Saturday, March 25, 1995

Wow. 16..that must mean I’m REALLY old now. Right? I can’t believe I made it here. I remember going to all those day camps at the rec center when I was 10 and all the camp counselors being 16 and driving. I remember thinking, “Wow, Pam...one day you’ll be as fabulous as they are. You’ll be just as cool as they are with their big hair and cool cars and all the boys around”. Well, now I’m 16 and none of that is true. I don’t have any of that. Well, besides that big hair, but it’s not the trendy kind, just the genetic, generic kind that has a brain of its own. 

Anyway, the way that I thought 16 would feel is just not entirely like this? I mean, I did go and get my license this morning so now I have a tiny bit of freedom. Although mom and dad already said I have to drive Penny to school now and that I need to get a job. So with great power comes great responsibility I guess? I also thought being 16 would mean I would feel like an adult, but I really just feel like a big kid. I bet I’ll feel like an adult when I’m 18 and I’m legally an adult...surely once you’re legally an adult, you feel like it, right? I’ll have to report back on this, I don’t know anyone who’s over the age of 18 to confirm with (besides my parents and grandparents, but that’s another story).

I had thought about having a sweet 16, but I then decided against that. I don’t have many people that I would want to invite over and it just seems like such a small thing to make a huge deal over. It’s just another day and then we move on. We’re just going to have a nice dinner (mom’s making spaghetti and a chocolate cake) then play some games as a family. A very relaxing night in. Isabel might come over too, but she’s still trying to convince her mom (she got caught sneaking out to see a boy the other night and has been grounded since then). I can’t even imagine doing something like that. Then again, no boys are ever interested in me. Maybe that’s what I’ll wish for when I blow out my candles! A nice boy who will fall in love with me and then we’ll get married and have 4 kids...wait no...maybe just 2….unsure about that...Wait, will my wish still come true if I write it down? That’s not a problem is it? It’s only a problem and doesn’t come true if you say it I think...I hope…. Did I just doom myself forever?

Ugh. I am a messsssssssssssss.

In other news, mixed media class has been going so great! I created this abstract piece and yeah that’s pretty much all I can say about it besides it’s super cool. It’s a “have to see in person” kind of work. When I left class the other day I saw this boy from the football team staring at me. It was super weird… I must have had paint on my face. Seems pretty like me for that to happen. He looked away when I looked at him. He was kind of cute looking...Ugh Pam snap out of it. There are so many other important things out there going on than boys. Sometimes I’m just so boy crazy, but then I remember this is high school and none of it matters anyway.

I just want to go live my life in a lively city like New York City or Brooklyn… Wait, that’s the same. I should pay more attention… Now I’m embarrassed that this in writing forever. Why did I write in ink? Oh, right so my future children could see this (aka see how bad a geography I am). 

Mom and dad keep saying I need to start looking at colleges. I don’t know if they’ve realized that I’m not the traditional college student type. I want to go to art school, be an artist or be a graphic designer! I just heard about that career on career day in art class and that sounds so fun. Can you imagine creating images ON COMPUTERS that aren’t just hand drawn??? THE FUTURE IS HERE PEOPLE!

Andddd with that, I have to go. Mom and Dad say it’s time for dinner and it would be bad if I missed my own mini party. Happy birthday to me, may all my dreams come true (I hope, I’m wishing for them when I blow out the candles and praying writing it down doesn’t negate them…)

Saturday, June 10, 1995

I swear Penny is driving me up the wall. She always wants me to drive her places. Uh, hello, I have a life….okay so maybe not a social life, but I have things to do...like work and….things. Okay so maybe not that much really, but still driving around my sister and her friends to the mall sucks. I’m a tiny bit jealous, but I’m a lot more annoyed.

Anyway, I entered an art contest at city hall. The theme is “a blast from the past”. I painted this intricate interpretation of how I think the Beatles first performance would have looked like. It was new territory for me, that’s for sure. It just seemed like something that would be unique and different. It took me a few weeks to paint it. Mom and dad are certain I’ll win. Penny is being bratty and said it looked horrible. Well, she’s grounded now and I get my little time back to myself and don’t have to drive her around for awhile! HA! Okay, so I do feel kind of bad for her, but she started it…

School has been out for a week and I kind of feel like I’m going a tad stir crazy already. I got a job at city hall actually working in their parks and rec division as a summer artist intern. So cool, right?! I get to come up with new logos and things for different areas. They also have me working on sketching out a mural idea for the history of Pennsylvania. Seems like a big task, but I’m up for it. The kid from last summer stopped working on it half way through and would always skip work to go to the arcade. At least that’s what they said. It’s fun though. There’s a cute guy who works there too. I think his name is James? He’s from Scranton though I think? He doesn’t even notice me, but that might be because we’re in different departments. From what I can see when I walk by their office, he does a lot of paperwork. Sounds boring. I like my artist ways MUCH more.

It’s so crazy that I’ll be a junior next year! Finally an upperclassman and finally on top of the worlddddddd. Well, not entirely, I have another year before that happens. But, in the meantime I have to do summer reading, summer math packets, summer blah blah blah I’m already bored. Why do I have to read 5 books for American Lit class over the summer? They’re classics yes, but they’re so dry and difficult to get through. I just wish we could pick 5 of our own books. There’s this history of Jackson Pollock book out and his abstract work is so interesting. What is going through the mind of someone who paints like that?? I need to know. Looks like I’m going to read 6 books this summer. I might just go drive to the library and knock them out there. Out of Penny’s way so she doesn’t keep pestering me 24/7 to take her places. This must be how mom and dad felt about me up until March. I’ll have to remember to apologize.

So, remember when I wrote about wishing for a nice boy?? Pretty sure I doomed myself by putting it in here instead of just waiting for it to happen like a normal person. I guess that’s fine. I’ll just live with the consequences of being alone forever. That doesn’t sound so dramatic does it? I mean live on my own, do my own thing….be alone….okay this future sounds like the opposite of what I want.

I should probably get going soon. It’s almost midnight and I have to wake up for church tomorrow at 7. I don’t want to fall asleep again. I thought mom was going to end me the last time I fell asleep in church. Can’t be grounded along with Penny!

So tomorrow’s agenda….church, nap, lunch, nap, maybe read a chapter from this summer reading I have (ha), dinner, sleep….sounds like the best way to spend my Sunday. I’ll write soon (although we’ll see what soon ends up being since it had been so long since I wrote last time-oops).

So James has talked to me everyday during lunch and breaks this last week. He’s actually pretty great! I will admit I was a tad creeped out on Monday at his seemingly random gesture, but now I get him more as a person so I feel less weird about it.

I’m trying not to allow myself to get a crush on him. Otherwise I’ll just be crushed at the end of the summer (get it...crush[ed])??? Haha I’m so funny sometimes! (Wow, I hope no one ever reads this). He goes to Scranton High and I go to Valley View so it just doesn’t make any sense. I would never get to see him anyway. He plays basketball, is VP of National Honor Society and takes all the really hard classes. This includes business classes  which, who does that in high school? I mean, I take art classes, so I guess it’s similar for how we each see our career paths going. Anyway, he jokes a lot and he’s always playing pranks on one of his coworkers. It’s pretty funny. They’re harmless jokes anyway. Anything to get through the day I suppose!

It’s been pretty nice to be around him. He’s a lot more outgoing than I am so that’s really been helping me meet other people at work. It’s nice to talk to other people my age and have them actually care what I’m saying. When I’m at school, I have my art friends who only care what I have to say if it’s in regard to a new piece we might be working on or I have Isabel. It would be nice to grow my friend circle a bit more. Oh goodness, now I sound like mom when she checks in with me to see if I’ve made any new friends lately. She just can’t seem to understand I’m a quiet person and people just aren’t attracted to quieter people.

I like to think that James would be attracted to me. I guess it’s more like a boy would be attracted to me, but I think he’s really cute and he pays a lot of attention to me and…

…

Oh no, have I officially become one of those girls who cares what a boy thinks about? This cannot be what my diary looks like. When I’m 50, am I really going to want to read all about a boy that I’ll never remember? Probably not. Okay, so subject change. I finished the Jackson Pollock book. So, yeah it’s now onto Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde which just sounds odd. I mean, double personality? Come on now. If I put it off much longer I’ll be mad at myself in 6 weeks when school starts back up again. 

Ugh, well….oh, I forgot to mention, I heard from city hall about my “blast from the past” art entry. Turns out I’m disqualified because I work for city hall. I’m really bummed out about that. I was excited to showcase some work. My boss, Mandy, said that I probably would have won had I not been employed here. So that totally bites. At least the rest of the job is okay. My sketch for the mural is coming along pretty well. I’m almost finished with it and I’m definitely ready to start painting in the next couple of weeks! James saw my sketch and his jaw LITERALLY dropped. I remember blushing pretty hard at the look of shock on his face. He called me “Beesly” when he finally said something which definitely made me blush harder. We’ve known each other, what, a week and he already has a nickname for me? The last time someone gave me a nickname was my 3rd grade teacher when she came up with fun nicknames for the entire class. I guess if you  consider “Pam” a nickname then people always call me by a nickname, but I don’t count it!

Wait, I said I wasn’t going to talk (well, I guess write) about James anymore. I need to have substance in this diary! 

Anyway, I have to get going, it’s almost time for dinner and mom needs help setting the dinner table. Ugh, can’t wait to move out and not have to deal with stupid chores ever again!

Okay, so I’m actually the worst at updates. I really meant to be pretty regular with them, but you know I had all the summer reading, the summer packets, and the job! The summer just flew by and now I have to do a quick recap so here it goes…

Nothing ended up happening with James, romantically at least. We did become really great friends though over the summer. There was a small group of high school interns and we all got pretty close! I’ve never had a friend group like this before so that’s really exciting!  James and I really bonded over coming up with new pranks to play and talking about our favorite movies. Mine is Sleepless in Seattle and his was Uncle Buck. He came over on the 4th of July and we watched both our favorites together then went out with the group of friends to go see fireworks. It was a really fun time and made me realize how lucky I was to have gotten this job. I’ll have to thank mom and dad for making me get one!

While the friend aspect of the job went well, the rest really didn’t. My boss didn’t end up liking my mural idea. She said it was “uninspired”. My friends disagreed. It made me really sad and made me wonder if I was making the right decision pursuing art. I got really down on myself and decided to try something new  in my junior year classes...instead of art I’m now taking a creative writing class. Maybe being a writer is the better move? Maybe I’ll be an English teacher? Maybe I’ll just fail….I don’t know anymore. I’m really sad, but I put the art supplies away on the top shelf in my closet. The night that I came home from my boss telling me she hated my work I cried myself to sleep. Here I’ve been working my entire life towards this goal that no one else likes. 

Okay, maybe I’m being dramatic. She liked my contest idea from earlier in the summer...or wait maybe she was just being nice to me since she knew I couldn’t win? That’s probably more likely. Why would anyone think I can do anything well anyway… I’m just Pam Beesly. Plain Pam. PP. Remember when Marsha would call me that in the 4th grade...PP… Marsha was mean...but ooh speaking of her, she got expelled last year for smoking in the parking lot. So who’s the real winner now MARSHA??? Probably not me, but at least it isn’t you!

