Pam felt like she floated back home. At one point she was winning straight in Poker, next she was kissing Jim in the darkened office and next she was dropped off by Meredith to her house, which she shared with Roy. Roy , her ten years boyfriend slash 5 years Fiance and soon to be her husband.

Did she really cheat on him ?? How could she do that to him?? A voice inside her said “You did it again !!”. She shushed it by quickly responding “Dundies didn’t count”. She was really drunk that night and upset at Roy for dragging her and being all rough when she has told him million times now she doesn’t like to be treated like that. She tried to waive tonight's kiss too by saying she was a bit drunk again. But the voices came back “I think we are just drunk” “I am not drunk , are you drunk” “No”.

Why would Jim do that? She was going to use the same excuse of alcohol laced courage and make this night just another fluke in her world where she was with Roy and Jim is her best friend and everything was just as is.

She felt so filled with guilt, she never took herself as the girl who would stray. She had high morals, not as high as I-am-dating-Dwight-in-secret Angela but high enough to be able to see herself in the mirror. Had she been leading Jim all this time ? She did know about his crush but he said it was a silly crush which was over years ago right. How could she know he still harboured those feelings for her ? She was just friendly to him and played pranks together. He was her best friend in the office...and now they have shared that kiss and she feels all….confused.

She needs to sleep on it. This is way more complicated for a night like this. She just needs time to figure this all out. Like her mom said - This needs some thinking over and rationalising. She went to bed in a fitful sleep. Her weekend went in the same haze where she was distracted and couldn't focus on any wedding preparations as she had planned before. She didn’t care that Roy wanted to spend the weekend with Kenny and his other buddies because “Pammy we will soon be married, just a few more weeks before I’ll be tied to the old ball and chain” he laughed. 

She was relieved to be left alone and spoke to her mother again. She told her that she feels weird about what happened and she is still not sure why it happened but it doesn’t change anything. All the invitations have been sent out, everybody knows she is getting married to Roy and this is in the works for years now. She doesn’t want this one isolated strange event to make any..disturbance to her homeostasis.

She rationalized that perhaps this is again Jim’s silly crush resurfacing and she doesn’t have to worry about anything. They are best friends and will always be. They can talk this through.

Her resolve failed on the morning of next Monday when she had to get ready to work. She was dreading facing Jim and told Roy that she is taking a day off. 

She needed more time to deal with this mess in her head, she told herself.

Roy reminded her that she has to save her vacation days for their honeymoon and got impatient at her lack of planning. She conceded and drove to work with him.

Her heart was racing when she entered the office, terrified of seeing him and his desk and remnants of that night. She hung her coat up and without turning her head, just moved to her desk and focused her eyes on the computer. She set the screen up to block Jim’s desk view. She could feel in her periphery that he hadn't come yet and that gave her another wave of panic and she went to the kitchen to prepare herself a cup of tea. 

She was not ready to see Jim walking in and was ready to bolt to the restroom if he walked to the kitchen. It was already 20 minutes when she realized Jim was not in yet and the phones at the reception were ringing non stop. 

She walked back to her desk and tried to calm her nerves before answering the phone. It was Jan, asking to connect with Michael. She ditched listening to their conversation, she didn’t have the energy to concentrate at this point. Looks like Jim is playing hooky. Dwight seemed to have got the similar idea too because he yelled at Michael and entered his office, animatedly complaining about Jim’s tardiness. It was really interesting how two people could be affected by Jim’s absence in two very different ways.

Maybe he was not ready to face her as well. The thought didn’t help her feel any better.  She looked up at Jim’s desk and realized it looked different than every day. There were no pictures of his brothers, nor of his parents. His usual files were not set up on his table and it looked empty, sans his computer and his desk phone. 

Right then Michael came out with Dwight and demanded everybody’s attention and ushered everyone in the conference room. She went in and sat, leaving one chair on her side, out of habit. Michael announced that there are two big news to share and he is melancholic about one while exuberant about the other, sort of melanburant situation. 

“Jim’s not here and there is a reason for it. And I can’t believe this has really happened.  He should be ashamed he kept it from us and Pam you should be ashamed too for not telling us either. I don’t understand why you guys wouldn’t tell me. I am his confidante”

Pam was livid now. Did Jim really tell Michael about Casino night and left her here alone to deal with all the questions while staying back home himself ?

Phyllis asked her what’s really happening but Pam was out of words to respond before Michael started again “Jim has moved on to Stamford branch, leaving his Scranton family behind..for a paltry little promotion to Assistant Regional Manager. He didn’t tell me about it, and Pam you didn’ either. What the hell ?”

Pam felt numb at that moment. Moved...to Stamford.. For promotion.. When?? She realized a moment later that she had spoken the last word out loud when Michael replied “Looks like from today. Didn’t you know?”

She only shook her head, still not able to comprehend what was happening. Probably this was some kind of elaborate plan he came up with on the weekend. It sounds like a grand prank and she just needs to wait it out to play. She felt relieved and a little disappointed that Jim didn't let her in on this but she could let it go. They are going to laugh at it together in the end and it wouldn’t matter that they didn’t collaborate on this.

She was lost in her own thoughts when Michael seemed to start clapping and so were others and she looked up to realize that he was hugging Ryan in a death grip. He finally released him after Ryan’s incessant struggle and shook hands and said “Ryan Howard ladies and gentleman, our very new sales rep and Jim’s replacement”. She rewinded the noise before the applause in her head to realize that Michael did say words like Jan shared news about Jim, and how Michael came up with idea of hiring Ryan in sales in his place and Jan agreed to his proposal.

She felt even more confused now. Could Jim can get Jan on his prank and orchestrate this whole thing? Maybe he got someone else to speak to Michael in her voice. But she picked up the call and it was from the corporate headquarters and it was Jan’s number.

Everybody started leaving the conference room but she didn’t move. She was still processing everything when Phyllis stopped with her and asked if she really didn't know about Jim’s transfer. When Pam looked just as blank, Phyllis curtly replied that perhaps it is for the best and left.

