"And oh my God, after we go to the holiday market, we can go foraging for Christmas decorations." 

As Pam pushed open the break room door, hoping to enjoy her lunch quietly and more importantly, alone, she walked straight into an apparent double lunch date. Oh no, she sighed to herself, her gaze falling on Jim and Karen sitting opposite Kelly and Ryan. She did her best not to let her face falter, giving the table of four a tight lipped smile as she sat down alone at the table furthest way from them. She opened her Tupperware and began to pick at her salad, half flicking through a magazine she found on the table, half listening to what they were talking about. Ok, mainly listening to what they were talking about. But she was at least trying to hide it.

"And then snuggle up with some hot cocoa and watch a Christmas movie at your place," Kelly continued, one arm and hand snaked around Ryan's, while the other clutched the holiday edition of Pennsylvania Magazine. "You guys have to come with us this weekend," she pleaded to Jim and Karen. "Please, please, please, please. It's going to be so amazing. It's like we'll be in our own Hallmark movie. Oh my god, I hope it's snowing. But like, just snowflakes that land in my hair, not like we need a snow plough or anything. But it would be pretty fun to be snowed in, in like a log cabin with huge windows overlooking the mountains and a 16 foot Christmas tree. Oh my god, Ryan, it's going to be amazing." 

"Mhmm," Ryan murmured, trying to pull his arm out of Kelly's claw-like grip. 

"Shall we meet you guys there?" Kelly asked expectantly. "Or shall we pick you up on the way?"

"Uh," Jim began.

"Um," Karen said at the same time, glancing at Jim.

"I'm not sure," Jim tried again, but Kelly cut him off.

"No, no, no, no, you HAVE to be there. It's going to make all my Christmas wishes come true. Please, please, please?" she begged, her hands together clasped in front of her. 

Jim and Karen looked at each other, both pulling slight grimacing faces. "Sure," Jim finally sighed, "we'll be there."

"Oh my god Jim!" Kelly shrieked, pushing her chair back so that she could run towards Jim. She threw her arms around him from behind and rocked him from side to side. "I'm so excited." She then grabbed Karen's hand and pulled her up out of her seat. "Come on, let's go pick outfits!" she squealed. Karen glared at Jim as she was pulled out of the breakroom, but Jim could only laugh.

"Alright, I'm done," Ryan said simply, looking down at the table, as he stood and crumpled his brown paper bag and the remnants of his lunch into a ball. He walked out of the break room without looking back at Jim or even acknowledging Pam's presence. 

Both Jim and Pam's gazes followed Ryan out, and as soon as the door closed behind him, they awkwardly glanced at each other. "I should probably," Jim said, gesturing to the door with his thumb. 

"Oh yeah, no, totally," Pam rushed out, aware that her cheeks were tingeing pink. She buried her head down in her magazine, turning to the next page as Jim gathered up his lunch and passed by her to get to the trash can. Despite Jim's eventual acceptance of her Christmas gift, and the small interaction they'd had looking for the bus tickets, things were most definitely not ok between the two of them, and she still wasn't quite sure how to speak to him like before. It was as if she expected him to turn her down or disagree with everything she said; coffee, grape soda, pranks.  

"You doing the Christmas bucket list too?" Jim laughed as he caught sight of the page that Pam was looking at in the magazine, recognising that it was the same one that Kelly had been gushing over just minutes before. 

"Huh?" Pam asked, looking up at him. He pointed to the page that Pam was pretending to read. "Oh, yeah," she blushed, staring down at the page. "Maybe. I don't know, we'll see," she tried to laugh.

"Well, I gotta get back to the grind. See you out there, Beesly," he grinned, before making his way out of the break room and leaving Pam on her own. 

Beesly, Pam thought, feeling like the wind had been knocked out of her. Jim hadn't called her that since he'd come back to Scranton. Beesly, she sighed with an exhale through her nose as she closed her eyes. It had been so long. She felt like the word was wrapping itself around her in a tight embrace. Her heart started beating quicker at the thought of Jim's arms holding her close to him, of him looking down at her as she peered up at him, of lips slowly moving closer together, full of anticipation. 

The break room door opening jolted Pam out of her daydream. Angela glared at Pam as she made her way over to the vending machines in silence. Pam ducked her head down and stared at the page below her, feigning interest in the rich red, green, and gold coloured illustrations. With Angela taking her sweet time choosing a candy bar, Pam studied the bucket list, slowly slipping into a world where she was cuddled up to Jim on the couch while wearing Christmas pyjamas, sipping hot cocoa, and watching an old Christmas movie, the Christmas tree illuminating her living room with a soft glow - simultaneously crossing off multiple items from the bucket list.  

Again, Angela broke Pam from her thoughts, this time with the closing of the break room door. Pam looked down again at the page and sighed. It would never happen. Jim would be completing the bucket list with Karen. Karen, ugh, she thought. No, stop it, Karen is nice. She's pretty and smart. And Jim's girlfriend. Ugh. Pam dropped her head into her hands in frustration. It had been kind of fun yesterday, planning the party with Karen. But Karen was still with Jim. Her Jim. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that they would be doing the Christmas bucket list together. It wasn't fair that Pam would be alone. It wasn't fair that she couldn't have fun doing all these holiday activities. 

But why not?

Why did she have to rely on anyone? Why couldn't she do all these things alone? It wasn't called a couple's bucket list, it was a Christmas bucket list. Just because Pam wasn't with Jim didn't mean she couldn't try to make the most of the festive period. She stared down at the page, taking in all the things she could do to take her mind off of Jim. No scratch that, this wasn't about Jim, it was about her. She shook her head. She took in all the things she could do to have the best Christmas ever. A Christmas without having to worry about putting someone else first. A Christmas without having to hide the things she really wanted to do. A Christmas not having to visit people she didn't particularly like or do things that she didn't want to do. Maybe it would be the best Christmas ever. 

Pam carefully pressed the spine of the magazine open and slowly tore out the bucket list page. She neatly folded it in half, then half again and once more, before slipping it into the pocket of her cardigan. After closing the magazine and throwing the remnants of her lunch away, Pam calmly walked back to her desk, intent on making her very own Christmas bucket list plan.

By the end of the day, Pam was feeling good. Great, even. She'd never been able to put herself first at Christmas before; it was always whatever Roy wanted, and she had put a smile on her face while doing it. Most of the time however, Roy just didn't want to do anything festive in the slightest, aside from the warehouse's Christmas party. For years, Pam hadn't been able to stroll through Winter Markets, spend a day watching Christmas movies, play cheesy festive songs as she cooked or decorate the house. Roy had always complained that he hated Christmas trees and the way that they dropped pine needles everywhere, and that it was a waste of money to buy ‘piece of crap' decorations as he liked to call them.  

So it was just natural at this point for Pam to not think about decorating, even though she now had her own apartment. It just hadn't really occurred to her that she should, or could, decorate however she wanted. Plus, there was no way a Christmas tree would fit in her Yaris. But Pam wasn't going to let that stop her, not now. She'd go to the Christmas tree farm near her apartment after work, stopping on the way at the SteamTown Mall to get herself some Christmas pyjamas.

After watching the clock tick all the way to 5pm, Pam grabbed her bag and purse slightly haphazardly, almost knocking the coat stand over. She let out a small yelp, which no one even acknowledged, other than Jim, who turned around before rushing to help her.  

