Story Notes:
I really tried not to get smutty with this one but for the life of me, I can't avoid it. Hopefully it doesn't seem out of place. The lyrics are from Damien Rice's Lonelily, an amazing song, which I do not own, just as I do not own these characters. Feedback is always greatly appreciated. Special thanks to peskipiksi for all her help!
I gave me away
I could have knocked off the evening
But I lonelily landed my waltz in her hands
In a way I felt you were leaving me
I was sure I wouldn't find you at home
And you let me down
He sat in his car as the cold from outside started to seep in through the crack in his window. He had turned the engine off immediately, not wanting to risk making any noise in case he chickened out. Not that he didn’t want to break up with Karen. Truth be told, he was thrilled to be breaking up with Karen. The reason for his doing so was just the icing on the cake. He smiled to himself and shook his head. This was not going to be pretty.
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He’d been fooling around on the inter-net at his desk when he heard Pam and Roy behind him talking about her art show. He had gotten really good over the last few months at convincing himself he didn’t care anymore, but knowing that Pam was finally doing something so great for herself made him feel… proud, in a way. And there was no denying that he wanted to be at that art show-- needed to be there to share this big moment with her. Regardless of where their friendship stood at this point, he knew that he should be there. He also knew Karen wouldn’t have any of it.
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You could have knocked off the evening
But you lonelily let him push under your bone
You let me down
It's no use deceiving
Neither of us wanna be alone
You're coming home, you're coming home
He took one more deep breath and finally got out of the car. He knew it was late, but had no idea what time it actually was. He rang the doorbell twice.
“Hey,” she said rubbing her eyes. She clearly had been sleeping.
“Hey.”
“What are you doing here? It’s like, three in the morning. And I thought your brother was in town.”
This was the impromptu lie he had come up with earlier that day. He had needed some excuse to not spend the evening with Karen, so he could get away to Pam’s art show without earning himself another week of late night talks.
“Yeah, about that,” he paused. He felt like he was 5 years old again, about to get in trouble for confessing to the principal that he had been the one who put chewing gum on the teacher’s seat.
“What’s wrong Jim?”
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I gave me away
I could have knocked off the evening
But I was lonelily looking for someone to hold
In a way I lost all I believed in
And I never found myself so low
And you let me down
He got to the art show as Pam was taking down her paintings. She was surprised to see him. It was very late, after all, and there was practically no one left in the studio.
“So how did it go?” he asked her, smiling.
“Oh you know,” she said, looking away. “It was good.”
He took a step closer to the wall that displayed her work. His eyes glanced down at the little placard that had her name on it. He smiled a little, and she noticed. His eyes wandered back up to her paintings.
“There was another one,” Pam said, “But um, Michael bought it.”
“Get out! He did? What was it of?”
“Our building. He was really sweet about it, actually.”
“That’s great Beesley! I guess that means you are officially a starving artist now.”
She smiled. “I guess so.”
“So who else came?” He caught her face falling and was terribly confused. “Pam,” he asked softly, “what’s wrong?”
She shook her head and he could tell she was trying to be brave. “No, nothing. It’s just…” He took a step closer to her and put his hand on her shoulder and rubbed it gently. He knew he shouldn’t be standing this close to her, that he was just asking for trouble, but he couldn’t bear to see her so upset. He couldn’t not comfort her, he told himself.
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You could've called if you'd needed
But you lonelily got yourself locked in instead
And you let me down
It's one thing being cheated
But you took him all the way through your bed
He sat Karen down on her couch after refusing to take his coat off. He’d told her he didn’t think he’d be there for long, and just had something he needed to tell her. Quickly, he thought, like ripping off a band-aid. Never having been good at break ups his whole life, he decided that was exactly the way to do it.
“I can’t see you anymore.” It spilled bluntly off his tongue with perhaps a little less emotion than Karen deserved.
“What!?” She was completely shocked and he knew it. He took another deep breath and knew he had to finish what he started, even though this was going to be bad.
“My brother isn’t in town. I didn’t have dinner with him.” He paused, biting his lip. Lying was so unlike him and he hated it, but at the same time felt that she had pushed him to it. “I went to Pam’s art show.”
She sat in silence on the couch, unable to look at him now. She wasn’t a crier, but he could see the sides of her face pulsing a bit, as if she were gritting her teeth and trying really hard not to let any tears fall.
“Karen,” he said softly, reaching to take her hand.
“No!” she said, standing up quickly and folding her arms in front of her chest. “What the fuck is wrong with you Halpert? You come over here in the middle of the night when I’m half asleep and tell me you lied to me and that, oh no, your brother isn’t really town. No, you went to Pam’s art show.”
He hated the way Pam’s name sounded when Karen said it. She’d gone into the kitchen to pour herself a glass of wine and he was taking it as his cue to get the hell out of there.
“Alright, so… I’m going to head out now.”
She practically leapt out of the kitchen in protest and told him, “No. You’re not.”
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]And now you're coming home
And I'm trying to forgive
You're coming home
And I'm trying to forget
You're coming home
And I'm trying to move on
You're coming home
And you haven't called yet
Pam dissolved into tears as she allowed herself to lay her head against his shoulder. He didn’t pull away even though he knew he should. Instead, he let his arms come up around her and pull her in closer.
“Talk to me Pam,” he said softly. “What happened?”
“Nothing happened,” she said against his shirt. “Its just…nobody from work showed up really except for Michael and Oscar and Gil.” He rubbed her back while she spoke between sobs. “And Roy and his brother. And I overheard Oscar and Gil talking about my paintings and they were kind of mean but they were right too.” She paused. “I know they were right.”
“What did they say?”
She managed to compose herself a little bit and stepped away from him, wiping her face.