Anyway, I don’t want to think about my shortcomings anymore. I’m sure the few friends I had in art class will remind me of it and my poor writing skills will be a reminder to my grades.

On another note, I definitely procrastinated with my summer reading and math packets. School starts again next Monday so I have a week to get my life together. My job ended on Friday so that’s out of the picture. I have my new group of friends phone numbers and we agreed to try hang out every few weeks. So at least I’ll still see them. James has pre-season basketball practice a lot this Fall, is running for president of National Honor Society, and apparently is a freshman mentor? Valley View doesn’t have freshman mentors so I don’t know what goes into all that. All I’m trying to say is that I finally made a really good friend and he’ll never be free. So that’s sad, but maybe he’ll get a bit of free time now and then. Oh wow, I started this paragraph talking about my summer reading and math packets...back to that….I procrastinated this summer and only got a chapter into Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde...meaning I have to read all 5 of my books this week and do 10 pages of advanced algebra summer homework. I really messed myself up here.

So yay for me! My life sucks. No art class because I suck at art, 5 books I don’t care about, and math problems that are about to consume my life. Woohoo.

Wow, the last few days have been interesting...After nothing happened this entire summer, James asked me on a date out of nowhere?!???!?!? He asked me to go bowling...just the two of us tomorrow. He said, “It seemed like a great way to jump start the new year”. IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING????? This is my first date ever and I don’t know what to wear, what to say, or how to act honestly. I mean, it’s just James. This is just a first date, this is nothing else. Just need to focus on that and don’t get too ahead of myself here. 

The more I think about it, the signs were really there this summer, he would buy me my favorite soda, complimented me on my (lame) art, and would always sit next to me when the interns would all hang out. I can’t believe I didn’t see it. I mean I saw it, I just didn’t connect it ya know? AHHHHHHHH! 

He is so cute and put together and nice and wow I am not cute or put together. 

I also don’t bowl worth a heck so this will be super embarrassing.

OH ALSO, how lame am I? When he asked me on the date, I thought he meant as a group thing like all us friends and didn’t catch on. He responded, “ uhhhh, no, just us” and sounded kind of disappointed. Have I already ruined my first date before it started? UGH that would be just like me.

He is supposed to call me tonight, but hopefully I can beat mom and dad to the phone first or ugh, Penny. That would be mortifying if she answered. Really, if any of them answered.

Okay, I need to talk about some other stuff (or write I guess) to stop working myself up about this. I finished the math packet and had the genius idea of picking up CliffsNotes for my books so that made it much easier. At least I’ll have the general idea down before Monday. I feel significantly less stressed than before and can focus on figuring out my future better than before aka no more art! 

Ugh I am massively ready to get the heck out of high school. I just want to live my life and travel the world and not care about school, my parents answering my phone calls an embara….wait I think James is calling….gotta go!!!!!!!

Okay, so I’m writing in here to document just exactly how this first first date prep is going! Gotta write it down for the grandkids! Wow, I kind of need to take a chill pill. AHHHH, but I’m so excited! Always Be My Baby from Mariah Carey came on the radio earlier and it’s so much better to sing a love song when you well, like someone I guess. I mean yeah part of the song is talking about where they might not be together anymore, but the rest of it was sweet! So I was dancing to that, really getting my Grease on, and Penny walked in and is now making fun of me. 

So, yes, now my first first date prep includes my little sister making fun of me. But, she can’t bring me down because I’M GOING ON A DATE! 

I FORGOT TO MENTION, all went well when James called yesterday, no one answered the phone (thank goodness). Thankfully, I was able to enjoy the phone call in peace, in my locked room (looking at you Penny).

James is so easy to talk to, we were on the phone for so long that now I’m a bit worried we won’t have anything to talk about tonight. We chatted about everything it felt like. I told him about having to use CliffsNotes to supplement my accidental procrastination. He seemed to have really gotten a kick out of that. He told me more about his high school basketball team and his time in the National Honor Society. He kind of makes me want to do more in school. Is it possible to meet someone, not know them that long, and feel like they complete you? Is that weird? We haven’t even been on a first date yet and here I am really getting ahead of myself.

Slight subject change, I tried doing a bit more makeup than normal, but I stabbed myself in the eye with the eyeliner so I had to redo everything. Why do women subject themselves to this? It’s just painful. So I now just have some mascara and simple pink eyeshadow. I really dressed myself up in a jean skirt and that green short sleeved shirt with white embroidered flowers mom bought me for Christmas. I’ve never liked the way it looked on me, but James has green-ish eyes so maybe he’ll like it on me more...I’m so nervous. What if after all this he decides I’m frumpy or boring….or both… I tried doing my hair a bit more and I failed at that too, so there’s that. 

It’s almost 6 and he’s supposed to pick me up then...

PAM. YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU ARE PRETTY AND SMART AND HAPPY AND NICE. GO GET ‘EM.

Gotta make myself feel more confident than I currently do! Going to go wait down stairs for James. I’ll update later!

__________________________________________________________________________

I’m back and I’m undecided about how this first date went. I honestly don’t think he’ll ask me for a second date after tonight. Horrendous, embarrassing, and some nice times were had, but wow I can no longer show my face again in public. 

Marsha and Cindy’s stupid posse were at the bowling alley and saw us bowling. They came over acting all sweet in front of James AS IF they aren’t just Alicia Silverstone wannabes in their stupid plaid ensembles and stupid flippy, perfect hair. James was super nice back to them (obviously because he isn’t a mean person and he doesn’t know them). They totally hijacked our date and ignored me the entire time as if I wasn’t even there. Thankfully, James kept sitting next to me and politely kept trying to talk to me and he seemed to be getting fed up with their BS because he asked them to leave us alone because we were on a date. To which they LOVED because it just meant they could tease me more. 

They asked how long we had known each other and then proceeded to tell them all about the “PP” nickname and ever so subtly questioned my style even right there. I am not that plain. Just because I don’t flaunt around trying to get every person’s attention ever, doesn’t mean anything is wrong with me. Right?

James was really nice about it all. Once they finally left us alone he asked me if I wanted to get out of there. I could barely hold my tears back as I told him yes.

When we finally got to his car I just broke down. I was crying so hard. These girls have seriously made my life so horrible since we were kids. Then I finally have something good and now they try to turn it badly. James said it was probably because they were jealous of how pretty I was. Which, you know, made me cry harder. I guess it’s a good think the eyeliner didn’t work out because the mascara sure got messed up (which I only saw AFTER he dropped me off so yay for me). James took us to get ice cream which made me feel a bit better. Sometimes you just need something sweet after your night goes down the drain. He did seem genuinely interested in the back story of how horrible they were to me and pretty upset that they treated me like this.

After awhile I got a bit self-conscious because this is a first date and I’m telling him my life story complete with baggage and I got really embarrassed. I apologized to him and he was so kind and told me he loved hearing about it and it gave him a better idea of who I was as a person so that made me feel a lot better. 

So overall, I’d say the date itself ranked a 6/10 due to no ones fault accept stupid Marsha and Cindy and crew. 

He didn’t kiss me goodnight either. He just hugged me and said he hoped to see me soon. He didn’t even mention the green shirt…. So I’m throwing it out….I never liked it anyway.

None of this gives me any insight into whether a second date is even in the future cards.

Oh no. 

I ruined my first first date.

Changing my ranking to 1/10. With 1 point given to James for even seeing something worthy in the mess that is me. Ugh.

I’m feeling a bit better about this whole first first date gone wrong thing… I woke up yesterday morning with a raging headache (probably from crying myself to sleep). When I got home Friday night, I went up to my room without talking to anyone so the rents definitely knew something was up. They were both upset with James thinking he tried something with me and that I was mad about it. Once I sat down and talked with them yesterday they ended up being MORE impressed with him and no longer upset, but feeling really sorry for me with the stupid girl drama.

Mom went into details about how she experienced similar things...etc etc. Dad confirmed the stories. Penny just rolled her eyes and tried to change the subject to make it all about her per the usual.

Mom must have felt really bad because she took me out shopping to get new clothes at The Gap and get our nails done so I could “be a more confident Junior” come Monday.

Ugh that reminds me,I need to finish up my “reading”.

HOWEVER, on a much happier note, James called me last night to see how I was doing and wants to take me out for ice cream again later this afternoon! I seriously can’t believe it. I feel much freer and I’m a bit shocked that he still wants to see me. When he called me, he sounded so happy and bubbly. He really is an optimist. Definitely something I can use right now, that’s for sure. 

He told me how much he enjoyed our date and getting to know me better as an individual. He sounded so formal which was funny! Maybe it was the nerves? He mentioned that he wasn’t sure if I would actually want to go on another date since “ours was so bad”. I reassured him that it wasn’t bad because of him and that I enjoyed all our time together. He had kind of laughed awkwardly and seemed a bit shy so there was a lot to unpack there.

I’m really happy that he seems interested in me still. I was really worried about it, but thankfully all seems a bit better. He’s here now, so I’m going to go and I’ll debrief when I get back!

____________________________________________________________________________

YAY! So much better than the first date!!!!!!!! He picked me up in his dad’s car which was super fun to ride in! It was pretty new. I’m surprised his parents trust him with it...we know mine wouldn’t! 

But anyway, we went and grabbed some ice cream and then went to the park. We sat under this big tree and honestly, it was so perfect. For August, the weather is really nice today so there was that, the birds were chirping, there was a slight breeze. The conversation was flowing so well. He asked me about my art again and I told him I had given up on that path a bit. He was so confused! I explained further and now he’s trying to convince me to change my schedule. I think it might be a bit late for that, but I don’t know...maybe? I’ll have to see how I feel after this semester and maybe I’ll try art classes again next semester.

I learned so much more about him though! 

• He has siblings

• Loves running (who loves that??)

• Enjoys long walks along the lake (haha so cheesy)

• Really didn’t enjoy his internship (he could have fooled me, he definitely is professional - I would have never guessed!)

• His favorite food is soft shell crab

• If he could travel anywhere, it would be Sydney, Australia

• He wants a big family when he’s older (also, what 16 year old boy actually thinks these things?)

• Wants to be a sports writer

• Wants to go to UPenn for college

Some other things I learned that he didn’t tell me

• He is a cautious driver

• Opens car door for me

• Smiles when he’s nervous

• Looks down when he’s nervous

• Gets a very serious look on his face when he’s about to do something crazy

• IS A REALLY GOOD KISSER

AHHHHHHHHH!

Okay so WOW WOW WOW I am so on CLOUD 9 RIGHT NOW. I can die happy now because JAMES KISSED ME AND IT WAS AMAZING.

I could cry and this would only be happy, amazing, perfect tears. I cannot even believe it. 

AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF, HE ASKED ME TO BE HIS GIRLFRIEND. G.I.R.L.F.R.I.E.N.D. 

I must be in Heaven.

The perfect boyfriend? The perfect way to end my summer? 

When he asked, he had just kissed me and was only a few inches away from me. He said, “Pam, I’ve liked you all summer. You are unlike any other person I’ve met. Would you be my girlfriend”? Or at least it was something close to that, I kind of blacked out in the moment because I couldn’t believe this was happening!

Obviously I couldn’t contain my excitement and kissed him again! Of course I said yes!

Marsha and Cindy and their stupid group don’t have anything on us. Tomorrow is gonna rock!