"Woah, Beesly, you ok there?" Jim asked, letting out a small laugh with a concerned look on his face as he helped her to put the coat stand back in its place. 

Beesly. There it was again, leaving Pam slightly speechless. "Uh, yeah," she eventually mumbled. "Thanks," she said, tucking a stray hair behind her ear. "Have a good evening," she smiled.

"You too," he replied with a lopsided grin.

Thirty minutes later, Pam was browsing the racks of Boscov's in the SteamTown Mall with two pairs of pyjamas folded over her arm: one was navy blue cotton with little snowmen all over the pants and a larger one on the front of the long sleeve tee, and the other pair was red and green check flannel with tiny silver snowflakes dotted on them. A red and white Fair Isle wool sweater caught her eye, and Pam realised she didn't own anything like it. In all the years of Christmas parties and holiday get-togethers, she'd only ever worn her tiny Christmas earrings or brooch because Roy never seemed to notice them. She grabbed the sweater and folded it over the pyjamas on her arm as she carried on browsing. Soon enough, a black sequin slip dress and some impossibly high heels that Pam knew she'd never really be able to walk in, joined the pile. Maybe she'd have some surprise date for New Year's Eve. Pam didn't want to be under prepared.

New clothes safely in her trunk, Pam pulled into the parking lot of the Christmas tree farm, looking at the trucks already parked up and just wondering what she was thinking trying to get a tree home in her little car. She wandered up to the entrance, pulling her scarf up to her chin to keep the evening chill out and disappeared into the man made forest. Pam slowly meandered around the trees, breathing in the scent of fir, feeling the needles beneath her fingers as she ran her hands over the branches. She was lost in thought, feeling completely serene, when she walked straight into something. Well, someone. 

"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry," Pam gushed into the person's back. 

"No worries," a familiar voice replied as they began to turn around. "Beesly! What are you doing here?" 

Beesly. It didn't throw her so much this time, but it still filled her with that same warmth in the middle of this freezing night.

"Obviously buying a Christmas tree Jim. What are you doing here? Waiting for a train?" she asked with a cocked head, smiling with her tongue poking between her teeth. It had been so long since they'd joked around like this, Pam had missed it so much. It felt like yesterday's CIA prank had ever so slightly lifted the lid on who they used to be.

Jim smiled down at the ground as he shoved his hands into his coat pockets. "So, uh, who are you here with?" he asked a little hesitantly, his slightly pink cheeks hidden under the darkness of the early evening.

"Oh, no one," she shrugged. "How about you?"

"How are you gonna get your tree home?" he laughed, completely ignoring Pam's question. 

"I guess I haven't really thought this all the way through," she smirked with an eye roll. 

"Want some help?"

"Oh no, that's ok," she rushed out. "You should go back and help Karen with picking a tree." 

"Karen?" Jim asked, clearly confused. 

"Yeah, aren't you here with Karen getting a tree?"

"Nah, I'm here with my parents," he said simply. "My dad's back isn't great and there's no way my mom could do anything useful with the tree." 

"Oh," she giggled, part relieved that Karen wasn't there, part wondering why she wasn't there. Have they already bought their trees together? she wondered. Duh, Karen's still in that hotel, of course she doesn't have a tree. Maybe Jim has one and they decorated it together. She furrowed her eyebrows slightly, trying not to think about their festive fun. "Huh?" Pam asked, so buried in thought that she hadn't realised Jim was talking.

"I said, I can help you with your tree after I get my parents' one onto their roof rack. So...?"  

"Oh no, that's ok, you don't have to," she rushed out, before really thinning it through. 

"So how are you planning on getting the tree off of your car and into your apartment?" he asked with a raised eyebrow. 

"Umm," she giggled with a slight blush. "Thank you, that would be great." 

"Alright, let's choose you a tree," he smiled, holding his hand out for Pam to lead the way. 

Jim and Pam wandered around the farm, making jokes about the trees and whispering about the other customers, lost in their own little world. They weighed up the pros and cons of each tree, rated them on their attractiveness and guessed which tree everyone from the office would pick. Pam couldn't remember the last time she'd had such a fun evening, her face was actually beginning to hurt from all the smiling she'd been doing. It just felt natural. It felt right. They felt right. 

Finally she found the perfect tree, and a sales associate helped her to the cashier, while Jim went to find his parents to help load up their car. The plan was for Jim to ride in Pam's car to her place, help her get the tree inside, and then Pam would drop Jim at his parents house to help them with their tree.

"Alright, let's get this giant tree on your tiny car," Jim laughed as he approached Pam.

"Hey, it's not that tiny," she tried to say with a straight face. They both burst out in laughter, both holding in the words that naturally reverberated around their minds. "Don't," Pam warned."

"Wasn't going to say a word," he said with a laugh, holding his hands up in front of his shoulders as if in surrender.  

Jim easily lifted the tree onto the roof of Pam's car and securely tired it on. Pam just gazed at him as he effortlessly worked, amazed at how strong he was. She managed to stop her staring just as he turned around. "Great work," she smiled.  

She was about to get into the car, just next to where Jim was standing, but he stopped her. "Here, let me," he said, pulling the handle to open the car door for Pam. 

"Thanks," she blushed as she got into the car.

The twenty five minute drive back to Pam's apartment seemed to rush by in seconds. By the time she pulled up outside her place, she had tears streaming down her face recounting to Jim the results he'd been unable to see for the gaydar and future fax pranks, as well as filling him in on making Dwight run laps of the building the morning Jim had returned to Scranton. 

"Oh man," Jim laughed, wiping his own eyes. He paused slightly to compose himself. "It really is good to be back. I mean, I know I was trying to be the super serious Assistant Regional Manager and everything, but I just don't think that's who I really am, you know?" Pam nodded silently. "And, I'm sorry about yesterday. I read the whole file when I got home. Beesly, it was amazing! His hopes and dreams? Why he makes a great best friend? Who he'd replace in The A Team? Honestly, it was genius." 

"Thanks," Pam giggled. "And I'm glad too, you know, that you're back," she said more seriously. "Tonight's been really fun, feel's kinda like old times."

Jim nodded. "Yeah," he said, a smile on his face, but a hint of sadness in his voice, "it does."

After parking the car, Jim got the tree off of the roof as Pam grabbed her shopping bags from the trunk and they made their way to Pam's apartment. "This is me here," she said, pointing to a blue door, "least there's no stairs," she laughed.

"Thank god for that," Jim groaned as Pam opened the door, "I'm not sure how much longer I can hold this for." 

"Oh my god," Pam shrieked, "let me help you." She grabbed the small front end of the tree and guided Jim towards the living room. He complimented her place as they walked through the apartment, and she laughed louder than she should have at his joke about only one kitchen, but it was more that it had caught her off guard that he'd remembered their conversation from months before. They set the tree down in the far corner by Pam's bookshelf and Jim pulled the ties off of it so that its branches unfurled and filled the small nook. 

"You picked a great tree, Beesly," he smiled. "It's gonna look great when it's all decorated." 

"Well, I'll actually need to buy some ornaments for that to happen. Man, I really haven't thought this whole tree thing through," she laughed.

"Wait. You don't have any decorations?" he asked, taken aback.

