Prologue: August 1996

Vermont was hotter than she expected. When Pam found out that her room was on the third floor, and there was no working elevator to bring all of her belongings, she was certain her father was going to have a heart attack. William Beesly wiped the sweat off his brow as he set what he was hoping was the last box of his daughter’s belongings into her room.

“Bug, is this everything?” he asked, his voice raising with hope.

Helene came in behind him, running her free arm against her husband’s, and set down a box of paintbrushes on the desk Pam had claimed, closest to the window, the mountain views are perfect she’d told her mother.

“I think so,” Pam smiled sheepishly, pulling her hair from her shoulders that was now dripping with sweat and into a bun on the top of her hair, securing it with a scrunchie.

“Thank you both so much,” she cocked her head to the side, feeling a bulge in her throat, that she swallowed down, remembering how much she wanted this

“Sweetheart, you’re so welcome, and hey, this room isn’t so bad,” she eyed the concrete walls surrounding them, and the metal bunk beds in the corner. Her lips pursed,

“It’s fine Mom, it’s just freshman year, next year, maybe I can live in my own apartment?” she teased the question, raising her eyebrows, her tongue sliding between her teeth.

“Maybe,” Helene smiled, and they paused, the three of them looking at each other for what felt like hours.

“Okay,” Pam’s eyes brimmed with tears, “I think you should go, I want to make a good impression on my roommate, and I can’t be a blubbering mess when she gets here,” She put on a brave face, putting her hands in the front pocket of her new University of Vermont sweatshirt. Her parents pulled her in for a hug, one at a time, reminding her to go to class, eat well, get some exercise, and call home at least once a week. She nodded furiously, making promises she’d soon forget to keep, and when they left the room, she shut the door behind them. It slammed harsher than she would have liked, but a sigh of relief escaped her lips as she took a seat on her mattress. She silently thanked her mother for making the bed before leaving, she’d told her it was the first thing you should do upon moving into your dorm room, so at least if nothing else gets unpacked she had somewhere to sleep.

She glanced at the sunshine poking through her curtains, and smiled thinking about how beautiful the landscape was around her. She had dreams of learning to ski come this winter, and so much painting. She wanted to paint anything and everything she’d seen, and she had only been on the campus for about four hours. Her thoughts were quickly dismissed when she heard noises outside of her door. She listened to the key slip through the doorknob, and she quickly pressed her hands against her khaki shorts with nerves. Who was this person she’d be living with for the next year, Would she be like Pam? Somewhat reserved, interested in art, passionate, and sometimes a little stubborn. Would she want to throw parties in their room? Would Pam be okay with that? Before any more questions could fly through her mind, she glanced up at the girl entering her room, no parents in tow, with just a few boxes. Pam smiled at the tall brunette, with beautifully sun kissed skin, and dark eyes, and immediately placed her hand on her own hair, trying to soften the frizz she knew was sticking up from her untamed curly bun.

“Hey there,” the girl spoke, setting her suitcase and the lone box down on the floor in front of the door, “I’m Karen,” she smirked, moving across the tiny room to shake Pam’s hand. Pam wondered how many opportunities Karen had before this in shaking hands because she was certainly practiced at it. She studied her attire, and in stark contrast to Pam, she looked as though she’d been planning her outfit for weeks. Her tight dress fit snug in all of the right places, and her chunk sandals matched perfectly, Pam couldn’t pull her eyes away from her, she was striking.

“Pam,” she grinned back at her, “Are you um,” she paused looking at Karen’s belongings, “do you need help getting any more of your stuff?” Karen looked down and laughed,

“I’m from New York, everywhere I’ve ever lived was about this size, I packed light, plus, all of this was on a plane,” her voice was smooth as warm caramel.

“The city?” Pam asked, intrigued.

“Yeah, I’m from Brooklyn, born and raised,” she pointed to the top bunk, “this one mine?” she asked with a knowing smile.

“Oh yeah,” Pam bit her lip, immediately regretting choosing a bed before her roommate arrived, “but we can switch I really don’t mind,”

Karen smiled, “Oh my God, it’s totally fine, I like the top,” she placed her pillow above Pam and sat at the desk chair facing her.

“So where are you from?” she asked, her hands folded in her lap. Pam noticed her perfectly manicured nails.

“Um, Pennsylvania,” Pam glanced down at the floor, feeling utterly inferior to the city girl before her.

“Cool! My family goes to the Poconos all the time for vacation, Where in PA are you from?”

“Scranton?” Pam raised her voice, almost in question,

“It’s not that exciting,” she laughed, nervously.

“Well,” Karen started, “neither is Brooklyn,”

“I doubt that,” Pam gave her a toothy smile,

“Trust me, you get really sick of the cars, the smell, and the pizza really quickly,” she laughed,

Pam raised an eyebrow in suspicion.

“Okay, well maybe not the pizza,” Karen smirked, “Speaking of which, I haven’t eaten since I got on the plane this morning. Do you want to check out the dining hall? I heard it’s right downstairs in this building?”

Pam’s stomach turned, and she suddenly realized she was hungry herself and absolutely parched.

“Let’s do it,” she slipped her white Keds back onto her feet, and stood up, the two girls moving to the front door and opened it.

