Prologue

June 9, 2006

Pam glanced up from her monitor as Ryan began settling into his new desk.  Michael had just announced that he would be hired on as a full time employee to fill the opening left by him.  

Jim had called in sick on Friday and when Pam had finally sorted out how she felt and what she had wanted to say to him on Monday morning, his things were gone and she was greeted with a Post-it note on her desk.  Her last memory would be of him walking away from the dimly lit office, and now the last thing he said to her was staring at her on a 3”x3” piece of yellow paper.

I’m sorry.  I hope you find all of the happiness you could ever wish for.  I’ll always love you.

Jim

That note was the latest addition to her box of things that reminded her of Jim.  She had begun packing them 3 weeks ago to the day, the same day that she told Roy they wouldn’t be getting married.  Surely Jim had heard by now that the wedding was cancelled - there’s no way that Michael and Kelly would have been able to keep that quiet - but Pam hadn’t been able to bring herself to talk to him yet with the stress of moving and leaving a decade long relationship.  

The ringing phone snapped Pam out of her daydream.

“Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam.”

“Hi Pam, this is Betsy Halpert... Jim’s Mother.”

“Oh wow.”

Pam took a moment to collect her thoughts.  She had thought of the possibility of Jim calling, but never considered what she might say to his mother.  Did she know about what had happened?  “Uh Hi!  It’s great to finally talk to you”

“How are you doing sweetheart?  I heard about the wedding.”

How did she know?  Jim must know, and Jim must have told her.

“I’m… fine.  Thank You for asking.”

“Listen, Pam.  I’ll get to the point.  I know what happened between the two of you a few weeks ago -”

“Mrs. Halpert -”

“Wait Pam, let me finish. And call me Betsy. I understand why you haven’t reached out to Jim.  I know the last few weeks must have been difficult.  I can’t make you fall in love with him, but I’m asking you as a mother to please call my son.  He really needs his best friend right now.”

Betsy Halpert sounded desperate.  This didn’t sound like a mother trying to mend her son’s broken heart, something else was going on here.

“Mrs, uh Betsy, is Jim ok?”

“Just.  Please call him, Pam.  Please.”

The line went dead as Betsy hung up.

Pam went home that night and opened her box of Jim mementos for the first time since moving.  Laying on top, next to the Post-it note, was a picture of them at a Poker table.  She was beaming brighter than she had ever seen herself in any picture, and Jim stared back at her with a sly smile.  Pam pulled the picture out of the box and set it next to her nightstand, and picked up the phone.

-----

Sitting on the couch with nothing in particular on television, Jim stared at the ceiling and ran his hands through his hair, trying to wrap his brain around his current situation.  The last 48 hours were almost incomprehensible - he was 27 years old… why him?  Why now?  

The buzz of his cell phone forced Jim’s eyes down toward the table in front of him.  He considered letting it go to voicemail, but it was probably his mother calling again to check up on him.  

“Hello?”

“Um, hey!”

Jim was stunned.  He hadn’t heard her voice since May 11 at 11:17 PM.  Not that he was keeping track.  After a few seconds of silence, trying to comprehend what was happening, her voice brought him back to reality”

“Jim?  Are you there?”

“Oh my god… Hi Pam.”

After getting through the initial awkward tension, they fell right back into the chemistry they’d always had with one another.  They talked for hours - they’d only been apart for a month but it to him it felt much longer.  When you try to forget somebody that you can’t help but think about every single day, it has a funny way of stretching out time.

“How have we not talked about how you answered the phone?  10 seconds of stunned silence and ‘oh my god!’ - is that how you’re picking up all the ladies in Stamford, Halpert?”

Jim laughed.  He had laughed a lot in the last few hours, his first genuine laughs in days.  This felt… good. A long phone call reconnecting with his best friend was exactly what he needed.  But he had to bring it up. They couldn’t avoid May 11 forever.

“Well, the approach I was taking in Scranton wasn’t getting the results I was looking for so... thought I’d try something new.”

Now it was Pam’s turn to sit in silence.

------

Jim’s words hit Pam like a ton of bricks.  She knew this would come up, but she was hoping it wouldn’t be until they were face to face.  There was no hiding tonight. She gathered her thoughts and went for it.

“Jim, I’m... I’m sorry.  I made a mistake. So many mistakes.  You were right, I just needed some time to figure out what I was doing.  I came in Monday after Casino Night with this big speech ready for you and you were just... Gone.  I couldn’t believe it. Can you just plea-”

“Pam.”

“...please give me...”

“Pam!  What do you mean I was right?”

“...I think I want to be more than that, too.”

And then silence.  It was exactly as she’d feared - Jim had moved on.  She blew it. She missed her once chance.

“........................Wow.”

“Yeah.”

“Pam, I…”

“Jim, I, I understand if -”

“Pam -”

“I just, I didn’t know what to -”

“PAM!  I’m going to be in Scranton tomorrow to visit my parents.  Are you free for dinner?

“Yes!”

“Alright... then it’s a date.”

Onward, Love

June 10, 2006

“YOU were sending those?  The carpet smelled like coffee for 3 days after that!”

“Well Beesly, sometimes sacrifices have to be made in the name of messing with Dwight.”

As he pulled into Pam’s apartment building to drop Pam off, Jim looked at her in the passenger seat with a broad smile.  The expression he found on Pam’s face was the same.  Hours into their first date, they had found their old dynamic.  Comedy was their first language, and they both were speaking it fluently.  

The night hadn’t quite started that way.  They were nervous at dinner, both due to the realization that this was actually happening and the uncertainty of how to handle the things that were still unsaid.  Eventually Pam had decided the only way they’d move forward was to put the past behind them as soon as possible.  The first 45 minutes at Coopers weren’t pleasant, but they were certainly necessary.

