Anon Pls by MrsKHalpert, Robert Dunder
Summary:

The List made me do it. 

A reimagining of the episode "Gossip" and all those sweet, sweet rumors.


Categories: Jim and Pam, Episode Related Characters: Andy, Angela, Creed, Dwight, Ensemble, Erin, Jim, Kelly, Kevin, Meredith, Michael, Oscar, Pam, Phyllis, Ryan, Stanley, Toby
Genres: Fluff, Humor
Warnings: None
Challenges: None
Series: None
Chapters: 16 Completed: Yes Word count: 2992 Read: 6374 Published: November 21, 2022 Updated: December 06, 2022
Story Notes:

Everyone's favorite gossip page Deuxmoi comes to Scranton.

No copyright infringement intended here for The Office or Deuxmoi. We're just huge fans of both. Any gossip submitted has not been independently verified.

1. What is The List? by MrsKHalpert

2. He's Gay... Ever Heard of It? by MrsKHalpert

3. Low Quabity Lungs by MrsKHalpert

4. Big Tuna's Little Swimmers Won First Place by MrsKHalpert

5. Scranton Spotted by Robert Dunder

6. Real manure? False by MrsKHalpert

7. Eating Disorder by Robert Dunder

8. I ain't sayin' she a gold digger by MrsKHalpert

9. Yo Quiero Taco Bell by Robert Dunder

10. Nepo baby by MrsKHalpert

11. Scranton Spotted by MrsKHalpert

12. He Loves Cheating More than He Loves Pretzels by Robert Dunder

13. J. Crew Model??? by MrsKHalpert

14. Human Relations? I don't think so by MrsKHalpert

15. Tiny Human in His Brain by MrsKHalpert

16. Epilogue by Robert Dunder

What is The List? by MrsKHalpert

Scranton Times-Tribune

Lighter Side of Life: The List Is Scranton's Newest Gossip Site But...Whose List Is It?

By Chad Lite

September 17th, 2009

 

You can't have missed it. Whether you like gossip or not, The List is the phrase on everyone's lips. And we can't get enough of it.

From revealing the secret ingredient in Alfredo's pizza sauce and now knowing just why their pizza tastes so bad, to what Bob Vance and Jessica were trying to keep a secret, there's nothing that escapes The List.

The site gets literally hundreds of hits a day, and their Twitter followers have now tipped over one thousand. It's safe to say, The List is making waves in Scranton.

But the biggest question everyone wants to know is who is the person behind The List?

Here's everything we know, so that you'll be in the know too.

What is The List?

At the very heart of The List is its website. Anyone can anonymously submit gossip, sightings around Scranton and juicy tidbits, and then The List will share this on their Twitter page. 

The one thing the site refuses to do, is name names. That's it's number one rule. Along with users submitting anonymously, names cannot be used. Instead, those submitting will provide hints as to who they are describing. 

The List also clearly states that anything it publishes, it cannot verify. As it completely runs on anonymous personal submissions, there is no way to fact check these. So take anything you read with a pinch of salt. But it all adds to the frenzy of the gossip and trying to figure out who is who. And checking out the guesses in the Twitter comments is half the fun.

Who runs The List?

It's the question that everyone wants the answer to. Literally no one knows.

There's been several guesses at who could be running it. A busy body church goer who isn't as holy as they say they are. A hot shot from New York. Someone that frequents every bar in Scranton. An attention seeking nobody. 

It's a mystery that may never be solved. 

He's Gay... Ever Heard of It? by MrsKHalpert

Sent via form submission from The List.

Pseudonyms, Please: Boner Champ

Email: broccoli@treble.com

Subject: He's Gay... Ever Heard of It?

Message: A self-proclaimed ladies man from a prestigious Ivy League school, who was previously engaged to a tight-ass accountant, is apparently attracted to other men. He has told his buddies about his fantasies of Brad Pitt coming onto him and how he would probably be resistant at first but would end up liking it. 

One of his friends tried to set him up with his wife's friends but he kept asking about his guy friends. That friend tried to be helpful when he confessed about his dilemma, telling him to try experimenting with guys to see if he liked it. But Mr. Cornell here decided to shoot his shot and asked his good-looking friend if he was available. His fiancee should consider herself lucky that marriage didn't push through. Or maybe she turned him gay... that's also a possibility.