Today was easily the weirdest first day of school I’ve ever had. Let me start from the beginning... Marsha and Cindy’s group were all in my English class and they talked to me? I didn’t really understand why. They’ve always been mean to me. Was it because of James? I really don’t know. I’m pretty skeptical though so I think they were just messing with me. I didn’t give them too much information to work with so hopefully this will just die down and I can go back to being the quiet girl no one talks to. 

Thankfully, I have Isabel who is VERY interested in knowing what’s going on with James and I. I was able to go into more details during lunch period with her. OOOH SPEAKING OF LUNCH,  we’re allowed to go off campus now since we’re upperclassmen so we drove to McDonalds! FREEDOM from the crazy people around us was absolutely needed.

Anyway, Isabel might just be in love with James after I went into the details. She practically swooned every time I gave her something else to work with. I don’t blame her though, he’s basically perfect!

So back to the weird things. I mentioned a football player in here sometime last spring who I caught looking at me. Well his name is Roy, Roy Anderson. He was looking at me again! We have creative writing together. As if the whole idea of taking this class wasn’t already a joke, add this to it. He kind of smiled at me which was unexpected. Before class ended he actually came up to me and asked me what my name was. I blurted out, “Hi, Roy, I’m Pam” before I could even think of the ramifications of knowing his name before he actually introduced himself to me. Then he laughed at me. I’m still not sure if it was “hahaha you’re funny” or a “hahaha you’re weird” kind of laugh.

Marsha was also in the creative writing class and she was practically all over him the entire time and because he noticed me, she now hates me again. At least that is back to normal. I wish I had stayed in my art classes because he followed me to my locker after class and continued to talk with me. I wish James and I went to the same school so then this guy could just get a hint already. As if my attitude didn’t give him a hint.

Okay, so in my mind I had an attitude, but it probably wasn’t that obvious. Why am I so dang shy and quiet?!

Ugh.

To top off all this wonderfulness, I forgot my math packet at home and got an automatic zero. So that’s how we’re starting off this semester.

I called James earlier and he wasn’t home. His mom said he was out playing basketball. 

So, happy first day of school. I need to go because it’s almost 11 and I need to be up in 6 hours. 

I miss summer.

This blows.

Do you ever just feel like you might not be good enough for someone? I guess before I go into that, I should apologize to myself? Maybe? I’ve been trying to make a better effort of actually journaling and based on the nearly two weeks separation of entries, I’m clearly doing well with that. Ugh. 

It’s basically been two weeks since James and I started dating and I just don’t feel like I’m right for him. It doesn’t help that we don’t get to see each other that often….I mean we really haven’t even spoken to each other too much either. I wish there was some way we could just always been within reach of each other. Like send the person a quick snippet of a message and then that person could respond, but you didn’t always have to physically be talking to someone? That would make this so much easier. Then we wouldn’t have to always wait on our parents to be off the phone or our dumb siblings hogging it.

Aside from the lack of communication, he just has all this drive and knows what he wants. I most certainly DO NOT know what I want or anything of the sort. I mean, I thought I did, but then you know….this summer happened. I’m kind of enjoying the creative writing class I’m in, but I just don’t feel like it’s my calling.

With art, I felt like it was my calling. I felt freer than a bird on a spring morning. I felt invincible, alive, and well. Now I just feel like I’m dying. Maybe rather that my childhood is dead. I no longer feel like the world is inherently good. To me it now just feels like I have to do what’s required of me until another calling happens. Will it ever happen? What am I supposed to do? Dear God, it’s me, Pam. Wait, that's not right...Are you there God? It’s me, Pam. I feel like Margaret and I would have been friends. She’s just as confused as I am right now. I’m lost, confused, and I want to know if I have a boyfriend or not, dangit!

Okay, so a bit of a tangit, but James knows what he wants. I just don’t. I feel like we might not be as compatible as I had thought. Am I wrong? I don’t feel like I am. I mean the last time we talked, he seemed a bit distant, but I might have read into that wrong. I really hope I didn’t. I mean, we just started dating and we haven’t actually gone on another date since our redo.

Oh my goodness, what if he doesn’t like me anymore???? He’s so great, but I just feel so...well, I don’t know...not, wonderful? I should be feeling wonderful. I should be head over heels thinking I’m in love with him. That’s what always happens to the girls in the movies. Hold on I have to go for a bit, I’ll be back.

____________________________________________________________________________

So Isabel says I’m being ridiculous. She’s not wrong. I was definitely talking (erm, writing), in circles earlier. However, I still stand by what I said. My point is, I, Pam, am not good enough for James. Simple as that. James is so far out of my league that it’s actually funny that I think someone as dorky as me would have a chance with him and it actually works out. Clearly he hasn’t called because he’s come to his senses. I should just break it off with him now. Save him the trouble of having to do it. Yeah. I’m calling him now. 

____________________________________________________________________________

Okay, so I really am stupid. He got grounded. He’s been grounded for awhile. That’s why he hasn’t called me back. Okay so I feel better about this for sure. His mom told me that he would call me back when he was done being grounded. She didn’t say when that would be or what he was grounded for. So that kind of stinks. I wish I had a better idea so I could I don’t know, PLAN MY LIFE Ugh how frustrating is this?! So Isabel was right and I’m just really really really dumb. I shouldn’t be dating based on my maturity level. Wow.

On that note, I should write about some other things that aren’t so boy-ish. As I mentioned for the approximately negative people who will ever read this, my creative writing course is fine. Roy has been talking to me lately and moved his seat next to mine. It’s so odd. Did I just get hot all of a sudden? Why are people taking notice of me more?

Roy keeps asking me to go on a date with him and being really pushy. Every time he asks I tell him that I have a boyfriend, but that doesn’t seem to get through his thick skull. I’ll admit though, it’s nice to get the attention from someone… I’ve learned a lot about him actually. He plays football (which I already knew actually), but he wants to go play for a college. Although he doesn’t know where yet. He also doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life. He has an annoying younger sibling too and is only taking creative writing to boost his GPA. I feel like we might be kindred spirits, going through all that we both are right now. We’re practically living the same life.

Roy did invite me to hang out with his friend group after the football game next week. If James is ungrounded by then I think I might invite him. Maybe we’ll have our own little friend group. If not, at least I have some new friends maybe.

Aside from all this junk, I’m also trying to find a part time job. Doing what, not sure, but if you know anyone looking, let me know (have a laugh, future Pam). I just know mom and dad said they aren’t paying for my insurance in a few months and I need to save up. It will be good though, I can save up for other things. Maybe I’ll go on a spring break trip with all my friends I might make. That would be fun! Although, mom and dad might not let me actually go anyway. Well, I’ll cross that bridge if I ever reach it. Until then, I’ll just bask in this beautiful, nearing Fall, weather that we’re getting. I can’t believe how nice it is for the end of August. I wish it was like this all the time and we could just avoid the snow!

Anyway, mom is calling for me so I guess it’s time for me to go. Bye Pam! Bye Pam? Is it weird to say bye to yourself in a journal only you’ll read? Not sure, but it’s mine and I make the rules! 

Okay, apologizing to my future self who has to deal with the jumping into the future so far everything I write. There has been so much going on. While I know writing it in here would PROBABLY help me process it (according to Penny who likes to randomly be wise(?)), I just can’t do everything I want, plus school, plus my part time job, plus whatever it is that is my relationship? Is there one? So confused. So tired of it.

Before I get into James and stuff….

I found a part time job at an office down the street doing receptionist work after school. It’s incredibly mind-numbing and I’d rather pull my hair out than listen to my obnoxious boss ask me to get him coffee in different, stupid, mostly insulting, voices each time. BUT, I’m not in for the job experience, I’m just in for the money so my stupid car can drive Penny to stupid school and I can buy stupid groceries when mom or dad asks. UGH. I’m clearly not in the right mindset to be writing, but if it helps then WHATEVER.

The job is super lame, but the people I work with make the few hours I’m there a day suck less (aside from my boss, whose name is Michael by the way. I’m pretty sure he endured some crazy trauma as a child and now acts that way to cover it up-my guess anyway). I just file away papers and answer some calls. Like I said, truly mind numbing. 

I’ve worked there for three weeks so far and I’m already counting down the days until I can quit. Is this what being an adult is like? Is this why adults are so cranky? This would make so much more sense as to why mom and dad are always mad when Penny and I come home from school and watch TV instead of washing the dishes. However, I have a complaint about this now. I have school AND a job, yet I’m still expected to do my same amount of chores. Why is that? My day has been equally difficult to get through. I have unnecessary boy drama (that I didn’t even ask for...wait I guess I did...for my birthday 6 months ago. Be careful what you wish for future Pam)!

What’s worse is that ROY works there too. He works in the warehouse and thankfully we don’t interact that much, but when he sees me, he always wants to talk. I have a boyfriend. I don’t want to talk. I mean, James wasn’t able to come out with us a few weeks ago so I did get to spend some time with Roy and his friends. They were really rowdy. I wasn’t a big fan, but it felt nice to be a part of a group for once. They convinced me to try alcohol for the first time. I wish I hadn’t because now I just feel really guilty for some reason. I didn’t hate it, but Roy thought it was so funny and in his much more tipsy state than I, kept calling me Pammy. I didn’t like that either, but didn’t tell him not to call me that. Now our whole office and creative writing class has started calling me Pammy. Marsha and her posse stretching it out as if mocking me and asking me to challenge them “PAAAAAA-MMMMMMMIE” is what I swear Marsha practically screeched at me on last Friday with her stupid fake smile and stupid everything.

UGH I HATE HIGH SCHOOL. I HATE THIS CREATIVE WRITING CLASS AND I HATE WORKING. I just want to go back to being a kid with zero responsibilities, painting when I wanted to (but even that has been ruined for me), and being invisible. I wish I had never made my birthday wish about finding a boy who would like me. I should have made it “become more introspective” or something lame like that.

My art friends want nothing to do with me anymore. They say I’ve become “different” since being around Roy and his friends. I don’t know how, I still don’t talk around them that much and the only difference is that I’m in creative writing and not painting classes. I still like to read, go see bad movies, and sit under the sun and watch the clouds. I don’t know why they don’t see that anymore. All they see is someone who has Roy’s stupid beefy arm around them and they usually turn around before they see me shrug it off. 

Which brings me to James. As if the whole no talking for awhile thing didn’t mess us up enough, it’s gotten back to him that I’m flirting with Roy. Which I’m most certainly not! I tried explaining to James that I don’t like Roy and that I tried to get them to all hang out a few weeks ago. That just angered James more. I don’t even know how he found out since WE GO TO DIFFERENT SCHOOLS. It just makes me really mad. He’s so great and we just can’t get it together it seems. 

Now that I have a job, he’s never free and when he is, I’m not. It’s just the vicious cycle. I feel like Roy and I would be better together. We clearly have more in common. I mean we work together. We go to the same school. He likes having me around his friends. I’ve never even met James’s friends. I mean, he did invite me to go to the movies with them, but I was working. Then I ended up staying later than I meant to. That wasn’t my fault though. Micheal is actually insane and wanted to learn more “Teen lingo” as he called it and needed my “immediate” help. It wasn’t immediate. It was a great waste of time.