Once the neverending apologies stopped, the night began to truly feel like a date - but not like a first date. They already knew each other.  They were best friends.  There was no nervous laughter or awkward silences, no ‘so tell me about yourself’ or ‘what do you do’ questions.  This just felt like the natural next step.  This was going to work - tonight was a formality.

After dinner, they decided to head to the park for a long walk.  It was a perfect summer night in Scranton and the sun wouldn’t set until almost 9:00.  As they walked toward the beautiful sunset, Pam reached out and took his hand into hers.  A perfect night indeed.

---

As Jim walked Pam to her front door, she felt nervous for the first time in hours.  She knew taking it slow might be the ‘right’ thing to do, but they had danced around each other long enough.  The new Pam knew what she wanted, and she was going to make sure she told Jim what that was.

“I had a great time tonight, Jim”

“Me too.  So, how would you feel about maybe getting lunch tomor…”

“Would you like to come in?”

The look on Jim’s face told her that he wasn’t expecting that.  Jim was doing that thing again where he couldn’t figure out how to put words together, but his gaze into her eyes and told her everything she needed to know.  Pam moved toward him and leaned forward, giving him a long, soft kiss.  As she pulled away, their lips barely separated, Pam whispered in a voice she knew Jim couldn’t resist.

“Please come in.”

Pam didn’t wait for an answer.  She turned to unlock her door and walked into her small apartment.  Jim wasn’t far behind.

---

June 30, 2006

“Hello?”

“Hey!  I’m leaving work now.  I need to run home and then drop some things off at my parents when I get to Scranton, so I’ll see you around 8:00?”

“Dinner will be waiting.  Dessert too if you’re lucky.”

“Beesly!  I have a long drive ahead of me.”

“What?  I was just thinking of maybe getting some Tiramisu.”

“Tiramisu.  Right.  I’ll see you soon.”

“Oh, I’ll be waiting.  Bye.”

Pam smiled as she hung up the phone, still amazed at how naturally their normal banter had evolved to include not-so-subtle flirting. It was the same chemistry they’d always had, but the unspoken sexual tension was easily replaced with open sexual innuendo.  

They had decided to make a real effort to make the long distance thing work after their first night together almost three weeks ago.  She knew eventually that they’d have to find a way to be in the same physical place, but for now things were going great.  She’d spent the last two weekends in Stamford with Jim, including a day trip into New York last weekend.  Stamford was nice, but she couldn’t see moving there.  Jim didn’t seem thrilled about it either, to be honest.

Jim was coming to Scranton this weekend for the 4th of July.  The holiday fell on a Tuesday, so they both decided to take Monday off for the extended 4-day weekend.  They’d be spending tonight at Pam’s apartment, and then heading to Jim’s parents tomorrow for a cookout.  

Pam was nervous about meeting Jim’s parents.  For obvious reasons, but also because she hadn’t spoken to Betsy since that phone call, and Jim had avoided telling her why his mom was so worried about him.  She decided to find out what was really going on this weekend, one way or another.

---

Jim insisted on cleaning the table after dinner.  Pam had cooked an amazing meal for him - it was the least he could do.  Honestly he would do about anything for her.  Even though they talked on the phone every night, this would only be their 7th day physically together.  So far, they had been 6 of the happiest days of Jim’s life.  Being with her let him forget about everything else that was going on his life.

He grabbed the bottle of Merlot he had brought and poured them both another glass.  Jim didn’t know the first thing about wine, but a quick internet search told him that you paired Merlot with Chicken Parmesan.  Jim caught Pam staring over at him as he finished cleaning, forcing a huge grin on his face as he walked over to join her on the couch.  

“Cheers.”

“And what are we toasting to?”

“Let’s see… to that amazing chicken parm you just cooked.”

Pam laughed and her cheeks turned red.  He loved how easily he could make that happen now, and how easily she could do the same to him.  

“No no, seriously.  Cmon.”

“Ok.  How about… to second chances.”

“To second chances.

They sat on the couch together for the next hour, his arm wrapped around her and her head leaning against his shoulder.  Reruns of Mystery Science Theater 3000 were on, and it wasn’t long before they were providing their own commentary in place of Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot.   

As the episode ended and their laughter subsided, Pam finished off her glass of wine.  His was gone, too, and the bottle was empty.  When Pam snuggled back up to Jim, he leaned over and gave her a gentle kiss on the lips.

“Mr. Halpert!  Are you trying to get me drunk and take advantage of me?”

She quickly pulled him back in for another kiss, and the one she returned wasn’t so gentle. Their lips and tongues intertwined, and any concept of time was lost to him.  He had no idea how long it was before they finally pulled away from one another, both completely out of breath.

“Who is taking advantage of who here, Beesly?”

“Well, I did promise you dessert.”

With a devilish look, Pam stood up and grabbed his hand.  She pulled him into her bedroom, and he was lost to seemingly endless bliss.

---

July 1, 2006

Pam woke in the morning to the smell of bacon and eggs - Jim was cooking her breakfast again.  He had made omelettes last weekend, putting his breakfast count at 2.  Or twice as many as Roy had cooked in their entire 10 year relationship.  She was starving, so she quickly put that thought out of her mind, got dressed, and headed toward the kitchen.

“Good Morning!”

“Hey! You are right on time.  I was gonna bring it to you in bed, but I guess we can settle for the table.”

“That’s good.  I’m not sure I want to eat there anyway after what we did last night.”

“Beesly!  My God.”

They both laughed and took a seat at the table.  Breakfast was simple but delicious - bacon, scrambled eggs, and toast.  So far, this had been a perfect weekend, but she needed answers to the one question that was still waiting to be asked.

