She had been standing in the street in front of Jim's apartment for ten minutes now. Ten minutes of thinking, ten minutes of looking for that courage that Gil had said she didn't have. But Pam did have courage, and she was capable of honesty. She'd let fear run her life for a long time, but that didn't mean it was all she knew. She'd just been wearing blinders for so long she'd forgotten there was anything else. But as her heart had suffered pain after pain, cracks in those blinders appeared, and tonight, her most crushing heartbreak played out before her, she felt them fall completely away.
Courage and honesty. Right now those were the only things it felt like she had left. Roy had proven what she had already knew the night she left with him at the wedding: he was not the one for her. Her fear let her slip back to him for safety, but in the end it was no where near enough. His presence at the art show had felt heavy-handed. He was there to prove he'd changed enough to care. The problem was that it was even more obvious how much he didn't really care about the things that mattered to her. She didn't even bother to call him to tell him she wasn't coming back.
She stared up at Jim's apartment. Only his car stood in the drive, and there was a light on upstairs. Pam knew it was late. She had been driving around for quite some time before she found herself here. She was getting colder by the minute, and knew if it was ever going to happen it had to be now. She wasn't sure what she was going to say. She had no idea if he'd even let her in. Maybe Karen was there. But she couldn't take the pain anymore, and after tonight, she knew she has absolutely nothing to lose anymore.
She started walking up his drive before she could change her mind. When she reached the stoop she pressed firmly on the doorbell, holding the button down longer than usual to assure herself that he would hear it. She had time to take a deep breath and then the door opened. She looked up at him and felt her heart twist painfully. How could she have ever doubted that there was anyone for her but him? Everything important to her she saw reflecting back at her in his eyes.
For Jim's part it was clear he had been in bed, or just about to, anyway. He was standing in a terry cloth robe that looked like it had probably been with him since college days. It was hanging open, revealing a dark blue t-shirt and dark plaid boxer shorts. He looked, in short, totally shocked to see her.
“Pam?” He said her name as if questioned her existence.
“I can't do this anymore,” she said. She already felt the tears starting to form. She hated herself for crying, but she wasn't going to let it stop her.
“Okay,” Jim replied, though it was clear he had absolutely no idea what she was talking about.
She wiped a tear away. “Are you alone? May I come in?”
“Oh, sure. I mean, no - I'm alone.” Jim opened the door wider as he stumbled over his words. “Come in.”
She walked passed him. He closed the door, and aware of his state of dress, tied his robe closed. “You can have a seat in the living room,” he suggested. She walked ahead to the living room, but remained standing while he sat down in a chair.
Pam stared down at her hands for a moment, trying to figure out what to say. She decide to start where it hurt the most.
“Did you even think of coming tonight?” She asked, her tears starting again. “Or is everything our friendship was ever based on completely gone?” Pam closed her eyes, and before Jim could even respond continued speaking, her frustration evident. “I really need to know where I stand with you, because I have no idea anymore. I'm tired of all the games, and the half-answers, and the silences, and I just really don't think I can take being hurt by you anymore.” She opened her eyes to find Jim staring at her.
“What are you talking about? Going where tonight?”
“The art show. My art show.” She looked down at her feet. “The art show that only Roy, Michael and Oscar and Gil bothered to come along to, and Gil seemed to think my work deserved to be shown only in a motel room.”
“I didn't know anything about an art show,” Jim said, still looking confused. He stood up, but didn't make a move toward her.
“The flyer was in the kitchen.”
“I didn't go in the kitchen today. The bat was in there, remember?”
“Well, I told people about it today.”
“You didn't tell me,” Jim replied, sounding defensive. “You think I would have missed it if you would have told me about it?”
“You were sitting right there when Roy came in and we talked about it,” she said, still not convinced that he didn't know.
“And why would I want to eavesdrop on a conversation between you and Roy?” Jim snapped, clearly irritated. “I don't know why you care that I didn't attend, seeing as Roy obviously showed up.”
“What does Roy have to do with any of this?” She replied angrily.
“What doesn't Roy have to do with this? It's always either him or me, right? And you made your choice at Phyllis' wedding.”
“And maybe that's because you made your choice before you even came back to Scranton. I never even had a chance, did I? Tell me, how long it take you to forget about me once you left in May?”
Jim strode across the room to her, his eyes ablaze. “Don't you dare. You know why I left. I couldn't sit there and watch you marry someone so totally wrong for you.”
“Yeah, well newsflash, Jim: I didn't marry him.” Pam felt as angry as Jim looked. “But by the time you came back, that wasn't even an issue was it? No, you came back all 'evolved', and apparently that meant you were too good for me and the friendship I thought we had.”
“That's not true. And in case you forgot - you never even bothered to tell me you didn't get married. Why would I assume you cared anything for me - that you were still even my friend - if you didn't have the courtesy to let me in on that minor detail?”
“Why would I think you would care to know? You shot out of here without as much as a goodbye. Just surprised me with your feelings, then gave me ten seconds to give you the answer you wanted. Oh no? Did I not give the right answer? Well forget everything then. Nothing we ever shared matters anymore if you can't immediately turn your life upside down for me.”
Jim turned away from her. “That's not how it was.”
“No, Jim, that's exactly how it was. You got to run away and start fresh, and I had to stay here and pick up the broken pieces. But you never saw anybody but yourself as the one hurt, did you?” Pam moved over to the couch, practically flopping down. She put her head in her hands, sighing. “You have no idea how much your leaving crushed me,” she said softly.
The room became quiet except for the sound of Pam's occasional sniffle.
“It was never my intention to hurt you, Pam,” Jim finally said.
“Just like it was never my intention to hurt you,” she said softly. “But it seems like that's all we know how to do anymore.”
