Pam stood in awe of the large church doors that represent the gateway for everything eternal. Heaven, salvation, redemption, and even love. She thought back to when she was supposed to step inside those doors and walk out a new person. Even though she hadn’t taken that life-altering walk, she did emerge from her past a changed person. Everything in her life had changed.

She stood at the back of the church surveying the guests. She carefully chose to sit in a seat secluded from most of her coworkers. She didn’t want to say anything to any of them. She wasn’t ready to open her mouth for fear that her real feelings would gush out. She didn’t want to be here. Her stomach was in knots and her palms were damp with sweat. She wasn’t ready to be in a church with the same people she had invited to her ceremony six months ago.

From Pam’s perspective, Phyllis was a lucky woman. She had found a man she truly loved, had planned a great wedding, and was standing at the back of the church waiting for her journey down the aisle to tie the knot. Pam was jealous that she hadn’t made it that far. Was it a good thing that she had called off her wedding? She often wondered if she had made the right decision all the time.

Pam spent nights thinking about what her life would be like now if she had married Roy. Would she be expecting their first child? Would they be happily married with a new home? Would they be bitter towards one another already? She decided that those questions had gone out the window when Jim entered the picture. He had changed everything for Pam. If he hadn’t decided to tell her his feelings, she would be fine with her life. She would be comfortable in her relationship with Roy and she wouldn’t be lonely. She would give anything not to be lonely. It was Jim’s fault that she was sitting in that church all alone, sitting in a pew and not standing at the altar with her fiancé. Then again, maybe it was her own fault that she wasn’t happy.

As the music began to play, the guests stood to welcome the bride into the church. When Pam stood and turned her gaze towards Phyllis, she saw him-standing across the aisle a few pews back. He looked great, even though she always thought he looked great in his suits at work. He respectfully watched Phyllis walk down the aisle until his eyes were pointed in Pam’s direction. Pam saw that he had noticed her and gave him a silent ‘hi’ from across the aisle.

Pam immediately turned, refocusing on Phyllis and knowing that she was the one who was torturing herself. When she had told Jim she was going to marry Roy, she was the one that allowed Jim to slip through her fingers. Jim had moved on knowing that Pam had made her decision. Now she was bitter. She was tired of waiting and playing games. Her insides told her to do one thing, and her heart told her another. Pam was a conflicted person now.

During the ceremony, she could feel his eyes on her. She wanted to think that, at least. She wanted to pretend that he still cared. Pam wasn’t sure what he felt, but knew that he wouldn’t ever tell her again unless she said something first. When the vows were being spoken between Bob and Phyllis, Pam closed her eyes to imagine they were her vows. Tears whelped in her eyes until they overflowed and fell free to land on her silky skirt. She finally returned from her dreamland to see Bob and Phyllis kiss. The crowd clapped and cheered for the newly weds. Pam felt two emotions fighting in her heart. She was genuinely happy for Phyllis but also upset that she could have been the bride, but wasn’t.

----

During the reception, Pam decided to not focus on herself anymore. She wanted to have a good time with her coworkers and let her mind forget about going home alone after the reception. It took several drinks to get her body moving and functioning. She decided a dance would be the best way to take the first step to letting loose. Pam glanced around the room to see who would be the person to join her. She saw Ryan sitting with Kelly, Michael lurking around the photographer, Dwight suspiciously jotting words on a notepad, Roy sitting at a table cracking jokes with Darryl, Toby getting cake for his daughter, Creed sneaking sips of Meredith’s drink, and Jim leaning against the bar smiling at Karen. Pam decided to just find someone and ask.

“Hey. Would you want to dance?” Pam asked feebly.

“Pam, I’m in the middle of something. Plus, my girlfriend might not like me dancing with another woman.” Dwight said still staring at his notes.

“Come on, Dwight. I have no one to dance with. Please?”

“Okay, just give me a second.”

Dwight stepped up to the challenge and met Pam on the dance floor. Pam was regretting every second of it, but she was desperate. Who else would dance with her? She knew now that Dwight wasn’t the best dancer in the world. He jumped and flapped his arms and bobbed his head with the beat. Pam laughed and then decided that she wasn’t going to subject herself to such embarrassment any longer.