"No, we never used to, um, I haven't really had, uh," she tried to say, not really wanting to talk about Roy. "This is my first proper tree." 

"Wow," he replied, his eyebrows shooting up underneath his hair. "Guess you've got some shopping to do this weekend huh?"

"Yeah," she laughed. "Uh, I guess I should probably get you back to your parents' place right?" 

"Oh yeah, my tree duties are far from over," he grinned. 

--

An hour later, Pam had slipped on the red and green check pyjamas and was about to get into bed when she heard a knock at the door. She thought about ignoring it, particularly as it was pretty late, but she heard her name being called. 

"Jim?" she said in surprise as she opened the door to find him standing there. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, I realised I hadn't given you your Christmas present yet. Sorry I didn't wrap it," he smirked, mimicking her apology from the day before, as he held out a small white bird on a red ribbon. Pam took it tentatively and gazed at it, examining all the details of the feathers. "It's um, a turtle dove," Jim said, a touch of nervousness in his voice. "For, uh, your tree, because you know, you don't have any decorations and all." He dug his hands into his pockets and stared at her looking at the ornament. 

"It's beautiful," she finally breathed, looking up at him. "But aren't there meant to be two turtle doves?"

"Beesly, come on," he smirked, cocking his head to the side. "I know you've seen Home Alone 2. You're meant to keep one of the doves, and give the other to a special friend. I've had these guys for a pretty long time, and it just felt like maybe this one could hang out on your tree." 

"Thank you," Pam gushed, stepping forward to throw her arms around Jim's neck, much like she did the first time he returned to the office. His arms wrapped around her pyjama clad body and held her tight for just a moment, before they both released each other and took a step back. 

"You're welcome," he smiled. 

"I love it. I'm going to put it on the tree right now."

"Well, don't let me stop you. I'll see you on Monday ok?" he said before turning to leave with a wave. 

"Looking forward to it," Pam whispered to his back as she watched him walk away.

She closed her front door and leaned against it, gazing at the turtle dove again. She ran her fingers over the matte white surface of the bird, feeling the bumps of the feathers, before holding it close to her chest. Pam made her way over to the tree and carefully hung the ornament right at the front where she'd be able to see it and took a step backwards. She stood with her arms wrapped around herself, staring at the empty tree, bathed only in moonlight from her window and thought about the symbol of love and friendship she'd just been given. All of a sudden she couldn't wait for the weekend to be over and to get into the office. 

Pam woke up the next morning feeling the happiest she'd been since before Stamford, Karen, and broken engagements had become part of her life. She padded through to her living room with a mug of steaming tea and sat on the couch cross-legged, looking at her almost bare tree. She sighed happily, staring at the turtle dove, wondering about what Jim might be doing right now. Suddenly, she froze. Karen. Shit. Jim would be with Karen. Of course. It was the weekend, of course he would be seeing his girlfriend.

Friendship. Obviously, that's what the turtle dove meant. Pam felt so stupid. Jim wasn't trying to tell her she was his one true love. He was just trying to be her friend again. And hadn't she told him that they would always be friends? She felt a wave of embarrassment travel from her head down to the pit of her stomach and a bout of nausea hit her. How could I be so stupid? she thought. He was just returning the favour of a gift. He said it himself, he'd had it for years. And that it was for a special ‘friend'. It was probably just something he grabbed from his parents place when he realised he didn't have a gift for me.

Pam wiped her hand over her face and stood, leaving the living room and the tree that she felt was now boring into her soul. She took a seat at her breakfast bar, took out a pad of paper, and started writing a shopping list. She wrote furiously, trying to forget about Jim and any thoughts she might have had about a second chance with him. Christmas decorations, an advent calendar, a gingerbread house, presents for her family, a holiday candle, hot cocoa and all the toppings she wanted. Pam scribbled anything she could from the bucket list so that she'd be out of the house for as long as possible and not have to look at that stupid naked tree any longer. 

Five hours and far too much money spent later, Pam returned to her apartment, ladened with bags. She dropped them in the hallway and peeled off her pink puffer coat and scarf, pushing her frizzed out hair back into place. After putting the food items onto the kitchen counter, she grabbed the three bags full of decorations and trudged into the living room to face the tree. She wasn't really sure what to do with the turtle dove. Should I move it? she wondered. Or leave it where it is? Or should I just take it off altogether? It's not like Jim's ever going to see the tree and wonder where it is. Pam touched the ornament tentatively, holding her breath. She clasped her hand around the bird as if to pull it off the tree, but stopped. But what if he does? 

She let go of the bird and looked at it. So many thoughts were rushing around her head that Pam couldn't think straight. "Shit," she muttered as she bit a hangnail on her thumb, debating what to do. "Ok, you can stay," she said sternly to the bird, "but no funny business, alright?"  

Pam poured herself a large glass of white wine and after finding a radio station playing non-stop Christmas songs, she finally got to work on the tree. She worked around the bird, adding red and gold decorations around it, conscious not to make it a focal point, but also making sure it wasn't hidden. Once the tree was finally finished, she took a step back and admired her very first grown up tree with a proud smile. Her eyes were drawn back to the dove and a wave of nausea hit her again. She downed the last gulp of wine and turned on her heel for the kitchen to make her gingerbread house and catch up on almost three weeks of advent chocolate, intent on staying out of the living room for the rest of the night. 

--

Still trying to avoid the living room, Pam spent Sunday morning decorating her kitchen and coming up with a plan for the rest of the day. She decided to head to the holiday market close to McDade Park in the afternoon so that she could go and forage for decorations beforehand, and drive back through West Scranton to look at the Christmas lights around the neighbourhood. Pam figured she was killing three birds with one stone on the bucket list and with Christmas less than a week away, she didn't have much time left. 

It was only when Pam already had an armful of twigs that she was going to wrap with string lights and a basket full of pine cones in her hand that it occurred to her that she didn't actually know when or which market Kelly and co were planning on going to for their double date. Still, there were three Christmas markets in Scranton and given that they'd been talking about a double date, it was more probable that they'd have gone on Saturday night than a Sunday afternoon. Right? 

Wrong. 

Pam had spent about thirty minutes at the festive market queuing for a cup of hot cider, watching the people ice skating and ‘casually' strolling around the stalls, all whilst on high alert for Jim, Karen, Kelly and Ryan. She'd made it her mission to find a unique ornament from the bucket list at the market, ticking off another item, and decided that as soon as she found it, she'd hightail it to see the Christmas lights. She found a stall selling personalised gingerbread men ornaments and thought that one that looked like her would make a pretty unique decoration for her tree. Pam was deciding on how to make the gingerbread man look like her when she felt someone come up next to her. 

"I think yours should have a little pink sweater on it," Jim said, startling Pam out of her concentration. 

"Jeez, you scared me," she gasped, clutching her chest.

"Sorry," he softly laughed. "But you know, a little pink sweater would kind of make it look like you." 

Pam blushed slightly, feeling warm at the thought of Jim knowing exactly what she was trying to do. "Well, yours would have a little blue shirt and tie on," she shot back, tongue between her teeth with a wide smile. 

"Alrighty," he chuckled. "I'll take one with a light blue shirt and a dark blue tie please," he said to the stall owner. "And another with a pink cardigan?" he said, half to the owner, half in question to Pam.

