pam nodded.  He didn’t say it there, but he might as well have.  She’d give him an out for not saying those three little words again- after all, he had just admitted that she had broken his heart.  She threw her arms around him in a hug.  “Oh, Jim,” was all she said.

“Not like I love you,” he whispered into her ear, arms tightly encircling her.  Turns out, he said them anyway.

They hugged for a long time- she swore, it felt like an hour.  She needed the human contact, the comfort; she didn’t care if he did or not.  She refused to let go until she’d had her fill, which took a while.

When their hug was over, things felt different.  He was more like Jim again.  He profusely apologized and cleaned up the mess with her flowers, while she got him some Gatorade and crackers.  He really hadn’t drunk that much, he explained- just had taken three shots in a row on an empty stomach after Karen had left the bar- and they pretty much hit him the precise moment he’d shown up at her door. 

But Pam knew what the real story was.  She had hurt him, and angered him, and he needed to tell her that.  Now that he had, he could move past it.  And so could she.  This night was a bit like a microcosm of their relationship.  It had rough spots, but when she thought about the future, it looked bright.  As of now they were now both unattached.  And they loved each other.  It was still early.

In fact, it was just before nine o’clock.  Pam offered to order a pizza, insisting that Jim get some more substantial food in his stomach, and he accepted gratefully.  Things were a little weird between them for a while, silence punctuated by awkward attempts at conversation.  But then the pizza came, and he turned on the TV while she got them some Cokes from the fridge, and eventually they both began to relax as they ate.  Jim gleefully flipped the channel to TBS, where “28 Days” just so happened to be coming on, giving him endless joke fodder.  Pam laughed so hard at some of his wisecracks throughout the movie that she nearly snorted pepperoni up her nose.  

Now this was more like it.  Talking, laughing, eating pizza.  She dared to glance over at him, and Jim was finally smiling.  Genuinely.

“So are we okay?” She dared to ask him.

He nodded.  “I think we’re going to be really great, but we’re already okay,” he said softly.

Pam nodded.  She knew exactly what he meant.

When the movie ended, Jim rubbed at his slightly protruding stomach- he’d eaten four slices of pizza- and started to get up.  He spoke reluctantly.  “Well, now that I’ve thoroughly made an ass out of myself, I guess I should probably get going,” he said.  “Thanks for the movie- Sandra Bullock was indeed a joy to watch in this film.  And for the pizza.  And for…..everything else,” He glanced down at her.

He meant thank you for the words she said to him earlier tonight- at least that was Pam’s interpretation.  And when she looked back into his eyes, there was more than just gratitude there- she could almost see them pleading with her.

Tell me you don’t think I’m an ass.  And that you want me to stay.

She found herself speaking up, clearing her throat.  “Maybe you shouldn’t drive tonight.  Just to be on the safe side.”

The corners of Jim’s mouth went up just enough for Pam to know that he’d taken the hint.  He seemed fine to drive, truthfully- the time plus the food plus the Gatorade did wonders. 

“Okay,” he said, awkwardly sitting back down.  “Sounds good.  Except- what are we going to watch now?” he teased her.

As it turned out- nothing really.  Miss Congeniality was already playing (a Sandra Bullock-o-thon?) but they were barely paying attention.  Sometime shortly after that, they were kissing.  Pam didn’t remember who started it, only that it was so much better than before, passionate but now with the tenderness that it lacked previously.  There was still a faint hint of alcohol on his breath but mostly Jim just tasted like pizza, and Pam couldn’t get enough of his mouth on hers.

Things escalated.  Kissing turned into heavy making out which turned into groping which turned into ripping clothes off and before Pam knew it she and Jim were half-naked.  Sure, ideally this would all be happening after a romantic date or two, but Pam didn’t care- she couldn’t wait.  It felt like a lifetime ago that she’d turned Jim down that casino night; felt like an eternity that she’d been lonely and missing him; and even though it was only recently that she’d heard that the Dunder-Mifflin branches were merging, it felt like forever that she’d been waiting for him to come back.  And now he had, and despite everything, he still wanted her, just dumped his girlfriend for her.  She wasn’t going to take that for granted.

Pam pulled him off of the couch in just his boxers, leading him shyly back to her bedroom, where they stripped the rest of the way.  Jim ravished every inch of her body with his hands and mouth before making love to her for hours.  Damn.  She didn’t know if the alcohol had affected Jim’s endurance or if he’d always had such good longevity, but the way that her physical pleasure gradually built in intensity was just incredible.  Pam felt more ecstasy in those couple of hours than she had in her entire relationship with Roy.

It was after 3am when Pam finally turned off her little bedside lamp, exhausted and happy.

All too little time later, Pam’s alarm clock was buzzing.  It was set for 7:15 am, as usual- she never needed all that much time to get ready for work.  On the flipside, this morning they had little time to wake up, get oriented, unless they wanted to get to work late.

Pam sat up, quickly glancing over to look at Jim.  Her heart surged.  There he was, sleeping on his stomach, naked except for a sheet covering his backside, eyelashes fluttering a bit as he slowly breathed in and out.  She just couldn’t believe she finally had Jim Halpert in her bed. 

Not wanting to wake him up just yet (he could wear the same work clothes from yesterday, right?), Pam grabbed her robe and slippers and padded down the hallway to the kitchen. 

She veered straight for the coffeemaker, emptying, rinsing, and replacing the filter from yesterday, and reaching for the coffee she kept on the counter.  Except- she’d thrown the bag away yesterday morning; she was completely out.  She’d meant to go to the grocery store on her way home from work, but a dramatic conversation with someone in the Dunder-Mifflin parking lot left her feeling frazzled, causing her to drive straight home instead.

Shit.  Of all days, she needed coffee on a morning like this.  Well, she would just have to get it on her way in- there was a Starbucks nearby.  The crappy coffee they brewed at work with this little sleep, and so much distraction, simply wouldn’t cut it.

Pam made her way back to her bedroom, heart racing again as she saw Jim, now completely sprawled across her bed.  She smiled.  She could get used to this.

She sat on the edge of her bed, tapping Jim on the shoulder.  “Jim?” she murmured softly.  “It’s after 7:15.  You should get up- we need to get ready.  Plus, I’m out of coffee, so I’d like to grab some on the way to work.”

Jim smiled sleepily before pulling Pam towards him, so that she was flush against him.  “I can think of a better way to wake you up than coffee,” he said, voice husky.

Well, that wasn’t much of a decision.