Pam felt her heart fall in her stomach. Her best friend has left.

Pam doesn’t remember much where her day went. She felt sick in her stomach when her meemaw called her sharing that she has received her “Save the Date” invite and how much she is looking forward to seeing her favorite granddaughter getting married. 

Michael’s apparent despair faded once Ryan took Jim’s former chair but Pam only felt her emptiness deepening seeing him there instead of her best friend. Dwight looked disgruntled with Ryan’s appearance on his desk clump, saying amateurs shouldn't be sharing space with his superior sales skilled self. She, for once agreed with him, that Ryan didn’t fit there. Nobody really did but Jim. She thought back on the day Michael sat there one time, sending Jim back to the annex and she was annoyed all day, missing him and itching to go see him back there and almost did when Roy showed up. She didn't want to upset him and instead left messages to Jim, to not feel so disconnected. She felt that was one of the worst day she had and look where she is now.

She kept to herself most of the day except at lunch when she needed the distraction. She went to sit with the rest of her colleagues in hopes of ignoring the sinking feeling for not having her regular lunch partner with her. 

Her relief lasted only a few minutes before everyone started discussing Jim’s abrupt departure and off-handedly asking her in between if she knew anything about his promotion, the salary upgrade, move to Big city Stamford, being closer to NYC (and far away from here...from her). She practically ran off from the break room to get some air. She was overcome with guilt and felt she was responsible for Jim’s sudden disappearance from their lives.

She was happy when it was 5’o o'clock and this day was going to end. She wanted to rush home and go to bed and forget the world and pretend it is going to be okay. That it is not the end of the world that her best friend confessed his love for her, whom she rejected, then kissed, then rejected again has left without telling her and never bothered to tell her about his promotion opportunity, interview and transfer. That he hated her so much after her response that he didn’t even say bye to her before moving two states away. Two States. She looked up online how far it is, it turned out to be really far. Too far. 

She was quiet her whole ride home and was grateful to Roy for not saying anything. She went home, made dinner and fell into a restless sleep. It was already Thursday when Roy got irritated with her for making “Ham and Cheese” sandwiches now 4 days in a row. He left to hang out with Kenny when Pam’s mom called her. She reminded her of the seamstress’s appointment they had for Saturday for her dress’s final fitting. Pam tried to talk to her mom about her day, now days at work since Jim left but Helene sounded really preoccupied with upcoming D-Day. Pam felt nauseated with the mention of it once again. This has been happening to her, each time anyone talks about June 10th. Initially she confused it with butterflies in her stomach only to realize that she is frowning when Kelly asked her “If she is feeling peaky” and jokingly suggested if she is having second thoughts. Pam laughed off awkwardly at Kelly’s suggestion but felt even more confused because the idea didn’t make her disgusted but hopeful, before she dismissed her thoughts and got back to her fax.

Pam was sitting on the couch, looking at the long list of people who had been sent the “Save the date” cards and checking off the RSVP. She reached Jim’s name and felt a mix of anger and sadness and left the task to move on to get something to drink. Realizing that they are out of milk, she called Roy to ask him to bring that and a few more grocery items for tomorrow’s lunch. He was reluctant “Pam I am going to be late and you could make a run, it’s just around the corner”,but when she added to him that he could pick a crate of beer as well since they were almost out, he readily agreed. She smiled to herself, how well she knows him. She knew what gets him going, what he would like and what he wouldn’t. 10 years of relationship and she could read him like the back of her hand. He is predictable and wouldn’t just up and run away without so much as a “goodbye”. She's going to marry this one. This was meant to be. She felt a new energy in herself and got back to looking at brochures for their honeymoon. 

It was only next morning when she saw the fridge full with vanilla yogurt that she called out Roy. She asked him about why he brought vanilla when Roy distractedly responded that she asked him to bring flavored yogurt, while buttoning up for work. She could sense that an argument was about to begin but she couldn’t help herself, and asked him again why he brought Vanilla when he knew she didn't like that one. Roy answered in the annoyed tone that it was not his job and yet he brought that stuff while she was wasting time “drawing mindlessly on pages” and now she is throwing tantrums over choice of yogurt. How does it matter anyway, they are all the same. And he remembers it well that she likes it since forever, and left to start the car. Pam felt something shifting inside, she did like Vanilla 3 years back but one time she got sick after eating that and switched to berry flavored ones, sticking to wild berries, strawberry and her favorite mixed berry. Did Roy not know that ? Did he not know that she enjoys doodling, and it’s not just her leisure but more than that? Wasn’t he the one who would call her “Mindless drawings” as work of Art and even if she was “Artsy Fartsy Pammy”, he liked her just for being that?

Her reverie was interrupted by Roy’s Truck horn, she knew that the volume is just a reflection of his impatience. She put the vanilla yogurt in her purse and made her way to Roy. In an attempt to change the mood, Pam commented how she found great beaches to explore in Hawaii last night. Roy grunted noncommitly, but Pam was determined to make this right. She talked about how they could stay at one resort instead of booking at two different places and just explore the place on foot. Her excitement increased thinking of the sights and the landscapes and how she would just carry her sketch pad everywhere and capture everything beautiful. She was still listing out things she saw in the brochure last night, when Roy finally spoke “We are going to Mexico Pam” with a hint of condescension.  Pam was too shocked to respond before finally uttering “When did we decide that?’. Roy stated it was cheaper and they could use the remaining money for Truck’s upgrade. He added he already told the tour agent to book it for them . She opened her mouth to protest when he said “it’s too late to change their mind now”. Before Pam could process it all, the office building came into view and Roy parked the truck. He got out without waiting for her response and asked her to hurry. Pam stood at the Parking lot, while Roy was already on his way to the warehouse, his last words ringing in her head

It was a slow Friday. Everyone was looking like trying to get past the day quickly, to just jumpstart on the weekend. It was supposed to be pleasant and many of them had plans for a summer outing.

“Bob Vance and I are going to lake Scranton for some skinny dipping. It is most fun when it’s bright and warm”. Pam overheard Phyllis telling Meredith about her Saturday afternoon plans.