Pam stopped as she locked eyes with the person staring at her from directly across the hall. He was tall, extremely tall, and his basketball shorts and white t-shirt clung to him from the August heat. He was spinning a basketball in his hands, and laughing with what she presumed to be his roommate, a shorter boy with sandy brown hair, and glasses. He stopped moving the ball for a moment, and smiled a toothy grin at her, his brown hair falling into his eyes. She smiled, but quickly looked down, averting her gaze.

Karen immediately looked back after realizing she was a few paces ahead of Pam. “Are you coming?” she asked, turning back.

“Yeah I just um,” she brought her hand up, motioning to the boy from across the hall.

“Jim,” he put a free hand out in front of her, and she felt her stomach flip in place. Not only was this the second person to shake her hand today, but there was something else. Something in his eyes that caught her attention. They were green, but gold flecks surrounded his pupil, and she felt he was already telling her a story with them.

“Hi,” she replied, shaking his hand, waiting a moment before dropping it.

“Hello, Hi,” he laughed,

“Oh, um, I’m,” she stammered, and he glanced at the door tags on the door behind her.

“Beesly,” he smirked, raising an eyebrow, looking at the two name tags,

“Oh no, it’s Pam, they just, um, they made a mistake, that’s my last name,” her cheeks burned for a moment, she couldn’t take her eyes off his gaze.

“Well Beesly, I like the mistake,” Was he flirting her mind began to race.

“C’mon Pam, I’m starving,” Karen dropped a hand against her thigh with slight frustration.

She looked to Karen, “We were just going to eat, but it was nice to meet you, Jim,” she managed to form a sentence. He smiled at her as she walked away, admiring the paint streaks across her calves, just above her perfectly white sneakers.

“Catch you around,” he started, her back was already toward him “Beesly,” he finished, and she stopped, turning quickly to flash a shy smile in his direction before catching up to her roommate.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so hard to meet people here after all, Pam thought as she moved down the hallway passing parents and students moving around in shades of all colors, but the only one that stayed in her mind was that green, that beautiful golden green.

When Pam pulled the covers toward her chin, she couldn’t stop thinking about him. For whatever reason, she felt so compelled to speak with him more. His name came easy to her lips, and she found herself turning in bed, trying to fall asleep but only thinking about the gaze he had on her, and the energy she felt between them. He has a girlfriend she tried pushing the thoughts out of her head, while a voice above her startled her.

“Can’t sleep either?” Karen asked, her head dipping upside down from her bunk to glance down at Pam.

Pam turned over to face her, “Not really,” she sighed,
“Hey it’s okay, it’s normal to feel a little homesick at first,” Karen smiled warmly,

“Yeah.” She sighed. The truth was, she wasn’t homesick. She’d been preparing for this for months, knowing that she’d be getting out of her childhood bedroom, not living in the limelight of Penny’s success both on and off the soccer field, and she’d get to start anew. Roy was behind, back in Pennsylvania, and although she felt slightly bad telling him that she needed to break things off before moving to Vermont, he understood. And besides, he was never getting out of that one horse town any time soon. She wanted something more, and that something more was someone and a future that didn’t include going on dates with her boyfriend and his brother or having to push his hands away from her thighs telling him she was just not ready yet. But in those mere seconds her mind moved away from the football star in Pennsylvania who she was sure found a new girlfriend already, to the boy across the hall. She wondered if he was in bed thinking of her too, or if his mind was on someone else. Someone prettier, smarter, someone who’d have the courage to say their name and not just “hi”.

Karen was still staring at her when she broke her gaze from their bedroom door, “How are you so good at this anyway?” Pam asked, sitting up and pulling her legs toward her chin.

“Umm, well, four years of boarding school kind of got me ready to be on my own,” she rolled her eyes and came down the side ladder finding herself a spot on Pam’s bed. It had only been half a day, but Pam felt comfortable around Karen. Albeit, a bit jealous of her ease with words, her beautiful clothes and stunning figure, but, she was comfortable. And Pam Beesly could be okay with being comfortable.

“Damn,” Pam shook her head in disbelief, “What was that like? Boarding school I mean,”

“Lonely, honestly. But it was a good experience, I got a great education, I got used to having roommates, and I learned how to pack lightly,” she laughed, “What about you? Tell me about PA, you got a boyfriend there waiting for you?” She raised her eyebrows playfully.

They both heard some loud hollering from the hall, and Pam just shook her head, she was going to have to get used to the new noises quicker than she thought.

“Well,” she stammered,

“Oooh tell me all about him,” Karen’s eyes widened, and she pulled her sweatshirt closer around her frame.

“It’s not really,” Pam averted her eyes, “we kind of just ended things recently,” She bit the side of her fingernail anxiously, wanting desperately to change the subject.

“Oh,” Karen looked away, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry.” she released her knees down from her chest and placed her feet on the floor, ready to stand up.

“No, it’s okay,” Pam nodded, “It was for the best,” she wasn’t sure if she was still trying to convince herself, but then those eyes popped in the front of her mind again and she became transfixed.

“I’m single too, so, it’s cool,”

CoolPam thought. Nothing about the situation felt cool.

“I think I’m ready to sleep,” she glanced at the alarm clock on her nightstand, it was almost midnight.

Karen popped up, almost too suddenly, and steadied herself on the ladder.

“Well, goodnight, Pam,” her warm smile glowed against the contrast of her cheeks.

“Night,” It was barely audible as she turned over in bed, facing the dozens of photographs she’d taped to her wall just hours earlier, this time, focusing in on one of her and her mother, and slowly letting her eyes drift off to sleep.