"And add a white blouse please," she instructed the seller with a little laugh. 

They stood next to each other in silence, unsure of what to say. Finally Jim broke the tension. "So, uh, who are you here with?" 

"Oh, um, no one," she blushed. "Just crossing another thing off the bucket list," she nervously laughed.

"So you decided to do it, huh?" he smirked, crossing his arms. "How's it going?"

"Not bad, managed to get a few done today, and I'm gonna go for a drive to see some of the Christmas lights around West Scranton on the way home, so that's another one too."

"Sounds like you've got it all figured out, Beesly," he smiled.

There was another beat of silence and Pam felt the need to fill it. "Who are you here with?" Pam asked, cringing immediately as she said the question, knowing exactly who Jim was here with. 

"Well, I arrived with Karen, Kelly and Ryan, but currently I'm hanging solo. Kinda hiding a little," he explained. 

"How come?" she asked, a little confused. 

"Uh, Karen had to take some call from her hysterical friend and she's currently driving halfway to Stamford to try and calm her down, and Kelly and Ryan started having some fight, so I'm just sort of waiting it out until they've calmed down," he sighed. 

"Why don't you go home?"

"Oh, well," he chuckled, reaching up to scratch his neck, "Karen drove us here, and Ryan said I could get a ride home with them. So I'm just kinda hiding until it's time to leave." 

"I can take you home," Pam blurted out before she realised what she was saying. "You know, if you didn't want to wait for them and stuff," she added a little bashfully. 

"Beesly, you're a lifesaver," he groaned, bending backwards, "thank you!" 

"Here you go," the stall owner interrupted, handing over a paper bag with the gingerbread men in, "that'll be $22." 

"Here you go," Jim said, quickly pulling out several bills from his wallet.  

"Oh no, you don't need to do that," Pam rushed out, reaching into her purse. 

"Consider it gas money," he laughed.

"Thanks," she blushed. "Oh look, they're so cute," she giggled. "He looks just like you. A little Jim-gerbread man," she laughed, wiggling the ornament from side to side. Jim just rolled his eyes as he tried not to laugh. Pam put the bag of gingerbread men into her purse and they started walking aimlessly through the market in silence. "So, what would you recommend here?" Pam finally asked. 

"Did you try the s'mores place?"

"No, but that sounds great!" she gushed. "Let's go!" As they wandered over to get some treats, they passed a stand full of dress up items with an old timey camera, and Pam stared, her head turning to stay focused on it. 

"You wanna get some pictures taken?" Jim laughed.

"No it's so cheesy," she giggled. "I mean, I need to take some holiday pictures for this stupid bucket list, but I'll set something up on a timer at home maybe, or I dunno, we'll see."

"Come on," he laughed, grabbing her hand and pulling her towards the little staged area. "Two please," he said to the sales associate, holding up two fingers. 

As soon as the family on the stage had finished their turn, Jim and Pam got onto the raised platform and started digging through the boxes of props. Pam grabbed a giant candy cane, while Jim reached for two Santa hats. "Santa and Mrs Claus?" he asked, holding one of the hats out to Pam.

"Sure," she laughed, her cheeks tingeing pink at even the slightest, most ridiculous insinuation of getting to be Jim's wife. She pulled the red fur lined hat on and put the candy cane out in front of her as if it were a cane that she was about to start tap dancing with. Jim took out an elf from the box and held it under his arm in a headlock. "Ready? she asked him. 

"Say ‘bucket list," he grinned at her, before turning to face the camera. 

"Bucket list," they both shouted at the camera with wide smiles, a second before the flash went off. 

After striking pose after pose, they hopped off the stage laughing and went to collect their pictures. Pam slipped the envelope into her purse, next to the gingerbread men and they began to walk through the market again. "I don't know about you, but I think I'm kind of Christmas market'd out," Pam said as they passed another Gluhwein stall.

"Oh yeah, I was pretty much ready to go the minute Kelly started talking about ice skating," he laughed with his hands shoved into his pockets. "You said you wanted to go see some Christmas lights on the drive home?" 

"Yeah, cross another one off the old bucket list," she smiled. "I think there's maybe some good ones in West Scranton?"

"Oh no, we gotta go down to South Side, there's this crazy house there, you're gonna love it," Jim said with a huge smile.

"Yeah?" Pam replied, a smile almost matching the size of Jim's on her face, as he nodded at her. "Let's go."

Jim guided Pam over to Prospect Avenue to find the Christmas Lights House, both of them laughing and chatting as she drove them. On the way, they drove through an entire neighbourhood  of brightly lit houses, with Pam trying to keep her focus on the road as much as possible, but ended up sneaking a few glances at the illuminated decorations and Jim. Once they reached the Christmas Lights House and Pam had parked, they spent well over an hour slowly wandering around the neighbourhood, staring at houses as they made easy conversation. From time to time, the back of their hands brushed, or they bumped into each other, and each time it happened, Pam's breath hitched and she thought she might pass out.  

They walked all the way to the end of the block before turning back, discussing their Christmas plans; Jim was staying in town to spend the day with his family at his parents house, while Pam was driving up Christmas morning to her parents in Harrisburg. Jim didn't say if Karen was joining him, and Pam couldn't bring herself to ask. Instead she moved them onto guessing what a Schrute Christmas day looked like. 

Eventually they reached Pam's car and got in, a silence washing over them as they both realised that their evening was coming to an end. As Pam reluctantly drove to Jim's apartment, he fiddled with the radio trying to break the silence. He settled on a holiday station and they hummed along to classic Christmas songs. 

"Hmm, nah," Pam muttered to herself. 

"Huh?" Jim asked, clearly confused. 

"Oh, sorry. Another bucket list thing. I need to find a favourite Christmas song," she said with a nod of her head. 

"Right," he laughed, turning the radio up a little louder. They listened to, and discussed songs until Pam finally arrived at Jim's place. "Thanks for the ride, Beesly," he said with a lopsided grin.

"Couldn't exactly leave you stranded with Kelly and Ryan, now could I?" she giggled. 

"And for that I will be forever grateful," he laughed. The silence was back again as they stared at each other, but Jim finally broke it. "Well, I should probably get inside. Thanks again." He moved to open his door, but Pam stopped him. 

"Oh wait," she gasped, rummaging through her purse for the ornaments and pictures. "Don't forget your Jim-gerbread man." She held out the gingerbread man to him, as well as one of the photos. 

"Oh you know what, why don't you keep him," he said.

"Oh, ok," she almost whimpered. Of course he wouldn't want a reminder of their evening, she thought. He wouldn't want Karen seeing an ornament that was made to match mine, or photos of us of them having fun. For all Pam knew, Jim hadn't told Karen anything about their old friendship. "Yeah, sure," she said as she dropped her hand and tried not to cry. 

"It's just, I don't have a tree to hang it on," he explained, clearly noticing how Pam's face had dropped. "And I figure he can keep Pam-cake company. And the turtle dove," he shrugged with a small grin. 

"Ok," she tried to smile, not feeling much better, despite Jim's explanation. 

"But I will take one of those," he said, reaching over to grab one of the photographs. He smiled down at the silly faces they were pulling. "Alright, well, goodnight Beesly," he grinned as he got out of the car. 