Anyway, our Fall dance is this Friday and I called to ask James to go to it last night, but he was at pre-season conditioning for basketball (whatever that is) and Roy asked me if I wanted to go with their friend group to which I agreed. I’m thinking that might be a bad idea. I’ll try calling James to ask him again and maybe we can actually see each other? I don’t feel like I can just drive over to his house either, believe me, I’ve thought about that so many times. We haven’t been together that long really and the few times we’ve seen each other, other people have been around. How do you even have a relationship like that?

At least when I’m around Roy, I kind of feel like I matter. At least more than when I’m around James. It might be because Roy is more go with the flow and James has his whole life planned out. I don’t even know what I want to do with the rest of my life and I find it comforting that Roy doesn’t either. 

James is great, but he and I just don’t have the mindset. We’ll see how long this lasts.

Okay, I do feel a bit more relaxed after hashing out my feelings here, but at the same time sad for the clear impending doom of my relationship. I guess if we breakup it won’t be that uncomfortable seeing as the separation of different schools. I guess I’ll cross that bridge if and when we get to it. For now, I’m going to focus on trying to get ahold of him to even go to this dumb dance.

Figured I should give an update for the fans (hi, Future Pam, I hope you’re happier than you are right now). James and I met up last night for the first time in what feels like a long time and discussed our problems. Wow. Sooo fun. I told him I didn’t think what we had would work. He seemed really confused and hurt. I explained to him that after a lot of thought, he was too good for me, that I sucked, and he would probably be better off with a cheerleader or something. I told him that since we never saw each other or got to talk, it just started us off on the wrong foot. He didn’t really say anything after that, just kept staring down at the ground. I know that I’m anti-social, but come on. Since he didn’t say anything, he clearly didn’t think I was that great to begin with which just solidifies my original feelings.

After a bit, he just looked away from me and said, “ok”. OK?! I’m sorry, WHAT?! Clearly this was a good idea. He didn’t even try to explain his side which made it hurt even more. I really wanted to be wrong and have him like me the same way back. Now I’m just equally hurt and feel like I was right all along. I don’t deserve someone as great as him. 

I met him at a park nearby so thankfully I could just walk home from this disaster. Honestly, if we had just been able to meet or talk more, maybe this would have been able to actually go further. But without communication and him being too great and wanting to be successful at everything, we never saw each other and the whole point of being in a relationship is SEEING EACH OTHER.

So that happened yesterday and then tonight was the Fall Dance. I still went with Roy and his friends. They kept asking where “lover boy” was. I just laughed and shrugged it off. They brought in spiked drinks. I felt like a rebel trying them. I don’t know what was in it, but I do know that I had the best time ever. It really loosened me up and I didn’t feel so stuffy like I feel like I might usually come across. I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong. Roy and I danced and I felt so free. Things are just much easier with him than with Jim. Like I said, we have so much in common, same school, same future plans (aka up in the air), and we work together at the office. It just makes a lot of sense for us to be together. He can be funny too. He’s also not terrible to look at. 

Not that I want to care, but I wonder if he’ll ask me on a date soon? That would be so nice at least then I would know what it would be like to date someone at my school.  Hmmm….things to consider.

Everytime I end my previous journal entry, I think to myself, “Wow, Pam, you gotta do better next time and write more frequently” and then I pull this garbage. So future me, try not to take my lack of journal entries personally, I just suck so there’s that.

Life has been pretty bleh these last few months. I miss Jim. Not that it matters anymore, but before we broke up he wanted to start going by Jim. He had said he needed to practice his adult name before he went to college and went into the professional world. It was equal parts weird and funny and goofy and altogether why we wouldn’t have worked out. Again, who plans their future that much and thinks about things like that? Not me, ha! At this point I’ve realized creative writing is not my life calling and I started drawing sketches again. Isabel helped me realize I was being an idiot by not doing something I was talented at. I still don’t know if it’s my life’s calling, but maybe just an extreme hobby? So future wise all I know is Jim and I aren’t right for each other and I signed up for art classes next semester.

I wish Jim had called me and come after me when we broke up. He just proved what I already thought. It just hurt more knowing he realized it too. I saw him in the newspaper for getting the VP of National Honor Society position. I’m happy for him. He’s great and deserves someone at that same level.

I’ve been hanging out with Roy a lot more lately. We do have a lot in common, like I mentioned before. He totally makes fun of my doodles and obsession with art. It’s all in good fun. He says my doodles remind him of the “lame cartoons he watched as a kid that were a bit off” so I drew him as one and he wasn’t laughing anymore. I did though. We just joke around like that a lot. 

He’s asked me to hang out with him and his friends a lot and I do sometimes. It seems like they like to drink a lot. I’ve definitely tried more since I started spending time with them. It makes me feel like an adult and more separated from being around Penny all the time. They party a lot too which is definitely a different pace for me, but I’ve met so many people. Marsha and Cindy are even nicer to me now. It’s a weird feeling. Maybe I’m popular? More people say hi to me. That could be because I walk down the hallway with Roy a lot and he’s popular from playing football. Either way, this feeling is completely foreign to me and I kind of like it? 

Aside from that, Roy tried kissing me a few days ago. I just turned away and let him kiss my cheek. It wasn’t that bad of a kiss from what I could tell. He has some stubble growing in so that felt weird when it brushed my face. I might let him kiss me next time he tries. He’s so big and is really assertive. It’s a bit attractive and it’s nice to feel like someone could protect me if I needed it. He really shows this when he’s around his friends and they all wrestle each other. It’s really funny. He’s really good. I’m starting to think he’s pretty cute too.

I’m happy I haven’t accidentally run into Jim. How weird would that be? I usually try to make sure I look presentable when I go into public. Just in case. Isabel says that probably means I still like him. I mean she’s not wrong. But I made my bed and now I must lie in it. He’s way too good for me. That’s why I like Roy. We’re equal. We can relate to each other. That’s all there is to it. 

I’ll try and write again before Thanksgiving. HA!

So I reorganized my room and lost my journal in the process. There isn’t too terribly much to update future me on, but there are some things. I’ll start with the most important. I HAVE A BOYFRIEND! AH! Roy asked me to be his girlfriend last night at midnight. How romantic, right? It was really sweet! We were with all of his friends and had been drinking. He was a bit tipsy when he asked me, but he was so incredibly genuine and heartfelt. I sound like a sappy movie right now. I’m just on cloud 9. I really didn’t think I’d date anyone ever again after James...I mean Jim (ugh why change your name anyway, so dumb). I feel so happy. I have a group of friends to hang out with. I skipped school with them the other day. We went out to lunch and never came back AND DIDN’T GET CAUGHT. It was such a rush.

 Anyway, I have a group of friends, a boyfriend, and I’m starting my art classes up again! Roy said I ditch them to take the health class requirement with him. He suggested we “might need it”. I didn’t really understand what he meant by that, but I’ll take it next year since it’s a requirement to graduate anyway. I just don’t want to lose sight of my art ever again. How devastating would that be?

My job at the office has been steady. Roy is always there so we eat a snack together during our break. He’s made some friends down there and they’re trying to convince him to drop out and work full time down there with them. I don’t know, but he might be considering it? I know he wants to play football in college, so it doesn’t make much sense. Especially because he’s being scouted by some pretty big schools! Let me see if I can remember them...The College of Idaho, Hiram College (Ohio), and Wilkes University which isn’t too far from here! I know his big concern is cost, which makes sense. If he gets a football scholarship, that’ll pay for part of it, but he should really try harder in some of his classes. I mean, creative writing? I didn’t enjoy it, but I did pass it. If he wants to go to college for sports, he should take it more seriously.

Ugh. I’m sorry, mom and dad keep annoying me with college so I’ve been thinking about it more. If Roy and I are still together a year from now, I’ll probably just consider where he’s going. That would be the easiest and then we can avoid the whole long distance junk. I guess if he goes out of state I can’t really follow him though, we don’t have that kind of money either. But I’ve thought about getting a degree in art. My parents think that’s ridiculous and said I should “supplement it with something that’ll make me money...like business”. Which I mean, I guess they’re right? It’s not what I want though and this is my life, not theirs. So I don’t have to listen to them anyway. I can’t wait until I’m 18. Only a year and 2ish months left until I don’t have to listen to their rules anymore! My first step with that is telling them I’m not driving Penny anymore. It’s really the biggest annoyance ever. She always wants to play music I don’t like on the radio, always begs me to take her places, always asks for money - which I don’t even have myself! She is such a burden on me sometimes. 

On the other hand, I do have a lot of time on my hands since Roy is always out with his guy friends. I only hang out when the girlfriends are there, which seems to be somewhat less so now that football season is over. Okay, when I said earlier that I have a friend group? Let me clarify, we don’t see each other all the time. Usually just at lunch in the cafeteria. It’s still nice though!!

I hope my parents never read this because I’m totally screwed if they do. I’m hiding it right now. Until next time future Pam. (PS, hopefully this thing with Roy works out because we’re such a great match)!!

Roy is so fun to be around. He makes me feel so alive! He’s so great at convincing me to do things out of my comfort zone. We skipped work the other day and went bowling with the group. It was equal parts exciting and terrifying. I need the job, but hello, I’m 16, I need a social life too! At least Roy thinks so. He doesn’t really like my friends from art class who are talking to me again now that I’m back to painting.

Roy says that art is nerdy, but he thinks it’s cute that I’m a nerd. I tried explaining to him the difference between the Painting I and Painting II class, but I didn’t get too far before he interrupted me with this super passionate kiss. It left me with all these butterflies in my stomach and feeling a bit dizzy. This is all so new and exciting and I just cannot even believe how wonderful he is!

I saw Jim the other day though so that was weird. He was with this other girl at the supermarket. He didn’t see me, but I felt really hurt seeing his arm around another girl. Who is she? How did he move on so fast from us? I mean, I did too so I guess that’s understandable. She’s massively gorgeous. She has longer curly red hair, but the pretty glossy kind, not the frizzy kind like me. She was really lean and had legs for days. So basically the Saks Fifth Avenue version vs JCPenny’s (me). I totally knew he could do better than me. I’m happy for him, I really am. We could never fit together. He’s so perfectly structured and I’m so flawed, unmotivated, and confused about life. Jim is not, he deserves someone better than me.

Isabel is anti-Roy and hasn’t been keeping that a secret at all. She said she thinks there’s something fishy about him and seems like he’s only looking for one thing. 

Maybe so, but he’s so sweet to me, lets me hang out with his friends, and is the life of the party. He’s fun to be around so I told Isabel to mind her own business (but in a nice way, because I’ll be honest, I could never tell someone off like that).

Mom and dad have their own reservations about Roy and keep asking me what happened to Jim. Penny even has an opinion. However, I explained how he is fun and brings out the best in me. Or at least what I think is the best in me. I was so quiet before and had no friends and now I have a whole group in addition to my Painting II friends.

Anyway, the Valentine dance is coming up soon. Roy hasn’t asked me yet. Should I ask him? I want him to ask me. I want to feel wanted and special. But maybe he wants to feel wanted and special. Do boys even care about that or is that just a girl thing?

Just in case, I bought a red dress that is off the shoulder a bit. It’s definitely out of my comfort zone, but I really want Roy to think, “Wow” when he sees me. That might be wishful thinking. There are so many other pretty girls at my school, I’m still confused why he’s with me. 