She thought back on her own, she is going to her parent’s place to get the dress fitted, where Penny is also coming over for the weekend. While Pam always stayed close to her parents, stuck around in Scranton, her sister was more of a rebel, moving to Philadelphia shortly after high school. She worked there before taking admission in Penn State University.

It was quite a risk to just up and leave for a new city without any connection but Penny would always say ‘Well you can’t know how hard it is until you try”. It’s pretty much like what Jim told her 'You gotta take a chance on something’, Well she isn’t like either of them. She doesn’t like games of chance. She likes to keep it planned ahead and no risks. 

Jim did the same with his Stamford move, he just went for it. No planning, perhaps that’s why he never told her about it. He just got up and went after what he wanted. Apparently a promotion this time. 

She was again staring at Jim’s desk when Toby broke her line of concentration. He asked her if she was doing okay. He added how he has noticed that she has been looking little, “despaired” he said delicately. 

When Pam waved him off saying that it’s nothing, Kevin came to her desk complaining that she has not filled the jellybeans case in 3 days and that’s very unusual of her. Creed also joined the group “Since we are on the subject of the receptionist failing her work responsibilities, she hasn’t smiled at me in 4 days now. And it is not just me, but I don’t care about others”.

Kevin agreed “Yes Pam, you have started to look like Angela, and I do know you are no Angela because Angela doesn’t have Big..” when Pam quickly cut him off “Okay okay, Here you all Go'' flashing her typical fake smile. 

“Now if you all could excuse me, I have a lot of real work to do.”

“Well Actually Pam, I want you to fax these documents over to Stamford.Jim sent me these to be signed off by HR and Michael, as part of joining formalities. I am trying to get to Michael since Monday but he wouldn’t listen.Jim needs them today and well I can’t risk it.Do you mind taking them to him”

Hearing Stamford and Jim wiped off the fake smile off her face. Her heart lurched again, and she could only nod dumbly and took the folder from Toby. She looked at the clear folder and wondered what it said. Michael was talking to Dwight in his office and Pam decided that it must be urgent what they are talking about so this file could wait.

She reasoned with herself that Jim has waited all week and he can wait a few more hours. It’s not like he is waiting outside the office building to take them with himself. He has already moved there...right ? Could it be possible he hasn’t moved yet and is still in Scranton ?

A surge of hope ran through Pam, in that moment. Maybe she could see her best friend one more time and talk about ...well something, anything. This is the longest they haven’t spoken since they’ve met. But he never said anything to her, if he was still around. Maybe he didn’t want to see her after all. Pam was feeling dizzy with her thoughts going back and forth.

One way to find out, she decided. She flipped open the folder and read through the text. Her eyes swept through words like employee requested interview, Joining date was rescheduled - as per employee request for asap and at the bottom was Jim’s signature with date. It was the Saturday after Casino Night. 

Jim applied for the job in Stamford. She didn’t send him away, he chose to leave her here, for the promotion. And just before moving, he threw this...Bomb on her, bringing this storm to her otherwise peaceful life. He dropped by on Saturday to the office to leave these documents but didn’t bother to send a goodbye text to her. Who was she kidding when she thought he left because of her and what she said? Because he couldn’t bear to be here while all this time he was planning just that. There was no impulse, this is what he was working towards. And he just never said anything to her. Not a word. Some friend huh..

Pam blinked away the tears pooling in her eyes and resolved to not think of Jim or anything about him anymore. He clearly didn't want to be his friend and she is fine with his choices. She dropped the folder unceremoniously on the big pile of paperwork Michael is yet to sign and decided against pushing him for it. He will find time for it when he does and Jim can suck it. She doesn’t need him, she has other friends at the office. Repeating that in her head, she bee-lined to break room to sit with her colleagues, nope her real friends, who are still there and haven’t left her..she means here.

Pam was scooping another spoon from her yogurt cup when Meredith said “Well that’s disgusting”. “Yes it is” Pam agreed looking up. Looking up at her co-worker’s raised eyebrows, she added “The Vanilla Yogurt ! That’s what you were talking about right ?”. Meredith unabashedly replied ”I meant your face, but sure”.

“Well I can’t help it. This taste the worst”

“So you don’t have to eat it” Stanley lazily replied. Looking annoyed to have to state the obvious.

“No Roy bought this for this like enough for at least 2 weeks. I used to like them before. I can’t throw away all of what I have”

“Pam, why would you want to keep eating it for the rest of the time when you clearly don’t like it?” Oscar’s condescension chimed in.

“There are no mixed berries at the office anymore”

“They’ll come back”

“You think ?”Pam couldn’t hide the hint of hope..

“Umm...I don’t know” Oscar withdrew.

‘Well I guess and even if they don’t. Doesn't mean you have to stick to what you have just because you used to like it at some point. You don’t like it anymore and that should be reason enough to part with it, In fact give it to someone who may actually enjoy it. It is a waste of food Pam and that’s a sin” said Kevin sagely.

“Kevin, would you like to take some of them”

“Oh no Pam, I don’t like yogurt. Not Vanilla, not Mixed Berry and not greek. Yogurt Ice cream could be my thing though. Could you make your vanilla yogurt into an ice cream?”

“No Kevin, I tried making frozen yogurt, I couldn’t. And then mixed berries came along and well, I liked it a lot and I stopped trying for other flavours. I am trying to get back to my previous preference now”

“Well, once you move on from a certain food, especially after years of having it, It is really hard to go back. I found that with men in my case” said Meredith with a wink in her direction. 

Pam looked back at her vanilla cup. More than half of it, still taunting back at her. She looked back at the time, realizing she has taken her entire hour of break just going back and forth on this and yet she hasn’t finished it. She was contemplating what to do with it and decided to put it back on her desk and get back to it later. 

It was after 5 when she finally decided to dump the yogurt in the trash, sighing for not being able to push herself to have it. It felt strangely lighter to see it in trash before she looked up and found Roy peeking down at her from across her desk.. She instantly felt guilty for throwing the Yogurt and  got ready to hear him hacked off when he said “Pammie I am going for drinks with the gang downstairs. Do you think you could catch a ride with one of your crew?”