"Goodnight," she whispered to the empty car as Jim shut the door, a smile tugging at her lips as she watched him walk away.

Monday at the office passed by quickly, and relatively uneventfully, which Pam was thankful for. Karen was back from visiting her friend, and so Pam didn't attempt to go near Jim, whom she noticed was much more reserved and distant than the day before. It was almost as if he was purposefully avoiding her.

As the clock ticked past five, Pam stood, reached for her coat, and put it on. She wanted to get out of the office as quickly as she could and avoid being stuck in the elevator with Jim and Karen. 

"Any big plans tonight?" Jim asked as he walked behind Pam to reach his own jacket. 

"Oh, uh, I'm gonna watch ‘It's a Wonderful Life' and try to pick a song," she replied as she fluffed her hair out from under her collar.

"No luck finding your favourite song then?" he asked as he slipped his own coat on. 

"Not yet," she shrugged. 

"You'll get there," he smiled as he reached for Karen's jacket. "Have a good evening, Beesly," he said as he turned on his heel and walked over to Karen's desk, leaving Pam feeling a dark pit opening in her stomach 

--

Pam trudged into the office the next morning feeling particularly awful. She'd been listening to Christmas songs for hours last night and had stayed up ridiculously late watching ‘It's a Wonderful Life'. She'd gone to bed with thoughts of wondering how much better everyone else's lives, or just Jim's if she were being completely honest, would be if she weren't around, coupled with ‘All I Want for Christmas' playing on repeat. She alternated between images of Jim singing the song to her on one knee with a rose in his hand and of Jim and Karen drinking wine from silver goblets in some sort of castle laughing maniacally saying ‘Pam who?' 

She sat at her desk looking glum with her chin resting heavily in her open palm, trying to stop Mariah Carey's biggest hit from rattling around her brain. She sighed loudly at nothing as she stared into space, not noticing the office door open. 

"Morning Beesly," Jim said cheerfully as he walked past reception.

"Uh," Pam coughed, sitting up straight. "Sorry. Morning," she said a little bashfully, tucking a loose curl behind her ear. 

"Hey Pam," Karen smiled as she breezed into the office, a beat behind Jim. She grinned at Jim, who was taking off his suit jacket, and walked over to her desk. With her back to reception, Karen didn't see Pam shrink down behind her monitor. 

For the rest of the day, Pam kept to herself and tried to avoid everyone. She let her eyes drift up as Karen stood and made her way over to Jim's desk. She tried not to watch their interaction, but she couldn't stop staring at them. She saw Karen frown and roll her eyes, but couldn't quite make out the quiet but obviously tense words she gritted out at Jim. Pam saw Jim's head tip down and then shake slightly from side to side, which caused Karen to huff and stomp away from his desk, pausing only to take her jacket from the coat rack and then leave the office. Pam immediately trained her eyes on her notebook and fiercely doodled, wondering what was going on. 

"Hey," Jim whispered to the top of Pam's head approximately 37 seconds later. 

"Oh, hey," Pam gasped, having jumped out of her skin at Jim's disturbance. 

"Sorry," he smiled as he leaned on her desk. "So, how did the song choosing go? You pick one yet?" he asked as he fished around for a jellybean. 

"Oh don't remind me," she groaned as ‘All I Want for Christmas is You' filled her head again, and she tried not to blush as she looked up at Jim. 

He reached behind and pulled something out of his back pocket. "This might help," he shrugged as he pushed a tape towards her.

"What's this?" she asked as she picked up the tape and began to examine it, not recognising many of the song titles scribbled on the little cardboard insert. 

"It's just some of my favourites. I thought, I dunno," he shrugged, "maybe you might like one of them." 

"Thanks," she whispered as she looked up at him, her mouth dryer than she thought possible.

-- 

After watching everyone, including Jim, leave the office, Pam finally slipped the tape into her purse and headed home. She felt the tape burning a hole in her bag the entire drive and itched to play it, but she didn't have a cassette player in her Yaris. After parking up, Pam rooted around in her purse for her front door keys, her knuckles brushing the cold plastic of the tape case, sending a shiver up her spine.

When she was finally inside, Pam shrugged off her jacket and toed off her shoes. She immediately went to the small stereo in her kitchen and put the tape in. The sound of Otis Redding wafted around the room as Pam began to pull out the ingredients for the sugar cookies she was about to bake. She beat the butter and sugar together as he sang ‘well, I want to kiss you, baby, while you're standing beneath the mistletoe', and blushed slightly thinking that Jim may have put this song onto the mixtape wishing he could kiss Pam under the mistletoe. She quickly shook the idea out of her head. 

Unfamiliar Irish voices took over from Otis as Pam was sifting flour and she paused to listen to the lyrics. She smiled at the thought of some couple, maybe her and Jim, wandering through the cold night of New York City, the bright lights of Times Square and Broadway shining down on them. The turning of the song's lyrics to an argument jolted Pam out of her daydream and focused her back on listening as she mixed, unsure of what to make of the song. ‘Can't make it all alone, I've built my dreams around you', filled her ears before the song closed out, causing her to let out a silent sob.

Pam tipped out the dough and started forming it into a ball, punching it to try and let out some of her adrenaline. The next unknown voices, this time English ones, floated around her. She stilled her movements, tears falling from her eyes as she heard ‘don't you know we've come too far now, just to go and try to throw it all away'. She stopped the tape and wiped her eyes before her tears ruined her cookies. 

She finished the cookies in silence and left them to cool on the rack on the kitchen counter. Pam couldn't bring herself to put the tape back on as she painted the tips of the pinecones she'd collected before the Christmas market gold. It wasn't until she was laying in bed with a facemask on after having a steaming hot, gingerbread scented bath, that Pam felt she was ready to listen to the tape again. 

She pressed play and listened to the gentle synthesised music begin to play. She drifted into her own thoughts and before long, tears were leaking sideways down her face mask and into her hair as ‘the snow is falling down, gets colder day by day, I miss you', rang around her. Is he trying to torture me? she wondered. Is he trying to tell me he's still in love with me? What about Karen? 

Pam was exhausted. She scrubbed the face mask off, and patted the cool moisturiser onto her skin. She looked  in the mirror at her reflection, taking in her red eyes. What a mess she'd made of the past year. The loss of her best friend. The loneliness she felt. The hurt she'd caused. The pain of watching her soulmate with another woman. It struck her as odd that ‘broken engagement' wasn't on of the list of things that she'd fucked up this year.

The list. This damn bucket list. Why am I doing it? she groaned to herself. Sure, some of it had been fun, but most of it was just reminding her of everything she'd lost when she said ‘I can't'.

She wiped her eyes and climbed into bed, pulling the covers right up to her chin. The last song on the tape began to play as Pam's eyes started to flutter shut. The last thing she heard before she slipped into unconsciousness was ‘it's been a long December and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last', and decided she'd found her favourite Christmas song.

Pam wasn't really sure how she was going to face Jim the next day at the office, but oddly enough, she didn't have to. As she was checking her voicemails, between the various orders and requests for meetings, Jim had called in sick. Pam bit her lip as she listened to his simple and short explanation. A message from Jan followed, then one last voicemail. From Karen. Also sick. 