I did ask Roy why he liked me and he had shrugged and said he “didn’t know, there was just something there”.

I guess that’s good enough of an answer!

Anyway, onto other things…

My family is going to Disney World this spring break! It was a Christmas present, but since I lost my journal, I forgot to mention it.

Penny and I were jumping up and down like kids when we found out. It’s so exciting! Roy was bummed out when I told him I wouldn’t be here for spring break and asked if I could just skip it. Yeah, right! It’s Disney! 

The office job is okay. My coworkers are nutty. My painting class is really fun and helps make up for how boring my post-school day life is. Aside from that, I’m beyond happy I’m not in the creative writing class anymore. I wanted to fall asleep every five seconds in there. It just wasn’t for me. 

I’m trying to convince my boss to let me paint a mural in the warehouse. Two reasons, painting a mural since I lost that opportunity over the summer and seeing Roy more. 

Speaking of the warehouse and Roy thing, he’s still talking about dropping out of high school after this year. I keep telling him he should really think about it more, but he says I’m overreacting anyway, that no one cares about formal education anyway, and that it’s all about what’s in your brain from street smarts. 

Based on that thought process alone, I’d say he needs to stick it out and graduate high school at least and then consider not going to college. I mean at least finish this part of your life. His parents aren’t really in the picture too much so I don’t think anyone is helping him too much. I kind of feel like I’m helping him through all this, which I’m fine with temporarily. There is only so much I can do after all!

Okay, I have a math test to study for which is during the first period tomorrow! 

Until next time future Pam...

Love, 1996 Pam

P.S. maybe one day I’ll find it cool that I signed it as the 1996 Pam or maybe I’ll find it lame. We’ll find out then!

Sunday, August 17th, 1997

Wow… I’m glad I signed that last entry as 1996 Pam. I would have never believed that was me who wrote those things otherwise. How naive was I? I should give some background for the grandkids…

I haven’t written in a long time because I kind of got into a rut with life (explained below) and hid my journal away (then forgot where I hid it- until I was packing for college).

1. Roy actually asked me to Valentine’s dance. However, instead of picking me up, he went and got drunk with his friends and was arrested for a DUI that night. All I did that night was pace around my house feeling pretty bummed out since I got stood up for this date. Penny and Mom had helped me get ready and it pretty much was a bad night all around. Roy called me that Sunday to fill me in. I remember just staring at the Boy Meets World poster in my room at a loss for words. I don’t remember exactly what I said to him, but I know I broke up with him. Probably a good thing too, mom and dad were furious that he stood me up and were in total agreement that breaking up with him was the best move.

2. Roy and the rest of his friends made fun of me in class for the rest of the semester. The second semester of my Junior year was pretty miserable. Thankfully I had the people at the office to socialize with sometimes. Isabel and I got to hang out more too which was nice. 

3. The summer between my Junior and Senior year of high school (so last summer) I went and toured a few college campuses. I settled on Marywood when I heard that they had an Art Therapy major! Even better is that if I really like it, I can go to graduate school there for that too. Things really felt like they were starting to fall in place once I selected a school that let me use art to help others. I applied last fall and actually got accepted early! This made senior year feel super slow, but at least I signed up for all the upper level art classes I could get my hands on. This helped me avoid Roy and let me continue pursuing my passion. I’m so happy that I got back on this path. Imagine if I had listened to my boss?!

4. I graduated from high school in May and finally quit that part time job at the office before I moved to the college dorms!

Which I believe brings me to now…

Tomorrow is the first day of college! I moved in on Friday and then we had orientation day yesterday. So that leaves me with my last day before college and I am so happy I found this journal to continue my thoughts!

I must say, I am a tad nervous for tomorrow. I have a class that starts at 8:00am. It’s English 100 which shouldn’t be too difficult. I actually did all the required reading prior to the week leading up to classes. So I’m evolving as they say.

My roommate’s name is Jen and she is so nice. She’s here to study biology so while we’re vastly different, I think we’ll be great friends!

I have to go now, but yay for me becoming a better person. I know a lot has changed, but I have less stuff in my dorm so 1) I shouldn’t have an issue with losing my journal and hopefully nothing crazy happens where I need to hide away for a year and a half again!

Go college!

Monday, August 18th, 1997

Scratch that, something crazy happened, but I’m not planning on hiding away for a year and a half because of it.

English 100… Jim Halpert is in it. Jim Halpert goes to Marywood. Jim Halpert and I have been paired together for our semester long project. Jim Halpert is cuter than ever and I’m going to lose my mind.

So there I am getting my tea at 7:30am, barely awake, but trying to look nice for my first day of college and I hear a “Hey Beesly” behind me. 

I remember being startled, yes this college is close to home, but not many people from my school stayed close to home without just going to community college. 

Jim was right behind me and oh my gosh did he look cute as ever. It’s probably been a year and a half since I saw him? Maybe? But he just looked like an older, more mature version of himself. He was wearing a striped t-shirt, jeans, and had this really cool looking messenger bag. It was hot yesterday so I don’t know how he was that comfortable in jeans. Anyway, I just squeaked out a “hey”. Yes, I actually squeaked. How mortifying. 

We talked for a minute, but then went to part ways for class and realized we were heading the same way for class which is how we found out we were in English 100 together. Then we got to class, sat together, and then we found out we’re together for a project.

I had looked over at him when the teacher announced this and he seemed on edge maybe? I’m not positive, but he smiled at me and I swear my stomach did a ton of flips. 

After class I asked him what college his girlfriend went to (I read this tip in Cosmo to make an assumptive close in situations like this to get a real answer, so I tested it). Turns out he has no girlfriend! I mean, who knows if anything will actually happen between us, but at least there’s no one just in case.

We actually hung out for quite awhile in the dorm lounge. He lives on the floor below mine. He’s a bit more confident than when we dated, but so am I, I guess!

I still think dating wise, he could probably do better than me, but friends wise, he’s awesome and I think this could really work out!

He’s majoring in communications or business. I don’t remember exactly, I was a tad preoccupied with looking at his eyes...you know just friends kind of things.

Anyway, I need to get going, my 3:00pm Math 150 class starts soon!

____________________________________________________________________________

Sorry, I have an update. Jim is in this class too. I think I might be doomed.

I never thought I could love college as much as I do! It’s only been a week and I just feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be, you know? The classes I’m in are actually interesting, Jen and I are getting along great, and Jim is just wonderful too! We might as well be different people than we were two years ago. He’s a lot more confident (or maybe I am, I’m not really sure), but he’s funny as all get out and makes these incredibly dorky, lame, positively adorable jokes. I can already tell he’s going to be one of my greatest friends coming out of college.

Anyway, my first college weekend was fun! Mom, dad, and Penny came to visit me on Saturday which was really great. Even though we’re all in the same town, we agreed that I still needed to feel like I was getting the college experience of sorts and that we’d act (within reason of course) that I had gone to school further away. I was able to show them all my buildings that held my classes, the student union, and they finally got to see how I decorated my dorm! Penny kept asking if there were any cute boys. I’m sure I actively blushed because mom smiled slightly and admonished Penny for asking, then dad just chuckled saying “oh boy” or something along those lines. I think they could tell there was someone maybe….even though there totally isn’t. There isn’t...

On Sunday, Jim and I decided we’d have Sunday night movie nights as a way to “decompress before we’re just boring adults”. I told Jim we might as well be there already considering how much time we both spent in the library studying for our first exams. To which he agreed saying that’s why we needed this even more (adding in the “Beesly” he used to call me-which by the way, made me hard core swoon, but he doesn’t need to know that)!

Back to the movie night before I get caught up in my emotions, the first movie night was two nights ago. Jim got to pick this week (because he won the super official coin toss saying “if it’s good enough for football, then it’s good enough for this”) and he decided on Children of the Corn. It was TERRIFYING. I kept jumping every five seconds it felt like and at some point realized I was practically in his lap. So that was awkward. I didn’t show that it was awkward though because then that would just make it even MORE awkward. We don’t need awkwardness here...oh gosh I just wrote “awkward” so many times. I must really be awkward…

ANYWAY, I told Jim that I’m picking the movie next week and it’s going to be something that is the absolute opposite of a horror movie because I hardly slept Sunday night into Monday. When I told Jim this yesterday he just chuckled, yes CHUCKLED and said that he’d find something mellower next time. Buddy, there may not be a next time for horror movies…

So today I went to Blockbuster to see what kinds of mushy, gushy, too sweet kinds of movies I can rent for next Sunday. This is a partial "get even" sting. I thought about something super romantic because that would totally be the equivalent of something annoying for him. I was considering Sleepless in Seattle. It’s probably my favorite movie so at least I would enjoy it, I’ll see though, I’m still unsure about that.

The sororities on campus are doing their rush next week. I’ve decided I don’t want to be a part of that group, but Jen said she was going to rush and keeps begging me to go through it with her. I don’t really know. Jim kept saying I should go “for the experience”. I swear, that’s been his motto for the last week. Every time something new comes up, he says we should do it for the experience. That college will only last so long and that one day we’ll be boring adults. He sure likes to remind me that I’ll be boring one day...so, I’ll see about it, but it’s unlikely. If anything, I want to join Kappa Pi next year. It’s sort of like Greek life, but not the same thing really, it’s just a Greek organization for art peeps. I don’t know what the difference really is, but at least I’d meet more like-minded people!

Jim has decided that he’s going to join the intramural leagues so he can keep up with basketball. He actually turned down a basketball scholarship to go here because the academic program (which I did find out was Communications) was better here. I thought that was a really responsible thing of him to do and very unlike Roy. 

OH MY GOSH, SPEAKING OF ROY. So he never went away to college. He’s just still working in the warehouse at the office. It seems like he got what he wanted. From what I heard he just drinks a lot and sleeps around. I really really dodged a bullet there.

Oh no, it’s time for me to go. I gave myself thirty minutes to journal before I would force myself to write my art therapy paper on “How art brings us together” and I'm about fifteen minutes past the allotted time. Here’s to an exciting night full of Coca Cola, research, and writing. Bleh.

So this afternoon I was in our dorm lounge with Jen. We were studying for our first exams (me, English and her Psychology), all of a sudden, this random guy goes STREAKING down the hallway. I have no idea what happened. Our RA was very upset and trying to shield us all from viewing the catastrophe that was that guy's reputation. Here we are, our pure freshman eyes AND THAT HAPPENS. THE HORROR.

Okay so it was really funny and really broke up the monotony that is studying. I told Jim he missed the funniest thing, but nope he saw it too, the guy started on his floor. I don’t think I mentioned this, but they alternate girls and guys between the floors in the dorm. So Jim is under me. Wait, that sounds weird...you know what I mean...anyway, Jim came up to our lounge to continue his studying. We’ve only been here a couple of weeks and we have a routine. Jim brings the jelly beans, I bring the grape soda, and we pray we don’t gain the freshman 15 while we study.

He’s an awesome study partner though. He’s really great at quizzing me through everything. He’s just really great…

Last night we went on a walk around campus. We started talking about our previous relationship. He brought it up, not me. I don’t know what came across me to be so honest with him, but I’m doing things different with my life now… so I told him… I laid it all there for him and told him I never felt like I was good enough for him. How he was so great and full of ambition while I was getting the wind knocked out of my sails. I told him I had thought he deserved someone better than me.