End Notes:
Best guesses please...
Low Quabity Lungs by MrsKHalpert

Sent via form submission from The List

Pseudonyms, Please: William C. Schneider

Email: rubbertree@bubblesqueak.com

Subject: Low Quabity Lungs

Message: A supposed former Grass Roots member turned quabity assuance (sp?) manager is on a rampage because someone spilled the beans about him having asthma. He was heard on the phone trying to clear things out with his scuba diving instructor but it didn't seem to work as he was then seen throwing a chair in a fit of anger. It's pretty scary to think that an 85 year old can do that. 

People should do their best to avoid him while he calms himself down. I heard he's killed people before. Rumor has it that someone tried stealing from him and his decapitated body was later found in the woods just outside of Scranton.

Big Tuna's Little Swimmers Won First Place by MrsKHalpert

Sent via form submission from The List.

Pseudonyms, Please: Office Mattress

Email: exreceptionist@pratt.com

Subject: Big Tuna's Little Swimmers Won First Place

Message: Miss ‘Doesn't Want to Live With Her Boyfriend Before She Gets Engaged' apparently got knocked up before she got married. Some people might call that baby a bastard. I mean, I wouldn't, but some people might.

I was at this little hospital a few weeks back getting a check up for                         (please blank out) and I saw Little Miss Thing and her hot fiancé there. The doctor called him in and they got some news that made them a little more emotional than a broken bone would make you. Unless it's that bone that gets broken. I guess that's why they moved up the wedding. More of a shotgun wedding now. Let's just hope the baby doesn't get his nose.

Scranton Spotted by Robert Dunder

YOU'VE GOT F***ING MAIL.

Here's what our famous Scrantonites have been up to.

Disclaimer: All submissions are not verified. Please take what you see with a grain of salt. 

Spotted: busty blonde coming out of the sperm bank near the IHOP

Spotted: a certain beet farmer purchasing bags of manure

Spotted: a small blonde woman taking the slow train to Philly....for a convention

Spotted: Ashton Kutcher complaining about his parking space to the building owner

Spotted: paper salesman and his girlfriend's ex-fiancé at Poor Richards - paper salesman seemed to have left in a hurry

Real manure? False by MrsKHalpert

Sent via form submission from The List.

Pseudonyms, Please: Mr Poop 

Email: monkeytrainer@recyclops.com 

Subject: Real manure? False

Message: I saw your Scranton Spotted post the other week and I can totally confirm it. I was on my way to Lake Wallenpaupack and saw this guy lugging big bags of manure from a store. He was definitely trying to stay undercover, but he was wearing a bright green bandana and had on these big sunglasses that looked like they had an extra eye in the middle of them. You could easily tell who it was though, definitely wasn't as incognito as he thought he was.

From what I've heard, he goes around telling everyone that it's his own manure, but I know for a fact that he makes hamburgers by taking meat out of his horses while they're still alive. Totally inhumane and who the hell wants to eat a horse burger?? Anyway, the horses aren't even strong enough to produce the amount of manure you'd need for a 60-acre farm.

Eating Disorder by Robert Dunder

Sent via form submission from The List


Pseudonyms, Please: Really Good in White


Email: thisdayis@bananas.com


Subject: Eating Disorder


Message: The hottest and the most popular girl in the office has developed an eating disorder due to the stress that she felt at work. She tries her best to be the glue that holds everyone together but people just don’t seem to appreciate her effort.


It all started when she swallowed that tape worm for the weight loss contest. She fainted after two weeks of drinking nothing but maple syrup, lemon juice, cayenne pepper and water and got hospitalized. She would have overcome it because she’s a strong and independent woman but her coworkers just kept bringing her down.


She hosted an America’s Got Talent party and two of them didn’t attend after she gave them personalized invites. To make things worse, they were in charge of planning her birthday party AND FORGOT ALL ABOUT IT. The audacity of those two.


I heard her eating disorder is getting worse because of all this but I’m sure she’ll get through this. She’s an inspiration to so many people and the Kardashians would be lucky to breathe the same air as she does. Plus, she looks hot in a pink bikini that she just bought. 