“Roy, I thought we will be discussing party favors tonight. We have to put the order so they’ll be here next week”

“Pam, I think you could do that well. It doesn’t matter what you pick as long as it’s cheap right”

“Roy, you are not serious.You told me we are going to do that this week and we are already on the weekend. You know I am not there for next two days, I am meeting Penny and my Mom to get my dress fitted and look into bridal party arrangements”

“Cmon’ Pam don’t be like this. You know I am not good at this girl stuff but you are. I know you will figure it out. Just ask someone and get home and get down to it. I’ll see you later tonight or may be tomorrow. Planning to get sloshed” he winked.

“Roy, it’s not girl stuff, it's our wedding stuff and I am really stressed about all this. The work has been little weird and wedding preparations are just a lot. I think we should talk about it. How about we drive together before you head out. ”

“I don’t want to be late Pam, we are going on the other side of town, Where is Halpert ? You can ask him. He is your best friend right. He won't mind and you could talk to him about all these “stuff””

Hearing his name from Roy’s mouth, standing at the same spot, leaning at her desk, did the trick. She quickly picked up her stuff and told Roy she would manage and bid him goodbye. She looked around the empty office. 

She felt miserable, thinking back about how much Roy trusted her and her friendship with Jim. She is a horrible person to do that to him, her boyfriend of 9 years and fiance for 3. She is going to make up to him. She could take care of party favors, she doesn’t need to bother him for that. After all, he is also busy….spending time with his friends. Friends he doesn’t kiss when he isn't drunk. 

Pam made it home, calling a cab. She needed to get it together. She hates how her mind and body reacts every every time “Jim’s “ name comes up. It’s like he has become her “Voldemort”. “Oh, he would have laughed at this thought. Him being ‘You-know-who” “. She smiled at the thought of sharing the joke before her heart pained that she couldn't anymore. No more jokes and dorking around. 

She thought of calling him many times throughout the week but dropped the idea, looking back at how they left things. His confession, her rejecting him and heartbreak written all over his face. God he seemed so, dismissive when she said that he is her best friend, how candidly he said he wanted more than that. And if that’s not enough, her kissing him and then doing it all over again to him by saying she will be marrying Roy. He must hate her now that he didn’t tell her about his move. And she has no right to call him, only to remind him how she misses her friend. 

She  took a cold shower and changed into her pajamas. She took out a pint of beer from the fridge, muttering to herself that Roy again forgot to bring a bottle of wine. She wanted to focus and took out her wedding book to look for Party favors ideas. She had dogeared a few pages she thought would work for her and Roy. There were shot glasses that could be customized with their names, also those scented candles with those metallic holders which she could get customized with their initials and also those miniature flower bouquet paper weights made of fake flowers, which could have lot of colorful mix of  roses and lilies, just like the what she has picked for their wedding venue. She was still going back and forth on the best one when something caught her eyes. She hadn’t paid attention to this one much before, it was a pair of white dove salt and pepper cellars. They looked very distinct from the rest of the colorful options in the rest of the page. The more she looked at them the more she realized that they reminded her of those paper doves she made during the Office Olympics. That was a good day. 

She wondered how Jim would have reacted if she would give him that as a memento of their good time together, like he did with his Christmas gift last winter. How much thought he had put into that gift, those little reminders of their friendship and time together. How meticulously he picked each of those memories to make a reminiscing Box for her. She knew if she would give Jim this pair of doves, he would know exactly what they are for.

She took out her pen and paper to write the number down the address and phone number of the seller when she looked back up at the page to realize what she was supposed to do with that page. She admonished herself for getting distracted again with another of Jim’s memories. It’s like everything these days is taking her to him. The thought scared her and she tore that page off and dropped it on the floor. She shouldn’t be thinking of Jim, it’s her and Roy’s time. The one she has been waiting for years now. She went back to her original ideas and thought of the party favors she had years back, each holding a meaning of their own. The shot glasses had a little drawing of a lake house, which has been her’s and Roy’s regular vacation place over the years. The candle she selected had a whiff of red velvet, something both Roy and Pam liked and then the bouquet from her Prom, which Roy asked her for. At the end she circled the Red Velvet Candles. Something they both like and something which is them, through and through. 

It was already 7 in the morning when she realized that she went to sleep on the couch last night. She cracked her neck, regretting to lounge on the sofa with each muscle in her neck tensing with slight movement. She  wondered if Roy came home at all, because she was out like a light and didn't think she could have heard anything if he did. And indeed he was in their bedroom, sleeping soundly. Pam felt a touch of irritation for his obvious ignorance to her absence in their bedroom. She told him many times in the past that she doesn’t do well with sleeping on the couch, because her neck and shoulders get strained with her weird angles, and has given him a free pass to wake her up to remind her to go to bed. 5 years back, he wouldn’t mind carrying her himself, and now.. Well he forgets. But he came late and probably too drunk to realize where Pam is..too drunk to care...Well she shouldn’t have slept there in the first place, reprimanding herself for the slip up and went back to get ready to go to her mom’s.

Roy was eating the eggs she had made when Pam asked him if he would place the order while she’ll be at her Mom’s and the store is on the other side of the town. He said he has planned a lazy weekend for himself and is not looking into doing anything. She reminded him that she has a lot to do and this is not going to take too long off his precious weekend hours. She was not ready for an argument today, especially when she is looking forward to having a relaxed weekend at her childhood home, but she is not going to let Roy get away with dodging another wedding errand.

“Could you at least have a look at what I have picked before I leave and then do it at some point today”

“Pammy I told you I am okay about anything you got there, doesn’t matter really. It’s just a day thing” he waved off. 

“Doesn’t matter, it’s for our wedding, I would say it matters” she was riling up.

Him sensing what’s going to happen, “Okay where is it, let me have a look”

She softened instantly and asked him to have a look at the page on the table while she was getting her overnight bag from the bedroom. 