He had gotten all quiet as I was saying this to him which then just made it really awkward. At least for me. So I just kept babbling on and on saying that that’s how I started dating Roy. I explained that he and I were on the same level, or at least I thought we were. I told him all the drama with Roy and up until that point he’d just been listening, actually listening to me, but he laughed at the whole Roy story. He told me that Roy seemed like the opposite of me.

At some point in my rambling I noticed we had stopped by this bench so we sat down because we were both sick of walking. 

Anyway, so we’re talking and everything and all of a sudden he got really quiet and looked up at me and the look in his eyes was just something to throw me off for the rest of my life. He took my hands in his and it was like we were on our first date again. It felt...right. Honestly, it felt like I had made a big mistake letting him go a few years ago. It was nice. He had started rubbing my hand lightly with his thumb and I actually lost the train of thought I had. At some point I realized we’re just staring at each other and not really talking. Once we both realized that, it snapped us out of our little dream world we were in and I told him we should get headed back.

He did hold my hand all the way back to our dorm though. When we were walking he kept glancing at me and smiling a lot, but he didn’t say very much. I either make him nervous or he’s a man of few words in these situations. I guess that’s for me to figure out!

It was really sweet! Then today, we’re studying and he doesn’t even bring anything up! What the heck is that about?! Okay, maybe it’s because Jen was there, but still. Maybe I’m just prettier in the moonlight than under fluorescents.

I don’t really know where this leaves us. I’m not sure where we stand. I know we’re friends, no doubt about that, but are we more than that?

I think I want to be. I feel ready to be his girlfriend this time. It’s like I needed to grow up, you know? I mean, yes, it’s only been 2 years, but 16-18 is a HUGE maturity difference I think.

One thing is for sure, we’re not rushing into anything. Jen thinks this all really funny though. She knows the brief dating history of ~Jim and Pam~ so when she told me that there’s a rumor that anyone who sits on that specific bench will marry their college sweetheart I actually cackled. 

So that was a fun piece of knowledge. Personally I think it’s because it’s on the tallest hill in our campus, but under this big tree that overlooks the rest of Marywood. It’s really gorgeous actually. Especially with the moonlight out.

BUT, Jim and I held hands. That’s it. There’s no romance really yet, there’s no dating, there’s no boyfriend or girlfriend, and most certainly no engagement or marriage. We’re just not there yet and who knows, just because we sat there together, it doesn’t mean we’re the ones for each other. We might find other people in college too! It’s a possibility…

But he did look pretty handsome under the moonlight...

Before I get into the confusing things about my life, a tiny life update is in order! I got my early acceptance (officially) into the art therapy program! So I know I mentioned it the other day that it was what I was majoring in, but it really wasn’t official until yesterday when I got my letter. There are so many people that want to go into the art therapy major that they require a second application to go through when you’re a freshman. 

Most people get into the program, but early admission into it is typically unheard of for freshman! Early admittance for freshman is what regular admittance is for sophomores. Which means they think I’m at the sophomore level already! How exciting! Jen and Jim agreed that we need to go out and celebrate. I told them we didn’t have to, but Jim said I needed to start seeing myself as a serious artist like he sees me. I think that’s funny, but very nice of him.

So more about Jim...tonight was movie night and we watched Sleepless in Seattle. Jim had never seen the move before and spent half the time telling me how unrealistic parts of the movie were. I explained to him that while not entirely incorrect, it was a movie and the whole point was to make us believe in love. The WHOLE point is to show us that our soulmate can be out there on the opposite side of the country (or world) and we can still find our way to them.

I asked Jim if he believed in soulmates. I was kind of curious, you know? Most guys think it’s a Hallmark generated, made up kind of thing that only people destined to be alone believe in to make themselves feel better. Personally, I think it exists and to my actual surprise, so did he.

He said something along the lines of, “Even it doesn’t exist, why would I go about my life thinking otherwise? That just sounds miserable. If I think it does, that would make my life that much more satisfying, right?”. He then LOOKS at me with these weird eyes and says, “I believe in soulmates and think we’re destined to be with someone special, don’t you?”

I felt like I lost my voice, my throat had gotten all dry, and I kind of remember starting to sweat? He was staring at me so intently. I know I said yes, but I don’t remember very much after that. I think I blacked out. I do that during important parts of my life (like high school graduation - I don’t remember Joe Bader tripping across the stage before I accepted my diploma, I only know it happened because we watched the VHS tape the next day).

I felt such a tingling in my stomach, like a thousand butterflies had been released when he said that. I remember my face getting warmer like I had gone on a run (also, ha, unlikely), but not much else before he excused himself for the night.

The next thing I remember is Jen walking in (which was an hour ago). I guess I looked like a ghost standing there. She asked me if I was okay because I was really pale and just staring off into nothing (at least that’s what she told me).

I don’t even know how to process this information. He seemed like he was trying to tell me something? Maybe? Maybe he wasn’t? We know I’m not great at predicting Jim’s emotions or feelings. Heck, I can’t even figure out my own emotions! Example A is this entire diary.

I vaguely remember him knocking on the door frame a bit before he left, like he didn’t know what to do either. Let alone, like he didn’t want to leave.

I wish he hadn’t.

I wish he would have stayed.

I wish I was brave and had gone after him.

I’ll save that for another day.

Things have felt...off this week? Life just felt tense on Monday and Tuesday. Everything started looking up today though. Jim and I met up after class and went to grab some lunch. We talked about our hopes and dreams. It was cute.

Okay, no we totally didn’t talk about that, BUT we did discuss the merits and pitfalls of Air Bud. I complained how unrealistic it was and Jim retorted back with the fact that just because it seems unrealistic, doesn’t mean it still isn’t fun for our imagination to build it up.

Which has me wondering if he was referring to us. Maybe he’s building this all up in his imagination? Or worse, I’m building up him building this up in his imagination and I really have a problem…

I don’t think so though…

I met up with him after classes today and we were aimlessly walking around and we found ourselves sitting on the bench again.

Knowing what I know NOW about that bench and its matchmaking abilities, I was extremely awkward sitting there next to him. I probably looked like an idiot thinking he was going to kiss me every time we made eye contact. 

There was something there though. I could feel it in the way he held my gaze.

But I held his too.

It felt romantic.

It felt REALLY romantic when he had moved a piece of hair out of my face that the wind had blown into it. I can still feel the heat from his fingers on my cheek. If I die today, I can say that I died happy because the one touch really did me in.

His fingers just lightly brushed my cheek, but it felt like a caress. It felt like everything around us was still and we were just in our own little world. It does kind of feel like it though, when we’re basically sitting on top of the world while on that hill.

All I know is after that he got really quiet again and blushed. I felt like I did too, but I wanted to show him that it was okay and I grabbed his hand and we sat there in a comfortable silence holding hands like we did the other night.

I think the nice thing about whatever this is, is that unlike whatever it was that we had a couple of years ago, this seems more natural. Yes, next steps are coming in slower, but I’m really okay with it. I think that’s the beauty in this. Unlike my 16 year old self, I’m really in no rush to hurry my feelings. I can tell I like him, but I don’t think that ever left from the last time.

I think he still likes me. I mean I’m pretty positive he does anyway.

Based on these current events, I’m sure I’ll find out sooner rather than later.

I decided to be brave tonight. I begged Jen to leave for a few hours so Jim and I could have some sort of privacy for movie night. I just felt like something special was going to happen tonight and I felt super giddy all day. Jim’s been becoming my best friend, but I kinda want more than that so I was trying to make tonight feel just a bit different. Maybe not like a date exactly. I’m trying to do this differently than last time and last time Jim was the one making the moves. I’m the one who originally broke up with him due to my own stupidity so I was trying to take matters into my own hands I guess. 

Anyway, Jim showed up at 7, right on time with popcorn and candy aka the way to my heart and holding When Harry Met Sally claiming it to be a “true classic”. I was obviously confused because it’s a chick flick and asked him what happened to Top Gun or something like that and he told me that he thought I’d like this more and he actually thought it was kind of cute too.

I don’t think I’ve exactly mentioned how we do movie nights, but we both sit on my bed with our feet hanging off the side of it while watching the tv I have set up on my desk across the room. It hasn’t been weird until tonight when I couldn’t even FOCUS on the dang movie. All I could think about was holding his hand again and remembering how his lips used to feel on me. He’s started getting stubble more since the last time we had kissed so I knew it would feel different.

Halfway through the movie I felt like I started sweating and I remember my breathing feeling different. I vaguely processed him shifting on the bed slightly which then, you know, sent my heart into overdrive because he was on my bed and I became excitedly aware of that fact. 

At some point I’d stopped focusing on the movie and I just felt like a magnet was bringing out hands together. Like it was destined for us to hold hands. At some point I’d realized that Meg Ryan’s character was going after what she wanted so I decided to do that too. SOOOO I grabbed Jim’s hand and held it. He was warm and his fingers were interlaced perfectly with mine. I kinda blacked out for a minute and just kept staring at the television, but the heat that was making my face warm brought me back to reality a bit.

I had decided to really go big so I turned towards Jim. I think I said his name, but he was already facing me and I kissed him. I kissed the heck out of him. I honestly don’t think we ever kissed like that when we dated the first time. He had his hands in my hair and his lips were just so full.

At some point I realized that the tv had stopped and the credits had finished rolling and remember the heat warming my face again as I pulled back. The look on his face though? I thought I could die being happy knowing I’d held his hand, but seeing that look that was just all dazey and cute? Now I can die knowing what it’s like to kiss like that and have someone look at you like you’re the only person who matters.

We made out for quite awhile, but at some point Jen came back and that kind of ended it for us and Jim left pretty quickly realizing he’d been caught. His hair was pretty jacked up and his lips were swollen. It was adorable, but I think we went at it a little too hard.

Jen had a great time making fun of me too because my hair was also in bad shape. She also loved the hickey that Jim left me on the side of my neck. AND SHE REALLY LOVED when I told her I didn’t know when that had happened. The whole thing made her cry laughing which in my state made me cry laughing because of how giddy and happy I was.

What a night. 

What.

A.

Night.

I need to go to bed, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep.

Update, I hardly slept last night! I woke up feeling like a new woman! Okay, one, can I even call myself a woman? I still feel like a child. Two, that felt weird, but I’m not a child. I don’t know. ANYWAY, Jim and I walked to class together today holding hands. He kept making cute jokes. It was so sweet. I know Jen thought it was funny when he showed up at my door like he was taking me on a fancy date and not just to our English class. We broke away before we went into the actual room. I think we both felt a bit weird showing up like that in class. I couldn’t really focus though. I just kept thinking of the pressure his hand was creating on mine and how he kept rubbing it while we walked. It was just pleasant.

It got me thinking about my relationship with Roy and how he never really cared to hold hands. He thought it was dumb. When he did he just wanted something else out of it which then just kind of ruined the whole thing for me. So, I’m happy to say that Jim has most certainly made this a better thing for me.

When we left English, we both reached for each other’s hands and walked towards the bench overlooking campus. It was a nice day. The weather is starting to simmer out a bit and it’s no longer so humid. My curls are happy. Therefore I am happy.