***
It had been three days since they’d bumped into each other in the hallway, and today was the first day of classes. Karen was off to an early morning macroeconomics class, and that left the room all to Pam for a few hours. Her first art class didn’t begin until after noon time, and it gave her some time to continue setting up her work space, and lay out her painting supplies, just the way she liked it.

She meticulously set every brush in a line from smallest to largest, arranged by types of hair, and brush length. She smiled to herself, she was so ready for her classes, and finally turning her dream of actually becoming an artist into reality. She jumped when she heard a soft knock on the door, and puzzled, she hesitated before opening the door. She knew this building had a reputation for housing some of the “party” kids, and she wasn’t about to become someone’s first prank on campus.

The knock came again, this time a little louder. She moved toward the door, and opened it carefully, and when she saw the familiar eyes, and the shaggy brown bangs, she opened the door fully and smiled at the boy standing in front of her. He leaned against her doorway, one foot crossed over the other, a hand slipped into his jeans, she made a mental note of his clearly loved, Fleetwood Mac t-shirt.

“Hey Beesly,” his voice was husky, low, and it took her a moment to realize she needed to formulate words back to him,

“Jim!” she tried the surprise and anxiety in her voice, stringing a lone curl behind her ear, “What are you doing here?”

His face fell slightly, and she immediately relapsed, “No, no, I mean, what’s up?” Nice recovery Pam she bit her lip.

He laughed, “Well, I actually came over here because my roommate, his name’s Toby,” he pointed a thumb behind him at his room, “he uhh,” he placed his hand on the back of his neck and snorted,

Pam continued to eye him with suspicion, not knowing what to make of this lanky boy with that beautiful smile, and the even prettier eyes, and that voice, he was making every inch of her body suddenly feel so warm.

“Okay, here’s the deal, I kind of wanted to know if maybe you wanted to get coffee sometime, you know, at Hendersons’”
Pam’s eyes widened, this was probably the first and only time she’d ever been asked out, if this even was being asked out, she surely wouldn’t jump to conclusions too quickly, but he’d come all the way over here at 11:45 in the morning, and she didn’t even look cute in her pajamas.
She nodded, words not being able to escape her lips,

“Cool!” he smiled, “Maybe tonight? Whenever you're done with classes?”

“I’m done at six, I have a figure drawing class that lasts pretty much all afternoon, but um” she stumbled, “I have no idea where Hendersons’ is,” she felt her cheeks turn into two perfect roses.

“Hey,” he spotted her embarrassment immediately, “it’s been three days, I only know because both my brothers went to school here,” he rolled his eyes, “so, let’s just say I’ve been dragged to campus a few times, usually against my own will,”

She laughed, a hand creeping toward her lips.

“Oh I’m not joking Beesly, my brother Tom dragged from my bed at eleven at night into his beat up Saab and took me to a party here two years ago, I’ll be scarred for life”
She snickered again, and his stoic face immediately broke, she noticed the dimples on his cheeks.

“Anyway, it’s across the street, in the Davis Center, the giant student center, you can’t miss it, third floor. I’ll meet you there at 6:15,” he tapped his watch face,
“Yeah, that sounds great,”

“Alright then,” he tapped two fingers twice on her door frame, “then it’s a date,”

She smirked, looking down at her shoes and once more up at him, he was already headed back to his room,

“Hey I meant to ask you,” she called out, “what’s your major?”

“Pre-med,” he started, “but I’ve had one class this morning and I already hate it, so who knows?” he lifted his arms up in a shrug and gave her one last grin before shutting the door, pausing a moment to look at her just for a second while she walked back inside, taking in all of her curls, her angles, and the new bounce he saw in her step.

It was day one, and Pam Beesly had already gotten herself a date for the night, showed up to her first class early and didn’t get lost despite the winding halls of the building and managed to not blush too much at her shock of the nude model for her first figure drawing class. Once the pink drained from her blushed cheeks, and she began to focus, she found the hours of class going by so quickly as she drew this person sitting only feet from her, wondering how they were able to stay so still, and how they felt so comfortable in their own body, they would let twenty-five freshman draw them for hours on end. She felt the slightest bit of envy, not for the woman’s curves, or her strong cheekbones, but the confidence that exuded from every fiber of this woman’s being. She couldn’t have been that much older than Pam, clearly used to being drawn by now, she busied herself with a book in her hands, and that was how Pam chose to draw her. A beautiful intellect, letting her mind transfer itself into the story in her hands, while she sat naked in a library, completely comfortable in her skin. When her professor walked behind her, she could feel her staring at her easel, and Pam tensed. She knew this feeling so well of being watched, her every stroke studied, examined, and thought out.

“Miss Beesly,” she hated being called that “Would you mind staying after class?”

She bit her lip nervously, she knew she had to make it to the other campus to meet Jim, and she was not about to let that slip away today, but she also didn’t know if she’d already screwed something up on day one, and thoughts of her art career going out the window started to cloud her brain.

“Sure,” the word fumbled out of her mouth, “I can for a lit-”

“Great,” her professor smiled at her and moved on to the next student’s piece, studying it for only a moment before continuing on. Pam sighed, her head falling just slightly as she looked at her watch, there was only a few moments until it struck six, and she needed to be out of her by 6:10 if she was going to meet Jim on time, she felt the room suddenly become very hot, and sweat beads lined her neck. I hope I didn’t fuck this up she bit the side of her nail nervously, and waited, the stool beneath her suddenly becoming very uncomfortable.

