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Story Notes:

This is my very first fanfiction, constructive criticism is welcome!  Hope you enjoy!

Many Many thanks to xoxoxo for being my beta reader for this story.  I cannot tell you how much I appreciate all your help and support!  I still think you're a rock star.

 

 

 

Disclaimer:  These characters are the property of NBC and the show's creators and are not mine.   Of course I wish they were, but don’t we all? I am regrettably not associated with the actual owners or creators in any way and no copyright infringement is intended.  So please don’t sue me.

 

It had been a bad day.  One of the worst days Pam’s had since the day Jim left for Stamford.  It was even worse than the day he came back and told her he was seeing Karen.  Today she realized for the first time that he had moved on, that he wasn’t pining for her, that maybe she uprooted her life for nothing.

 

Of course she didn’t leave Roy for Jim.  She tells everyone, including her mom, that she and Roy were over years ago, and Jim just helped her see that.  Of course, Pam and her mother both know Jim played a bigger part in the break up than she lets on.

 

Maybe she could tell Michael that she is sick and leaving early.  She has been battling this cold for the last few days, and today’s foray with a stripper and Ben Franklin had really taken its toll.  It wasn’t really the strippers that bothered her, it was Karen and the way she said, “It was just a kiss.” 

 

“What does she know?”  The words came out bitterly under her breath before she could think not to say it out loud 

 

“What honey?”  Elizabeth the stripper asked, while she picked through the Jelly Beans, “Did you say something?”

 

“No, I never said anything,” Pam replied, thinking that was probably the understatement of the year.  “I’m not feeling well, so I’m going home.  Eat all the candy you’d like.”

 

And with that Pam left Michael a voicemail saying she was leaving.  She gathered her purse and coat and left before anyone could say anything to her. 

 

She knew she was running away.  Running from the look Jim gave her when she was trying, unsuccessfully, to flirt with him.  Running from the sound of her voice saying “I’m not into Jim” when she is so into Jim she is drowning in him.  Running from his adorable look when he asked whether she and Ben Franklin had hit it off.  Running from the reality that she may be too late.  As she put the key in the ignition of her car, she thought running is better than facing the fact that she’s lost Jim.

  

Jim leaned into the drink machine; he was having a harder time that usual concentrating on his work. He was tired and his thoughts kept drifting off to a certain Pamela Beesly.  This is nothing new for him.  When he is alone he thinks about Pam.  Of course, truthfully, he thinks about Pam all the time, even when he’s with Karen. 

 

He can’t help but notice that something seems different about Pam these days, something that has him confused about their relationship, if he can even call it that now.  He has to admit that their conversations today have felt awkward.  In a way she seemed nervous to talk to him.  Since when is Pam nervous around him?  He smirks a little at the way she gave him such a beautiful smile this morning while they talked about sleep patterns.  He hasn’t seen that smile this week, not since their prank on Andy.  He loves that smile. 

 

But then he is brought back to reality remembering that she asked Ryan to set her up with one of his business school friends. 

 

“Why not me?”  He mumbled under his breath.

 

 “Halpert, how’s your afternoon going?” Jim spun around to see Karen coming into the break room. 

 As he pressed his back again the vending machine, he sighed deeply as if the idea of another talk with her deflated him. 

“Honestly, kind of strange.  How’s yours?”

 

“Decent, listen have you seen Pam today?”  Karen asked tentatively. 

 

She wasn’t sure why she had to tell him about her conversation with Pam, but something in her needed to see how he responded to Pam’s reaction.  Despite their nightly talks, she couldn’t shake the feeling like he was slipping away from her.  So much so that she had become quite clingy today, and that was unusual for her. 

 

“I saw her earlier – but I think she’s gone for the day?  Why do you ask?” Jim was going for nonchalant. 

 

“Just wondering if she mentioned that we talked?”

 

Jim felt a lump in his throat, “You talked to Pam?” 

 

He could feel the sweat starting in the palms of his hands and the pit forming in his stomach. He tried not to let her hear the annoyance in his voice. 