“So my dad said they’re firing up the grill around 2:00, so maybe we’ll head there around 1:00?”

“Yeah that sounds good… hey, um…”

“Hey, I promise they’re going to love you.  How could they not?”

“No no, I’m not nervous.  Well, I am, but that’s not what I was going to say.”

Jim paused.  She was sure he knew what was coming and his eyes begged her not to ask, but she wasn’t backing down now.

“Jim, when are you going to tell me what’s wrong?  Not like, are you happy right now and having fun today, but what’s really wrong.  Your mom was so worried about you and it’s the only thing you’ve avoided talking about.”

Jim sighed.  She knew he didn’t want to talk about it, but at this point she was getting worried, too.  

“Ok.  How about this.  Let’s go to the barbeque, and I promise you that I’ll tell you everything before I go back to Stamford.”

“I accept your terms under one condition.”

“What’s that?”

“I’m going to go get a shower.  You’re going to put the dishes in the dishwasher and meet me there in exactly 2 minutes.”

Pam walked to the bathroom.  Jim ran to the kitchen.

---

Jim’s mother was in the front yard when they arrived.  She had shared a hug with him before he turned to introduce her. She WAS nervous about meeting his parents, but she had the feeling that Jim might be even moreso.  Was he nervous that they wouldn’t like her or that his mom would say something he wasn’t ready to share?

“Mrs. Halpert, it’s great to finally meet you.”

“Pam, we’ve been over this, call me Betsy!  Jim, why don’t you take your things upstairs and I’ll show Pam around?”

Jim gave Pam a questioning glance, looking for reassurance that she would be ok by herself.  She smiled and nodded back at him, and he grabbed their bags from the car as Betsy took Pam inside.  Walking through the front door, they were greeted by loud conversation and laughter.  She could tell by the cars in the driveway that they were probably the last ones to arrive, and the house was full of Jim’s immediate family.  

The men and women had separated for the moment, with the men in the backyard and the  women shuffling between the kitchen and the dining room.  Drinks were already flowing, and Betsy poured Pam a glass of wine.  For the first few minutes, she felt like an outsider intruding on a private family event, but as soon as Betsy introduced her she was welcomed into the group.  She hadn’t yet met Jim’s brothers, but their wives greeted Pam warmly.  

Upon being introduced, his sister Larissa leaped up from the couch to greet Pam.

“Pam!  I’ve heard so much about you for the last few years I feel like I already know you.”

“Larissa, it’s so nice to meet you.  Jim told me a lot about you too.”

She held out her hand to shake Larissa’s, but she instead pulled Pam into an affectionate hug.  It was a little strange, to be sure, but she was happy to be so welcomed by Jim’s family.  But then Larissa leaned closer to Pam’s ear and whispered.

“I’m glad you’re here.  Thank you so much.”

Larissa pulled away and they rejoined the conversation, but before Pam had a chance to process what she meant, Jim came down the stairs.

“Causing problems down here, Beesly?”

“Oh no, your mom and your sister were just telling me about the photo albums of baby Jim we’ll be looking at tonight.”

“Wow, how did I not see that coming?  Cmon, wanna meet the guys?”

Jim led Pam out back, where his brothers and dad were getting ready to fire up the grill.  He had warned her that Tom and Pete could be a bit grating, but today they were nothing but kind.  His father, Gerald, warmly introduced himself and told her to take care of him, teasing that Jim couldn’t even be trusted to wash his own clothes.  

Burgers and hot dogs went onto the grill, and macaroni and potato salad were ready inside.  Wine and beer continued to flow and soon the games began.  Ladder Golf and Horseshoes were setup in the backyard, but after a couple of hours the heat forced everyone inside.  Pictionary was the game of choice and Larissa was drawing.  She had drawn what looked to be a half pipe with a skateboard next to a dumbbell.  Pam tried to talk it out as time wound down.

“Skate lifting, skate dumbbell… oh, X games… extreme lifting, extreme dumbbell, skate iron… um, extreme iron, oh, extreme ironing!

“YES!”

The whole room laughed, partly at the absurdity of the clue, and partly that Pam had actually figured it out.  Jim had left the room for a phone call, so when they decided to take a break, she found him in the backyard, still on his cell phone.

“...the 10th at 3:00, right?  Well, I wouldn’t say I’m looking forward to it but I’m ready to get started.  Thank you very much. Oh, thank you, I appreciate that.  Bye.”

Pam tapped him on the shoulder as he hung up, realizing that he still hadn’t realized she was standing there.

“Hey!”

“Oh, hey.  How’s the Pictionary?”

“Well I just figured out Extreme Ironing, so you could say it’s going pretty well.”

“Wow, Extreme Ironing.  Have you been jumping out of planes while ironing sweaters without telling me?”

“Not yet, but you never know.”

“Fancy New Beesly, jumping out of airplanes.”

Pam was as happy as she could remember being in a long time.  She was having an amazing weekend (the fourth one in a row!) with a man that she… a man that she loved.  She still hadn’t told him, but there was no doubt in her mind anymore that she was in love with Jim Halpert.

“Your family’s great.  They’ve all be so nice to me.”

“I told you, nothing to worry about.”

Pam smiled nervously.  It was time to tell him.

“So… I know this isn’t some big romantic moment like you would do, but Jim, I’m happier that I’ve been in years.  And I’ve been meaning to tell you but I just couldn’t find the right...”

Pam paused to look him in the eyes.  He looked nervous, almost afraid of what she was about to say.  Without thinking, Pam put her arms around his neck and pulled him down toward her, a surge of electricity pulsing through her as their lips met.  As she pulled away she locked eyes with him again.  There was still a lingering fear in his eyes, but she also saw passion.  Desire.  Love.

