Phillip's Displays of Anguish by grc73
Summary: Set in the near future, a college-aged Phillip Halpert and his girlfriend accidentally discover The Office: An American Workplace, and something quite unexpected about his parents. Set against Episode 7.16 - PDA.
Categories: Jim and Pam, Future Characters: Jim/Pam, Other, Phillip Halpert
Genres: Drunk Pam/Jim, Kids/Family, Married, Oneshot, Romance, Workdays
Warnings: Mild sexual content
Challenges: Empty Nest
Challenges: Empty Nest
Series: None
Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes Word count: 1764 Read: 1226 Published: March 05, 2021 Updated: March 05, 2021

1. Chapter 1 by grc73

Chapter 1 by grc73
Author's Notes:

Long time lurker, first time writer.

I wrote something. Actually I have written *some* things, but they are not ready yet, and this one just got written in an hour or so and is ready to post. Absolutely no idea where this materialised from. It just popped into my head. Very silly. And unbeta'd (sorry). And I may have just drunk some wine to get enough courage to post this.

Edit: NLM added Phil as an official character - yay!

Phil Halpert arrived back in his dorm room with two coffees in hand.

“Hey, I’m back,” his gently southern lilt filling the room.  "I had to go to the place down the road, they closed the campus one, the machine was broken again.” His girlfriend Lisa was staring at the TV in rapt attention, having just about ignored his return.

“Phil. You have to see this.” She didn’t even look away from the screen to greet him.

“What is it?” He plopped down gently next to her on his bed, handing her a latte and kissing her temple. She briefly flicked a smile at him before turning her attention back to her show, the subject of which he did not immediately register until something, or rather someone rather familiar appeared.

“That’s your mom and dad, right? What are they doing on TV?”

“Holy Crap.” Phil was very familiar with his parents’ epic love story, thanks to many anecdotes he’d heard; not to mention the fact that in the nearly twenty years since they’d moved to Austin, they were still all over each other like teenagers when they thought no one was watching (probably even more than he and Lisa, he’d reflected after his last trip home.) Phil and his sister Cece had almost walked in on them on multiple occasions through their teens, both hitting the cusp of scarring for life territory when one or other of them had come home unexpectedly early from a late sports practice or an evening out, so they’d both started to make a point of coming in quite loudly and slowly to give their parents enough time to stop making out on the sofa, or, even worse, scramble to make themselves decent.  Cece and Phil both thought it was cute that their mom and dad were still hot for each other after so long, but also slightly icky because, well, parents.

Phil was vaguely aware from the stories that they’d had cameras filming at Dunder Mifflin for a while, but he’d never seen the show or really knew just how long filming had continued, nor just how much had been captured. Aside from the DVD Jim had made for Pam at the end of their ‘difficult’ period when Pam had been juggling her job and two children under three, and Jim had been juggling two jobs, the Halperts had not kept copies of any of the documentary and had been years since it had last aired. He didn’t even know that he’d had a couple of brief cameos on screen as a baby, although Pam had kept the photo taken on ‘Family Photo Day’ on the fridge as a joke (primarily aimed at Jim). Phil had heard the story several times over of his paranoid father not trusting Uncle Dwight.

Lisa looked at him quizzically. He'd still not answered her question.

“Um, there was a reality TV documentary, mostly before I was born, about the place they worked when they first met, before they moved to Texas. I mean, it wasn’t just about them, it was about the whole branch, but a lot was about my mom and dad and our family friends - Michael, Dwight & Angela – I think I told you about those guys?” Lisa nodded.  “I’ve never seen it, but my grandmas talk about it still occasionally, mainly about how it showed how long it took mom and dad to get together because they were both too scared to confront their feelings.”

Watching the screen, he couldn’t help but have his interest piqued. How could he not: his parents were sort of TV stars?  This could be fun to watch.

“So,” he wrapped the free arm not holding a coffee around Lisa, “What’s going on?” 

“Well, it’s Valentine’s Day and your parents have just come back from a boozy lunch. They are definitely together at this point. They are kind of hilarious!”

Lisa had met Jim and Pam several times now – she and Phil had started dating over a year ago. She’d met them when they’d come to visit, and even stayed at the Halperts last Thanksgiving when her own parents had decided to vacation over the holiday. She really liked them - they were pretty chilled and had been really nice to her from the first moment she’d met them:

 

“Just call us Jim and Pam” Jim had said with a broad smile as he noted Phil’s taste in women wasn’t far off his own. He noted the pretty face with long loose curls, green eyes with a twinkle to them and the hourglass figure they were attached to.  He also recognised the way Phil and Lisa looked at each other as Phil introduced them, as a very familiar one. “I think she’s a keeper” Jim whispered to his wife as he squeezed her hand.