Jim finally sat back down in the chair. “What do you mean?”
“I've been thinking of maybe finding a job somewhere else,” she said, still not looking at him. “Somewhere I won't have to look up and see everything I can't have. Somewhere I don't have to be constantly reminded that the person I love is in love with someone else. I have to give you credit,” she said, her laugh sounding more like a sob, “I have no idea how you managed to do it for as long as you did. And I wish more than anything that I would have known how you felt back then, because I would never wish this pain on anyone, especially not you.” She put her head back into her hands, and just let herself cry.
She felt Jim sitting down next to her, but she didn't lift her head. She had nothing more left to say. She knew this was going to be the end for them. She could feel his hand gently rubbing her back, and his voice trying to tell her that it was okay. She finally got herself under control, and lifted her head. She looked at him, and found herself laughing slightly. “I guess there is such a thing as Karma, because I understand completely now everything you said that night. I understand now why friendship wasn't good enough for you anymore.”
She stood up, wiping her eyes. “I didn't come here expecting anything from you,” she said. “Except maybe some answers.” He stood up and she turned to face him. “I've known for some time now that I was in love with you. I've loved you probably since the day I first met you. I don't know for sure, because I didn't let myself think about feeling that way about you. But I know my life changed because of you. And I know it's taken me too long to realize it, but you are everything I could ever want in a man, and I don't expect I'll be lucky enough to find that again. But I thought you did deserve to know that I really love you.”
She turned and walked toward the hallway. “I better be going now.”
“Pam,” Jim finally said. “Don't I get a chance to respond to that?”
She stopped and looked at him. She felt exhausted and defeated. “Sure,” she said softly. “I just didn't think there would be anything for you to add that would change anything.”
“And maybe you'd be wrong,” he replied. He held out his hand. “Please, sit back down here for a minute.”
She complied, and sat back down silently on the couch. Jim sat down next to her, hunched over with his hands clasped in front of him. He didn't look at her, and for a moment he just sat there.
“To start with,” he said slowly, “I had no idea you had an art show tonight. If you thought I would skip something like that, something that I know is so very important to you, then you don't know me at all. And Pam, you know me. You do know me. You still do. I can assure you I have not changed as much as perhaps I wanted you to believe. Wanted me to believe.”
He sat back with a sigh, and rested his hands on his thighs. “I've made such a mess of everything,” he said sadly. “I can't even think of where to start to point out all the things I've done wrong.” She felt his hand against her back again, and she turned her body to face him. “I swear I never, never meant to hurt you.” He stopped, then grinned almost sheepishly. “Okay, well except for this last week or so, when I was purposely not talking to you out of spite. But everything else was completely unintentional.”
Pam nodded, cursing herself for wanting to cry again. She didn't trust herself to say anything, so she didn't.
“Karen really is a wonderful person. She has her faults, but I do care about her.” Jim paused for a moment, and Pam braced herself for what she already knew was coming. “But even she knows that I've never gotten over how I feel about you.”
Pam's head jerked up involuntarily. It was definitely not the speech she'd been expecting. She met his gaze, feeling confused and a bit wary.
“I have been so miserable,” Jim continued. “thinking nothing was every going to come of us, knowing I was getting further involved with someone I couldn't love as much or in any way similar to the way I love you. I was afraid to hurt her, knowing that I should do the right thing and break up with her, but I was afraid to be alone.” He stopped, then nodded. “And yes, I think on some level I knew I was hurting you, though not for the reasons it appears I was. I can't believe you've even shown up here tonight, because it's like an answer to every prayer I've ever had.”
Pam glanced down at the floor, then back at Jim. “I guess you can thank Oscar and Gil for that.”
He gave her his inquisitive grin. “Really?”
“Tonight I overhead them discussing my art, and Gil said I didn't show any courage or honesty in my work. Oscar replied by saying those weren't my strengths.”
“Ouch,” Jim said softly.”
“Yeah,” Pam nodded. “Totally. But afterwards I knew they were right. I've been hiding for so long I forgot that I was capable of doing anything else. So I recognized the whole Roy thing for the horrific mistake that it was, and I drove around for over an hour before ending up here.”
“What was that about anyway?” Jim asked, not meeting her gaze.
“Roy?” Pam asked. When he nodded she said, “What do you think it was about? You. You and Karen at the wedding, dancing and seeming to have fun, when I would have given anything for it have been me and you. He paid me some attention, which at the time seemed better than what I was getting from you, and I left with him so I didn't have to watch you anymore. It was the most pathetic of reasons, actually.”
Jim leaned forward, putting his hand on hers. “I'm so sorry, Pam. For everything.”
She nodded. “Me, too.”
They sat in silence, holding hands. Pam needed to just sit there, to try and take in everything he had said. She was pretty sure Jim needed to do the same.
At least five minutes had passed when she looked up and met his gaze. “Now what?” she asked.
“I don't know,” he said, shaking his head. “I suspect it involves finding a way to make all of this right, don't you?”
“'Does making this right' mean I haven't lost you?”
He smiled, and she recognized that look as something that only brought good things. “I should think at the very least it means you haven't lost me,” he said. “Or do you require proof?”
Pam felt herself flush at his words. “Proof is always a good thing,” she said softly, her eyes never leaving his.
“Fair enough,” he replied, putting his arms around her. “Here is your proof that you are still completely loved.” And with that kiss, Pam thought to herself that maybe today had been a rather good day after all.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Just needed to work through my own angst from last night's episode. Love those two, but man do I want to slap them....!
Dedicated to Psappy, for keeping me off the ledge!
If I owned these characters they'd be so much happier! No copywrite infridgement intended.