“I love you Jim.”

Jim reached forward and wrapped his arms around Pam in a tight embrace.  They stood like that for what seemed like forever, him holding her tightly and her head laid against his chest.  Finally, Jim backed away slightly and looked down at her.

“I never stopped loving you Pam.  Not for a second.”

---

She loved him - not out of pity or guilt or regret, she just loved him for who he was.  It was time to tell her, but suddenly Jim realized the position he was about to put Pam in.  Why had he even done this?  He was only going to hurt her again.  It was too late for that, so Jim decided to start talking.

“I think I’m ready.  Ready to tell you what’s wrong.”

Pam looked surprised, but eager.

“Tell me Jim.  You can tell me anything.”

“Ok.  But let me finish before you say anything.  It might sound like good news at first, but just let me get it all out there.”

Pam nodded, and Jim drew in a deep breath.

“I’m moving back to Scranton on Saturday.  I’ll be staying with my parents for a bit, but um...”

Jim could see the joy on Pam’s face, but also a bit of confusion.  He should have thought of a better way to say this without it sounding like a good thing.

---

Pam couldn’t help but smile.  Jim had told her to wait until he was done, but he was coming back!  They’d finally be together and be able to really make this work.  Still, she was a bit apprehensive about what he was going to say next.

“Pam, I’m coming back because…”

Jim took another deep breath.

“...they found a tumor on my lung. I start chemotherapy a week from Monday at Mercy.”  

Pam stood in stunned silence as she tried to comprehend what he has just told her.  It was impossible.  Jim was 27, he was healthy, he was active, he didn’t smoke - lung cancer?  How?  Why do awful things happen to an amazing man like Jim Halpert?

“Pam…”

She finally raised her eyes from the ground and back at Jim.  His face had tears streaming down his cheeks to match the ones on her face.  

“I’m so sorry.  I should have told you weeks ago.  I know you - you probably wouldn’t have let things get the way they are if I had told you.  I just needed to know that this, us, I had to know it was real.  I completely understand if you can’t deal with what I’m about to go through, I know I put you in an awful situation and…”

“Jim.  No.  No, no, no, no, no.  I love you, Jim.”

She wrapped her arms around him and squeezed tighter than she’s ever held onto anything before in her life.

“You’re going to beat this, Jim.  And I’m going to be there with you.”

From The Earth, At a Crossroad

July 15, 2006

“...so we’ll do your second spinal tap in about 45 minutes...”

Jim had almost zoned out what the doctor was telling him right up until he heard the words “spinal tap.”  The first one a few days ago hadn’t exactly been pleasant.  

“Spinal tap.  Yeah, great.  Well, let’s get to it.”

Just then, Pam walked in.  She had been in the hospital more than he ever could have imagined her wanting to be there.  Seeing her there with him was one of the only things that had made him smile in the past week, but it also broke his heart to know what he was putting her through.  Jim had insisted she go to her friend’s party last night instead of staying another night in the hospital with him.”

“Hey!  How was the party?”

“It was great right up until my sister decided to start drinking whiskey.  Pretty much spent the rest of the night holding her hair back.”

“Wow.  I think I might have actually got the better end of that deal, Beesly.”

Pam smiled at him and gestured to the space next to him in the tiny hospital bed.  Jim nodded at her and without saying anything else she cuddled up next to him as he wrapped his arm around her.

“Pam Beesly, you’re in the hospital!”

“I am! This is true. Well, but not - you’re in the hospital a lot more… than I am.”

Pam couldn’t help but laughing at herself as she finished the sentence.  For whatever reason, that had made Jim laugh more than anything since being admitted to the hospital.  Pam was the only one who had continued to joke with him through all of this - the only one who hadn’t handled him with kids gloves like he was a completely broken person.  As they came down off their laughter, jim turned his head to look at Pam just as she did the same.

“Hey.”

“Hiiii.  I don’t know if I’m allowed to kiss you yet.”

“I know.  I got the chemo in me...”

The realization seemed to snap them back to reality and a strange silence fell between them.  It wasn’t uncomfortable, necessarily, but there were words left unsaid between them about what could happen in the next few weeks.  Things that didn’t necessarily need said, at least not yet.    

“You know, I wasn’t sure how I’d feel about buzz-cut Jim but I think I kind of like it.”

“Buzz-cut Jim?  Well, don’t get used to it Beesly.  Pretty soon it’ll be almost-bald Jim and then shaved-head Jim.  Who knows what you’ll think of that guy.”

“I think that guy will be great.  But I’ll be really happy when I have shaggy-haired Jim back.”  

-------

Pam sighed into Jim’s shoulder.  She knew he had his spinal tap coming up in about 20 minutes, and after that he would probably be out of it once the pain medication kicked in.  Every time a little bit of self pity crept in, she would remind herself how infinitely harder this was for Jim.  She could let herself be sad later - for now she just needed to be there for him however she could.

“Do you wanna go for a walk before they come back in?”

Jim hesitated, like he was deciding how much to actually say.  

“I would love to go for a walk.  But everytime I take a walk I get a headache.  And if I don’t get up and walk I just lay here and get depressed.”

Pam just squeezed Jim tighter and didn’t say anything.  She could tell he had been bottling a lot of this up and needed to say it.

“I just wish somebody would tell me what to do.  There’s no map for this thing.  I’ve only been here a week and I cannot  stand this fucking place.  And I feel bad because everybody here has been great, and I’m ready to fight this and everything but…”

“You’re going to get through this Jim.  WE’RE going to get through this.  I love you.”

July 27, 2006

Pam was already there when the camera crew showed up.  Jim was glad she had arrived early - time alone with Pam seemed to be rare these days, but that was probably because of how infrequently he was actually awake and aware.  