 

Lisa thought that Pam was really pretty, even knowing she'd just hit fifty, and Lisa could see why Phil’s mom was so into Phil’s dad - Phil had inherited Jim’s height and good looks as well as his sense of humour. They’d looked after themselves - aged really well when she considered they would have been, what, not even thirty, when this had been filmed. Lisa hoped she and Phil looked like that when they hit middle age.

They watched for a few minutes. Phil knew most of the people on screen – some of them better than others, and a couple not really at all (that Creed guy was especially strange) but it was so weird seeing the younger versions of his parents’ friends behave quite inappropriately.  It was cringey, but also really funny. He quite enjoyed it.

However, there was the little matter of his own mom and dad.

They looked great: pretty similar to today, but obviously looking a fair bit younger. He’d seen them a little tipsy before, but he was really surprised at just how drunk they appeared to be on camera. It was amusing to start with, until the subject of public displays of affection in the office was broached on screen.

Lisa started cracking up as she saw them having their breakroom conversation, then trying to find places to hook up in the warehouse, and then soon after, Ryan confronting them as they attempted to use his closet. Phil put his hand over his eyes and watched through his fingers as they had their talking head together.

“I can’t watch this. This is my mom and dad talking about sex, Lise!” Phil whispered the word sex.

“When did you become such a prude?” She nudged his shoulder with her own. “Come on, this is really interesting!”

“Yeah, like a car crash. It’s been bad enough the times Cece or I came home when dad was working from home, only ‘working’ was not what I’d have called it, with mom, and most of their clothes were on the floor…”

“This is your parents’ actual history! Don’t you want to see it?”

 

“And besides, we have something those other people don’t have: a home and a bed…”

“And a shower”

 

“Oh God, this is horrible. I did not want to know that. I did not need to know that.”

Lisa laughed as she looked from a mortified Pam onscreen, to Pam’s son mirroring the exact same expression immediately next to her.

“Well, actually it’s kinda cool. Your mum and dad were totally into each other, even then. You know, we haven’t tried that yet…” Lisa winked at him. He rolled his eyes. “Look,” she said to distract him, “Tell me about those other people?”

Phil started to explain the people he knew about, the ones his parents were in regular contact with. He relaxed a little and enjoyed seeing Michael and Holly being their goofy selves, the former looking a lot less grey than he knew him.

It was going well until a few minutes later it cut to his parents again, who having not been present for several scenes, were filmed walking back into the bullpen. He knew that look - it was the same shifty look he’d seen multiple times before when he’d almost caught them in the act, and then his worst fears were realised:

 

“We took a walk.”

“We took a walk.”

 

Phil knew that smile from mom when dad had just kissed her, especially one of those kisses that suggested at as soon as the kids were out, and they had the house to themselves… Ugh. She still had that smile plastered on her face far too regularly. Parents really shouldn’t ever do that, he decided.

Lisa recognised that look too – he’d got that from Pam. It was the same cocky little smirk Phil had when he was particularly pleased with himself. Sometimes he had that look straight after they’d been doing the same sort of thing as it appeared that Phil’s parents just had. She was more amused than shocked. If it had been her own parents, well - she’d have probably found it horrifying, but as someone else’s parents, they’d just got even cooler as far as she was concerned. But something was nagging Phil.

“What channel is this?”

“PBS.  I just happened upon it when I was channel hopping. Looked really… boring actually, so I just wanted to see why they had bothered with a reality show about an office. Then then I saw your parents in the last episode whilst you were out. They’re running some sort of ‘Office Marathon’ this weekend. Anyway, when I switched it on, your Grandma Helene had just accidentally locked your sister in the car while she had a fever and your dad drove off in a hurry, leaving Michael at a petrol station.”

Phil looked up at the TV again and the colour drained from his face as that story and its timing re-emerged in his memories of Halpert family history. He scrambled with his phone to find the TV listings. Although the guide said the footage was aired in September 2013, the filming date said February 2011.

“Oh. My. God. No. No. No! No! No!” He shook his head back and forth.

“What is it, Babe?” She looked at him, now genuinely concerned. “Phil?”

“I think I feel slightly nauseous.”

“What?” He handed her the phone.

“Look at the dates.” Phil had done the maths. He was born in December 2011. Nine months. He may have just seen the immediate aftermath of his own conception. It was just too much.

“Be grateful,” sniggered Lisa, “at least they kept their clothes on this time.”

End Notes:
There it is. Please be kind to a lowly noob. I like fair and constructive feedback.
This story archived at http://mtt.just-once.net/fanfiction/viewstory.php?sid=5997