Now Pam felt sick. They'd both called off work. Neither sounding particularly ill. Had they gone away for an impromptu trip? she wondered. Were they just spending the day in bed? Buying each other their Christmas gifts? Pam thought she was about to vomit and ran to the bathroom. She stopped at the sink, splashed cold water on her face, and tried to calm down. It doesn't matter what they're doing, she told herself, they're in a relationship. They can do what they like. But the tape? And the dove? The tape doesn't fucking mean anything. And we've been over this, the dove was a friendship dove. Just get a grip, he's with Karen.

After a few minutes, she managed to pull herself back together and walked back to her desk, intent on getting through the day without thinking about Jim or Karen. By the end of the day, Pam had managed to complete seven sudoku's, twelve games of solitaire, and somehow managed to get Michael to sign all of the expense reports. And she'd only thought about Jim forty seven times.

She did much better in the evening, only managing thirty three times. She focused as much as she could on getting all of her family's presents wrapped, stopping to read the Christmas picture book she'd bought for her little cousin, to tick off a couple more items from the damn bucket list. Pam wrote a thank you note to her mailman as she inhaled the scent of Sparkling Winterberry that wafted around the room from the large red candle she was burning, pleased that two more items from the list could go.

After placing the note to her mailman in her mailbox, along with a small package of the cookies she'd made, Pam slipped into bed so she could stare at the ceiling for two hours, doing her absolute damndest not to think about Jim.

--

Thursday again brought two more voicemails from Jim and Karen claiming sick days, but Pam didn't care. She hadn't heard from Jim since he'd given her the tape, but why should she? He was in a relationship with someone else. He was just being friendly and trying to help her get through the bucket list. Friends don't need to check up on each other constantly.

Friends, she thought, as she stared absentmindedly ahead with a sigh. Who am I kidding? We're never going to be friends, it's just too hard. Being friends with someone shouldn't be full of this much wanting. This much pain. Pam looked ahead and her eyes fell on Dwight who was peeling a boiled egg. Dwight is kind of my friend.

Suddenly a wave of regret hit Pam from the prank she'd pulled on him in the months leading up to Christmas as a gift for Jim. She felt particularly bad knowing that Dwight had thrown his cell phone away, a fact she'd found out when she overheard him giving a client his new phone number because the old one was ‘compromised'. Pam wondered how she could make it up to him. Then a thought occurred to her that she still needed to tick an anonymous act of service off of the bucket list. Maybe it could be for Dwight.

Which is how Pam found herself driving up the long gravel path to Schrute Farms ten hours later, with a cardboard box full of her homemade sugar cookies sitting next to her on the passenger seat. She killed the headlights so as not to alert Dwight of a car approaching his property and slowed down to a crawl. She parked a little way from the main house and grabbed the box of cookies, before walking the rest of the way up the driveway.  

It was dark already, being pretty late in the evening as Pam didn't want to risk bumping into Dwight, so it took her a minute to realise what she was staring at in the moonlight. But there it was, the whole house was wrapped in thick yellow police tape that read ‘Police Line Do Not Cross'. Jim, she smiled to herself. Absolutely one hundred percent this was Jim's doing. She knew he'd bought five spools of the tape and had hardly even made a dent in the first one last year when he turned Dwight's desk into a crime scene. As Pam quietly walked to the house, she couldn't help but giggle at what Dwight's reaction would be in the morning. It was a shame that she wouldn't be there to see it or even to hear about it in the office when he eventually made it in, as she was taking Christmas Eve as a personal day.

She slipped under the tape across the porch and left the cookies, along with an anonymous Christmas card on the seat of the rocking chair that was next to the front door. She ducked back under the tape and silently tiptoed down the steps. Once she was at the bottom, Pam turned and looked up at the house. She took out her phone and snapped a quick picture in the dark. She looked at the screen, and could just about make out the house and the yellow tape reflecting the moonlight. She wondered for a second if she should send it to Jim. It's what you would do if you were his friend, she said to herself, but can you really be his friend?  

Pam continued arguing with herself as she drove home about whether or not she should send Jim the picture of his prank. By the time she reached her house, Pam had decided that a ‘friend' wouldn't debate this much about sending a message, and so she definitely shouldn't send it. But after parking her car and walking to her front door, she went back on her decision and was adamant that this was the perfect thing to have a friendly message about. Before she could change her mind again, she quickly typed out ‘I'm guessing this is your handiwork?' and hit send, along with the picture of the house. 

As she tidied up the house and got ready for bed, Pam purposefully ignored her phone. It wasn't until she was finally tucked up in bed, an hour later, that she allowed herself to see if Jim had replied. Her heart sank. There was nothing there. Not a reply, not a missed call, nothing. She closed her phone and pulled the covers up around her chin. Taking a deep breath, Pam told herself it didn't matter, and repeated it until she finally fell asleep. 

--

She couldn't help it. As soon as Pam opened her eyes on Christmas Eve morning, she rolled over and grabbed her phone, desperately hoping that Jim had messaged overnight. But he hadn't. Such an idiot, she cursed herself, cringing at the fact she'd sent him a message in the first place. She threw off the covers and got out of bed, stomping her way to the bathroom. After a quick shower, Pam got dressed and made her way to the kitchen to get some breakfast.  

As she sat down at the table with a plate of pancakes, Pam looked down at the almost complete bucket list and sighed. She'd originally decided to do the bucket list so that she could have a Christmas she really wanted and to experience all the festive things that she wanted to do in her own way. But she felt like for the last week, she'd focused on almost nothing but Jim. But none of it had really been intentional. It's not like she knew he'd be at the Christmas tree farm. Or that he'd be stranded at the Holiday Market. And he was the one that wanted to help her pick a favourite song, she hadn't asked him to give her his favourites. Not forgetting about the ornaments too. But hadn't those all been kind of fun? Maybe a little heartbreaking, sure, but more overwhelmingly fun than not. 

So maybe it wasn't that she'd focused on Jim, but that he knew exactly what she needed without knowing it herself. He was so in tune with her, that without him even realising it, he'd kind of given her the perfect Christmas. Well, almost the perfect Christmas. 

One of the last things on the bucket list was to write a Christmas letter to Santa. Pam knew the only thing she'd be asking for was the one thing that she'd probably never get.  

Jim.

With no work for the day, Pam spent the day getting ready for her trip to Harrisburg. She wrapped up the remaining presents for her family and packed her suitcase. After cleaning the apartment from top to toe and making a fresh batch of gingerbread men, Pam finally gave in and sat down to write the letter to Santa. She placed a half letter sized piece of thick cream coloured paper on her kitchen table and found her fountain pen. She paused for a moment, wondering what to write, and that's when her phone finally vibrated. ‘Yeah, that was me :)' the message read when Pam looked at her screen. A warmth flooded her from her chest outwards and she couldn't help but smile at the fact that he'd finally replied. But it doesn't mean anything, she sighed as she closed her phone and picked up her pen again and let the words flow onto the page: 

Dear Santa,

I know I haven't really been all that nice this year, what with everything that happened with Roy and Jim, but I'm really hoping you can look past that and let me have what I want for Christmas. And well, for forever really. 

I've missed him so much, and even though he's back, it's not the same. He's got a girlfriend and I hate it. I mean, I don't hate her, I just hate the fact he's with her. I wish I could go back in time and tell him that I'm in love with him too, but I know you can't do time travel, so I'm hoping maybe you can give me a second chance instead. I can't just be friends with him. I need him. 