Jim had decided, against basically everybody’s advice, to let the camera crew come in for a day.  They were off for the summer, but they gladly made an exception for his situation.  He thought it was important that people see what it was really like to go through everything he was going through.  A day in the life of a 20 something cancer patient.

“So you guys are just in time to see me try to fix this.”

Jim turned his head to show all angles of his hair.  It was getting patchy in spots and completely missing in some parts of the sides.  

“I think you mean watch ME try to fix this.”

“Well you are the expert on my hair, Beesly.”

Pam grabbed the clippers and lowered the blade.  She did the best she could but looking in the mirror as she worked it was obvious that there wasn’t a whole lot that could be done about the state of his hair.  

“Wow.”

“Sorry, Jim.  I tried.”

“No, no.  There’s just not any hair there.  Alright, onto the fun part.”

Jim grabbed a lint roller and started running it over his head.  Huge clumps of loose hair ended up on the roller, seemingly with no end.

“I have no idea why, but this is pretty much my favorite part of the day.  How gross is that?”

With his grooming taken care of, Jim wanted to get some time alone with the camera crew.  There were things he needed to say without anybody around, things he wasn’t ready to say to Pam or his family.

“Hey Pam, why don’t you go eat?  I know you skipped lunch and I wanted to do a talking head real quick with these guys.  Sound good?”

“Um, sure.  You sure you don’t want me there?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.  Gotta give the people what they want.”

Pam kissed Jim on the cheek and walked out, promising to return within the hour.  The camera crew setup an impromptu interview booth against the window of Jim’s hospital room.

“Anything you don’t want us to ask about?”

“Uh, no.  I want to make sure I say everything, so ask away.  If something really bothers me I just won’t answer it.”

“Alright.  How long have you been in the hospital?”

“So I’ve been here for about 2 ½ weeks now.  It’s starting to get uh, a little bit harder in here.  As you can see, my hair is definitely starting to fall out… which doesn’t bother me, but when I look in the mirror it - you just don’t feel so well.”

“And how are you feeling?”

“The pain medication takes me out of it a lot of the time.  I’ve had this cough that just won’t go away.  They’re finally giving me some cough suppressants which is helping, but I still have that awful feeling in my throat and in my chest that just…”

Jim started coughing, as if just thinking about it caused it to reoccur.  After the fit settled, he motioned for the questions to continue.

“What are the doctors saying?”

“The doctors aren’t saying much.  I wait everyday for the results of my bloodwork and just continue to be disappointed.  I know my immune system is getting weaker, and once we’re done with this round of chemo in a few days here we’ll talk about what’s next with the doctors.”  

“Anything else you want to say?”

“I’m… I’m a pretty positive person, usually.  And I hate having other people worrying about me.  So I just don’t know how to handle what I’m putting my family through, and what I’m putting Pam through.  I started a relationship with her without being completely honest about what was wrong with me until weeks later.  I’m just - I’m ready to get better.”

July 30, 2006

Pam was huddled in the hallway with Betsy, Gerald, Larissa, Pete, and Tom. Jim had been far worse than usual in the last day or so, and today he was barely awake at all.  When he was awake, he couldn’t stop coughing and he was visibly far more fragile than he had been.  Pam had helped him completely shave his head yesterday, but he was barely able to form completely sentences today.  The doctor walked out of Jim’s room, the room they had all just exited, to give them an update.

“As I’m sure you can tell, Jim has lost a significant amount of weight and is becoming delirious when he’s awake.  Some of that is due to the medication we’re giving him.  Jim’s immune system is all but gone from the chemotherapy, and he’s contracted pneumonia.”

The doctor paused to let that set in.  It was probably only a few seconds, but it felt like a full minute.  Pam and Betsy had teamed up to do as much research as possible on Jim’s condition, and she knew that pneumonia was the actual cause of death for almost half of cancer patients.

“His fever is extremely high.  We’re going to recommend that we start packing his body with ice.  It’s possible that he might sleep or be unconscious for the majority of the day while he fights off the pneumonia.  We’ll be giving him a lot of medication.  More than we already are.”

The doctor hadn’t explicitly said that the pneumonia could be fatal, but the implication was certainly there.  Betsy let out a breath she had been holding and then asked the question that they were all thinking.

“Do we… do we need to start calling the rest of the family to come see him?”

“Well, I don’t know that we need to do that yet.  Let’s give him another couple of days.”

While the doctor continued answering questions from the men, Pam and Betsy reentered the room.  Pam gave Jim a kiss on the forehead and the tears in her eyes were matched in Betsy’s, and they pulled one another into a tearful embrace.

“I know this should be ridiculous since we just started dating, but…”

“Oh nonsense.  You two have been close forever.”

“I know… I know that if he doesn’t make it, I know I can survive.  And I know I can get through this.  I just don’t wanna have to.  I don’t want to have to go through my life without him.”

Agnosia

August 3, 2006

Jim had always heard that when you’re dying, your whole life flashes before your eyes.  He hoped that was true, because that definitely wasn’t what he was experiencing right now.  In truth, he didn’t really know what he was experiencing.  Yes, he was aware that he was in the hospital, but there were only fleeting moments of being aware of the bed he was laying in and the room around him.  

What Jim mostly saw were people.  His family.  His friends growing up.  Even his coworkers that he hadn’t seen since he left for Stamford.  But mostly, he saw Pam.  Not any specific memory, really, just… her.  An image of her at her desk, one of her sitting across from him at dinner, another in his parents house meeting the family.  They were images of things that had happened, but it wasn’t exactly the memory of those events. He didn’t really know what it was, everything was very confusing.  

