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She forgets
or so she claims the way he laughed
the way he cried and the way he leant over her desk
the way he leant into her and the way he always knows what she's thinking
he didn't misinterpret anything and when she grabs charcoal or paints or pencils she draws faceless people
because drawing him would be admitting and objects
with memories like cards on a table and terraces with flowers
and Cujino's napkins.
She's tired
so tired of the way things are going when she picks up the phone
and she recognises his voice as she hears him breathe and they fall back into what they had so quickly
she doesn't know what's happening but then they finish and she feels gratified
and she thinks maybe she still has a chance.She's stupid
so stupid to think that things would be okay as soon as he gets back
that maybe that phone call meant something and when they aren't she can't face it
and she starts building a wall again reflexively and she tries to make herself cheer up
but she can't so she gives up.
She's trying
so hard but it doesn't work when he avoids her
when he acts the part that she gave him: a friend and all he does is glance at her and prank her
she can handle the prank but the looks say nothing and it makes her smile for a little while
before she realises that's all she's going to get.
She can act
so well like she's her friend
because she genuinely likes her but she would be blind not to notice the way he looks at them
and she wants to ask him what he wants and can he make up his mind? and even when he finally accepts her present he doesn't seem as into it as he used to be
and she wonders if he's acting still.
She's close
so close to telling him things
that she's forgotten how to just be anymore let alone be around him but she doesn't and she tells him to move ahead
and tells her new friend he was being ridiculous and she smiles and smiles
and it hurts so she cries.
Sometimes she wonders
always she wonders what he's thinking
does he realise what she's thinking? and what he's doing
does he think of what she's doing? and what he's feeling
does he even care what she's feeling? and the questions
the possible answers twist her insides
and makes it harder to breathe.
She lies
it's so easy when he asks her about Dwight asking him why she was crying
like she's his responsibility and she tells him it's part of the next CIA assignment
although now she has to think up of something for that and he accepts it so quickly
that it hurts that he can't see through her lie but before he leaves that evening he asks her to tell him if anything was wrong
it's easy to lie again and she nods
as she wonders if he's choosing not to see through the lie.
She doesn't
she doesn't she
doesn't want to show anything
anything of what she thinks
and knows and does
and feels but something slips and all that she avoids showing ends up being shown and he notices
because how would he not? and she runs away
because she always does.
She feels bad
when she's relieved when her newest friend confides that she'll be the next one to go because of some
relationship problems so she tells herself
promises herself to tell her what she wants to
what she needs to and tells
her to keep in touch
and ignores him glancing at her before he grabs his coat and leaves.
She tells her
everything everything from start to finish
from side to side on the phone two weeks
after she moves to New York and she in turn tells her to do it
just do it before she breaks
before she does something she shouldn't be doing and before he feels like he hasn't got a chance
just like before.
She thinks
a lot about the things she says
her lies and how much they defer from what she thinks
the truth and how she
both of them can say one thing and look at the other
in the eye and show a different meaning
entirely: you can tell me anything to can't to we're friends but the strange part of it is that it makes sense
because that's who they are because it's just like them
silences.
She hates the parking lot
it has an element of danger because she's already ridiculously bad with words but something about the parking lot
dark and quiet and strangely intimate makes her stumble and grasp and ramble
when she's trying to find the voice to be heard and she just messes everything up and it frustrates her
but she wants to do things differently this time.
She gathers courage
she steps closer and she disregards all the signs
and decides to just be and she tells him
and confesses to him how it takes two to tango
and she's not the only one who made the mistakes but she didn't mean to do what she did
she didn't want to break his heart but what had he expected from her
from Boring Old Almost-Anderson Beesly?
She's broken the ice
the silence and
She waits.