***
The cup of tea in his hands was turning lukewarm quickly, and he sighed, placing his hand on his forehead. He continued to look at his watch, it was close to seven and she still hadn’t shown.

“I’m an idiot,” he mumbled to himself, watching the throngs of students pass by him in the student center headed presumably off to dinner, or to get ready for a party he knew he’d never have a desire to go to. He must have looked pathetic with the other tea sitting across from him at the table, untouched, now cold, and the metal chair beside it even colder.

“James Halpert?” a voice he recognized so easily caught him off guard as he made eye contact with her. He hadn’t noticed her before, his eyes only on the beautiful curly haired girl across the hall, but he suddenly remembered the voice being present from further down the hall. Her tan skin, even more brown from the summer she undoubtedly spent on her parents sailboat, sipping champagne and drowning her parents in stories of her time at school, and how things were just going so great. He swallowed a nervous lump in his throat, and sat up a little straighter.

“Hey Karen, how’s it going?” he was sure he heard his voice break at the end of his sentence, and that she could smell his fear like a dog.

She quickly took the seat in front of him, pushing the tea away from the center of the table, and smiled warmly at him.

“I could have sworn that was you the other day, but you look so different without your glasses” she said with a laugh.
“What is going on with that hair?”

He brushed his bangs out of his eyes, and sipped his tea, he was right, stone cold.

“Ah you know, school’s over, and I’m here now, so, going au natural”

She shook her head, “You look homeless, Halpert,” she reached her hand across the table, and ran her long fingers through his bangs pushing them atop his head, it would only be a moment or two before they fell back into his eyes.

“There he is,” there was that smile again.

“What are you doing over here all by yourself anyway?”

He really didn’t want to sound pathetic in front of her, not again. He’d done enough of looking like a fool in front of her for four years of high school. Four years he’d like to never go back to again. Frankly the idea of even stepping foot back in Connecticut put shivers down his spine. Vermont was so much easier. Everyone here was so relaxed, so themselves and he thought he’d escaped this part of his past he had no desire to relive. Especially not his past with Karen Fillipelli.

“Have you eaten?” He glanced down at his watch, it was far past seven, she wasn’t showing. He shook his head no, both in frustration of his stupidity to think that she’d actually meet him for coffee, a complete stranger, who he’d undoubtedly run into now constantly, since she lived across the hall, and would have to face sheepishly every time he saw her. A rejection, every, single, time.

“Come on, let’s go grab some dinner in Central and catch up,” she placed her hand atop his closed fist on the table, running her thumb along his knuckles. It felt so familiar, so comfortable, and at the same time made bile creep into his throat.

Without a word he stood up, grabbed his leather messenger bag and threw it over his shoulder. She slipped an arm through his, as he grabbed his styrofoam cup and threw it away, before he could reach for the other, she’d gently pulled him down the hall. He glanced back at the cup quickly, before her voice brought him back to her.
“I know you spent the summer in Scotland,” she beamed at him, “tell me everything.

He tried to let the sigh that escaped his lips go unnoticed, and in typical Karen fashion, she didn’t. She rambled on about Croatia and how beautiful it was on the waters. How she’d gone snorkeling off the side of their boat, and how she just couldn’t believe they’d both ended up at UVM, and somehow it had to be fate.

His thoughts drifted, the only thing he could think of was her face. The freckles on her nose, the tiny smile she gave him when he showed up at her door that morning, and he tried to push away his frustration that she blew him off. What had he done that made her change her mind so quickly? His agitation grew as he thought about all his desires to leave his past behind him, his parents' wealth behind him, and just be Jim. Not James, not the son of a world-class renowned neurosurgeon, not the basketball captain, just Jim. The Jim who taught himself how to play guitar this past summer, the one who drowned himself in books from the library whenever he could, the Jim who was most certainly going to drop the pre-med major as quickly as possible. And more importantly, the Jim who wanted nothing more to do with girls like Karen.

***

“Pam, this is amazing” her instructor ran her fingers over the long lines of Pam’s work, and studied it quietly.
“Listen,” she started, Pam uncomfortably shifted herself on her stool, she’d already been held after class twenty minutes, “there’s an art show coming up, now, typically, we don’t invite freshman to participate, but your work is just so honest, and I am interested to see what else you’ve got,” her professor smiled, and moved to the side of the art room bringing another sheet of drawing paper over to Pam.

“I want a self portrait, just as you see yourself, whatever that is.” She paused, “Draw that, and if I think it’s got some potential, well, you may just find yourself in that art show next month,” Pam paused, her mouth slightly agape. She knew Jim was waiting for her, but this opportunity may not present itself again for a while, if ever, if she pissed off her first professor, who also happened to be the department chair as it turned out. She rubbed her eyes tiredly, her fingers lingering across her cheeks, as she sighed,

“I’ll do it,” she said quietly, and picked up a pencil, turning attention to her teacher, who’d now placed herself on a stool in the center of the room, her eyes focused on Pam, waiting for her to begin.

“I’m an idiot,” she mumbled to herself quietly, her face hidden by the large easel and paper in front of her, and started moving lines across the page. Jagged, rough, frustrated lines.