“Dwight! Dwight!” Pam yelled to get his attention.

“What is it Pam? Do you want me to teach you my moves?”

“No. I think I’m going to go sit back down. Thanks for the dance though.”

Dwight just nodded and kept focusing on his moves. He turned and leapt to the base of the stage. Pam shook her head and casually started to step off the dance floor. Roy quickly jumped at the chance to speak with her.

“Hey Pam. Do you want to dance? I saw you out there with Schrute and that looked painful.”

“Yeah, he was the only one I could ask though. But, yes, I guess we could dance.”

“Great.”

They had gone dancing before when they were younger. Roy wasn’t bad at fast dancing. He rocked back and forth, not being too embarrassing. He would always watch what Pam did first before he made any sudden movements. Pam was actually happy to find a dancing partner that wasn’t going to hit her in the head when they were flailing their arms. Roy was doing a great job. They danced a safe distance apart and had a little chat while they danced.

“So, how are you doing?” Roy asked.

“I’m doing great. You?”

“I’m fine.”

“So, you came alone today?”

“Yeah. You too, huh?

“Yeah.”

The music switched to a slow song. Pam looked at her feet then at Roy, who was still standing in front of her. He nodded his head and held out his hand to offer. Pam swallowed hard and smiled. She wasn’t sure why she did it, but it felt better then going back to her seat depressed. Pam grabbed Roy’s hand and they began to sway to the music. Pam’s hand rested on his shoulder. Her thoughts went back to how it used to be, lying in bed with his warm body at night. Now nights were spent alone in her full sized bed in a cold, dark apartment. Pam actually enjoyed the dance with Roy. He was kind and respectful to her.

Pam then decided to go grab a drink and take a break from dancing. She excused herself to Roy and went to the bar to get some wine. Roy went back to sitting across from Darryl and took a swig out of his glass. He glanced up to Pam standing at the bar from across the room and gave her a look of gratification.

Pam sat down next to Kelly and Ryan. Kelly immediately started to interrogate Pam.

“So, are you guys back together?”

“What? Me and Roy? No! Not at all.”

“Why were you dancing with your ex then? Isn’t that against the rules?”

“He asked me. It was better than Dwight.”

“You could’ve asked Ryan. He would have danced with you, right Ryan?”

Ryan gave a look of ‘if I had to’ and looked back down at his phone. Kelly slowly turned her head to Pam to make more conversation.

“Why don’t you ask Jim? I’m sure he would want to dance with you.”

“No. I don’t think so. That might be weird.”

“Why? He is your best friend.”

“I don’t know. He is dating Karen and all.”

“You’re friends! What does it matter? Go ask him.”

“No Kelly. I don’t need to dance any more tonight. I think I might actually go soon.”

“Pam, don’t be a party pooper. Stay with us.”

“I will for a little while longer, but not too late. I have errands I need to run in the morning.” Pam lied. She didn’t have anything to do all weekend. She needed to sound busy so she could cut out early.

“Whatever, Pam. Live a little. You haven’t done that in a long time.”

“I know.” It was the truth. Pam hadn’t lived in a long time. She was waiting to wake up and start life over again. Right now, it seemed like that would never happen.

------

After visiting with Phyllis and Bob about how beautiful their wedding was, Pam decided it was time to collect her coat and go. As she was walking towards the coat closet, Roy stopped her.

“Are you leaving?”

“Yeah. I’m tired and have stuff to do in the morning.” Yet again, lying.

“Oh,” Roy said as he helped her pull her coat on.

“I will see you later I guess. Thanks for the dance.”

“No problem. See you soon.”

Pam slowly slipped out the front door having managed to not make any contact with Jim throughout the whole night. She was relieved and sad at the same time. She enjoyed Jim’s company more than anybody else and she hadn’t even managed to look him in the face, except for her silent ‘hi’ across the sanctuary.