 “This is pretty good. “

Pam smiled hearing “Thank you. Did you guess why I picked this one. It’s about us”

“Umm..yeah sure.. We could have one and maybe now your mom would have a pair for her table too. Her food lately has been pretty bland”

Pam ,puzzled by his remark, asked what he was talking about bringing the bag with her and getting the keys for the truck. When she saw him waving the page with the doves waving at her, from his position on the couch. 

When she walked to him, she noticed he had completely ignored the open magazine with a big circle and the notepad with the Candles description and must have picked up the page from the floor. Perhaps it was closer than the table. 

“Roy, It’s not what I picked. Have a look at the magazine, could you?” and took the page with doves, away from him.

He squinted down at the magazine , “The candles. Right. Sure that should be it”

“Really? And why is that “

“Well, candles mean sexy times and babe that’s the message we are sending out. Good one Pam”

“The shot glasses would have worked too, you know. Booze and booty, the wedding night tales”

She was too blank to say anything. While Roy was grinning at her, she felt too tired to react and massaged her forehead. Maybe he is still hungover from last night. 

‘Okay Roy, please take care of this today and tell them we would like it ready by Tuesday. Don’t tell them the wedding is on Saturday, we want them beforehand so I could hand wrap them myself.’

“Yeah sure. Aren’t you leaving now”.

She knew he was getting impatient. Roy hated being told what to do, especially step by step instructions but she wanted to make sure she tells him all of it. She has also written everything down on the paper too but in Roy’s case, the more reminders the better.

She waived him Bye from the door, still hurt from thoughtless remarks about the little presents and meaning they represented. Sometimes she doesn’t get him.

 He had no idea what she picked and why. It’s like she is marrying herself. Because he clearly doesn’t seem to be much into it. The same Roy who was so attentive when they first moved in together, offered to drive her around anywhere she wanted to,  bringing her those wings and burgers every other day because “greasy food” was what turned her on that time. She laughed at how crazy she was back then, she had switched to  healthier options years ago but Roy still preferred his zingers . She doesn’t remember the last time Roy took her anywhere she wanted to and just to the office. They didn’t go on dates anymore because “Pammy, we live together, what do we need these dates for” and would invite Kenny on everything. Even on the weekends they go to the lake. 

She heard her phone ringing and patted her jacket to find the device. She parked the car on the side and took out phone, and the magazine paper she tore off last night came along with it. It was her sister, asking Pam how long it is going for her to get there ? Pam told her it would be another 20, and she got late because she had to ask Roy to get things going for the favors order. Penny said she can’t wait to see their choice, how they serve as a little memento of one’s bond and Pam nodded along saying what makes them special is what it represents to the people involved and how it brings back the memory of their happy times, staring at the two doves. 

Helene was talking over the phone animatedly, sharing her happiness for being the “Mother of the bride’ and how long she has been waiting for this special day”.

Pam was feeling breathless.. Her heartbeats paced and she could only describe her situation as suffocating. Looking around, she was far from an enclosed place. She was sitting at her parents house in the wide living room with open windows and a breeze was coming through. Her sister Penny was trying on her bridesmaid dress and just looking radiant. But Pam felt the darkness engulfing her with each word - June 10th, wedding, Roy, 10 years of being together, now FOREVER. She felt the cold sweat in her fingers touching her forehead and rushed out in the backyard.

Her mom followed her shortly after, worried about her daughter’s sudden exit. ‘Pam sweetheart, are you okay?”

‘Mom I can’t. I can’t do this”, Pam whispered. She looked down at the small piece of asphalt where their Barbe-que rested and she thought - “what is with you, asphalt and I can’ts”

“Oh sweetheart, I know this may look like just over the top and extra work. But we are almost there. You know what, if you just say yes to Penny’s look, I’ll take care of the rest of the bridesmaids.”

“No mom, it’s just not this, it’s everything. I am just not feeling great about all of this”, tears were dripping from her face. Pam had no idea when she started crying. 

Looking at her face Helen assured her ‘Oh Pam, love, I think I know what it is. You are experiencing cold feet like almost every bride on the planet before her wedding. You know it’s perfectly natural.” She moved to comfort her daughter in a hug before Pam moved a step back.

“I don’t know mom. It is not feeling…..right” and Pam’s voice broke at the last word. She was getting desperate and almost inching to make a run, to get away.

“You know, I think I can understand. It feels like it is just too much” and for the first time Pam felt that her mom was getting her. She really needed someone, anyone to just hear her out once. She has been having a hard time to compose her thoughts into words lately and hearing her mom articulate them for her was feeling like a respite she was looking for. 

“It is overwhelming to realize that everything will be different. I felt the same way when I was at where you are. But you know it’s going to be good and a great start for something more. You are going to be with Roy for the rest of your life.”

“You did..?” Pam whispered ,finally getting a hold of herself. 

“Absolutely, sweetheart. But then your father and I married and here we are with two beautiful daughters together. These feelings pass, but what remains is the promise of being together. You both have committed to each other, and not all moments will feel like there is love but your family is with you to get you through those moments”.

She opened her mouth to argue the point that lately she doesn’t feel the love but this promise (or is it this obligation) to be together, but instead softened at her mom’s teary eyes. She nodded in defeat and hugged her mom.

Thinking back to her mom’s words, she thought hard when she felt loved, when she was Roy. When he just heard her out to what she has to say, or prodded her how she has been feelings after a hard day at word. Or just spent time with her, which is not when they were eating or in bed. And he seems completely okay because she herself isn’t doing that for him. She never pictured that her life would be like that. Together for love but no love to feel within.  She was lying down in bed with Penny who asked her what she was thinking when she just started  “ I love Roy but somehow it doesn’t feel right to say I feel that love myself. I mean, am I really in-love with him?? He doesn’t seem to care what I like or want and lately I don’t get him.” 

“Pam, what are you talking about? What do you mean you don’t get him? You both have been together since high school and now you will be married like a Fairy Tale. You go to same office place, he fixes your car, you two watch sports together and he takes you to weekend getaways at the lake. And now your dream wedding. Who else do you love if not Roy” Penny asked, half laughing and confused.