Pam had practically sprinted back to her room, her fingers smudged with led, and a million reasons that tried to sound not pathetic as to why she wasn’t able to meet Jim. She was drenched in sweat from the September heat that still hadn’t rolled away from summer when she scrambled up the third floor of Millis Hall, practically banging on his door. After a few knocks, and Pam trying to slow her breathing, the mousy boy with the glasses and sandy hair opened the door, an ‘o’ forming around his lips.

“You’re Toby, right?” her words came between breaths. The boy just nodded, seeming to not be able to form words.

“I’m looking for Jim,”

“He’s not here,” he finally spoke, pushing his glasses further up the brim of his nose, they’d been falling down slowly the entirety of their conversation.

“When he gets back, can you um,” she glanced down at her feet. What the hell was she doing? “Just tell him Pam came by, okay?”

He nodded enthusiastically as he shut the door in her face. She wasn’t entirely sure Jim would even get that message.
It was approaching 8:30, and Karen still wasn’t home which she found odd since her classes had ended hours ago, but she was certain she’d already made plans and had better places to be then their dorm room. Pam was already engulfed in homework for her class from today, as well as preparing for her classes for tomorrow, and she had practically set up camp at her desk to work for the next few hours. She quickly realized that her bedtime was never again going to be 11pm. When she heard the laughter outside her door she froze, that was Karen, but. She stood up moving cautiously to the door when she heard the other voice. Jim was laughing at something Karen had said, and out of pure curiosity, or maybe a bit of self hatred she put her eye up to the peephole and looked out. Jim’s head was thrown back in a laugh, a smile stretched across his face, and Karen had an arm pulled around his waist. Pam felt her cheeks redden, and before she could step away she watched as Karen pulled him in quickly, pecked him on the lips, and rounded to their door. She moved quickly to her desk, and picked up her pencil pretending to be engrossed in her art when Karen walked in.

“Oh, hey Pam!” She said. It was too enthusiastic and it was making her feel sick to her stomach.

“Hi,” it was barely more than a whisper.

“Are you okay? I was going to see if you wanted to go to the gym with me.” Karen moved toward her desk, leaning her hip against it crossing her arms. She didn’t know Pam well, but in the few days she’d spent together she was surprised to find her roommate not even making eye contact with her.

“I’m too busy, I’ve got a lot of homework,” she didn’t move her eyes off the paper as she sketched, basically nothing, wishing Karen away from her. “Maybe next time,” Damn it, Pam, stop being so fucking polite. You’re pissed, remember?

“Okay, well, let me know if you change your mind, I’ve gotta go work dinner off, I ate way too much pasta tonight,” she rolled her eyes at herself, grabbing her gym bag and headed out the door as quickly as she’d come.

As soon as the door shut Pam rested her head on top of her supplies and let out a breath she felt she’d been holding for what seemed like hours.

Pam Beesly, you are here for school. You’re here to create beautiful things, get a degree, maybe move to New York City, and become somebody. You aren’t here to worry about stupid boys and the stupid girls they choose to kiss even if that girl happens to be far prettier than you are and sleeps four feet above you

She knew he was home, and how easy it would be to just walk across the hall, knock, give her explanation, but he clearly had no interest in seeing her. It was college after all, and flings barely lasted in high school. Guys like Jim had no interest in girls like her anyway, so who was she even fooling herself thinking he’d be interested. She felt her stomach groan and remembered she hadn’t eaten in hours. The dining hall would be closed by now and all she had in her room was some peanut butter and bottled water. She glanced at her purse hanging on the back of the door and found some cash her father had “secretly” slipped inside before leaving her and found her way down the hallway to the vending machines,

Nothing inside these machines would suffice as dinner, but she decided on two bags of chips, oreos (to dip in the peanut butter) and a diet coke would be better than nothing. It was only when she turned around that she gasped at the figure behind her, placing a hand to her chest and dropping one of her bags of chips.

“I scared you, I’m so sorry,” Jim fumbled, reaching down to grab the sour cream and onion chips before she could.
She stared at him blankly, unsure if she wanted to entertain this conversation, but polite Pam had a way of being reliable,

“It’s totally fine, I was just getting,” she stared at the items in her hands pathetically, “dinner”. She finished. Her eyes focused on his basketball shoes, taking in the large size of them in a bit of awe.

“Beesly,” he cocked his head to the side, a small grin dancing playfully on his face, “You can’t eat just that for dinner,”

“Well, nothings open and I,” she let her eyes meet his own for a moment and studied them, he didn’t seem hurt at all, not even concerned. Maybe he didn’t care that she’d not made it, maybe he was just trying to be friendly. Whatever it was, it let her stomach ease a little.

“Come with me,” he placed the items from her hands into his backpack, and took her by the hand toward the back of the building. Puzzled, she followed, not about to let go of the grip he had on her much tinier hand, and she cursed herself for letting her polish chip away from the biting she just couldn’t get ahold on.

“Where are we going?” she laughed as he pulled her up the set of stairs to the fifth floor, revealing a set of stairs leading to some sort of trap door in the ceiling. “What is that?” she asked with both curiosity and concern.

“Where I go when I want to be alone,” he gave her a proud smile, and pulled the stairs down toward him. Albeit a bit unstable, they were both able to crawl up the small ladder that led out to the roof of Millis. She stepped back quickly, her fear of heights quickly becoming apparent, and before she could stumble over the open manhole, he was behind her, catching her elbows into his chest.

