It was three weeks from Valentine's Day when Pam found it. She had been browsing the card racks as she waited for her birth control prescription refill (like she'd even needed that in like, what - eight months?!). She didn't really have anyone to buy a Valentine's Day card for this year, but she couldn't help but glance through the cards anyway. Her instincts told her to buy a card for Jim, just a little something that let him know she was thinking of him, even if she didn't have the guts to tell him exactly what she was really feeling. She knew Jim and Karen weren't exactly in the most secure relationship, and part of her couldn't help but want to give him a card to let him know he had other options. Besides, it would be the first year she could get away doing so, now that she was a single woman, and she certainly wanted to.
But she needed to find the perfect card. Unfortunately the one she had in her hands wasn't it. It did however make her laugh - loudly. And part of her really, really wanted to find the courage to send it. After all, she couldn't argue that she disagreed with the sentiment. It was just - well, it was just VERY forward, and if he no longer had an interest in her romantically, it could make things awkward, even if she just tried to pass it off as a joke. And God help her if Karen discovered she'd sent Jim this card. But if he WAS still interested, well - it would certainly push things in a new direction. And she had been dying to move in a new direction since the day he came back to Scranton. The card was red, with pinkish stripes across the front.
In each of the four stripes, one line of text was written:
When you smile
it makes me smile -
When you laugh
it makes me laugh....
Inside, the card read:
Let's see what happens when you take your clothes off.
Happy Valentine's Day
She knew it was over the top and she'd never have the nerve to send it to him. It would do nothing but cause trouble if she sent it to him. Still, something made her put it in her cart anyway, and she bought it when she picked up her prescription. She stuck the card on her bedroom dresser, next to her birth control pills, when she got home that night. Every morning and every evening for the next two weeks she looked at that card, wondering why she had wasted the money. She knew she couldn't give it to him. And there certainly wasn't anyone else she wanted to send it to.
Then came Phyllis' wedding. When she saw him in his dark suit at the wedding, she thought of the card on her dresser, and during the ceremony couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to take that jacket and shirt and tie and trousers off of him, one piece at a time. She was so caught up in her daydreaming that it was only when Stanley and his wife stood to applaud the newly married couple that she realized the service was over.
The reception had started well, but went downhill from there. She'd spoken to Jim at the bar. He'd smiled when he saw, and she swore he'd even flirted a bit, making her heart soar. For a moment she thought he was even going to ask her to dance. But he didn't, and given her recent kitchen discussion with Karen, she didn't feel brave enough to ask him. So when she saw the two of them out on the dance floor, it was as painful to watch as if they had been standing there kissing. At one point Jim's eyes met hers, and she blushed crimson knowing he'd caught her staring. It was only much later that night, home alone in her own bed after she'd made the mistake of walking out with Roy, that she thought about the look he had given her. It wasn't pity or sympathy or just polite interest. The look he'd given her was something more, something deeper, even if she couldn't quite put her finger on it exactly. Once again she felt confused and unhappy. Was there really a chance he still loved her, or was she trying to see something there because she couldn't accept that she'd missed her chance? It was well into the early morning hours of Sunday when Pam finally cried herself to sleep.
She woke up on Sunday with a new resolve. She was convinced that there just had to be a chance for her and Jim to work things out. She couldn't accept that he was the type of person who could have been in love with her for so long, only to fall out of that love months later. That wasn't the kind of man she knew he was. So she picked up the card from her dresser, and spent the afternoon decorating the envelope with colored pencils. She wrote his full name, James Matthew Halpert, in a curling script, and made a lace-inspired design around it. Random hearts in pinks, reds, and purples completed the look. She thought the envelope looked like a work of art in itself. She then turned her attention to the card.
She drew a few more lacy patterns and hearts in each corner of the inside of the card, then paused to decide what to write. She picked up the dark red pencil.
“Jim,” she wrote above the printed text. She decided to leave out 'dear' as the card wasn't exactly the most romantic. She stopped again, unsure of what to say. She looked at the front of the card, rereading the message. It was light, but slightly shocking, and she thought her comments should be in a similar vein.
“You're my best friend, and you always will be. I just wanted to tell you that if you ever want to be more than that, you know where to find me.”
She exchanged the dark red for lavender, and underlined 'more than that' - hoping he'd see it as the echo of his words that night in the parking lot. She heard those words a lot in her head, and wondered if he even remembered saying them. She was fairly confident he did. She finished the card with 'Love, Pam' written in bright fuchsia pink. She surveyed her work and closed the card, sealing it into the envelope. She slipped it into the small paper bag from the shop it came from, and laid out on her couch, exhausted from all the emotional and mental effort.