She wrestled with her purse to pull out her keys as she walked towards her car. The parking lot was cold and dark, just like her apartment. Her heart sank slowly at the knowledge that she had to go home. Just as she stepped over the curb and towards her vehicle, she saw Jim walking back from his car. She opened her door and tried to get in before he could see her but she heard his voice from across the parking lot.

“Beesly!”

Pam sighed knowing she had been caught. She began to feel guilty for avoiding him all day long. He was supposed to be her best friend. He used to be her best friend and she had been ducking around corners for the past week to avoid any awkward conversations with him.

She remembered “..sleeping…better than not…” and shuddered at the thought of her idiotic manner of trying to muster up conversation. Then he jogged over to where she was leaning up against her door which was slowly shutting behind her. She played with her keys to distract her from making any weird chit-chat this time.

“What are you doing? Leaving the party already?”

“Yeah. It’s my bedtime.”

Jim glanced at his watch and looked back up at Pam, “Eight thirty?”

“I’ve got to get my beauty sleep. I don’t stay up late anymore.”

“Oh yeah,” he said, jokingly. ”You have a better day if you get eight hours compared to six.”

Pam’s stomach churned at the sound of that. He actually remembered that lame conversation in the break room. Pam gave a nervous chuckle and kept playing with her keys.

“You know me too well Mr. Halpert.”

“Yes I do.”

They both stood silent for a few moments. Pam looked up at him and then back at her hands.

“Well, I better get going. I just had to put my phone on my charger. It was beeping at me all through the service,” Jim said as he pointed over towards his car.

“That sucks.”

“Yeah, it does.”

Another moment of completely awkward silence fell upon the parking lot. Pam’s breathing increased as Jim started to take a few steps back. Pam’s reaction was to step forward and blurt out her feelings, but something was pulling her backwards. Was it her insecurities? Her shyness? Her lack of experience in confessing her most intimate thoughts? Her mind snapped out of the trance when she almost tripped over her feet. Something really was holding her back. Her car door had shut on her skirt.

Jim laughed and asked, “Do you need help with that?”

“Uh, I think I can get it.”

Jim reached his hand over to open the door to release Pam from the its snare. Pam instantly noticed how close they were now. She could smell him, feel his warmth, see the stubble on his face. She stepped forward so her skirt would fall away from the car door as he opened it. He tugged on the end of her skirt as she moved. Pam turned as he shut the car door, this time making sure nothing got caught.

“You look great. I mean, your skirt looks fine. Nothing looks torn.”

Pam looked down, to examine her skirt. She hadn’t thought to check until he had said something.

“Thanks. I’ve never had that happen before.”

“Oh, I get my skirts stuck in stuff all the time. Elevator doors, toilet seats, and the occasional car door,” Jim said as he let out his contagious smile.

Pam laughed too. She hadn’t laughed like this in a long time. She was happy that he was there to rescue her from the skirt eater. Jim sighed then stepped away from Pam’s car.

“Okay, I really need to go now. Have a great sleep Pam!”

“All right. Thanks again for the help.”

Jim pulled his hand from his pocket and offered it to her. Pam looked at his hand floating between them. She hadn’t ever shaken his hand before. She felt insulted that they had resorted to shaking hands now. But she decided that it was better than not ever getting to hug him again so, she placed her hand in his.

“Goodnight,” they both said to each other as they shook hands.

Jim released his grasp of her hand with a smile and a nod as he turned to leave. Pam didn’t let go, she held on to his hand, not wanting to ever let it go. Jim’s smile turned into a face of confusion and wonder as his body moved back to facing her.

She stood there holding his hand as large tears collected in her eyelashes. She wasn’t looking into his eyes or even his face her gaze was locked on his hand. Jim nervously shifted, jarring Pam from her actions. She looked up to see Jim’s face revealing a look of awe and confusion. Her pulse quickened knowing that Jim’s hand hadn’t grasped back at hers.

“Pam? I don’t know what…”

“Jim, I need to apologize for the last few months. It’s my fault that things are like this between us.”

“No. Whatever happened is over. We’re both over it so, don’t feel bad….”

“Oh.” Pam looked down and the tears threatened to fall from her eyes again. Jim shifted again to shake the awkward vibe emitting from the situation.