Soon, Jim started experiencing something else.  The mental image of all of his dreams coming true. It started with him sitting back down at his desk at Dunder Mifflin.

Then there was a ring.

And then a wedding.

And two tiny voices echoing from the backyard of their house.  They had a house!

He was seeing the future he had always wanted, the future that was within his grasp.  Suddenly, the urge to wake up out of this delirium overtook him completely, as if he gained an immediate understanding of his own condition.  He slowly opened his eyes and returned to the real world.

-----------------

Pam checked her watch - it was about 7:00 on a Thursday.  She had stopped over at the hospital about an hour ago after taking care of some errands after work.  Michael insisted that she bring over a massively oversized card for Jim, even though the office had already given him a card when he first checked into the hospital and Michael had sent over 3 more since then.  Why couldn’t Michael just have a litt…

“Ugh... hi.”

“Oh my god, Jim.  Hey, don’t move, let me get the nurse.”

Soon the room filled up with activity and nurses and doctors came to check on Jim.  He had been unconscious for 3 days.  Yesterday, the doctors had told them that his bloodwork had finally started to look better and he might be turning a corner with his cancer.  Still, his immune system was wrecked and there was a lot of risk until he recovered from the pneumonia.  

After the whirlwind of activity died down, the doctor finally told Pam that Jim would probably be asleep and in and out of consciousness for the rest of the day, but they could expect him to be more fully aware tomorrow.  He was awake for now though, so pam crawled up next to him in the hospital bed as she’d done countless times before.

“Hi.”

“Hey.  How do you feel?”

“Probably about as good as I’m assuming I look right now.”

Pam kissed him on the cheek and she couldn’t decide if the noise that came out of her mouth was a laugh or a cry.  How was he joking about this 20 minutes after regaining consciousness?  How was he being this strong?

“Well you’re awake and talking to me, so I’d say you look pretty great, Mr. Halpert.”

“Mmm… I don’t know how long that’s going to be true.  I can’t really keep my eyes open.”

“It’s ok.  Get your rest, I’ll be here tomorrow.”

“Hey.  Can you call the camera crew and see if they’ll come in?  I know they’re not all around, but…”

“I mean, yeah I can do that.  Are you sure?  You don’t have to do that, Jim.”

“I want to.  I need to get all this down on video.  I want people to hear all of this.  And I want to see it when I’m better.”  

August 9, 2006

The camera crew arrived in the early afternoon.  Jim had woken up pretty early, and though he still didn’t feel great, there was a noticeable improvement from the days since he first started coming back to reality.  Pam hadn’t stayed at the hospital last night, and she was still at work, so Jim would be able to sit down for the talking head alone without making any excuses for why he didn’t want her to be there with him.

“Alright, you ready?”

“Yeah.  Let’s do this.”

“Ok.  Pam told us you just woke up last week.  How do you feel?”

“Well, I woke up at 3:00 this morning. And I just couldn’t sleep. I feel - well not the best, but each day’s better than the one before it.  I don’t know if that’s why I couldn’t sleep, though.”

“Can you elaborate on that?”

“I’ve been trying to put on this strong face in everything.  To my family, to Pam, to everyone really.  Both before the pneumonia, and even right when I woke back up.  But the truth is, for the first time in all of this, maybe not the first but definitely the biggest… I’ve become totally afraid.  I couldn’t even lie in bed anymore.”

“Afraid that you won’t get better?”

“I think I’m going to get better.  And I’m doing everything I can to beat this, and I feel like I’m going to.  But the fact that there’s a chance that I won’t be… should I plan for that chance?   You know, do I make a will?  I never wanted to have a funeral in a church… do I tell somebody?  I guess I just did, but I have no idea.  Part of me feels like if I start doing those things, it’s accepting that there’s a chance I’m going to die.  There obviously IS a chance, I just don’t know if that’s something I’m supposed to accept.  I don’t know.

“Have the doctors said anything?  What’s next?”

“Well this round of chemo ended last week.  I’ve basically been here because of the pneumonia and that’s done, so I’m actually leaving tomorrow and going to my parent’s.  They said my odds of relapse are way higher than a young kid with leukemia if I keep doing chemo, so we’ve been talking about the options all week.  Even if I did chemo I’d have to do it for the next 2 years or something, so we’re going to try a stem cell transplant.  It has a better chance of success if you don’t do all the chemo before it anyway.”

“Do you have a donor already?”

“My sister Larissa was a match, so she’s going to be the donor.  I can’t even describe the - the gratitude I have for that.  All my siblings got tested and she was a match.  Pam really wanted to get tested but we found out Larissa was a match before she even had a chance.  She really is amazing…”

“So when’s the transplant?”

“The transplant is going to be in a little over a month as long as everything looks good over the next couple of weeks.  I’ll have to go in for some intense chemo for a few days, and then we’ll do the transplant.”

“That gives you quite a bit of time.  What are you going to do in the next month?”

“What am I going to do with my free time for the next month?  I’m going to spend it with the people I love.  Who knows how much time I have, so I better use it well, you know?  Maybe I’ll even stop in to the office and see everybody.”

“Alright man, I bet they’d like that.  Anything else?”

“I um… I just wanted to get all this documented.  I really appreciate that you guys came in and recorded this.  Hopefully somebody finds some benefit to all of this, whether it’s me or my family or just some random person.  And if things don’t work out, I just want everybody to be happy.  I’ve been blown away but the love and support everybody has shown me, but if I don’t make it I don’t want anybody to feel guilty or, I don’t know.  I just hope everybody can be happy no matter what.”