When Monday morning came she was running late, and walked into the office nearly fifteen minutes after everyone else had arrived. She noted that both Dwight and Angela gave her disapproving looks in their own time, but what she hadn't expected what the cold shoulder from Jim. He'd been standing at her desk getting jelly beans when she walked in, and as she hung her coat up she greeted him.
“Hey, Jim,” she said, smiling.
He looked up with raised eyebrows, then turned and went back to his desk. All she could do was stare after him in shock. What had she done to upset him?
A Monday morning meeting in the conference room had Pam sitting across the table from Jim, but not once did he meet her gaze. When she saw him looking in her direction out of the corner of her eye, she turned her head in time to see him quickly glance away, a frown on his face. By the end of the meeting she was a little more than irritated at his behavior. She watched him walk out of the conference room and head toward the break room. She waited a moment, then followed him in.
Ryan and Kelly came in immediately after, Kelly rolling her eyes about the meeting. “What another complete waste of time,” she complained. “Oh hi,Pam!” She chirped, her mood changing in an instant. “Hey, didn't you leave early from Phyllis' wedding on Saturday?”
Pam couldn't help but feel defensive. “Oh no, not really,” she said, nervously playing with the coins in her hand. “I got a headache during reception and with the band playing and everybody talking, I just needed to get out of there.”
“Oh that's a shame,” Kelly said. “We had so much fun, didn't we Ryan? And you looked so gorgeous in that chocolate satin. And did you see how nice Roy looked? Wow, Pam, I bet if he'd have looked like that before you never would have left him.”
Disaster, Pam thought. I need to just get out of here. She put her money in the machine and grabbed her Coke. She could feel Jim's eyes on her, though he said nothing.
“Well, it was a little more complicated than that,” she finally said, more for Jim's hearing than anything else. She walked out of the break room, wishing she hadn't bothered to come into work.
She sat back down at her desk and put her hands in her head. She really was starting to get a headache. Yesterday things seemed so easy, and today she felt farther than ever from him. All she needed was to see Karen go up to hug him again to complete her misery, or something equally as unpleasant.
It was at that exact moment that Roy came into the office. “Hey Pam,” he said, his voice whispered as he leaned over the counter. She lifter her head up, noticed Jim was back at his chair, and then looked at Roy.
“You okay?” he asked.
“I'm getting a headache.”
“Oh, well I was wondering if you wanted to go to dinner tonight.”
Pam closed her eyes and shook her head. “Roy, let's go out in the hallway.” She stood up and walked out of the office, Roy smiling behind her.
When she turned to talk to him, his smile only served to irritate her. Why couldn't he get the hint? “Roy, just because you came over for a drink on Saturday after the wedding doesn't mean I want us to start seeing each other again. I told you that on Saturday.”
“I know, Pam, it's just we had such a nice time together at the wedding. We really clicked, you know?”
She shook her head. “No, Roy, we didn't. I was feeling vulnerable, and we had one dance. I shouldn't have left with you, and I'm sorry if my actions made you think things were going to change between us. They aren't. They can't.”
“But why, Pammy?”
She signed in frustration. “Because I'm in love with someone else.”
He stared at her as if she's just said she was the long lost Czarina of Russia. “In love with who?” He finally asked.
She shook her head. “I don't want to talk about it. Just know it's the truth.” She looked at him and frowned. “I'm really sorry Roy. I didn't want to do it this way. But you have to believe we are through. I'm really sorry.”
With that she turned and walked back into the office. She felt teary-eyed, not because she had reminded Roy yet again that things were done between them, but because she had admitted she was in love with someone else. Even though she hadn't said his name, it was the first time she'd ever said out loud that she loved him. Walking back into the office, his back and shoulders the only thing she could see, she started to feel like the situation was hopeless again. She sat down at her desk, grabbed a tissue and pressed it to her face as a tiny sob escaped. She willed herself to stop crying, and hoped no one had heard her. She turned to her computer to find an IM from Jim.
JHalpert: Are you okay?
PBeesly: No, I'm okay.
JHalpert: 'No, I'm okay'? Which is it?
PBeesly: I'm fine. I was going to ask you the same thing, actually.
JHalpert: Why?
PBeesly: You've been avoiding me all morning.
JHalpert: It wasn't intentional if I did.
PBeesly: You walked away from me when I stood in front of you and said good morning. How was that not intentional?
JHalpert: I don't remember doing that. I must not have heard you.
PBeesly: Fine. Whatever.
Frustrated and sad, Pam closed their chat box and logged out of IM so he couldn't send her any more messages. If he couldn't acknowledge that there was something bothering him, she didn't want to talk to him. She was tired of talking in circles with him, never knowing when he was going to be distant and polite, and when he was actually going to just be himself with her. She hated more than anything they way they were right now. Yesterday she thought she could find the moxie to push through that facade and find out how things really stood. Today she wondered if there was anything there between them at all anymore. She put her head back down in her hands.