We pretty much just held hands and talked. We kissed a bit, but nothing like last night. Jim was pretty impressed with his handiwork on my hickey. I laughed and blushed at the same time. He told me it was cute so I responded saying he was cute and then we kissed some more. 

This feels so natural and fun. People always talk about how hard relationships are. I know they can be, but it’s weird to me that they can also be enjoyable. Normally, I wouldn’t have thought I could just be so...myself around someone. I really had thought I was just being me while I was Roy. I’m finding now that I’m actually who I am supposed to be with Jim. 

Is it too early to make these kinds of statements? 

I feel like it might be, but a big part of me doesn’t care. I just want to spend all my time with him, all of the time.

I called Isabel earlier to see how she was doing and to fill her in. She was so shocked! Especially BECAUSE it’s Jim! She and Jen both think that this bench is working in our favor...we’ll see. I think they might be right though! 

AHH!

It’s been a couple weeks since I last wrote in here hasn’t it? Oops! We had the first round of tests this past week and it was a stressful time in everyone’s lives. You know, being our first big round of college exams. Yeah, we’ve had some tests, but I swear, I think all the professors planned to ruin our lives this last week. Between Jim, Jen, and myself, we had ten exams. TEN. IN ONE WEEK. Why would they do that to us? At least part of my exams included doing actual art so while Jen was doing math and Jim was measuring things in beakers, my tests were painting, so I can’t complain too much.

On a fun note, Jim’s birthday is in a few days so it made it so all of our exams were completed by Friday and let us have this entire weekend to celebrate him turning 19! I joked with him that this was his last year he could really do anything crazy and then he asked if falling in love with me was crazy. I didn’t know what to say to that because you know, we’ve only been together a short while now. I mean, yes, we knew each other and dated before. So I guess that’s different? I don’t know. I liked how he said it though so I kissed him. I didn’t know if I should say it back to him because it just feels weird? Is that me being weird? I mean I definitely feel like I could love him, but it has to be too early to feel that I would think. If I told mom she’d have a cow. “OH yes, mom, I love my official boyfriend of two months”. Who says that?

OH, that’s the other thing, I really don’t know if Jim and I are even boyfriend or girlfriend. I guess I should ask him… wait I’ll be right back. I’m going to go ask him now.

Update, we are. Haha. 

I just went into his room and his roommate Mark wasn’t there and I just marched right up to him and kissed him and said, “Hey, are we boyfriend and girlfriend”? He then looked at me like he was confused, then he laughed and said, “Beesly, I thought we were two months ago”. Which then caused me to laugh because OF COURSE we hadn’t discussed this, we both just kind of assumed.

We’re a mess and I love it.

Wait, I guess I could have waited another hour to ask him when he comes over for movie night...oh well! Couldn’t wait!

This weekend was so fun though, so we went mini golfing and got pizza on Friday night as the official celebration of his birthday. The unofficial celebration of his birthday happened when we went back to his room and you know...things happened…I’m not going to say because I would die if anyone read this. But, not EVERYTHING happened, just some things. You catch my drift?

Saturday night was basically the same thing, but ANYWAY.

The blush on my face is too much to handle right now. I need to go splash some cold water on myself before he comes over and I take it too far too fast. 

Gosh he’s adorable and I love him. I mean it. I love it.

Jim is officially 19! He thinks it’s cute that he’s older than me. He says that he can take care of me better now that he’s older. Hah. OKAY. Even though we celebrated more officially over the weekend, we went to dinner together last night for a birthday date and saw a movie. It was such a great time and we both really just needed the break. He’s planning on going home this weekend to see his family and celebrate with them too so I might go home also. It’s not like it’s far, but it’s a nice break from being here each day!

As much as I love having a roommate, having my own room for a few days will be nice. Even living so close to home, I feel like I miss it so much more. Maybe it’s the appreciation for everything my parents do for me or just knowing that I have a place to go if I need to. I just really miss it. Surprisingly, I can’t wait to see Penny. She’s significantly less annoying when I don’t have to drive her everywhere or listen to her complain about everything! 

Nothing too exciting has really happened in my life. I’m doing really well in all of my classes, Jim and I are doing well. Jen is still equally awesome!

I got an on campus job recently as a tour guide. I’m still in training to learn how to walk backwards and point on campus landmarks. It seems easier to walk backward while holding a megaphone, but alas, they want us to use (lose) our voices. It doesn’t pay much, but it does allow me to feel like I can take Jim out every now and again. I swear, that boy...spends too much money on me and when I tell him not to, he just kisses me on the forehead and says, “you’re worth it”. Who does that? LET ME BUY YOUR ICE CREAM, DANGIT. Okay, totally not a real problem, but still...I want to treat him to something.

Hold on, he just walked in my room…

...Okay he’s gone now. He reread part of this entry and said that I do treat him well by “being me”. Ugh, *insert eyeroll*.

He has a way of being really cute.

We have a dorm hall dance coming up soon. It seems pretty similar to the high school fall dance we had. I want to ask Jim. I probably will be the weekend if he hasn’t asked me. I don’t want it to feel like it did a few years ago when I tried to call him and he was out then I ended up going with Roy. I want us to be on the same page, always. I’ve heard they give out some cool door prizes too so that would at least give us something to look forward to aside from the dancing. I don’t think he’s really into dancing. Maybe swaying. Maybe just head bobbing. Or maybe he’s a head banger? We really haven’t dug that far into our relationship past the initial googly eyed phase. Not a bad thing though, I’d gladly stare at him all day, every day.

Anyway, nothing else to report. I'm sure there will be something more exciting when I come back from the weekend or after the dance. We'll see when I pick this thing up again. Final exams are not that far off! 

So we’re walking around campus this morning. Nothing too crazy is happening. We went to the on campus cafe and he got some coffee and I got my tea. It didn’t take long for us to both finish our drinks, but either way we still got to hold hands and I just absolutely adore doing that.

The weather was nice and mild, but it was a tad breezy since we’re now heading back into Winter. We sat down on our bench and everything was just so peaceful and calm. I had rested my head on his shoulder and then he wrapped his arm around me, pulling me in closer to him (which is just so cozy in general). We sat in a comfortable silence for a bit while taking in the chirping birds. Before I go any further, let me just say that he makes me feel so warm and calm. I’ve never felt more at peace then when I’m with him.

So we’re sitting there and he kissed me on top of my head while brushing the hair that had fallen onto the right side of my face, out of the way. Then he starts telling me how great our relationship has been. At some point we were facing each other and he reached for my hands and got this almost sparkling look in his eyes and said he loved me. I remember my heart beating faster and breaking out in a big smile before I literally lunged at him like a dork. I kissed him and told him I loved him back. I haven’t stopped smiling since then. I can’t believe Jim loves me back. JIM LOVES ME. 

I was so scared to tell him before this, but now I wish I’d just had the courage, but honestly, this way was more perfect than me blurting it out in a movie theater too soon. Although the feeling has been bubbling up to the surface with every additional kind comment he gives me, tests he quizzes me for, or late night talks about our futures. 

I can’t understand how I ever dated Roy. He would have never been like this and this was all any girl ever wants. They want someone who cares about them, hears them, encourages them, and still wants to be with them when they’re a total b word. Have I found the one or am I just on a high from being told that SOMEONE LOVESSSSS ME???

Ugh, I’m in loveeeeee.

Oh, before I forget...

So, I wanted so badly to believe he would ask me to the dance, but I also had my doubts because he’s a boy and boys are dumb sometimes (a lot of the times) and thought I’d have to do it myself, which is no big deal, but it’s nice to be asked sometimes too. After we settled down from our excitement of taking this next big, exciting step in our relationship, he told me to close my eyes. At this point, I’m thinking to myself what else could possibly happen? This has already been the best day of my life!

I felt him place a box in my lap and got giddy all over again as he said I could open my eyes. Inside the box was this beautiful pearl pendant necklace that had a note accompanying it. The note was so cheesy…it said, “Roses are red, pearls are cream, going to the dance with you would be a dream”. It made me laugh because it was so sweet. Jim told me poetry was never his strongest subject area, but he wrote me a poem. HE WROTE ME….A POEM… He is such a romantic. I love it! So I said yes to going with him for obvious reasons, but wow I’m just elated right now. Maybe this is all happening fast, but it just feels right.

It feels so right.

I am absolutely crap at writing in this journal. Just when I think I will actually write something, a month passes and everything I mentioned in my previous entry has no follow up…

SO

1. The dance was amazing! We had a really great time before, during, and after...but I won’t go into that, because PRIVACY...you feel me?

2. It’s been 67 days since Jim and I said we loved each other and it feels like no time has passed at all. He brings me my tea in the morning. I take him the assignments he misses when he gets sick. We make out 23/6 (gotta leave room for homework sometimes). It’s been an absolute dream come true.

3. We met each other's families over Thanksgiving break. We spent Wednesday and half of Thursday at his parents house and then went to mine for the second half of Thursday and Friday. Then we told both sets of parents that we needed to get back to school early Saturday morning to start prep work for finals. The joke was on them though because we didn’t get out of bed all weekend. No roommates. No problems.

I think we’re caught up now. School is fine. It’s school though. I can’t wait to get out into the real world and start putting some of this education to use! I’m ready to feel like an adult I guess. I mean, I am one, right? I don’t pay for all my own bills, but I’m 18. I can join the military and smoke...I also know who to go to if I need alcohol and that’s just using your resources, right? 

Okay, so maybe not a full adult... BUT still!

I know it’s so soon, but Jim and I work so well together. Is it weird that I’ve thought what marrying him might be like? I don’t think it is, but I’m certainly not sharing this insight with him. Most guys don’t like to know that you’ve already figured out their whole lives for them ahead of next weekend’s party.

However, it is Jim...he may find it endearing. He looks at me like I hold the whole world nearly every time we’re having a moment. I can’t break it to him that I don’t and I have my own flaws like we all do. I’m sure he’ll find out soon enough. My parents say we’re in the honeymoon phase, but that’s hard to see. They fight so much and I’m scared that Jim and I will get that way one day too so I want to hold onto this feeling and never let it go. 

I love him to the moon and back and can’t stand the thought of us breaking up (again). Do we really count that first time? I don’t...we were children anyway.

Ugh, I’m getting mushy. 

My point is, he is perfect, kind, and has the best heart. 

I  just hope I give him what he needs from me.

Until next time…

*************************************************************************

Hi, Pam. I shouldn’t be snooping. I know…*insert sheepish smile here* but I saw this on your desk and I only read the last few lines. I wanted to say that you do give me what I need...which is you. You are everything. 

We’re 100% not like your parents and even if you have flaws (honestly, where are these so called flaws at, Ms. Beesly?) I wouldn’t want to date anyone else but you.

PS, I’ve thought about marrying you too.

All my love, 

Jim.

Why does it feel like every year end is filled with regret and sadness? You could have spent the night before ringing the new year in but as soon as Auld Lang Syne begins playing I feel like I should be reevaluating my life. It’s the bittersweet feeling of an end where the beginning is more of a mystery. How will you define the upcoming year? How will you put into words exactly how you changed in the previous one? I’m not entirely sad, it’s just funny seeing how much has changed in my life in the last year.