September 23, 2006

Pam sat in a circle with Jim and his family as the stem cell transplant took place.  Jim had undergone 4 days of extreme radiation treatment and then 4 days of chemo, so he was a bit out of it, but Pam snuggled up next to him and held Betsy’s hand as everything was pumped into his body.  He was slipping in and out of sleep as the procedure wrapped up.  Pam decided to ask the doctor some questions while Jim was out of it.

“So what’s next?  When can he go home?”

“Well, we’re going to keep him here for 2 or 3 weeks to see how he’s doing.  But he has a long road ahead even after he goes home.”

“A long road in what way?”

“After the transplant he’s going to have virtually no immune system for 3-6 months, maybe even longer.  He could end up with any number of things… pneumonia again, constant battles with the flu - anything really.  So depending on that he may need to end up on a lot of medication until his immune system recovers.”

“What about the cancer.  When do we know if this worked?”

“The first 100 days are the most critical.  We can get some data before that but really you have to get through those first 100 days to know if this has been a success or not. We’re optimistic but we’re not out of the woods here yet.”

Betsy spoke up after hearing what was ahead for them.

“Can he, I mean can we leave him alone?  Will somebody always need to be with him?”

“Well it really depends.  If he gets lucky and stays otherwise healthy, there’s no limitations on basic necessities and taking care of himself.  But obviously with his immune system there’s a very real probability that he’ll need some help depending on how things go and what medication he might end up on.  And… we are done here.”

“The transplant’s done?”

“All done.  Everything went as planned.  We’ll just get everything cleaned up and give all of you some time with him.  He’s all done with chemo, so if he doesn’t come around today with some normal sleeping hours, he should be coming around in the next day or two.”

Pam knew she had to be strong for Jim, but somehow she had convinced herself that once this was over he’d be back to normal in a couple of weeks.  Could they really do 6 more months of this?

January 2, 2007

“Hey man, good to see you.  Thanks for doing this first thing in the morning.”

“Yeah, absolutely.  I wish I would have called you guys in the last few months to keep up on my documenting but, well, it was a rough few months.”

“Why don’t we start there.  Last time we talked you were planning the stem cell transplant.  How’d everything go after that?”

“I had the stem cell transplant in late September.  Everything went according to plan, but then I got really sick once I got home to my parents.  I got shingles and since my immune system was all messed up, they had to put me on some pretty brutal meds.  I was hallucinating and stuff, it was rough.  Well, it was probably worse on Pam and my parents who had to deal with me, but yeah, not pleasant.”

“Wow.  What happened after that?”

“I dealt with that for awhile and eventually got better.  But by then they had me on such strong painkillers that I was kind of addicted.  Had to quit that cold turkey which was rough.  It was probably only a little over a month ago that I really started to feel better.  I'm kind of lucky, really.  A lot of people take 6 months or a year to get healthy after the transplant.”

“A month ago?  That seems really soon to be back at work.  Why’d you come back today?”

“Why am I back at work so early?  Well it’s the new year.  Fresh start right?  But also they told me that the first 100 days after the transplant were the most critical with the chance of the cancer coming back.  Today is day 101, and I got to celebrate the new year cancer free, so I really wanted to try to do something special to mark the occasion.  I’m just tired of other people taking care of me and I want to get back to living, even if it’s a little early.”

“You just got here, but how has everyone been?”

“My coworkers have been treating me… a little strange.  Which is to be expected, I guess.  Dwight actually managed to say something nice to me, so… I’ll need to get a prank together here soon, I guess.”

“And how are things with Pam?  Were you able to celebrate the new year together?”

“How are things with Pam?  Well, she was impossibly amazing while I was sick.  She was just - it’s unbelievable really how umm -"

He was having problems putting what Pam had meant to him over the last 100 days into words.  Obviously not just the last 100 days, but especially in the time since the transplant.  Pam had been there every step of the way, being stronger than he could ever imagine being in that same situation.  Jim decided he wasn’t even going to try to do it justice with words.

"Umm, yeah - you know, I think maybe you should actually just ask her how she’s been.”

Jim flashed his signature smirk as he got up without elaborating and made his way to his new desk.  He’d have to work on getting the old one back soon.

----------------------

Pam couldn’t help but blush at the question and looked down at her feet before answering.

“How are things with Jim?  Uh, well…”

She held up her hand and flashed an ear to ear grin, revealing the brand new ring.

“It was a good New Year.”

Understanding The Universe

December 3, 2012

Jim sat on the couch in silence, with Pam snuggled into him on one side and his four year old daughter sleeping on his other shoulder.  They had already put their two year old son to bed, and now he finally was letting everything the doctor had told him earlier today set in.

“Hey.  You’re going to be fine.  She said it was probably nothing.”

“There’s only so many things that cause a lump, Pam.  What if it’s not nothing?  Phillip’s still too young to know what’s going on but what about Cece?  This is just… it’s far too much for a child to take.”

“She’s a strong girl, just like her daddy.  And even if it is something, you’ve been keeping up with your visits, so they definitely caught it early.  We’re going to get through this no matter what.”

Jim looked over at his wife.  What had he done to deserve such an amazing woman?  The love of his life, the mother of his children, and a more supportive person than he could ever have even dreamed of.  

“I love you.  So much.”

“I know.  And you know I love you.”

Jim pulled Pam into a tighter embrace and she returned the favor by squeezing him closer.  They had gotten much better at communicating with actual words over the years, but they still had a knack to tell each other everything they needed to without saying anything. They fell asleep in one another’s arms, ready to face whatever was ahead.

December 5, 2012

Pam made her way through the cancer ward at Mercy hospital with a unsettling familiarity.  Sure, she’d been here with Jim a few times to see some of the staff that took care of him while he was sick, but the layout was still burned into her memory from the daily visits during that awful time 6 years ago.  