She repeated words in her head - Fixes her car because he doesn’t like her driving his truck, going to lake with Kenny in tow and this dream wedding which was supposed to happen years ago but he bought the jet ski with that money and now this wedding she is planning pretty much alone. And love. She doesn't know if she could herself truly she is in love with Roy. - but she held her tongue. 

The thought drove her mind back to Jim. The one person to whom she could air these things too, who would just listen and wouldn’t tell her what to feel or what to do. Who would encourage him and tell her to do what her heart feels is right .  “You got this Beesly” he would have said. If only she could call him. He hates her for breaking his heart and she can’t just reach out to her best friend for sharing her thoughts and feelings.

 “Yeah….. I guess” Pam conceded to let Penny know she was done talking and went to a fitful sleep.

Sunday passed in getting the dress fitted, when her mom substituted as a seamstress and did the last minute fixing. Pam looked at herself in the mirror, in the dress she picked up a few months ago but has been picturing herself in for years now. It was perfect, just like she imagined and yet she was not able to bring herself to smile from within, while her mom and sister gushed about how perfect she looked.

She couldn’t hold it anymore and her nausea took over when she puked in the bathroom sink. Her mother and sister followed shortly, one holding her hair while the other one curtaining the dress with a towel to prevent any splashes. 

Pam was cleaning up when her mom asked “Pammy, sweety, is there something you want to tell us”

Yeah mum I tried yesterday and nobody listened. Instead she responded in “No mum, what do you mean?”

“Am I going to be a grandma soon honey. Because if I am, I can’t be happier and you don’t have to keep this a secret from me love, I am a modern mom”

“OMG Pam, is that why you both decided to marry now”

“Mom please. I am not pregnant. In fact the idea is outright terrifying. It takes so much planning and I have no idea how to be around children. And Roy, well he hardly has time to take care of me when I am sick, how will he ever have time for taking care of a child with me between his work and boys nights.I don’t think I could have a child for at least few more years, until I know what I am doing”she said half laughing, half relieved.

“And No Penny. I have been engaged for 3 years, I think it’s about time I get married. It doesn’t have to be a shot-gun wedding where Roy runs out of options to stall it anymore.”

“Well, you should have tried getting pregnant if you wanted it to happen earlier than now” Penny said cheekily.

‘Okay weirdo, I need some air. I am going for a walk. And mom, don't worry I am fine. I think it’s just wedding jitters. I think I’ll eat a light lunch and will be okay.” Pam headed out, for a quiet stroll outside.

She went through the little exchange she had with her mom earlier. Thinking how absurd it is to be pregnant and being a mom right now. The only time she was around kids for extended time was ‘bring your kid’s to the office” day. She tried everything that day, from jellybeans to more candies but no kid wanted anything to do with her. Except Merdeith’s kid who liked the paper shredding with her.

She chuckled to herself. It was an interesting day.That boy was really something , but with how Meredith is, what else did she expect. Jim was pretty smooth with Toby’s daughter though. He connected with her so effortlessly. He did tell her a couple of weeks later how he babysat Sasha a few times too for Toby. Jim was a natural. She is sure he would be a great dad. And the mom would be so lucky to have him as her children’s father. He would be involved, supportive and just incredible. She knows she wouldn’t freak out if she would get pregnant with Jim by her side.

The thought made her halt right there. She was alarmed with even thinking of the idea of having Jim’s kids. She shook her head as if physically trying to throw the ‘wild thought” out. 

“This Jim thing is getting too much. I am marrying Roy in a week. Jim is gone. I was never with Jim. Him and I are not together. There will be no kids with Jim but with Roy” she repeated it to herself like a mantra.

Except each time she would say it, she felt a little distressed at the idea. She didn’t want to figure out why and made her way back home.

**********************************************************************************************************

They were down at the dinner table, when Helene told Pam that Roy’s mom called her to discuss wedding preparations. Roy’s family were not able to do much in the wedding, as they were supporting Roy’s sister, Rochelle.

Rochelle has been trying to conceive for a few years now and has spent loads of money on fertility treatments. She remembers her reaching out to Pam and Roy, for some extra cash, during one of the procedures. Pam felt a bit selfish for not agreeing right away, as she had saved a deposit for the wedding before Roy told both of them that he had spent the money on new jet skis. He apologized and offered his sister to use the jet skis to “feel better” anytime she wants. While Pam felt her heart breaking at Rochelle’s plight and her fiance’s indifference.

Roy’s family then consoled his sister and they started considering adoption. It was a difficult time for her and her husband, both were beside themselves after losing all that time and assets and not being able to become parents yet. She would need money and more to qualify and his family solely wanted to make it work for her. They apologized to Pam for not spending much in the wedding but were grateful for her being so understanding. They were the ones who would be helping Pam to gift wrap party favors. 

“So Irene asked if I need any help with anything but I told her that she doesn’t have to worry and just be Rochelle. She did say how Rochelle is looking forward to your wedding and feels this could be a great distraction from everything she is going through with her lately. And I can’t tell you how happy your dad is that you are finally getting married. Your wedding is going to be so great sweetheart, and it’s going to bring happiness to all of us.”

Pam smiled at her, wishing she didn’t have to try so hard to push her lips together. She pushed her own despair down. The feeling which has been a constant after effect, whenever her upcoming wedding is mentioned.  

Pam bid her mom and sister goodbyes and got on the road, to return home. Home, she thought, is what she shares with Roy. They have been living together for 10 years now and so much has changed while many things are still the same. He doesn’t surprise her with any special gestures anymore, there are no date nights, he has no time to talk to her which is not about him and they don’t talk about their future. But she didn’t think too much of not being able to have real conversations with Roy, because she had… she had Jim to share her ‘thoughts and feelings’. Does that even make sense? 