Jim says I should change my major to philosophy based on how introspective of the world I’m getting. Eh, I like art too much. BUT, I did sign up for an introduction to philosophy course to fulfill some of my extracurricular activities. Jim signed up for it too so we can be together. I can’t wait! I’m sure he’ll spend so much time not paying attention to the teacher and instead trying to distract me as well. Which would be just great if we both fail.

I’m home right now because of the holidays. Jim came to visit my family right before Christmas. It was so great to see him interacting with everyone. Grandma pulled my aside to tell me he was a keeper. He really knows how to turn the charm on that’s for sure!

Jim and I went into New York City last night to get the full effect of a new year's celebration in the city and oh, my. What chaos. Exciting, energizing, but draining chaos. I knew I was a homebody and introverted, but I never felt it in my bones until last night. It was nice though, we shared a sweet midnight kiss. Then we went back to the hotel and yeah...yeah.

I must say, we rang the new year in well.

I really hope my family never reads this. I’m blushing as I write, but we don’t need them to actually read it.

We ordered room service this morning and I had one of those, “Wow, I’m an actual adult right now” moments. It sank in as we munched on bacon while wearing those fluffy robes you only see on TV. I felt like a celebrity. I don’t even want to know how much it’s costing, but Jim said it was his treat. So nice of him!

I really lucked out didn’t I?

It was kind of funny because I was reading through my journal earlier and two years ago on this date I was talking about how wonderful Roy was, but you could just tell I didn’t feel it. There was something missing with him. I’m glad it’s not missing with Jim. I mean, sometimes I do get frustrated with him, but come on, such is life.

Oh, we did have an argument last week! I was complaining about some crap, I don’t even remember at this point, but I do remember he called me out on something and my anger transferred to him. Clearly it wasn’t a big deal since I can’t remember what it even was.

I guess that’s a good thing!

Anyway, I’m ready to go back to school where I can see him everyday. This whole long distance thing is really putting a cramp in things.

Until next time!

Today would have been considered unremarkable by most, but it was everything to me. It was one of those days where you romanticize your life and what you're experiencing in that moment. The world seems a tad bit brighter and has more life in it, if you will.

The weather couldn’t make up its mind today switching between rain, sleet, and snow. To some it was probably nightmarish, but I found the solution to it! It was an accident, but I found this cafe while going on a walk (my mother would probably kill me knowing I went out in this kind of weather for no reason. “You’ll get sick and miss important classes” she’d probably say). 

When I walked in, the room was filled with warm-hued lighting, soft, inviting jazz music, and had these incredible floor to ceiling windows that made you feel like you were outside without the temperature. I had a book in my bag that I always carry just in case I find the time to read. I felt so posh sitting in this cafe with my cappuccino, book, and jazz music. 

There are times when I still feel like a child, but today was one of those days where I felt as if I were an adult, living my adult life, and wow, I might as well have felt the Earth move because I feel something different in me as I write this.

What made the moment even sweeter though was seeing Jim walk by and do a double take seeing me in the window. His face lit up like a kid on Christmas and that was incredibly heartwarming for the frigid day. Even after months of dating, I still have this effect on him. I hope it never ends.

Once he came in, taking off his coat that is much too large for him, he sat with me and read one of his books. It was a romantic, non-romantic date. I suppose it was the simplicity of it that made it so unremarkably perfect. Just two people enjoying coffee with no place to be, but able to enjoy this one thing together.

I always thought that in order to be with someone you needed to be talking, always filling in the silence, but I realized today that love is the perfection of being with someone and the silent air between you two is comfortable. It’s not awkward or unfulfilling.

I told Jim how much I enjoyed this time together and he suggested we make it a more permanent addition to our date routine. 

He’s absolutely perfect.

Today is my birthday! I’m officially 19 which you know what that means?? Basically nothing exciting, but I only have one year left of being a teenager. Personally? I’m BEYOND thrilled. It’s totally the worst being a teenager. I want to be an adult so I can do adult things like go to bars or go out with my BOYFRIEND to get drinks or go to New York City and drink wine in Central Park or something. Maybe that’s illegal? Maybe I should find non-alcoholic activities to do when I’m in my twenties. 

Do people even like their twenties? All the upperclassmen here seem totally miserable all the time. They look like death half the time. I’m already worried about what being an upperclassman will do to my spirit and haven’t even finished my first year. 

Jim thinks being an upperclassman would be cool. UHM wait. So the other day he casually brings up marriage. Not like, asking me to marry him right now, but just my general stance on it. It was interesting...and by interesting I mean I kept it cool until I got back to my dorm room and was alone before I completely melted into a gooey pile of giddiness. 

It definitely is the worst thing ever that my birthday is on a Wednesday this year. It’s like when Jim’s birthday was in the middle of the week. It makes it so hard to do anything fun. He is taking me out for dinner later so that will be nice! We’re going to a seafood restaurant and watching the March Madness rerun from Sunday. I’m not really into basketball, but I thought it would be memorable. Kentucky is apparently doing really well and that’s who most people think will win overall, but my money is on North Carolina. Maybe it’s because I like the coast better than Kentucky. I mean...it’s Kentucky. Midwest? South? Both? I don’t know. I’m not a history major for a reason. Jim seems to be really into it though. We couldn’t watch the game on Sunday because we were...preoccupied. Then Monday and yesterday were full of midterms prep. Today is the first real break I’ve had in a bit. Aside from Spring Break that is.

Oh! I didn’t even write about Spring Break in here! We went to Florida with some friends and were all MTV on the beach. It was seriously so totally fun and my hair frizzed out like you wouldn’t even believe.

It was the absolute worst to tame, but the humidity did it’s thing and I was in Florida while Pennsylvania had a snowstorm. Jim and I had the best time. I taught him how to surf. Or kind of how to surf, more like skimming the surface where the water barely meets the sand. Okay so it wasn’t as cool as I thought it was. Oh boy, now I’m cringing at the memory. 

One night there was disco bowling. I know, weird sounding, but I have a new appreciation for 70’s music, weird dance moves, and bowling in the dark. The friends we went with ended up hooking up with people throughout the week so we didn’t see much of them, but it just made our time together a little spicier if I’m being honest. It was nice just to focus on ourselves without school interfering. It’s been so long since we could do that anyway.

So as I sit here writing this, it’s raining, kind of cold, and reminds me of those moody actresses I see on TV sometimes. You know the ones wearing all black and seem to have an attitude problem? I feel like I get them right now. Mom has been yelling at me for wearing so much black colored clothing lately. I’m like, jeez mom, lay off please. Shocking, she didn’t like the tone. Whatever. 

I feel like I’m going through something right now. I’m sure you can tell. I just feel so much more moody and attitude-y and it’s like this whole other side I’m just discovering of myself lately. 

In fact, it’s come out in my art. Mrs. Robertson commented that my artwork looked darker lately. Thanks, it matches my soul. Okay, now I’m really being dramatic. BUT REALLY. Life feels darker but not in a world-ending, soul-crushing way, more in a I think I’m growing up and things feel grayer. 

I asked Jim if he saw the world this way too and he didn’t understand what I was talking about. Maybe it means I need to run as much as him and get my endolphins up. I mean endorphins. Whatever they’re called. 

See? I still have Florida on my mind!

Anyway, Jim will be here soon for seafood and basketball reruns. Here’s hoping 19 is a good year.

How has it been over a year since I wrote here?

I swear time flies by faster than I can keep up. Well, last time I wrote in here I was 19, now I’m 20 so what do I do with that? I’m having a quarter-life crisis right now so it seemed to be a great idea to write in here and all. How do people know what they want to do in life? Is it just something some people are born with? Do people wake up one day, decided to throw a dart at a balloon that has a piece of paper rolled up into it that says, “Hey you! Here’s what you’re supposed to do with your life!” Do you know how easy it would be to do that? Someone tell me why it’s not that easy. 

My whole life I’ve thought art was the way to go, but the longer I take these classes and understand how hard making it a career will be, the less I want the lack of stability in my life. I mean at this point, why even stay in college.

Well, and for some other reasons too… so Jim and I are still together, right? It’s great, we’re great. I love him so much! It’s just…I’m pregnant. He doesn’t know yet, but I’m planning on telling him today. He’ll make a great dad and we’ve already talked so much about getting married that it doesn’t concern me. 

No, truly the only thing that concerns me is making ends meet and having money. I can see no promising immediate future if I continue down this path. It’s either 1) change my major or 2) drop out.

Jim is already set to graduate a year early so that shouldn’t be a problem. He’ll only have a semester or so left once I have our baby. But what am I supposed to do? 

Mom and dad are going to kill me.

All that money to waste. I feel like I can’t salvage this without having a backup plan.

I feel like they’ll think I’m a failure and a disappointment. 

I wonder if I should feel the same way about myself.

I hope Jim is happy.

I hope I am happy.

I hope this ends okay.

But if it doesn’t, I know I’ll love her.

I know it’s a girl. I just know with all my heart.

And if it’s not and I’m wrong…it’ll be him and me against the world.

I hope that’s not how this ends.

I love Jim.

I just hope he loves adding one more to the mix.

Until next time…maybe it’s not a full year before I come back.

Dear Diary,

How cheesy is that? I guess it’s time to fill you in on what happened over the last 24 years…

Let’s start from the beginning.

1. Mom and Dad were super mad when they found out I was pregnant (unsurprisingly) but extremely supportive once the reality of them being grandparents set in. It helped that Jim and I had a solid plan going into it. We handled it like the adults we could be at the time and grew from the experience. I couldn’t have raised a more beautiful and kind daughter. She is exactly like her father, all fun and games until it’s time to be serious. She has my creative side and combining both has made it her mission to help others through art. 

2. Jim and I were married in November of 1999. We’ve been together for 23 ½ years and every year seems to improve. We have our rocky times, but we always work through them. We’ve traveled together and made memories with our family throughout every trial we endured or fun event that went by too fast.

3. I did finish my degree. The money was not a waste and I learned so much about myself during that time. I went to school full-time and raised a child. It was the best and scariest time of my life, but I couldn’t have done it without my family. I ended up working sourcing art for local museums which blossomed into sourcing art for boutique galleries. It brings me joy when I find a new piece and it’s a never-ending treasure hunt.

4. Jim got a job offer right out of school and we moved to Austin, Texas as he started working at a small newspaper here. It wasn’t his dream job, but he turned it into one and turned the small group into one that has national attention. The place has Jim’s heart next to us. Austin fits our family so well. The vibrant and eclectic city never ceases to amaze us. From where we grew up to where we ended up…what a difference time makes.

When I reflect on my time growing up, I tend to focus on the negatives or the things that stressed me out the most. Keeping this diary and reading through it reminds me of a time before cell phones and daily updates. It helps me remember who I was before becoming who I am today. Frankly, I wish I’d had this diary as a guide when my eldest was a teenager. It probably would have eliminated many disagreements. I recall being so scared of the future at times and though I still can be, I try to look at the future as an unknown adventure. I don’t know what will happen when we get there, but the journey is the best part. My kids would tell me I was being too cheesy right now. Good thing they don’t know where I hid this! Ha!

I suppose it’s time to close this book once and for all. I do wish I’d kept up with it at the time, but that’s what my memory is for. Or at least until it starts to fade too. 

Until we meet again,

Pam