Jim had left work early to meet with his doctor about the results of the tests on the lump they found, and he had texted to let her know where he’d be.  Pam had picked up the kids from daycare after work and dropped them off at Jim’s parents for the night, so it was just them for the evening.  If the news was bad, this would give them some time to cope with the news and figure out what to tell Cece, and if the news was good they’d have a night all to themselves.

“Hey, what’d I miss?”

“Hey, nothing actually.  Dr. Burke got caught up a bit so she was just about to get into the results.”

“Hi Pam.  Good to see you again.  So, to get right to it Jim, you have a benign tumor.  That’s still something we need to be a little bit concerned about, but you are cancer free.”

Pam felt like all of the air that seemed to be missing from the room rushed back in all at once.  Neither of them really reacted to the news other than the obvious relief on their faces.  Dr. Burke continued before Pam had a chance to really process everything.

“We’re going to have you come in a lot more frequently for awhile.  For now, there’s not any treatment we’re going to recommend for the tumor - we’ll take a watchful waiting approach.  That means a lot more tests - blood tests, biopsies, you know the drill.”

“So will it just go away after awhile, or?”

“Well, it might.  Without getting too in depth, there are a lot of different types of benign tumors.  Hopefully we won’t have to do anything, but if we continue to see growth or other symptoms we may have to perform surgery to remove it.”

“Ok.  Doesn’t sound too bed… I think I can handle surgery.”

Pam and Jim asked a few other questions but for the most part, everything was relatively straightforward.  There’d be a few more tests than usual and some more visits, but otherwise nothing sounded too bad.  

“Jim.  This is obviously good news, but I just want to be clear that there’s always the chance of a relapse.  Make sure you keep getting all of your tests and everything.  You’re doing great.  I’ll see you soon.”

------------

“So, Mr. Halpert, we’re kid free for the night.  What’s on the agenda?”

“Would you be ok with just watching a movie tonight at home?  It’s been a long day and I'll probably pass out early tonight.”

Jim could see the slight disappointment on Pam’s face - they hadn't had a night alone in months and he knew she was looking forward to this - but he had to ignore it for now.  He didn’t want to ruin the surprise.

“Yeah, I guess it has been.  See you at home then?”

“Love you.”

Jim gave Pam a quick kiss before getting in the car and quickly leaving.  He wanted to arrive before she did to make sure everything was going as planned.  

-------------------

Pam pulled into the driveway and couldn’t help but wonder why Jim was in such a hurry.  He had pulled out of the parking lot at Mercy before she was even settled into her car and he was already inside the house as she arrived.  Jim always waited for her when they were driving separate cars home.  What was he up to?

As she opened the door, Pam didn’t know what to expect, but she never could have imagined what she saw.  Almost every light in the house was off except for the ones on dimmers in the kitchen and dining room, which were turned almost all of the way down.  

There were candles on the banisters, on the dining room table, and on the coffee and end tables in the living room.  The dining room table was covered with a delicate white tablecloth, and the silverware that was laid out was definitely more expensive than anything they owned.  There were flowers on the table, too, and the house was definitely the cleanest it had been since - well, probably the cleanest it had ever been.

What ever he was cooking smelled amazing.  How did he have time to cook?  Just then, Jim came down the stairs wearing his nicest suit.

“Ah, I was wondering if you were going to stand me up for our date.”

“Jim… how did you?  This is amazing.  It doesn’t even look like our house.”

“Well, I had a little help.  Reservation for Halpert!”

Larissa peaked out from the kitchen, smiling as she saw Pam had arrived.  

“You’re right on time.  Please have a seat.”

Jim interlocked his fingers with Pam and led her over to the table, before pulling out her chair for her to sit.  He joined her in the seat to her right, once again intertwining their hands on top of the table.

“Can I start you two with some wine?”

Penny came out of the kitchen with a bottle of Merlot and didn’t wait for an answer.  She started pouring a glass for each of them and smirked at Pam’s obvious surprise.

“So he got you in on this too?”

Penny smiled back at Pam, but didn’t answer.  She shrugged and finished pouring the wine, leaving the bottle on the table.  

“Your appetizers will be right up.”

“Appetizers?”

“Well yeah.  You can’t have a 3 course meal without an appetizer, Pam.”

“How do you come up with this stuff?  Seriously, how are you this amazing?”

“Years of practice on Dwight… obviously.  This is basically just a prank, except I actually want you to enjoy the outcome.”

“Uh, yeah, I think you nailed it.”

Jim had even picked a menu that called back to some of their first dates.  The appetizers were mini grilled cheese sandwiches (and if Pam was being honest, that was definitely a date), followed by chicken parmesan for the main course, along with the merlot, and tiramisu for dessert.   

“Ok, question - “

“Yes, Dwight?”

“Nice.  So when did Penny and Larissa learn to cook like that?  Holy crap.  And the Tiramisu?  Amazing.”

“Well don’t put it in your Yelp review, but I heard the owner say that the tiramisu was from that little bakery over by the mall."

"Ah!  The magic is gone."

"Well, it was fun while it lasted.  So… I did promise a movie.  Dazed and Confused?”

“I don’t know, I kind of could go for some more dessert.”

“Really?  How can you keep eating after all of that, Beesly?”

“I was thinking more like the dessert we had that time I cooked chicken parm when you came from Stamford.”

“Mmm.  You know, I think maybe I could go for some more dessert.”

Pam leaned over the table and kissed her husband.  Jim tried to pull away, but Pam pulled him in closer and deepened the kiss.  Things were close to getting out of hand when Jim finally pulled back, to her obvious confusion.

“As much as I want that second dessert…”

He placed a quick kiss on her lips.

“...we should probably get our sisters out of here first.”