“That it was motel art. Oscar said that I lacked courage. And honesty.”
“Oh Pam. That’s not true.”
“But it is,” she said sharply. “It is true.”
He didn’t know what to say.
“I don’t know if I’ve ever been honest in my life. With myself or anyone else.” She paused, seeming to collect her thoughts. “I don’t love Roy. I’m not back with Roy. That’s not what I want. Please know that that’s not what I want.”
“Okay,” he said slowly, not knowing what to make of her words.
She was staring at him now, looking him directly in the eyes. Slowly, he realized where she was going with this, and what she was going to say next, and he was already feeling the heat burning deep within him. She took his hand.
“Jim, I’m in love with you.”
He could no longer look at her. This was not the way he thought tonight was going to turn out. With every bit of him, he honestly had just wanted to go and show his support. As a friend. Even though he knew he still thought of her as more than that. He could feel the tears start to spring in his eyes.
“Pam,” he said, his voice broken and rough as it had been on the night he stood in her shoes, telling her the same thing.
And then she’d kissed him.
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You're coming home
And I'm trying to forgive
You're coming home
I'm just trying to forget
You're coming home
I'm trying to move on
You're coming home
But you haven't called
You're coming home
She sat him back down on the couch. After sitting in silence for twenty minutes as Karen stared blankly out the window and sipped her wine, he was starting to wonder why she hadn’t let him leave earlier.
“Karen,” he said softly.
“How was it?” she bit back at him. Karen was now wearing her smug face. He’d gotten to know it pretty well over the past month or so.
“How was what?”
“Her art.” She made finger quotes in the air and rolled her eyes. “How was it?” She was dangerously on the cusp of angering him now. He knew she was just being spiteful, but none of this was Pam’s fault, and he wasn’t going to listen to it.
“I’m leaving now.”
He stood up and wrapped his scarf around his neck and headed for her front door.
She didn’t bother to get off the couch, and instead decided to bitterly shout at him while he was walked out the door. “That’s great Halpert! So happy things worked out for you and the receptionist! Hope you two are very fucking happy together!”
He breathed a sigh of relief once he was outside and the door to Karen’s apartment was closed. He headed to his car thinking that she’d be calmer in the morning, and he could try to recover some semblance of a friendship with her then, but at the moment he really didn’t care. He got in his car and all he needed to know to bring a smile to his face was that he was on his way to Pam’s apartment.
That Pam was waiting for him.
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I gave me away
I could have knocked off the evening
But I lonelily loomed her into my bone
You let me down
There's no use deceiving
Neither of us wanna be alone
He kissed her back. How could he not? Even after all the months of trying to put her in the past, he hadn’t even begun to get over her. All the love he felt before was still there. Greater even, after seeing her take charge of certain aspects of her life, after being at her art show. This was the woman who was meant for him. It was futile to try and ignore it.
She noticed several of her classmates staring and decided that it was best the two of them get out of the studio and back to her place as quickly as possible. He helped her pack up her art and they walked out to the parking lot hand in hand. It was as if the last ten months had never happened, and they had simply been together since he’d declared his love for her on Casino Night. All the animosity and bitterness was swept away with that first kiss.
He drove her home, saying they could get her car tomorrow because he didn’t want to be away from her for even a second right now. She expressed concern over Karen, and he assured her that he would take care of it. Tonight, if possible. This seemed to ignite deeper passions in Pam, who upon hearing this confirmation from Jim leapt across the front seat of the car and into his lap, not caring a bit that he was still driving.
She was kissing his neck when he pulled over.
“Pam,” he said roughly, almost incoherently. She hummed in response, causing a grin to slowly spread across his face. “Pam,” he said more sternly, “Don’t you think we should wait til we get back to your place?”
She shook her head feverishly. “No.”
In a matter of minutes she had managed to pull him from his trousers and unbutton his shirt. She moved her panties to the side, not bothering to fuss with removing them, because she so clearly wanted him, needed him, now. They had both waited long enough.
He started panting as she wrapped her hand around his length, slowly tugging him toward her, her lips never leaving his neck. Her kisses were in just the place on his neck that he had touched himself earlier that day when he was teasing Dwight about being bit by the bat. He laughed to himself thinking, Well this day hasn’t quite turned out the way I thought it would.
He allowed his hands to roam freely over her body, under her dress, under the tight turtle neck and under her bra. He almost lost control when she started moving her body over his erection, allowing him to feel the wetness that was waiting for him. He’d always known she was a bit of a tease, but not like this. He was surprised at how well Pam knew what she was doing, and incredibly turned on by it.
Finally, she guided him into her and began rocking against him in the front seat of his car. His hands were tightly wound around her hips, moving them up and down as they set a mutually enjoyable pace. They had no need to speak, they never had. So much of their relationship had been unspoken from the very beginning, and it seemed fitting that when they first came together it was in silence.
He kissed her forehead and held her in his lap until she finally sat up and moved back to the passenger seat.
“Sorry,” she said smiling, “For some reason I just couldn’t help myself.”
“That is a mystery Beesley,” he said, playing along, “Perhaps, perhaps, it was my unbelievable animal magnetism.”
She fell over in a fit of giggles and he pulled back onto the road. She wrapped her arm around his and laid her head on his shoulder. She was asleep by the time he got to her apartment. He found her keys in her bag, and carried her inside, laying her on her bed. He kissed her cheek and left her a note in case she woke up and wondered where he’d gone.
He knew breaking up with Karen could have waited until the next day. But he was done waiting. So he locked Pam’s door, slipped her keys into his pocket, and headed over to Karen’s for the last time.
Sure he was a little nervous about how Karen was going to react, but all he could really think about was how grateful he’d always be, for the rest of his life, that he’d gone to Pam’s art show.
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