I ain't sayin' she a gold digger by MrsKHalpert

Sent via form submission from The List 

Pseudonyms, Please: No

Email: isaid@no.com 

Subject: I ain't sayin' she a gold digger 

Message: After not one, but two failed office romances, I heard that a certain accountant is now open to dating people outside of the office. And from the looks of things, she liked the wealthy lifestyle of her last fiancé so much so, that she's now exclusively only dating billionaires. And her latest fling is none other than the owner of the Quizno's on Mulberry Street. Yup, that's right. The 81 year old owner of Scranton's Quizno's. I heard they met when she went to pick up a party platter of subs for some office party that she was throwing.

It shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that she tried to keep it a secret. Apparently she had a hush hush relationship with her family pastor. Then, she dated her first office romance for years in secret. And THEN had a secret (well, only from her fiancé) affair. But the thing she's really trying to keep a secret? The fact that this self proclaimed vegetarian's favorite sub is the French Dip. I guess she likes juicy meat after all.

Yo Quiero Taco Bell by Robert Dunder
Author's Notes:


Sent via form submission from The List


Pseudonyms, Please: Explains Things Like You’re Five


Email: actually@gay.com


Subject: Yo Quiero Taco Bell


Message: Ever watched that Taco Bell commercial back in 1997? Word on the street is that the chihuahua was voiced by one of the accountants in the most controversial branch. It’s a shame his career didn’t take off after this and he ended up working for a failing mid-size paper company.


Let’s hope his boss doesn’t catch wind of this. I heard he accidentally outed him in front of the entire office and then tried to kiss him (I think the boss is gay too?) Things got so bad that the company gave him a three month vacation and a company car so he wouldn’t press charges.


Maybe he should try going back into voice acting again. I saw an ad for a fast food commercial and they’re looking for someone who can do a Savannah accent. That shouldn’t be hard for someone with his expertise… right? 


Nepo baby by MrsKHalpert

Sent via form submission from The List 

Pseudonyms, Please: Kelly

Email: receptionist@ploplover.com 

Subject: Nepo baby

Message: It's no surprise that the only reason this receptionist is keeping her job is because of the guys she dates. First it was a salesman-turned-regional manager, then the corporate liaison, before going back to the regional manager. 

From what I heard from the old receptionist who used to do her job, she said she'd only rate her a two out of three, but that might be because she tried to trash a painting that the old receptionist did. But let's face it, she doesn't even know what to do when a shipment of pens arrives, let alone what to do with gummy bears vs. worms. She's a terrible worker. Now that she's dating a nobody in Customer Services it's no wonder that she's probably going to get fired.

Scranton Spotted by MrsKHalpert

YOU'VE GOT F***ING MAIL.

Here's what our famous Scrantonites have been up to.

Disclaimer: All submissions are not verified. Please take what you see with a grain of salt. 

Spotted: manager spotted at magic camp on a work day

Spotted: tall guy going for a sneaky interview in New York. interview didn't seem to go well. tall guy's girlfriend seen crying on a bench outside the building 

Spotted: manager and busty receptionist loading crates of paper in a busted up van 

Spotted: police seen surrounding a certain ex-vp's boyfriend's condo. apparently there was a noise complaint due to stuff being thrown inside the house during a dinner party 

Spotted: preppy (and by preppy i mean annoying) salesman taken to the hospital after a parkour related accident

He Loves Cheating More than He Loves Pretzels by Robert Dunder

Pseudonyms, Please: Crosswords


Email: donotccme@emails.com


Subject: He Loves Cheating More than He Loves Pretzels


Message: I’m an intern in one of the most profitable branches of the company. I was out in a trendy nightclub with some friends when I saw the resident grump in the office with a woman. I don’t really know much about him other than he hates everyone and everything, so I didn’t really know if he had a wife or a sister. Then he started doing things that a man wouldn’t do to his sister so that pretty much canceled the theory.


Found out the next day that he’s married with a kid and that his wife was out of town. The woman he was with was his nurse and I honestly think she’s waiting for divorce papers so they can get married. That man is honestly one pretzel away from giving his entire fortune to her. It seemed to be working out according to plan but then our boss actually called the man’s wife and accidentally blabbed everything to her. I then heard someone’s car getting destroyed. I’m too scared to check outside.


J. Crew Model??? by MrsKHalpert

Sent via form submission from The List

Pseudonyms, Please: High-Grade Sashimi 

Email: daddy@dilfwrld.com

Subject: J. Crew Model???