But he has been there throughout her life in the past decade, through her grandfather’s death, her mom’s breast Cancer scare, her sister’s rebellious phase and getting this receptionist job and everyday of Michael’s antics and life since then has been pretty much the same for her. If she is really honest, the past 4 years feels like nothing has changed really except now she is actually getting married rather than a “potential” to be married. Her dad has been particularly upset with her during the initial years when she didn’t pursue further education - though she promised she would after moving in with Roy. The wedding kept pushing and her father kept getting anxious how Pam and Roy were not able to hold even enough money to have a wedding, how are they ever going to have a future like this.

She was comforted with the idea that this wedding will be a reason for her and Roy’s family contentment. Even if she feels far from it herself. 

Next morning at work felt almost the same. Michael was the same old Monday Michael, Dwight was just being his unbearable self, Kelly was chatty like usual except today she doesn’t have those green pair of eyes who could twinkle when she’ll look up and those lopsided smiles when she would share their unspoken jokes.

She delivered the messages to the sales team by hand, to have something to do to calm her unrested mind. She passed Jim’s desk and placed Ryan’s messages there and her fingers tingled. It felt like remnants of that night still lingers there even if the people involved have long gone. Ryan uttered thank you without even looking up and she shuffled back to her seat. She realized that she never made a stop at this desk without hanging out with the former desk owner for a bit. How they’ll sweep the bullpen through their eyes, silently plotting their next prank before she’ll return to answering telephones and avoid thinking about her boring life.

She would often doodle to remind herself that she is more than a secretary. That she is capable of more. Well mostly it would be Jim who would admire those doodles like it is some work of Picasso and she’ll feel that a color has been added to her black and white palette. Was he really this big part of her day at work that just a week in and she misses him like crazy and her heart feels heavy with his loss.

The wedding is in a week and there is so much work to be done and she would have chosen to stay home and finish it instead of being here where there isn’t much to do. She stopped planning her wedding at work after Jim’s complaint. Well he took it back but it felt wrong to do it after that and she kept it as after work errands. It only piled up daily chores since Roy was no help. She would often feel she is the only one in this relationship who is working, getting things done and building the relationship. She would often question rhetorically if that’s  how relationships are supposed to be like. Jim would have said “Only the best kinds, Beesly”. 

 She smiled to herself, thinking of her friend who would always know how to cheer her up in the hardest moments. Now she feels like she is falling in this dark place and he is nowhere near. The impending wedding is looming over her head and though her mother’s words were comforting for the weekend, the effect has definitely faded and she is terrified of what this weekend will bring.

This lunch hour she was really looking forward to having some peace to herself and decided to take her lunch bag and eat in her car instead of everyone around when she overheard Phyllis “Bob Vance proposed and I said yes”. 

This was followed by cheers from Kevin and Stanley while Kelly freaked out and called out Ryan, murmuring something about - her being the only hot girl in the office who hasn’t been proposed to yet !

As much as Pam wanted to leave the chaos behind, she didn’t want to go before congratulating Phyllis. She put her lunch down on one of the tables and moved to hug Phyllis. Phyllis was just glowing or was it the big diamond on her finger. She flaunted it to the ladies of the office and Meredith cussed to appreciate how enormous it was. It indeed was beautiful and one can see behind the bling of it is the love and thoughtfulness of Bob to buy Phyllis exactly what she would have liked. 

Pam stole a quick glance at hers and remembered how Roy picked up one from Walmart, a day before signing the lease to move in together. He said he can’t wait to move in with her and since she wanted it to move in only after getting engaged so here they are. The ring was plain but he said this is what he was able to save after paying the first and last rent and she felt he was the most romantic guy around. He promised to buy her a proper ring once they settle in. That day though never came. He said they could buy another ring or save for the wedding and she chose the latter. She dropped out of college to work as a receptionist hoping to contribute as much as she could for the wedding. While the money would be spent on jet skis, truck repairs, helping Kenny with waverunners. She forgot about upgrading the ring completely and focussed on the wedding. Wedding which she was working for , practically yearning for the past 3 years is happening now and now …..she is unsure. Talk about Irony.

Pam sat with the rest of the gang to talk about Phyllis’ plans because for once she was not excited to work on hers. She regretted her decision the moment later when she heard that Bob is ready for a winter wedding and they have already decided the dates - sometime in January next year. “That’s really quick” she uttered without realizing that everyone heard it. Phyllis looked at her with the same patronizing look she has been giving her since past week “Well sweety, when you know, you know. Why wait forever to end up with someone you want all along. Bob is an amazing guy and could do anything for me. We are in love and he is it for me ”. 

Pam felt uncomfortable under her gaze. It almost felt like Phyllis knew something about Pam which even Pam didn’t. 

“Careful Phyllis. I married really early. Though we were blindly in love. Turns out I was the only one who was blind because I missed seeing how he had zero responsibilities towards the house, or kids or us but rather spent all his time on the couch, watching the idiot box , calling me for another beer. The Divorce took 1 affair,  2 kids and 100 arguments to get final.”

The energy in the room changed with Meredith’s words. This was the first time she spoke about what happened in her marriage and what she endured. Everybody was quiet to figure out a way to comfort her when she added - “Kids definitely made it worse. They are so much work and with his ability to focus on anything but us, it was a nightmare to live. Though he lucked out with Wendy, I still get to dump Jake on him every other weekend. Joke's on him though. He missed out best years of sex with me. Trust me, it only starts after 35. And why stick to one when you could have a bunch”.

Those words were enough for everyone to get past the sympathies for Meredith and focus back on Phyllis who proudly shared how Bob wouldn’t even look at anything else if she is around. It’s like he has eyes only for her and she is sure nothing can change that. Besides there is no plan to have kids but definitely plans for lot of sex so that would work. 

Pam thinks that was enough of the bedroom talk her co-workers could take from the two brazen women and went back to their lunch. All that remained was talks about Phyllis' wedding and honeymoon.  Angela was particularly horrified and passed in jiffy whispering something about - not proper for a lady and how they’ll go to hell for talking about intercourse at lunch. Pam wondered if Dwight prefers the intercourse after meal times.