“Careful,” he said quietly, he led her over to two lawn chairs overlooking the parking lot and the streets of Burlington in front of them.

“There’s two?”

“Yep, one’s mine,” he tapped one chair, “and the other was here,” he shrugged, “probably from when my brother Pete figured out how to get up here a couple years ago,”

She couldn't help but grin at him, wondering why she was up here, but took a seat in one of the chairs, regardless.

“So if this is where you come to be alone…”

“I’m sorry if I freaked you out,” he blurted out, his hands twisting in front of him, fiddling with the backpack straps in front of him.

“What?” she asked confused,

“When you didn’t show today, I just thought,” he shook his head pinching the brim of his nose and shutting his eyes, “I thought I freaked you out by coming by this morning, and I just wanted to make it up to you,” She listened, knowing full well he hadn’t scared her off, but the thought of him and Karen continued to race through her mind. He pulled two sandwiches out of his backpack, handing her one.

“It’s ham and cheese,”

“Why do you have these?” she laughed, taking a bite out of one, her starvation overtaking any concerns of where he acquired said sandwiches.

“I play basketball Pam, I’m always hungry, so...I’m prepared,” he lifted up his hands in a shrug, taking another bite of the sandwich and grabbing the chips, tossing her a bag.

She fixated on her sandwich, listening to herself chew for a few minutes, the awkward silence filling between them suddenly feeling comfortable.

“What’s that like?”

“What?”

“Playing basketball,” she wiped her mouth on a napkin, taking a drink of her soda.

“Oh,” he glanced up at the sky, and then back to her after a moment, “it’s alright I guess. I’m only doing it because my Dad’s making me,”

“Is that why you’re also pre-med?” she’d gained some courage,

He hummed through his lips into a ‘Yes’.

“You know,” she sipped her drink, “you really should study something you want to study. Otherwise,” she looked over at him, “you’ll end up leaving this place in four years no where different than you are right now,”

It was quiet as he pondered, and she wondered if she’d overstepped boundaries until he spoke. It had felt like hours had passed before he did.

“You’re smart Pam Beesly,” He lifted his can of grape soda up as she clinked her own can against his.

“I hope so,” she said quietly, “I really hope so,”

Her cheeks were warm from the wind that started to whip as they sat on the roof, as well as the giddy feeling she had after spending nearly two hours with Jim alone. She found her way back to her room, and it was nearing eleven.

Assuming Karen was fast asleep, she unlocked the door quietly, smiled at Jim as he popped into his own room, and slowly shut the door behind her. Her head fell against the back of the door, as she closed her eyes taking in the last few hours. So, maybe he liked Karen, but he was sweet, and easy to talk to, and if he wanted to be friends, well, she could figure that out. She needed a friend here, someone she could trust, and after reveling in stories of her childhood, and his stories of his very strange roommate, she felt a little closer to him that night.

“Where were you?” The voice came cutting out of nowhere, vibrating off the bare walls, and Pam jumped. Karen didn’t move from her position in bed, staring at the ceiling.
“Oh I um,” Her fingernails found their way back into her mouth absentmindedly. She chewed her thumb trying to think of the right words.

“James has a girlfriend,”

James?

“Oh,” her eyes looked toward the ceiling, and she sighed. How could she be so naive to think Karen wouldn’t notice, or better yet, say something.

“Yeah,” Karen mumbled, irritation in her voice, “So, if you think he’s single, he’s not. We’ve been together for years,”

Pam moved toward her bed, slipping her jeans off, and putting her pajama pants on quietly. She let the silence sit between them, Why didn’t he mention you? she wondered, if this was so serious between them, why wouldn’t Jim have mentioned it. And what was up with this James thing. She didn’t even like the way it sounded in her head, nevermind on Karen’s lips.

“Okay, well,” she pulled the covers up toward her chin, “Thanks for letting me know,” it was cold when it came out of her mouth.

Pam wasn’t sure if it was the chill of fall seeping it’s way into their room, or the coolness between them, but the room suddenly felt frigid.

***
It had been three weeks since the start of the semester and the piece that Pam was preparing for the art show was starting to come together. She was working on a self portrait for the show, something much more in depth than what she’d thrown together in an hour for her teacher, but she had been fixated on her eyes; erasing them and re-drawing over and over. Every time she went back to work on them, she found herself staring at the eyes of someone else, and not her own. She’d become obsessed with drawing them, and his eyes found themselves on her paper more than she would have liked to admit,

She’d given him space initially, not wanting to irritate Karen any further, but to be fair, she never saw them together. Karen had been rushing a sorority on campus and had become obsessed with spending all her time with her pledge sisters. When she told Jim about it one night over two cartons of luke-warm lo mein, he laughed so hard, he’d choked on a noodle.

“Was she like that at school too?” Pam asked, picking up a forkful of lo mein, as Jim poked at his own carton with chopsticks.

“Yeah she’s always been a little,” he dug the corners of his carton, “she’s just concerned with her image,” he took a bite, and she could tell bringing up high school was one of Jim’s least favorite things to talk about. She tried to avoid it, but he’d asked about Karen and how things were going between her and Pam, and inevitably it came up.

”Wait a minute,” she’d stood in front of his door the following day, asking for explanations that somehow hadn’t come up the night before on the roof. “You and Karen went to high school together? She went to boarding school in Connecticut.” Her hands were on her hips and eyebrow was raised in confusion.