Message: A recently engaged hottie who gave up a VP position in the company to be with his soon-to-be wife is rumored to be a part-time model for J.Crew. I remember seeing him when he visited our branch disguised as a warehouse worker. He looked hot even with that fake mustache so I'm not shocked to find out he's done billboard ads for such a big clothing brand. 

Speaking of that visit, our boss (whom he used to date) told us that he came all the way to Utica to try and win her back but she was having none of it. Seems weird that she wouldn't take someone that gorgeous back (and I heard she cried over him for weeks when he dumped her), but who am I to question her sanity?  

There were rumors circulating that it was actually his boss who's the model but I find that very hard to believe. The man drinks his scotch with a spoonful of splenda. And he called me "sugarboobs" when he visited our branch for a second time. If that doesn't kill your lady boner, I don't know what will. 

P.S. I also heard his fiancée's pregnant. No wonder they're getting married! He's definitely gonna be a big DILF when that baby is born.

Human Relations? I don't think so by MrsKHalpert

Sent via form submission from The List

Pseudonyms, Please: Scranton Strangler

Email: costa@rica.com 

Subject: Human Relations? I don't think so 

Message: So the word is out, turns out this guy that claims he has a daughter, is a virgin. I mean, it kinda checks out because he lies so much. Like how can this guy who's worked at a certain paper company for YEARS, also have been a monk, and worked in advertising AND he's been to college to get a degree in social work? Yeah, I don't think so. 

Plus, he's got it SO bad for a certain reception that I can't imagine he'd have even done it with anyone else while he was jonesing for her. Oh, which totally reminds me, I heard from someone he totally touched her knee and was so embarrassed about it that he moved to another country. My man, if you can't even touch a girl's knee, how the hell you banging her??

This guy SAYS he meets girls at the gym, but have you seen how skinny he's got recently? Yeah there's no way he's doing any workouts of any kind, if you catch my drift. I guess the rumors are true that the only way that he can get a girl is if he pays her to go out with him. But I heard he's a little too into his choking fetish, and THAT'S the real reason he's still got his V plates. 

Tiny Human in His Brain by MrsKHalpert

Sent via form submission from The List

Pseudonyms, Please: Poker Fraud

Email: famouschili@scrantonicity.com

Subject: Tiny Human in His Brain

Message: An employee from one of the company's messiest (and somehow still profitable) branches has a chip implanted inside his brain. I heard this guy has a lot of debt from playing poker so he got paid a huge amount of money to do it.

No one has a clue what the chip does. I heard it controls his actions like a tiny human telling him what to do. But that must have been one faulty chip because this guy is one of the dumbest people I have ever met. I ran into the misfortune of having him answer my phone call because the previous receptionist quit. I was put on hold for thirty minutes because he got into a fight with someone over pizza. 

I have no idea how this man is still employed. He is literally dead weight to the company. Well, HR did think that he was mentally challenged so I guess they're trying to not have a lawsuit on their hands. But seriously, if you're working in this branch, DO NOT trust him with your expense reports.

Epilogue by Robert Dunder
Author's Notes:

Thank you for such a fun ride. Hope you all enjoyed our obsession and here's one last little tidbit.

MrsK, you're the best co-author I could ever ask for. *hugs in Krasinski*

 

“Oh my god,” Kelly’s voice trilled around the annex as the door from the kitchen opened and Ryan walked through on his way to the breakroom. “You would not believe what I just heard!” she squealed.


“Oh yeah? What’s that?” Ryan asked as he took out his small black notepad and pen surreptitiously from the pocket of his pants.


“So you know my friend Julie who works over at Carman’s?” Kelly asked, not waiting for Ryan to answer. “She just called me and said that two people totally hooked up in the bathroom at her restaurant. So nasty. Like can you believe that? In a bathroom? Ew. And to make it worse, she said that it was two totally old people too. Like so gross. And then they went back to their table like nothing had happened and just carried on their conversation with the other couple. I really wanna know who it was though. Who do you think it was? Ryan? Are you even listening to me?”


“Oh, um, yeah. Old people banging in the bathroom? Yeah, no idea.”


“What are you writing down in your book?” Kelly asked, her hand on her hip, peering over Ryan on her tiptoes.


“Oh, nothing,” he replied, quickly putting his notepad back into his pocket. “So, who do you think it was?”


This story archived at http://mtt.just-once.net/fanfiction/viewstory.php?sid=6196