“You’re not over it, are you?” Jim said in a hushed tone.

Pam released her grip on his hand and let it fall to his side where he slid it into his pocket.

“No.”

Jim closed his eyes and sighed, creating a fog in the cold air. Pam’s hands found her face covering up all the emotions that were pouring from her eyes. Jim hung his head and walked to where Pam was hunched over crying. He stopped next to her not touching her or saying anything. He just stood close to let her know that he was there.

Pam sensed him move close and waited for him to hold her. He didn’t even take her hand or put his arm around her to comfort her, he just stood there. Pam felt another surge of tears emerge from her soul. She felt the hurt and pain all over again. She hated this feeling.

Pam turned towards Jim and leaned into his chest burying her face in his coat. Jim let her put her arms around him and allowed her to stay like that for as long as she wanted. Jim didn’t put his hands up to her back until he felt her sobs subside. She breathed in deeply to regain some composure. Jim touched her back lightly to get her attention. She stepped back at his touch.

“Pam…I know this is hard. It’s hard for the both of us.”

Pam stared into his deep green eyes as they started to glisten. He retreated backwards, putting space between them. Maybe he was afraid of what he might do if he was too close or was it the fear of breaking down in front of Pam?

“It’s been really hard for me ever since….ever since you left.”

“I know. I could tell. Things have been different.”

“I don’t want them to be different, Jim. I want to tell you how I feel…”

He shook his head, “Stop. I think I know how you feel. Don’t say it.”

Pam let a tear stream down her cheek, “Why? I haven’t explained myself.”

“Not right now Pam. I just think we both need time to adjust and things will be back to normal soon.”

“I don’t want it to be back like it was in the old days, I want to fix this and get my feelings out in the open Jim.” Pam closed her eyes, “I love…”

Jim interrupted as he put his hands on her arms, “Don’t. I don’t want to hear that.”

Pam had a river of tears pouring out of her eyes, “Why not? Am I not good enough for you now that I’m attainable? What is it?”

“Pam, I can’t let you pour your heart out. I just can’t right now.”

“Oh and you think that three weeks before my wedding was the perfect time for you to drop a bomb on me?” Pam said as she pulled away from Jim’s touch.

“I know I was stupid, but I thought you were making a mistake. He doesn’t deserve you!” Jim said as he felt his voice increase in volume. He glanced around the parking lot to make sure no one had heard him yelling.

“Then who does? Who does deserve me Jim?”

Without hesitation Jim proceeded to raise his voice, “I do Pam! I do! There, I said it. Are you happy? I do.” Jim put his back to Pam as he ran his fingers through his hair and rubbed the anger off his face. Pam stood in astonishment that they were having this conversation. She had heard him say that he wanted to be with her again. He actually admitted it. He wanted her.

Pam took in a breath and laid her hand lightly on Jim’s back as he stood facing away from her. She didn’t know what to say but knew that she felt better knowing he still cared.

“Jim, I didn’t mean for you to have to re-hash this.”

“No. I needed to tell you.” He turned to face her again. “But, the only thing is that, I can’t do it right now. Karen deserves more than this from me. I’m sorry, Pam,” Jim said as he let his tears start to flow.

Pam stood in shock at his words. He loved her but he still wanted to go back to Karen.

“Okay.” Pam nodded and grabbed for her door handle. Jim moved out of the way to let her get into her car.

“Pam, I still have feelings for you. I always have, but you understand that I am in a relationship now. I can’t…This would be different if it were months ago. I’m sorry…I can‘t give her up”

Pam got into the car, giving him one last look before she shut the door,

“I gave up my marriage for you. Goodbye Jim."

She shut the door and started the car.

-----

Jim stood in the parking lot feeling like the wind had just been knocked out of him. She had given up everything she knew for him. He watched her car pull onto the highway and away from him. They had said everything that needed to be said. After several moments to catch his breath, he made his way to the doors. He turned to look back at where they had just fought, shook his head and walked back into Karen’s arms.

He now knew what it felt like to have someone pour their heart and soul into another person, only to have them walk away. He was feeling the pain and hurt that Pam once had felt for him.