Pam finished her food and made her way back to the front. The chatters were now in the background and she was happy with the little distraction she got. She thought of Phyllis and felt genuinely happy for her. They were together for sometime and Bob seems like a really nice guy. She thought of Meredith’s words and she has to agree that Bob didn’t sound anything like Meredith’s ex but she could’nt shake off the niggling who he actually sounded like. 

Her afternoon was spent in routine calls before she heard her cellphone ringing in the familiar “sing” ringtone. She knew who it was, and though she wasn’t expecting it, she was pleased to see the name flashing on her screen before picking the phone to her ears.

“Hello traitor” she smirked at the caller, with her eyebrows raised and the mischievous smile she donned.

She nodded to the caller’s response before quipping “Well friends support each other and talk to each other and not go M.I.A for a week without a word.”

“Careful there, for a moment I thought my best friend is avoiding me”

“So are we meeting this evening after work or not”.

“Awesome !!. I’ll meet you at your new place after work’

“Hey……..it’s…it’s really good to have you back. It has been lonely without you”.

Pam was in a much better mood in her last hour at the office and quickly sent a message to Roy that she’ll be taking a cab since she has something to pick up before heading home. As expected Roy didn’t offer to drive her, she was rather relieved that he didn’t ask what she is upto since she had no plans to tell him about her little meeting.

She rang the bell, humming the tune of “sing” which has been stuck in her head since earlier, when the door opened with the brunette waving excitedly at her.

Pam hugged her friend before hitting her lightly on the shoulder “And this is for keeping me hanging”.

“Yeah , yeah I am sorry. You know this dental conference was so last minute. My professor was supposed to take another student but then they fell sick and I had to go with this girl from my class and she is this over prepared one”

“She didn’t let me breathe even for a moment and kept asking if we are on schedule, if that is done or if this is okay. I  am telling you, she’ll be a freak dentist in future where she’ll extract the whole denture - “to make sure everything is covered” Isabelle ranted.

Pam laughed at her friend’s joke before giving her the box of chocolates ” Here you go”.

 Izzy huffed at her before taking it. This has been a prank gift from Pam since Isabelle got into Dental School. These chocolates are usually high in sugar and sticky and Pam knows Isabelle loves them secretly.

Pam looked around when Isabelle went to get them a glass of Sangria, something they both enjoy on Mondays which they’d call ‘Monday misery loves Sangrias’.

“This is a really nice place you’ve got Izz. Your last was good too though though”

“It was but it never felt like mine. Mediating between those two roomies of mine, I never got around decorating the place like I wanted. Now that I am in my last year of school, it feels like I can finally afford a place to myself so here we go.”

Oh and Penny told me her dress fits okay and just so you know I have picked mine and it’s going to be delivered tomorrow..so even  if I missed the dress fittings this weekend, I did manage to get this part done.

Thanks for doing this girl.I really appreciate you two working it out yourself. It has been so exhausting with these arrangements, I can’t wait to get over it now.

You mean, someone is excited to be married and having a hard time waiting for 1 more week, Isabella teased. 

“I wish it was that”sinking deeper into the couch, feeling the weight of errands she still has to finish and the sense of dread she has been working constantly to overcome. She shared with Isabelle she has to meet the florist one last time to ensure he is ready with the right colors; the caterers if they are good with the menu which is a mix of chicken & fish and Kevin if his band is ready  (her mom insisted that last minute checking in with every vendor is key to run the ceremony smoothly). Her family and friends have been really helpful but she can’t ask them to do more in the middle of work week so here she is with piles of work that need to be done on her part in the week to have the weekend wedding. And well Roy is…Roy”

“So you are saying Roy is not your dream man anymore” scoffed Isabelle.

Roy and Isabella never really liked each other. Her friend would often say that she likes a little bit of possessiveness in guys but Roy acts as a caveman at times. It's like he never let's Pam fun but Pam would often justify his actions coming from love and care. Roy too was not far behind in disliking Isabelle after she rejected Lenny. He felt she was a stuck up and Pam shouldn't hang out with her much.

For the first time, instead of defending Roy like she would do instinctively, her frustration started surfacing again thinking how this shouldn’t be this hard. All of this build up to get what she has envisioned for 8 years - being with Roy for  forever has started to feel like a nightmare more than a dream. It’s like she got all these hard parts of this relationship while he gets to get all the good parts.

Isabelle was mixing some concoction which Pam was pretty sure was a heavy cocktail when she heard “Ahh, I wish Jim was here”. Pam did a double take, confused at how her thoughts found a way through Isabella’s voice and blabbered “What…what are you talking about?”

Unaware of the storms of Pam’s mind and heart, her friend responded “You know Jim, the guy I have been seeing on weekends. He makes these awesome margaritas. For some reason I can’t get the portions right’.

“Hmmmm…”

“He is pretty awesome. He's a bit hot-n-cold but you know me, I like the chase”

“Looks like it’s getting serious. So tell me about this ……guy”

“Jim” takes a big gulp of the drink before passing the pitcher to Pam to indulge.

“Yeah…Jim” suppressing the nausea that took over , she took a sip and  finally said the word she has banished for over a week now.

“Well he is not bad. He is a teacher in a high school. Pretty old school really but sometimes he does these really sweet things like the other day we were going to a place for the weekend and half way through I realized I forgot my purse at home. Reservations were under my name so I needed the ID and he drove us back and I realized my ID was there in the bag I had. He wasn’t thrilled but still laughed it off”

“Roy used to be like that too, you know. Easy going and romantic . But now, he would lose it if I make a slip like that”

“Yeah, well in that case, I should be careful if that’s where it ends right. Don’t want to end up being with someone like him for life.”

“Oops sorry Pam. This drink is definitely wrong”

Isabella returned to the kitchen to get them snacks and evening moved towards safer topics like what she would wear on her honeymoon and if there’ll be cute guys from Roy’s side, which Izzy hasn’t met or rejected already.

Pam left her bestie’s place feeling light from the drink and heavy from the feelings with the words never leaving her head - end up with someone like Roy for life…….