 

Somewhere in her mind she knew that she had crossed one of the million invisible Jim boundaries, like that one that requires a new girlfriend to live more than two blocks away.  She tried to keep her voice firm but casual.

 

“Yeah, I just wanted her to know that I knew about the kiss, and that it was no big deal.  Pam and I are friends and I didn’t want her to feel awkward since you and I are a couple.”

 

Jim wasn’t sure he could handle this.  He was hardly prepared to talk about that night at all, and he especially didn’t want to discuss it with Karen.  She had forced his hand last night, but he regretted telling her anything about the kiss.   The kiss was special, despite the fact that Pam rejected him.  He cherished the memory of how it felt to hold her, to feel her lips against his, her hands in his hair.

 

“So how did that go?”  Jim couldn’t hide the slight twinge in his voice.

 

“She said she was glad we were together, it was fine.  She said that she wasn’t into you.” 

 

Karen didn’t mean for it to come out so bluntly, but that was sort of her curse in life.  If she was looking for an answer about where she stood with Jim, the look on Jim’s face was all the answer she needed.  The sadness in his eyes spoke volumes about the feelings he still had for Pam.

 

“She said,” he paused a beat, “....she said that huh?  Wow…um…. good then.”

 

Jim couldn’t hide the disappointment that he felt.  It wasn’t bad timing, she just didn’t want him, didn’t love him.  He felt dizzy and like he might throw up.  Worst of all, it seemed he had misinterpreted her actions again.

 

“Jim, are you okay?”  Karen started to feel this overwhelming sense of dread.  She knew that Jim still had feelings Pam, but up until this moment she thought it was possible that it was all over.  That he might love her one day, that the kiss really was nothing.  At least she thought, with all their late night talks, that they were making some kind of progress.  That she hadn’t been foolish moving to Scranton to be with him.  Seeing his face now, she knew none of it was true.  She was going to have to face it, they were right back where they started. 

 

“Jim?” 

 

Karen knew that all hope was lost and they would never be the couple she wanted them to be.  Now that she could see the truth, she refused to be his consolation prize.  It was clear Jim would never love her like he loves Pam.

 

“No matter what I do, I’m not her.  And in the end, that’s why this can’t work, right?” 

 

Jim shifted uncomfortably on his feet.   If he had to admit it, he felt an odd combination of fear and relief because she was giving him a way out.  He raised his eyebrows and looked up at her, but couldn’t think of what to say to her.  Just like that fateful day at Oscar’s party, he just nodded, but it was all the answer Karen needed this time.

 

Karen’s face went pale and she turned to walk away. 

 

Jim still wasn’t sure what to make of all this, shocked at the sudden turn of events.  He thought to himself that he should just stay out of the break room altogether – weird things seem to happen in this room.  And the parking lot.  And the conference room.  And his desk.   Maybe he should just get a new job altogether. Perhaps he could find a job where there were no women.  Because if there were no women, maybe there would be no jelly beans, no jinxes, no grilled cheese sandwiches, no searching for potato chips over the phone, no fake grenades, and best of all no confusion.  Maybe there was an opening at the Scholastic Speakers of Pennsylvania?  Maybe he should ask Ben Franklin. 

 

Just then Karen turned back to him and said something that sent him over the edge.

 

 “By the way, not that you deserve this, but Pam seems to be a nice person.  So, I’m gonna help you out Halpert…. when Pam said she wasn’t into you, she was totally lying.”

 

With that, Karen turned away from him and went back to her desk to pretend that everything was fine until she could go home and indulge in a pint of ice cream and some kind of hard liquor.  She brought up the Dunder Mifflin website and looked for openings in the corporate office.  She may be willing to give Jim a clue, but she wouldn’t stick around to watch him figure it out.

 

Jim stood completely still in the break room for a while and then walked back to his desk with his head down. 

 

“Are you alright Jim Bag, you look a little green?” Michael asked, popping his head out of his office.

 

“I’m not feeling great.”  Jim said tersely. 

 

“Wow I hope there wasn’t any foot on his steak,” Michael said under his breath.

 

“What was that?” said Elizabeth from her perch at the reception desk. 

 

“Nothing.”  Michael responded with his patented salesman smile.


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