The only thing I'm asking for this year is Jim Halpert to love me again.

Merry Christmas. 

Love, Pam

Pam looked at the letter she'd just written and let out a deep breath. There it was, in black and white. She didn't want to be friends with Jim, she wanted everything with Jim. She read the letter twice more before folding it in half and sealing it in the envelope. She wrote a quick ‘Santa Claus, North Pole' on the front, and before she could think about what she was actually doing, Pam grabbed the letter and ran out to the mailbox.

She shivered all the way back up the path, noticing just how cold the air around her had gotten. As soon as she was back in the warmth of her apartment, Pam made a cup of hot cocoa, adding marshmallows and whipped cream, to help warm her up. She wandered into the living room and looked at the Christmas tree, flicking her gaze between the Jim-gerbread man and the turtle dove. Once she finished the hot drink and was feeling slightly better, she took a candle to her window sill and lit it. She wasn't entirely sure what to do with the candle, or how long to let it burn for, so she decided to watch a movie before going to bed.

As she watched the little girl in Miracle on 34th Street get every impossible present from Santa that she'd asked for, Pam wondered if somehow, just maybe the same would happen for her tomorrow. She clicked off the TV and walked over to the candle that had now burnt down almost to the base. Before she realised what she was doing, Pam had closed her eyes and was making a wish as if it was a birthday cake candle. Please, please, let Jim love me again, she pleaded to herself. She blew the candle out and opened her eyes to watch the stream of smoke snaking its way upwards. She watched the smoke until it finally disappeared, praying that her wish would come true in the morning.

When Pam awoke the next morning, she was greeted with an unusual silence. Pulling her comforter back, she padded across the cold hardwood floor to her bedroom window and pulled back the heavy floor length curtain. Immediately, an unexpected brightness caused Pam to wince her eyes shut. As she slowly adjusted to the light, she looked out the window. "Oh no," she groaned, seeing the three feet of snow covering her street. She peered on her tiptoes to look for her car. "Fuck," she whispered when she saw not only was it buried up to the windows, but there was also an abandoned car in the street blocking her in. 

After calling her mom to let her know that she wouldn't be able to make the drive, Pam decided to head out to the store for some food now that she was going to be at home for the weekend. She grabbed a couple of bottles of wine, a chicken to roast, some yoghurt, a loaf of bread, milk, some sliced cheese, and a large box of chocolates that would see her through to Monday. Once she had all her groceries packed into two paper bags, Pam braced herself for the short walk back to her apartment. The snow had really picked up while she'd been in the store and the wind caused it to whip around her. For most of the walk back, Pam kept her head down, battling against the bite of the snow that was flying in her face. It was only as she reached her apartment that she realised there was someone knocking on her door. She walked closer, the person barely visible in the snowstorm, wondering what they wanted, until she realised who it was. 

Jim.

"Jim," she said quietly so as not to startle him, but the wind was too strong and her voice was lost in the air. "Jim," she shouted, causing him to finally turn around.

"Hey!" he yelled back as he turned round.

"What are you doing here?" 

"Huh?" Jim asked, unable to hear what Pam had said. 

"Hold this," she said, thrusting out one of the paper bags to Jim. She wasn't sure if he could hear her, but he took the bag and tucked it under his arm. Pam rooted around in her purse until she finally found her key and awkwardly tried to shuffle past Jim to open the door. She managed to find the lock and pushed the door open. As soon as she was inside, she motioned for him to come in.

"Thanks," he said as Pam closed the door behind him. "Wow, it's really coming down out there, huh?" He stood on her mat and brushed the snow off of his shoulders as a small puddle formed at his feet. "Sorry about that," he said a little bashfully.

What's he doing here? her mind screamed, but outwardly she tried to play it cool, if not a little nervously. "Don't worry." She paused for a second, unsure of what to say. "Do you, uh, want a drink or anything. You know, to warm up." 

"Sounds great, thanks," he smiled as he handed over the bag that he had been holding.

"Tea? Cocoa?" Pam asked over her shoulder as she walked to the kitchen. 

"Whatever you're having," he replied, shrugging his coat off and putting it on the back on one of Pam's kitchen chairs. 

Pam set about making two mugs of hot chocolate as Jim awkwardly hovered by the breakfast bar, watching her. As she putzed about the kitchen, she tried not to stare at Jim in his red and black checkered flannel shirt and jeans that fit him just perfectly, wondering what he was doing at her apartment. "Oh, Merry Christmas," she laughed, completely forgetting that she hadn't said it to him yet.

"Merry Christmas," he smiled back at her as he took a seat at the breakfast bar and watched her stirring the pot of hot chocolate. 

Pam could feel his eyes boring into her and started getting nervous. Why is he here? she wondered again. "Not that it's not great to see you, especially as I'm obviously spending the day alone, and not with my parents because of the stupid snow, but, um, how come you're here?" 

Jim was caught off guard slightly, as if he wasn't expecting her to ask that. "Uh," he cleared his throat, "I was thinking more about those turtle doves and how it seems kinda crazy to split the two of them up." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a second dove ornament that matched the one he'd given Pam a few days earlier. "And I know the movie says you should give one away, but I thought they should be together," he said with a shrug as he handed over the ornament to Pam.  

She looked at it, but not in the same way as she had done when he'd given her the first one. What was he trying to say? That she wasn't the special friend he'd suggested she was and it really was just two turtle doves? "Oh, uh, thanks," she said as she took the bird, her cheeks a little pink. She quickly looked down at the saucepan and saw that it was about to bubble and so she turned the gas off. "I'll, um, just go hang it," she said, walking out of the kitchen.  

Pam nestled the ornament on the branch next to the other turtle dove, so that their wings were slightly overlapping and took a step back to look at them. "Looks good," Jim said from behind her with his hands shoved into his pockets. "And they look pretty cute," he said with a nod of his head towards the gingerbread man ornaments. 

"Yeah," she replied shyly. "We should, uh, the hot cocoa is ready," she said, gesturing towards the kitchen with her thumb. This is so awkward, Pam thought as she led Jim out of the living room. What now? We've got to get through a whole drink now. Why didn't he say no when I offered? Surely he wants to get back to Karen now that he's got rid of that stupid bird. They walked back into the kitchen and Pam poured out the drinks and added some marshmallows, with neither of them saying a word. They were silent until Pam finally broke the tension. "So, um, are you feeling better?" 

"Huh?" Jim asked, a little confused, as he ran his hand through his hair, which was still a little damp from the snow. "Oh, uh, the voicemails. Um, yeah, I'm all ok."

"How's Karen doing?" she asked before she could stop herself as she handed Jim his mug of hot cocoa across the breakfast bar.

He took the mug with a small smile and then took a sip. He clutched the mug between his hands and was silent for a second, before he looked at Pam. "We, uh, we broke up." 

"Oh," Pam said quietly. Her eyes darted around the room, as she tried to stop clenching her jaw in excitement. Oh my god!! she screamed internally. They broke up? Why? What happened? Can I ask? Oh my god! "I'm sorry," she finally settled on. Shit, why did I say that? I'm not sorry in the slightest. Jim didn't say anything, and instead just took another sip. "What, um, what happened?"

He put the mug down and slowly looked up at her. "You," he said simply. 