She didn't take her lunch until a little after one, because it would make the afternoon seem a little shorter. She grabbed her food from the fridge and moved to the corner table in the break room. She positioned her chair with her back to the door, and brought a recent copy of Entertainment Weekly. She had done everything she could think of to encourage people to leave her alone.
About ten minutes after she'd settled down at her table, the door opened and Jim came in, carrying his lunch. She could see him buying a coke from the machine, but when he turned around she kept her eyes on her magazine, pretending that she didn't even see him standing there. He said nothing, but she could feel him staring at her. He finally sat down at the table next to hers, choosing the seat that faced the door. Choosing the seat that meant he could see her face. She really just wanted him to go away, or say something that would lead to her being able to just get everything off her chest. But to sit so close, being so silent was tearing her apart.
The thought about getting up and finishing her lunch at her desk. But the truth was that she couldn't. She was so aware of his presence, and while it made her uncomfortable, it was still closer to him than she's been in a while. She continued to sit there in silence, eating her sandwich and leaving through her magazine.
Jim took a sip of his Coke, and cleared his throat. She didn't even look up.
“Pam,” he said. She looked up, trying to keep her expression neutral. “Can I join you?”
She nodded, and looked back down at the open page in front of her. Leonardo DiCaprio really was growing up, wasn't he?
Jim picked up his bag and drink, and slid into the chair across from her. “I'm sorry if you thought I ignored you off this morning.” He looked down at his soda can. “I've been in a bit of a bad mood today, and I probably was too wrapped in my own misery. Sorry if you got caught in it.”
Pam looked up, surprised at his candor. “Is something wrong, Jim?”
He shrugged. “There always seems to be something these days.”
“Did you want to talk about it?”
He shook his head, then took out his sandwich. “I wouldn't even know where to start.” He took out his sandwich, and Pam looked back down at her magazine. He took a bite, chewing slowly. “I just didn't want you to think I was mad at you, because I'm not.”
She looked up and nodded, not really sure what to say. “So, do you have plans for Wednesday then?” She heard herself say. Yeah, exactly what she wanted to do was hear about his plans with Karen. She wished she could redact that question.
“Wednesday?” Jim look genuinely confused.
“It's Valentine's Day,” she replied.
“Oh yeah, so it is.” He took a drink of his Coke. “No, I have no plans for Wednesday.”
“You're still with Karen, aren't you?” Pam wished she didn't sound quite so hopeful, but it couldn't be helped.
“Yeah, but I just don't see what the big deal is about one made up holiday.”
Pam nodded, wondering if Karen felt the same way. She decided it wasn't her place to find out.
“What about you?” he asked.
“Me? I think I'd need a date first.”
Jim looked away. “What about Roy?”
“Roy? Why would you think that?”
“Oh. Well, I thought since you left the wedding with him on Saturday...” Jim voice trailed off, and he took another sip of his Coke.
“I didn't know you'd noticed,” Pam replied, a bit harsher than she'd intended.
“You walked right past me when you left,” he replied. “It was hard to miss all the hand-holding.”
They stared at each for a moment, Pam surprised at the sound of irritation in his voice. Was it possible he actually cared that she'd left with Roy? She felt the need to set him straight on the matter.
“It was a mistake to have left with him,” she said, still looking at Jim. “I should have realized he was going to read it as something more than it was.”
“And what was it?” Jim asked quietly.
“Nothing,” she answered quickly, looking away. She couldn't tell him she had to leave before seeing him and Karen together broke her completely. “He came over to my apartment for a drink, but I sent him home shortly afterwards.”
“Hey guys, what's going on?” The sounds of Karen's voice made Pam jump, and she noticed a brief frown wash over Jim's face as she walked over. He sat up straighter, and finished his Coke as Karen sat down at their table.
“Hey,” Jim replied, rolling up the plastic wrap from his sandwich and pushing into his brown bag.
“What are we chatting about?” Karen smiled at them both, but Pam could hear the tone of accusation in her voice. It was starting to really annoy Pam that Karen felt the need to always jump in when she saw Pam and Jim together.
“Nothing important,” Pam said, standing up to leave. “I better get back to my desk. Thanks for the company, Jim.” He nodded as she walked away. As she opened the door to leave, she heard Karen ask Jim what he wanted to do on Valentine's Day.
Author's Chapter Notes:
I love both the Savage Garden song AND the Alan Rickman movie. I also thought this title fit after the story was written, so there you are. This is my valentine's day gift to all my favourite hussies and divas, who make me feel lucky to have such cool friends!
I don't own these characters, even though we hang out all the time. No copywrite infringement is intended. Just spreading the love, dude.