“Yes,” he sighed, his head hanging. “And it was awful, so I don’t really talk about it,”

She was quiet for a moment, studying him, wondering what could have been so terrible about going to a high school in the middle of a city, with amazing athletic and arts programs, she wished she’d been able to afford a school like that.

“Your family must be-“

“I went on scholarship,” he interrupted her before she could say anymore. He bit his bottom lip, eyes trailing to the wall behind her.

“Listen, it’s not like that with Karen and I, she just,” he huffed out a sigh.

“She thinks we’re still...together, but we aren’t. That was a long time ago,”

Pam’s mind was flooded with the image of his hand around her waist, and Karen’s lips on his, but she shook it away.

“Come on,” he said, coming out of his room, “Let’s go get some lunch and I promise, you can ask me anything you want,”
She crossed her arms, her head tilted in submission as a smile spread across her face. It was hard to resist his charm, and she’d only been enamored with him for a few days. She couldn’t imagine an entire year living across from him, but Karen. Karen still worried her. She seemed very possessive over Jim, and the last thing she wanted to do was piss off the person who had first hand access to everything Pam owned.

“Okay, how about we start with this,” she giggled, “where are you from?”

“Nowhere exciting,” he smirked as they made their way downstairs to the dining hall,

“I seriously doubt it’s anymore boring then where I’m from,” she looked to him and made eye contact, she felt her hurt pull when it did, and quickly she glanced away, focusing on the stairs in front of her so she wouldn’t fall.

“Beesly, trust me, there is nothing exciting about Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania,”

She spat as she laughed, “Shut up, you are not,”

His face burned red, “I am,” he protested,

“I’m from Scranton,” she looked to him warmly, and he smiled at her,

“We both win,” he grabbed his ID card to swipe for dinner, “they’re equally as boring,”

Her feet were perched by his head, and his by hers. She’d become so comfortable in his room over the past few weeks. He did have a television, and a super nintendo, so it was a little more exciting than her room. Plus, with Karen pledging Kappa, she was never around anyway.

“So there’s something I wanted to talk to you about,” she set her dinner down, and moved her chin to her elbow, he sat up a little straighter, his head almost hitting the bottom of Toby’s bunk.

“I have this um,” her thumb made its way toward her mouth and he casually slipped his hand over, gently pushing hers down, intertwining his fingers in her own, urging her to continue with a smile, “it’s not a big deal, but I’m going to be featured in an art show,” She suddenly become fixated on the patterns on his sheets and his hands, toying with her fingers.

“Beesly, that’s amazing!, his eyes widened in pride, pushing himself all the way up, and when he smacked his head on the metal bar they both broke out in laughter, as he rubbed the back of his head.


“Yeah,” she said through laughter, “it’s just one piece, but there’s a lot of important faculty members who will be there and,” she trailed off as he moved closer to her, the eyes she couldn’t erase from her paper or her mind, only inches away from hers.

“I am so proud of you,” he’d cupped her face with both of his hands, warm against her chilled face, and Pam wasn’t certain she’d heard anything he’d just said. His voice was low, husky, it felt like he’d savored the sound for just this moment.

Her lips met his own, and stayed pressed just for a moment, as she realized this was not Roy. There was no devouring of her lips, just gentle pushes, pulls, and a tongue that crept in, almost asking for permission before doing so. After a moment or two, she pulled away, her cheeks flushed and a smile plastered on her face. His hand found the back of his neck, his regularly scheduled move of self consciousness,

“Jim,” it was her turn this time, to pull him in, her hand on his shoulder, bringing his body close to hers, careful not to bump her head on the bars, and she kissed him. She did so until she needed a breath, and when she broke away, she noticed just how glassy his eyes looked.

“You’re so pretty,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

The door opened quickly, and they both pulled back expecting to see Toby lurking in from class, books astray from his open backpack, and beads of sweat from the stairs. This time however, they were faced with a very irritated Karen, hands on her hips, and her lips pursed.

“Pam,” Pam felt as though she’d been caught by her mother doing something in her room that was forbidden, and immediately moved off the bed,

“Karen, just,” Jim sighed, getting up himself moving toward the door, “don’t” he finished.

She looked at Pam. and then to him, her eyes glancing back and forth.

“So, this is why you’ve been out every night,” she eyed Pam, the brown circles suddenly becoming slits before she slipped out the door, making sure to slam it forcefully behind her.

“I’m so sorry,” Pam grabbed her book bag with haste from his floor, and was trying to figure out where she’d even go, since her room didn’t seem as though it was an option,

“It’s not your fault, she just gets like this sometimes,” He stammered, his hands went into his jean pockets.

“I should go,” She pointed to the door and he nodded sheepishly, watching as she slipped out, as though she hadn’t been there at all. But the smell of dandelions and roses drifted over his bed as it had for weeks, and the memory of her all but faded away.

Part One

Pam hadn’t been feeling well since she woke up that morning, but her piece needed to be hung up with a description and a bio of herself in the art gallery before noon, and she had two classes before her show that night. The sweat on her forehead was growing steadily as she packed her backpack to bring down to the art building. Karen was still sleeping, so quietly she slipped out the door and down the hall, her stomach paining her the entire way. She sighed as she walked the long walk across the quad to Redstone Campus, her vision was feeling blurry, and she had to push herself the rest of the way up to the gallery.