Pam sucked in a quick breath as though she'd been punched in the stomach. "Me?" 

"Yeah, you. It's always been you. Why I left Scranton. Before I left Scranton. Since I've come back. You've always been everything." 

"But you've hardly spoken to me since you've come back," she blurted out. 

"I know, and I'm so sorry about that I can't even begin to tell you. But just," he sighed, "this last week. I just couldn't pretend anymore."

"Pretend what?" she asked, her heartbeat racing a thousand miles a minute. 

"Remember when we were at the Christmas tree farm?" he asked, and Pam nodded. "When I went back to help my dad with their tree he told me off."

"Why?" 

He let out a breath. "Because they thought you were Karen." 

"What?" Pam asked, so confused. 

"They'd seen us walking around talking and joking, and they wanted to meet you," he replied, before taking another sip. "And they were mad I didn't bring you over and introduce you." 

"But I don't get why they thought I was Karen," she said, still so confused as to what Jim was talking about. 

"Because they could see how in love with you I was," he said, looking her directly in the eye. "Even from just the few minutes they saw us, and from a distance. My dad said he's never seen me look so happy before, apart from when I was talking, as he put it ‘about that Pam girl from work'." Pam blushed and had to look down at the floor at that revelation. "So yeah, they assumed you were Karen, because how could I be having such a good time with someone and they not be my girlfriend?" He shrugged and took another sip. 

Pam wasn't sure what to say. "I'm sorry," she eventually mumbled.

"Don't be," Jim said, shaking his head. "I had such a good time that night. The best time I'd had since, god I don't even know since when. Maybe since when we went ice skating on Michael's birthday." Pam smiled at the memory. "And then the market, and the Christmas lights. It's just been," he paused, "it's been amazing. Like how it used to be." 

"Yeah," Pam almost whispered, trying not to cry. Things between them really felt like the way they were, before she had broken his heart and he'd run away to Stamford.

Jim was silent again and Pam couldn't bring herself to say anything. "So yeah, I couldn't do it anymore," he finally said. Pam furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. "I couldn't pretend that I'm not in love with you. It wasn't fair to Karen. I tried, I really did. Back in Stamford, I tried to get over you. But every prank I pulled, all I could think about was you. And all the time I spent with her, I was just kinda forcing myself to have a good time and not think about you. And it just got harder when I came back home and you were just, you were just there all the time. Even when you weren't. All I could see was you." He took a breath and wiped his hand over his face. "I don't think I'd ever had even an ounce of the fun that we've had, with her. And I guess I'd just rather be alone, than with someone and just thinking about you." 

"Why didn't you tell me?" she asked in a small voice. 

"What? That I was in love with you?" he scoffed. "Yeah, because that went so well last time," he said with a roll of his eyes. He noticed how hurt Pam looked. "Sorry," he sighed, "I mean, I guess I tried with the mix tape and the dove and stuff. And then I realised how I was just falling into the same trap again as before I left and I couldn't do it anymore. And then it hit me. I was trying to win you over, again, except this time I had a girlfriend and that made me an even bigger asshole," he said with a bitter laugh.

"You're not an asshole," Pam said softly, trying to convey that she really believed that with her eyes.

Jim just scoffed again. "I made that tape while Karen was out Christmas shopping, and hid it in my work bag so she wouldn't see it. But it wasn't until I gave it to you and you looked so shocked, that I really realised what I was doing. So the next day I broke up with her, which is why we called in sick as we just argued all day. And I just couldn't face her the next day." 

"But why didn't you reply to my message about the prank until last night?" 

"My head was all over the place, I just needed some space from everyone. I guess that's why I pulled that prank, just something to stop all the thinking," he said, looking down into the remnants of the hot cocoa at the bottom of his mug. He looked back up to Pam. "I guess I should probably go. Sorry I unloaded all of that on you, I really didn't mean to. I just wanted to," he sighed, "I'm not even sure what I wanted. I'm sorry I've dragged your Christmas down." 

Pam looked down at the counter, not entirely sure what to say, when suddenly she walked out of the kitchen. "Pam," Jim shouted down her hallway, but she didn't stop. Instead, she shoved her feet into a pair of her shoes, grabbed her coat and opened the front door. "Pam!" he shouted again, running down the hallway after her. He peered outside the front door that she'd left open but the snow was still so thick he couldn't really see her. He grabbed his shoes and was hopping around trying to get one on, when suddenly the door slammed shut and Pam was thrusting something into his face.

"Here," she said, covered in snow, holding out the letter to Santa that she'd written the previous evening.

Jim put his shoe down and took the envelope, eyebrows furrowing at the fact it was addressed to Santa. He slipped his finger under the white triangle, ripping the paper and then pulled the letter out. His eyes darted across the page as he took in Pam's cursive writing. She stood there chewing on her thumb nail as Jim just continued to stare at her letter to Santa. Finally, after what seemed like hours to Pam, he looked at her. "I'm really sorry Pam," he said softly, "I don't think Santa can give you what you want for Christmas."  

Pam looked like she was about to cry. "Oh, ok." She tried to take the letter back from Jim but he pulled his hand back.

"I mean, I can't love you again, because I never stopped," he said with a lopsided smile.

Pam immediately lunged at Jim, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him down so she could kiss him. Her cold lips met his warm ones and she knew she was home. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her tight against him, not caring that she was wet from the snow. "I love you," she whispered against his lips. 

"You have no idea how much I love you," he replied as he pulled back slightly to look at her. He dropped his head to her shoulder, his face covered in her wet hair, and held her tighter as if he never wanted to let her go. 

Eventually, Pm tiptoed up to place a chaste kiss on Jim's lips. "Do you want to maybe stay here for a little bit? Or do you need to get back to your parents?"

"I'm pretty sure absolutely no one is going to miss me, there must be like thirty people in my parents house," he laughed as he pushed her damp hair behind her ear and then bent down to kiss her. "And plus, I bet you need some help finishing off that bucket list," he beamed at her. 

"Actually, I crossed the last thing off the list last night." 

"Oh yeah?" he asked, and Pam nodded. "Well that sucks," he laughed. "So did you end up finding a favourite Christmas song?" 

Pam nodded as she slipped her shoes off and took her coat off. "Come here," she said, holding her hand out to lead him into the living room. She walked over to her stereo and slipped the mix tape into the cassette player. She hit play for a second, before rewinding, causing the tape to let out a squeal. After a few seconds, she pressed play and finally the song started. She turned around and looked at Jim, standing in the middle of her living, with a huge smile on her face. She walked over to him as ‘A Long December' started playing around them. Jim took one of her hands in his, and snaked the other around her back to pull her close to him. She rested her cheek against his chest as they slowly began to sway to the music, staring at the Christmas tree. Jim was right, the two turtle doves definitely belonged together. As they listened to the lyrics, Jim kissed the top of her head. Pam smiled into his checkered shirt when she heard the line about this year being better than the last, and knew that it was absolutely going to be the best year she'd ever had.  

"So, is there a New Year's Eve bucket list?" he asked, peering down at her.

The new sequin dress and outrageously high heels sitting unworn in her closet flashed through Pam's mind, as well as about fifty things she'd love to do with Jim on New Year's Eve. "I'm sure we could make one just for us," she smiled up at him.