“I thought I might find you here,” Jim sprawled out on the stairs to the building, books surrounding him, and his backpack open next to him, he looked as though he’d been there for a while.

“Hey Jim,”

He scrunched his eyebrows in concern and stood up to meet her glance, “Beesly, what’s going on with you?” The back of his hand slipped to her forehead, and his lips pursed. “You’re on fire,” his eyes were full of concern. She grabbed her side, and pushed through him to the stairs, setting her bag down.

“I don’t feel well,” she hated herself for whining, but she was unsure what was causing her so much pain, and she didn’t dare call her mother and worry her. She’d assumed the lasagna she ate the dining hall last night had been bad, and tried to focus her eyes on Jim.

“Does your side hurt?” He raised an eye and moved to sit down next to her, pulling her arm close into his shoulder.
She just nodded, resting her head back on his shoulder, “Something’s wrong,” she mumbled, “but I have to get my art up before noon, or I’ll get removed from the showcase,”

“Beesly, I’m not sure you’re going to make it to that showcase,” he bit his lower lip, a knowing look coming across his face.

“What are you talking about?” she glanced at him, inhaling quickly as she grabbed her side.

“Pam,” he started to put books back into his back, “You and I are going to go across the street,”

“Jim, I am not going to the Emergency Room, I’m telling you I’m fine and I have to go to my show!,” she growled, and he rolled his eyes.

“Stand on your tiptoes, and if you can do that without it hurting, I won’t make you go,” He eyed her with a smirk.

“You have yourself a deal,” she stood up, taking a hand from him, and as soon as she put weight on the top of her toes, she collapsed.

“Beesly,” he shook her, her eyes had closed,

“Pam,” this time his voice was raised in concern.

“I need help!” she wasn’t moving in his arms as a couple professors made their way over to them at a slight jog.

***

“I promise, it’s going to be fine,” she glanced over at him, completely ashamed of the state she was in. Her hair, damp with sweat, surrounded her face in unruly curls, and she was dressed in the most unflattering of gowns, an IV sticking out of her hand.

“How do you know,” she’d felt slightly better after they had given her something for the pain, and some fluids, but the pain was still persistent in her side, and it was becoming unbearable.

“Because, when I was nine, I had my appendix out too, and I promise you’re going to be just fine,” his chin rested on the bars on the side of the bed, a hand intertwined with her own.

“Don’t worry,” it was as though he knew what to say before she even thought it, “I already called your parents, they’re on their way, but,” he stopped. He began to rub circles over her knuckles, nurses moving quickly around them,

“What?” her eyes furrowed.

“They’ve got to get you into surgery before they come,”

“What?” she sat up in concern, her arms barely holding up her small frame, “No way, I can’t go back there without them, and I’ve,” her eyes began darting around the room in panic, “I’ve never had surgery, and I’m…” he watched as her eyes brimmed with tears.

His voice was barely above a whisper, “You’re scared, I know,” He pushed his chair as close to the bed as he could, and shut the curtains around them in the small ED room, “but you are so strong, and I promise, you go back and you fall asleep and you won’t feel a thing,” he lowered the bar next to Pam,

“Push over,” he smiled at her.

She didn’t feel strong in that moment, and she was fighting the tears desperately wanting to fall down her face. She moved over to the left side of the bed leaving just enough room for his long lean body.

“I’m freezing,” she mumbled, but he felt her body literally burning up.

“Come here,” he pulled his arms around her shoulders as she collapsed into him,

“I don’t want to do this,” that was it. The tears had come. And she wasn’t sure if they would stop.

He ran his hands through her hair, easing his fingers through the knotted curls, and tying her hair back away from her face with an elastic she’d had around her wrist.

“You have to, but I will stay right here with you until they take you back, I’m not going anywhere,”

She sighed against his chest, wiping tears from her face.

“I want my Mom,” she cried in between hiccups.

“I know,” he pressed a kiss to her head, and began running circles along her back, “and she’ll be here so soon, when you wake up, she’ll be right here,” he held her a little tighter.

“Is it going to hurt?” she looked up at him, “after I mean,”

“A little,” he nodded, “but when you wake up, they’re going to give you medicine so that you don’t feel the pain as much, and I’ll get you as much Ben and Jerry’s as you want. And that’s a promise,” he winked at her.
She sat back as her surgeon pulled the curtain back, smiling, finding both of them in the bed.

“Hmmm,” he gave Jim a wink, “which one of you is the patient?”

“He is,” Pam pointed at Jim, giving a small laugh.
Jim chuckled, rubbing a thumb along her cheek.

“Miss Beesly, we need to bring you back now, and take care of that appendix of yours,” the doctor had kind eyes, and gave her a smile, before slipping his mask on.

She turned to Jim, the anxiety creeping into her hands as she gripped his shirt. Before he crawled out of bed, he cupped her face, bringing it close to his ears,

“You’re strong Beesly, and you’re going to do great back there, I’ll be waiting right here, and I promise all the ice cream and cuddles you need when you’re done,” She felt her cheeks blush, this side of Jim new and exciting fighting her fear. But he was here, and that was all that mattered in that moment.

When they wheeled her back, she glanced back at him, he was standing by the spot where her bed was, hands in his pockets a smile on his face. There was love in those eyes and she could feel it, even as she began to get more and more groggy.